Hudson Hawk (1991) Script

Long ago, the duke of Milan commissioned a little-known artist...

...to erect a mammoth statue of a horse.

The time was 1481.

The artist was Leonardo da Vinci.

The guy on the donkey is just a guy on a donkey.

Anyway, they called this statue the Sforza...

...and it was gonna be the largest bronze statue ever built.

But wouldn't you know it...

...war broke out, and bronze became scarce.

So da Vinci decided to create a machine...

...to change common lead into bronze.

But when da Vinci finally turned this machine on...

...it was to give him something more than he expected.

Something much more than bronze.

Leonardo, che pazzo!

[Speaking Italian]

[Workers shouting in Italian]

[Busy chatter in Italian]

[Instruction shouted in Italian]

[Workers speaking Italian]

[Instruction given in Italian]


Gold. Gold.

[Speaking Italian]

[Frustrated comments made in Italian]


[Worker calls out in Italian]

[Greets in Italian]

[Speaking Italian]

[Pilot screams in Italian]

[Speaking Italian]


Exactly 500 years later...

...an artiste of a different field...

The one of cat burglary.

Was getting out of Sing Sing.

He was known as the Hudson Hawk.

Got a coat, hat.

Here's your personal items.

Here's your wallet.

I think you'll find everything in there.

Don't you want your receipt?

Keep it. Ready?

I got it, Charlie.

Eddie. Eddie.

So the Hudson Hawk is finally getting out.

Remember all the reporters that here when you came in?

"World's greatest cat burglar."

Now who gives a fuck?

I got a proposition for you.

Answer's no, Gates. Even if you bathe.

Listen, smartass, as your parole officer, I found you a job.

No way. It's a terrific job. An auction house.

One night's work, and you're free.

No checking in with a shrink. No more community service.

But I want to do community service.

I want to teach the handicapped how to yodel.

I ain't stealing no more, Gates.

Ten years later, you're still impressed with yourself.

Same old coat, same old hat. You're extinct, Hawk.

Coming from you, that's a powerful statement.

Look, aren't you supposed to stop me from committing crimes.

You know, "Book 'em, Danno." "Give a hoot, don't pollute."

You ain't out yet, wise guy.

I can set you up and send you back any time I want.

It's a very fine line between ex-con and escaped con.

Hey, Gates, do it yourself.

Hey! He's got my keys!

I'll be seeing you, Hawk!

Open the gate!

See you around, Mike. Take it easy, Eddie.

That's the first thing I did:

Smooch the ground and taste the freedom.

Sorry I'm late, Eddie. I miss anything?

As always, your timing is impeccable.

Where's the kiss? Get away from me.

No tongue this time, I promise.

Whoa.

What?

Looks like you been expanding your... Don't say it, Eddie!

I'm incredibly sensitive about my fucking figure.

My next word was gonna be "consciousness"...

...tubbo.

You're free, you son of a bitch!

Now that you're born again, what do you wanna do?

Statue of Liberty? Entertain some ladies?

Broadway tix? Seduce some women?

Play Nintendo? Bone some chicks?

What's Nintendo?

Just get me to the Five Tone, Tommy.

I don't get a cappuccino soon, I'll strangle somebody.

You still got a thing for those unmasculine European coffees?

What can I say? Who's your buddy?

The man knows! The man knows!

So, Mr. Coffee, you have any trouble checking out?

Not much.

Gates just tried to blackmail me into doing a job.

That doughnut-hole-eating, son of a bitch...

...take-it-in-the-ear-for-a-beer rat bastard!

Had the perfect amount of foam.

Come on, I'll get you 10 of them back at the bar.

An auction house? Gates wants you to rob an auction house?

Yes, an auction house. What are you, going deaf?

He's your parole officer, for Christ's sake. And, look, I am not going deaf.

Tommy, just get me in the Five Tone.

Yeah, all right.

"Going deaf." Don't make fun of my hearing, right?

Tell you something about the bar. You're gonna love it.

Five Tone Bar and Grill.

At least I know there's one thing that will never cha...

I don't know how to tell you this, Eddie.

Couple of brokers stopped in for Stoli spritzers one night.

Now we're a nice local bar that none of the locals can afford.

I read about these people in Newsweek.

Where's all the regulars?

Where's Crazy Jeff Cava? Gone.

Where's Ed Kranepool's autograph? Gone, Eddie.

Tommy, you took down Captain Bob's steering wheel?

Eddie, Eddie, they're all gone.

But look at the bright side:

Half this joint is yours.

Hey, Blackjack! Give my irritable partner a cappuccino.

I gotta go be a boss.

Give me a Scotch and water. Thanks.

Reindeer goat cheese pizza?! Yo!

Thank you, Jesus. Thank you.


Cute shot, Antony.

Cesar Mario. Antony Mario.

I didn't know the circus was in town.

So why won't you do the auction house?

Well, call me superstitious, Cesar.

I don't like to commit a crime within 24 hours of getting out of the joint.

It's very simple. There's a safe on the seventh floor.

You take their thingy and you put it in this thingy.

Directions even your brother could understand.

Yeah, directions even I could understand.

Shut up.

Hawk, you're the best.

You're the only one who can do this job. You know that.

Don't tell me a lot of horse shit, you wanna open up a hardware store...

...go straight and sell spatulas.

You know Cesar, if the Mario brothers weren't New Jersey's third-largest crime family...

...I'd say kiss my ass.

But considering your status, I will say slurp my butt.

Sit. Sit.

Have you lovely ladies tried our house wine?

I think you'll enjoy. Beat it, Tommy.

No dinosaurs allowed.

Enough!

You don't do that auction house job, I'm gonna put you on trial...

...and I promise you, my friend...

...there will be no bailiff.

You understand?

Get him out of here.

"Witchcraft." Three minutes, 57 seconds.

"Night and Day"? Frank Sinatra or Ella Fitzgerald?

Sinatra. Five minutes, 12 seconds.

"Hit the Road, Jack."

Tommy, where are my needle-nose pliers?

Check the bar. "Hit the Road, Jack."

Five minutes, 15 seconds.

How the hell could you take this down, man? Captain Bob's steering wheel?

