Horrible Bosses (2011) Script

I get to work before the sun comes up and I leave long after it's gone down.

I haven't had sex in six months with someone other than myself.

And the only thing in my refrigerator is an old lime.

Could be a kiwi. No way to tell.

Morning, Thomas. Good morning, Nick. You better hurry.

But here's the thing:

This is just temporary.

Quick story:

My grandmother came to this country with $20 in her pocket.

She worked hard her whole life and never took shit from anyone.

When she died, she had turned that $20 into $2000.

That sucks.

You know why she didn't succeed?

Because she didn't take shit from anyone.

The key to success...

They will not teach you this in business school... is taking shit.

That's what I've been doing the last eight years, and it's all about to pay off.

This is Nick.

I'm this close to getting a big promotion with my own office.

I'll be right there, Mr. Harken.

Then all the endless hours, and the sacrifice and the shit-eating...

...will have been worth it.

See, this is what concerns me, Nick.

You're a punctual guy. You know the importance of being here right at 6 a. m.

Which is what leads me to think that...

...there must be something wrong with the clock on our system.

May have been a minute late.

But according to this, you were two minutes late. So either you're a liar...

...or this system is off by a full minute.

The only hitch?

I work for this guy, David Harken...

...who right now is giving me some fresh shit for being two minutes late.

He's a total fucking asshole.

If that's the case, I'm gonna have to fire Thomas, our longtime security coordinator.

I may have been two minutes late. Oh.

Well, then you were Iying.

No. I... Who you calling?

Thomas. I gotta let him go. No, uh...

I was Iying. Sorry. Lying?

I didn't mean to. It was more of a saying. "Might have been a minute late. "

Literally, uh, truthfully, was two minutes late.

Boy, I have to get used to driving with this big, heavy ring on my finger.

Come on. I keep swerving to the left, babe.

When I was a kid, people would ask me what I wanted to be when I grew up.

I always gave the same answer.

I love you so much.

I love you too.

I wanted to be a husband.

I will call you when I'm done. Have a good day.

I know that sounds weird.

Most boys wanna be firehouse chiefs or personal trainers...

...but to me being a husband was, like, the highest calling.

And thanks to Stacy...

...that dream's about to come true.

Unfortunately, no one's gonna pay you to be a husband unless you marry Oprah.

So I had to find a job.

Now, I always admired dentists.

They're smart, they're capable, they keep your teeth healthy.

So I went out and I became one.

How are you today, Dale? I'm fine. Thanks.

Excavator.

Okay, I became a dental assistant. It's basically the same thing.

I just make a lot less money.

Did you ever see that show Gossip Girl?

No. Ooh.

I watched an episode last night.

I fingered myself so hard to that Penn Badgley guy, I broke a nail.

And it would have been the perfect job. If not for one...

...evil crazy bitch, D.D.S.

I bet you're no shrimp in the cock department, huh, there, Dale?

Okay, Julia. Come on. What?

I'm uncomfortable talking about that. Oh, Dale, come on.

You know that I like to fool around.

Oops. Mr. Anderton.

Not in the office. This is bad.

Bad, bad, bad! You probably shouldn't hit the patients.

Ah, I love this. So festive.

I love my job.

If you ask me, anyone who hates their job has no one to blame but themself.

We make our own destinies, and I've made a sweet one.

We have stairs. You don't need to bring your own.

I'm an account manager at a chemical company. I'll tell you, the job has its perks.

Hi, can I help you?

He's just signing for these packages. Thank you.

Oh, no. I should do this.

Reggie, I got this. Thank you, buddy.

This is high-priority stuff here. Thank you.

So, what's going on here? I'm sorry?

Is this one of those hidden camera shows? What do you mean?

You're way too cute to be just a FedEx girl.

You gotta be a model or actress or something, right?

What happens when I open these? Something'll jump out, bite my penis?

No. Nothing's gonna jump out. I'm just a FedEx girl.

Shut up. Ha, ha.

Bye. Have a great afternoon.

Thank you.

I didn't sign that form, by the way, so she has to come back.

She's cute, huh, Reg?

Caught another fly in your web, did you? Ha, ha. Hey, Jack.

But the real reason I'm here is this guy:

Jack Pellit, my boss. The sweetest man I know.

He loves me and I love him. Everybody loves him.

You all right, Margie? Hi, Mr. Pellit. Kurt.

I've been waiting to get in there for a while.

Who's in there? It's your son.

Bobby!

Margie's waiting. You nearly done in there?

A man can't get any privacy around here.

Okay, Margie. Bobby? What?

Your stomach okay? You seem to spend more time on the toilet...

...than at your desk.

I didn't realize I had to tell you every time I wanna take a dump.

If the worst thing about this job is having to tolerate my boss's...

...dipshit cokehead son, well, it's a small price to pay.

Need me to tell you when I pee-pee?

I'm just trying to get you to do your part, son. It's not easy times.

I do my part. I do other people's parts.

But it doesn't matter to you. You just wanna ride my ass because I'm your son.

You know what? I don't hear you giving dickskin any shit.

"Dickskin"? Nice. Kiss-ass.

Come on, come on. Yeah, go on. In you go.

Get in the fucking...!

I'm a green belt, motherfucker. What?

Yeah. All right? Okay.

Now, I know you've been working your tail off for that promotion.

But I'm not sure I can even consider...

...making you the senior vice president of sales...

...if I can't trust you.

You can trust me. Yeah, now you sound like my wife.

"Trust me. You can trust me, honey.

Nothing's happening behind your back. Trust me. "

Meanwhile, she's fucking every guy in the neighborhood.

Oh, you want one?

It's 8:15 a. m.

Well, is there something wrong with a man enjoying a drink in the morning?

No.

Thank you. Sure, thanks.

Bottoms up.

Nothing for you?

Nick, it's 8:15 in the morning. I'm not an alcoholic.

The only reason I took one, I thought you were gonna have one.

You took one because you thought I was? Is that something a senior VP would do?

I was just trying to be polite.

So if I, uh, was gonna put my balls in honey and shaved coconut...

...you'd do that too?

I would not. Sure?

Yeah. Because I've got some coconut.

I'm having my teeth whitened Tuesday. You have to get your work done by Monday...

...which means you'll probably be here all weekend.

Look, if you want a promotion, you gotta earn it.

Now, what do I keep saying?

Life is a marathon, and you cannot win a marathon...

...without putting a few Band-Aids on your nipples, right?

Right.

Nick.

It's 18-year-old Scotch.

You don't really expect me to pour it back into the bottle, do you?

Water. Yep.

All right. Let's see if this thing's working. Oh!

Oh, my God. Oh! I'm sorry. I'm a squirter, Dale.

Oh, you know what? What?

Ah. I think I can make out our little friend right there.

Stop it.

Somebody's circumcised. Okay.

Listen. What?

Can we stop doing this thing here? Why? Because you have a girlfriend?

She's not just my girlfriend anymore. We're engaged now.

What? We're engaged.

You said that she was just a hole for your dick.

I never said that.

Not really my style.

Shut up.

That's a lot of gas.

That's good. No, those are great ideas. Yeah?

Put them down on paper, will you? Will do.

You're happy here, aren't you? Yeah, of course.

Good.

You got a bright future here, you know?

Someday soon, it'll be you running this place.

See you, kid. All right, now.

Drive safe. Yeah.

Oh, shit.

He had a heart attack.

They said his, uh, heart burst in his chest like a water balloon.

Oh, my God. I'm sorry, man. I know you guys were close.

Yeah. Yeah, I loved that guy.

I loved working for him, you know? It was, like, awesome.

Now his shitbag son's gonna be in charge and it's like...

The cokehead?

Yeah. Know how many times I caught him doing blow at work?

This thing's a real bummer. Sorry. You're the only one of us who didn't hate his job.

Did I tell you that Harken tricked me into having a drink at 8:00 this morning?

I mean, I work for the Antichrist.

How did he trick you? I thought he was giving you a promotion.

He is, definitely. That's why he's being extra evil.

This is his last chance to make my life miserable.

Right. At least your boss isn't sexually harassing you.

God. Here we go. Don't give me shit.

You won't get sympathy for this.

She's going crazy. It's like a totally hostile work environment now, man.

It's not funny. Yeah?

All right, today she starts spraying water at my crotch to see the outline of my dick.

That's great. It's not great.

What are you talking about? Why don't you just, you know, fuck her?

Because I am engaged to be married and I love my fiancée, okay?

That's true.

Congratulations. Thank you.

What about getting a different dental hygienist job?

I can't get another job.

No, he's a child molester, Nick. No, uh, deviant. Sexual deviant?

What is it? How do they classify it? Sex offender.

I'm on the registered sex offender list, yes.

You can't get that expunged? All you did was pull your dick out on a playground.

I was taking a piss at night, there were no kids.

All right, you know what? You don't put a playground right next to a bar.

It's entrapment. Mm-hm.

Speaking of entrapment, I'm gonna go see that girl about her vagina.

Excuse me.

He did say 10:00, right?

Yeah. Do you know what this is about? It just said "staff meeting" on the memo.

