How to Build a Better Boy (2014) Script

( sirens wailing )

Go!

Move! Move! Move!

Move it!

Right side of the building.

Go! Go!

Ladies and gentlemen, we're on contain and capture protocol!

Our fugitives are on site!

The President called.

He wants an update. Is he upset?

You lost track of a $3 billion weapon.

I'm sure he's thrilled.

Stay back, Doctor.

Let me reason with them, General. I can get them to talk.

We're past the time for a friendly chat.

As far as I'm concerned, the most dangerous criminals in the world are right down there!

Give yourselves up!

You've stolen property of the United States government.

Come out peacefully and tell us everything we want to know, or you will be locked up and tried for treason!

And there is no way you are going to homecoming!

But, Dad!

Not another word, young lady.

I want you to get into this bulletproof Humvee this minute. And I want you to think about what you have done!

♪ Don't sweat the little things, guys ♪

♪ Keep your eye on the bigger things, guys ♪

♪ If you look a little closer ♪

♪ You're gonna get a better picture ♪

♪ You and I would make too fun life ♪

♪ Rockets in the night ♪

♪ Keep your head up, keep the down ♪

♪ Throw it all in, make your own ground ♪

♪ And if you're gonna make a mess, make it loud ♪

♪ And if you're gonna take a stand, stand out ♪

♪ Life is our game, we can go play ♪

♪ Shake a don't be afraid ♪

♪ And if you're gonna make a mess, make it loud ♪

♪ And if you're gonna take a stand, stand out ♪

♪ Stand out, oh, oh ♪

♪ Stand out, oh, oh ♪

♪ Stand out, oh, oh ♪

♪ Stand out ♪

( school bell ringing )

( indistinct chatter )

We're done.

In ten minutes?

Nine, actually.

I appreciate your confidence, Gabby, but you're sophomores and this is senior calculus.

Why don't you and Mae check your work?

Yep, still done.

Gabby and Gabby junior, wrecking the curve.

As usual.

Dorks.

( laughing )

Mrs. Shapiro, may we have hall passes?

Mae is tutoring, and I'm heading up a meeting about healthier choices on the cafeteria menu.

There's no time to waste when there's so much to improve around here.

Thanks. They called us dorks.

No, no, no, they said sporks.

It's the world's most versatile utensil.

So, the tangent of three pi over four is...

Well, it's in quadrant two, so...

I'll never get it.

Hey, you play quarterback, right?

Close your eyes.

Come on, just trust me.

So picture the football field as a circle on the graph.

The tight end is lined up at zero... on the path of the circle.

Strong safety is at pi over four...

the free safety is...

Uh, three pi over four.

And with X being negative... the answer is negative one.

Bingo.

I got it! Wow, that... that is so cool.

I didn't know you liked football.

I don't really... but... you do.

What's your deal? I mean, social-life wise?

Are you going to homecoming?

Oh.

Is that this weekend?

It's the biggest weekend of the year.

You're going to the dance, right?

I don't know.

Gabby and I like to play it by ear.

Us and all of our friends, our crew, our posse.

Well, you should go.

You never know what you'll miss.

Can you believe it? Yeah.

I know this is gonna sound crazy.

I feel like Jaden likes me.

He needs you... to do his problem sets.

Me and Jaden, impossible, right?

But we had this moment today, and it's like, he was gonna ask me to homecoming.

Mae, have you ever heard the story of a girl who met a boy and changed the world?

No, because there isn't one.

Look, who cares that people here don't like us or if we don't get invited to silly dances?

We have the brains.

We're an amazing team, and someday, we're gonna blow them all away.

But we need to focus.

Boys are a distraction.

You're right.

You're always right. ( bell ringing )

Nevaeh for homecoming queen, obviously. aeh for homecoming queen. Thanks.

All fixed, Principal Fragner.

It won't crash when you load videos and it should run ten times faster now.

Well, thanks, Gabby.

Now I can catch up on my online tango lessons.

Okay.

( phone rings )

Oh!

Oh, what's wrong?

Jaden texted.

I told you to forget about him.

He texted me. Unprovoked.

"Meet me after practise." With an S.

"Have to ask letter U an important question."

"C U Lader." With a D.

Wow. Even auto-correct can't help this kid.

Well, I mean, it must be about the dance.

What else would be important?

Mae.

Jaden Stark is not gonna ask you to homecoming.

"See you there."

T-H-E-I-R.

Ugh. You didn't.

I'm going.

To quote Julius Caesar, "Cowards die a thousand deaths."

You know Caesar got stabbed, right?

Hmm.

Thanks, Nevaeh.

( blows whistle ) ( grunting )

It's all about one word, men! Focus!

Heart! Defense!

Tenacity!

Hi.

Uh, this is so ill-advised.

Okay, now when Jaden comes over here, act normal.

Don't say anything smart.

Okay. Uh-oh.

I don't think I'm your problem.

Why is Nevaeh coming over here?

She doesn't even know who I am.

Bon jour, ladies.

What brings you here?

Jaden invited us.

Mae, you and Jaden aren't even on the same social radar.

See, here's the social radar and over here is Siberia, and over there, that's--

That's you.

( laughter )

Why do people even like you?

Well, I'm not the one trying to steal someone's homecoming date.

Mae thinks Jaden is asking her.

But Jaden and I have been dating for like, 17 whole days.

And everyone knows it except, apparently, the school geniuses.

I never-- I never said that.

I know what you saids and dids, pumpkin.

And I know a crush when I see one.

So back off.

Hey, what's going on?

Oh, silly girl talk.

Hey, Jaden, um, you're asking me to the dance, right?

Yeah.

( laughter )

I knew it.

But there have been some nasty rumors in the kingdom.

