Hurricane Bianca (2016) Script

(various voices) Once upon a time, it seemed like a hundred years ago...

Girl, it was not that long.

(clears throat)

In a land far, far away...

Let's not get carried away.

A new teacher was starting her first day of classes.

She was mean and hateful.

She had her reasons.

Will you stop interrupting?

I will if you start at the beginning.

Fine!

There lived a kind and decent man named Richard.

This is an example of when many large thunderstorms come together and spin like a funnel--

...who was perhaps the most awkward teacher in Manhattan.

When is our regular teacher coming back?

If you have a question, raise your hand.

Now...

Yes?

When is our regular teacher coming back?

Your regular teacher is coming back on Monday.

We have two more topics left on our Time Warp Through Science Tour.

Pay attention.

Who am I dressed up as?

My grandpa?

Okay, you know what, kids?

This is-- I'm just going to move things along a little faster.

Our next stop throught our Time Warp Through Science Tour is--

Get ready!

Are you ready?

Our next science genius is...

(laughing)

A scary old lady?

No!

Marie Curie!

This is boring!

Can we talk about sex ed or something?

(bell ringing)

I leave you with this.

My favorite Marie Curie quote--

The way of progress was neither swift nor easy.

Remember that, my little scientists.

See you soon!

If they'll have me back.

(thunder rumbling)

(thunder crashing)

Hurricane Bianca


Dear Mr. Martinez.

Blah, blah, blah.

Sorry to inform you that you are not chosen for this year's teaching ambassador program.

Blah, blah, blah.

Please try again next year.

So I'm-- I'm talking to my landlord, okay?

And she's like, Sorry for the construction, If you'd like to leave early...

I'm like, the nerve, right?

Like, I'm going to leave early?

I'm going to leave when my lease is up, you sundried Barbie!

(chuckles)

-Excuse us! -Coming through!

We're late, bitch.

Well, I'm on time.

Ooh! My feet hurt.

You wear cheap shoes.

I beg your pardon. I have large toes.

Move!

Hey!

(murmurs indistinctly)

Chakha Convict!

IDs!

Oh, girl, come on.

Th-that's a... that's a chemistry joke because I'm a chemistry, uh, teacher.

(coughing)

I would wait here if I were you.

They're about to tell him it's his last night.

He totally bombed again.

Hi, guys!

Hi!

Hi, Richard! You were... incredible.

Thanks.

See ya!

Don't try it.

Cute bird's nest.

I'm sorry we were late. We heard your show was okay.

Worse than leprosy.

-I love leopards. -Shut up Girl!

Did you do that mime bit we practiced?

No, I wasn't feeling that bit tonight.

Do you know what's worse?

I even found out today that I didn't get that teaching position that I was telling you two about.

-What? -Aw, Dick.

But we didn't want you to leave no-how.

Well, listen, I pay $3,468.52 without utilities each month for that mouse-ridden shithole of an apartment they're going to kick me out of.

Mm.

Well, listen, sister.

Now, you know this old nasty freeloading bitch is still on my nice couch.

-It's a futon. -It's a professional sectional.

(belches)

Anyhow, we can gas up the air mattress, baby, and put it right in the living room.

Three's company!

As much as I appreciate you two, I think I'm just a little too old for that, you know?

And besides, I've been here 11 years and I've got nothing to show for it.

I just think inside, personally, I'm done.

I'm just done.

Yeah, maybe.

Oh, you know, we're going to need some drinks, okay?

Excuse me?

Do you have the drink tickets?

Yeah.

The bird's nest bitch at the door said we're on her list.

(banging)

(coughing)

Hello?

Is this Richard Martinez?

Uh, yes. Hi. Who's this?

Lawrence Taylor from the Teaching Ambassador program.

Oh, hi!

How are you?

Very well.

I have some fabulous news.

O-oh?

A last-minute slot has opened up in our program, but I just wanted to check if you were still interested.

Uh, uh, yeah! Yeah.

I'm very interested.

Good. It's in Milford, Texas!

I think I actually have something in my eye.

Okay.

Obviously, we would supply you with first-class accommodations.

Fully furnished, beautiful area, landscaped backyard.

Just to die for!

Uh, uh & I'll take it!

Can I take it?

Milford High needs a new science teacher, and your teaching certificate is endorsed in chemistry, but I just wanted to check that you were still available.

Of course! I'm your man!

(chuckles)

Sucker!

Well, that's the last of it.

-I'm going to miss you, Boo. -You too.

Bye.

♪ Yeah! ♪

(Reporter) Well, folks, it might not be the best time to book that trip Mexico, because it looks like the National Hurricane Center has updated Tropical Storm Bianca to a hurricane.

First of the season.

Stay tuned for updates.

You don't want to miss this.

♪ Gotta get the heck outta here... ♪ Hey! Looks like I'm your new neighbor.

Okay.

(spits)

♪ Gotta go, gotta get the heck outta here... ♪

(goats bleating)

Hey, Shorty!

Now's not a good time for making a mess.

-You just told me-- -Superintendent's on her way!

Make yourself scarce!

Sorry, Miss Ward.

Hi.

I'm looking for the vice principal.

She's in a mood.

Okay.

What are you still doing here?

-The nurse said that--- -Hit the road.

-But-- -Get out of here.

What do you need?

Uh, Richard Martinez.

New science teacher.

[scoffs] You're early.

Uh, you must be Debbie Ward.

[sighs] Deb or Deborah.

Never Debbie.

Okay, uh, Deborah.

I just wanted to stop by to say hi, and maybe you can point me in the-- in the right direction.

I'm not really sure-- Wow!

I love your purse.

First of all, don't be late.

Or early? Okay?

It annoys the hell out of me.

Second of all, don't bother me.

Third of all, leave the faggy ties at home, okay?

Because nothing bothers me more than faggy tie.

Now...

Look, here's your lesson plan.

Creationism?

I mean, but I'm a science teacher.

I don't have time, okay?

Superintendent's on her way!

Go upstairs, find Coach Chuck in the teachers' lounge.

Second floor.

(makes clicking sound)

Second floor.

Thanks.

Honestly.

(smacks lips together)

Happy birthday to me.

Ah! You must be, um, Coach Chuck!

Hey, man.

You deliver my tacos?

Uh, no.

Uh, I'm, uh, Richard Martinez, the new science teacher.

I know.

I was joking with you because you're Spanish-looking.

-Oh. -Do you want some cake?

Uh, no, I'm pretty good.

-Pretty good. -Ah, don't be a sissy.

-Have a tit. -Oh, uh, thanks.

There we go. Mm.

(Chuck) So this is the library. (Richard) Um hmm.

Pretty standard, really.

You got to check it out every once in a while for sleepers.

Sleepers?

(blows whistle) Get up!

Don't let me see that again!

Well, now that you're in Texas, I recommend that you get one of these.

A diary?

