How to Marry a Millionaire (1953) Script

New York, New York You high and mighty, bright and shiny fabulous place, New York New York, New York You busy, dizzy, razzle-dazzle scandalous place, New York Guys with easy money tryin' to blow it Dolls with hidden talent dyin' to show it Take off for Broadway by taxi, by subway And land on the town A merry-go-round New York, New York Where millionaires and Cinderellas rendezvous at the Stork In Central Park romantic babies and their fellas rendezvous in the dark Crazy city with its hat on the steeple Noisy city with its millions of people Doorway to glory and fortune and fame You'll never get your fill of it never forget the thrill of it Glorious, glamorous wonderland New York

Oh, is Mr. Benton here yet, the agent for the apartments?

Oh, yes. He's in there waiting for you now.

Thank you.

Oh, good morning, Mrs. Page.

I do hope I haven't kept you waiting too long.

Not in the least. I'm afraid I have a little disappointment for you, though.

You won't be able to meet Mr. Denmark. He flew to Europe this morning.

Oh, dear, I am disappointed. Wasn't that awfully sudden?

Oh, very. You know how those income tax people are when you skip a whole year.

And the result, of course, is that a longer lease is now possible.

Open, if you don't mind.

Oh, oh, certainly. Certainly.

How long a lease? Not that it matters if he's to insist on a thousand a month.

That's what I wanted to see him about, personally.

Oh, he won't be needing the place for years now.

I hear Mr. Whiskers really blew his top this time.

You mean he can't come back to this country?

It would be I understand the very height of folly.

Oh, I see. Well, it throws an entirely different light.

Where's that lease?

Well, I'm afraid I haven't got it with me.

Oh, never mind. You can mail it to me.

This is for two months, the first and the last.

That's the deal, isn't it? That's correct.

How soon would you like to take possession?

Oh, anything wrong with right now?

Nothing at all. It's a little unusual, of course, but...

Thank you so much, Mr. Benton. You've been awfully kind.

Oh, thank you, Mrs. Page.

It's a genuine pleasure to do business with a woman of such decision.

We in the real estate game... Bye now.

Oh, yes, of course. Well.

Oh, I almost forgot. How long shall I make the lease for?

Oh, a year will be quite enough. Thank you.

But don't you think you oughta have it...

Yes? Bingo.

I'll be right over.

To the left. Thanks.

All right, put 'em on. No men here yet.

You certainly got here in a hurry. Did you take a taxi?

No, I didn't have enough money for a taxi I had the Chrysler people demonstrate that new showboat for me again.

The one with the gold trim? Was it gold?

I didn't want to put on my specs with the driver there, you know.

The one they sent for me had gold trim.

Brother!

Smooth, huh?

Creamy. Are we really in?

Built in. I'll call Loco.

Loco who?

You know, that girl I was telling you about from Jersey.

You didn't tell me her name was "Loco."

It isn't. That's what the other models call her. It means crazy, you know?

That's what I know.

- Hello? Bingo!

Hold that for a minute. Just a minute, Loke.

I can't shack up with a dame I haven't even met, and she's crazy too.

You don't have to. All I'm going to ask her is to come up here.

If you don't like her, that's the end of it.

Is she class? Is she. Didn't I tell you?

She's been on the cover of Harper's Bazaar three times already.

And she knows how to handle it?

Well, let's see if she does. Loke? - Yes?

How much money you got? - I've got a quarter.

That's wonderful. Stop in on your way up here and pick up lunch for us.

- How many? Three.

Okay. Just as soon as I get something on.

There's a fine contribution to a million dollar proposition, one whole quarter.

Maybe, but she's awful clever with a quarter.

I just don't know how I'll ever be able to thank you enough.

I'm still so embarrassed.

You have no reason to be. Anybody can forget their money. I've done it myself.

I know, but... Oh, hi, honey.

Come on in. Come in.

This is a gentleman I met at the cold cuts counter.

What did you say your name was? Tom Brookman.

B-R-O-O-K-M-A-N. Brookman.

Well, this is my friend, Miss Pola Debevoise.

How do you do? Oh, and this is Miss Page, isn't it?

Mrs. Page. How do you do? It was very funny.

I was ordering some pastrami and potato salad, and I heard Miss Dempsey explaining she only had a quarter...

You can just set that down. We'll take it from here.

Oh, wouldn't you like me to put them in the kitchen?

No, I don't think you'd better. The cook's not dressed.

Oh, really? Thank you very much.

Some other day. Give us a ring next week.

I don't know your number. That's all right. It's in the book.

Thank you very much, Mr. Brookman.

But I don't know your first name. He was really very nice.

I thought he might have lunch with us.

Look, the first rule of this proposition is that gentleman callers have got to wear a necktie.

I don't want to be snobbish, but if we begin with characters like that, we might just as well throw in the towel right now

Thanks, Mick. Keep the change.

How do, Mr. Brookman? Hiya, Pete.

The next thing to remember is a gentleman you meet among cold cuts is simply not as attractive as one that you meet, say in the mink department at Bergdorf's.

But he was cute, don't you think?

Sure he was, but then I never met one of those gas pump jockeys that wasn't.

Is that what he is? You bet your life.

I know those guys. I married one once. Very, very cute fellow.

I didn't know you were really married. Just got back from Reno.

Oh, then you must be loaded.

Mine was one of those divorces you don't read about. The wife finished second.

But that's against the law, isn't it?

I was absolutely nuts about that guy, and you know what he did to me?

First off, he gives me a phony name.

Second, it turns out he was already married yet.

Third, from the minute the preacher said, "Amen," he never did another tap of work.

The next thing I knew he'd stolen my television set and given it to a carhop.

When I ask him how about that, he hits me with a chicken.

A live chicken? No, a baked chicken, stuffed.

He sounds incompatible to me.

Last I saw of him, I stepped out of the car for a minute at a gas station.

I had to walk home.

Well, I'm surprised you'd ever want to get married again.

Oh, but that's the point about this whole setup.

Of course I want to get married again.

Who doesn't?

It's the biggest thing you can do in life.

The way most people go about it, they use more brains picking a horse in the third at Belmont than they do picking a husband.

Do they really? It's your head you've got to use, not your heart. Oh, I see.

Tell her your idea about this apartment.

Well, to put it simply, the idea is this.

If you had your choice of everybody in the world, which would you rather marry, a rich guy or a poor one?

I think I'd rather marry a rich one.

