How High (2001) Script

What the fuck is your problem?

No disrespect, Silas. My bumbaclot Johnson no working, see?

What? My rassclot true gashman.

My dick won't stay thick, see?

I think I got something for that. Hold on.

Girl, wake your ass up.

Damn well you ain't sleeping.

"Crabs,"

"bad breath,"

"limp dick." Ha!

Got that dough?

Will this make my drill sergeant stand at attention?

No, but it'll make you forget your drill sergeant don't stand at attention. Get at me in the morning.

Peace! Yo, Silas, my brother!

Oh, shit, Mikey, hell no!

Hey, come on, Silas, I need something to help me out.

Yeah, rehab, mouthwash, and a job application.

Jeez.

I'm starting to recognize things.

That's 'cause you coming down off a three month crack binge.

It's called reality, son. Later, man.

Wait, wait, Silas! You got anything for a head wound?

Man, ain't nothing wrong with your head.

There is now.

Fucking crackhead.

Now what?

Oh, shit, ive. What's up, dog?

What's up, nigger? What's cracking?

Ain't shit, you know.

You get my message about going to the jets game?

Yo, I wish I could, dog.

But I got this shorty coming through tonight.

Met her on the Internet. Chickenheads.Com.

This girl is banging.

Yo, we even exchanged pictures and everything.

Damn, this look like your last girlfriend. Mm-hmm.

And did your picture have that nasty al b. Sure pubic patch in it, motherfucker?

This just sprang up.

You know what I think it is?

It's the Mark of Buddha.

And your haircut game is fucked up.

Girlfriend see that, she going to shit on you.

This girl is different. All she cares about is Kevin costner movies.

I'm going to let kev do the foreplay, right?

I figured I'd get something from the garden of weeden to make it interesting.

Costner, huh? Uh-huh.

"Dances with wolves." "Field of dreams."

That's a corny motherfucker.

You going to need some strong shit just to stay awake.

Come on. You're feeling me.

That's a four-hour-movie-making motherfucker.

Ooh, what is this?

Huh? Ooh whee!

You shouldn't have. I didn't. Get out of here.

Man, let me just grab a titty. Hell, no.

She wouldn't even know it was me. To hell with that.

What you got for me?

Here you go. The bomb.

Oh, yeah. What's this? Aaah!

Whoa! Stop touching stuff!

When are you getting some funds for this shit? See that right there?

That's a natural aphrodisiac.

Come here, let me show you some more shit.

Look right there? See that?

That's a painkiller. Look under there, bro'.

You see that? Cure for blueballs.

This ain't shit, all right? Watch yourself.

Yeah, well, your shit is raggedier than a motherfucker, okay.

If you took your head out these hos and put 'em in some books, you'd have that lab you always talked about.

Half those books is filled with bullshit.

The other half lies, alright. See what I'm saying?

I got to give pops his medicine, man.

I'm hungrier than four dudes.

Hey, I'm hungrier than five.

Well, who is you and what you doing in my house?

I went for "pork chops o'chunky."

Whether you're black, or honky, or in-between, you'll love "pork chops o'chunky." Man, that's mean.

So what's in this stuff? Man, nothing but pork.

Wow, right on, then!

There you go. You're scared to answer your calling.

Man, what calling?

You got an opportunity to do something here...

That the drug companies would never do.

Let's put the power of healing back into the hands of the common man.

Hey, whatever, man. What you need to do is concentrate on getting the power of Booty into the hands of your common ass. That's what the hell you need to do.

Don't worry about the ive. I got mine coming tonight.

Woman: Hey, Silas! You see the ass on the red one?

Simple. Just remember to take them thcs.

At least try to get into college.

Working in a real lab, making some real money.

Okay, ive, whatever, man.

If you say so, bro'. The world is bigger than staten island.

I'm out.

Holler at me. I'll try to.

What's up, ladies? Yo, si, if I got hit by a bus tomorrow, I got your back.

If anything happened to me, or I jumped out a window and my hair caught on fire, I got your back, dog.

If my ex came after me with a knife and stabbed me, I got your back! You talk too much, ive.

Peace! Yo, Silas!

You'd better take those college exams!

Woman: Look at Jamal, he's a good boy, huh?

Good boy, my ass. I had to cancel my nail appointment to pick him up at the precinct last week.

Momma, they lying. They lying?

They found the weed on you, didn't they? It wasn't mine.

Then what is this that I found in your bedroom?

Hello. Ma, it is a lamp.

And this is where you turn it on at. Excuse me?

Head.

Now, where did I go wrong with your ass?

You going to have to take that thc test and get into a four-year college or I'm just cut you off from this family.

You are the first member of this family to go to college.

But six years at a two-year community college is not what I had in mind.

Both: Tell the truth. I got a dream that one day I can put your college diploma here under my Jesus, who's master of this house, next to your brother's prison-issue barber certificate and your sister's weave-master degree.

Now don't disappoint me.

You weed smoking, three-day-wearing nasty ass.

Just like your father.

Why you always talking to me like that in front of company?

These bitches ain't nobody.

Now go warm me up some "pork chops o'chunky."

Is that all, momma? Wash your nasty ass!

Is that all, momma?

You the man.

What's up, baby? Oh, hell no!

I didn't know you had dreads! And what is that?

Brother just got extensions put in today. They tight, huh?

Where? Between your eyes?

What the hell is that? It's the Mark of Buddha.

It's the skidmark of Buddha!

Looks like he took a dump in the middle of your face!

I don't think this is gonna work out. Hold on, now!

Why are you doing this? I rented "field of dreams" and "dances with wolves."

Nigger, you are a wolf.

Chocolate diva! Nubian goddess!

I'm taking you off my buddy list, bitch!

I hope you get a virus! You and your computer.

Man: If you build it, they will come.

Man #2: What you mean they'll come?

Who's going to come to a fucking cornfield?

Who's going to cut the grass?

I know you don't expect me to sell no peanuts out there, bitch.

Shit remind me of slavery. "Roots" and shit, man.

I don't play this, man.

What was that? Annie! Crazy ho!

Only way I'm coming is if you got some females and some chronic.

And then we all going to be coming.

That voice, what was it? We didn't hear anything!

She got some nice titties, dog. Word.

Child: What titties? What?

Man #2: Okay, you must've heard that!

Woman: It's a good baseball field, ray.

Ray: It's kind of pretty.

I told you. You did not.

I did. No, you did not.

Oh god! Oh!

Silas: Mark of Buddha, my ass.

Look at you now. Dead. Ashes.

Damn, ivory.

After all these years of blazing, who would've thought the last thing you'd wind up smoking would be your ass? I'm gonna miss you, dog.

I'm going to be thinking about you while I'm taking them thcs.

And if you're really my boy, you'll make sure I pass that motherfucker, you heard?

Thanks, pops.

What's up with that joint? Can I get a little...

Never mind. Forget it.

Bald-ass motherfucker.

Stingy bastard.

Shit.

"Early girl."

Ooh, ivory. My how you've grown.

Wow.

Damn, ivory!

I had no idea you could stink so good, nigger!

Jeez.

Man: Hey, man, get that car fixed!

Blunt o'clock, boy.

Man, get the fuck out of here.

Look at this little ass bag of fucking weed.

Yes, lord.

Oooh. Damn!

Oooh.

Aw.

Oh, oh!

Oh! Oh, shit! My weed!

No cigar? No!

Fuck, fuck! Bitch!

