Howard the Duck (1986) Script

Hi, honey, this is your mother. Listen, I know you're very busy... with the new job but please try and call us.

Did you get the birthday sweater we sent?

We'll be home all weekend. Bye.

Howard, Jim here. We still set for racquet ball on Saturday?

Give me a shout, buddy. Bye-bye.

Hi, it's Wendy. I had this really intense dream last night, Howie.

I was running my fingers through your feathers, and all of a sudden...

Well, you better come over tonight... and I'll show you what really happened next.

Ciao for now, Howie.

Hey, Ricky's back with you again for lots more Dance Frenzy excitement!

Here's couple number three, our lovely Latin dance team... from Wedford Falls. Charles is a Machinist First Class in the Navy... and his darling wife, Madge, is a blackjack dealer.

Just a super jock dance. Charles and Madge!

Come on, let's hear for them, folks. What's the matter, George?

Jock itch again? I've got just the thing.

Here. Why not take a shot of New Shorts Blaster?

It's guaranteed to wipe out feather fungus... in even the most active crotches. Shorts Blaster.

In addition, you've won a new car!

But that's not all. Nice...

Oh, Fred, I love you so much.

It hurts like hell... He's dead.

$79.95? Forget it!

$49.99? No way!

I'm crazy and my prices are insane!

Who did they interview this month?

My little airbrushed beauty.

What?

Oh, no, it's a quake!

I can't get up!

What's going on here?

Casey, did you hear something?

I'm such a lucky girl.

I'm in love.


The Cosmos.

Countless worlds upon worlds. Worlds without end.

In these galaxies every possible reality exits.

And what is reality on any one world is mere fantasy on all others.

Here, all is real and all is illusion.

What is, what was and what will be start here with the words...

"in the beginning there was...

Howard the Duck!"


Boy...!


I'm a dead duck.

Hey, come on!

No!

Hey, Bender, go on in, Frankenweed. We finally found you a date.

What is this?

Hey! That costume don't fool me. No kids allowed.

Come on, Kid. Wait a minute, that's my date!

I said out of the way!

No, wait!

You little creep! Get away from my cart, you filthy degenerate!


Christ, it touched me! What the hell is it?

I wasn't trying anything! Honest! Step on him!

Up and away!

Are you ready for an incredible story?

Waste it, man, waste it! No!


Talk about a rotten day...


Just saw your show!

Great, thanks. Beverly, we love your music.

Bye now. Could I have your autograph on my shirt?

Me too. On my shorts?

Real charming. Just go away, okay? We're talking to you, big rock star!

Don't try anything! Don't go snot nose on us.

We're your biggest fans. Let me go!

Help somebody, help! Help!

Come here, snot nose!

That's it. No more Mr. Nice Duck!

Let the female creature go!

Every duck's got his limit, and you scum have pushed me over the line.

Jimmy, do you like see what I see?

A talking duck? Yeah. That's it.

I've been doing too much toot. Shoot! Fly away!

No one laughs at a master of Quack-Foo!

Jimmy, you okay?

Get off me!

You, creep, get out of here!

You're breaking my fingers!

Now, you and baby face are gonna beat it, right, Mr. Zitz?

Before I get really mad!

Come on! Let's get out of here!

This is obviously no place for an intelligent, sensitive duck.

This is unreal. I mean, it can't be.

Thanks. You're not really a... a duck?

You know, this is beginning to seriously undermine my self-esteem.

I'm sorry, I guess I should thank you for chasing those guys off.

Are you okay? Yeah, sure. Terrific.

I just have one giant question. Where am I?

Oh, well, The lights up there are Ninth Street and the bus stops at the corner of Powell.

No, no, no, no. I'm asking, what is this place?

Cleveland? Cleveland? Uh-huh...

That's a perfect weird name for this planet.

Planet? No, no, that's a city.

The planet's... You don't know the planet?

Oh, well, the planet's called Earth, I think.

And I'm obviously in some sort of terrible nightmare.

Oh, yeah? Your nightmare or mine?

Good point.

So, I guess I better be going.

Thanks again.

Bye.

Bye...


Listen... You got someplace to go?

If I had someplace to go, I certainly wouldn't be in Cleveland.


Come on.

Nice place. Do you pay to live here?

It's cheap. The manager of my band found it for me.

I suggest you find a new manager.

I'd love to, but we got this damn contract with this sleazoid.

He won't even give us the money he owes us.

Come on in.

It's sort of a disaster area.

We've been working on some new songs, you know.

See, the band's called Cherry Bomb, and... we've been playing these grungy mong-holes waiting for our big break.

You don't have any idea what I'm talking about, do you Mister...

Hello. Duck?

It's Howard, thank you. Right, Howard.

Hi, I'm Beverly.

Listen, would you like something to eat or drink?

Milk? I could put it in a bowl.

Doll, I don't drink out of bowls. You got a beer?

Beer? Right, beer, right.

God, I can't believe this.

I'll put you in a bowl. What?

No... Give me a break.

What's this? It's a purse.

I got it at a swap meet. Cute.

Big one... I'm sorry, I'm so nervous.

It's just that I've never been around a...

I mean, I've never even had any pets or anything, you know?

They seem like such a hassle. You know, feeding them... cleaning up their little poo-poos. I'll try to be careful.

No, I didn't mean that you...

Look, why don't you just sit down...

Okay, why not? And make yourself at home.

Make myself at home? I wish. Listen.

Oh, no, not again!

Howard, it's okay. Are you all right?

The chair started shaking. It was just a big truck going by.

A truck? I knew that.

What I don't know is what the hell I'm doing here!

It's like a bad trip. I mean, talk about an identity crisis.

Yeah, what an awful thing to happen.

Howard, I was just kinda wondering... does everybody in your planet look like you?

Obviously, why? No reason, just wondered.