( laughter )

Mae, what I wanted to ask you was... can we go over quadratic functions tomorrow?

You know me, I'm clueless.

Yes, we can see that.

Sorry to burst your bubble.

Sad face emoji.

Au revoir.

Let's go, Mae.

Told you this was a bad idea.

Hey, Nevaeh!

My bubble is totally un-burst because I already have a boyfriend!

Mae, what are you doing?

See, my boyfriend, so cute.

Total hot burger.

And his name is...

Albert. Albert!

Oh. Yeah, that's right.

He's varsity in five sports, genius IQ.

And he volunteers with endangered animals.

Orphan endangered animals.

So when can we meet this...

Albert?

Oh, well, see, the thing is...

he lives in Alaska.

Right around the corner in Alaska?

For a second there, I thought you were gonna pick some super remote place to cover up the fact that he doesn't exist.

Huh! Come on, ladies.

What did you just get us into?

( indistinct chatter ) ( laughter )

Hey, Mae! Can't wait to meet your new boyfriend!

I don't know why I did that.

Temporary insanity.

Ahoy, ladies.

Need a ride?

Uh, Mae, your brother bought a cab.

Bart, you bought a cab?

No, it's a classic car.

You like it, Gabby?

Absolutely!

My grandpa used to have a car exactly like this... when he drove a cab.

I got a great deal on it.

And you guys only get the privilege to get a ride because the seniors got out early because of homecoming. ( phone chimes )

Oh, Mae, congrats on getting owned by Nevaeh Barnes.

Yeah, it is all over our school's website.

And even I have never done anything that pathetic.

Really? How about that time you cried when your Wizardcraft avatar died?

Do not disrespect a fallen hero.

Kravtar saved thousands with his magic.

Just drive us home, Bart.

Do we all ride for the same price?

Oh.

I wonder if it's too late to be home-schooled.

A fake boyfriend?

How are we going to pull that one off?

Well, I'm not gonna create an online profile for some pretend boy.

That's just creepy and lame. Agreed.

Guess I'll just have to come clean.

And be taunted for all eternity by Nevaeh and her minions.

Why is Jaden even with her?

I thought he was different.

That's what I've been trying to tell you.

High school boys are like old smart phones.

They're buggy, they think too slowly.

And they crash when you need them most.

Why don't we invent a better one?

What?

What if we make you a boyfriend?

An interactive, virtual boy.

Like the best one ever.

And we do that how?

I spent the summer at coder camp.

And your dad designs the coolest video game characters in the world.

His software must be off the chain.

Well, yeah.

And totally off limits.

I mean, his office is locked up like a bank vault.

We don't need to get inside.

We could just surf in on bits of data.

So you want to hack into my dad's secure network and build me some high-def boyfriend?

That's insane.

I know, but it's better than letting Nevaeh win.

You better sleep over.

Let me text my mom.

Okay, I can. Okay, but we cannot get caught.

My dad is super secretive about his work.

What's the big deal?

It's a video-game company, not the Department of Defense.


Welcome to my humble lab, General.

All right, doctor, time to see what Uncle Sam's been paying you for.

Oh, just follow me.

You can take the elevator. And you can-- Okay.

Gentlemen, I give you the future birthplace of the X-17.

The world's first covert robotic operative.

It's an impressive achievement... in theory.

Are you prepared to move to the fabrication stage?

You get the go-ahead from the President, and I'll make history.

Consider it done. Thank you, sir.

Jenks!

We did it, guys!

Ugh, your dad's network has like 20 layers of encryptions.

Even our microwave is password protected.

COMPUTER: Door secure.

We can't quit.

With this software, Albert could be totally virtual.

He could text, call, and video chat, all on his own. He'll be better than 3D.

He'll be 3D-licious.

Mmm.

We're in!


COMPUTER: Welcome to Superior Gaming Incorporated This is it.

COMPUTER: Begin prototype creation.

Enter geopolitical allegiance.

I don't know. Griffindor?

America.

COMPUTER: What is the project home base?

The high school.

COMPUTER: Who is the project commander?

You. Duh.

COMPUTER: Set character capability levels.

Go big or go home, I always say.

Gabs, this is the sweetest thing that anyone has ever done for me.

Hey, our circle may be small, but membership does have its privileges.

Now tell me your ideal male human.

And do not say Jaden. Aim higher.

Well, he'd be tall with brown hair.

No, blonde with blue eyes.

Meow-zers.

And even though he's super cute, he doesn't know it.

TOGETHER: Which makes him even cuter.

This is amazing.

It's taking our data and turning it into virtual DNA.

He would be super polite, like almost Canadian.

He would be sensitive and brave.

And with just one look, he would know exactly how I feel.

Oh, and he should be strong without being a meathead.

And honest.

I wouldn't have to guess what he's thinking all the time.

He would just tell me.

Mind-blowing.

I want him to notice the little things.

And be wise beyond his years.

Going to homecoming with him wouldn't be awkward or scary like it would be with other boys.

And when he walks into the dance holding my hand, it's just perfect, like strolling down a rose-petaled path in the sparkling moonlight in Paris.

Wow. You've really thought about this.

And everyone will be watching.

But it'll feel like we're the only two people on earth.

And when we kiss... it'll be the perfect kiss.

And the moment will burn in my memory forever, like a magical brain tattoo.

Oh, wow.

Am I good or what?

Hello, Mae.

COMPUTER: Begin fabrication sequence.

Oh, that was crazy.

Mae?

Mae?

Are you okay?

I can still see him.

He was so-- perfect.

Do you smell smoke? I think we might have fried some circuits.

You can say that again.

Come on.

Did we do this?

Unless they make computers in extra crispy Cajun-style, I'd say yes.

Wait here.

Busted.

Huh.

