Hope Springs (2003) Script

♪ What's the use in cuttin' loose ♪

♪ If you're livin" in the past? ♪

♪ One step forward and two steps back ♪

♪ Well, what's the point of that? ♪

♪ You think about the years you've lost ♪

♪ And it cuts you like a knife ♪

♪ Sha-la-la-la, sha-la-la-la ♪

♪ You've got to let go and look for hope ♪

♪ And somehow you'll get by ♪

♪ Yeah, and somehow you'll survive ♪

♪ You pass it by, and when it gets lonely ♪

♪ Go to anywhere ♪

♪ And you don't know the state you're in ♪

♪ And you don't even care ♪

♪ Fall in line and lend a hand ♪

♪ To a man who tries to cry ♪

♪ Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh ♪

♪ You've got to let go and look for hope ♪

♪ And somehow you'll get by ♪

♪ Yeah, and somehow you'll survive ♪

♪ So hard to hold your head up ♪

♪ When it's spinnin' 'round and 'round ♪

♪ You think about the life you had ♪

♪ Now it's all turned upside down ♪

♪ Oh, you know, you know ♪

♪ You can do it if you try ♪

♪ Sha-la-la-la, sha-la-la-la ♪

♪ Life is never easy ♪

♪ When you're really feelin' down ♪

♪ You'll drag your feet up Sunny Street ♪

♪ Turn it all around ♪

♪ Don't sing along to the sad man's song ♪

♪ "H's a bitch and then you die" ♪

♪ You've got to let go and look for hope ♪

♪ And somehow you'll get by ♪

♪ You'll survive ♪

♪ Somehow you'll survive ♪

♪ And somehow you'll get by ♪

♪ You know, somehow you'll get by ♪

♪ You'll survive... ♪


You don't happen to know if these are designated in the same way as they are in the U.K., do you?

They way they're numbered, according to lead size?

You don't know if the numbering system for pencils is universal?

We would have no way of knowing that.

No.

No, well, it looks like it could be.

I... I think I'll assume it is.

Do you sell paper in individual sheets or just in the pads?

What?

I'll hang on to those while you look around.

All right.

Doesn't seem to be anything here about acid content.

It usually says on the label whether it's acid-free or not.

All paper in this country is acid-free.

Really?

That's how it goes.

Guess it's true what they say about how far ahead of the rest of the world you Americans are.

That's... that's wonderful.

You, uh, with an art group?

No, just... just on my own.

On some kind of... personal tour, then?

No.

But you're an artist, right?

You're not a... tourist?

Harold is just trying to find out your purpose in being here.

My purpose?

He won't be happy, honey, till you tell him why you're here.

Well, I've always wanted to visit your fine country.

I hope I have enough American money to pay for all this.

It's the only kind we accept.

$48... that's more than enough, isn't it?

You okay?

Sorry. I just need some, uh...

Colored pastels?

Sleep. For your landscapes?

I don't do landscapes... just portrait.

You come all the way from England in the fall, with all our beautiful foliage, to draw faces?

This comes to...

Why, look at that.

$48 exactly.

You wouldn't happen to know if there's a good hotel in the area, would you?

Joanie Fisher usually has rooms.

Now, her husband... there's a face that'll move you on to do landscapes.

Battlefield Inn... straight up that street there.

You want to draw a portrait of Fisher?!

Well, I was just told that his face looked...

His face looks like roadkill!

But you will ask him?

I can't wait.

There you go, Mr. Ware.

Room 11... one of our best.

It's up the stairs on the left.

Mr. Ware?

Do you have urgent business to attend to this morning?

Why don't you just go to your room and get a few hours' sleep.

Just tell me what time you want to wake up, and I'll hold all your calls... how does that sound?

There won't be any calls. I don't know anyone over here.

Well, maybe a call from England.

Nobody in England knows I'm here.

Oh, God.

Sorry. I didn't know jet lag could be like this.

I've never had my hair hurt before.

Ohhhh, Mr. Ware.

I don't like to see one of our guests so gloomy.

Why don't you help yourself to any of our local-interest brochures there.

You might find something in there to pick you up, give you a little memory or two to take back to England.

No, it's memories that I've come here to forget.

Memories... of something?

Or... someone? Oh. Oh, God.

Oh...

A woman.

An Englishwoman?

Welsh.

Well, half Welsh.

Half Welsh and half...?

Monster.

My, we are in a bad way.

Oh, what's the bloody point?

The point is, Mr. Ware, you're our guest here and part of our job is to do everything in our power to be sure that our guests enjoy themselves.

And if that means...

Battlefield Inn... one of them has to talk an ex-girlfriend out of their system...

Joanie Fisher speaking... then so be it.

Oh, hi, Mandy. How are you?

Mandy, I just have a small incident to attend to in the lobby.

A dog? Uh, no.

No, that's...

Just one of our friends from England.

I'll call you right back, Mandy.

So, listen, while you're asleep, I'm gonna call my friend Mandy back, get her to come over.

She is a trained caregiver.

Oh, God, no.

No, I mean, really. This... it's fine.

Oh, no, Mandy's wonderful with people, Mr. Ware, and she's a firsthand authority on broken relationships.

She'd just love a psychological challenge on this scale.

Here we go.

I don't... I don't think I need...

Here you go... Room 11, Mr. Ware.

Here. This'll help you sleep.

I don't take prescription...

Ah, you do now.

Swallow.

Swallow.

Now, are you okay to get yourself to bed?

...get yourself to bed?

Now I'm gonna go speak to Fisher about your suggestion, and we'll see you later, okay?

...on some kind of personal tour, then?

...to draw faces?

I'll hold...

Will you do something for me?

I don't want you to talk. I just...

I want you to think.

I want you to think of the most peaceful place you've ever been.

And if you're willing to do that, then... then just nod.

You're the caregiver.

I want you to make it a place that's so beautiful and so peaceful that one day, you'd like to go back there and stay a long, long time.

Well, if you really... I don't want you to talk.

Just... just nod.

And while you're doing that, I want you to make it a place that's beyond time and space itself.

Are you doing that?

You're not doing that?

Why not?

Why not?

You can talk to tell me that.

Oh, sorry. Sorry.

What does that mean, exactly... "beyond time and space"?

You don't know what "beyond time and space" means?

No, it's a concept of which I have no...

Don't worry about the concept.

Just think of a beautiful, peaceful place.

Do you want to tell me what it is?

It's, uh, it's a beach.

What kind of beach?

It's, uh, a sort of a sandy one.

And where is this sandy beach?

The Canaries.

The whats?

The Canary Islands.

Vera and I got a cheap deal.

Vera being the person that you came here to forget?

Maybe it's better not to choose a place you went with her.

Try thinking of... of the most peaceful place that you've ever been without Vera.

Everywhere I've ever been, I've been with Vera.

Well, there must be somewhere where Vera Wasn't with you.

Do you want to tell me where it is?

A room.

And are you at peace in this room?

Is it a quiet, tranquil room?

Mm-hmm.

Do you want to stay there forever and ever?

And there's no Vera.

Colin, there's no Vera?

I'm sorry.

Listen, I... you've really helped, but I actually think this is about as peaceful as I'm going to get for now.