Don't you remember the night he came in? Nobody could figure out where he got this thing.

Eddie, Eddie, Eddie.

Yes? Quiet. Come here.

We got a nasty little safe on the seventh floor here.

Simpson? Yeah.

What's the mechanism? Seventy-one.

Last time I went to bat, Simpson only made a 40.

So it's gonna take you another extra 31 seconds to seduce it.

I'm not worried about the safe, Tommy. I know you're not worried about it.

What about these guards? We know any of these guys?

No.

Not one? Not one. No.

Well, what about the video surveillance? I have a plan.

Oh, you got a plan. I have a great plan.

Great.

What the hell am I doing?

Huh? What the hell am I doing? I'm getting ready to do some crime.

Go rob some fakakta horse with you?

All right, Eddie...

I should be out there getting myself a Daily News, looking in the "Want Ads" trying to get a job selling spatulas.

We're moving too fast, Eddie.

You see, I'm putting out a fire with kerosene.

What is that? That's five seconds. My record's 18.

Is this funny?

You think this is some kind of fucking joke?

How many seconds? How many what seconds?

On the thumbcuffs.

Not counting the bitching and whining, I'll be nice and say eight.

You know, they're not gonna let you walk away from this job, kiddo.

I ain't never gonna get rehabilitated this way, Tommy.

You think you still got it, Eddie?

Yeah. That's what I'm afraid of.

"Mack the Knife"? Four minutes, 17 seconds.

"I Only Have Eyes for You."

Why, Tommy, I didn't know you cared.

Three minutes, 22 seconds.

"Xanadu." "Xanadu"?

"Xanadu." Four minutes, 19 seconds.

"Star-spangled Banner." Whitney Houston, Super Bowl XVI I.

Hi. Hi, Hank.

Seven minutes, 17 seconds. You're full of shit.

Let me ask you something. What?

How come I'm not out trying to get laid tonight?

Eddie, you're bumming my high.

Come on. It's show time.

Tommy, hold on. Hold on a minute.

The sign here says "no horseplay in the pool area."

This isn't horseplay.

This is a major felony.


Come on, Grandpa.

Hey, Tommy. What?

Give me one good reason why we're up here.

I can give you two: Antony Mario and Cesar Mario.

Well, you don't really think that they're gonna...

Cut off our balls if we don't do the job.

I see.

Let me ask you something else. What?!

Did you have dinner tonight? Why?

Because this rope only holds 900 pounds.

Eddie, stop fooling around! I'm not fooling around.

You are! You're fooling around!

Pick me up. Pick me up. All right, all right.

Come on. I wish you'd lay off the pasta.

What are you doing? What are you doing?!

Covering our tracks. We leave through the basement.

Well, now we have no choice, do we?

What? I better make the hole a little bigger.

Don't worry, bonehead. I'm wearing my girdle.


Six hundred and seventy-three Wongs in the phone book.

That's a hell of a lot of "Wong" numbers.

Look up "Chin."

That's it.

You got a key? No.

Just checking.


They record everything video surveillance takes in.

Yes, I can see that, master thief.

I thought you said something about a plan.

Oh, am I boring you, smartass?

Hey, Jerry, check out Big Stan.

Watch this.

Big Stan!

Now watch. A little rewind and replay...

...and the guards are gonna be watching a rerun...

...and they're gonna miss out on tonight's exciting episode.

You figure this out by yourself? Yeah.

Good plan, junior.

We got about five minutes and change.

Five thirty-two, "Swinging on a Star."

You know the invented something while you were inside. It's called a watch.

Hey, Tommy. What?

Shh.

One, two.

One, two, three.

♪ Would you like to swing on a star ♪

♪ Carry moonbeams home in a jar ♪

♪ And be better off than you are ♪

♪ Or would you rather be a mule ♪

♪ A mule is an animal with long funny ears ♪

♪ He kicks up at anything he hears ♪

♪ His back is brawny and his brain is weak ♪

♪ He's just plain stupid with a stubborn streak ♪

♪ And by the way, if you hate to go to school ♪

♪ You may grow up to be a mule ♪

♪ Oh, would you like to swing on a star ♪

♪ Carry moonbeams home in a jar ♪ They're all back on.

♪ And be better off than you are ♪

♪ Or would you rather be a fish ♪

♪ A fish is an animal that swims in a brook ♪

♪ He can't write his name or read a book ♪

♪ To fool the people is his only thought ♪

♪ And though he's slippery he still gets caught ♪

♪ If that sort of life is what you wish ♪

♪ You may grow up to be a fish ♪

♪ Oh, would you like to swing on a star ♪

♪ Carry moonbeams home in a jar ♪

♪ And be better off than you are ♪

♪ Or would you rather be a pig ♪

♪ A pig is an animal with dirt on his face ♪

♪ His shoes are a terrible disgrace ♪

♪ He's got no manners when he eats his food ♪

♪ He's fat and lazy and extremely rude ♪

♪ But if you don't care a feather or a fig ♪

♪ You may grow up to be a pig ♪

♪ And all the monkeys aren't in the zoo ♪

♪ Every day you see quite a few ♪

♪ So you see, it's all up to you ♪

♪ You could be better than you are ♪

♪ You could be swingin' on a star ♪ You got the horse, Ed? I just got out of jail yesterday...

...and I'm robbing an auction house. Let's go, Hawk.

Hey, Dean, I don't get it.

I'm looking at the auction room, and I see that little blue chair.

I didn't wanna do it. All I wanted was a cappuccino.

Snap out of it!

You think that's strange, check out screen two.

Hey, that's us.

Somebody rewired the recorders. Shit!

I hold you responsible, Tommy.

♪ You could be swinging on a star ♪ Let's take it home.

♪ You could be swinging on a star ♪♪

Hey!

Let's go out the back way. Keep those ideas coming.

Get up. You're embarrassing me.

Would you get going! Come on, go!

Go, go, go. Easy with that.

Come on! Beat it, Tommy! Come on!

I can't tell you how happy I am that we covered our tracks.

Can I ask a question? What?

I'm not as fat as that guard, am I?

Oh, no. You're a slender reed compared to that guard.

Come on, Slim Jim.

