Hot Tub Time Machine 2 (2015) Script




LOU: Whose fucking phone is on?

MAN: Uh, we're going to just touch you up.

Okay, Mr. Dorchen? Hey.

Do I need nipple rouge?

MAN: Uh, can we get... I don't, uh...

Do I need any nipple rouge?

MAN: Yeah. Touch up his nipples, please.


What kind of brush is that? Is that rabbit fur?

NARRATOR: Lou Dorchen, the legendary lead singer of metal supergroup Motley Lue, who burst onto the world stage out of nowhere to become the very definition of a rock god.

Livin' the dream with high school sweetheart Kelly Dorchen.

So how did the ultimate party animal get the inspiration to build the most innovative, forward-thinking tech company in the world?

I don't have to tell you where I got my inspiration from, first of all.

Because that's called "intellectual property" and I can copyright that shit.

Just like I copyrighted the word "well," so you can't even say "well" without paying me money.

MAN: Uh, well, um... You owe me money.

NARRATOR: Lou Dorchen's best friend is yet another American success story, music mogul Nick Webber.

Ever since I wrote Let's Get It Started back in'86, I've been on a roll.

Uh, MMM Bop, triple platinum.

A lot of stations still playin' Gin and Juicey Juice.

You Oughta Know. Feelin' Like Teen Spirit.

I guess you could say I take from a lot of artists.

Take my inspiration from a lot of artists.

I don't...

I don't take their stuff.

That's... Who would do that?

Yeah. Ask me anything. MAN: Okay. (CLEARS THROAT)

How's your relationship with your father?

I don't want to talk about that.

NARRATOR: Still struggling to find his own place in the world, Jacob Dorchen comments on his father's game-changing innovation.

He didn't invent Goo... Lougle.

He couldn't invent his way out of a fucking paper bag.

And that's... That's not a turn of phrase, that's anecdotal evidence.

He got caught in a giant paper bag a couple weeks ago.

Adam... Adam Yates. Yes, he rounds out our Three Musketeer posse.

He made it real big with his bestselling novel, Jacuzzi Timelord.

But Adam, he's, uh... He's off on an experiential journey.

I got a feeling we'll see him again.

I got a feeling.


Just came to me.

NARRATOR: One fateful ski trip in 1986 seemed to kick-start their lives into high gear.

But what was it like to grow up alongside these future stars?

We turned to high school pal, Gary Winkle.

I bet you guys didn't know that I was supposed to go on that trip, huh?

I stood outside all day... (WHIMPERS)

...but they never showed. Left me hanging.

You know what I got that weekend?

Chlamydia from the batting cages.

My best buddies go up the mountain as regular Joes.

Come down fucking rich. I mean, how did that happen?

I mean, at the end of the day, I'm just a simple guy like you who had a couple of great ideas that happen to make him a bunch of money. That's it.

I mean, how was I supposed to know that it would change the fabric of our existence? I couldn't.

You know, I couldn't, unless I had some sort of...



Cut! Let's reset. Do it again.

One word, Nick. Fucking amazing...

Don't fuck with my groove, Terry.

JACOB: Hey, Nick. Youngblood.

Rip off any pop stars lately? (FAKE LAUGH)

For your information, today I recorded an original piece.


Okay, it was that Lisa Loeb song.

Well, as much of it as I could remember.

The lyrics I made up were original.

Listen, Nick, I get it. You don't have any natural talent.

All I know is that hot tub made me a king.

It's my duty to live up to the throne.

All right, I can't see you right now, but I'm gonna assume you're putting "king" and "throne" in quotes.

What do you want?

Hey, Nick, I'm sorry. I'm not trying to be a dick.

Are you coming to Lou's party?

I gotta talk to Courtney. I'm... I don't know.

How is Courtney? You know.

Oh, really? Still fighting, huh?

Why don't you just write her a Josh Groban song?




(SNORTING) Oh, shit!


Fuck me! (COCKS GUN)

Oh, God! Oh, my God!

Don't fucking sneak up on me like that, huh?

Knock on something.

You took most of the doors out and put beads up, Lou.

What am I supposed to fucking knock on?

What do you want?

Put it down! What do you want, a round of applause?

"Thank you, Jacob, for making sure we don't starve to death.

"Even though this is completely ridiculous

"and inappropriate, what we're doing." You're welcome, Mom and Dad.

I'm just happy that you guys are happy.

The fuck are you still doing here?

Today's my birthday, by the way.

Happy Birthday!

Oh, thanks, Mom. Yeah, yeah, yeah!

I got you... I got you something. It'll be here tomorrow via FedEx.


Daddy's little buddy is turning into Daddy's big buddy.

I'm going to help you out. It's not really my birthday.

Do you know what day it is?

Mmm... (POPS)


Enjoy your shit.

The sooner you choke to death on it, the sooner I get all this.

Any other questions, or is this interview over?

Don't let the lack of a door hit you on the way out.

(SIGHS) He just gets me so mad.

So, who is he?

That's my butler.

And our son, consequently.

Oh, my God, right.

Lisa Loeb?

Oh, my God. I can't believe Nick Webber knows the name of the cat wrangler.

Yeah. Crazy, right?

You know, I just have to tell you, I really love this song so much.

It feels so personal. Mmm.

It's almost... Violating.

(SOFTLY) I'm so sorry.

LOU: Yeah!

Nailed it!

All rise!

Penis Court is now in session!

The honorable Judge Lou Dorchen presiding.

Uh, Mr. Dorchen, could we get this board meeting started?

Yeah. Brad, do your thing.

Ladies and gentlemen, Lougle is at a crossroads. Whoo!

We did it, guys! We got to the crossroads!

Our competitors, Lycos and GeoCities, are crushing us.

Those guys are fucking nerds, Brad.

(CHUCKLES) What about Yahoo, huh? Where are they?

Yahoo? What's Yahoo?


As your head of R&D, I have to tell you that Lougle cannot continue down this path.

Well, that's why I moved us to New Orleans, Brad, the Silicon Valley of the South.



Oh, shit! Shit! Susan, look, turn around.

Turn around, right now! Susan, quick, quick, quick!

I'm not going to look, Lou.

Susan, I promise it's not a dick and balls this time.

I swear to God. Look, look, look!

Dick and balls! You looked at a dick and balls!

I burned you.


I can't believe I let you talk me into joining this sinking ship.

I was one of Engineering Quarterly's "30 Under 30."


I was on track to be "20 Under 40," but now I'm "Zero Under Fuck Me"!

You fucked me, Lou.

You fucked my whole life.

My brother works at the NSA and I work for a madman.

Mad Man is a great show.

Sometimes I wish I could just...

Okay, okay. Looks like you're hungry for an idea.

So why doesn't Uncle Lou give you guys a little taste, huh?

If you combine the right amounts of nitrotrinadium with specifically heated water in a specialized basin, you get the elements necessary for time travel!


Boom! Shotgun to the dick! (GRUNTS)

I'm gonna be in the lab, trying to save this company.



Why are all these people here? Are we having another seance?


Every day's a seance, baby. Every day's a seance.

I fucking hate you so much, Lou.

I fucking hate you, too, baby.

Courtney, it's not a big deal.

Well, maybe it's not a big deal to you, but she's my only sister, and we never go visit her.

It's the Grammys. It's always the Grammys.

It's not always the Grammys. Sometimes it's the Grammys.

Oh, wow. Look at you.

Every fucking year, Lou?

Hey, enough with this dad stuff. Call me Lou.

Why do I have to pretend to be your butler?

You are my butler.

No, Lou, just 'cause my room's near the bar and I'm good at receiving guests and...

Holy fuck, I'm your butler.

Wait... Hey, hey, Lou, what do you think about, maybe this summer, you know, I come work with you at Lougle?

Listen, this is what I'll do for you, okay?

If we ever come up with a division where you sit on the couch and masturbate while playing video games, I'll get you an interview.

You started an interactive porno division.

We have that. Even that retarded Venn diagram you just mentioned, it exists.

Listen, you are a key part of this operation, Jacob.


You're my chief mixologist!



I love you, buddy.

Hey, Courtney. Your tits look fantastic!

Eat shit, Lou.


(SIGHS) She's one of the good ones, man.

Come on. Let's get a drink.


Jeez. The place is like a deathtrap, huh?

Just lousy with statues, and the...

Not a lot of coats, right? Not a lot of coats.

Can I take your jacket?

Oh, no, no, no. I'm actually kind of "on the job" tonight.

It's my dad's party, he runs Lougle.

What do you do?

(STAMMERS) You know, I'm just kind of a Jack-of-all-trades.

So you're the butler. No! (SCOFFS)

Come on. Do I look like a butler to you?

You look exactly like a butler.

Goddamn, it's good to see you, man.

You, too, buddy.

Man. That tub, huh?

Really turned it all around.

It's the best thing that ever happened to me.