-I don't think I need a diary. -No, it's a little black book.

Every woman, every number.

I've gone through about three of these just this year.

You don't have a phone to keep your contacts in?

A phone?

How do you mean?

(sighs)

Let's start with discussing the origin of differences between men and women--

You're right across the hall from Carly Ward, Deb's daughter.

Ain't she a fox?

Many social influences play a role in determining these differences.

If you ever hear the kids talking about someone named Miss First, you'd best tell me about it.

Is that, like, another teacher?

No one knows who it is.

They say Miss First turns boys into men.

For their sake, God, I hope it's her.

Um, this is the longest tour ever.

And this is the grand finale.

Dang.

Mm.

(bell ringing)

Thank you!

Good morning, sir, I'm Keely.

And I'm Amber.

Good morning! Hi, ladies!

We brought you a little something.

We just wanted to say, Welcome to Milford High.

Aw, thank you.

Chocolates!

I love chocolates!

Have some.

Sure.

Amber's mom makes it fresh.

Oh, please.

Tell your mom I said thank you.

Oh, I will.

Now you ladies get to your seat before I eat the whole box.

(chuckles)

-Enjoy. -Thank you.

Ladies!

Today is not the day to show off your ignorance.

Get it together!

Hi!

I'm Mr. Martinez, and I just want to let you know how excited I am to be here.

(laughing)

Okay!

Don't worry.

I used to think the same things were just as funny when I was your age.

(laughing)

Okay, okay! Let's just get it all out of...

(coughing) ...our systems now.

(laughing)

Three... two... one.

(clearing throat)

You know... (belches)

Pardon me.

(laughing) Lift off!

(Richard) You know what, kids?

I'm not-- I'm not feeling so good all of a sudden.

If you can just give me a minute, I'll be--

I'll be right back.

Keely, can I put you in charge for two minutes, just two minutes top--

(laughing)

Okay, guys, quick. Grab the chemistry set.

Best behaviour, baby. She's here now.

So nice to see you, Superintendent.

So nice to see you again too.

(rumbling)

(explosion)

What the devil?

You, uh, wanted to see me?

Where to start? Where to start?

(beep) Uh, you could start with why Richard left his class alone.

-Hmm? -Is she listening in?

Yes.

Richard, there's been a lot of people come in here and try out this job.

And none of them have been as bad as you.

I know these kids are a handful.

There's only one thing keeping me from sending you back to the middle of nowhere, where you come from.

Middle of nowhere?

I... I taught in New York City.

You taught kindy-garten.

Mr. Marteeneez, you come highly recommended from the Ambassador Program, so I need you to hep me, hep you.

I-I can help these kids if you give me a chance.

Will I be seeing you at the football game tonight?

There's your chance to mingle with the rest of the staff.

(sighing)

I'll be there with enough school spirit to fuel a jetliner, sir.

Yeah, we'll see about that.

(cheering)

Come on, Mavericks!

Rip 'em up! Rip 'em up!

You almost fumbled it, you pussy!

What's your name?

(mumbling) Shut up!

I don't care about your name! Get up!

Get up!

You get on out!

God, you're terrible!

This is intense!

There's something queer about him.

I can't put my finger on it.

Didn't you say he's from New York, Mama?

He complimented my purse.

So what are you saying?

He's, like, some kind of queer?

Well, there's only one way to find out.

You should go talk to him, honey.

You think?

Yeah.

Show him Minnie and Mickey.

(chuckles)

No man can resist.

Bitch!

Well, aren't you just hotter than bark on a tree!

Well, hello. (chuckles)

I'm Carly.

I was upset I didn't get to meet the cute new member of our staff today.

Oh, well, that's very nice.

Nice to meet you.

So how do you like Texas so far?

Well, um, everybody seems to be very welcoming, to say the least. (chuckles nervously)

(chuckles) We're gonna have to spend more time together.

We're going to be real, great friends. I can tell.

So!

Do you, uh, like teaching social studies?

Oh, yeah!

Mama thinks I have a chance at this year's Teacher of the Year award.

That's out of the whole state.

And this year, the winner gets 25 grand.

(chuckling)

Well, good luck for you.

So now that we've been formally introduced, I'd like to introduce you to a couple of friends of mine.

Oh, sure.

Mickey and Minnie.

Oh!

Ooh! (chuckling nervously)

(cow bell ringing)

(Announcer) Defense!

15 yards on that first down!

I knew it.

Richard, I'm going to make this quick and painless as possible.

Of course. What's up?

We're going to have to let you go.

Excuse me?

He said you're shit-canned.

What-- what is he doing here?

The principal likes extra security in situations such as these.

We feel... I feel that your situation will be a distraction.

Wh--what situation?

Found this on the Internet.

(beep)

Single gay male seeks partner who enjoys laughter, music long-term relationship.

(laughs)

Where did you find that?

I haven't logged into that for years!

He ain't even going to deny it.

I thought we had a deal.

You need me to step in, sir?

This school has strong values.

Turn-offs include self-centeredness and bad hygiene.

Aw!

We need to keep the children safe from those that participate in alternative relationships.

You know, man on man, man on dog.

You understand.

Are you serious?

One more word from you, and, uh, I might have to call the law.

See you never, flamesauce!

(laughing)

Richard, Richard, Richard, there's very little I can do for a teacher who gets fired so quick into the job.

I mean, come on!

I'll go to Oklahoma! Kentucky!

I'll go anywhere.

Richard, darling, whe have a waiting list of over a hundred people, and right now, you're at the bottom of the pile.

You can't tell me what they did was legal.

You can't just fire somebody.

It's perfectly legal in many states, Texas being one of them.

Look, I have to go, but if you need any other help, just write a letter to congress, okay?

God.

Siri, I need a drink.

Hmm?

(Richard) Hey, hey.

There he is.

How you doin', Boo?

Hey, I wish you guys were here.

That's nasty.

Ask him if he downloaded Grinder yet.

No, I haven't downloaded Grinder yet, you whore.

We just want to know how many gay cowboys there are in the Bible Belt.

(chuckles)

Wait, hold on. I'm going to put you on speaker.

So, you guys are going to go to White party?

I think it's racist.

He ain't ever invited me to go to no black party.

She wouldn't think it was racist if she looked half-decent in anything here.

-I told you I have body issues. -Do cardio.

Okay. All right, according to Grinder, the closest gay guy is... drum roll, please!

30 miles away.

30 miles! Oh, no, bitch.

We've got to get you up out of there.

This is an emergency.

We're coming to get you, baby. Where is she?

Huh?

I'm going to grab a drink.

Love you guys. Mean it.

Oh, bitch. hurry up and get changed.

We are GPS.

Try red.

Do you have anything on sale?

(horks)

Oh, hello.

Uh, can I have a, uh, vodka soda, please?

What? Really?

Dry county.

Wait! There's, like, no booze in the whole county?

