Hotel Transylvania (2012) Script

Peek-a-boo!

No, no, no, no, no. l didn't mean to startle you, my little baby.

Hush, little vampire, don't say a word Papa's gonna bite the head off a bird

l vant to kiss your tush. l vant to kiss your tush!

Nice, but maybe a little more square footage. l want a lot of monsters here.

l'm gonna get you, little Mavis. l'm gonna get you!

What out there?

We never go out there.

Ever.

"And then the monsters ran away and were forced into hiding.

"But Harry the Human found them and jumped out from under their bed."

-l'm scared! -"And burned their clothes

"and bit their toes!

"And took their candy!"

Don't take my candy.

Babyclaws, you don't need to be frightened. l promised your mommy l would protect you forever.

My beautiful May-vay Let me wipe all your poop away Those humans are nas-tay So with Daddy you wiII stay And if a human tries to harm you l'll simply say...

Because you're Daddy's girl Daddy's girl l'm your Vlad-y daddy...

Just bend the legs and push off.

Trust me, mouse.

l can fly! l can fly!

Look at you!

Faster, baby! Faster!

You got it, my little voodoo doll!

Excuse me, sir.

What? What? l'm okay. lt's ready.

Looks good.

Only monsters can get in?

Absolutely. lt's hidden real nicely.

You got 400 acres of haunted forest in front of you.

You got the Land of the Undead on the perimeters.

Any humans daring to even look over there will run away real quick.

But, of course, be smart.

No bonfires, no firework shows.

Yeah, yeah, no, no. No fire, l get it, l get it.

lt's time, my darling Martha.

The place we always talked about for Mavis.

No one will ever harm her here.


Yeah, it's a mess back there.

Welcome to Hotel Transylvania!

Human-free since 1 898.

Your safest destination.

Take an itinerary. l have personally designed a spectacular schedule of events, all leading to my daughter's birthday extravaganza tomorrow.

We always look forward to coming every year, Count.

We enjoy the safety so much.

Of course. That's why we built it.

Yes, good evening.

Thank you, Marty.

You look pale, as well.

Sir, sir, sir!

We have an urgent plumbing issue.

Plumbing? On it.

Mr. Ghouligan!

There is a clogged toilet in room 348. lt's okay. We all get stomach aches, Mr. Bigfoot.

Hey, kids, reel it in.

You're only supposed to make Mom and Dad miserable.

Now, now, is that any way to behave?

This is a hotel, not a cemetery.

Sorry, Uncle Drac.

Drac! How are ya?

Wayne, my old friend!

Couldn't wait for this weekend.

Always great to be out of the shadows for a couple days.

The family looks beautiful.

Let me just clean up their filth.

Housekeeping!

Frankie, my boy! Look at you!

Still traveling by mail, Mr. Cheapo, huh? lt's not a money thing. l have a plane phobia, okay? l mean, at any moment, those engines could catch...

Fire! Yeah, yeah.

"Fire bad."

We know.

Augustus, Porridge Head, come on!

Does that look like Frankenstein's head?

Hey, Drac, buddy, what's going on with your cape there?

What do you mean?

Who pinched me?

Guilty. You're irresistible.

Yes, very amusing, lnvisible Man.

Hello. Great to "see" you.

Never gets old.

Missed me.

Missed me, missed me, missed me.

Okay, you win. Hold this bacon.

Why am l holding bacon...

No! Get 'em off!

Here comes the party!

Hello, Murray!

Drac, what's up, buddy?

The sand, Murray, the sand!

Always with the sand.

Wolfie! Wanda! Frank!

l love this guy.

He always bringing it full tilt.

You're looking skinny, too.

Now that you're just a head.

Okay, you'll pay for that.

So what's up, Drac?

The hotel is looking off the hook.

Hey, guys, watch this.

By the way, you were right about those directions.

Oh, good, good.

Yeah, l took the Tigris through the Nile, and there was absolutely no traffic.

You're kidding me.

Right in my lobby?

Drac, l swear, man, l don't run like that.

Housekeeping!

l was not the cause of that.

We're ready!

lf only Martha were here to see this.

She's always here, Wanda.

Okay, friends, l am so glad you are here to celebrate.

Another birthday for my sweet little Mavis, and another successful year of refuge from them!

These are recent human images our surveillance has uncovered.

They are getting fatter so as to overpower us.

And they are wearing less clothing, allowing more movement to strangle us or cut open our heads and put candy in them.

But they will never find us here.

Evil villain, you will never win!

Okie doke. The fun starts in 30 minutes.

Right now, l have to see my little girl.

She's not so little anymore!

Yes, she is!

What's going on out there?

Are we at the hotel?

Frank, did you book us for a tandem massage?

Did you get us a table at Hunchback's?

Did you do anything?

You're welcome.

What's going on?

Dad, you said that when l turned 1 1 8, l could go out into the world like every other adult that gets to come and go from this hotel.

"But, Mavey Wavey, it's not safe. Bleh, bleh-bleh."

Dad, 30 years ago, you promised. l remember, we were both eating mice, and you specifically said that you gave me your word.

Do not disturb.

-Do not disturb. -Do not disturb.

Do not disturb.

-Do not disturb. -Do not disturb.

-Do not disturb. -Good morning, Your Eminence.

Maid, clean up this room! lt's you. Glad you could make it.

-ls she up yet? -She's up.

She's ready to go. And by "go," l mean go. As in, go check the world out.

What you gonna do? What you gonna say? l got it covered. Please, relax. Just do yourjob.