You ever wish we could go back for one more dip?

You know, tweak some things?

Use time travel for more important reasons.

Too bad the tub is gone.


Too bad.

Oh, fuck.


What the fuck? Lou...

Nick-nack-paddywhack! Give a dog a what?

Gary Winkle.

Look at this. Look, Lou spilled his drink on me so I don't have to talk to you.

Good looking out.

Okay, just laying it all out there.

Where are me and you right now on a scale of, like, "dinner and a movie" to "tropical sex vacation"?

We're on the "It's never, ever going to happen" part of the scale.

So, like a four. One and a half.

Mmm-hmm. (GULPS) Minus the half.

What are you selling, Gary?

What? No love for Gary Winkle?

Okay, but it is a sound investment this time.

I'm telling you, man.

No, no, no. Wait, wait, wait.

It is only 12 blocks from the river.

Pristine lot. You can build an office tower, nightclub, combo, whatever the fuck.

I don't care.

Okay, I get it, man, I get it. I get it. I'm a loser.

Okay, I'm always going to be a loser. I'm not like you guys.

I didn't magically turn it all around after that ski trip.

All I got is this piece of land, and I know it's a piece of shit, okay?

But it's... It can be our piece of shit.

Not interested. Pass.

BRUCE BUFFER: We are live!

Coming to you from the heart of the Bayou.

At the height of his career, worth 2.3 billion dollars, introducing Lou "the Violator"




We've grown quite a bit over the years, haven't we?

Some of us have achieved our dreams.

Others have found new dreams to chase.

You know, I bet...

I bet there's not a person in this room who, given the chance to do it all over again, would do it any differently. Am I right?

Am I right? (ALL AGREEING)

Hmm. And if you believe that...

If you truly believe that in your heart of hearts, well, then, (SCOFFS) you're all a bunch of fucking morons!


Life is about do-overs, okay?

And if you see your second chance peeking its dick around a corner, snatch it!

Grab it! Take my advice.

Look at the people you love most in this world, then you tell them to go fuck themselves.

Because life is about number one.

Numero Lou-no!


So come on, it's a party, right?

Let's all get nude and fuck!





MAN: Move!

About time someone manned up and shot the bastard.

Holy shit, he's been shot. In the dick!

Shit! It's bad! Somebody call an ambulance!

LOU: Nick. Yeah, buddy.

You got your hand on my penis!

I'm applying direct pressure!

You don't have to touch it that hard.

My hand is acting as a tourniquet!

You work his dick. Whatever.

No, no! Lou, Lou! Stay with me!

Stay with me. Look at me. Look at me.

Who shot you?


Chux... Zedo.

Chuck Zito? That motherfucker!

I think he's saying "tuxedo". Tuxedo?

(GROANS) God, it hurts so bad.

Who the fuck's wearing a tuxedo?


What? What?

Okay, first of all, this isn't a tuxedo, this is a morning suit. It's way more casual.


Don't you watch Downton Abbey?

I was standing right there beside you! I didn't fuckin' shoot him!

I want my dick back!

Lou's gonna fuckin' die! He's out of time!

No, he's not.

We'll give him more time.

What? Grab his arms.

Oh, God, I take it back! I take it back!

I don't want a shotgun to the dick! It hurts so much!

Oh, God! Oh, God!

What the fuck are you doing? Hang on. Trust me.




Holy shit.

JACOB: I know, right? NICK: How?

He stole it.

I stole time! I stole the whole ski lodge!

Check it out. Pure nitrotrinadium.

Lou got it from the Russians.

He told them he's gonna build them a bomb.

NICK: Classic Lou.

Yeah. They've never seen Back to the Future.

All right. Everybody, get in.

A little help here.

JACOB: Come on, Lou, you got to earn it.

Adam's trench coat?

What the fuck is this? ls Adam here?

NICK: Stay with me, Violator.

Where's my hair? It's where my power lies.

JACOB: Fuck your fucking wig.

We gotta go back in time and stop the killer before he shoots Lou.



It's how it works.

We get blackout drunk, we hallucinate, we wake up back in time.

Don't mess with a winning formula, huh?

Don't be a fuckin' pussy!


Guys, I feel fucking great! I think it worked.



JACOB: Lou's not breathing. NICK: I think he's gone.

Nick, Nick, Nick! Help, help, help!

NICK: Oh, shit.

Lou, Lou. Lou. Lou!

Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck.

I guess we were too late.

Life is fucking weird, you know?

I spent so much time hating him.

And now that he's gone, I can't help but feel...


No. Not love. Don't be stupid.


No, that's still way too strong a word.


I mean, there's nothing admirable about him.

Well, I mean, he's your dad. Honor, maybe?

Not honor. I mean, that falls kind of with respect and admiration.

Maybe just kind of a... Just a general sense of...

Missing, you miss him.

Yeah, I miss him. Oh, you miss him. Yeah, yeah.

I motherfucking miss him.

What're you doing? You up in heaven? Raping angels?

Good for you, buddy.



Oh, God. What the fuck?

I saw this on C. S.I.

The bowels evacuate when the body dies. Oh.

That smells like hatred.

This is gonna get worse before it gets better.

My dick! My dick! (BOTH YELLING)

It worked! Holy shit! Wait, look!

Look, look!

That's a good-looking dick to me!


My dick is back!

How far back did we go?

I don't know.

We put a big dryer in so we don't have to time travel naked.

This is different.

LOU: It's like a Scandinavian gay bar.

Looks like a Miami IKEA.

Dude, it looks amazing.

I mean, look how classy it is. It's like a museum.




Who is this?

I think it's Jacob. (GASPS)

Why am I bald?

What did you do?

I didn't... I didn't d0 that.

You look like a pedophile dressed you.

You look like a Jewish Jason Statham.

You look like Michael Chiklis fucked Big Daddy Warbucks, who fucked Lex Luthor.

That's what it is.

And... And... Who's the little doggie?

What's he do... What's he just doing there like this?

Why aren't you fucking that doggie?

Why would I be fucking the dog?

BOTH: Power over nature.

SOPHIE: Hey, you.

Is that the coat-check girl?


Hey, how are you?

I didn't know you had company.

Yeah... Hey, Nick.


What's he doing here?

This is my house.

Think that'll hold you till later?

Yeah, I'm sure.

Bye, Nick. Bye.

See you at the club? Right.

That coat-check girl is rude.

I like her.

I think it's pretty obvious what's going on here, right.


Alternate universe. Like Fringe.

BOTH: (SINGING) Nerd You're a fucking nerd Nerd You're a fucking nerd Nerd And no one likes you Poindexter No one likes you FEMALE AUTOMATED VOICE: Media preferences, Mr. Dorchen?


Media preferences, Mr. Dorchen?

Duck Dynasty?

Media preferences, Mr. Dorchen?

Duck Fucking Dynasty!

Just try "the news."

News selected. Thank you, Mr. Dorchen.

MALE ANNOUNCER 1: Tune in tomorrow for the challenge round.

Eat a boot? Eat your feelings. Choozy Doozy.

I think I may be Mr. Dorchen.

What? No. I think this is my house.

No way. I think he's right, Lou.

That's impossible. You heard it.

It just answered me. Uh-uh!

MALE ANNOUNCER 2: March 26, 2025.

From Comedy Central's World News headquarters in New, this is The Daily Show with Jessica Williams.



Hey! Welcome to The Daily Show. I'm Jessica Williams.

Tonight's guest, Dame Jennifer Lawrence promoting her Meryl Streep biopic, Streepin' It Real.

Hey, how do they get the people to be on this show?

So, by now you've all seen the NSA satellite footage of the road rage incident between two self-driving smart cars in New Detroit.

President Neil Patrick Harris has called for greater regulation of the industry, while congressional Republicans defend every sentient automobile's constitutional right to shoot a black car if it's actin' funny.


This show's still got it.

Holy shit. We went 10 years into the future.


I'm distinguished.

Oh, I should shave this, right?

Yeah, that's not a good look.

This is so smooth, I don't think I went bald.

I think this is a choice, like Andre Agassi or Bruce Willis or something.

You don't look anything like either of those two people.

For one, they're fit and handsome and you're neither of those things.

You look like a turtle crawled out of his shell.

Fuck you for making me bald.

You look like an orchestra conductor for stray cats.

You look like you give lectures on public access.

You look like a grown-up Gerber baby.

LOU: You look like an egg gave birth to another egg.

You look like Gandalf the Poor.


You look like you advise Lando Calrissian.

That's a good one.

You look like the guy that owns the one house that ruins the whole street.

Have I bombed anything, you think?

You look like you've never made a correct decision.

Even I have definitely given a back-alley blowjob.

I gotta admit I kinda like this.

I want to hit you into the corner pocket.

Now I know why the coat-check girl didn't like me.

I look like fucking shit.

So far so good on this future shit, huh?

Yeah. You know what?