No-no wonder there's no gay people here.

Just get him a club soda, will you?

Texans always come prepared.

-I'm Richard. -Karma.

Karma Johnstone.

You parents must be a good time.

Why is that?

Well, most parents don't name their children after Buddhist principles.

Would you prefer I had a normal name?

Something plain, like Mary?

Mary's not plain.

Mary's angelic.

I know plenty of Marys.

None are angelic.

Mary was mother of Jesus.

If someone were to ask me to bear the child of God, I'd have to say no.

You'd abort the baby Jesus?

Abortion is murder!

Pay him no mind.

Listen, I host a radio show, and I'm doing a promotion tonight at the Tin Room.

It's about a 30-mile drive right on the county border.

Do they serve real drinks?

Does a bear shit in the woods?

(donkey brays)

(speaks indistinctly)

If I gave you a dollar, would you go away?

Come on, let's go and have a lap dance.

-Just go. -That's enough, Snake.

Thank God you're here.

Great show tonight, gorgeous.

Thank you, Jocelyn.

I'll have my usual, and can we get two shots?

Uh, no. No, no.

I can't drink. Bad things happen when I drink.

Make it four. Four shots.

You're going to kill me.

(Announcer) Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage Ambrosia Salad!

(cheering)

Guess what, ladies and gentlemen?

Ambrosia-palooza is back in business!

You're gonna need this.

(gagging)

And tonight, prizes will be awarded for the best impersonation of the wonderful, for the ever-so drop-dead gourgeous... me! Miss Ambrosia Salad!

(cheering) (makes clicking sound)

Well, apparently it's perfectly legal to do what they did here in Texas and in 28 other states.

I Googled it.

My brother went to school there, and he was terrorized.

I'm thinking I might want to do, like, a protest or something.

You know, peaceful, obviously, because enough people don't know about this.

We're outnumbered, baby.

That's why we had to drive so far to get here.

Well, I won't stand for it!

Ooh, that works fast.

Mm-hmm.

Uh, where's the bathroom?

(Ambrosia) We got any more volunteers for the contest tonight?

No. No, no.

No. No, no. Not me.

Gorgeous, um, what's your name, sir?

His name is Richard!

No, I don't have a name. That is not my name.

-Yes. -No. No. No!

I don't do this! No, no, no.

Looks like we found our final contestant in tonight's contest!

Come on, Karma. You are a bitch.

(both make clicking sound)


Ohh... shit.

(Reporter) This just in...

The storm, which is about 1,300 miles from land, has reached speeds in excess of 75 miles per hour.

In fact, the NHC has categorized Bianca as a category 1 hurricane.

Hurricane Bianca is going to cause more problems than anticipated.

Now we've got the lastest from Del Rio, Mexico, where residents are preparing for the worst.

(humming)

Good morning.

(Karma) Buenos dias, senorita.

And what is your name, my young lady friend?

(laughs) Hung Over.

Nice to meet you.

Hydrate.

Thank you.

(belches) Ooh.

Not a very polite lady.

Well, that's because I'm a man.

I think gender is really just a social construct, you know what I mean?

It is far too early to be talking about things like this.

You know, when I told you about my little brother that was terrorized in Milford High School--

Yes.

...I was talking about myself.

What?

Growing up, I thought I was just a little gay boy.

Then I realized there was a bit more to me than that.

I would have never have clocked you.

I don't tell a lot of people, FYI.

But I figured after last night, I could trust you.

Sure.

Oh, about last night.

I'm almost afraid to ask.

First, you introduced yourself as Wilma, Wilma Shitstink.

Then you wouldn't give the microphone back.

Well, if you were really funny, you wouldn't need me up here, would you?

(laughing)

You know what's funny?

Is that your name is Ambrosia Salad, and it looks like you eat everything but a salad.

Fact! (makes clicking sound)

Do I owe anybody an apology?

Are you kidding me, Wilma?

Everyone loved you.

You won the constest.

Well...

We're going to have to let you go.

See you never, flamesauce!

Mama thinks I have a chance at this year's Teacher of the Year award. The winner gets 25 grand.

Hmm.


(car engine revving)

(Radio Announcer) This just in...

In the next 48 hours, Hurricane Bianca is expected to strengthen and is forecast to become a category 4 or above.

(bell rings)

Hi.

I'm here to interview for the science teacher position.

What's your name?

Uh, Bianca, Bianca Del Rio.

Does the principal know you're coming?

Of course, Debbie.

It's Deb or Deborah.

Never Debbie.

Wow, what a gorgeous photo.

Is that you, Deb... bie?

Teacher of the Year ceremony, 1999.

Such a proud moment for our school.

First and last time Milford's ever won.

Hmm.

(telephone rings)

-Hmm? -What's next, Deborah?

Oh, some wannabe teacher, and a little retard who says he got beat up so he could get out of gym class.

Forgive me, Deb, but is this school part of the NEA?

The who?

The National Education Association that's trying to remove the R word from American schools.

(chuckling) Well...

Especially when used as slang in a negative or derogatory context.

Look, this particular student has been a problem at the school for quite some time.

-So just-- -Don't worry.

They're only trying to remove the word, not the people.

(whispering) You'll be safe.

(whispering) That's not funny.

It's not a joke.

Just a statement. Just a statement.

So, you're a cougar.

Uh, I'm-- I'm sorry.

Houston University Cougars.

Oh! Yes, Yes. Cougars.

Go, Cougars!

I grew up in Houston. Football scholarship.

Impressive.

(beep)

Sir, there's a real long list of students that need to see you right now.

(Richard) Can we talk about something off the record?

(Principal) Sure.

You're looking at your next teacher of the year.

(Principal) What makes you think that?

Hire me, and you'll get a lot more than just a brilliant science teacher.

I've got ideas, Wayne, lots of ideas than can help more than just the science department.

It can help the whole school.

Mm-mm. Mm-mm.

I can't pay you extra for all that.

My only reward will be the satisfaction that I gave back to a community that has treated me so well.

I want to sharpen your pencil, Wayne.

Oh! Disgusting.

That will work.

Good.

Nope. Nope.

I can't believe you're doing this.

Do you think she would wear this?

I mean, I want to keep her classy.

Richard, I'm worried about you.

I'm worried about you too, that you're not using enough moisturizer.

I'm serious.

I'm serious too.

That's why you're going to teach me everything you know.

The fate of this school rests on your dainty little sholder... pads.

Please tell me those are sholder pads.

Putting all this effort into this. Why?

Because you're pissed off!

You need to move on.

I was pissed, but I haven't given up hope on these kids.

They're not full-grown bigots yet, and all it takes is one teacher to change their lives.

Who's it going to be?

The one with the rodents on her boobs, or that stupid Coach Chuck?

Coach Chuck?

Yeah.

You know him?

You could say that.

Wait a minute.

You like him.

Absolutely not.

You think he's dreamy.

Stop!