All right. Where would you be most likely to meet a rich one, in a walk-up on Amsterdam Avenue or in a joint like this?

Well...

I should say in a joint like this.

Okay, then, that's it. We're all working steady, so we throw everything we make into the kitty, and get a little organization into this marriage caper.

Class address, class background, class characters.

To be specific about it, nothing under six figures a year.

I've never heard anything so intelligent in my life.

If you want to catch a mouse, you set a mousetrap.

So, all right, we set a bear trap.

All we've got to do is one of us has got to knock off a bear.

You mean marry him? If you don't marry him, you haven't caught him, he's caught you.

All my life, ever since I was a little girl, I've had the same dream, to marry a zillionaire.

Do you know who I'd like to marry?

Who? Rockefeller.

Which one? I don't care.

I wouldn't mind marrying a Vanderbilt.

Or a Mr. Cadillac.

No such person. I checked.

Is there a Mr. Texaco?

No. But how about one of those rich maharajas?

How about three of them?

Wouldn't it be wonderful if we had three of them for dinner and they married us?

Think of all those diamonds and rubies.

And all those crazy elephants.

This is really living it up, isn't it?

People that live any other way are just crazy.

I wonder who's going to pay for it.

Yeah, how about that? Well, I'll tell you.

I knew it couldn't last.

Relax, will you? And somebody break open that other bottle.

Good afternoon. I'm Mr. Bennett of the Bennett Music Company.

Are you the lady... That's right. Come right in.

Thank you.

The reason I called you is, what will you give me for this piano, cash?

Well, it's a very handsome instrument.

Really, Pola, I think she's the most intelligent person I guess I ever met.

Well, it's not in first-class condition, you understand, but we might be interested in paying you, say 2,500?

We'll take it.

Well, kids, where will we eat tonight, the Stork or 21?

Hello?

Is this Trafalgar 7-5098?

- Yes? Who's this, Miss Page?

- Yes, who is this? This is Tom Brookman.

Oh. You remember me.

Oh, sure, but... Well, I kept thinking about you, but I didn't realize who you were till I picked up an old magazine this morning.

- What do you mean? You were Miss Steinbach Beer last year.

Why, yes, I believe I was.

And isn't that you jumping around in a girdle in all those ads in magazines?

I wouldn't exactly call it "jumping around." I'm supposed to be dancing.

Reason I called, I was wondering if you wouldn't have dinner with me some night.

Whatever night you say. What about tonight?

I'm afraid I can't tonight. - Tomorrow night?

- I'm sorry. What about Thursday night?

Mr. Brookman, you're wasting your time on this number. Don't call it again.

Hey, kid!

Pola? Yes?

Do you think we'll ever be able to get this job off the ground?

What do you mean? Here we are nearly three months, and we can't even get ourselves engaged, much less married.

I could have got engaged last week. To?

That English fellow. What English fellow?

You know, that tall one that borrowed five dollars from me.

That's what I mean. Here we are set up strictly for the carriage train, and what do we get, you hook a schnook who takes you for a fin, I get an invitation to Hamburger Heaven for dinner, and Loco shows up every evening with a gentleman she's met in the drugstore, with five more shower caps and three quarts of aspirin tablets.

And where do you think that's gonna get us?

I don't think it's us. I think it's the men these days.

They're getting more and more nervous, especially the loaded ones.

Meanwhile, where are we gonna sit next week?

Well, we're both trying, you know.

It isn't always easy to find out right away how much they're worth or if they're married or not.

They look at you like you're prying into their private affairs.

Something's got to break soon, or we're gonna be out on the sidewalk.

And all we need, you know, is just one.

That's the beautiful thing about a bear trap.

You don't have to catch a whole herd of them, all you need is one nice, big, fat one.

Probably Miss Perth Amboy again with another load of dollar-day Kleenex.

Thanks.

Oh, hello, Schatze. Hello.

This is... I'm sorry. What did you say your name was?

Hanley. J.D. Hanley. Of course.

This is Schatze Page, and this is Pola Debevoise.

How do you do? How do you do, ladies?

I met Mr. Hanley in the mink department at Bergdorf's.

Really? Yes, the clerk was nice enough to...

You'll have to excuse the state of this apartment.

We've just sent everything out to be cleaned.

But if you don't mind coming into the dining room.

Oh, of course not.

And with the maid off today, we're roughing it, you might say.

Won't you sit down? Oh, thank you very much, but I can't stay.

I just came along to help Miss Dempsey with her bundle.

Mr. Hanley's from Dallas, Texas.

Oh, really? In the oil business?

Oh, a little oil, but mostly stock.

Stocks and bonds? No, none of that sort of thing for me.

My stock is white-faced Hereford, polled.

Come again? Cattle.

You know, like cows. Oh, I see.

Are you sure you won't sit down for just a little while?

Oh, I haven't time right now. But what I was talking to Miss Dempsey about, there's a little organization that I'm a member of, the Oil Institute.

Kind of elder statesmen of the business.

We're having a little informal reception tonight.

If you young ladies would honor us with your presence, I'm sure you'd make us all very happy, indeed.

Do you mean nothing but oil men?

Well, not exactly. Probably a few bankers too.

Well, bankers will be all right.

Don't you think? Naturally.

I realize this is a little sudden and unconventional, but there will be dancing and a few drinks and a few laughs perhaps.

Sounds just creamy to me. I like laughs.

Well, then it's a deal? I'd love it.

That's wonderful. I'll pick you up around 8:30, if that's all right.

Will we meet some of the other gentlemen too?

Oh, all of them. And don't worry, they're not all old crooks like me.

What on earth! Stop it!

You look just in the prime to me.

Thank you, ladies. You've already made my trip to New York worthwhile.

Bye now.

I think this is it, kids.

A great big room full of nothing but rich millionaires and us.

This brings us down to 1947.

I think it's a very good idea. Where should we go?

Well, there's a new place...

Good evening, madame. Good evening, sir.

Table for two. Certainly, sir.

This way, madame.

Champagne? We might as well.

Oh, a table for two, Philip.

Certainly, madame. Will you come this way?

The best, you know. Certainly, sir.

The best we have, sir.

A quart of champagne. What kind, sir?

The best you've got. Very good, sir.

Good evening. Good evening. Two, please.

This way, please.

This way, my dear. I'm so sorry.

Oh, I am sorry.

Did you say you were alone here?