So, what do you do back home? You got a job? You go to school?

I went to med school for a while. You went to med school?

Yeah, my parents wanted me to be a doctor.

Plastic surgeon, making big bucks, doing big jobs, tail tucks.

What happened? I dropped out.

And I decided to educate myself in the real world, on the streets.

So, I wrote songs at night and did construction work by day.

Wow. That sounds great. You know, I write songs too.

What kind of... Listen, it doesn't matter.

It was all a pipe dream. I got so tired of everyone saying:

"Grow up, Howard". I guess I finally did.

Last month I got what they call a "promising job".

Yeah? Doing what? Advertising copywriter.

Only two things touch my feathers, this "Oil of Night Fowl" and him.

I wrote that.

Geez, Howard, it sort of sounds like you sold out.

Maybe. But sometimes I still get this feeling... there's some kind of special destiny waiting for me.

Howard, that's it. Maybe that's why you're here.

What? I mean, I believe... that there are no accidents in the universe.

Maybe you're here for some greater purpose.

Some cosmic cause. Are you nuts?

I got no intention of being stranded here.

I gotta get back.

How, is another matter. Yeah, right. We gotta get some help.

But, Howard...


Oh, geez...

Howard...!


What am I gonna do with you... ducky?


This is humiliating. I just don't want people... freaking out all over the place. What about me?

I'm gonna have to see a psychiatrist... every day for the rest of my life. Relax, we're almost there.

Oh, goody. Phil's a scientist. He can help.

Howard, this isn't working. Tell me about it.

Can I give you a hand with that?

No, we're doing... What's in the bag?

I'm doing fine, thank you very much.

Let me out of here.

Excuse me. Can I help with that? No!

Yes!

Why are we stopping?

Hi. Hi, Beverly.

We had an appointment. We got here as fast as we could.

God... Listen, everybody, this is it! I've just seen it!

It's in there! It's a... it's...

It's... It's nothing! It's nothing, never mind.

Carry on, Dr. Chapin.

This is amazing. Man's oldest fantasy.

Across a sea of stars! Look up in the sky!

It's a bird! It's a plane!

No, it's a duck! Phil, you gotta help us!

What are we gonna do? Nice ducky.

Me Phil, you Howard. We be friends.

Me Phil, you Howard. We be friends.

Undoubtedly on of Earth's greatest minds here.

Hey, Phil, don't talk to him like that. He's just as smart as you are.

Now I'm really depressed. Highly intelligent, perhaps even...

Wait, that's it. We're about to see... if subject has any abilities we don't have on Earth, any...

What? ...shall we say, super powers?

Howard!

Can you bend this?

What are you, crazy? Howard... can you burn a hole through this with some kind of eye laser?

Can I bite your nose off with my super bill?

Howard, quit holding out. I want you to concentrate... and read my mind. Right. You're thinking:

"They know I'm a phony. They know I'm a yo-yo."

Tell me if I'm warm on any of these, Phil.

I want you to look into the future and tell me what you see.

I see myself walking out that door! Yeah, me too.

No, no, no, wait! You can't leave. Yeah, why not?

Because there are papers to be written, there's research to be done... and there's symposiums to give, lecture tours.

Howard, we are on our way to the Science Hall of Fame.

Look out, Darwin! Look out, Einstein! Hello, Nobel Prize!

We're not here to make you famous, Blumburtt.

Beverly, listen, I never bad-mouthed others... in the scientific fraternity, but you bring in an alien in a bag to most guys... and Whamo! They are talking.

Let's cut him into little pieces and see what color his organs are.

I just wanna know: A: What I'm doing here?

And B: How I'm gonna get back?

Piece of cake. A: I'm just the guy to help...

And that's because B, I've already got a theory.

What theory? Well, this is, of course... the evolutionary ladder showing how man progressed... from monkey, to me, for instance. You consider that progress?

Geez... You're all hairless apes? That's really disgusting.

Now, I want you both to imagine somewhere in the universe... is Howard's world. Picture it in your mind.

A world almost exactly like ours... except that the progenitor of the dominant species... was not a monkey but a duck! Some theory...

Every school duck knows this stuff!

And as duck climbed up the evolutionary ladder... he said adios to his wings. His mental capacity increases.

He begins to develop. Beverly?

Shopping malls? No, tribes.

Cro-Magnon Duck, who ultimately evolves into Howard.

Hey, Blumburtt? Blumburtt?

Come on! What the hell are you doing?

What? Don't move! Don't breathe!

Did you finish cleaning up the specimen lab?

Almost finished.

Well, get down to the Marine Lift Exhibit with a mop.

Some kid upchucked all over the fern fossils.

Right. Good as done, Dr. Chapin.

So, Philsey, you are a scientist or a janitor?

I'm a lab assistant.

That's terrific! Just perfect. Yep, I'm out of here.

Look, it's just a temporary job until I finish school and get my own museum.

Yeah, stuffed you'd make a great exhibit. Howard! Howard, wait!

Typical hairless ape. Howard, look, come on.

Don't flutter off in a huff! Beverly, listen...

I've got some important matters to clean up here, but I'll call you tonight.

I'll figure out a way to help Howard, I swear.

Just don't show him to anybody else! Yeah, they look hungry.

Get them a banana. Hide him! Take him to a movie!

I didn't know where else to go for help. Inside, Blumburtt.

Coming! Coming! Howard, why are you so pissed off?

Why? Listen, if you got blasted millions of miles through space... ended up on another planet... and were given an I.Q. test by a janitor, you'd be pissed off too!

Look, maybe you are trapped in a world you never made... but I got problems of my own. My whole career is falling apart.

Your career? What about my life?

I'm stranded here, ship wrecked! Look at this wonderful exhibit.

You see what I mean? I'm a freak. An outcast.

It's so life-like and realistic. Bug off.

Excuse me? I said, "beat it".