Bart.

I thought you were asleep.

No, justice never sleeps.

I'm the man of the house right now.

The keeper of the realm.

And trespassing in my dad's office is a major offense.

Well, I'd appreciate your discretion.

Well, it's-- It will not come cheap.

That sounds kind of creepy. What do you have in mind?

Homecoming, you and me.

Unthinkable. Come on, just expand your mind.

I do not believe in school-sponsored romantic events.

It's a front for the corsage industry.

I read about it online.

That's unfortunate because that's my dad's car pulling in.

What's going on?

Fine! Cover for us.

What? Like, okay? Like fine, are we going?

COMPUTER: Fabrication sequence complete.


( dog barking )

Welcome home, Pops!

How's my favorite role model?

How much do you want, Bart? Huh?

Okay, 20 bucks, is that enough?

Dad, you're so cynical.

Maybe I just want to celebrate you.

After 16 years, you're starting now? No, I have work to do--

No, no, work can wait.

Mom is out of town.

She is? Yeah.

That means it's you time.

You know, why don't you chillaxify.

Vegetize.

Is something burning?

Spot of chamomile tea?

Oh.

Why don't we come on over here?

We'll settle into your lucky thinking chair.

Bart.

Ooh. Oh.

We'll even throw on some of that smooth jazz you love.

Oh, I love the smooth jazz, yes.

There you go.

How do you feel now?

Comfortable. Suspicious but...

...comfortable.

Okay.

All right, what's the big emergency?

Ho-oh!

Keep your cookies in the jar.

We cannot let Nevaeh get the best of us, so I hacked into your dad's computer and designed Mae a boy.

Not just any boy.

The best boy ever.

Okay, I'm gonna go throw up.

Good luck with this, ladies.

Wait, wait, wait! So I guess our deal is off?

Wait, what deal?

A very personal and private deal which is none of your concern.

Okay, when I told you I would cover for you, I didn't mean all this!

Oh, fine!

Just go to school tomorrow.

I have a free period in the morning, I'll handle this.

And you really think you can fix all this?

Easy, hotshot.

You're not the only one who knows your way around a motherboard.


Hi, Dad. Bye, Dad.

See you, Dr. Hartley.

( cell phone ringing )

General McFee.

I've been trying you for hours.

You better get yourself down to the lab, now!

There's been an incident.

I-- I-- of course, yes.

I-- I'm on my way.

Oh, Mae!

Quelle surprise.

We're late for class.

Your new boyfriend just added me.

Talk about Gorgie McGorgeous.

BOTH: What?

But who created this page?

I didn't.

He's already connected to half the school!

Albert's gone viral.

Oh, don't act so surprised.

Admit it.

You created a fake boyfriend profile.

A faux-beau-file, if you will.

No, we didn't.

Oh, yeah?

Prove me wrong.

( car engine revving )

♪ Is that all you got? ♪

♪ I think you're hot ♪

♪ Hey! Hey! Hey! ♪

♪ I think you're hot ♪

♪ But you're not ♪

♪ Is that all you got? ♪

♪ Yo, is that all you got? ♪

♪ I think you're hot ♪ It's him.

BOTH: It can't be.

It's Albert.

There you are.

There she is.

There you are.

I can't believe it.

Albert, I'm sorry.

I don't mean to intrude, but what are you doing here?

My dad got transferred from D.C.

If it isn't friend number 82, Nevaeh!

That's heaven spelled backwards.

Yes.

Hi.

So, let me just get this straight.

You and Mae... are dating?

No.

It's more than dating.

You guys know how it is.

When you meet the one.

That one person you're really meant for.

It's like being alive for the first time.

That's how Mae makes me feel.

Well, welcome to McMaster High.

Make sure you don't fall in with the wrong crowd.

Let's go, ladies.

All right.

Now who would like to show me to the registrar's office?

TOGETHER: Ooh! I will! I will!

What just happened?

I don't know... yet!

I don't know yet.

Come on.

This will take months to repair.

Who could have broken in?

The locks were busted from the inside.

This wasn't a break-in, it was an escape.

Someone hacked into the servers and assembled the first X-17.

After 5 years of planning, and it actually worked?

Oh, boy.

Oh, boy!

Oh, yeah!

Who's the man with the genius plan?

Making an android on demand!

Oh, boy.

Oh, boy.

Oh, boy.

Did you hear what I said, doctor?

We were hacked. Our security has been breached.

The prototype is at large.

This is a national emergency!

Do I make myself clear?

Oh, boy.

( bell ringing )

I don't think of it as snowboarding.

I think of it as forging a mystical connection to the mountain.

Entering that place where your soul flies.

It's the sensation the Inuit people call Kuvia Sung Nerk.

Where did he come from?

We have to figure this out.

Uh-huh.

I'm sorry, but, Ella and I just have to tell you.

Albert is so evolved.

He's sweet, but he's a boy-boy, too.

He is emotionally ambidextrous.

Marnie, it is so much more than that.

Albert is like, uhhhnn, you know?

Hmm, I know what you mean.

( bell ringing )

People don't just appear one day out of thin air.

Ladies, may I escort you to class?

Hey, guys, wait up.

It's an honest mis--

These are useless.

Someone must have seen something!

The X-17 is designed to infiltrate its surroundings without detection, sir.

Yeah?

Well, maybe you designed it too well.

It could be anywhere.

Or anyone.

Jenks!

Tell me you have a witness.

Nothing solid, sir.

Just a lady walking her dog last night.

Did she give a description? Yes.

She said he was "super cute candy sugar in my eye holes and the honorary mayor of Hunky Town," sir.

