I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry (2007) Script

We're cleaning the house, baby.

-Pick him up. -l got him. l got him.

Yeah!

-Nice shot. -He got lucky.

Nice pass. Here we go. Ball. l got him.

Don't let him shoot it!

-Come on, come on! -Put it up, Chuck!

Oh, yeah. Chuck, my man. All day, all day!

Yeah, Tony!

Tony, tag him.

Good steal.

Take the ball. Take the ball.

Come on!

Yeah!

Come on, come on. Come on.

Feel the power!

Foul! Foul!

That wasn't a foul.

-Chuck! -Shoot. That's it!

-Chuck! -Shoot it, man!

Chuck! Chuck! l need to talk to you!

Hey, Darla, what's the matter with you? You sound so upset.

You slept with my twin sister on Saturday. That's why l'm so upset!

How do you know for sure it wasn't you?

'Cause l wasn't there. lt sure looked like you were there to me.

Oh, he's dead.

Come on, let's figure this out together. This is a tricky situation.

Do me a favour. Say, ''Oh, Chuck, keep buttering my biscuit.''

Get out of here.

No, l'm trying to do detective work here, so we can both be happy. l'm confused, too. l feel violated!

Chuck, keep buttering my biscuit.

You're right, that wasn't you.

You are such a loser, Chuck!

Let it go, Darla.

Hey, look who's here.

He has moved up from Marshalls to Bloomingdale's.

He didn't even know it was you that night, Donna!

-That's a joke! -He thought it was me!

He knew it wasn't you because you would never do half the freaky stuff that we did!

Don't tell me l don't know how to satisfy a man!

You show up here in your...

You shut your mouth, you fat-ass!

Whoa, whoa. Hey, girls, look, come on.

Now, don't fight, you two. You're sisters.

Give each other a kiss and make up.

You're the only sisters you got. Use your tongues.

You dare us to?

Unless that's too freaky for Darla over here.

You'd be surprised just how freaky l can get. l'm sorry, right now you gotta prove it to me.

Come forward. That's right.

-Saved by the bell, girls. -Yeah.

Hear the bell, gentlemen? Let's go! Time to make a living!

Somewhere something is burning!

What we got?

Both companies, first due, phone aIarm. Prospect PIace...

Larry, Larry, let's go. All right, somebody call Larry a cab.

Shut up.

Fat-ass!

Chuck, you said you were gonna sign Mr February for me! l will. l just gotta go save the city first.

-l'll call you! -l'll call you!

No, l'm gonna call him!

No, l'm gonna call him!

Hey, who's this guy?

He's a transfer from Engine Company 12. Name's Duncan.

They say he put his captain through a wall.

For what?

Don't know. Don't want to know.

And my advice, don't ask him.

Hey, you.

My friend Karl here says you're an axe murderer. ls that true?

See, you're wrong, Karl. This is Karl, by the way.

He lives at 845 Rutland Road, Apartment 4C. Right?

Four floors fully involved.

Be nice to have some more ladders up here.

Going in alive.

Coming out the same way. Let's go.

Help me!

Please! My son is up there!

-All right. -My baby!

All right, all right, we'll get your baby.

-Bernie! -We'll get your baby.

-My baby Bernie! Please! -Calm down, calm down.

-lt's all right. -Please!

-Chuck, you got the keys. Use them. -You got it, Chief.

All right.

Thing's a pain in my ass.

lt's open.

Show off.

Bernie! Bernie! l'm up here!

Hang in there, little man!

Hurry!

Up the stairs.

Let me hear that voice! l'm up here in my room!

-All right, try and stay calm. -Come on.

-Where you at, buddy? -Hey!

Let's hear that voice! l'm over here!

All right, let's find a new way in.

Help me.

Yes!

All right, all right.

Oh, thank God!

Holy Shamu. l'm sorry. l can't get out of bed.

There's a bed under there?

Can you walk at all? l haven't walked in five years!

All right, maybe if we strap a rocket ship on this guy, we'll get him out of here.

No, no, we can do this. People lift cars. lt's adrenaline, you know?

Well, cars. This guy's more like a freaking minivan.

Hey, buddy, we're gonna help you out of here. Come on.

-How's my mom? -Your ma? lf she survived the birthing process, nothing's gonna take her down.

So, what, just grab a side, Chuck, come on.

-Get a side there. -What do you mean, get him?

-What are we gonna do here? -Come on, just...

-Come on. Come on! -We can't budge this fatso. l know, let me chop him up. We'll take him down in pieces.

-What? -l'm kidding you.

-We gotta hurry up here. Let's go. -All right, all right.

Just grab the back of our coats.

-Turn around, Chuck. Grab the back. -Okay. All right.

Hey, hey, did you start this fire by lighting one of your farts?

That's funny.

-Hold on to our coats. -Hold on. Start running!

Go!

Go!

l'm running, Mama! l'm running like the wind!

Slow down! Slow down!

Mama!

Chuck! Chuck, are you all right?

Thank God.

Oh, my God! Oh, sweet Lord. Broccoli. Oh, my God!

They saved me, those two. Yeah, they're my heroes. l like you. l love you!

Oh, get me a hero! l'm starving!

Oh, get me out of here! Bring me to a deli!

So, how are the kids doing?

Oh, Tori, she's great, man.

She's playing soccer, scoring goals.

-lt's awesome. -My man Eric? ls he starting Little League yet?

Yeah. l don't think that's happening.

Why not?

May, me, my, mo, mo Mo, me, my, mo, may Okay, Eric? That's enough.

Sit down and get ready for dinner.

Okay.

Dad, you smell like smoke. Did you put out a fire? l wasn't roasting marshmallows.

-That's so cool. -You're so cool.

Could you help me out, Teresa, and just grab that spaghetti sauce out of the microwave?

No. l have sub-train.

Would you please? l just need a hand. l don't really know what l'm doing here. ls last train for 15 minutes.

All right, you can go. Oh, God.

Oh, God.

There we are, Bolognese.

Looks more like bowl of shit.

Yeah, thanks for all your help, Teresa.

Okay, guys, so what is new? l'm auditioning for the school musical, Pippin.

You... You like that, huh? The musical thing.

Yeah, l love it. l think it's my calling.

That's what you said about hopscotch.

You're just jealous 'cause l can do the splits.

lsn't that supposed to hurt his testicles?

Yes.

You, don't talk like that.

You, get back in your chair and finish your hot dog salad.

...guy reaIIy wants to take the baII every day, and going right back out there.

And hits one to deep Ieft fieId!

Dunn back, and it's out of here!

And the Mets now have a six to two Iead.

Oh, boy.

Brownies are ready.

Would you stop using my Easy-Bake Oven?

But l like to bake.

Guys, would you settle?

Eric, why don't you watch the Met game, huh?

WeIcome to the MunicipaI EmpIoyee and PIanning Department.

PIease teII me your name.

Larry Valentine.

I'm sorry, I didn't quite get that.

Larry Valentine.

You said, ''Barry SchmaIenpime. '' Is that right?

Schmalenpime?

You said, ''SchmaIenpime. '' Is that right? l was enunciating.

You said, ''I was enunciating. '' Is that right?

Whoo!

You said, ''Whoo!'' Is that right?

Dad, you have to try my brownies. They're fabulous!

Enough with the splits! Watch baseball!

Then it took 45 minutes for this robot to stop calling me ''Dairy.''

And then it starts asking me if l'm calling from ''Gooklyn.''

Look, all l'm trying to do is change my beneficiary from my wife to my kids.

Okay, you would have to file a request to do that.

Great. Let's do it.

That's gonna take a while.

Look, lady, l don't have a while, all right? l'm a fireman. l could die tomorrow. l guess if that happened, you would be burned.

Are you trying to make a funny?

Sort of.

Anyhooser, beneficiaries can only be changed for three events.

Births, deaths and marriages.

According to our records, we did contact you when your wife passed away.

You had a year. You should have responded.

Like a crazy person, l was busy mourning the death of my wife.

Off the record. l could suggest something that's a little more simple and perhaps more fulfilling to speed things up.

That would be great. What do... What do you got?

Should you remarry, your new wife at that time could be named your primary beneficiary.

So if there's somebody special in your life, l mean, who knows, maybe even someone you just met, and you are ready to make a commitment, maybe now's the time.

Let's go crazy.

Look how pretty she is.

-Going in alive. -Coming out the same way.

All right, baby.

Come on, bud.

Levine, Valentine, can we finish this secondary search so l can get home to my wife and be denied sex?

Yeah. Absolutely.

So he's auditioning for a musical?

Yeah, Pippin.

Pippen? That ain't so bad. ls it about Scottie Pippen? l don't know. He practices singing a lot.

Hey, Sinatra sang a lot.

Yeah, that's true.

Better than dancing.

Yeah, it's just when l was his age, all l did was sports, you know?

Maybe they'll make skipping an Olympic event. There's still hope.

Come on, man, l don't have enough problems?

Baton swallowing. l bet he'd be great at that.

Yeah. You're an idiot. l'm just busting your balls. Come on.

Ladder 223, roof. Secondary search negative.

Going upstairs.

At least the whole pension thing's working out for you, buddy.

