I Love You, Beth Cooper (2009) Script

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GIRL [SINGING]: Forget me, you're on your way We don't have to stay in touch We may remember someday Till then it doesn't matter that much

Someday I'll have to wonder And dreams may cloud the truth But if you promise me I promise I'll never forget you Forget the tears we cried Forget the good times too Forget the pain inside RICH: You will never see her again.


Dude, after graduation, she'll be gone until like the tenth reunion...

...if you both even live that long.

And she'll be so very pregnant by then, baking someone else's DNA.

And she'll have this, like, big, pregnant cow grin on her face.

She won't even remember who you are.

Well, I sat behind her in almost every class.

Behind her. Shh.

Behind her. She never saw you, dude.

You don't give this big speech at graduation, you don't exist.

No, Denis, if you... If you don't do this... If you don't do this...

[AS HUMPHREY BOGART] "You'll regret it.

Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but soon...

...and for the rest of your life."

What are you talking about?

[IN NORMAL VOICE] Come on, it's Casablanca, 1942...

...Michael Curtiz, director.

Bogart, dude! LIBRARIAN: Shh.




Thank you, Angelica.

It's Angelica. Whatever.


Thank you for that rousing rendition of "Forget Me."

Next, and finally, your valedictorian...

...Denis Cooverman.


Today we look forward.

Look forward to getting out of here.


Heh, heh, heh.

But today, I would also like to look back...

...look back on our four years here at Buffalo Glenn High School...

...looking back not with anger...

...but with no regrets.

No regrets for what we wanted to do...

...but did not...

...what we wanted to say...

...but could not.

And so I say here today...

...the one thing I wish I had said...

...the one thing I know I will regret if I never say:

I love you, Beth Cooper.


[WHISPERING] He likes you.

I have loved you, Beth Cooper...

...since I first sat behind you in Ms. Rosa's math class in the 7th grade.


I loved you when I sat behind you in Senor Weidner's Spanish...

...and Ms. Calumet-Hobey's Literature of the Oppressed.

I loved you from behind...


...in Biology, History, and, yes, Practical Science.

I loved you, but I never told you because we never spoke.


But now I say it, with no regrets.

I love you, Beth Cooper.

And so let us all say the things that we longed to say...

...but our tongues would not.

Let us be unafraid to admit:

"I have an eating disorder, and I need help."

Let us confess:

"I'm a stuck-up bitch...

...because deep down, I believe I am worthless."

Let us declare:

"I'm a big, dumb moron.

I'm a big old asshole who beats up on other kids...

...because I was unloved as a baby...

...or was sexually abused or something.

I am sorry for the cruel swirlies...

...the pink bellies...

...the purple nurples."

And let us, no, let all of us vow:

"When I graduate, I'm not gonna keep hanging around my old high school...

...like some kind of creepy loser...

...who can't get an adult girlfriend."

You know who you are. You.


And, yes, let us not regret...

...that we never told our own best friend:

"I'm gay, dude.

I'm totally gay."

[MOUTHING] I'm not gay.


Indeed. Let us all...

Thank you, Denis.

Food for thought. Thank you.

Thank you.



MAN: Perfect.

Whoa. Oh.

It's okay. Sorry.

Sorry. MAN: All right.

Mr. Cooverman, hi. Hey! Hello.

I've never known you to do anything so reckless...

...really at all reckless.

Well, thank you.

Uh, no. That is not what I would expect...

...from somebody who is going to Stanford.

You know one call from me...

...and you could be going to Harper Community College.

That would be unimaginable. You can't...

Look, I don't know why I did th... Who was that?

That wasn't me. I was under an influence.

Are you drunk? What?

I just meant my thinking had been compromised.

Look, Rich told me if... Rich Munsch?


I wouldn't take heterosexual advice from Rich Munsch.

But he was right.

I mean, I had to do something.

I'm not there in her brain. She will have no memory of me.


So? Come on, Dr. Gleason, haven't you ever been in love?


MAN: Your nipples are so weird.

Denis, there's another Beth Cooper out there.

One just for you.

You embarrassed me.


But it was so sweet, I'll have to let you live.


Well, that's good. Because I like to live.

Is it like 800 degrees in there, like boiling?

Actually, the boiling point of water is 212 degrees Fahrenheit...

...100 degrees Celsius.

I am so hot.

I can imagine...

...that you're hot.

Hey. So I'm not gay, dude.

Rich, hi.

Hello, hi, hey. Hi.

I didn't realize there was a line here.

No, no, that's okay. I gotta go.

Halt! I mean, wait.

There's a little soirée at my house tonight.

Course that's redundant...

...I don't know what I'm talking about.

No, a party. More of a party than a French thing. Music, drinks, prizes.


Sounds fun. It is fun, will be, in the future.

And goddamn it, you're invited, officially.



6337 Hackberry Drive...

...ZIP's 98401, if you’re Mapquesting.

Well, maybe we could stop by.

Cool, or not, whatever.

I mean, you come, you come. If you don't, you don't.

You humiliated me and insulted her.

Are you prepared to die?



You must be Beth Cooper's boyfriend.

I have to go to the bathroom.



I'm gonna give you ten seconds to convince me why I should let you live.

I think you mean "persuade," not "convince."

Is there a problem here?

No, ma'am.

My hand, it just slipped.