♪ You take me higher and higher and higher, baby ♪

♪ When you sit next to me, I, I can barely breathe ♪

♪ Higher and higher and higher, baby ♪

♪ I need you all the time ♪

♪ Say that you will be mine ♪

♪ Pull up wait, back again ♪

♪ So high up need oxygen ♪

♪ Party over here girl bring a friend ♪

♪ I love the way your hair blow in the wind ♪

♪ Girl, I hope we never end ♪

♪ 'Cause your love is my medicine ♪

♪ I can't pretend, you got it all ♪

♪ Like a spaceship rocket taking off ♪

♪ Higher and higher and higher, baby ♪

♪ When you sit next to me, I, I can barely breathe ♪

♪ Higher and higher and higher, baby ♪

♪ I need you all the time ♪

♪ Say that you will be mine ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Take me higher, higher, higher, higher ♪

♪ You got that can't explain ♪

♪ Kind of love, girl, it's the way ♪

♪ You make me feel like day to day ♪

♪ Just one touch I go insane ♪

♪ So high we can't stop now ♪

♪ Keep our speakers way too loud ♪

♪ And if they try to shut us down ♪

♪ We just turn it up and take it ♪

♪ Higher and higher and higher, baby ♪

♪ I need you all the time ♪

♪ Say that you will be mine ♪

♪ Take me higher, higher, higher, higher ♪ It's War and Peace.

Mae's favorite.

I've figured out who you are.

It's so obvious.

Wow. That book is deep.

You're from the video game company.

This is like, a viral marketing campaign, right?

It's genius.

They let someone hack into their game and then the next day, an actor shows up in makeup as the character you designed.

( sighs )

I am totally gonna buy this game.

So what is this, vulcanized rubber?

My name is Albert Banks.

I'm from Glacier Falls-- Alaska. I know.

You must have studied for this all night.

And you've done a great job.

The look on Nevaeh's face was epic.

Anything to make Mae happy.

That's what I want to talk to you about.

You're going a little overboard.

Pride and Prejudice.

Scoundrel.

A marriage proposal?

Spit it out, Mr. Darcy.

Yes.

This is what I mean.

You're being a little too awesome.

And when you go home, Mae will be crushed.

And I'll be left to pick up the pieces.

I'm not an actor.

And I'm not leaving here until my mission is accomplished.

I'm going to kiss Mae at homecoming.

A perfect kiss.

There you go again with the sappy stuff.

Thanks for setting me and Mae up, but I can take it from here.

( cell phone ringing )

Hey, Bart.

Gabby, what is going on? How is everything going with the computer?

Oh, the computer, oh, it's, you know, it's--it's horrible, okay?

I was gonna give you a call but then I saw a picture of an angel-faced, muscle-bound man-boy on my sister's photo feed.

Okay, Bart, don't freak out.

But the boy we designed, he kind of... showed up.

What?

There's an explanation for this.

I just haven't found it yet.

I'll explain it for you.

You have conjured life from the primeval void.

You have meddled with nature itself.

Thanks for not freaking out.

This will cause chaos of epic proportions.

It will tear the fabric of space time.

Don't you see?

There is no version of the logical universe where my sister should have a boyfriend.

Bart, climb down from the ceiling.

We can't figure out what's going on

until you fix that computer.

Have you switched the memory chip?

Yeah, no, I tried that, okay, but the transceiver...

No, the refractory memory chip.

Ohh!

Call me when it's done.

90, 91.

New record!

161, 162, 163, 164, 165, 166, 167, 168, 169.

Okay, stop.

Kid, I can't even count that high.

You ever play football, Alaska?

No, sir. But I used to throw salmon in my dad's boat.

Try this fish on for size.

Gleason, go long!

( screams )

Did you see that?

Unbelievable.

More like un-possible.

I'm okay!

Oh, Mae.

Hey. Hi. Come on.

( bell ringing ) It doesn't make any sense.

Yeah, I never saw her with a guy like him.

Jaden, sweetie, no one ever saw her at all.

What is there to see?

Oh, catch you guys later.

Hey, Mae, weren't we gonna meet today about chapter four?

Oh, no, I spaced.

And I promised Albert I'd show him around.


( sneezes )

Mae, I need to ask you something.

Wow, guys. There's a lot of...

Lot of pollen out here.

Hey, um, Gabby, could we have a moment alone?

That's fine. It's just the three of us.

Oh, okay.

I'll just be over here, next to the ragweed.

( Gabby sneezes )

Mae. ( sneezes )

Will you go to homecoming with me?

Yes.

No, I mean, no.

It's too sudden, is it?

I mean... Look, this is crazy.

You could ask any other girl in the school.

Someone who's just as put together as you are.

People just don't really look at me that way.

That's not an answer.

Hey, um, could you give me just one second?

Yeah.

Hey, are you okay?

No, I'm not.

Don't you think this is moving a little fast?

This wasn't part of the game plan.

What game plan?

The unstoppable team!

We're gonna study hard, graduate early, go to Harvard, become millionaires, win Nobel Prizes, and then become the president and vice-president of the United States.

Oh, okay, okay.

So when were you gonna tell me about the rest of my life?

Come on. I created this boy to help you.

But now you're letting it change everything.

Gabby, Albert is the best thing that has ever happened to me.

And you're acting like it's a problem.

♪ It's been said and done ♪

♪ Every beautiful thoughts been already sung ♪

♪ And I guess right now here's another one ♪

♪ So your melody will play on and on ♪

♪ With the best of them ♪

♪ You are beautiful ♪

♪ Like a dream come alive, incredible ♪

♪ A sinful miracle, lyrical ♪

♪ You've saved my life again ♪

♪ And I want you to know, baby ♪

♪ I love you like a love song, baby ♪

♪ I, I love you like a love song, baby ♪

♪ I, I love you like a love song, baby ♪

♪ And I keep hitting re-peat-peat-peat, yeah ♪

♪ No one compares, you stand alone ♪

♪ To every record I own ♪

♪ Music to my heart that's what you are ♪

♪ A song that goes on and on ♪

♪ I, I love you like a love song, baby ♪

♪ I, I love you like a love song, baby ♪

♪ I, I love you like a love song, baby ♪

♪ I love you like a love song ♪

So, homecoming.

