Ideal Home (2018) Script

Albuquerque police. Open the door, please.

Dad, wake up, wake up. Wake up!

Albuquerque police, open up.

Fuck.

All right, we gotta go. All right.

Get your shoes on.

Open up.

Piece of shit knocks me around, then steals my Chanel purse?

That was real fucking Chanel!

I have some Chanel loafers that I love, so I totally get it.

Open up, please, right now.

Why am I doing this? Stop asking questions.

That's good. That's good.

Oh, goddamn it. What's happening?

Oh. Goddamn it.

Inside the cover of that Bible, there's an address in Santa Fe.

Get in a cab and go there. No!

Listen, it's better than Child Protective Services.

You gotta trust me on that one.

All right, hey, look at me.

I know I'm not the best dad in the world, all right, but I love you.

Goddamn it.

Hey!

What the hell was that for?

You fucked everything up!

Get down on the ground! Down on the ground!

I'm not resisting! I'm not resisting!


Oh, hello! And good morning.

Have you never been invited to a ranchero breakfast?

Well, my friends, on this glorious day, you are in luck.

Because we... Are you okay?

You're leaning.

It's a Western saddle.

I can't sit forward like the English.

Cowboys sit back on their haunches up against the cantle.

Oh! Ugh!

Oh, God.

Are you okay? Yeah. I think so.

You know, we don't have to do the scene on horseback.

I want to. It's... it's important.

It adds to the masculinity. It adds to the grandeur.

Well, that's true.

Are you being facetious? Mm-hmm.

Here you go. Thank you.

Thank you so much.

You are a gentleman. You really are.

God knows they're in short supply around here.

Oh, my God.

Would you quit flirting with him?

It makes him feel awkward, and he's straight.

No, it makes you feel awkward, and he's gay.

Well, it makes everyone feel awkward watching you act like a weird old woman.

No, you're a weird old woman.

You want to know something?

I could've worked for Rachel Ray, and she's nice.

How about we just take it from the first line?

I'd be delighted.

All right, everyone back to one.

Step aside, son.


This is a Basque oven paddle that I have repurposed as a tapas tray.

I like to serve my stuffed paquillo peppers on the back of a horse.

Mind you, a vaquero breakfast needn't be on a vast rancho.

When we return, I'll show you how you can cook some of this gorgeous food in your own little kitchen.

Ciao.

Dig in, amigos.

Manny, you old cock hound. I didn't see you there.

You can't say "cock hound" on basic cable.

Cut.

Get rid of the terra-cotta pots. Yuck.

Ditto the galvanized tin.

Please, please remove the ghastly bandannas from the goblets.

You, young man, put your camera there pointing that way.

Look at him.

He's like the gay Butch Cassidy except not Butch.

If only we had a producer who understood that objects exist in a space.

Wouldn't that be wonderful?

If only you came to production meetings to communicate your ideas in advance.

Oh, but that would cut into your rigorous drinking and masturbation schedule.

Do you guys do this at home?

Oh, no, we don't get along this well at home.

Why don't you leave him?

I probably will.

But, you know, part of me wants to stick around just to watch him die.

Oh, can we call a truce?

Yes.

Thank you.

Finally.

Finally?

When have you ever called for a truce?

You realize you're starting an argument about a truce.

I think you are manipulative and passive-aggressive, and the truce starts now.

Ah! My favorite Mexicans. Me llamo Mexico.

So we just got back from Machu Picchu, and there's nothing there. Not impressed. Not impressed.

It just looks like the Flintstones village.

I'm like, "This is it? This is it?"

Not impressed. Zero stars. What do you like?

I like Epcot.

Bobby Flay, I like him as a person.

You know he's one of my best friends.

No, no, no don't get me wrong.

He's got a wonderful face and, you know... marvelous chutzpah.

Are you from LA?

I'm the mayor.

Wait, what?

Of Santa Fe. Oh, I love that.

This close to the border of Syria.

You can hear the gunfire.

You hear people screaming. Terrifying.

But the za'atar chicken was the best I've ever had.

Mouthwatering. And the screaming children didn't bother the food at all?

Apples and oranges. You got to eat.

It's the city of holy faith...

Oh. Santa Fe.

That's so cool. I love that.

And I'm like, "Hey, asshole, the fucking Dalai Lama gave me that purse."

Ladies and gentlemen, please join me in a toast to two of the finest hosts in Santa Fe.

What am I talking about? The world.

Paul, Erasmus.

