How to Get Girls (2017) Script

(triumphant music)

[Zach] And once again, Metro City finds itself at the hands of the evil Professor Phantom.

[Ben] But just when all hope is lost, out of nowhere comes the Amazing Duo to save the day.

[Zach] Oh, look who came to play.

Do you really think you two buffoons can stop me?

Hey, what the hell, Ben?


Why did you draw my dick so small?

What are you talking about?

My bulge.

Look how much smaller it is than yours.

And besides, I shouldn't even be wearing pants in the comic.

Why wouldn't you wear pants?

Think about it.

Why do you think no one ever fucked with Superman?

Yeah, but--

Because he wasn't wearing any pants.

But he still wore tights.

Yeah, and imagine if he didn't.

Do you think anyone would have tried to fight him if his dick was just dangling out there?

No, it would be weird.

Alright, whatever man.

Just, just be happy.

We just finished the first chapter in our comic.

I know, this is insane.

And if we're lucky, maybe we'll get to meet the one and only

[Both] Stan Lee.

The comic book legend.

Dude, I can't believe you're actually leaving.

Can't your dad go to Antarctica without you?

I told you, I have no choice.

My dad's setting up some kind of research base there.

When do you have to leave again?

20 minutes.

Do you think we have enough time?

(uptempo electronic music)

(keyboard clicking)

(speaking foreign language)

[Zach] The internet is awesome.

Mr. Diaz, good morning.

Hello Linda.

I'm here to pick up Ben.


Holy shit, the Panga sisters are so hot.

I wish we could jerk off to them every day.

We do jerk off to them every day.

Let's take off our tops. Okay.

[Ad Narrator] We're your guys, guys, guys, guys.

(boys screaming)

Can I get you a drink?

No, we're in a pretty big rush for our flight and it's 9:30 in the AM.

Mom, Zach borrowed my scissors and now there's little curly hairs all over them.

They grow up so fast.

I'm going to go grab Ben.

Dude, why aren't they working?

I don't know.

Why aren't we stopping?

I don't know.

I got it, I got it, I got it.

Let go.

Ben, we need to get--

This is my keyboard.

My porn.

Ben, why is your dick out?

Zach, why are there...


Ben, come on.

We got to move.

Wait, Ben.

Here, you should take this with you.


But Zach--

The only thing that's left is to finish drawing the pictures and you're way better at that than I am anyway.

Ben, we got to go.

You're my best friend, man.

I'm going to miss you.

I promise, I'll call you every day.



We got to go, now.

(car tires screeching)

Ben, enough of this coloring book crap.

You need to grow up.

[Zach] So long, friend.

(slow guitar music)

(children playing and laughing)

Kimberly Somers.

The Kimberly Somers.

Man, what I wouldn't do to touch her boobs.

(clown laughing)

Nice shirt, nerd.

Hey Christian.


Didn't get the invite to Kimberly's party again?


What's a faggot?

That's it.

Everything changes today.

By the time Ben gets back, I'm going to be the most popular kid in the grade.

I'm going to touch Kimberly Somer's boobs and I'm going to get girls.

(clown laughing)

Stop it.

Who are you?

[Female] Oh yeah.

Oh, oh, oh, oh yeah.

(uptempo music) Today's the big day.

Did you use my scissors to cut your pubes again?

Well I certainly wasn't going to use mine.

Ugh, sick.

If you do it again, I swear to God--

Hey, Marissa, can you please put on a bra before you talk to me?

Awww, but this is the closest thing you'll ever get to seeing a girl's boobs.

Thanks for pointing that out though, dipshit.

Yeah, that's what's pointing out.

Oh, fuck you.

Suck my dick.

What did you just say to me?

I said suck my dick.



Sweetie, what's wrong?

Is everything okay?

No, Zach just asked me to suck his dick.

Wait, what?

Zach, what the hell is wrong with you?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a second.

Is everything okay in here?

What's going on?

Your son just asked Marissa to perform oral sex on him.

Jesus Christ Zach, is that true?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, I didn't ask her to suck my dick.

I told her to suck my dick.

(all screaming)

You're going right back in therapy, young man.

Do you still have Dr. Clark's number?

Oh shit, it's on my old cell phone.

[Linda And Marissa] Oh, God!

You're going to give your mother a stroke and you know that runs on her side of the family.

Fucking sick of this.

Yeah, yeah.

(Marissa screaming)

It's okay, it's okay.

I saved the number for situations like this.

(whispering) Fuck you.

[Linda] Damn you Zach.

(bell ringing)

How literature could change history.

Does anybody have an answer for that?

I know I sure as hell don't.

I wrote that last week.


I'm sorry.

Something terrible happened.

You all know our beloved drama teacher, Mr. Trainor.

He was on safari in Africa and he was mauled by a monkey.

He has virtually no face.

So it would be very difficult for him to teach comedy and drama because it all just looks like this.

But the thing of it is, they want me to direct this season's version of "The Sound of Music" in his place.

Thank you.

This could lead to so many big things in my life.


I could be doing a Toyota commercial after I do--


[Mr. Pomenteer] My version--


Hey, Zachary.


Oh, um, sorry, sorry Mr. Pomenteer.

Where was I?

You know, there's a lot of similarity to the Sound of Music and Mein Kampf.

(slow guitar music)

Kimberly Somers.

Little battles that--

Hey, Mr. P, sorry I'm late.

Do you have a note?

No, it was a woman's health issue.

Okay, no need to say another thing.

I've got three daughters.

Here honey, does this help?

Oh, um, no, I think I've got it covered.

Uh, thank you.


(Mr. Pomenteer coughing)

Those bosoms, I'd eat the chips from her knickers.

You know she uses the period excuse like twice a week.


Dude, Duffy, she's not on her period.

She's ovulating.

Look how big her boobies are.

Did you get the invitation to her birthday party?


You know it's in three weeks, right?

I'm aware you Irish dumbass.

Don't worry, I'm going to get invited to Kimberly Somers birthday party and once I hook up with her, all my problems will be solved.

Lad, do you have a boner?


You're totally chubbed up right now.


No, I'm not.

I can see it.

Hey, excuse me.

Hey, I'm sorry.

Could you guys please shut the fuck up.

What is so God damn important that you two have to talk to each other?

My vodka.

Is there something you'd like to share with everybody up here?

Uh, no, no, no.

Come on, now.

Let's go.

Go, oh, oh, oh.

I want you to stand right here, in front of the entire class and tell me about the lend lease program.

Come on, stand right there.

Go ahead, proceed.


Well, you see, um, the lend--


Well, that's really interesting.

What are you doing?

Have you been taking notes on--

(class gasping)

(class laughing)

You're telling me that my Powerpoint presentation on World War two gives you a hard on?

[Male Student] Dude got a chubby from Hitler.

[Student Two] Faggot.

[Student Three] Seriously guys, what's a faggot.

[Female Student] Is it just me or is Hitler kind of cute?

[Student Four] Needle dick.

[Student Five] Look how small it is.

[Duffy Voiceover] Is now an appropriate time to fart?

It's not about the size of the dog in the fight, it's about the size of the fight in the dog.

(class laughing)

That's Mark Twain, guys, in case you're taking notes.

(bell ringing)

God, if you're listening, then why'd you invent boners?

Fucking idiot.

So stupid.

Stall of fame.

(suspenseful music)

That's it.

[Principal Bowen] What smells like pot in here?

Oh, shit.

Oh, it's me.

Zach, is this your knife?


It's got your name on it.

Listen, if you're thinking about killing yourself, don't do it at school, big liability.


