I Am Not Okay with This S1E2 Script

The Master of One F**k (2020)

Dear Diary, happy fucking Friday.

♪ This time ♪

♪ Make no mistakes ♪

♪ Keep all your secrets Locked up in your heart safe ♪

Hey, Syd. Hm?

Do you think Banana Wigglesworth knows he's a hedgehog?

And if he does, do you think he likes being one?

Goob, trust me, Banana's proud to be a hedgehog.

No question.

Last night, I almost convinced myself that I cracked the wall in my bedroom without touching it.

Mom says if you stare at the toaster too long, it'll never pop.

But that's just what happens when you live in a shitty house with a shitty foundation.

Stuff starts to crack.

Yeah, well, see, what Mom doesn't know is that I can do stuff with my mind.

Cool! Can I see?

♪ This time, make no mistake ♪

♪ Keep all your secrets Locked up in your heart safe... ♪ Whoa!


Didn't you wear that sweater yesterday?

Yeah, Mom. I did.

'Cause I'm disgusting.


Listen, I need you to do some shopping for me today

'cause we're about to run out of everything.

No thanks. - I wasn't asking.

How am I supposed to bring all this home? However you got it home last time.

In exchange for... sexual favors with strangers. Got it.


Hey, change your sweater.


You're making me look like a bad mom.

And I'm a friggin' good mom!

Grocery shopping. This is my life.

Meanwhile, Dina's dating Brad and all I've got is...

Hey, Syd!


♪ Hey, little girl ♪

♪ You wanna cut me off ♪

♪ Hey, little girl ♪

♪ Hey, little girl ♪

- ♪ I'm really likin' your fringe ♪ Hey.

- ♪ Yeah, yeah ♪ Hey.

You goin' to school? - ♪ Hey, little girl ♪ Yup. - Yeah.

- ♪ You really got me shy, hey ♪ Yeah, me too.

♪ Hey, little girl ♪

♪ I hope you're goin' my way ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ We can meet up after school and ♪

♪ Hang out at the park ♪

♪ Don't let the June go Pretty please, now... ♪ Can you believe some people are already asking dates to homecoming?

So stupid. It's so far away.


Yeah, totally.

Super far.

Like... like a whole week.

Let's go, girls. Get up.

Well, I hate to ask, but... can you give me a ride after school? Mm...

My mom just wants me to go grocery shopping again.

I know it's lame, but...

No, no, no, Syd. I swear to God, I would.

I sort of promised Brad I would go to the pep rally with him. So...

But isn't the pep rally for people like...

People like what, Syd?

People with, you know...


I know it's stupid, but it's a pretty big game, you know?

You're going to the game too?

Yeah. Do you wanna go?

Sorry. I... What?

It's just... that jacket.

He's never given his jacket to anyone before.

Mm-hm. It's sweet.



So... Ladies, time to play!

♪ Baby, I'm over here ♪

- ♪ Waiting for ♪ So Dina ditched me to hang out

- with Bradley "Dick for Brains" Lewis. ♪ You, my dear ♪

- Wore his stupid jacket... ♪ My dear, with your ♪

- ♪ Unkempt smile... ♪ ...like some gross couple from the '50s.

And I need to still find a way to buy some fucking groceries and get them fucking home.

What the fuck?

Desperate times, stupid measures.

Hey, I need your car. - Oh, hey, Syd.

Not for long. Just, like, you know, an hour.

Are you kidding?

My dad would murder me.

He doesn't even know I drive that piece of shit around.

Do you even have a license?

Of course I do.


Let me see it.

Ah, forget it.


W... Ah, no, no, no! Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

It's fine. It's fine. I got this.

But I'm driving.

Uhh... Gladys, I'm gonna take 20.

Stan's car smelled like weed.

Just like my dad's old truck.

I'd always ask him about it when I was a kid.

I'd ask why his truck smelled like skunk.

Years later, I finally realized my dad was a stoner.

Hey, do you, um... do you see that tower over there?

It's been there since, uh... 1890-somethin'.

Story goes that a hundred men died building it.

There's no way it took one hundred men to build that piece of shit.

Okay, well, it... it was probably more like five, but my great-great-great-granddad was one of 'em.

