I Hate Kids (2019) Script

In the West, the Royals can clinch that division with a win over the Angels.

Last night's one-nothing squeaker game, the Royals.

And once you get a good rub on that loin, it's all about smokin' it.

And how long do you normally smoke it?

Well, I smoke it till it can't smoke no more.

One, nothing lead.

Good morning, Los Angeles and welcome to the Mystic Morning Show.

As always on Saturday mornings, we have The Amazing Fabular in studios taking your calls and enlightening us all with his psychic powers.

First up, we have Chaz from Mar Vista.

Good morning, Chaz.

Mornin'.

What can Fabular do for you?

Well, I'd just like to know where my dog Petey is.

He went missin' about three weeks ago and I really miss him.

I'm seeing a dog.

A medium-sized dog.

Oh, he was pretty big, actually.

Yes, a medium large dog.

Who's the B?

I'm getting a strong sense of B.

Who's the B?

My wife!

My wife's name is Barbara!

Yes.

She is upset that the dog is lost.

Oh, no, she didn't like the dog at all.

And by that, I mean she is upset with you that the dog is lost.

Yep, she wants me to give up on him.

But you mustn't.

No, no, that's right.

I've got great news for you, Charles.

Chaz.

Charles, Petey is on his way home to you right now.

Really?

That's great.

Thank you, thank you, Fabular!

I don't create what I see.

I am merely the messenger.

I'm comin', Petey!

Thanks for the call, Chaz, and good luck with Petey.

Next up we have Tim Tai Choi from Monterey Park.

What can Fabular do for you?

Yeah, hello.

I want to ask, Mr. Fabular.

Where you get off telling my wife that I am cheating on her!

The truth is liberating but also very painful.

Liberating?

What liberating?

You ruined my wife, you ruined my life... Let it out.

Let the pain out. And my marriage!

All right, next up on line three, we have Josephine from Rancho Cucamonga!

Good morning, Fabular.

Fabular?

Fabular?

Hello?

Maybe now might be a good time to take a short commercial break while Fabular takes a meditation.

You okay, buddy?

You okay?

Mason.

She's all yours, Jimmy.

Sure thing, Mr. Pearson.

And thanks for that tip last week.

Did I give you a big tip last week?

Oh, the advice.

How'd that go?

She broke up with me.

I see.

Keep the change.

Thanks.

Hey, it's the I Hate Kids guy!

My god.

Oh, yeah, yeah, that's me.

This is so cool!

I have been waiting here all day.

Will you sign this for me?

Yeah, of course.

Man, you are a total genius.

Oh!

It's like you're inside my head.

When I found out I was gonna have that one, I sat in my garage and tried to think of ways to end it all.

Well, the book's really more tongue in cheek for those who choose not to have kids.

Exactly!

You totally blew my mind!

I was like, if I ever meet this guy, we are gonna be best friends

'cause having kids is beyond life ruining and you get it, bro.

You get it!

Here ya go

Oh, yeah!

Wow.

That's enough.

Thanks, buddy, that's enough.

Okay, I gotta.

Great meeting you.

Take care, kids.

Hey!

You know who that is?

You know who that is?

A little late, aren't we, Nick?

Yeah, I'm a little late, Walter.

I'm a little late.

I'm gonna need a shot of liquid courage.

What do you suggest?

Well, if you were 15 minutes late, I'd say wine but since you've crossed over the lateness equator, I think we're looking at bourbon.

It's your professionalism I admire, Walter.

Bourbon, it is.

Perfect.

You know, I finally finished your book and I caught you on Kelly and Ryan the other day.

You're making quite a stir with this whole I Hate Kids thing.

Mm-hmm.

Kelly wasn't having any of it.

No, she certainly was not.

No, she wasn't.

Luckily I have a woman back here who is more than okay with it.

Better not keep her waiting.

Wish me luck.

Good luck.

Sorry I'm late, folks.

You know how these book tour press junkets go.

Hey, Mom, hey, Dad.

Hey, bro.

Hi, Kelly.

Oh.

You're lucky I love you.

You do know what will happen if you're late to the actual wedding, right?

Of course.

That's why I had my lawyer make you executor of the will.

Well, I know that we just wanna thank you all for being here with us on this special occasion.

I wanna make a toast to the bravest woman I have ever met.

Anyone who can get hitched to such a humongous bag of hot air is truly one of a kind.

So here's to Sydney's mom.

Sorry, Phil, I couldn't resist.

Jeez!

Reverend!

And Nick does not consider the evening a success unless bourbon comes out of Reverend McGooley's nose.

Sorry, reverend, it's the good stuff.

We're off to a great start.

Here we go, folks.

Hang in there. Are you okay?

All right.

He's good.

Okay, my turn.

When I first met Nick last year, I was moderately impressed.

He is clever, he is devilishly handsome and handsomely devilish.

He keeps me laughing and he is smart enough to know when he has lost an argument.

But I knew that he was the man of my dreams when he spoke these three precious words to me.

I hate kids.

What?

Well, we're having a baby, so.

And since my brave and very beautiful sister Kelly is handling the creation of grandchildren, it frees Nick and I up to pursue a much less complicated life together.

Besides, over the years I've managed to kill a hamster, a gerbil, two turtles and a horse.

A horse?

That was a joke, the horse.

I didn't kill a horse.

But my record as a care provider is less than stellar so here's to a lifetime of adventures.

Just the two of us.

Cheers!

Cheers!

Can I help you, sir?

I think I need a drink.

What'll it be?

Something sweet with bubbles and a splash of grenadine.

Sounds serious.

It's very serious.

Do you wanna talk about it?

It's family stuff.

Here ya go.

Thanks.

It's okay.

It's on the house.

Thanks.

Do you know where the Pearson party is?

Yeah, it's down the hall, first set of double doors on the left.

Wish me luck.

Good luck.

Okay, I will start the ceremony with a little introduction like, dearly beloved, we are gathered here today in the presence of God to join Nicholas Buchanan Pearson That's me. and Sydney Dell Bartlett in holy matrimony.

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Di da di da, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.

And then I'm required by the collar to ask be there anyone here today who knows of any reason why these two should not be joined in holy matrimony?

Speak now or forever hold your peace.

Excuse me.

Can I help you, young man?

I do.

You do what?

Well, I mean, this seemed like the perfect moment to say it since you asked the question, right?

What's goin' on, buddy?

What are you talkin' about?

You're my father.

It was just one night.

Not you, sir.

No, him.

He's my father.

I'm your dad?

Yes, you're my father.

Who is this, Nick?

Who is this?

Oh, ha, ha, ha.

Very funny, hilarious!

Whose inappropriate little caper is this, Larry?

Brian, you do this?

No.

Simon?

No. Not me.

Was it any of these guys 'cause...

I don't know who these people are.

Ooh, is that cake?

I love cake.

All right, son.