You know I can't allow you to kill him on school property?

Yes, ma'am.


BETH: Baby. Not nice.

You okay? Great, yeah.

Okay. You know, on the bright side, Beth Cooper talked to you.

GIRL 1: Whoo! GIRL 2: Let's go!

GIRL 3: School's out! We did it! We did it! Party!

Ooh. That can't be good.


MAN: Losers!

All right, keep in touch.

So, look, I'm not gay, you know, so... Yeah.

Okay, yeah.

No, I mean, it's cool if you are, too, really.

Really, I'm not. No soyhomo.

All right. That's awesome.

What makes you think I'm gay?


I don't know... Everybody thinks you're gay, Rich.

Well, they don't know me. You know me.

What makes you think I'm gay?


Okay, I got an idea.

I'm Robin Hood. You're Friar Tuck.

We get your dad's camcorder and we do a shot-for-shot re-creation...

...of their climactic sword fight...

...using our boners. Ha.

Nothing in particular, I guess.

Well, I mean, is it because of Drama Club?

Because, you know, a lot of professional actors aren't gay.

More than half.

Rich, it’s just that all through high school and even before...

...you never really had a girlfriend.

Neither did you. I tried.

Oh, ha, ha, ha. Patty Keck?

Her, yes. Your secret shame.

My point is... I had one.

Just so you know, making out with a girl like that...

I'm not sure that's not gay.


What is this? Give me it. Let go of it. I wanna see.

No. Wow.


That's awesome. IPod. It's silly.

No, that's really nice. That's great.

Yeah, my mom and dad gave it...

Dude, you know what I got for graduation?

No. A bill.

Yeah, my dad says I owe him 233,850 bucks.

A quarter of a million dollars?

And then they expect you to buy your own shoes.

Yeah. Well, no, that includes 50 grand for "wear and tear" on my mother.

She is pretty worn and torn, you know.


Well, in any case, I'm sorry your dad's such a dick.

And it was completely itemized, very detailed.

Who knew he was paying attention?

Day-oh. Hey.

Check out the new kicks. Oh, cool.

Two paychecks. Very Gene Kelly, circa 1945, don't you think?

Yeah. They're nice. Dude.

Don't be so nervous. She's not gonna come.

I'm not nervous, I'm particular. There's a difference.

You know what, they can smell fear.

No, they can't. I can smell it.

Ooh. Ooh.

Fear. Mm.

You know, puberty has done nothing but screw me.

Dude, what are you doing?

I'm airing out my shirt.

What? Come on.

I don't want a stinky shirt.

Dude. Ha, ha, ha.

DENIS: Why are you laughing? This is how you do this.

Hey. Mom, Dad.

Well, it looks like this party's well underway.

Hola, Mrs. C.

Rich, don't call me Mrs. C, I mean it.

Now get off the counter. Oh.

Denis Petey Cooverman, look at you.

You look so cute.

Super cute.

She doesn't mean that.

You look good. You look cool.


You just might want to lower the waist of those pants a little bit.

Oh, you're not wearing those awful underpants.

DENIS: Mom. God.

COOVERMAN: I gotta go along with your mom...

...on the lucky underpants, buddy. What if you do get lucky?

Once she gets to the underpants, they're a deal breaker.

RICH: They are not nice underpants.

He is not wearing those ratty things, and he's not getting lucky.

Not on my watch.

So, how many people are you expecting at this shin-dizzle?

Oh, not too many. None.

Well, it wouldn’t be a celebration without champagne.

Oh. Oh, ho, ho. That is negligent.

My dad used to give me an occasional beer...

...but that was just to get me to take a nap.

Well, one glass per guest. And no one who drinks, drives.

And I know exactly how many bottles are in the wine rack: 23.

Here's all of our numbers. Lfan...

If anybody's dead or on fire, call 911 first.


What's the matter? Bad advice?

I have to get my purse. I'll meet you out front.

Honey, have fun. DENIS: Okay.

Not too much fun.

Not much danger of that, Mrs. C.

Bye, Mom! Bye, honey.

Denis, let me talk to you.

Okay, look. This is your last summer before college.

That accelerated medical program...

...isn't gonna leave time for parties...

...so I want you to enjoy this summer.

Okay, yeah, sure, no, I'll try.

Get out there!

Do all those teen things you haven't had a chance to do.

That's gonna be hard. He hasn't done any of them.

You know, this whole teenager coming-of-age thing, I mean...

...it's a relatively new construct.

They came up with it in the Fifties, so...

It's okay just to have fun sometimes.

Sometimes you just have to say, "What the F."

Curtis Armstrong, Risky Business, 1983, Paul Brickman.

Except he didn't say "F," he said "Fuck."


You know what I mean. Carpe diem.

DENIS: I didn't know you were such a movie buff, Mr. C.

Robin Williams in Dead Poets Society.

Yes, thank you. Thank you, Rich. We know. It's good.

Come here, please.

There are condoms in my bedside table.

Do you, like, know exactly how many there are?

They are not toys.

Yeah. Sure.

I think my dad wants us to have sex.

With each other? No.


She should really be here by now.

So your parents use condoms?

Not a topic for discussion. Ever.

Okay. No, it's okay. I won't.

I just, yeah, I mean, what, do you think they're lubed? Or...


Go, go, go!

It's the trinity.