I don't feel like anything bad's going to happen.


Hey, check it out. I found all the gear from the painting.

Cool, huh? Whoa.


What happened to the bottom of your suit?

That pesky little doggie eat it?

It's called fashion, Lou.

You look like...

Nope, not doing anymore "You look like."

But you look like...

I don't give a shit. We did it on the stairs.

We did it in front of the mirror.

It'd be tacky to do it a third time.

Anyway, do you guys want some fresh clothes?

I got a whole closet full of stuff.

I love this shirt. My shit is fly.

Weren't you listening to my speech, dude?

Always pack a bag.

Hey, is that...

No. It is not. How did you get that?

I didn't get... I know what it...

I saw what it said.

It doesn't say anything!

Was that the Cincinnati box?


Don't say that out loud. It might hear you.

You're really never going to tell me what's inside that box?

Okay, we'll tell you. We'll tell him.

I'm going to tell him. NICK: Lou.

It's the Declaration of Independence with a map on the back.

Our family's chosen. Yep.

That's just the plot of that movie National Treasure.

It's the Ark of the Covenant.

That's Raiders of the Lost Ark. You're not even tryin'.

I mean, that's not even anything that could be in the box.

Okay, this has gone on long enough.


It's a ring that turns you invisible and carries with it the power of evil.

I've seen fucking movies, you guys! I've seen movies!

Wait, why are you alive?


Why are you alive? We're in the future.

Yeah, you know what? He's right.

'Cause if we went back in time, you'd be alive.

But we went 10 years in the fuckin' future.

You should be dead.

Yeah, what the fuck?

What you should be asking yourselves is, "When the fuck?" (ALL GASPING)

God damn it!

This fucking guy again!

Why do you do that?

LOU: He's not going to tell us anything.

Hey, why don't you make like a fuck off and get out of here?

Wait. So all we have to do is go back and Lou's gonna be okay, right?

It's not that simple, really.

The hot tub doesn't take you where you want to go.

It takes you where you need to go.

Come on!

There are certain calculations and innovations and salutations that haven't even come to pass yet.

What the hell does that mean?

What it means is, at the present, your tub here is just a tub.

Wait, are you saying that time travel is not even possible?

Right on, Liz. Give the pretty lady a flower.

Damn it. Lizzie.

That's bullshit, okay?

We got a whole vault of nitro right here. (GASPS)

Where'd it go? Where did it go?

What did you do with my nitro?

How can I take what doesn't exist yet?

It exists in the past. How can it not exist in the future?

The past, the future. All very cute.

But who's to say the past isn't anything more than the future of this present?

So, nitro is from the future?


Like Terminator.

Yeah. Oh! Oh, my God.

You think everything is like Terminator.

'Cause everything is like Terminator!

Arnold's hand gets chopped off in the past, somebody finds it, reverse engineers that shit. Boom!

Terminators running all around this motherfucker.

That's how we got nitro?

I don't know. I never saw Terminator.

Oh, fuck this guy and his riddles!


Thanks for holding him down for me!

"Hold him down"?

So you can beat to death the mystical time baron that holds the keys to our very existence?

That's your fucking plan here?

(SCOFFS) Shut up.

Tighten your shit up, Lou. We needed him.

Amateur hour.

This thing is awesome.

I probably invented it.

"Lou Sux

"Cox N Dix." Flip it. (LAUGHS)


Try to stay with me.

This is going to get complicated.

This is time.


And you're dead.

So Lou is killed in our present, which means that here, in the future, he should still be dead.

Well, clearly, he's not fuckin' dead, 'cause he's sittin' here, still bothering me.

So what that tells me is we're in a completely different future on a completely different timeline.

Jacob, I'm the Sarlacc.


JACOB: Okay.

Anyway, the Repairman said that the past is actually the future of the present we're in right now.

So I think what that means is the killer is from the future.

So clearly, someone from 2025 will go back in time and shoot Lou.

Like Looper.


How about a fucking spoiler alert?

"Hey, Lou, you want to go see Looper?"

"Nah, I got a thing I gotta do."

It's in my queue! That counts.

It's the first Bruce Willis movie we missed.

Is Bruce in that? JACOB: Okay.

Plainly, just by virtue of Lou being here alive in 2025 when we know that he died in 2015, we're here to stop his future murder.

Which happens in the past. Exactly.

I get this shit.

I'm bored by this shit.

Let's go check out the future strip club situation.

High five.

Did you just say "high five" instead of high-fiving?

High five. High five.

That is the laziest thing I've ever heard.

High five.

You don't have the energy for this?

No, no. You guys, we can't just fuck around.

We got to find your murderer.

Or we don't have to do any of that and we go check out a strip club.



You flickered. Ah, you're flickering.

I flickered... Why am I flickering?

By threatening your own existence.

Have you listened to anything I've been saying?

I have not listened to any of it.

(SIGHS) God, okay, fine! Fine.

We'll solve my stupid murder, which hasn't happened yet.

Or we can just go to a strip club. (GASPS)


All right, fine! The fucking murder thing.



Huh. Nothing's really changed.

You'd figure after 10 years, something would be different, right?


That's some sexy-ass future shit right there.

Do you or someone you love have a problem with heroin, speed, ice... Yes. Yeah.

...smack, whack, jack... Uh-huh. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

...Al Michaels' Revenge or cocaine?

First order of business, we get ourselves some Al Michaels' Revenge, right?

We can help put the "U" back in "Reuvenate."

We're still demonizing addiction, huh? Like it's some kind of sickness.

I cannot wait for you to hit rock bottom.

(LAUGHS) Yeah! Yeah.

Who in the future would want to kill you, Lou?

I don't know.

The only person who's ever had any motivation to kill me has been me.

I treat everyone with the utmost respect and kindness.

Lou, you tried to push me down the stairs last week.

As a joke! (SCOFFS)

Oh, my God, it's you.

Jacob is the murderer.

I'm not the murderer. Come on.

Oh, really? Because you seem to have stepped right into my life.

You always wanted to be the one fucking that tiger!

Lou, if I was going to fuckin' kill you, I wouldn't use a gun, okay?

I would spike your mid-morning cocktail with a tasteless, but potent sedative.

And, while you slept, I would wait the nine hours for it to fully flush out of your system, so there's no trace.

And I would take you out into the Gulf and feed you to a tiger shark.

Damn, that's cold.

But I wouldn't use a gun. (SCOFFS)

I'll be making my own mid-morning cocktail from now on, thank you.

Man, I wish Adam was here. He'd know what to do.

You just described my whole entire life.

We need Adam and he's not here.

Where the hell is he?

Holy shit.

When we were carrying you after you got shot, I saw his trench coat beside the hot tub time machine.

Adam murdered me.

JACOB: Okay, so Adam shoots Lou, and then uses the hot tub to escape somewhere in time.


Only in our fucked-up social circle is that textbook.

Why would Adam wanna shoot you?

I don't know. I've only been the best of friends to him.

You tried to fuck his wife. You tried to fuck his wife?

(SCOFFS) As a joke! Come on, you guys get that.


You get it. (DEVICE BEEPING)

In Lougle financial news, no surprise here, Lougle finished trading up 10 points today.

Nice. Looks like I turned the company around.

I'll turn you around.

Somebody's grumpy 'cause they got murdered.

NICK: Mmm-hmm.

Adam! Come on out!

It's your best friends in the whole fucking world!

You sure this is the right place?

Lougle Search brought up Adam's location and DNA.

He's really got to fix his privacy settings.

If he's here, I'm gonna kill him before he kills me.

Hi. Can I help you?

Oh, my God. Jacob Dorchen and Nick Webber?

(CHUCKLES) Guilty.

Am I on Celebrity Subpoena?

Just tell me. Tell me, am I on Celebrity Subpoena?

And hello, sir. Who are you?

Fuck it, wrong house. Stop.

Does Adam Yates live here?

I'm Adam Yates Stedmeyer.

Okay, so you're married to my aunt, which makes you my uncle.

But that means that you and I are first cousins.

Oh, my God, you guys. This is aws.

NICK: He looks like a preppie Braveheart.

I found this photo after my mother died.

BOTH: Great White Buffalo.

Great White Buffalo.

BOTH: Great White Buffalo. Great White Buffalo.

Great White Buffalo. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

So this is him, right? This is my dad?

So you never met him?

No, they broke up before I was even born.


But you guys can introduce us.

Yeah. See, the thing about that is, it's complicated.

Do you guys ever feel like everything happens for a reason?

BOTH: Yes. No.

Call it destiny, or predestiny.

I think it's "predestination."

No, it's predestiny. I read a book.

Uh, was that book a dictionary?

No, it was a book called Predestiny.

Okay, I don't really give a shit.

With predestiny, it dictates that there is a force or something holding the strings and setting everything up just so they can be knocked down perfectly into...


I can't! I can't do it! I gotta go. Let's go.