Good morning, Mavey Wavey!

Happy birthday, my little mouse!

Thank you, Dad. l know it's my birthday. l have so much fun planned.

But first, we go catch some scorpions together, just the two of us, yes, dead-ums?

Dad, please, let me speak.

There's something we have to talk about.

You want to go out into the world. You can. l knew you were gonna say that.

But, Dad, you gave me your word, and you know that l know that a Dracula's word is sacred.

That our trust is the core of our...

Wait, what? l said you can go.

You're just playing with me.

No, no, no, no. You're old enough to drive a hearse now, you're old enough to make your own choices.

You can go.

Holy rabies! Holy rabies!

Whoa. Stop.

Wait a second, sweetfangs.

Where are you going?

Oh, well, l'm going to paradise, and this is just some stuff that l thought l would need.

-Paradise? -Yeah, you know. lt's that place out there where you and Mom met.

Auntie Wanda says you two were just like, Zing! l don't know from "Zing."

Where did you find that card? ln one of your drawers.

Why won't you ever tell me about how you met? lt's actually Hawaii.

Ha-what-what?

Look, honey, l know you're excited, but everyone has gone to great lengths to come see you on your birthday. l know. They always do.

But aren't l getting a little old for these parties? l love them, but l really want to see new things.

Maybe meet somebody my age.

Come on. No, no, don't do that.

Don't give me the pouty batface.

Okay, there is a human village just a little ways past the cemetery.

You could go there and be back in, like, 30 minutes or so. lt should be plenty for your first time.

Well, it's not Ha-wee-wee, but l guess it's still technically out there.

Okay, okay, okay!

Thanks for trusting me.

Of course, my little one. l gave you my word.

Hey, honey!

-Look at this! -Hey, guys.

You excited about tomorrow?

Not as excited as l am right now.

You're not gonna believe this, but Dad is letting me go out on my own to see a human village!

-What? -No!

Excuse me. Drac!

Have you lost it?

Letting your own daughter out there with those horrible humans you always tell us about?

That's why you built this place.

They hate us. They're vicious.

And they're very loud!

Auntie Eunice, maybe they've changed. l'm just gonna fly down the street and see how it goes.

Okay, honey, be safe.

Bring warm clothes and a sword.

And look out for pitchforks.

Don't you let anyone scoop your brains out, either.

Maybe stay in the shadows. lt's more fun to just observe from under a house.

Guys, guys. She can handle it.

She's a Dracula, for Pete's sake.

But seriously, watch out for fire.

Fire bad.

Bye, everyone.

Drac, l can't believe how calm you are about her leaving. l'm proud of you.

Drac? Drac?

Where did Drac go?

This is awesome!

There's the cemetery, just like Dad said.


Hello?

Anybody out there?

-Vampire. -Bite toes!

Hi, humans.

Everything okay? My name is Mavis Dracula, and l...

Vampire.

-Burn clothes. -Burn my clothes?

-Really? -Vampire!

-We take your candy. -Candy! l'm friendly. l really am.

-Calm down, now. -Candy. l just wanted to say hi.

Please. l've never hurt anyone. l'm homeschooled. ls that garlic?

Holy rabies, you're on fire.

Can l do anything? Can l help you?

Dad was right.

lt worked.

Now my baby will be safe forever.

All right, everybody, get back to work now.

Hey. You don't need a mannequin.

Leave the mannequin here. Come on.


Where you been?

Why you sneaking around?

Quiet.

Sweetheart, have you returned so soon?

Come in, Dad.

How'd it go? How was the big world?

How was it out there? lt was okay, Dad.

What? What's the matter?

Dad, you were right.

Humans are awful.

They were everything you said.

-They wanted to bite my toes. -Your toes?

And they had garlic on bread.

What? Look at me. l'm getting goose bumps, l'm so scared.

l'm so sorry, sweetheart. l hate that you had to see that. l'm so sorry l doubted you. l'll never leave here again.

Okay. Okay.

Look, Daddy's going to make you the bestest birthday ever.

Look what l brought you.

Your wormcakes.

Don't be sad anymore.

Remember, this is the year we open Mommy's present for you.

What did she get me?

We'll see.

She said never to open until you're 1 1 8.

We've waited this long.

You eat your wormcakes.

You come down whenever you're ready, honey.

What did you do?

What l had to.

She'll thank me one day.

Yeah, that's what the guy who shrunk my head said.

Yes, what do you want, a cookie?

You did all right, man.

Move on already.

Yeah.

Vampire! Vampire!

A human.

Who are you? And how did you find this place? l'm Jonathan.

And l was just mountain climbing with some dudes...

...and heard this story about a spooky forest.

And who's not going to go into a spooky forest, right?

So, then I see these goofy-looking dudes on fire.

And l just kind of followed them to this, like, amazing castle.

But, of course, be smart.

No bonfires, no firework shows.

-How many of you are there? -Just me. l like to hit it alone.

You meet so many awesome people in the youth hostels.

Hey, speaking of awesome, that cape thing is killing it. ls there, like, a costume party here?

What have l done?

This is all my fault.

You have to leave.

-Oh, no. -Excuse me.

One of your piranhas in the lake is very rude.

He ate my sister-in-law.

Be right with you.

Mr. Dracula, we asked for a room with a view of the pool.

The room's fine. We want to book a massage.

-Yes, Swedish. -Shiatsu.

-Aromatherapy. -Lower back.

-Do you have hot-stone? -We want a massage.