Why aren't you using the faculty bathroom?

I'm the principal.

I can take a dump wherever I want to.

Last week, I took a shit in the gym bleachers.

Big one too.

You can see it on Pinterest.

Yeah, I just like to come in here from time to time, check out the wall, see how my students are doing.

Oh, Nico Carrino, two new tallies.

Not bad.

Ah, Adam Chirnu, one new tally, nice.

Christian Peterson, holy shit.

Six new tallies.

Christian, that's my boy.

Aww, thanks Principal Bowen.

Probably banged those girls on that ski trip.

Everyone's fucking looking at you.

Just go fucking pee.


He's a cool guy.

Why can't you be cool?


Yeah, probably.

Oh, that reminds me, I need to see you in my office immediately.

Can I wipe first?


This has been a weird day.

Zach, I'm sure you're aware of why I asked you to come here.

I swear my boner and the Holocaust thing were completely unrelated.


No, I called you in to talk about the stall of fame.

Oh, yeah, of course, that.

One of my jobs as principal is to make sure that all of my students are satisfied and I'm sure that you've seen that you're the only boy in the school with no tallies next to your name.

Now, this may feel a bit personal but, are you saving yourself for marriage?

Oh, are you asexual, because I have a pamphlet for that.

No, no, no, of course not.

Erectile dysfunction?

No, it's none of those.

Just there's so many guys at this school

Why would a girl ever hook up with Zach Fox?

Zach, you've got so much to offer.

The book report you wrote on The Great Gatsby, totally changed my perspective on the frailty in a post war optimism.

You read that?

Wow, alright.

Yeah, maybe I do have what it takes to get girls.

Well, you better get a move on because we're redoing the bathroom in about a month and that stall of fame is going to be gone.

Wait, seriously?

Yeah, seriously.

Make a move on those girls, bro.

How are things at home?

I mean, the divorce has been pretty damaging.

[Principal Bowen] I know.

You know my parents are divorced?

You know how on a laptop, people are paranoid that people can see through the camera on your computer?

You got a pretty nice house.

You want me to call your parents?

No, no, no, no, can you do that over this?

Do you want to find out?


Voice cracked.

Yeah, I'm going through puberty.

That should have happened a long time ago.

Boys develop at different times and boys often develop later than girls, too, so--

Oh, now I'm getting a biology lesson from you?

A dude that gets a boner to the Holocaust is going to lecture me on biology?

No, I--

You're the weirdo in this situation.

I'm just saying that like--

Alright, that's it young man.

Now go!

Go get some girls!

Okay, okay, I'll try.

I think you just stapled by butt cheeks together.

Another life changed.

Just like that.

Erectile dysfunction.

Yep, I know you well.

(bell ringing)

Get off of me.

Get off me.

Stupid dork. that golden ticket, I know I would get in Kimberly's party and I would kill it.

Golden ticket?

Is Kimberly's party at a chocolate factory? anymore, this is America and in American high school, if you're not hot, you need something else to get popular.

Look at Kyle Koontz.

That kid looks like Jay Leno's niece, but ever since he scored that game winning touchdown, he's had girls lining up to sit on his face.

Christian Peterson is a literal piece of shit but gets it in because his dad owns the Phillies.

Joe Mitchhack only slams clam because he's the number one drug dealer on the main line.

Brian Delgoti only crushes puss because he doesn't know he's gay yet.

Kevin Myers would have never found Punarnia if he wasn't internet famous.

And Ezra Sully didn't start getting laid until his parents died.

Yeah, it would have been her birthday one month from next Friday.

[Girls] Awww.

Man, that guy is so lucky.

So how do girls get to Punarnia?


What do you mean?

Like, how do they get laid?

I mean, they just like, choose.

Like out of a hat?

No, Duffy, they just like pick.

It's like different for girls.


Kimberly's coming.


Make her your wife.

Stop it.

Hey, Kimberly.


Kimmy Schmidt.

Kim Jong-un.

Kim Possible.

It's Kimberly.

Right, right, right, yeah.

So anyway um, a little birdie told me you're having a birthday party in a few weeks.

I don't know what party you're talking about.

Oh, my God, Kimberly, I just got the invitation to your birthday party and I'm so excited.

It's going to be awesome.


What the, no.

Okay, bye.

See, see you Trish.

No, doesn't ring a bell.

Hello, Kimberly.

Zach tells me you're ovulating, congratulations.

Alright, N237, right?

[Ben] Yes, that's it.


Anyway, dude, I'm so fucking excited to see you.

I can't believe it's been five years.

[Ben] I know man.

I missed you so much.

The amazing duo--

Is back in action.

It's nuts, dude.

I don't even know what you've been up to all these years.

You never got a Facebook or called.

[Ben] Uh, yeah, we really didn't have much internet and stuff.


[Ben] Hey, the bus is pulling up now.

Do you see me?

Uh, nope.

[Ben] Yeah, I'm walking down the aisle of it right now, I'll be out in just a second.


[Ben] I just walked off the bus now, do you see me?

Just not seeing any...

(chanting music)

(hair swishing)

Dude, what's up?


You're so tall and pretty.

It looks like Michelangelo sculpted you himself.

Your jawline is completely symmetrical.

How did this happen?

I lost a little bit of weight.

Are those pecs?

Uh. Are those pecs?

I, yeah, I think so.

You okay?

Ah, fuck.

You okay?

Hey, did you see the shirt?

Look, you see?

You got yours on, right?

Uh, no.

Zach, I'm just so excited to see you.

I've spent the past five years drawing all the pictures in our comic book.

Everything looks amazing.

You're going to love what I've done to it.

I can't wait to show you.

It's going to be so amazing.

I'm so happy we're back together.

I've missed you.

What kind of steroids are they giving people in Antarctica?

Where are you going?

Well, I talked to Dr. Clark this afternoon and he said he's going to be able to fit Zach in.

Well, that's great.

As long as he can keep his hands off relatives, he should be okay.



Hey dipshit, look up.

Dad's talking to you.

Oh, um, sorry guys.

I'm a little out of it today.


What's wrong?

Oh, and how was seeing Ben after so long?

That's just it, I don't uh, know if it's going to work out between the two of us anymore.

Ew, gross, you sound like you two are fucking.

Marissa, they're not fucking.

They might be.

You're not fucking right Zach?

No, it's not that.

What is he one of these stuck up Antarctic pricks now?

(Marty laughing)

No, he's just physically a lot different.

What did his like little boy titties grow into full on man boobs?

No, it's like the opposite actually.

He got like, really attractive.

Really, really fucking hot.

Okay, yeah, they're like definitely fucking.

We're not fucking guys.

He grew like 10 feet and developed enormous muscles.

He looks like the Mark Ruffalo Hulk fucked Thor and then had a little Hulk baby and then that baby fucked the Edward Norton Hulk and had his Hulk love child.

Honey, you're good looking, too.

He's okay.

He's like a five, six tops.

Oh fuck off Dad.

You have no say in this house anymore.

You and mom got divorced three years ago.

Move the fuck out.

You move the fuck out.

Why would I move out?

I'm not the one who cheated on Mom.

You did cheat on her twice.

Shut the fuck up, Gary.

You're a terrible stepdad.

He's actually a really good stepdad.

Guys, listen, alright.

I don't think you get it.

It's not me who decides who I'm friends with, it's the universe.

It's the law of attraction.

Attractive people attract other attractive people.

Then those attractive people have sex, make more attractive people who are also only This goes on year after year, generation after generation, until the Kardashians are the last people left on Earth.

God, fuck!