So where's our boy in uniform?

He's on our shit list.

One of his army buddies was getting all date-rapey with Treece.

Oh. Oh.

So, where's the party?

This is it. Here, this location.


Come on in.

Warning, roof may be blown off due to excessive partying.

Well, go ahead, princess.

Come on up. Yeah.

Watch your step.

Now entering the party pod, captain.


Are we the first ones here?

Yeah, we are never first.

I've never been in this house before.

La fiesta esthis way, mi bonitas.

Por favor, sweet and salty comidas for your comesting.

Everything's organic. The pretzels are fat free.

Are you calling me fat?


No. Not... No.

Hey, come on, you, fat? Why would he say that? He's not retarded.

My brother's retarded.



DENIS: That's... That was... That's cold.

You probably don't even have a brother.

No, he, uh... He died.


Yeah, that was really... You got me, that was...

I'm so sorry.

It was a long time ago, but thanks.



What do you want, Kevin?

I need beer.

Heh, heh. Yeah, you do. Uh...

Donde esta la beer, Coovemaster?

My dad doesn't drink beer.

We have champagne.

Ooh. Okay.

Champagne. Bubbly goodness. Uh...

This is Cristal. It's the drink of the pimps.

"The pimps?" Mm-hm.

What do you know about pimps?

Nothing, really.

Mm. Cristal seems to have changed its logo and spelling.

Champagne makes me do... things.

Girl, water makes you do things.

Not regular water.

Ha, ha. Oh, yeah, okay. I, uh...


BETH: I told you.

No, I don't.

No! No, you can't come here.

Yeah, well...


I'm busy right now, Kevin.

I want some of that.

No, I will not tell you where I am or who I'm with...

...but I will tell you this, Kevin, I'm drinking champagne.

Yep. And it is coming right...

Aah! Oh. God. Oh.

It's okay. Oh.

BETH: Oh, nothing. DENIS: Yeah.

Pfft. Heh.

I'll get this off here.

Would you hurry up?

Yeah, I'm sorry. It's just...

The internal pressure is 90 pounds per square inch...

...so I don't really know what the problem...

Don't you dare GPS me. Oh, please.



Are you okay? DENIS: Yeah, I'm great.

I need ice!

Okay, let's see.

Frozen peas.

Really? Okay.

And frozen peas.

Frozen peas. Frozen peas.

Anything cold.

Okay, here. Something cold.

Here, come here.

Okay, here we go.

I'm sorry I'm so pathetic.

Let me tell you something:

All boys are pathetic.

Well, then I apologize on behalf of all boys.

And sorry for all the wars and stuff.

You're funny.

How does that feel?


Pretty good, I guess.



Did you hurt your back?

Oh. Hee, hee.

Yeah, I hurt my back.

Ah. Ooh!


Party balloons.

Those aren't party balloons. I know what they are.

So, is this what you had planned for tonight?

No, those are my dad's.

Your dad's not hiding in the closet or something?

Oh, I hate that.

This was fun.

DENIS: No, come on. Stick around. Okay, no, you can't go.

No, wait, wait, wait.

I mean, we've still got wine to drink. 23 bottles.

Oh, wine reminds me of Jesus.

You know what, Denis, we really do have to go.

This was a great party, though.


Oh, shit, Kevin.

He triangulated your cell phone.



We're gonna need more waffles.

Sean, you naughty boy.

No, no, no, no.

Nobody move. Why?

Because he is going to kill me.

The most he's gonna do is beat you up a little.

Lisbee! Lisbee, open this door!

The windows! Secure the windows!


Get out here!

Is he always like this?

This is new behavior, but not surprising.

He's kind of cute.

Kind of.


Oh, my God.

Don't be afraid, I can handle this.

I wasn't afraid.

Why would you think I was afraid?

Congratulations, you found me.

Interesting situation we have here.

Have you been doing coke?

KEVIN: Not now, Lisbee.

He's coked up?

That is not one of the good drugs.

Hey! Aunt Brenda gave us that!

Prepare to die.

Okay, that's Mandy Patinkin in The Princess Bride, Rob Reiner, 1987.

Also the same line was used by Emperor Zurg...

BETH: Oh, my God!


BETH: Stop it! Stop!

Now, this is willful damage to property!

That's a legal term!


Kevin, stop!

Hey, hey, hey.

No, Denis! Have you ever seen any of the Friday The 13ths?

You run upstairs, you die!

A weapon, we need a weapon.

RICH: Oh, my God. Find weapons. Aah!


RICH: Denis!

I know what you're thinking.

And, yes, this is a polycarbonate blade.


I took some workshops at the Star Wars convention.

Dr. McCoy.

That used to be a person, so you show some respect!

Rich, I need your help. Come out of the closet!


Uh, uh, okay.


Go, get out of here!


Weird. DENIS: Rich?

RICH: Yeah? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, Denis?

Over here, over here. Are you okay?

Yeah, I'm coming. I'm fine.

Rich, what are you doing?

I think I've made a terrible decision.

At which point did you think that was a good decision?

Yeah, no, no, no, I d...



KEVIN: Denis?


Are you okay?

I'm paralyzed. I'm a paralyzed virgin.

You'll be okay.

Quadriplegics can have sex.

I saw a documentary about it once on public television.

Let's go. Come on.

