How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days (2003) Script

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If only you knew what I just dealt with.

I mean, this guy was right in front of me going...

That guy deserves a ticket. I'm sure he's still way back...

A woman never reveals her age.

"And only then will the people of Tajikistan

"know true and lasting peace. "

Andie, it's brilliant. It's really moving.

But it's never gonna appear in Composure magazine.

God, I busted my butt in grad school to be Andie Anderson, how-to girl, and write articles like, How to Use the Best Pick-up Lines, and Do Blondes, Do They, Like, Really Have More Fun?

I wanna write about things that matter, like politics and the environment and foreign affairs, things I'm interested in.

Keep busting your butt. You're gonna get there.

Hey, I got something to cheer you up.

You know that editor from Sports Illustrated that you have been shamelessly flirting with on the phone for, I don't know, a month, now? He made a little delivery this morning.

Let me see. Don't. No. Hey!

Tomorrow night. What happens tomorrow night?

Only the most exhilarating and artistic display of athletic competition known to mankind.

The Ice Capades are in town? No, the NBA finals are in town, and I got tickets!

Come with me? All right, I'll go.

But I am not putting out.

Two stale jumbo dogs and a couple of beers, you'll be whistling a different tune.

You know what I like. Good morning, ladies.

Don't forget, staff meeting in 30 minutes.

Michelle. Haven't seen her all morning. Have you?

Ten-to-one she's wallowing. It's my turn. I'll get her.

You get the coffee. Meet me on the corner in 20.

Wait, wait, wait. Here, take some samples.

Samples. Samples. Great idea.

Boy, drama, drama, drama.


Hello, Ben.

Hey, hey. Good morning, Spears.

What are you reading, girl? You catching up on your current events?

"Turn-on Tricks: How to Make Him Hot. "

You know, if you wanna try those out sometime, we should get together.

Green and I have an appointment at Composure, the fastest-growing women's magazine in the country.

And seeing as how our clients run a lot of our campaigns in their nationally syndicated little girly magazine, it wouldn't hurt you to do a little reading.

Hey, Benny. Good morning, Green.

You finally decided to show up? Yes, I did.

You ready? Ready. Later, Ben.

Have a nice day, ladies.

Hi!

Good morning, sunshine.

Okay, get dressed. Get dressed. Staff meeting, 15 minutes. Let's go.

I'm going back to bed. I have no reason to live.

Sun's out.

Okay, just... Okay, now.

Cashmere?

Put it on. It'll make your eyes look fiercely green.

Get up. I'm not gonna let you lose your job on top of everything else.

Come here. Oh, Andie.

Okay. Okay.

You only dated the guy a week.

It was the best week of my life.

Sweetheart.

Good morning, ladies!

What's up, Tito? Warren Advertising.

Yes, he's waiting for you. Hold on. Good morning.

What's up, kitty cat? What's up, daddy? Big night?

Not bad. Orgy?

Where were you? Not at an orgy.

Did you hear?

What? That my Knickerbockers are now in the championship series and Tone the Bone, here, owes me 20 bucks?

Pay him. Man, well, you were right.

DeLauer Diamonds is looking for a new ad agency.

Warren wants to move on it aggressively.

Yes! Oh, this is a good day. This is a good day.

Guys, did you know that diamonds are about as common as taxis on 5th Avenue?

The value is entirely sentimental, maintained by supply, demand and advertising.

Stripes. Now, DeLauer dominates the world diamond market.

Meaning, if I represent them, I basically represent the entire industry.

What? Warren gave it to the Judys.

Spears and Green, they're already on it.

No way! Yeah.

Well, you know, he's kind of partial to hot, leggy chicks.

Yeah, and we're the sneakers and beer division.

Precious gems aren't exactly our forte.

Lips and hips are over at a chicks' magazine, right now.

I gotta get to Warren before... You can't. You can't. He's on a plane.

Easy, pal. Chicago meeting.

And it's too late anyway 'cause Warren's meeting them for drinks at Mullen's tonight to discuss their idea.

Know what? This didn't happen. You know why? This was my tip.

It's gonna be my pitch, my account, my campaign. This is my baby.

That's what I'm talking about. They will not ace me out of this.

That's right. I heard that.

Okay, Mullen's tonight. "I heard that"?

Hi. Hi.

I don't really wanna talk about it, okay? Okay.

Okay.

Why does this always happen to me?

Things are going great for, like, a week-and-a-half and then all of a sudden, it's over, and I am mystified!

Seriously, I am mystified because it always starts out so well.

Poor baby. Let's just roll with this.

Mike and I had such a connection.

The first time that we had sex, it was so beautiful.

I cried.

You cried? Yeah.

You mean like one glistening tear on your cheek, right?

No, I was really emotional. I even told him that I loved him.

After how many days? Five.

Two.

It was how I felt. I wanted to express myself.

Okay. Well, what did he say?

Oh, Mike didn't have to say anything. I know that he felt the same.

But then, he started getting really busy, and I didn't know where he was, so I kept calling him, calling him. He was never home.

You kept calling him? I didn't leave a message.

He didn't know it was me. My number's blocked.

Oh, I'm sure he thought it was one of his friends.

You know, men frequently call their friends' answering machines and hang up 20 times.

Anyway, I know why he dumped me.

I'm too fat.

You're not fat! You're not fat!

Michelle, if the most beautiful woman in the world acted the way you did, any normal guy would still go running in the other direction.

No. No guy would go running from you, Andie.

You could barf all over him and he would say, "Do it again. "

That is both incredibly disgusting and categorically untrue.

If I did the things you did, I'd get dumped, too.

Okay, family, shoes off.

And breathe.

Out.

Okay, Lori, let's start with you.

Well, the BOTOX for Beginners piece is done.

Now, it's a little scary, but mostly upbeat.

Now I'm on What Your Gyno Won't Tell You, which is also pretty scary, but, you know, upbeat.

I finished my research on Deadly Pedicures, about the woman who contracted that fungus from the unsterilized tools.

It's a terrible story, although surprisingly upbeat.

Upbeat. Marvelous.

What's next for How-To With Andie?

Well, I've been working on something that's, kind of, different.

It's... It's a political piece and it's... No.

Andie, you work at Composure magazine.

We are fashion, trends, diets, cosmetic surgeries, salacious gossip, that's Composure.

Okay, but... Look, Andie. Okay.

The column is new for you.

When you turn it into a must-read, then you can write about whatever you want.

Until then, you can write about whatever I want.

Understood? Yeah.

Michelle, what have you got?

I'm sorry, Lana. I wasn't feeling very well.

She got dumped. Oh, no, Michelle!

What a hellish ordeal for you.

But I must say, you are looking fabulous.

Are we loving the way she looks, all?

We love the way she looks. Oh, you're so right. She looks great.

I haven't eaten since the split. Good for you! Write about it.

I can't use my personal life for a story.

I understand completely.

Who will use Michelle's personal life for a story?

Oh, I will! Go.

No, no, no! Lana, with all due respect, Lori has no business mucking around in my personal life, and I can't let her.

I'll do it. What?

I'll sort of do it. It's...

You will be my inspiration.

For? Look at Michelle.

She is a great girl, right? Yes.

An amazing woman.

But she has a problem hanging on to relationships, and doesn't really know what's she doing wrong, which is like a lot of our readers.

So I was thinking that I could start by dating a guy and then drive him away, but only using the classic mistakes most women, like Michelle, make all the time.

I'll keep a diary of it and it will be sort of a dating how-to in reverse.

What not to do. Yeah.

How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days.

Yes. Go.

Bart, what's new in the shoe... Wait, wait, Lana. I'm sorry.

Why 10 days?

Five days is too short, and we go to press in 11. Yes?

Okay, what we found out is men are attracted to purple shoes.

Thank you. Now, I love them myself...

Maybe toss in something spiritual as well.

Who's that chic Buddhist Richard Gere cavorts with?

The Dalai Lama? He's fabulous.

Here's my 10:00. Welcome. Hi.

