I Am Not Okay with This S1E5 Script

Another Day in Paradise (2020)

Dear Diary, I'm just gonna put my head down.

Do nothing. Say nothing.

It's the only way to make sure I don't hurt anyone.

Just blend into the fucking background.

Hey! Hey!

I need to talk to you.

Eyes on your tests.

No talking.

Dina.

Come on.

Hey.

How's it hangin'?

It's hangin'. Mm.

And, uh, how are you today, sir?

Mm-hm.

I didn't do anything wrong. You wanna try that again?

Well, you... you see, my... my ankle's been swollen.

Oh. And these pain meds I'm on make it hard for me to focus, and I was...

Detention, after school, both of you.

And you'll receive failing grades on this test.

Seriously?

Uh-oh. Excuse me?

Oh, fuck. Dina's been studying this for weeks.

Now Brad cheats off her, and she has to fail the test?

I mean, that is such bullshit!

You can take that language straight to detention.

Anyone else?

Uh... m-motherfucker.

Okay, fine. Detention for you, too, Mr. Barber.

Just perfect.

So, I'm off to detention for something completely fucking stupid.

♪ Well, it's Friday night And the weekend's here

♪ So let's start right With lots of beer ♪

♪ I said "Hey, gang, let's hit the booze Hey, gang, give me some blues" ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm gonna stay awake all night ♪ Look, uh... I don't really know what I ever did to you, but I can tell that you're not crazy about me.

Enough people in this school already worship you.

You don't need my allegiance.

You know, Dina always says you're funny.

Guess I've just never really seen it before.

What do you want?

I just think that it would be better if you and I got along.

If we what?

For Dina.

If you can just cut me a little slack here, I promise you, I'm not a total monster.

Truce?

Fine, I guess.

For Dina.

Yeah.

Jenny.

Got detention too?

Got caught vaping in the teachers' lounge.

This place is like a goddamn monastery.

All right. Everyone take a seat.

Now.

Hurry.

Now, you five students are here for one reason.

Disrespect.

You have disrespected this fine institution, and in doing so, you have disrespected yourselves.

Four of you I've never even seen in detention before.

I want you to take the next few hours and think about your mistakes.

- Like almost busting Stan's skull open? And carve out in your mind a plan for change. - Or kissing Dina?

Determine how to improve yourselves.

Define what the word "respect" means to you.

Now, you can start by respecting this beautiful gymnasium.

Between now and seven p.m., you're gonna scrape up every goddamn piece of gum from the bleachers.

Get started.

Uh, Mr. Whitaker, sir?

Um... Will there be a break for snacks or dinner?

Okay.

Hey, I'm really sorry... No. I'm not talking to you, okay?

Okay. I know none of us wanna be here right now, but I was thinking, if we divide and conquer the bleachers, maybe we could be done before seven and Whitaker will let us out early, so...

Go, team!

I'm not a cheerleader.

Maybe you should be.

Maybe you should be in prison.

Ooh. That's my wet dream.

I don't know, guys. This gum has been here for decades.

I don't think Whitaker actually checks.

It's just a social experiment, like a simulation.

Oh. Well, somebody's been smoking their supply.

You know what?

I have an idea.

Why don't we play Fuck, Marry, Kill?

How on-brand.

So, who goes first?

Eenie, meenie, miney, Brad.

Guess if I had to... No. Not another word.

Okay. Oh, what about you, Miss Goody-Goody?

Or are you too afraid to play?

Why would I be afraid?

Cool, then. Fuck, Marry, Kill.

Stanley Barber...

Mr. Whitaker... and...

Syd.

Well, clearly, I'm killing Whitaker.

So are you going to fuck Syd or marry her?

Total life goal to marry your best friend, if Syd'll have me.

Oh, so then it's you and Stan in an all-day bone sesh.

Ugh. You little slut.

How does that make you feel, Bradley?

Whatever, Jenny.

Why don't you go, Jenny?

Well, actually, I thought you should go next, Syd.

Then I remembered that no one in their right mind would realistically have sex with you, so...

Hey! What? Is it not true?

Does Syd Novak have some high fuckability score, and I just don't see it?

Just don't listen to her.

I just wanted to rage on Jenny.

I wanted to rage on Brad. I mean, who is he kidding with that truce?

But I know if I rage, then bad things happen.

I don't even know what I'm capable of, which is just awesome because that means I don't...

Hello?

Whoever's doing this, it's not funny.

Stan!

Stan!

Stan, I need your help. - Oh.Okay.

So you're talking to me now. Listen.

Oh, wow. Interesting. Stan, seriously!

Shut up and follow me right now!

Holy shit.

What the hell happened?

I don't wanna talk about it. Why not?

Because I don't!

Okay?

Holy shit.

So are you gonna help me or not?

Well, we'd need a carpenter or a miracle.

I don't care about fixing it. I care about that.

You're telling me...

Yeah.

We need that footage? Yeah.

That's in Dawson's office? Yeah.

How much detention you think they'd give for breaking into the principal's office?

Doesn't matter, 'cause we're not gonna get caught.

Okay, so the security recordings are in the principal's office here.

Ugh, but it's gotta be locked.

Whitaker's probably the only one with a key, so that's...

No, the janitor's gotta have one.

Okay. Okay, uh...

Just spitballing ideas here, but m-maybe you can distract the janitor and steal his keys?

We need someone who has...

boobs.

Psst.

Hey, Dina.

Hey! Hey, Dina!

Look, Dina, I need a tampon right now.

Just dig in my bag.

I... I do need you, but for... but for something else.

What?

Somebody gonna say something, or...

We... We need your help getting the keys to the principal's office.

So we can steal some security camera footage.

What?

You're serious?

Um... why?

What's on the tape?

What'd you guys do?