And if I may interrupt there, Mr. Mayor, let's not forget all the little people, all the worker bees out there whoever they are.

The little people. Hear, hear.

Well put.

I am with such an asshole.

I love an asshole. So to speak.

Cheers to that.

Cheers to that! Double cheers!


I mean, it is Santa Fe, right? It's a little on the nose.

I just get sick of all the turquoise.

It gets a little over... I mean, no disrespect.

You look great. Thanks.

Yeah. Oh, hello, who are you?

Um...

Oh. Erasmus.

Well, someone can't spell my name.

"Dear Arosmus. This is your grandson."

Is... Is your father here?

Was he here? Has he gone? Wh...?

What's your name? Um, do you have a name?

Um, can we get another chair, please?

Please.

Is that all you have with you?

Well, we've got a Bible.

Some cash. And a bag of cocaine.

Hmm.

All anyone really needs in life, eh?

No clothes, I see.

I'll call the store. They're about to close.

Oh. Oh, good.

Um, everyone, it would appear this little chap is my grandson.

The truth is, Sandy Koufax had a huge dong.

Really? Huge dong. Legendary.

Legendarily huge dong. Is that true?

That is true. For a Jew.

Excuse me.

You have a grandson?

It's unbelievable, isn't it?

I mean, look. I've had no work done.

I only found out you had a son a few years ago.

He's estranged. I told you about him.

No, not really.

Well, back in the '80s when I was experimenting, I had a liaison with a woman which resulted in a baby... yuck... which she wanted to keep.

And... This is all very murky.

I was probably off my tits on Quaaludes.

Remember them? What a blast.

Anywho, before you came along, darling, I had a son called Bo who dropped out of school, developed a drug problem.

He even OD'ed at my book launch in New York.

No. How embarrassing for you.

Well, it was. Anna Wintour was there.

Wait. Where's the father?

According to the note, he's in jail.

Yes, he's in jail.

So he's moving in? Just keep an eye on him.

We can't have a kid.

We couldn't even handle that little rat bastard Yorkshire Terrier.

Thank God for that coyote.

Problem solved, but a kid's too much.

Calm down, I'm sure someone from Social Services will turn up on the doorstep and tell us where we stand.

Just take one of your pills.

Why don't you take one of your pills?

That reminds me.

What are we going to do about this?

I mean, I don't do cocaine anymore, but it seems such a dreadful waste.

We could put it in one of Tatyana's charity auctions.

Perfect. I'm kidding.

We'd go to jail.

Oh. Do you want a blow job?

We have guests. Yes, you're right.

Have a good night, guys. Thanks so much.

Hey. So people are going so you can deal with the kid.

No. Don't go, Kate.

No. I have a bleaching in the morning.

For my teeth.

Everyone is leaving.

This is the worst thing that's ever happened to me.

Just tell us what you want, and someone will make it for you.

I want Taco Bell.

Let's just go to the kitchen. Maybe we can...

Don't touch me!

It's all right. It's okay.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Okay, would you nut up for second?

Here's what you're going to do.

You're going to get the mayor a shot of mescal.

You're going to ask the editor of El Decor to dance.

I'm going to tell Gustavo to play some tangos and get Tino to take that feral child the Taco Bell.

Then you're going to go to the front door, tell everybody to come back because you got me a birthday cake, we're going to sing, and there's cocaine.

Yes, but I haven't, and it's not your birthday.

It is your birthday.

Go. Go. Go.

Hey, everyone!

I've got cocaine and birthday cake!


Well, this would be the point where you say, "Erasmus, it's marvelous!"

It's like staying at a five-star resort!

I look like a fucking asshole in these.

All right, come on.

Bedtime. Let's go.

Lights on or off?

I don't care.

Hey, hey...

Never say that.

You should always care passionately about every single choice you make in your life.

Good night.

We're locking our doors.

That kid scares the shit out of me.

Oh, I think he's sweet. Really?

Well, people thought Jeffrey Dahmer was sweet till he raped them and ate them.

Ew.

I'm sure it's just a temporary arrangement.

What if it's not?

Well, would that be such a bad thing?

My parents were such drunkaholic messes.

I was 11 years old before I realized my father's name wasn't "that fucking bastard."

Heh. You told me that joke before.

I'm so sorry. I'll try and work on some new material.

Thank you.

They were terrible parents, and I don't want to be a terrible parent.

No one's asking you to be. Oh, God.