Yeah. Okay.

KEVIN: Sean, Dustin, come on!

Go, go, go!


They're like cyborgs.


Rich! Rich! Rich!


Why did you do that? I thought you were smart.

I was smart.

Oh, my God. Get him in the car.

Come on. Are you okay?

TREECE: Oh, my gosh.

Wait, Rich.



Lisbee! Stop the car.

Hey! Come back here!

Call me when you're sober!


Are you okay? Yeah, no, I'm fi...

No blood.

Beth, we got away, so you can stop escaping now if you want to.

She always drives like this.

I was in Driver's Ed with her.

You could slow down.

We're gonna try to watch the cones.

We're gonna watch the road.

Oh! L... Oh.

Not good, not good. Oh!

I'm gonna need you to pull over.

BETH: Oh, shit!


Great, you just killed everybody in the car.

I'm, like, the least notable person in this car.

When we all die, I'll be referred to as fifth student.

So, Beth, uh...

...I just wanna say thanks for rescuing me...

...back there after you hit me with your car.

That was pretty cool.

No, you ran into my car.

And I'm not rescuing you. Kevin is heavily medicated right now.

Cocaine, speed, roid rage, and he can't have another incident.

He'll get court-martialed for sure.

Sure, yeah.

Do you remember the specifics of his last incident?

Whoa. Whoa. Whoa!


BETH: Stupid drivers.

Could I borrow your cell phone? I left mine back at the house.

Thank you very much. I'll just...



Honey. Honey, you're vibrating. You bet I am.

No, honey, honey, it could be Denis.

I don't recognize the number. Do you?

Sorry. No.

Must be a telemarketer.



Oh, Mr. Cooverman.

Hey, Mom, Dad, it...

Hi, Mrs. C. TREECE & CAMMY: Hi, Mrs. C!

Yeah, that was just Rich...

...and we're okay.

And I can explain the kitchen later.

If you need to reach me, you can reach me at...

Beth, I'm sorry, can I get your cell phone number?

Shit, my phone!

Kevin's probably tracking it.

Aah. GPS that, asshole!




MAN [ON RADIO]: I rebuke you in the name of Jesus.

Ugh. Radio sucks.

Actually, why don't you tune that to 87.1?

Cooked up a little commencement mix that I think all of you will enjoy.

DJ C's slamming graduation. What!


[SINGING] Well, we got no choice All the girls and boys Makin' all that noise BOTH [SINGING]: 'Cause they found new toys ALL [SINGING]: Well, we can't salute you Can't find a flag If that don't suit you That's a drag School's out for summer

School's out forever Ever.

School's been blown to pieces Yeah.

I love this song. Who wouldn't want to blow up their school?


Crack him like a walnut.



Let's get some beer.

So, uh, I think I was knocked out back there momentarily...

...because I definitely wasn't, uh, you know, looking or anything.

Yuck. What?

Maybe we should get you some Band-Aids or cream or something.

Oh, no. No, no, no, I'm... I'm...

Wow, your eyes aren't blue.

My eyes?

Yeah, there's like some green in there and then...

...on the pupil, there's like a hazel starburst sort of thing going on.

Uh, my grandma used to call them a real dog's breakfast.

Lucky dog.

So, what kind of beer do you like?

What kind? All kinds.

I'm a maniac for the brewdog.

Chips, chips, chips.

Got it? Yep, I got it.

Suzy Q's, yum.

My mom says yum.


Not like that, that's...

Got it? Yep, good.

BETH: Hi. Hey.

BETH: How are you? Really good.

There you go.

What's with your boyfriend?

Oh, he's my little brother.

What happened to his face?

Dad beats him.

Sorry I asked.

Oh, uh... Heh, heh.

I'm gonna need to see some ID.

Of course.

Here you go.

Wow. You've lost weight, Patricia.

You certainly don't look 37.

Well, thank you.

So that's $15.42, without the beer.

Come on. It's graduation night.

Oh, well, "congradulations."


You seem like a cool guy, Sam.

Come on. Be cool.

Look, I could lose my shitty job.

How about I kiss you so hard, every time you think about it...

...you'll have to change your underwear?

We got beer. Whoo!

So that was weird what you did in there, to him.

What happened?

I sucked his face for like two seconds.

RICH: Sucked his face?

Purell me.


That was a big sacrifice.

I couldn't have done it. I mean, before drinking the beer.

I'd do two seconds.

What? It isn't gay. It isn't gay.

It isn't gay. It's not gay.

It's within the three-second rule.

That's for food dropped on the floor.

Yeah, uh, whatever.

She's not Beth Cooper.





It's Jack Nicholson, Easy Rider, 1969, directed by Dennis Hopper.

Something is really wrong with you.


To old D.H. Lawrence.

BETH: Hey.






Are you okay? I'm sorry.

Is that your tooth?

It was deciduous.

You still have baby teeth?

Only three.

Now... two.

I have two. For your pillow.

Thank you.


How did that get on there? I don't... I didn't even put...

Rich, did you put this on?

Leave it.

I have to pee.

Me too.

Ah. Me trice.

You know, I was named after this song.

You were named after a Kiss song?


My parents were headbangers.

Whoa. Still kind of are.

Beth Cooper's parents. Taking in a Kiss show.

Oh, man. That is so... cool.

It's cool.

