House of 1000 Corpses (2003) Script

Attention, boils and ghouls, it's time for Dr. Wolfenstein's

"Creature Feature Show."


The doctor is in.

Don't scream. Don't move.

Stay tuned for Channel 68's Halloween Eve movie marathon.

I'm your host, your ghost host with the most, Dr. Wolfenstein.

I will be with you until the end.

Howdy folks. Black Blood.

Violence. Freaks of Nature.

Come on down to Captain Spaulding's Museum of Monsters and Madmen.

See the Alligator Boy.

Ride my famous Murder Ride.

Most of all, don't forget to take home some of my tasty fried chicken.

It just tastes so damn good.

... with a meat cleaver.

See it, hear it, and actually feel it.

Coming after you to rip your flesh apart.

Unbelievable but true.

See it, hear it, and actually feel it.

Shit, I can't do nothin' with this. I can't get rid of this.

It ain't worth nothin', my name's all over it.

I was fixing it to trade it to Jackie Cobb.

That retard that hangs out at Molly's Fruit Stand?

Yeah. For the life of me I cannot understand why you hang out with that asshole.

He's one horny retard.

Well, ain't they all? All they wanna do is eat and fuck.

If you knew him, you might understand his urges.

Worse than a rabid-ass baboon.

You know what his favorite thing is next to whacking his weasel?

He takes a sharpened pencil and sticks it in his eyeball and twists it.

What? He doesn't hurt himself though, he kind of twists it right next to his eyeball.

He'd been putting that pencil someplace other than his eyeball.

He don't do nothin' like that. Although, once he got caught with a "Planet of the Apes" doll stuck up his asshole.


They had to take him to the hospital.

Kid had Dr. Zaius stuck halfway up his butt.

Couldn't get it out.

Did you fix the toilet? Yes, I did, and I don't want you stuffing any goddamn paper towels down there.

I had to snake the shit out that thing.

Here you go.

You bust that crapper and I'm gonna bust your ass.

I hear ya.

Mary, fucking Moses, ya'll get the fuck outta here.

Hold it, clowney. Keep your paws where I can see them.

Don't move. I'll blast a hole the size of a Kansas City watermelon through your ugly ass, Bozo face.

What the fuck is that supposed to mean?

Go grab that other asshole out of the shitter and drag his ass back in here. Right.

You miserable motherfu... I ought to jump over this counter and bash your fucking balls in.

All right, Tippy, hand over the cash box and I might leave your brains inside your skull.

I'll tell you what, Ski King, why don't you just take your mama home some chicken and then I won't have to stuff my boot all up in ya ass!

I don't like chicken!

And I hate clowns!

Put that shit down. Put it down!

That is it!

I'm gonna count to 10 and you're gonna hand over all the cash, or I'm gonna splatter your grease-paint mug across the state line.

One... Fuck yo mama.

Two... Fuck yo sister.

What are we gonna do?

I know you, you work at the hardware store, right?

Richard Wick, right? Shut your trap.

Quiet down, both of you!

Three... Fuck yo grandma.

I remember now. All the guys made fun of you.

Called you Little Dick Wick. Shut up!

Stop singing, I hate that song.

Put your fucking mask back on.

Fuck it!

Most of all, fuck you!

Goddamn motherfucker got blood all over my best clown suit.

How many want to touch this afternoon?

Raise your hand if you want God to touch you.

I'm gonna pray that God will give you a divine touch...

...the US Department of Agriculture is checking whether state meat and poultry inspectors are good enough to allow the product to go on sale nationally.

The USDA has said...

Man, some of these Manson chicks are really hot.

Shit, how are we almost out of gas?

And this squeaky, right here, now that's a girl you would date.

Jerry, how much did you put in? I don't know? Two, three bucks.

Two, three bucks? I told you to fill...

Bill, feel me, am I made of money? Get off. Jesus Christ, Jerry.

Don't panic yourself there way too much, caffeine guy.

I wouldn't be drinking so much coffee if you did your share of the driving.