He was not great.

Well, now that I think about it, every Barber male tends to be a shithead.

So, guess it's up to me to redeem the good old family name.

I've never seen your dad. Like, ever.

He drives an 18-wheeler, like, 25 days a month.

Cool. Yeah.

My life is way better when he's not around.

Wish he'd just stay gone, you know?

And I just wish my dad was still here.

Oh, I didn't...

I... I didn't mean to... to, like...

It doesn't bother me.

Sorry, I just need to drop something off real quick.

There might be more to Stanley Barber than I thought.

See you next week.

What are you, like a drug dealer or something?

I have clients.

Shit! How many?


Technically, one's my cousin.

Just here.

If you think shopping sucks, you can wait here.

Turns out, there's definitely more to Stan than I thought.

I'm here to support a friend. - ♪ Chug-a-lug, chug-a-lug... ♪ I mean, he's still pretty weird, but he's also funny.

I mean, not that funny.

Never mind, okay? Okay.

But he helped me out when Dina totally bailed.

That would ruin the fun of it. - ♪ Grape wine in a mason jar ♪

- ♪ Homemade and brought to school ♪ Oh, fun!


Very boring shopping experience. - ♪ By a friend of mine and after class ♪ Yeah, it's pretty... pretty great. - ♪ Me and him and this other fool ♪ Okay, it's gonna be... $67.99.

Fuck. Mom only gave me 50 bucks.

Uh... Can you ring it up again? I think you overcharged me.

Which item, hon?

All of 'em.

Yeah, it's gonna be the same.

Are you gonna pay or what?

Do you need me to spot you? - No, Stan.

I'll just put it all back. It's fine.

♪ I will never, ever leave your side ♪

♪ And that, my love... ♪ Stanley Barber. Nice to meet you.

♪ I will always wait for you ♪ Calm down, Syd. Calm down.

♪ That's what I do ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪ Just calm down.

Pull it together.

♪ Come on, baby ♪ Breathe.


Breathe, Syd.

Just... breathe.


♪ You know that you are mine ♪

♪ I'm crazy about you, hey, yeah, yeah ♪ Whoa.

Syd? - ♪ I give you my love ♪

♪ And it won't go bad ♪

♪ Make me happy for eternity ♪

♪ Spend the rest of your life with... ♪


Panic attacks, huh?

My, uh...

My mom used to get those.

I mean, maybe she still does, I don't know, but...

I... I mean, it... it sucks that you get them too.

I'm sorry about that.

Why are you still talking to me?

Because everyone else in this town's boring.

I've never smoked before.

Do you wanna try?

Do you... do you want me to go first?

I just had to try it.

Try to numb whatever the hell's going on inside me.

I just copied what he did.

I didn't even cough.

♪ Yesterday ♪

♪ Any way you made it was just fine ♪

♪ So you turn your days Into night time... ♪ My eyes felt heavy.

My mind felt... empty.

I wasn't worried about groceries or Mom or Dina or even maybe losing my mind.


Do you wanna go to the football game?

Absolutely not.

We, we want a touchdown!

We, we, we want a touchdown!

Surprised you even come to this stuff. We, we We want a touchdown! It's so lame.

It's the opposite of lame, Syd.

It's theater. It's live theater.

Westinghouse Memorial High School on a Friday night.

Bring it in! What could be more tragic?

More Shakespearean?

Think about it.

The moment the lights come up on Hamlet, you know it's not gonna end well.

Take, uh... Mr. Bradley Lewis.

His best case scenario is, what, managing some regional insurance sales company?

Where he gets to, I don't know, call the shots on Employee of the Month?

I mean, these are the people that will actually attend the five, ten, 20-year reunion, because, aside from this, nothing else all that noteworthy is gonna happen.

This is as good as it gets for them.

And I like watching 'em, like Hamlet, when everything goes to shit in the end... and everyone dies.

I only wanted a boy so I could keep up with Dina, but maybe I don't have to pretend.

It's the best theater in town.

- ♪ Little girl, little girl ♪ What if I actually like Stan?

♪ What a cute little honey ♪ Ooh.

Number seven, you guys. Whoa!