Mutants. You, too.

Leave me alone! What?

I don't need any more of your sympathy, your charity!

Okay. Okay, fine. I mean, I just found something...

I meet somebody in a pretty weird predicament and I was trying to help.

But if that's the way you want it, then so long, ducky!

Don't shed any tears over me, toots! You can wallow in your own self-pity!

Right! Well, who needs you?

I don't need anybody! Yeah, right.

Yeah...

Damn it! I can't sit here on my tail feathers feeling sorry for myself.

I've got to think about practical matters: Food, shelter... a job.

Now you do know why you were sent to me?

My continuing streak of bad luck?

You've been sent to me because I'm famous for finding jobs... for little slackers like you. That's right.

They send me all the psycho cases. All the misfits.

All the phonies and the fakers... who think that by traipsing in here looking outlandish... they're not gonna be able to find work!

It's my fault I gotta shoplift at the little tyke section of goodwill?

I'm not talking about your clothes, I'm talking about your face.

Hey...

You think that by looking controversial... you're never gonna find a job and just go on collecting unemployment... and living happy on the public dough.

Well, dude, you've got another think coming!

Because Cora Mae always places her interviewee.

I'm gonna find your ass a job.

That'll wipe that snarl right off your face, little whatever you is.

In fact, I think I got just the position for you!

I got a feeling you're gonna take to this job like a duck to water.

Towels, lotion?

Antibiotics?

It must be mating season.

Creepy little dude.

Hey! Shorty!

It's Howard, thank you, and I'm taking a break.

Pardon me, Your Aloneness... but we seem to have a plugged up airjet in number five.

And? And...?

And since you are supposed to be the water expert I asked for... you are going to fix it!

Oh, no...

No, no, no, wait, wait. I got a better idea! Wait, wait!

I can't swim! Whoops, kid, guess I slipped.

Don't mind me.

I leave that creepy little dude in here to clean this place up...

How am I supposed to run a class...

Guess I slipped.

Just came by to tell you:

I quit!


Excuse me. Getting off. My stop.

Hi, there. How are you? Good to see you.

Yeah, same to you!

Urban jungle! Geez!

What is that? That's a duck...

What is that thing? That's a duck, man!

Forecasting our week of fair weather for you duck hunters... and for our lucky field reporter, Steve Cannelli.

Well, Bob, it's time to dust off those decoys and practice that squawking... because duck hunting season has officially opened.

Duck hunting? The Live Wild Commission... has actually doubled the limit of ducks that can be shot.

Shot? Reaction of the local hunters... has been enthusiastic.

This duck has come to America with Duck-A-Roni.

No!

But if every hunter could blast 15 of those **** in the sky...

Hey, buddy, what's the rush?


This way is too depressing.

Okay... Give me a beat!

One, two, three, four!

Honey, I love you! I love you! Come on!

I'm right here. Beverly, I'm yours after the show. Alright.

Here's the money for the girls. I'll make sure they get it.

Yeah, I'll bet. When? When?

When Bodacious Beverly stops holding on to me.

I'm gonna invite her up to my place tonight for a little career manipulation.

I guess you must be the girls' manager. And if you are...

I don't like the way you're talking about Beverly.

And I want the girls' money!

Ritchie? Would you... What is that? Oh, look, Ginger...

I warned you when you got into rock management... you'd be dealing with entertainment types.

You know, different strokes and all that?

Hey, hey, different life styles is one thing, different life forms is another.

I'm not in a real good mood tonight, Ginger.

I want the girls' money.

Now, is this gonna be easy... or is this gonna be trouble? Hey, Ritchie... tell it to go away. I'm not up all my barnyard languages.

Okay, duck, out! You're gone! You're history!

You little wise pecker! Arrivederci, duck!

Mallard in the side pocket. Adios, quack man.

Very nicely done.

Hey, what's going on out there now?

Alright, now it's my turn! Hey, come on, duck! Take your best shot!

You got it! Ritchie!

Duck-kabob!

No!

No earring in your other ear? I'll just make the hole myself.

No, please, man, no. Man, please! Don't!

The money! Sure. Sure, here!

You take the money! Take it! It's yours! Take it!

And, you're no longer their manager!

Listen, okay. Everybody in here is a witness.

I'm letting the girls out of their contract, okay?

Tell your goons to stay back! I'm warning you!

Stay back, Ritchie! I bite your face... you're a dead man, Ginger! What are you talking about?

Space rabies!

Ritchie, is that a real disease? I don't know, Ging.

I heard something about that on the news.

That's right, space rabies! Yeah, one bite... and it's agonizing death in 15 seconds. Bite, bite, bite!

We're all music lovers, huh? God...

What a dive.

Those guys are a bunch of fools. Obviously the wrong crowd.

I'm running out of sticks to throw at people! Sucks!

Now who? Look, tell him to go away.

Down here, doll.

Is Beverly in? Wow!

Geez, you must be K.C.!

Meet Howard. Wow! Hi, oh, Howie.

We've heard so much about you. Of course, we didn't believe it.

Yo, how weird.

Hi ducky. Hi toots.

How's the world been treating you?

Guess. I was worried about you.

I missed you. Well, sex appeal...

Some guys got it... and some guys don't. Howard...

Listen, I'm sorry we fought. You're the only friend I've got here.

Hi, sorry I missed the show. I came to watch you undress, though.

And I brought a pizza.

Howard!

Boy!

Thank God you're back.

I've been working on the mystery of your arrival.

What's he doing here?

Well, he and Ronette have sort of got back together.

I don't know who's more desperate for dates, you or me.

What?

Anyway, Howard, I was talking to some astrolo-physicists.

You know, the guys who discovered that Aztecs came from Mars?

Well, these guys concluded... No!

...that you arrived here in a space craft millions of years ago... and must've remained frozen in ice. Go away!