It's funny how he gets all over my ass if I'm a minute late, but then he makes us wait 15.

You were two minutes late. Morning.

Didn't think I had to punch a clock with you.

I'll just attribute this to your drinking problem.

I don't have... Please, we're in the middle of a meeting.

Morning, everyone. So I have finally decided...

...who I want to be our new senior vice president of sales.

He's right here in this room.

It's me. What'd he say?

I've decided to absorb the responsibilities...

...of the senior VP position into my own.

I've realized if you wanna get something done right, you gotta do it yourself.

I'll break through the wall of the office that would have been the senior VP's...

...and make one huge, enormous office.

However, I will only be taking 85 percent of the additional salary I am entitled to...

...and that is self-sacrifice, people. Learn from it.

Fucker!

You fucking son of a bitch!

You are so fucking fired!

Yeah!

So, meeting adjourned.

Can I speak to you? Sure, what is it?

For months you've been hinting I was in line for that promotion.

And look how hard you've been working.

You were just Iying to me? Lying?

No, Nick, motivating.

I mean, look, we're all part of the same team here.

Plus, you know, I'm the one who's gonna be doing all the extra work.

You know last month you made me work so late...

...I missed saying goodbye to my Gam Gam?

Sorry, what? My grandmother.

I told you I needed to see her because she was very sick.

You said if I left early, I'd get fired.

And she died before I made it to the hospital.

I'm sorry. Thank you.

I had no idea that you called your grandmother "Gam Gam. "

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry you didn't get to say bye-bye to Gam Gam.

Really, I really am. I'm sorry.

But I needed you to work late because you are an invaluable member of this operation.

And I need you in the position you're in.

Well, tough shit, okay?

Been in that position for eight years. Why would I stay after being treated like this?

Well, because I'd make sure that nobody in the industry would ever hire you again.

Bullshit.

No, because they're gonna want my letter of recommendation, right?

So I'm perfectly willing to write that you are an insubordinate, dishonest drunk.

You can't do that. That's not true.

Let me tell you something, you stupid little runt.

I own you.

You're my bitch.

Don't walk around thinking you have free will because you don't.

I can crush you any time I want.

So settle in because you are here for the long haul.

Yo, dickwall.

What the fuck? What?

Three hours late. What's the deal?

I was at your father's funeral. Uh-huh. Mm-hm.

Maybe that excuse would have flown when my dad was here, but I'm in charge now.

That excuse wouldn't make any sense if your dad was still here.

Whoa.

In my office, now.

Yes?

All right, sit.

I'm not a dog, Bobby. Good boy.

I've been looking through the books. You're the accountant. Tell me...

... why is this company in the crapper? Well, we're not.

It's a recession, but we're still profitable. Bullshit.

Look...

...I know you and my dad were, uh, pals. Okay?

Frankly, I always thought it was a little bit weird and gay.

I have no idea why he thought you were so fucking special.

But that doesn't matter now, he's in the ground.

I'm your boss. And there's gonna be some changes around here.

Can't wait to hear them. First things first.

EnviroTech Waste Management. It's costing us a lot of money.

Your dad chose to dispose of our waste responsibly.

To do that, you gotta spend money.

Bolivians will do it for a third of the price. I'll hire them.

You can't go to them. Why?

They're gonna endanger local residents.

Oh, I give a fuck some tribesman gets cancer. Cry me a fucking river.

They're not tribesmen. It's a modern society.

Do I look like I fucking care?

Your dad told me very clearly he would rather die...

...than save money and hurt people, okay?

Well, guess what, looks like we're right on schedule, doesn't it?

What else? Gotta trim some of the fat around here.

What do you mean by "trim the fat"?

I want you to fire the fat people. What?

They're lazy, and slow and they make me sad to look at.

You can start with Large Marge. Marge, can you come in here, please?

No, Margie's not fat, she's pregnant. I'm not gonna fire her.

Well, fine. Uh...

...stay where you are, Marge. Congratulations.

You can fire, uh, Professor Xavier. Who are you talking about?

You mean Hank? Yeah.

He creeps me out, rolling around all day in his special secret chair.

He's up to something. I won't fire anyone.

You're not? Oh, really? Yeah, really.

It's like you don't care about this company at all.

No fucking shit I don't care about this company. This is just an ATM to me.

You think when I was a kid I dreamed of running a fucking chemical company?

No. I dreamed of being on a beach with a model serving me tropical drinks.

That's what I dreamed of. That's what's gonna happen...

...as soon as I squeeze the profit out of this company. But first things first.

You either fire the fatty or you fire the cripple, or I fire all three of you.

Do the math.

One loses the job or three loses it.

And tell him to leave his handicap parking pass here as well.

Come in.

Julia, you needed to see me?

Oh, shit.

Uh-oh.

Will you have a seat, Dale? Do I have to?

Please.

Sure.

This is a little ridiculous, but...

Look, Dale, you know, I know that I like to fool around at work. Right?

And I might even... You know, I might even cross the line a bit.

But the last thing that I wanna do is make you uncomfortable.

I mean, it's just not professional. You know?

And I pride myself on being a professional.

So from now on, what I would like you to do is just tell me, you know...

...when and if, uh, I cross the line. Okay?

Okay. Now.

What?

Well, now, you're kind of crossing a line...

...because you're naked.

Uh...

Not naked, Dale.

Can you see my pussy? Hmm.

True. Um...

But I think, uh, even really saying the word "pussy" is...

That's crossing the line? Little bit.

You're starting to sound like a little faggot.

There we go. That one's another one, probably illegal thing to say too.

Okay. Let's not talk about illegal, Mr. I-Like-To-Pee-On-Little-Boys.

It was an empty playground in the middle of the night.

Ah. That's weirder. Poor child must have been terrified.

There were no children. No kids in the park. Why do people think that?

You know what? Forget it. Listen, let's just cut to the chase, all right, mister?

You're engaged now. Right.

And I respect the institution of marriage way too much to violate it.

So that's why you're gonna have to fuck me well before the wedding.

Because the closer we get to this date, the less ladylike I'm gonna feel about it.

Julia, I'm not gonna sleep with you.

We'll see about that.

Get out.

Could you do the, uh...?

I'm a sucker. Harken wasn't gonna promote me.

That coked-up prick is gonna ruin Pellit Chemicals.

He's just gonna fire everybody.

She stood there with her breasts right in my face.

Yeah, you know, yours doesn't sound that bad.

I'll stop bringing it up.

I don't understand why you guys don't quit.

Julia's the only one who'd hire me. Are you registered sex offenders?

Going to school, changing fields, starting from the bottom. Who wants to do that?

What do I care about protecting Pellit's name when his own son doesn't?

Gotta be a million jobs out there. You could find another job.

Is this really happening? Look at this. Oh!

The Three Musketeers. Nick, Kurt and Dale. Look, hanging like high school.

Oh, shit. Kenny's here. What's up?

Yeah, I love this. Kenny Sommerfeld.

In the flesh, boys. Oh, my goodness.

Now, I heard you moved to New York, you're working at Lehman Brothers.

They, uh, hired me right out of Yale. What are you doing here?

You read the papers? They shut us down. Right. Sorry about that.

I've been looking for work for the last two years.

I can't even get a job waiting tables.

Ah, you know what, though?

I would fucking murder those Lehman Brothers if I could.

Yeah, I hear you.

Ha. I can't even pay for this fucking drink.

Well, we'll cover it, right?

Seriously, uh, you guys think you could help me out a little?

Beyond the drink? Maybe some extra scratch, if you got it.

Of course. Kenny, I had no idea it was that bad, buddy. All I got's 15.

Do you have change for a 10? No, I don't.

You know what? That's probably not gonna cut it, so I'll tell you what.

How about I give you guys some hand jobs?

Do what? Forty bucks apiece.

We could do it here in the bathroom.

No thanks. That's a joke? You're joking?

Kenny. Hey!

Oh, shit. Come on, man.

I told you no more handies in here.

You guys change your minds, I'm staying at my mom's house.

Okay.

Maybe don't quit your job.

I guess we'll be miserable for the rest of our lives? That's the deal?

That's the way it's looking. Why you saying that?

We don't have many options, do we?

Think about it, we can quit our jobs and turn into Kenny...

...or, uh, keep our jobs and just become spineless losers...

...that spend their entire day dreaming of ways to kill their bosses.

You do that too? Of course.

Sounds a little sick. It's not. It's just a way to blow off steam.

It's not like we're gonna actually kill our bosses.

Good. Ha, ha. Though you would have to admit...

...that our lives would be a lot easier if our bosses weren't alive.

Mm-hm.

Hypothetically, if we could do it and none of us get caught, would you guys do it?

No. I would.

No, you wouldn't. I would.

You would? Yeah.

It's not murder if it's justified. Justifiable homicide, right?

I can't wait to hear this.

If one evil person dies for the greater good, so be it.

You know, Bobby Pellit is an absolute monster. He's a fucking jerk.

If he has his way, he's gonna end up killing thousands of innocent Bolivians.

What?