Okay, well... I'll go.

But can I, um... can I just ask you a question?

Um...

I mean, most people, when they go through a breakup, you know, they go through a state of shock and they get depressed and they want to be alone.

I know I did.

But they don't usually fly to the other side of the world.

You and Vera must have been really close.

I was on her mailing list.

"Mr. And Mrs. Keith Edwards

"request the pleasure of your company

"at the marriage of their daughter Vera Samantha to Mr. Roger Pelham."

Ohhh.

Did you know this Roger Pelham guy?

That's the first I've heard of him... on my fiancée's wedding invitation.

Vera was your fiancée?

I could see why you'd want to leave London, but why would you come here?

I mean, it's none of my business.

No, not at all.

A person has a right to know why someone's in their town.

You seem to hear, anyway.

No, no, I should go.

It was the name, really.

Maybe I got you wrong.

Maybe instead of, um, an emotional voyage, what you need is a bodily one.

Maybe instead of, um, asking you to imagine a beautiful place, I should take you there physically.

Have you ever heard of our Spring Gardens?

Well, I'm free right now, and I can take you.

My car's right outside. But, um, only if you want to.

That's very kind, but, uh...

I think I'm meeting up with Mr. Fisher shortly.

Hmm.

You know, it's the guys that don't think they need help that need help the most.

Do you put me in that category?

Well, a guy who flew to another country just to cry in a motel room in a town that he only chose 'cause it's called Hope?

Yeah. I put you in that category.

Well, what about tomorrow?

Cool.

Pick me up at about 10:00?

Sure.

Splendid.

Splendid.

How do I look?

You have a naturally dramatic face, Mr. Fisher.

And hopefully, if this works out, we'll be able to emphasize that quality even more.

Hmm? Dramatic, eh?

Now, is that a position that you can hold for 30 minutes or so?

I could do that.

If you'd just like to put your hands comfortably on your lap.

Once you finish your, uh...

Are we allowed to talk?

Uh, yeah, yeah, we can talk... calmly.

So, Mandy told Joanie, who told Tina the cleaner, who told me what happened over there in your homeland.

Sorry, would you mind just tipping your head?

Oh, sorry.

Yeah, maybe not quite that much.

You know what... if you, um... if you just keep your eyes on a fixed point, then sometimes that way, your head stays still.

Well, listen, my friend... once the pain wears off, I'm telling you, you'll be a far better and stronger man than if it never happened at all.

It never does wear off. Oh, sure it does.

That's the one good thing about pain. It wears off.

You know, I was having a think earlier.

About six months ago, she... she took up yoga.

She joined a local club, and, uh, it made her happy.

I remember thinking, "How can yoga make anyone that happy?"

And she was never happier than when the swami started them on partner exercises.

Swami?

Mm-hmm. Yes, the swami.

He'd pair them off, and they'd all be sitting on the floor back to back with locked arms, and they'd pull against each other and chant things.

Chanting?

Oh, boy.

I was just thinking maybe that was it, you know?

Where they were all paired off, and, uh... and that was the moment, you know, when maybe I lost her, you know?

'Cause... 'cause maybe... I don't know.

Maybe the guy she was paired off with was this... this Roger Pelham.

Colin, would you like a cup of tea or something?

No, no, I'm fine. Thanks.

Fisher?

I can't turn my head right now.

I'll have to talk to you later.

Should that shadow be coming down over Fisher's mouth like that?

It's dramatic, Joanie.

Fisher has such fine lips. I...

I hope they'll show.

No, they'll be shown to full effect, Mrs. Fisher, just as soon as we lose that mayonnaise.

I think it's okay to call me Joanie now.

Joanie, let the man work.

So... Roger Pelham?

Well, that was it, really... I was just thinking back to all those times I picked her up, and I'd be sitting in the car outside, waiting for her to come out of the yoga club, and... just watching them come out, and...

Just trying to remember what they all looked like, because... well, one of the men I used to see would have been... would have been, um...

Did they have a kind of, um... a glazed expression?

Could they be described as, uh... transfixed?

See, from what you're saying, you know, uh, delirium and swamis and chants and, you know, glazed expressions and things, I hate to say it, my friend, but I think you have gone and lost your good woman to a cult.

Colin?

Joanie!

Colin... all you have any business thinking about at this point is movin' on.

Now, maybe folks over in England sit around chewing on the past, but over here, that ain't done much.

♪ Ooh, hoo ♪

♪ Ooh, hoo ♪

♪ One million light-years from home ♪

♪ Throwin' up and feelin' small ♪

♪ And where have I gone and landed tonight? ♪

♪ I've been shot right to the core ♪

♪ Of NYC and hostility, yeah ♪

♪ But you gotta laugh ♪

♪ 'Cause there's somethin' that I can't do without ♪

♪ And it's in your hand ♪

♪ Ooh, hoo ♪

Um, before you get out, could I just say something?

Of course.

Excuse me. I just need a little...

Ohh...

Do you want some?

Uh, not this morning, thanks.

Yeah, you're gonna have to drive us back. You can drive, right?

Well, on the left, I can, but I'm not very, uh...

Over at the Shining Shores, I really feel like I'm helping people.

A lot of people never get that feeling, but...

Shining Shores? The rest home where I work... and live.

Uggggh.

God... when I was in high school, the things we used to do in there.

Non-botanical things?

Non-botanical things!

Yeah... yes. What ho, Jeeves!

I'm just wondering if this really is the best time for us to be... trying to take this in.

Uhhhh!

You know, if I was back in high school, I would've just thrown this out in the street!

I wouldn't have cared.

Like somebody walking over broken glass... like, who gives a shit?!

But I'm not like that now.

Now I'm responsible and mature and boring.

I'm sorry.

It's you that's supposed to be getting the therapy from this.

Uh, listen, Mandy...

I think, if I drive very, very slowly, we might stand a small chance of getting back to the motel alive.

I'm really sorry about this.

That's okay.

See, I-I was just nervous.

Are we going back to your room?

Sorry?

I mean, I need some coffee.

Ah, right, yes, of course.

We're, like, hardly moving here.

I think you'll find we're moving.

♪ Your ride, best trip ♪

♪ Always, I know ♪

♪I You'll be at my show ♪ No, don't! No, no, no, don't!

No! Oh! Oh!

No!

No, stop! No, no! No! No, no, no! Stop!

Aaaaah! Aaaaah!

Whooooooooooo!

♪ The night will go on, my little windmill ♪

Wow.

Did you do these?

It's Fisher. That's incredible.

He looks almost...

Lifelike?

Handsome.

And she's beautiful.

Who's that?

Oh. Sorry.

I decided last night I'm gonna put together an exhibition... portraits of people here in this town.

Thought it might take my mind off things.

Well, I know every face in town, so if you need a face-finder, I'm your man.

I'm sure you've got better things to do with your time than to go around looking for faces for me.

Anyway, coffee.

Are you happy, Colin?

Generally speaking, yes.

Why are you happy?

It's probably 'cause we're not both being scraped off the front of a truck.

Little things like that tend to cheer me up.

No coffee for me, thanks.

Can I ask you a question?

What do you want?

