I Had a Bloody Good Time at House Harker (2016) Script

Do not be afraid, child.

You must be Harker's boy.


Quincey, sir. Of course you are!

The devil has returned.

Van Helsing!

Was delicious.

Did you really think you could flee to the Americas and I would not find you?

Go to the house.

House Harker... how delightful!

I killed the last vampire.

You may have killed Count Dracula, but he was not the last.

And there will be more.

You do not have the Master's power...

From the ashes and bone I devoured the Master's skull and consumed his power.

Now I... Am... The Master...

I can't concentrate if you keep mouthing my lines, Gerry.

I'm not!

Yeah... you are.


But like I was saying... we picture the house! It's 1912!

Now that I have Dracula's power, I will turn you and your family into vampires!

A new legion of undead will rise!



And then the boy cries...


Quincy! No!

He pulled me too hard. Again.

The lights dim.

The lights dim.

Yeah. Got it... Got it.

And big finish.

Before he died, our great-great grandfather, Jonathan Harker, told his son to burn the bones of the last vampire.

But... the boy chose to keep one piece.

The head of the monster.

A skull of the first vampire.

The power to turn others and create a legion of vampires.

A reminder of that fateful night and to stay vigilant and if the forces of evil should ever rise again.


Applause... applause... applause!

Mr. Harker...

Call me Gerry. My dad was 'Mr. Harker.'

Yes, and I am sorry for your... loss.

But when the Leechwood County Clerk's office granted you fifty thousand dollars for property renovations... we never agreed to financing this...


It's a disaster piece! Have you completely lost your mind?!

That money was supposed to make this home a safe and suitable historical landmark!

Not bankroll a god-awful freak show about vampires!

This house is a deathtrap!

Broken glass.

We're gonna fix that.

What is this even attached to?!

Zip ties.

This actually looks pretty good.

Well we did start the renovation! Then Gerry came home.

Why is there a wood-chipper at the top of the stairs?!

Do you see any wood up here?


Props for the show.

You're using real wooden stakes?

Those aren't real.

Wait, those are real?!

Why are their spices in the fuse-box?

I thought it was a spice rack.

You can't latch the spice rack.

A person could wander in off the streets and find themselves on that stage.

If the cable was pulled at the wrong moment, they could step out without having any idea they're about to be impaled in the throat!

Way ahead of you, lady.

Did it ever occur to you that it could get stuck?!

Trust me this thing is safe!

Is everyone okay?

You have one week.

One week to finish renovations and we won't sue for misappropriation of funds.

About the money.

I mean look at the detail of that background!

It's like he's really there!

One week!

And fix your damn door!


You forgot your T-shirrrr...

Got it!

If you cannot reimburse the fifty thousand, this property will be condemned and seized by the state.

And I'm afraid Leechwood has very strict water usage hours.

So I'll be sure to add this to the fine. Good day, gentlemen.

You forgot your free T-shirt!

We blew it.

I fucking nailed it, man!

You can't break character! Not in the middle of a scene.

Well you're the big Hollywood actor. You play the vampire!

No, it has to be a Harker who tells the story... and Charlie does not want to do it!

What about your sister then?

No, Paige thinks this whole thing is a bad idea.

Yeah, well it is.

Dammit. Charlie was so proud of making these.

That does it! You darn Harkers! I warned ya about that damn dog shitting in my yard...

Mavis, that is not our dog! I keep telling you that...

You Harkers are all alike! Making a mess of everything.

For the record, I'm not a Harker.

Whoa whoa whoa... Mavis! Leave those boys alone.

Shut your mouth, you old fart!

Now you... clean it up!

She didn't like the shirt?

Nah, it's shit.

Okay, from the top.

No, no, no... I can't be late for work again, because my manager will kill me, man, because he's a psycho.

Like a serial killer psycho, like I'm gonna wake up in a trunk or something.

But I don't give a shit! Because he pays me.

I don't even know why I help you guys.

I'm back!

Hey, Paige! Need any help with that?

I'm good. Give Wayne a hand.

Aww, dadgummit!

Man... thank you, Charlie.

When are you gonna end it with that dick socket?

Real classy, Ned.

I told you before, I do not trust that guy.

You don't trust my fiance... the Sheriff?

Your brothers hate him.

They're humoring him.

So I take it you're not coming to the wedding?

Well, actually I'm making you a special gift for the big day.

It's not a wood carving, is it?

Yeah it's a wood carving! Gerry loved the one I made for him... where is it, by the way?

It was... stolen.

Hey, stolen?! Why didn't you tell me?!

How'd it go with the County Clerk?

Did she 'have a bloody good time' at House Harker?

Shut up, Wayne! It was awful...

Awfully good. Awfully good.


I told you, Paige. People want to hear about our family.

Well, hope you boys are hungry.


I thought you were late for work.

Hey! Wanna take a ride in the squad car?