You've had your little joke.

Now just move along.

It's not a joke, ma'am.

He's my dad.

All right, well, in typical fashion, my ingenious friends at The Jonathan Club just don't know when to end the sketch.

I'm just gonna take a moment to tip this little thespian for his stirring performance and I'll be back before you finish your cake.

All right, I'm afraid I'm unaware of the protocols when it comes to gratuities for embarrassment so bear with me.

50 gonna do it?

What are you talking about?

I am talking about your tip.

Just take it and tell whoever sent you that you did an absolutely smashing job of disrupting my evening.

I don't want your money.

Look, kid, take it.

I'm not usually this generous.

Listen, I need you to find my mom.

Buddy, I don't know you so I wouldn't know who your mother is.

Well, you must have known her, at least a little bit.

Why?

Because you're my dad.

Look, stop saying that.

I'm not your dad.

But you are. No, I'm not.

Yes, you are. I'm not!

Yes, you are! Stop contradicting me.

See?

You sound like a father.

I do not.

Yes, you do. I do not.

But really, you do.

Look, this is ridiculous.

No, thank you, we're all set.

What does he want?

He wants to give us a towel.

Why?

'Cause it's his job.

Well, why don't you take a towel and let him do his job?

'Cause I don't want a towel!

I wanna get rid of you and get back to my wedding rehearsal. Thanks.

Can I keep this?

No, yes, whatever, I don't care.

I don't care at all.

Just take the money, kid, and get outta here.

Nick?

What's going on?

Is she supposed to be in here?

No.

Don't worry, Syd, I'm handling it.

Everyone's waiting for you.

Did you know this man gives free towels to people?

Oh, hi, thank you.

Nick, do you have a...?

Yes, here, thank you so much.

Gotta go, coming through. That's for the towels.

Look, Syd, I'll be right there, okay?

I'm just wrapping things up with our wonderful performer there.

Okay, please hurry.

Yeah, two minutes, love.

I promise.

So what's the plan, Dad?

Stop calling me that, all right?

I'm not your dad.

Where'd you get that stupid idea from anyway, huh?

From him.

How do you do?

I am The Amazing Fabular.

What is that, a service rat?

Mr. Sparkles is a dog.

He is my portal to other dimensions of sight and sound that provide me with the gift of clairvoyance.

Oh, you're a fortune teller?

I am a world-class psychic, sir.

I have clients among persons of the most well-known celebrity and high society.

Yeah, and here you are in the men's room.

Hmm, as unaccustomed as I am to having to avouch my credentials within earshot of a public commode, I can tell you that unequivocally, this boy tells the truth.

You are his father.

Oh, yeah?

What makes you so sure?

Mr. Sparkles told me.

Oh, excuse me, let me get this straight.

You want me to believe that this man-child here is the fruit of my loins because you received a cosmic message through the strange little rodent that's tucked in your armpit?

Is that it?

Precisely, ruff!

Excuse me, I'm due back on planet Earth.

Uh-uh, perhaps, these DNA results will convince you.

DNA what?

Nicholas, Nicholas!

What is this crap about me gettin' cut off, huh?

It's humiliating.

Nicholas, what has gotten into you?

I mean, what in the world is going on?

I am very disappointed in you.

Tell Syd that I will be right in. And by the way, who the, is that kid?

I will be right back. Money into this...

Take the reverend with you.

Get him a drink, get me one, too.

All right, I don't know what to make of this.

And you've kind of caught me at an awkward moment so just meet me at this address at 11 p.m. tonight.

Can you do that?

Sure.

All right.

Why don't you take that towel and get rid of that thing that's hanging from your nostril, kid?

Thanks, Dad.

See you tonight.

I see good things in your future.

Bye, Mom, bye, Dad.

Goodbye, cake eater. I love you so, so much.

Thank you for everything.

I'll see you Sunday at the wedding. Love you, honey.

I love you, Dad. Bye, dear.

Oh, bye, bye, guys.

Hey.

Sorry.

What was that all about?

What?

The whole kid prank thing?

Who would do that?

That's not cool.

I know, it was so tasteless, right?

And that kid wouldn't tell me who hired him.

He must have been paid a lot of money.

He's a good actor.

Yeah.

Anyway, it's an awkward memory now.

Hey, this book publicity has just got me exhausted.

My bed is calling me.

Oh, yeah, honey, I understand.

Why don't you go get some sleep?

Okay. I'm gonna stay and have a drink with Kelly.

I'm gonna drink, she's gonna eat cake.

Okay.

Hey, Syd?

Yes?

I love you.

You'd better, there's no going back now.

But I will see you tomorrow.

We've gotta go over music for the band and seating arrangements.

Can't wait.

Mwah, 10:15!

With bells on!

Okay.

He seems in a hurry.

He's dead tired, Kelly.

Uh-huh.

What's that supposed to mean?

Uh-huh, from the Latin.

Uh meaning he's acting fishy, and huh meaning he's up to something.

Okay, spare me your paranoid fantasies.

I know you don't like Nick but you gotta get used to him.

As of Sunday, he's family.

I like him fine.

He's just, you know, he's a little, a little too perfect.

You talking about in bed?

What?

Don't hit my belly! I didn't mean to!

Can I have your wine?

No, you can't have wine.

Can I have a sip?

No wine, no sips.

First of all, absolutely no one can know about this meeting.

Is that clear?

Perhaps we should talk in code in case your house has been bugged by the secret paternity police?

I'm so glad you're amused by this.

You have no idea what this could do to me.

Oh, yes, I do.

Scandal!

Man who makes fun of people who have children for a living doesn't know he has one of his own.

Tabloids love that kind of stuff.

It's not just that.

It's Sydney.

Who's he?

She is my fiancee and we're getting married on Sunday.

What's wrong?

You don't think she'll like me?

Well, children aren't part of our plan.

Well, you should have made that plan before you made me.

Preach the gospel.

That's insane.

How do I even know that this is my DNA?

Well, about six months ago, I was listening to Fabular's radio show.

Saturday mornings, we have The Amazing Fabular.

Which I really like to listen to every Saturday.

I like the extra sensory perception and stuff.

And all of a sudden, The Amazing Fabular says...

Mason?

I know who your father is.

So of course I'm like, wait a second.

My name is Mason so maybe I'm the Mason he's talking about.

So I call up the show and Fabular tells me it's me and that my dad's a famous writer named Nick Pearson.

That's you.

Yes, I know that that's me.

I mean, what are the odds?

Crazy ones, if you think about it because when I was born, Mason was a super popular name, so there are like a kajillion Masons.

Sure, okay.

So then I went on the internet and I Googled Nick Pearson.

And a lot of stuff came up about how you write books, about how you hate kids and little dogs.

Yeah, and I hate psychics.

Where are your manners?

Go on, come on.

Get to the DNA bit.

Right, well, I needed some part of your body.