What time are you picking me up?

She said yes.

( cell phone ringing )

( clapping )

Bart? Don't say my name.

They could be listening. Who?

Did you fix the computer?

Yeah, I fixed the computer.

That's fantastic!

No, no, it is not fantastic.

I wish I hadn't fixed it.

I wish that I didn't know the things that I know.

Would you just do me a favor and get back here ASAP?

That means as soon as possible.

I know what ASAP means.

What's going on?

I've already said too much. I have to go.

Sir, the situation has escalated.

We now have reason to believe that Black Sigma is after the X-17.

Black Sigma? What is that, a heavy metal band?

They're international arms dealers.

There is not a weapon they haven't tried to steal.

If the prototype falls into their hands, the safety of the entire free world is in danger.

I don't understand any of this.

How could somebody activate the prototype from the outside?

Every copy of the software is in this lab.

What is it, doctor?

There's one more copy of the software.

Is it secure?

Well, we have a "Keep Off The Grass" sign in our front yard.

We have been planning to steal this weapon for months, and now someone goes and grabs it out from under us.

That is very bad manners.

We'll never get into lab now.

We don't need to get inside.

The prize is out there now.

And we will be the first to find it.

( footsteps approaching )

Bart, let me in.

How do I know it's you?

Stop being a massive knucklehead.

Yeah, okay. It's you.

Nothing to see here.

You fixed it?

Bart, you're a hero.

Are you sure you weren't followed? What is going on?

My dad is not a video game designer.

The last 5 years of my life have been a complete lie.

My formative years, a fraud.

I am a shell of a husk of a person.

Would you-- Look at this.

( beeping )

COMPUTER: Warning.

You are trespassing on a network of the United States Department of Defense.

What? This was not there before.

Yeah, yeah, they must have put up a firewall when you hacked in... to the Pentagon, where my dad apparently works.

I hacked the Pentagon?

Whoopsie.

Hey, no, Miss-Hackey-Pants! This is the moment when you're supposed to stop before you make things worse.

Oh, no. They just got worse.

"The X-17, The World's First Covert Robotic Operative."

Do you realize what you've done?

Yes, I designed a highly mobile, undetectable, handsome, wholesome, speed-reading, ukulele-playing, dreamy-eyed robot soldier.

And I set him up with my best friend.

( metal scattering ) What?

Hide, hide, hide, hide.

That was unexpected.

ZEPHYR: That's him.

That's the weapon.

( stammering )

Take the files, destroy the rest.

No, you... Sh.

Sh.

Let's go, someone's coming.

No, no.

I just fixed this.

Something really fishy is going on here.

Armed intruders? Government agents?

This is another Taco Tuesday at the Hartley household!

Let's go.

( siren wailing )

( tires screeching )

Black Sigma beat us here.

Bart's car is outside.

My kids are here.

MILITARY AGENT: All clear up here.

Oh.

Oh. Hello, Father.

What are you guys doing?

Uh, nothing. We're just studying. Math.

Engli-- Math.

Well, thank goodness you're okay.

There was a break-in. Where's Mae?

Oh, she's out with a boy.

Uh, a completely real boy who treats her with kindness and respect.

Are you sure you two didn't see anything?

Nope, not us. Right, Bart?

No, nothing at all. Mm-hmm.

And who are these fine gentlemen, Dad?

Oh, they're--

I've been developing a military video game, and these are my consultants.

Oh, that is a bunch of-- Common sense.

Because you have to make sure the games are realistic.

Right, Bart?

Yeah, otherwise, it would be like pretending something is one way, but in reality, it's an entirely different way.

Right, Dad? And that would be dishonest.

Right, Dad?

And lying is bad.

Right, Dad?

Bart, are you okay?

Whoa, I'm fine, Dad. Honestly.

Okay, Bart, you'd better drive me home.

Only honesty in this house!

POX: His name is Albert, that's his mission data.

What is this homecoming?

I will only accept the truth.

Ah. Sorry.

I had a little bit of a moment, but I'm calm now.

I'm calm.

There.

Those kids will lead us to homecoming.

Follow that cab.

Hey, taxi.

The Eagles pre-game party.

And I guess it's as good a place as any to start the Robot Apocalypse.

No, it's not.

Mae is Albert's mission commander. She can shut him down.

When I tell her that, I'm sure she'll listen.

Hi. Hi, guys. Hi.

Yeah, I'm not sure you're Mae's mission commander anymore.

Let's split up and track him down.

Just find him.

Do not try to take him yourself.

Why?

Are you afraid I'll mess up his hair?

Look who's here. It ain't a party till Gabby shows up.

Hey, Gabby.

Wow. Mae, new dress?

Oh, Albert took me shopping on the way here.

Uh-huh.

So Gabby, we hear you found Mae this perfect boy.

Could you work your magic for me and Ella?

I think I've done enough.

I'd like a guy who's like five-nine-ish, scruffy, but not smelly, and vegan.

But not like snobby vegan.

Yeah.

Oh, and I'd like a guy who's like, guhhhrrrr... you know?

Mae, I need to talk to you.

Alone.

So, you're Mae's big brother.

I mean you no harm.

Please don't hurt me.

Sigma 3 to team leader.

I have the target in sight.

Excuse me a second.

It's good talk.

ZEPHYR: Stay there. Do not approach the target.