Get you there in a jiffy! Whoop-whoop!

We all know you're a big shot now, Wayne, but I don't need your charity.

Okay... okay.

Hey! It looks like all your wood carvings are selling like hot cakes!

All gone!

Okay! Okay! Okay!

Ha ha!

You're late, Morris.

Sorry, Kevin. I lost track of time, pal.

Funny... we lost track of time too.

Playing with our new toy.

It slices and dices up to twenty-two carvings in minutes.


No... no... NO!!

We put all of your carvings in the wood chipper.


You're fired, Morris. This should be easy enough to carry home.

Two years... two years of work in a goddamn wood chipper!

Get out!



No, you have to say, 'french fries' or my 'potato' sounds stupid, so... Potato!

Open potato.

Never mind.

What the hell am I gonna do now, guys?!

Wanna know what we're gonna do? Charlie, can we fix the house in one week?


Therefore our only shot is the show.

The show? It's not gonna work, pal!

People love vampire stuff!

People love male models that sparkle and pout.

Gorgeous people.

No one's scared of vampires anymore. Thank those stupid Stacey Mendler books.

The Nix County Necro has struck... again.

Law Enforcement are baffled as they have discovered five defiled bodies in the Nix County area.

Sheriff's Deputy Denny Green reminds us that 'even if he kills you... you're still not safe.'

And in other news...

We should show them the real vampire skull!

What real vampire skull?

This is a bad idea.

Alas, poor Yorick!

This is a bad idea!

No, mine!

Stop it!


Keep em coming, Bart.

Can we have another?

We'll have another.

What is with the fucking pencil?

When we were kids, he used to talk to the walls.

One day my Dad hands him the pencil and says, "Use this to get out your feelings."

He took it literally.

Like Asperger's?

Who's getting burgers?

Hey, kid... what's in the bag, kid?

Look, dude! It's your movie!

Hey, kid!

Leave me alone! I'm just going to school!

Leave me alone!

"He was an outsider in a small town with dreams of making it big."

Your daddy was an accountant, dammit, and you're gonna be one too!

Your mother was right! You're nothin' but an accountant!

"Based on the true story of one boy who defied the odds..."

Twirl, baby. Twirl.

"From the team who brought you... Kazoo."


What a piece of shit!

They might not be your demographic.

Hey, Gerry...

Twirl, baby! Twirl!

Let's go. Let's go.

Aw, come on! I love when you guys come in here!

Once people find out you're here, they show up just to mess with you.

Gives me a ton of business!

You guys know I spent like six fucking months learning how to twirl that thing.

I thought it was gonna be a good movie.

It was supposed to be the 'Billy Elliot' of baton twirling films.

It was a great movie! Do you know how many little boys you touched?

Their lives!

Why does everyone in this town hate us so much?

They don't hate us.

What? What?!

I can't even... talk to you right now.

Come on, they're jealous!


I'm awesome. You're awesome. Your sister is hot!

Wait, what?

She's beautiful!

Come on, Gerry!

She's been this whole town's spank bank since she grew tits!

Are you...?! My God.

She is! She's beautiful! That's disgusting. That's disgusting.

Like a sister, Charlie. Like a sister!

That makes it worse!

Twirling is something they can never take away from you.

Every single time you do it, I get inspired...

Charlie. Every single time you do it, I get inspired...


I mean the last time I was sad, I just put on the movie...

Charlie... Charlie! I lied, okay?! I mean the last time I was sad, I just put on the movie...

Charlie... Charlie! I lied, okay?!

I never learned how to twirl.

I tried... I tried...

I just was too embarrassed to tell you.

They hired a stunt-man, and it was visual effects.


Well now you've done it.

The performance of your life! That was amazing, Gerry! Wow.

I believed him for a second there. He's gonna be twirling till the day he dies!

I'm going to watch every time.

You fucker.

Fuck, man!

Did somebody leave the door open?

Where's the fucking money?!

Come on!

Where's the fucking money?!

You could not have picked a worse day to rob us!

You kidding me?! I saw the sign outside, all this dusty old shit...

I know this place is loaded!

We're not...

Don't lie to me, fucking Dopey, I'll paint your brains all over this fucking wall!

Might have a few quarters! My credit cards are all in...

Shut the fuck up and sit the fuck down! Might have a few quarters! My credit cards are all in...

Shut the fuck up and sit the fuck down!

It's the Nix County Necro!

He's gonna kill us then fuck us!

What do we got here, boys?

That's just an ordinary box! There's nothing in that box...

We keep our money... in a box with...

Smoother edges.

What the fuck is this?

That thing is freaky.

What the fuck is that?!

Ooh-ho-ho-hoo... What do we got here?

There's a sign, pal.

This sign? The 'do not pull' sign?!

What, are you running some kind of freaky-deeky kinky sex show here?!

It's a family show! It's sort of a tourist attraction!

Bout what?