Got blunt?

Got weed?

That shit smell good as hell. I'm Jamal.

Peace. Silas.

So you trying to get something to bring them nerves down too, huh?

I figured if I study high, take the tests high, I'll get high scores, right? Right.

Right. Right.

Look at that car. Is it on fire?

Take that, son.

Oh!

Yo...

This is the shit. That shit is called the ivory shit.

It's the shit. That's the ivory right there.

Goddamn. Thanks.

Oops. Yo, pass that, kid.

I just gave it to the guy in the back, man.

Guy in the back? Fuck is he...?

What's up, dog? That's ivory.

No, that's the ivory. Damn.

Ivory? Oh, shit! You got to be kidding me!

Yo, Silas! Chill out! Silas!

Word.

What the fuck is going on?

Ain't you supposed to be dead?

I am dead. But this is what happens when you smoke your boy.

Holy shit. Let me try that.

Ivory: Relax. Can we talk about this in your car?

I know how you can get high scores.

Ivory: I'm a ghost, ghost, ghost.

Now, don't touch me. It's me, dog.

What are you doing? Running the streets, fucking with the living?

No, bro'. I'm just here for you.

People can only see me when they smoke me.

I got all the answers. I can consult with people.

Socrates, Nietzsche, even the old dude who made this test.

That's bullshit. I bullshit you not.

Remember, I told you I have your back...

Even if I got hit by a bus.

Matter of fact, your ass didn't even get hit by a bus.

I made it!

I can't feel my legs, but I'm alive!

And you predicted that shit. Yeah.

So what are you doing here?

Are you going to hook me up with a chick with a no-gag reflex?

Even better. I'm going to be in there with you.

By the time I'm done with you, every college in the country will be knocking.

Ow, shit. Man, I must not be high enough.

He a ghost, man.

Cool. That explains everything.

I'm up here trying to put my fucking hand through...

We've never had anybody, let alone two people get a perfect score.

We either have a one in six billion phenomenon, or a cheat.

Damn! It would've been impossible for either of you to cheat.

You had two totally different versions of the test.

Congratulations. These scores are going to get you into any college in the country.

Yo, we still high on that ivory?

Cain, it's as simple as this.

The trustees at the university are riding my ass about getting some color up at Harvard.

Excuse me? Ethnic diversity.

The trustees seem to think we need it.

How come we don't have more minorities? How should I know?

If we don't do something soon, I might get fired.

What about upchuck amalu? He's eskimo.

Why isn't he considered as a minority? And I brought him in.

Yes, but it's breaking the bank keeping his igloo frozen.

Dean, what about those two guys I read about from the tri-states?

They made perfect scores on their thcs.

I saw those guys' pictures. They looked like mug shots!

I don't care. I want them!

At reparations technical institute, we offer a cornucopia of educational and business opportunities for brothers and sisters to pursue higher learning.

Read from the brochure. "Brothers, join us at reparations technical institute and learn hatred for the white devil in a relaxed campus atmosphere, where classes range..." From...

"Hatred for the white devil..." To...

"Advanced hatred for the white devil..." And...

"Volleyball." both: Next.

You think you're all hot tamales right now?

Why don't you come to the base and understand what it's really like to be special?

You work hard, you learn, and then you can build refrigerators and such.

Next!

Taking a vow of celibacy...

Next. Frees your mind...

Next. And your body.

Next!

Harvard?!

Ain't it a lot of richy people up there?

Shit, I got to roll up that joint, dog.

With test scores like these you can roll up any joint you want.

But Harvard, gentlemen, is not just any joint.

It's an institution. All I want to do is develop my herbal in a real lab, and get some head while I'm doing it.

Well, we have the finest botany department in the world and a quality of life like no other.

Music, artists, and the women... mmm.

So, does it sound tempting? Ivy league atmosphere?

A place where you can really grow academically?

Sure, I'll fucks with ya. I'll fucks with you, too.

Is that good? Yes, that's a yes.

Then we'll fox with each other.

Damn. Damn.

Silas: Them hos look like they still in high school, yo.

If there's grass on the infield, play ball.

Where the fuck is orientation at, anyway?

Both: Da-amn.

Hey!

What the fuck was that? Je-sus!

If I could pull off six years out of community college, I know I could get a least 12 years up in this motherfucker.

How much of that ivory we got, anyway?

We limited, all right? So we're going to have to split this shit up.

You know what I'm saying? We only Blaze at test times.

What, no wake and bake? I got other stuff for that.

Bart, remember those artifacts I found this summer?

I was right! They are Ben Franklin's!

Great. Did you figure out where you want to eat dinner tonight?

Dinner? Bart, some of these things are...

They look like earlier inventions.

And if I can discover what these are, it could be the greatest find of anyone attending Harvard.

I loves Ben Franklin, girl, and I could listen to you talk about his stinking ass all day long.

Excuse me? Do anybody know where the financial aid office is?

Well, my man, let me think.

See that statue right there? It's beautiful, isn't it?

That statue is in the likeness of my great grandaddy dooster.

So I'm guessing that would be the dooster house.

The financial aid office. Gee, I don't think I've ever met anyone who actually needed to go there.

All we did was come over and ask for directions.

If we came over here and asked if anybody needed their ass kicked, you wouldn't sound so fucking smart, would you?

My bad, bro'. We got off on the wrong foot. Let's start over.

I'm Bart. I'm Jamal.

My friend, this is crew, but don't even think about it.

You don't look like you could hang, Jermaine.

The name's Jamal, and I'll fuck your crew up.

Who are they? Who are they, goddamn it?

It's rowing, Jimmy-jam.

Well, Bart-fart, you got skills in it?

Yeah, I'm captain of the team.

If you can do it, I can do it, sucker. That's right.

This isn't basketball, j-rock.

I trained all year round for three seasons to make number one in single sculls.

You about to be number two, 'cause I'm signing up, buddy.

Practice starts tomorrow, 6:00 am. A'ight?

Fine. I don't mind cutting my evening short to be there.

As Dean of freshmen, I have welcomed students from all over the world.

From Korea, from Rome, Istanbul.

Students enter Harvard with a variety of goals.

Excuse me? Are we in the right place?

Anyone? Anyone? Anyone? You? You?

As I was saying, Harvard isn't for everyone.

Oh, shit. We got a black man for a teacher.

That's what I'm talking 'bout! What's up, bro'?

We straight. Holler!

As I was saying... What's wrong with his ass?

He probably been locked up more times than me and your ass put together. Get him.

That old, green, Jimmy the cricket suit-wearing ass motherfucker.

Get him! Old, short, Colin Powell haircut-having motherfucker.

Get him! Angela Davis moustache wearing-ass motherfucker.

You little Richard pryor shortcut fade happening 'round the sides wearing motherfucker!

You little Sammy Davis award junior afro haircut having-ass motherfucker!

Get him! You little dynamite disco daddy devastating.

Get him! You little Don Cornelius with a haircut...

Gentlemen, if you don't mind, I'd like you to sit down.

I would like to continue.

Excuse me. 'Scuse me.

Jamal: Watch your toes. Watch the corns.

Excuse me.

Thank you for your... entertaining anecdotes.

We here at Harvard are rooted in tradition.

Fuck is this?

That's toilet water.

It's a part of my pledge. Do you guys mind?

No. But do you mind talking that way, 'cause your breath smell like straight ass-crack, bro'.

Isn't there a hip-hop convention you two should be at?