Oh, there's quite a party of us up from Texas.

All men? Oh, some wives too.

You met some of them this evening. The others went to a show.

You know how the women are when they get to New York.

I know.

I think Ella has seen five shows in the last three days.

I see. Ella's my daughter.

Oh, really? Mm.

Is Mrs. Merrill here with you?

There is no Mrs. Merrill, and I live in New York.

Does that clear the situation a bit for you?

Oh, yes, indeedy, it does.

Are you married?

Married? I sometimes think I'm the most married man in the U.S.A.

Do you know how many females were at my house when I left there tonight?

No. I can't say that I do.

Seven, my wife, her sister, who's divorced.

And I don't blame the guy for a second.

Their mother, who must be 110 if she's a day.

An aunt from North Attleboro, Massachusetts.

And three more whose names I didn't even catch.

To tell the truth, I...

I never really felt the loneliness of being a widower until the past few years.

At first, there were children, you know, to keep me company.

But they're grown up now. My son's married. Ella's engaged.

I must confess the house is beginning to seem pretty big and empty.

I can imagine.

I suppose that's why I've done so much travelling lately.

London, south of France, Scotland and so on.

That's really no good, you know.

Oh, no, I know. No good at all.

Couple of years ago, I chartered a boat.

Not large, but quite comfortable.

Took about six months, just loafing around the world.

But it was no use.

I suppose there's really only one cure for loneliness.

Yes? Human companionship.

Oh, but you're so right. You just don't know how right you are.

I'm not accustomed really to going out publicly with a married man.

And if I'd had a chance to ask you at the party, I don't know that I would have accompanied you here.

Well, this is all quite innocent, isn't it?

If it is, it's the first time I ever ran into it under similar circumstances.

Of course, my first impulse was to go directly to Arabia myself and take a good look-see at the situation.

I was certain those chaps from Socony Standard of New Jersey... would have somebody on the spot.

After all, there's quite a tidy little sum involved, two or three hundred million.

I wasn't going to take any chances. Well, naturally.

Trouble is it looks like I've got a thing for guys who work in gas stations.

I never met one yet that didn't send me.

This one handled a pump for Standard Oil.

You don't own that, do you?

Oh, no, no. Standard Oil is one of the interests of a man named, I believe, Rockefeller.

Is he a friend of yours?

No, no, I'm afraid not.

Oh, well. But as I was saying...

When you live in a lunatic asylum like that, you've got to get out of town every now and then.

You know what I mean? Perfectly.

I've got that all fixed now. I've got me a lodge up in Maine.

I love lodges.

You do? Simply adore them.

You mean... you'd like to see mine?

Oh, well, I was speaking more figuratively than relatively.

Because if you would, I'm going up there Friday afternoon.

Simply adore 'em!

If you wanna know what kind of a guy I've got...

All I can say is I'm a very happy woman.

Not only is Mr. Hanley a perfect doll, but he's absolutely unaffiliated.

You don't think he's a little old? Grow up, will you?

Men with that much dough are never a little old.

Mine's loaded too, but he's a real yawn.

He doesn't look single to me either. He's not.

What are you wasting time on him for? What else have I got?

Unless you'd like me to lose him and join you and your friend.

You do, and I'll break your neck in front of this restaurant.

Besides, he's invited me to a party. Oh, yeah? When?

We're leaving Friday afternoon.

Leaving for where? His lodge in Maine.

You out of your mind? I don't think so. I like lodges.

You can't go. It's a violation of the whole idea.

Why is it? I could meet somebody else up there, couldn't I?

Who are you going to meet in Maine, Eskimos?

Did you see this fellow I'm with?

I saw him. What's he look like?

Very nice for a one-eyed man. Is that all he's got?

What do you think he's got that patch on for?

I didn't know it was a patch. I thought somebody might have belted him.

Why can't you keep those cheaters on long enough to see who you're with?

I'm not going to take a chance like that.

You know what they say about girls who wear glasses.

Maybe somebody shot him in the eye.

He sounds just wonderful. I was curious to know what he looked like.

Who is he? I don't know that either.

But he hasn't mentioned anything under a million dollars yet.

My guy's real class. Never mentions his wealth, just refers to it.

All Mr. Brewster talks about is what a horrible family he's got.

But I'll say this for him, we haven't ordered anything yet under five dollars a portion.

If there's anything leftover, tell the waiter you want it for the dog.

We'd better be getting back before they cool off.

Where's Maine, anyway?


I'll take that and that and that and that.

And that and that.

And that and that and that and that.

And charge it. Certainly, Mrs. Hanley.

Next stop Arabia, sir.


Is he kidding? Not at all.

It's an old custom of the East to make the stranger feel welcome.

You can tell him from me I think he's simply a doll, and I couldn't be crazier about these old Eastern customs.


Hello, Fashion House? Is Mr. Antoine in for Mr. Brookman?

Thank you.

Mr. Antoine?

On the phone.

Tony? Hiya, boy. - Yes?

- How are you? Fine, fine.

How are you fixed for stuff for Florida, beach stuff and all that?

You mean ultra? I got an aunt I want to get stuff for.

How old is she? About 25. A very young type aunt.

- I'm sure I could accommodate you. Could I see it on them?

Today? That's right. That's the idea.

Tony, you know a model named Schatze?

Who? Schatze.

- Oh, Mrs. Page. That's the one.

Oh, nice joint you got here, Tony. Thank you, sir.

Please sit here. If you'll excuse me.

Your aunt, is she blond or brunette?

It depends entirely on the weather.

The way I'm going to handle it, I'm not going to stall with Mr. Hanley.

What are you going to do, mother him?

No, that's all right for kids, but I don't think a mother is exactly what Mr. Hanley has in mind.

Our first we call "Rainbow Over the Everglades."

It's a pastel plaid, silk organza day dress with a voluminous skirt for cocktail parties and afternoon gatherings.

You know, of course, that diamonds are a girl's best friend.

And this is our proof of it.

You're not really thinking of going away with that chowderhead, are you?

Oh, for heaven's sake, no!

You're on, Loke. Oh, goodness!

This one we call "Looky, Looky, LookyP"

It begins as a spectator's sports dress.

Well, get you. Hi.

Which converts into a one-piece play costume of Jersey and checked-matching wool.

Our next we call "Good Afternoon, Sweetheart."

This is an afternoon tea dress, which plunges in the back rather than the front.

Made of imported printed sheer, with parasol to match.