Yeah. Hey, you know what? Why don't you come back down here? l'll stick this pole up your ass, turn you into a lollipop.

You talking to me or your son?

Get down here now! l'll give you an ass-beating! l will destroy you!

Hey, Larry, good news. l found you something to eat.

Cool, man. l will devour that.

You what?

All right, l'll give you 1,000 bucks you eat this thing's head.

For 1,000 bucks, l'll start at the ass and work my way to the head.

This l gotta see, baby.

Come on.

Nothing but net.

Here you go, buddy.

Chuck!

-Larry! -Chuck!

Mayday! Mayday! Ladder 223, firefighter down.

Holy shit! l dropped the rat, dude.

We'll have to do that another time.

That's all right, buddy. Just relax. Stay calm.

This thing's gonna break, man. Get the hell out of here!

No! Hey, man, we came in alive, we're going out the same way. Come on!

No! No! l got you!

We got them over here!

Chuck! Come on, man.

-Heads up! -Chuck.

Urgent! Urgent! Two members down!

Mr Levine?

Mr Levine?

Do you know where you are?

Am l in a Mötley Crüe video? 'Cause you're hot.

Honey, how's my buddy doing?

Honey?

We're expecting a full recovery.

And, Mr Levine, please address me as ''Doctor.''

Dr. Honey. Yeah, okay, you got it.

Chuck. What's going on, man?

Brace yourself, Larry.

What l'm gonna tell you is pretty rough.

They removed your entire body.

You're nothing but a head now.

What?

They said that there was enough fat in your head to rebuild you a new body, so they got scientists in the other room working on it.

God willing, you're gonna be all right.

You know, you're such a dick.

What's going on is you saved my life, man. l would've died if you didn't do what you did.

Would you stop being so melodramatic?

No. l owe you. That's the code.

Whatever you want, whenever you want it.

Whatever, whenever.

-Whatever? -Yes. l'll take that rat.

You want to find that rat for me? 'Cause l'm hungry as hell.

-Hi, Dad. -Eric.

Tori. Hey, guys, come on in.

They called me out of class, and nobody would tell me for, like, a really long time what was wrong.

Did you die?

Oh, no, Daddy's fine, buddy. l could go home right now if l wanted to. l'm only staying here because your Uncle Chuck, he's afraid to sleep alone. lt's true, Eric. lf he don't sleep with me, then l gotta sleep with Dr. Honey.

And you never know with Dr. Honey what kind of mood she's gonna be in.

What are you, six years old?

Hey, where you going? Come here. Lay down next to me. l'll split a Vicodin with you. We'll have some fun.

-Come on. -You little tease.

-Dr. Honey. -Dr. Honey.

Sweetie, what's the matter? Come here. lt's okay.

This is the same hospital. You know. Mom.

l'm not gonna leave you. You hear me? l'm never gonna leave you.

LARRY: l'm quitting the department.

Get out of here, man.

No, Renaldo's cousin's got an Acura dealership down in Trenton.

You want to sell cars? Acuras? l don't want to.

Every time l run into a fire, where's my head gonna be? l'm all my kids got left. lf l die...

Just don't wanna leave them with nothing.

Your father was a fireman. His father was a fireman.

You are a fireman, man.

One of the best Brooklyn's ever seen. That's it. You can't do nothing else. l don't think l have any other choice.

We'll come up with something, all right?

Come on, l promise you.

Oh, poor Charlie.

Hey, there are my girls.

-How are you? -How you doing? Oh, my leg hurts.

How are you feeling?

My leg.

Oh, God. We got different lives. l need some help out of here. All right, Chuck's doing all right.

Let's get in here.

Hey, who wants to massage my ass muscles?

-Me! -Me!


Larry.

-What time is it? -4:00. l saved your life, and you said you owed me. You remember that?

Yeah, you saved my life.

Then you got me out of bed at 4:00 in the morning.

-We're even. That's great. -Look.

Hey, look, l'm just gonna throw something out here, and it's gonna sound a little bit crazy.

-You're getting a breast reduction. -No, shut up.

No, look, l figured out how to solve this pension problem, and l don't have to quit the Department.

Great. How?

What we're gonna do is we're gonna set things up so that you inherit my benefits if l die.

That way you'll be the one responsible for Eric and Tori.

Absolutely. That's a great idea. How do we do that?

Yeah. Domestic partnership.

Domestic partnership.

-You mean like faggots? -No. l mean, yeah, but, no, not us, obviously.

No, no, not, you know... lt's just on paper, really.

Paper faggots?

Okay, look, the accepted vernacular is ''gay,'' but, yeah. l'm gonna get something to drink.

All right.

Right.

l'm gonna have to pass.

You can't!

Why don't you pay some chick to marry you if you need this set-up?

-Some chick? Like who? -Give me the phone. l know plenty of chicks who could use the cash.

What do you want? A blonde? A Puerto Rican? l'll get you a heavy girl. She'll make you feel better about yourself.

Hey, it doesn't matter. l don't have any extra cash.

Look, man, you're the only person l can trust.

Hey, you know who you could trust? Your maid, Teresa.

She steals!

She steals? Why don't you fire her? l'm afraid. l think she's into voodoo. l don't know.

-Oh, God. -Look, this is the only way l can keep doing what l do and make sure my kids are protected.

Larry, look at us. We're not gay.

But if we were gay, don't you think l'd be with someone a little hotter-looking than you? l'm Mr February, for God's sake. lt would be like the prom king fooling around with a tuba player.

Oh, great, l play tuba.

Larry, l love you, but l'm not in love with you, if that makes any sense. l still wanna be friends.

All right, do me a favour. Just picture this, please. All right?

You're at my funeral and you're looking for my kids, but they're not there.

'Cause they're in some factory in Bangladesh making sneakers for six cents an hour.

And you go home to nail some chick you met at my gravesite.

And you look up, and right there in your window are my kids.

They're just tapping on the glass.

And they have tears just streaming down their faces.

You think of that and now you give me your answer.

How are they tapping on my window if they're in Bangladesh?

Oh, my God. You're... You're not following me here.

-Yeah, l'm serious. -Chuck?

Thirsty. Do you have anything to drink?

Yeah, there's Gatorade in the fridge.

The girls are here. The girls, they want the Gatorade.

Oh, they're thirsty.

Larry, Larry, watch this.

Hey, girls, actually it's down low, the Gatorade. l can't be gay, Larry. l could be a lesbian for you, but that's about it. l am so lonely in here. Hurry up, Chuck.

Dr. Honey! Dr. Honey. You know Dr. Honey.

Yeah, l do.

How are you feeling, Mr Valentine? lt's still stiff when l go to the right.

That's normal.

Hey, who untied you?

What? What? We have rules around here, girls.

Specific orders, girls.

Now l'm gonna go Charlie Chaplin on your ass!

Here, use the cane. Use it! Use it!

Whap them, whap them!

You... You're just an animal, man. l'm not an animal. l am a whore.

You don't want to marry the town whore. Believe me, you're better than that.

What l'm talking about is no more involved than co-signing a loan or joining a gym.

How do we know no one's gonna find out about this?

Because privacy laws are super strict nowadays.

Look, all we gotta do is just forward your mail to my house for a while.

That's it.

Oh, l don't know. l saved your life, bitch.

Partners?

Partners.

Shake on it?

You should've let me die, asshole.

You're partners now, fellas.

Teresa brought in the mail.

That's a first. Me.

Chuck. That's me.

Chuck.

Chuck.

Chuck.

What the hell?

Chuck.

Chuck.

You gotta be kidding me. They send these things blown up now? ls that doll for me?

No, no, no, sweetheart. No, it's for me. lt's a... lt's a training doll. You know, for CPR.

They're testing us again, you know, to make sure.

You remember Daddy did the testing?

You make sure the passageway is clear, and you...

To see if they're breathing.

Sweetheart, go to your room, please. Go to your room, okay? lt's for me. She's fine. She's fine. We're dancing.

Whoa.

Fire under control. All units ten-eight, ten-eight.

Great to have you back, Larry.

Great to be back, Captain.

Captain! Found out what started the fire, an old-fashioned doobie.

Hey, brother, that's my weed. Can l get that back?

You want this back? l can't give you it back. But you know what? l got something better for you.

Whoa, man!

Do that again.

He likes it.

All right, enjoy it.

Hey, man. Looks like a powdered doughnut.

Mr Valentine?

Yeah.

Hi. l'm Glen Aldrich from the Pension Department. l'd like to talk to you about your recently filed domestic partnership.

Hey.

-Are you okay? -No, yeah, no, l'm fine.

That's how l always get down, 'cause it's just faster. You know. Steps. ls your partner home? A Mr Charles Levine?

No, he...

How did you... How did you find out that that we were... lt's standard procedure.

You see, when a previously registered portfolio shifts over to a domestic partnership filing in the insurance log, there's an information sharing system that notifies us of the adjustment to make sure it's not a mistake.

Why do you ask? Were you keeping your partnership secret?

Secret? What, are you kidding me? Hell, no.

No, we're telling everybody. lt's a party.

Telling everybody what?

Hey, butt out, Ron.

Come over here.

l hope you don't think we have any reason to doubt your situation, Mr Valentine, but the sad truth is some people have used homosexual lifestyles as a cover to reap illegal benefits.