JACOB: Sorry. Sorry, bro, we gotta go.

Nice skirt, by the way.

Thank you. JILL: I have the dress.

Wait, who said anything about a dress?

I certainly didn't say anything about the dress.


I'm sorry. I didn't realize that Adam had guests.

Hey, babe. Hi.

Guys, meet Jill. Jill, meet the guys.

We're getting married this weekend.

Uh, me and Jill, not me and you guys.

Oh, stop it. You're gonna make milk come out of my nose.

Milk? What milk? I had milk earlier.


Are you Nick Webber?

Yes. Yes, I am.

Would you please do the Webber Strut?

The Webber...

Come on, you know it. He wants us to do it.

I think so.

BOTH: Everybody, strut, strut, strut, strut.

Stop that. Strut, strut, strut...

Wow, they're really good at your dance.

Your poor man's Macarena that you are very famous for.

Everybody do the...

They're, like, picking dicks out of a tree.

It looks like dick-picking.

And for the record, I still like your music.

I mean, I know you've fallen on hard times.

Hard times?

You're so poor now, but I really like you still.

What do you mean, poor?

Oh, my God, that's the one. That's the one?

That is the one. (SIGHS)

Honey, we found our mini-cake bites.

Phew! Guys!

We found our mini-cake bites.


Oh, I didn't tell you.

Jacob is my cousin. No.

ADAM: And Uncle Lou... Don't you ever call me that. my uncle. What?

And they came here in a, uh... What was it?

BOTH: Hot tub time machine.

That's right.

Oh, okay.

So I guess you came here in hot tub time machine, too.


They're looking for my dad. What?

You have to go with them. Uh...

Would you guys mind? It would be really, really great to have my father at the wedding.

Fuck that. Fuck that.

No way in hell. No way in hell.

You gotta let Adam go.

I mean, this is exactly the sort of thing that he needs.

We've been together for 10 years. He hardly ever goes out.

He didn't even have a bachelor party.

Honey, you're making me seem a little stiff.


All right. Well, you have fun and make good choices.

You're my best choice. You're my best choice.

No, you're my best choice. You're my bestest choice.

No, you're my best choice!

BOTH: You're my best choice!

You're. My. Best. Choice.

The fuck? Yeah, seriously.

Guys, I'll be there in one second.

BOTH: You're. My. Best. Choice.

Uh, so you guys are my dad's full-on bros, huh?

I always wondered what my dad's full-on bros would be like and now... Now I totally know.

'Cause we're getting some serious hang-time.


You know what, I feel like we are going to have an unforgettably...

Dude, where the fuck are we going?

Oh. Well, my mom used to live near here, so I figured we'd go by her old building and see if we can find a clue.

Okay! Well, there's a 50-50 chance I might murder your dad, so if you have a reunion speech, keep it tight. NICK: Whoa!


Wassup, man?

No, no, no, no, no.

There's no one driving that car.

Yeah, it's a smart car.

Yeah, I can see that. No, it's a smart car.

It's self-driving. What?

That's awesome!

Now, see, this is that future shit I'm talking about.

How much that set you back?

You guys are hilarious.

I don't own it. I mean, no one does.

You need a car, one shows up.


You're a wonderful car and I appreciate you.


Come on.

(STAMMERS) So, this car runs on feelings.

Yeah, I guess a six-year-old would say that.

Oh? NICK: Burn.

Really? Would a six-year-old say that?


What the fuck was that? Revved up on you.

Did he just rev up on me? He sure did.

Hey! What's up? You got a problem with me?

You know what? I'll give you the first punch, huh?

Go ahead.

Go ahead! Hit me!

Come on!

You're not a good car!

You're not smart! You're just a car!

Okay. I don't think it actually works that way.

Like, you can't hurt its feelings.

You're a wonderful car and I appreciate you.

(BEEPS) Yeah, well, guess what?

You can hurt my feelings, okay?

What? I'm walking.


Is he always like this? Pretty much.

Does he have, like, emotional problems?

He's got a real serious drug problem.

He got shot last night.

He's got that runt ball. His son hates him.

That's fair to say, right?

Yeah, yeah. He's a monster.

I'd like to help him.


Oh, hey, I'm sure you're sick of this, but will you sign my Dick Pad? (WOMAN MOANING)

JACOB: Oh, you put your dick in there!

ADAM: It's a genius invention.

I know, okay? I know.

You put your whole mouth inside your son's jerk-off machine.

What does your son's penis taste like?

Goddamn you.

Was it delicious?

Oh, hey, a friend of mine's some sort a big shot over at Lougle.

Brad Syed? He's coming to my wedding.

Brad? Hey.

You guys should absolutely come to my wedding.


JACOB: Oh, man, I wish we could, but we're doing, uh...


Gary Winkle.



Fuck him in the face. Right in the fucking face.

It's not about money, it's about making money.

Oh! Look who it... (GRUNTS)

Ahh! How are you rich, huh?

How the fuck are you rich?

Oh, Lou... You killed me!

I'm going to kill you before you can kill me again!

Okay. Whoa, whoa, whoa...

That's hilarious. Why would I kill you? I love you, man.


Okay, okay, okay. All right. I'm fine.

You not buying that land was the best thing that ever happened to me.

Because when Hurricane Beth came through and destroyed half the waterfront... (EXHALES)

It turned this worthless piece of dirt into a goldmine.


So you didn't murder me?

What are you talking about? I love you, man. (CHUCKLES)

So, are you boys coming up or what?

It's not a party unless it's a Gary Winkle party.

At Gary Winkle's.

The Wink.

What are you doing? It's a double wink.

Ah, technically, that's more of a blink.

That's a blink. You can't wink, can you?

(SCOFFS) Of course I can wink.

Prove it.


Let me do this. Hold on.

Let me hold this open. I'll hold this open.

Now do it.

BOTH: See?

Can we go to the fuckin' party now?


Welcome to The Wink!

Hey, jugglers, give my boys anything they want...

From that shelf down.

Lou, what are we doing here? You know.

Winkle is not the killer. We gotta go.

I don't care, 'cause there's cocaine right there.

Didn't you see the cocaine? Look, look, look.

I see the cocaine. So what?

Well, I'm going to do that. So, first... And then...

Look, I'm not flickering. Am I flickering? You cannot say that I'm flickering.

We're on a mission to save your life.

You think I don't want to roll my dick around some cocaine, and get titty-slapped? Okay.

Pop some bottles? Do some crazy future shit?

I'm trying to keep you from flickering.

What the fuck are you doing? LOU: Good talk.

Thank you. And popping bottles, that's old school.

You bringing that back?


I like that. I like you.



What are these? I don't care.

Oh. So, Nick, listen, I was so sorry to hear about you and Courtney.

What do you mean? Ah.

Gotcha. Forget I even brought it up.

No, no, no, really, what do you mean?

I hear you loud and clear, man.

I don't think you hear me at all.

Hey, Sophie!

There you are.

I have a surprise for you.

Oh. Uh...

Sophie has a surprise for me.

Bye, dude!

I'll take a room-temperature almond milk, please.

No, actually, I'll get a tangerine margarita.

No. Scratch that.

I'll take just an apricot sliced into fours. And a kiwi.

Do you have kiwi? I'll take a kiwi, sliced up.

A banana thrown in there.

You know what? Dealer's choice.

Just a fruit salad.

Should we go somewhere more private?


Jacob Dorchen wants privacy.

That's so 2018.

Right, right.

No. Get that out of here.

I mean, I wouldn't mind a little something.

Remember, we agreed?

Look at your dad.

You're not going down that road anymore.

Oh, God, I'm so good at that!


(VOCALIZING) It's Satan.

Like, I'll finger your dog, I don't care.

As a joke! As a joke!

I have some advice for you.

If you don't want to be considered a sex offender, don't take a shit in a sandbox that happens to be in a playground.

Okay? Don't do it. 'Cause guess what?

You have two things, a record and a fucking nickname.

I know it's a potentially risky move... Wedding sorbet!

Mmm. As a palate cleanser, of course.

I mean, I'm not insane.

Oh, my God! Fuckin'A! You're Nick Webber, man!

Let's take a picture! I can't believe it's you, man.

I'm gonna send this to everyone.

I'm gonna get, like, a billion views! NICK: Okay.

I remember when I first heard that stupid song. I was like, "Man, that song is so dumb."

Do the Strut.

Do the Strut. No, I'm good.

You won't do the fucking song?

You want to see the Strut? Whoa, whoa, whoa...

DJ: (LAUGHS) Hey, yo! Check this out!

Nick Webber's in the house, so get ready for the original Webber Strut! (ALL CHEERING)

Before that, let's back it up.

Six years ago, see where it all began.

I made a lot of mistakes. I've taken advantage.

And now I'm ready to be original.

This is dedicated to those who never got to be, because of me.