Hudson Hawk gets the chair of honor.

Good job. Not pretty, but good.

All this trouble for a horsey.

I may not know art, but I know what I like.

You certainly do. So...

...when's this Sebastian Cabot Buckingham Palace-looking, butler-head motherfucker getting here?

Any minute now, dear Mr. Gates.

Sorry, Jeeves. May I?

Exquisite.

Leonardo da Vinci's last commission for the duke of Milan.

Irreplaceable.

Hey, Mr. French. I'm...

What the...? What.?

Ah, yes...

You son of a bitch.

I stuck my neck out setting this up for you limey bastards.

Now, where's my cut?

So much for his cut.

Forgive my dry British humor.

You know, I think Gates promised Hawk a cut too.

Lovely work, Alfred. You taking the Concorde back?

Always, Mr. Mario.

I'm really racking up those frequent-flier points.

Ta-ta, Hudson Hawk.

Yo, Five-Tone.

Did I miss anything?

Gates tries to blackmail me. You ask me, "Did I miss anything?"

Gates gets killed.

You say, "Did I miss anything?"

I bet you'd go up to Mrs. Lincoln at the Ford Theatre:

And say, "How was the show? Did I miss anything?"

You may wanna get this looked at. Jeez, Gates was killed?

So who do we send a thank-you note to?

The butler did it.

Guy was a cross between Alistair Cooke and a Cuisinart.

Took Mr. Ed, Humpty-Dumptied it over Gates' head, and get this:

He said it was made by Leonardo... Da Vinci's Sforza.

I consider it to be the prize...

...of tonight's auction of objets d'equestrian.

Horse things.

All right, Mr. PBS, you got me.

Morning edition.

It says here, two thieves attempted to steal it last night...

...but thanks to three brave guards, it will be ready for tonight.

Attempted?

I didn't wanna steal the goddamned thing in the first place, but I do have my pride.

I don't understand this.

Why try? Forget about it.

Because I'm tired of not understanding things. Cops, Mafia...

...butlers forcing me to steal something which now it appears I didn't steal after all.

It's all too goddamn peculiar, Tommy.

Let me ask you something. What?

How much does a new tuxedo cost?

A fantastic example of Florentine bronze.

Now, who will start at 140,000?

Hundred-and-forty thousand.

Hundred-and-sixty thousand?

Seventy? Eighty? Ninety thousand.

Two hundred?

Twenty.

Forty.

Two-hundred-and-fifty thousand.

Two-hundred-and-fifty thousand? Sixty thousand?

Seventy? Eighty?

Ninety? Three hundred thousand. Three-ten.

Sold.

You know, after all these years...

...I still get goose bumps coming to these auctions.

The paintings, the sculptures...

Things that aren't really paintings or sculptures.

Pretentious vultures who never look up from their calculators to see what they're buying.

Now, that gives me goose bumps.

Auctions are disgusting.

I couldn't agree more.

Savages.

Now, lot 15.

An equestrian piece attributed to the Trillini school.

Now, who will start at 250,000?

Two-hundred-fifty thousand. Eighty thousand.

Thank you, sir.

Three hundred thousand. Three-twenty.

Three-forty thousand.

No more on 340,000?

Sold once. Twice.

Sold.

And finally, lot number 17.

Thought to be lost in the war, and again last night.

The da Vinci Sforza, the jewel of the sale.

Fantastic.

Is looking like a constipated warthog...

...a prerequisite for getting a job in the art world?

Doctoressa Anna Baragli of the Vatican. Doc?

Some of us warthogs are more constipated than others.

Oh, shit.

Perfection.

The Vatican extends its jealousy to the lucky bidder.

Thank you, doctor.

We'll begin the bidding at $20 million. To you, sir.

Twenty-point-five. Waldo!

One hundred million clams.

That's $100 million to Mr. Darwin Mayflower.

One hundred million and one, Waldo.

Fantastic.

One hundred million dollars and one.

Outbid by mine own wench.

Quelle bummer.

Don't hate me, baby.

Bunny. Bunny.

Any other bids?

Going once.

Going twice.

Gone.


My God. That was bold of you.

You didn't have to do that. It's nothing.

Anybody would have done the same thing.

No, I mean, you didn't have to tackle me and rip my dress.

Oh.

Oh, I'm just kidding. Thanks for saving me, tough guy.

Why was that guard chasing you?

Because danger, doc, is my middle...

Couldn't just play along, could you, Eddie?

You gotta admit, Eddie. Classy way of covering our tracks, huh?

That auctioneer ought to be landing at La Guardia any minute now.

Hey, subtlety's not one of our strong points.

Get the fuck out of here.

You stupid ass!

Ew, menthol. Hey!

This is a brand-new tuxedo!

Hey, mister. Are you gonna die?

Happy sailing, Hawk!

No! Oh, no!

How am I driving?

1-800-I'm-gonna-fucking-die!

Toll booth?!

Exact change?!

Make him roadkill.

Up yours, Cesar.

Yeah, run him down.

Cesar! Antony!

Are you okay?


What the fuck is the matter with you?

The name's Snickers. The plane leaves in 40.

Almond Joy. Get it? Candy bars.

Well, it's better than when we first started out.

Our code names were diseases.

Do you know what it's like being called Chlamydia for a year?

Oops, forgot.

My 's Butterfinger. No shit.

Do you like the company's new look?

I call them the "MTV-IA."

George, you promised.

No old-CIA/new-CIA jokes.

Punks. They think the Bay of Pigs is an herbal tea...

...and the Cold War has something to do with penguins.

Don't I know you?

The last time you saw me, I was bald with a beard and no mustache...

...and I had a different nose.

So if you don't recognize me, I won't be offended.

My high school science teacher?

I'm the guy who tricked you into robbing the government installation...

...and then had you sent to prison for it.

George Kaplan.

I'm not the type to hold a grudge, George.

I used you as a diversion.

I guess down deep, I was just jealous.

You were one hell of a thief.

To what do I owe the dishonor of this reunion, Georgie?

I wanna make it up to you, kid. That's why I got you this gig.

And to quote the late, great Karen Carpenter:

"We have only just begun."

Three minutes, four seconds.