Ooooh. Oooh.

Shark has fangs. Word. Go easy on him.

We probably the only blackheads he's seen since he looked in the mirror.

Can you guys just show a little respect? Jeez.

This class is fucking boring, I'm out of here.

Excuse me, did I hear you say something?

With all due respect, sir, suck my dick.

No, sir, I'm not saying anything.

It's these guys. Silas: You're an asshole.

Did you just call me an asshole? No, I said idiot.

An idiot?! No, sir! No, sir!

What did you say? I said this school has nice halls.

This is not funny. You couldn't teach your way out of kindergarten class.

I think we've had enough interruptions for today.

I think you should leave. Sir.

This would never have happened if I were black.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Better pull back on those pedals, boy.

Why? Maximum speed on campus is 15 mphs.

Mphs?

50 bucks? Man, I can't pay this.

Well... This isn't even a real ticket.

It's a student citation. See, I'm a volunteer.

You need to pay that by Friday at fi...

That was uncalled for. Eat me.

You just earned another citation. Fuck off!

Well, well, well.

Look who we have here.

Damn, this bike phat as hell.

Whoa, whoa, hey, don't touch. Okay, all right.

Leave the bike alone. Did you just call me fat?

And what is that stench?

That's my Cologne. Cannabi for men.

I don't know what that is. Forewarning, gentlemen.

You better watch your mouths and your behinds.

I'm looking for the ecstasy. I'm looking for the pot.

Oh, yeah. I'm looking for those 'shrooms.

We looking for that shit, too! Hell yeah.

What are you talking about? Both: Same thing you talking about.

What are we talking about? Look, Gerald, either you're holding, or you can get on your roadster and move the fuck on.

It's volunteer officer picklestein.

And I am watching you. Oh, I'm watching you.

Like a hawk.

Like a hawk!

Somebody needs a hug.

Don't worry, baby, you can suck my dick after class.

Oh, wow! She wants me.

Welcome to lovell house. You look funky fresh.

And funky fresh always likes funky fresh women.

"Amir, professional student, resident advisor for you."

And professional player.

So what's mine is yours, and what's yours...

I've probably already had.

You and you and me, we're the same.

Africa tan.

The original man was like us, man.

Whatever, nigger.

I believe in the fly club and its traditions and its ideals.

I believe in the fly... Excuse me?

Do you have to play that so loud? I'm studying my pledge book.

This niggaz with attitude.

If you smart, you tell people you love nwa.

They think you cool.

Why do you wear smelly eggs?

These eggs are part of my pledging.

I am getting thousands of lifetime connections here.

I'm going to be a part of a fraternity.

Hey! Hey!

Whassup, whassup?

Oh god. One glove, my brothers!

I am tuan, child prodigy.

I'm Jamal, a pothead.

Silas, entre-po-negro.

Jamal! Fresh gear, man!

You like? Yeah!

I designed it myself. I call it bufu.

Bufu? Oh, no, not you two.

Please.

Fake-ass Paul bunyan plaid, pussy shirt wearing...

Man, I'll fuck your ass up. Shut up.

Okay, but if you two are our roommates, who's that?

That's "I need money." Goddamn.

Okay, but what's his name?

I need money.

Doesn't talk, how come he?

I need money? He's a mute.

When we first hooked up, he wrote on a slip of paper, "I need money."

I said, "shit, me too."

And we started making it together after that.

Where he staying? Harvard.

Lovell house. Second floor, right on the couch.

He's smoking in our room. That's not legal.

Just be cool, and you might have some fun this semester.

Stupid. Whoo-wee.

Nwa? Kid, what you know about that?

Yeah, I love niggaz with attitude.

Nobody, I repeat nobody, drops the n-bomb up in here.

Nobody. That go for you, too.

Hey, I am down with you, man.

You east coast. I far east coast.

I'm from Wisconsin.

Yo, fresh and funky.

Dean Cain wants to see you in his office.

Don't be late.

Gentlemen, this institution has graduated countless fortune 500 CEOs.

41 nobel laureates, and six presidents.

Hey, Dean, where's all the fly-ass women the chancellor was talking about?

So far, I only seen some stuck-up, nerdy-ass looking women out.

You were dropping cheetos on an original 18th century hand woven tapestry!

You mean this carpet?

This is out of my personal collection.

I got this in my travels to Nepal!

I know the bitch that makes these rugs.

You know wynena... I remember that bitch.

It means the world to me.

Now, as I was saying, here at Harvard, we have very high standards.

Any student on a scholarship must maintain at least a 2.0 average or you will be expelled.

It's good to know we have the support of the faculty.

And don't you worry. Me and Jamal here?

We're all about good grades. Is that right, Mr. King?

Hell motherf... I mean, yes, sir, Dean Cain, sir.

How is carbon dioxide changed into oxygen?

Silas: Plants, dick! Guys!

Jamal, Jamal, Jamal.

Sleepyhead, wake up.

I got something for your ass.


Come on, gentlemen! Pick it up if you want to be part of this squad!

Taxi!

Woo, what took you all guys so long?

Coach, I've not lost an oar run in three years.

I'm wondering if this guy cheated. Cheated?

Man, fuck you!

Why is fucking dick butt-kiss always riding me?

Dick butt-kiss? Did you hear that, coach? He's cursing!

Bart, I think you better go open up the boathouse.

But coach! Bart!

I don't think you want to see this.

You... here.

Come here.

Come here.

Nice comeback on the dick butt-kiss.

I wish I could've said that.

His parents have been driving me crazy, making my life a misery for years.

But they give lots of money. I have to go to those lousy cocktail parties.

She has lousy perfume and he has a lousy toupee.

You keep throwing zingers to this jerk-off, and you're going to make the team, son.

And let that be a lesson to you! This is the last time!

All right, rookies! Push-ups!

Get down!

Yo, yo, yo. What's up with the fast stroll?

Can I holler? Hi.

Man: The role played by the African-Americans in the history of this country has been largely unnoticed.

Of course, history is the record of an account of the past.

But the issue here is, who is recording the account?

If it's snowflake, whitey, paleface, peckerwoods, cracker...

We got Cleopatra looking like Elizabeth Taylor.

Jesus looks like a hippie in a dashiki.

But if it's one of my proud black people that's doing the recording of the account...

Yo, Silas!

We might have Moses looking like this fine black man right here.

I'm sore as a motherfucker.

Who invented the air conditioner?

A black man.

What's up, dogs?

Yo, son, I'm sore as a bitch in heat.

And you know what else? I'm going to have to knock that Bart character the fuck out.

Once again, a black man.

Can't this wait till after class?

You supposed to be in here, anyway. This is black history.

Black history? It look like all the black students that was in here are history.

Shh! Are you telling me to "shh"?

See what I mean? Fuck history.

That's right. Fuck history. Yeah, fuck history.

Mr. Moses, I expect you'll be ready for your quiz tomorrow?

Quiz my ass. A white man teaching black history, anyway.

That's some bullshit. I'm going to lunch and take a nice long shit.

That's the kind of attitude I like to hear.

And where are you going?

We didn't land on Plymouth rock. Plymouth rock landed on us.

Ooh, all right! Malcolm X!

I'm glad someone's appreciating the knowledge I'm trying to drop on you today.

Why don't you two walk out in protest with your brothers?

Walk out on me. What are you doing sitting there?

You look like whitey, like a couple of goddamn uncle Toms.

Walk on out! That's right!