You like that, monsieur?

Comme ci, comme ├ža.

That guy's really the end of the line.

I still think he's kinda cute.

Who is he? That garage man.

What garage? That fella I got with the cold cuts.

"Trouble in the Afternoon." A beach boy's shirt of pink and white gingham, with a deep rose crushed cummerbund.

And a coolie hat of natural straw.

"Hard-Hearted Hannah" is a Palm Beach stroller consisting of mustard crash pants and a shirttail blouse of grey and white silk.

Next we have "Double Frozen Daiquiris."

A beach costume of sleek blue pants of fine wool, with a wrap around of Thai silk.

You will notice the Egyptian influence in the bizarre raffia hat.

"South of the Border" is Mexican crepe of black cotton twill, a tamale-colored serape and a peon straw hat.

Could I take another look at that pink-and-blue job?

But of course, sir. Miss Schatze.


Much obliged, Tony. Not at all, sir.

Did you see anything I could put aside for you?

Nope. I don't see anything here that I want. Thanks again, Tony.

All right, girls. Thank you.

Mr. Antoine? Yes?

I know that guy. He's a screw pot. A screw pot?

He's making a chump out of you. Miss Schatze.

Yes? Do I tell you how to put on a girdle?

You bet your sweet life you don't.

Then, would you be good enough not to tell me how to run my business?


Mr. Brewster? Yes.

I'll take these.

Aboard!


You're not the regular driver, are you?

No, sir. Pa's the regular driver.

But he went to a Republican rally last night and didn't get up this morning.

It certainly is a funny place for it.

Funny place for what?

A convention.

What's this? The lodge, naturally.

This house?

It'll look better when I get a fire going.

But where are the others? Other what?

Members. I'm sorry, Miss Dempsey.

I don't know what you're talking about half the time. What members?

You said it was a lodge, didn't you? I did and it is.

Then, where are the members. Like the Elks Lodge.

Mother and I went to an Elks Lodge convention in Philadelphia, and there were thousands of members there.

It was one of the happiest times of our life.

Is that what you really thought this was?

Well, naturally. What else?

Where do you want these? Back in the car.

What's the matter? Something wrong?

No, just going back to New York, that's all.

Well, not today, you're not. No more trains till tomorrow.

Oh, I may slit my throat.

Would you like a fire? I was about to...

That's all right. I'll do it.

Never saw so much snow in my life.

I'm sorry about all this. If you'll just be patient, I'll try to get you out of here as soon as I possibly can.

I figured I might have to put on some of those skis, but not in all this snow.

I'll tell you what. I have some old Medford rum in the pantry.

I'll get a drink for you. And meanwhile, maybe you'd like a little music.

Meanwhile, maybe I'd like a little poison too.

You got radio all the way up here?

Oh, sure. Radio and houses, everything.

Here. Maybe you'd better take the first one straight.

Just listen to that music, all the way from New York. Good ol' Harry James.

Is it really? How can you tell?

Oh, I can tell it's Harry James because it is Harry James.

Ladies and gentlemen, you are listening to the music of Ziggy Colombo, - coming to you from the... Turn that liar off.

Why don't you stop acting like a spoiled brat and behave yourself?

I've never been mixed up in a situation like this before.

As long as I'm in my right mind, I never will again.

But it's not doing either of us any good to stand here and jaw at each other.

I feel awful. All tingly.

Well, I wish I did. Drink it. Drink it.

Is this rum?

Medford Rum. It's over 100 years old.

Then I'm sick. I've got a fever. Call a doctor immediately.

What are you talking about? I've got a fever, I tell you.

Whenever rum smells like a carnation, I've got a fever.

We've got to get a doctor right away.

There's no reason to get hysterical. Don't you hit me!

I'm not going to hit you. I want to feel your forehead.

There's a thermometer outside the door. Get it! Get it!

Will you please call a doctor? I know when I've got a fever.

You do feel a little warm.

Are you going to call a doctor or not?

I can't call a doctor. Everybody knows me here. Don't you understand?

What am I supposed to do, die because you got a big name around here?

It's a little large, but... Is there a hospital around here?

Open your mouth. What's that?

I want to take your temperature. Not with that flute.

It's not a flute, it's a thermometer. Look.

That's not for people, it's for blizzards.

Open your mouth, I tell you.

And don't you try to talk until I take that out.

If it was my daughter, you know what I'd do?

Well, she's not your daughter. She's not my daughter either, if that's what you're driving at.

How much is it? One hundred and two.

Is that bad? It's definitely a slight temperature.

Maybe you call it slight in the city of New York, but in Maine, she oughta be in bed.

I'm gonna die. I know it.

I'm gonna die out here in this jungle!

If you want, I'll call Ma. She's a practical nurse.

Oh, what good will that do? We can tell her the symptoms.

She'll give us the answers.

All right. But be very careful what you tell her.

I'll tell her what you tell me to tell her.

Hazel? Eben.

Ring Ma, will ya?

Brewster's Lodge. Yeah, he's here with...

His skis.

If it's mumps, I'll die.

Ma? Say, what's it a sign of when a girl is shivering and shaking and has a temperature of 102?

Her eyes watering? Like two faucets.

They're watering.

Look at her tongue.

It looks kind of red.

Tongue's blotchy.

Look behind her ears.

Have you been scratching yourself?

Of course not. Models aren't allowed to scratch.

Breaking out behind the ears.

I see. Okay, thanks, Ma.

You got nothing to worry about. What is it?

Measles. Measles!

And I've got nothing to worry about.

"Get her to bed," Ma says.

Keep her quiet and the room dark so you can avoid complications.

She'll be as good as new in a week or two.

Oh!

Keep it. Much obliged.

Yes, sir.

Hi, Mike. Well, for goodness sakes.

How are you, Mr. Denmark? I thought you were in Europe.

I was. Come back here.

You're a friend of mine, aren't you?

You bet your life, sir. Yeah, well, I'm in a little jam with the income tax department, and I need your help.

Anything you want, sir. I've had a little trouble with those people myself from time to time.

Who's got my apartment now? Three young ladies, sir.

Business women, I believe. Yeah, well, I gotta get in there for a few minutes. Think you can arrange it?

You can get in there now, sir. They're both out for the evening.

One of them's with a Texas fellow, and the other's with the one-eyed man How about the other one? Oh, she's away at an Elks convention.

You want me to wait here? Yeah, if you can.