Vampires? What, are you guys con artists?

You dupe people to come in here and believe this dogshit?!

Hey! You cannot just come in here and make fun of their beliefs.

No, Ned, it's okay.

I got this! Now I may not believe in this... a person could wander in off the streets and find themselves on that stage... if the cable was pulled at the wrong moment, they could step out without having any idea they're about to be impaled in the...

Shhh! Now I may not believe in this vampire stuff...

I said shut the fuck up. But these assholes do... and they are my assholes!

I said... shut the fuck up!

No, no, no! Don't pull it! Leave it in! Leave it in!

You okay, pal?

That could've been me!!

We're in trouble! Dad was right! It is dangerous!

I'm pretty sure it was cause that fuckhead yanked on the cable!

There is a sign!

Whoa, what're you doing, man?! We can't call the cops!

But Wayne!

Sure, he'll bail you two out, but he knows I'm his only competition for Paige!

I'm not spending the next five years getting my turd-cutter tongue punched by a cellmate named daddy with a straw doll collection!

You guys, this was not our fault! It was an accident!

Actually, the official citation from the County Clerk did say something like this could happen.

Something like this did happen!

Could this day get any worse?!

Dude, we can't use paper towels... there is blood everywhere!

Well, what then?!

Got it!

Charlie! Get something to wrap him in and I'll pull around the car!

Vacuum, Ned.

Aw, man.

Come on. Come on!



Those Harkers are up to something... I know it!

Dammit, Mavis! Leave them boys be.

Get over there now or I'll smother you in your sleep!

You would.


It looks pretty damn clean in here. Good work.

Well, you know.

Let's turn him over!

I didn't know rigor mortis set in so fast.

It doesn't.

Well he was on a lot of drugs.

Man, if you could show this to kids, and say look...

Look what can happen!

Hey, hey, Walter!

Sorry to bother you, but you know that soul-sucking succubus of a wife...?

She literally threatened to kill me if I didn't come over and find out what's going on with all the ruckus.

Just sprucing the place up.

You know I heard about what happened.

Yeah. The County Clerk.

Yeah! Yeah, yeah...

You need any help?

No, no, no... we're fine.

That's a damn shame about your father's passing.

He did such a fine job of raising you kiddos on his own.

I never knew your mother, but she was a...

handsome woman.


How you boys holding up?

We're fine!

Well... if you need anything, I'll probably be murdered by my wife.




Let's dump it right here. Come on.

Where do you think it goes?

Probably Lake Superior.

This isn't going to work.

Charlie... it's gonna work!

I saw it on an episode of Unsolved Mysteries.



At least we know the body is gonna be far away from here. Come on.

Hey, Kip?

Yeah, Denny?

Found a body.

You guys are up early.

Or you never went to bed. Long night?

How... how... how was your night?

It was... fine.

We just... watched TV. Cuddled on the couch.

Twirl was on, so we watched my brother the superstar.

Heard you boys got into some trouble last night.

Hey! Hey, hey...

Those boneheads at the tavern giving you guys guff?

Look, what they don't understand is that.

Twirl is like the 'October Sky' of baton twirling movies.

All right? Cheer up.

Hey, Sheriff? You're gonna want to come and see this.


I gotta go, babe.

Okay... see you later. Bye. I know, sorry.

All right! See you guys!

Well I'm off to go yawn a big bright chunky rainbow.

I'm gonna... pay the...

What's going on?


What are you not telling me?


You're okay. You just had a little fall.

He's fine... he just rolled off...

I don't know. Looks pretty scuffed up to me.

Maybe I should just use yours?

No... that's... I...

That's... Spit it out, special ed!


Well maybe I will use your pencil then.

No! No, please don't... give it back!

No? Don't give you the pencil back?! Okay, I'll keep it then!

Hey, dipshit's pencil. I'm Chad.

And I'm gonna pay my bill with you and then snap you in half to teach your special friend here that you're just an inanimate fucking pencil!

Chad Cheever?

Quarterback for the Leechwood Devils...?!

Sup, Paige?

How'd a chick like you wind up in a family with him?

He's not so bad.

He's got his strengths... not unlike yourself.

Yeah you're not so bad yourself.

I'm sure we can find something much better to do with these hands of yours, don't you think?

What'd you have in mind? Wouldn't want to piss off the town Sheriff...

That shouldn't be a problem for you.

You're all muscle, right?

And not much else.


You see, Chad... I need the whole package.

And the word around town is that you don't have much of a package at all.

So unfortunately for you, it's a... small town.

What did you say, bitch?!

What did you say to me?!

Your family is such a freakshow!

Hey, you don't know the first thing about my family, asshole!


Retard... Faggot... and the princess who thinks she's better because she happens to be mildly hot!

What is wrong with you people?

Fuck you, Chad!

I might if you ask nicely.

Chad Cheever!

Go Devils!