Technically, I think it's immoral not to kill him.

I should kill Harken for not letting me say goodbye to Gam Gam?

Yes. Yes, you should.

But I don't care how bad our bosses are. We're not murderers.

Julia is ruining your life, you know? That's wrong.

That is wrong. It's affecting your possible marriage.

Come on, she's not ruining it. Would your life be easier without Julia?

You're right. Uh, know what I'm gonna do?

I'm gonna go to Julia's house, maybe I'll slash her up...

...and I'll put her in a box and I'll mail it to you two, uh, tough-guy mafiosos.

I'm done with this conversation. You're paying for dinner because you've upset me.

You're paying and I'm finding a cab somehow.

I was just speaking hypothetically, you know.

Me too.

Guess who.

Look, I'm really kind of not in the mood for this.

Not in the mood for what?

Hi. Hi, babe.

Oh, what are you doing here?

I invited her. Yes. She called.

And she said that now that we're engaged, she wanted to offer me free dental work.

And you know I have that loose filling. Yeah.

This really was so, so sweet of you, Julia.

Oh, please. Come on, Stacy, it's my pleasure.

You're part of the family now.

But, um, I don't know if it's a good idea, sweetie.

Oh, why not?

Because we're mixing pleasure with business. Business and pleasure.

We're taking advantage of Julia.

Dale.

There's nothing that you could do ever that would be taking advantage of me.

Okay? So sweet.

All right, you. Let's go say we pump you full of gas, huh?

Okay. Okay.

Fuck me.

Ten.

Nine.

I don't know what you're doing with your hand.

Okay. Seven.

Put your hand in a safe place because there's sharp tools here.

Oh, there she goes.

Come here! What are you doing? What are you doing?

You're gonna give me that dong, Dale.

My dong?

You're gonna fuck my slutty little mouth.

Do you hear the words you say sometimes? I mean, who talks like that?

Let's have sex on top of her. Let's use her like a bed.

Get down, get down. Hey, hey! Get off of her.

Goddamn you! That's it, okay? You know what? That's crossing the line.

So I'm done, Julia.

Fuck this. I'm out. I don't need this job. So goodbye, I'm quitting. I'm done.

I'm gonna tell her you fucked me.

What?

If you don't fuck me, I'm gonna tell her that you fucked me.

Okay. Tell her whatever the hell you want. She's not gonna believe you.

She already knows that you're a sex offender.

And I think once she gets a look at these...

...she's gonna believe me.

What is that? Do you remember your first week here?

When I changed the crown on your second bicuspid?

Yeah.

Well, I just, uh, took a few pictures of the procedure.

Oh, my God. Right?

Oh, no. What?

Oh. Ooh.

You did all this while I was unconscious?

Ooh. Mm-hm. Yep.

That's my favorite.

Rape. What?

Rape. That's a rape. This is what raping is.

You're a raper and you've raped me. That's a rape! Rape!

Just relax there, Jodie Foster.

Your dick wasn't even hard.

That does not give me any relief.

But it will be next time, and if it is not...

...this little sweetheart right here is gonna get a peek at my little photo album.

So please prep the patient for the bitewing x-ray.

I'll be back in a jiffy.

I'm in. Let's kill this bitch!

What bitch? "What bitch"? Guys, my boss.

Our bosses need to die. You were right, man. We should do this thing.

We were drinking last night. You said that killing is wrong.

I know. That was before Julia tried to fuck me on top of Stacy's unconscious body.

Really? Yes, dude.

She's gone fucking batshit crazy. She took a bunch of photographs of me...

Where are they? They'll ruin my life. I can't show them.

It's a whole thing. You guys in or out? I was in last night.

Nick, what do you say? Please. Let's go.

Nick, come on.

Seriously. I mean, uh, what about your grandma, you know? Bubbe.

Gam Gam. Whatever it is.

She didn't get to say goodbye to her grandson.

Because his dickbag of a boss wouldn't let him leave. Right?

What would Gam Gam want you to do? She wouldn't want me to kill him.

Okay, forget about Gam Gam. She's dead. You gotta accept that.

This is about you, Nick. Okay, what do you want?

Well, obviously I want him gone.

Exactly. So let's do this. Right?

How do we do this? I thought about that.

Stacy and I, we watch a ton of Law & Order.

There's all sorts of ways the bad guys on the show mess up, right?

They leave behind skin cells and, uh, bullet casing...

Sperm.

Most of the time, it's sperm. Silent killer.

Anyway, that's not the point. Point is...

...we're not qualified. We gotta hire a professional.

Are you talking about a hit man? Yeah.

That's a really good idea.

Yeah. We don't clean our own apartments or cut our own hair.

No, we pay someone to do that. Yeah.

Uh, where are you two gonna find a hit man?

Why don't you guys leave that up to me, okay?

I got this whole thing figured out.

I'm gonna give you a call tomorrow, I'm gonna tell you where to meet me.

Why don't you just tell us now?

Because I don't have it figured out. Ah.

But I will.

Were you followed? Why would I be followed?

People follow people in these types of situations. Sure you weren't?

Oh, boy. What people?

Just take one quick look around, make sure.

Let's put this down. Look around, make sure some...

Calm down! That's what you get.

Shut the door, take the chain off and let me in.

I pissed him off already. Already?

What the hell's going on, huh? What are we doing here?

I don't want an assassin in my apartment. Don't want this guy knowing where we live.

Hang on, you guys already went ahead and found someone that's coming here?

Oh, bigtime. Not "we. " Dale, all by himself.

It was easy. Easy as buying a used futon. You found a hit man online?

Yeah. They don't write "hit man," right? That's dumb.

They use code words, like wet work, right? Liquidation. Check him out.

"Skilled professional with years of experience...

...in domestic and international wet work.

Discreet. No children, no political figures. "

That last part was important. I saw that, I thought, "This is a good idea. "

I feel we should've got a cheese plate for this guy.

-20/20 hindsight. Is that him?

Oh, shit. Yeah, that was definitely a car.

He looks like James Bond. He really does, dude.

Bet he carries a gun you screw together. Those are, like, the coolest guns they make.

So dangerous. What if that is an undercover cop?

Come on. What if it's the real thing?

He charges so much we can't afford it, gets pissed, kills us.

Kills all three of us? Hold on. That's a thing?

Could that happen?

Gotta let him in. How's my hair?

What do you mean? It doesn't matter. Let's do this. Okay.

Ready?

Yeah?

Are you Dale?

I am the one they call Dale. Hmm.

Please come in.

Thank you.

Are all three of you participating in this?

Yes. Well, um...

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yep. Yep. Yes.

Very well.

Now, before we go any further...

...I need to know if there are any hidden recording devices in the room.

I will find out if there are.

I'm sure you would, but there's none because that would be stupid of us.

That's a silly move. It's a no.

Then let's get started.

I love this guy. This is the real deal.

His voice, you kidding? This guy is legit.

And you do know that we just wanna start with a...?

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey, wait, what's this for?

For the mess. What?

Wouldn't wanna leave a stain, now.

Oh, my God. I knew it. Who's first?

"Who's first"? No. We don't want you to kill us.

We want you to kill another person. If anyone's first, probably him.

No. Goddamn it.

Gentlemen, gentlemen, what are you talking about?

Your ad said you do wet work.

That's correct. I urinate on other men for money.

What was that? What'd he say?

I think he said he pisses on dudes.

Why else do you think my ad was in the "men seeking men" section?

Where was it?

You fucking idiot. Could you be dumber?

Why look in the "men seeking men"...? We are men looking for a man!

How do people let you work on their teeth?

They don't, actually. I just hand the tools to Julia.

Are you telling me that I've driven all this way and nobody wants to get pissed on?

Uh-uh. Well, it's not our thing.

Sorry about that.

Can I use your toilet? I stored up rather a large amount of pee for this.

Sure. Yeah, it's right through there. Knock yourself out.

Oh, and by the way, I still will want my $200.

Understandable. We insist.

Two hundred, huh? A bargain. To kill three people?

I thought it was such a good deal. Dipshit.

Reflects poorly on me that you're my friend. Hear what's going on in there?

That was almost all over us.

Okay, I'm gonna take the blame on that one.

You bet your ass you will. You should take the blame.

It was an honest mistake. That's not how you find a killer.

Oh, you know how to find a killer? Yeah, I bet I...

Yeah, hey, you know what? Yeah. I got an idea.

What are you doing?

What are you doing?

Good evening, Mr. Buckman.

Thank you for contacting Nav Guide. My name is Gregory.

How may I be of service this evening?

Yeah, we're looking for the most dangerous bar in the city. Can you help us, please?

We're going to dinner. I'm sorry?

Looking for a bar filled with criminals. Lowlife thugs, hard-core shitheads.

What do you got for us? Let's go to a restaurant.

I'm afraid our listings are not organized by danger, sir.

I see there's an Applebee's three blocks from your location.

Perfect. No, not really helpful.

They're not the kind of shitheads we need. Anything else?

I could direct you to a neighborhood...

...with the greatest number of carjackings.