I can totally take this kid.

( screams )

Mae, listen-- I-- I know what you're gonna say, okay?

I know you're upset. You feel like Albert has come between us, and you don't want things to change.

Albert is not a normal boy.

I agree.

No, I need to tell you what's really going on.

Albert is a robot.

I know. Okay, he can be a little bit formal, but I think that's cute. And you don't even understand boys, you think they're a distraction, and that's fine.

But I love Albert.

And I know that he feels the same way about me.

Albert can't feel anything for you. It's impossible.

You know, I should probably go, Albert's looking for me.

Mae, just trust me.

You have to end things with Albert and it's really simple.

All you have to do is take him by the hands, look him right in his eyes and say "Initiate self-destruct."

Okay, that is ridiculous and I'm not gonna do that.

You have to.

I need a best friend, not a boss.

Well, you know what? Right now, neither one is a very fun job.

Well, then maybe you should quit.


( IN WEEVIL'S VOICE ) Sigma 3 to leader.

False alarm, guys. The prototype isn't here.

Ready, Ready. Go.

Go Eagles!

Do it for your future homecoming queen.

( cheers and applause )

It's the fourth quarter, and our fighting Eagles are trailing

Uni High, 28 to 3.

As far as I recall, this is the closest we've ever come to winning.

( coughing )

I guess you found him.

He can sense us coming.

How can we even get close?

We need the electro-pulse device.

It will shut down any electrical current within a targeted range, including Mr. Cutie Patootie.

And that's when we'll grab him.

( cheers and applause )

( blows whistle )

You all right, man?

Did you tell Mae about Albert?

We didn't get around to it.

My sister is dating a lethal robotic soldier, and you didn't get around to it? It just didn't come up?

It's my knee, coach.

Get some ice on it.

Where's my second-string running back?

You got to be kidding me.

( cheers and applause )

AUDIENCE: Eagles.

Alaska!

Suit up!

( cheering )

What? No, we can't use him. Yeah?

Tell that to the scoreboard, kid.

Oh, no. This cannot be happening.

Yeah, I'm sure it will be fine.

As long as nobody tries to tackle him.

Okay, guys, battle time. Download me an action plan.

Just stay out of the way.

Blast right 21 Z, on two. Albert!

Hello, Gabby. You cannot go into this game.

Yeah, she's right. You haven't even been to the practices, you don't know the plays.

TEAMMATES: Yeah, yeah.

Gabby, what are you doing? Hello, Mae.

Uh-oh. Bestie versus boyfriend. Grab your popcorn, dudes.

( laughter ) He should not be playing football.

He could think someone's the enemy and take them out.

It's all in good fun.

Hey, get your boyfriend out of my homecoming game.

Hello, Nevaeh.

That's heaven spelled backwards, guys.

( blows whistle )

Penalty.

Delay of game.

( crowd booing )

Mae--

Don't even talk to me.

Hey, I'm just trying to help you guys out.

You don't even know.

All right, guys. We're gonna win this game! Yeah!

♪ We're at the top, we're at the top ♪

♪ Won't take second best ♪

♪ We're at the top, we're at the top ♪

♪ All the rest ♪

♪ We'll never stop ♪

♪ We'll never stop ♪

♪ We'll never stop ♪

♪ No one's gonna stand in our way ♪

♪ Somebody tried but not today ♪

♪ We're at the top, we're at the top, ♪ Won't take second best ♪

♪ We're at the top, we're at the top ♪

♪ In all the rest ♪

♪ We'll never stop ♪

♪ We'll never stop ♪


♪ We're at the top, we're at the top ♪

♪ Won't take second best ♪

♪ We're at the top, we're at the top ♪

♪ All the rest ♪

♪ We'll never stop ♪

♪ We'll never stop ♪

Jenks, get in the game.

These are the men that we believe broke into the residence.

It's imperative that we find them.

Awful lot of fuss for a burglary.

What's this about, General?

That's classified.

Whoo.

Oh, um, sorry, Sheriff.

But the Eagles just scored another touchdown.

What?

Another?

But they never beat Uni High.

I've got video.

They got this new kid, he's a bona-fide beast.

Look, what did I tell you?

This kid can do some serious damage.

It's the X-17's empowered assault mode.

We've found the prototype.

And he's dating my daughter.

COACH: All right, come on, Eagles.

Not going to let Uni take it this time!

Plenty of time left! Let's go.

We could actually win this.

All because of Albert.

He's like our secret weapon.

( crowd cheering )

Let's make history, bro. You got it, captain.

All right, coach, time for one more play.

I've got a brilliant idea.

Let's give the ball to this guy.

Albert! Albert!

Albert! Albert! Albert! Albert!

This is not an authorized cheer.

J-A-D-E-N.

Let's go, Jaden.

Break.

Set.

Hut.

Tackle him.

Go, go, go, go, go, go...

He can do that?

( cheers and applause )

Albert!


Albert!

( siren wailing )

( screaming )

GABBY: Oh, no, we're in trouble.

This way.

What is happening? Gabby, what is this?

Oh, so now you want to finally start listening.

Your dad does not work for a video game company.

He works for the Pentagon.

And Albert is a weapon, a covert robotic soldier.

And all of this is a search party for your boyfriend.

Everyone's after him, your dad, the army, these mean guys with like, big angry eyebrows, and it's all our fault!

Hurry up!

Stay quick, stay sharp.

Come on.

Sigma 3, respond. Do you have the prototype?

Sigma 2, respond.

Negative.

I don't have a visual.

Boss, where are you?

Boss, boss, he's just gone.

Wait a minute, where you guys are?

Hey, let me see your hands.

Don't move.

Hide.

( siren wailing )

( tires screeching )

McFee: You've stolen property of the United States government.

