I Declare War (2012) Script

Stay down.

Did you see anyone?

Go.

Down, down! I need a grenade!

One steamboat, two steamboats... three steamboats... Where are you guys? Come on!

Four steamboats... five steamboats, six steamboats, seven steamboats...

I need a fuckin' grenade!

Nine steamboats...

Ten steamboats!

No, it's yours.

You're dead.

Kenney, have you killed anyone else?

No. Any of ours been killed?

No. I just saw Joker. He's still alive.

What about them? We know Scott's dead.

Yeah, who else?

Then we'll assume they're all alive.

I need to know where Quinn's base is.

You two, go on recon.

Check everywhere we've used before.

Fuck that. We can find out right now.

Ow! Hey!

Where's your base? Screw off!

You can't interrogate the dead!

Leave him alone.

What?

He's right. Once you're dead, you go home.

You can't be interrogated. It's a rule.

Fuck the rules. It's too hot for rules.

I'm not a cheater. Go home, Scott.

I'm going to win fair and square.

You're going to lose, fair and square.

Dude, this is P.K. He doesn't lose.

Lose what? His virginity?

Huh. I heard he lost it to your mom.

What did you say, ass-face?

Stop it, now!

I want a tactical strategy assimilation in thirty minutes.

Now, go!

So, where the hell were you when I was calling for help?

Kenney was there.

You didn't know he was there.

Sure I did. Okay, yeah, well...

...you still sent me out there to get shot, right?

To get Scott to come out?

Only because I knew Kenney was there and Scott would be killed.

Don't worry, Paul. We're a team.

What are you doing after the war?

You're coming over, and we're eating pizza and watching a movie.

What movie?

Patton?

Again? Yes.

Now get out there so that I can win this war.


P.K.'s your best friend, right? Yeah.

He's kind of an asshole.

No, he's not. With all his stupid rules.

Oh, you think it's a coincidence that he's won every single game of war he's ever played?

C'mon, just follow your orders.

Find the base, then go back to P.K.?

That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard.

If we find the base, let's just kill everyone and take the flag!

Shut up! You think Quinn doesn't have a plan?

He's been planning this war against P.K. for months now.

You're gonna screw it all up.

You're such a bitch right now. No, I'm not!

You're P.K.'s bitch. I'm nobody's bitch.

I'm gonna march right into their base, stick my gun right in Quinn's stupid face, blow his head off, shoot everyone else, grab the flag... aah!

Skinner.

Well, if it isn't some of P.K.'s little soldiers... and the general's best friend.

We rule.

Ow!

Hey!

Grab his gun. What?

You can't do that.

Why? You gonna tell P.K. on us?

Kick him again, Sikorski.

Aagh!

Grab him.

A girl.

You're a girl. Sorry.

I can help, though.

Sure.

You can be the arts and crafts squadron.

Since when do girls even like war?

Actually, this is my first war.

God!

I dunno. I can appreciate war.

Strategy, tactics, stuff like that.

Like chess.

You play chess?

Yeah, I play a lot of chess.

Huh. Yeah, me too.

Hm. That's funny.

But don't get me wrong. I'm serious.

I'll kill people. I have killing techniques.

Like what?

Just, you know... techniques.

Okay.

Let me show you something.

Cool.

Look at this.

Oh, you're kidding.

Nope.

Did you build that? Yeah.

I mean, I got the idea off the Internet, but I built it.

You get it, right? What it's for?

A bomb.

That's the bomb.

Yeah.

Unfortunately, it can only carry the weight of one grenade.

What if you broke the amount of paint up into two balloons?

Or five? Thought of that.

But then the balloons aren't heavy enough to break open when they land on someone.

What if you didn't tie them closed?

Yeah.

Just push the hook through the rubber, and then when it retracts, they get pushed off the hook and fall.

That's awesome.

That's really great.

Sorry about the arts and crafts thing before.

It's okay. Sorry about the asshole thing.

When did you call me an asshole?

I didn't. But I was thinking it.


We have to be ready for anything.

He could sap us.

What does that mean?

Dig a tunnel right under our position, and then wham!

A hand sticks out of the ground and smashes a blood grenade into you.

You're dead.

This is the first guy I've fought who... who actually knows this stuff.

He's using tactics, he's using strategy.

In a way, this is the first real war I've ever fought.

Which is why I have to win it.

But you always win.

This is different.

This is the moment of truth, a real test of what I'm good at.

You mean, being a know-it-all dick?

No, he means war.

Hey! You get picked last, you don't talk back to superior officers.

What the fuck are you wearing?