Ronette, could you shut this boy up? Howard...

What's a pizza? It's a circular Italian food object.

Howard, I didn't buy that theory either, so I did some research... and I discovered an ancient race of large ducks worshipped by... primitive Somoans. Leave me alone!

I was barking up the wrong tree. I knew that.

But tonight I am getting concrete evidence about how you got here.

Yeah... Wait a minute. Oh, I gotta make a call.

Phil? No sex now, I'm working.

Got a place to stay tonight?

Oh, yeah, by the way, I forgot.

I had a little talk with your manager Ginger? You talked to that slime?

What for? I got your money from him.

Ducky, I can't believe this!

I also got him to agree that it was time for him to step aside as your manager.

What? You got rid of Ginger?

Mr. Duck, you're wonderful. Yeah...

This is it! I'm out of here!

Good. Howard!

I'm about to meet secretly with my colleague, and he's bringing The Feather.

What feather?

What are you talking... If it matches... it'll be the answer to all your problems. Matches? No, you don't!

Stay away from me!

You leave him alone! Let me through!

God, get a grip!

I'm about to unravel the mystery of your arrival!

Come back here, you hairless ape! You'll have time to thank me later!

Get out of here, geek! We're gonna be famous.

Are you okay? Ah, it's just my pride.

We'll go home, ducky.


Alright.

Hey!

Little tune I never finished. You play pretty good.

I had a group in high school. Howard and the Heartbreakers.

Oh, heavy, Howard, very heavy. Maybe you should be our manager.

Wait a second.

Maybe you're just the kind of bizarro-influence we need.

Forget it. No more jobs here. I think you'd be a great manager.

I'm gonna suggest it to the girls. I've given up trying to assimilate.

I've gotta get back to my own kind.

Although...

I have developed a greater appreciation... for the female version of the human anatomy.

Howard, you really are the worst.

Come on, let's watch David Letterman.

Come on.

Okey-dokey.

You know, I got a feeling my life's really gonna change... since you fell into it, ducky. Yeah, well, I'm glad somebody's happy.

If I could just get my career back on course...

I'd only have the old standard worry left.

What's that? I just can't seem to find the right man.

Maybe it's not a man you should be looking for.

You think I might find happiness in the animal kingdom, ducky?

Like they say, doll, love's strange. We could always give it a try.

Okay...

Let's go for it, Mr. Macho.

What do you mean, okay? It was a joke.

Listen, I'm pretty tired.

It's just that you're so incredibly soft and cuddly.

Bev, let's be realistic.

I mean, my apartment's zillions of miles from here.

You're three feet taller that I am.

I just can't resist your intense animal magnetism.

Whoops...

Anyway, where will it all lead? Marriage? Kids?

A house in the suburbs?

Let's just face it.

It's fate. No, it's not!

I've got a headache. And I've got the aspirin.

Be gentle.

Just one good night kiss, sweet ducky?

Come on, Howard, I was just kidding.

Good night.

My God.

This relationship... it defies all the laws of nature.

No, it doesn't.

This is not what you think. We're just very good friends.

Phil? I'm sorry. The door was open.

Who the hell are they? This is my friend Carter... and this is Dr. Walter Jenning. And I told them all about you, Howard.

You were obviously right.

Show, show him the evidence. What evidence?

We tested them, and they're both from the same fowl.

You, Howard.

My feathers? Howard, Howard, don't go beserk!

No! On my planet, we never say die... we say kill! Now, wait a minute.

Listen to me, small visitor.

I can explain how you got here.

Dr. Jenning is in charge of the Astro-Physics Lab at Dyna-Technics.

Now, on the night of September 18th. That's the night Howard landed.

Yes, now on that night we were initiating our first... full scale test of the Laser Spectra scope. This was shot during the experiment.

It was just a routine procedure meant to measure... the density of the gases that surround the Alpha Centauri.

However, part way through the experiment, there was a deviation and... we lost control of the laser spectra scope.

What do you mean, "lost control"? Some unknown force... was re-directing the laser beam from its original target... so that it hit your planet instead. Hit my planet?

How about hitting my living room? Talk about an invasion of privacy.

When the beam hit, you must have been caught up in a massive... energy inversion, which literally dragged you through space... back to the power source here on earth.

Radical. In the lab that night... we saw a single feather fall.

We weren't aware that the rest of you, Howard... had landed in that alley just two miles away.

Any questions? Yeah. Where are my pants?

Howard, where you going? To this lab of theirs.

What for? To hop back on board that laser thing.

Then all you have to do is hit the reverse lever to send me back home. Right?

Well, we hadn't considered reversing the process.

I don't think it's feasible. Me, either.

Now, wait a minute. If we could generate... a strong enough hyper-charge... You can't do that.

You mean the reflex mode might provoke a total reversal?

It just might be possible. It won't work.

Yeah. Sir.

Don't, don't listen to them, Howard. I have got you booked on A.M. Cleveland.

We can get the cover of Science Digest. We, we...

Butt Out, four-eyes. Yeah.

Look, you guys, could you really send him back?

If we did, we could establish a continuing link between our planets.

But, he would have to leave tonight while the alignment still exists.

We can't afford to wait.

You mean I'm finally gonna breeze this fly trap?

Ducky, this is what you wanted. You're going home.

Yeah. Right.

Carter, call Larry have him set up the initiation procedure.

Tell him I'll meet him at the lab right away. You and Blumburtt can bring Howard.

You are about to make history a second time, my little friend.

Thanks... but once was plenty.

Get to it. Right.

You know, Howard, we could hold out for a PBS special.

Phil!

Bev, get dressed. Aren't you gonna see me off?

Sure I am. I just hope they let you take a carry-on bag.

Look, I'm gonna put on these Polaroids that we took at the Club.

Thanks. These'll help... or the guys back home are never gonna believe me.