Strut to the time of the clock It's midnight Everybody strut right now Nick Webber Nick Webber You don't know but you think you know Nick Webber Nick Webber You don't know, but you will Everybody do the Strut, strut, strut Everybody do the Strut, strut, strut Everybody do the


(GASPS) on.

Oh, this room is so much better than the other room.



Look at him go. Chip off the old block.


Okay, be nice.

Be nice. Be nice. Be nice. Be nice. Be nice. Be nice.

Hmm. Son!

Hey! What a coincidence!

Wondering where you ran off to, but here you are.

Who let you in here?

Would you go find your murderer?

Think your old man can get in on a little of this action? Or...

This is... This is a private party.

This one's mine.

What? Yes! See?

Ha! Still got it!

What are the, uh, house rules here?

I just want to know what to do.

I don't want to break any rules, get chucked out right away, you know?

That'd be fucked up. Touch me, you filthy vagrant.


JACOB: (LAUGHS) Oh! Wait, what was that?

Nothing. It wasn't anything.

You just flickered.

No, I'd flickered? No, I didn't.

How did you do that?

He's threatening his own existence.

Lou, you can't be here, 'cause you're jeopardizing your future.

Would you mind your own fucking beeswax?

Whatever. I'm over this.

No! No!

No, no!


Long story short, the caterer did talk us into the Chateaubriand, which, you know, I'll admit, is a sexy side of beef.

Sounds like it.

And I think you know where I'm going with this.

You thought wrong.

Horseradish station. That's right. We're gonna have the white and the reds, separate service, different intensity.

It's gonna be great...

Wait a second. Nick?

You should play our wedding. (SCOFFS)

People would love to see the Strut in person.

I'm sure they would.

Hey, what do you guys want from the party tray?

Me? Oh, uh...

I don't know. I'm getting married tomorrow, so I'm really trying to take it easy.

Yeah, you're getting married for the rest of your life, so why have any fun tonight at all?

Oh! Yeah.

Uncle Lou is right. Don't call me that.

Give me the craziest thing you got.

Someone sounds like he wants the Electric Ladybug.

Ooh, the Electric...

Oh. GARY: Stick it right there.

What... I'm sorry, what exactly is that?


Don't take it off for 24 hours.

Why can't I take it off for 24 hours?



Yeah. What's so funny?

Relax. Relax. It's just like baby aspirin.

Except more of a super-high intensity psychotropic drug trip.



I promise you, you're not gonna like this.








Pm a god!

I'm a fucking god!






Not in the dumpster. I owe you 50 bucks.

ADAM: Hey, lick my pussy.

Just kidding, guys. I'm up here. What's up?

JACOB: What are you doing up there?

Why are you down there, stupid fuck?

You guys, last night, my eyes opened. Okay.

I'm telling you, you guys, you got to get up here.

I mean, the way the sun is just dancing off these leaves...

Mr. Webber.

Hi. I'm from Choozy Doozy.

I'm here to take you to the show.



NICK: How about that?

Nick Webber has a show in 2025. Still got it!

Right, but, I mean, we can't go because we have to solve his murder.

Come on! Look. Hey, not flickering.

Maybe it's a lead. It's a fun lead.

JACOB: Until somebody goes back in time and kills you.

I can't miss my gig.

Okay, Choozy Doozy is my favorite show.

Wait, how did you find us?

I just go where the cars take me.

ADAM: Okay, I'm coming down.

Do you think I can make that dumpster, guys?

No. No.

Yeah, I think I can probably make it.

Yes, yes, yes, yes! Come on!

Yeah, I think so, too, Lou. Thanks.

Adam, stay right there. Stop. Adam!

Come on! NICK: Baby Adam

(SHUSHES) You can!

Stop, Lou!

Here I go. I'm gonna jump.



LOU: Holy fuck...

Got you!

JACOB: That was fucking awesome!

Oh, my God! How did you even do that?

I'm strong as fuck.

MALE ANNOUNCER: Get ready for mischief, mayhem, plenty of truths and more than one dare!

This is Celebrity Choozy Doozy!

Now, please welcome back the host of the show, Britt McShasaucey!


Thank you very much for that, Gill!

Welcome to our show! We got a very, very exciting show planned for you tonight.

Please help me welcome back to the stage, musical sensation, Nick Webber! (AUDIENCE CHEERING)



(SOFTLY) Hey, honey, guess where I am. Just guess.

Okay, shut up. I'm at Choozy Doozy.

Where have you been?

I tried to call you, like, a hundred times.

What was with that crazy phone call last night?

Crazy call? What do you mean?

You don't remember calling me and telling me that you were a god?

No. Does that sound like me?

Listen, I had the most amazing night.

I did everything.

(STUTTERS) I punched a man in the face.

Just walked up to him. (CLICKS TONGUE)

Just punched him with my fist.

I felt like an ape. Like an ape.

I did Eskimo kisses with this beautiful woman.

What are you talking about?

Honey, have you ever felt that everything that you've experienced and said up to this point is just a fraud?

Excuse me?

No. Okay, "fraud" is too strong a word.

It's more like a lie.

"Lie" is actually... It's not right, either.

It's kind of a hard concept to...

Okay, bye, honey-

All right, that went well. That went really well.

Our studio audience will have the opportunity to challenge you to specific tasks.

The best idea shall prevail.

Because this is...

ALL: Celebrity Choozy Doozy!

What is that, exactly?

Let me hear some ideas from the audience.

Come on! We want some new ideas! WOMAN: Eat a bunch of waffles!

Eat a bunch of waffles. Very, very nice choice.

MAN 1: Juggle knives!

Ooh! Very scary!

He could lose an arm! That happened last week.

MAN 2: Swallow a watch!

Can you swallow a watch, Nick?

I hope not.

Fuck a dude!



Say some more stuff! Say something else!

BRITT: Now, remember, folks, when you see something you like, you make your selection, and it'll show up here on the board. (DEVICE BEEPING)

Uh, I don't want to fuck a dude.

Ah, you're adorable.

This is the best day of my life.

What the fuck's wrong with everybody?

Waffles, waffles. It's a neck-and-neck with...

Oh! Oh, Well...

(EXCLAIMS) Look at that.

Oh, hell, no!

BRITT: You just got very lucky, my friend, because you were almost about to have to eat a whole bunch of waffles!

I'm willing to do that. I'm willing... I'll eat the waffles.

Okay, now...

Who had the idea of this man fornicating with a gentleman?

Over here! This guy!

What's your name, sir?

Lou Dorchen.

Well, Lou, as you know, with Choozy Doozy...

ALL: You choose it, you dooze it!

You choose it, you dooze it.

I'm sorry. I dooze what now?

Oh, shit!

Come on up here, Lou! LOU: This is crazy!

Stop smiling!


And, we're back with the Celebrity Choozy Doozy challenge round.

We have Nick Webber along with his pal, Lou Dorchen!

What exactly is this?

It's the number one show on TV.

Okay, load 'em up!

What the fuck?

I don't think this is real.


Yeah. It's like Lawnmower Man.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Just like Lawnmower Man, except, you know, we're supposed to fuck.

Yeah, well, that's not going to happen.


Bring me the thing!


I'm glad we're on the same page.


What's going on? Lou!





This is getting a little dark.

Dark? What do you mean?

Okay, if this is the most popular show, give me some of the other shows?

Yeah, of course. There's Toddler In The Wild, there's Mommy, I'm Drowning, there's Daddy, Where Are You Going?

There's, um, Building Explosion.

Building Explosion? Noah, Building Explosion.

It just shows big buildings falling down, and...

Kids, like, trapped in the basement, and the building falls, and they're like, "Ma, get me out of here."

And it shows them how to get out in an emergency, but also tells them when to give up.


Bing bong! What's the delay?


Hey. There's something trying to kill us here.

That's 10,000 volts of electricity coursing through the suits that you're wearing back here in the studio!

Every week, it's the same goddamn thing.

It's guy on guy, girl on girl.

Sometimes it's even guy on girl.


What is the big deal with the two of you boys sleeping together?

You're acting like it's 2010, for Christ's sakes.

Now, we got a show to do, boys! So start fucking!

Dude, is there, like, a stage manager around?

I mean, they're gonna kill these guys.

Hey, I'm sorry. Look.

If you're gonna sit next to me, I need to know right now, do you have a problem with this show?

Well, yeah, clearly I have a problem with this show.

I mean, look, this is grotesque.

Jacob. This is a great show.

This is the number one show in the nation.

This is a show that families enjoy.

Okay? This is a family show?

Absolutely. Like, it's on at, like, 8:00?

It's on at 7:00 on Sunday nights against Butthole Nation.

And it always wins.


Classic Lou.




Okay. (GRUNTS)

I'm sorry, Lou.

I know you are, buddy! I know!

I know. I love you, man!

Don't say that!

I don't wanna have an emotional connection to this moment!