We're going to State!

God, will you let go of me!?

If I do, will you calm down?

Let's just go.

I can take care of myself.

No you can't, Charlie!

Are you kidding me?

Then I should've just let them break the pencil cause then you'd stop acting like such a...

Say it again! Say it again!

What was I supposed to do?

It's not like Charlie could do anything about it.

Yes he can, Paige.

You just have to let him try.

I'm the only girl in the world who has to protect her big brother.

He'll surprise you someday.

Until he does... you better plan on picking me up from detention.

Every day.

I'm sorry. Charlie, I'm sorry, I didn't mean...


I feel like I missed something.


Unde îl îngropam?


No, this traitor we feed to the wild dogs.

Hahaha! Look! Haha! Dog is hungry!

Be bones by morning.


Hey, doggy doggy... you hungry, doggy?

Come on little doggy... time to eat...

Tu Dracul! Strigoi!

Whoa!...what is... that?!

We've ID'ed him. It's that killer who's been on the loose.

He was just spotted less than twelve hours ago outside of Leechwood.

Decay around the lacerations show he's only been dead a couple of hours.

It's his blood... it's gone.

What do you mean gone?

Completely! Like something just sucked it out of him!

Like something came along and...

All right, let me stop you right there, okay, Gil?

It's that kind of talk that causes pandemonium in this town.

The legends, the stories... they really freak folks out. All right?

Boys? Mums the word. Let's keep your lips sealed.

Right, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You too, Gil. Okay?

Okay? Got it?

Everything okay, Doc?

Yeah, yeah... I'm fine.

Hey, everyone knows about the body they found this morning.

I can't talk about it.

Time to take the edge off?

No, no... I'm sober now. I've been through the 12-Step program...

And here's to step 13.

Something just chewed up his neck!

I've seen animal attacks and this...

No blood... and bitten right here!

It was probably a drive-by! You know, like one of those gang-bang thingies!

If you're scared I can protect you.

No thanks! Vampires are hot!

Chad, I'm saving myself.

Babe, it's vampires. We gotta repopulate the Earth.

How many people constitute a mob?

Calm down! Calm down! Calm down!

I'm hearing a lot of rumors... and any such talk of vampires, well that's just plain silly!

If there were vampires, those Harkers would've said something about it, right?

Dadgummit, Denny.


Where do they come from?! Have they been here the whole time?!

How do we stop them?! What are they, terrorists?

You know, the body the cops found this morning!

Awful. Tragic.

Always use the buddy system.

Okay, guys! Guys! Please disperse!

Everyone go home... there's nothing to see here, okay?

These guys don't know shit.

Guys, I am so so sorry.

I don't even know what's going on!

It's okay, honey. We just found a dead body this morning... neck was mangled, blood was drained, had fang marks...

People just get a little paranoid.

See, this is why I was worried about the whole show thing.

Yeah, of course, vampires!

We know a lot about vampires!

We were just... hey... come back!

Solid, solid police work, Wayne.

Send the whole town over here to terrorize us!

Good job, pal!

Hey, Ned!

No, no, honey. I am so sorry, this is completely my fault.

They just hear the word... and they think of your family. Let's get inside.

Wayne! I can't believe I didn't think of it!

How were we supposed to know?

We dumped a dead body with a mutilated neck drained of blood in the lake!

Well when you say it like that...

I knew it!

Have you been here the...?

The whole time, you sickos!

Mavis, put down the gun! Please!

This here gun is for my protection... you murderers!

I saw you the other night out my window.

That? We were just...

Get back in here and shut the fuck up!

I know what you did, I saw it with my own eyes!


Get over there! Both of you!

They're good boys, just like their daddy. Get over there! Both of you!

They're good boys, just like their daddy.

These 'good' boys murdered that man in cold blood and dumped his body!

Mavis, please...

You can all rot in hell... the whole bunch of ya!

I've had it!

I'm turning you in... and you Harkers will be done!

You're finished! You're...


She's dead.

Why does this keep happening?!


We gotta talk.

Well? I think I'm gonna throw up.

That's the craziest idea I've ever heard.


I admire his candor.

It would work.

He's right.

Guys, everyone in this town hates us... we know that.

But for a brief moment, they didn't.

They were interested in what we had to say.

Which was nothing, apparently.

But what if they did believe in vampires?!


You don't even believe in vampires.

You're right, I don't.

But I believe people pay good money to feel safe and I sure as hell know you do not want to lose our house!


The probability of your plan's success isn't high enough to warrant the desecration of your wife's body.

She tried to kill us, dude!

That's true.

Work shed.


I'm not gonna do it! You do it!

You carve things all the time...

I don't carve people with my chainsaw!

I'd love to help you, but... might get messy.


Now don't hesitate. We don't want it to bind up.

It's in my mouth!

Gerry, why are we doing this?!

It's a bad idea!

One down!

Yeah, that'll do it.