Get up and move! You should lynch me!

Lynch me for what my people have done to your people.

Come on.

Go, go, go, go.

Hey, what's up?

Ahh, stop!

What's going on here? They stole my baby!

Stop! Bring my baby back!

Not the hill, not the hill!

Oh, god, no! Baby, I almost got you!

Oh no! Oh my god!

My wheel! Oh, oh!

Oh, my horn!

Hey, you! Where's elm and third?

What?

That's not yours!

No, don't put him in... oh, my baby!

Can anyone tell me the name of this plant?

Bart?

Yeah, it's a hanging rubber plant.

It's indigenous to the wet drylands of the northern hemisphere.

Yeah right, Bart. Would you bet money on that?

Or is that like below the dooster principle?

Yeah, I'll bet on it. How 'bout an SUV?

I got three of 'em.

And the survey says, ehhh, you lose.

It's a neem plant, professor.

Oui. Yes.

But how did you know that, Silas?

I had this nasty-ass rash once.

I put a little bit of neem plant on it, it cleared it up in an hour. I even smoked it before.

That figures.

One thing it doesn't cure, though...

Being a spoiled little bitch.

Professor: I'd like you all to do an experiment on a plant.

Something that... may benefit mankind.

And if you devise something groundbreaking, I guarantee you an "a" in this course.

Okay, class dismissed. Good work, everyone.

Thank you. Nice. Keep up the good work.

Woman: So, he likes plants, does he?

I see still waters run deep.

Please believe. But wait till you see my presentation.

You going to love me after that.

Lauren, you might as well tell him now and get it over with.

What? You know, how you're starting to see Bart for the shallow bastard he is, and eventually you're going to leave his ass for me.

Holler.

Professor: This semester in women's studies, we will discuss how women are objectified in popular culture while the masculine bastards exploit women's ideas for great profit, then take all the credit.

Jamal?

You have the most amazing...

Penis.

Yes, I do.

Hell yeah. Aaah.

So you're playing grabby-ass again, huh?

Ma? Did you wash your ass today?

Ah! Ah! Damn, ma! Stop, ma! Stop!

Silas: You high yet? Jamal: I don't know. Maybe not high enough.

Where the hell is he?

Maybe I ain't hit it hard enough.

What are you doing? Dropping your kids off at the pool?

Oh, shit.

What's up, j? Give me five.

I hate it when you do that.

I love doing that. That shit is funny.

What took you so long?

Biggie and pac, man. They throwing a party.

Open bar all night!

Everything was cool till Marvin gaye came in there tripping.

Marvin gaye? Yeah.

We got a test in about five minutes. Word.

What that got to do with me? I know you ready.

I know you studied for it. Ready? We ain't studied...

Come on. You got a golden opportunity to make something of yourself.

And you just throwing it away? It's time for you to learn a lesson.

Come on, ive. I'm out, man.

Ive! Don't play! Ive!

Talk to your boy. Why'd you tell him we ain't studied?

Damn all that! You should've thought of that before you...

Whassup?! I'm just fucking with you, man.

This is bullshit. This is some good shit, man.

You know you my boy.

"C," Silas. Come on, man. The portugese.

1863. That's "b."

J, what are you doing? 1961.

"B?" trust me on this, I got all the answers.

You just told me that goddamn answer.

"A." French. That be the French.

Goddamn virgins. At least you all being entertained.

I ain't seen a stitch of pussy on this whole campus.

The chickens are not clucking around here.

You've come to the right place.

I've been an undergrad for 12 years.

I know everything there is to know about Ivy league women.

Silas: 12 years?

Damn, kid. Your people paying for all this shit?

A drop in the bucket, sucka.

I remain here solely for the purpose of hooking up with Harvard women.

Short ones, tall ones, skinny ones, chunky ones.

I love me a fat chick, man.

More cushion for the pushin'.

Yes. I want to boldly go where no man has gone before.

I'm an explorer.

I see you are very much liking to explore stds also, my friend.

That shit on your lip got some shit on its lip.

Is that why no puff-puff?

Pass the dutchie, my friends.

This is nothing. I cut myself shaving.

Yeah, whatever.

We need to start importing some hos.

Woman: Molly, get in here, you have to see this!

Molly: Oh my, look at those muscles.

He is quite attractive. Indeed.

I think there's some freak in those geeks.

Yeah. Here you go.

Ooh. Don't get the wrong idea.

We've never done anything like this before. We're virgins.

Virgins? Mm-hmm.

No, you're not. Yes, we are.

Nah, nah. Yes.

Jamal and Silas: No, no, no.

Both girls: Yes, yes, yes.

Jamal and Silas: No, no, no.

Both girls: Yes, yes, yes!

Bro', you got change for a $20?

Histo-ray! Got a "a plus," my nigger.

Oooh, ooh. Who is that?

Jamal: That is all me, g.

That's the vice president's daughter.

As in vice president of the United States.

What? Jamal, you don't want that.

Them girls only know three words...

Stop, no, and don't.

Uh-uh, my brother. You got those words backwards.

They always tell me, "no, don't stop."

Excuse me. Player, player.

Whoo-whee, I'm taking this ass up right here. Shit.


Sorry, sir, Jaime isn't accepting any male callers at this time.

I ain't calling. I'm right here.

Cedric, step aside.

Whoo-whee!

What's your name? I'm Jamal.

You ever been arrested, Jamal?

Uh... no.

Ever busted up your mother's house, then slapped her when she asked you about it? Hell no. You crazy?

You ain't my type.

Wait a minute, wait, wait!

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

I once got arrested for stealing a car one time.

But my mother dropped the charges.

It's not a felony, but maybe we can work with that.

Yo.

Shit, I didn't mean to scare you.

I'm... Can I come in?

Sure, come on in.

Let me... move my things.

There you go. You can sit there.

Thank you. How very thoughtful.

You'll have to pardon my dust.

I've got a lot of artifacts and delicate things down here.

What's this shit?

Looks old. It is old.

It's over 200 years old.

I, um, sort of discovered it.

You discovered all this crazy shit.

You're a straight up genius, girl.

Well, I don't know about all that.

Um... I do know it's Ben Franklin's.

I just don't know what it is.

But I was thinking that it could be like this old revolutionary Cannon.

Or a telescope. Or um...

Whatever it is, this shit is hot.

Let me ask you something.

Yeah.

How'd you hook up with that Bart dude?

I've known Bart all my life.

And if it weren't for his family, I probably wouldn't be here.

Well, isn't that sweet.

Ah-ha!

Bart, honey. Sweetie.

You are just in time because I've just finished studying.

Studying? Yeah.

I didn't know the two of you were studying in here...

Alone...

With the lights dim...

Drinking beer?!

Look Silas, I know what you're trying to do, okay?

You're trying to frick her.

Whatever, bartkowski. Um, listen, I was just admiring your girl's thing.

Well, I guess I should say thanks.

This is a part of history, man.

Your girl is doing something I think you need to recognize. Yeah. So?

Listen, I'm out.

Maybe next time I'll get to study with you.

Peace. Peace is meant to explain a state of tranquility.

Okay? So, why don't you try thinking of another way to say goodbye now that you're amongst civilized people.

Well, Mr. Civilized, peace can also be used interjectionally as a request, greeting, or farewell.

So, try to find another way to be an asshole if you don't know your grammar, that is.

Peace.

Okay, Bart!

God, can I get my stuff?