Ladies, Judy Spears and Judy Green from Warren Advertising.

We're going to cook up some fabulous tie-ins for the fall.

Jeannie Ashcroft, fashion and trends. Michelle Rubin, fitness and health.

Excuse me. Hi.

And Andie Anderson, our resident how-to girl.

Oh, I've seen your column, Andie. What are you working on now?

How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days.

She's actually going to start dating a guy and then drive him away in a week-and-a-half.

Sounds needlessly vicious.

It's going to be fabulous.

Now, all she has to do is run along and find the lucky guy.

Go, go, go. Nice to meet you.

Ladies, come.

Find the guy. Find the guy.

You are never going to pull this off.

Watch me. Tonight, I'll hook a guy. Tomorrow, pull the switch.

Before the 10 days are up, I'm gonna have this guy running for his life.

You're not gonna burn his apartment down or bite him or anything, are you?

No, I'm gonna limit myself to doing everything girls do wrong in relationships.

Basically, everything we know guys hate.

I'll be clingy, needy.

Be touchy-feely. Yeah.

Call him in the middle of the night and tell him everything you had to eat that day.

What's wrong with that?

I'm kidding.

Hello, Ben.

What are you doing here? Phil, I'm here for the meeting. Ladies.

But, you weren't invited. Yeah, but I should have been.

I mean, it was my tip that DeLauer was shopping for a new firm.

Yes, it was, but I have to think in terms of who's best suited within the company team.

Yes, sir, and that's me. I wanna handle this pitch.

Ben, you sell Joe Blow better than anyone else in my shop, but these girls sell luxury better than anyone else in the business.

We have to put our best foot forward on this pitch.

DeLauer would be our biggest account. Yes, sir, they would.

Annual advertising billings of 50 to 60 million dollars, and I am the man that's gonna bring this home for you, Phil.

Why this place? Because it's perfect.

Hi, Ingrid. Hi.

Mullen's is the après-work watering hole for the upwardly mobile.

Now, to date, the diamond industry has always targeted men, sending the message that the woman needs the man to buy her the rock.

All right, they say, "A diamond is forever. "

We say, "A diamond is for everyone. "

I like that. Yes.

We don't. "A diamond is for everyone" sends the message that diamonds are everywhere, which means they're not rare, and if they're not rare, they lose their status.

Status is the reason to buy them in the first place, which Benjamin would know if he understood women, which you don't.

You can't feel bad about that, Ben. No man does.

Here you go. Thank you.

Sorry.

Here. Here. Thanks.

Hey, don't pressure her. She's perusing.

Yes, exactly.

Selling a diamond to a woman is like making her fall in love.

She has to feel giddy, desirous, adventurous and desperate.

Take a look around this room, Phillip.

Most of the women in this bar are looking for just that.

Exactly. The skills required to market diamonds are the same as those needed to make a woman fall in love, yes.

I'm not talking about lust. A woman in lust wants chocolate.

A woman in love wants diamonds.

Yeah, I'm not talking about lust either, ladies.

I'm talking about deep, meaningful, head-over-heels, his-and-her towels, let's grow old together L-O-V-E.

Look, I love women.

I do. Whether they're 4 or 40 or my 88-year-old grandmother, I respect women, all right?

And I also listen to women.

And that's why I can sell myself to any woman, anywhere, anytime.

Make a woman fall in love with diamonds, Benjamin, or with you?

Either one.

That's cocky, Ben. No, not cocky. Confident.

I'd like to see you prove that. You would?

The agency is co-hosting a party for the DeLauers at the Astor Museum.

The party's a week from Sunday.

Do you think you can make a woman fall in love with you by then?

Ten days. Any woman, anywhere, anytime.

Any single, available, straight woman, yes.

Yes. I'm not trying to trick you, Ben. In fact, we'll choose a woman right here, right now, in this bar, and then you decide.

So who's the lucky girl? Okay.

Let's see here.

There's that blonde babe in the leopard print.

She looks like fun. Be nice, ladies.

Or, wow, Miss Babylon 5. Now she's on the prowl.

No.

Her.

Her who? Her in the gray dress.

Blonde hair, pretty smile.

Her?

Done. What?

Done. Done.

See the guy next to the horrible guy in the green shirt that I would never even consider?

Okay? Very cute.

Right? Good.

Here I go.

Okay, you're on.

But here are the stakes.

After I win this bet, this pitch is mine. Agreed.

Phil? Agreed.

You come to that party with a girl that's really in love with you, Ben, you can make the pitch to the DeLauers.

But, Phillip, you can't... I've made up my mind.

To the DeLauers. To the DeLauers.

Cheers. Cheers.

I was just wondering if you find...

Exciting.

Yes, my wife and I love New York, especially this time of year.

She'd been here before and I... Hi.

Hi. This is Andie.

Hi.

You guys enjoy New York. Okay.

Thanks, we will. Nice meeting you.

Good luck. Thank you, Phil.

Now, if you'll excuse me, ladies, I have a bet to win.

Ta-ta.

Now do you wanna tell me what's going on?

You don't recognize her?

Hi!

Hi. Hi.

Andie Anderson. Benjamin Barry.

Cute. Thank you.

I meant your name.

Thank you two times.

Unattached? Currently.

Likewise. Surprising.

Psycho? Rarely.

Interested? Perhaps.

Hungry? Starving.

Leaving. Now?

Okay. Okay.

One second. I'll meet you at the door.

Hey, hey, guys.

What? I think I got one.

He was married. No, not him.

It's the guy by the door. But don't look! No, guys!

He is really cute.

I'm gonna check this one out and see if he's the keeper.

Okay. And if he is?

Tomorrow night I'll...

Flip the switch.

I'm doing this for you. Well, good luck. Be safe.

Call me!

Drama, drama, drama.

No, no, no. This one.

And you get to wear the goofy-looking helmet.

It's not gonna look goofy on me. It looks goofy on just about everybody.

Look at you. That's pretty damn cute.

There you go.

You ready to go for a ride, Andie? Are you ready to go for a ride, Ben?

Get it. Get it? Yeah.

So what do you think? About the food or you?

Both.

This is delicious.

And I'm still deciding.

Anything I can do to help?

Yeah, you can answer some questions for me, actually.

"Some" sounds a little too indefinite. I'll give you three.

What do you do for a living? I'm in advertising.

I work mostly with alcoholic beverage and athletic equipment companies, and I'm trying to break into the jewelry market right now.

Saving the world one keg party at a time?

Yeah, something like that.

What about you? What about me?

Have I seen your work? I work at Composure.

Fastest-growing women's fashion magazine in the country.

I'm impressed.

Saving the world one shopaholic at a time?

Hey, all right. Look here, Sparky.

I have a masters in journalism from Columbia.

My boss loves me, and if I do it her way for a while, I can write about anything I want.

Like shoes?

No.

No.

Like alcoholic beverages and athletic gear.

Touché. Very nice.

So you think you got me all figured out? Almost.

I still got one last question. Shoot.

True or false?

All's fair in love and war.

True.

Great answer. Good question.

Welcome.

Oh, nice place. Thank you.

Very tidy.

Can I get you a cold beer? Sure.

Can I use your restroom? Yeah, you can.

It's up the stairs through the bedroom.

You are, aren't you? The first night. I can't believe you.

Michelle, I'm not going to sleep with him.

Oh, you are such a hussy. You can't hide those lying eyes.

No, no, because I can practice some self-control, unlike some people I know. Oh, really? That hurts, kind of.

I'm gonna dangle the bait. Wait. What's the bait?

I'm the bait, Michelle. Oh.

Yeah. Okay, I'm with you. Then what?

A diamond is no one-night stand.

A diamond is a long-term commitment.

Takes notes. You better record... I can't talk right now. I have to go.

Call me later, you slut. Okay, bye.

There you go. Thank you.

You're welcome.


Okay.


Hey, hey, let's not go too fast, okay?

Yeah.

Yeah.

We're moving too fast.

You're right. It's too fast.

Okay.