Well, the truth is...

Stan and I had sex in the library, and it's... it's all on tape.

What?

No way. Dead serious.

It was right there in the library. We sixty-nined and everything.

Excuse me. Carl, is it?

I was wondering if you could help me with, like, a little problem I have.

Guess that depends on the problem.

Um, you see, I'm such a ditz.

I think I locked my backpack in sixth period by mistake

'cause I'm such a ditz.

Sorry, I already said that. I...

And you want the key to that room?

I'm not supposed to do that.

Um...

Do you think we could make an exception?

Sorry, I'll just...

All right, stop.

Please, just... stop.

Now, first off, I'm married.

Secondly, I'm gay.

I find your behavior to be a little bit offensive, and not just to me.

To you.

Yeah, ri... You're right.

Just try asking politely next time.

I'm gonna need 'em back in 20. Yes, Carl... sir.

Mr. Carl.

Okay.

Holy shit, you got 'em.

Pretty sure I set the women's lib movement back a couple decades, but other than that, it went great.

So what's the plan?

We got less than 20 minutes.

The plan... is quite simple.

First, we distract Whitaker with burritos.

I'm gonna put these in the microwave and blast these bad boys up on high, and then...

...Whitaker will hear it and come runnin'.

What the hell... What the hell's goin' on down there?

Jesus.

When he takes off from the teachers' lounge, the coast'll be clear straight through to the principal's office, and then we make our move.

Syd, you're the key man...

Key lady.

Wait, why am I the key lady?

Because you're good with your hands.

Eww.

- Dina, you're lookout. Okay.

You keep eyes on Whitaker.

Oh, my... Shit.

The burrito bomb should keep him busy for a while.

That man cannot resist a fire extinguisher, which will give us the time we need to get in.

Burrito bombs are disgusting.

Last time I set one off, my whole house smelled like bean farts.

Gross.

Anything goes wrong, Dina, you signal us...

and everyone take cover.

That is literally the worst idea I've ever heard.

It's fair. It's totally fair.

Can you think of a better one?

Our best hiding spot's probably gonna be behind the old trophy case.

Okay, he's right there.

And we wait...

...for the smoke alarm.

What?

Jesus. What the hell's this for? That should buy us more time.

Which we will need, because there are a shit ton of keys.

Like, a metric shit ton, it's ridiculous.

Once we're in, we head straight for the security system in the closet.

And that's it.

Whatever you do, do not panic.

Do not bail... or we are screwed.

Okay, but what happens if your plan goes to shit?

- It won't. But what if it does?

Improvise. Oh, I'm too goddamn old for this shit.

Oh, my God. Thank you, Dina.

And if all goes well, as it should, we grab the footage, our sexcapade remains private, and nobody gets expelled.

Oh, sweet Jesus.

Oh, I thought we were screwed.

We were screwed, but holy shit, we did it.

Thank you, guys.

Seriously.

Oh...

Any takers?

You're not serious.

Oh, yeah.

Since when do you smoke weed?

Oh, come on, Dina.

Everyone's doing it.

Don't you wanna be cool like me and Stan?

I'm not supposed to be in here. Can we just talk in the gym?

Oh, that's right. That's right. It's against the rules.

You know a lot about rules, don't you, Bradley?

Tell me, is it, um...

Is it against the rules that you cheated on your girlfriend at Ricky Berry's party?

Shut up.

Listen.

The other night, it was a mistake.

Dude, you came twice.

How is twice a mistake?

I had to troll through Instagram waiting for you to get hard again.

Don't say another word to anybody, you understand me?

Too late.

Hey, Syd. I heard everything.

Uh-oh...

We... we made a truce.

Remember? We... we both agreed that Dina's happiness comes first.

Well, technically, Brad comes first.

Just promise me, Syd, please, you won't say anything to Dina.

Please?

Hey, babe.

There you are.

So, uh... yeah, I... I just came in here to pee, and... and now we're all just... we're chillin'.

With Jenny?

Oh, we were... we were just... we were just talking... about... about nothin'.

Right, Syd?

Babe, wait, please. Syd's lying. I swear to God.

Please! She's lying!

You're not seriously breaking up with me!

Hey! Which one of you punks eats burritos?

All right, I don't know what the hell went on tonight, but I wanna see everyone in my office first thing in the morning!

I offered you a truce, and you fucked it up.

This is on you.

You remember that.

Ah, another day in paradise.

So, you guys wanna get wasted?

Okay, so now that I've helped you steal the evidence that would put you in detention for a thousand years, can you tell me what happened in the library?

No, you'll think I'm crazy.

I mean, to be fair, I've seen you move shit with your mind, so crazy feels like a few notches down.

You can tell me anything. You know that, right?

Stan, the lights were flickering, but it wasn't me.

Hello?

Whoever's doing this, it's not funny.

I don't know, I... It just felt like someone else was in there with me.

Well, what do you mean?

I mean, it felt like I was supposed to follow it, or maybe it was following me.

I don't know. I just couldn't make it out.

I turned a corner, and it was gone,

but there was this feeling, Stan.

I swear I wasn't alone.

So... who the hell was it?

I wish I fucking knew.

♪ Don't tell him ♪

♪ I wanna know ♪

♪ Don't tell him I wanna know ♪

♪ Just ask if he's gonna go ♪

♪ To the dance on Saturday night ♪

♪ Please ask him casual-like ♪

♪ Don't tell him I wanna know ♪

♪ But if he's gonna go ♪

♪ See if he's got a date ♪

♪ I'll just sit here and wait ♪

♪ I'd just die, die of shame ♪

♪ If you so much as mention my name ♪

♪ Just ask if he's gonna go ♪

♪ But don't tell him I wanna know ♪

♪ Don't tell him I wanna know ♪