You like him! You want to marry him!

Ow!

I have a secret to tell you.

Another one?

(whispering) So you know that I grew up as a boy, but what you don't know is--

Why are you whispering?

We've in your house alone.

(whispering) But what I didn't tell you is the experience that I had growing up.

Okay, you need to stop, bacause this is freaking me out.

Okay.

(whispering) So what I'm trying to say is--

You're doing it again!

This is difficult for me!

You need to calm down!

(both grunt in frustration)

Coach Chuck is my baby brother.

Is it a requirement in this town for everyone to be related?

We were close when I was younger, but...

I ran away after I came out.

You're the only person I've ever told any of this.

Let me get this straight.

So Miss Cartoon Boobs is related to Little Debbie Snack Cakes.

You used to be a man.

I'm dealing with my own identity issues, and now you're trying to convince me that you're related to Little Black Book and Titty Cake?

So you won't say anything?

Who could I possibly tell that would believe this shit, Karma?

Is this the front, or the back?

It's a poncho, bitch.

(Over PA) We'd like to introduce the newest member to Milford's teaching staff.

Starting today in the senior science department, please welcome Miss Del Rio.

Smear the queer! Smear the queer!

Yeah!

(shouts indistinctly)

Smear the queer! Smear the queer!

Smear the queer!

(chanting continues)

(air horn sounds)

Get some of that! Get--

What the... What... What on earth?

(air horn continues to blast)

She's not going to last.

She might last longer than Professor Gaywad.

I give her two days.

I give her two minutes.

Let's start with covalent bonds.

Um, Miss Del Taco?

(laughing)

Call me Miss Bianca.

It's easier for you to pronounce.

Um, when we have a substitute teacher, we always just get a study period.

Oh, really?

What's your name, sweetheart?

I'm Keely.

Keely?

Well, I'm going to call you Bath Mat.

(laughing)

Not because of that lovely vest you're wearing.

It's because I think you smell like feet.

(laughing)

Bath Mat, you have detention after school.

For what?

Did you happen to notice your classmate getting beat up?

Yeah, but I wasn't doing it.

No, but you laughed and didn't help.

It's just as bad.

Detention, two hours.

(laughing) And you!

Detention all week.

I have football practice!

Not my problem.

I love your outfit. Where did you get it?

Salvation Army? (laughing)

No, I got it from someone named Lady Gaga.

Heard of her?

What? Like, at a concert?

No. Like, we're friends from New York.

(gasping)

Yeah, and Britney Spears is your sister.

No. But Cher is my cousin.

Bullshit.

(laughing)

What's your name? Oh, wait.

I know what we're going to call you.

White Trash that Won't Burn.

(laughing)

(gasping)

(groaning)

Miss Dorito?

(laughs)

Hey, James and the Giant Peach, keep it down.

(laughing)

You can't call me that. My parents are lawyers.

Your parents are siblings. Now shut-up!

Look, we all pitched in and got these for you.

To welcome you to Milford High.

Oh, how nice.

Bath Mat, pass these out.

They're for you. (chuckles nervously)

Hand them out to the class, Bath Mat.

I'm feeling very generous today.

Miss Del Rio, may I have a word?

Of course!

What a lovely, unexpected surprise, Deb... bie.

Outside!

(Students) Ooh!

(laughing)

I understand you're new here, Miss Del Rio, but it is against school policy to feed the students.

So that's why you're here. You smell food.

I wanted to give this to you before you started your lesson.

Creationism. Hmm.

Now, is this from the school board, or your own personal collection?

Well, we believe in teaching an alternative.

Miss Ward, these opinions are far more religious than scientific.

God created the universe.

That's not an opinion. That's a fact.

This is a science class, not a Sunday school.

Let me make something very clear, Miss Del Rio.

It is in your best interest to get along with me.

Let me make something very clear to you, Debbie.

I'm fucking this cat. You just hold the legs.

Got it?

(clapping)

(laughing)

Silence! Read chapter eight for tomorrow.

There will be a quiz.

(Karma) Stay calm.

There's eyelash glue in the emergency kit I made you.

Oh, yes! I found it. Thank you.

There's also a disposable razor in case you need a touch up.

Nobody likes a hairy lady.

You are a lifesaver. Mwah! Thanks.

(Chuck) You okay, pretty girl?

Uh, yeah. Everything's fine.

You know this is the men's room, don't you?

God!

Well, I don't... I don't have my contacts in!

So you're the new science guru.

Uh, yeah. Today is my very first day.

I'm, uh, Bianca.

-Coach Chuck. -Yeah.

And good luck with that group.

Yeah, they really are a...

-a handful. -Yeah.

Lucky you weren't here last year.

Two of my kids climbed to the roof and made bets on who's going to hit the ground first if they jump.

Shit.

Well, they're fine now.

-But it was a mess. -Hmm.

And you know what the French say.

Mi casa es su casa.

-It means, That's life. -Yeah.

You are so cultured.

I'm sure I'll be seeing you.

I'm sure.

(sighs)

(cheering)

Let's go, Mavericks!

Whoo!

That smells real good.

Oh, it's honey gloss. It smells delicious.

It tastes good, too.

(cheering with excitement)

(Announcer) Touchdown!

Go team! Go team! That's the wrong team, stupid!

(Cheerleaders) Ready? Okay!

U-G-L-Y... You ain't got no alibi!

You ugly! Yeah, yeah, you ugly!

Whoo!

(Richard) Oh, my God, ladies. That wouldn't ignite a fart.

You think you can do better?

Well, they can't get any worse.

Will you shut up already?

Will you?

-Come on, Mavericks. -Whoo! Whoo!

Okay, ladies, you want to make this happen?

Let me show you something that Miles Cyrus taught me in Amsterdam.

Whoo!

I know, I know. Shh! Listen.

So what you're going to have to do first--

(Announcer) First down for the visiting Bison, leaving Milford trailing by four.

Looks like any hope the Mavericks had of breaking their losing streak will be dashed.

Tits up!

Sparkle, Keely, sparkle.

Y-- Ugh.

Hut! Hut! Hike!

One, two, three...

...five, six, seven, eight.

We are the Maverick girls! We wear our hair in curls!

We wear our dungarees above our dirty knees!

We wear no underwear!

Check out our derriere!

Whoo!

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

Holy shit!

(blows whistle) Touchdown!

(cheering, exclaiming)

Good work! Whoo!

Cheer, damn it! Cheer!

(Announcer) This is the first win of the season for the Mavericks.

I did not say touch me.

(shouting indistinctly, cheering)

Your hair smells delicious.

(cheering)

Another day with Miss Dorito.

She's almost as hot as Miss First.

Almost.

Come on, you've never had Miss First.

Neither have you.

Frick and Frack, this is not TV.

I can hear you.

So what do you say?

I know a real romantic spot under the bleachers.

Oh, please. I already gave to charity.