Uh, honey, could you, uh, pass the peas?

Uh, uh, honey, could you please pass the, shut the fuck up, Gary!

Does this picture of your sister arouse you?


How about this one here?

No, but did you get that from Facebook?

Let's leave the psychoanalysis to the professionals, shall we?

Okay, so here's the deal.

I need you to maintain at lease five feet behind me.

Most people at this school don't even know we're related and I would like to keep it like that.

Fuck me in my pajamas.

Who is that guy?

I told you, that's Ben.

Hey new guy.

Oh, my God.

He's like, so hot.

Yeah's he's pretty good looking.

Oh, God, no, he's like the hottest guy I've ever seen.

How many guys have you seen?

He looks like Thor, but like ethnically ambiguous.

[Zach] What? a George Foreman grill and then eat that dick, covered in honey mustard.

You know?


Oh man.

Like, his face was like, created by the dark magic of Voldemort.

[Zach] These are really specific references.

I want to sit on that magic face.

You know what I mean?

Still no.

I want to reenact the Notebook except we're naked and then maybe we shit on each other if it feels right.

We'll make it work.

I don't think it's going to work out between you guys.

Hang tight.

Mom, open the trunk, I got to get my lacrosse bag.

Mom, pop the trunk, I got to get my lacrosse bag.

Thank you.

Oh, my God.

[Female Announcer] Ethan Fine to the nurse's office.

Your test results are in and it rhymes with flirpies.

Thank you.

Uh oh.

Hey, what's up man?

What's up?


Okay, you're kind of heavy.

All right, all right, yeah.

This is great.

Whoa, no, head that way.

Ben, look, I think you're a really awesome guy and you have so much going for you.

I just feel we've gone our separate ways and maybe it's best that we move on.

Who's Ben?

He's my best friend, I told you.

I thought I was your best friend.

Dude, you are my best friend.


But get over there.

[Duffy] Ow, me lucky charms.

Zach, dude, I've been looking for you everywhere.

So, I started doing some research when I got back last night.

I found out there's this Comic Con contest in Dover for best new original comic.

Anybody can submit their stuff.

The finalists get to go to Comic Con and have their comic book judged by the one and only Stan Lee.


Are you okay?

Dude, I just got a head rush.

Ben, look.

I think you're a really awesome guy.

You have so much--


You're new here right?

Uh, well, yeah, no.

I'm not new.

Like, I used to go here, but not, not here here.

Um, I, my school's in Antarctica.

And Zach and I used to be best friends when we were younger.

We're still really good friends but uh, we went to school when we were younger together.

That's cool.

My friend Christian Peterson is having an ABC party on Thursday, you should totally come.

Oh, well, thank you, but uh, Zach and I are going to be working on our comic book Oh, okay, well, I'll just give you my number and you can hit me up if you decide to go.

Oh, and you can bring your friend too if you want.

Dude, so, anyways, Stan Lee is going to pick his favorite comic book--

[Jessica Voiceover] Oh, and you can bring your friend too if you want.

Ben, did you hear what she just said?

Oh, yeah, I know right.

We'd never go to that jerk's party.

Ben, we have to go.

We're talking Christian Peterson here.

The dude had a three way with freshmen in college in middle school.

T'reeways are awesome.

I've always wanted to have one.

Duffy get the fuck out of here.

I'd rather just work on our comic book.

Look, Ben, you're hot now and when life gives you lemons, you make lemonade.

I don't know, Zach.

Ben, think about it.

Zach, I'm just not into that stuff.

You know, the partying, the girls, the lemonade.

And just what, we're just going to go get drunk with a bunch of people who aren't

Ben, with great looks comes great responsibility.

I'm going to be working on this comic book we've dreamed about finishing since we were kids.


Well, I guess it's just you and me, buddy.

Don't touch me fat Ron Weasley.


Back up.

Get out of here.

Let's take a picture.

You like that?

Go check that.

Let me see, let me see.

Go check it.

Let's do it again.

Wait, back up.

[Zach] And once again, Metro city finds itself at the hands of the evil Professor Phantom.

[Ben] Just when all hope is lost, out of nowhere comes the Amazing Duo to save the day.

[Zach] Oh, look who came to play.

Do you really think you two buffoons can stop me?

[Mr. Diaz] Ben, you in there?

Uh, just a second.

Hey, what the hell are you doing in there?

Uh, just one minute.

Benjamin open up the God damn door.

Hang on.

Were you, were you masturbating in here?

Uh, yeah, yeah, that's exactly what I was doing, Dad.

That's exactly what I was doing.

Ben, have a seat.

We need to have a talk.

Listen, Ben you are a good-looking kid now.

You should be out in the real world.

Hell, when I was your age, I was with a new girl every week.


Look, all I'm saying is this is high school.

Make it count.

Don't sit around with Zach all day playing with dolls.

It's a waste of time.

You hear me?

Actually Dad, things are a lot different between Zach and I now.

We're going to be going to Christian Peterson's party on Thursday.

The lacrosse player?

Yeah. Wow.

Didn't he have a three-way with some college freshmen when he was still in middle school?

How did you know that?

PTA meeting.


Good to see you getting out there, putting the family name to good use.

Thanks Dad.

Hey, uh,

I want you to have this.

Your grandfather gave this to me when I was your age and his father gave it to him.

You shouldn't actually use it.

It's 80 years old and made out of horse fur.

It's just for good luck.

Uh, thanks Dad.

Hey, Zach, I've changed my mind.

I'm in.

[Zach] Hello?



[Zach] Ben, are you there?


[Zach] Hey, hello?


[Zach] Ben?


Dude, I'm so glad you're in.

This is everything we've ever dreamed of.

I know, it should be fun.

Oh, my God, we're going to go to Christian's party, get girls.

Ben, if we do well enough, we'll probably get invited to Kimberly's birthday party.

Heck yeah.

I'm just happy I'm able to spend more time with you.

Dude, we're going to be drowning in so much pussy, we're going to need snorkels.

Ben, we're probably going to get on the stall of fame.

Wait, what's the stall?

I, I don't get it.

Like, who keeps track of all of this?

No one knows.

All we know is that when a guy gets with a girl, a tally shows up next to his name.

Look, you're on it too now.

You and me, we're the only people without any marks.

High school is so weird.

(intercom screeching)

[Announcer] My apologies, Ethan Fine, you do not have flirpies.

Thank you.

God, the lines at the urinal get so long during lunch time.

Oh, hey, nobody's using the middle one.

Wait, Ben, what are you doing?

Ben, get back here.

What are you doing bro?

Um, I'm peeing.

Bro, you trying to look at my dick?


Bro, you trying to look at his dick?

Ew, no, no.

Why, what's wrong with my dick?

You think it's tiny because I'm peeing in the short urinal?

No, I think you have a great dick.

Oh, so now you think he's got a great dick?

No, but you, you asked me.

You're trying to give us each hand jobs while we're peeing?

How would that even work?


You think I'm stupid?

No, I think--

Hey, you're peeing on my shoe.

Excuse me guys, he doesn't know about the middle urinal rule.

That guy peed on me.

I can't believe he peed on me.

Shut the fuck up, Ben.

What just happened in there?

You're not supposed to use the middle urinal.

What, why?


Because there are just unspoken rules of high school.

That's one of them.

There's more?

Of course.

Juniors can't park in the Senior lot.

No one can ask the stoner about their post-high school plans.

Everyone has to like an attractive girl's pro pic.

What happens if I don't?

They'll find you.

Oh, my God, we have a lot of work to do before this party.

Oh, boys.

That was a very powerful performance.