You got headbangers parents. That's awesome.


Why are we walking?

When I get my own car, I am never walking anywhere again.

My dad was gonna give me his old car...

...but then my stepmom bitch Tricia crashed hers.

Well, that's what you get for splitting your parents up.

Mean, mean!

Never admit your innermost fears to Cammy.

Oh, my God.

What? Cows.

Let's tip one.

What, isn't that like an urban legend?

Why don't you go find out?

Me? It was your idea.

You're the guy.

More or less.

TREECE: Go, go, go.

RICH: Okay, that's really nice. Okay. TREECE: Ew. Ew. Ew.


Shh. Could you just: Shh.

This is the one. Go. Shut up.

Hey, okay. TREECE: Ew. Okay.


Whoa. What's that kind of...? That's like a noise.

It's a moo, okay? Push it.

Where? In the middle.

Okay, push.

Oh, shit.


Do not laugh.

So, what are you thinking?


So, what are you doing after graduation?

I was gonna...

They got this, like, pre-med med-school thing at Stanford and...

Good luck with that.

So, what are your plans?

I don't know. Maybe go to old Harpers Community College.


Yeah, no, cool.

They got a lot of good credit courses.

Maybe. If I can afford it.

So I'm not Beth Cooper, huh?

You heard that?

Look, what I only meant was, you didn't seem like...

The Beth Cooper over your bed?

Right. Her.

She would never hook up with some loser for a 12-pack.

No, she wouldn't.

And you don't have to.

You're better than that.


That's it. I'm done.

I'm going back. Thank you.

You're welcome.

Bye, cow!


What's that sound?


Cows. Aah!



What the hell was that?

Uh, sounded like a cow.

No, that was no standard cow.

Denis Cooverman. Are you afraid of cows?

Vaccaphobic? Course not.


DENIS: Whoa, whoa, whoa.

What the hell? What happened?

TREECE: God, it's so funny!

A cow bit me!

No, cows can't bite.

Well, this one sure as shit could.

No, no, no, cows don't bite.

We all know that they lack upper incisors.

You're useful.

What is that smell?

He pooped his shoes.


Lose the shoes. I paid for these shoes.

Uh, you're not getting in my car with those shoes on.

They go, with you in them or not.

You pooped your shoes.

Lights out.




To the future! Whoo!


Turn the headlights on now! Please, please, please!


There, you happy?




Sorry, I was unaware I was emitting that.

RICH: Mr. And Mrs. C? BETH: Who?

My mom and dad.

Could be worse. Could not be your mom.

Well, thank you all for a lovely evening...

...but now I must die.

You do not wanna talk to your dad when he has his pants down.


Goddamn kids!

VALET: Jeez!


Thank you.

Shit my panties.

This is Valli Wooley's house. We can't go in here.

Because you called her a stuck-up bitch...

...in front of the whole school?

Don't worry...

...she's usually upstairs with a guy by now.

If she gives you shit, go for her throat.

She'll be protecting her nose.

Her nose was a graduation present.

CAMMY: Bitch.


Ew. Don't say hi to her. Ew.

Drinks by the pool!




Hey, what is that? It's nice. Is it salmon-colored?


Your party was better.


I'm gonna go find a bathroom.


Don't move.

All right, yes, fine, all right.

Oh, Greg.

Well, if anybody's gonna kill me tonight...

...it should be you, you deserve it.

You've earned it.

How did you know?

How did you?


Did I do that?

This? No, it's not one of yours.

It was an accident.

You know, sometimes, I don't even remember doing it.

I just black out.

I'd have that looked at, Greg.


Maybe I could call you sometime? We could talk about it?


Maybe a trained professional would be better.

I'm just thinking aloud here.

But can I get a hug? I mean, hugs are good.

You do what you need to do, Greg.

All right.

[SINGING] Forget the tears we've cried Forget the good times too

BOTH: Forget the pain inside

I will be there waiting for you GREG: Thanks, Denis. Thanks a lot. Thanks.



RICH: Le Coove! Here. Thank you.

RICH: Check it out. Coach Raupp.


It's always the gym teachers.

You know they call us Dick Munch and the Penis?


I mean, like, together, like we're like the gaynamic duo or something.

Where's Beth? Wherever.

I told you that speech was a good idea.

What are you talking about?

What about what's happened tonight could be construed as good?

Closure. If you didn't give that speech...

...you'd never know what a scary wack job Beth Cooper was.

No other girl would ever live up to her mythic proportions.

She's not a scary wack job. She's not a wack job.

Dude, don't backpedal, you know. Onwards!


Your new hopeless obsession might be at this very party.


Oh, secret shame.

This is so great.

I didn't expect to see you here.


I loved your speech. You said some very perceptive things.

Richard, do you know Victoria?

Yes, certainamente. You, uh, lost weight, Tori.

You're not wearing shoes.

Nobody wears shoes anymore.

PATTY: Denny, what happened to your poor face?

Greg Saloga beat you up, I bet.

Or Valli Wooley, she paid someone to beat you up?

No, the Coove had a little dust-up with Beth Cooper's boyfriend.

Beth Cooper? RICH: Yeah, ex-boyfriend actually.

Army, dark ops, couldn't stand the idea of the Coove here and Beth...

...so it went to blows.

I mean, you think this is bad, you should see the other guy.