Now we're thinking outside the box. I wanna go to dinner.

Love it. That's probably right.

Very good, sir. You may wish to lock your doors.

This is worse than getting pissed on. Shh.

I'd rather be pissed on. Jesus.

You weren't kidding, Gregory. This is, uh, a bad part of town.

You can stay on the line. You're still there?

I'm still here, sir. Just keep, uh, keep us on the line.

I'm always curious about these things, but is your real name Gregory?

Uh, no, sir. My real name is Atmanand.

How do you get Gregory from that?

Oh. Gregory was assigned to me...

... by Nav Guide. Why not let you use your real name?

They say many Americans find our real names hard to pronounce.

I'm not gonna play by their rules anymore.

From now on, I'm gonna call you Ahmenan.

Atmanand. Ammenand.

Atmanad. Atmanand.

I'm gonna call you Gregory, that name's a nightmare.

Hey, baby. Oh, boy.

You hurt his feelings. I didn't.

You have arrived at your destination, sir.

All right. Well, thanks, Gregory. You're welcome.

All right. All right, here we go.

This is a really bad idea. This is a great idea.

Gonna yell "anybody here kill for money"? No.

That's a terrible plan. Follow me. I got this.

Where you going? I don't feel we should stay.

All right.

Bowflex? Shut up.

Ah.

My man.

Hey, uh, does anyone here kill people for money?

Kurt. The fuck you just say?

No, it's not a race thing.

Uh, I believe that society discriminates and disenfranchises you folks.

"You folks"? Subtle.

Man, I'm a small-business owner. Who the hell you calling disenfranchised?

Well, not you in particular, in that instance.

Oh, right. You mean all black people. Yes.

I'm gonna be in the car. Oh, a baseball bat.

Uh, I didn't mean to offend you. I'm sorry if that's what happened.

My heart's in the right place.

In five seconds, your heart gonna be in the wrong place.

Four, three, two, let's roll. Got it. Okay. Take care.

Have a nice day. Good day to you.

Bye, baby.

Don't say a word. I know, I know.

Hit the button. Hit the button.

Guys, I don't know. Should we quit? Yeah, definitely.

Yo. Think I can help you boys. Is that for us?

Here we go. Not interested, thank you.

Hey, hey, hey.

Let's follow a strange guy into a dark corner.

Somebody said y'all looking for somebody to help with business.

Yep. Well, um...

... are you a businessman? Yeah.

Motherfucker Jones.

How's that? Motherfucker Jones.

Your first name is "Motherfucker"?

Last name Jones. You got a problem with that?

No. No. Cool name. Yeah. Is that, like, on your birth certificate too?

No, goofball.

My real name is Dean.

Dean Jones. Same name of the actor in Herbie, the Love Bug.

He won't know who that is.

I know who he is, bitch. Sorry.

I can't walk around in this fucking neighborhood with that Disney-ass name.

How'd you get the name Motherfucker?

When I was a kid, I snuck into my mother's bedroom.

Ooh. Uh-oh.

She was laying there naked. Dean.

She had been drinking all night. We get it.

And then I snuck up behind her, and then I slipped my fingers...

... into her purse. Purse? He said "purse. "

I took her money, the whole week's pay. I really fucked her over.

And that's how I got the name Motherfucker Jones.

Right.

They should call you Motherfucker-Over Jones to avoid confusion.

What's the confusion? There's no confusion.

We're gonna get back on track here. Sir, we each have a boss, uh...

...that, you know...

There's three bosses, and it would be best if those bosses maybe were no longer...

No longer around anymore. We want them...

You know? ... killed.

You got the cheese?

We got the cheese. What kind of cheese are you thinking?

What is that, three hits? That's... Yeah.

Thirty large. Whoa.

Hungry. That's a lot of cheese.

Oh, here's an idea.

If you kill two, could we get the third one hold the cheese?

It's no negotiations. Thirty large or nothing.

That's more cheese than we've got. Okay, then. It's five large now.

Then we're in. We're in. We're in. Right?

Hang on. Wouldn't it be awful if it was traceable back to us?

I don't even know your names.

That is rude. This is Dale. Don't say my name.

Shut the fuck up. Listen. Bring the money here tomorrow, I'll take care of the rest.

Do you want it in something specific, a shoebox, duffel bag?

Just be here with the fucking money. Yeah.

Put it in a briefcase. Thanks for your time.

Here we go.

Is the briefcase coming out of your end?


Looks like it's all there.

Didn't even need a briefcase. It's a small stack.

We should have used a manila envelope. It's all right.

What is your projected outside date of completion, Motherfucker?

Ah.

I just got back from doing a dime for some real nasty shit.

That's 10 years. I know.

They're looking at me. I'm on probation, and if I step out of line...

...I'm going back.

Right. Understood.

Period? End of story? What does that mean?

Wait. You said you'd take care of this. Yeah, I'll take care of it.

I'm gonna be your murder consultant.

I'm sorry, but, uh...

No, man. Right? That's not cool. You don't shut this fucking hamster up...

Don't call me a hamster now. Come on. Easy, easy.

It's just upsetting. No, it's somewhat accurate.

Look, that is not what we talked about, Motherfucker.

So how about we just take the money and we'll get out of here?

How about you go fuck yourself? No refunds.

That's $5000. If you think we're just gonna walk out and let you keep that...

I think you're forgetting... Don't go grabbing quickly.

Jesus.

Mr. Motherfucker, please, don't shoot us. Let's just talk it out.

Listen, $5000 is mine. I don't care what you say.

You can take my advice or get the fuck out of here.

That's a terrible deal. We should listen.

Okay, $5000 worth of advice? Yeah.

Most killers are first-timers.

You wanna pull off a brilliant murder, you gotta act like it's an accident.

Failed brakes, gas leaks, suicide.

You do it right, you ain't even gotta be there when it goes down.

Oh, boy. That's five grand worth, huh?

Pretty pedestrian. Not really. Obvious information, isn't it?

Sounds like Scooby-Doo. How are we supposed to fake three accidents?

You stalk your prey.

Gotta be smart. Find out where they live, find out their habits. What's their hobbies?

What they like, what food they like, who they fucking.

Word. Find them vulnerable.

I have a job, you know? What's that, surveillance and recon?

That's why we were hiring, because we wanna sub that out. We have jobs.

Even if you pull it off perfectly...

...if you crackers got motives...

...the popo...

That's police. ... will pin it to you.

We all have clear motives for killing our bosses...

...so this is not gonna work. This is garbage.

I got it.

Why don't you kill each other's bosses?

That's actually a good idea. It's not bad.

Yeah, like Hitchcock's Strangers on a Train, right?

I didn't see that. They do that? Danny DeVito movie. It's funny.

That famous Alfred Hitchcock, Danny DeVito movie. That's the one he's...

Come on. You're thinking of Throw Momma From the Train.

That's what it is. That I saw.

Good movie. That's what you're thinking about.

Same idea, though. We kill each other's bosses, there's no link to us.

Exactly. Five thousand dollars well spent, right?

No. Not at all. Waste of money.

Well, too fucking bad.

Get out.

Hello.

Hey. I'm outside. You ready to do a little recon?

Yep. Yeah. I have to get Harken to let me leave a little bit early.

What's the difference? Not like he'll be your boss much longer.

I'll be down in three minutes.

Three minutes it is. Bye. He'll be down in three minutes.

Dude, these seats are crazy comfortable. Look at this. I know, it's so good. Ah.

The worst report I have ever read in my life, you nimwit.

You're such a fucking dweeb.

Do you have a parking space? Because I'm gonna take it away from you.

Who is it, like your mother-in-law that knows my wife?

How you got this fucking job, I don't even understand.

Ugh.

What the hell?

Sorry, everybody. I've been fighting that bug all day. Let me get back to work.

No, no, no. You're disgusting. Go home. I don't want you getting anyone else sick.

Probably best.

Take all your work with you and have it on my desk 6 a. m. Monday.

You got it. Thank you, Mr. Harken. Jesus Christ.

Don't forget to take your fucking trash can. Yeah. No, that's mine.

You goddamn barfing pig.

Evens are over here.

I know, but sometimes on some streets evens are on the opposite side.

Never.

Never have and they never will. There it is, 428.

Which one, which one? Don't stop right in front of it.

Stop right here. Right here, right here.

Okay, boys.

We wait till Pellit makes a move, then we tail him, all right?

It is on like Donkey Kong. Ha, ha.

Hells yeah, man. Here we go, huh?

I'm fucking pumped.

Oh, my God. This sucks.

This is horrible, man.

Are we even sure this guy's home?

Let's go check this out. Yeah, we should probably look, right?

Shh.

Oh, my God.

What do you wanna do? What's the plan?

Let's look through this window right here. No, no. No, let's ring the bell.

You're not gonna ring the bell. Look through the window right here.

Chances are, he's not home. I haven't seen any activity in this house...

What are you doing? You're not gonna ring the doorbell.

Whoo-hoo!

Come on. Come on. Dale, Dale, Dale.

I didn't make it in.

I'm sorry, guys. Didn't make it in.