'Cause you seem like the kind of person that... you wouldn't get mad at me no matter what I said, no matter what I did.

You wouldn't, would you?

Well, it depends.

I'm gonna do something that I've never done before ever in my whole life.

I'm gonna close the curtains.

Y...

You've never unbuttoned your blouse before?

Well, not for this reason.

I've taken off my clothes for other reasons, obviously, but not for this one.

This one... this one being what, exactly?

Well, when I was really little, whenever I got really happy, I just got this uncontrollable desire just to take off all my clothes.

And when I was really little, I was happy a lot, obviously, so I would just take them off any-old-where, and people would be shocked, and I'd get in trouble.

It's funny, but, um, with you, I don't even feel self-conscious.

Well, that's good, I-I think.

I mean, this is the first time I've ever taken off my clothes for joyfulness with someone else in the room, and it's wonderful.

'Cause when you go off by yourself and you take off your clothes in private, you know, you might be expressing your joy, but you always knew that you had to go off by yourself to do it.

So, um... the joy is never quite complete.

Incomplete joy.

Try it yourself if you want.

It feels wonderful.

It has nothing to do with sex, if that's what you're thinking.

No, I wasn't.

I mean, most men would think that it did, but I can tell you're someone who can accept it for what it is, and that's why I feel comfortable enough to do it with you.

But go on.

It feels wonderful.

Well, I might just try... taking some of them off.

Not some of them... all of them.

I'm not sure I'm quite as joyful as you are yet.

Well, you Will be once they're off.

I mean, I bet you've had sex with your clothes on before.

If I have, it was a long time ago.

Well, there you go, you see?

Two people with their clothes off aren't gonna have sex any more than two people with their clothes on would... not have sex.

I think people with their clothes off have it more often.

I don't know if there have been any surveys.

That might be true, but that's not the point.

Although, um, it kinda does seem like we might.

Does it seem that way to you?

I feel like it could go either way.

Well, if it does go that way, maybe we should put our clothes back on.

Back on? To have sex?

Because that way, we wouldn't risk spoiling the feeling of joy we're feeling right now, the innocent kind of joy.

Why take the chance of spoiling that?

Would we take... would we take them back off again afterwards?

What?

I'm just asking.

If... if... if... after we had sex...

I mean, if that's the way it went... would... would we take our clothes back off afterwards?

Don't you wear underwear?

Oh, I left home in a hurry. I couldn't find...

I don't know about you, but I'm starting to feel kinda cold.

I guess Joanie and Fisher are trying to save on the heating.

What are you doing?

I have no idea.

I think I'm just sort of stuck between the innocent joy and the other kind.

It's a very strange sensation.

Come in the bed, Colin.

Yes, okay, maybe that'd help.

Now, w-we're definitely moving towards the non-innocent kind now, aren't we?

That's the thing about the innocent kind... you never know when it's gonna come.

You never know when it's gonna go.

Like right now, it's totally gone.

So shouldn't I be keeping my shirt on?

I think you're making all this much more complicated than it needs to be.

Actually, it's all just clicked into place.

We don't have to talk about it anymore?

No, the whole concept just became crystal-clear.

Sorry.

I think there's one part of me that still finds this all a bit complicated.

It's probably just a first-date thing.

You don't have sex on first dates?

I don't have first dates.


♪ I'm not in love ♪

♪ So don't forget it ♪

♪ It's just some silly phase that I'm goin' through ♪

♪ And just because ♪

♪ ' I call you up ♪'

♪ Hey, don't get me wrong ♪

♪ Don't think that you got it made ♪

♪ I'm not in love ♪

♪ No, no ♪

♪ It's just because ♪

♪ I'd like to see you ♪

♪ But then again ♪

♪ That doesn't mean you mean that much to me ♪

♪ So if I call you ♪

♪ Don't make no fuss ♪ I'm king of the world!

♪ Don't tell your friends about the two of us ♪

♪ I'm not in love ♪

♪ I No, no ♪

♪ I Oh, it's just because fl


Aah! Aah!

♪ I keep your picture ♪

♪ Up on my wall ♪ Chanting... ♪I It hides a nasty stain ♪

...♪I That's lying there ♪

♪ So don't you ask me ♪

♪ To give it back ♪

♪ You know it doesn't mean that much to me ♪

♪ I'm not in love ♪

♪ No, no ♪

♪ Oh, it's just because ♪

♪ Ooooh, you wait a long time for me ♪

♪ Ooooh, you wait a long time for me ♪

♪ What's the matter? Big boys don't cry ♪

♪ Ooooh, you wait a long time for me ♪

♪ Ooooh, you wait a long time for me ♪

♪ What's the matter? Big boys don't cry ♪

♪ I'm not in love ♪

♪ So just forget it ♪

♪ It's just a silly phase that I'm goin' through ♪ Non-innocent kind.

♪ Hey, I'm not in love ♪

♪ No, no ♪

♪ I'm not in love ♪

♪ No, no, no ♪

♪ I'm not in love ♪

♪ I must confess it can feel good to feel pain ♪

♪ Like breakin' waves or gettin' caught in the rain ♪

♪ Playin' those games ♪

♪ 'cause we had nothin' to do ♪

♪ I was oblivious I was losin' to you ♪ Look, Johnny, my dear Ol' dad wears his tie tucked into his pants all the time.

Is that Colin Ware, renowned British artist?

Come on in, Colin.

Webster, this is Colin. Show him.

Don't say anything. Let him form his own opinion.

Come on, be brave.

Tell us what you think, Colin.

Well, it's the cannon, right?

Oh, I don't know. You tell us. You tell us.

Looks just fine to you, does it?

Well, it's maybe just a little more flesh-colored than the original.

It's okay. We can fix the color.

He's English.

He's too polite to say it, but he's thinking it.

Look at it, Colin. What does it look like?

Doug, no one wears a tie tucked in like this.

Now, look, Mr. Ware, in your opinion, does the cannon on this tie in any way resemble a...

What do they call them over there?

Gee, I don't know. You ask him. A penis?

A penis... a big, huge penis.

Thank you. Thank you, jury's spoken.

Take a chair, Ware.

Now, listen to me.

Go back and have your people come up with another concept, not a goddamn Viagra commercial.

Excuse me, but...

God!

It is hell being a visionary.

Ware, have you been able to try any of our... our springwater?

Now... now, this springwater comes from deeper in the Earth than your other springwater, so... it's older water.

Now, you might not think you want older water.

Sounds like maybe I do.

Oh, yes.

Old is good, Colin.

Old is good, so says my mineralogy expert, and I do not keep "Rock Man" Ray on the payroll just to yank my chain.

Good, don't you think?

It's a very nice, fresh taste.

It's a very nice, old, fresh taste.

You can taste the old, can't you?

Statewide marketing begins next month, and we wanted to call it "H2ope," but we're having a hard time getting it cleared.

"Hope Springs Eternal" is the working title right now.

Pretty good, don't you think?

So, you have come all the way over here from the land of 007 to, uh, draw some pictures of our local people for some sort of exhibition... what, you got a name yet?

Sorry? For the show.

Name for the show.

Images... Images of Hope...