Too fast. Too fast.

Yeah.

I want you to respect me.

I do. Okay.

And I want your respect.

I respect you for respecting me.

I respect that.

Good.

Good night, Andie Anderson.

Oh, you are already falling in love with me.

I'm gonna make you wish you were dead.

Poor guy.

Of all the women Spears and Green could have thrown at me, this one is amazing.

Hanging with her for 10 days is gonna be no problem.

Right. That's only nine days longer than you've ever spent with any other chick, huh?

That's why I didn't go for the gold immediately.

I'm taking my time. It's a marathon, not a sprint.

Ten days is a marathon?

Okay, so it's more like the 3,000 meter hurdles.

The point is, she's already on the ropes, guys.

Wow, that's a lot of sports analogy.

Is that it? That's it.

Have you looked inside? No.

Do you have an ethical problem with rifling through a woman's purse?

Yeah, I guess I do.

Well, it's hardly a purse, dude. It's more like a clutch or something.

Guys, a woman's purse, all right, it's her secret source of power.

All right, there are many dark and dangerous things in there that we, the male species, should know nothing about.

Unless, of course, she left it behind intentionally to secure a next-day call back.

She's a very clever minx.

I'm sorry! Oh, God! We gotta clean that up.

Yeah, yeah.

Carefully. Carefully.

Oh, what have we here?

Let us see. Let us see.

Knicks tickets.

For tonight's game.

Delivery, Andie. Wow, look at those!

Andie! Oh, my God.

Where do you want these?

Wait.

"One hundred times more beautiful... "

Wait.

"... than 100 roses. "

Catchy. The guy's in advertising.

He can't help it. So does this mean he's hooked?

This means he found the Knicks tickets.

You left the tickets in the purse? Yeah.

You are just on a whole different playing field.

Here you go.

Andie Anderson.

Hey, hey, pretty girl. Guess what?

I got a really embarrassing display of white roses.

Well, you are welcome. Listen, I had a wonderful time last night.

I have your bag. I know.

I can't believe I left it there.

Well, you must need it back, what with all the cash, credit cards and those Knicks tickets for tonight's game.

Sounds like you've been peeking through my bag, Ben.

Oh, absolutely not.

Tony, my art director, he's an oaf, and he accidentally knocked it over.

Right. Yeah, I'm a clumsy man.

All right. I'm sorry, though.

I'm going to the game with somebody else.

Not anymore.

Besides, what, you think you left your purse at my place by accident?

No, subconsciously, you are dying to take me to that game.

Denying your subconscious desires is extremely dangerous to your health, young lady.

Does that psychobabble really work on anybody?

You tell me.

Andie, you're so bad.

All right, meet me at the 7th Avenue entrance.

-7:30. Don't be late. You got it.

Bye-bye. Bye.

And that's how it's done. And that's how it's done.

Foul on number 20, Allan Houston.

Bullshit! Come on, ref! What is that, ref?

Hey, if you're going to call it, call it both ways.

Oh, you're soft, man!

You were soft last year, and you're still soft!

What was that?

There we go. Work it around.

Defense!

Defense! Come on, buddy.

Defense!

Defense!

Defense!

Knicks call a 20-second timeout.

All right, take your five. Take your minute.

This is all right. We got 20 seconds. A 20-second T.


Knicks ball.

Bring it back!

Charge!

Work your arm, baby.

Charge! Go, baby.

Hold 'em up! Charge!

Benny. What? What? Yeah?

Benny, I'm thirsty.

Yeah, yeah! Benny, can you go get me a soda?

Yeah, I just wanna tell you, right now... I'm parched.

...there's a minute, nine left in the game, and then I'll go up and get it. I'm really thirsty.

I'll go get it. Hang on.

You want it right now? Yeah.

Okay, no ice, Ben. Thanks, Benny.

Lawrence Funderburke!

Here's Sprewell with the fake. Gets the step on Christie.

What a crossover! My man, Coke, no ice.

Next line over, pal. No ice.

Hey, buddy. Small Coke, no ice. Small Coke, no ice.

Okay, you got it.

Just beyond the three-point line. Fires!

No! Man, don't let him have that shot! Does that mean no, you don't want ice, or no, you want ice? No. No, no ice. Coke, no ice.

Don Chaney wants to talk it over.

Did you want a small? No, I want that one, right there.

You know, for 25 cents more, you could get a jumbo.

You take that right there. Keep the change.

Charge!

Excuse me.

Come on, baby, drive in the net!

Thanks.

Hey, hold him, hold him. Move it. Set your pick!

Watch the three seconds! Traveling! Ben, it's not diet. Ben, it's not diet.

Please, I'm so thirsty.

With a lime. With a lime. All right, all right.

Shoot it!

Sprewell for the win. Yes!

Latrell Sprewell!

It's all over. The Knicks have defeated the Kings in the final seconds.

Latrell Sprewell with the game-winning shot.

And the Knicks over Sacramento 97-96.

What an incredible game!

I've never seen a more exciting game played before.

Wow. You know, neither have I.

Hey, hey, hey. It's too bad you missed it.

Yeah, it's too bad. One second.

So, are you as nice as you seem, Ben?

No.

Good, neither am I.

Oh, here.

Fifth and Twelfth, please. See you later.

Horseshit!

More horseshit.

The horseshit continues. Horseshit.

Come on, people.

We gotta do a lot better than this if we're gonna...

What? There's a phone call for Mr. Barry.

Yeah, can you take a message, Candi? Mr. Barry, it's Andie.

Make it quick. I will.

It's line two, Mr. Barry. Thank you.

Hello. It's me!

Listen, I'm in the middle of a meeting. Can I call you back in just a minute?

I miss you, Benny Boo-Boo Boo-Boo-Boo.

Well, you know what, I miss you, too.

You busy tonight?

No. No, I'm not.

Why don't we catch a movie or something?

A movie? My choice? Your choice.

Oh, I'm so excited! Okay, I'll call you later.

Bye-bye. Bye.

Jonah!

I always wanted a man like Tom Hanks.

It's my favorite movie of all time. Yeah, me, too.

What if something had happened to you?

What if I couldn't get to you?

What are you thinking about? Nothing. I'm watching the movie.

Yeah, but what's on your mind?

I like this movie.

Oh, so I suppose your mind is a complete blank?

You are my family. You're all I've got.

Who is she?

Who's who? The girl you're thinking about.

Can't hear. I'm not thinking about a girl.

You can't watch Meg Ryan for two hours and not be thinking about another girl.

Lady, shut up.

Wanna know what I'm thinking about?

Yes.

I'm sitting here thinking about how damn beautiful you are.

That's what I'm thinking about.

Come here. Let's watch this movie. It's good.

Benji.

Oh, sweetie.

I love sharing this with you. Yeah.

Can't hear and can't see.

If you don't shut up, my boyfriend over here is gonna come back there and pummel your ass.

Put a muzzle on your old lady the next time you bring her out in public!

What? What is that? Do something... You, outside!

Keep it down.

Have a little class, all right?

You wanna talk like that to me, we can work it out, but not to a lady, all right? Ben, Ben, he's huge.

I got it. I'm not looking to get into a fight with the guy, okay?

He owes you an apology.

Now I'm gonna go back inside and finish watching Sleepless in Seattle.

Nobody screw with me. Son of a bitch.

Oh, Ben, are you okay?

Ben, Ben, maybe we should get you to a hospital.

No, no, no. No, you could have a...

Excuse me?

Hey, can you hold still? Right there. Hold still.

Okay, I'm sorry.

Yeah. That's feeling real nice. It's starting to feel a little better.

Ben. Ben.

Ben! Oh, my God! You're fine.

You are totally fine.

Okay, come on, Rocky. Get up.

Huh? Yeah.

Hey, don't feel bad.

If I had a nickel for every time I got in a fistfight during a chick flick...

Right. It really wasn't that bad. Really?

No, I mean, the getting punched in the face part sucked, right?

The getting taken care of after the punch, it was nice.