Wow.

Who's that?

That's Paula. She's my late wife.

So you haven't always been gay.

No. l'm newly gay.

When... When she died, l knew l'd never find another woman who'd make me as happy, and that's when l boarded the dude train.

Will you excuse me one second?

Sure.

Hey, homo, you see the moon balloons on that chick?

They're a jiggle away from falling out.

Oh, Chuck, don't tell me you lost your key again, sweetheart.

What key?

Baby! How about a free show? Why don't you shake them for me?

Oh, you mean Ron, the mailman. Yeah, Ron, you look great, man!

Love the moon balloons. Shake them! Shake them!

Hey, Chuck, come on in here a minute.

This is Glen Aldrich from the Penis... The Pension Department.

Our Pension Department.

Hi.

-Oh, hey. -Yeah.

He... He knows about our partnership, and he's just here checking up on us, making sure we're not running a scam to collect illegal benefits.

People do that? What is with the world?

Yeah. lt just makes me so sad and gay to think of that kind of...

-Yeah. -....behaviour.

Yeah. l just want to go to my room right now and listen to Boy George records.

Calm down.

So you've moved your relationship to the next level. How's it been going?

Oh, great. We've just been having sex with each other all the time.

Loads of sex.

Gay crazy sex.

Man on man. Loving every minute of it.

Yeah, balls and wieners all the way. Right here.

Oh, yeah.

Well, l won't take up any more of your time.

Bring the funk.

Okay, thank you.

So that's it?

You don't... You don't have any other questions for us or...

Oh, no. No, that's not really how we do it.

You see, if my report says l thought something was out of the ordinary, then the department assigns a special investigator, and he or she'll just drop in from time to time unannounced over the next three or four months.

No big deal.

Let me... Just asking was there anything that you saw that was out of the ordinary or...

Oh, l can't tell you that. All right, have a great day.

Oh, we will.

-Nice seeing you. -Take care.

Nice seeing you.

We love your pants, by the way. Very nice.

We do. Are those wrinkle-free? l think they are. They look great!

Snazzy!

Yeah, no one's gonna find out about us, l thought.

Well... Yes!

-He likes it rough. -Yeah.

-Bye-bye. -Take care.

Bye-bye now. Take care. Okay.

You made a promise to me.

All right, we're gonna have sex now.

Okay. We are.

-Sex now. -Here we go!

Whoo!

Why are we even seeing this lawyer guy? l just want to find out how much trouble we're in here.

Maybe it's, you know, no big deal.

This guy'll be able to tell us.

Here, just give me your hand.

Maybe we should just be snuggling a little bit.

You mean to look...

Yeah, just a little bit like, you know.

Yeah, that's good.

Does this work, too? Get away from me.


Alex McDonough.

Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you.

Yeah, meet to nice you.

What was that, Japanese?

What? What are you talking about?

Meet to nice you.

No, no, no, l didn't do that.

You did. He did say it.

You did.

Okay.

Okay, just come on in.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, sure.

So my assistant says that your domestic partnership is being challenged by the city.

Well, not exactly challenged yet, but they're definitely sniffing around.

-Home visit? -Yeah.

You're being targeted.

Targeted? lt's like an audit. Who did they send? lt was a Glen somebody.

Probably the initial interviewer.

But if you get a follow-up from a funny little guy named Clint Fitzer, then we've got real trouble.

Yeah, the city's really been cracking down ever since the Bensley case.

What's that?

Well, in Colorado, a heterosexual government employee married his gay friend so the friend could be covered under Bensley's health insurance.

The state found out about it, fired Bensley and prosecuted them both for fraud.

-Really? -Oh, yeah. l mean, these people needed to be made an example of. l mean, gays and lesbians have not been fighting for these rights for 40 years to be made a mockery of.

But you guys have nothing to worry about because you're a legitimate gay couple, right?

Oh, yeah, we're... No, we're big-time fruits. l used to wrestle in high school, and l loved it.

Okay.

Curiosity kicking up again.

What exactly did they get, the hetero bastards?

Well, Bensley got five years and his gay friend got three.

And a coworker of Bensley's got 18 months.

Why? What did he do?

Well, Bensley told him what was going on and he never reported it to the authorities, so he was convicted of obstructing justice and conspiracy to commit fraud.

Pretty rough, huh?

When l used to climb the rope in gym class, l wished it was a guy.

Well, there is a secret weapon that really might help get these guys off your back.

-Oh, good. -Oh, great. Well, we love secrets.

Yeah, we do them all the time. Yeah.

-Oh, yeah. -Oh, l won't tell anyone.

Nobody tells.

That was a key he was throwing away, that's what that was.

Leave a trail.

You know, the strongest evidence for genuinely demonstrating a domestic partnership is to take a quick drive on up to Canada and legitimise your relationship.

Legitimise?

Get married.

Marry Larry?

where do two guys get married?

What do we got here? Wedding Balls. l Do, l Do Love Clay Aiken.

Great Rear Endings.

Till Dicks Do Us Part.

Where are we gonna do this, sweetheart?

What's the matter? You getting cold nuts?

No, no. lt's just Paula always wanted to go to Niagara Falls, and l never got the chance to take her, you know?

You were great to her. lt's been three years already, man.

Just, just... She would want you to be happy.

She would want you to move on with your life, find somebody new, l'm telling you.

You know what? l did find somebody new.

And l'm marrying him today.

Oh, yeah. What a lucky girl.

Queers.

-What was that? -What was that? l said tears.

Your love for each other brings tears to my eyes.

-That's what l thought you said, buddy. -Yeah. Yeah.

Better watch what you say, my friend.

Why don't you just drive the car?

Doug Henning. What the hell you think you're doing?

-You want a Brooklyn beating, moron? -Magic shoes. Yeah?

-You want to get him nuts? -Yeah? Smacked around?

-Then shut your mouth. -Don't, please.

Faggots.

-All right, that's it, my man. -What's that, you son of a bitch?

-Grab the wheel. Grab the wheel. -Hold him down!

Hey, l'm sorry!

Hold him down, and l will...

-Come and drive now, moron! -Hey, the wheel, man!

-l'm sorry! -Chuck, hold him.

Yeah! Yeah!

Get him! Hold him down!

Suki! Stupid cow. Sorry.

Hey, may l help you?

Yes, we're... We're...

Gay?

Yeah, we're marrying each other.

Gay. Civil or religious?

Religious. l'm Jewish. l don't wanna piss my mother off. l'm Catholic. l don't want to piss Mel Gibson off.

Come on.

Religious is more expensive. We have to hire a clergyman.

Look, you know what? We'll just do civil then, okay?

-Will you at least wear a yarmulke? -Yeah, okay, sure. lt's important.

Yeah, l will.

We want a traditional wedding, too, one with a lot of photographs for evidence.

Evidence for our future children, so they can see what a beautiful chapel this is.

Yeah.

That's nice. l think Chubb Rock needs a dress. Am l right?

-That's okay. No, l'm fine. No. -Come on. No?

Okay. What size? Five times XL?

No, no. That's... That's fine, really. l'm...

You know what l'm gonna do? l'm gonna go with a tux like Liza Minnelli. l saw her wear one at the Oscars and it's just been...

At least have garter belts underneath, please?

Okay.

You will need to have a witness. We can supply one for $100.

Hundred doll hairs? That's a lot of doll hairs.

Come again?

Do dolls come with that many hairs?

Doll hairs, like dollars.

Doll hairs?

Yeah. Yeah, he likes that. l had never heard that one.

Okay, sorry, sorry. Can l write that down?

Yeah, go ahead.

We'll... We'll get our own witness, by the way, so...

-Yeah. -Don't worry about that.

Will you be needing a room?

-What? -A loom?

For romantic time together.

-Whoa, whoa. No, no, we're good. We... -No...

We'll take two looms, by the way.

Yeah. We're old-fashioned.

That's very nice. l will give you key in case you want to sneak.

-That's okay. -Yeah.

But l'll give you key.

Okay.

Do you have the rings?

Yeah.

Now, the rings are a symbol of eternity, because in a ring there's no beginning, there is no end

'cause it's a circle.

That's kind of nice. lt's not like a triangle.

Triangle has, like, a corner in the ends.

This one is a circle.

Okay, we get it.

Three corners.

Please exchange the rings.

-Larry, take that. -All right, yeah.

Thanks. ls a promise of your love forever together...

-Okay. Beautiful. -Okay.

-...for all eternity. -Okay.

-Because it's a circle. -CHUCK: Yeah, we heard about the circle.

-Yes, we're familiar with shapes. -We got it.

l now pronounce you husband and husband.

You may kiss the husband.

l don't know. Hey, man, you just gotta do this.

-What do you mean? -We got to do it.

Kiss the husband.

Yeah, we heard you.

Oh, come on. Let's just...

He's gonna take a picture, we just gotta do this.

Mmm-hmm.

Oh!

That's how we roll in our house, baby.

Oh, yeah.

Do you do me?

Oh, you couldn't handle it, little man.

Yeah. l think your witness piss himself.

The wires are all in place, and they have tapped all of our phones.

The Chinese government is in on it.