I feel like I'm going to have one of my things.

What things? My panic things.

I shouldn't have done blow. I'm such a douchebag.

Well, take one of your pills. I did.

You know, the editor of El Decor was dancing like her life depended on it.

If she'd gone home early, the party would've been a disaster.

We should check in, make sure everything's okay.

What, with the editor?

Hmm? No, the kid.

Oh, he'll be fast asleep.

We should check in, make sure he hasn't stolen anything.

What the hell?

Hey, kid? What's his name again?

I told you a dozen times, I don't know.

Kid! K...

Should I call the police?

No, it's okay, they're all here. They're safe.

No, not because of your kachina doll collection.

Because the kid is missing. Oh. Paul.

Maybe one of us should take the car into town and have a look around. Meaning me?

Well, one of us has got to stay here.

Meaning you?

Erasmus.

Thank God.

I need a drink. Oh, God.

Hey.

Hey, hey.

It's okay.

You gave us a scare, kid.

Get away from me, you fag.

So what'd the lawyer say?

Nothing, really, just that the father is in custody, the mother is dead, and they're gonna send someone round from Social Services.

We can't have a kid. We don't like kids.

Stop calling him a kid. He's a child. A kid a baby goat.

I'd rather have a baby goat. Baby goats are cute.

Baby goats won't come and visit you when you're old and lonely.

Besides, didn't you organize that Mexican children charity or something?

Look, I love helping children in the abstract, but I don't want one in the house.

Hmm.

Well, at any rate, we have to send it to school.

Really? Yeah, it's the law.

And it gets him out of the house for the day.

Hello.

Oh, hello.

We would like to enroll this young man.

All right. And what is his name?

Would you excuse us, please?

Oh, I see you've discovered one of my favorite contraptions.

These are such fun. Let's have a look.

Hmm. You might want to vary your expression a bit.

Scoot along. Join in with me if you like.

I like to do one happy... one angry... one silly... and one just looking off into the middle distance, thinking about something.

Now we've got a bit of an awkward wait.

Oh, look at those. We're hilarious.

What would you like to do now?


Having a party?

No.


And where have you been?

Ugh. In the editing room.

Trying to make something viable out of your insane on-camera ramblings.

Paul, do you know that huge store called Way Mart or Mall Mart, something on Cirrillos?

Yeah, of course. It's owned by some crazy conservatives.

You shouldn't shop there.

I thought it was nirvana.

Everything was so inexpensive.

The effect was intoxicating.

As intoxicating as that giant tumbler of tequila?

Yes. But in a different way.

He should be in bed. Why?

Because it's 2:00 in the morning.

He doesn't have school in the morning.

I know, because we haven't enrolled him because we don't know his name.

Have a tequila.

Oh. I'm so tired.

Oh. I'm so tired.

Hey, kid.

I know you're having fun, but it's very late.

Why don't you turn off the TV? Let's get you to bed.

Thanks, buddy.

Mañana, piranha.

Are you mad at me?

Paul?

Getting a nightcap?

Some tea.

Did you see the photo for the dust jacket?

Yes, I did.

What do you think?

This is why you need me.

You really, really should have let me look over these before you chose the cover, because you look like a person with a mental handicap.

No creature smiles this hard in all of nature.

I do. When you make me laugh.

Oh.

That was cruel.

The kettle's boiling. So to speak.

Fuck the tea.

Yay.

Well, hello.

I assume the kid got to you okay.

Yes. Yes, he's here with me now.

You brought him here?

Yes, of course. He wants to see you.

What, are you insane? He can't see me like this.

Don't be ridiculous.

Want a Rolo?

That's littering.

So?

So, we don't do that.

Pick it up.

Pick it up.

Don't bring him back here. It's gonna screw him up in the head.

Like every decision you haven't made already hasn't screwed him up.

Hey, I don't need any shit from you.

You're going to take it, young man, because Paul and I are looking after your child.

Who is Paul? Paul is my male companion, and he has been for the last 10 years.

You have the problem with that?

No.

Oh. Well, anyway, we brought him here so that you could see each other and to reassure you that he's being well taken care of in your absence.

You're welcome.

What would I thank you for?

Where were you when I was 10 years old?

I could've used you then.

And now you come back here with your scarf around your neck and think you're saving the day?

It's called kerchief.

You're not the hero of me and my son's story, all right?

You're a last resort.

Wait. What's his name?

I wrote it in the Bible.

Wait. What?