You know I don't have nightvision. Oh, not this again.

Seriously, I can't even make out the lines in the road.

If you wanna pull the car over, I'll be more than happy to kill us out in the middle of nowhere.

Besides, there's a billboard right there.

Captain Spaulding's Museum of Monsters and Madmen.

Awesome, great! Fried chicken and gasoline.

Next exit, there you go, problem solved and we didn't have to freak out. It was a real big deal.


All right.

I'll pump the gas. Go inside and see if it's worth checking out.

Okay, Mr. Cranky.

Holy... crap!

You gotta see this place. It's boss.

How boss? Really fucking boss.

Like, wake up the chicks and break out the camera boss?

Hell, yeah.

Wakey, wakey! Eggs and bacon.

Hey, sweetie, come on.

Grab Mary and get your stuff and come on inside.

Bill and I found a kick-ass place. Come on, move, move!

Let's go.

Come on, Sleeping Beauty, it's time to go to work.

What's in that case over there?

Hairless monkey.

Did you see the crocodile boy?

How'd you like to find that in your pants?

Excuse me, sir? Howdy. Hi.

I love this place. How long have you been running this place?

Well, uhm... How long's a piece of string?

I don't know.

Too goddamn long, that's how long.

Too goddamn long, that's right.

Right, I hear that, but how long, actually?

Oh, shit, I don't know exactly.

I took over for my pa, right after the Duke damned Oscar.

Oh, you mean John Wayne. Hell, son.

How many dukes do you know about?

Greatest American ever lived. Look at that.

"Circle up the wagons, pilgrims."

"Whatever you say, cowboy."

I'm not that much of a Western fan.

I like science-fiction.

Ah-hhh. Space boy.

I figured as much.

Let me ask you something.

How come you're asking so many jackassy questions?

My friends and I, we're driving across country writing this book on off-beat roadside attractions, the crazy shit you see when you're driving across the country.

I don't drive cross country.

But if you did.

But I don't.

Yeah, but supposing for a second that you did.

You little dickens, you.

I know what your problem is.

What's that?

Ya'll think us folks from the country's funny-like, don't you?

Jerry... Well, saddle up the mule, ma.

Slide me some grits, I's got to get me some education.

Jerry... You asshole.

No, I'm really very interested, I'm not trying to make fun.


You are such a bad clown.

Oh, fuck me, Side Sally, who the hell'd wanna read about all this horseshit anyway?

You'd be surprised.

Son, look around.

Would I be surprised?

Finally. Great, great. Come on, we paid for the tickets.

Let's go, let's go, let's go. What tickets?

This isn't everything. There is actually a murder ride.

A murder ride? I don't want to go on a murder ride.

Yes, you do wanna go on a... No, I don't.

Hey, how about if we skip the murder ride?

Hey, how about if we go?

Anytime this year, people. Tour is about to begin.

Okay, we'll see you inside the murder ride, we'll be back. Bye.

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, children of all ages, you are about to enter the world of darkness, a world where life and death are meaningless, and pain is God.

Pain! Billy, let's go.

Quit that, sport. Sorry, Captain Spaulding.

We gonna have a good time now.

On your right, you will see the infamous Albert... Fish.

Masochist, sadist, child killer and most importantly, cannibal.

Mr. Fish, born 1870 and enjoyed spankings with nail-studded paddles, stuffing needles deep into his groin.

I have a question. How many... Hold all questions.

No, no, help.

Lizzie fucking Borden.

Now, one of our most famous crazies, the psycho of Plainsfield, Mr. Ed Gein.

Murderer, cannibal, Mr. Gein used to take great pleasure of playing with dead bodies of women, especially, their sexual organs.

Now, one of our local heroes, S. Quentin Quale, aka Dr. Satan.

Oh shit!

Murderer, torturer, but most of all, master surgeon.

Mr. Quail was an intern at Willows County Mental Hospital, nicknamed Weeping Willows for the neverending cries of pain.