And Elizabeth Taylor is Bigfoot.

Turn off my brain.

-Hear, hear! -Hear, hear!

There's a microphone in the cake!

They moved it.

Yeah.

He smell like a dead water buffalo.

Oh, yeah! Very Jewish!

l've been hit!

How you doing?

He broke his leg.

Hey, how come your maid ain't helping us out?

She's working on something else, all right?

Yeah, right.

How you doing there, Phil Collins?

$800. $800, Bob Barker!

...retaiI price without going over...

She's working hard with Bob Barker.

She doesn't like when you talk during her shows. Come on.

$750? Oh, my balls, that's too low.

Hey, Big Ragoo, l smell your feet from here. l like it.

Oh...

He thinks my feet stink.

Now, that's a stink.

See, l knew you were gonna overcook this, man. l told you.

Hey, it's Salisbury steak, Emeril. lt's supposed to be black. lt stinks like manure!

Yeah, it's supposed to. l can't believe you're gonna serve this to the kids. Shit.

Hey, language!

Okay, kids, ''shit'' is a bad word.

Seriously, though, l am not eating this crap! lf l'm living here, l'm cooking.

How long is Uncle Chuck staying?

Just for a little bit, okay? Until his apartment is fixed.

What happened to your place?

Roaches.

Yeah, big giant roaches.

They ate my dog.

Bastards!

Language!

Roaches are so ewwy.

Did you hear that? Roaches are ewwy.

''Ewwy'' is another word not allowed said in this house, okay?

-l think ewwy's a nice word. -LARRY: Shut up.

Ewwy!

Funny.

The Reds never even came up in the conversation.

About five straight seasons Iosing reguIar seasons, the franchise's worse such stretch since the '50s.

Yet heading into pIay today, the Reds were tied for the best record in the bigs.

They've got everybody going except for...

...who's eIigibIe to come off the DL, but hasn't fuIIy recovered from an infIamed tendon...

Real smooth.

Why? What happened?

You broke Tori's chair!

No, no, no. lt was like that when l got here. l'm not kidding you. l think she did it.

What the hell is that on your face? l'm exfoliating. lt's good for my skin.

Hey, that's a great idea, man. ln case the gay inspector comes by.

Yeah, yeah, that's why l was doing it.

Daddy, help!

Tori?

Somebody left the seat up.

Real smooth, again.

Why? What happened now? lt was like that when l got here. She... She did it.

Hey, it's okay, sweetheart.

You see, Uncle Chuck, he's not used to living in a house with a young lady.

-True that. -Come here, honey.

Slow, slow, slow. Don't leave her intestines in there.

Whoa, whoa...

Your father's just jealous 'cause he can't get his butt

-in that thing. -Yeah.

He got his butt stuck in a king-sized Jacuzzi one time.

-l seen that. -Stop.

Hey, yeah.

Uncle Chuck, you left this in the kitchen.

Hey, don't you look at that!

-l didn't. -Actually, you know what? Give me that.

-Maybe he should look at it. See. -Stop it, Chuck!

No, no, no. This is an experiment. Seriously.

Eric, see how this makes you feel.

Open it up.

All right, that didn't go well.

Yo, you got any tequila in this house? l want to fall right asleep.

No, l don't.

What the hell is this? You got a dog l don't know about?

No, that's your bed. l worked hard on that.

That ain't a bed. That's a bed, the thing you're about to cave in.

No. Look, you're not sleeping here, okay?

Nobody's slept on that side since Paula.

But, sweetheart, it's our honeymoon.

Of course l'm sleeping in the same bed as you.

No.

How about if l put Paula's pyjamas on?

Would that get me in the sack with you?

Don't you dare touch her PJs.

You're kidding me. You still keep her PJs?

That's sick, Larry. Seriously.

All right.

You gotta call the shrink. l'm coming in the bed, Larry.

Whoa, look at this. You made me a little bowling ball ashtray.

That's sweet of you. l'll smoke that in the morning. l don't feel comfortable with this, buddy, at all.

Would it help if l gave you the pose?

Hey, get your foot off that side of the bed.

Have some respect, would you, please?

Yeah, l'll be respectful. You won't even know l'm here.

-Oh, God. -You won't know l'm here, okay?

Why don't you turn the light off? You won't even see me. l'm not around, Larry.

Yeah. Yeah. See? Yeah. Roll over.

Make yourself comfortable.

That's right.

You got Cinemax in here?

No, l do not.

What the hell am l supposed to do with this thing?

Keep it away from me.

Can you lend me your foot for a second? l'm kidding.

Larry.

You betrayed me, Larry.

You made a promise no one would sleep on my side of...

All right. Hey, hey, hey.

-l swear to you, l will beat you... -That wasn't me.

-...with the end table! -Larry!

Stop it, man. lf it was me, l would stop it. lt was someone else. lt scared me, too, Larry.

Good morning, Daddy.

Oh, hey, kids.

Good morning, Uncle Chuck.

What's doing, guys?

Good morning, Teresa.

Great morning.

Why is Teresa in the bed?

She was just cleaning it. She was... Great job, Teresa.

Spotless. Thank you. You can go now.

Hey.

Hey, this is what got us in trouble in the first place.

Oh, boy.

Come on, kids, fix me breakfast!

Come on, come on, come on!

You're gonna burn for that.

Get Cinemax.

While l'm sleeping in the same bed?

Hey, you weren't sleeping the whole time.

You threw in some moves. l did not!

Yeah. Smell your thumb.

Smells like plastic.

Hey, big guy.

Hey, what the hell you doing going through our garbage?

Oh, once it's out on the street ready for pickup, it's public property.

Lawrence Valentine, l presume?

Yeah. That's me.

Yeah, Clint Fitzer from Financial Services.

You know, funny thing, you put these moving boxes out for recycling after you'd already been living together for so long. l found that interesting.

And your garbage, Mr Valentine, well, from my experience, it's not very homosexual garbage.

Can l see some identification, please?

Oh, that's just one zip away.

Mr Valentine, the law takes a dim view of those who cheat the public coffers.

A very dim view, big guy.

Shit.

What are you doing? l'm putting a pillowcase on my pillow.

Okay, you know what? That's not a pillowcase. lt's my underwear, you idiot.

-No! -Would you stop? l just ran into Clint Fitzer out front. That big city investigator.

The one that hot-ass lawyer was talking about?

We gotta make this place more gay.

More gay?

Yeah. He went through our trash. He says it's not gay enough.

Well, let's gay that shit up, then!

-Oh, God. -Gay trash.

Gay trash... Gay trash...

Let's see.

Huh? Huh?

Yeah. What else?

Anything you can do, I can do better I can do anything better than you

-Perfect. -Hey!

Eric, are those the cleats l just bought you?

Uncle Chuck helped me turn them into tap shoes.

Yeah, he didn't get Pippin, so we're gonna prime him for his next audition.

For the Annie Get Your Gun thing.

Go ahead, tap away. Nice.

Sinatra tap-danced, come on.

Nice. Nice. Big finish.

Yeah. You wanna throw him in the garbage? l'm kidding. Come on.

Think like a gay guy. We're gay, we're gay.

Come on, gay. Gay it up.

-Gay. What else? Gay. -Here we go. Look at this.

Shampoo for permed hair. That's pretty gay.

-Put it in there. -Okay.

Bandages. lt's too rugged.

-Really? -Q-tips, get Q-tips.

Gay guys like clean ears for the licking and whatnot. Smart.

What do you got?

Maxi Pads.

Now we have vaginas? Put it back.

Get some Streisand shit or something. Just walk away, man.

Gay. Very gay. Über gay.

The gayest. And the mother ship.

Oh...

-Chuck! -Alex.

-Hi! -Wow.

Oh, hey, did Larry tell you that l talked to him about Fitzer stopping by?

That guy is an infection, but don't you worry about it, 'cause l'm gonna handle it.

No, it's all good. lt's all gay all the way.

Are you doing anything on Saturday night?

No. Why?

Well, l'm involved with this group, and it's our big fundraiser thing and...

Look, l know it's a little bit last-minute, but...

No, no, no! Hey! Let's do this.

Let's party. Wow.

-Awesome. Awesome! -Please.

Okay. lt's gonna be a lot of fun. l'm sure.

-Here's the info. -Hell, yeah.

And don't forget to bring your husband.

My, husband? Yes, of course.

Don't go anywhere without him.

He's like a... He's like an infection, too.

Are you gonna be bringing your significant other person thing?

Oh, l'm not gay, if that's what you mean.

And l just broke up with my boyfriend, so... l mean... lt's fine. So am l gonna see you there? l'll be there.

Okay.

-Oh, you wanna go? -Yeah.

-See you. -Yeah.

Hell, yeah!

Sorry, did you say something?

No, they got K-Y jelly, two for $1. Hell, yeah.

Okay. Bye.

Bye.

Yeah, this does work.

Got some mail for you, Mr Valentine.

Oh, okay. Thanks, Ron.

Something l can do for you? l couldn't help overhearing you and Mr Levine talking about your arrangement the other day.

Yeah, we're a couple, so...

Right. l also caught a bit of what you said pertaining to me.

What? l'm sorry? l heard you mention to the gentleman that you thought l was a hottie.