So I went on eBay and I found somebody selling a lock of your hair.

What?

Yeah, it's your barber.

He collects the hair of his famous clients and sells it on eBay.

That could be anybody's hair.

Is your barber named Nino Spaghettios?

Nino Spanetti.

Oh, my god.

So then I bid on the auction and I won.

Then I found a place on the internet that does DNA testing.

So I cut off a piece of my hair and sent in those samples.

A few weeks later, the results came back.

It was a match!

Yes!

Yes, yes!

So then I called The Amazing Fabular to tell him and he said he wanted see the look on your face when I told you.

There's nothing like live theater.

I know what I'm gonna title my next book.

I Hate the Internet and Hairstylists.

Don't forget psychics.

All right.

What do you want, kid?

I just wanna find my mom.

Your mom?

Who's been taking care of you all these years?

I have a foster mother.

Annie Gordon.

This is really good, Annie.

But she's getting really old.

And she has narcolepsy.

Annie?

She can't take care of herself anymore so she's being moved into a home which means I'll end up back in foster care.

That's why she let me come here with Fabular to find my mom.

A wise, wise woman, with an acute sense of character.

I imagine she wouldn't like you very much.

Look, I know you don't want me, Nick because you're famous for hating kids and all.

No, I don't exactly hate kids.

You're the only one who knows who my mom is.

Okay, how old are you?

13.

13 plus nine.

Where was I 14 years ago?

Oh, my god.

All right, this is gonna be more difficult than I thought.

Let's say I was acquainted with a lotta different ladies at that time of my life.

How quaint.

And that's the other issue.

I don't want my fiancee or my in-laws to know about this bountiful romantic history of mine.

You have such a way with words.

You really should be writing cards for Hallmark.

Hey, if you're such a good psychic, how come you can't see who his mother is?

Because this journey was meant for the both of you to take together.

Isn't that right, Mr. Sparkles?

All right.

Despite the chorus of voices in my head that are screaming like banshees to run like hell from you two weirdos, I'll help you.

Really?

But the deal is I will give you two days of my time and if we don't discover who your mom is by then, you move on, I move on and we close this chapter of our lives.

Is that clear?

Deal.

All right, meet me back here tomorrow morning.

I'll research the possibilities.

And with any luck, I'll wake up and this will be a bourbon-induced nightmare.

Let us take leave of this Lothario and investigate the many places this man may have planted his seed.

We'll see ourselves out.

Night, Dad.

Good night, kid.

It's Mason.

Good night, Mason.

Thank you.

Thanks, come again.

Hey, sweetheart, where are you?

Don't say late.

Where is he?

Hey, look, Syd, a little situation came up.

A situation?

Oh, really?

I said, shush!

What'd you say?

Not you, hon.

What's going on?

Oh, well, so I got a call from Albert this morning.

It turns out one of their college circuit lecturers dropped out.

I gotta pop up to Santa Barbara and fill in.

And you agreed?

You've gotta be kidding me, Nick!

What is it?

What is he doing? Stop!

I know that the timing is inconvenient but it's Albert.

It's not like I can say no to him.

He's my publisher, babe.

A little inconvenient?

The wedding is this Sunday!

I mean, can't they find somebody else?

Maybe somebody who isn't about to celebrate the most important day of their entire life?

I'll only be gone a day.

Maybe two.

Two?

I don't know what to say.

I'll be back before you know it.

Besides, don't they say it's bad luck for the groom to see the bride before the wedding?

But they don't mean the whole weekend!

And I love how understanding you're being, honey.

No, I'm actually not being understanding.

This is not the sound of someone being understanding.

Oh, my gosh.

Okay, so now you suddenly have to disappear for a few days right before your own wedding?

That sounds pretty suspicious to me, Nick.

Hey, Kelly, my favorite sister.

In-law.

All right, look, I gotta get going so tell Syd I'll ring her when I get there, bye.

I'm telling you, he's up to something.

Maybe it is something good.

Did you ever think of that?

No, Sydney, there is something he's not telling you.

And I think it has something to do with that kid from last night.

Nick just explained the situation and I have no reason not to trust him.

I'm just saying.

I have to pee.

Oh, oh, oh, oh!

The baby's kicking!

You wanna feel it?

No, I'm okay.

No, no, come on, feel it, feel it.

No, I actually don't wanna feel it.

Just feel it for a second.

Just for a second. Actually, I don't really want to. No, come here.

Say hello to your Aunt Sydney!

Ooh, it's just so weird!

It's so strange!

Why can't human beings just lay eggs like more sensible species of the animal kingdom?

Like peacocks and platypuses.

It's just so much easier.

Ow!

Whoa, what the?

Surprise.

How'd you get in here?

You said to come back in the morning.

The door was unlocked.

What are you doing to my furniture?

The feng shui was off.

It simply had to be done.

Fabular needs room to have a clean aura to receive messages.

Yeah?

Is he receiving the message I'm sending him right now?

Do you loofah?

Do I what?

Loofah, I mean, do you loofah?

I don't loofah.

You should loofah.

I don't wanna loofah.

It removes the dead cells and helps add a delightful luster to your skin.

I got a book on the New York Times Best Seller list.

I don't need a delightful luster.

Your rat took a dump on my carpet.

Oh, Mr. Sparkles!

Why didn't you tell me you needed to make a stinky?

Santa Barbara, huh?

Ooh, maybe you should pop by for a surprise visit.

Ha, ha, that's funny but we still have to hit the bridal shop and nail salon.

Okay, I was just saying, I thought it'd be a nice gesture.

That would be a sneaky and suspicious gesture.

Only if he's actually there.

Of course he's there!

Just stop it, Kelly.

There's no way you're getting into my head on this.

I'm pretty sure I will.

Just drink your juice.

Last night, I sorted through all these letters and address books and I came up with a few possibilities.

Mmm, I'm sensing something here.

Oh, I'm so glad you're here to substantiate all my research.

I'm getting an A.

A really big A.

Well, that makes two of us.

Such darkness!

Well, I'm filled with darkness before my morning coffee.

You can make fun of me all you wish but I'm still the one who identified you as the boy's father.

Yep, you keep telling me that.

But I'm the one who had to figure out which of three Christines might be his mother.

Three Christine's?

Yeah, three Christine's, two Jennifer's, two Barbara's, four Patty's...

♪ And a partridge in a pear tree ♪ Please don't sing ever again.

All right, the point is anyway that I managed to pinpoint the ones who mathematically fit the chronology.

And none of them begin with A.

So then, how do we figure out which one's my mother?

We're gonna take a little road trip.

I contacted the ladies, they know we're coming, they just don't know why yet.

Why wouldn't you just ask them?

Because I think something as delicate as one's potential maternity is probably best discussed face to face.

Got ya.

All right, let's get goin'.

We have a large amount of people to cover in a small amount of time.