(scoffing)

Okay, shit stains!

We're going to try something new today.

Did everybody do the reading? Hmm?

White Trash?

Muffin Top?

(giggling)

Man Boobs?

(laughing)

What about you, Bath Mat? Bath Mat?

What?

Did you do the reading?

Yes.

Good.

Then you're going to enjoy our little game today.

Now, everyone takes out the volcanoes that I have prepared.

Oh, yeah.

Now please put on your safety gear and follow my instructions.

I am only going to ask once.

Now remove the liquid bottles, and can anybody name the dark bottle?

Nitroglycerin.

Speak up.

Um, nit-- nitroglycerin.

Yes! Nitroglycerin.

Nitroglycerin is a colourless liquid that's used as an active ingredient to manufacture explosives.

Oh, yeah! (chuckling)

This is a very, very interesting chemical.

Now, can anybody tell me what the second bottle is?

Orange nitrate.

That's correct! Orange nitrate.

This chemical comes in a variety of colours.

The interesting thing about orange nitrate is--

(screaming)

-Ooh! -Oh!

What the hell?

(laughing)

Your face is orange.

So is yours.

Oh, dear.

You didn't happen to mix the two chemicals together now, did you?

(laughing)

Was this a trick?

Oh, please. If you'd have done your homework assignment, you would know that orange nitrate cause skin discoloration.

What?

Who looks like a Dorito now?

(scoffs)

There you are, children.

This is what happens when you don't do your homework.

It's only going to get worse. (bell rings)

-Bye, Miss Del Rio. -Hey!

I notice you avoided most of the damage today.

Oh, well, yeah. I mean, I actually read the chapter last week, so I knew the surprise, but that was still really awesome.

Good job, Bobby.

You know my real name?

Who am I fooling? Of course I know your real name.

Now, tell me. What's going on here?

Oh, I mean, I could say something, but I've already complained to Principal Wayne about a hundred times, so...

What's the deal?

There are these guys that follow me home from school a lot and call me names, push me down.

You know, Bobby, sometimes people are douchebags just to make themselves feel better.

It has nothing to do with you.

Now, do you have keys?

Keys?

Like house keys.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Let me show you a little trick my mom taught me

-when I was younger. -Okay.

What you do is you make a fist, and you put the keys in between your fingers.

-Like Wolverine? -That's it!

And listen, this is going to leave a mark and you don't even have to hit that hard.

-Revenge at its finest! -That's it.

(moaning in pain)

Okay, Bobby.

Why don't you just leave the revenge to us grownups?

-Okay? -Okay.

(Chuck) Hey! Miss Del Rio!

Hey, Coach Chuck! Big win last night.

Congratulations.

I gotta say, I saw how you helped the girls last night.

The cheers were really something.

Yeah, it's amazing what the handicapped can accomplish.

(chuckles) You're funny.

You should see me naked.

(chuckling) Really?

You know what, Coach?

There is something I wanted to ask you.

Some kids in my class were talking about Miss First.

-Who is she? -No idea.

Come on, Coach. You gotta know.

If I knew, I would tell you.

Can I ask you something?

I suppose.

Can I take you out sometime?

No.

I'm not like most other guys.

I'm not like most other women.

So say yes.

All right, Coach Chuck.

You want to take me out on a date, you better bring your A-game.

I'll be ready after 6:00.

I love it when they play hard to get.


Girl!

Let's just say things are not turning out as I had planned.

Are you okay?

Yeah, you can tell us anything. We won't judge.

All right.

Well, for starters, I got fired as soon as I got here, and then I had to start dressing as a woman so I could get my job back.

Then I started lying to the children, telling them that I knew famous people so that they would like me.

I mean, who lies to children?

Well...

And to top it off, right now I'm at a rollerskate rink with the football coach, on a date, and he thinks my name is Bianca.

Hello?

Word, bitch! Yeah!

-Yeah! Suck his dick. -Uh-uh.

He's actually taking a leak, and I'm trying to grab us some beers.

Oh!

Don't drink too much.

Yeah. Bad things happen when you drink too much.

Oh, really? Coming from you?

Don't try it.

You remember that thing with the candlestick?

(cackles) (laughs)

I'll call you back later. I've got things to do. Bye.

-Okay, bye. -Bye.

-Don't hit my phone, ho. -Shh...

-You don't pay my bill. -...up.

-You got a four. -Change the channel.

Ow! (giggling)

So I was going to take you to a stuffy, fancy old restaurant, but I figured this would be a way more fun way to get to know each other.

Well, I love this place.

It's really adorable.

It's more than adorable.

It's really romantic.

Uh, yeah.

And it also gives us a lot of time to talk about that Miss First character.

Are you still on that, Nancy Drew?

Actually, I look more like Nancy Grace.

But spill it! Spill it. Tell me.

She's what you call a myth, which means she ain't real.

Uh, yeah, I know what a myth is, Chuck.

Well, they say that Miss First turns the boy into men, if you know what I mean.

Oh, it's got to be that Carly chick.

She seems really trampy.

What makes you think I know.

Well, I would assume you have her number in your little black book.

How do you know about that?

I mean, come one, Fread Flintstone.

Who the hell carries around a book with phone numbers in it anymore?

I only show that to folks I'm trying to impress.

Well, you're really impressing me, Chuck.

So tell me, do you have a big family?

You are really, really pretty.

You are really, really drunk.

So do you have any brothers and sisters?

I mean, it seems to be the theme down here in the south.

I want to kiss you so bad right now.

Listen, I'm trying to get to know you, you idiot.

You know, you are as mean as a snake, and I love that about you.

Look, I'm already falling for you.

Get up, you big oaf!

Oh!

Mm.

Oh, mother of Christ. We're late.

What time is it?

(Chuck) What's the matter?

Uh, nothing.

I just have the worst morning breath ever.

(Chuck) Did anything happen between us?

I mean, sex-wise?

Oh, God. I hope not.

(Chuck) Why would you say that?

Because sex can ruin a beautiful friendship.

Not if you're real, real good at it.

Can you, like, put all of that away, please?

You can hitch a ride with me.

You going to take a quick shower?

Uh, sometimes a lady needs more than a quick shower.

I hear you.

All right. (toilet flushes)

She's as crooked as a dog's hind legs, and you know it.

And Principal Wayne knows it.

I sure as hell do.

She's worn out her welcome, as far as I'm concerned.

As long as I get a Teacher of the Year nomination, I'm happy.

I'll make sure of that.

Don't you worry.

We'll get rid of that skunk faster than shit through a goose.

(smacks her lips)

Mama, you don't think they're too big, though, do you?

Oh, you look beautiful. Come on.

I knew it!

I can explain.

Shaving is a really, really good exfoliator.

You think I'm dumber than a box of hammers, don't you?

Yes, it's me. Richard.

Yes, Richard from New York.

Richard that everybody hates.