Oh. Yeah, you know what? l'm sorry if that came off a little weird.

-l was feeling... -Oh, no, no, no. lt's nothing to worry about, sir. l don't bite.

Oh, okay.

Listen, just so you know, if you're ever home alone in the afternoons. l make drop-offs.

Yeah.

And l always deliver.

You know what? l'm pretty loyal to Chuck.

Right, l understand that. l'm just saying if you ever want to explore your other feelings, there's no extra postage.

And it's always first-class.

All right. Anything else you feel you need to say, there? l handle with care.

Okay, Ron, thank you very much. l appreciate it.

And l'd be happy to come in through the back door. l'm sure you would.

RON: Used to holding large packages.

This actually ain't gonna be bad, man.

Just some regular gay folks having a party.

l'm dirty! Who's dirty? Are you...

Oh, my God, it's Homopalooza.

You know what? Find Alex, say hello, and let's get the hell out of here. l'm going to take a leak.

You're gonna go to the men's room? Here?

What's wrong with that? l peed three times before l got here. l'll be fine.

Apple martini?

Oh, yeah. There's my lawyer.

Look at that. Perfection.

l want to suck your blood.

Suck my what?

Nothing. lt's cool. You want to suck something. l was talking to somebody else.

Hey! Don't go, bitch!

Don't be a tease!

You whore!

Hello?

Anybody here?

Oh, my God. All right, let's do this.

Chuck! Hey! Oh, l'm so glad you made it.

Alex? That's you, right?

Yeah. l'm Catwoman.

Wow, so... l had no idea Dracula could look so fierce. l like Betty Butterfly the most.

On, Stevie! On, Bobby! On, Sarah!

That's my brother, Kevin.

He's your brother? You're related to him?

Yes.

He's gotta come out of the closet already. l feel bad. lt must eat him up inside knowing he's got so many secrets.

Shut up.

My underwear's just riding up my core.

Seriously, l got some applesauce going on down there. l can't wait to launder that load.

What's up, apple dumpling? What's crack-a-lacking?

What's crack-a-what? l'm sorry, who are you? Do l know you?

Oh, l'm sorry, l'm Kevin, Alex's brother.

-Oh, hey, man. -What's up, man?

Larry, Chuck's better half.

Oh, wow.

Better two-thirds, actually.

So, l got a question. l know you know it's coming.

-l'm gonna do it! l'm gonna do it! -Don't do it. Don't do it.

Who's pitching and who's catching?

You mean who's the chick and who's the guy and that kind of thing?

Please don't feel obligated to answer that. lt's none of our business. l know it's not, but it's fun to know.

Really not a problem. Let's see. This is gonna be a cool experiment.

Who do you think is the chick out of us two?

-One, two, three. Chuck! -One, two, three. Chuck!

-So Chuck! -l know.

What do you mean, Chuck?

Why would you think l'm the chick?

Well, he's an apple.

Very masculine. Very solid fruit.

And you're Count Suckula with a straw in your beer. l'm drinking through a straw 'cause l don't want to smear my lipstick.

Oh, yeah, that was worse. All right. Good, good, good. Okay. l also think it's because you have very sweet, sensitive eyes.

And that's very rare to find in a guy.

Well, you have very sweet and sensitive eyes, too. l do?

Us chicks should stick together, huh?

Take it easy, buddy.

Girls rule and boys drool.

Yeah.

Oh, my God!

You okay? Breathe!

This is my jam!

This is my jam! You know that! This is my jam! Watch my drink, okay?

-Okay, okay. -lt's my jam!

-So? -Yo.

You gonna show me your moves?

Oh, my God, she got the flags out. l can't dance for shit. Can you?

Hell, no.

Look at these guys, man. They're freaking Travoltas!

Gay guys know how to dance good. lt's like the law or some shit.

Get in the circle right now!

Yeah, it's gonna be a blast.

Any second, man. Glad to be here. l can't wait. l can't wait!

LARRY: Look at this.

Hey, the butterfly's coming out of his cocoon again.

That's my brother!

This is his jam! lt is his jam.

Kevin's having fun. l didn't need to see that. l'm flying!

We gotta look good at this. lt's showtime, boys!

Whoa! l'm sorry!

No, it's part of it.

All right, Larry, get up. That's it, that's it, that's it.

We're busted, dude, we're busted.

Let's go junior high on their ass.

Junior high?

Yeah. Let's do this.

Okay.

ls it working? l don't know. l'm afraid to look up. l think it is. l think it is.

Oh, my God.

We really pulled this one out of our asses.

Bad choice of words, there, Larry. Bad choice of words.

Hey, Chuck, Larry. We got a basketball game every Tuesday night at 6:00. lf you guys want to play, the butterfly knows how to get hold of us.

Okay, right on. Thank you. Thank you. Yeah, we'll give you a buzz.

Nice to meet you guys.

Sinners and fornicators! We are not here in anger!

We are here to save you from eternaI damnation!

Hey, buddy!

Wait, come on already! This is a private event.

Now, give it a rest.

Aren't you worried about where you'II spend eternity?

This is what these guys do on a Saturday night?

They just want everyone to be as miserable as they are.

Gay is not the way! Gay is not the way! Gay is not the way! lt's over, baby.

Gay is not the way! Gay is not the way!

Hey, hey! You heard the man. lt's a private party, so take a walk.

This is a public sidewalk. We have every right to be here!

And we have every right to be queer!

Yeah!

HomosexuaIity is an abomination.

Hey, news flash, man. That jacket's an abomination.

-Gay is the way! Gay is the way! -Gay is not the way!

Hey, what makes you think that you have the right to dictate how other people live their lives? l'm a minister. l'm allowed to preach in any public forum.

Well, l'm a fireman. l say you're blocking emergency access, so let's call it a night, guys.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! You're a fireman?

You are a disgrace!

You're a fIamer, is what you are.

-All right, oh, my God. -There's no reasoning with these people.

Just let it go. Just let it go. Just let it go.

Come on, come on. Let it go, guys.

-Have a good day. -See you later.

Faggots. l'm sorry? What did you call me?

Oh, l called you a faggot.

Faggot.

For your information, the accepted vernacular is ''gay.''

Homos, one. Crazy people, zero. Official score.

Gentlemen, l have a very simple philosophy.

What you shove up your ass is your own business.

-Captain... -Shut up.

Now, it's not my style to get involved in the personal lives of my firemen.

And if sometimes l've given you the impression that l'm your friend, l apologise.

However, l seriously doubt that you two are banging each other.

You and Paula, the most beautiful couple l ever laid eyes on.

And you, if my pencil sharpener had a skirt, l'd have to hide it.

Look, do you have any idea of the stress an administrative position entails? l've already got a prostate the size of a cantaloupe.

And now, thanks to you two bozos, l've got the Pension Department pissing up my chimney, not to mention every flaming fruit bat south of Poughkeepsie that wants to come down here to our house and slide up and down our pole!

-We should tell him the truth. -We'll tell him the truth.

-We'll tell him the truth. -lx-nay on the uth-tray! l don't want to hear about it.

And if this marriage is something you've cooked up in response to this pension problem, you are not taking me down with you. l will report you. You will go to jail, where you won't have to pretend to be gay, because your asses'll be busier than a test bench in a plunger factory.

l just wanted to thank you again for what you did at the fundraiser.

Oh, yeah, that was no big deal.

You sound a little down. Where's Larry?

He's at school with the kids, doing the Career Day thing.

So does that mean that you can have a girl's day with me?

-A girl's day? -Yeah.

I need some new shoes, new underwear.

Girl's day!

Uh-huh.

Girl's day! Sure. l'll pick you up.


So, by trading in pre-refunded municipal bonds, we can offer our clients triple tax-exempt returns.

Any questions?

There never are.

Thank you, Mr Auerbach, for that very nice trip down Wall Street.

Our next parent is Larry Valentine, Tori's father.

Hi, everybody! l am a firefighter, and l'm proud to be one because it's my job to protect the community and make sure it's a safe environment for all.

Whoa! We got some questions already.

Yeah. l don't like girls, either. Does that mean l'm gay, too?

No, no.

You were married to a woman, right?

Yes.

Does that mean you're half-lesbian?

Kids, Mr Valentine is here to talk about his career today, okay?

Mr Valentine? You said you're a fireman.

Yes, that is correct.

Do you have two jobs?

Because my dad said that you're also a butt pirate.

Larry.

Steve.

Rough crowd, huh?

-Kids. -Yeah.

So, listen. We're all set for the Boy Scout overnight this month.

Oh, great. We're all set?

No, we're all set, like we don't need any more fathers.

All right, well, then, l guess l'll see you at Little League, then, all right?

Oh, you know what? We're good.

We are good.

No, no, no, we're not good.

We don't need you for Little League. We're good.

Okay, Steve, what's going on? l signed up to coach three months ago.

Larry, l don't want to get into this with you here.

Hey, you know what, Steve? You're really starting to piss me off. l'm trying to get Eric interested in baseball.

That kid interested in baseball?

You got a better chance getting Colonel Sanders interested in a hamburger, buddy.

Fight! Fight! Fight!

Your dad's gay and so are you.

Oh, my hair! Oh, my hair, my hair!