Florence Nightingale syndrome.

You want me to tape the game for you, tonight?

No need, my friend. I'll be watching the Knicks in the comfort of my own home, this evening.

How'd you swing that?

What's the coup de grâce? Heavyweight.

You're making the lamb. Voilà.

A woman loves a man who can cook. Yeah?

Bringing out the big guns.

Let's go deep. I like it.

Why do they always forget my bacon?

I can't believe you got that guy knocked out.

Only for a few seconds.

He was the most adorable unconscious man, ever.

Are you dating him, or are you contemplating adoption?

Andie, I am loving your notes on this piece.

Thank you, Lana.

When are you seeing him again? Tonight.

He's invited me over for dinner.

Marvelous. I've got a feeling about this one.

Thanks, Lana.

I hate it when she pops her head in like that.

I never... I heard that.

And, Andie, tonight, take smaller bites.

Oh, my God. Disgusting. I can barely eat over here.

Come on in. Door's open.

Hi! Hey there.

I hope you brought your appetite, girl. We've got a feast tonight.

Benny, isn't that sweet.

Go ahead and pour yourself a glass of wine.

We got dinner in about five and tipoff in about eight.

Great. I'm starving.

Oh, so perfectly pink!


Sheryl, Tori, Sinead, Jewel, Fiona, Carly.

The gang's all here! Great!

We got two minutes to game time.

You walked into the party Like you were walking onto a yacht Your hat strategically dipped below one eye Your scarf it was apricot Wow! Look at all this stuff.

Those are cute, and I saw the new comforter.

And all the girls dreamed that they'd be Ben's partner They'd be Ben's partner What you got in the box? Oh.

It's a baby fern. Really?

Oh, yeah? Just like our relationship, a helpless little baby in need of tender, loving care.

Thank you.

Sit down.

Have a seat. Get ready.

Game two. Welcome to the front row, madame.

Oh, oh. Up here.

Dinner is served.

Chef's special tonight, lamb with a cherry glaze.

Let's start you off with the main dish.

Right about there. And a few carrots.

Wait, wait. Hey. Hey. You okay?

It's beautiful.

Thanks. You're beautiful, the game, the whole thing.

I wish I ate meat.

Mary had a little lamb, little lamb

You have to take it away before I gag.

This stuff's for cows.

Hi. Hi.

How you doing? Just a little indigestion.

Are you okay?

All right. Excuse me, ma'am.

You happen to know the score of the Knicks game?

Do I look like the kind of person who knows the score of a Knicks game?

No, you don't.

Is something wrong with the barley?

No, no.

My boyfriend thinks I'm fat!

And I can't eat in front of him.

I can't eat in front of you!

I have to go to the bathroom. I don't think you're fat.

I don't think she's fat.

What's happening? Sprewell just tied it up.

Twenty-three seconds left, Knicks ball. ... Allan Houston with the ball.

Oh, come on!

There it is. There it is.

That was in! Come on. Get it back.

Get the ball back! Get the ball back!

A spin by Jackson.

No! Jackson able to hit, and the game has run out.

The Kings have beat the Knicks. Their first win of the series.

It's 97-95, Sacramento.

Next game.

Well, that was fun.

Okay, 11:25 sports. There we are.

...cut it to ten.

It's Mark Jackson with a no-look pass to Kurt Thomas.

Sorry we missed the game. Post. Post.

Reverse!

There we go, baby. I can't believe he missed that shot.

Take it! Take it! Hit it!

No!

How the hell did you know he was gonna miss that shot?

He always misses the shot from the top of the key.

That's the way it ended as the Knicks could not get off another shot.

Oh, man.

Houston never misses from the top of the key.

Does Princess Sophia wanna come out and play?

Who's Princess Sophia?

No, no, no, no, no, no! Wait, wait. You're kidding me, right?

Princess Sophia? Little, big. Little, big.

I don't know. We will find out.

You know, hang on a second.

All right, listen, you can't name my member Princess Sophia.

It doesn't... Yes, I can.

Listen to me. If you're gonna name my member, all right, you gotta name it something hyper-masculine, okay?

Something like Spike or Butch or Krull, the Warrior King, but not Princess Sophia.

What did you just say?

Spike. You know what I mean?

No, no, after Spike. Butch.

After Butch.

Krull, the Warrior King.

Does Krull, the Warrior King want to come out and play?

No. Come on out of there.

Krull! You know what?

Due to intense humiliation, the king has momentarily abdicated his throne, okay?

Yeah. Well, in that case, I better get going.

Take care of our love fern, honey.

Hi.

Can I see you tomorrow?

Really? I hope so.

Call me. I will.

And I'll call you. Sweet dreams.

Answer your phone!

What?

What was "icy" again?

"Arctic, freezing, frigid. "

How about "glitter"? Thayer's favorite movie.

It was underrated.

"Glint, glisten, scintillation. "

Scintillation, that's not bad. That sucks.

Guys, let's take a break. A little coffee and nine ball. Shake it up.

Maybe I'll be able to concentrate since the woman is driving me crazy.

Which woman, Andie or Princess Sophia?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wait a second. I thought you said, after the Knicks game, that she was a goddess.

Oh, she was. That was the good Andie, guys.

This amazing, fun, cool, sexy woman.

I'm talking about the evil Andie now.

It's like a crack-enhanced Kathie Lee Gifford.

She's probably bipolar.

Well, her south pole's definitely prevailing.

Well, all you gotta do is rock it for five more days.

Muffin! Which shouldn't be too difficult.

Hi. Andie, my sweetie.

We were just talking about you.

Hi. Hello, there.

How are you? You look gorgeous. Thank you.

This is Tony and this is Thayer. Oh, yes.

Benny-Wenny's told me so much about you two.

Oh, well, Benny-Wenny said wonderful things about you, too.

Oh, they don't look so simpleminded.

Honey, look what I got for us.

Look at that. Come on. Come on.

Wow! Look at him go. What is it?

It's a Chinese Crested, of course.

No kidding. A Chinese Crested.

So, it's like a dog, right?

Whoa! There he is. Ben. Ben.

You're hurting Krull's feelings.

Krull, is it? Krull. Krull, the Warrior king.

Well, sure, 'cause that's clearly what...

Oh, wait. There's more.

What do you got there? Oh, nice.

For me? Get out of town. Try it on.

Looks like the inside of a raincoat. Matches!

Oh, yeah, that's gonna fit nicely, sweetie.

Try it on. Thank you.

No, Ben, put it on.

No, you should try it on, otherwise you don't know if it's gonna fit.

Go for it. Manners never hurt anybody.

I was just gonna save it for a special occasion.

All right. Check that out.

Oh, yeah, that's nice.

Hey.

You're a vision in khaki.

It's gonna be a happy little family, just the three of us.

We are, aren't we?

Wow. He's our boy, Ben.

Oh, see, that's sweet.

Hey, hey, hey, Andie. It is good to see you, too, sweetie.

Got you. Got you, got you, got you.

He's just not potty-trained yet.

Whoa! Okay, well, he's a pisser.

Come here, little tinkle king. No, no, no.

Come here, tinkle king. He is a tinkle king.

My little tinkler. You tinkle, tinkle.

Well, congratulations, little plaid family.

You know, we got a whole bunch of work we gotta do, but we're still on for poker at your house, this week, yeah?

Oh, you can count on it. Boys night.

Well, it was nice meeting you and, of course, Krull.

Bye. Say bye, Krully.

Little soap and water will take that off.

He goes, "Woof, woof. " Yeah, thank you, buds.

Oh, come here.

Do you love him? Oh, I do.

Oh, look at Krull's necklace.

He's got more ice than Liberace, don't you?

Oh, it's just a little frosting.

Frosting? Frosting.

We were thinking bold, new, fresh.

Frost yourself.

Excuse me? Frost yourself.

The slogan for the campaign. You frost a cake.

We're in the middle of a meeting, Benjamin.

I'm talking about diamonds. They're frosting.

As in, "Whoa, would you check out her frosting. "

Frost yourself.