Through primitive brain surgery...

Jerry, stop it. Mr. Quail believed that he could create a race of superhumans from the mentally ill.

Vigilante justice prevailed.

They took his ass out and hung him.

And that infamous hanging tree is no more than a stone's throw away from where y'alls' ass is now seated.

But the next day his body was found to be missing.

Until today no trace of Dr. Satan has ever been discovered.

But then, who knows?

Maybe he lives next door to you.

Tour's over. Exit through the doors.

That was so bad-ass.

Dr. Satan. Ah-hhh, Dr. Satan.

Maybe he lives next door to you.

Calm down, it was all right.

Do you think maybe we could go now?

I'm gonna go call my dad. I'll be right back.

I love you.

What do you mean, it was all right?

It was cool, but it wasn't that great.

Dude, you don't have to play it down in front of your chick.

Oh. Thank you.

Don't move a muscle, an artery, Or a vein.

Hello? - Hey, Dad.

Wow, Denise. We stopped for gas at this place called Captain Spaulding's, somewhere outside of Ruggsville.

It turned into this whole big thing, so we're behind schedule.

Don't be too late.

I forgot to tell you that Halloween falls on a school night so they're trick-or-treating tonight.

Your left hand shows your past; your right hand shows your future.

Good evening. I'm Lance Brockwell and this is the 7:00 news. And our top story tonight, investigators still have no leads to the strange disappearance of the five cheerleaders from Ruggsville High School.

Cindy Thompson, Karen Murphy, Allison Cole, Valarie Green, and Dawn Baker were last seen four days ago leaving a football game.

I know it seems stupid, but I really wanna see this tree.

Do yourself a favor, son, just forget about it.

Oh, come on, I live for this shit.

Okay, all right, I'll draw you a damn map.

Thank you. I still say it's a waste of time.

You are here. Go straight up this road.

Make the first right. First left.

Come straight across and down.

Can't find it? Tough.

Here's your map. Right on.

Here's your complimentary chicken. Oh, wow.

Don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out.

You're gonna get a great write-up for this.

Here's an idea, let's just skip it. It's probably nothing anyway.

Christ, Jerry, Bill is right, we can't see anything.

What's that?


What? Should we stop? We can't leave her in the rain.

Stick her in the front if you wanna pick her up so bad.

So, uh, where ya headed? I was just going home.

Home, where's that? A couple miles up the road.

So, you live around here? Yeah.

Do you know where this Dr. Satan tree's at?

Yeah. You know where that's at? It's right by my house.

I can show you. Really?

So, it is a real thing. Fuck you.

So, a tree? Where's it at?

What tree? Okay, this is crazy.

She obviously doesn't know anything.

Oh, I know, I'll show you where it's at.

Whatever you need to do, you do it.

There is no wrong.

If someone needs to be killed, you kill 'em.

That's the way.


I think we blew a tire.

Oh poop. Oh, hell.

At least we got that spare.

You filled it up like I asked, right?

Yeah, yeah.

Okay, what if I forgot to put it back in the trunk?

What would plan B entail?

Jesus Christ, Jerry. Technically I did what you said.

Oh for fucking sake, Jerry, what're we gonna do now?

I can't rightly say if I know, me ladies.

Wait, I love this song.

Would you turn the radio off, please?!


We can walk to my house from here.


My brother's got a tow truck. He can come get your car.

I'll go, it's my fault. Forget it, I'm going.

No, Bill, I... You guys stay here.

There's no sense in everyone getting drenched.

Returning to the news, local authorities still have no lead in the mysterious disappearance of the five cheerleaders from Ruggsville. The girls were last seen leaving a cheering competition...

It was loud enough to wake the dead.

That's an idea. What is?

Wouldn't it be dramatic? Supposing the people inside were dead, all stretched out with the lights quietly burning about them.

I'm sure it would be very amusing.

Why you ask? Why is not the question.


Now, that is a question worth examining.

How could I, being born of such conventional stock, arrive a leader of the rebellion?