Come out peacefully and tell us everything we want to know.

That's right.

And there is no way that you are going to homecoming.

But, Dad.

Where is Albert? What have you done with him?

Sit down, Missy.

Well, you had an eventful two days.

You hacked a government network and stole a weapon so secret, Congress doesn't even know it exists.

You hijacked the prize creation from the most advanced lab on earth.

That reminds me, do you guys have any internships?

Silence.

Your actions were careless and your methods were deplorable.

But it's clear your intentions were purely romantic.

You didn't want a high-tech war machine.

Just a boy toy.

Take them home, doctor, they're free to go.

Did you just say free to go?

Albert--

The X-17 is no longer your concern. Jenks?

Albert's system was temporarily shut down last night by an electro-pulse device.

Thankfully, the criminals who did it are in custody.

When he rebooted, he returned to his default mission, saving the free world from danger.

We're tracking them all over the globe.

So far today, he's helped freedom fighters in South America, built a school in the Middle East.

And right now he's leading a team of mine-sniffing dolphins through the straits of Hormuz.

Albert would never leave me.

This is all a mistake.

The mistake was that you laid your eyes upon him in the first place.

He's the property of the U.S. Army now, where he belongs. No, you're wrong.

Young lady, you'll do as the general says.

On one condition.

In exchange for your freedom, you will never speak a word about any of this.

Go back to your lives just like they were.

Forget Albert Banks ever existed, 'cause you're never going to see him again.

Jenks.

Have we planted a story to cover up our attendance at the football game?

I took the liberty of blaming the whole thing on Colonel Dalton.

I believe you two had a rivalry at West Point?

Well done, Major. All's fair in love and war.

I wouldn't know, sir. I've never seen action in either.

General, are you in contact with Albert?

I'd like to see how he's functioning.

That's above your clearance level, doctor.

For the time being, I suggest you keep an eye on your daughter.

Well, that's it. It's over.

No. Albert will come to his senses, and he'll remember me, and that he's not some soldier.

And when he does, I'm going to be there for him.

I'm going to homecoming.

Did you hear a word they just said?

Look around. Operation Boyfriend has been shut down.

I'm not blind.

I can see that Albert is wire and metals and microchips.

But it's so much more than that, and it was like that from the first spark.

It was magic.

Mae, the world runs on physics.

There's an equation for everything, and you and I understand them all.

Magic is for people who don't.

Look, I'm sorry that you don't see it.

But I'm not giving up on Albert.


This was supposed to be the perfect night.

I know I'm biased.

But a girl as brilliant and beautiful as you, you're gonna have that night.

I promise.

Thanks, Dad.


Um, hey.

Hey.

Jaden, come on.


I'm sorry I'm late.

Worried?

I never had a doubt.

Get out of the way, doctor.

I thought Albert was 5,000 miles away.

We knew his mission would lead him here.

But we couldn't let Mae know, she would have warned him.

We're taking Albert now. Where is my air support?

General, I can't let you do this.

Check the chain of command, doctor.

You work for me.

If you try to take Albert by force, he'll fight you with everything he's got.

And I'm not gonna let you march in there and start "World War Albert" with my daughter in the middle.

The prototype will come with us peacefully, if you let him finish his mission.

You mean kissing your daughter during a magical moonlit dance?

Yeah, it's what she wants.

I don't give two shakes of a blind donkey's tail what Mae wants!

Well, I do.

If you ruin her night, I quit!

And you can forget about another X-17, or the X-18 or even the X-36.

What in the world is the X-36?

I have no idea.

But it is going to be twice as good as the X-18, obviously.

I don't leave anything to chance.

Mae wants a kiss?

Yeah.

Then stand back, doctor.

Because U.S. Army is going to make sure it happens.

Listen up, soldiers.

We've got a new mission.

We'll call it--

Operation Pucker Up...

Sir.

That was supposed to be us.

So what? They make a good couple.

Don't worry, I'm gonna restore order to the kingdom.

What are you talking about?

Never mind.

Let's just stand here and look popular.

Good. Now stare into my eyes.

Are people noticing?

Keep looking.

I hope you're proud of yourself.

Hey, Gabby, you look great.

You just had to show up, didn't you?

With your perfect hair and your yummy eyes.

You just had to be a vision of grace and charm.

And that's bad?

You and Mae cannot end up together. It's impossible.

Gabby, you can't know what's possible unless you know everything.

And nobody does, not even you.

Oh, you look so beautiful.

Your hotness is scalding my eyes.

Thanks.

What are you guys wearing?

Polka dots, your favorite.

Don't we look A-Mae-Zing?

We're calling ourselves The Mae Flowers.

Operation Pucker Up is go, go, go.

MAN: ( on walkie-talkie ) Yes, sir.

I want this kiss happening by 2100 hours.

You can't hurry love, general.

I can and I will.

Where is my Covert Romance Team? Jenks?

I'm all over it, general.

Yo, let's go dance.

I can't.

I'm preparing to accept my crown.

And tell all of my grateful subjects what I know about Albert.

Albert's cool. Why don't you just leave it alone?

Why don't you stop letting yourself get pushed around?

You know what? I will.

I hope we can still be friends.

Did you just break up with me?

Yeah, I did.

( cheers and applause )

Madam and monsieur, and welcome to Paris.

Make sure to stop at the crepe and fromage table for a free ballroom dance lesson from moi.

( cheers and applause )

But now, it's time to crown our guest of honor.

Ladies and gentlemen, your Homecoming Queen is...

Mae Hartley!

( cheers and applause )

Mae won?

Mae won Homecoming Queen.

My little girl.

We stuffed the ballot box.

Where are you two going?

Get back in there, now, now.

Well, I'm not really sure what to sa--

I don't even know what's going on here.