So, it turns out the county won't allow visits from children today.

But the lady out front said that it was...

Without additional paperwork.

Oh.

I have a great idea.

Why don't we go to a video arcade and then get some ice cream? Yeah.

Or we could go to the Georgia O'Keeffe Museum, and afterwards have a nice salad.

Yes! Yes! Yes! Fuck you!

You saw that, didn't you?! Nice shot! Nice shot!

Yes!

Excuse me... sweetheart.

We don't fold throws. It's too fussy.

We want it be more casual, so we drape it like a woman reclining, thus.

Yes, you mustn't make it seem as if you put too much thought into it. Exactly so.

It shouldn't look like it's been placed there.

It should look like it's... Just appeared.

Yes, like a... Cyst.

...rainbow or a... Cancer cell.

Wildflower.

Perfect. That's wrong.

Excuse us. Uh. Excuse me.

Look, the Bible.

Hmm.

From Bo, remember? He said he left a note.

Oh, yeah, sorry. I thought you'd found God.

Um, "It's Bo. Remember me? This is grandson.

"Mother is dead. I got trouble/jail.

Take care of him. He's Angel."

He's really got something against articles of speech.

Angel...

Is your name Angel?

Why didn't you tell us?

I don't like it.

No one likes their name.

No, can you imagine how I felt on my first day at school when the teacher called out a Erasmus Dickey Brumble?

What's wrong with Angel? It's gay.

It is a little gay.

What would you like to be called?

Bill.

Then Bill you shall be.

You can't just change his name because he wants to change it.

Why not? Yeah, why not?

All right, fine, Bill it is. But one question.

Why didn't you just tell us you wanted to be called Bill from the outset?

Because I just thought of it.

I've been trying to think of a name.

What difference does it make?

It makes a difference because for two weeks, we've been calling him "kid" and we haven't put him in school.

No problem, just from now on, communicate.

Yeah, communicate.

Don't, don't, don't, don't!

Don't do that!

All the fucking time you do that!

You make me look like an idiot in front of the crew, in front of the kid!

The kid's got a name. He's call...

Sorry, what was your name?

It's Bill!

Uh, Paul? Paul, wait, we need you.

Well, can you make an exception in my case?

Perhaps it would make a difference if I was to tell you my name was Erasmus Bumble.

I present to cookery program and... Oh, sod it.

Taco Bell don't deliver. I can't get a hold of Paul.

Hello, Paul, it's me.

You made your point quite eloquently.

Please come home.

I have made you cochinita pibil with homemade tortilla.

I've offered to make you anything from the finest ingredients known to man.

Taco Bell.

Fine.

All right.

Total capitulation.

Shit.

This is raccoon.

It's by the building that's brown, and its square, and it has these little logs on the roof.

In case you hadn't noticed, you just described every fucking building in Santa Fe.

Wait, there it is!

Oh, great.

♪♪ I'm glad we made it To Taco Bell ♪♪ Come on, come on, come on!

Hi, welcome to Taco Bell. My name's Leticia.

How can I help you?

Hello, Leticia. My name is Erasmus.

And this is my grandson Bill.

Can I have the Crunch Wrap Supreme with bacon and the Nachos BellGrande?

Sure.

And for you, sir?

I'm sorry, I am mesmerized by the divergent culinary concepts at play here.

Cheesy Gordita Crunch.

Fiery Doritos Locos Tacos Supreme.

I mean, it's like Mexican jazz music.

Are you a Erasmus Brumble? I am indeed.

I heard that you called earlier.

I love your books and your TV show, and, well, what are you doing here?

Well, if you like my books and my TV show, what are you doing here?

Are you going to order something?

I'd love to see the wine list first, please.

He wasn't joking.

You like it?

Oh, Bill, I've seen the light.

What?

Well, have a think.

What's the happiest you've ever been?

One time with my dad, he took me to the mountains, and we shot squirrels.

Hmm.

Well, for me, sitting here sharing this taco with you, is that good.

But there's got to be a better table than this.

How long have you been sitting alone here in the dark?

Uh... 10 years.

It's been a nightmare since you've been away.

Bill and I have been crying our eyes out.

Isn't that right, Bill? No, it was fine.

We went to Taco Bell.

Why don't you trot off to bed, little man?

We can't have a kid.

We are kids.

Well, that's not true.

You're more of a kid than me.

Do I have a sense of play?

Oh, uh, yeah.

But you're a man.

You're a great big hulking Paleolithic beast of a man.