How would the two of you like to star in this fall's rendition of the Sound of--


Rendition of the Sound of Music, which I am directing myself because, unfortunately, Mr. Trainor died, which I had absolutely nothing to do with.

Mr. P, I can't hear you.

Great, got some acoustical problems to deal with here.

Okay, I said, how would you like to--

(pop music)

Alright, first things first, you need to update your wardrobe.

Ben, what are you doing over there?

Come to the guys' section.

How is that the guys', there's skirts over there?

It's 2017, bro.

Sup bro?

Okay now Ben, the park is a great place to learn to talk to girls.

Look, there's some jogging over right now.

Check out their boob sweat.

Now, remember Ben, it's important to keep yourself well groomed.

Oh, my fucking God.

Cataline, we're going to need the lamb shears.

[Barber] He looks like the girl from the ring.

Now, do you want to have sex with this woman?

Is that my grandma?

How about now?

Who's that?

That is your grandmother when she was 19 years old.

What the fuck is wrong with you?

What are these called again?


Jean leggings, very in right now buddy.

I feel like I'm wearing girls' pants.

Yo, oh, whoa, excuse me.

Girls' pants?

What is this, 2010?

How dare you try to impose the artificial gender binary constructed by society.

Oh, my God.

Wow, it's crazy seeing you guys again.

It's like we're stalking you.

No, I'm not, I'm not, we, I'm not saying we're stalking you I'm, it's, it's like we're stalking you.

If you could be any animal, would you fuck your sister.

Do you want to fuck your sister or not?

We're not like murderers or anything.

I couldn't harm a fly.

That's not true.

I did actually kill my neighbors dog once but I was like five.

I ran it over with my bike.

I wasn't like drunk driving or anything.

They got a new puppy and that was a way cuter Maltese than the first Maltese anyways so, actually, it worked out. in the world without people like you, okay?

I happen to think that diversity should be celebrated not smothered, you fucking Jew.

Officer, I don't understand the misunderstanding.

The whole point is I was saying we weren't stalking them and just looked exactly like we were.

Oh hey there fellas.

Duffy, what are you doing here?

I'm getting yoked for the party.

You're not going to the party you fucking diabetic leprechaun.

Yes I am, try and stop me.

You're not going.

Fuck you.

[Zach] Fuck you.

Fuck you.

Fancy shoes, ripped white jeans, already wearing a condom.

Be careful, sweetie.

Alright mom.

Make sure you're home by midnight.

All right, I will.

And don't get stabbed by one of those AIDS needles I keep reading about at those parties.

[Zach] Not a real thing.

School is so much more fun nowadays.

When are you moving out?

When are you, shut the fuck up, Gary!

(hip hop music)

[Ben] How do I look?


Like sexy Frankenstein.

Get your asses in there, man.

It's fucking crazy in there.

[Zach] Holy shit, Christian's so wasted.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Where do you think you're going?

Just inside your party?

Who do you know here?

Uh, Jessica.

Uh, yeah, Jessica Walters.

Fuck yeah, dude.

Jessica's dope as fuck.

Yeah, fuck yeah, man.

I want you fuckers in my party right now.

Sick dude.

Wait, what? What?

Yeah, go to the bar and take some fucking shots.

Oh, yeah.

Of course.

We'll play some pong, grind on some bitches, maybe same ones, maybe different, but who gives a fuck.

Yeah, who cares?

But get the hell off my porch before I knock you both the fuck out.

Uh, wait, what?

Let's get a girl pregnant tonight.

I don't want to get a girl pregnant tonight.

Dude, I fucking bombed the SATs last week.

I don't know if I'm going to college.

Yeah, the SATs are really hard.

They're, they're not important.

Honestly, the ACT's are where it's at right now.

I don't even know how to spell fucking orange.


What does that even mean?

You don't know how to spell orange?

(Christian screaming)

(Zach and Ben fake screaming)

Look at me in the eyes.

Look at me.

I want you two to be the best men at my wedding.


Okay, good luck on the ACT's.

Fuck. Dang it.

God damn it, fucking shit.

What's up, man?

Slay dog, yeah. Alright.

I'm glad you got rid of those fucking nerds.

Of course.

Those guys, they are not like us.


Fuck yeah, dude.

Get in there.

God damn it.

Darn it.

Tits. Boobs.

Alright, text Jessica and tell her to come outside.

I didn't save her number.


How did you tell her we were coming?

In person, like with my mouth.


That's it.

I'm going to have to suck Christian's dick.


I'm going to suck his dick.

It's our only shot of getting on the stall of fame.

Zach, he's not even going want that.


Why wouldn't he want that?

Is it because I'm ugly?

No, Zach, I'm not saying--

Is it because my nipples are weird looking?

No, Zach, your nipples are fine.

Is it because my nipples are too small?

No, they're, they're really a good size.

It's just, it's--

Why do men even have nipples?

(Christian snoring)

You know, I was totally kidding about the whole dick sucking thing.

(dance music)

Excuse me, guys.

Excuse me guys.

Excuse me, pardon me.

[Party Guest] Move.

[Party Guest Two] You stepped on my toe.

[Party Guest Three] Stop pushing me.

Dude, chill.


Holy shit.

Oh my God, dude, this is fucking awesome.

[Ben] Do you think there's any toilet paper left in the bathroom?


Why's everybody humping each other?

It's called grinding and it's literally the best invention ever.


Just think about it, right?

No girl would say yes if a guy just came up to her and was like oh, could I rub my covered crotch all over your covered butt until I cum a little bit?

With grinding, it's now under the roof of dancing.

It's really a huge feat in puberty.

High school is so weird.

Kimberly Somers.

Dude, let's go dance.

Why don't we just wait here a minute, you know?

Ease into it.

Bosoms. Zach.

Excuse me, yep, pardon me, coming through.


Oh, my God.

You look good.

Hey, Jessica.

Hold me.

How are you?

Ben, what are you wearing?

Uh, clothes?

Ben, I told you this is an ABC party.

A what?

Anything but clothes.


Here, come with me.

Uh, Zach.

Come on.

One time I got so drunk, I accidentally sent a tit pic to my mom.

(laughs) That's nothing.

One time, I got so drunk I sent a dick pic to my son.

Oh, he's blocked me.

(pop music)

Dude, my parents aren't actually dead.


One time I got so drunk, I had a vasectomy.

I am infertile.

The strange thing is my wife had three daughters after that.

Said it was an act of God.

You know, I have an app on my phone, I can change your grades.

Bon appetit everyone.

Come and get your fresh baked brownies.

Made by yours truly, chef Boyarweed.

Sup Jess?

Sup Roger?

I'm trying to loosen him up.

Nice, Ben.

Dude, sick ankles.

I know, right?

You must work out a ton.

Uh, yeah, thanks.

What can I get you big guy?

Uh, well, uh.

Oh, you have mushrooms.

Are you making protein shakes?

Yeah, made shroom shots all day.

You want some?

Uh, yeah, uh, I mean, sure.

Uh, mushrooms are like my favorite vegetable.

Um, do you have asparagus that you can put in there too?


You're so funny.

Dude, you're...


Like, where do you even get this?


It's like--

Who even eats that stuff?

Hey, where are you from?

Um, well, I just moved back from Antarctica.

Dude, like, like Frozen.

Oh, my God.

I love that movie.

Oh, my God.

It's so cool how she picks the nice guys.

In the end, stay the misogynist.

It's progressive as fuck.

[Jessica] Totally.

I'm going to put some Molly in this.

Uh yeah, uh who's Molly?

Oh, my God.