What... Oh, God forbid a couple of friends can't express their brotherly love for each other!

I love you.

I told you to stop saying that!

I'm so sorry!

JACOB: So there are no more sex taboos?

Well, I guess bestiality.

But only from a community property perspective.

What do you... What do you mean?

Oh, you don't remember Llama v. Ferguson?

Guy tries to divorce a llama, and the land is in dispute because the llama needs to graze?

But people still eat animals, right?

Oh, yeah, absolutely. And animals eat people, it's all the same.

You got a tuft of hair coming out your crack.

Don't fuckin' worry about it, okay?

I'll get your grooming tips later.

Are you ready? Yeah.

Okay. I love you.

All right! Put it in slow!

Really slow!



Take that dick. What the fuck?

Come on! It's just something I say.

"Take that dick"?

Wait, hold on! Stop, stop, stop!


Looks like somebody chose a lifeline!

Me! Me! I did it! I chose it!

Who will the lucky winner be?

What happens? Do we get waffles?

What happened? It's a lifeline, so the chooser picks a new doozer.

You gotta choose someone, Lou.

NICK: Choose waffles.


Okay, I get it. I get it.

All right. All right. Uh... (CHUCKLES)

Yeah, I know just the guy. He loves this show.


Oh, no, no, no. I'm...

I'm actually getting married tonight, so I can't.

It's actually an issue of fidelity.

I cannot do this.

You're a monster, Lou.

What's up?

NICK: Get ready, 'cause here it comes.

Here what comes?


That's my butt!


Wow! That was good TV.

You know what, Adam, I thought about it.

You can call me Uncle Lou now.

Holy shit! Did you see that?

You're a fucking lunatic!

Was that the same car? Couldn't be.

That car tried to run me down on purpose.

Did you see that?


What if that car's my murderer?

You were shot in the dick in the past, remember?

Oh, like that would be the craziest fucking thing that's ever happened to us. That car's an asshole.

The car's not an asshole. You're an asshole.

Whoa. Where'd that come from?

Everything is all about Lou. No regard for anybody else.

I'm pretty sure that's never been the case at all, ever.

Because of you, Adam just got raped.

Are we calling it a rape?

Whoa! Nobody got raped.

It felt like kind of a gray area.

You're a fucking virus, Lou.

You find a vulnerable host, and you attach yourself and you just fuck 'em all up.


Okay. Someone needs to find a chill-out tent.

Let's get you a comfy couch and a video game. What do you say?

Where does it say in the Shitty Parent's Handbook to treat your son like shit?

Well, if it's a Shitty Parent's Handbook, wouldn't it be, like, the theme of the whole book?

No, he's right. Wait. NICK: No, no, no.

It's a step-by-step guide for how to be a shitty parent.

Exactly. Shitty Parenting for Dummies.

Okay. You're right. I apologize.

I apologize. You were totally wrong.

No, why would someone write that book?

Why would that book exist?

Actually, Nick's idea about retitling it Shitty Parenting for Dummies is a solid idea.

If you want to use the metaphor again. LOU: It's an impulse buy.

All right, you know what? Forget it. You're right, that's fair.

It was a misleading title. But the point is...

Fuck you!

If they're not gonna say it, I will.

I am so tired of solving your problems.

You wanna stop your murder, figure it out yourself.

I'm going to Winkle's.

Jacob, what the fuck? Youngblood!

No. You know why? 'Cause as long as we're here, I'm Jacob fucking Dorchen! And that means something.

Jacob, come on!

Youngblood, we got to figure this out.

LOU: You're the only one keeping track of important stuff!

I mean...

You know what? Fuck it. Fuck it.

Who cares? Who needs him? I don't need him.

Hey, I'm getting married today, guys.

What do you say we kick this day in the pants and get over there early for some Bloody Mary-tinis?

I'm sorry. Can I just get rid of this thing?

No! She said not to take it off for 24 hours.

Or what? I don't know.

Yeah, exactly. If I had a dime for every time I did something a cocktail waitress told me not to do, I'd be rich. Look.


Oh, my God, the cocktail waitress was wrong.

Sorry, my mistake.

I should listen to you more often, Lou.

All right. (SIGHS)

You just learned a valuable life lesson.

I did.


Come on.


Ew, God. So...


911, right? Yeah.


LOU: Ugh.

Fucking disgusting, dude!

Okay, you're sick. You made your point.

Come on, Lou, you know he can't help it.

You okay, buddy?


Okay, this is becoming a bit of a hygiene issue.

KELLY: All right, let's see what we have here.

Okay, yeah.


Come on, really?

Divorced? What the fuck are you talking about?

Kelly, we're soul mates.

Not anymore.

Mommy? No, I'm not your mommy.

Homie? Yeah, I'm your homie.

Was it... Was it something you did?

If so, I don't care. I don't care. I forgive you.

Put this in his mouth. (ADAM GROANS)

If you don't communicate with me, I can't fix this!

You can't fix anything.

Hey, bite down on this. Good. Okay.

What's going on?

Here we go.


Oh, that's actually not bad.

You know, it's, like, kind of sweet.

What's happening to him?

Oh, this is totally normal.

The nanobots are attacking the narcotics.

How long has he been on heroin?

It was a Ladybug.

Wait, the sticker? Yeah, on the neck.

Yeah. We normally give Tylenol for that.

I just pumped him full of...

Narcotic-seeking nanobots?

Yeah. Whoops.

You're a great listener. I should have married you.

LOU: Look, Kel, I'm sorry, okay?

I'm sorry.


Can we just move on?

I did move on, Lou. I got clean.

You're the one who doesn't have a rock bottom.

I just pray that there's still hope for Jacob.

GARY: This ain't a circus!

Quick juggling and make some fucking drinks!

Hey! Jake the Snake!

Hey, is it still day out there?

Who gives a shit? What can I get you?

I'll take everything!


You sure about that?

'Cause, remember what happened last time?



All right! Set Mr. Dorchen up with the usual...

And, you know, call security.

KELLY: The nanobots can't find any drugs, so they're traveling to the lowest part of his body, where they'll harden and expand.

His feet? In his testicles.

Well, that hardly seems like the lowest part of his body.

Shit! What's happening?

Okay. It's now or never.

ADAM: (STAMMERING) What are you doing?

Whoa, whoa, whoa! (LAUGHS)

What is that?

What you gonna do with that?

Stick him! Stick him!



(EXCLAIMS) Oh, shit!


That's a lot of juice!

Okay! Enough!

Now what's gonna happen, I'm going to pull this out, and there might be some leakage, okay?

(STAMMERS) Don't pull it out. Don't pull it out.

I like it where it is. KELLY: One, two, three...


Ha! Ah!

LOU: Oh, wow! Okay. Fuck your ball juice!


Oh, I walked right into that one. Literally.

Oh, I don't know about you guys, but I feel way better.

There's definitely semen in that.

There's definitely fucking semen in that.

Did you taste the robots? They're gritty.

Oh, fucking bottle service.


Every fucking weekend.

Hey, baby. (SNIFFS)

You're a fuck-up, Jacob.

Just like your loser dad.

I'm not anything like my fucking dad!

No... Oh, no, wait, wait, wait.



I know how this looks.

No. You don't.

You see my son? Do you know my son?


Has anybody seen a grown-up Garbage Pail Kid?

There's Winkle.

GARY: I pay you girls to like me. Hey, smile!


Uh-oh! Electric Ladybug, huh?

Fuck you, dude! Yeah.

Hey, how you doing?

I'm doing fucking shitty, Gary.

Still haven't found my killer, and there's a car trying to run me down.

I hear you there, brother.

I had a Passat follow me around for three weeks one time.

Had to buy it rims to make it go away.

You know what I'm talking about, huh?

Where's Jacob?

Oh, I had to throw him out, like I always do.

You know what I mean?

He said something about going to see his family therapist, whoever the fuck that is.

I know where he is.

I'm not that strong.

LOU: Hey, son.

It's Daddy.


It's a nice... Nice place.

Yeah, yeah.

I mean, like, as far as rooms go, this is one of the biggest.

A great room is a great room.

I could see myself chilling here.

Right. Throwing some football.

Having a football match right in the middle of the floor.

Football, basketball, you know, just all the sports.

I'm so comfortable and relaxed right now.

Me, too.

Hey, Adam... Yeah.

...about what happened at Choozy Doozy...

No, it was... You know, it was virtual.

Yeah. Virtual.

So it was just like... (BLOWS RASPBERRY)

It's in the ether.

It does not exist. Who cares?

That shit happened.

Yeah, we should get that show cancelled.

Or at least arrest someone.

I could've ate some goddamn waffles.

It's like you shoved a fucking Buick up my butt.

I got a Buick dick.

You do.

Shit got bad, Lou.

I mean bad like the part of Boogie Nights after Mark Wahlberg jerks off in the pickup truck.