Not unlike your illustrious past.

Does he really need to come?

Definitely.

Let it be known that I require this safari of yours to end early as I'm supposed to be at the Holiday Inn Burbank on Friday to deliver a keynote speech to a symposium of my peers.

And my peers tend to be snippy.

If we're not done by then, I'll have a lot more to answer to than a bunch of phony soothsayers.

Guys, this car only has two seats.

Right.

I guess we'll have to take the Fab-Mobile.

The Fab-Mobile?

The Fab-Mobile.

Perfect.

So, what's the name of this first member of your countless sexual conquests?

Carla Intintoli.

I like the name Carla.

Carla Intintoli.

She is from Italy.

No, her dad's Brazilian.

Yes, he is.

He was a farmer and he used his hand to make money for the family.

What are you doing?

Are you doing psychic stuff right now?

Don't do that right now, okay?

I can't help my blessings.

They just come to me, Nick.

Really?

I thought Mr. Sparkles here was the gifted one.

Well, it goes to Sparkles, then to Fabular.

All right, okay.

Just don't say anything

'cause I don't wanna freak Carla out.

It'll be my pleasure.

You think she'll remember you?

They never forget.

Nick?

Hi, Carla.

Is that really you?

It's me.

Wow.

I never thought I'd have this opportunity again.

Opportunity?

I think it's great that she remembers you.

Why was she so mad?

Well, Mason, when relationships end, people get emotional because they gotta justify why they were with that person in the first place which can manifest itself in bitterness, resentment, hatred or violence.

Okay, we have a triple patty burger with fries, well done and a strawberry shake with extra cherries.

One small dinner salad, hold the croutons add extra garbanzo beans and dressing on the side.

And one frozen bag of peas.

Thank you.

I have to pee.

I'll be right back.

Why do I get the feeling that every woman you ever dated has a bone to pick with you?

I bet you racked up quite the bag of karma.

Why don't you stop your yammering and tell me the truth?

I beg your pardon?

What's really goin' on here?

How much money are they giving you?

Or are you looking to fleece this kid's foster mom out of her life savings?

How dare you.

What's goin' on?

What's in it for you?

The boy needed my help.

Isn't that enough?

For the record, if I do find out that you're using that kid for any reason, any reason at all, I'm gonna beat the crap out of you.

Aw, you're gonna give me a knuckle sandwich?

Whatever it takes.

You call that a threat?

Yeah.

I am The Amazing Fabular.

I've invoked the wrath of several hundred loyal radio listeners.

I've been threatened by men the likes of which would leave you in need of reconstructive surgery.

What's amazing is that reasonable people would actually take advice from someone like you.

Sorry to bother you, but my father, he's a huge fan of your work and he said the check's on the house if we could get your autograph for the wall.

Sure.

I'd be delighted.

What's your name?

I'm sensing a D?

Daisy.

Wow!

You're really good!

Your show is huge in Australia!

I don't know if you remember a guy named Mickey calling in about five years ago?

Yeah, well, anyway, that was my little brother and he had lost his baby kangaroo, Skippy.

Skippy!

Yeah!

So anyway, you said that he missed his mum and hopped away and guess what?

Five years later, my brother called me and said that he found Skippy hopping in a field with his mum!

Skippy, he's safe!

Thank you!

How's your nose?

Let's keep moving down the list, okay, Mason?

All right, yeah.

Well, Janice Bodicker?

It's Bodicker.

Bodicker?

Kinda rolls off the tongue.

Bodicker.

Bodicker!

Bodicker.

Nick.

Janice. This is so exciting!

The girls and I started baking you a cake right after you called.

That's so sweet.

You didn't need to go to the trouble.

Oh, no trouble at all.

The girls just love when we have company.

Come on in.

Okay!

Why don't you all just get yourselves acquainted?

Be nice, Donna.

And I'll be right back.

I think I wanna wait in the car.

Me too, it's so stuffy in here.

And creepy.

You boys must be thirsty.

The one with the strawberry in it is yours, Nick.

To true love.

Cheers!

Bottoms up!

Well, okay, so I'm just gonna get right to it.

We came here to ask you something really important.

Nick!

I knew that you were here for more than just a... visit.

Did you and I have...

Say it, say it, say it, say it!

Just ask, ask, ask, ask, ask...

Did you?

A child together?

Of course we did, Nick.

We did?

That's why I've kept up on all your success.

I wanted him to be proud of his daddy.

I knew we'd all be together again someday.

Oh, god, this is the moment!

Okay, whoo!

Nicky, say hi to your daddy!

We all think he looks just like you.

It's like, is it big Nick or little?

Well, go on, just aren't you gonna say hi to your son, Nick?

Hi?

Okay, I'll just be a moment, okay!

I'll let you guys talk.

He's gonna cheer you up.

Okay, just let him get settled.

One second, one second.

I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say that she is batshit crazy.

We gotta get out of this place.

She is not the one you seek.

What about the cake?

Are you kidding me?

I'm starving.

I'm just adding the nuts!

Mr. Sparkles!

Oh!

You are in trouble, young man.

You scared the living daylights outta me!

Oh no!

This is bad.

Oh, shoot!

What did you do to my girls?

Oh, god!

Bonnie, are you okay?

I'm terribly sorry about this, ma'am. I'm calling the police!

You assaulted my girls!

Is there any way I could take a piece of that for the road?

Get out, get out, get out!

That's okay. Get out!

Sorry, Amanda! Thank you!

Good to see ya, take care!

Hey, no!

That went horribly wrong.

Does this make Nicky my stepbrother?

Oh, that's very funny, cake face.

Get in the car.

I told you she wasn't the one you seek.

Perhaps now you won't be so quick to dismiss the gifts of others?

Gift, my ass!

That falls under the category of obvious.

Gimme the keys.

You drive like an old lady.

Very well.

The gift needs to power down.

Can you power down that shirt?

It's giving me a headache.

Two down, a few more to go.

Are you really gonna leave without saying goodbye again, Nick?

Is that a flame thrower?

Where'd she get a flame thrower?

Drive!


I'm not ready to die!

I don't wanna die!

Hey, what do you think?

It's great.

What's that look all about?

All right, I hate to be the one to say, I told you so.

I think you love being the one to say I told you so.

Okay, yeah.

Fine, that's true but I only do this to protect you.

I don't need to be protected from Nick.

Really?

Well, I just got off the phone with Albert.

Albert, Nick's publisher?

It had to be done.

And when I mentioned him booking Nick last minute, he had no idea what I was talking about.

Kelly, can't you just be, wait, what, what?

There is no Santa Barbara speaking engagement.

But why would he tell me that?

Exactly.

Oh, wait.

What are you looking for?

I lost my phone.

I think you left it on the coffee table of the house of your true love, Janice Bodicker.

Shall we go back and get her?

Never mind, I got insurance.