It's a bandolier. For shotgun shells.

For your toy air rifle?

Back off, Joker.

He's our priest.

Our priest? That's right.

Every unit needs a priest.

To write letters home for the men who have both arms broken.

Does he jerk them off, too?

Hey! We need to be focused.

Besides, these are against the rules, anyway.

I wasn't using it to call anybody.

You can have it back after the war.

What are you doing?

Sullivan!

Whoa.

You can't be here.

Ah, fuck your rules, P.K.

Look what they did to me.

You think they give a shit about the rules?

I'm here to talk to Joker.

Fine. But only about the rule violation.

What happened? Skinner.

He took Kwon prisoner, and then that bitch Sikorski kicked the crap out of me.

He took Kwon prisoner? Yeah.

I want you to find them and I want you to stomp on them.

Yeah. Definitely.

Skinner? Yes.

Didn't know he had it in him.

You don't know a lot of things.

Uh... Kenney.

Thanks.

You'll get a special citation for this.

Screw off.

We have to move fast.

Quinn's not going to go for a prisoner.

He'll kill Kwon as soon as Skinner brings him in.

Which is why we have to get to him before Quinn does.

Joker, get me Caleb. Caleb?

He doesn't even carry a weapon.

Caleb is a weapon.

Take Wesley.

I'll stay here and guard the flag.

Okay?

Okay.

Nobody takes my best friend prisoner.

He knows you're smart. He's gonna be expecting something big.

Maybe you should just rush him.

Can't just rush him. He's way too smart for that.

But... I know what you're saying.

Maybe I'm overthinking it.

This isn't the Hundred Years' War.

He's only got five guys. He's not France.

France.

What about France?

Sorry. I love France.

Me and my two best friends have a pact to go together for a year after high school.

Oh.

They just have the most delicious food, and great architecture, and Paris.

It's all just very...

Quinn, can I talk to you?

We are talking.

I know.

Can I tell you something?

Sure.

I'm glad you picked me for your team.

Sure. No problem.

It's, uh, working out better than I thought.

I mean, I was kind of hoping you'd pick me.

You were?

Yeah.

Oh.

Okay, well, I'm glad we could...

We're back!

Where's Scott?

We... got separated.

But we got a prisoner. I don't take prisoners.

Look, let me explain my plan. Your plan?

When and where did you get separated?

Listen to me, okay?

Look, this is P.K.'s best friend.

We hold him prisoner. When P.K. tries to come rescue him, we ambush him and we take him out.

Without P.K., their team falls apart, and we win.

I don't like it.

You didn't even think about it! Yes, I did!

P.K.'s too smart to fall for this.

And I don't like this idea about prisoners.

There's no rule about prisoners.

There's no rule against prisoners. And he will fall for it.

It's Paul, his best friend.

He'll do anything to save... You don't get it!

He'd sacrifice his mother to win.

His best friend means nothing. He dies now.

Sorry, kid... Wait!

Let's just see what everyone else thinks.

Are you stupid, man? You don't get to vote in the army.

I'm not stupid!

Did you even hear me?

Quinn's the leader. Let him lead.

Look, when Scott gets back, I'm sure he'll want to do it.

Scott's dead. What?

You're lying. Shut up!

Kenney killed him about half an hour ago in the field near the hydro tower.

P.K. and I were there.

Scott kept calling for backup. Nobody came.

First, I'm gonna kill him.

Then I wanna hear how you got separated from Scott.

Now, give me a grenade.

No.

You're not in charge here, okay?

You're a grenade carrier! Now, give me a grenade.

You can't kill him! Skinner...

...you don't have what it takes to lead, and you don't have what it takes to beat a general like P.K. Sullivan.

Now, see her? She's smart.

She could do it. But not you.

You're just stupid.

So either sit down and shut up and let me run this army, or get off my team!

So, which is it?

Okay. Okay, what?

Okay. I'm in charge.

You can't! It's not fair!

Go home. You're dead.

Then fuck you. And fuck all you assholes!

Who's with me?

Sikorski? Frost?

Yeah. That was cool.

Okay. Yeah.

You?

You have any contribution to make to this team?

I have techniques.

Great. Whatever.

Sikorski, tie the chink to a tree.

What's your name again? Wesley.

This your first war?

Yeah.

Why'd you come out?

Um... for fun, I guess.

I don't really have a lot of friends.

And you're a priest?

That why you don't have many friends?

Actually, I'm an altar boy. At St. Andrew's.

Oh.

Ever been buggered?

No, it's an Anglican church.

So... what's the deal with God, altar boy?

What do you mean?