Frost yourself. How did you come up with it?

I got it off the woman who's falling madly in love with me.

It may have possibilities, but as far as the woman who's falling madly in love with you, I will decide that at the party.

If he can get her there. Now just think about it.

Ladies, frost yourself. Frost yourself.

We can introduce it at the party.

It should be the theme. Yes.

Everything frosted. All of it.

Martini glasses. Chandeliers.

Jewels everywhere. The women.

The whole party, a sparkling diamond. All of it frosted.

Women of New York, frost yourselves!

Hey, frost this! Well, I like it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I hear you.

You have 17 new messages.

Message one, received at 5:44. Sit down. Sit.

Hi, sweetie pea. It's me. Where are you?

I'm not home. Two, received at 5:47.

Benny, it's Andie. Guess you're not home.

Three, received at 5:48.

Benny bear, are you not answering your phone?

Yes, I am. Four, received at 5:49.

Hey, buddy. Game three tonight. Blondie's. Don't be late. I will kill you.

Who is it? It's me.

Five, received at 5:52. It's me.

What a surprise. I've been trying to get a hold of you.

Yeah? I did something kind of wacky.

Yeah? Yes.

I used Photoshop at work today to composite our faces together to see what our kids would look like.

"Our family album. "

You don't wanna see our children?

We don't have children.

I hate you.

You know what? I'm sorry. No, no, no. I didn't mean it like that.

All right? Show me, show me, show me, show me.

Please show me. "We don't have children!"

No, I thought you meant Krull. I just wanted...

Will you show them to me? You don't wanna see them.

I do. Please.

Please show them to me. I really do wanna see them.

Really?

Yeah. Okay.

Oh, that's our wedding.

And this is our first child, Benny Jr.

Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, there's us vacationing in Hawaii.

Little Andie's on my shoulders and Benjamin Jr. on yours.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

There's little Andie. Oh, there are the kids in Switzerland.

Yode-lodeling.

Our kids are really attractive.

Yeah?

Hey, Mom.

Yeah, I'm doing fine. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, she is. Just a second. It's for you.

Oh, great.

Hi, Glenda.

Why is my mom calling you? I just showed him.

Yeah. Well, he thinks our children will be very attractive.

Oh, no.

All right, you go back to cooking. Call me later.

Tomorrow. Yeah, great. Okay, Glenda. Love you, too. Bye.

Thanks, honey. Yeah.

So, you and my mom, you talk, huh?

Yeah, I called her to get some baby pictures of you for our book.

Hey, you never told me that you wore diapers till you were five.

You know what, honey, I gotta go to the...

Oh, no. Come on!

You think maybe he thinks the felt is grass?


Oh, man!

Oh, no, no, no! Man, come on!

Hey, Benny bear? Hey.

Do you have plans tonight? Tonight?

I have another surprise for you.

You know what? Not a good night for me.

I gotta work, of all things. Oh, no.

Yeah, yeah, I know. I got a Knicks game on.

I had a broccoli and asparagus casserole planned for you and me, right there, in front of the TV, and we're not gonna be able to do that either 'cause I gotta go into work.

That's too bad 'cause I had tickets for tonight.

Tickets? Tickets, great tickets.

Front-row seats, right in the action. I mean, you can smell sweat.

I guess I...

I don't really have to.

Why don't I call Tony, and he can come fill in for me, right?

Great. Oh, yeah! Thank you.

Honey, you're more than welcome. Yes!

Oh, look what time it is, huh?

This is a once-in-a-lifetime experience, and I'm gonna share it with you.

Reaches up, she brings it down.

It's the most powerful thing I've ever seen.

And after all this, he still didn't leave you?

I'm telling you, this calls for drastic measures.

Come on, guys. Concentrate.

Are you being clingy? Clingy, needy, whiny.

Baby talk?

Occasionally. I mean, I could kick that up a notch.

I used to obsess over Mike's old girlfriends.

Or better yet, talk about all your old boyfriends.

Good. It's good, it's good, but it's not gonna crack this guy.

I mean, this is DEFCON 5, and I have to do something truly appalling.

It's not funny!

Look, I have to think of something before tomorrow.

Wait, why not tonight?

Poker night. Boys' night out. Mike used to have a boys' night.

Boys' night? You're giving him a boys' night?

They do it every week. Before he met you.

What are you suggesting? I think you know what I'm suggesting.

Feel lucky, boys? Yeah.

You know, Ben. That's 2 bucks.

I'm feeling luckier than you

'cause I do not have to sit through a Celine Dion concert.

That is what true love is all about, my friend.

I fold.

I see your 2, raise you 50. She's in love with you?

Are you kidding me? She's planning the wedding.

Call. All right, guys, read them and weep.

Got ladies over fours. Huh?

Damn! I have a three and an ace.

It does not get any better than this.

Look at that. Bennykins, I'm home.

Hi, honey. Hey, Andie.

She has a key? Is that legal?

I wasn't expecting you.

How'd you get a key?

Oh, honey, Francesco, your super, he made me a copy.

Francesco, huh?

All right. You're not mad, are you, Benky-wenky?

No, I'm not mad. You're not mad?

No, no, no, no. I'm not mad.

Oh, good. You know the guys? Everybody.

Tony, Thayer, Francis. Oh, yes.

Watch out! Hey, hey, hey! No, no, no, no!

Tony. Hi, Tony.

Ronald. Hello.

Joe. Joe.

Hey. Andie...

I didn't mean to interrupt your little game.

We're all... I brought some yummy snacks.

Snacks? The game is hold 'em.

Three up for company, ante a dollar, please.

Tony! Yucky, yucky pizza. Yucky pizza. Oh, no!

Yummy, yummy cucumber sandwich.

First card up is a nine. Thanks.

I'll take one. Yeah. Sure, yeah.

Good boys. Good.

Here we go. Get rid of those over there. Thank you very much.

Three up. Three up. I went a buck. You follow?

Buck around the horn. See it.

Buck around the horn. Buck around the horn.

Thanks, Benny.

Thayer!

That means you, too, Thayer. Oh, yeah.

All right, everyone in for a buck. Next card five.

Nines and fives. Nines and fives. That's back to you, Tito.

Nine and a seven! Go for the straight!

Round two. Tone the Bone, you're up, man.

She told you my hand.

Peek-a-boo! Hi.

Hey.

Guys, you wanna play cards here? What's going on?

What game are we playing?

We're playing hold 'em.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right.

All right. I'm already maxed out. We got a nine up. Nine up, guys.

Nine up... Blow.

Blow. Nobody likes a Mr. Sniffles.

I hate Mr. Sniffles. Come on, stuffy head.

Good. We're good.

White. Healthy boy.

Good. Healthy.

Oh, no. Are we playing?

Oh, no.

Our love fern!

It's dead!

No, honey. It's just sleeping. You let it die!

You gonna let us die?

You should think about that.

What the hell's a love fern?

All right, guys. Let's try to get through one hand.

Is she on something?

God, I hope so.

Hi.

Are you saying I'm some kind of mental person?

Hey, hey. No, no, he wasn't...

Oh, Tony! What?

He was talking about...

That's it! Come on.

That is it! Andie.

I'm taking this love fern with me.

Hang on.

Hey.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.

What just happened in there?

I'm gonna go listen. Yeah.

Quietly.

Look, this is getting really creepy, all right?

You're acting completely insane. You know that?

So I am insane? No, you're acting insane.

Shut up, Krull.

He's an innocent animal! Yeah, yeah.

And he'll live, okay? I'm talking to you.

I don't know if I can be with somebody who doesn't like animals and thinks I'm a mental person.

That's what I'm talking about.

Where is the sexy, cool, fun, smart, beautiful Andie that I knew?

The one who wanted to be a serious journalist, huh?

You're up, you're down, you're here, you're there.

You're like a freaking one-woman circus, Andie.

So I guess this means we're over. Yeah, I guess so.

Fine. Fine!

Oh, finally.

It's over, men. Oh, man, that's...