Good job, buddy.

I'll get the Shop Vac.

All right, boys. Here's the plan...

After we lay her outside, I'll draw as much attention as possible.

You boys go out to the forest and make yourselves dirty.

I'll call 911 to set things in motion.

And in less than 10 minutes the news will show up.

So once you see the lights... make your way back.

Can you tell us what happened here tonight?

It was a vampire!

Don't worry... I'll make believers out of all of them.

Those were the ones who saved me!

What was it? What was it?

We chased it!

We staked it!

It got away.

Vampires in Leechwood?

You expect us to believe this was a real vampire?!

Of course it was a vampire!

We could be dealing with a maniac on the loose! Where's your proof?

Fine! Fine! You want proof?! We'll capture it... and we'll show it to you!

Okay? We're gonna catch the vampire and you can all see for yourselves! Okay?

Right here! At House Harker! All right?!

You heard it here first, ladies...

Well that wasn't exactly in the script, Gerry.

It's beginning to feel now like we drilled a hole in my wife's neck for no reason!

I know! I'm sorry... I'm sorry! I panicked!

Prove it... How are we going to prove it, Gerry?!

We show them the real vampire skull.

Where's the real vampire skull? I'm sorry, Gerry. We hid it.

From me? Why?!

We're going to lose the house, Charlie!

We had to. I'm sorry.

Your father said that the skull was cursed.

Wait, you've seen it?

Yeah. I'm no stranger to the forces of darkness, fellas.

I mean when I first met your pops... I was still a Priest.

Where do you think I learned on how to handle the situation with Mavis?

I mean, misdirection of information is the church's specialty.

Makes sense.

I mean it was ages ago.

But I used to handle exorcisms, demonic possessions... you name it!

Our Father, who art in Heaven...

NuqDaq-OH puchpa-e.

The power of Christ compels you!

The power of Christ compels you!

The power of Christ compels you!

Fuck you!

The power of Christ...

Not so bad.

You fucking moron!

I cast you out, in the name of...

Jesus Christ!

Yeah... yeah...

Can I get you something to drink?


I have seen some stupid fucking imbeciles, but... you are the worst!

A person can only be yelled at and puked on so many times by the spawn of Satan.

I guess you could say... I just lost it.

I had left the Priesthood. I was lost. But then...

Watch where you're going, you pecker-head!

You damn near killed me!

Why, I've met some morons in my day... pick up my damn groceries!

I'd spent my entire life getting yelled at by demons.

I guess I sort of missed it.

What the hell are you looking at?!

Man... your breath smells!

Your hair looks like a dog cut it!

I couldn't even stand looking at you everyday of my life...

I'd shoot myself in the face.

Golly... I would never want to be a part of your life!

All those years we were together, I figured she was just probably possessed by a demon.

Sorry to interrupt story-time.


Gerry, can I have a word?


What were you thinking?

No such thing as bad publicity?

This isn't a movie, Gerry... It's our lives!

This isn't a movie, Gerry... It's our lives!

Hang on.


She seems pretty miffed!

That is a nice one.

That is...

Hey, I was thinking that maybe you and I could... have a little talk.

It's just...

I saw you that one time... she, she said that one...

I'm gonna go check on Charlie. Okay?

All right, good.

It's bad enough that you dragged Charlie into this sideshow, now you've got the evening news waving a camera in his face!

He's fine.

You saw what happened at the diner.

He still believes all the crazy stories.

Everything Dad ever told him.

All I'm trying to do is give this shithole of a town a reason to believe him.

Would they pick on him then?


They'd be sorry they messed with the Harkers.


You always do this.

You always make me feel like you know what you're doing.

And that's how I got my first part.

I have an idea!

We kill Wayne!

No! Proof?! They want proof...


We hire an actor.

All right I'll do it.

Not you. Who?

He played my coach in Twirl.

He's kind of an arrogant asshole, but he was good.

Like, really good. Like Daniel-Day Lewis level of commitment.

Go on.

People are coming here on Friday night looking for a show.

We give them a show!

And then we swoop in and save the day!

The probability of...

What choice do we have? This is our Hail Mary pass!


We are thrilled to welcome Stacey Mendler... best-selling author of the 'Succulent' book series.

Now, Ms. Mendler, you've captivated millions by taking this violent, horrific monster and turning it into a sensitive, sexy, sparkling hero.

What inspired you to reinvent this creature?

Okay, well first of all, they're not creatures... they're just misunderstood people.

I mean someone had to tell their side of the story.

I've just brought the humanity back.

As you may have heard, we recently made national news with two alleged 'vampire attacks'...

But this behavior is in stark contrast to the misunderstood and loving people that you write about.

Would you care to comment?

Let me be clear.

Whoever is staging this hoax are low-down con artists looking to make a quick buck.

This insensitivity and, I'm sorry, flat out racism towards vampires is sickening.