Sheesh.

Yes.

It was near the medical library.

I think they said it was one of those, tick-tocky, blow-upy, exploding thing... thingy, pipebomb thing... things.

Yeah. Yeah.

Thank you. You, too.

All righty. Bye.

Dooster principle, my ass.

Mm-hmm.

Jamal: Man, my grandmother loved this shit in her garden.

Lasso, boys.

Yee-hah!

Timber!

That statue is priceless.

It means everything to our family.

Will you stop your damn sniveling, son?

Buck up, Bart.

Buck up!

Yo, do you think they gonna find out we stole the dooster statue?

Silas: Hell, no.

Oh, my god! I knew it.

You guys stole the dooster.

They do what?

Fellas, I think it's time we all sat down and kicked it.

No, no. I'm not kicking anything.

I have a pledge meeting to go to, and I still haven't greased myself up.

God, I just don't get you guys.

There's a lot of things in life your ass just don't get.

Yeah, like pussy and respect.

I heard that.

See, the system is geared to put most of the wealth into the hands of a few.

The rich weapons, poor schoolin'.

Yeah, for sure, nigger.

Yeah, for sure. Y'all don't know shit.

I'm a' learned you, though.

I'm a' learned ya.

Dwarves, midgets, motherfuckin' unicorns...

Them motherfuckers don't want to see a black man make it.

Yeah. You know what I mean?

For sure. You know?

And I'll tell you something else.

For sure.

Word up, young mc.

You're just in time to help cheer us to victory.

Young mc.

Bart, you know, I think you keep getting funnier every day.

You ain't gonna be laughing in a minute.

Jamal.

Bart, I've decided since you and Jamal are my two best athletes, I want you up against Yale.

You can't just change the line-up!

That's against the rules! What rules? Who cares?

Do you guys care about the rules?!

No. There you go.

Announcer: On your Mark, get set...

And they're off. It's a clean start.

What are you doing, hip-hop hooray? Paddle!

Paddle like a man!

Shoot the j. Get jiggy with it. Something!

Announcer: They're blowing Harvard's ass out of the water.

Jamal, what's your ass doing rowing a boat?

You're supposed to be in class.

Who the hell is that woman in the sky?!

I don't know. What's the matter?

You been smoking too much ganja, huh?

Bart: She's huge!

I guess you might as well come back home and live with me.

Oh hell, no!

Did you cuss at me? Row, motherfucker! Row!

Yes, Dean Cain.

Am I to believe this is correct?

Jamal and Silas have gotten all a's?

I'll call you back.

Coach: How you doing, Dean?

How you doing? How you been?

I see you checking out my gear, right?

It's pretty tight, right? No, actually, it's rather baggy. No, no, man.

It's phat, it's dope, it's cool, it's bufu.

Bill, what has happened to you?

Sit down and take off those glasses.

All righty.

Tell me, how's Jamal doing?

Fine. Very well. He's coming along.

Now listen, Jaime's father is having an upcoming election.

And it won't look good if she was to be involved with someone from the lower class.

Isn't Jaime a freshman?

All right, so you want me to tell Jamal to stop seeing Jaime.

He'll just tell me, "hey, man...

Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you.

Point well taken.

I need you to help me get proof that Jamal is diddling Jaime.

Oh, I see now.

Yes, it's all good.

Yeah, I'll go holler at him, son.

Bill, bill.

Did you just call me son?

Word.

Word?

Stroke, smoke, stroke, smoke, stroke, smoke, stroke, smoke, stroke, smoke...

If Dean Cain think he can kick me out the school that easy, he got another thing coming.

What an asshole. Hey, coach, thanks a lot.

I owe you.

Ooh. Listen, Jaime, me and you cannot see each other no more.

No more dating, no more fooling around.

None of that! It stops. That's it.

Yes, it's probably better if we stop seeing each other for the sake of my father's campaign.

If he lost the election and it was my fault, gosh-golly, that would be so hard on me.

I don't think I could live with myself.

But baby, maybe it'd be better if you went to school somewhere down south.

Jamal: I think you should go down south first.

This guy's a real asshole.

Jeff: I can't.

I can't do it, all right?

If you don't bring your ass on...

We got work to do before Dean dickhead gets back.

Come on.

Aren't you worried about getting kicked out?

For this? He ain't never gonna find out. Relax.

What happen to bird? Crazy shitting everywhere?

Crazy shit, all right.

And it will be everywhere.

With that they just won't shit.

Yeah. They're gonna blow up.


And as for you two, ever since you arrived on this campus, there's been several mishaps.

Now, my instincts tell me it's you, but I can't prove it. Not yet.

But I know if I give you enough time, pretty soon you're going to slip up.

And then I'll be able to send you back to your miserable existence.

What the hell are you wearing?

Bufu!

Bufu?

By us, fuck you.

Get out! Out, out, out...

By us, fuck you.

Jamal: If the chancellor's throwing a Halloween party, wait till Harvard see our Halloween party.

Silas: Yeah, but if Dean Cain find out about this shit, he gonna be mad as a motherfucker.

What the fuck is he gonna do?

We got the ivory, getting straight a's.

We got this motherfucker locked!

They look like they got money.

They kinda cute.

Girl, we gonna get paid.

How you doing? For real.

End-table ass! Hella back.

Where the party at? We trying to get a party on and stuff.

We having a party.

Costume party at the lovell house.

Ooh. 11:00 pm.

Please, bring your ass and titties along with ya.

We want all the hos out here to come.

Wait a minute. Did you just call us hos?

I meant that in a good way.

Oh. Oh, okay.

Here. Now, bring all your horny friends.

There you go. Bring all the hos.

Y'all gonna pay us, right?

I don't hear nothing.

Yo, we got dough. Talk to 'em.

Yeah, yeah. We got dough.

If not, our best friends got dough.

And if not, their best friends got dough.

Okay, yeah. We down with that.

Ass, titties, ballers.

Ballers, girl!

Okay, all right. Ballers, all right.

Both: Whoo.

Popcorn player.

Silas: I got one more delivery to make.

Guess who used to be black?

Oh, Dean Cain. But he is black.

Like a polar bear.

But I got a recipe that'll inject some ghetto back in his ass.

Got some more beer.

What did you do to yourself?

Oh, oh. The fox club.

They put me in a shopping cart and shoved me down a hill.

Thank god I fell out before I hit the freeway.

What the fuck are you doing? Put the milk back.

You're not supposed to steal from us!

Why are you always taking violent tones with people?

Man, shut up before I kick your ass!

You know, as human beings we should be able to talk this out, not resort to violence.

How you gonna talk when you shutting up?

Fine! Fine! You want some violence?!

You want a piece of this? Come on!

I'll show you some violence! Well, come on!

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!

Oh, god!

Now, go to time-out.

Go to your room.

I wonder who this could be.

Oh, my goodness.

Honey, look at this.

I wonder who these are from?

"Dear Carl, saw these and thought of you.

Love, Mrs. Ray."

It's my old school mum!

I haven't heard from her in years.

Oh, how sweet.

She knows I love brownies.

Mmm. A little piece of heaven.

Better than mine?

Darling, I don't remember you cooking brownies.

You're right. I don't.

Hurry up, you're going to make us late.

You know how I hate to be late.

Hurry, hurry, hurry. All right.

I'll take these upstairs.

I'll have another.

They're great.

Throw me a beer, you big weenie!

Whoo!

Lovell house!