Richard that got fired.

You don't have to kneel.

I can see you fine from where you were.

I-I wanted to kneel.

That's really condescending.

My feet hurt! That's why.

My feet hurt! It's not all about you.

Fine.

I know this is going to sound crazy, but after they got rid of me, who are they going to get to teach these kids?

Carly?

Everyone thinks she's sweet, but she's just as much of a jerk as her mom.

You notice that too, huh?

I notice everything.

Do me a favor.

Keep your eye on her, and let me know if she's got any funny business going on.

-You can count on me... sir. -Oh, cute. Real cute.

Why don't you go mop the yellow brick road or something?

To celebrate today being a half day of school, we're going to play a little game.

(cherring)

And here we go.

Who can name the substance that cells use as an immediate source of energy?

Keely?

I wasn't raising my hand.

Did you do the homework?

Yeah. I just don't know the answer.

Come on up here, Keely.

Come up.

(Students) Ooh! -Right here.

Why didn't you complete the assignment, Bath Mat?

Um...

Now, come here. Stand closer.

Closer so I look prettier.

(laughing)

Now, what did you do last night?

She went to a college party!

Oh, really?

How was that?

Uh, the pool was filthy, and the music was torrible.

And that's worse than terrible and horrible combined.

-Sounds horrible. -Uh, torrible.

I think the real question is, what did you do last night, Miss Del Rio?

Coach Chuck said, you were grade A.

(chuckling)

Get up here!

(Students) Ooh!

Now, look at me.

Come here.

Now, look at me.

Both eyes.

Bring that lazy one around.

There we go. There we go.

(laughing)

Tell me, big man.

What happened to your face?

Oh, uh...

My girlfriend got a little wild last night.

(Student) Yeah! (Richard) Yeah, whatever.

Okay, listen. The question is, what is the cause of most infectious diseases?

Oh, I know this one.

Raise ya hand.

Keely?

Microorganisms?

Mm, pollutants.

And Keely is correct!

(applause)

Now for a closer look into more microorganisms, you could read page 43, or just look into Tommy's pants.

(laughing)

It's a joke. Good for you, Keely.

(clapping)

(Chuck) You need a ride home?

Uh, no. I'm-- I'm okay.

I have a friend picking me up, thanks.

I had a real, good time last night.

Yeah. Uh, me-- me too.

(car horn beeping)

Oh, you know what? Th-that's her.

Gotta go! Bye!

(sighing)

What the fucking fuck?

It's not what it looks like.

Are you sleeping with my brother.

No!

Gross! Oh, no!

I'm just messing with his head.

Can I trust you to stay away from my brother?

Maybe you should talk to him.

He might be a really cool guy, for all you know.

You have no idea.

Just don't worry about it.

He teaches right across the hall.

If you ever!

Okay, fine.

I will not talk about him.

I will not talk about you, or that hat!

Oh!

Drive!

(engine starting)

Slut!

(slurping)

So, um, are you from around this area?

Yeah. A few miles outside of Milford.

I really like it here.

It's rather charming.

I'm trying to convince my brother to come down and visit sometime.

-Oh, yeah? -Yeah, but, um...

(whispering) He's gay.

Oh.

Well, you know, it's getting better down here.

It used to be real bad for gay dudes.

Mm.

Do, uh, you have any siblings?

Can I tell you a secret?

Sure.

I had a gay brother too, growing up.

He used to get beat up a lot.

Must have been a real chick magnet for you.

I never thought about that.

It's not like I went to gay bars with him or nothing.

I would have.

I just get annoyed getting hit on by dudes.

But I guess it comes with the territory having an ass this good.

(chuckles)

So, um, what happened to your brother?

He ran away.

I haven't seen him since right before his 19th birthday, bit I swear, I'd give my right nut to know that little shit is okay.

He brought it up! I promise!

Get out!

What?

I specifically asked you not to stir anything up with him.

But this is good news!

At least it's a start.

I really think you shold talk to him.

I really think you should mind your own business!

Let me get this straight.

You have a radio show where you give people advice about relationship problems, and the way that you deal with your own is by running away from them?

You don't know these people, Richard.

Do you think my parents were happy when they found out I was gay?

No!

But eventually, they came around.

My situation is a little bit different!

All I'm saying is that you can't judge people for mistreating you about something that they know nothing about.

All I'm saying is you don't have to go home, but you can't stay here!

(sighs)

(gasps)

(cackling)

Grand Inn. Can you hold, please?

Okay.

Two twin beds or a single queen?

A single queen.

(sobbing)

Single queen.

Oh, dear.

(Karma on radio) Take my advice.

Whatever it is you're going through, surround yourself with as many friends as possible.

This is the time to patch up old relationships.

That's it for the Karma Sutra show.

Good night.

(Voice outside) Listen, this was your stupid ass idea.

Girl, can you get off Grinder for a second and do something useful?

Useful? I wanted to text Richard, and tell him we were coming the fuck down here, but you said, No, let's make it a surprise!

Oh, my God! What are you guys doing here?

You better tie your shoes bacause you're tripping, bitch!

Hey!

Richard!

Oh, we decided to stop on our way down to White Party.

Yeah, this is a really shitty place.

I'll explain.

So we asked for a room with one bed.

Because it was cheaper and not because-- gross.

You should be so lucky. Ha.

Anyway, but when that cigarette-smoking lunch lady bitch behind the counter realized we were two dudes, she changed the reservation from one queen to two double beds, which was $50 more.

You know I cannot take you seriously looking like that.

You don't think I'm pretty?

You're the prettiest girl on the planet...

(Both) ...of the apes! (laughing)

So what else did we miss?

Well, I just think everybody was right.

What the hell am I doing here?

You're following your dreams. That's adorable.

Well, it looks like I'm going to be following y'all back home.

You say y'all now?

-Stay here. Barf. -Shut up.

Richard, why would you quit?

Well, to be honest, A, the kids are already doing better, B, I'm going to get fired again, and, C, I miss brunch.

Come to White Party!

Yeah! Come to White Party!

No, no, no. I said brunch.

Eggs are white.

Nice, job, Tommy.

Mr. Bobby.

Here you go.

I got a B-plus!

(gasps) I've never even got a B defore.

Very well-written, Bath Mat.

You actually have a bright future.

If you work hard!

Oh, my God!

I got a B-minus!

That is so unexpected.

Well, I guess you're no longer the dumbest class in school.

At least on paper.

(chuckling) (intercom beeps)

Please excuse the interruption.

Miss Del Rio?

Principal Wayne would like a see you after class.

(Students) Ooh!

What'd you do?

Come on? Tell us?

Shut up!

(laughing)

Principal Wayne, your daughter is gorgeous!

That's my wife.

Oh!

It's your wife. Well, she's, uh, very blonde.

I've asked you to come here because I'm, uh, faced with a very difficult decision.

Join the club.