Birthplace of American Art.

Now, that's got a nice ring to it.

Yeah, yeah.

But how is Hope the birthplace of American art?

Oh, come on, don't be silly.

I'm just trying to help. Don't be that way.

So, am I good, sitting right here au naturel?

Yeah, you're fine right as you are.

Right about there? Yeah.

How about that right there?

Yeah.

Here we go... right about there.

Is that good right there? How's that?

How about the hands... up here?

No, too stuffy, too stuffy.

Just like this. Here we go.

Hands down here?

Hands there.

This is fun.

What do you do? Do you just use pencils?

It's charcoal.

Wha...

Oh, that's right. You do all the coloring-in at a later juncture.

Sorry I moved. I moved, sorry.

Uh, no, I don't paint.

You don't paint?

Young Miss Morton led me to believe I was... I was sitting for a portrait.

You are.

A pencil portrait?!

Look, hold... could you stop, please?

Mr. Ware? Thank you. Uh, look, Colin...

Every day for the last three years, I've had to sit there and stare across at that monstrosity.

"It's our heritage," they say.

"You can't take down a painting of the most important man in this town's history," they say.

I say the most important man in our town's history is sitting right here, staring up at that jerk.

Who is that?

Some Welsh dick.

Welsh?

Yeah.

The guy who founded this place.

Somebody Edwards.

Edwards? Yeah.

Doug Reed.

Yeah, look, Brad, this is all I'm saying... it's the Cannon Ball next week, and we don't have any goddamn merchandise.

Look, anything... key-chain replicas, cannon toothbrush holders for the kiddies... come on!

Hey, how about... cannon-styled musical toilet seats that play "Bridge Over Troubled Water" when you take a dump?!

Figure it out, Brad! Get to work!

Uh, this journal...

What?!

Of 1741...

Yeah?

What about it?

Well, it's just... it's this paper... you can, uh, you can tell by the grain that it's... it's contemporary.

I mean, it's a fake.

It's, uh, it's quite a good fake, actually, but, uh, it, uh, it just seems to have been done on some sort of, um...

Computer program?

Yeah, maybe, or possibly just some sort of, uh...

Computer program?

My computer program?

You have software that produces fake documents?

Naughty mayor... naughty, naughty mayor.

So, listen, Picasso...

You gonna do me a grown-up painting or not?

Because if you could... I'm telling you, friend, I'll give you the freedom of the town, the key to the city.

You name your pleasure, I cannot tell you what it would mean to me to have a proper portrait up there of Doug Reed, the man who gave us Hope, instead of that asshole!

Hello, I'm looking for a friend of mine.

I was wondering if he might be staying here... name of Ware.

Ware?

Ware.

Ware, you say.

Yes. Colin Ware.

Let me just look and see if, um, if we have anyone here by that name at the Inn, or...

Not.

Ware...

Ware...

Ware...

Room 11... the English guy's in Room 11.

Room 11. Thanks.

Uh, he went out.

Sorry?

He went out... early this morning.

I thought you didn't know who he was.

I-I remember him now. The artist fellow, right?

Now, he... he went out at the crack of dawn with all his artist-fellow things.

Well, he's back. He even let me in his room to clean.

Oh, right.

Thank you again for that, Tina.

Uh, uh, uh... you must sign the visitors' book.

Sorry?

Well, all guests must sign the visitors' book.

Okay.

Okay.

Where is it?

Where's what?

The visitors' book.

Tina! Yeah?!

What did you do with the visitors' book?

We got a visitors' book?

See... what the hell?

Shall we just forget the formalities on this occasion?

Thanks.


Colin, I know I don't exactly deserve the red-carpet treatment, but after 5,000 miles and 20 hotel reception desks, I do think that the least you could do is invite me in away from the stares of the very eccentric management here.

How did you know I was here, Vera?

I spoke to Jeremy at the gallery.

He told me how excited he was about this exhibition he's planning for the new year of drawings that you've been doing in America in a place called Hope.

Wow. I can see he has every reason to be.

Oh...

Aren't you on your honeymoon?

Oh, this isn't going to be smooth, Colin.

There's no use pretending that anything either of us can say will make this anything other than the most awkward moment we've ever had.

No ashtrays... what a surprise.

Look... I think we should do what you always say we should do.

We should just rise above our emotions with maturity.

Okay.

Good fucking wedding, was it?

Look, I have nothing to say in my defense... nothing, nothing.

I did a terrible thing... a terrible thing.

This is a no-smoking room.

Colin, I've come halfway across the world to explain, and you won't let me have a cigarette.

Explain?

There's no Roger Pelham.

Hmm?

There is no Roger Pelham.

Oh, God.

Oh, Colin, I was just so sick of dropping hints and you failing to spot them as only you could.

Oh, God, look...

We have been engaged forever.

I just wanted to jolt you into action.

I misjudged it. I made a mistake.

The invitation was a joke?!

Well, no, it wasn't a joke. It was just a bigger hint.

Tsk.

The last few weeks have been a nightmare, Colin.

I have been at my wits' end since you disappeared.

Day after day without a word...

I mean, I literally went to pieces, Colin.

I was calling everyone all day, all night.

When Jeremy finally told me that you were all right, I can't tell you the relief.

I just wept solidly for 10 minutes.

10? I'm touched.

The only thing that held me together was that knowing when this was over, you and I have a good laugh about it, because that's what we always do.

Vera... Now, the thing is, Colin...

Please, just go. Go. Please.

But I can't tell you how mu...

Where are you underpants?

You're not wearing any underpants.

Well, as you can imagine, I was a tad preoccupied when I was leaving the flat.

Are you going out for a walk?

I know how you like to go for a walk when you want to think.

The last thing I want to do right now, Vera, is think.

Well, if you have to go out, I shall just wait.

Vera, don't wait.

Colin?

Colin...

What?

What's this?

That's a machine for drying hair, Vera.

It's called a hair drier.

Yes, I know what it is, Colin, but you don't use one.

Is this supplied by the motel?

Is there one like this in every room? Colin?

Can't you answer a simple question?

A simple one, I could, just not that one.

What?! It was a joke, and she's not married... she's still single, and she's here?

It hasn't affected our relationship in any way.

She just came out to apologize.

She's gonna turn straight 'round and go back home again.

Is she allergic to the telephone?

I'm sorry, had you not planned on having sleeping people in your exhibition?

He is just asleep, isn't he?

Like I'd bring you all the way down here to draw a dead person.

So, are you just gonna forgive her?

How could you forgive someone after they did something like that to you?

It's the only way... forgive and forget.

A-And do your forgiving while you can...

'cause when you get to my age, all you can get to do is the, um, the, um... the, um...

The forgetting?

Yeah, that's it... the forgetting.

"My darling Vera..."

"Darling"?

"Dear Vera."

"Vera...

"I know as well as you do

"that the cruel joke you played was wholly out of character, "and although it hurt me beyond description, "I write you now, firstly, "to thank you for coming all this way to apologize, "but more importantly, to tell you..."

To haul your bony ass all the way back again.

"More importantly, to tell you that I forgive you for it 100%."

"As a result of your actions, though, "both our lives have now taken on a new direction.