-l'll get back to you, Mr. Hydraberg. -l hope so.

-l doubt it. -See that you do.

-That's Ms. Hydraberg. -Thanks.

-Yes, nice to see you. -Dude, seriously, what's up? lt's kind of funky to breathe under here.

Drac. Hey, Drac. How'd it go with Mavey?

Hey. Where'd you go?

Wow!

This room's kind of small for a big castle.

No bed, but check out these awesome dustpans they give you.

Quiet, you fool.

What weapons are you keeping in this container?

Your pitchforks?

l can't breathe. lt's killing me.

Yeah, definitely due for a fluff and fold.

What is this?

A torture device?

A secret mind controller?

You won't read my thoughts. l won't let you.

Dude, it's just music.

Here, try it.

lt's taking my soul!

What? lt's a good jam. Don't be a grandpa.

You need to go.

No human has ever entered this castle. And if someone should see you, the safety of the hotel, the sanctuary, no one would ever come again.

Yeah, go for it.

"Ever come again!" l love your Dracula voice. lt's so over the top.

And Mavis, if she saw you, she would know that l lied. No!

Who's Mavis? ls this her room? l'm good with a roommate. l had six brothers growing up, so l could totally share. l can't kill him. lt would set monsters back hundreds of years.

One time, in Hamburg, l roomed with this dude who l caught stealing my shampoo. l said, "Whoa, man," and he threw a flower pot at me, but he was cool.

What are you babbling about?

What? Whoa.

Check out these awesome costumes.

Costumes.

What's this? Sorry, man. l just can't be without my backpack.

-You know, everything l own's in there. -lt'll be right here.

Okay, l just... l love my backpack.

Whoa. Hey, what are you doing?

What are you... What are you doing to my hair?

Stop. Oh, wait, that tickles.

Come on, man.

Check it out. l'm a Franken-homie.

-Yes, hello. -Look at me!

This is totally normal, not a problem here. This is just a monster with me.

Man, everybody stepped it up tonight.

Wait, why are we going to the front door? Are we leaving?

Bonjour, Dracula!

Hey, Sniffy. What's going on?

Not right now, Quasimodo.

What?

No. Don't be absurd. lt's not a human, but Monsieur Dracula.

How ridiculous. lt's me.

-The devilled lizard fingers. -Devilled lizard fingers? l asked for spleens-in-blankets.

You ugly fool! l told you, he doesn't like

-the lizard fingers! -But you said...

Whoa. Check that costume out.

Wow. Seriously, l just have to ask you: How are you pulling this off? l mean, it looks so real.

Like, l could just put my hand right through...

What do you think you're doing?

She's real. You're real!

Yeah, and l'll give you a real beating. Keep your hands out of my wife!

Oh, no.


Honey, l just didn't know where you were.

We thought you were still out.

Oh, no. l don't know why l ever wanted to leave.

The humans are so boring.

Mavis, honey, are you all right?

Yeah, l think so. That was weird.

My head hurts.

-Who is that? -Who is what?

Oh, that.

That is nobody.

-Seriously, Dad? -"Dad"?

Yeah, l know, Dracula's daughter. Everyone freaks out at first.

Dracula?

Okay, we got to go.

Please don't kill me. l'm so young. l have so many places l want to see. l've got tickets to six Dave Matthews Band concerts. l'm getting out of here.

Shut up already. lt's impossible for me to think with all your noise.

Sorry, Glen. Go back to sleep.

-Wait. Aren't you going to suck my blood? -Classic human paranoia.

Human blood is so fatty, and you never know where it's been.

So, Dracula doesn't drink blood?

No, l use a blood substitute.

Either Near Blood or Blood Beaters. You can't tell the difference.

So, wow, you're, like, the real Count Dracula.

Like, "l'm Dracula. Bleh, bleh-bleh." l've never said that in my life. "Bleh, bleh-bleh." l don't know where that comes from.

Can l just ask, what exactly is this place?

What is this place?

lt's a place l built for all those monsters out there, lurking in the shadows, hiding from the persecution of humankind.

A place for them and their families to come to and be themselves.

A place void of torches, pitchforks, angry mobs.

A place of peace, relaxation and tranquility.

Cool. So, it's like a hotel for monsters?

Yes, exactly. "A hotel for monsters." Way to sum it up.

Okay, hop on my back. We're leaving.

Oh, man, you're a bat now. l always wanted to fly. What's it like?

This is insane. Wait. Wait, l want to stay.

Can Frankenstein sign my costume? Can l meet the lnvisible Man?

Hey, if l stuck my hand in the lnvisible Man's mouth, -would it disappear? -Hi.

Mavey! What are you doing, my sweet little blood orange?

Our friend was just leaving.

Yeah, he was flying me out the window.

This guy, he's so funny.

Look, you have something on your face.

Play along if you ever want to see your precious backpack.

Whoa. So, wait, you didn't have any clothes on when you were a bat?

Or were they bat-sized?

Who exactly is that?

Honeybat.

You see, it's your birthday.

And you know l want you to have the bestest, specialest party of your life.

So, well, l needed some help.

You needed help?

Well, look, l am very good, but l thought it would be even more bestest, specialest if someone closer to your age helped plan the party.

-You're my age? -Sure.

Well, how old are you?

1 1 8.

One hundred and...

Yeah, l'm 1 21 .

Really?

You see? Everything is very, very normal. l'm throwing a party, and he's helping.

-Sir, there's an emergency. -Not now.

Can't you see we're in the middle of something very normal here?