You in?

Yeah, I'm okay. Jesus Christ, the guy owns a fucking bear?

We're breaking and entering here. I know. Shh. Oh, look at this.

Look at this place. It's awful. It's like a douchebag museum.

It's like we stepped inside the mind of an asshole.

Shit. He's got a foosball table.

Dale! Don't touch anything. Get your hands off that.

Fingerprints. Yeah, fingerprints.

God. We should be wearing gloves. We don't have... Oh, here. I know.

Use your sleeves. Use your sleeves.

For what? Use them for gloves.

Come on. I can see my fingerprints from here.

What do we do? What's the plan? We're here to get some intel.

"Intel"? It's short for "intelligence. "

I know what it stands for. Then why did you ask?

Why are we talking about this? Let's split up.

In and out, in and out. We'll find something good, and we're in and out of here.

Stop chatting and start looking. We're committing a crime. This is a crime.

Whoa.

Nick. Yeah?

Now, this would count as intel, right? Holy shit, that's a lot of cocaine.

Have you ever seen this much cocaine?

That's gotta be worth, what, 10, 15,000...?

Oh, I blew it. I blew that, didn't I?

Hmm.

Don't inhale. Grab the box. I'll scoop it in.

I really don't wanna touch it. I don't have sleeve-gloves.

Get something to... Ugh. I'll scoop it in.

So bitter.

Hmm.

In the butt you go, go, go.

There you go.

Big scoop.

All right, let me try this. Look out.

Yeah, that better work. Watch out.

There you go.

I don't know. Go slow.

Get on the couch. Stop helping.

All right.

In you go.

Ooh.

You probably should have emptied the DustBuster first.

Is that what you think?

I was thinking that. On account of the dust.

Well, I've heard of butt floss, but this is ridiculous. Ha, ha.

Get a sifter, or a... Colander.

Colander would be good.

And I'll start picking.

That'll do.

I feel like everything'll work out. I'm like a machine. Look how fast I am.

I'm moving super fast. I can't even feel my nose.

Wanna know what's weird? I should be panicking...

...and I am a little, but it's in a very good way.

It's a good kind of panic because I feel like I wanna die...

... but I also feel very, very, very good. Yeah.

Hey! What are you guys doing?

Nothing. But before we go, I wanna take one more dump.

Take a dump and I'm gonna do push-ups. Because I gotta get fit.

What the hell have you guys done?

I'm feeling good, dude. Wanna help me clean?

We bond over this. This is friendship stuff.

We broke into someone's house. It's the most amazing experience of my life.

We broke into a man's house. Suddenly, I'm like an expert at sifting cocaine.

It's amazing. Come here and help me with this.

Can't believe we weren't prepared.

That was completely dangerous, a total waste of time.

Well, no. Actually, not a total waste of time. Look what I got.

Not bad, huh? What is that?

Is this his phone? That's his phone.

You steal this? I sure did.

It's got his contacts, schedule. Very nice.

No. What do you mean, "no"?

That's a crime. Pfft. Nope. Ha. No one said we'd be stealing.

This is a good grab. We broke in! You guys did cocaine!

Right. Two... Three crimes. He's all jitzed out. Ignore him.

We're in the process of getting ready to kill three people...

...and you're giving me shit about stealing a phone?

Run it by me if you'll be stealing stuff.

Run it by you? Run it by me!

Nick, will you hold this for a second? What are you doing?

"Run"? I'm not gonna run anything by you.

I'm not gonna run anything by you. Dickhead.

There's a lot of stuff in here. I know.

Wanna go check out your boss now? Yeah, I guess we should.

You don't punch the driver! You don't punch the fucking driver.

I'm coked out of my fucking brain. I'll punch whoever the fuck I want to.

Let's do this, guys. Feeling good.

Be very quiet out there. Calm down, Dale.

You know what? Hang on a second.

Dale? Dude, hold it. Last time the three of us did this, it was very messy.

It was awesome, exciting. It was clunky as hell.

Here's what we'll do. In the event that Harken is not here, just me and Kurt go in.

You'll stay out here, not go in, and be our lookout.

What? Are you kidding me? That's awesome. I love that. The lookout.

I don't know what the guy looks like. Doesn't matter.

You see anybody, just assume that it's Harken, send us a signal.

Okay? Have a seat. Okay.

Okay. Send a sig... I'm gonna honk the horn six times.

Goddamn it. No. Did he say "six"?

Something much more subtle. That's too many.

More subtle? Four honks? Can you honk once?

Are you kidding? Not at all.

People honk once all the time. You'll be in and out...

We'll know it's you. Come on, man. Dale, two honks.

That kind of tone's gonna get you nowhere. All right, two honks.

Just two honks. A little tap, tap. Okay.

Two very long, very slow honks.

I'm gonna check this window over here. Okay.

There's nothing on that side. Yeah. I don't think there's anyone in there.

I think he's definitely out.

Maybe we can find a way in upstairs.

Yeah, or maybe there's a window open.

Or better yet...

That makes things easier, huh?

I like the way you think. Move.

No, don't do that. Hey! God! Oh, shit.

I broke a rock.

Please tell me you realize that was a key thingy.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

You weren't gonna throw a rock through the door?

No, of course not. No, I wanted to open it.

Like a real cat burglar.

Wow.

Just recon, now, okay?

Hey, take this. I don't want it. I want my hands free.

You broke it.

I feel the intel...

God! Okay, just a cat.

Out of nowhere.

Just a cat. We're all right. Let's look upstairs. Come on.

They call me hell They call me Stacey That's not my name That's not my name That's not my name That's not my name They call me hell They call me her They call me hell They call me Stacey That's not my name That's not my name

Oh! Goddamn it.

Jesus, how many cats do they have?

It's the same one, I think. Yeah. Really?

Quick little bugger, huh?

Hey.

Shit, is that Harken's wife? Yeah, that's her.

Oh, man, she is hot. She sure is. Here we go.

I'd like to bend her over a barrel and show her the 50 states.

I don't know what that means. Ah, it's a saying.

I don't think so. No, it is, it is. Yeah. No, people say that.

I haven't heard it. I've definitely heard people say that.

I'm not gonna argue. Let's continue the recon.

Well, it's definitely a phrase. It sure isn't.

Yeah, it is. It's from a book. The Great Gatsby, maybe?

Let's just look for an address book or a day planner or something. You know?

You know, it's too bad we're not looking for cats. These people fucking love cats.


Hey, schmuckface.

You wanna tell me what you're doing littering on my street?

I think what happened, ahem, was that the wind blew it out of my hand.

I don't care if the wind blew it out of your twat.

Why don't you take this piece-of-shit car and get off my fucking block.

I don't know why you're mad at the car. I don't think we should get hostile now.

"Hostile"? You wanna see hostile?

How about I go in my house and I get my...?

What are...? What's going on with you?

Peanuts.

"Penis"?

Oh, peanuts.

That was a peanut butter sandwich. Are you not good with peanuts?

What are you pointing at? What's going on? What's here?

Oh, I got it! What do I do? What do I do?

"Check the needle, pump back, pump... " Okay, hold on. I'm a slow reader.

"Hold the pump... " Okay, okay!

Jab it in your chest. Okay. I got you, dude. Ready?

How you feeling, you good?

You good? Did I get you? Did I get you?

Whoa. Whoa. Dude, come here. Hurry.

Look at this.

Is that Harken? Dale's killing Harken? That's Harken?

I'm gonna hit you again, okay?

What is he doing? He's really doing it?

This is the recon stage. Holy shit.

We gotta get out of here. Come on, we gotta go. Oh, God.

I'm pushing on it. Okay.

What about little jabs? Little jabs?

Do I get your neck?

Was that good?

Come on, man!

Oh, my God.

Hey, hey! Come here!

What's going on? What are you doing? What's happened?

I think he's okay! I hit him with this. Do you know him?

Of course, he's my husband. Sweetie? Honey? Sweetheart, are you okay?

There he is. Hey. Ah. What did you do to me?

I saved you with your thingy. It was incredible.

Oh, my God, sweetie. He saved your life.

You saved his life.

Okay. That's cool.

What's with the hugging? Saved your life!

Oh, sweetie, I am just so grateful that he was here. You could have died.

I'm sure you are grateful he's here. Yes, I am.

You know this guy? No, I don't.

Are you fucking this guy? What were you doing, waiting to fuck my wife?

Dude, I just met your wife. You want your thing back?

You better get out of here. No problem.

Dave. Dave, what are you...? Honey?

Honey, you should be thanking this young man. Why are you being so suspicious?

Why? You know why I'm being suspicious.

Because I know you sleep around on me.

That's ridiculous.

What about the way you look at Maurilio?

You realize we're all going to jail because of that idiot?

Man, I can't go to jail. Look at me. I'll get raped like crazy.

Fuck, me too.

Yeah, totally.

I'd get raped just as much as you would, Kurt.

Do you think you're more rape-able? I'm not saying that.

You're pretty close to saying... Oh, fuck.

Holy shit. Did you guys see me out there?

Yeah, we saw you, Dale.