No, no, no. It is, man. It's over.

Four more days. Guys, you were here.

Did you just witness the one-woman homage to The Exorcist?

You saw it! Huh? Yeah, I did. I thought it was sexy.

Yeah. It was not sexy.

He's right. Forget it. He's right.

So do you think Spears and Green are gonna be comfortable in their new office?

Oh, absolutely. No, no. Guys, stop.

Maybe he's excited that he's gonna be selling Nerf footballs for the rest of his life. Hey, hey, hey, hey!

He may get, like, a really good douche campaign.

Hey, it's done. All right? What? What? Couples therapy.

Of course! What?

Every time my wife wants to divorce me, I suggest couples therapy.

It'll buy you at least four days. It's true. She hates him.

Couples therapy. Couples therapy. Yeah, couples therapy.

Couples therapy! Couples therapy.

Couples therapy. Come on!

Couples therapy! Couples therapy! Couples therapy!

Therapy! Couples therapy!

Andie. Hold it, hold it, hold it.

Listen, can you forgive me, sugar puss? Look, I don't know what I was thinking.

All right? I'm sorry.

I am way out of line, Andie. Can you give me another chance?

Haven't you had enough?

Hey, look, I'm willing to do anything. Get up.

I'll do anything, Andie. Get up.

Look, what do you think about...

What do you think about couples therapy?

Couples therapy? Couples therapy.

Look, Thayer up there, he's got this doctor.

He says he's a hell of a guy.

No, I know a therapist who will work wonders with somebody like you, Benjamin. Yes. That's what I need.

I will call and schedule an emergency session.

Baby, whatever it takes. A kiss.

Thank you, sweetheart.

Thank you for understanding.

I love you, Benky, but I don't have to like you right now.

Thank you, Andie.

Damn it! Shit!

If you're really gonna commit to this, you're gonna have to open up.

Yeah. And dig deep.

Okay. Bare that beautiful soul.

Let me see your teeth.

Andie Anderson. Benjamin Barry.

Please come in. Hi. Welcome.

Before we get started, how are you planning on paying for the session?

Sweetie? How much is it?

$300. $300?

Whatever it takes. Yeah.

So, tell me, how long have you guys been seeing each other?

Seven days. Seven days. Interesting.

Is that too soon to be seeing a therapist?

Well, Ben, seven days isn't like a lifetime or anything.

It's like a week. It...

Did you hear that tone?

How can we not have a gulf between us with a tone like that?

How are things between you sexually?

We haven't had sex. Oh, no, Ben has a little-bitty problem.

I don't have a problem. Yes, you do.

No, I do not have a problem. Yeah. It's a big problem.

I do not have a problem. You have a problem.

Look, look, wait a minute. The one night that we even thought about getting close to having sex, all right, she up and decides she's gonna nickname my...

Penis. Yeah. Princess Sophia.

You want to talk about shooting a man's horse? Come on.

I thought it was a beautiful name. I see, Benjamin.

And when was it that you first realized that you were attracted to other men?

Oh, that's serious. What?

Benjamin, this is a safe space. Look, it's just simple.

I like women, okay? It just happened that way.

Methinks thou doth protesteth too much.

You see? Stop it. This is the shit I'm talking about.

What the hell was that? What did I do?

I mean, this is what she does. Stop that!

You know, I'm hearing a lot of latent anger here, Benjamin.

Rage-aholic. I'm not a rage-aholic.

I called that one. Stop!

You know what? Take a deep breath for me, Ben.

Okay, let it go. Just let it go.

Yeah. I feel better.

Okay.

Come here. I've seen this before, and I've seen it many times.

Yeah? Yeah.

Would you two like to be left alone? No.

Maybe you should get a room.

You are hitting on our shrink. No, I'm not.

Yes, you are, and you are a pathological flirt!

Jesus! Five seconds ago I'm gay. Now I'm a pathological flirt.

I sweat when I get nervous. Which one is it, Andie?

Besides, why would I need to hit on another woman?

You've got more than enough personalities to keep me completely occupied.

That was hurtful. Okay. Ben, are you ashamed of Andie?

Of course he is! I'm not ashamed.

Of course he is. You are. I'm not ashamed.

How do you think that makes me feel? I'm not ashamed of you.

It's like, when I talked to his mother, he freaked out.

No. You did that behind my back. She did it behind my back.

I just wanted to say hi. Andie, you wanna talk to my mother?

You wanna talk to my mother? Talk to my mother.

Hey, you wanna talk to the whole family, you can talk to the whole family.

Hell, we can go to Staten Island, spend the weekend with them, Andie.

Now that is a positive idea, Ben.

It is? How about it, Andie?

What? Would you like to go to Staten Island?


Uncle Ben! Hi!

Thanks. Yes, ma'am.

Hey, Mom, Pop, we're here. Yeah, bullshit!

Who's that handsome guy?

That's my dad when he was an ensign in the Navy.

He got stationed here about 10 years ago.

Bullshit!

Hey, darling, I'm glad to see you. Hey, sweetie, how you doing?

Good. Perfect timing. You know who this is?

I do, and I'll let you check the baby, see if he needs changing.

Hi, Andie. I'm so happy to have you here in the flesh.

You're just as pretty as you sound on the telephone.

Glenda! I'm coming! Jesus, Mary and Joseph.

Excuse me. Show her upstairs, okay? Oh, yeah.

And this is Joey Jr. Bullshit!

And the whole family suffers from Tourette's.

I hope that's not a problem.

And Joey, here... You're so handsome!

...suffers from being a stinky rose.

We're gonna get you cleaned up. So go out back. Have a good time.

Okay.

Got you! Okay!

You're it! He got you.

Uncle Arnold says he's got three kings. Yeah, right.

Okay, Uncle Arnold, now, dare I say it or not? I'm gonna just say it.

Okay, I'm gonna say it. Bullshit!

Hi. Honey.

Oh, wow. Andie!

Well, well, well. Come on out here, Andie.

Meet everybody. Okay.

I want you to meet Ben's father. Well, hello!

Jack, this is Andie, Jack. Welcome to our humble abode.

This is our Uncle Arnold. Hi, Uncle Arnold.

This is Andie. You gotta watch him.

He farts like a howitzer, but he's family, so what are you gonna do?

Intestinal complications.

Yeah, right, Arnold. Prunes!

Did you meet Joey?

A female Andie. I-E.

Nice to meet you. Welcome.

Okay. Here we go now. The game is Bullshit, and you are just in time for the lightning round, my dear.

I don't really know how to play.

Well, we're gonna teach you. It's very simple.

The trick is to get rid of all the cards in your hand, all right?

So I'm gonna look at my hand I'm gonna see what I've got, here.

And well, you know, I've got two aces here.

Well, two aces. What do you say to that?

What are you gonna say?

I say bullshit. What did she say? I didn't quite hear.

Did you guys? I didn't hear what she said.

I said bullshit! All right!

She knows how to play the game! Yes, sir!

Is that big daddy? Come to Papa.

Get on over there, big man. Slick as a whistle.

How you doing, Unc? Not bad.

Pop. Hey, how you doing, buddy?

Got a game of Bullshit going here? You want to join us?

Good luck. The expert here.

Okay, now, we went through the deck. We're gonna start at the beginning now.

So we go to twos. Let's see. I got myself one deuce here.

Bullshit.

Bullshit, Pop. He's a human lie detector, isn't he?

Try this, son. Two threes.

One four. Three fives.

Bullshit.

You see whose name's on the top of the board over there?

Yes. It says Ben, with a star next to it.

You still wanna bullshit me? God, you must be so proud.

I'm doing my best. What do we got?

Did I... No, I told the truth. Three fives.

All right, all right. He's good. He's the champ.

What am I? Sixes to you.

One six. One six. All right.

Look what I got here. I got myself two sevens.

You see, the key to this game is being able to read people.

Two eights. Bullshit.

Bullshit, Mama.

I'm gonna have to hurt you.

You see, Mom's never been that great at it, but why?