Oh, my clothes!

Oh, am l frizzy? l'm getting frizzy!

You asshole! Go back to Jersey! You can go back to Jersey!

Come on, honey! Please open the door!

Whoa, nice pad.

Oh, thank you.

Hey, you are soaked. Do you want to borrow a sweatshirt or something?

No, no. l'm great, l'm great. Thank you.

Okay, but l am freezing, so...

What are you doing there?

Well, it's wet.

Actually, you know what? l'll take that sweatshirt.

Oh, yeah.

Thanks.

So, that's a great body you got there. l mean, it could be the best body l've ever seen in my life.

Shut up.

Besides Larry's. But yours...

Your tush looks like it's made of muscle, and Larry's is made of pudding and Quarter Pounders and God knows what.

Well, these are real, by the way. l mean, nobody thinks they are.

Everyone thinks they're fake, but they are real.

Alex. You don't gotta lie to me. We're two girls hanging out. Come on.

You kidding me? There's no silicone here, l swear.

Oh, no big deal if they are or not. l don't care. l've got nothing to hide. Feel them.

-Feel them? -Feel them. l mean, l...

l have a... l'd rather feel a flabby man pec, to be honest with you, but in the name of science, if you need me to hold your bodacious Bahama mamas, or whatever the guys call them nowadays, l'll do it.

-Yes, go ahead. -Oh!

Well?

Yeah, they're real.

Told you.

And creamy.

And fun.

For someone who would like something like this, this is...

But to me, it's, like, ew. l just got a little nauseous there, touching them. That's funny.

You want a bite?

No, no, no. Feeling them's enough. l'll do that again.

No, no, l meant food. Are you hungry?

Oh! l'm sorry.

Yeah, no... Just...

That was funny.

Nice, nice.

Wait a minute, wait a minute. Me and Nootzie against you three guys.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You don't want to play?

Hey, Chuckie, l gotta be honest with you.

You play real physical defence, and none of us want you copping a feel or rubbing up against the old boosh-cadoosh here.

Just 'cause you're gay doesn't mean that you're horny for every guy you meet.

Oh, really? 'Cause every time you covered me in the past, l feel like you were grab-assing on me.

Yeah. Let the WNBA play. Come on.

Fine, go.

Unbelievable.

Oh, God.

What, you want to mess with me, too?

Huh? You want to mess with the queer?

'Cause this queer don't take shit from nobody. Let's go, then.

You ready? l'm a fireman, man! l ain't afraid of nothing!

Put your fists down.


Me, too.

You, too?

You, too, what?

l'm gay.

l can't believe l finally said it.

Oh, God, it feels so good. lt's just like a wave is crashing over me.

lt's so liberating.

Oh, yeah.

Do you remember the first time you said it?

First time l said... Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. l was with Larry.

-Your lover. -Yeah.

Who, by the way, is absolutely gorgeous.

Oh, thanks.

He's mine, though, so...

Oh, no, that's your man.

Mmm-hmm.

Yeah.

My whole life l've been living a lie.

But you and Larry have given me the strength to be true to myself.

''To thine own self be true.''

There's nothing worse than pretending to be something that you're not.

Yeah. Yeah, well, l'm glad. l'm glad we helped you out, and anything else we can do, you don't hesitate to ask.

Would you help me tell my parents? l guess.

Yes!

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Oh, yes, yes, yes, girl!

Hey, did you guys catch that Mets game last night?

They got a shot of my cousin throwing a beer at the ump. l missed it. Took my sister to the electrolysis place for a second opinion.

They said there's nothing they could do.

What the hell is so funny?


No!

Pick that up, would you? l ain't picking that up!

You want my soap, Renaldo? Right here.

Hey, Tony, give me your soap.

No. l don't share soap. Too many germies.

Come on, give me the damn bar of soap!

Get out of here! Get out of here!

Who's gonna do it?


Hey, how you doing?

Hey, Duncan. l'll tell you about that later.

'Cause I'm every woman It's aII in me Anything you want now, baby I'II do it naturaIIy

Let me hear you say it

Lawrence.

Oh, a IittIe Iouder

Everybody sing now

I can't hear you sing

All right, yours is done.

Yours, too.

-All right, take a look. -Okay.

''Girlz Rule'' with a ''Z.''

This is so awesome. l hope you like yours.

Let's see here.

''Friends forever.''

Anything with forever and you in it sounds pretty good to me.

This is great. Just slide her on.

You know what's still bugging me, though?

That those Guidos wouldn't even let you play basketball with them.

We could get a court order and have them suspended in two seconds.

Court order? No, no, no. These guys are good guys.

They're just having problems adjusting.

Calm down. Relax. Finish your wine.

Come on.

Okay.

-You're right. You're right. -Yeah.

But you know what would really help me to relax?

ls a foot rub.

Please. Please. You'll be my bestest friend.

Oh, they're good. Yeah, l can handle it. Give me these.

You know, l love that you're a chubby chaser, by the way.

A chubby what-what?

Well, you know, Larry's heavyset. l mean, is that the type of guy you've always been attracted to?

No, he's my first fatty.

Yeah, you guys really seem like you have a lot of sexual chemistry. l float his boat and he sinks mine.

Yeah, l've never had that, really had that, with anybody before. l just... l don't even know if l know what l'm doing.

What? l'm serious. Come on.

Give me some moves. How do you turn Larry on?

How do l turn Larry on? l mean, to get him into bed, of course, l just lay a pizza out...

-No! -...and he comes running.

Really. Seriously.

Well, he likes it when l rub his big, hairy earlobe.

That gets him crazy.

Really?

Yeah, it's a spot of his.

Try it on me.

Try it on you? Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

You know, l just grab it and...

Usually when l do this to Larry, he's like, boing! You know?

-l love it. -You do?

Yeah. Like that?

Sure, sure, yeah, yeah, yeah, work both hands. l like that.

And then you can go to some hair-pulling, right about like that.

-Like that? -Yeah.

Oh, yeah, let him know you're there, know what l mean?

And then the slap out of nowhere is good.

-That is good. -Uh-huh.

Yeah. Not Ultimate Fighting kind of smacking.

-Just light and sexual and fun. -Sorry.

How did you get to be so good at all this? l don't know. A lot of practise l guess. l used to be kind of a jerk.

But then you meet somebody special who makes you not want to be a jerk any more.

Actually, it makes you want to give everything you got to that one person.

Yeah. You know, it's true when women say that all of the good men are either gay or married.

And of course, l'm hanging out with one who's both.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Just for the record, though, if l wasn't so into chubby hubbies or chunky monkeys... What did you say again?

Chubby chaser.

Oh, yeah, yeah. l would be just so all over you.

Oh, come on. No way.

Are you kidding me? Look at you.

You're gorgeous, and you're smart, you're passionate, funny.

l'm just so happy l met you.

Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Friends. Friends forever.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God, what are we doing?

Whoa, whoa, whoa. No, no, no. Hey, hey, Alex. l just never felt this way about a woman before.

Because you're gay.

And you're married. And you're my client.

This is so wrong!

No, it's not about right or wrong, or gay or straight, or hard or soft. lt's...

Wow.

No! l can't see you. l can't see you. Except as a client.

Alex, don't say that. Please? l believe in marriage. l believe in what it represents. l betrayed you. l betrayed Larry! Oh, my God, poor Larry!

Larry, he's a great guy, but l gotta be honest with you, our marriage is...

All he does is watch his baseball games, and, like, l don't even exist any more!

You have to go. l'm sorry.

He hits me, though. l'm so sorry. Please, please, please go.

Hey!

What the hell's going on out here?

Nothing. l'm just draining a few buckets with Eric and Tori over here, making small talk, you know?

You'd think on such a nice day, your husband would want to spend time with his family.

Where is he, anyway? ls he out straight-bashing again?

No, he's at his mother's. He's taking her to the movies.

No, Daddy. He's with that smoking hot lawyer lady he always talks about when you're not around.

He is?

Hey! l just felt a breeze, Mr Valentine, and that breeze is blowing straight towards justice.

Hey, guys, we got a perpetrator lodged in the air duct.

Apparently tried to break in last night, got stuck.

You're the guys from the newspaper, right?

-Yeah, that's us. -All right, well, then you're gonna love this.

The guy got stuck upside-down, so his ass is still hanging out for you.

That's pretty funny. Did your moustache come up with that?

Oh, l'm sorry, l don't speak Gayanese.

Hey, anybody! You gotta get me out of here! l just peed on my face!

All right, relax, buddy, l'm here to help.

Unlike some people around here, who only help themselves.

-Who are you talking about? -You.

Why? What happened?

Fitzer came by today, and Tori told him about your obsession with our hot-ass lawyer.

Obsession? What? What? What is she talking about?

Don't even give me that, Mr l'm Taking My Mom To A Movie.

You know what? Maybe if you were around today, Fitzer would actually think that, l don't know, you like me.

Hey, man, l gotta lie to you!

Thanks to you, l gotta lie to everybody!

Especially Alex! l can't be honest with her! l can't even get close to her. l can't even have freaking fun with her!

Why can't you have fun with me? We always used to have fun. l just...

Because you've changed!