I've got news for them...

My book tour was never coming to Leechwood.

Now it is.

So you'll do it?

A thousand bucks. Non-negotiable.



I'm sure it'll be worth it!

Are you kidding me? After I transform, I'll be the character.

The make-up, the hair... I'll be the scariest thing you've ever seen.

Thanks again, Tanner! So good to catch up after...

You got eight hundred bucks?

What d'ya think?!

Sup, Nedward Scissorhands?

Fuck off, Gerry.

If we are gonna be vampire hunters... we are gonna look good.

I forgot the best part!

How kickass is that?!

Will that even work?

It'll work. Made something for you too, pal.

It's a baton!

Made out of wood!

'Twirl, baby. Twirl.'

Thanks, man?

Come on! You guys are not ruining this for me!

I wore that stupid vampire costume for your show!

Your turn.

I feel like the Robin Hood of fetish porn.

Vampires beware!

You guys look like a bunch of dweebs.

How are we on the live stream?

You really think we can get enough viewers to make any money?

Even if we monetize, it's gonna take millions of views. How many we got?

Currently...? Four.

All right.

What's this bullshit?

I need you on the door, Paige!

What are you doing? It looks like a haunted house!

It looks like we have painters coming over.

Have you seen our budget?

You guys look... unbelievable!

I told you!

All right...

Ten bucks each if they want to see the show... and proof of purchase?

They gotta wear one of these!


Once the sun goes down... things are going to get crazy!

♪ I'm driving in my car ♪

♪ I'm in my car alone ♪

♪ I like to drive it fast ♪

♪ I like to drive it slow ♪

Hey... you didn't say you were in the middle of nowhere.

Hey, man... where are you?

Says I'm an hour out.

Park a few blocks away and call me when you're close.

And remember, no one can know...

Yeah, I got... Yeah, I got it, I got it. Discreet.


Lord have mercy.

Are the centuries-old legends of Leechwood County true?

Two bodies have been discovered with mutilated necks and drained completely of blood.

In a town anxious for answers, there are three men who claim that vampire hunting... is in their blood.

This is the place.

Lord have mercy on my tired old bones.

My God, Stacey... I love you!

Will you sign my boobs?

I've read all your books! I love you, I love you!

Thank you so much. Thank you so much for coming.


I think what you're doing is super tacky.

I mean, vampires are beautiful and sensual creatures.

This sort of exploitation undermines any real knowledge there is to vampires.

And if you read my books, you would know that.

I'm really looking forward to scaring the shit out of these people.

No such thing as too much!

I super-glued a guy's dick and sent him to the E.R., but I thought it was hilarious.

Everything in the wood-chipper!

Quite the turnout.

I know, right? It's actually kind of amazing.

But it looks like it's going to be a lost cause.

I'm sorry, what?

Given there are those foolish enough to pay for this pathetic attempt, I've calculated that you won't come even close to reimbursing the fifty-thousand dollars by tomorrow.

You can say goodbye to House Harker.

I just came by to see which room I'd like to make my office.

What can we expect for tonight?

Tonight is not for the faint of heart...

We're trained professionals though, and you're gonna expect...

Enjoying yourself?

One sec. Okay?

Can this wait?

When were you going to tell me?!

After we were evicted?! After we lost everything?!

Hold on, it's not what you think...

You can't talk your way out of this one, Gerry.

This whole thing was your idea, not mine.

Not Charlie's. And it sure as hell wasn't dads.

Dad always wanted to hide things. People need to know...

About you!

Right, Gerry?!

It's always about you.

You left and you didn't even care about us.

You never called once to see how dad was doing.

He died and you were too busy focusing on you!

And then when you weren't getting enough attention, you tucked your tail between your legs and came back to see us.

And now you're trying to help.

We don't need your help, Gerry.

We don't need you.

We were doing fine without you.

I'll go pack my things.


This is my gift.

I made it.

Not for the wedding... not for Wayne... for you.

I love you.

I always have.

You're my beautiful mermaid.

Jesus, Ned. Not now!

So you don't like the carving?


Are you kidding me, man?! I almost killed you!

Great. Another vampire.

Nobody said there was gonna be two vampires. Look, buddy...


Tanner? Hey!

What, is this guy lost?

I don't think we should go through with this.

Gerry, I stole these costumes!

Well that was your id... Wait, what?

This is our chance!

The entire town paid money to see us catch a real vampire, just...

We only made twelve-hundred dollars! That's not even close!

Come tomorrow, we lose the house.

I lost the house.

This whole mess is my fault.

It's definitely your fault.

Come on, Charlie.

But look at us.

We look fantastic. Especially me.

When we were little... people used to stare at us and point...

And they'd say, "Look at those weirdo Harker kids and their loser friend Ned."

No they didn't.

But what did Dad say?

He said, "Life is a chess match..." and the game isn't over until checkmate."