Cypress hill. What up, fellas?

What's up, man?

How was the trip? Good. Good.

I see muggs couldn't make it, so I brought my man, I need money.

Is he any good? Yeah, he don't talk.

He speak with his hands. Know what I mean?

Right, right, right. You have a good show.

Hey, hey.

Don't fuck up tonight, all right?

Hey, what the fuck is the plate for, man?

It's gonna be a long night.

Carl. Philip.

How are you? Wonderful.

You know miss janowitz from the chemistry department.

And miss lovell from administration.

You know my wife, Sheila. Almost didn't recognize you.

I thought you brought a professional model to the party.

You look lovely. Oh, Philip.

Yeah, the bitch is fine, ain't she?

What?

Dear, can you at least feign some interest?

You're embarrassing me.

And will you loosen up? You're so stiff sometimes.

Stiff?

This party is stiff.

Excuse me, can you hold this? I'm hot.

Can you put this back on, actually?

Your... your butt is sticking out.

What?

What a jerk!

Philip: Don't spoil your appetite. We're about to have some lobster bisque and Indian pudding.

I got the munchies like a motherfucker.

Hold this, baby.

He seems unusual tonight.

He's dehydrated.

Dance.

Yo, baby, this is boring as hell!

Yo, yo, yo, dj?!

Hit me!

Come here, girl!

Go, Dean!

See, I told you I have you covered.

There go the two big ballers right there.

You two stay put. I'm going to hurt you.

Hey, hey, hey...

Yo, j, yo, t.

See those two fine-ass hos right there?

Don't you wish they were really hos?

And they came over here and said, "we want to run a dick-sucking marathon with y'all two."

Oh, yeah. I'd like that. Me, too.

Okay, you and you.

We want to run a dick-sucking marathon with y'all.

Tuan: Okay.

I'm not that good at it.

Oh, baby, I ain't laughing.

I'm gonna make you mine.

Smells good.

Pretty boy lookin' motherfucker.

Hey, don't be scared.

It's only pussy.

Don't be scared.

I got two inches of hard dick.

I'll work with you, baby. Come on.

Powder: Costume party.

Place, lovell house. Time, Friday.

It is Friday. That's what she told cocoa butter.

These bitches better be getting my money.

Hella back is my bottom bitch. You know that, right?

Right, right. Okay.

The bitch better be out here checkin' my money.

Please don't cuss. You know when I'm trying to listen to the word. The lord don't like that.

What did I say? You said, "bitch."

And "bitch" ain't in the Bible.

I know, bitch! And neither is motherfucker!

So drive this motherfuckin' car!

And you the assistant pimp.

You ain't even a real pimp.

You're supposed to co-signing to the shit that I say.

You want to lose your job? I'm gonna pull your application.

Now let's practice it. Where's my bitches?

Where's my bitches? Where's my bitches?

You got to say it together. It goes in together.

Where my bitches? Where my bitches?

Okay, check this out. Where my bitches?

Where my... can't we just say employees?

What about your employees? No, fuck that.

Great ass!

Crowd: Go, go, go!

Silas, hi. Hey, hey.

Let me ask you a question.

Now, don't laugh.

But, um...

Does my ass look fat?

No, I say put another one on the front of you just like it, I'll slap both them motherfuckers.

Badow! Badow!

Here, peer pressure. Peer pressure.

Let me holler at you. Okay.

Oh, that's my song.

Ooh, what's this?

Ooh, you got a big sword, baby.

I...

I have to go prepare.

You ain't got to do shit, baby, except climb out of this costume and climb into some pussy.

You have to appreciate the colorful use of english language. Oh, yeah!

Give me that Chinese egg roll fuck.

Tuan: I love America!

Let it be something that he is involved in, and I'd better be the biggest cheerleader. He's a huge baby.

Yeah, I hear you with your fine ass, but pass the blunt.

Damn, you hogging the whole shit.

I'm sorry.

I must be buzzed, I'm babbling.

You know, you surprised me by getting high.

I'm not that much of a square, Silas.

I did do it once in high school.

What about you?

We all have secrets.

Well, if you act right, I might just let you in my head one day.

Whatever.

But I ain't saying shit on the first date.

Who said this was a date?

You smoked my weed, didn't you?

And we almost kissed, didn't we?

We did not. Yes, we did.

We did not. Here, hit this.

Oh, my bad. Did I spoil the moment?

I can't help it, though. Them shits was talking to me.

You know what?

Look at them things. Turn the headlights off.

I'm gonna tell you something. This pimpin' that I got in my blood, it came from a family trait.

My grandaddy was a pimp.

My great-great-great grandaddy was a pimp.

I'm talking about pimpin' been since pimpin' since been pimpin'.

It's in your bloodline. It's in my blood.

And you will never be that. Wh... what?

Because you was born, all the people in your family were assistant pimps.

Assistant pimp? I never did tell you that.

I thought you was the one the lord chose.

If it had not been for the lord, I wouldn't have not had a bitch come into my life.

Not now, never? Not a now, notha bitch.

Nobody say that now, nothing like you say that now notha.

Not a now, notha bitch.

And I still don't know what that shit means, but it sound good.

Now notha means, "don't get a now nothin'."

A now nothin'. Nothin' outta them.

Man, shut the fuck up and drive this mother...

I apologize, father.

Raging party with open beer cans in hallway.

What's this?

Sterilize hands tonight.

Sterilize hands tonight with anti-bacterial cream many times.

What do we have here?

Nothing.

Ah-ha!

Multi-socket extension cubes.

This is against campus fire code, section 1743:

"Thou shall not allow multi-socket extension cubes use in dorm rooms.

The extension cords themselves are intertwined in the most flammable of ways, and are producing an immense amount of heat.

It could cause an ignition at any point... "

I'll be damned. What is that?

It's...

This a baby.

This ain't no damn baby.

What kind of shit is that hangin' out the back?

I need to get her home. Excuse me.

Where you going with that?

Come on. God damn.

Where them motherfuckin' bitches at?

Man, it smell like...

Look at that, look at this little bitty bitch.

Hey, little bitty bitch.

You little bitch, you better get up off of me!

Where's my bitches?

Yo, what's up, homie?

Where's my bitches at? Where're our bitches?

You got the voice down, but those outfits no good.

What's wrong with my shit?

Homie, puh-lease! Your Halloween costume!

If you pimp, you broke pimp!

You know you're fucked up, Woody, don't you?

Come on with it. Baby powder?

You changing diapers?


What the fuck is all this?

What you all three bitches want? Tell 'em, powder!

We already got pussy here. Y'all come back later.

I'm about to knock you the fuck out.

I'm gonna do the knockin' out. Come on with it.

Where you going?

You got to stay!

A party ain't a party without you!

You smelly little mother...

Plus, there's no room in the limo!

I'll be back for you, man!

You ain't gonna need this.

Cops!

Somebody owes me for a night's worth of flat-back fuckin' up in here!

This is exhilarating. But don't get the wrong idea.

Megan and I have never done anything like this before.

We're virgins. Yeah, both of us.

Molly and I are really into diangelo.

Do you have any? Ain't that a bi...

Hell, no! We ain't got no diang...

And let me let you know something!

While in this car, you don't run shit!

Tell 'em, powder. Dick drives this car!

Not pussy!

You think it's funny, bitch?! This is pimpin' here.

I've been on "wheel of fortune,"

"price is right... " it's funny?

Come on with it. Oh, boy.