You're talking about my ass.

No.

Look at me.

You have the biggest heart of any man I know.


Is everything all right?

Yes, everything's fine.

Can I have Chunky Monkey?

Yes, of course.

Where is it?

It's in the freezer in the kitchen.

There isn't any there. I looked.

No, it's in the freezer in the garage!

It's in the garage!

The one with all the Kevin Costner magnets on it!

Who's Kevin "Coster"?

He was in that film. What was it called?

It doesn't matter. It doesn't matt...

It's doesn't matter.

It's the only freezer that's in the garage.

Okay.

Good night.

Do you want some?

No, thank you.

Okay.

Oh, Dances with Wolves!

We gotta make him lunch.

We have to make him lunch.

We have to make him lunch.

Taco Bell.

Pepperoni pizza. No.

Come on, man, look. It's got... tongue twisters, jokes, and more mixed-up fun inside.

No.

Oh, God...

All right. Last offer.

A 2-pound bag of Sour Patch Kids for lunch.

Candy is for dessert.

You got all the flavors.

Blue.

Please.

Uh, we're still serving breakfast.

For how long?

Uh... Another 45 minutes.

Oh, fuck you.

Has it been 45 minutes yet?

No, it's been two.

I want 20 crunch wraps with bacon, please.

Twenty? Twenty.

Why'd you get 20 of 'em?

Because I'm gonna freeze them and then thaw them out every morning.

That's... not going to work.

And it's weird.

Why can't I just take them to school in a Taco Bell bag?

Because I've written articles for Server magazine.

Do you know what that is? No.

Get the fuck out of my car.

Mmm.

So the bartender says, "No? You don't know?

You walk him and pitch to the rhino."

Why are you wearing chaps at dinner?

These used to belong to Roy Rogers.

Please. Even though I don't believe in reincarnation, I am becoming more and more convinced that in a previous life, I was a cattle rustler.

You just said you don't believe in reincarnation.

I can rustle cattle. I roped a steer.

You couldn't rope Ethel Merman.

Bill, do you like the place?

Seriously, tell them what time you go to bed.

Whenever I want. Oh...

I want Erasmus and Paul to be my granddaddys.

You like Erasmus's cooking? No, it's gross.

Where is your dad?

He's in jail for beating up a hooker.

Where does he get this stuff?

He's actually not kidding about that.

Oh. Heh.

Um, well, where's your mom?

She was a drug addict.

And she took too many drugs one night.

And she fell off the balcony.

It was four stories high.

Where were you when this happened?

In the next room.

Well, the good news is I've made a pear tart.


Hi.

Hi.

I'm Melissa Enright with Child Protective Services.

Hi. Hey, come... come... come on in.

Thank you. Yeah.

This is the first of several mandated visits by the CPS of New Mexico.

Fantastic.

When a single parent is arrested, there's an inquiry initiated by CPS.

He's been here for 10 weeks.

We're backlogged.

So is he here?

Who's that?

Erasmus, this is, uh...

Melissa. Melissa.

From Child Protective Services.

Oh, shit.

Uh, hello, Melissa, I'm Erasmus.

So, yeah, Bill's around. And you haven't seen...

I don't know. I just got up.

Is anything wrong?

No, Melissa.

Welcome to our humble country abode.

I'll just going to put some coffee on.

Ooh. It's good coffee.

Yes, also good if we find the child.

Oh, here he is.

Right where we sometimes find him.

Hello.

Yeah, he likes to be called Bill.

So they take me to school every morning, and then they pick me up every afternoon.

Together? They both go?

It's usually Paul.

No, it's always Paul.

Has anything happened here at home that frightened or disturbed you?

No.

Are you sure?

Like what?

Like any hitting or yelling?

Mm, not really.

Not really?

You're not sure?

I mean no.

Have you seen anything that confused you?

Certain kinds of touching that made you uncomfortable?

No.

It seems like something happened that you don't want to talk to me about.

But you can tell me anything.

Can't I just show you?

Of course.

Those flat shoes. Flap, flap, flap, flap, flap.

They're so flat, it actually makes her shorter.

It's not even an inch. It's completely flat.

Everything all right?

Totally fine. What a large room.

The hell does that mean?

I hate her.

Excuse me...

Would both of you come this way, please?

Do you think she heard us calling her a dumb bitch?

Hope she hasn't found the porn. Heh.

Yeah, I mean, most of the places I go are really horrific.