Did you say this one is called Winifred?

Yeah, Winny for short.

I'm sensing a very peculiar aura.

No, that's your rat.

Ever since you fed him that chimichanga from the Gas 'N Go.

No, this is something different.

Wait right here.

Is Winifred Cartwright here?

Nick?

Nick Pearson, come here!

Whoa, do I know you, buddy?

Yes, it's me, it's Winny!

Of course, I go by Freddy now.

It's less confusing.

How long you been Freddy, Winny?

Well, you know, you and I had that night together and then the next day I went and had surgery.

I don't blame you.

I cannot believe I let you get into my head like this.

Then just call him, Syd.

I don't need to...

That way you'll know what's going on.

And you're right, maybe it's nothing.

It's probably nothing.

I mean, I bet it is, it's something but.

What, it could be nothing.

Okay.

Hello?

I'm sorry, who am I speaking to?

None of your business, that's who!

Well, can I speak to Nick?

No, you may not!

He's gone again with no regards for my feelings or his child!

His child?

What?

I'm sorry.

Are you saying that you and Nick Pearson had a child together?

Yes, we did.

A beautiful baby boy.

I now regret ever having laid eyes on that man!

When he wrote that book, that hating kids book, I thought he was just being funny but I now know that every word of it was the truth.

Where is Nick right now?

Hopefully lying dead in a ditch with his two friends while that little dog of theirs just eats their remains!

He hates dogs.

What?

My advice to you is to stay as far away as possible from that deadbeat!

Okay, what is going on?

I think it's pretty clear.

I mean, that woman, she does not sound normal, and a dog?

Syd, first some kid shows up claiming he's Nick's son then Nick lies about where he is going and now, this weird woman admits they had a kid together.

What more do you need?

It's case closed.

I don't think so, Kelly.

I need proof.

Wow, okay.

Somebody's in denial.

Fine, we'll get proof.

I don't understand.

If Winny is Freddy, why were you asking him if he had your child?

Because he used to be a woman.

Wow, how do you do that?

You have any hobbies?

You like reading books or anything?

Sometimes, I read your book.

Really, what'd you think?

It made me wanna write a book.

No way!

That is so cool.

I'm so thrilled I could inspire a young writer.

I wanted to write a book called I Hate Parents.

Oh.

So, what is that thing anyway?

It's a fidget spinner.

It helps keep me calm.

Oh, yeah?

I could use one of those.

Look, you don't have to do this.

What?

Pretend like you like me.

Just help me find my mom.

That's the deal, right?

So why do you hate kids?

I don't hate kids.

I just don't see eye to eye with them.

It's not so much that I hate them, they hate me.

I don't hate you.

Does your fiancee hate kids, too?

No, she just likes things uncomplicated.

Why are there spoons in my comforter?

All the butter's gone.

What am I gonna dip my shrimp in?

What's he dreaming about?

Sounds like he's channeling Gordon Ramsay.

Oh, great.


License and registration.

Yes, certainly, officer.

You know why I pulled you over?

Was I going too fast?

The speed limit is 45.

You were doing 50.

This is not my car so I'm not really used to how it handles.

It pulls.

Well, that doesn't change the fact that you were breaking the law, now does it?

No, no, no, it doesn't.

Excuse me, officer.

When was the last time you had your radar gun calibrated for accuracy?

Excuse me?

Well, you see, many speeding violations are dismissed because the citing officer failed to have regular maintenance checks on their equipment.

Don't move, I'll be right back.

What are you doing?

Helping.

My foster mother used to be a paralegal for the law firm of Dewey, Cheatem & Howe.

No, Mason, that law firm doesn't exist.

It's an old joke.

I know, I was making a joke.

Oh.

I don't know about the timing but pretty funny.

All right, Mr. Pearson, I'm gonna let you go with a warning this time.

Watch your speed.

Thank you.

And one more thing.

Mm-hmm?

Hey, brother, can I have your autograph?

I'd be happy to, always.

Man, my wife and I, we listen to you on the radio all the time.

You have admirable qualities, officer.

I'm sensing a promotion in your future.

Well, actually, I'm puttin' in for early retirement in three months.

Yes, which will promote healthy relaxation in your previously hectic life.

You can say that again, Mr. Fabular.

All right, man.

Hey, you drive safely now.

All right. Of course, of course.

You watch your speed.

No need to thank me.

Thank you?

For what?

For extruding us from that awkward and embarrassing confrontation.

You had nothing to do with it.

I most certainly had everything to do with it.

I was manipulating and deflecting his negative energy.

Thank you, Fabular.

Yeah, thank you, Master Yoda.

Now shut up, please.

Who's next on the list?

Christine Hurley.

Do you see anything?

Get in there, go!

Oh, I just, I don't feel good about this.

I think we should go back home.

What?

He gave you a key, didn't he?

By giving you a key it is implied that you have permission to gain entry at any time to the domicile said key unlocks.

I'm pretty certain that implication doesn't mean scavenging said domicile for dirty little secrets.

Okay, you know what?

I take no pleasure in this.

Yes, you do.

Okay, I do.

Okay, yes, I do, a little bit.

But again, it's all for you.

I'm pretty certain you missed your true calling as a criminal mastermind but let's just get this over with and we'll get out of here.

Patience, Syd.

This might take a while.

Even Nick wouldn't be foolish enough to just leave a big box of evidence out in the open.

You never mentioned you dated Oprah.

I always figured Christine would land in the lap of luxury.

Face first, from the looks of it.

Wow, I would totally live here.

Maybe you two should hang back for the moment.

I don't wanna just thrust this in her face.

Seems like that's how you got yourself in this situation to begin with.

Hilarious.

Wait here.

Don't just stand there.

Wow.

I have to be at UCLA in one hour to give my speech on women's empowerment in the social media arena.

The helicopter will be here in five minutes.

How fast can you tweet?

Huh, I don't know.

Strike two.

If you want this job, you'd better pick up the pace.

Job? I require someone who can manage my schedule, count my calories feed my geckos and make sure I don't wear the same dress twice.

If you last two weeks, I'll double your salary, okay?

I'm not here for the job, Christine.

Who are you?

It's me, Nick, Nick Pearson.

Nick, Nick!

Oh!

I didn't recognize you, Nick.

Oh, you didn't age well.

You're not on my schedule.

I know, I called you an hour ago, remember?

This is why I need an assistant.

I think I can fit you in on Thursday.

No, I gotta talk to you right now.

It's important.

Okay, you have 35 seconds, go.

Okay.

Did you and I have a child that you secretly gave up for adoption, by any chance?

Why would you ask me that?

Because this kid out here deserves to know who his mother is.

Well, he's awfully big.

Does baldness run in your family?

Not him!

The other one!

Nick, for someone who writes comedy, you really can't take a joke, can you?

I'm a little off my game.

Sorry, Nick, I can't help you.