Shh. Yeah, we saw that.

How cool was that?

It wasn't cool at all. We come out to gather information...

...and you start stabbing Harken to death in front of the neighborhood?

Harken? Who'd you think you were stabbing?

I wasn't stabbing anyone.

He had an allergic reaction to some peanuts and I rescued him, know what I mean?

He had a little allergy shot on him and I...

I mean, I jabbed him with that, but I was just saving his life.

Saved a man's life. Hang on a second.

So my boss, who we're thinking about planning to kill...

...is dying in front of you and you saved his life?

Well, that sounds bad when you say it like that.

Can you open the door? That's not cool.

But I didn't know it was Harken. Hit the button.

This is why I need to know what people look like.

You're mad at me for killing him...

Can we give him a time-out? For one second.

Make up your fucking mind. It's like...

What is this?

You gotta admit we got some good intel tonight.

Harken is allergic to peanuts and Pellit's got a huge stash of cocaine.

Are you playing this game?

So all we gotta do is figure a way to get peanuts somewhere into Harken's house...

...and put some poison in Pellit's coke.

It's easy for someone to think Pellit got a bad batch of cocaine.

You seriously locking me out of the car like we're in 8th grade?

What about Harken? Probably always got that injector thing.

Doesn't shower with it.

So then we'll put some peanuts inside his shampoo.

A couple of fatal accidents we're not even there for.

Motherfucker Jones would be so proud. Yeah, he would.

Getting old. What do you do about dummy's boss?

I'll stake her out tomorrow and get to the bottom of it.

A man has his limits. That left a fucking dent.

Get him fucking home.

Very funny. That was very funny, guys.

We have one thing to figure out, if you can help us.

If Nick and I were in prison, who do you think would get raped more?

Nick.

Really? Why?

It's about weakness and vulnerability. It's not a looks thing.

It probably would be Nick.

Getting locked out of the car is bullshit, man.


That's an awesome deal.

Jesus, Dale. It's a murder, not a cocktail party.

I know. You don't have to announce that to the world.

There was a great deal on nuts. I'm not gonna pass up on savings.

Okay, so this is it.

I'm doing Pellit, you're gonna do Harken, and you'll get some intel from Julia, right?

Copy that. Okay. See you on the other side.


Okay.

Thank you, Kimmy. You're welcome.

That was great.

See you next time. Yeah.

Thank you, Bill. Thank you, Bobby.

What?

Whew.

Oh.

Shit.

Hey. How's it going over there?

What do you know about Julia? I learned I gotta switch dentists...

...because this woman is unbelievably hot.

How's it going over there? Uh, it's...

Just... I'm waiting for, you know, Pellit to sleep or leave or...

Just... Just waiting.

Wonder what, uh, Dale's doing with Harken.

It's gonna be really hard.

And we'll have to work at this every day, but I wanna do that because I want you.

I want all of you forever, you and me, every day...

Everybody was kung-fu fighting Everybody was kung-fu fighting

Give me that.

Give it to me.

Jesus. Where does this guy get the energy?

Oh, yeah.

What the fuck was that?

Okay. Okay.

Okay. Okay.

Yeah, Dale? I don't think I can do this.

Look, I know you really hate Harken but...

...I don't think I can go through with it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I know. I've been thinking the same thing.

Yeah, let's just call it off. What the fuck?

What? It's Harken. He's here.

He's at Pellit's? Why?

I don't know. He's walking right up to the front door.

You think he's onto us? How the fuck do I know?

Knock a little louder?

What? What?

Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ, Harken just shot Pellit.

Are you sure?

Holy shit. Pellit opened up the door, Harken shot him in the chest...

...he fell down, he shot him again in the head.

He shot him? Wait, what's going on? I don't understand. He shot him?

Nick? Say something. Nick, Nick.

Nick! Nick, Nick, talk to me. Nick, what's happening?

What's going on?

How's Pellit doing? Still pretty fucking dead, Dale.

I gotta get out of here before somebody sees me. Meet me at the bar. I'll call Kurt.

Yeah. I'll meet you there.

I might throw up a couple times in the toilet here, but then I'll meet you there.

Oh.

Oh, Toyota.

Stay calm. We'll figure this out.

"Calm"? I saw a guy get shot an hour ago.

I know. A guy you were gonna kill anyway. Listen, I don't know about that.

What? Don't know if I had it in me.

I freaked out and panicked, got out of there.

Are you kidding? You can't change a plan like this...

I'm not a murderer.

You think when it came down to it, you'd be able to kill Julia?

I don't know. Maybe you're right. It is a little hard to imagine killing her now.

"Now"? Wait, what does that mean?

Did you sleep with her? No, no.

Tell me you didn't sleep with her. You're a mess.

But this time it wasn't my fault, I swear to God.

You will be a suspect if you try and kill her now.

At first I was surveilling her, like I was asked to do.

She's incredibly hot, by the way. So hot. Don't talk about how hot she is, bastard.

Next thing, she starts deliberately undressing.

Come on.

In front of her window with the lights on.

Like she knew I was watching. "Deliberately undressed"?

Slowly, seductively, lot of shoulder moves...

...is clearly putting on a show.

Next she makes herself a little snack. She have a nice chest?

A Popsicle.

Then a banana. Come on.

And finally, a hot dog. I mean, come on. Now I don't believe your story.

Three penis-shaped foods, that can't be a coincidence, right?

Eating them in that weird order? Not a proper meal.

It's cold to hot.

Fine. So you took the penis foods as an invitation to fuck her.

No, no. God, no. I took her invitation to fuck her as an invitation to fuck her.

She lured me in. It was like one of these things.

Something clinically wrong with you. You're a whore.

Come on. That's not nice, okay? Look, your problem's solved.

She won't mess with you anymore.

Can we move on? Let's talk about what happened to Pellit.

All right, okay. Let me think. Okay, here's what I'm thinking. Here's my idea.

We call the cops with an anonymous tip. All right?

We tell them Harken killed Pellit. Boom.

Harken's in jail, Pellit's in hell, Julia's had the crazy fucked out of her...

...and all three of us have our problems solved.

It could work. An anonymous tip, that's not bad.

Mm-hm.

Gotta be from a pay phone, though, so it's not traced back to us.

Exactly. Good. Let's take my car. Let's do it.

All right. Where do you even find a pay phone these days?

There's a ton at the bus station for sure.

Oh, yeah, I guess that's a good point. Maybe the mall.

What is this?

What is this? Is that for us?

What? Oh, shit.

All the way down.

Right there.

Are you the owner of this vehicle? I own it. Yup.

We got an APB on a gray Toyota Prius, license 2-Whiskey-Alpha-Quincy-2-3-3.

How come? Hang on, man.

Did I talk to you? No.

That's this car. Tell me how I can help.

A traffic cam caught this car fleeing the scene of a crime tonight.

Would you know anything about that? I don't know why it would do that.

I mean, I don't know. What happened?

Have you been drinking? No.

I smell alcohol.

This guy and the mouth in the back. That's me.

I'm gonna need you to follow us to the station.

Officer.

My man.

I cannot believe I let you talk me into this whole thing. I cannot believe it.

Are you kidding me? We were being hypothetical.

Being hypothetical? You're the one that pushed us into it.

Do you wanna explain why you were doing 61 in a 25 zone...

...one block from the victim's house...

...just moments after he got shot dead?

I was drag racing.

I'm a drag racer. You were drag racing?

Mm.

In a Prius?

I don't win a lot.

Here's what I don't understand.

You were at the crime scene.

Hour later we find the car. You happened to be hanging with this freaky motherfucker.

A registered sex offender. It was an empty playground.

And this guy. Who happens to be working for Pellit Chemicals, the victim's company.

What?

My boss was murdered?

Oh, wow. What were you doing at his house, Nick? Why were you there?

Where were you during the murder?

I was making love. I was making love to a woman.

Yeah. Murdering some ass.

Detectives... No, uh, I have a question.

If one of us knew, you know, who the shooter was...

...and he was willing to serve you that perp on a platter...

...he would be entitled to some sort of immunity, right?

No. He would be entitled to some jail time.

If he knew who the shooter was and didn't tell us...

...that would be obstruction of justice.

Glad none of us know who the shooter is.

Listen, if you think we're gonna believe that this is all just a big coincidence...

...we're gonna be here for a long time.

Okay, wait. By saying "we're gonna be here for a long time"...

...you're implying that we're not allowed to leave...

...which would only be the case if we were under arrest. Are we under arrest?

No. We just brought you in for questioning.

Well, then, ipso facto...

...you don't have sufficient evidence...

...constituting probable cause for an arrest warrant.

Not yet.

Well, uh, then, pursuant to the Fourth Amendment...

...I believe we are free to go. Are we not?

Yeah, technically. Yeah.

Technically is good enough for me.

Gentlemen, ahem, we are free men.

Let's go.

We gotta get back to your car. Keep moving.

We get a cab? Take the train? What do you wanna do?

You ever been on a subway in this town? Pretty great. Where'd that come from?

Law & Order, okay? You can learn stuff watching Law & Order.