An escapist from a conformist world, destined to find happiness only in that which cannot be explained.

I brought you here for a reason.

But unfortunately, you and your sentimental minds are doing me no good.

My brain is frozen, locked.

I have to break free from this culture of mechanical reproductions and the thick incrustations dying on the surface.

Oh, Christ.

Fuck it.

These are all my dolls.

I used to chop their heads off and their arms and stick them up on the wall.

The door's locked, I gotta go around.

Just wait here.

Jesus Christ! Don't do that.

You scared the shit out of me.

You ain't seen nothing yet.

Is your brother ready to go? Yeah, he already left.

Come on, inside. What? He left?

Come on and get toasty.

Don't worry about it, he's fine.

I just don't understand why...

What was that?

What? I didn't hear anything.

Turn the radio off.

Now listen.

I still don't hear anything.

I swear to God, I heard some weird...

Turn on the headlights, see if something's out there.

Calm down, calm down.

Jesus H. Christ.

It's the fucking tow truck guy.

So, you live alone here?

I mean, just you and your brother?

Nah, there's a bunch of us around somewhere.

I think Otis is upstairs messing around or something.

You gotta have the marshmallows.

That's what makes it fun.

Yeah, I guess.

You sure do a lot of guessing.

Thank you. You're welcome.


Look at him.

He must've been going pretty fast to smash through that wall.

You sure are silly for a guy with glasses.

I like that. Okay, hey.

Need those to see, thank you.

How do I look?

Terrific, really.


Ain't the only thing tasty in this house.

Okay, okay.

I wonder what time... it's getting kind of late. Don't worry, sugar.

It ain't past my bedtime Are you flirting with me?

What? Oh, no.

Great! They're back.


Excuse me?

I gotta call my dad and tell him we're gonna be late.

Can I use your phone, please?


Ain't got one.

Oh, hi. Goodness.

You really don't have a phone?


I once had one back in '57, but...

I don't quite remember. There's nobody round here.

I feel like jaw-flapping at no more.

Do you think the guy with the tow truck could drive us to a phone?

His name is Rufus, Rufus Jr.

But we all call him RJ. Makes sense.

What do they call you, sweetie?

I am Qualsnarg of the Crab Nebula.

But you humans can call me Jerry.


Baby, go on and see how RJ's doin' with these nice folks' automobile.

Why don't you just all make yourselves to home?

What brings you kids way out here?

Haven't you got something better to do on Halloween than wander around out in the sticks?

I thought maybe we'd take in a hoedown.

No, he's just joking.

You are? I'm sorry, I'm messing with you.

Shut up, dude.

Oh, I get it.

Y'all just think you're too good for the simple pleasures of Halloween.

No, just a little too old.

Oh really? I hope something changes your mind someday.

Mama, Tiny's home. What about RJ?

He was gone before I seen him.

But Tiny saw him and said he said he was going down to the yard to get a new wheel.

How long is that gonna take?

Probably be back in a couple of hours.

A couple of hours? What?

Can't Tiny drive us to a phone?

Tiny ain't got no car, he ain't even got a bicycle.

Even though I know that you think it is childish, tonight is Halloween Eve, and to us it is special.

So you are all invited to dinner.

I hope to Christ she don't expect us to wear these things.

What ever it is, just do it.

The more we play along the faster we'll get the hell out of here.

Now is not the time to make waves. Jerry.

You'll have to forgive Tiny.

He can't hear so much.

That poor baby.

It's his daddy's fault.

Earl wasn't a bad man, he never hit me or nothing like that.

One day he just up and went devil on us all.

What happened? He tried to burn down the house.

He said it was possessed by the spirits.

And Tiny was sleeping in the basement where the fire started.

But I don't think Earl ever meant to harm us.

Tiny was badly burnt, his ears were destroyed and most of his skin.

Is that why he wears the mask? Yeah.

My baby boy gets shy around new people, but he'll warm up to you, especially the girls.