Wait, what's going on here?

There's an emergency in your precious hotel, and you're not running to fix it?

Why? ls it because of him?

Whoa, look at my face.

No, precious bones, it's not because of him.

Good. Then go check on the emergency, and l'll keep him company.

-No! Anything but that! -What? l mean, because he needs time to plan.

And if you're keeping him company, then he's not planning.

He is company-keeping, and then the plan, it's... lt doesn't get planned.

-Good one. -Shut up!

Okay. So, maybe if you're not planning later, we can hang out.

-Sounds good. -Yes. You hear that? lt sounds good.

So you will hang out. See you later, my honey. Lovely.

Okay, you're not hanging out.

Because you are leaving.

But the opposite, you said.

But, sir, the emergency.

Follow me.

Boy, that kid smelled.

Where are we going?

Just getting rid of you through a secret tunnel so she does not see us.

So, can l ask you a question? ls that real, about the garlic thing?

Yes, l cannot have it. My throat swells.

Wooden stake to the heart?

Yeah, well, who wouldn't that kill?

Here we go.

l'm sorry. l'm a little lost.

Yes, l know it's your honeymoon. l apologize.

Go back to doing what you were doing.

l'm not down here much. lt's meant to be an exit if humans ever invade.

So, l'm, like, the first human here, huh? That's really cool.

Oh, boy. l think this is it.

-What's happening? -l'm terribly sorry.

-My mistake. -What is wrong with you people?

Oh, man. This place is amazing.

Okay, l could really use some silence right now.

All right, third time's a...

Drac.

Yes, Frankie?

Hey, buddy, what you been doing?

Don't move.

Never mind that. What you been doing?

We wanted to practice our big number for Mavis's party, and then these losers wouldn't get off the bandstand.

Okay. Put down Zombie Mozart, Bach and Beethoven this instant.

Did you get to rehearse at all, Zombie Beethoven?

Listen, Drac, we wanted to play something, like old times.

We even thought maybe you'd sing with us.

Come on, fellas. You know that l haven't sung in public since Martha.

Yeah, but we just thought how much, you know, Mavis would love it. l said no!

Don't ask me again!

Okay. Now, let's hug the zombies. Let's all make up.

-Wow. He really scared you. -l wasn't scared. l was being polite, okay?

Hey. What are you doing here? l thought you were planning. l never caught your name.

My name's Mavis.

Mavis? That's a pretty neat name.

Yeah, my mom picked it.

So, are you going to tell me your name?

Me? My name? Good question.

Well, obviously, l'm Frankenstein.

No, you're not. Frankenstein is my uncle over there.

The gentleman hugging Zombie Mozart.

Right. Of course, he's your uncle.

Well, see, l'm not "the" Frankenstein. l'm his cousin, Johnnystein.

-Johnnystein? -Hey, Mavis.

Who is that?

Are these monsters going to kill me?

Not as long as they think you're a monster.

Huh? That's kind of racist.

We'll talk later.

-ls he making fun of me? -No, no.

Of course he's not, because he's...

He's your cousin, Johnnystein.

Yes, yes, yes. l don't have no cousin.

No, no, you do. He's your sixth cousin, three times removed.

On your right arm's side.

You have a cousin?

Frank, if your arm could talk, he would tell you that the original owner of your arm had a brother.

Who married a woman.

-Who was... -For strangling a pig. l have pig-strangling blood in my arm?

That's kind of cool.

Well, cuz, great to meet you.

So, what brings you here, Johnny?

-What was that? -Oh, sorry. l should really clear my throat before l speak.

Anyway, what brings you here?

Party planner.

Yes, l have recruited Mr. Stein here to help me with Mavis's birthday party.

Wait a minute, you asked someone to help you?

Captain Control Freak? lt's Count... And yes, l thought having a Mavis contemporary would be useful.

Yeah, he totally needed a fresher perspective.

Okay, Johnny, Mr. Tight Coffin over here was planning to have these powdered lame-os play at the party.

So, anyways, we thought we could liven things up a bit.

Whoa! You all play? Let's check you guys out!

Girl l can't believe it's your big night Seems Iike onIy yesterday you were eating mosquitoes But now you're eating frogs and mice Scarfing them down Iike Doritos TeII me Where did the time go, girl?

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on, guys.

Stop.

That's cute, but kind of old school.

Yes, thank you, Johnny.

You got to totally tempo things up.

Here, let me show you.

Werewolf man, give me a jam!

Two, three, four!

Vampire girl with the fangy fangs Hair real cute with the bangy bangs Little princess gonna be a queen Legal bat lady turning 1 1 8

-1 1 8! -Say 1 1 8!

1 1 8!

Yeah! Stage dive!

Awesome. l am so blown away right now. l think my cuz is gonna make this the best party ever!

Yeah! Maybe he can find a way to get me some chicks.

We should do a dance contest!

We're not doing any of that.

We've got to stay on schedule, all right?

All right, Dad, all right.

-Johnny, you're coming, too. -l don't know.

-ls it cool with Dracula? -Johnny, come with us.

N-27.

G-61 .

Bingo! Bingo!

How dare you.

Do you know what doctor made me? l didn't do that.

Circles?

Fly?

-Hands? -Film.

-Vomit. -The Vomit?

-The Throw Up. -No. That wasn't a clue.

Nothing?

-Emptiness? -Glasses?

-Glasses? -Glasses shaking?

Glasses shaking sideways!

Through The Looking-GIass? l stink at this.


l didn't do that.