So when I saw this house, I was like, "Lucky kid."

But you can't give a kid porno.

Yes, but the thing is, they are all Paul's.

What? No, they're not.

Some of them.

You know, we keep this locked up.

The thing about a lock is, it has no meaning if there's a key in it.

Is that Confucius? Heh.

No, that's true.

I was just trying to find ET.

Hey. ET. Bill!

Classic Spielberg. Weaver of dreams. Oh.

I love when his finger lights up.

That's how you can tell he's an alien.

And his face. And his face.

Bill, would you give us a moment?

Sex Wars: Phantom Ass.

It's just a phase he was going through.

Yeah, I'm kind of a Star Wars guy.

Bareback Mountain?

What they do is take a recognized title and just give it a bit of a cheeky twist.

I get it. It's unusual in that the source material is also... gay.

Buttpluggerz. We're throwing them all out.

There's so much online. What did I just say?

Is it okay if I come back?

Yes, any time.

Great, good, because I will be back.

We long for you to return.

Late mornings generally are best.

One last thing.

It really feels like you should be cooking something nutritious for Bill at home, not just grabbing fast food, especially given your line of work.

It's not me. It's him. That's great advice.

Thank you so much for that input.

Have a good day.

What a queer fish.

Uh, yeah.

Does he have friends outside of school?

Uh, two of us.

Household employees.

Staff.

Anyone his age?

Uh, well, there's Tino.

Oh, good, Tino. How old is Tino?

24.

No, he doesn't really.

I would like to refer you to a developmental therapist here in Santa Fe.

Are you saying he's insane? No, no, no, of course not.

But treatment can benefit someone who's been living with an unstable personality.

Maybe I should get some treatment.

Of course, if you feel that you...

He's joking. I...

In any event, I have a very important harvest-abundance episode of my television program to record.

So if you've nothing further to say, I'll take my leave, and if you could find the time to teach him how to spell, add and subtract, that would suffice.

Un-fucking-believable.

She's just trying to do her job, Paul.

Not her. You, you dumb dick.

What? He should be making friends.

My God, after everything he's been...

What concern is it of yours? Excuse me?

You've expressed how little interest you have in him.

Mm-hmm, and I pick him up from school every day.

And I appreciate your efforts, but you made it abundantly clear you don't want to be saddled with the responsibility.

Well, I am saddled with the responsibility.

When he first arrived I thought, oh, I don't know how we're going to handle... Paul...

Can you make a mental note of all this, and we can sort it out over a smart cocktail?

I have something at stake here.

What? When he got here, I thought, oh, great, you know what?

I'm going to be stuck with all the responsibility.

And surprise, I am stuck with it, but I will not wake up early every day, wake him up, pack his lunch, help him with his homework... yeah, by the way, he has homework... and have you tell me it has nothing to do with me.

You know what? I am so sick of being this furious.

I... I give up.

What am I doing? You have to tape.

I have to stay here and pick him up.

No, Tino can pick him up.

I'll pick him up. Don't be a martyr.

Oh, God. This.

This, I never imagined for myself.

I went to Wesleyan.

My contemporaries are scions of industry.

I should be living in New York running the Food Network, not sitting here in this dusty pueblo babysitting the boy from The Shining.

Yeah, and I went to Oxford and all my friends...

You went to cooking school in the town of Oxford.

What's your point? It's a very different thing.

What's your point?

My friends at The Rachel Ray Show called me again and told me there's still a job there for me if I want it.

Idle threat.

Mm.

Wait up, wait up!

Wait, what do we do best?

Drink and argue.

Throw parties.

We just need to give Bill a proper birthday.

It's his birthday? Doesn't matter.

But we do need to freshen up the genre.

We need a theme, something stunning.

I thought we were in the middle of a fight.

What?

Forget "Pin the Tail on the Donkey."

Try "Pinning the Tail on Ganesh," the elephant-headed Hindu deity at your next children's party.

I'm going to take you on a tour of the Indian subcontinent, where we're going to discover the secrets of tandoori lobster dogs, saffron cupcakes, and tamarind ice cream.

This is your passage to India.

I'm a Erasmus Brumble, and this is Ideal Home.

One of the staples of authentic Indian cuisine is of course naan, the indigenous flatbread.

But I need someone to help me roll the dough.

Heather... My name's not Heather.

It's Whitney. That's all right.

Bill, would you like to help me grind some tamarind paste with this pestle and mortar?

No. Let's get Taco Bell.