DENIS: Yeah, I mean, I feel bad for him.

He's in the hospital, all beaten up and shit.

To tell you the truth, I just hope he's okay.

Me too.

Actually, he's upstairs.

Um, whoa, uh...

Right, look at the time here.

My female fiancée's getting off her shift at Hooters, so...

Wow, you know, but this has been a pleasure, ladies, so...

Good luck! It was nice seeing you!



Where are you going? We gotta get out of here.

VALLl: Asshole!

What are you doing here?



So we meet again.

Really? Ernst Blofeld in just like every Bond movie. Oh, okay.

Kevin, just stop.

Get out of here.

And get yourself tested for gonorrhea.

Why don't you get that tight, pretty butt of yours in my vehicle, all right?

Move out!

CAMMY: Are you okay?

Stay here.

KEVIN: Clear out!



I am not your plaything!

No, no, come on! Come on, people! Are you just gonna let him murder me?

VALLl: Wait!


I am not worthless, okay?

Look at this party. Look at all my friends.

Cause brain damage.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Thank God, Coach Raupp.


Some ground rules.

You're not gonna stop it? Look, all I want is a fair fight.

Fair fight? Look at his arms, they're like redwoods.

RAUPP: Yeah. Aren't they great?

Okay. Pretty simple.

No biting, scratching, hair-pulling. None of that sissy stuff, okay?

Headbutt? Definitely.

And remember, once your opponent loses consciousness...

...the beating is over.




Cooverman, Bison pride.

No, I'm not gonna fight him.

Don't be such a pussy, pussy. Come on.

Look, Kevin, you've won, okay?

You got the girl...

...you've humiliated me in front of all my peers.

I apologize and surrender unconditionally.



PATTY: Denny, your face.

Wow. Ha, ha. Oh, man! That was great.

Are you okay?

Get up!

You can take him. No, no.

You can do this.

Get up! Come on.


Leave my friend alone!


Let's get him.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Timeout, Salo...

That all you got, son, huh?

Now, Denis, where were we?


[OVER PA] Denis Cooverman.

Come on.

KEVIN: Where do you think you're going?

BETH: Okay, time to get in the car! Get in the car.

Denis! Come on.

VALET: Watch it!


Do you know how many laws you just broke?

Grand theft auto, criminal destruction of property...

...assault with a deadly weapon, aggravated battery...

...leaving the scene of an accident, speeding, and now failure to stop!

That's seven, at least! That's a new record!

I don't think that's a record.

DENIS: I think you should pull over.

Pull over, Beth. Ha.

Hey, how about this? How about:

"Thank you. Thank you, Beth, for saving my life again?"

Saving my life? Saving my...?

You're the one who almost ran over me with a military vehicle...

...owned by some homicidal rage ape you call a boyfriend...

...who's been trying to kill me all night!

You're spitting your blood at me! Pbbt.

You're supposed to keep your bodily fluids to yourself.

You know what? This is not fun anymore.

Who said it's supposed to be fun?

Everybody out.

Uh-uh. No, no, no. What are we doing here?

I have a key to the school.

You have a key to the school.

Head cheerleader is a position of trust and responsibility.

Heh, heh. Fools. Ha, ha, ha.

Come on, Denis. This is the least illegal thing we've done all night.

Sit. You'll enjoy it.

Ready, girls? Yes.

[CHANTING] Five, six, seven, eight!

Are you ready? Ready for the best B-G, number one Oh, yeah, nothing less Five, six, seven, eight!

We're going to the top We can't be stopped Come on, girls Yell yellow!


GROUP: Yell blue!


GROUP: Mighty Bisons Oh, yeah, let's fight Ready and slow it down.

Can you feel it? What? Can you feel the heat?

Yellow and blue Oh, yeah, how sweet Ready and last time With spirit and spark We steal the show Mighty Bisons, kiss, kiss Gotta go!



Let's hit the showers.

Showers! Showers! Yay!

BETH: Let's go! Come on, hurry! TREECE: Showers!


They're hitting the showers. Yeah.

Come on!

L... l... I'd love to. I just, um...

I don't think we were invited. Uh, I'm pretty sure we were.

You know, Rich...

...you don't have to prove anything.



BETH: Some woman.

Oh, yeah.

I said yes, immediately. I was like...

Sorry. BETH: Denis.

Don't be shy.




TREECE: Hey, space boy. Come get wet.


That invitation good enough for you?

I just don't think we should be...

Stop! Stop thinking with your brain, dude.

I don't wanna ruin anything. There's nothing left to ruin!

You know, except maybe this.

And this, my friend, is a rare occasion.

Chances like this don't come along every day.

In fact, they never come along.

This does not happen!

TREECE: Are you guys coming?

"Carpe diem. Seize the day, boys. Make your lives extraordinary."

Robin Williams, and your dad.

I'm just trying to make it through the night alive, okay?

You're not alive unless you're living.

Who said that?

I think I did.

"Here's Johnny!"



Carpe diem.



Gotta tell you, you're in for a treat.

Been reading a few of my mom's ladies magazines...

...and they've got a couple secrets on how to ultimately pleasure you.


How did you find us?! LoJack, dipshit.

RICH: Man of war!

Taste my wet blade.


BETH: Come on! Get your stuff! RICH: Go!

DENIS: Are you sure? I can handle these three.