Just 'cause I'm so pure of heart. So pure of heart.

Bullshit.

Hello? Hello, where is everybody? Hey!

This is Andie. Andie, this is my sister, Dora.

Hi. Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you.

Andie is kicking Ben's ass in Bullshit.

I like this girl. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's right. Ben's starting a little card collection.

All right. Let me get back on track here. Gentle Ben starts with three ladies.

That's to you. What do you got to say about that?

Bullshit.

You heard me. I said bullshit.

What is that, seven in a row, Sparky?

I think somebody's met his match.

Well, it's all about reading people.

Loser. Okay. Two kings.

Bullshit?

Bullshit!

What's all that? Yeah, you!

I'm your daddy, now. You have met your match!

And you, Mom, Miss Pure of Heart. Pop, we'll talk later.

You're hiding behind a badge. Cheated. Betrayed by my own parents.

The only honest man in this place is Uncle Arnold, who's asleep.

But I won! I'm gonna go inside and play with the kids. Maybe they won't lie, cheat and steal.

Okay, keep my name at the top of the board.

Now, Andie, I hope you know that we expect you to come back here because you have held Ben to his lowest Bullshit score since his tonsillectomy... Yeah, yeah, yeah.

... and we are thrilled! Lowest!

Why, were all his other girlfriends Bullshit losers?

What other girlfriends? Ma, he's picky.

You are the first girl he's ever brought home.

Don't you break his heart, now.

And that dress! Andie! Now, does that come in my size?


My turn? Yes, ma'am.

It's heavy. Turn it on. Good.

Keep the clutch in. That's the clutch?

Brake here on your right. Your gears are on the left.

One down. Okay.

Now, when you take off, you're gonna give a little bit on the clutch, and then you're gonna go a little bit here. A little give, a little go.

How's it go? A little give and a little go?

Yeah.

Clutch! Clutch and a little brake. There we are.

You got it? I got it. I got it.

You got it. Voilà, voilà, voilà!

I mean, there's a lot of cool things about a bike, you know.

Use less gas, no traffic jam, you can park wherever the hell you want.

At the end of the day... Thank you.

...chicks dig them.

You look so cute. Let me ask you a question.

Chicks dig this? Yes, chicks dig this.

I turned! Who's driving like a pro?

Yeah, look at you!

Look at this look.

Right. Now, this shower, it's a little bit tricky.

The hot is actually cold, the cold is actually hot.

You gotta crank it all the way up at first, and if somebody flushes the toilet in Bayonne, you are gonna get scalded.

Towels are right there.

Everything all right? Is this okay?

Oh, no. It's more than okay.

I love everything about this house. The noise, the smells.

Oh. Well, the smells, that's Uncle Arnold. I mean...

What's wrong?

It's just that when your mama hugged me today, she really hugged me

for winning a game of Bullshit.

Sweetie, that's a good thing.

Smile.

Smile. Now, come on, give me a smile.

Okay, that's good. That's it. You're scaring me.


This is home, huh? This is home.

Hey, listen, tomorrow night my boss is throwing a party for that diamond account I was telling you about.

I want you to come with me.

Okay. Okay?

Yeah.

As my girlfriend.

Are you calling me your girlfriend? Yeah. I think I am.

Won't tomorrow be the tenth day we've been seeing each other?

Maybe after that we'll know.

Listen, don't make any plans for day 13, okay?

'Cause we have a game to go to.

They're not as good as seats as you got us, but this is game seven.

Yes?

Oh, come here.


Okay. Yes?

Lana, I can't write this article.

Is your computer broken? I've gotten to know this guy.

Andie, do you see any patches or insignia anywhere on my clothing?

No.

It's because I'm not your Girl Scout leader, I'm your boss.

You'll write the article.

This cover is at the printer as we speak, with a special section on diamonds, which is going to take care of my ad quota for the entire year.

I want copy on my desk in 48 hours.

Okay, but Lana... No "but Lana," you'll do it.

Because you're a professional.

Yes, I am.


You're beautiful.

You look pretty good, too, Sparky.

Champagne, madame? Thank you.

Chalk one up to couples therapy.

Some party.

You're gonna do great.

I'm gonna go to the bar and get us a couple drinks.

Oh, good idea. Okay?

And while I do that, would you please head over there and frost yourself?

I can wear those? Yes, ma'am, you can.

Phillip! Lana!

I don't see you at a party for ages.

Now, here you are, throwing the bash of the year.

I'm glad you could make it.

Like them? It suits you.

I know!

Harry Winston.

How did you get all these jewelers to agree to appear at the same fête?

At the request of Mrs. DeLauer. Really?

You see, Mr. DeLauer controls 70% of the world's diamonds, and Mrs. DeLauer controls Mr. DeLauer.

You're bad. Enjoy.

Lana!

And this is real? Oh, no, no, no, no.

I insist.

Yes, sir. Such beauty should be celebrated.

Isadora. Oh, no. I'm Andie.

And a pleasure to meet you, Andie, but this is Isadora.

Turn.

Eighty-four karats, named for Isadora Duncan.

Congratulations. You got her here. Yup.

But the question remains. Does she or doesn't she?

We're gonna find out.

An angel of God. Thanks.

I am Frederic. Andie Anderson.

Well, it looks like you've got some competition, anyway.

Miss Anderson will be wearing Isadora for the evening.

Enjoy the party, Andie. Merci beaucoup.

Oh, that's stunning! Fabulous!

Excuse me. Two champagnes, please, sir.

Pardon me, young man.

Would you be kind enough to order me a whiskey sour?

Yes, ma'am, I can.

Mrs. DeLauer? Yes.

I'm Ben Barry with Warren Advertising. How do you do?

The pleasure is mine. It's nice to finally meet you.

I'm very happy to meet you, too. That's for sure.

Can I get a whiskey sour, please?

I can promise you that our presentation will not weary you in the wrong way, Mrs. DeLauer.

I cannot wait to see what you present, Benjamin.

Ladies, do you see what I see?

Oh, Phillip, that's ridiculous. She couldn't possibly.

Don't be so sure.

She might possibly.

I think I'll go find out.

Excuse me. You're Andie, yes? Yes.

I'm Phillip Warren.

Oh, you're Ben's boss. That's right.

Hi. Pleasure to meet you. Pleasure to meet you.

I understand you've been an inspiration to Ben in more ways than one.

And I must say, you look rather inspired yourself.

There isn't a diamond in the room that sparkles like a woman in love.

Oh, no, no.

I'm not in love. No? I guess I was mistaken.

No, no, no. I mean, I just...

I mean, I've only known him for 10 days. I...

You can't... I can't be...

Ben is a very lucky man.

Excuse me. Yeah.

Mr. Warren, please don't tell him. Please don't tell him!

Ben, Ben. Hey, hello, gentlemen.

Yeah? She loves you, she loves you not?

What is it? I don't know. We'll see.

Ben!

Mr. Warren. Saw her, met her, she loves you.

You win. Get ready to pitch.

All right! Yes! Yes!

Congratulations, point man. I'm very proud.

So, you're the new point man on the DeLauers?

She loves me. Good for you.

And good for whoever she is.

Thank you so much. You're so very welcome.

Gloating, are we? Yeah. Pretty much.

Warren told us so... Yeah.

You don't mess with my man, Ben.

Your man Ben is a cheater.

The girl has known about the bet from the beginning.

She was playing along so Ben would win.

Tell him to enjoy his short-lived, ill-gotten victory.

We're going to talk to Warren.

No.

Hey. Remember us?

Hi! Hi.

You know, Warren is gonna come over here in a minute, and it would be so great if you could just, you know, like, act like you don't know anything about the bet.

I mean, if you could tell him that you really, truly love Ben, you know, and you weren't just, you know, pretending so he would win, that would be huge.

So what's the average Composure reader like?

Spunky, insatiable. Uppity, you bet.

If you'll excuse me, Lana, there's a beautiful young woman in a yellow dress that I must go to.

Andie! She's my how-to girl.