He's a real lady-killer.

You're gonna miss a good show tonight.

That's your tough luck.

I thought you kids were all about team spirit.

You ain't done fuck-all to cheer me up since you got here.

Give me a B. Give me an A.

Give me a B. Give me a Y.

What's that spell? What's that spell?!

What's that spell?!


You're damn right.

Okay now. Everybody put on your masks.

Can't very well eat our desserts with our everyday faces exposed.

Can we?

Gosh, kid, put it on.

She ain't gonna let any of us touch dessert unless you're wearing this damn thing.

Mrs. Firefly?

Do you know anything about the legend of Dr. Satan?

Here we go. Shut up.

I'm not much for gossip and this and that, but I have heard... I know all about what you wanna know all about.


I can't believe you decided to come down and join us.

And you brought Little Wolf.

Oh, my baby.

Oh my God.

It's such a special night for me.

I don't know who told you your fairy fables about Dr. Satan.

We heard it from a Captain Spaulding up the road at...

That old bitch hog don't know shit.

Tells this cute little tattle-tales to sell his junk, but he don't sell no Yankee boys no truth.

Something happened, right? It had to be based on some real incident.

Are you, Jimmy Olsen, cub reporter for the Daily Asshole?

Grampa, watch your language. I don't think you need to know.

Better you leave here with your head still full of kitty cats and puppy dogs.

I really would like to know... Hey, he'd really like to know.

Enlighten him.

I bet you'd stick your head in fire if I told ya you could see hell.

Meanwhile, you're too stupid to realize you got a demon sticking out your ass singing, "Holy Miss Moley,"

"Got me a live one."

Can we change the subject, please?

Dinner's over.

Ladies and germs, it's show time!

Tell you a little story...

Eat your wife's pussy...

I mean jam your face in it!

...starts licking and chomping on her pussy and she's screamin' and yellin' and she just...


The old battleaxe at home's liable to crush my balls!

Would you be quiet?

You're gonna wake up grandma.

Bravo, man.

Hey, hey, hey, don't be moving now, don't be moving.

We got something real special for you men out there.



Get off him.

I said get the fuck off him, you stupid fucking whore!

Fucking slut! You shouldn't have done that.

Oh, really? Are you gonna do something about it?

I'll do something, motherfucker. Yeah, come on.

I'll fucking cut your tits off and shove them down your throat.

Baby, stop! Come on, Ma, this bitch has got it coming. No, I told you, remember?

Car's done. Thank God.

I suggest that you kids leave.

We're gone.

Fuck you!

I love you, Mama. I know.

Lock the fucking doors! Hurry up.

Jesus Christ, you think she was really gonna cut you.

Of course she was gonna cut me, she's a fucking nut.

I knew she was crazy from the second we picked her up.

Okay. That's that.

Let's get out of this fucking nuthouse.

What're you doing? Why are you stopping?

I gotta open the gate! For Christ's sake, hurry up!

Oh, shit!

Somebody help him!

Oh shit! What are they doing to him?

Who's that?

Oh my God!

Shut the fucking door! Oh, no!

Somebody help us!

Oh my God! Get away from us!

No, please.

Oh my God!


Oh my God!

Help me! Help me!

... rock and roll this morning with some Led Zeppelin...

... kinda wild around the radio station today, it being a holiday.

It's kinda like a ghost town around here.

It's kinda nice though, it's kinda kick back.

Maybe time to get away with stuff.


Donald Willis.

Don Willis, how the hell are you? - Listen, Frank, I'm a little worried about Denise.

She called me last night from the road near Ruggsville, a place called Spaulding's.

Yeah, I know the joint.

She said she'd be here about 11:00, but she never showed up.

I'll run a check on up there by Spaulding's and see if there's any accidents, or road closings.

It was raining like a son of a bitch here last night.

They're probably just stuck in the mud someplace.

Shut your mouth!

I said, shut your fucking mouth!

Listen, you Malibu middleclass Barbie piece of shit, I'm trying to work here!