It wasn't me.

Tell the kid I'm sorry.

Sorry to bother you.

Hey, Nick?

For whatever it's worth, I can't have kids.

You would have found that out if you'd stuck around.

I built my empire instead.

Everything happens for a reason.

Bye, good luck.

Another dead end?

Yup.

You really flushed that golden ticket down the commode.

There are more women here than in my entire graduating class.

My class was huge, remember?

Want chips?

No, Kelly.

I still have to fit into my wedding dress, remember?

Seriously, Nick should be bronzed and put on exhibit at the Alfred Kinsey museum.

Oh, there's another one.

That makes three Christines at last count.

Oh, my God.

Nick is a gigolo.

What?

No, I don't think it says anything about him getting paid.

He's just a slut.

You're right!

He's a slut!

And all this time, he's been lying to me and keeping secrets from me and I've been an idiot!

All signs do point to yes on that one.

So what do I do?

I don't know what to do!

I just need, I need a little more time.

Sydney.

Just a little more time.

Nope, time is now.

What?

It's time.

Oh, my god! We gotta go.

Wait, no.

Cover that, put something on that chair on the mark.

Do you want the chips?

Okay, yeah, bring the chips.

I gotta call Richard.

How're you doing?

Fine.

I wish I had some ice cream.

Oh, well, maybe later we'll get you some.

That'd be great.

What's your favorite flavor?

Strawberry.

No way, that's my favorite flavor.

What are the odds?

I mean, a lot of people like strawberry, so not that high.

Ooh, ooh, Richard, Richard!

Answer your stupid phone!

Okay, okay, okay.

Ow, they're really coming fast now!

Just try to stay calm, Kelly.

Why did you let me eat all the chips?

I'm gonna be gassy in the delivery room!

Do not worry about that right now!

I would just relax and try to concentrate on whatever it is they tell you to concentrate on in those La Paz classes you took!

I wasn't listening!

It's Lamaze!

And how am I supposed to relax when my Lamaze partner won't even answer his phone, god!

Richard, hi, it's your wife.

I'm gonna kill you!

Just breathe with me.

I don't know what to do!

Sorry, that's just chips.

I'm having a baby!

How can he be stuck in traffic?

There's always traffic on the 405.

He'll be here.

Oh, my god, he's not gonna be here in time!

No, no, no, no, I can't do this alone!

Syd, Syd, you have to come in there with me!

Oh, no, no, I can't do that.

Yes, yes, you can!

I am your sister and I say you have to!

Don't they have, like, stand-by people, like rent-a-coaches or something?

Syd, Sydney!

You have to do this or I will tell everyone in here how you shit your pants at Neil Greenblatt's bar mitzvah and then you flushed your underpants down the toilet and flooded the entire basement of the synagogue.

That was like 20 years ago.

I don't care!

I'm about to launch a watermelon out of my punani!

Do not test me, Sydney!

Here we are.

947 Main Street.

Cross Hakido.

Wow, this place looks amazing.

I'm gonna sit this one out and take Mr. Sparkles on a much needed stroll.

We'll see you back here.

Okay.

Let's step that punch!

Single punch!

Two!

Three!

Four!

Attention.

Hey, Nick!

Hi, Schyler.

You look great.

This place is fantastic.

Yeah, and after two years, I'm the owner.

Are you like a ninja?

Almost.

What's your name?

Mason.

Yeah, would you like to join my class today?

Sure!

Okay, there's extra gis over there in the changing room.

Just put one on and then come out to the mat and join the class.

Okay, thanks!

He's a sweet kid.

Mm-hmm.

What's he doing with a nut like you and what do you want from me?

Well, it's a bit of a delicate situation.

I need to talk about us.

Us?

As in you and me?

Yeah, it could also involve other parties.

Interesting.

Okay, five-minute water break!

I'll tell you what, Nick.

I'm a little short-handed today.

Why don't you help me out for the next 30 minutes and maybe I'll answer your questions.

Help you out?

Doing what?

Is this completely necessary?

You want your questions answered or not?

Yeah.

Line up!

Yes, ma'am!

On your knees.

Oh, I'm so glad you're so amused.

Side kicks!

Little lower next time, sweetie.

Could we take this seriously?

I need to find this kid's mother.

Oh, I'm sorry, Nick, but talk about a needle in the haystack.

Well, I'll take that to be a no?

Front kick!

Believe me, Nick, if we had a baby, you would have known about it from day one.

Why don't you ask Tonya Wesson?

Tonya Wesson?

Who's Tonya Wesson?

Oh, now don't tell me you don't remember Tonya.

Remember, my friend Tonya?

The one I caught you with when you and I were supposedly dating?

Oh, Tonya Wesson, yeah.

Well, I mean, that's hardly my fault.

It takes two to tango, you know?

Yeah, but it only takes one to say no.

Crotch kick!

What's wrong with you?

Move!

You don't let everybody in front of you!

Come on, drive!

Hey, baby!

How's it going, huh?

How far away are you?

I don't know, maybe 20, 30 minutes?

I'm gonna kill you!

I'm on my way!

I am coming, don't worry!

You're gonna stay on this phone until you get here or this baby does, do you hear me?

Yup, yup.

Come on, I gotta get to work!

I'm stayin' on the phone.

Thanks for your help, Nick.

Oh, sure, anytime.

Hey, Fabular, check it out!

Oh, that's impressive.

The next time I need a bodyguard, I'm gonna give you a call.

Well, it is a small world after all.

Hello, Ernie, long time no see.

I beg your pardon?

I think you made a mistake.

This is The Amazing Fabular.

Oh, yes, yes it is.

Also known as Ernie Swanson.

Cerritos Clown University, class of 1994.

You went to Clown College?

You bet he did.

Only unlike the rest of our class who dedicated our talents to the entertaining of children, Ernie here parlayed his skills into bilking aging actresses and rich widows out of their bank accounts.

How dare you!

Is that true?

Of course not!

I've never laid eyes on this wannabe Jackie Chan!

Oh, yeah, yeah, all right.

Well, maybe this will jog your memory?

I was there the night Ernie here got so loaded on grog at the Renaissance fair, he got a drawing of Justin Timberlake tattooed on his butt!

I will not stand here and listen to any more of this psychotic slander!

Look, Nick, I meant what I said before.

I wish you luck.

But if you're receiving messages from this con artist, then you're gonna need a whole lot more than luck.

Mason, you're a good kid.

I hope you find your mom.

Thanks.

Goodness, this creature has taken leave!

It's no wonder Mr. Sparkles didn't leap to my defense and rip out her jugular!

Mason, will you just hang out here for a second?

I'm gonna talk to Fabbie for a minute.

Okay. What are you doing?

Oh, come on.

Okay, unhand me!

Show me your ass.

What are you, You let me go right now!

Show me your ass right now! Let me go right now!