Ever since you forced me to marry you, you're so goddamn controlling.

You don't act like my freaking husband, you act like my boss.

''Don't do this!'' ''Don't do that!'' ''Hey, what time you coming home tonight?''

You're smothering me, man! l can't freaking breathe!

What you guys need is a bubble bath.

Shut up! ldiot, the only reason you're feeling that way is because you're afraid of feeling trapped.

That's what happens when you get married!

Fat-ass, we're not really married! l'm just in some gay, crazy nightmare!

Yeah, that you can't commit to, 'cause you can't commit to anything! l swear to God, l feel like l'm the only one who's trying to make this thing work!

Work! That's right, it's become work! This relationship is work!

Face it, we are not supposed to be together. l found somebody l really want to be with. lnstead of being jealous of that, why don't you do the same?

Because l still love my wife.

Well, move on already.

Your house is like a freaking shrine to Paula!

One of these days you gotta get a real wife, one that your kids don't gotta lie about every two seconds.

No, you can't keep it in your pants for five minutes, and that's why we're so screwed up now!

Whoa, back up, buddy. You know why we're in this jam.

'Cause you can't open your freaking mail!

Everything with Paula's name on it gets tossed in a desk and filed under ''Too painful to deal with''!

Guys, could you at least call another fire department?

What is your rush, idiot? You're going straight to jail anyway.

You know what? l cannot deal with sleeping next to your stupid, ugly face tonight.

So don't bother coming in the bedroom.

Oh, wouldn't dream of it, honey.

You are a lousy best friend and a shitty husband!

Hey! For the record, every time l laughed at one of your jokes, l was faking it.

You're a monster!

Oh, my God, it's Mr February! l love you, l love you, l love you! l love you!

Wow, that's a gay bracelet. l hope Fitzer sees that.

Shut up.

You needed to see us?

Shut the door.

You know, for the first time this month, l pissed without spraying in all three urinals at once, so l was in a relatively good mood.

Until l received this.

Seems the guys in the company took a meeting.

They all signed that petition requesting that l transfer you both out of here.

-What? -And you're gonna listen to these idiots? l'm not gonna do it, but l have to do something to keep the peace.

Now, personally, l think it's just a matter of time before your little act gets busted. Until then, you're on separate shifts.

-What? -Separate shifts?

Hey, we've been together forever!

So were my balls, and now l only have one of them.

Wow.

Valentine, go to work. Levine, go home.

Hey, fellas!

Hey. Heard you guys have been circulating a petition.

You mind if l take a look at it?

Oh, what do you know? l got it right here. lt's impressive. Lot of names.

Let's go down the list, see who we got here.

Nootzie! Hey, you remember that time Chuck and l ran back in that textile plant and dragged your limp body out?

Even though Chuck's leg was broken, like, in three different places? l mean, that was pretty freaking gay of Chuck, huh?

Wow. Renaldo!

Man, l remember your first day on the job.

Remember you were so scared you actually crapped yourself?

And Chuck and l, we snuck you back in here, we cleaned you up so nobody'd find out.

You begged us not to tell anyone, and did we?

Let's ask.

You guys hear that story before right now? Show of hands?

No, but it's hilarious.

Yeah, it is hilarious.

Tony! Nice signature.

Hey, is that the same one you used to endorse the cheque that Chuck gave you when you gambled away your mortgage payment on college football? l guess his money wasn't too gay to bail you out or keep your wife from leaving you again.

Again? l guess Chuck's not enough of a man to work next to big strong heroes like you guys.

Oh, look at that. Fire.

Well, l hope it's not a bad one, 'cause the faggot who's been saving your sorry asses is now, thanks to you, working on another shift. Let's go!

''That's when Sadie said, '''Love will always help you find your way home.'''

Sleeping. Sleeping.

That was easy.


Paula, you know l love you.

l gotta.

Hey. l'm sorry.

Me, too.

That stuff l said... l know.

Can l sleep in the bed tonight?

l'd like that.

All right.

-Come here. -Yeah.

Handle with care.

Larry...

Don't let him sleep on top of me again, Larry.

Don't do the voice. l will kill you, l swear.

Okay, then.

Hey! Hey, hey!

You ready for your big day, little man?

Big day?

My audition, Dad. Me and Uncle Chuck have been practicing for weeks.

He wanted to work with you, but l was around, so...

Why don't you do one last rehearsal, let your father play the Annie role?

Fabulicious! l'll get my music!

Did you hear that? lt's fabulicious!

-Hey, come on, come on. -Okay.

May, me, my, mo, mo me, my, mo, may Anything you can do, I can do better I can do anything better than you

-No, you can't -Yes, I can

-No, you can't -Yes, I can No, you can't Yes, I can, yes, I can Yes, he can! Hit it!

There's my star!

Turn it around, and a flip, flip, flip, flippety-flip and a skip.

Double-time!

And a Russian split!

Oh, you nailed it!

My kid is pretty awesome.

There's only one guy l know who can dance better than that.

-Who? -The homeless guy from our wedding.

That dude was pretty good. Yeah!

Balls and wieners.

Is it true?

Alex?

Look at this.

Sixteen depositions from women who claim to have slept with you over the last year and a half.

Just 16?

Thank God the 500 other ones couldn't read or write.

Wait a minute. You knew about him and all these women?

Alex, know what it is? We've been through this before.

Chuck's...

He's got a bit of a problem.

He messes around with women because he's ashamed of being gay.

Now, is it all just about you, or do you really just don't consider anybody else's feelings?

No, l don't. l'm just a big gay jerk.

-What are you doing? -You know you like that.

Guys, guys, the shit is about to hit the fan, okay?

And if l'm gonna defend you, l have to know the truth.

You have to look me in the eyes and tell me that you are gay and that this marriage is legitimate.

Alex, we're gay, okay?

And we are married.

lt's real.

Can you help us out?

Okay.

Okay. This investigation is gonna get rough.

They are gonna quiz you about every detail of your lives, every aspect of your relationship.

But since you guys are telling the truth, then l'm sure you'll be fine.

Just for the record, l thought this was a man when l was with her.

Does that help us out at all?

Let's go over it again. Your birthday?

April 26th. Taurus.

Got it.

Yours?

September 9th. Virgo.

How about your favourite brand of underwear?

That would be Mr Calvin Klein. l can tell you my least favourite.

Whoa!


l love you, Mr February!

You're going down! You're an abomination! Homo!

l'm on fire! Help me!

We're all with you, Larry!

Fear the queer!

Thou shalt not lie with men!

All right, Mr February, let's go show these guys how married we are.

What the heck?

What are you guys doing here?

We're here to apologise and back you up, like you always did for us.

Yeah, we all lost a lot of friends on this job that we will never get back.

We don't want to lose two more because we were being thickheaded.

Yeah. We're partners for life.

Not partners like youse two, but you know what l mean.

Yeah. l love youse guys.

That's all right, man.

Molest him! No, l'm just kidding. l'm kidding you, Nootz. l'm kidding.

-Hey, Chuckie. -Yeah?

-l gotta ask you something. l mean... -What's up?

...why'd you pick Larry? l mean, l work out, l tweeze my unibrow.

Am l not good-looking enough for you or some shit?

No, no, no. Renaldo, you're just not my type.

You're a 10. l just like them chubby. That's my thing.

l'm a 10!

You hear that? l'm a 10!

On a scale to 100.

You're just jealous 'cause gay guys like me.

Good morning, everyone. l'm Daniel Banks, City Council President, and l'll be presiding over these proceedings. lt's going to be a long day, so let's dispense with the preliminaries and just get started. Mr Fitzer.

Thank you, Your Councilship.

lt's for later.

Mr Valentine, please tell us why you married Mr. Levine.

Love.

Yeah, yeah, that's what l'm talking about! Gay love!

Please sit down, sir.

Sorry.

-Mr Levine. -Yeah.

Sixteen local women claim to have had sexual relations with you as recently as mid-April, including four Canadian strippers the morning of your ''marriage.''

That's true. l did have sexual relationships with them girls, but l was kind of having a commitment issue.

Larry's forgiven me for that.

And that's all that counts to me is what Larry thinks.

That's right, Fitzer, you suck!

One more and you're out, sir.

Sorry, sir, you're cool. He sucks. l'm gay. l'm out. All right.

We should question them ex parte.

-Gentlemen. -Yeah?

At this time, we'd like to interview you individually.

Mr Levine, please step outside.

Yeah. No problem.

l'll miss you. l'll miss you, too, buddy. l like it rough!

One for the road.

Like it rough. l did the cooking until Chuck moved in.

The toilet was thankful.

He ain't the greatest chef in the world. l'm Wolfgang Puck to his Wolfgang Suck.

We met back in the fire academy in 1987. l was top of our class.

He burned off his eyebrows first day. Gone.

Larry tried to eat the fire, l remember that.

His favourite song, Don't Fear the Reaper, Blue Oyster Cult.

You're BeautifuI by James Blunt. And people think l'm the woman.

You're beautifuI Just gets me every time. l don't know.

You're beautifuI That is a nice song.

The thing he likes most about me is probably my love handles.

All of them. l'd say my sweet, sensitive eyes, like that of a kitten.

The worst day we ever had on the job?