If I get a buzz, I'll come back.

That's not them. They never get in till 2:00 or 3:00.

I'll be right back. Okay if I turn on the lights?

Sure.


Pola must have left the lights on.

What will you have to drink? Milk, if you don't mind.

Milk? Well, if we've got any.

Go to the kitchen, will you? I'll be there in a minute.


Is that the best we've got?

Apparently, but it's all I want.

Schatze, you've made my visit a very pleasant one.

I'd like to do something to show my appreciation.

Oh, don't be silly, J.D.

Tell me something. Is this furniture really out to be cleaned, or is there some other explanation?

You don't have to worry about that.

Did you sell it or hock it?

Well, we sold it.

Will they sell it back?

And now, dear Schatze, I'm afraid we must say good-bye.

Good-bye? But I thought you were staying until next week.

I was, but something has happened that I would never have dreamed of.

And I think the wisest thing I can do is to get out of here at once.

What do you mean?

Do you remember the first time I came into this apartment with Loco?

Yes.

I came in here a subtle and aging widower, with a pattern of my life all laid out for the rest of my days.

Really? That isn't the way I went out of here.

You didn't?

Tell me, do you believe in love at first sight?

Oh, absolutely, J.D. No question in the world about it.

Well, I don't. Not at my age, anyway.

Stop talking about your age. You'd think you were as old as Methuselah.

Don't you know you're right in the very prime of life?

How old are you?

Forty.

Oh, Schatze, Schatze.

That's probably the sweetest lie you've ever told.

Twenty-five would be a little more like it, wouldn't it?

But look here, J.D. You don't want to go jumping to conclusions, do you?

Look, it's no use, darling. I'm 56 years old.

Thirty years older than you.

By your standards, anyway, an old man.

Oh, no. We might support this difference for another four to five years perhaps, but what happens when I'm truly old?

But listen, J.D. I hate young men.

Thank you very much. That's all right.

Have you got to go already? I'm afraid so.

Well, nighty-night. Good night.

I've always liked older men.

Look at Roosevelt. Look at Churchill.

Look at that old fellow what's-his-name in African Queen.

Absolutely crazy about him.

So, you see, J.D... Pardon me.

Hello. Come in. Hope I'm not intruding.

You're entitled to such a hope, I believe.

Don't let her kid you, Pola. I've got to be going, anyway.

So early? Yes, I'm flying home tomorrow morning.

Oh, no. I've got to.

Good-bye, my dear. It's been a great pleasure knowing all you girls.

Good-bye, J.D. Come back, will you?

I will. Someday, perhaps.

Good-bye.

What time does your plane leave?

9200.

Don't you believe anything I say at all?

I believe that nothing could have been more wonderful for me than marrying you.

And nothing worse for you.

Will you call me before you go? That's too early for you.

Very well.

Good night, darling.

What's the matter?

I oughta punch you right smack in the nose.

What did I do? Nothing.

Nothing but break up a play at the two-yard line, that's all.

Oh, I'm terribly sorry, Schatze. Really I am.

Little Miss Bubblehead is terribly, terribly sorry, indeed.

I was just so anxious to tell you the news.

What news? We're going to be married.

You and who? Me and Stewart.

You mean Blinky?

Yes. And if he doesn't have to fly to London this weekend, he's going to take me down to meet his mother this Saturday.

Down where? Atlantic City.

Oh. What did you say this guy did?

Oil, darling. Simply barrels of it.

Says he? But of course.

You ought to hear him talk about it, really.

I think we oughta put a check on that one.

Why? I don't know what you mean.

Nobody's mother lives in Atlantic City on Saturday.

- Hello? Miss Page?

That's right, it's still no.


Oh! Oh!

Oh!

Now who on earth ever thought of this?

Thought of what? Skiing on snow.

What else would you ski on?

Why, the natural way, like in Florida, on water.

Ski on water? Why you.

Oh, no!

Mrs. Salem!

Here she is now.

How are you feeling?

Never mind how I feel. Where have you been?

Sitting on the mountain. Who with?

Nobody.

What's that? I'm going to give you a manicure.

What was his name? Eben.

You gotta be careful. You don't want to get mixed up with a fellow like that.

Don't I? Never.

Who do you think I oughta get mixed up with?

Well, I won't always have measles, you know.

Say, you are getting better.

You just wait till we get back to New York.

I don't dig you sometimes. What do you mean?

Is your wife a spook? Of course not.

She's a very wonderful woman and a true credit to her sex.

Oh, brother! I mean it.

Then, Why'd you flip like this? Pardon?

What set you off that night?

Oh! Well, for one thing, you're a very beautiful young woman. I know.

And for another, I was a little upset that evening.

My daughter had just run away and got married.

Well, for goodness sakes, what's wrong with that?

What was wrong with that was the fella's no good. He's a gigolo.

Oh, really? Maybe I know him. What's his name?

His name's Martinez. I read about that.

He's a dancer. "Hoofer Weds Heiress."

Well, she isn't one any more.

What do you mean? I disinherited her.

Disinherited her?

Well, there's one thing I'll say for poor people, they don't go around disinheriting their children.

Obviously. They've got nothing to disinherit them with.

Say that again.

Poor families don't have any money to pass on from one generation to another.

It doesn't make any difference.

My mother, no matter how much money she didn't have, she wouldn't disinherit me.

Do you mind if we just don't talk for a while?

Not at all. I like not to talk.


This is what I wanted you to see.

It's nice.

It's all mine from the crest of that second ridge to the north there, all the way around as far as the eye can see to the west and back around that way to just beyond old Baldy.

All yours? Yep.

You mean all those trees and mountains and everything?

That's it.

Well, for crying out loud.

Isn't it beautiful?

Isn't that what they call "timber"?

Best in the world.

Well, what do you know about that?

I think it's the most beautiful sight in the whole world.

Well, I certainly don't blame you.

Pure and as clean and plenty of room.

Do you think you could ever come to like it?

Well, I never thought about it before, but I imagine I could.

You should see it at night, with the moon and the stars over that mountain.

Look, show me again how much is yours.

Well, from the crest of that second ridge to the north there, all the way around to the west.


It's all right this time. One went to work, one went to look at a bank and the other one is still with the Elks.

If I remember correctly, that's what you said the other night.

I know, but this time I'm positive.


[Phone Rings 1


Hello?

Oh, hello.

Hello. Just a moment.