And pull it back. And up. And push.

And twist. And back.

And up. And twist.

And push.

No. Don't copy that.

And back. And up. And twist.

Let me get a bubonic moose nose omelet with cockroach paste and mouse jelly.

And with egg whites.

Bonjour, Monsieur Dracula!

May l make you an omelet?

No, no, no, no. l'm not hungry.

What? Esmeralda, you smell it again?

-Human? -l am hungry.

Johnny, you've been to the Taj Mahal?

Come on. No monster's been to the Taj.

Man, l wish l could go there.

You know what? l'll take 50 omelets.

You heard the man! Make them!

How did you deal with the mobs?

Yeah, it does get pretty crazy in the summer.

But, you know, you just got to roll.

He just rolls. That's cool that he rolls.

Yes, yes, cool.

Look, love droppings, l brought you a bagel with your favorite, scream cheese.

Holy rabies. Thanks, Dad.

Johnny, try some scream cheese, it's awesome.

Oh, cool.

But l'm scream cheese intolerant. So, polite pass.

Yes, of course you are.

Johnny, can we party-plan talk for a minute?

What are you doing? lf they find out you are human, they'll go bat poop!

Relax. No one suspects anything.

The only thing that looks weird is how much whispering you're doing.

Just wrap it up. You will say you are going in the pool and act excited.

And then you will say you hurt your back and you have to leave.

Here come good times!

Oh, dudes. Oh, my back. l'm on your back!

No, no. He said, "Oh, my back."

-Get on my back! -Let's do it.

Here we go. Chicken fight! Push them off!

Chicken fight!

We got you, Johnny.

-You're going down. -Whoa.

Oh, yeah, we'll see, "Mavey Wavey."

Okay, calm down with the fight chickens!

Everyone, stop the roughhousing!

Frank, if you hurt yourself... l got it, honey.

The Stein boys are bred for this kind of thing.

Geronimo!

Kids, why'd you do that? l was just in the pool.

The water's cold.

Don't judge me!

Johnny. Your makeup.

Your makeup!

Climb out. Now.

Oh, man. l guess the Count wanted to go for a swim.

Cannonball!


You messed up, baby. You messed up big-time. l told you to take it down.

You'll ruin my hotel if they find out.

Well, maybe you're just jealous that people are finally having fun at this place.

Oh, that? That was not fun.

Everyone running, jumping, swimming with no order.

That was the opposite of fun.

Do you even know what fun is? l invented fun!

Boy, the wrong people get to be immortal.

Look at me.

You remember nothing of this encounter.

You have no memory of this place or the monsters you met.

Now go and never return.

Wait, never return to the hotel?

What? You were supposed to forget the hotel. l just used my powers to erase your memory. l looked straight into your eyes.

Maybe it's the contact lenses.

-The what? -These little plasticky doodads that help me see better.

Here, let me just try and get them out real quick.

Oh, that is the most disgusting thing l've ever seen!

-Almost got it. -Stop doing that. Please stop doing that!

Fingers away from the eyeballs! Enough!

Listen to me. You are never to return here.

You are to stay away and never tell humans about this place.

Or l will track you down and suck every ounce of blood from your body until you look like a deflated whoopee cushion!

Be gone.

Can't believe l'm leaving, man. That could have been so great!

Dude ruined everything. Suck my blood. l should have just said, "l'm staying, old man!"

Give him a Bruce Lee kick. Right in the...

Oh, my God. Count Dracula. Please don't kill me. l'm leaving, l'm leaving.

-Follow me. -No, no, Mavis, l can't. l have to leave.

-You sure? lt'll be fun. -Okay.

He's not gonna see me, is he?

Wow, would you look at the view from up here?

-You could almost see Budapest. -Who-da-pest? ls that near Ha-wi-fi?

You mean Hawaii. Yeah, that place is a knockout. l just went to a music festival there.

A human music festival? l believe so.

So, did they all bite your toes and shove garlic bread in your face?

No. Well, one dude took a bigger bite out of my energy bar than l expected, but l blame that on the heat. lt's amazing. You've been everywhere.

Well, you know, what's the alternative?

Just staying at home, never exploring, never seeing what's out there? l'm only gonna be 1 21 once, right? Got to live it.

Yeah.

Oh, man. The sunrise from here must be... l'm sorry.

Man, you've probably never even seen a sunrise, have you?

No, not really. Why?

Come on. l have an idea.

Watch.


Didn't l tell you guys we'd have fun in here? ls this not the best?

Yeah, l'm working up a nice sweat.

When's that Johnny kid gonna be done party planning?

-He's a great hang. -Yeah, he's an animal.

And it was so nice seeing Mavis laughing and hitting it off with him.

Who's hitting what off? Please.

Mavis could never be with someone of his kind. l'm sorry? "His kind"?

You're saying our kind's not good enough for you, "Your Lordship"?

No, no, no! Frank, l didn't... l meant that she wouldn't be into someone with such red, curly hair.

What's wrong with red, curly hair?

-Why are you getting upset? -l have red curly hair!

Well, how was l supposed to know that?

This is the most incredible thing l've ever seen.

Johnny?

Look, settle down, fellas.

This is all a moot point because Johnny, he left.

Wait a minute. He left?

Yes. He decided he didn't like Mavis, or any of us.

Hi. l guess Johnny had second thoughts.

l can't believe you stuck around, man. You don't get it.

Bad things are coming your way. l got to get my thoughts together.

Okay.

You see these tables?

You can spend the entire day pulling them out and placing them, party planner.