Well you know, George, you're a little late.

Maybe nobody told you. I quit stealing.

My employer wants a meeting. Your employer?

The president? No. Somebody powerful.

Good God, what's that?

Now George, you don't expect me to fall for that old gag, do you?

Shucks, I guess not.

Now?

Yes, now.


No way.

Welcome to Rome, sir.


So, Hawk. The Hawkster. What do you think of the vehicle?

Why did you duck at the auction house, asshole?

What can I tell you. I'm the villain.

Initially, it was a priority to keep a lot of buffers between you and me.

But since most of them are dead now, I thought, what the heck?

Hawkie, you come highly recommended.

I hired Kaplan and the Mario brothers to find me a cat burglar.

Hey. I want to be in business with you.

♪ I've got the power ♪

Ladies and gentlemen of the board, and Minerva...

...let's give it up for Hudson Hawk.

Minerva.

Minerva!

Hello. Bunny, ball-ball.

So, Hawkmeister...

...we got you clothes, great hotel...

...and a 250,000-lire per diem.

That's $200 a day.

So he can get a hooker and some tequila?

Veto, Darwin.

I guess we see who wears the penis in this family, huh?

For God's sake, somebody chain this convict.

Listen, Hawkie.

This might be hard to believe, but I'm just a regular joe.

I just want to be happy.

And happiness comes...

...from the achieving of goals.

It's just that when you've made your first billion by the age of 19...

...it's hard to keep coming up with new ones.

But now, finally, I got myself a new goal:

World domination!

Shut up!

Bunny, quit that. Bunny, ball-ball.

I think Bunny's got today's ball-balls.

Bad Bunny. Bunny, you weren't that bad.

Just two more minutes. I was so close.

But seriously, folks, Concorde me back home, put me in jail. I don't care.

You go back to jail, and you won't be alone.

You'll have a Guinea barkeep cellmate to keep you company.

You're young enough to still enjoy shanking child molesters...

...for a pack of smokes.

But Tommy Five-Tone...

...will go in knowing the next time he gets out...

...will be to attend his own funeral.

Depressing?

I wouldn't waste a dime for the phone call.

You don't have any proof.

The magic word.

It's "véjà du," Hawkhead: Something you wish never did happen.

Kaplan and his CIA candy bars shot the entire operation with hidden cameras.

They put the fake horse in the safe while you clowns were running from the guards.

Yikes.

Damn Fotomat assholes.

That's a good shot of you, Minerva.

My man, you're going to hit a church.

We want you to steal da Vinci's sketchbook...

...the Codex.

The Vatican.

I'm robbing the freaking Vatican.

The nuns at St. Agnes...

...predicted this.

What do they call you guys, Igg and Ook?


Hey, man. Buon giorno Yeah, buon giorno.

I'm being blackmailed into robbing the Vatican...

...by a psychotic American corporation and the CIA.

I don't...

That's okay, colonel. Just keep an eye on all the art.


Courtney, stop it.

You're embarrassing your country.

Though Leonardo is best known as a painter...

...it was his gift as an inventor...

...who drew together science and art...

...that is most incredible.

Tough guy.

What are you doing here?

You know, every time I get around you, my heart starts beating really fast.

As you know, the Da Vinci Codex...

...has lived in the Vatican for centuries, and will continue to live here for centuries more.

That's what you think.

Question, sir? Yeah, what time do you get done?

His untiring pen predicted the airplane...

...the submarine, the bicycle...

...the helicopter and even the tank.

These more dangerous designs inspired him...

Pokey!

What's the matter? Something wrong? Quickly, come with me.

Pokey, come back!

Is that smoke bad for you?

This way. Where are we going?

Through here.

Are you gonna tell me why you did that back there, or are you gonna blame it on Dumbo?

You mean Pokey?

You believe that kooky little elephant?

What in the world is this? It's a postal subway.

Can I get to Times Square from here? No.

The pope takes his mail seriously.

Christmas cards, Easter Seals.

Delivers up to 10 at night.

I see.

Well, actually, I don't see. I'm very confused.

How do you know all this stuff? What do you do?

Well, I do a lot of things.

But I don't steal stuffed elephants from little girls.

My life's pretty boring.

Yeah, mine too.

You have dinner with me tonight?

Nice, dull, boring dinner?

Scrabble, knock-knock jokes, anecdotes about dead Italians?

I'll bring my entire repertoire.

And I'll bring my entire entourage.

There's a place around the corner.

Enzo's. Say 10:30? Ten-thirty.

Hey, thanks.

Father, it's obvious he's up to something.

Report upstairs at once.

Yes, sir.

Did he mention the Mayflowers?

No, your eminence. He's definitely going to steal the Codex. I can feel it.

I'm not sure when. Attempt to steal, you mean.

The vanity of this man, Hudson Hawk.

The Vatican has foiled the advances of pirates and terrorists.

We will not lie down for some schmuck from New Jersey.

And must you flirt with him so effectively?

That's the only way.

As an agent of our organization, you are put in awkward situations.

Just remember, Hudson Hawk is an evil, evil man.

Yes. Hello, operator. I'd like to make a collect call...

...overseas, to a New York number.

What? No, no, don't put me...

Oh, shit. Thank you for calling AT&T.

What number are you calling, please?

Thank God. 212-555-1989.

Pick up the phone, you reindeer-goat-cheese-eating bastard.

Pick it up. Pick it up.

Pick it up, Tommy.

The black thing. On the desk.

Come on, Tommy.

Want a little more, Jumbo?

Kick your big, flabby ass.

Hawk.

Hawk, Hawk.

Enjoying Italy? Yeah.

Yes.

I've always had a soft spot in my heart for Roma.

I did my first bare-handed strangulation here.

Communist politician.

Why, George, you big softy.

God, I miss Communism.

The Red threat.

People were scared...

...the agency had some respect, and I got laid every night.

Brief him, Snickers.

Good news, Hawk.

Mayflowers have moved up the timetable.

You're hitting the Vatican tonight. Oh, no. Oh, no.

The timing's off, the schedule's not right...

...I'm underequipped, and besides that, I got a date.

Grapple, biker's bottle...

...pocket fisherman, olive oil...