Work! You ever work?

Yeah, I'll bet you have.

Scooping ice cream to your shitheel friends on summer break.

I ain't talking about no goddamn white socks with Mickey Mouse on one side and Donald Duck on the other.

I ain't readin' no funny books, Mama.

Our bodies come and go, but this blood is forever.

I'm gonna remove your gag, but if you make so much as a fucking peep I'm gonna cut you like a pig and make you eat your own fucking intestines. You got me?

Why are you doing this to me?

Why are you doing this? Doing what?

Messy up your day?

Where's Bill?

Where's Bill? Bill?

Is he okay?

He's a good guy.

He's been a great help to me. A real blessin'.

I couldn't have asked for a better specimen.

You don't know what kind of dry spell I've had, total block, total block.

But Bill, he's okay.

Where is he?


Where is he? Can I see him?

Can I see Bill, please?

Let's go see.


Fish-boy! Oh my God!

Oh my God, Bill.

No, no, this can't be real. This can't be real.

This can't be real, this can't be real.

Oh, it's real.

Real as I want it to be, Mama.

Fuck you, you fucking freak!


Let's see if the nut that runs this place can help us.

Take a look at all this crap.

I'd red flag anybody running a joint like this.

Sweet baby Jesus.

Whoever's jerking off on that bell better be gone when I come out, or I'm gonna rip your nuts off.

Officers, officers, what can I do for you?

I ain't fired up the birds yet if that's what you've been ring-a-ding-dinging about.

I need you to answer some questions about some missing kids.

Oh, I don't know nothin' about nothin'.

I'm the kind of guy that just minds his own business, if you get what I'm saying.

You seen this girl? Say in the last 24 hours?

Yeah, yeah, a cute kid.

Ain't my type though.

I like 'em with a little more meat on 'em.

The bigger the cushion, the sweeter the pushin'.

Look, clown-ass, just answer the damn question.

We ain't interested in your love life, all right?

Cut the crap, Spaulding and get with the facts.


What did you see? Who was she with?

Where was she going? I don't know.

She was with some stupid kids. They's nosing around, asking a bunch of stupid questions.

Questions about what? I don't know.

This and that. Mostly a bunch of tired Dr. Satan bullshit.

They caught a gander at the display in the back and they figured they's gonna run out and solve the great Deadwood mystery.

And how'd they get that idea?

I wrote 'em a map.

Out to the old farm road.

I figured, what the hell? It wouldn't do no harm.

'Sides, it's good for my tourist trade.

You can shit 10 bricks for all I care.

What else?


Stupid-ass kids probably got themselves turned around ass-backwards and got theyself lost.

Is that all? And I want you to think real hard.

Well, I don't rightly know.

They wasn't here long enough for me to get up close and personal with 'em, like I do most assholes that come wandering in here.

How about you write them same directions out for me then?

All right, all right. Don't get all "True Grit" on my ass.

You can knock yourself silly for all I care.

Enough talk! Write.

I don't know where that skunk ape sleeps.

All I know is, that he had impure relations with my wife.

That's true, he performed lurid acts upon me and my person.

Hold up the picture.

I'm gonna kill that skunk ape.

Please, Tiny. Please let me go.

Let me go. Help me.

Please, God, please.

Thank you. Thank you.

I'm just gonna go now.

I'm just gonna go home.

I'm just gonna go home now.

I'm just gonna go home now.

I'm just gonna go now.

I'm just going home now.

Where the fuck do you think you're getting to?

No, no, no...

Playtime is over.

It matches.

Call it in.

I think we found 'em. Yeah.

Hey, poopie pants. What's new?

Where the fuck is Bill? Where's Denise? You can't keep us here.

Shut up!

Wanna play a guessing game?

Guess what number I'm thinking of.

Eat shit and die.

No, wait, please. Come on, stop it. What do you want from me?

What do you want from... Be quiet. I don't wanna slip.

Okay, one more.

You get this right, I'll let you go.