What's so great about God?

God is love.

What the hell does that mean?

God loves you all the time, no matter what.

So?

So, no matter what you do wrong, all you have to do is ask Him to forgive you, and He will. Every time.

God is so gay.

If God told you to engage in coprophagia, would you do it?

What's copropha... Coprophagia.

It means eating shit. Insane people do it, and I guess dogs sometimes.

Do you even have the Internet?

Yeah, but I don't... there's some dog shit right there.

Now, what if God said that you had to engage in coprophagia, or get kicked out of the church forever?

No, He would never do that.

Okay, what if He punished you?

You made a mistake, and God says, "Okay, Wesley, you messed up.

But it's all good if you just engage in some coprophagia...

...right now."

No, he would never. He would just forgive me.

Okay.

Would you do it if I said I'd be your friend?

Yeah. That's right.

You could come over, play video games, have a sleep over.

Best friends.

You're lying. I'm dead serious.

If you engage in coprophagia, I will be your best friend.

No way.

And I'll give you 50 bucks. Yeah, right.

You don't even have 50 bucks.

Fifty bucks... and my friendship.

It's your choice. Friendship... or fresh breath.

You came here to make friends, right?

P.K. wants to see you.

That's a standing offer, altar boy.

Think it over.


You're gonna be so sorry you ever met P.K.

You're gonna be screaming, begging me to stop.

It's gonna be the most pain you've ever felt.

You won't even be able to breathe. I'm gonna break...

Skinner! What?

You wanna be leader, get over here and lead.

Okay, uh...

Do you even have a strategy?

Quinn... Screw Quinn!

P.K.'s gonna try and save his best friend over there.

And when he does, shoot him.

But do not kill him.

Capture him and bring him to me.

And then what?

That's all you need to know for now.

That's not a strategy. What if P.K. doesn't come?

What if he does something that we don't expect?

He won't.

Okay, fine.

Then where are we going to position ourselves?

In a perimeter? Where is he going to attack from?

There's only three of us. We can't defend all sides.

What about capturing his flag?

We can't be on defense...

If you don't like it, then fuck off! Go fight your own war!

Okay. Sikorski... you and Jess secure the perimeter and wait for them to show up.

And when you see them, you know, shoot 'em.

Can't I go with Frost?

Okay, fine, go with Frost.

No, no wait. I need Frost to go scouting.

Aw, man! And Jess...

...you walk around the base and watch for the attack.

No. What?

I can't do that. You already told me to secure the perimeter with Sikorski.

Why can't me and Sikorski walk around the base and then she can go scouting?

But then there's nobody securing the perimeter.

Can I be a grenade carrier?

Why don't I walk around the base, Sikorski scouts, and Frost secures the perimeter by himself?

I'm not sure I can secure the perimeter by myself.

Listen! Sikorski and Frost, secure the perimeter. Jess, take the grenades and go scouting.

Fuck!

Now go! If you don't see anything after half an hour, come back.

Wait! Don't go!

He's gonna hurt me!

Are you?

No, he's just trying to mess up our team.

Well, you certainly don't need any help with that.

Exactly.

Please, don't leave me alone with him!

Look, I was just trying to scare him.

Listen, Jess, you know Frost on our team?

He's totally in love with you.

So? So stay away from him.

He's an idiot, and I need everyone focused.

You can seduce enemy soldiers, though.

Excuse me? You're a girl.

You have secret powers over them.

Just blow them a kiss.

And then blow them away.

What are you doing?


Imagine a guy... Quiet!

Imagine a guy comes to your house.

He works for every video game company in the world.

He says you can have every console for the rest of your life, free.

And you'd get it six months before everyone else.

So basically, you'd be the most popular person in the world for those six months.

Plus... unlimited new games.

But he gets to cut off your dick.

Or you can keep your dick, but you're not allowed to use any computer for the rest of your life.

What would you do?

Why is this game consortium so interested in my dick?

Just answer the question.

Okay.

First, I'd find out who's next on the list if I say no.

Then I'd contact that person and tell them I'll say no if they agree to share the console with me exclusively for the six months.

They'll agree, because if I say yes, they get nothing.

No, you just have to pick one.

Why should I if I can figure out a way to do both?

Forget it. Altar boy, what would you...

No computers.

Yeah, me too.


Look!

Come on.

What are you doing?

If I shave this down, I could turn it into like a sniper rifle.

Oh! A bazooka!

It'd be like...

Be quiet!

Follow me. The general gave us orders.

Artillery! Oh, shock.

Or like a staff, if I shaved it down far enough.

You're being too loud!