I can't even deal with you.

Don't even look at me, but look at me.

One time, I got so drunk I walked in on my wife with three of my best friends.

She was, she was going air tight.

Yeah, just a lot of trading places and high-fiving.

Is he cute?

Ew, no.

Sorry, we have to go to the bathroom.

Oh, okay, cool.

I like your trash bag.

Alright, plenty of fish in the sea to grind on.



Twerk on you later.

Hey, how are you?

I have to go to the bathroom.

What the fuck?

Why does every girl have to go to the bathroom?

(crowd cheering)

You suck.

Take that.

Not cool, you're expelled.


I'm just kidding.

For that?

Who would expel you for winning a game?

You're expelled.


Who do you think you are?

Fucking douchebag.

You're gone.

You got me bro?

The fuck out.

[Guy Wearing Bowtie] Sorry.

Who wants to do some shots?

(crowd chanting)

(crowd cheering)

Holy shit, this dude just chugged down

15 shroom shots in a row.

Ben, you're an animal.

I've never seen anybody take more than like, five shroom shots, you could die.

No, a little vegetable never hurt anybody.

True dat.

But seriously, you're probably going to die tonight.

I mean, you like a quarter ounce of shrooms and if that doesn't kill you, the Molly definitely will.

Ben, come with me.

I want to show you something.

I'm actually a perpetrator to manslaughter.

But seriously, who is Molly?

Is that a baby?

Check out that guys fucking ankles.

So much better than potato farming.

Best year abroad ever.

In the sweet name of Bono.

[Lisa] This party sucks.

Yeah, it's pretty lame. just to see my boyfriend get drunk and pass out.

Relationships suck.

Are you in one?

No, actually.

My last girlfriend was in the fourth grade.

She wasn't in fourth grade.

Well, she was in fourth grade but we were both in fourth grade because we were fourth graders so.

Um, bad introduction.

I'm Zach Fox.


[Party Guest] Heads up.

(glass shattering)

Oh shit, that almost hit you in the face.

What did?

That foot...

Is she blind?

Get over there.

Oh wow, this feels incredible.

Which is weird because you're totally biting me right now.

This one time, I got bit by a dog in third grade.

Huh? And I had to get stitches.

It totally sucked.

Does this feel good for you too?

Like, do you feel good right now?


Just relax, Ben.

(Ben gasping)


Shhhh, Ben, relax son.

You better get girls like your old man or else you're going back to Antarctica.

(Ben screaming)


Where are you going?

Oh my God, is it really 13 inches?

Well, uh, 13 erect.

Flacid is only like, I don't know, 10 and a half.

Well, I mean, I guess that's proportional for someone who's six four and black.

Well, I am those things so.

Hey, do you want to get a room and go have some fun?

Uh, yeah, that'd be awesome.

I can't wait to feel every inch of your body.

Wait, feel?

Oh, shit.

Excuse me.


[Roger] It's the dude, that took 15 shroom shots.

No, no, no.


(crowd chanting Ben)

Guys, please, it's a vegetable.

Ben, Ben.

It's a mushroom guys, it's just a mushroom.

Please stop.

Ben, what the hell?

I think I'm in love with you.

What the hell, Ben?


Why'd you draw my dick so small?

I don't know what you're talking about.

Yeah Ben, why'd you draw his dick so small?

[Zach] Why'd you draw my dick so small?

Why'd you draw his dick so small?

[All] Why'd you draw his dick so small?

I didn't draw it small.

[All] Why'd you draw his dick so small.

Wait, please.

I did, I did draw it small.

I wanted my bone to be bigger.

Excuse me ladies, don't mind me.

See, alright, alright.

That's fine, that's fine, alright.

You can do this Duffy.

Alright, okay.

I must participate in this some way for it to count.

What the hell are you doing?

Uh, having a three way?

Ugh, whatever.

Totally counts.

Hey Jude, have you seen Lisa?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I think she just went tin the closet with that dude a few minutes ago.

Are you fucking serious?

[Lisa] This is the hardest penis I've ever felt.

[Zach] Well it is my penis so--

What the fuck?

[Party Guest] Zach is getting a broom job.

Are you fucking serious?

Are you fucking kidding me?

Did you, did you cum?

Christian, I'm sorry, I was just trying to fit in.

I'm going to kick his ass.

Professor Phantom.

Oh no, Zach.

You think you can mess with people's girlfriends In all fairness, technically, I didn't touch her.

Knock him the fuck out.

Christian, sweetie, are you having fun?

Mom, go back inside and watch CSI: Miami.



I hooked up with her last year

I'm Christian's brother, that's my mom.

Then you get it.

(uptempo dramatic music)

I'm going to fuck you up.

Think about it, why do you think no one ever

Because he wasn't wearing any pants.

No, what the fuck?

Holy shit.

That thing is half tip, half shaft.

Dude, why'd you stop?

Punch him in the dick.

But dude, it's kind of gay though.

His dick's just like dangling there.

Yeah, it'd be pretty weird if you just like, I'm not going to punch him in the dick.

Holy shit, it's working.

Yeah, you want some of this Christian?

Yeah, you want some of this?

Alright, everybody shut up.

Fuck this, you're dead.

Fuck. Hey.

Professor Phantom.

Oh my.

(Ben yelling)

(Jessica yelling)

(sign smashing)

That chick got knocked the fuck out.

I'm so glad I got into education.

What the fuck?


Dad, Dad, sorry.

You fuckers are going to pay for this.

[Ben] Dad, I'm sorry.

(whistle blowing)


Our lives are over.

I'm going to have to transfer to a new school in some rural town, get a fucking job as a coal miner, never follow my hopes and dreams, not that there's anything wrong with being a coal miner.

It's just not the life I set out for myself, but now, none of it matters because of that stupid fucking party.

How fun was that party last night, lads?

Duffy, you weren't at the party.

In fact, I had t'ree way.

Duffy, you didn't have a three way.

Well, if I didn't have a t'ree way, then how would I know that they had nipple rings?


Yes, nipple rings.

I even cut my finger on them.

Look at it, look at the bandaid.

Duffy, you cut your finger on a milk carton last week.

I was there.

Fine, but I will prove it to you one day.

Prove it.

Prove it.

Fucking dweeb.

Help me.

You know, maybe I should save my virginity until marriage.

I'll get to save it for that one special woman, you know.

Check out Madison Kim, class president, valedictorian.

It would be like hooking up with Hillary Clinton, so accomplished.

Are they coming over right now?

Oh my God, they're totally coming over.

Hey, guys.

Hey, Ben.


It's been a while, Zach.


I feel like we just.

Yeah, you like that Madison?

Yeah, you want me to vote for you for class president?

You're going to have to earn it if you want me to put my ballot in your dirty box.


Anyways, that was pretty crazy what you guys did at the party the other night.


Yeah, you guys know how to have fun.

Yeah, we love to party, am I right dude?

Don't blow this.

We're also really chill, too.

Um, like, we love just sitting and talking about our feelings at the end of, end of the day also.

So um, my parents are going to be out of the house all night if you guys want to, thought it would be a good idea if maybe you come over and like study with us.

Um, yeah, we'd--

Absolutely. Yeah, we'd love to study.

Yeah, we, we're always studying together.

Right, all the time.

We love knowledge.

Great, so how about you come over at seven?

I live in the house right next to Wawa, so you can't miss it.

Cool, perfect, we'll see you then.

Okay. Bye.

See ya.

Dude, did that actually just happen?

Did that actually just happen?

Did that actually just fucking happen?

Oh my God.

Dude, dude, fuck marriage.