Gerry, you think you've lost the house, but you haven't.

Not yet. It's still on the board. It's like when you left.

Paige and I thought we'd lost you, but Dad always said...

"He has to play his own game."

He was so proud of you, Gerry. Because you'd won.

You made Twirl! The 'Karate Kid' of baton twirling films.

So if we lose the house, it's okay.

There are other pieces on the board.

We still have each other.

And Ned.


And their mutherfucking bad ass friend, Ned Morris.

All right, let's go find our vampire.

Holy shit, man! Now that is fucking scary!

That make-up is next level, Tanner!

Like I said... kind of an asshole.

He doesn't sound very healthy.

He's probably in character.

We should probably get him out of sight. Come on!

That's a great idea!

Yeah, yeah! Go inside and lay low until we're ready!

There's snacks downstairs.

Hey, make yourself comfortable. Mi casa es su casa.

Hey! I want to talk to you!

Wayne, I know... Paige is pissed.

No, no, not you.

No... Hey, Charlie. Not you.

Hey, you! I know you have feelings for Paige.

Come on.

Hey... hey look!

I know you love her, okay?

I've learned to accept that.

But why can't you accept me and stop being so dad-gum mean all the time?!

Once you become a best-selling author, it is so hard to meet guys.

It's like they can't handle my gift. You know?


My special connection with vampires.

I can sense their presence, you know?

I mean if one was near... it's like I could feel him...

I know. It's a lot to take in.

You know what? I love her.

And I'm gonna take good care of her and you know that!

Guys, maybe we should get inside.

Give the guy a break! He's pouring his heart out here.

See what I mean? It's like he doesn't even listen!

Am I sparkling?

Aw, man. People are trying to leave already.

I'm sorry?

Was that... was that so hard?

Ha ha... okay, pal.

Okay. That's good.

Yeah. Okay.

Let's get back in there, before we miss all the fun, right? Yeah.

Okay. Okay.

Hey, where'd you go?

Line for the pisser was too long.

And I brought my private stock.

What the fuck?!

Hey, Doc, what in the Sam Hell are you doing?

Are you taking to the bottle again?

His wife is gonna be so disappointed.

What's wrong with his face?!

Step back.

Sheriff Wayne for Kip... Sheriff Wayne for Kip, do you copy?

Sheriff, we've got a situation here!

Another dead body on the side of the road... neck mangled like the others... few miles outside of Leechwood.

His ID says his name is... Tanner.

Tanner Scott.

Wearing a funny costume like he's from Transylvania or something like that.


We knew he didn't sound healthy.

How could I be so stupid?! We invited it inside the house!

Repeatedly. The skull?!

Because I didn't think there would be an actual vampire.

We agreed to put it in the basement. It has all things that Gerry hates!

It's dark and constricted and it has spiders...

Yes, I know that's all things that vampires love.

Dad would be so pissed right now!


Will somebody tell me what the hell is going on?!

So the actor...? Yes!

Was a...? Yes!

And he's a...? Yep.

Vampires can't be real!

Can they?

Hey Kip, I'm gonna want you to step away from that body... it might spring up on you.

Nah... I don't think so. He looks like...

He looks like shit.

He looks like shit, Wayne.

He was just feeding. Gaining power.

All he needed was the skull and now he can create a legion of vampires!

Why aren't they escaping?

Well there's crosses on the doorway and on the door handles... and the windows...

Looks like your great-grandpa made this house apotropaic.


Wards off evil.

They're trapped!

For now.

If they can't get outta the house... we're home free!

Sun comes up, they're fried!

Come on, fellas. First rounds on Wayne!


Where's Paige?


I'm going in!

No, no, no, no! Close the... door!



Come on, Wayne is a cop with a gun. I'm sure he's fine...



So... how long do you think it would take for your sister to get over the fact that I accidentally... shoved her fiance into a den of vampires?

Three months?



Come on, pick up!


And now they know there's someone upstairs.


It's time?


Hold this.

In nomine Patris et Filii et Spiritus Sancti...

You sure?

This is gonna work!



Fuck it!



Boys... now!

I did! It isn't working!

Now, boys!

Get outta here!

Charlie, you did it!


French toast!

No it has to be french fries... that's the joke! Never mind!

Gerry... turn on your sunlamp!

I need an outlet!

There's a light right here!

She scratched me! Am I gonna turn into a vampire?!

It has to be a full moon I think!

Do you guys know anything about vampires?

I am so sorry!


I'm gonna make sure she's dead.

Yep, she's dead.

Where is everybody?

Go go go go go go!

Why are they popping?!

They always do that!

Will you put that thing down?!

It just needs some juice!

Come on, baby! Give me some juice!

Here comes the juice!

Here it comes.

Hell yeah, it worked!


I can take care of myself.

Go Devils.



Where's your clothes, big fella?

No, no, no, no...!

Please don't pop.

It's warm.