What's this in my bag? Souvenirs...

I'm gonna miss you a lot, ducky. Bev...

I don't belong here. You know I've gotta go.

Yeah.

Lily had the dolphins. Cousteau, the whales.

Goudall the gorillas. I had a duck.

I could have been a contender.

Bev? I'm not a real sentimental guy.

No, I bet you were born from a very hard-boiled egg, ducky.

Yeah. But, I do keep wondering...

Of all the alleys in the world I could have fallen into that night...

Why did it have to be yours?

Because, right now... you're the one and only thing that's making it very hard for me to leave.

There's no guard. We should go back then, huh?

Phil!

What? Drive.

What are these alarms?

Something's happened. What's happened?

I don't know.

That is really cool. Right. Hold it!

Security!

My eyes! My eyes!

It exploded again! It was terrible!

We have no right to tamper with the universe.

This does not hold well.

Is he okay?

Get out of the way! It's still hot!

Get them out of here! Head for the emergency exits!

Howard, where are you going?

Larry, where's Dr. Jenning? Carter, come here. Let me show you this.

He was pre-activating the laser spectra-scope.

We lost control again and there was another explosion.

And, Jenning caught the full force of the blast this time.

Is he alright? Where is he?

You see the bottom of the spectra scope blew it to the wall... and Jenning just... just disappeared. Excuse me.

But is this gonna delay my take-off?

Is that... is that it? That's unbelievable!

Yeah. We brought Howard down the first time, but what if...

My God, Larry, what if we brought down something else this time?

We're rounding up all the scientists for you in the lab, sir... but I think you better take a look at this other... this other thing first.

A thing... Hansen?

Is that kind of precise, descriptive techniques they're teaching Rookies nowadays? A thing?

I wanna know what they're doing with Howard...

Excuse me, are you in charge here? Yeah. Why?

Well, I wanna know why they're harassing Howard.

Who's Howard?

He had nothing to do with it. Howard, Howard is just an innocent... thing? No, duck!

Just an innocent duck?

They wonder why I'm asking for an early retirement.

You deal with this. Wait a second, you can't...

Kirby, you got a "thing" in here, huh?

Thing.

I've had enough! I wanna see my lawyer.

I've got rights, you know? I'm suing.

Yeah.

Goddamnit, Hansen, get in here and get this friggen duck suit off this nut!

Sir!

Alright, get him! Hey, hey, let me go! You big oafs!

On my planet we never say die, we say...

Not my shorts! Why not?

You perverts!

Lieutenant? Lieutenant, there's no zipper.

There's no buttons. No velcro, sir.

I think the suspect's stuff is like inboard, sir.

Yeah. I think he's for real. If your goons are finished!

Let go on me!

I'd like a word with those so-called scientists out there!

Oh, yeah? What about? About when they can rev up that machine... and send me back home. Listen, Howard...

I'm gonna go talk to the scientists out there.

You are gonna go play sitting duck in a jail cell.

Lieutenant, what's the charge, sir? Illegal alien.

Come on.

I'll get the car. Alright.

Oh, a cigar! Alright, that's how it starts.

Police brutality!

Hey, stop manhandling him! Hey, you can't come in here.

Here's another one already lift.

Oh, nuts, I dropped my cigar. What?

Fire!

Fire... Oh, geez, that's all I need.

So long, copper!

Desperate ducks commit desperate acts!

Freeze!

Book him, ducko!

Give her the keys to the cuffs, flatfoot!

Yeah.

What are you doing here tonight? You got no ID.

Lieutenant? What?

The duck got away.

Shut up, fool! Get him out of here!

Over here on the double. Okay. I want this guy.

The suspect is three foot one inches tall.

Three-two, thank you. You heard me.

He's armed. That means he's got a weapon, right?

That also means he's dangerous. Moi?

Extremely dangerous.

Shoot to kill!

Let's move it out! Come on!

Richard, come with me.

Okay...

Let's go.

No, don't shoot. We give up!

Time out! We surrender.

Dr. Jenning? What?

More cops. Come on, hurry! What?

Come here. Get over here, Doc.

Howard, Howard... What?

The laser spectra-scope malfunctioned again.

There was a tremendous explosion and then...

I must have blacked out. Then suddenly I find myself out here.

Are they after you? Does "shoot to kill" sound serious?

I'm probably finished, too.

Those experiments were unauthorized.

They're probably gonna blame me.

Oh, my God, he needs help.

Maybe we all should get out of here. You got a car, doc?

What's wrong with me? There's the back gate.

Good, there's no cops. I don't have a gate key.

You've got a foot, don't you? So step on it.

Lieutenant, a car crashed out the back gate.

Headed towards Highway 5. Alright, get out an all points.

Bulletin right now. Yes, sir!

How the hell am I gonna explain a manhunt for a duck?

It's a duck hunt. Hansen, please, don't start. Please?

Can't you understand? I'm telling you I saw something!

Doc, you're in shock from the explosion.

And you're imagining things. Watch where you're going, damn it!

Listen, an evil has landed. The world is in great danger.

Yeah, it certainly is when you're out on the highway.

Look out!

You're gonna get us killed.

It feels like something inside me gnawing at my guts!

What's wrong with me? Well, what did you have for lunch?

Oh, boy! Oh, boy!

Come on, give us a break! Don't close your eyes.

The pain.

It's like I'm transforming inside.

I'm afraid I'm about to become something else.

Oh, great, like a sex change or something. Something's growing inside me.

It's replicating and superseding all my internal organs!

Well, we'll stop at a bathroom, huh?

That monster's shape I saw.

No!

Jenning! It's inside my body.

This guy's delirious. He's not making any sense.

It's too late. The end of the world is coming... and I will be the cause of it.

Jenning, slow down! Steer, you big yo-yo! Steer!

Howard, step on the brake! Step on the brake!