"Any attempt to resume our physical relationship

"would, I believe, cheapen the new plateau of mutual affection

"that has been born out of this crisis.

"Your journey here was much appreciated, "but too much damage has been done for our romance to survive.

We wish you a very pleasant return flight."

We...

"Goodbye, Vera.

Your friend, Colin."


What is it?

I don't know.

Just never seems to work out... when I fall in love.

When you fall in what?

What time do you have to be at work?

Soon.

But not that soon.

Are you looking forward to that? You can get all dressed up.

Oh, it's not as much fun getting dressed up when you can't do it yourself.

Well, when I'm through with you, you're gonna look better than the Queen of Hope herself.

Ready?

Yes.

Whoa-hoe'.!

Can I just say something before we start?

I don't know if... if Mandy mentioned, but I'm pretty heavily into the Lord, and I was just wondering if you could just sort of convey a sort of a... a feeling of... of... of inner happiness.

Something like that, like an inner light.

'Cause there's two things I want to come through in the picture.

One, that I'm a swimmer, but, two, that I'm also a Christian.

You're sure you'll be all right just standing there, yeah?

Like I say, sir, God blessed me with fabulous circulation.

What about my goggles... are they straight?

Oh, they're just perfect.

And, Rob, please... don't call me "sir."

Mandy told me about what that fiancée of yours over there in England did to you.

She's in town, right?

Uh, no, she's gone home now.

Satan's amazing, isn't he?

I mean, one minute you're going along, leading this ordinary life, everything's normal, then, whoosh!

Satan just creeps up behind you and sucks you into a cult!

Yeah, Rob, I'm just doing your mouth now, so would you mind just... just keeping it closed for a minute?

Oh, God...

Come on, Granny.

How could anyone do that?

What?

You're Vera, right?

How could anyone do something that mean?

And you are...

Mandy.

Um...

The mean thing I did...

I assume that you're referring to the game I played on Colin Ware.

Yeah. Good.

Well, now that we've established your name and what you're talking about, could we also establish whether you have a red hair drier?

What?

A cheap, plastic, red, portable hair drier... do you have one?

Yes, she does. Thank you.

Do you smoke, Mandy?

No, not since high school.

How very healthy.

Did you go to school around here, then...

Hope High or something?

Hope Regional. Regional.

Yeah, it's over there. You can't see it from here.

You seem like a nice person.

Not really.

She's an angel!

I'm sure Colin wouldn't spend time with anyone who wasn't nice.

Well, I'm sure you're very nice, too.

Yes, I'm sure that you and me and Colin are all totally delightful people.

I do feel at a slight disadvantage, though, knowing nothing more about you other than the direction of your old school and the color of your hair drier.

Most presumably, you know rather more about me.

Colin must have talked about me.

We mostly talk about other things.

Really? Like what?

Like the normal things that normal people talk about.

What, like the weather?

We've talked about the weather.

What sort of day it is... whether it's warm or cold.

Yeah, or windy.

Or raining, even. Or snowing.

Has it been snowing here? No, not yet.

Oh, I see. You were rehearsing for a future conversation.

Aren't you holding up traffic?

Is this where you work?

Whining Whores...

Shining Shores.

Oh... right.

Oh, come on, surely he must have said something about his life back in England.

Barely anything.

So you don't know about...

About what?

The, um, operation.

What operation?

Has Colin not mentioned his father?

Presumably, Mandy, Colin hasn't told you because he is blocking it out.

And that's why he's staying up here.

He's living in some sort of dreamworld, drawing away... beautiful scenery, beautiful company.

Meanwhile, back on Planet England, doctors and hospitals and constant worrying, and a very, very sick father.

It's why I'm still here.

Someone has to bring him back to his senses, you know?

Back to his responsibilities.

Back home.

The truth is, the longer he stays hiding away from it all, the less likely he is to ever see his dad again.

You're very nice, I'm sure, but you're not exactly helping.

I'm sorry if that came out...

Say, you couldn't do me a favor, could you?

Just a little one.

I don't want you to feel like an errand girl, so please do say if you'd rather not.

But I was going to drop these off myself, but you're probably going over there anyway...

You sure you don't mind?

It's just, the other morning, I noticed he didn't put any on.

It would be great if you could give them to him.

I'll see you, Mandy.

Hello?

Hi, it's me.

It's Colin.

What do you want?

You asked me over.

Uh, are you going to come in, or are you just gonna stand there with the door open?

It's my apartment.

I can stand where I want in my apartment.

I've never seen one of these. Mind if I sit in it?

If you have to.

Suppose, uh, the idea is you just... well, you sort of lower yourself, hmm?

Don't be an idiot, Colin.

I'm sure you've sat in one of those before.

Now, Mandy, I've done many disreputable things in my life, but telling lies about sitting in butterfly chairs is lower than even I would go.

Having said that, I think this is the lowest I've ever been.

These are for you.

Oh, that's very nice of you.

Thank you very much... very thoughtful.

Well, don't thank me. Thank Vera.

Bumped into Vera?

Yesterday, and she said that you needed those

'cause she said she saw you without them.

No, no, that was just when she first arrived.

I had been in the shower.

Colin, you've been cheating on me, and worse... you've been using me.

Christ, what has that woman been telling you?

I thought we had something really special.

We do.

But you never mentioned once the things that matter to you.

Do you know how much that hurts me... to realize how little that I mean to you?

I mean, I look back on it, and it was all just a way for you to take your mind off of what was going on in England.

And what is going on in England?

What?

Your father's surgery.

Vera told you about my father's operation?

Did she tell you what it was for?

She couldn't bring herself to go into much detail.

No. No, that's understandable.

Should I tell you? No, it's too late.

No, I want to tell you.

It started last year when my parents were moving house.

They hired a removals company to, uh, you know, to ship most of the furniture... beds, sofas, and so forth.

But some of the smaller stuff... you know, the odd chair, paintings... they moved themselves.

My father was... carrying this chair up the stairs in the new house when, uh...

It's okay.

No, it was a very big, heavy wooden chair.

And, uh... You don't have to tell me.

No, no. It's all right.

It helps to talk about it.

Well, as he was going up the stairs with this chair, he dropped it... and it landed on his foot.

We had all forgotten about it until a few weeks later when suddenly his big toe started kind of... curling in.

And for months, my mother tried to get him to see somebody about it until finally, as a treat on her birthday, he did.

And do you know what the shocking diagnosis was, Mandy?

Ingrown toenail.

Naturally, we were all devastated.

As far as his chances of recovery, they're pretty good.

Somebody else who shall remain nameless whose chances of survival just plummeted to zero...

Perhaps you can understand now why I kept it from you for so long.

Hello?

Hi, Mandy, is Colin there with you?

Yeah, he is.

There's a Vera Edwards on the line.

Okay, put her through.

It's your friend.

Hello, Vera. Have a good flight back?

I need to talk to you.

Okay. I mean face-to-face.

I'm not gonna be back in England till at least...

No, I'm still here in Hope. Sorry?

I'm not going back until you come back with me.

Meet me tomorrow at the golf course... 3:00.

Oh, great, actually, that's great.

Well, say hello to everybody, uh, back... back there.