I've got big plans for this stick.

Keep the stick. I don't care. Just follow me.

Could turn it into a trigger for a bomb or something, I dunno.

Maybe a booby trap.

I'm in love with this stick. Do you like it?

Shh!

I'm glad you picked me for your team.

I'm glad you picked me for your team...

I'm glad you picked me for your team.

Sure. No problem.

It's working out better than I thought.

I mean, I was kind of hoping you'd pick me.

You were?

Yeah.

Well, I'm glad I did.

Like I said, you're really smart.

And cute, too. Thanks.

Maybe I could even come with you guys to France.

That'd be awesome. You should.

But there's still one thing I don't understand.

What's that?

Why did you stay after Skinner killed me?

Why don't you go home?

You don't know? No.

You can't guess?

I think you're a little too smart for me.

Well, you'll find out. It'll be a surprise.

But what if something happens to you? I'd be devastated.

Oh, that's so sweet...

Hey. Don't move!

Who are you? Put that down!

I'm looking for Paul Kwon.

Why? He's my brother.

Our mom got hurt, and she's in the hospital, and we need to go see her.

Do you know where he is? Depends.

Do you know a guy named P.K. Sullivan?

Who? Look, this is a medical emergency.

Do you know where he is or not?

I know how much you and P.K. hate me.

I don't even know you.

P. K. knows me.

Oh! Ow...!

I read books, Kwon. I'm not stupid.

I ne... never... s-said...

Oof!

This is called "pressing."

It's how they used to kill people before hanging was invented.

I read it in a book.

You know that girl Jess? Don't you think she's cool?

I don't know why, I just...

Just the way she looks at you.

I know that sounds dumb. This one time, I was walking down the hall and she was with her friends.

I said hi to her, and she threw these dry Chinese noodles at me, and her friends laughed.

But I kept the little noodle that hit me.

I got it in my shoebox back home... you know, the one I keep my hockey cards in?

Jeez, she's so pretty.

It's hard not to think about her sometimes.

You ever feel like that?

Like you try to think about something else, Like a TV show, or a video game, or...

Hey. Yeah?

Shut up.

Oh. Heh.

Sure, Sikorski.

I'll shut up... I know. I've got a big mouth.

And I'm just so excited!

Everything that's going on.

We probably should be quiet, though.

You know, in case P.K.'s trying to sneak up on us or something.

My ma always says the same thing.

"Be quiet, Roy!" She always says there are leaders and there are followers, and the followers should shut up and let the leaders do all of the talking, which I think is totally true.

You're a leader and I'm a follower.

That's why we're such good friends.

Yup, we're a team, all right.

Like the alligator and the bird that brushes his teeth.

You're the alligator, right?

What is it? It's a kid.

A... big Asian kid.

What does he want?

He's Kwon's brother.

There's been an accident.

Skinner!

I said half an hour!

What the hell is going on here?

Untie him!

What kind of a game is this?

Get rocks. Go.

Get rocks. Go.

Paul...

It's Mom.

She broke her arm.

Dad's got her down at St. John's Hospital and he wants us there now.

He gave me money for a cab.

You okay?

Let's go. Wait!

I didn't know Kwon had a brother.

Well, he does, okay? Let's just go.

Show me the money, then.

What? For the cab.

You think I'm making this up, dickface?

Just show me the money, and you can go.

Screw you!

What's Kwon's birthday?

Jesus Christ! You're paranoid, Skinner!

Not everything has to do with P.K.!

Hey!

You're not leaving.

Right.

Ow! Ow!

You're fucking dead!

Ah!

Is that the best you can do, P.K.?

Follow him. Follow him!

He'll lead you right to P.K.

Go! Go!

Is that the best you can do?


Frost, smokes.

Shit! I thought I had them.

He's gonna see you.

He's gonna see you, too.

No, he's not. I'm going home.

What? You're going home?

Yeah. Why?

I want some juice.

Plus, I need a break from Skinner.

So you're quitting, just like that?

No, I'm not quitting. I'll be back later.

Just right now, I want some juice.

Oh.

Okay. Do you guys wanna come?

No! You can't stop a war for juice!

Watch me.

Sorry about that, Sikorski.

What was I thinking? She almost seduced me there.

She must have been wearing some sort of special perfume or something, 'cause we're best friends, and that's number one for me.

I'd never... Shut up.


Hey!

Where's Paul?

Oh, I'm fine, thanks.

Next time, don't call me for any favors, okay?

Where's Paul?

Your little psycho friend has him tied up to a tree back in those woods.

He's still alive? Of course he's alive.