This little kid fell in a swimming pool.

Chuck was the first one there. l dove in.

He pulled him out. l worked on him.

Worked on him, worked on him, but...

And Larry stayed with me all that night. l just couldn't get that kid out of my head.

When my wife died...

That was the worst.

...l collapsed.

He knew it was coming, but...

What we have, it's beyond friendship.

He's the best man l know. l'd do anything for him. l love him. l love him.

What's going on? How'd you do? lt was good. lt was no problem.

You want me to grab those? See if they're real again? l'm sorry? l says are we done yet?

Not quite. They want to talk to the kids.

Now, why don't you tell us about their sleeping arrangements?

Dad and Uncle Chuck sleep in the same bed.

Do you know why?

'Cause they do everything together.

Just like Will and Grace.

lt is kind of an unusual situation, isn't it?

Having two fathers? l don't have two fathers.

l have my daddy, and Uncle Chuck is more like a mommy, 'cause to me he seems like a girl.

Why am l the woman? l don't get it.

Okay, that's all, thank you.

Bottlenose dolphins.

Orcas, grey whales, harbour seals and West lndian manatees.

Huh?

Species that sometimes mate with the same sex.

Bottlenose dolphins, orcas, grey whales, harbour seals and West lndian manatees. l didn't know that. But now l'm glad l do.

Thank you, my dear.

Remind me never to go skinny-dipping with the bottlenose dolphins.

l just have to say that as a fellow gay fireman...

He's gay, too?

That's right, fellas, l'm gay.

You guys have a problem with that?

No, no problem. You do whatever you like. Yeah.

And Chuck and Larry, you've inspired me to want to find my soul mate.

Wherever he may be.

Hey, l'm a 10. l'm a 10.

You're not my type. Sorry.

Fitzer, can we wrap this up? l just have one more question to ask, if these gentlemen would indulge me for a moment.

By all means, Mr Fitzer.

Chuck, Larry, would you say that there's a fair amount of passion in your relationship?

Absolutely.

More passion than you can imagine, buddy.

-Yes. -How wonderful.

Now, if you'd be so kind, l'd like you to kiss each other.

You'd like to... What was that?

Councilman Banks, my clients have been more than accommodating.

And to ask for a display of intimacy in the middle of a crowded room is simply demeaning. l'm afraid l have to agree. We seem to have gone from a hearing about fraud to some kind of weird gay witch hunt. l'm just saying, Your Exellegance, that if these two men are as in love as they say they are, l don't see why this should be a problem. l'm just asking for one kiss, Councilman.

Yeah! Come on, fellas, show them how real men kiss! Come on! l will not stand for it! This is unbelievable! No. Absolutely not.

Hey, come on, no. The Councilman agreed. lt's demeaning to us.

Plus, we don't want to get you all horny. Me and this guy, we... lt could get steamy.

Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!

Order.

Order!

Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! l'm not doing this, Alex.

You know what? Just go for it.

-Well? -Order!

l guess it's showtime.

Going in straight...

Coming out gay?


Enough! l'd rather change my grandfather's diaper than see two straight guys kissing.

But we're not straight.

We're not. We're in gay love, Captain!

-Can't you deal with that? -Oh, shut up. lf these gentlemen are gay, then l'm a one-legged parrot.

Anybody seen me with a crutch and a cracker? l didn't think so.

And who might you be, sir?

Captain Phineas J. Tucker, Councilman.

You may search my record. l hold multiple citations from Mayor Dinkins, Mayor Koch and, of course, the great Mayor Giuliani.

And let me tell you something. These men definitely broke the rules.

They lied on a government form and they swore it was true, which is despicable.

But interestingly enough, Excellency, even though they were deceitful to us all, l actually believe they ended up doing some good.

What good are you speaking of, Captain?

Well, first off, they let us know that when a friend is in need, you go beyond extraordinary lengths to help out.

Whenever, whatever. That's the code.

Then they apparently inspired fellow firefighter Fred G. Duncan to come out of his super-sized closet, thus releasing his rage and preventing what looked like to be an inevitable killing spree.

And most importantly, they showed us that no matter whom we choose to love, be they heterosexual, homosexual, asexual, bisexual, trisexual, quadrisexual, pansexual, transsexual, omnisexual, or that thing where the chick ties the belt around your neck and tinkles on a balloon, it has absolutely nothing to do with who we are as people.

lt's true, Councilman Banks.

Let them know.

We're not gay.

No.

Unfortunately, we hurt people, people we wouldn't want to hurt in a million years, by doing what we did.

For the record, the word ''faggot,'' that's a bad word.

Don't use it. l used to say it more than anybody, but l was ignorant. lt's hurtful. lt's like ''kike'' for me.

Or ''fat boy'' for me.

lt stings a little when you poke fun of my weight.

-l didn't know that. -Yeah, sometimes it...

-l only do it 'cause you do it. -l know, but l work hard...

What is this? Gays of Our Lives?

Shall we cue the violins?

This isn't a folk concert, it's a hearing.

And l believe l hear the sound of two felons going to jail for stealing from the City of New York.

What exactly have we stolen? Nothing!

Due to a weird rule in a flawed system, my friend Larry here had to create this lie.

The system may be flawed at times, Mr Feb-blueberry.

''l'm in a calendar!''

But it's the law. And we all have to abide by it.

l'm sorry, but you did break the law.

Oh, God.

Daddy!

Councilman Banks. Councilman.

Well, you better have cuffs for three, because l'm going to jail with them.

How is that, Captain? l'm a co-conspirator. l knew all about this little scam from day one, and l didn't say a thing about it.

-Captain! -You don't have to do this. Please.

Yeah, he didn't know nothing.

Fine. l'll have all three of you arrested.

Slap some cuffs on me, 'cause l helped them plan the wedding. l drove them to the airport. l picked out Chuck's dress.

Yeah, l knew about it.

Dress? Why does everybody assume l'm the woman? ls it the way l walk? What is it?

And l caught the bouquet! ln my mouth. l liked it.

See, that's the way it works with us firemen, sir.

You throw one of us in the fire, we all go rushing in.

You throw one of us in jail, you gotta throw the whole lot of us in jail.

So? What's it gonna be?

Everything would have been fine if you'd just let me and Larry make out like we were gonna.

Then you had to go all Knute Rockne on us. l am your commanding officer. l will not be addressed in that manner.

Not in here you're not, you porcupine-head.

No, in here you're the big mouth who got us locked up.

We should whup your ass!

-Yeah! -Yeah!

That's right.

Hey, Chuck.

Jeez, Larry. What?

Free Chuck and Larry! Free Chuck and Larry!

What?

Yo, dum-dums! You got a visitor.

Well, gentlemen, that was quite a hearing.

Mr Levine, Mr Valentine.

All right.

The city would like to offer you a deal.

We're willing to drop all charges and allow you to keep your benefits, with two conditions.

One, you plead guilty to falsifying a government form.

The charge is reduced to a misdemeanor, you get a slap on the wrist, and the city saves face.

-Done. -Done. Absolutely.

Two, you are celebrities in the gay community now.

They've obviously not only accepted your apology, they think you're heroes.

Now, raising money for AlDS research is still very crucial, and the community has figured out a way for you all to help.

-Whatever it takes. -Yeah.

-What do you need us to do? -We're in.


These two guys right here talking about doing something pretty serious.

Making a commitment to love each other forever.

Now before, they were on the down-low, living a life that was a lie.

Now, in a lie, it's like a circle. lt never ends.

You know? lt's not like a rectangle.

'Cause that has a bunch of, you know, places that stop.

This one is a big circle of...

Okay, you know, wrap up the circle thing. Come on.

Moving on. l'm gonna move quicker now.

Do you, Kevin ''Butterfly'' McDonough, take Fred G. Duncan to be your lawful wedded partner? l dizoo.

And do you, Fred G. Duncan, take this guy over here to be your lawfully wedded partner? l do.

Well, then, by the power vested in me by the Commonwealth of Canada and the Province of Ontario, which has always been very pro-gay, unlike that uptight country to the south, it's my pleasure to now pronounce you husband and husband, partners for life.


There's my lawyer.

You don't wanna dance, do you? l don't think so.

Your brother forgave me. Now, why can't you?

Well, my brother wasn't the one that you felt up under false pretences.

You mean you only let me touch your boobs 'cause you thought l was gay?

That's sexist. l could bring that to the courtroom. You could be my lawyer.

Look at Larry, though.

Looks like he took my advice and moved on.

Which is great for him, but l don't have anybody to hang out with any more. l mean, these bracelets here... lt says, ''Friends forever.''

l haven't taken this thing off since we made them that day. You?

Yeah, that's what l thought.

Well, you've got about 30 seconds before l come to my senses.

-Really? -Yes.

And this is my jam, too. Come on.

What a delicious-looking cake!

Oh, maybe Tori would like to try it.

That's nice. You gay, her father. lt's nice.

No, l'm not gay. This is Larry's daughter, Tori.

Oh, it's okay, man. You can come out of the down-low. l don't have to come out! l'm married.

Which one's your husband? You point him out.

No, no! The lady in there.

Which guy?

No, no guy. No.

Hey, you know when you lie, it's like a circle. l'm not lying!