Whoo! Go, Brad!

Come on, Brad!

Ah! Fuck!

Yeah, Bradley! Go, Bradley! Whoo!

♪ I never saw a gal so small ♪

♪ Givin' out orders to a guy so tall ♪

♪ The navy chief would answer "Yes, yes, yes" ♪ Whoa, this is your room?


Oh, my God! VHS?


It's the best platform there is.

That is so not true.

Okay, uh, I... I'm not talkin' about quality here.

I'm just saying the shitty texture is key to the experience.

And I... I can't with LaserDisc.

I... Oh, God.

Don't get me started.

So, wanna smoke again?


Would you... would you rather be... - ♪ So ♪

- ♪ Sad, baby ♪ ...an eagle or a jellyfish?

That is such a non-question. - ♪ So ♪ What do you mean? Dude!

♪ Glad, girl ♪ Eagle, hands down! - ♪ When you ♪ Okay. All right. - ♪ First ♪ It's you next. - ♪ Came around ♪ All right. - ♪ I was sad ♪ So would you rather have... superpowers... or would you rather... Okay, I'm pretty sure every person on the planet would pick superpowers.

So what would they be if you had 'em?

I... I would most definitely be... a shapeshifter.

But not to, like, go inside the girls' locker room or anything creepy.

I just wanna turn into, like, a giant-ass jellyfish.

♪ Walked in the park ♪ What is with you and jellyfish?

I... I... Okay.

I read somewhere that once... once humans destroy themselves, this planet isn't gonna belong to the roaches.

How could it? I mean, we're like 70 percent water.

I mean, roaches aren't shit.

So what, we're gonna become, like... the planet of the jelly?

Yup! And I will be their leader, and we'll be battling the roaches, and we'll swim the deep blue sea.

♪ You went away ♪ Sounds nice.

- ♪ Oh, I cried night and the day ♪ Yeah.

Okay. Um... Well, what about you? - ♪ For what you done ♪ Pass.

What? Wa... Uh, wait. Okay. Lame.

Pass. You go. You're next. Wait... Ugh. All right.

♪ You left me so blue ♪ Would you rather... tell me your deepest darkest secret... - ♪ I don't know anywhere to go or ♪


♪ What to do ♪

♪ Please come back and let the ♪ I'll tell you my secret, Stan. - ♪ Sun ♪

♪ Shine through ♪ But, when I tell you, you cannot tell anyone.

No one! Understand? - ♪ Sun passed behind a cloud ♪

♪ So sad, baby ♪ Yeah, I... I promise.

♪ I felt so proud ♪ Just tell him, Syd.

I got pimples on my thighs.

Ah! Wait, se... seriously? Why?

I don't know why! I just do, okay?

Well, let me see 'em.


They're so gross.

Oh, I bet I got you beat.

No way.


Watch this.

It's backne supreme.

Holy shit!

Disgusting! Uh-huh. And... and it goes all the way down to my ass.

All the way inside my cheeks.

Oh, my God!

That is so gross. Uh-huh.

I win.

Oh, hold on there, Stanley Barber.


this out.

Bam! I mean, you cannot compete, and you cannot compare.


That... Yeah, that is brutal.

I mean, I have never seen something so disgusting.

I know, right?

I don't know exactly how to describe the way I feel when I'm around Stan.

♪ Yeah, I'm so, so glad ♪

♪ Oh, so glad ♪ I'm... I'm so sorry. Was that... was that bad?

I only know I feel a little less weird.

♪ So ♪

♪ Sad, baby ♪

- ♪ So ♪ Walked in the park ♪

♪ Sad, baby ♪

♪ Kissed in the dark ♪

- ♪ So ♪ Leaves burned just like ♪

♪ Glad, girl ♪

♪ Just like a spark ♪

- ♪ I'm glad ♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Glad about the good times ♪

- ♪ Ooh ♪ Ooh ♪

- ♪ That we've had ♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Sad, baby ♪

♪ You went away ♪

♪ Oh, I cried night and the day ♪

♪ For what you done ♪

♪ I had to pay ♪

♪ You left me so blue ♪

♪ Please come back and let the ♪

♪ Sun ♪

♪ Shine through ♪