Fuck marriage.

Dude, we're getting pussy.

We're getting fucking pussy tonight dude.

We're getting fucking pussy tonight.

Oh my God, we're getting pussy tonight.

You and I are getting pussy tonight.

Hey Ben.


Oh, my Gosh, I'm so sorry about last night.

I know, right?

So much fun.

We should totally hang out again.

Who are you going to prom with?

I mean like, I'm not saying like, you have to go to prom with me.

You totally don't have to ask me to prom.

It's like, not a big deal, but like if you did want I'm wearing purple so like, I really feel like we should just like plan ahead.

Isn't prom next year?

Shut up.

So like, if there's anything you want to ask me like, I'm not saying there has to be a question you ask me like, if there is, I'm just like saying that like, I'm all ears.

Um. Fucking ask her.

Does your face hurt?

That was like, such a fun party.

Like, totally fun and honestly, it'll totally be better by prom.

Like, don't even worry about it.

It's like, I mean, honestly, even if it's not better by prom, like, I'm running for prom queen and like, I can totally get the sympathy vote with this but like, honestly, I'm just going to need like a king by my side, you know what I mean?

Would you uh,

would you like to go to prom with me?

Oh, my God.

Yeah, I mean like, I mean like, I guess I'd go.

Like, if you're going, I might as well go.

Oh, my God.

My mom's going to be like, just like, you know come by around like 6:30 and like we'll have the limo and like--

You mean like 6:30 next year?

Yeah, Zach.

Like, I just think it's really good to be prepared.

Oh, yeah.

Right there, just rub it in up there.

That's perfect, just the tip, there we go.

(doorbell ringing)

[Zach] Hi, Mr. Diaz.

Sergeant Diaz.

Right, I'll get it right one of these days.

I'm here to pick up Ben for our date.


Zach is here and you got mail.

I'll be down in a minute.

So um, how was Antarctica?



And the missus?

I mean, I know she walked out on you when Ben was a baby but like, is she coming back soon?

(light sneaky music)

So have you thought about getting back on the dating market?

You should try it.

There's a lot of really neat apps on your phone that make it really easy.

What's an app?

You don't know what an app is?

So there's one dating app that's really cool.

Uh, and it's like you swipe and then like, you order a female.

Like prostitution?

No, it's not like prostitution because like, they have to consent and you have to swipe right and consent, you both have to...

Now that I think, it is a little like prostitution.


Yeah, Ben, come down.


[Ben] I'm ready.

Dude, you look amazing.

Thanks, Zach.

You're wearing the jeggings I bought you.

Of course I would, man.

Jesus fucking Christ.

Yo, give me the keys.

Hey, Zach, so I got this letter in the mail today.

Did the letter have a vagina in it?


Did you pull a letter out of a vagina?


Ben, okay, then who cares?

Okay, fine, but why are we leaving so early?

We don't even have to be to Madison's for another three hours.

Well, I thought you could use a little more practice talking to single women.

Where are you going to find single women at four in the afternoon?

God, dude, this place is fucking incredible.

This is the kind of stuff that needs to happen at the career fair, you know?

Like, the world already has enough surgeons.

Dude, you think I should talk to the cashier about getting a summer internship?

What? No.

Yeah, you're right, I'm not qualified for that.

Dude, stop eating that chicken.

Probably has like, chlamydia. do not accept any major credit cards, cashiers checks.

God, dude, that girl's tits.

They're so fake, you know?

Like, they could block a bullet.

Alright, follow my lead.


You're really good at dancing.

With the pole and everything.

You look like a firefighter.


Yeah, have you ever, have you ever fought a fire or--

Nope. Cool.

Okay, um.

Can I get four ones back.

It's like a sexy ATM.

All right, uh, is this enough for a lap dance for my friend?

Four dollars?

You're kidding right?

No, is that too much?

[Candy] I'll do it.

So my friend's a little awkward when it comes to talking to girls so just give him all the advice you got.

He used to be really fat when he was a kid.


Kind of fat, but really fat.

Advice, huh?

Well the most important thing is to always be sensitive.

All that slick stuff is hot for a moment but girls really just want to know they can feel comfortable around you.


Yeah, it's important to be in touch with your feminine side.

Ask about how her day was, what are her hopes and dreams.

Um, I never thought about that before.

What's your name?

Candy, Candy Goldberg.


(glass shatters)

(Wouldn't It Be Nice by the Beach Boys)

(monitor beeping)

(Zach coughing)

Hey Ben.

Jessica, what are you doing here?

Nothing, just moseying around through the neighborhood.

I see you're getting a lap dance from that stripper.


Looks fun.

I don't care by the way.

I'm a cool girlfriend, I trust you.

By the way, what tie are you wearing to prom?

We should match.

Candy, I know this might sound kind of crazy but, I think I'm in love with you.

Um, can I get your number?

Yeah, sure.

You know, when I'm not stripping, I'm also an escort.

Escort to my heart.

Here you go.

Mom, Colt won't share his toy.

Is that your son?

Hi buddy, I'm going to be your new dad.

My speckle.

Billy, get your ass back in the fucking play room.


Ven aqui.

I'm sorry, I'm so sorry senor.

Guys, I'm so sorry about that little inconvenience.


That said, I do hope your time here at the Pleasure Palace has been pleasurable.

Stay as long as you'd like.

Go to the gift shop, get a t-shirt, 15 percent off today only.

Whatever you need though, seriously, let me know.


I'm the manager here, all right?

Here's my card.

I'd be happy to take care of you guys.

[Colt] Daddy, Billy wants me--

Colt, I said get back in the fucking playroom.

I'm kidding, I'm kidding.

Come on guys, you guys think I'm going to shoot a kid?

He's acting, it was a joke.

Sal, you see that?

These guys think I'm going to shoot a kid.

(gun firing)

Guys, her implant blocked the bullet.

It's a strip club miracle.

Whoa, are you kidding me?

That was so close.

That was so close.

Sal, did you see--

(gun firing)

(everybody screaming)

What the fuck?

What the fuck?

It's pretty neat they gave us free t-shirts, huh?

Are you joking? our current ones are covered in stripped blood, Zach.

Geez, I'm just saying it's not every day you get a free t-shirt.

Come on, come on, I got to poop.

Dude, I told you not to eat the buffet.

Alright, just wait to shit until you're actually hooking up with Becky.


Ben, girls can literally smell pheromones from your poop.


Where did you hear that?

I don't know, like GQ or Nat Geo or Ellen--

Hey guys.

Oh, you're matching.

Becky, they're matching.

Um, how was your day?

Um, it, it was really good.

Uh, how was yours?

It was okay.


And what are your hopes and dreams?


I just--

Oh my goodness.

I'm so, so sorry.

I totally didn't mean to do that.

It's not, it's not.

It's honestly totally--

Totally didn't mean to do that.

It's not like a big--

I'll get you cleaned up.

Dude, Ben, she's going to suck my dick, dude.



It's like a dream come true.

It's everything we ever wanted.

I thought we came here to study.

Shut the fuck up.


Ben, Ben.

Dude, I'm going to finger her.

You think she'll let me finger her?

How many fingers do I use?

[Ben] I don't know.

How many fingers do I use?

[Ben] I don't know. Like one?

I, Zach, I don't know.

No, that's not, that's too little, right?

What about four? Four fingers? whole fist? I can't fist her right?

Too much on the first date, right?

What if it's like, like that too much?

No, cause it's like uneven?


Take your pants off.

Okay, oh, wow.

Cool, so much fun.

Everyone loves this.

Fun, fun, fun.