Look, I'm gonna ask you one last time, do you or do you not have Justin Timberlake on your ass?

So that's it?

That's how you treat a friend?

We are not friends.

So you'd just take the word of a total stranger?

You're the total stranger.

And this hereby terminates our association.

I don't wanna see you.

I don't wanna hear from you.

You get back into your Fab-Mobile, get outta here.

Nicholas, wait.

Don't speak bad of me in front of the boy, okay?

You don't know what he means to me.

That woman was right.

I'm a fake, a fraud, a charlatan.

I've spent most of my life duping people out of money by pretending to offer them hope, faith, closure.

Why are you telling me this now?

Because

when that boy popped in my head, I instantly knew things about him.

I could feel his confusion, I could feel his pain, I could feel his loneliness.

And I knew I had to help him.

You accused me of stealing money from his foster mother.

I have not taken a single penny.

'Cause that boy offers something far more valuable.

He makes me believe I can be a better version of myself.

And I know if, given the opportunity, he can do the same thing for you.

I really wanna believe you right now.

Well, believe this.

If you cut me out of that boy's life, I will never help you again.

And mark my words, you're gonna need my help.

Well, I guess we'll never know.

Up, up.

Good luck, Mason.

Sorry I can't finish our quest.

I have a speech to deliver.

Okay, everything's looking great, Kelly.

Good. Just keep doing your breathing.

Great, Richard, breathing.

I wasn't listening, I'm sorry!

Okay, breathe, baby.

One, two, three, breathe.

Very good.

Doing great? Great, you're doing great!

Now we're gonna to start to push, okay?

Okay, yeah, okay, okay, okay.

No, no, no, wait, wait, wait!

Wait, wait, wait!

You have to sing the song!

What song?

Richard, tell her!

Deep Inside of You by Third Eye Blind.

Why do I have to sing that song?

'Cause that was the song that was playing when Kelly and I were making our baby.

Didn't need to know that.

No, no, but wait, wait, we promised each other that we'd sing this song during the birth.

So just sing it!

I don't know the words!

It's okay, you guys sing the chorus and I'll help you get through it.

♪ My friends say I've changed ♪

♪ I don't listen 'cause I need to be ♪

♪ Deep inside of you ♪

♪ Slide up her dress ♪

♪ Shouts in darkness ♪

♪ I'm so alive ♪

♪ And I'm deep inside of you ♪

♪ You said boy make girl feel good ♪

♪ But still, deep inside ♪

♪ Still ♪ Okay, Kelly, just one good, strong push.

Right, okay, okay.

I'm gonna push now.

Ready? Push, push!

Richard!

Hi!

Aw, Kelly, you did it!

Hi, Joanna, it's Nick.

Yeah, we had some unexpected diversions but we're on our way now.

Who's we?

That's why I'm calling you again.

I have to ask you something before we waste each other's time.

And forgive me for being blunt about this.

Did you and I have a kid together that I'm unaware of that you gave up for adoption?

So what are we doing now?

We're gonna go meet your mother.

Are you sleepy?

Look at the little hands.

Thank you for being here with me.

And thank you for singing.

I'm very sorry I did not know the words.

Was I horrible?

No, you were perfect.

She's so beautiful.

Yeah, this may prevent me from being your maid of honor on Sunday.

I'm not so sure there's gonna be a need for a maid of honor Sunday.

What?

Why, you're still gonna marry Nick, aren't you?

So he has a lot of exes.

And he lied.

And he may have some illegitimate children you don't know about but still, you two belong together.

Wait, what are you talking about?

You just spent the last 48 hours trying to convince me Nick is a monster.

What about protecting me?

Yeah.

I'm all done protecting you.

I have someone else to protect now.

I did it, baby!

I made it to the hospital, I'm here!

I'm coming!

Okay, love you.

I know!

I love you, too!

So Nick may have sowed more seed than John Deere in the past.

You are the one he chose to spend the rest of his life with.

He loves you.

And I know that you are gonna make the right decision.

Oh!

Sorry, I'm late.

Did I miss something?

You're so stupid.

Meet your daughter.

It's a girl?

Stephanie Jenkins Kowalski.

Oh!

She's totally asleep.

This is it, 305.

You ready?

I think so.

Come on then.

It's gonna be okay.

This is what you've been waiting for.

Yeah, I'm just a little nervous.

Me too.

Stand up straight.

First impressions are essential to new relationships, don't you think?

Well, it took you long enough.

Look at you, Nick.

You look like the same self-centered ass I fell for all those years ago.

You haven't changed a bit, have you?

This him?

What is his name again?

My name's Mason.

It's nice to meet you.

Mason?

Did I name you that?

What kind of name is Mason?

Like a cartoon moose or something.

You know what I mean?

I'm kidding, it's cute.

Come on in, meet your brothers and sisters.

Hey!

Mason, I don't know if you ate, hon.

We have Easy Mac or Cap'n Crunch if you want.

I'm okay, thanks.

Okay.

Hey, listen up.

This is Mason, he's your new brother.

This is Frankie, Lenny, Johnny and, Todd.

I was going to meetings when I had him, so.

So this little cutie is Rachel.

Can you say hello?

Yeah.

Where's their dad?

Lock-up, rehab, shacked up with a pole dancer in Barstow and buried in Texas.

But we don't talk about that.

Frankie, here, take your sister.

Get that crap out of your hair.

Get her a toy.

Mason, why don't you sit with the boys and watch TV while your daddy and I have a little talk, okay?

Yeah, yeah, sure.

Hey, guys.

All right, I'll take him.

You'll take him?

Yeah, that's why you came all the way here, isn't it?

Obviously you don't want him.

Well, it's not that I don't want him, I just have my reasons.

Oh, yeah, sure.

You boys always have your reasons.

Why didn't you ever tell me?

You were gone, Nick.

You disappeared on me.

No goodbye, no good luck, not even a good riddance.

I'm sorry.

Oh, no.

I'm sure you had your reasons.

I had mine.

I was young, scared, alone.

I couldn't even afford a phone.

So, you know, I gave him up.

I felt so damned guilty about it, I vowed never to give up a baby again.

You can see how well that turned out.

I'm sorry, I can't imagine how hard it would be to raise all those kids alone.

Oh, well, at least he's old enough to get a work permit.

If nothing else, he'll be another source of income.

Listen, I fully intend to contribute to his well-being so.

Yeah, oh, yeah, you will be doing that, too.

I'm sure you can afford it being you're the famous kid-hater and all that.

You should follow me around for a day.

You'd get some great material.

Seriously.

All right, I'm curious.

What are your reasons this time around?

Well, for one thing, I'm getting married on Sunday.

Congratulations.

Let me guess.

She's a total peach with a rocking body and a personality so sunny she blooms daffodils right outta her ass.

Hey.

She doesn't know about him, does she?

That's rich, man.

Nothing like starting a lifelong commitment with a big fat secret.