They're not gonna kill him.

No, but did he have red paint all over him?

No. What's up with your face?

That spaz started throwing rocks at me.

Wait, were you followed?

No. I don't know.

Can you put the guns down? Jesus!

So what was Skinner doing?

Who? The spaz.

He was asking me questions about Paul.

What kind of questions?

Like, was I his real brother. Like that.

I went in there, the spaz lost his mind and started throwing rocks at me.

Almost broke my nose.

Okay. Anything else?

When I left, the loser yelled, "Is that the best you can do, P.K.?"

Skinner yelled that? Yep.

And there wasn't a taller kid with blonde hair giving orders?

Nope.

I knew it.

What? What is it, P.K.?

It's hot out here. I gotta go.

Okay. Thanks.

"Thanks"? I don't think so.

Where's my three bucks?

Well, at least it wasn't a total loss.

Now we know where their base is.

Yeah.

So, where is it?

What? Their base.

Where's their base?

How the hell should I know?

In the woods. Over there somewhere.

You're joking with me.

Come on! We need this!

Hey, see this?

I don't care what you need! Okay.

Calm down.

Thanks for your work. I'll remember this.

Now what?

We got nothing out of that.

Does Egypt, 1952, mean anything to you?

No.

China, 1911? Oh...

Greece, 1967, is actually the best comparison.

Wesley?

The Olympics?

It's a coup.

Skinner killed Quinn.

That's a total guess.

If Quinn was still in charge, Paul would be dead.

It's that simple.

Quinn would never take a prisoner.

He knows it makes no sense.

And he'd never let Skinner run around screaming his head off.


Please...

Please, let me go.

No.

You fucked up my life, so you're going to pay for it.

L... I've... never even... talked...

Then you and P.K. did.

What did we do?

Before, I was normal.

I... I wasn't cool, but I wasn't a loser.

Now, I am a loser.

I'm a joke, and my life is basically over.

I'm gonna be a loser in high school, a loser in university, and a loser for the rest of my life.

Even the retards are more popular than me.

I might as well be a retard.

Or have a big scar on my face.

Can you imagine how terrible it would be to have a big scar right in the middle of your face?

Or blind.

Or your tongue cut out?

That would suck, eh?

Please let me go.

I'm... I'm sorry for... for whatever we did.

Not yet.

Not until you feel the same way I do.

Then you'll be sorry.


Gotcha! Did not!

Did too!


Hey, Sikorski! You hear me?

How about your girlfriend, Frost?

You tell Quinn I'm comin' for him!

You take my best friend prisoner, and you're asking for trouble.

That's not how you win a war!

Yeah? Well, there's no rule against it.

Tell him that's not his style!

He's better than that!

Well, maybe Quinn's not our general anymore!

Yeah? So, who is?

You, Frost? No, it's Quinn. It's Quinn.

Really? Cause it sounds like someone over there is a big, fat liar!

Time out, P.K.! Quinn had to go home.

We'll tell you what happened, but you have to give us two minutes.

Okay! Two minutes. That's it!

Okay, come on out!

Okay. I'm coming out now...

Ha!

Oh, man, that was sweet! Did you see?

Nice one, Frost!

No!

P.K.! give me cover!

Aah!

Out! Get out, get out! One...

Come on! Move, now!

Nine steamboats... Get up!

Four...

Frost!

Let him go, or you'll regret it.

Bullshit. Take him, Frost.

Ten.

Last chance.

Let him go, or he's gonna get it.

He's bluffing. He's got nothing.

Do so. Do not.

Do so. Do not!

Do... so.

Run!


He loves me.

He loves me not.

He loves me.

Oof!

Aah!

So, I heard you and your bum-buddy kicked Kenney's face in.

Is that true? No, I swear.

Skinner told us to.

Kenney told me you stomped on him, and he asked me to stomp back, so we're gonna.

Ready to get your nose broken, bitch?

Then you go cry to Sikorski and tell him he's next.

" No!

Altar boy, get in here and help me hold him.

Altar boy, ge...

Aah! Oh!

" Ha! " Aah!

Barn! Barn!

One... Sikorski!

I need a grenade!

Are you there? Sikorski!

Five... Sikorski!

I need grenades!

Seven... Ugh!

Eight... nine...

Bitch.

And you! What the fuck was that?

I'm sorry. I was scared.

You were scared? It was two against one.

You were scared he'd beat us both up?

God, you little chicken-shit geek.

I'm sorry.

Joker?

Ow!

You still here?

Good.


H... hey.

You say something?

Is that story about you and Jenny...

...and Karen true?

No.