I've been preparing for this all my life.

Help! Help!


BOY: Come on, let's get out of here.

Never again.


Come on, hurry up! I'm trying, stop moving!

BETH: What happened to your pants?

Your boyfriend has them.

Okay, we gotta go, come on. Get your stuff!

Come on, come on, come on!

Aw, how sweet. Kevin brought back my car.

Come on!

DENIS: Hey, what about Rich?


Yah! Is that all you've got?

Oh. Oh, one more?

Ha, ha, ha. Classic.


Guys! DENIS: Rich!

Rich, I got your clothes. Hurry up.

Yah! TREECE: Come on, come on, come on!

Okay, go, go.


Goddamn truck drivers.

Where are we going?

We can go to my dad's cabin.

I can go there anytime I want as long as I don't tell Mom where it is.

You know what, I just, um... I wanna go home.

You know, you're the one who started this.


Yeah, you.

You're the geek who, in front of the entire school, our friends and family...

...declared your love for someone you don't know a thing about.

He knows a lot about you. Quiz him.

He knows your locker combo. He knows your favorite antiperspirant.

He knows your blood type.

Okay, I hate to remind you this, Beth, but you said it was sweet.

You did. Oh, my God, and you came to my house.

If you didn't think it was sweet, why would you come to my house?

What do you think, super genius?

We thought it would be funny.

Oh. Okay.

Are you just gonna keep bleeding? Yeah, for about three days.

Just put your head back.

Now it's dripping down my throat. Here.

Stick these up there. They're super absorbent.

Listen, about what Cammy said before.

She thought it would be funny.

I mean, we all thought it would be a fun thing to do.

Guess I did think it would be a little funny.

I'm sorry.

Guys tell me they love me all the time.

And it's usually because they want something.

Well, it was kind of funny, right?

Ha, ha, ha.


Please, take those out now. Your wish.



BETH: Can I say something personal?


You smell like a dead homeless guy.


Yeah, it's probably my shirt. There's hummus.

Take it off.

Oh, no, I can leave it on, it's fine.

I'm not gonna molest you. Take it off.

Take it off, take it off.

Let me just air it out a little.

Oh, shit!


BETH: Sorry.

Okay, it was somewhere around here. You can stop.


Oh, my God. What?

Really? Dude.

I think those are his lucky underpants.

Give me my poncho.

Give me my poncho. RICH: Oh, my God.

What are you doing? You're so mean.

RICH: What?

DENIS: Actually, I got these as a gag gift...

...so it's appropriate that you're laughing.

No, it's good, I'm happy that you're... You guys got the joke! Good one.

Get in here. No, purple's not really my color.

It's fuchsia and it's my favorite color. Sorry.

That's fine. Okay.

There we go. All better.

How do I look? Good? Great.

Ha, ha, ha. That pink poncho's sort of cute.


Goddamn Kevin.

Because of you I am in the middle of nowhere looking for a shirt.

Oh, yeah, no, goddamn that Kevin.

Why do you even go out with him, anyway?

In the beginning, he was sweet. He made me laugh.

And when he smiled... He was really hot.

I don't know.

Guess it was the way other girls looked at me when I was with him.

I felt proud.

Thought I was the lucky girl this big, strong Army guy chose.

It didn't bother you that he was an a...?

An asshole?


I just made excuses for him because...

...it was nice to feel wanted.

See, I don't get that...

...because there are so many guys who would love to be with you.

Yeah. For a night, maybe.

So why did you do it? The speech?

I don't know.

It's just...

You're the head cheerleader...

...and I'm the captain of the debate team.

And I know it's ridiculous to think that you and me would even...

I guess I just wanted to talk to you.

And I never did, and then I realized...

...that was my last chance, you know?

Well, I'm glad you did.

Look! Your shirt.

Oh, uh, um...



Hi! Oh, you're so cute! Hi, little fella.

Hey, no. No, that's not food. BETH: Hi, cutie!

That's my shirt. Okay, so just, uh...



DENIS: He looked at me!

He looked right at me! He's gonna eat me!

BETH: Whoo! Party!


Smells like death in here.

My dad just bought all this stuff. He's never killed anything.

They are kind of cute, huh? Rawr.

Dude, you look ridiculous.

Well, what am I supposed to do? I don't...

Treece, darling... would you get this lovely lady something to wear?

Yeah, try the bedroom.

Okay, who wants a drink?

I do, please. I want one.

[IN RUSSIAN ACCENT] Vodka! Hee, hee.

[IN NORMAL VOICE] Okay, a toast.

You know what's weird? I didn't give this to him.

Anyway, to the world's greatest night.

Yeah. Whoo!


Wow. BETH: Look, it's almost morning.

Does anyone wanna come watch the sunrise with me?




Hey, can I ask you something?


It's about your brother.

What about him?

What was his name?


What was he like?

He was already sick when I was born.

Died when I was 2. He was 12.

I don't remember him at all.

There's this picture of me visiting him at the hospital...

...and it's like he's just some sick kid.

It's the big, dramatic tragedy of my life, and I wasn't even there.

DENIS: Yeah, but you were there.

I mean, maybe you don't remember...

...but I'll bet it meant a lot to him.

BETH: Thank you. That was very sweet.

"Say hello to my little friend!"

Ha, ha, ha. Wow.