Oh, no! White line, wrong way.

The brake! Push, Beverly, push! I'm trying!

I'm dead.

Yes, you are.

You think that's funny, Jenning? I'm not Jenning any more.

The transformation is complete. I am now someone else.

Try telling that to your insurance company.

I think he needs come coffee. Come on.

Oh, after you.

Hey! Sorry.

This is why I hate the night shift.

I'm sorry, we don't allow pets on the premises.

Hey, have a heart. Seeing eye duck.

Touching, isn't he?

Not so tight. What are you doing? Falling in love?

Yeah, sit down.

I need a beer bad. Gotta find a waitress.

Yeah.

Hey, honey! You! Yeah, I'm coming.

Here she comes. Wow!

Your kid's costume is really radical. I'll bet he's crazy about...

It... Yeah, I'm very attached to him.

Your dad's sort of in his own space. What do you think he'd like to eat?

I no longer need human food.

I know it's a drag... but you're gonna have to order some food if you wanna sit here, so... how about the specials on the menu?

You are about to witness the end of the old world... and the birth of the new.

Hey, is he like one of those TV-Evangelists or something?

Yeah... Or something.

I'm gonna kill somebody. It's okay, Howard.

Why don't we just have three specials and three beers?

Right.

Poor girl. Listen... Dr. J.!

If you could tune back into reality for a second.

I don't understand anything you're talking about.

All I know is I need that laser machine to get me home.

Is it still working, Jenning? Jenning!

I told you, bird brain, I am not Jenning any more!

I am now one of the Dark Overlords of the universe.

Dark Overlord of the universe? That must be quite a responsibility.

Tonight the laser beam hit the Nexus of Sominus.

What is that? A suburb of Cleveland?

It lies beyond the planets. It is a region of demons... to which we Dark Overlords were exiled eons ago.

I hope you're getting all this. Howard, what I'm getting is... that this man is very, very sick.

Just as you were brought down here accidentally.

Tonight, the laser beam released me... from that region of demons and pulled me down into that lab.

Small universe...

During the explosion I entered Jenning's body.

So...

I have disguised my true form... which would be considered hideous and revolting here.

Lucky for the people eating.

You ordered the specials, what's wrong?

This will mean the extinction of all existing life forms.

But you haven't even tasted it yet. What do you think?

I'm into cannibalism or something? Hey.

Are we like all in the same discussion here?

I'll give you a hint, doll. What's white, ovoid... and always reminds me of my birthday? I don't know.

The eggs! Get them out of here!

Gosh!

You know, hostility is like psychic boomerang.

I can't believe this planet! Fried eggs. Yuck!

Just bring the beer! Howard? Howard!

What happened? How the hell did you do that?

My powers are growing. Watch out!

It is time now. What's that?

It is the code key. It will activate the laser spectra scope... when I use it tonight to bring down the other Dark Overlords.

The others? Now he's got a whole gang.

Well, screw them. I got dibs on the laser first.

Gimme that code key. That's my ticket home!

Look at his hand! It's nothing. Look at his face!

Yes. Soon the Dark Overlords will engulf the Earth.

Nothing human will remain here. Nothing duck's remaining here either!

Move, we're going! You will get the check?

Hate to eat and run. Hello there.

Get out of the way. Hey, look the talking duck.

Bug off! Lord, what is that?

You jackass, he's a ventriloquist.

This guy here is doing the talking and this here's the dummy.

Go ahead, say something, dummy!

You might not wanna hear what I'll say, Bozo!

Did you make him say that, jerk-off?

Leave him alone! He was just in an industrial accident.

So take a hike, Cowboy! You...

You're a dead duck! Hey!

What's this? The key to your duck-mobile? Gimme that or you're gonna be sorry.

Better watch out, he's a master of quack-foo!

I'll quack-foo him!

Come on, Bev, run!

All nice! Going up!

I'm sorry!

Howard! Howard!

This one's for you, cracker!

Good shot! Good shot! Another hungry customer!

You... Toro, toro! Olé!

I'm gonna get you, you dumb duck!

Hey, boy!

Call the police! Not the police!

Call somebody else! They're gonna hurt Howard.

An evil unlike any you can imagine is about to engulf the Earth.

Oh, no, no, we have fights in here all the time.

Your order is ready. Are you gonna just sit there?

She took my eggs! One special!

Howard! Beverly!

Howard! Jenning!

I could use some help here, buddy! Come on, let's get out of here!

Howard?

You're not getting away now, you stinking little bird!

Hands off my feathers! Put me down! Put me down right now!

Put him down!

Howard may be a duck but you people are animals!

He's my boyfriend!

That's disgusting.

You don't make me proud to be a human!

Let me just pay the check and I'm out of here.

Freeze! I can't believe that you're just sitting here.

Look what they're doing to Howard!

Oh, geez! Chicken fry!

Where's the SPCA when you need them?

I am not amused! I'm gonna barbecue your bill, bird.

Oh, Great Duck in Heaven, this is the end of Howard.

There's gonna be more violence! I hate violence!

You gotta go in there and beat them up.

Jenning! Jenning, don't just sit there! This is serious!

They're gonna cook me! Take that!

Stuff him! Any last words?

Yeah, Jenning!

He's my favorite duck. You hardly know him.

Jenning! They're seasoning me! Wait, you better let me up.

You don't wanna get my friend angry! Oh, yeah? Why?

Because he's one of the Dark Overlords of the universe.

And he can destroy you and the Earth, everything.

Yeah, well, I didn't buy it at first either.

Look, they're laughing at you and they've got Mr. Code Key.

Oh, my God!

One, two... Wait a minute! Jenning!

Look! I warned you! Here he comes!

He must have ate the chili. Release the small water fowl!

Bring me the code key, Howard. Right! The code key!

You heard him! Cut me loose!