How-to? Yes.

Right now she's doing an article called How To Lose a Guy in 10 Days.

Look him straight in the eye... Yeah, and just...

You love Ben, and you never heard anything about any bet.

Yeah. Love, no bet. I understand.

Awesome. That's great. Thank you. You look beautiful.

This poor schmuck she's been pretending to date, well, not even pretending to date, she's actually dating the guy.

She's doing the most atrocious things to him.

She's actually named his...

She's named his...

You're Krull.

Ladies and gentlemen, may I ask you all kindly to be seated.

Now that we're all suitably frosted... Benjamin, where have you been?

We haven't much time to play. ... and the ladies do look lovely, please help me give a warm welcome to our special guests of the evening, Mr. and Mrs. Frederic DeLauer!

And now I want to introduce a true musical legend, who will perform some of his Oscar, Grammy, Tony and Emmy award-winning songs.

Mr. Marvin Hamlisch.

Marvin!

Thank you very much. I really do...

Well, yes! Give another hand for... Marvin Hamlisch is in the house!

A lot of you out here don't know Benjamin Barry.

Well, shame on you.

'Cause he is a very talented advertising executive and knowledgeable sports fan and a wagering enthusiast.

But, most impressively, he is one hell of a singer, and he has prepared a little musical snack for his new special friend Mrs. DeLauer.

Oh, isn't that wonderful?

So, Ben, why don't you come up here and sing your song?

Come on, Ben!

Ladies and gentlemen, Benjamin Barry!

Come on, Ben.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Andie, Andie, whoa, whoa, don't run off. Don't run off!

Ladies and gentlemen, you do not want this young lady to leave the room.

Thayer, Tony, would you stop her, please?

You see, tonight, the really special event is that we will be singing, her and I, a duet.

Yes! Miss Andie Anderson!

Would you please give her a warm round of applause! Thank you!

Andie! Andie Anderson.

Knock them out.

Let's see what our song tonight will be. Maybe one of her personal favorites.

Marvin, do you know You're So Vain?

That's not one of my songs.

Can you work with me, Marvin? Yeah?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah You walked into the party Like you were walking onto a yacht You had your hat pulled down real strategically over one eye You had a scarf I think it was apricot Strategically tipped below one eye. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You had one eye in the mirror As you make sure you got a real cool...

Gavotte. Gavotte? Yeah.

And all the girls think that they'd be your partner They'd be his partner 'cause He's so vain You probably think this song is about you Ben Barry, you're so vain You probably think this song is about you Don't you? Don't you?

Tone-deaf and drunk is not a good combination.

You fooled me to win a bet and you should feel ashamed Look, you took me to a goddamn Celine Dion concert You made me miss the big game!

Oh, smart guy's a rhymer Well, do we want everybody to know your lovemaking is lame?

Maybe 'cause you named my penis Yeah, you named my penis You named my penis after a dame!

I really think you have to get over that.

Come on. You're so vain! No, you're so vain!

This is the worst thing I've ever heard.

You know that this song's about you, don't you?

No! Because you're so vain! So vain! You're so vain!

Yeah, you do know the words so well, don't you?

There she goes, ladies and gentlemen. There she goes.

Thanks, guys. Take it from here, Marvin.

Wasn't she wearing the Isadora diamond?

Isadora! Mon dieu! Security!

No, no, no, no.

Hold on, Andie Anderson. I'm not done with you.

You used me to get ahead in your work...

I used you? ... you arrogant, backstabbing jerk!

Hold it! Lady, hold it! Come on, Andie.

All right, you drove me half insane for a goddamn magazine article.

Oh, yeah, and you told people you could make any girl fall in love with you, and I, I was exhibit A. Ma'am?

Time out!

What? What?

Look, please, just give me the necklace.

Then you guys can go on and kill each other.

So that's what I was, huh? I was a guinea pig.

Somebody you could test your theories on?

Yeah, and I was just a girl somebody picked out in a bar.

Yeah, you know what? Big deal.

Hell, I'm sure now you can even use it as a little twist in your story.

That's a good idea. Maybe we should bet on it.

You know what? You did your job now, Andie.

Yes, I did. You wanted to lose a guy in 10 days.

Congratulations. You did it. You just lost him.

No, I didn't, Ben.

'Cause you can't lose something you never had.


Well, it's not what I expected.

It's better.

Congratulations.

This shows me you're ready to be unleashed.

From now on, feel free to write about anything.

Anything?

Wherever the wind blows you.

Even politics? The wind's not going to blow you there.

What about religion, poverty, economics?

This wind is really more of a light breeze.

What can I write about, Lana? Whatever you want.

Shoes, laser therapy, dressing for your body type.

Use your imagination. The sky is the limit.

Thank you for this opportunity, Lana. Okay.

And thank you for making it easy for me to turn down.

No, I mean, look, it's not something I'm proud of.

Obviously, if I could do it over again, I'd do some things differently, you know.

I tell you, it's good to talk to you, though, man. It really is.

I know it. You are the only one that knows us both.

Yeah.

You wanna go?

You wanna go to the game?

Well, go ahead, 'cause I'm not going.

Seventh and final game, in what has been a classic series...

Sweetie, I wouldn't have gone either.

I mean, I would have liked to have gone, but you probably wouldn't let me.

You're doing the right thing.

Oh, sweetie.

There's the Chinese.

I'm coming!

Okay, so that's gonna... Michelle.

Andie, that wasn't the Chinese. It's Mike.

Mike! Yeah. What do I do? What do I do?

Talk to him.

Okay, okay.

Okay.

Mike?

Mike!

Hi. Hi.

So, what are you doing here?

I don't know, exactly.

It was last night, I was...

I was just lying there and trying to sleep.

And you know that perfume you sprayed on my pillow?

Oh, yeah. Well, that smell is gone now.

And, Michelle, I want it back.

I don't know if you can have it back.

Right.

Yeah.

Okay.

But I'm willing to consider it.

Okay. Yeah.

These are for you. Thank you.

Hi. Hi.

Oh, my God!

We could... I remember where you live.

Who needs men?

Ladies, frost yourselves.

And cut it! Very nice!

Okay, let's go. One more. Right away, people.

We'll keep working on it. Tim, can I see playback?

Open me, Ben.

Please, break my binding. Please! Jesus, get that out of here, man.

You might want to read this. No, thanks.

Okay.

"I've lost a guy and I don't know why.

"What went wrong?

"When I started writing this month's column, "I wanted to commit those certain, silly dating faux pas.

"What I didn't realize

"was that I was making the biggest mistake of all. "

Here. Trust me.

Read it.

Come on set.

Andie Anderson.

Excuse me, ma'am. Holy crap!

Where's Andie Anderson? She's not here.

Where is she? She quit.

She's got an interview in Washington.

When's she leaving? Today.

When? Well, like, now.

You're not a therapist, are you? Oh, no.

Good job, though.

You owe me 300 bucks.

Andie!


Andie!

Ben! Pull over, we need to talk!

Are you trying to get yourself killed?

If that's what it takes, yeah! Now pull over the cab!

Sir? Excuse me, sir. Could you please pull the car over?

We're in the middle of a bridge, lady. I can't pull the car over here.

Okay, well, then do you have an ashtray or something I can throw up in?

Hey, lady!

Watch it, broad!

What the hell was that? Is this true?

Ben, please.

Is this true or are you just trying to sell magazines?

I meant every word.

Well, where are you going?

I have an interview. Yeah, in Washington. I know.

Where are you going?

Ben it's the only place I can go and write what I want to write.

No, I'm not buying that.

You can write anywhere.

I think you're running away.

Why don't you save your mind games for your next bet, okay?

I am not running away.

Bullshit.

Excuse me?

You heard me.

Bullshit.

Hey, lady, what do you wanna do?

Take the lady's luggage back to her place.

She has alternate transportation.

You calling my bluff?

You bet I am.

Look who made the trip with me. It's our love fern!

Oh, Benny Boo-Boo Boo-Boo-Boo!