Y'all rather piss off barracuda than piss off powder.

Oh, it's funny. Keep on laughing.

Bring your face over here.

Pay that shit!

Wow.

Ooh.

Jamal: Man, come on. You act like I took it.

We'll just get some more. Ain't no more.

All of ivory's ashes was in just that plant.

Now, come on, let's go see what this Dean stick-up-his-ass wants.

He probably gonna curse us out about that wild-ass party.

Man, that party was not that wild.

Yeah, it did get a little out of hand.

Know what I'm saying?

Sex novelties, obscenity, fighting, indecent exposure, rock bands without a permit.

Welcome, gentlemen, to academic probation.

Damn, who gonna be our o.O.?

How charmingly ghetto.

You're dismissed.

We ain't got no ivory, we're about to get kicked the fuck out of here, and what the fuck are you doing?

I'm working on my truth serum.

Why you got to sound all belligerent about my shit?

"Belligerent"? Yeah, belligerent.

As in abusive or truculent.

You keep on using them big-ass Harvard words and your ghetto pass is gonna get revoked.

Why don't you go pick up a book or something?

If I get this shit right, I'll get an "a" in botany class.

Ah, motherfucker. When I was 12, I used to love watching my dogs hump.

We used to have a good time.

Aaah!

God, this shit is nasty.

Aaah!

What the fuck is that?

I'm going to have to tweak this shit a little.

Me hungry.

I say we burn them books, go to that graveyard, find us a smart dead guy, and smoke his skeleton ass.

We sit down, Blaze up, hit the books for a few hours a day, we got this.

I'm telling you, we don't need no smart dead guy.

Woo hoo hoo hoo.

That's what I'm talking about.

Light that shit up.

Hit them books, toonie.


Jamal: These are our midterms?

See what I'm saying? All f's, son.

We are fucked. Fucked, fucked, fucked, fucked!

How did I fail women's studies?

I love bitches!

What are we doing?

Looking for a smart dead guy.

Well, guys. Hey! This guy'll do.

He's a president.

Yeah, he should know all the fucking answers.

Answers? What are you talking about?

Oh, no, no, no, no! Wait, no, no!

You can't dig up somebody's grave! That's disgusting!

You guys don't think there's anything wrong with this?

Huh?

You guys are fucked up! What are you gonna do with this now?

What the fuck is this shit?

Oh god.

Stop acting like a little bitch. Get the body.

Shit.

What the fuck are you doing?

Get the body, man.

Jamal: You should have some more respect for an ex-president.

Asshole.

Silas: Come on, put this shit on your back.

Jeff: Oh god, no.

Silas: Shut up before I slap the shit out of you!

Come on, come on, come on.

Oh my god, it's so...

Fly!

Go fly!

Yo, Silas! What's up, dog?

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Who are you? Can you see me?

Relax! Relax! It's not opening. Open window!

Yo, what the fuck are we gonna do now?

Fuck you think we gonna do?

We gonna smoke his ass, then we gonna start asking questions.

Wait a minute.

Didn't you put the ashes in the soil before you grew the plant?

We ain't got no time for that shit.

We got to grind him now. Get this on.

No, no, no, no. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!

This is a president, man.

What the fuck are we doing?

You want to stay in Harvard or what?

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

I need money, did you check him for any jewelry or money on him or anything?

Fuck all that! I'm cutting this arm now!

Son of a... shit!

Get the arm! Get the arm, man!

Y'all calm down! We got this!

Calm down! Jeff: This is insane.

Ohh, shit!

You is a nasty motherfucker!

I can't smoke a finger.

This shit's not working.

Hey, what up, bro's?

I didn't know that you guys were gonna be here!

I saved your plant.

What did you do to it?

This is a special plant.

I know.

You stole our plant! Damn right he stole your plant.

Yo, Silas, this idiot smoked up all the plant!

You're gonna have to study on your own.

Damn, they can't hear me or see me.

Tell 'em! S-s-someone else was breaking in here.

So I caught them. Maybe you can give me a reward, right?

Like more of the plant? We ain't got no more goddamn plant!

Hoggin' all the good shit, huh? That's fine.

Let's go, ivory!

Wait, ivory here? Yeah, maybe.

Ivory: Repeat after me. Repeat after me.

Yo, dog! Yo, zog!

Dog! Zog!

You idiot! You idiot!

Shit, I'm disappearing. Shit, I'm disappearing.

What? What?

What? What? What?

Silas: This reminds me of my lab back at the crib.

I have some of this same stuff.

How'd you get that? I stole it.

Why don't you just place them on the wall there?

Well, well, well.

Never thought I'd find you two ghetto asses up in here studying.

Ghetto asses?

Oh, did I say that?

It must be the effects of the brownies you sent me.

They must still be in my system.

Lauren, how's the project coming?

Fine. As a matter of fact, I'm going to check on that right now. You know, I got to go.

No, no, no, no, no.

Yo, Dean, why you got to be a hater?

Oh, yes, I'm a hater.

I hate pot-smoking punks that think everything should just be given to them.

You two are an absolute disgrace to this university.

Yo, Dean, man. What are those?

Oh, these?

These are invitations to the alumni celebration in which the vice president will be attending.

And Lauren will be unveiling her Benjamin Franklin experiment.

Ah. Certain students will be invited.

Those that pass their finals.

For real? But you won't pass your finals.

You'll fail, and then I'll have you out of my hair and out of Harvard.

Happy studying, gentlemen.

Fuck!

I'm trying to do my thing. It's pimpin' over here, baby.

Baby powder, when you gonna pay us our money?

I got a $25 money order... $25?

Money order? That you bitches can split.

Both: Who you calling a bitch, bitch?

Come on with it. I got ya.

Oh! If it ain't ricepuff daddy.

No, no, powder, that's run-msg.

Hey, what you listening to, brother?

Wu-tang. Wu-tang.

I... we don't listen to that Chinese shit!

We do this little trip. This what we do.

You guys! Show 'em, powder!

Powder, you a genius. You need to sit down.

I'm gonna round them almond eyes of yours out!

You understand me pimpin'? Hold on, powder.

Let's not get ig'nant. Maybe he just came here to pay our money.

No, I come for your girls. Wooo!

You're gonna come back and give me them two duck sauces your mama...

You can't hold me back! Go tuan!

Let me get my stinkin' blade out.

Let me get my blade out. I'm gonna...

Ooh, shit! Come on, bee-atch.

Man, it was two egg rolls. It wasn't the duck sauce.

Oooh! Ow!

Who the bitch now, bitch?

Bee-atch!

I need to slap my goddamn self for that.

Pimps go through this kind of shit from time to time.

Yes, Dean Cain here.

Yes, I did receive them. As a matter of fact, I was just going over Silas and Jamal's grades, and I see they're all f's.

Yes, I agree.

Very sad. Very sad, indeed.

Yes. Well, I'll speak to you later. Bye bye.

Yes! Yes! Yes!

Tuan: Hey!

Dean Cain expects us off campus by Monday.

It went that bad in botany class?

Kid lost about 15 pounds of fluid.

And that was just from the mouth.

And I'm still below a 2.0.

We gonna get kicked the fuck out this school.

Maybe I can go back to being your manager, and you strip at that club again like you used to.

No, you can't give up! You can't let the Dean win.

Did commander riker give up when the borg infiltrated the starship enterprise and captain picard came back all half-robot?

The borgs? They're here!

Oh, god! Run for your lives!