If you get it wrong, you are fucked!

Who's my favorite movie star?

I don't know.

Marilyn Monroe.

No, Betty Davis. Sorry, you lose!


Jesus, somebody had themselves a field day beating the shit out this thing, didn't they?


No mercy shown here.

Didn't find any bodies, did ya?

Not yet. Holy Christ.

What could these kids have done to bring this much hell down on 'em?

I found something. What's that?


Don't stand there like some prize dog, Dick, open the trunk.

Yes, sir. Toss them here.

Oh, Goddamn. You got something, Georgie?


We found something.

People come, people go, but how many ever stop to take a look at the underbelly of the beast?

I make 'em stop and I make 'em look.

Hope you like what you see.

Hope you like what you see!

Just hold it a minute, Grandpa.

At a time like this, you're taking pictures?

I just couldn't help it.

You look so natural sitting in that box.

Put me behind the wheel of that bitch, I'll show you drivin'.

You useless fuck. You couldn't even get your big ass in that seat.

You ungrateful...

Don't start with me, Hugo.

Get off the damn car, this ain't your living room.

Goddamn grease monkey.

You sure this guy is supposed to ride with us... in this car?


This doesn't seem right to me.

It ain't up to us, Chief said pick him up and take him with us.

Guy's an ex-cop, figures he can be of some help.

I just hope he doesn't get in my way, is all I'm sayin'.

This must be him.

Mr. Willis? Yes, sir.

I'm Wydell, this is Nash. How you doin', sir?

Donald Willis. Any leads?

We were on our way out to check on a couple of farms out on the edge of town.

That's about our only lead up to this point.

What about this body you found?

You know about that?

Local girl. Karen Murphy.

One of the cheerleaders that went missing last week.

That's it?

We know the kids were on their way out to a place the locals call Deadwood.

They wanted to play Nancy Drew with this local legend people call Dr. Satan.

This is insane. Don't you worry about it.

We'll find her, all right?

My name is Lewis Dover and I'm no rich man, but I know the truth.

You don't have to go to hell.

You're in hell... this is hell.

This is hell. This is hell.

I'm gonna see if anybody's home. You and Mr. Willis check around, see if you see anything.

Come with me.

I hate fucked up families!

It's just a dip. Otis!

Otis, come quick. There's cops out there.

What? Damn! How many?

Don't worry about it. I don't know. I only saw one.

Fucking pigs always travel in packs.

Take this. What should I do?

Go downstairs and play nice.

I'll go round back and take control like I always fucking do.


These packrats throw anything away?

I don't think so. Hold this thing.

Hello? Hello?

You'd think these son of bitches would have a yard sale, don't you?



Oh my God!

Oh my God! Calm down, Barney!

Don't even start with that "Mayberry" shit.

It's only a dog.

I was bit by a cocker spaniel when I was eight years old.

Hello, Officer. Good afternoon, ma'am.

I'm Lieutenant Wydell. I'd like to ask you a few questions.

Why, heck, I'll tell you anything you wanna know.

I appreciate the cooperation, ma'am.

I'm looking for a missing girl.

I'm serious. It was a big cocker spaniel... big teeth.

It was my ex-girlfriend's. Almost bit off my pinky toe.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Shh, you hear that?


Yeah, I hear it. Where do you think it's coming from?

Out this way.

All right, hold on, hold on one second here.

Hey, hey!

Sheriff's Department, open up.

No, I ain't seen her, sorry. Ma'am...

If I could just come in for a minute.

I have some other pictures I'd like you to look at.

It might stir something up.

No. I don't think so.


It'll only take a minute.

Oh, all right.

I guess I can trust you, being a man of the law.

Yes, ma'am.

Thank you, ma'am.

Oh, this one looks familiar. Is he on the TV?

No, ma'am, I don't believe he is.

Wydell? Excuse me, ma'am.

Wydell, over! Wydell, over! Wydell, over.

Let me take a guess here. Y'all havin' a Halloween Party.