She's not back yet. She isn't?

You wanna wait? No thanks. I'd better be going.

I'll tell her you were here. Thank you.

Bye now. Bye.

Sorry, darling. Just one of Schatze's friends just popped in to say hello.

I'll tell you what I want you to do. - Yes?

It seems that I've got to nip down to Washington this evening for dinner with a certain party whose name I'll tell you later.

But that means I'll probably have to stay there overnight.

So, I'm going to ask you to take the plane down to Atlantic City alone, and I'll be over from Washington in time to meet you at the airport.

- Is that all right? Of course it is, darling.

Then, here's a schedule I suggest There's a flight from Atlantic City from La Guardia Airport at 5:00 P.M.


Fasten your seat belts, please.

May I take these, please?


Well, everything's okay.

Well, I'll be darned.

Pardon?

Haven't we met before?

For goodness sakes, you're that friend of Schatze's. What happened to you?

When? Yesterday.

I told Schatze you were coming back, and she waited for you.

I got tied up.

Your wife? Oh, I'm not married.

That's nice.


Look. Yes?

Didn't you bring your glasses?

What glasses?

Don't you wear glasses?

Oh, no. Whatever gives you that idea?

You got the most peculiar vision I ever saw.

Why do you say that? You're reading that book upside down.

But I'm no such thing.

Not you, the book.

Oh.

Isn't it silly, though?

What is it, astigmatism?

No, just blind as a bat. Me too.

Oh, really?

Then, why aren't you wearing glasses?

I am wearing glasses.

Well, there you are.

I used to be like that. For years, I went around banging into fireplugs and shaking hands with lampposts because I didn't want to be called four eyes.

And then, something happened which cured me of that sort of thing forever.

What was that?

One evening, I said hello to three different fellows I owed money to.

But it's different with girls, don't you think?

How is it?

Well, you know what they say about girls who wear glasses.

What are you talking about?

Men aren't attentive to girls who wear glasses.

Did you ever try it?

No.

You brought them with you, didn't you? Yes.

Then, why don't you put them on? Find out for yourself.

With you?

Why not?

Well.

If you're worried about me, I'll tell you right now before you put them on, I already think you're quite a strudel.

Honestly? Absolutely.

I've thought so from the first minute I saw you.

Well, if you really think so.

Go ahead. Put them on.

You're crazy. No?

You look better with them on. I do?

Gives your face a certain mystery.

No kidding.

And distinction. A certain kind of distinction.

Well, what do you know about that?

You're already a very good-looking girl, if you don't mind my saying so.

No, not at all. And the glasses.

That particular type gives your face a very interesting, difference.

You don't think they make me look like an old maid.

I've never seen anybody in my whole life who reminded me less of an old maid.

What's your name?

So what happened was this.

I sent this check to this fellow, this tax expert.

Instead of paying the tax, he cashed the check and put the money in his pocket.

But why didn't you tell that to the government?

Well, I did, but you know how the government is.

Couldn't be more sympathetic, but they still wanted the dough.

Even after you told them that fellow was a crook?

What did that mean? As far as they were concerned, the only crook was me.

I had to have some proof. That's why I had to get back and get this check.

Well, how do you like that?

When I found out he'd gone to Kansas City, I jumped on a plane.

He's either going to kick in with the money, or I'm going to break his neck.

Is that where he is, Kansas City?

So I understand.

Why are you going to Atlantic City?

Who's going to Atlantic City?

Doesn't this plane go to Atlantic City?

What are you talking about? This is the Midland Sky Chief.

Are you kidding? Of course not.

We should be in Kansas City in about 20 minutes.

Why?

Oh, nothing.

Just one of those things.

Go on. Tell me some more.

Tell me anything.


Does your family live there with you?

Oh, no, they couldn't do that.

I see. You mean they have a place of their own.

Oh, sure, over at Dexter Mills.

I saw a picture in Harper's Bazaar once, what they call a mountain shack.

It was creamy.

Well, here we are.

Here we are where? The shack. This is it.

Well, what do you mean? This is a shack.

Well, of course. What did I tell you?

It's very comfortable inside. Come on.

Just a minute. Is this really on the level?

Is what on the level? Well, is this really your home?

Well, it is when I'm on duty. What did you expect?

Well, certainly not this.

I don't know what you mean, honey. It's just a forestry lookout station.

But they're all pretty much alike.

But if you're so rich, why couldn't you build yourself a bigger one?

Like in Harper's Bazaar. Rich? Who's rich?

Aren't you? Well, that's a good one.

Where on earth did you get that idea?

But all these trees. Didn't you say they were yours?

Well, mine to watch, sure. That's part of my job.

I don't even own a bush.

Oh. But I thought...

Oh, darling, this is the worst.

What's the matter, sweetheart? I don't get it.

I'm so crazy about you.

Well, that's wonderful. I'm crazy about you too.

But I... Oh, honey.

Oh, I see.

What you mean is you're not interested in a man without trees.

That's not it at all.

I'm crazy about you, but I...

Let's not talk about it. Do you mind?

If only you'd told me.

I told you. I told you the first day we went skiing.

I told you then that's what I was, a ranger.

Is that what you meant?

What else could I have meant?

I'm sorry. I just thought you meant you came from Texas.


What's the matter with your dad this time?

He went to another Republican rally.

Maybe he'd better join the Democrats.

Not in Maine. Too lonely.

Can we rent a car in Portland?

I suppose so.

You mean we're going to drive back to New York?

It'll probably be pretty expensive, but I think it's the safest way not to be seen by anybody.

When you got the measles, I wouldn't have given ten cents for my chances of getting out of this jam without being caught.

You know what I did? What?

I got on long distance with a few friends around Chicago and St. Louis.

I had them keep sending telegrams to my wife, signed with my name.

All about this unexpected business trip I was on.

It worked like a charm.

That sounds very intelligent.

I don't like to boast, but if I hadn't had that little stroke of brilliance, there could have been a lot of very serious results in my home.

And business too.

What are you going to do to show you're grateful?

What do you mean? Whenever a person pulls a rock and skins out of it, they oughta do something nice for the injured party, don't you think?

For instance? Well, for one thing, you ought to drop into Cartier's tomorrow morning and get your wife some sort of little bubble for her wrist.

How about some nice flowers?

Is that all the grateful you are, five dollars worth of geraniums?

Look, if I gave Mrs. Brewster a piece of jewelry not on her birthday, she'd have 25 private detectives on my tail within 10 minutes.