Scarface. Pacino, '82, De Palma.


"Fill your hands, you son of a bitch!"




It's John Wayne. It's John Wayne, 1969, True Grit.

Oh, my God! I peed, I peed, I peed!


No, it's not... It's not that funny.

No, it is, because you...

Why, because you think I'm gay?

You think incorrectly.

The lady doth protest too much, methinks.


Like you know Shakespeare.

Queen Gertrude to Hamlet, Act III, Scene 2...

...1602, William Shakespeare, or possibly Edward de Vere.


That's... Wow.


BETH: Wow, look at the sun.

It's so big and pretty.

Well, that's an optical illusion.

There are certain things that appear larger...

...in context to the objects around them.

You know everything, Denis Cooverman.

No, no, not everything. There are some things I don't know.

Multiple things.

Well, I'll tell you one thing you know nothing about.

When a girl says the sunrise is big or pretty...

...you know what you say?

Not what I said, presumably?

You don't say anything.

You just put your arm around her.

You know, just something for future reference.

For future reference, I'll remember that.

If you're not gay, why so unchubby in the shower?

Heh, heh, l... I was just being cool.

It was uncool of you to notice.

No 18-year-old boy is that cool.

I am that cool.

Nobody cares if you're gay.

I'm not.

Nobody cares, so just be gay already!

You, Richard Munsch, have never been with a woman.

Never been with one.





TREECE: And learn.

That's nice, it's nice. Yeah.

You cool? Uh...

Long as everyone else is cool.

Hey, there is my chest hair.

Yeah, I'm liking that. I am, uh...


Yeah, definitely reacted to that.


Hey, this is, wow, great, you know, really top-notch...

...but I left my latex sheaths back at the house, so...

That's okay.

Treece's got some, don't you, Treece?

I've got gobs.


Well, that was expedient.

But at least we know you're not gay.

Yeah, tell that to my dad. What's his number?

So do you still love me?


Am I everything you've ever masturbated to?

No, it's not like that with you.

I mean, you're different than I imagined.

You're real.

And scary.


And exciting and fun.

But I thought you said this wasn't fun.

All my memories from high school are from tonight.

You gotta get out more often.

Yeah. Yeah.

Where are you going to college?


What are you majoring in? Acting.

Shut up. Shut up! Mm-hm. Yeah.

Me too. Really?

Yeah, and directing. Wow.

If you wanna be an actress, why weren't you in Drama Club?

Social survival. That's a good call.


So who is your favorite director?

Hello, it was a threesome.


I know high school wasn't great for you.

No, it was...

...completely awful.

You see, the thing is, high school was great for me.

I had a great, great ride.

And now it's over.

You, you're gonna go off and become a doctor...

...and cure cancer or whatever new diseases there are.

But this?

This is about it for me.

Everything in my life from here on out is just gonna be...



That's such...



Because the Beth Cooper I know?

The one that I now know...

...is the most alive person I've ever met.

The Beth Cooper I know...

...she's not gonna have an ordinary life.

She's gonna have an amazing life.

Slightly insane...

...but never uninteresting...

...always ass-kicking...


How do you know that?

Because I'm a very smart guy.

All right, thank you very much.

Any luck?

No, they can't send anyone out till next week.

Explain this to me:

How do you put a microwave into the wall?

God only knows.

Oh, hi. I need to get my kitchen repaired.

COOVERMAN: Haven't I seen that car before?


Denis! What happened to you?

I'm okay. I'm okay.

I can't talk about this. I'm gonna go make pancakes.

Or did she already make you breakfast?



I talked to your dad, Rich. Yeah?

You might wanna hang out here for the rest of the day.

Okay. COOVERMAN: And tomorrow.

Okay. You know, just until it's safe.

Got it. Thanks.

I hope you had fun. I did.

You know we have to punish you, somehow?

Yeah. Figured that.

What do they do these days? Do they still ground you?

I don't even know. I don't know either.


...whatever it is, it was worth it.

Let's not tell your mother that.


We can discuss it inside. Okay.


Good luck with Stanford and everything.

Yeah. You know, you too, with everything.

We should do this again sometime.


Yeah, sure.

You're getting better at that.

I was bad before?


Thank you...

...for loving me.

What's not to love?

You remember that.

Hey, Beth.

See you at the reunion. Yes.

If we're both still single, I'll marry you.

That's a promise.

RICH: My lady.

DENIS: Drive safe.

So guess what? Hm?

I think I'm gay.


Oh, that's great, congratulations!

Dude. I'm not gay for you.

Yeah, no, I know.

You know, I could be bi. DENIS: Bi?

RICH: I was with two gorgeous ladies last night.

That's a lot more heterosexual than you.

DENIS: Well, hey, I did kiss Beth Cooper.

RICH: Now you gotta take it to the next level.

DENIS: I will. I'm not really gonna wait for the reunion.

I'll leave a message on Facebook, ask her out.

RICH: No, it has to be a grand gesture.

DENIS: Like what? RICH: You know where she lives.

Go to her house, bring a boom box, wait for her.

DENIS: That's stalking, Rich.

RICH: No, it's not stalking if you love the person.

Grab her and take her someplace where it can be just the two of you.

DENIS: Now, that's kidnapping.

RICH: It's romantic.

Okay, first we're gonna need some rope and duct tape.