...100 stamps?

Gee, stud, this gonna be some date.

No Harvey's Bristol Cream?

Snickers, make that list happen.

Oh, it's one thing to play hide-and-seek...

...with the Mayflowers' pathetic staff...

...but we're sore losers.

We blow up space shuttles for breakfast.

You and your friend Tommy would be nothing more than a...

A late-afternoon Triscuit.

Ciao.

Hey! Old man!

Yeah, you!

You come back here without your Cub Scout army...

...and I'll kick your centrally intelligent ass...

...up one side the piazza and down the other!

"Beware the blue wire"?

Hey, Mr. Hawk, I got your stamps.

Good, Yogi.


[Speaking Italian]

Now, Kit Kat, how did you know about that blue wire?


[Speaking Italian]


Oh. I was afraid you weren't gonna drop by.

Am I late?

You look very nice.

You really do.

What? I am the waiter, sir.

Oh, very nice.

Fettuccine con funghi porcini. Prego.

And bring me a bottle of ketchup with that, will you?

You heard him.

Ketchup. Ketchup.

Stupid Americano!

[Speaking Italian]

Come on, Pierre, read my lips.

Steak burger.

French fries.

This is France. You got to have french fries.

"Actually, it's Italy, Butterfinger," she said...

...as if it made a difference.

To be in Paris and in love.

[Speaking Italian]

They had the worst ketchup when I was in prison.

Prison?

I was a warden?

How long were you in?

Let's just say I never saw E.T.

Wow, you were in the joint...

...doing hard time.

It's funny, but that excites me.

I seem to have a thing for sinners.

I seem to have a thing for sinning. Check, please.

Where did you get the Hawk?

Ossining, New York.

Where did you get the Hudson Hawk?

Well, a "hawk" is a slang word...

...for the cold wind that blows in the wintertime.

I grew up in a town called Hoboken, New Jersey...

...which is on the Hudson River.

So Hudson River, Hudson Hawk. Hudson Hawk.

And where did you get these?

Had a little accident around the house.

What happened? I fell on some chickens.

Does it hurt? Yes, they hurt.

Maybe I can make them feel better.

Well, okay. See what you can do.

Don't. Don't tickle me. Don't do it.

Don't do it because...

Because I gotta tell you something.

What?

No, I better whisper it to you.

Come here.

I can't do this.

What's the matter?

It's been a long time for me.

Well, it's been a really long time for me.

Outside of a friendly dog yesterday morning, this has been a very slow decade.

I don't make love every 10 years, I get a little cranky.

I'm not sure if I remember how to kiss girls.

Not that I ever kiss guys.

[Italian alarm]

Catholic girls are scary.

Somebody robbed the Vatican. Really?

This is not what you think. Well, maybe it is.

You went and did it. You really did it.

In one day, in less than one day of planning, and you did it.

You started the week by stealing the Sforza...

...and ended by swiping the Codex. Yeah, but...

What are your weekend plans? Hoisting away the Colosseum?

But you don't... Tell me, did the devil make you do it?

Or did Darwin and Minerva Mayflower?

Can't we just go back to the kissing part?

What's going on in there?

You want me to rape them?

Here, just read your book, Butterfinger.

"Not in a boat, not on a train.

Not with a goat, not in the rain.

I do not like green eggs and ham..." To yourself. To yourself!

It's more complicated than that, Hudson.

For two years, I've been tracking the Mayflowers' peculiar interest...

...in the three da Vinci pieces.

The Sforza statue was a fake...

...but I was under orders not to denounce it.

Does everybody in the whole world know more than me?

You didn't know? No.

I'm just some guy that's good at swiping stuff.

Who knew that would lead to this.

Christ, they even got the CIA Involved now.

Here's looking at you, kid.

Hey. This doesn't taste like cappuccino.

Oh, I guess I put too much ethyl chloride in it.

Why didn't you say at the restaurant that Hawk had hit the Vatican tonight?

My people will not be happy.

I want to see Kaplan.

Damn meddlesome Vatican organization.

Hey! Way to go, Anna!

Hudson Hawk had some interesting things to say...

...about you and the Mayflowers.

Basically, that you're all part of the same car pool.

Anna, Anna, Anna, if that were so...

...Almond Joy would've handed you your heart...

...right after you handed her the Codex.

No, now the trip is this:

Soon as the Mayflowers find out we have the Codex...

...they're gonna want to make a deal.

We deal, they'll buy, we bust.

A classic sting. What happens to Hudson Hawk?

Oh, I wouldn't worry too much about him. He's...

He's gonna be in very good hands.

But you, you look really tired, kiddo.

Maybe you should go back to Rome and get some sleep.

Kit Kat? Oh, there you are.

See that Miss Baragli gets home safely.

Arrividerci, baby.

With all due respect to that great dress...

...how come you didn't you let me cut her heart out?

Close call, close call.

But she's the only way we have keeping tabs on the damn mysterious Vatican organization.

Bunny Mayflower.

Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.

It's been 1200 hours since my last confession.

Hit me with your best shot.

I betrayed a man.

A good man. An innocent man.

A thief.

Anna, what are you trying to say?

Father, we've been double-crossed by the CIA.

Hudson Hawk is not who we thought he was.

He came into a world where crime is a legitimate business tactic...

...and a legitimate government procedure...

...but he knew right from wrong.

Oh, and we kind of messed around.

[Speaking Italian]

Messed around? Messed around?!

Seventeen Hail Marys and five minutes outside.

So, Sister, what you are saying is that Hudson Hawk...

...is not willingly working for the Mayflowers...

...but that Kaplan and the candy bars are?

I thought we were using the CIA to get to Mayflower...

...but the CIA is using me to keep us away from Mayflower.

Oh, the pope warned me never to trust the CIA.

If the Mayflowers get all three crystals for the gold machine...

...the world economy will be ruined.

Ay-yi-yi.

Lord help us.

But what of Tommy Five-Tone, Hawk's friend? Where's his loyalty?

I'm going to find out.

But you must remember, Sister...

...you have your vows to God as well as your mission to the world.

Yes, Your Eminence.

Just say, "God go with me."

God go with you, Sister.

Ball!

Jolly good shot, sir.