Yeah! Taco Bell! Cut!

Taco Bell! Taco Bell! Taco Bell! Taco Bell!

Hey. What?

Is this your party? Yeah.

Do you have two dads?

No. Well, I don't know.

Sort of.

That's littering.

So what?

We don't do that here.

Wow!

Wow!

Oh, my gosh, this has been so amazing.

Um, Chelsea's got a birthday next weekend.

Mmm... And we would so love to have you guys come.

Well, fantastic. Yeah?

Try and keep us away.

See, the Spurs need to stick to what they do best, work as a team. I mean, you got Ginobili, you got Leonard, small ball. Thanks, hon.

I don't really know who those people are.

I don't even know what sport you're talking about.

I think it's baseball, is it?

That's the one with a small ball.

I know that.

We're not really sporty types. No.

Oh... Holy shit! Heh.

I got my first blowie when this song was playing.

Oh?

Um. She was...

She was...

A girl?

Yeah.

Did she have big old tits?

We just got the couch. You can have ice in there.

You can have beer in there. You can sit back, relax.

Functional, stylish, comfy. What more could you ask for?

You know, it's not like on your TV show but...

Oh, no...

But... I mean... Well...

Everyone's different, aren't they?

The world would be a pretty dull place if we were all the same.

Hear, hear. Right?

Oh, my God. I'm sorry.

Would you...

Would you rather have white wine?

Uh...

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah? Okay. Sorry about that.

You know what, they seem like a nice family.

They seem happy.

Yeah, well, I'd rather be all fucked up and live in a nice house.

Well, then, dreams really do come true.

And of that song has invaded my mind.

Oh, that fucking song.

All right, bye. See you tomorrow, Bill.

Bye.

Well, they seem like nice boys. What are their names?

One is named Lantem...

Lathem... Lathem!

And the other is named... I don't know.

Okay. Well, I had to park on the other block.

It was so crowded.

Idiot!

Not... Not you, him. Are you all right?

Yeah.

Oh! Why don't you hold my hand for now?

No.

Bill, take my hand.

I don't want to. You were almost killed.

I don't care! I do! I'm the adult!

You're the child! And you're gonna do as I say!

Fuck you!

What's the matter?

I c-can't... I can't breathe. I can't breathe.

I can't breathe.

I need an ambulance.

Are you having chest pain now? Yeah.

Are you going to be okay?

I don't know.

Your blood pressure is a little high, but I don't see anything else.

Have you ever had a panic attack?

Hmm?

Do you have any history of anxiety or panic attacks?

I do. I, uh...

I... I think I'm having a heart attack, and it, uh... it turns out to be anxiety.

So you've called an ambulance before?

Yeah.

How many times?

Nine times maybe? About nine times.

Yeah.

But you saved his life.

You get a coupon for redemption when you arrive at the gates of heaven.

Mmm. It was so disturbing, watching the kid almost get killed, and then the screaming match, and then I had one of my things.

What things?

My panic things.

You didn't call an ambulance.

Oh, no.

It was humiliating.

We didn't even make it to the hospital.

The EMT just told me to take it easy.

And death is cheated once more.

Away, you shadowy specter.

Where are my pills?

Hey, hey, just, you know, have a tequila and think pleasant thoughts.

Oh, God, I can't.

Every night my dreams end in the Apocalypse, alien invasions, and mega tsunamis.

Your dreams are so big-budget.

I just dream I'm naked and people are laughing at me.

Oh. I dream that, too.

You know, eventually, you just have to make a decision to be happy.

Never do that voice again.

Rise and shine.

Come on, kiddo. Time to get up.

School. Did you finish your book report?

Yes.


You want to tell me what my anxiety medication is doing in your backpack?

Have you taken any of these?

No.

Well, where are they?

The entire bottle is missing.

I don't have them.

What have you done with them?

Out with it, young man. This is serious.

I sold them to this kid in the middle school.

Thank God for that. Thank God?

Well, at least he hasn't taken them himself.

Wh-? Where would you get an idea to do something like that?

What?

His father. Your father.

Oh, well, yeah. I mean, that's... Okay.

Why did you feel the need to do this?

I needed money. For what?

Don't we buy you everything you could ask for?

I need money in case...

In case what?

In case I'm not here.

In case that Melissa lady takes me or something.

Listen to me.

You're not going anywhere, okay?

I won't let it happen.

We won't let it happen.

Look at me.

We promise. Do you understand?

