How to Be a Latin Lover (2017) Script

Give it to me! No.

Maximo! Sara! Your father is here.




I'm okay...

This is a nightmare.

I know it's horrible living here, but we're still a family.

I don't need a family.

What I need is somewhere to live that isn't an old wreck.

When I grow up, I'm going to be an architect, so I can build a big house for us.

What are you going to do?

I'm going to sleep. No.

What are you going to do for work?

I'm going to be rich, so I don't have to work.

But Papa always said that you get what you work for, not what you wish for.

And look what happened to him!

It's time to sleep, children. [both] We're already asleep.


This is who I'm going to be.

IT'S TIME TO INDULGE YOURSELF He didn't get that rich without having a job.


I don't want his job.

I want hers.

Talk to me, Rafa. What's on the menu?

Take a look at lounge chair number three.

There's a hot one over there... super rich!

I see her, I see her.

She does look it!

Who is she?

Peggy Von Strauss.

Fifty-five, divorced... but she's loaded. Yeah?

Her family owns the biggest supermarket chain in the United States.

She's perfect.

Have I ever told you that you remind me of Mr. Rojas?

He was my Spanish professor in college, with whom I had a passionate affair?

Yes, I think you mentioned it once or twice... or every time I see you.

I can't believe this.

After I gave her my best years, after I gave her my youth, after I gave her the best of me!

Of course, now that my boobs have sagged, she finds someone younger than me.

I'm leaving. I'm leaving!

Look, once I cross this threshold, I'm never coming back!

I'm not! Okay.

I'm not coming back! It's over!

It's over forever!

But she's going to miss me.

She'll miss my seeds.

Come harvest time, she'll miss my seeds.

It's me, your brother.

Open the door, will you?


ls this for real?

You show up today, as if it were nothing?

After you didn't even bother coming to see our dying mother, when that avocado tree fell on her.

You didn't come to see my child when he was born.

What made you think I'd have any desire to see you?

You can't just show up like this. I'm not opening the door for you!

I'm not--

Hey, Sara! Sarita!

I can't believe this. Me neither!

You're happy to see me, right?


What are you doing here?

Nothing! I wanted to see you and my niece.

Nephew! That! Niece, no? Nephew?

Niece? What did I say? Nephew?

Nephew. That's it, nephew.

Tell me what you want and then beat it!

Peggy kicked me out.

She took everything. Everything!

But wasn't everything hers to begin with?

Okay, fine. She kept everything.

She even kept the car I picked out for her to buy for me to give to her for our anniversary.

I'm sorry to hear that.

I know you're angry with me, but... can I stay with you?

Here? Here in my house?

Yes. I have nowhere else to stay.

Really? You have honestly lost your mind!

You're my sister!

Oh, I'm your sister now? You've always been my sister!

Oh, come on, Maximo! What?

I can't believe what comes out of your mouth!

Don't be like this.

Take that!

One day and that's it.

Come in. Really?

Grab your things! What, you think I'll carry them?

This isn't a hotel!

Hey, your apartment is nice. Thanks.

Like, outside it seemed a little... but it's cool.

What's wrong? I'm armed!

I'm armed!

Shut up!

What? Are you a carpenter or something?

When you're both the man and the woman of the house, you have to be a handyman and do whatever is necessary.

I just help out when something gets jammed, or there's a problem in his house.

Go on, then!

I don't think they'll let me.

I look like my grandfather.

I kept it close by like you asked me, paisano.

Thank you...

Baby, please.

Fuck me.

Come on, now.

You know what it's like to like someone! Don't you?

Mr. "I need you to grease my door once a week."


It's not the same thing. 'Course it is!

And James is just a friend! Oh, my God.

You're changing the subject!

I don't speak English.

Don't be an idiot.

Why With a tortilla?

Get up, lazy bum!


Hugo is asleep now.

Why did you act so weird? What's wrong?

What do you think is wrong?

I'm rusty. I don't feel ready to go out with anyone.

When was the last time?

Five years ago.

I mean, when was the last time you-- Five years.


That's enough!

Are you serious?

Yeah. Okay?

Stop laughing-

The bakery has been closed for some time.

Your pastry is going to go stale.

You're such a jerk.

My God, what are you waiting for?

I don't know.

You like this little gringo?

You like the gringo!

So go, then!

I'm afraid.

You know what I do when I'm afraid?



My God, leave my bakery alone. Don't talk to me about my bakery.

No, but seriously...

I don't know how you've managed to go on, in spite of all your suffering, to keep going, to always move forward.

Hugo. That's why I admire you.

I can because of Hugo.

Hugo, how?

When my husband died, there were days when I couldn't even breathe.

But, how do you explain to a small child that he has to take care of himself, because his morn wants to lock herself in her room and cry?

You can't.

But I have a trick to cheer me up when I'm very sad.

Anti-depressants? No.

No, look...

I take any sad song, and turn it into a salsa.

A sad song?

How about "El Triste"?

Let's go.

You're stepping on me!

Come on. Let's go! "El Triste"!

You'll see. Come on!

I'm falling asleep, this isn't a salsa.

There we go!

There we go!

You see? You're not rusty!

All you need to do is relax and have fun, that's all! Huh?

You honestly don't mind taking him to the party?

No. It would be the greatest honor of my life.

Come on! Okay.

Send him a text. Text him! Text him! Come on!

Text him, come on! Do it!

That's my sister! That's my sister!


Behold the glory of God's creation. Oh, baby!

Did you dye your hair? Yep!

All of it.

I gave myself a little makeover.

Maybe next time they can make over your brain.

I know perfectly well... I look very good.

Very good.

I love you, stupid face.

I love you too, little sister.

Maximum, minimum.

Beautiful, like your uncle.

Oh, Jesus!

Bad friend! Coward! You have no shame!

Sorry, I forgot the code. ls Hugo here?

Yes, thank God. Not thanks to you.

Can I speak with him?


Please? Just let me explain.

How do you explain to a child who opened up his heart to you that you were only using him to seduce the grandmother of the girl he likes?

I can't believe that I was stupid enough to let you humiliate him and hurt him like that!

I'm sorry, okay?

Where is Hugo's camera?

I promise I'll get it back to you.

So, you were the one who stole it.

No, I didn't steal it.

Don't kick me out, look...

Sara, don't kick me out! We're family!

No. You're not family.

You're nothing more than a lazy 46 year old freeloader, who doesn't think of anyone but himself.

You didn't just steal his camera!

You stole his hopes. You stole his dreams.

But it ends now.

You will never use me or Hugo again, understood?

I'm 39.


You said I'm 46, but I'm 39.

No, you're not. Of course I am.

Hell no! Of course I am.

But I'm 42!

So what? You're my older brother!

I don't know what to tell you.

You know what?

I hope you grow up one day.


But it won't be in my house.

Okay, I'm 40.

Okay, 41.

We're twins!


This is all for you, baby.

Look at me.

Here's Hugo's camera.

If we go now, we can still make the science fair!

The fair was yesterday. Hugo missed it.

No! He told me Sunday at 1:00!

Today is Monday. You're too late.

No, no...

It's never too late...

This time it is. 24 hours late, to be exact.

Thanks for the camera. Sara...

You didn't think I'd be selling frozen yogurt all my life, did you?

Young lady!

Yes, you've been a very bad girl.

This woman's a lot of work. Oh, my God...

Stop it!

You wish!

What's wrong with you?

Come here, come here.

Come here!


Thank you. Thank you!

You helped make my dream come true.

You're so talented.

I love you.

I love you.

Don't call him "jugo."

His name is Hugo!

Same thing!

Are you insane? Come back this instant!

Bring back Hugo, my son!