It's like the most fun study session ever.

I can't believe I got your pants this wet.

I'm like, really sorry.

Honestly, it's fine.

They were like, they were too dry before.

Anyway, I was telling Ben all morning like these are too dry.

So, um, I'll throw them in the dryer.

And um, you uh, better be ready when I get back.

You better be ready when you get back.

I'm already like, ready.

I'm going to be the readiest.

So ready.

I'm going to ready you all night.

Yeah, so sexy when you're ready.

So bye, um, bye.

Get the fuck up.

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to yell at you.

I didn't mean, I didn't mean to yell at you.

It's just like, this is a really important moment for both of us and I didn't, I want to give you the life you deserve.

I don't want your whole life to be in my hands.

Are you going to get the fuck up?

Are you okay?

Yeah, I'm fine.

Uh, do you know where the bathroom is?

Yeah, down the hall.

Thank you very much.

(Ben farting)


Hey, so look at what I brought.

So, you are going to look super cute in this.

No, silly, this is for you.


Why hello there.

What, what, what are you doing in here?

Looks like somebody wants a blumpkin.

Whoa, a what?

A blumpkin for my pumpkin.

That's even a thing?

I can smell the pheromones.

Zach was right?

I haven't showered in two weeks.

That's dirty.

I know it is.

I, no, no, no, I don't mean like in a sexual way.

Like, that's gross, like you need a shower.

I'm going to eat that dick.

Wait, wait, wait, if you're hungry, we can just order take out.

Why is this, I feel so weird.

Zach, are you ready yet?

[Zach] I don't want to come out.

Come on Zach, it's going to be so much fun.

You look so pretty.


Yes, I could just like, roll you into a little ball and just eat you up right now.

This little thing?

Come on.

I'm going to get you.

Please, stop.

Why are you running?

Please stop.

I'm going to get you.

Please, please, please.

I'm having so much fun with you.

Aren't you having fun?

Uh, no.

Playing hard to get, huh?


I'm going to get you.

I like this position.

Look at you, you're so strong.

Like Donkey Kong.

Let me hear your Donkey Kong.

Is this normal?

You like that? No.

Hey, Madison?

What, what are, what are you doing?

Um, I'm just going to second base.

Um, aren't I supposed to grab your boobs?

Zach, um, just, just relax.

Okay, yeah.

You know what would be like really hot?


Would just like, really turn me on?

What, what?

If you tucked it between your legs.


If you tucked it between your legs.



What the?


Madison, what is going on here?

This has been an odd make out sesh.

You're being odd right now.

Why are you saying that word?

Odd? That word.


Stop, that's a weird word.


You're not saying it right.


It's like odd. Odd.

Oh my God, I can't do this.

What, what can't you do?

I mean-- What?

I don't, I'm gay, Zach.

You're gay?

Well, I mean, I think so.

I wasn't positive until now but--

What, what do you mean you're gay?

Well, I always thought that, like, I might be gay but I've never been with a girl before and then I saw you take your pants off at Christian's party.

It was cold out.

I just thought that you would be a good lesbian middle ground.

I mean, you have really, like, toned legs and a chubby baby-like belly and a Wanda Sykes haircut.

So, what I was some, some fucking experiment?

Well, it's high school, right?

I mean, like, aren't we supposed to experiment?

You objectified me like, like an object.

Honestly, this is not nice to treat men this way, Madison.

We have come a long way since, you know, we've, we've come a long way since, we've come a long way.

[Madison] Zach.

(door slamming)

You ready for this?

No, no, no.

You ever seen Dirty Dancing?


[Becky] Catch me Ben.

[Ben] Becky, no!

(metallic crashing)

Madison, we're home.

That's it, Madison.

I'm out of here.

You're just like every other girl.

I'm selling this dress on Ebay.

Wait, I am so, so...


Sir, ma'am.

[Becky] Call me, Ben.

[Madison] Zach.

No, Madison, not now.

Please, just wait a minute.

Please, I'm so sorry.

I know what I did, it was wrong.

I just, I got confused for a minute.

Madison, this was my one chance to finally get with a girl, was that so much to ask?

[Madison's Dad] Why is there shit on my towel?

Zach, I promise, I'm going to make this up to you and I'm going to fix it, okay?

Being class president comes with a lot of influence.

(car engine sputtering)

I hate this fucking car, Ben.

Why doesn't your dad get a better fucking car?

Blue balls, blue balls, blue balls.

Dude, my balls look like they're about to audition for the Blue Man Group.

I need some Panga Sister porn ASAP.

Ah, dude.

Awww, Ben, check out these tentacles, dude.


Ben, what are you doing over there?

Just, just jerking off, Zach.

All right, well, come over here dude.

I just need a little bit of alone time right now, okay?

Shit like that happens, you know, like sometimes they'll try to like, use your feminine features and like, small dick to figure out you're like, sexual orientation, but like, don't worry about it, dude.

Like, fucking shit happens man.

What makes you so sure?

I don't know, dude, I just know.

You know what, Zach, ever since I've been back, you haven't been right about anything.

All you've been doing is chasing girls and you've been dragging me around so you can do it and it hasn't even worked.

You wanted to do this, Ben, just as much as I did.

No, I didn't, I told you that I didn't.

But then my dad came in my room and told me about how many girls he got in high school and he gave me this horse condom.

Horse condom?

You know we got into Comic Con, right?

Oh, wait, you wouldn't know anything about that because anything without a vagina isn't worth bringing up to you, is it Zach?


[Ben] Congratulations, buddy.


We wrote this thing when we were fucking 12.

Fuck you, Zach.

This is important to me.

You've changed, man.

Yeah, of course Ben. I grew up.

What, you thought you would just come back You left me and you promised you would call every single day and you didn't even call once.

Do you know what it's like to navigate high school all by yourself?

Do you?

You know why I care so much about getting on the stall?

Because I made it.

First day of Freshmen year, I sat in that fucking bathroom and carved every name into the wall, promising myself that by the time I was a Senior, I would have more tallies next to anyone, but you know what?

The stall became a legend and I didn't.

Fuck you, fuck your letter, and fuck Stan Lee.

I'm finished, Zach.

I'm done with this.

You can go get girls on your own.

I'm going to fuck the next girl I see.




Get off me.

Shut up.

Why are you doing this to me, man?

Honestly, my mom and dad got divorced last month and I've been taking it out on all the wrong people.

My mom and dad got divorced too.

Come here, man.

[Male Student] So inspired.

I wish my parents were divorced.

Hey, Zach.


Hey, Zach.


Sup, Zach?

What's up, fellas?

Now, that's the man who's ready to lead my cast of The Sound of Music.

Wow, you could be a Nazi.

I heard he has a huge dick.

I heard he has two dicks.


[Female Student One] I heard he's great in bed.

[Female Student Two] My friend said he cried during The Notebook.

[Male Student] I heard the Vice Principal gave him a handy, so hot.

Madison, what's going on?

You should go check the bathroom.

Hey, no running in the halls.

Sorry Mr. Pomenteer.

(triumphant rock music)

Holy shit.

I made it on the stall.

Well, Zach, you did it.

You lost your virginity before graduation.

Well, I don't think that was exactly the premise.

It kind of was.

I mean, you didn't reinvent the wheel or anything.

Fair enough.

I'm just thinking.

(bell ringing)

Hey, Zach.


Hey, uh, Kimberly.

We've heard some pretty interesting things about you lately, as you know, and like everyone else in the whole world knows my birthday party is on Saturday.

So, yes or no?

Um, yeah, yes.

You can come to my birthday party this Saturday?