I mean, here we are, with the greatest power the universe has to offer at our fingertips and we're just a bunch of fuck-ups.

(SIGHS) Jacob, I know what you're going through.

Yeah, I know that you do. You're the biggest fuck-up I know.



You know, all Dorchen men end up on a roof at some point in their lives.

We party till we want to kill ourselves. My dad did it.

And your son will do it after you.

Even Grandpappy Dorchen?

Jumped off a roof, survived, died of syphilis.


Jacob, how can we expect to find happiness anywhere in time if we're just not happy people?

We do the best that we can.


Here comes the hug monster.

All right. Come on. Let's go do some more dumb shit.


Whoa! I got you!

Lou, don't drop me! I got you!

Don't drop me!

I'm not gonna let you fall, I promise.

I trust you. Okay.

Oh, fuck, I'm gonna drop you!

Don't drop me! Don't drop me!

I'm dropping you! You fell!

Fuck you!


FEMALE AUTOMATED VOICE: Suicide prevention activated.

Oh, look at that. Force field.

Oh, this is a great call.

I must have invented that.

Seriously. Thank you, Dad.

My pleasure, son.

Is it fun? Yeah, it's kind of fun.

You know what? I'm coming down, too! Yay!


LOU: Guys, guys, guys, come on!

We got a murder to solve here, huh?

Let's think. It's not Winkle.

It's obviously not Jacob.

Right? Hey.

No? Right. Come on. Come on.

All right. Okay.


Some curious news out of the tech sector today.

A new synthetic element has been developed.

The new element invented by Brad Syed of Lougle Labs, is tentatively being called nitrotrinadium.

That's it.

Brad never liked me. No?

And Brad's going to Adam's wedding.

Oh, I keep forgetting you guys know Brad.

It's gonna be fun, my wedding. I'm looking forward to it.

Oh, fuck! My wedding!

Jill's going to kill me. I have to go change.

Oh, God. I can't believe that son of a bitch stole my idea.

Let's split up and find Brad on three. One, two, three.

ALL: Split up and find Brad before he goes back in time and kills Lou!

Wow! We are so locked in. Same page.

We are so locked in. Same page.

That's awesome. NICK: Right.

It's normal for men to blow off some steam before their wedding, right?

Adam? What'd he do, have a light lunch and a spa day?

He did drugs and had sex with a man he barely knows on national TV.

That doesn't sound like Adam.

(SIGHS) Honey, like you said, he's just blowing off steam.

Why didn't I blow off steam? I have steam to blow off.

All I did was get my hair done!

It looks beautiful. Oh, shut up, you dumb slut.

You blew half of Pittsburgh before your bachelorette party.

Get me some champagne.

I don't know what's taking Jill.

You think she saw Choozy Doozy?

Does she watch it?

It's her favorite show.

Then she probably saw it.




This isn't good. She's never late. Ever.

Do you think she and I are gonna be okay?

I don't know, man. I'm not the guy to ask about marriage.

Wait, are you married? Yeah. Well...

I don't know. I hope so.

Okay. Well, I have to find Jill.

Will you cover for me?

No, we gotta find Brad.

Fuck a dude. Fuck two dudes.

"I'm Adam. I get plowed by dudes on TV."


Eeny, meeny, miney, drunk.

(SCOFFS) Choozy Boozey.

Oh, so sorry. Wrong room.


Oh, shit.

Anybody know a Brad Syed? Report...

Hey, Nick Webber. Do the dance.

You want me to do the dance?

Yeah, do the dance.

You want me to do the fucking dance?

ALL: Yeah!

This is who I've become, isn't it?

The dancing clown.

The man who will apparently do anything to keep his shitty career going.

Meanwhile, when's the last time I shared a romantic dinner with my wife?

Or just did anything, just the two of us?

It's been a minute.

I'll bet there's a lot of people here tonight who have been taken for granted.

This lady right here.

When's the last time your man gave you flowers, just because?

Fuck you, dude.

Right? On this special occasion, be thankful for the one you're with.

Make each moment count.

Remember why you fell in love.

Now do the dance!

ALL: Yeah!

Do it! Do it!

Fuck it. D.J.!





Hey, Brad. Hey, Jacob...

Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa...

Give me the nitrotrinadium, Brad! Give me the fuckin' nitro!

Okay, okay. Slowly.


Be very careful, it's my only one. I only trust you with it.

You thought you had it all figured out, didn't ya?

Just gonna go back in time and kill my dad.

Kill your dad? Yeah.

I know your plan, Brad.

Okay, sure, I thought about it.

A lot. When I worked for him.

I knew it.

But why would I wanna kill the man partly responsible for the greatest scientific achievement of all time?


There was no such thing as nitrotrinadium when your dad gave me the idea for it 10 years ago.

...for time travel!

BRAD: He had a history of pulling great ideas out of his ass... Boom!

...and god damn it, he did it again.

I'm gonna be in the lab, trying to save this company.

I dedicated my life's work to making Lou Dorchen's vision a reality.

Wait. So you are the inventor of time travel.

Right? It's fucking awesome.

So you weren't gonna go back to 2015 and shoot him in the dick.

Shoot him? (LAUGHS)

If I was going to kill your dad, it wouldn't be with a gun.

What I would do is spike his morning cocktail with a potent sedative before dragging his body to the Gulf and...

BOTH: Feeding it to a shark.

Yeah. It's the perfect plan.

LOU: Are you having as fantastic a time as I am?

JILL: Shut up! This isn't making love!

This is a "fuck you" to my fiance!

LOU: Right, right, right, right. Okay.

JILL: Fuck me, Uncle Lou! LOU: Whoa! Whoa! Hold on!

Uncle by marriage!

I feel like that is an important distinction to make.

Fuck me, Uncle Lou by marriage!

I can't believe I'm fucking Adam's father's future daughter-in-law!

JILL: I can't believe I'm fucking Adam's father's sister's husband!

Adam! Have you seen Lou?


That Jacuzzi time machine thing, is that real?

It's a hot tub. Whatever!

Listen, Adam, I'm sorry, I gotta be a stickler on this.

Jacuzzi is a brand name, and...

Shut up! How does it work?

How does it work? This!

BRAD: It's the only nitrotrinadium in the whole world!

Ten fucking years! It was a bitch to make, dude!

I know, Brad. I didn't mean to fuckin' lose it.

He got the jump on me.

But he's so much smaller than you.

He had, like, super-human strength, like that fucking baby in Superman I.

You mean Baby Superman? That baby was Superman.

(STAMMERS) Yeah, I mean...

That baby was Superman, Jacob!

Hey. Oh, hey.

Any luck? (LAUGHS)

Yeah. You found him?

Oh, shit! No. Brad. No, you?

Nah. Dude.

Ten years of my life.

Handle it.

Instead of linear, think of space-time as being fluid...

Hey. Hey, Lou.



BOTH: America!

Brad was helping. He's not the murderer.

Oh. Hmm.

Oops. Then what happened?

Adam took the nitro. He's going back to 2015 to kill you.

Adam Junior's the murderer? Why would he do that?

Um, hmm...

I think... Uh...

You guys are gonna think this is hilarious.

I may have, uh, fucked his wife. A tiny bit! A tiny bit.

You know, in her vagina, or whatever.

Fuck, Lou!

So you just created your own killer.

Oh, so I'm the bad guy now! Yes!


Come on!

JACOB: Fuck!

LOU: Shit.

Baby Adam got away.

Oh, shit. Shit. Look, look, look!

JACOB: Come on, come on, come on...

No, no, no, no, no! This has got to end now.


Lou, what are you doing? Lou, get out of the road.

NICK AND JACOB: Lou! I know what I'm doing!

Get the fuck out of the street!

You don't know what you're doing. You're going to die!

Lou, would you come the fuck on?

Let me do this! I got this!

I got this!


I'm sorry. Okay.

(ENGINE REVS) Okay, okay, okay! I mean it.

I do. I mean it. I'm a dick. Ask my friends.

He's a dick. Big ol' dick.

Look, I get you. I do.

I know what it's like to feel unappreciated, like just a member of the pack.

I just want you to know that despite what I said before, I do appreciate you.

And I'm appealing to your sense of humanity right now.

There is a maniac trying to kill me.

And I'm asking you to be the bigger car and help me out.

I'm just a guy looking at a car and asking it to love me.





Listen. You can't go with me, okay?



Hey, listen.

I'll be back, okay? I promise. I'll be back.

We'll go all the places that we never got to go, okay?

Just wait for me. You, uh, stay blue.


JACOB: Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit.

We're too late. We just missed him.

I guess that's it. We're stuck here.

That means in a minute, Lou's going to disappear.

No. That can't be right. Right, Jacob?

I mean, you got... You got a plan or something.

No. We just got to, um...

What are we gonna do?

Fuck, I don't know.

I don't know.

Aw, shit, Lou.

I'll miss you, brother. I'll miss you, too.