I notice you've been taking a... very unusual approach with your students.

Well, Principal Wayne, some of the kids are assholes, and I have to treat them accordingly.

The language you use could be argued as inappropriate to some.

Some of them deserve it.

You feel it's working?

In fact, I do.

Then I've made up my mind, Bianca.

I've made up my mind as well, sir.

I've decided to nominate you--

You don't have to fire me. I quit.

...for Teacher of the Year.

-What? -What?

What?!

Ah! I don't know what to say!

I...

Not one student has missed a single class since you started.

That is unprecedented.

(beep) This is outrageous!

I'm sure it didn't hurt that you lied to them.

Oh, why don't you go ahead and tell us all about your cousin Cher, huh?

Or your best friend, Lady Ga-ga? How's she doing?

Well, I... I haven't talked to her in a while.

You really know this Lady Ga-ga?

Yes, sir.

Oh!

You are so full of shit, Bianca.

If that even is your real name!

Do you think it would be too much to invite this Lady Ga-ga to the ceremony?

It would be great publicity for the school.

I will certainly ask her.

(sighs)

Okay.

(phone rings)

Mama?

Hi.

Yeah. This line always takes forever.

Yeah, I'll meet you in a few.

I'm just getting my hair done.

-I could color for you. -Thank you.

-Yeah, -I could color for you!

Oh, you always talk on the phone.

Talk talk on the phone.

Never talk to me.

You only white lady who come in here and never talk to me.

Don't come back!

Bye!

Hi.

(screams)

(Richard) Shit! What the fuck?!

(shouting indistinctly)

Part one's done, Sis.

You found her?

Well, of course I found her.

Now make sure no one else will.

And no scars, right?

(cackles)

Nothing visible.

You got it, darling. (cackles)

-Hey. -Oh!

Mama!

Oh!

(laughing, crying)

You look beautiful.

(crying) Thank you.

Oh, Daddy.

(knocking)

Oh, God.

Chuck doesn't cry.

(laughing, crying)

You look beautiful.

Thank you.

Hey, Mom.

(Chuck) Oh, that's a good hug.

A good hug.

(Richard) This has gone too far!

I'm a science teacher, for Christ's sake.

What is this? Unsolved Mysteries bullshit?

What can I say?

I can't believe what just happened.

Thanks for being such a good friend.

I'm glad you're in my life, Richard.

You're still not allowed to sleep with my brother.

Bye, bitch.

You know that you're going to jail.

This-- (voice muffled)

You know Carly wanted that teacher award you're after.

Sis always makes sure Carly gets what she wants.

I'm just supposed to keep an eye on you until the ceremony is over.

Now I've got to leave you out here!

Hey, I know it might be weird to call, but something crazy just happened I want to tell you about it.

Also, I had a really great time with you the other night.

I hope we can do it again soon.

See you soon, pretty girl.

(Willie) Sorry, lady.

Blood is thicker than water.

What that means to you is family always comes first.

(lighter clicks)

What the hell?

(Richard) Fuck off, Fatty!

(grunting)

(Willie) Shit! Son of a Bitch!

You fucking bitch!

When I find you, I'm going to cut you open like a cow!


(snake hissing)

(Richard) Housekeeping!

Morning, angels.

I knew you were going to be hungover.

-Where have you been, girl? -Ooh, coffee.

Listen, I can explain.

But first, I need you to meet my friend.

This is Karma, and Janice, Janice, Karma, Stephen, Bailey.

(All) Hi.

Okay, I need your help.

Uh-uh.

See, we called you, like, 50 times yesterday.

Someone from the school tried to have him kidnapped!

I heard everything!

Hold up. They're kidnapping bitches over here?

Oh, hell to the no.

See, you need to call the police.

You cannot call the police here because everybody is related.

It's not a real town.

It's like a big family reunion.

What?

-Explain. -Okay.

It's like sometimes when you walk in the club, and then you look around, and you're like, Well, damn, I done slept with everybody up in here.

-Oh, okay. -Proceed.

Well, look. I have a plan.

Ooh, look at you, sounding like Miss Tranny MacGyver Fish. Yes!

Well, I've had time to think about it because I've been walking for 13 miles.

What?

Explain.

Um, it's like walking from Soho to Harlem.

Don't they have Uber here?

(groaning)

(Richard) Hurricanes form in tropical regions because they need warm water of at least 80 degrees Fahrenheit.

The most characteristic feature of hurricanes is their eye, a region of dry air about which the strongest winds circulate.

(thunder crashing)


(chanting) Gaga! Gaga! Gaga!

(chanting continues) This is the Karma Sutra show, live from the Texas Theater, where there are rumors that there will be an appearance by Lady Gaga at tonight's Teacher of the Year Ceremony.

Who the hell are you?

I'm part of G's security team, and I need to go through this building and make sure it's secure before the event.

Whose security team?

G's security team.

Yeah. Who's G?

G. Lady Gaga. G.

This has been cleared for weeks.

Oh, well, this is news to me.

Well, you listen to me, Polka Dot.

Now, Lady Gaga herself is on her way here from the airport, and if I'm not able to go through this building and make sure it's secure from crackheads and cracks in the ceiling, then I will makes a call.

She will turn around, and trust me, you don't want that.

Gaga! Gaga!

(chanting continues) All right. Go ahead.

Thank you.

Nice dress.

Hey! Knock it off out there!

Gaga! Gaga!

(panting)

Ooh, I've got to start going to the gym.

Oh!

Oh!

Ah! Son of a bitch! Ah!

Be careful!

Girl, I'm sorry.

I was going to cut you a breathing hole, I promise.

All right, come on, Reese Littlespoon.

(snaps fingers)

Hi.

Oh, hello.

Uh, okay, Wayne, here you go.

And here is one for your daughter.

That's my wife.

(giggles)

Oh, you.

Oh!

(cheering)

She's coming!

Ah! It's really her!

My feet are killing me.

Keep your mouth shut, Gaga.

The queen of pop music has arrived.

Hello, and welcome, everyone, to the annual District 214 Teacher of the Year ceremony.

(applause)

(thunder crashing)

I am so lucky to be here to introduce some of our very talented staff tonight.

And pinch me now!

We have a very special guest.

I still can't believe it.

Lady Gaga took time out of her very busy schedule to join us this evening.

(applause/cheering)

Are you having a good time, Gaga?

Mm-hmm.

Can you tell that to your face?

Unfortunately, one of our teachers, Miss Del Rio, had some problems and was forced to resign.

(moaning, muttering)

When did this happen?

It's all under control, Wayne.

-Shay-shay. -Very shady.

(Superintendent) But not to worry.

Milford High will still be represented.

They decided to send Carly Ward as an alternate.

(applause)

(Richard) Scientists have warned residents to be beware of storms with female names, as they are perceived to be less threatening, but are significantly more likely to kill you.

Now let's take a moment to get to know some of our nominees.