What story?

The one where they invited you over to go swimming.

Who told you that?

Three different people.

Well, they're lying.

I heard that after school one day...

Karen invited you over to go swimming at 888 Spence Street.

Spence only goes up to 880, right?

How long did you spend even looking for 882?

An hour?

Did you ring any doorbells to ask where...

...888 was?

That's how you must have found out, right?

Some neighbor must have told you.

Then they were like, "Looks like somebody played a trick on you, kid."

Right?

Shut up!

Ow! Oww!

God!

Don't.

Aah! Ah!

Fuck!

Sikorski.

Smoke?

Yeah.

Where's Frost?

There was a battle. With wasps.

He ran away.

You got a light?

No.

Where you going?

Back to base.

Mind if I walk with you?

Whatever.

I just love smoking. Don't you?

I don't know. I guess.

Can you do me a favor?

I don't know.

Could you grab me that leaf up there?

Why?

I just think it's beautiful. Don't you?

It's a leaf.

Don't you ever appreciate something just because it's beautiful?

Please?

For me.

Thank you. I love it.

I'll keep it forever.

Okay.

So, tell me about yourself.

What's your first name? Trevor.

Trevor. That's a nice name.

Hey, Trevor, could you do me another small favor?

I don't know.

Could you carry my crossbow?

And you just didn't give a crap that we would get stung too?

I had no choice. Yeah, right!

We won the battle. End of story.

And now we know for sure that Quinn is gone.

If Quinn's gone, why are we still playing anymore?

Because a coup doesn't end a war.

But when an incompetent general commits the coup, it makes it easier to win.

Skinner's a spaz.

We'll just run a classic offensive on him, and it'll be over.

Right.

Look, he can't move if he's holding Paul.

He can't defend on all sides.

Maybe... you get taken out. Or you.

But someone will punch through and get his flag.

We win.

But one of us gets killed?

This is war, man, not fucking hopscotch!

You want to win? You gotta have casualties.

Whatever, P.K., but Frost is mine.

It seems easy.

Because it is easy.

As long as Paul stays prisoner, the balance of power is in our favor.

The secret to success lies in simple maneuvers.

Napoleon said that.

Yeah? Didn't Napoleon ever lose a war?

No.

Hey! P.K.!

P.K.!

Oh, my God, you're not going to believe this.

Skinner is mental.

He killed Quinn, and then he put this board on me.

Aw, man, that thing with Kevin was awesome, though!

When he came into the base and started telling everyone what to do, that was one of your best ever!

Skinner was berserk, though. He wouldn't fall for it.

And then he starts torturing me!

But then I burned him and got out, so it's okay.

Hey, I saw Kevin take a couple rocks to the head.

Is he all right?

What?

I have some bad news.

What is it?

I need you to go back.

Go back where?

To Skinner.

Yeah, right.

Look, I've got it all worked out.

In fact, now that you're here to tell us where his base is, it's even more perfect.

He won't leave as long as you're at his base.

I'll run a ring offensive on him and it'll be over.

Did you hear what I said?

He tortured me. He was gonna cut me.

It'll all be over before he even gets the chance to touch you.

No. No way.

Come on.

Fits the plan perfectly.

Make a new plan!

L-I can't. I'm sorry.

I'm scared.

Okay.

We'll start from scratch.

This is bullshit! It's too hot to be out here all day.

Why don't you go back there?

Really would be faster.

Say hi to Frost for me.

P.K.'s got a really good plan.

It won't work.

It's not going to work.

Oh, awesome. Thanks.

Can you be there in 15 minutes?

Yeah.

Uh, wait, Paul.

Where's his base?

The dead woods.

Great. Thanks.

Fifteen minutes.


Where have you been?

We... there was a battle.

Where's Paul? He escaped.

How did he... He escaped, all right? He escaped!

Where's Frost?

I'm here.

Where's Paul? He's gone.

He's gone, and now there's no hope of winning!

None!

So, are you going to give us orders there, general, or what?

I need to get Paul back. Go find Paul.

Okay. We'll go together.

Whatever.

I wanna go with Frost.

Okay, fine, go with Frost. I don't care!

Just go, find him, and bring him back.

Alive!

Come on.

Frost, come on.

Do you remember that one time when you threw Chinese noodles at me?

No.

Oh.

Was your juice good?

Frost, I don't like you.

I like your friend, Trevor.

Frost! Come on!

Bye, Trevor.


If you could be the most famous, richest, most loved person on earth, but had to stick your dick in a dog's mouth, would you do it?

What kind of dog?

Any dog.

A Chihuahua?