Well, if you'll pardon my frankness, I'd be ashamed to admit it.

I'll send her a nice box of roses. She'll love that.

She's not used to expensive gifts.

Anything more than flowers would upset her terribly.

All right, then. How about doing something nice for your daughter?

What? Why don't you inherit her again?

I'm sorry, that's quite out of the question.

But that wouldn't cost you anything until you were dead.

I'd rather not discuss it if you don't mind.

What's the matter with you, anyway? Everybody loves their children.

Even monkeys. It's a well-known law of Mother Nature.

Mother Nature never had to deal with a gigolo.

And what else pray were you trying to be?

The differences between the two should be quite obvious, even to you.

And would you be so kindly as to specify how?

If you don't mind, I don't think I care to debate the question with you.

Once you get one foot on the ground, you're really quite a jerk, aren't you?

Where are we now?

We'll be crossing the George Washington Bridge...

George Washington Bridge? What are we doing way over there?

On the customary routes, I could be recognized a dozen times.

This side of the river no one knows me.

It's just another example of the use of intelligence in a situation like this.


If you've got intelligence, you don't need luck.

If you've got that good old American know-how, you don't need anything else.

Because the simple truth is that when the chips are really down, man is still the master of his own fate.

The captain of his destiny.

What is it? Motorcycle cops.

Are you sure you're not on the lam?

It's all right. Just keep moving.

I'm awfully sorry if I'm going too fast.

You're all right. Just follow me.


Good afternoon, sir. This is George Washington Bridge Week.

And the city of New York extends its heartiest congratulations to the happy couple driving the 50 millionth car across our noble edifice.

Hold it. This way, lady. Another smile, lady.

Hold it. Hold it.

I'm sorry I can't give you any more, Mrs. Page, but... you know what the market is these days.

Gesundheit. Thank you again, Mrs. Page.

[Phone Rings 1

- Hello? Miss Page?

Oh, it's you again.

Are you good for seconds? Oh, sure.

Let's order them now. Two more, Mac. Well-done.

And slap a little chili on that one.

You know what the trouble with you is? Which one?

Trouble with you is you're a hamburger with onions dame and won't admit it.

I wonder how long it took you to work that one out.

My guess is that I know you better than you know yourself.

Ketchup.

Coleslaw?

If I can get it on here.

I just don't believe that you're the kind of girl you pretend to be at all.

I'll say this for you, that's quite a line you've got there.

Here. Pickles?

Thanks.

It's all an act. You know as well as I do that money isn't everything.

Who told you it wasn't?

Nobody had to.

Did you ever have any?

A little, yes.

Then, how do you know it isn't everything?

Do you seriously believe having money automatically brings you happiness?

Well, no, but it doesn't automatically depress me either.

I don't believe you, Schatze.

Look, Tommy, I'm in a jam here Don't you understand?

I'm in a very bad financial situation.

If those kids don't come back, I'm on the hook for a year's rent for that apartment.

So, what do you think I should do now, fall in love with a character who doesn't even own a necktie?

Haven't they written to you? How can they? They're illiterate.

Listen, honey... It's no use, Tommy boy.

Just as soon as I finish this horse burger, I never want to see you again.

Hello?

How about taking a look at Miss Liberty today?

Well.

If you were solvent, it would be an entirely different matter.

But I had it with a grease monkey like you, and that's all I want of that.

Okay, Miss Cafe Society, take a look out there and give me a rest for a moment.

And the truth of the matter, I don't care what you say, is that if you're not loaded, you've already got two strikes on you.

I already said okay. What else do you want me to say about it?

As soon as we get off this barge, I never want to see you again.

[Phone Rings 1

- Yes? Tonight?

No.

I mean it I tell you.

Just as soon as we get home, I never want to see...

I'm sorry we can't give you any more, Mrs. Page.

I already laughed at that one.

Well, anyway, thanks again.

May I come in?

May I change my mind?

Is this on the level?

From the bottom of my heart.

Then, hold it for just one second.

Fred? Fred? This is Mrs. Page.

Grab that furniture man and tell him to bring that stuff right back up here.

Do you understand?

Don't even move.


Well?

Yes.

Is something wrong, Mrs. Page?

I don't know. I just feel so lonely.

Your friends? Yeah.

Not one of those two dingbats to stand up with me.

Well, there's still a good hope they may come yet.

If they come now, I'll throw them out on their necks.

But I thought... I wanted them yesterday.

What time have I got to laugh at them now?

Well, for crying out loud, a party.

Wait a minute.

There's Loco! Well, hi!

What is it? Schatze's wedding. Didn't you know?

Who to? Dallas, Texas.

Pardon me, but my name is Ding Dong. How do you do?

Did you have much trouble? What do you mean, trouble?

He's absolutely insane about me.

No kidding. Out of his mind.

Do you know how much he's worth? How much?

Thirty mil. He's not.

Give or take a mil.

Oh, isn't that wonderful?

Oh, and he's a doll. A perfect doll.

What a break. I'm not kidding. It's a dream marriage.

What about you? Where have you been all this time?

Oh, I went back to Maine.

What do you mean, you went back to Maine?

Well, to tell you the truth, I got married up there.

Not to that Shriner.

Oh, no, he was already married. That's what I thought.

Who'd you marry?

Well, he's not anybody in particular.

Just a fella I met up there.

But I'm absolutely crazy about him.

How do you like that? Both of us at the same time.

What does he do?

He's a ranger. Cattle, you mean?

No, he's a forest ranger.

Well, that's not bad. If you get enough trees, they're really worth something.

How'd you meet him? I don't mean he owns them, he just watches them.

You mean, just looks at them?

He's got a house on top of a mountain. They keep a lookout for fires so all those trees don't burn down.

How can he make any dough out of that?

He doesn't, much.

You mean he's a kind of fireman?

That's it.

Thank you. Mr. Hanley?

You have the license, I suppose. Yes, right here.

Wouldn't you like to meet him?

Oh, sure. Is he here?

I'll get him.

Hiya, Schatze.

Well, I'll be a monkey's uncle.

Congratulations, honey. We read about it on the plane. I think it's just creamy.

You know how much he's got?

How much? Fifty mil.

Brother! Give or take a mil.

Have you been shopping yet?

When they open the doors, I fall in.

What a break! Where have you been?

Kansas City. For what?

That's where Freddie and I got married.