Fantastic. l'm trapped here.

Now l know how your daughter feels.

Enough! Enough! Stop!

Go to a corner, you're in a timeout!

Timeout? l'm a grown man!

Okay. Table 57, please move to position 23.

-That is cool. -Face the wall.

1 7 to 48. 1 6 to 47. 1 9 to 50.

-Awesomeness. -Just let me do my work.

29 to 35.

42 to 1 8. 1 0 to 44.

1 7, 1 8, 1 9, 20, 21 , 22, 23.

39 to 24.

36 up!

29 to 35.

31 to 1 9.

24 up!

Seven to 25. 14 to 30.

-Where'd you go, grandpa? -Don't freak out, gravity face.

Eat my dust, gray fangs!

56 and 43, to my side.

Prepare to cry, Billy Backpack.

-That's how we do it! Half-pipe, baby! -Whatever.

Yes. Keep smelling.

You catch the human, and then l will make human potpie!

27, 45, 65, 76, 48, block his path.

Block his path!

Come on now, dude man!

Nice!

l got you, buddy.

Do not disturb!

People trying to sleep here!

Did you see that?

Who is that guy, Sir Breaks-a-lot?

Oh, boy, l have to say, that was fun. Okay?

The fun you were talking about earlier? Nailed it!

Johnny?

Quasimodo!

Mavis? Why are you still up? The sun is out. lt could kill you, my honeyguts. l couldn't sleep. Do you know where Johnny went? l don't know. He...

Why do you want to know?

-Do you like him? -What?

No. Come on, Dad. He's so weird and awkward. lt's like, are you an idiot or do you know you're adorable?

Hold that.

-Do you have a location on Quasimodo? -Yes, sir.

They're heading through the lobby, towards the kitchen. l need them stopped immediately.

-ls that clear? -Yes, quite.

We are on it.

Missed!

What is the meaning of this? Let me pass!

Quasimodo Wilson, you are coming with us.

Why did that hurt me?

Look, honey, there's no falling in love at your age.

Mom was my age. Eunice says Mom kissed you first

'cause you were too scared to make the first move.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Forget about me and Mom and kissing.

Dad, at some point, l'm going to get married.

-l can't be here forever. -What? Why not?

You're barely out of your training fangs.


Quasi wins again!

When you bump with the hump, you land on your rump!

But why all the sudden interest?

Every time we used to talk about love, it was always, "Dad, that's gross," and "Dad, l don't want to know about that." l don't know.

-Sir, he made it into the kitchen. -He what?

What do l pay you for? l'm sorry, honey. l have to go.

He doesn't pay me.

Before you kill me, can l please talk to my backpack one more time? l don't want to leave anything unresolved.

Bonjour, Monsieur Dracula!

Shut your hump hole.

Now you are helping him?

What is it with you and this human?

He is not human. He's a Stein!

That's right, little man, l'm a Stein! lf he is a monster, let him scare Esmeralda!

The mouse?

Without a doubt.

Okay. Here we go.

A human! A human!

Monsieur Dracula has brought a human into the...

Esmeralda, help me.

Hey, thanks for saving me back there. That guy's crazy! Trying to eat me.

That's only happened to me one other time. This weird dude at a Slipknot concert.

There's something l need to show you.

Wow.

Hey, are we at a funeral right now?

Oh, wait, no, it's your bed.

So creepy and cool.

Wow! l know her! l've seen that picture at the ruins of Lubov. That's my favorite castle.

-There's a whole legend around that lady. -A legend?

The Lady Lubov.

The story is that a lonely count met her by chance, and they say that no two souls were ever more meant for each other.

Eventually, they settled down at CastIe Lubov and had a chiId.

But then, a horrible tragedy happened.

A fire started mysteriously one night, and it kiIIed both of them.

When l was at the castle, l could still feel their powerful love.

They say it's as if a soul is still trapped in the ruins themselves.

The legend is wrong. lt was only the wife that died.

And it was no mystery who killed her.

She was killed by your kind!

Vampire!

-Honey? -Go hide. l'll take care of this.

Vampire!

Martha!

They are the real monsters.

l built this place for my love, to protect her child.

As a father, you do everything to keep your family safe, even if you have to break their trust.

But now, Mavis has feelings for you.

What? l just...

-Awesome. -lt's all right.

You are a good one. lf the world was different, maybe it would be possible.

Drac, this is the 21 st century.

People aren't the same as they were back then.

Can you tell me for certain that if we came out in the open, everyone would accept us?

Everyone?

No. You're right. l'll go for good this time.

You can just say l had some emergency, or the gremlin lady ate me or something.

No, no, no, no, no. l don't want to ruin her birthday party.

You can sneak out after it's all done. l'm sorry.

The last thing l wanted was to hurt her.

Or you.

You know, you're not the smoothest Frankenstein, but you'd make a great vampire.

For real?

'Cause l think l kind of got your hypno-eyes down.

Oh, boy, here we go. Let me see it.

Beware! For you are in my power. l command you to be the werewolf man!

l have too many kids.

Someone scratch me, l have fleas.

'Cause he's a wolf, he'd get those.

Yeah, no, don't explain it. lt's not funny when you do that.


l didn't order a wake-up call.

Count Dracula arranged it for all the rooms.

Where's the snooze button?

There will be no snoozing. The party's today.


Yeah, perfecto.

Girl l can't believe it's your big night You ate your frogs, now the party's so right Where did the time go, girl?