Sounds like a brunch of bull-puckie to me!

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

Are you okay, Howard? Yes.

Enough of this crap! You, out of here!

If you can't take the heat, get out of that kitchen!

Where's the code key? It's closing time!

The code key! It's not nice to fool with the Dark Overlord.

They get the point, Jenning! Get out of the way!

Now's our chance. Yeah, come on. This way.

Cut it out, Howard.

Going somewhere? Yeah, without you!

Move the table out of the way! I can't, it's stuck!

What's wrong?

Howard, get down from there!

Like I'm doing this on purpose? Give me the code key!

Yeah? What if I don't?

Can't you take a joke? Geez, you broke my head.

I will now bring down the other Dark Overlords.

Hey, what about me?

You filthy scum bucket!


Run!

No! Beverly!

Beverly?

Look out!

You killed him! You killed him!

Beverly, I'll find you!

I need your body. Creep, I've heard that one before!

The Dark Overlords cannot exist on this planet... unless they grow inside a human body. God, no!

I hurt! Need energy.

Watch out!

More energy!

That's the grossest! I'm gonna puke!

Oh, God!

There was this big guy and this girl and this little kid.

At least I thought it was a little kid.

Then I flashed on reality, right! Bam! Halloween's not till next month.

I know my rights. Where's my baseball cap?

Shut up! Bastards!

No handle...

Philsey!

Philsey!

Philsey! It's me.

Howard.

Howard, I got arrested at the plant. I'm gonna have a criminal record.

Jenning kidnapped Beverly.

He's taking her back to that science lab.

What? Why? He's some kind of monster.

He's gonna bring down more of his buddies. He's got big plans.

Like taking over Earth. Philsey, we gotta get out of here.

Howard, this door doesn't have any handles...

Get a rock or something and break this window.

Rock? Window.

Let me try the door first.

How we getting out of here? Come on.

Philsey, where we goin'?

Hey, over here.

It'll be dawn soon. Hey, let's steal a cop car.

Don't you think that would be a little conspicuous?

Hitchhike? Cab? What is that?

Geez! It looks like an airplane.

Well, it will be. We can put it together in no time.

Somebody's weekend hobby's gonna get us back to that lab.

Hey, we've got a saying on my planet.

If God intended us to fly, he wouldn't have taken away our wings.

That's really profound, Howard. Could you find the tool box?

Yeah, I know why you want a tool box. You got a screw loose.

Power.

Oh, no...

They just spotted the duck and the kid.

Where? Behind the warehouse next door.

They're about to take off. What do you mean, "take off"?

It's not doing anything. Cops!

Come on, push forward on the throttle! Okay, yeah.

Full throttle! Full throttle!

Cops, Philsey! 180, Howard.

Right.

One away!

Go! Go!

Come on! Hurry! Come on!

There's cops everywhere! Not in the air, Howard! Up, up!

Look out!

Prepare for a take-off.

No, no!

Follow them! Bring them down and bring them back!

I want that duck! Dead or alive!

It's south-southwest, Howard! What?

That way. Stay low!

Beverly, I'm coming to get you, sweetheart!


Help me! Help! Somebody help me! Please, help me!

Please watch your step.

I think you're all gonna find this very interesting.

You know, honestly, congressman... this three-mile-island-China-syndrome- meltdown-stuff, that's all history.

The only melt downs around here are the cheese sandwiches in the toaster oven.

Whoa... These Washington guys take a real beating on these junkets.

Our nuclear reactor is pumping out one million kilowatts of power.

One million kilowatts...

power! Yes, sir.

Listen, I think we could all use a cup of coffee.

Help! Somebody help me, please! Help!


Let's go! Come on! Go, go!

Run! Run! Run!

I feel much better.

Now look at that! Right pedal! Right pedal!

Damn it, that was too close! I'm just learning here!

Howard, in pre-historic times you flew.

Fly, Howard! Find your instincts. Trust your birdness. Fly!

Howard, pull up! Pull up!

Touch down! Great landing, Howard... but this isn't gonna get us to the lab.

You said to follow my instincts. This is my nesting instinct.

Oh, no!

I'm flying blind here. Shut up! You're not flying at all!

Let her rip! Bombs away!

Pull it up, Howard, were running outta land!

Wet stuff ahead! Watch out!


Death from the sky to all duck hunters!

Tora, tora, tora!

Vengeance is mine! Yeah!

Howard!

Banzai!

Slow down. Slow down here.

Hey! Hey, you, pull over here!

This is a smog device inspection.

And I need... Shut off the engine! It is off! Somebody's pushing!

Shut it down! Shut it down! What the hell is wrong with you?

I wanna see your license, Jack! I have no license, I am not Jack.


Smog inspection!

What happened?

We gotta get outta here!

Damage report, Philsey! Fuel hose is busted!

Rotor is wasted. Basically, we're dying here, Howard.

I'm bailing out! No, you're not!

You're gonna get up there and fix this lawn mower now!

Philsey, how's it going? I'm getting close.

I'm on top of it! Good.

Relax, Howard, I almost got it!

Philsey, I did a loop-the-loop. I'm getting good at this! I'm...

Howard!

Up, Howard!

Up!

Geez, I thought I lost you.

Philsey, this is no time for water sports.

I'm just kidding, big guy.

Please, scum, let me go!

Philsey, get back up here! I'm trying!

No, no, don't shoot! I'm an innocent hostage!

The duck's a lunatic! What?

He's a duck terrorist! He hijacked the plane!

Howard, pull it up!

Welcome back, Philsey! Thanks, it's great to be back, Howard!

Will you watch the road, damn it?

Hey, another car. No big deal!

Yes, big deal! Big... What?

Big, big, big...

No wings. Welcome to the club.

Coming through!

That was a lot of fun. I'd like to get off now.

Slow down.

Slow down!