The point is... My point is shut the fuck up.

It's over.

And we outta here. Washing my hands.

Silas, man, you can't give up.

If you get this botany grade changed, they have to keep you.

Yeah. My... my truth serum.

Yeah. I got to fix it.

That's right. Yo!

Here's your coffee.

Silas: Nausea.

Ah, Bart, nice to see you.

Listen, I think I have a solution to your little problem.

Oh, no. I already got the prescription filled.

Zing!

Not that problem.

I'm talking about the boys.

Those rejects have been rejected.

Yo, Dean Cain! Look who's back.

Holler.

Phil: Dean, what a surprise. Look who's here.

How exciting. Guys we weren't expecting you, but you're right on time.

Let's go meet the next likely leader of the free world.

What are you two doing here?

Couldn't have my future ex-wife show up to some bigwig event without her daddy on her arms.

Ain't that right, baby? Right, daddy.

Old friends, fellow alums, it's wonderful being back here at Harvard.

And I get to see my beautiful daughter.

Hi, honey. Hi, daddy.

Daddy? This is Jamal.

Jamal, this is my dad. Ah-ha. Hello, Jamal.

Mr. President. And I call you Mr. President

'cause I know you gonna rock this election.

I hope you're right, son. Uh-oh. Camera.

All right, ivory, this is the last of you.

Do your stuff.

Ah! Oh, hey, professor.

What's going on? Nice to see you again.

Listen, tonight I got a feeling you're gonna see my experiment work.

I hope we don't have to pass out any barf bags.

Don't even worry about that.

See, I found my secret ingredient.

By adding a little bit of chro... cannibis, I was able to counteract the nausea.

I'm proud of you.

Thank you, professor. Thank you, man.

I actually feel wonderful. Isn't he great, daddy?

Both: Yeah. He's great.

Ow!

Secret service!

Hey, Jamie, here's your dad after a frat party!

We don't want the Dean to get his panties in a bunch!

Carl, it's all right. He might want a spanking!

Sit down.

Jamal: Wait a minute.

I know y'all ain't playing grab-ass while I'm entertaining my future vanilla villa father are ya?

Yeah! Oh, yeah! Mm-hm. Yeah?

Man, look. The serum working. They high, dog! Look!

Hey, man, look. I got something to tell you.

Man, I've been pinching your weed off.

What you telling me for? Damn! I don't know.

I guess it's that new serum, man. I'm sorry, man.

That's okay. Don't worry about it. It ain't all right.

I been taking your cds, I been using your weed pipes, I even been looking at Lauren's ass. Whoa!

She's fine! And if she gave me the chance, I would wax that ass till she showed me what she wa...

Whoa, whoa, bro.

Jamal, I will take that as a compliment.

Thank you.

We all know that Harvard has been honored to host some of Benjamin Franklin's artifacts, which I personally found.

Like this Cannon-like article back here.

Now later, you can take note of the foot-operated carburetor, the reservoir, and the top-loading bud bowl.

Ladies and gentlemen, Harvard is now the proud owner of America's first... Bong.

Dean Cain: A bong?!

This is outrageous!

If Benjamin Franklin were here today, he would deny and denounce any claim to these so-called findings!

I'm gonna have to disagree on that.

Yo, Ben, tell this fool. Is that a bong or what?

Yup, it's the Liberty bong.

Light that shit.

Both: Smoke that shit. Pass that shit.

You got to come to this party, Ben. You got a party?

Hey, man. Hey.

Come on, man, smoke. Gerald!

Oh, yeah.

This is insane!

What are you all laughing at?!

Dean, I have had it with your uptight, self-serving, over-opinionated ass!

Jamal: Get him! In short, you are fired!

Oh, hit the bricks, dog!

Silas! Jamal!

Yo, dog, man. Look like you did it, dog.

You got a new serum, man.

You gonna be an herbal scientist, my brother.

Me and you turned this place upside down, didn't we? Did we!

Amazing what two brothers from the pj's could do with just a little bit of opportunity.

Word.

Holler at ya, dog. I will.

Whoo!

Oh, secret service!

Wh-wh-whoa! Dean, Dean, ease up on the black-on-black crime.

Oh! This motherfucker done messed up my shit!

Back up, nigga! You better give me three feet!

Give me three feet!

Whoa!

Hey, get up.

Oh, cool.

Take him away, boys. Take your hands off of me!

Do you realize who I am? What are you looking at?!

I need money! You talked!

Why yes, Jamal.

It is somewhat of a surprise to me, also.

Lord, it's a gift! It's a gift from above!

Make you float like a dove!

Make you scream like Michael in a rhinestone glove!

Lord, lord, lord.

Both: Popcorn player.

I didn't inhale! Whoo-hoo!

God, this is the wildest time I've ever had.

Then you won't mind that I'm banging your daughter on the regular?

No, no, not at all!

Good, 'cause Jamal's gonna be my baby daddy.

Vice president: Ah.

Son, welcome to the family. Daddy.

Silas, your experiment was a success.

Your serum worked, and you're going to get an "a" in my course.

Ohh... professor! So that means I get to stay?

You betcha! You can stay as long as it takes you to graduate.

I don't care. Right, ladies?

Both women: Mm-hm. Shall we, ladies?

Bart: Hey, down here! This is not happening!

Lauren, you are coming with me!

Honey, you have never satisfied me.

Huh?

Silas?

But I can.

Now the day you lay off is the day you pay off.

We come in here to get our old bitches, but if they ain't in here, we gonna get them intellect bitches and start our own new stable. You feel me?

Just keep it pimp-alicious, though, baby.

Powder, what are you doing here?

What are you doing in here, Phil?!

I've been rolling this joint for 20 years.

But if these people knew I was using your dial-a-ho service, they might not understand.

You are one of my biggest customers. You like them hand jobs.

Fat bitches pissing on you all the time!

I like the ladies. Lickin' poodle feets.

Let's stop it right there. Have you ever been to college?

Yeah, two years. Pussyology.

Academia. I like it. Give me a call next week.

I think we can work something out.

Today's class is called pimpology I and ii.

I'm one, that's two.

That's what your ass will be if you don't pass this class.

It got to come out right!

If it don't come out right you ain't gonna get to pimp tonight!

Where my bitches? Where my bitches?

Come on with it, and let it fly!

Not yourselves! Shit!

That was deep. That was deep.

And b-cam roll. B marker.

Cut!

And another thing. I forgot my motherfuckin' line!

Yo, stop doing that shit. You can't be laughing at me.

Fuck my close-up up, nigger.

They know we stole The statue.

I knew it! You guys and your lies!

Silas: Can I get some pussy? Sure. Come on in.

I told you we shoulda went to ucla.

I'm about to go stick my dick in a thermos or something.

Puffs for purgatory. For everybody. Line 'em up.

Puffs for purgatory, baby. Puffs for purgatory.

Puffs for purgatory!

See each other no more. I mean, the fuckin' around, the s... ah, shit!

I pledge allegiance to the pimp, the united pimps of America.

Silas: Come on, you fuckers! Call action!

Uh-oh. I don't give a fuck if it breaks.

You hear me? God damn it!

Turn that goddamn water off!

Cut, cut, cut.

Cut. Cut.

Cut! Cut.

Cu-ut!

The movie's over. Why are you guys still in your seat?

Go home! Why don't y'all want to leave?

Yo ladies and gentlemen, we got Toni Braxton up in the house.