Oh, Hudson Hawk.

You cease to amaze me, convict.

You are a terrible cat burglar.

Haven't you ever seen, like, David Niven?

Tiptoe in, tiptoe out.

Like a cat, one would say.

I could take it back.

Let me do that. I don't care.

Oh, you two! There's nothing I hate more than failure.

All you had to do was follow the Hawk.

It's not like I said teach our nation's children how to read.

I suppose we're just going to have to kill them.

God, Minerva, I was just joking.

Get away from there, convict. Just browsing.

Don't hurt him. We need him for the final job.

Oh, really?

Don't hurt him?

Even if he does this?

What about this?

Surely, this must offend!

Things are really heating up at the Castle Vinci tonight!

Ooh, mamma mia, pizzeria!

May I call you Minnie?

You put your left foot in You put your left foot out Come to think of it, there is a part of your body...

...that you won't be needing for your next job.

I always did wanna sing like Frankie Valli.

Big boys don't cry.

Three minutes, 27 seconds.

Look, you Eddie Munster-looking motherfucker...

...somebody better tell me what's going on, or I ain't gonna move another muscle.

I wanna be treated like an adult. That's fair.

Now go to your room.

What?

So, Captain Hawk, in one of your paws...

...you've got a gold bar worth about eight thou.

In the autre, you've got lead that won't get you gelato.

Surely a master thief like you can tell the difference.

That's one down. Kitty Carlisle.

Cool, isn't it?

Weight, feel, malleability. They're all but identical.

On the periodic chart of elements they're but one proton apart.

Great minds worked for centuries to turn worthless into priceless.

Alchemy?

Alchemy is the business term of the '90s, my man.

Minerva read it in an airline magazine about four years ago.

I dumped some lire into research and, shazam!

We come across a diary by one of da Vinci's assistants...

...detailing la macchina d'oro...

"The gold machine," for the hoes at home.

And the rest is about to become history.

Money isn't everything.

Gold is.

Fuck T-bills!

Fuck blue-chip stocks!

Fuck junk bonds!

We've got the real deal.

Money will always be paper...

...but gold will always be gold.

After a couple of years of steady production...

...we'll flood the market with so much gold...

...that gold itself, the foundation of all finance...

...will lose its meaning.

Brokers, economists, fellow entrepreneurs...

...will drown in the saliva of their own nervous breakdowns.

Sounds like a party.

Markets will crash-crash.

Financial empires will crumble-crumble.

Except yours-yours.

In 1992, baby...

...the European superpowers are coming together...

...to form one business superpower.

And that's one party we're gonna love to poop.

Well, that's set.

The last ingredient in the recipe is da Vinci's model of a helicopter.

On display for three days only at the Louvre, in Paris.

As opposed to the Louvre in Wisconsin?

Shut up. You'll make me lose my place.

You're gonna have to go in at night.

The security will be overwhelming. Twelve guards...

Ho, ho, ho, ho! Okay, time out.

I choose not to accept the assignment, Mr. Phelps.

Put me in jail. Put me and...

Jail, you asshole?!

Our foot soldiers will blow your brains out.

Bunny? Ball-ball.

I'll torture you so slowly, you'll think it's a career.

I'll kill your friends, your family and the bitch you took to the prom.

Betty Jo Biarsky? I can get you an address on that, if you want.

You have a dilemma, tiger.

And I think I know what's gonna help you solve it.

I'll kill you all!

I swear to God. I'll kill that butler. I'll kill that little yappy dog.

I'm sick of this!

I hated cigarettes until I saw my first "no smoking" sign.

"Keep off the grass"?

Let's play soccer.

The only law I cared for was friendship.

I broke that one, too, didn't I?

I just don't think that it's such a smoking-hot idea to leave them in there alone.

Relax, George.

That's why we hired the pasta-slurping Guinea to begin with...

...to keep Hawk in line.

This Gates-Mario brothers- CIA-Mayflower-da Vinci thing...

...I mean, it seemed like a sweet deal.

Visit foreign lands, take their treasures.

I don't know, Eddie, I thought you'd get into it.

It's better than playing darts with M.B.A.s at the bar.

But I didn't think it was gonna be like this.

Them using me to use you.

I'm sorry, Eddie...

...but there's only one way out of this...

...and it's gonna hurt me more than it's gonna hurt you.

They'll talk about being buddies and chugging brewskis.

You've got to love male bonding.

You fucked my freedom for a lousy job?

Come on!

You know something, Eddie? What?

You hit like a girl! Oh, really?

I was only kidding.

[Gunshot]

Tommy! No!

Tommy!

Plan B, George.

Plan B?


No sweat, Tommy. You just made the biggest mistake of my life.

Don't act like you never committed a crime before.

I know I made a bad call. What was your per diem?

Thank God you're dead. It was so beautiful.

When those blanks went off, everybody freaked.

Ketchup. You can't beat Heinz 57. Five-Tone.

What? You fucked my freedom for a job?

You don't understand. I said I was sorry.

You better be glad I don't hit women, assuming you are a woman, because from now on, I ain't taking nothing for granted.

Hey, look, Eddie, I'm sorry. Hudson, I'm sorry.

I work for a covert Vatican humanitarian organization...

...and the CIA made a fool out of me.

What's more... Hey, man...

...I care for you. ...I love you.

Then what's this? Where did you get that?

The da Vinci castle.

You know, the place where you gave the bad guys the Codex.

That's from the gold machine. Yeah.

So they really were that close to making it work.

But now that they lost the services of the world's greatest cat burglar...

...and his dead partner...

They won't be able to steal the third piece of the crystal.

And we get to go home.

Five-Tone, let me ask you something. Go ahead.

Why do they leave all these rocks and shit laying out in the backyard?

They're called ruins, Eddie.

Ruins, huh? Yeah, ruins.

Good name.

He had this look on his face when we caught him. It was like...

I never saw a look on a face like this when he got caught.

I swear to God, he was so embarrassed.

You know, speaking of being caught...

...isn't the CIA gonna think to check out this place?

No, they fell for the fake death.

They think Hawk's been arrested.

Kaplan and the candy bars were seen by my sources boarding a plane out of Rome.