This is not acceptable.

Yes, it is.

This is like...

an unexpected triumph for a genuinely decent person.

Not some hollow gesture that you always took for granted.

Well said.

( applause )

No, no, no, no.

You guys are all confused.

You need to know the truth about Mae's boyfriend.

Mister Big Man On Campus.

You see, Albert here is a machine!

Yeah, bro, You're a machine!

( cheering )

No, no, no, no, no.

You guys don't understand.

Albert is dangerous.

Dangerous!

I'm trying to warn you.

Albert is a super-soldier who can tear this place apart with one move.

So if he gets near one of you, every single one of you better get down.

Get down!

( rock music playing )

Hey, you want to go out there and dance or something?

No, I'm okay.

Yo, J-bones, what's up?

Um, how-- how are you holding up?

You know, since you're not gonna be first boyfriend--

Oh, dude, I'm not worried about any of that.

And Nevaeh and I, done.

Really? Perfect couple.

Everyone, like, expected us to be together.

But from now on I'm gonna stop worrying about what other people think.

Albert's got it all figured out.

He saw how special Mae was, and he asked her to the dance.

I wanted to ask her to the dance...

I just really didn't have the guts.

Anyway, see you around, Brad.

That's not my name.


I can't believe it.

I was totally wrong... and Albert was right.

I'm sorry.

Did your mouth just make the words "I Was Wrong"?

Jaden liked Mae.

He liked her the whole time.


Hey.

Congratulations.

Thanks.

I guess.

I have to tell you something.

I just want to apologize.

We've been friends since forever.

And it's always just been the two of us.

And that was enough for me.

But it wasn't fair to you.

I was holding you back.

I never should have said that Jaden was out of your league.

You were just worried that I would get hurt.

No.

I was worried about losing my best friend.

Maybe my only friend.

We were a good team.

Unstoppable.

But you're great on your own.

Gabby--

No, Mae, it's okay.

You know that all of this isn't really my thing.

But if that's what makes you happy,

then that's what I want for you...

whether I'm a part of it or not.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's time for the moonlight dance.

All right, people.

We're finally gonna be able to retrieve this weapon, as soon as he macks with the girl.

I mean, kisses the nice young lady.

Let's go.

Music.

♪ I love your eyes ♪

♪ I love your smile ♪

Lights.

♪ And every time you go ♪ Breeze!

♪ The way you look at me ♪ Roses.

♪ The expression on your face ♪ Moon.

♪ I love your eyes ♪

♪ I love your smile ♪ I present the Queen and her Prince Charming on the dance floor.

♪ I remember ♪

♪ The day that we met ♪

♪ How could I ever, ever forget ♪

♪ Feel that day you took ♪

♪ My breath away ♪

♪ If you should ask me ♪ Are we feeling the love?

♪ What's on my mind, what am I thinking ♪ We're feeling it, sir.

Jenks, get your head in the game.

Oh, um, yes, sir.

♪ Tell you the truth, it's you ♪ Uh-oh.

Oh, no. The army is here.

They're gonna try and take Albert back.

We have to warn Mae.

No.

She's got this.


I can't.

She can't?

I'm sorry.

What's wrong?

The lights.

The moon.

You.

Everything is just like I imagined it.

But it doesn't feel like I thought it would.

I made you up.

I invented the idea of you, because I was hurt that a boy didn't want me.

And I wasn't brave enough to know that if he didn't like me for me, that's his problem.

I only get one first kiss.

I don't know when it's gonna happen, and it probably won't be perfect.

But I know now that I want it to be real.

You're incredible.

You always say the right thing.

I know.

But it's true. You're doing something I could never do.

You're changing and it's beautiful.

Don't worry. But look up.

You knew.

You knew the army was coming and you showed up anyway.

I had a mission-- to make this the best night of your life.

And now my work is done.

Albert... Please.

This is what I want.

Just look into my eyes and say it.

Initiate self-destruct.

Good-bye, Mae.

( screaming )

Mae.

Come on.

I knew it. What did I tell you?

It's the government, it's probably classified.

There are cameras everywhere.

Mine.


Let's give a round of applause for Principal Fragner for the awesome special effects.

( applause )

( music playing )

Needed softer music.

More pink in the lights. A gentle breeze.

General, you did everything you could.

My moment is ruined.

You mean, Mae's moment.

I'm sorry.

I'm a little choked up right now.

See that line of smoke?

It's a perfect logarithmic curve.

I've been meaning to tell you.

I'm actually pretty good at math.

I guess I just really liked my tutor.

You want to go dance?

Maybe later.

Jaden likes you.

But no boy is more important than our friendship.

I second that.

What if...

Gabby!

My boyfriend was related to you?

What the-- I thought you said boys were a distraction? They are.

But they're a pretty good one.

You want to dance?

Yup.

Hey, have you ever heard the story of the girl who met a boy and changed the world?

It turns out, it was you.


Hey, you want to go out there and dance or something?

As Kravtar would say, you want the Boogie Woogie?

Hey, you want to dance?

You were ironic, right?

Don't deny my moves.

You want to get a little groovy?

You know what? Groovy.

Oh, where am I? Oh, there he is.

♪ Keep your head up, keep the down ♪

♪ Throw it all in, break your own ground ♪ What are you doing? You just-- it's the bap.

♪ And if you're gonna take a stand, stand out ♪

♪ Life is our game, we can all play ♪

♪ Shake a move, don't be afraid ♪

♪ And if you're gonna make a mess, make it loud ♪

♪ And if you're gonna take a stand, stand out ♪

♪ Stand out, oh, oh ♪

♪ Stand out, oh, oh ♪

♪ Stand out, oh, oh ♪

♪ Stand out , stand out ♪