We showed them, huh? We did show them.

You were about to turn us in.

There was a few conversations about ratting each other out, but it was gonna be fine.

Hold on.

That's for you, hotshot. Speeding and running a red light.

You boys don't get too comfortable out there.

Our forensics team is sweeping the Pellit house right now for DNA and fingerprints.

And I'll tell you something. They don't miss shit.

In the butt you go, go, go.

Why would you put his whole bathroom in your ass?!

I didn't I know I had DNA in my butt. Lying! You know there's DNA in your butt.

You just like shoving shit in your ass, you fucking pervert!

We are lawyering up, man. That's it.

I don't have money for a lawyer. I bought a very expensive ring I can't afford...

...then I gave the rest of my motherfucking money to Motherfucker Jones.

That's who we should talk to.

He's covered us this far, right? Five grand? Five thousand. Forty, with the briefcase.

Shut up about that! Shut up about the briefcase.

Excuse me. Excuse me. Da-da-da.

Hello, Motherfucker. Hey, look who's back. Look who's back.

Whatever happened to that, uh, Strangers on a Train shit?

Didn't work out. We need your help.

One of our intended victims killed the other intended victim.

Shut the fuck up. It's gone bad.

You guys are some fucking evil geniuses.

Thank you, but we had nothing to do with it. We don't know why it happened.

The cops bring us in as suspects.

Kurt's DNA's all over the apartment because he shoved a toothbrush up his ass.

That's not the point. I'm giving him the whole story.

I got you. First thing first, we gotta handle business.

Mm-hm.

I need $5000. There's gonna be no more money.

Two thousand? Absolutely not.

No way, Motherfucker. No.

All right, look, pay for my drinks.

Pay for his drink. I'll do that.

Not a very good negotiator.

The guy that killed the other guy, are the cops after him?

No, no, they don't suspect him.

Then this is what you need to do:

Get him to confess to the murder while you're wearing a wire.

A wire? We can do that. That's easy.

That how they got you when you murdered somebody?

I ain't never murder nobody. I'm sorry?

I never murdered anybody.

Wait, no. You said you did a dime for some pretty nasty shit.

It was some nasty shit, but does that mean I murdered somebody?

You implied it. You didn't murder someone, what'd you do?

All right, listen, get in here.

You guys ever see the movie Snow Falling on Cedars?

No.

Never seen that. I love that movie.

What happened was is that I took a video camera into the movie and I bootleg it.

They was waiting right outside the exit. They got me.

You did 10 years for video piracy? Yeah.

They take that shit so serious, man. Not that seriously.

We've been taking murder advice...

...from some guy whose biggest crime is taping an Ethan Hawke movie.

So you do know the movie. I know who's in it.

Everyone knows the movie. That's not the point. You tricked us, Motherfuck...

Hang on a second, something doesn't stack up quite right with this, all right?

So you just call yourself a video pirate, right? Pirating the high seas of videocy?

Why do you carry a gun on you, Mr. Video Pirate?

A gun? Yeah.

I don't wanna see it. It's my cell phone.

It's a Sidekick. I'm gonna be in the car. Oh, shit.

You grab at it like a gun and you confuse people. Goddamn it, I feel like a moron.

Let's go. You are a moron.

Look, you don't go into a bar and hand a guy $5000 just because he black.

It was never a black-white thing. No, come on.

Let's go. Come on. Dale.

Y'all motherfuckers crazy.

Okay.

Looks pretty quiet, yeah?

Yeah, it does. Okay, tape recorder's ready to roll, I got some fresh batteries in here.

It was a pretty big investment so I should be the one who does the tape-recording.

No way. No, I'll do it. You're gonna do it?

You'll have to duct-tape that to your chest.

I can't tape this to my chest. I have hair on chest.

Just put it in your pocket. Not gonna tape it to his chest.

So, what do we do? Wait for him to come home, we grab a office chair or something?

One of us gets in the chair, spins around and dramatically confronts him.

I'm in the chair. Nick's in the chair.

Why are you in the chair? He's my boss.

Maybe we should get three chairs and all spin around at the same time.

Confront him like that.

That's not intimidating, that's like a musical number.

Watch out for the cat.

Surprise!

Okay. It's a false alarm. Just mingle, mingle, mingle.

Hi. Who are you?

Come inside. Close that door. Hurry.

Um, okay. Now, wait a minute.

You're the young man who helped Dave out on the street the other night.

That's him. Yeah, that's who I am.

How is he? He is great, thanks to you. Thank you.

Did I invite you? You did and you didn't.

I work with your husband. We're late.

These are my plus-twos. He's in the garage.

Oh, we should hide. Everybody, come on in.

Someone get the lights. Get down, get down, get down.

I'm Kurt, by the way. I didn't get a chance to introduce myself at the door.

Oh, hey, Rhonda. Hi. Hi. Hi, Rhonda. Very nice to meet you.

Nick didn't tell me his boss was married to a model.

Ha, ha. Yeah, not a model.

When did you quit?

Surprise!

Goddamn it! God, I hate that!

We got you, huh, honey?

So you were surprised? Yeah.

Look, sweetie, everybody's here.

I'm gonna put my stuff down.

She knows I hate surprises.

I think we got him. Ha, ha. We got him good.

Okay.

He's gone off on his own. This is our chance.

You guys ready? Yeah, very ready.

Stay close, okay? Mm-hm.

Let's do it. Let's do it.

Harken.

I cannot believe my wife invited you.

What are you doing here? Come to stab me a few more times?

We know what you did. Well, what does that mean?

We were there. We saw you kill him.

Really?

So, what is this, then? Your little shakedown?

You think that you can blackmail me...

...because you saw me kill my wife's lover?

Say his name!

What?

The man you killed, you say his name.

Pellit? Trust me, Pellit's name means nothing anymore.

There it is. Thank you. Let's do it, guys.

Yeah, that's right. Hang on. Where the fuck is Kurt?

I killed Pellit.

Hold that thought, I'm missing my friend Kurt.

I walked right up to his door, I put a gun in his chest and I shot him.

Then you know what? You know what I did after that? I shot him again.

And let me tell you something.

I liked it.

So if you think that I'm some sort of pussy...

...who won't do exactly the same thing to a couple of lame-assed blackmailers...

...think again.

Know who thinks you're a pussy? My friend Kurt. Let me grab him.

You are pathetic, Hendricks.

You walk into my house on my goddamn birthday and pull this shit.

Well, let me tell you something.

You're dead.

You and you.

And...? Kurt.

Kurt. Dead men.

I didn't know it was your birthday. What's he doing?

What do you got? Getting my gun. Only take a second.

I'll get the car. I'll go.

We had him, we had the whole goddamn thing. What the fuck happened to Kurt?

Hey! There you are.

Where were you?

My, uh, stomach was bothering me. Had to use the bathroom.

He confessed everything, now he's getting his gun.

Kurt, what happened there? Oh, uh...

...she was giving me a tour of the mouth... House.

Ow! What are you...? Get in the car. Right now.

Knock it off. Come on.

Look, I wasn't thinking, okay? I'm sorry.

She's just very hot. And I'm weak. I'm a weak, weak man, okay?

I admit it.

Back it up, back it up. Oh, shit. Oh, shit.

They found my DNA. Back it up.

Go backwards. Go backwards. See? They found your poop brush.

You are obsessed with your asshole! No, I'm not. It was a prank, Dale.

Shut it down. Let's start talking about where we're gonna live.

The current situation won't work. There'll be cops everywhere.

You talking about fleeing?

Damn right. I'm talking about Canada or Mexico.

I can't live in Mexico. I mean, I can't handle the food.

My digestion alone... I'll probably die.

You'd rather be in jail the rest of your life? Shut the fuck up.

I'm getting a call. I gotta get this. Hello?

Hello, lover.

Uh, look, Julia, now's not a good time to talk.

Hey, I'm not here. That's okay.

I actually meant to call your home phone.

You know, tell Stacy about us.

No, don't do that. Wait. Wait. We'll learn the metric system.

We gotta buy coats and sweaters and learn hockey and all that shit.

No, I think I've waited long enough, Dale.

I'm sort of tired of you toying with my emotions.

I'm not playing with you.

I'm not toying with you. I'm gonna take care of it. I'm gonna take care of it.

Wait, wait, wait. What are you gonna do to me?

I'm gonna have sex with you. What?

I want you to give me details, you pussy.

And please be explicit.

Details? I'm in a car with people. Now is not a good time for details.

I don't care if it's not a great time. Okay, fine.

I'm gonna make you feel good. You know?

With my fingers and my tongue and whatnot.

I know you can do better than that.

All right, I'm gonna put my penis in your pussy, Julia.

Oh, boy, that's gonna get me done.

What the fuck was that?

What the fuck? That's Harken. Lose him.

Oh, my God! Get out of here.

Look, careful.

Hey, are you gonna slap me in the face with your cock, Dale?

Yes, I'll slap you in the face with my cock!

This guy's fucking crazy. Slap you all over your face with my cock!

Don't get in a wreck. It's go time.