Hudson. Where to?

Five-Tone, will you quit worrying about it, man.

I'm not worried, alright, I'm just being cautious.

Okay, guys. On that note, it's time for bed.

I couldn't agree more. Okay.

Tommy, you're gonna sleep here.

Where are you gonna sleep? What do you think?

Oh, yeah. Good night.

I'll get you some sheets.

Yeah, we'll get you some sheets.

It's a very special night. Yes, it was.

Is. Was.

There's some things you don't know about me.

But there's some things I do know about you...

...and about me, and about that bed.

This is not the time, Hudson.

Look, can't we just have a late-night cappuccino?

I'm sorry, but the machine's still set up for poisonous foam.

Oh, yeah. I remember. Good night.

Good night.

Don't even think about it.

Don't say another word.

It's a very special night Very funny. Very funny, Tommy.


Good morning.

The license plates on the police van had a Vatican prefix.

I'm losing respect for you guys.

You were that close to getting away with this crap.

Get up. Now, where's Anna?

You know, George, it's nice of you guys to drop by...

...but next time, you might want to phone ahead.

Why don't you come back in a half-hour.

Grab ourselves a shower, pick up some croissants and shit.

I really wish I could come up with this glib repartee, the way you guys can.

But I can't. So I'll just paralyze you. A. J?

Curare darts.

When it comes to instantaneous loss...

...of all physical control below the neck...

...I highly recommend them. Eddie, I can't move!

I'm gonna rip their fucking tongues out!

Come here, you chickenshit son of a bitches!

Come here! My head against yours.

Fair fight!

This is how I go out. Like a hunk of frozen Play-Doh?

Like a Gumby in the store?

What the fuck are you la...? Keep laughing, Jumbo.

You made it come out of my nose.

Keep that shit up!

This is no way, George, to get me to rob the Louvre.

The Louvre?

The Louvre, Hawk, is yesterday's news.

Or should I say this morning's?

I admit we displayed a lack of nuance.

Didn't wear black, didn't sing "Swinging on a Star."

Well, we weren't being judged for neatness...

...only results.

Goddamn it. Yanks lose again.

How did the Mets do? Can you turn to section B.

You guys may be the fairest cat burglars of them all...

...but if you weren't such snobs...

...a lot of those guards at the Louvre might still be alive.

But that's irrelevant now.

You're irrelevant now.

Because tonight...

...at the Castle da Vinci...

...we make gold!

Rise and shine, sleepyheads.

Ah, more babes for the party.

Hi, Anna. Hi, Anna.

Don't be stupid, Mr. Kaplan. Give me the crystal.

Anna Baragli...

Came to play!

Anna-banana-fo-fanna.

You're not gonna shoot little old me, are you?

You're not gonna shoot little old anybody.

Pull the trigger. Shoot. Shoot, Anna.

I read your dossier...

...Sister. Pull the trigger!

Why did she call you Sister?

I'm sorry, Hudson, I meant to tell you.

He didn't know. He didn't know!

Know what?

Hawk likes a nun!

Those better be tears you're crying, Tommy.

They are.

It doesn't mean I don't love you.

Oh, no. You love me. It's your job!

You probably love Butterfingers over there.

Well, yeah.

In a weird sort of Catholic way, I do.

But you...

You...

Well, Miss Baragli's da Vinci expertise allows her to go on to the next course.

And as for you guys... Sorry, guys.

A souvenir.

Ciao.

Later, guys. Easy for you to say.

Guys, we got some good news and some bad news.

The good news is you'll be completely unparalyzed in about two minutes.

The bad news is that leaves you only five seconds to defuse the bombs.

Bombs? Bombs?

I'm so glad it had to be like this.

I'll just shoot one in the kitchen for good measure.

Almond Joy! More paralysis!

You can move? Yeah.

This is what I get for darting a nun!

Get this fucking thing off my head!

Tommy, look at Snickers. He's about to have a bad migraine.

Maybe it was a dud.

I don't know. It must be the curare.

It's been known to have certain side effects.

Oh, really, George?

I feel like a dolphin who's never tasted melted snow.

Listen, Anna. The apprentice's diary contains a code...

...that explains how the three pieces of crystal fit together.

If you could do us the honor...

...and decipher how the code works, we would be eternally grateful.

What does the color blue taste like?

Bobo knows.

I must speak with the dolphins now.

[Making dolphin noises]

Just shoot her. Anybody?

Darwin, this is supposed to be torture, not therapy.

Eddie, the old man said turn left at the fork. He said turn right.

If you wanna save Anna, you gotta find the castle first.

Quit pushing. I'm not pushing.

Count of three? Why not just go now?

Okay. Hey, Tommy. What?

Who are you, Bob Hope for Texaco? What the hell are you talking about?

What are you doing with that golf bag? I got a plan.

Is it a great plan? A great big plan.

Tommy, let me ask you something. Go ahead.

How do I look? You look great. What, are you kidding?

No. I want you to tell me. Come on.

I've been away a long time.

Eddie, Eddie, we're hanging off a castle in the middle of Italy...

...and you're asking me how you look?

Okay, okay. You don't gotta get...

You look gorgeous.

You look like fucking Zorro. Well, I didn't know.

Hey!

A lifetime of service and it's come to this.

The dolphin is dead.

The dolphin is...

Come on, you bitch!

I'm not a very good damsel in a dress, am I?

"You must pay the rent!" "But I can't pay the rent."

[Making dolphin noises]

Yo, Flipper.

A damsel in distress implies that there is some well-hung Dudley Do-Right...

...galloping up to save you.

It ain't gonna happen.

Hudson Hawk go boom-boom. He dead.

I'm thinking of using the 7 iron. Looks long, junior.

Six iron? Bingo.

Thank you. Fore!

"Fore"?

Did anybody hear something?

Can you fucking believe...?

I heard something.

Did you set the timer on that thing? No.

From now on, please set the timer.

Come on, Butterfinger. I think it's time for Plan C, darling.

Kit Kat, you guard the Mayflowers with your life.

Oh, Kit Kat. Are you really going to guard us with your life?

Kit Kat!

A double crossbow for a double-cross.

Oh, Alfie, you dry British madman.