What makes you think that, big boy?

You sure are buying a whole mess of holy water for two people.

We like to get fucked up and do fucked up shit.

You know what I mean? I like to get fucked up too.

Do some fucked up shit. Yeah, I bet you do.

How much we owe ya, goober?

Actually it's G. Ober, for Gerry Ober, but the new guy, Romald in the back, he drew in that other O and made Goober. Fucking asshole.

Great story, Goober. How much we owe ya?

The damage is quite severe.

$185. That ain't gonna break my bank.

Here, keep the change and go get yourself a new name, Goober.

Holy dog, I will, thank you.

You all drive safe. Thanks for comin' in to Red Hot Pussy Liquor.

Where's Otis? Where's Otis?

He's comin'. He's got something real special this year.

Otis, Otis, Otis...

I'm the one who brings the Christmas candy.

Now tell me, who's your daddy?

I'm the one who brings the devil's brandy.

Who's your daddy?!

I'm the one who beats you when you're bad.

Who's your Daddy?! Who's your Daddy?!

Come on, sweetie, give the old man some sugar.

Daddy, Daddy.

And I'm the one who loves ya when you're fucking dead.

Who's your Daddy?! Who's your Daddy?!

Well, I say my little darlings.

Maybe it ain't a good idea to be prancing around where you don't belong.

And you, the great rusher of fools, what was it that you were after?

Come on, speak to me, boy. I remember now.

Dr. Satan.

Goddamn it, everybody got to know about Dr. Satan.

You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna do you a favor.

I'm gonna let you meet the old bastard.

It's all true.

The bogeyman is real and you found him.

And you found him...

Hey, happy boy, step your ass up here.

Take his gag out. It's more fun with the screaming.

I like that too. That screaming is much more exciting that way.

Please don't kill us, please don't kill us.

Please don't kill us... nah... please don't kill us.

Shut your mouth and get your shit in the box.

Get in now. Wait, wait, wait...

I wanna say goodbye.

Goodbye, sweetie.

We could've been great.

Just let us go, I swear to God we won't tell anyone.

I swear... Honey, you know I can't do that.

I swear to God, we won't tell. I swear to God.

Ain't we just having a fucking hoot?

Get your fucking ass up, boy.

Come on, we ain't got all night.

Where does she think she's gonna run to?

She gonna run all the way home? No, let me get her.

All right, go get her.

Huntin' humans, ain't nothin' but nothin'.

They all run like scared little rabbits.

Run, rabbit, run.

Run, rabbit.

Run, rabbit. Run, rabbit.

Run, rabbit, run!

Run, rabbit!

There once was a woman who lived with her daughter in a cabbage garden.

Along came a rabbit and ate up all the cabbages.

The woman said, "Go into the garden and drive out the rabbit. "


Told you. I'm gonna get you.



I'm gonna get you. I'm coming to get you.

"Shoo, shoo," said the maiden.

"Come, maiden," said the rabbit.

"Sit on my tail and go with me to my rabbit hutch."

No-ooo, no!

No hanky-panky. Rufus, put the lid on.



Oh, no!


No, no, no!

Stop! No!



No, no-ooo!

Bury me in a nameless grave.

Bury me in a nameless grave.

Jerry, wake up, wake...

Jerry, wake up, wake up, wake up.

Bury me in a nameless grave.

Bury me in a nameless grave.

Oh my God!

No-ooo! Jerry!

No, Jerry!

Please! Help!

Help me!

I can't see anything!

Jerry? Is that you?


Jerry? Thank God.

Please help me.



Oh, God, no, no, no...




God, no, no.

No, no!


Go away!

Go away!

Sweet baby Jesus, girl. What the hell happened to you?

I got away.

I recognize you.

There's a whole bunch of people been looking for your ass.

I gotta get to a doctor. All right, all right.

Just sit back and relax.

I'll get you to a doctor.

Come on... that's it, that's it.

I'll get you there, yeah, yeah.

Oh, yeah!