Is that really how small your dick is?

I just want a harmless dog.

Okay, fine. A Chihuahua.

Would people know I had done it?

Yes. Front page of the newspaper.

"Local Boy Sticks Dick in Dog's Mouth."

But then it would say I was rich and famous, right?

Yeah, near the end of the article.

That's enough. Your questions are dumb.

There's no relationship between social status and dog blowjobs.

How do you know?

We should start moving into our positions.

Does everyone know what their job is?

Wesley? Stay here.

Guard the base. Protect the flag.

Good. Joker?

Attack from the west.

I still don't like this. What if they ambush us?

They can't ambush three people coming from three different directions.

They don't have enough soldiers.

Caleb?

Good. And I'll come in from the north.

Let's synchronize watches.

Everyone in positions at 1650.

We attack at 1700 hours.

My watch doesn't go up to 1700.

Wesley... you're the key here.

If anyone comes into this base, you have to shoot them and kill them.

Okay? Okay.

Say it. Say, "I will shoot to kill."

I will shoot to kill.

I can do it.

I know you can.

Okay, people... 1700 hours!

Hey, um... sorry I hit you before.

Okay.

I was just... It's okay.

I forgive you.

Okay.

Joker! Let's go!

J...

That was crazy with the wasps, huh?

What happened to you after that?

I was looking for you.

I saw you. What? With that girl?

She thinks she's, like, cool, but she's not.

She's stupid. She asked me to grab her a leaf.

How stupid is that? What are you gonna do with a leaf?

Eat it? God!

She's probably the stupidest girl I've ever met.

You carried her crossbow. She asked me to!

I don't want her to hang out with us.

She's not even like us. She plays chess.

She wouldn't shut up about how much she loves chess.

Do I look like the kind of guy that plays chess?

Bang!

Bang! Bang!

Oh! You got me.

Oh, no, I'm dying!

How come I'm dying so young?

Oh, no. No, please save me.

I... I see the light! Oh, oh...

Medic! Where are you?

No...

Yes!

I'm gonna beat them. All of them.

Even P.K.? P.K. and Skinner.

I'm using strategy. They wouldn't understand.

They don't play chess.

This is the most romantic thing anyone's ever done for me.

That's why I think you'll love France. It's so romantic.

Yeah. I really wanna go there.

Can I still come with you?

Of course. We'll live there.

Where?

In Paris, on the Left Bank.

That's totally awesome.

Shit!


Yes!

Ha ha! You're mine!

Eeny, meeny, miney, mo, catch a chink by the toe...

You know I'm half Korean, right?

Shut up! Oh! Ooh!

Good job.

It was so cool. I shot him three times.

He was just standing there by a tree!

What do you mean? He wasn't hiding?

No, he was right out in the open.

He didn't even fight back.

Grab him, both of you.

Why weren't you hiding?

I got lost.

Did you make it back to your base?

No.

Indian burn.

Urgh!

Did you tell P.K. where we are?

No, I swear... Charley horse.

Oh!

Why are you still loyal to him?

Where's the big rescue?

All he did was the lame thing with the fake brother.

He's using you. So stop protecting him.

Did you tell him where we are?

No!

We're moving. We are?

You're not. I am. I'm taking him to a new base.

The one that we almost used this time.

From two times ago? You c... you can't move.

You're not allowed to move.

Oh, yeah? And why not?

It's against the rules.

Oh, right. The rules.

Fuck the rules!


Ready to get your nose broken, bitch?

No... no.

No...

no, no, no. Don't do it!

Can't hear you.

Please! Please, no!


Uh...


Hey, after the war, do you wanna come over and play video games?

Shut up. We've got a problem.

What?

There's no flag. So?

So, why would anybody come into this base?

It's deserted. We need a flag.

What are we gonna do?

Uh... somebody should go in there and put in a fake flag.

We'll trick 'em.

Yeah. I'll do it.

I dunno, maybe I should.

No man, come on. You gotta let me.

This is such a good idea. Please? I can do it.

Fine. You do it.

So, what do I do?

What color is your gitch?

Go now!


What now?

Just hide!


Frost, what do I do now?

Frost!

Frost, what do I do? Where are you?

Frost!

Ah!

Aaah!


Don't move or I swear I'll kill you.

Drop your gun, now. Drop it!

Skinner wants to see you. Yeah?

Well, I want to see him, too.

Shut up. Move.

Bye, Trevor...

Not again. Shut up!

Stop.

Now you're gonna see the real P.K.

Hi.

Sorry I killed your friend.

He wasn't my friend.

Oh.

Okay.