Thank you. Catch you later, baby.

Why did you that? Try this one, Sister.

Thou shalt not share.

It's in the hole! The gallery's ecstatic!

Oh, he's gotta be happy with that one, Tommy.

So what do you say, Eddie?

Two and half minutes to save Anna, three and a half minutes to save the world?

6-0-0. "Side by Side"?

♪ Oh, we ain't got a barrel of money ♪

♪ We may be ragged and funny ♪

♪ But we'll travel along ♪ Hit it, Eddie!

♪ Singin' a song ♪

♪ Side by side ♪

Yeah, let's go down this way.

Maybe we'd better go this way.

Okay. This way.

Eddie, Eddie, Eddie. We'd better split up.

I'll take the front nine, you take the back nine. And we'll meet back at the clubhouse.

Hey, Tommy. Yeah?

Looking good, my man. Thanks.

Hey!

How you doing? Hi! How you doing?

Three, two, one. Three, two, one.

Go in.

Brief the Mayflowers on the current situation.

You got it, coach.

♪ Through all kinds of weather ♪

♪ What if the sky should fall? ♪

♪ Just as long as we're together ♪

♪ It doesn't matter at all ♪

♪ When they've all had their quarrels and parted ♪

♪ We'll be the same as we started ♪

♪ Just sailin' along ♪

♪ Singin' our song ♪

♪ Side by... ♪ Side.

I'll take that, sir.

Hey, coach. Looks bad.

I think those Mayflowers set us up.

Jumbo, we hardly knew you.

Since you're not gonna tell us what we want to know...

...then I think it's time for you to report to the head office in heaven, Sis.

If you see the big guy, tell him he's a loser.

That's it.

That didn't hurt. No?

Try this.

What do you say now, you centrally intelligent scumsicle?

Getting old, George?

Tommy, you New York-Italian-father- made-20-bucks-a-week son of a bitch!

You were hired as bait...

...and on this simple task, you have betrayed me.

Do you have an answer why? I got five of them.

One! Two!

Three! Four!

Just one more. Five!

That didn't... Hurt.

How do I stop this?

My hat.

I guess you never fucked with nobody from Hoboken before.

Hudson! Anna...

...we're supposed to be saving you.

I'm sorry. I got bored, so I saved myself.

We still gotta get them crystal pieces, don't we?

Got them right here, cowboy.

"Got them right here, cowboy."

Eddie! Sounds like Tommy.

Tommy!

Alfred, I won't be needing the car anymore.

Ta-ta!

Tommy!

Eddie!

My pension!

Friend of yours? Dead!

Hudson, look...

Out.

Minerva. Anna! Hawkmeister!

You're probably wondering why you're still alive.

We're still having a little problem putting this damn crystal together.

Alfie and I have been at it all night.

Well? What are you waiting for?

Don't do it, Hudson. Relax.

Besides, we don't have much choice, do we?


Oh, Hawk, don't ever change.

Nice Hawk.

Bad Hawk!

Why is the world jam-packed with such idiots?

Every schmo has the fantasy that the planet revolves around them.

It rains. A car crash stops traffic.

You say, "How can this happen to me?"

But for us, this isn't a fantasy.

It is a reality.

Oh, yes. If da Vinci was alive today...

...he'd be eating microwave sushi, naked...

...in the back of a Cadillac with the both of us.

The project of his life...

...is now the toy of mine.

History, tradition, culture are not concepts.

These are trophies I keep in my den as paperweights.

The chaos we will cause the world with this machine...

...will be our final masterpiece.

Go, team, go!

Yes!

Now!

Eureka, motherfucker!

Well, you should feel very good about yourself.

Let me ask you something. What?

What would happen if I didn't put that crystal together exactly right?

What do you mean?

Well, let's just say, for example, I left out...

...this little piece of mirror here.

Would that be bad? Real bad.

Good.

Minerva! Minerva!

Alfred!

Your turn. My turn?

How'd it get to be my turn? I just killed Darwin and Minerva!

Definitely your turn. Shit.

All right. Just stay over here and try to stay out of the way, alright?

Hudson. What?

Okay.

Thou shalt not kill! Thou shalt not kill!

Sorry!

Stop helping me!

Hey, Alfred...

...you won't be attending that hat convention in July.

My turn? Yeah.

With this dog, now?

Oh, Bunny.

Ball-ball.

Come on, puppy chow, gotta go.

Here we go.

Move your hand! Take it away!

Just hang on.

Oh, Leonardo.

Go, Leonardo!

Oh, baby!

Hi, kids.

Anna? Yes, Hudson?

Can I ask you something?

Sure.

Will you play Nintendo with me?

I can't think of anybody I'd rather play Nintendo with.

Wait a minute.

What about your boss? What boss?

You know.

Oh, I think he wants me to keep an eye on you.

You know, I think he wants you to keep an eye on me too.

Because I got criminal tendencies.

Can I buy you a cappuccino? Yes.

Can I give you a kiss? Yes.

I just wish Tommy were here.

No way.

That's not very nice.

No way!

Yes way!

Did I miss anything?

Did you miss anything?

You're supposed to be all crashed up at the bottom of the hill.

Air bags. Can you fucking believe it?

You're supposed to be blown up into fiery chunks of flesh.

Sprinkler system set up in the back.

Can you fucking believe it?!

Yeah, that's probably what happened.

Drink your cappuccino.

Hey. Drink your coffee.

With the world saved and the secrets of da Vinci protected...

...Eddie finally got his coffee.

♪ Would you like to swing on a star ♪

♪ Carry moonbeams home in a jar ♪

♪ And be better off than you are ♪

♪ Or would you rather be a fish ♪

♪ A fish won't do anything but swim in a brook ♪

♪ He can't write his name or read a book ♪

♪ To fool the people is his only thought ♪

♪ And though he's slippery he still gets caught ♪

♪ But then if that sort of life is what you wish ♪

♪ You may grow up to be a fish ♪

♪ And all the monkeys aren't in a zoo ♪

♪ Every day you meet quite a few ♪

♪ So you see it's all up to you ♪

♪ You could be better than you are ♪

♪ You could be swingin' on a star ♪♪