And, girl, you used to suck a binky Look at you now You're sucking blood right out of the cow Wow.

You look beautiful.

Thanks. Thanks for the party.

Yeah, you like my little touches?


lt's amazing.

-Terrific party. -You really outdid yourself, Drac.

Got to be the best one l've been to in 500 years.

Sorry, big man.


Mavis? l'm crazily scared right now.

Maybe that's a good thing.

How could you? After l shared my pain with you?

-But, no... -Dad, it was just a kiss.

No, you're not allowed to kiss.

Dad, l'm allowed to do things. l'm not 83 anymore. l'm allowed to like people, or go see the world again.

What? You saw it! You said you didn't like it!

Maybe l want to give the village another chance. l just need to learn, you know, just how to roll with it, like Johnny does.

No, no, you can't go to the village again.

Maybe you can make them see that we could be friends.

No, that isn't possible.

Well, you can't be sure. lt's all in how you present yourself.

-No, that won't make a difference! -How do you know?

-Because it just won't! -Why? Why won't it?

Because that village doesn't really exist!

What do you mean "doesn't exist"?

What did you do? l did what l had to do.

What was it?

What exactly did you have to do? Tell me! l... l built the town. The staff put it all together.

The zombies dressed up as the townspeople.

Please. lf you really went out there and something happened to you, l just couldn't live with myself.

But you can live with this? Lying to me? Tricking me?

Keeping me here forever when you knew my dream was to go.

Liar! Liar!

Oil?

English, please.

Your voice is really annoying.

Wait, l speak frozen.

He says, "Dracula has brought a human into the hotel."

-A human? -Stay close, pookie!

He says, "There is ze human."

He has a French accent.

Johnny's not a human. He's my right arm's cousin.

-He's lying. -Yeah.

And why is he picking his nose?

He says, "lt's a long story."

Hey, wait, no! Get off me!

He says, "Behold ze human."

l don't believe it.

ls it true? Are you a human?

Yes. l'm so sorry. l don't care. l still want to be with you.

Well, tough. 'Cause l don't want to be with you.

Because you're a monster. And l hate monsters.

Goodbye.

Please don't hurt me!

This is all your fault!

-We're getting out of here. -l'm never coming back here.

-l thought l smelled a human. -"Human-free"? What a rip.

Here he comes. Count Crock-ula. l'm just glad my eyes are stitched shut, 'cause l don't even want to...

Mavis, honey, are you in there?

Mavis? Mavis?

Mavis, where are you?

Mavis?

Dad, can you do me a favor?

Yes, yes, of course, darling. Anything.

Will you erase my mind?

No, no, no, no. No, l won't do that. There's too much l want you to remember.

You were right, Dad. The humans hate us.

Sweetheart, there are so many eligible monsters out there.

You're so young to...

What is it? What are you reading?

"Two lonely bats crashed in the night.

"They felt a Zing. Love at first sight.

"They knew right then they would be husband and wife.

"For a Zing only happens once in your life.

"Your Zing will come, my love.

"Cherish it.

"Love, Mommy."

-l thought we Zinged, Dad. -You and Johnny? l guess it was only me.

But you should be happy, Dad. There's no reason for me to leave. l have no more dreams. l'm just like you now.


Martha, what have l done?

-Where is my bill? -Over here. l'm next.

-l'm checking out. -Take my key! Take my key!

What is this minibar charge?

Honey, the kids threw the minibar out the window.

-And that's our fault? -Well...

Excuse me! Pardon, yeah.

Excuse me, l got a couple of people to express mail.

Friends, please, stop. lt's too late, rat-bat!

Please, l'm begging you. l need you to help me find Johnny.

The human? He could've killed us!

He touched my guitar!

He put his hand in my mouth to see if it would disappear.

He let me eat his scooter! l know l lied. l was wrong.

But you have to believe this:

Johnny wasn't a bad guy.

The truth is, l don't even know if humans are bad anymore.

Frank, come on, buddy. You understand.

He's not talking to you.

First you tell us humans are bad, now they're good.

What else? Up is down, cold is hot, gremlins don't smell.

Hey! l really liked Johnny, cousin or no. He told fun stories. l think they Zinged.

They Zinged?

But l got in the way.

You only Zing once in your life.

-Oy, now you're short-circuiting. -l don't care!

Well, what are we doing? Let's get Johnny. Come on!

-Yeah, let's do it! -Come on!

Yeah!

We should have honeymooned at your parents!

Okay, okay, where am l going?

The human world, before Johnny's gone forever.

But what about the sun? l don't know. l'll just have to roll.

He just rolls. Rollability.

So we follow his boot-prints.

When they run out, that's where you come in, Wayne.

-Me? -There!

Yes, l knew something would fall out of that backpack.

That stinks!

Work your magic.

Wait, you want me to track the smell?

No. My sniffing tracking days are way behind me.

Do you know how many diapers l've changed?

How many number twos have destroyed this thing?

But...

Hey! Take it easy! Watch it!

Sit.

Smell. l said smell.

Not me, the shirt! The shirt!

Do any of your kids still respect you?

Give me a second. Yeah. Winnie! Front and center!

He got into a car. A '86 Fiat. lt needs a little transmission work, but otherwise okay. lt drove through town to the airport. Flight 497.

8:00 a.m. departure.

That's in 1 5 minutes.

Seat 23A.

He ordered the vegetarian meal.

Okay, thank you, cutie.

Now, all of you, go back to your mother!

Sheep!

High five! Don't leave me hanging.

-Lots of sheep! -l got this one.