And, uh, well, what's the weather like over... over there?

Good, and I'll do it...

Okay, bye. Bye, then.

So, you like butterflies, then?

Well, that's it, you see...

I'm not going back until you come back with me.

Vera, why are you still here, and why are we meeting on a golf course?

'Cause I can't possibly have this conversation without having a cigarette, and this is apparently the only place in the entire United States where I can smoke.

You got your knickers all right, then?

Oh, yes. Thank you very much.

Yes, I did, and you got my fax, did you?

Yes, thank you. I was very touched.

Just not quite touched enough to do anything about it.

I presume your friend told you about the little chat we had the other day.

Oh, yes, that would be the one about our continuing sex life and my father's life-threatening operation.

Will you just light that cigarette so we can get whatever this is over with?

She seems like a very sweet person... Mandy.

Mmm...

She's so vivacious and bubbly and fun.

Oh, right, so you think she's stupid.

I can see how you might be charmed by her childlike, spiritual innocence.

By the way, is it Mandy with a "Y" or Mandy with an "I" with a little circle above it?

Vera, let me just tell you something...

If you're going to tell me that she's Manson material, I'm going to have to go and get more cigarettes.

Is that her... long-term career... washing old people's bottoms?

Which is better... washing old people's bottoms or choosing photos for your vacuous fashion magazine?

Um... can I get back to you on that one?

Oh, you know what? I've had enough. I'm off.

Oh, Colin, wait, wait, wait. Don't go. Come back.

Would you just kindly tell me what you brought me here to say?

I love you.

And I want you to stop this nonsense and come back home.

What is that?

Called a cigarette... step any closer and you die.

You can't smoke here.

No, apparently you can. My friend read it in the rules.

Fiancée.

Ex-fiancée.

You obviously didn't read the other rules... for example, the one that says when you're on the golf course, you play golf.

And you don't seem to be playing golf.

You have no clubs.

They were deemed too dangerous.

The rules clearly state...

Look, my friend and I... Fiancée.

We just needed to have a private talk together.

Now, we have some deep-seated personal problems.

Quite by chance, we find ourselves here on this beautiful course as we try to work through some of these difficult issues, and you're absolutely right.

Colin, calm down.

This is not the place to try to come to grips with private matters, and if our delicate discussions have impacted negatively on your enjoyment of the third hole, then I apologize!

My hysterical ex-fiancee here is just on her way to the airport!

And I am sure your enjoyment of the rest of the course will be exactly as it should be!

Have a pleasant flight!

Colin!

Colin, it's just a midlife crisis!

You'll get over it!

I hope this one's better than the last one.

Martha, it looked really good last time.

I'm not talking about my hair.

I'm talking about your boyfriend.

And what do you know about the last one?

I could tell from the start it wasn't going to work.

You approached it in completely the wrong way.

You never even met him.

I'm talking about my hair, Mandy.

Do keep up.

Anyway, you never know.

This may be your last chance.

Martha, you're not going anywhere.

I know I'm not, but he may be.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Thanks.

Do you ever think about my going back to England?

No.

No?

I have a few other things going on in my life besides you, you know?

I think about going back. Well, you have to.

You have to make a reservation and stuff.

I don't want to go back.

Why not? Well, why do you think?

You like America?

Yes. Yeah.

That's not the reason.

There's something else.

Our delicious hamburgers?

Mmm, no, no, it's not... not hamburgers.

Our humble, friendly ways?

Not the humble, friendly ways.

Why are you bringing up all this shit... just to torture me?

I'm bringing it up because I don't want to go back alone.

You want someone to go with you?

Well, yes, but only if they want to come.

I don't plan to tie them up and kidnap them.

I mean, I would, but the airlines have got rather strict on hand luggage lately.

Well, if force wasn't an issue and the person wanted to come of their own free will, then... you'd want them to go with you?

If they weren't too busy with all the many other things in their hectic life, yes.

Well, I'm sure that, uh, if they tried very hard, they could find some time to fit you in their schedule.

Oh, really?

What's up?

See the woman by the pool?

Jesus, what does she think she's doin'?

No, not the cigarettes, Fisher.

That's Vera.

She's back again, looking for Colin.

It's really none of our business.

Fisher, even you must have noticed that Anglo-American relations are reaching an all-time high over there in Room 11, right?

I heard the headboard, yes, Joanie.

Right.

So when Mandy comes tootling back to Colin's room with this week's groceries, and when there's blood in the pool, and when there's yellow police tape wrapped around the entire motel, and when we're on the front page of the Hope Herald, maybe then you might think it's some of our business.

Uh...

Just go get rid of her.

I-I'm afraid this is a no-smoking area.

What? America?

I-I'm Fisher, the, uh, co-manager.

Oh, does it take more than one person to run this place?

Uh...

So, uh... you're, uh... here in America on your own, then?

Excuse me?

You, uh, didn't come here with someone else?

No, I came on my own.

I'll take your word for it.

Sorry? If you say so.

Well, who else... Oh, I don't know.

Who knows who else you might have brought along?

I mean, a certain, uh... swami, maybe.

Who knows?

Uh, I'm afraid you're gonna have to vacate this area.

W-We've had trouble with your kind before.

What? Besides... we have a maple syrup convention coming in here at 3:00.

So, immediately, please.

You can tell him I'll keep coming around until he sees me.

It was very nice of you to come over.

Like I had an option.

Look, Vera, this has got to stop.

You shouldn't be here in America, and I shouldn't be here in your room.

I feel like I'm being stalked.

You'll be boiling rabbits next.

Colin, can we please just stop playing games, just get back to the way we were?

Let's just get in my car and drive to New York and jump on the first plane back to London.

Let's just go home.

We've just become so stale, Vera.

You know, being with Mandy has taught me something.

You learned something from Mandy?

We haven't been like lovers for years... you and I.

We've been like... brother and sister.

We're more than just a couple, we're...

Yeah, an institution, exactly... inextricably linked like...

I don't know... Marx and Spencer, or bacon and eggs, or... foot and bloody mouth.

We've just been treading water for years, Vera.

And it's no good, you know.

We can't... life's too short for that.

And I'm not saying I never want to see you again.

I'd hate to think, you know, that...

You know that bit in your fax... about the new plateau of mutual affection that we found?

Exactly, exactly. We can stay friends.

That mustn't be cheapened.

Precisely.

Oh, God.

I want to cheapen it...

I mean, really cheapen it.

Look, Vera, no.

This is not on. It's not on.

I promise you, you'll find something in your life.

Just like I... found in mine... something exciting and...

Like Venice?

You remember Venice, Colin.

I can't be any clearer on where we stand.

Now, I'm not leaving until... no, no, I-I'm leaving.

I'm leaving very soon.

When did you buy this?

Vera, honestly, no, I'm totally unshakable on this.

Hmm... I can feel your resolve stiffening.

Oh!

Aah! Come on, come on, come on!

Well, Vera, this seems to be exactly the right sort of spectacularly memorable moment in which to finally say goodbye.

No, Colin, don't.

Bye, Vera.

I'm not going.

Mnh-mnh. No.

Vera, Vera...

Bye. Bye, Vera.