Okay. More, Dale.

I will go up and down on you...

...and I'll rub my naked butt against your naked butt...

...until it's raw and red...

...and we're both really chafed up real bad.

Not good. Get us out of here! Get us out of here!

I got it, I got it.

Come on. I'll spit on your arms and stuff.

What else? And then I'm gonna...

...jam my skull into the crack of your ass!

Yeah, baby. In the crack of your ass.

And I'll dance on your boobies, and I'll jump up and down on your butt.

Ah. I'll see you Friday, dirty bird.

Good. Friday. See you Friday.

Nice job fucking the crazy out of her, Kurt!

Maybe I should have been dancing on her boobs, huh?

Maybe you should have.

That was very good driving, by the way.

Thank you very much.

Good evening, Mr. Buckman. Yeah, hey, Gregory. How are you?

Our onboard sensors report you've had a collision.

That's because we have a crazy man that hit us.

I will alert the authorities and direct them to your location.

Don't call the cops. They're already after us.

No, Gregory, they think we murdered someone, all right? Do not call the cops.

What's going on? Why you slowing down, Kurt?

Whoa. Oh, no, no, no. I didn't do that. No, the engine died.

I remotely disabled your engine. What?

It is standard Nav Guide protocol...

...whenever a driver has committed a crime.

I pay 19 bucks a month for this fucking service.

Remain with your vehicle. The police will be arriving shortly.

Gregory, I thought you were our fucking friend, man!

Get out of the car, all of you. Come on. Come on.

Remember I saved your life that one time? Shut up.

Just take it easy with that... Shut up.

I got six bullets in this gun.

Which means I can shoot all of you twice, just like that bastard Pellit...

...if I really wanted to, but I'm not gonna.

You're not gonna shoot us twice or not gonna shoot us?

Shut up.

I got a better idea. I'm gonna tell the cops that you killed Pellit.

And when I found out, you tried to kill me to shut me up.

That's crazy. Is it?

Because I don't see one shred of evidence that proves that I shot Pellit.

And besides, I'm the guy with the bullet in his leg.

What?

God, that hurts so much.

Son of a bitch.

Catch! No, don't ca...!

Goddamn it, Dale. You see?

You can't win a marathon without putting some Band-Aids on your nipples.

What does that mean? Watch this.

Everybody freeze! Police!

Drop the gun! On your knees!

Thank God. Officers, thank God you're here.

These guys, they shot me.

That's not true! That's bullshit!

I found out they murdered someone. They tried to shut me up.

Please protect me from them. I have a wife and a cat!

All right, take it easy. Call for an ambulance.

Hey, what is this? It's nothing. It's just a tape recorder.

Oh, shit! It's a tape recorder!

A tape recorder. Did you turn that off? No, it's been recording!

So listen to us, officer. Hands up!

Listen to us for one second. He confessed to killing Pellit.

He said he shot him twice...

...and he was gonna shoot us once or twice. He was unclear about that.

You are insane. Just play the tape.

But all those people are just right outside.

Your balls are so smooth.

Wait a minute. Is that my wife?

No, no. Of course not, no. Let's move past that.

...jam my skull into the crack of your ass!

I'll dance on your boobies, and jump up and down on your butt.

What the fuck is this?

Don't judge. I have a thing with my boss. It's none of your business.

If you could get to the end...?

There's nothing on here.

Shit! What happened?

Thing must have stopped when we crashed.

Before this guy supposedly confessed?

I told you, these guys are liars. They cannot be trusted.

They shot me in the leg, killed a guy.

He shot himself. I don't need to hear anything else.

Cuff them. Oh, my God.

You don't need to cuff us. My God, we're going to jail.

We're going to jail. Unbelievable.

It hurts. It hurts so much.

Excuse me? Officers?

I should mention that it is Nav Guide policy...

...to record all conversations for quality assurance.

Who the hell's that? That's our Nav Guide rep.

His name is Almonan. Hands up!

Atmanad. Almondmond.

Atmanad is what it was! Atmanand.

Atmand... Gregory, uh, play what he said.

Play it just after the crash. Very good, sir.

You're not gonna listen to this. This isn't evidence.

I got six bullets in this gun.

Which means I can shoot all of you twice, just like that bastard Pellit...

...if I really wanted to, but I'm not gonna.

That's it. So it was you.

That is not proof. That's just a car. You're not gonna listen to a car.

Looks like I'm getting that promotion after all. Yeah.

To answer your question, that was your wife.

You fucked my wife? I fucked your wife.

Nobody fucks my wife!

Ah.

How you like them nipples?

Did you just do the catchphrase?

Good Will Hunting. Good Will Hunting.

That's so great. Caught it, yeah.

Good Will Hunting rip. Instead of saying "apples" he said "nipples. "

Felt like a moment. And happy birthday.

So in the end, we didn't wind up going to jail.

Actually, we did later that night when they booked us.

But since we led the cops to Harken...

...they ultimately agreed to let our other offenses slide.

Strangely enough, lucky for Kurt...

...there's no laws on the books against putting people's toiletries up your ass.

Anyway, with Harken in his new position...

...on all fours in prison for 25 to life, Comnidyne made me acting president.

It's a great job, I got a solid raise and I'm actually my own boss.

Well, except for the CEO.

Morning. Oh, morning. You, uh, must be Nick.

I am. Well, it's great to finally meet you.

You too, Mr. Sherman. Please. Lou.

Okay. Lou.

I appreciate the opportunity you've given me. I won't let you down.

Yeah, I'm sure you won't, son.

From what I hear, people say he's the nicest guy in the world.

Mr. Sherman, I'm sorry your coffee was cold.

Uh, Lou?

Most people.

Mr. Sherman, I'm hungry!

Can I come out now, please?

You hear that? No.

Sounds like there's someone in your trunk.

Why don't we let this be, uh, our little secret?

I need a shower.

Yeah. Turns out my new boss...

...is a twisted old fuck.

Meanwhile, the Pellit family put the most senior person in charge of the company...

...which wasn't Kurt. But he was okay with that.

Because he realized that when you're the boss, sometimes people want you dead.

Hey, Kurt. Come in. Margie, I wanted to congratulate you.

Thank you.

If there's anything I can do to help out before the baby gets here, let me know.

What baby? Your baby.

I'm not pregnant. So I'm just touching you?

Ay.

Julia.

I was thinking perhaps we could drill the patient first.

And Dale?

Ultimately, he decided his only choice was to screw Julia after all.

You just continue to surprise me...

...you dirty, dirty little man.

Just you wait.

You like that, Dale?

You like that, Dale? Oh, my God, yeah.

Oh.

Oh, gosh, do I wish I could have sex with Julia.

What?

I'm so sorry, but I couldn't keep it together! It's amazing!

She was talking to your penis! Who are you?

Julia, this is my good friend, Kenny Sommerfeld.

Most Likely to Succeed.

Give me some of that. Don't you touch me.

Now, Kenny here, he'll do just about anything for 50 bucks.

Yeah, it's true. Yeah, and it's not pretty.

But that's why I asked him to help me frame you.

Really? Is this all you've got? Your word against mine?

Don't forget about that guy.

Say hi to my cameraman. He's filmed a lot of Hollywood hits.

You are a sick little bastard.

You are a sick little bastard.

Shut the fuck up for a second.

Julia, shut the fuck up for a second, all right?

Now, here's what's gonna happen, okay?

I'm going to take a very nice, very expensive two-week vacation with my fiancée.

Let's call it a honeymoon, all right? And you are gonna pay for it.

Then I'm going to return to a rape-free workplace, all right?

Because if you so much as look at my sexy little ass, Julia...

...I will have yours locked the fuck up...

...you crazy bitch whore!

Ah, that felt good.

How's the hair? Is it good, is it great? It's not as bad as his, is it?

I had no idea that you called your grandmother "Gam Gam. "

Calm down!

Oh!

Holy shit. He went out the door.

This place is awful. It's like The Sharper Image took a shit in here.

Five. Forty, with the briefcase.

Oh, shut up about the briefcase.

Gonna put that "briefcabe" up my ass.

I'm gonna put that briefcase up my ass!

A dancin' girl You're good? He's good. Yeah, I'm okay.

Or else little Stacy here's gonna get a little peek...

...at my photo album.

One more. Let's fix this.

Have you ever in your life seen this much co...?

Pee, pee, pee, pee on the...

Let's...

Now I'm sneezing dust bunnies. Is that diabetes?

I'm a pharmacist, not a doctor.

Is that my brain? Take my temperature.

Have you any, uh, roofies?

I want a lollipop. Do you like karaoke?

Do you have MDMA? I'll suck your d...

Shit happens.

What is your projected outside date of completion, Motherfucker?

Give me that again.

Oh, hi! Hi! Hello. Hi.

Come on, what are you...?

Wouldn't mind bending her over a barrel and showing her the 50 states.

I don't know what that means.

It's a phrase. I don't think so.

Yeah, it is. It certainly is. Yeah, it definitely is.

Really? Yeah, it's from a movie.

Uh-uh.

It is now.

Beautiful.