(SOFTLY) Hey. Before I forget, will you just keep an eye on him?

He's got such a big future ahead of him.

Obviously. Yeah.


(CHUCKLES) I got it.

Jacob, it's okay. Don't...

No, no, no.

Our nitro was missing because it didn't exist yet.

But if Adam took the nitro to the past, then it exists here in the future.

Holy shit!

NICK: There's still time.

Jacob! (GRUNTS) Let's go!

NICK: We gotta go back to the past to save the future.

What does this remind you of?


Always Terminator. Always Terminator. I know.

Let's go save Lou's life.

BOTH: High five.

High five.


This is my favorite part!

Ah, here we go! Here we go!


I think we made it! Let's go!

Let's go! Okay.


It's the party. And there's still time!

He's gotta be around here somewhere!

BUFFER: We are live!

From Lougle Mansion.

Worth 2.3 billion dollars, introducing Lou "the Violator"




Hey, everybody. ADAM: Lou!


Lou, I found him.

I'm going to shoot you in the dick so you can't fuck anyone else's wife!

Technically, you all aren't married yet, so she's not your wife. Yes, she is!

Adam, I hate to be a stickler, but you guys haven't met yet.

It's 2015. Shut the fuck up!

Mazel tov! Congratulations!


What are you doing? What are you doing?

It's probably pretty hard to shoot a man, right?


It's okay. It's okay. Watch.

I'm just gonna make it easier on you. Look.


Shotgun to the dick. His destiny.

I turned you into a murderer.

I've just ruined my own life.

I have so much fuckin' poison in me that I've ruined yours, too.

Jacob was right.

I'm a virus.

This is your revenge to take. Okay?


I've seen my future.

You saw it. I'm a disaster.

It's okay.

Just kill me and put us both out of our misery?


I can't. I can't do it.

Jesus Christ, do I have to fucking do everything?




You okay?

You're fucking crazy, Lou.


I'm sorry, I may have shit my pants.

That's all right. It was a stressful situation.

It was really stressful. I'm exhausted.


I'm so sorry. I'm sorry.


How did you know my...

Oh. My nametag.

No, no, it's because you're my...

I'm sorry. This is just... This is weird.

Up until yesterday, I thought I had a normal life.

I know what you mean. I...

Have you ever felt like your entire life was a fraud?

I'm sorry. "Fraud" is the wrong word. "Lie"?

I'm Adam.

I'm... Jill. I know.

Lovely tuxedo you're wearing.

Thank you. Well, it's for our...


Forgot what I was going to say.


Well, that was exciting.

I guess it's not a Lougle party until somebody gets shot at.

I don't want to go to the Grammys.


I don't wanna go to your sister's either.

I just want to go somewhere, just you and me.

Start making things right.

I like that. Okay.

And I want to get out of this shirt.

I've been in it for, like, three days, and it's really loud.

Come here. Hmm?

Put your arms up for a sec, like that.

Is this a dance or something?

Something like that. More of a strut.

I'm coming in.


There it is. Yeah. Oh, okay.

Oh, this is some stupid shit.

You have no idea.

KELLY: Did I just hear fireworks?

Because fireworks make me want to puke, and you know that.

Hmm? Mmm...

Why are you more handsome?

I'm a bald person.


What do you think about doing a 12-step program with me?

You know, like, go to an awesome rehab with good food and a pool and classy people.

What do you think?

Okay. Yeah?

I fucking hate you, Lou.

I fucking hate you, Kelly.

JACOB: Sophie! Hey! Where are you going?

Um, people are shooting each other. I'm getting out of here.

Okay. Here's the thing, Soph, I've seen our future together and I will be the first person to admit that it is fucking insane.

The drugs, the constant partying.

It's enough to make anybody ask, "When is enough enough?"

What are you talking about?

Just stay with me here. Just stay with me.

Did you change?

Yeah, in so many ways. But, listen, right in the middle of that future is this toxic power couple named you and me.

And does it all end in tragedy and tears and a murder mystery? Yes, of course it does.

But I don't care.

I just got one question, Sophie.

Are you ready for the ride of your fucking life?

What's that in your pocket?

My dick.

Oh, the other thing.

A billion fucking dollars.

Hey, I just met my future wife in there.

Yeah, man. Hang outwith us, that kind of shit happens all the time.

Yeah. A lot of highs and lows here.

Yeah. You know, when you think about it, Lou had to fuck your wife in the future, so you could meet her in the past.

Well... Yeah. But, hey...

That's what uncles do, right?

Not really.

JACOB: Hey, just think of it this way.

Since it happened in the future, it technically hasn't happened at all.

It's cyclical.

ADAM: Yeah. And even though I didn't meet my dad, I met some friends for life.

NICK: Oh, yeah? Who?

ADAM: Hey, Lou? Uncle Lou.

Uncle Lou.

No harm, no foul, but did you ejaculate in her?

Hey. That doesn't matter.

I ejaculated inside of you.

JACOB: And that doesn't matter either.

Because those are both just hypothetical future scenarios.

No one ejaculated inside of anything, really.

No one's ejaculated.

(WHISPERS) Yeah, I did.

LOU: You know what?

I had this moment earlier.

I think it was when my nephew from the future had a shotgun pointed at my dick that I'd helped him place there.

That was me.

But in that moment, everything became clear to me.

We need to change people's lives.

Make the world a better place.

(ELECTRICITY CRACKLING) All we have to do is...





MAN: Don't listen to anything he says.

JACOB: Adam?

NICK: What the fuck? You shot Lou!


What's going on?

No time to explain. Follow me.

To where?


ADAM: No, no, Dad, wait!

Why did my dad just kill Lou?

He probably had an okay reason. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Wait! Don't go with Adam!



Patriot Lou.

Are those wooden teeth?

NICK: He looks like Cap'n Crunch fucked Paul Revere.

His hair's breathtaking.

It's beautiful.

Don't listen to him. Why?

It's a long story.

Believe me, he did us all a favor.

This one was bad.

(STAMMERS) Oh, okay. The bigger question is, how...

That's not the only me. You think you're the only you?

There's a ton of yous out there.

Look, you're gonna like this me a lot better.

This me is great. Take it from me.

Holy shit.

I mean, you guys get it, right?

Multiple universes, like Fringe.

(SINGING) Nerd You're a fucking nerd Poindexter You're a fucking nerd And no one likes you ADAM: You're a nerd You're a nerd...

And no one likes you You suck each other's dicks Whoa! What?


I'm sorry.

Obviously not the direction of the song, right?

I totally misread that song. My apologies.

Okay, so what now?

Yeah. You guys gotta come with me.

To where?

We gotta make America happen, bro.

Ready for another dip?

You know, you're not gonna be super welcome there, but we should totally go. I know.

Are we going? Yeah.


You're a fucking nerd And no one likes you You're a fucking nerd And no one likes you


Adam saved Lincoln!

That parade was the single greatest moment of my life.

More so than saving Lincoln?

No, that was the third greatest moment of my life.

What was the second?

A parade I attended as a child.

Oh, shit, you guys.

I left my phone back in the 1800s.

I fed some gum to a dinosaur.

As long as we're coming clean, I fucked Marilyn Monroe.


Yeah. Sure you did, buddy.

Who's a nerd now, motherfuckers, huh?

I'm Arthur Miller.

Oh, come... Come on!

You look like...

Come on, baby. You got this. Let him do it.

Let him do it. JACOB: We'll let him do it.

Come on. Something fucked something to make it happen.

It's easy. You just mash two things up together and then you nail him with it.

You look like... Kevin Yardley!

Who the fuck is Kevin Yardley?

A guy I went to high school with. Yeah, he looks just like him.

Boo! You suck at this!

I just get sick of explaining it to him.

How hard is it to understand time travel?

I mean, we get it. E equals MC squared.

Einstein's a stupid fucking idiot.

Right? Yeah.


ED SULLIVAN: Ladies and gentlemen, the Beatles!


You're fucking Ringo!

Damn it.

MAN: Apple is going to reinvent the phone.

Explain yourself.

I will not.

I'm Nick Webber.

I'm Jacob Dorchen.

I'm Adam Yates Stedmeyer.

I'm Lou Dorchen.

All that and one less minute tonight on 59 Minutes.


Yes! BOTH: The moon!

First man to save a President and go into space.

It was just a soundstage in New Mexico.

It wasn't real.


LOU: You knew that was gonna happen!

What did I keep saying? Protect the ears.

He was beating the shit out of me!

ANNOUNCER: Dorchen does it again!


Nothing but net. Nothing but net.

You're just gonna keep saying... Nothing but net!

(SINGING) You're a fucking nerd Come on. No way! I had sex with Marilyn Monroe!

You're a fucking nerd You're a nerd. You're a nerd Stop singing the song!

Nobody likes you Poindexter I won't listen to this song one more fuckin' time!

No, no!