(applause)

Our first nominee is Mr. Homer Flint from Nacogdoches.

(applause)

Homer is favourite at this hight school because of some of his strong and visionary leadership, a clear vision of his goals, and his impeccable style.

(laughing)

Our next nominee is from Meadowlakes...

Sue Ellen Spencer.

She is known for her fun, laid back creative writing classes...

-Huh? -Sex scandal! Oh!

What is going down in the school yard?

Them desks is dirty.

(gasping, murmuring) Huh?

Oh! This thing is broken.

Shut it down!

(whistles) Shut it down!

What the hell?

(gasping, murmuring) (Deb) Hey!

This-- this isn't-- Shut this down!

Oh, my God!

Not in my school!

That's not me!

That's not me! It's just...

It's... It's any short person.

What the hell?

Things have taken a strange turn here.

Miss First, the mysterious, and up until now, anonymous woman that has been seducing young boys has been revealed as Deborah Ward!

Oh, quiet down, everybody!

Oh, God!

Look, this is not true!

This is a conspiracy!

(murmuring, shouting)

(grunting)

Will somebody fix the dang projector already?!

Oh!

Oh! (gasping)

What... It's biting me!

Ah! (deflating sound)

(laughing)

Oh! (laughs)

Girl!

(gasping)

(deflating sound)

(laughing)

Did she just get botched?

She's going to need a Band-Aid!

No!

No!

(Deb) Where are you?

Pick up! Pick up, Willie!

Willie, pick up!

(muffled yelling) Let me out of here!

Somebody let me out of here!

(Deb) Willie!

Willie, get back to me right now!

Oh!

(moaning) Ooh.

(toilet flushing)

Oh, Debbie!

Don't you look fancy tonight?

You!

Sorry I'm a little late.

I was tied up!

Give me these!

Get out of my way.

Has anybody ever told you, Debbie, that you have beautifully shapped lips?

Yes.

(chuckling) And you know you need to be really careful with that face of yours.

You might attract a swarm of men.

(laughing)

(screaming)

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God! It's just like My Girl!

Oh! Oh!

(screaming)

Without further ado, I'd like to announce the winner, before anything else falls on us.

The winner of this year's Teacher of the Year award is...

Well, this is awkward.

Carly Ward?

(gasping, murmuring)

Rigged!

Wh-- Oh...

Superintendent Howard! The information that disqualified our original nominee was given to you on false pretenses.

What makes you say that, Wayne?

Because Deborah Ward and her daughter are filthy liars!

-We want Bianca! -Yeah, we want Bianca!

Bianca!

Bianca!

Bianca!

(chanting continues) Bianca!

(Chuck) Bianca.

Where you been?

I think Lady Gaga was hitting on me.

Oh, yeah?

But don't worry.

I told her I was already taken.

(chanting Bianca continues)

(clapping and cheering) Bianca!

Do you think we need a recount?

(clapping and cheering)

Well, all right then.

Thank you, District 214.

When I started, I didn't know if I was going to fit in, but one thing that was consistent was this remarkable staff who didn't skip a beat in allowing me into their community.

When I arrived, every single student I had was failing.

Each one has shown improvement of at least 40%.

All of this, coming from someone you said, was as embarrassment to your community.

(gasping) What?

Holy fucking shit.

(Both) I knew it.

She's a dude?

A man.

A man?

I got punked.

That was really fucking good.

(laughing)

This is Bianca.

(confetti popping)

(gasping and laughing)

It's messed up my hair.

Oh, it's pretty.

Yes!

Word!

All of you have some very serious explaining to do.

I can barely move my mouth.

Beestung lips are really in right now.

(crying) Do you know how expensive these were?

Oh, baby.

I must say, I have seen better behavior from some of your worst students!

Richard, do me a favor?

Take a look at the front page.

(crying) Why? Why?

'Why is my school racist against gay people?' By Keely Carson.

Oh, Wayne, come on.

You cannot give in to these kinds of special interest groups.

Chuck.

On it.

Sorry, ma'am, the Principal asked me to be here for extra security.

What? Hey, let go of me, you overgrown maggot! Hey--

Don't think I won't be calling the law, Miss Ward.

Oh, are you kidding me?

Is this a joke?

Come on! That kid's been held back, like, six times.

He said he was legal!

He did! Did you see that guy?

Now, as for you, young lady.

(Deb continues to rant)

I have no proof that you were involved in any of this.

Looks like you've suffered enough already.

(Deb) You know who you're messing with?

And to think I was going to let you touch these!

(crying)

Just one more thing, Richard.

Yes, sir.

Please stay out of the ladies' room.

(laughing)

I'll try.

(call, speak indistinctly)

(Keely's voice) I used to be one of those people that didn't really care about gay people, but then we had this teacher, and everyone was torrible to him, including me.

But I didn't think he would get fired or anything.

(Richard) All right, guys!

Who's ready to graduate?

(Keely) Furthermore so, I think the school should have, like, some protection program, or something, to protect gay people.

Because my friend Bobby is a total homo, but he won't come out because he'll probably get beat up.

Well, at least more so than he already does.

Anyway, thank you for reading my article.

Keely Carson.

(laughing)

All right!

Please help me welcome back to the stage someone very important...

Put your hands together and make some noise for the one, the only, Bianca Del Rio! (cheering)

-Thank you, Ambrosia! Mwah. -Mwah.

(cheering)

Yeah, Miss Del Rio!

Oh, my God.

What are you guys doing here?

Do your parents know you're here?

Security!

(laughing)

Okay, listen, we have to get this show started, and I can only start the show with a drunk, straight girl.

Do we have any drunk, straight girls in the audience?

Thumbelina, come on up!

I know you!

This is my good girlfriend, Janice.

All right.

Who is ready to see Janice to an interpretive dance?

(cheering/applause)

All right. You ready, bitch?

Let's do it.

Hit it, DJ!

(Karma) Janice took over as the dance captain of the Lady Maverick cheerleading squad, which became her cover when she was recruited for Secret Ops at the CIA.

Anyway, you know, I have to say...

(laughing)

...oh, you two.

On your fucking phones. Rude.

...as Stephen and Bailey continued to look for dates on Grinder, they realized they'd accidentally been talking to each other.

Bailey still lives on Stephen's futon, but sometimes gets an upgrade.

So... Oh, thank you!

What are you doing here?

I came to see my girlfriend.

Houston, we got lots of problems, mainly you.

I won the Texas Excellence in Radio award for my coverage of the Teacher of the Year ceremony.

Chuck and I are closer than ever.

He's still trying to add Bianca to his little black book.

Richard used his winnings to find a nicer apartment, and started a theater program at the school.

I finally got to meet his cousin, who's not really Cher.

(Richard) Well, she is every Tuesday, Thursday, and Friday.

(Karma) In the end, Hurricane Bianca was just the right kind of storm that this little town needed.

(laughing)