You mean you married that crowbar? Well, yes.

Honest to goodness, Pola, you need a governess.

I could have pegged that guy as a phony when I was eight years old.

Oh, not Stewart. I married Freddie.

Freddie? Who he?

Well, it's a little mixed up. You see, I got on his plane to Kansas City.

I thought you were going to Atlantic City.

I was, but the first stop for this plane was Kansas City.

Never mind. I don't want to hear any more about it.

Just tell me one thing... is he holding or not?

Well, yes and no.

Oh, no, no, no. Not you too.

I mean, he'd be holding if he could get his hands on it.

Say that again. Well, he's on the lam.

A thief? No, no, he's not a thief.

As a matter of fact, he owns this apartment.

But he gave this guy a check for his income tax...

Then, what's he on the lam for?

Then, he went up to break this guy's neck, but his glasses fell off.

Whose glasses? Freddie's.

And the guy nearly broke his neck.

You mean, he's blind too?

Blinder than me.

Here he is. This is Schatze, darling.

Oh, congratulations, Mrs. Page.

Thank you. Congratulations to you too. She's okay.

I think so. And this is Pola.

Glad to meet you. Holy Toledo!

Isn't he cute? Just a minute.

Two more pounds and she could be arrested for bigamy.

Pardon me, Mrs. Page. Mr. Hanley would like to know if there's a maid of honor.

If he can find one. Can I be it?

Matron, I believe, is about the best you can hope for.

Shall I tell him? Take him.

Come on, before Pola gets here. Bye.

Bye.

It's just Schatze. Come on.

Here he is. Hi, Mrs. Page.

Is that going to be permanent? No, it's just a brace.

He takes it off at night.

Don't you worry. I'm going to get even with him yet.

I just have to lay a little low for a while.

We're going underground right after the ceremony.

You don't mind? Love it Well, congratulations to you too.

I think we'd better get started. Some of the kids are beginning to foam over.

Okay, tell them to blow the whistle.

You're still sure?

Of course.


"Dearly beloved, we are gathered together here..."

Please. What's the matter, dear?

My ankle. Can you take me back?

Why, yes. Of course.

You're just too nice a guy to get married to someone that doesn't love you all out.

Was that what it was?

What else?

I can think of a number of reasons why you should never have considered me in the first place.

Have I hurt you very bad?

You have.

But I'll recover.

You sound as though as you already have.

No. No, that's just one of the few advantages of age Disappointments become a normal part of life.

But what do you think I should tell the guests?

Oh, just tell them Mrs. Page has blown her stack at last.

No one will give you an argument on it.

Wouldn't you like to talk it over first with Loke and Pola?

Those bubbleheads. Why do you say that?

Did you see what those two goofballs turned up with?

Yeah, I saw Loke's forest ranger.

A fireman for trees.

Seemed like a very nice boy.

Did you see what Pola brought back? No.

A fugitive from justice. No.

And a blind one at that.

Young man?

As far as I could tell, in back of that Halloween getup.

Well, they love them, don't they?

Drooling, all four of them.

And who is your young man?

What young man? The one you're in love with.

Who said I was in love with a young man?

I did.

Well, it's a sin and a shame, but I guess I've got to admit it.

I am.

Who is he? What does that matter?

Well, I don't think it's unnatural that I should have some curiosity.

He's nothing. Absolutely nothing.

A character straight from Characterville.

Is that his name? Brookman.

Brookman what? Tom Brookman.

You say he's non-holding?

One more hamburger would break him.

What does he do?

He won't say, but that's nothing to me. I already know.

What? He's a gas pump jockey.

How do you know?

How do I know how I know?

There's something about those guys that I can spot every time I see them.

I married one once, remember?

Does he really love you?

To hear him tell it, he does.

Well, what's to stop you from marrying him?

Nothing now, but it's scarcely what you'd call progress.

He's here now, you know. Where?

Out there. How do you know?

Well, there's a character out there who looks like a gas pump jockey to me.

Has he got on a tie? No, no tie.

And at a formal ceremony. You see what I mean?

Well, you can certainly say that again.

And after I told him I never wanted to see him again, ever.

Who does he think he is, anyway? Crashing my wedding.

Well, suppose I ask him?

Now just a minute, J.D.

Hiya, Tom.

Okay, I guess. Congratulations.

Congratulations to you. Don't be funny.

Still the character? Well, why not?

All she talks about is dough, dough, dough. Nothing but dough.

So, if that's all she wants, you can have her. I don't want any part of her.

That's the way she talks, of course, but that's not the way she feels.

I'll bet. What happened?

It was a delayed decision in your favor.

Are you kidding? Not in the least.

Did you tell her about me? Of course not.

So far as she knows, you're still hustling a gas pump.

I don't believe this.

All right. Let's go ask her. Wait a minute.

Wait a minute, J.D. You think I ought to tell her now?

Are you crazy?

She obviously likes gas pump jockeys better than millionaires.

What do you want to do, disillusion the girl?

Mr. Brookman, darling.

Well, you've got a crust. Just a minute.

A big wedding and you with no necktie. Listen to me.

Everybody else here dressed up in striped pants and you show up like a...

Listen, Schatze! I never want to see you again.

Hey, hey, hey, what about a cheese dog burger this time?

Following the ceremony, the party adjourned to a fashionable greasy spoon, where perfectly delicious dog burgers were served.

What happened with those zillionaires everybody was talking about?

Oh, what always happens to rich zillionaires.

I've got nothing to worry about. What did you tell me you were worth?

Oh, I should say in the neighborhood of 14 dollars, give or take a nickel. That's all cash too.

How about you, Killer? How are you fixed?

To tell you the truth, if I can get my hands on it...

You're fixed but good. I can tell.

Wait a minute. I want to hear from Mr. Fill 'Er Up.

Just what you estimate your fortune at?

Oh, about 200 million, I should imagine.

Oh, that's not enough. Might that all be in cash?

I could probably dig up a couple million cash if I had to.

Oh, that's wonderful. What might the rest be in, oil?

Some oil.

Some airline stock. Good.

A little steel. Some cattle down in Texas.

Couple of coal mines in Alabama. Bit of real estate here and there.

Some automobile stocks. The Brookman Building.

And, of course, Brookman, Pennsylvania.

A whole city he owns yet. Wouldn't you know that would happen to me?

Give me the check, Mac.

Keep the change, Mac.

Gentlemen, to our wives.