Hi.

So...

He's not here yet... the vicar?

No, he's not here.

There's no portrait. I just wanted to talk to you.

In church?

Yeah, well...

I figured it's the only place we wouldn't end up having sex.

Have you talked to Vera lately?

Vera?

Oh, you mean since the phone call.

Uh...

I think I must be having a problem with my ears or my eyes.

Sorry?

Well, when you talked to her on the phone, didn't you ask her what the weather was like in London?

Yes.

Okay, good. Well, my ears are okay.

But that must mean my eye problem is really serious, 'cause last night I was driving past the Ivy, and there was this big commotion... all these fire engines and people and everything.

And maybe it's the early stages of myopia, but I could've sworn that I saw Vera there.

But that can't be possible 'cause she was back in England.

And I thought I saw you, too, and it looked like you both had your tongue down each other's throats.

But that can't be right, either, because according to you, that relationship is over, and... and I'm the only one for you.

But the really bad part... the part that makes me think I should just run to the eye doctor right away... is that it looked to me like she was... totally butt naked.

She had underwear on.

Oh, good.

Well, then, there's nothing for me to worry about.

I'm sorry, Mandy. I should've told you.

I just can't shake her off.

I went there specifically to tell her it was all over.

She set the fire alarm off. The sex was that good?

There was no sex. I was just in there trying...

You were just telling her how it was all over, and she took her clothes off, and the fire alarm went off?

Actually, that's pretty much exactly how it happened, yeah.

Well, have a good trip back, Colin.

Do you have a passport?

No.

Don't you think one might come in handy one day?

I don't want one, okay?

What would it take just to make you apply for one?

What part of "I don't want one" don't you understand?

Well, you don't need a passport...

Bye, Colin.

I love you, Mandy.

There is one thing.

"One thing" what?

If you promise that you'll never come here again and that you'll never call me or write me or try to see me... ever... then I'll go to the town hall, and if it seems so important to you, I'll get a passport.

Do you understand what I just said?

That you'll only get a passport if we never see each other again.

Okay, goodbye, Colin.

But if we never see each other or talk to each other again, how will I know you sent for a passport?

You'll just have to trust me.

Well, goodbye forever, then.

Don't try to make a joke out of it.

Well, just... plain goodbye, then.


So... these will be for your Images of Hope exhibition, right?

Oh, we liked that, didn't we, Harold?

Birthplace of American art.

And how's your Mandy?

Oh, but you won't see much of her since that fiancée of yours came to town.

Setting off the hotel sprinklers.

You wouldn't happen to know what color underwear I have on today, just in case you needed to spread the word around?

Word is, you don't wear no underwear.

It's uncanny.

F-Funny and serious all at once...

Brash with just a hint of impishness...

Pulsating with youthful energy, while at the same time... exuding a passionate sense of... of civic pride.

Oh.

O-Oh. Oh.

Doug, you did say something, didn't you, about the key to the city and all that... anything I want?

Anything-

Anything you want... Doug Reed's word is his bond.

You just ask, and you shall have it.

The true judge of human nature that I am...

I sense we are about to have revealed here... the dark side of Mr. Colin Ware.

Hmm?

Thanks for meeting me, Col.

I really do have something to show you.

You won't believe what happened this morning.

Doug called me into his office.

Doug?

Doug Reed, the mayor... you told him all about me.

Oh, right. Sorry. I think I did mention you in passing.

Well, I think it was more than just in passing, Colin, because he knew my name was Edwards, he knew that I'm half Welsh, and he knew that I was here, which is why he was so very excited.

I've got to show you this.

This... is my family tree... going back 300 years.

Wow.

Doug found this website in Salt Lake City that has the genealogy of everybody in the world.

You just type in your credit card details and out comes your family tree.

It's amazing. You won't believe this.

Here, this is what's... okay.

Here I am... Vera Edwards.

And there is Alicia.

And then there's my dad.

And there's the person he married.

Your mother.

Right.

Then there's Grandma Edwards.

And that's her maiden name, except they've spelt it wrong.

No, they haven't.

Yes, they have. It's Kendal with one Then you get up here. This is where it gets good.

Here is Godwin Edwards and his wife, Abigail.

Do you know who those two people are, Colin?

They're everywhere. Look.

Godwin Edwards and Abigail Edwards... the people that founded Hope are my ancestors.

Good heavens.

I know. It's just amazing. I couldn't believe it.

It's amazing.

But I tell you... that's just the start.

Is there more?

Oh, yes. Well, okay.

You know there's this annual Cannon Ball thing that happens on Saturday?

Apparently, that's when they choose the new Queen of Hope.

Queen of Hope?

Doug chooses the person who's going to represent the town as its Queen... and I mean, this is the ridiculous thing.

He thinks because of my family history that, you know, I should apply.

To be Queen?

I know. It's preposterous, isn't it?

I mean, it's absurd, even for me, isn't it?

Is it?

Well, I don't know... you see.

I mean, is it something I should really contemplate doing?

Well, I don't know.

What does being Queen of Hope involve?

It's just a week of engagements and things like that.

And actually, they want the Queen to promote the new mineral water this year.

He wants to build a whole ad campaign around it... you know, TV spots and public appearances everywhere and her picture on the label.

And so, presumably, you'd have a crown.

Oh, there's a whole special outfit.

He showed me lots of old photographs.

Of lots of old Queens?

Of former incumbents.

I know you and I are having major differences right now, but I... I could really use your advice on this.

I can't do this.

I-I can't go on with this.

Go on with what?

This, this... it's a joke. It's all a joke, Vera.

What do you mean a joke? This is just... it's a fake.

I made it up. Well, the family tree thing, anyway.

The Queen thing was a Doug Reed embellishment.

Yeah, I was just so pissed off with you, Vera.

I was so pissed off with all your tricks and the way you've been buggering things up.

That is so bloody typical of you.

You have never, ever been able to share in my excitement about anything... not ever.

It's a fake, Vera.

It is not a fake, Colin.

Oh, it is a fake, Vera.

Look, Kendal even spelt wrong the way I spell it wrong.

I watched him do it. I watched Doug log on.

I watched him type in my details.

I watched this thing be printed out.

It's not a fake, Colin. I saw it with my own eyes.

Of course you did, because he loaded it all up in advance.

I saw him with my own eyes.

If you look closely, Vera, Tom Jones is in there!

Jones is a very common Welsh name, Colin.

Yes, but married to a Catherine Zeta?!

I bet you and Mandy have been having a right giggle about this, haven't you?

We're not together anymore.

Really?

Really.

It's all over?

Yeah.

Oh.

You're still not coming home with me, though, are you?

No.

Sorry, ma'am, there's no smoking.

Are you two finished?

You know, I do believe we are.

I'll be right back with your check, then.

What are you gonna do now, then?

Be Queen of Hope.

Hey, Colin Ware...

Two words... two words I have for you, Colin... class... act.

I know that history has witnessed a long line of lunacy from your small island shores, Colin.

But for a man of your apparent intelligence to willingly relinquish from his emotional grasp that... shimmering angel of sensual splendor...

You seem very smitten, Doug.

You're taking off?