I don't want to talk to you, Gerry.



And... big finish.

Thank you.

You are my sunshine... my only sunshine... you make me happy... when skies are...

What do I even do?! Kick him in the fuse box!

What does that mean?

The spice rack!

I said, I don't want to talk to you...

Walter, come on!

Go! I'll hold them off as best I can!

Go, boys.

Get Paige outta here.

Come get some, you satanic sons-a-bitches!


Hey, Gerry.


If you're not too busy, could you get this hairy fucker off of me?

What is that... pee?

If anything, he peed on me!

Make me piss myself...

Get off of me, Kevin!


We came here to...

Save you?

Who says I need saving?

I feel really bad losing the house.

How everything went...


You can't lie to me, Gerry!

You're right! I've been selfish.

If we're gonna be family, we have to be honest with each other!

I know! I promise!

I know I wasn't there for you guys... but I'm here now.

And I want to be a part of everything.

I love you guys!

And we love you, Paige!

Dammit, Ned! Not now!

Got it. We'll talk later.

Hey, has anyone seen Wayne?! Where's Wayne?

Anyone seen Wayne...

Hey, Wayne!

Aww, is that Paige? That is so beauti...

Wait, you really liked it?

Now I feel terrible.


He seems pissed.

Don't move!

He can't see you if you don't move.

Not moving.


Look! I'm immune!

Not immune! Not immune! This sucks so bad!


Thank you!


Look at the whole board.

Broken glass.

You're using real wooden stakes?

Why is there a wood-chipper at the top of the stairs?

You can't latch the spice rack.

I can't get out.

Don't... don't overthink it.

Just look.

They hit him again, Dad.

I still don't know what to do.

Don't be scared, Charlie.

I know... It can get crazy out there.

But you know when that happens to me what I do?

I use... this.

What is this even attached to?

You're my beautiful mermaid, Paige.

Maybe I will use your pencil then.

I need you, buddy.

Oh, come on!

Shit. My head.

My God! Ned!

You're alive!


Not now. Not ever.

Take your time.

My God, did you piss yourself?

No... no.

They're monsters, Paige. They peed on me!

How did Ned change back?

Maybe if you kill the big bad guy...?

Before the first sunrise, the power of the first is destroyed... the rest are restored.

Yeah, but they were all assholes.

No. Paige, I didn't mean...

About Wayne, I'm so sorry. I had to.

Thank you for taking care of us, big brother.


That smarts! Dadgummit!

Wayne's alive. Yay.

If staking a guy in the shoulder killed a vampire... I'd be a goner!

That's a good job!

What about Walter?

What about me?

Well, this isn't the first time I've been bathed in the blood of vampires.


I'm so sorry.

I made T-shirts.

Sorry you lost your pencil, Charlie.

Potato. French Fries.

So... they really are... vampires.


They're nothing compared to the goddamn werewolves.

Is this thing still recording?

The live stream? My God...

How many views?

A hundred and twenty-five...

All right. Million. Okay.

We could do the show!

What? We could definitely do the show.

Wait. Did we make money? I was thinking that first, we should... maybe get a kitchen. We don't have a kitchen anymore.

I mean, the kitchen can come after. We've got to focus like right now.

We have momentum. Look at this.

Our house is halfway through a remodel.

I know, but right now we can't stop the progress. We made money.

Wait, can they hear us? Every word.

Hel... Hello! If you can hear us, Hello!

Hello! Hello!

We've gotta strike while the iron's hot, you know? Hello! Hello!

We've gotta strike while the iron's hot, you know?

Like, like... we'll focus on the show... You know what else? We could make... and go to Bed, Bath & Beyond. More money, guys.

And we will get some stuff... Let's not just make money off of this...

I mean, we also have to go to, like... Let's make money off Ned's wood.

To Home Depot. If you are looking for Ned's Wood.

You can't just go to Bed, Bath & Beyond to get everything. You can go to http.

Because it's a great store, but that's where you get... I think it's a colon... just the stuff you put in a finished house. Two... two forward slashes...

And we don't have a finished house. We have half a house. Ned's, N-E-D-S, underscore...

You know, we've got a... Wood.org.

A... a fuse-box for a spice rack. Go there...

And Ned goes to the bathroom in a bucket...

I don't have any sculptures right now...

I don't even have a bucket. Because I had a little accident with.

You don't have a bucket? I have to go to the bathroom in... the other wood that I had there.

What's up?

Shit! I should've been there.

Been there? Sheriff Wayne said the whole town is dead.

Yeah, but I wanted in on some of the action.

Action? We would have died first, bro.

No, not me. Especially you. No.

Guys like us don't live long in situations like that.

What do you mean 'guys like us'?

When you wake up in the morning and you look in the mirror, what do you see?

John McClane.

No, what do you see?

John Rambo.

You've seen the movies, bro. We always die first.


Look at us. What are we?