What? Now there's no sheep in the road. Let's go.

That was pretty sick, man.

You eat lamb chops, it's the same thing.

We don't have time for this. Come on, let's move it!

Look, a human.

Welcome to Transylvania!

That was trippy.

Monster Festival?

What's a Monster Festival?

Did they know we were coming?


They like us?

Really?

Excuse me? Do you know the best way to the airport?

Yes, fellow Dracula. There's only one way. Bleh, bleh-bleh.

But it's all blocked. We'll never make it in time.

You should have left an hour earlier. Bleh, bleh-bleh. l do not say "Bleh, bleh-bleh."

All right, let's just run through it on foot.

Drac, this'll protect you. lmagine if that guy knew he was talking to the real Drac.

He'd run for the hills!

Hold it, now. Hold it, now.

That sounds spot on.

But the only way they'd know the real us is if we show the real us.

This could work.

You mean, like, scare them? We haven't scared people in centuries. l don't even think l have it in me anymore.

l got nothing. l really got nothing.

Let's just move this along.

Fire! Fire!

Fire!

l'm trying to scare you!

The real Frankenstein!

We know! We love you!

Can you sign my torch?

Listen, before anything else, down there's the real Dracula!

Prove it.

All right. Continue.

Drac's daughter's in love, and he's got to get to the airport!

And he can't get through this crowd!

-Why doesn't he fly? -The sun, you idiot. He's a vampire.

That's right. Thank you, Monster Nerd.

So, people, if you really are our friends, clear a path for the man!

Okay. All Draculas, line up. Bleh, bleh-bleh.

Everyone else, lift the capes. Protect our friend. Bleh, bleh-bleh.

lt's all for you, buddy.

Go ahead.

-Good luck! -Go get 'em!

Go, Drac, go!

-Go, Drac! -Go, Drac!

Go, Drac!

Go get 'em!

Go, Drac, go!

We love you, Dracula!

There's no choice.


Okay. Okay, l must do this.

Jonathan. Jonathan, can you hear me?

Tell me, do you dream of being a vampire?

This is how we're represented. Unbelievable.

Jonathan. Jonathan.

Can you hear me?

Whoa! Bat!

Wait, it's talking. Dracula? ls that you?

Dracula. l can't understand you.

What? My hand's in a tan shoe?

What? Japan's eating lamb stew?

Hey, do you know you're smoking?

Pardon me. Sorry, excuse me.

Whoa! Excuse me.

-What the heck? -How'd a bat get up this high?

Folks, l'm gonna turn on the seat belt sign. Just a precaution while we...

While we hear a special announcement for my dear friend Jonathan.

Dracula?

My dear boy, l have made a terrible mistake. l was trying to keep my baby to myself, because l knew l would always protect her.

But I reaIize now, chiIdren need to discover things for themselves.

They'll stumble and fall, laugh and cry, but such is Iife.

The truth is, you and Mavis are meant to be.

You Zinged. lf she must give her trust to someone else, l'm thankful that it is you, Jonathan. l hope you can hear me and forgive me.

Okay, foIks, we're going to make a quick turnaround to refuel, and then we'll be back on our way.

Quit your whining! I'm burning up out here!

Dad? l'm fine. l'm just a little sunburned.

Honey, l always thought the worst thing ever would be seeing you go.

But the worst is seeing you unhappy.

Mavey, l want you to live your life.

l don't know how l'm supposed to do that.

You know, Mommy already gave you her birthday present.

Can l now give you mine?

What do l need this for? lt comes with an accessory.

-You? -You.

Why are you back?

'Cause you're my Zing, Mavis. l'm your Zing?

But you told me you hate monsters.

Yeah, well, l was afraid your dad was gonna suck all the blood out of my body if l didn't say that. l wouldn't have...

No, he's right, l would have done that.

-Dad. -l was wrong, Devil-chops.

Do you really mean it, Dad?

Go make your own paradise.

Can we try that kiss over again? l think we can.

Sorry. l just... l got to get used to that.

Go. Do your thing.

Stop! Stop!

l thought l found a love but she was just a fling And then l met a girl and felt a different thing lt's like you're hit in the ring Like you're pulled by a string Can't breathe like you're choking on a chicken wing lt was a thing called a Zing and l wanted to sing And Iisten to baIIads of the man named Sting Lady looks in your eyes and it's suddenly spring Like when NaIa Iooked at Simba in The Lion King

Zinging in the air and I don't have a care l'm winging from the Zing that we shared Zinging in the rain Now l'm feeling no pain lt's a real time for celebrating

'Cause you're my Zing Drac, you ready to throw down?

No, no, l just came closer to hear you better.

Come on, just give it a try.

All right, maybe just a little.

So Iisten aII you Zingers from here to Beijing You better crash the box spring Get ready to cIing

'Cause if Iove was money you'd be yelling cha-ching Next to a Zing Cupid's arrow's a IittIe bee sting lt was a Zing and a zang and a zingidy-dee And there was only one lady in the Zing for me

'Cause when you're dinged by the Zing You better know one thing The only bling you gonna sling ls a wedding ring

Zinging in the air Now I don't have a care l'm winging from the Zing that we shared Zinging in the rain Now l'm feeling no pain lt's a real time for celebrating

'Cause you're my Zing Feel the Zing, y'all Ba-da-bing, y'all Gonna knock you right out of that ring, y'all Better bring, y'all Happening, y'all Pay attention to the undead king, y'all


Housekeeping!


l didn't do that.