Oh, oh yeah, um, definitely, yeah.


Yeah, I'm excited.

I'll, uh, I'll get there early.

Oh, you can just come when it starts.

I'll see you.

See ya, Kimberly.

Holy shit.

(dramatic music)

Holy shit.

Hey, Zach.

Hey, Zach, looking cute.

Lisa, look, Zach's here.

Zach Fox?



No, he's this way babe.

Sup ladies?

Get in the pool dude. Hey, Zach.

Yo, it's Zach Fox.

Benjamin Diaz.

Welcome to Comic Con.

(dance music)

[Zach Voiceover] I finally made it from dud to stud.

Is it weird this is the first time I'm narrating?

Normally you'd open up with narration but this story became with two kids masturbating so I thought that might be strange.

Also, was the opening too much?

Anyway, back to the party.

Are you having fun at my party?

Um, yeah, hell yeah.

Want to come help me unwrap my presents?

Of course, yeah, that'd be great.

Meet me upstairs in my room in five minutes.



What are you doing here, Zach?

Partying with all my new friends.

Where's Ben?

Ben, Ben Diaz?

Oh, he's at Comic Con or whatever.

Okay, well, just because you're at a party with these people doesn't make them your friends.

I party with them all the time and I don't think I like a single one of them.

Marissa, hi, long time no see.

Oh, hey, Cathy.

How's your mom?

How's your dad?

I'm going to go to the bathroom.

Okay, love the fanny pack.

How do you fit all your coke in there?

You have a real friend.

Someone that would spend five years making a comic about you two.


Oh, my God.

Don't lost your best friend again.

Know what, Marissa?

And Dr. Clark said I'm supposed to talk to you.


What took you so long?

I need help unwrapping all my presents.

Luckily for you, I used to gift wrap at a Toys R' Us.


Here, I'll open the first one.


[Young Ben Voiceover] But just when all hope feels lost, amazing?

Comes the Amazing Duo to save the day.


So long friend.

(Zach and Ben screaming)


What, what's wrong?

What's wrong?

What's wrong?

Kimberly, we don't know anything about each other.

I mean, I've wanted to hook up with you my entire life because you have amazing, giant, planet sized breasts.

And now all of a sudden, you want to hook up with me because what, I'm on the stall of fame or someone told you I have a big penis?

You know what, Kimberly, I don't have a big penis.

It's regular at best.

I mean, not small, but definitely average for my age, weight, and size.

It's not about the size of the dog in the fight, it's about the size of the fight in the dog.

Mark Twain.

I mean, what do you want a big cock for anyway, Kimberly?

That could break your vagina.

You only get one vagina.


Girls only have one vagina?


The other one's for periods?

It's like a period hole?

No, it's all in one.

I wasn't paying attention during sex-ed.

Goodbye Kimberly's boobs.

I need to go.

Where are you going?

Comic Con.

Hey, um, I almost forgot to ask you.

How was your day?

It was okay, I guess.

And uh, what are your hopes and dreams?

I really want to be a pediatric oncologist.

Pediatric oncology.


Well, um, see you later Kimberly.

No one's ever asked me that before.

Go get him, Zachary.

Make the t'ree of us proud.

I will.

Sergeant Diaz!

Sergeant Diaz!

Hi, Sergeant Diaz.

Told you I'd get it right one of these days.

Zach, what are you doing here?

I was down the street at Kimberley Somer's party and I was so close to finally touching her boobs but the whole time I was about to touch them, all I could think about was your son.

Oh, my God.

Look, I, I know you don't like me and you've never wanted me to be friends with Ben, but right now, he's the only thing in my life that actually matters and I'm all he's got.

He's at Comic Con about to experience the most important moment of his life and he needs me there and I'm too drunk to drive myfself.

What do you say?

Wait, Mr. Diaz, no don't go.

I'm not driving you back.

[Zach] You watch the big game the other night?

[Mr. Diaz] Which one?

[Zach] Just like, any of them?

Thanks, Mr. Diaz.

Um, hi, sir.

Um, I know it's not chill to cut the line Stan Lee competition and I need to get in there right away.


Um, I know you're not going to believe this but I actually left my wallet at home.

You trying to fuck my mom?

Excuse me?

I said are you trying to take that little ass dick and set it in my mom's coochie?


You must be a real mother fucker to think that you can just come up here, cut in front of this whole line, and tell me that you forget your ID.

This ain't no auto show convention.

This is Comic Con, bitch.

Look, sir, I just need you to find it in your heart to understand.

I'm just a man standing in front of another man, trying to tell a different man that he's my best friend.

So, what do you say?

I didn't realize it was like that.

Or maybe I should just kick your ass.

That's how you fight someone without whipping your dick out.

But Mr. Diaz, how did you--


Thanks Mr. Diaz, I owe you one.


Okay, I'm not very fast though.


Eh, why not?

I put some Molly in it.

Who's Molly?




Ben, where are you?

Benjamin, it's Zach.


Excuse me, have you seen my friend Ben?

[Convention Goer] Who the fuck is Ben?



What, what are you doing here?

I left Kimberly's party to come here for you.

For us.

You're too late, the competition's already over.

We didn't win.


Ben, what do you mean we didn't win?

We lost, Zach, Stan Lee didn't pick our comic book.

Wait, wait.

Wait, where are you going?

To find Stan Lee.

You coming?

Stan Lee!

Stan Lee!

Stan Lee!

Excuse me.

Stan! Stan Lee!

Have any of you guys seen Stan Lee?

Has anyone, has anyone here seen Stan Lee?

He has to be somewhere.

Stan Lee!

Are you the Jared Leto Joker?

Why would you pick that?

That's the worst Joker.

Stan Lee!

Stan Lee!

Stan Lee.


We should just give up.

Ben, I'm sorry.

Whatever, dude.

No, it's not whatever.

I've been a horrible friend to you but when you left, dude, I didn't fucking know how to survive and then when you came back, I got so wrapped up in trying to get girls and become popular that I forgot what was actually important.

Well, it's not all your fault Zach.

I mean, when I got back, I thought everything would just be the same.

I didn't consider what it was like for you all these years.

Dude, I fucked up.

No, Zach, I fucked up.

No, Ben, really, I was the one who fucked up.

No, I was the one that fucked up.

Dude, I fucked up so hard.

No, I fucked up harder.

All right, you know what?

We both fucked up.

The only thing I need to get is you.

That was a very touching moment, boys.

[Both] Stan Lee.

You're the boys from the comic book, right?

Um, yes, Mr. Stan Lee.

Uh, our comic book was in competition tonight.

That was good.

Except for all that uh, villain trying to stop all hand jobs, that kind of went right over my head.

Other than that, it was close call for first.

Who drew it?

Um, that was all Ben, Mr. Stan Lee.

Tell you what, you got a hell of a talent for comic book illustration, kid.

Wow, thank you Mr. Lee.

Take my card, email my secretary, we'll do lunch.

Um, Mr. Lee, before you go, there's something I've always needed to know.

What is it, kid?

Does Spiderman cum webs?

No, he webs cum.

[Both] Whoa.

Dude, I can't believe Stan Lee just gave me his card.

I always thought it was Stan Lee.

(Mr. Diaz laughing)

This place is amazing.

Meet my new wife, Molly.

Dad, what are you doing here?

We're coming here every freakin' year.

You too, Zach.


[All] Excelsior.

Look, look, look.

[Zach] Dude, this is insane.


Oh, my God.

Are those limited edition?

[Both] The Panga Sisters.

(techno music)

(orchestral music)

(slow country music)