You're Wesley, right?

Yeah.

Or Altar Boy. In war, I'm Altar Boy.

My name's Jess.

Yeah, I know.

We have Geography together.

Oh, right.

You're the kid who prayed before the test.

You can sit if you want.

So, what did you get on that test?

Forty-three. So it didn't work.

So, if it didn't work, why do you keep praying?

I don't know.

Well, that's kind of silly, don't you think?

Yeah.

But it kind of did work. 'Cause then I knew I had to study.

So, I studied, and got 71 on my next test.

That's good.

God loves me.

Love is important.

Can you do me a favor? Sure.

Can I see your gun?

Yeah, okay.

Is it yours?

Yeah.

It's nice.

So, now you never pray before a test?

No. I study.

That's good. That's a real lesson.

Thanks, Wesley.

See you in school tomorrow, probably.

Bye.


We did it. We beat P.K.

Yeah.

He got Sikorski, though.

Oh, well. Oh, well.

Go home, Frost.

What? Go home.

But I'm not dead yet.

Okay. You're dead.

You asshole!

Is there something you wanna say to me?

No.

You know I beat Quinn, right?

I figured.

I beat Frost. I beat Kwon twice.

And I beat you. I won.

You don't have my flag yet.

You don't want to say that you were wrong about something?

No.

You don't want to be friends again?

Not really.

But... I won. I beat everybody.

I told you before.

I don't wanna be your friend.

Oh, but you'll be friends with that piece of shit?

Yeah.

But I'm better than him!

You used to be friends?

Best friends.

Before your dumb ass moved here.

Now we're gonna be friends again, because P.K. isn't friends with losers like you.

Skinner... let him go.

Okay. Fine.

Kwon can be included. It could be the three of us.

I don't want to be your friend.

Why? Look at you.

You always freak out about nothing.

You're a total spaz.

Every time you lose a game, you go nuts and throw the board across the room.

You're no fun to play with.

Okay.

You don't want to play fair.

So I won't play fair.


I've just got to get the flag to the base.

You're amazing.

I killed everyone in my way.

Or outsmarted them. It's easy.

Like playing chess against a retard.

But why? Why'd you do this?

For you.

Compared to you, everyone's a retard, even P.K.

That's so incredibly romantic.

We're both romantic. We're soul mates.

That's why we should live in Fra...

Good boy.

Got something for you.

Wait. Please don't kill me.

I don't even care about Skinner.

I don't even care about your stupid war.

I just wanted to get the flag.

For Quinn.

Because I like him, all right?

I like him and I wanted to do something nice for him.

Please, Caleb.

I love him.

I'll give you a choice.

You can rescue Kwon and leave... but I win the war.

You don't win until you get my flag.

Or... you win the war... and I'll never bother you again.

But... you have to cut Kwon.

What you you mean, "cut"?

What? P.K.!

Shh! You have to draw blood.

However you want. On his face.

No way!

P.K., just take the loss.

Who cares?

What if we called it a draw, and you...

No! Just take it or leave it.

"A"! We'll take "A."


Why do you care?

Just let him say he won. It's not even a real win.

It won't even hurt. Yes, it will!

Okay, just stop... just stop for a second.

Think about it. We can tell everybody it's not a real win 'cause he didn't get our flag.

You owe me this! I did everything you asked!

Come on, P.K., do it.

This is stupid.

You're not like this.

Do it!

Do it!

What the fuck is that buzzing?

Oof!

Stop.

You lose.

You okay?

Yeah. It's just a scratch.

Sorry.

My hand must have slipped when the plane crashed.

You don't wanna kick him or spit on him or anything?

No.

What are you looking at?

A loser, right?

Everybody look at the loser.

The stupid fucking loser!

Oh, yeah? Well, I am a loser, okay?

I'm a loser, and I can accept it.

I'm gonna die a loser.

You're just perfect. Always the winner.

Up on that throne with your best buddy.

Yeah... your friend cut you.

He's not your buddy.

I never liked you.


Thanks.

So... you coming over?

Nah.

What? What do you mean?

I'm going home.

I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to cut you.

It's an old Chinese strategy called "deceive the sky to cross the ocean."

You let your enemy think they're winning, and then you launch a second attack.

Okay.

You believe me, right?

Bye.

Oh, come on, stay. We don't have to watch Patton.

What do you wanna watch?

Maybe tomorrow.

Okay, s-so, I'll call you tomorrow!


Come here. Good boy.

Sit. Sit.

Good boy. Good boy, Shadow.

Shake.

Good boy, Shadow.

Good boy, Shadow.