Good luck with that, Nick.

Mom, Lenny and Johnny are tattooing the baby again!

Oh, for Christ sake!

You little monsters!

What have I told you about drawing on the baby, huh?

This is permanent marker!

What is wrong with you two?

Everybody go to bed right now!

Well, that's another two weeks I can't take her out in public.

I know, I know, honey.

Frankie, go get the air mattress out of the shed.

I'm putting Mason in with you three.

Oh, come on!

There no room in there as it...

Hey, do not back talk me.

It's fine, I'll just sleep on the couch.

Well, thank you, Mason.

That's very helpful.

I gotta go clean her up.

Say goodbye to your father.

I'd just like to say thank you.

For what?

For keeping your promise and helping me find my mother.

You're welcome.

Listen.

Is there anything you need or, anything I can...

No, I'll be fine.

I told you, all I wanted from you was this one thing and you did it.

Now you can go off and get married.

Yeah, well, that seems kinda questionable at this point.

Why?

I thought once I was out of the way, you'd be free to get married.

Well, it seemed that way last night but this has been a very, very, very long day.

Are you all right?

What are you doing?

I'm calling on my own psychic powers to see how things turn out.

Well?

Well what?

Well, aren't you gonna tell me what's in store?

Heck, no.

That'd be cheating.

What a rip-off.


Well, I mean, this seemed like the perfect moment to say it.

You're my father.

Is there any way I could take a piece of that for the road?

When was the last time you had your radar gun calibrated for accuracy?

Are you a ninja?

I knew I had met the man of my dreams when he spoke these three precious words to me, I hate kids.

So, what is that thing anyway?

It's a fidget spinner.

It helps keep me calm.

Oh, yeah?

I could use one of those.


Hi.

Hi.

Thanks for coming by.

It was at the top of my to-do list today.

How was the lecture in Santa Barbara?

There was no lecture.

I know.

We need to have a serious...

I'm calling off the wedding, Nick.

That's what I was gonna do.

Well, it's too late, I just did it.

Yeah, I heard that.

Why were you gonna call it off?

Oh, no, you called it off first, you gotta say why first.

Well, I first considered it when I found out there wasn't a lecture in Santa Barbara or wherever.

That's what did it?

No.

And then I found this giant box of girlfriends which was horrifying.

How did you ever find time to write a book?

So that's why you're calling it off?

No.

No?

It wasn't your lying in the present and it wasn't my trolling around the past.

It's about the future.

You don't want to marry me because of something I haven't done yet?

It's not about you, Nick.

It's about me.

You don't want to marry me because of something you haven't done yet?

I've changed my mind.

I wanna have a family.

I want kids.

Nick.

You need to trust me, Sydney.

I've loved you since the first time I saw you.

I love you with every molecule of my being.

I don't wanna be without you, ever.

You believe that, right?

Yes.

Then come with me.

Where are we going?

I can't undo everything in my past but there is one thing that I can change.

Come on.

I'm gonna get you, Johnny!

Hey, hey!

Hello, Nick.

This must be daffodil.

Hi, I'm Sydney.

Please.

You forget something?

I want Mason back.

Really, what happened?

You feel guilty for a change?

What's it like for you?

Just get him.

Oh, I would love to but he's gone.

Gone?

What do you mean he's gone?

He snuck out in the middle of the night.

Just up and left.

Not a goodbye, not a good luck, not even a good riddance.

Congratulations, Nick, he turned out to be just like you after all.

Well, don't you have any idea where he is?

What do I look like a mind reader?

I'm getting an A.

A really big A.

Nick?

I know how to find him.

We, the gifted, face insurmountable odds in a world that continues to lean in favor of dark skepticism and disbelief.

For centuries, we were heralded and praised, even worshipped for our abilities.

But in these troubled times, when what we provide comfort and hope are needed the most, we are shunned, vilified, even hunted by those who cannot see past their own fears.

We all know that when things become their worst, when what is desperately sought cannot be found by traditional means, that is when skeptics bow their heads and concede to their lack of sight.

How delightful!

I just love the smell of humble pie, don't you?

At this time, Mr. Sparkles and I will be entertaining your questions.

Just step right up to the mic and ask away.

Go on, don't be skittish.

Anyone?

No one have, of course.

If you are as gifted as I am, you already know the answers, don't you?

Well, let's saunter over to the pool for the pyrokinetic meet and greet.

In response to last year's faux pas, I'm told there's much more fire extinguishers this time around.

I have a question.

Isn't it true that you're a fraud?

I beg your pardon?

Didn't you admit to me just yesterday that your entire career was forged from being an imposter?

Guards, will you escort this barbarian off the premises, please?

What are you doing?

All right then...

Sir, you need to come with us.

All right, I challenge you in front of all your peers to prove that you are not a fake!

How do you suppose I do that?

Find my son.

Right now.

You found me for him, now find him for me.

I want him in my life.

Just do it.

Do it, Fabular, come on.

I got $500 here for the first psychic that can find my son.

He's on a train to Istanbul!

He's at Delray Beach, tower 22!

He's fishing in Lake Charles, Louisiana!

He is in San Francisco at the opening of the opera.

Wait!

He's in Pismo Beach at Melvin's house!

Do you actually need to be a psychic to take a guess?

He's here.

Hi, Nick.

Hi, son.

Aw.

Hey, Mason, why would you run away?

I came to ask Fabular if I could live with him.

I don't wanna live with my mother.

She isn't very nice.

No, I think she's just not happy right now but I think there's something we can do to maybe change that.

Hi, I'm Sydney.

It's nice to officially meet you.

It's nice to meet you, Sydney.

Nick talks about you all the time.

He is definitely yours.

Hey, Fabular!

You said on the radio that Petey was on his way home to me!

But he was already dead!

You lied, you bastard!

This is for Petey!

Whoa!

Damn it!

Whoa, are you okay?

Scarecrow!

Tin Man!

My lion!

Thank you, Ernie.

I'll take my.

Is there anyone here today who knows of a reason why these two should not be joined in holy matrimony?

Good, ladies and gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure to introduce to you Mr. and Mrs. Nicholas Pearson.

Kiss the bride.

DC THE BRAIN SUPREME: Party people!

Yeah, Tag Team music in full effect!

That's me, DC the Brain Supreme and my man Steve Roll'n!


Hey, hey, hey!

Hey!

Excuse me.

Is this one of yours?

Yep, afraid so.

Here you go.

Wow, your husband's a lucky man.

I want that one.

I love kids.

Oh, there is no husband.

It's just me.

My name is Walter.

Joanna.

Joanna?

Yeah.

That's a beautiful name.


Yeah, Tag Team music comin' straight at 'cha!

That's me, DC the Brain Supreme, and my man Steve Roll'n!

Bring it back y'all, bring it back y'all and here we go!

Whoomp, there it is