You're not gonna hang around for the biggest bang of the year?

Not the biggest bang of your year, from what I understand.

No. Well, it's been very, very nice to meet you, Doug.

Thank you. Thank you for everything.

No, thank you, Colin.

Thank you!

Thanks to you, that terrible, wondrous thing that poets have sung about down through the ages has finally found its way into the lonely heart of Douglas Elmer Reed!

And now please welcome... Mayor Doug Reed!

Thank you. Thank you very much.

And now... as is our great and cherished vision, we get the annual Cannon Ball rolling with the introduction of the new Queen of Hope.

Would you... help me welcome... raise your glasses for the new Queen of Hope, Miss Vera Edwards!


Man the phones, Fisher!

Look, I got this fax from Colin from the airport.

Is it for me?

For you?

Mandy, come on.

When you make a guy promise never to get in touch, they can sometimes make the wild assumption that you don't want them ever to get in touch.

Guys can be a bit dumb.

No, sorry, honey, but did Colin ever mention his cousin Chessick over in Ohio?

Colin went and arranged for this guy to visit, then forgot to cancel it before he flew off.

And he... he's faxed me, asking me if I would meet this guy at the Gardens, where they had arranged to meet.

I mean, like, now.

And I've got to set up the barbecue at the Inn, and the rooms need doing and... oh.

So you want me to go?

A free filet o'Fisher tonight.


Excuse me. Are you Mandy?

You must be Chessick.

Yes... that's right.

Pleased to meet you.

I guess you got to know my cousin Colin pretty well when he was up here.

He's an odd chap, didn't you find?

He's very odd.

Colin told me he promised never to contact you... something about a passport?

He didn't seem to think it would be breaking the rules if I spoke to you.

He didn't warn me about your bizarre dress sense, though.

Do you want to sit down for a minute?

Did Colin tell you about my hobby?

You know, Colin, at first this Chessick stuff was really funny, but now it's just irritating.

He didn't tell you about my hobby?

No, Chessick. What is your hobby?

I collect jewelry.

Can I show you an example?

Here's a thing I picked up in a store in Columbus the other day.

It's just a little gold ring with a thing... thing on it.

I think it's a moth.

Is this a friendship ring or something?

Well, the chap in the store said that it was an engagement ring, which surprised me, because...

I always thought engagement rings were supposed to be silverish with a diamond or something.

But apparently, they can be any way you want them to be.

There's only one slightly disappointing thing, though.

When I was on the bus coming up, I took it out to have a look, and that's when I noticed it's secondhand.

Well, if you look underneath, there's a little heart with two names... presumably the previous owners.

It's very, very small.

You can... just about make them out.

I forget the names.

Mandy?

Perhaps you should take this off.

Mandy, can you speak?

Oh, I'm sorry. Uh, you can put me down now.

Uh, no. I want to carry you.

No, no, really. I can walk.

I want to carry you. I want to walk.

I'm experiencing an atavistic urge to carry you, okay?

Where did you leave the car?

At home. Why? Where are we going?

Well, I checked back in at the Inn.

Well, you can't carry me all the way back to the Inn.

Mandy, please don't interfere.

My manhood is crying out to meet this supreme challenge.

Good afternoon, Mrs. Peterson, Mr. Peterson.

Just keeping you up to date on things.

Sorry if this seems a bit primitive.

Primitive is fine.

But don't throw your back out, okay?

I have a back of iron.

♪ All you ever do is bring me down ♪

♪ Makin' me a fool all over town ♪

♪ And they all wonder why I wear a frown ♪

♪ That's 'cause, honey, all you do is bring me down ♪

♪ That's 'cause, honey... ♪ I must be getting too heavy now.

Yeah, but we're building a memory here.

♪ I love you ♪

♪ I've been waitin' on you, girl ♪

...♪Ooh ♪ ♪ Hope you'll be by my side ♪

♪ I know you're out somewhere ♪

♪ Lovin' another guy ♪

♪ Ooh, baby ♪

♪ I love you ♪

♪ Ooh, baby ♪ Hey, Fisher!

♪ I've been sittin' around, yeah, all day long ♪

♪ Waitin' on you to call... ♪

♪Oh♪

♪ Ooh, baby ♪ Well?

They're engaged.

Are you serious?

Well, he just did it.

Why was he carrying her down the highway?

It's a custom over there.

It's what?

Where Colin comes from... it's a custom.

To carry people down the highway?

Highway, roadway, whatever.

It comes from an ancient Druid ritual, Joanie.

Apparently, they carry their intended down a long path as a symbolic way of embarking upon the life ahead of them.

Well, I guess it's just true what they say about how far behind the rest of the world the English are.

Non-innocent kind.

Lord only knows what they get up to now.

Oh! Aah!

Aah!

Oh, no! Aah!

Ugh! Aah!

Oh! Ah!

Aah!

Ah! Oh!

Ah! Oh!

Aah! Aah!

♪ I love it when we do what we do when we do ♪

♪ I love it when we do what we do when we do ♪

♪ Do what we do when we do ♪

♪ Ah-ahhhh ♪

♪ Ah-ahhhh ♪

♪ Ah-ahhhh ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ When you're around ♪

♪ The sun is always shinin' ♪

♪ And since we met ♪

♪ I haven't once stopped smilin' ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ The love I feel for you is almost blindin' ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Runnin' up and down the street ♪

♪ Huggin' everyone I meet ♪

♪ Now you love me, life is sweet ♪

♪ When I got you in my arms ♪

♪ Can't turn off the fire alarms ♪

♪ Ye-e-e-ah ♪

♪ I love it when we do what we do ♪

♪ 'Cause we do what we do till it's done ♪

♪ I love the way we do what we do ♪

♪ 'Cause we do what we do, and it's fun ♪

♪ You're the one ♪

♪ When you're around ♪

♪ My eyes will never wander ♪

♪ And no one else ♪

♪ I've ever been more fonder of ♪

♪ So, baby, don't you break the spell I'm under ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ When I look into your eyes ♪

♪ I don't have to fantasize ♪

♪ You're a dream that's realized ♪

♪ I'm dancin' on the moon inside ♪

♪ If life is cruel, then someone lied ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ I love it when we do what we do ♪

♪ 'Cause we do what we do till it's done ♪

♪ I love the way we do what we do ♪

♪ 'Cause we do what we do, and it's fun ♪

♪ You're the one ♪

♪ I I dig it when we kiss, and we hug fl

♪ And you're cuter than a bug in a rug ♪

♪ My love ♪

♪ Ah-ahhhh ♪

♪ When you and me ♪

♪ Turn into us ♪

♪ It makes me cry ♪

♪ It makes me trust ♪

♪ I love it when we do what we do, what we do ♪

♪ What we do, what we do, what we do, what we ♪

♪ I love it when we do what we do ♪

♪ 'Cause we do what we do till it's done ♪

♪ I love the way we do what we do ♪

♪ 'Cause we do what we do, and it's fun ♪

♪ You're the one ♪

♪ I I dig it when we kiss, and we hug ♪

♪ And you're cuter than a bug in a rug ♪

♪ My love ♪

♪ I love it when we do-o-o-o ♪

♪ Yeah ♪