Relax, I'll just throttle this baby back.

Yikes!

Philsey! I better tell you now. What?

I can't swim!

Philsey, help! Philsey, help me!

Never heard of a duck that couldn't swim.

Shut up and save me!

We've been through hell!

Now, if there's some kind of monster in here... Howard this is crazy!

Phil, no duck is an island and if fate sent me here to save Earth... then Howard the Duck is ready to fight!

Damn!

Yikes!

He's starting the spectra scope. Geez...

He's gonna bring down another Dark Overlord.

We gotta get Beverly outta there. Hey, take it easy, Conan.

What are you gonna fight him with? We gotta find some kind of... Wait!

Carter showed me something here once that might do it, if we can find it!

You'll never get away with this!

We'll find it! Come on, Philsey!

You don't scare me!

Oh, boy, defense research! This is it! This is it! This is locked!

Okay, I know where it is. It's on the right or the left or the...

There it is. The neutron disintegrator.

And a big lock. Rats!

Okay, alright.

Turn me into a Dark Overlord. I'll still spit in your wormy face!

Welcome to Dyna-Technics. Authorized personnel only.

Please insert code key. Authorized personnel only.

Thank you. Hello Dr. Jenning.

Please select your target and enter target coordinates.

Thank you. Laser spectra scope is now targeting the Nexus of Sominus.

Targeting is in process.

Come on, Philsey! Hit it harder!

Way to go!

Hurry up! The neutron disintegrator... was developed for the Army until he cost overance... became really embarrassing... Can it stop Jenning?

Theoretically yes. Unfortunately it's never been tested.

Attention, all personnel, please leave the station... while laser doors are opening.

Please, initiate spectra scope extension.

Target is now locked. Target is now locked.

Is this like stick-shift or automatic?

Howard, you have to get into firing range without him seeing you!

Right. I'll sneak up on him and then I'll blast him!

Do you wish to bring the laser to full power?

Dr. Jenning, I repeat:

Do you wish to bring the laser to full power?

Thank you.

What's this do? No, Howard, that's the accelerator!

Howard!

You're in big trouble now! Shut up!

Run, Howard! He's in a bad mood!

Come on, Philsey, move! Let's crank her up!

Hurry! Where's that button?

It won't start!

Watch out! Jump, Howard!

This is our only chance! Get outta there.

Duck! And proud of it!


Philsey, you saved my life!

Are you all right?

Terrific, Howard. It still won't start!

Try the seat belt, Howard. Seat belt?

Watsabe misua!

You little pond hopper.

Go, Howard, go!

Talk about bad breath!

Turn it! Charge!


Now it's my turn.

Dark Overlord, I want you!

Prepare to eat beak!

So long, sucker!

Howard!

No!

Howard?

Howard?

Oh, boy! Howard?

Howard! You're alright?

I need this like I need another tail!

You did it! Hey! Get me down from here!

Come on!

Dr. Jenning? Howard, it's not...

It's not what? The evil's not inside me any more.

The explosion must have released it and it's loose!

What about me? The Dark Overlord is still here.

Well, then I suggest we get Beverly and get the hell outta here!

Philsey, get her down from there!

What took you so long? Nothing. Just got arrested... shot at, handcuffed... I got thrown out of an airplane!

Guys? He stuck his tongue in a cigarette lighter!

Cigarette lighter? That's really disgusting!

Guys? What?


Oh, my God!

Phil, Phil. Get up! Get up!

It's coming! It's coming! I was just resting.

Look!

There will be no escape!

Good boy, stay back! Stay back. Oh, boy!

Howard!

There goes Howard! We've gotta help Howard, Phill!

What? Yeah, gotta help Howard! We gotta help!

Come on. Howard! Here we go!

Going somewhere, Howard?

There's no escape. Philsey! Dr. Jenning! Mother!

Do you wish to active the laser? Yes.

Thank you, Dr. Jenning.

He started the activation sequence. He's gonna bring down more of them.

You may fire when ready.

Four minutes to arrival.

Philsey, Beverly, anybody! Help!

Three minutes, thirty seconds to arrival.

Howard! Here!

Alright!

Slice salami!

Yuck!

Did you lose something?

Alien specimens are arriving in laboratory in three minutes.

Alright!


Eat claw, duck!

Two minutes to arrival. Belt, butt, trigger!

One minute, thirty seconds to arrival.

Puny little duck!


Yeah!

One minute to arrival.

Howard!

There's more coming down.

The machine, Howard. You've got to destroy it! Blast it!

Get them!

No, Howard, don't!

You'll never get home. Thirty seconds to arrival.

Get them!

Goodbye, Duck World. Get outta there. Run!

Come on! Ten seconds and counting to arrival.

Over here! Ten, nine, eight... seven, six, five, four... three, two, one... arrival.


Howard!

Oh, no...

I don't know where you are now... but I hope you're happier there.

This world didn't treat you very good... but you saved it, didn't you?

Howard?

I am not Howard anymore.

Geez! All this smoke, it's murder on the sinuses.

Fooled you, didn't I?

Howard... It's alright, toots.

Well, alright, I'd like to dedicate this song to our new manager!

Go!


Alright, get the mechanical. We're gonna release the big wave-0.

Cue and ready. Cue and go!

Howard, Howard. Help me out! Yeah?

Release that rope there! Gotcha!

Not that one! Philsey, what's going on?

Get me down from here! I've done enough flying. Philsey!

Philsey!

Philsey, do you realize I could have been killed up there?

What's this? Rock 'n' Roll!

Right!

Give me four!

Yeah!

Big, big, baby.

Is that hot enough for you?

Hit a purple "A" for you all.


Do it!

That's me!

Thank you! Thank you! We love ya!

Howard, Howard, Howard, Howard! Thank you!

We love you!

Not bad for a duck from outer space.

You were great, ducky.