And if you promise not to deal drugs... we'll give you $100 a week.

Wait, no. 50.

Okay.

I'll do it for 100.

Okay. All right, yeah. Oh.

Okay, Great. Great! Yay!

All right! High fives all around.

Good job. Crisis averted.

Bring it. We did it.

Yay!


Good dinner. Good.


Come on, Bill.

No, you're not gonna make me do it.

"In conclusion, my parents have taught me about recycling

"because they love me, and they love the Earth.

The end."

All right.

Thank you, Symphony. And next is Bill.

"I live with Paul and Erasmus."

Bill, remember, look your audience in the eye.

Okay? And let's try it a little louder.

"I live with Paul and Erasmus. They are not my dads.

"But they do all the stuff dads do.

"They are gay.

"In the olden days, it was illegal to be gay.

"There are some words you should never use

"when you are talking to someone who is gay.

"Never say 'faggot.'

"Never say 'cocksucker.' Bill!

"And never, ever, ever say..."

Bill, please stop! No!

"Buttfucking."

"In the olden days, it was illegal to be gay."

Indeed it was.

"Some words you should never say

"when you are talking to someone who is gay.

"Never say 'faggot.' Never say 'cocksucker.'"

Unfortunately, the school district doesn't find quite the same sense of humor in this situation.

He... He said this aloud in, in class?

Up to and including that word.

Did he say "buttfucking"? Did he say "buttfucking"?

Never, ever say "buttfucking." Gentlemen!

Where do you think he's learning these terms?

Um... It's... it's... We don't make a habit of using words like that, I have to say.

Um, unless it... unless it's in context.

I see where he gets it.

I hate to say this, but I do think it's a case of pot calling the kettle black?

I did notice the word "felching" on your classroom wall, which I thought was highly inappropriate in a classroom.

That is "felting."

Oh, yeah, that makes more sense.

Felching isn't until middle school.

I am so not into that. Can't speak for him.

Guilty as charged.

This is serious. Hello? Oh, yes.

We were wondering when we were going to hear from you.

How's it going, Angel? How you doing?

Tell them how you're doing, Bill.

Good. He likes to be called Bill.

Bill? Is that right?

Well, you know, angels were one of your mom's favorite things.

So that's why we named you Angel.

That's still his name legally, of course.

But he's been doing great at school.

Uh, a whole spate of friends, and...

Would you like to tell your father about your new friends, young man?

No.

Well, it sounds like you're doing really good.

And, you know, I've been doing really good in here.

I've been going to church. I feel a lot better now.

I'm so clearheaded.

The big news is the minister's really gone all out for me to get an early release.

So I'm gonna be out of here before New Year's.

Bravo. And the church has also set me up with a sponsor in Arizona.

So when I do get out of here, me and Angel are gonna go to Arizona, and we're gonna start working for a minister there.

Arizona? Yeah, that's right.

I think we need consider how the boy has settled in at school here in Santa Fe.

He has a lot of friends.

There's a school at the church. He'll make new friends.

Well, I think, I think we need to consider all this very carefully. He's my boy.

I thank you both for taking care of him.

But there is a plan in place. And it's a good plan.

What if I want to stay?

All is well, and all will be well.

But do I have to go? Okay, look.

If I tell you something, will you promise to remember it for as long as you can?

Yeah.

Everything is temporary.

Except herpes.

What's herpes? Paul...

I'm not trying to arrange permanent custody.

I'm just trying to see if I can somehow delay the child going to him.

He finally has some stability. It must count for something.

Well, there just isn't a court in the country that is gonna separate a child from his parent.

There just isn't, unless the child is in some kind of quantifiable danger.

I'm sorry, Erasmus, you really don't have any leverage.

Well, thank you for what has effectively been a $400 phone call for you to say no.

Piss off. Era...

Assholes, the lot of them!

We should probably watch our language here.

Why? Because it's a fucking church.

I'm just trying to get the boy away from his idiotic father.

Well, you might not get that. You might not get what you want.

Well, why not, Paul?

Because God hates you.

Look, we have him through the holidays.

All right?

Come on. Let's put on a show.

I was going to say that. I know.

In Mexico and many Latin American countries, Christmas Eve is celebrated even more than the day itself.

In my home, I like to prepare a flavorful Mexican supper of fresh-made green-corn tamales, whole roast pig and for dessert.

Afterwards, we'll attend a traditional pageant known as La Posadas, which retells the story of Mary and Joseph looking for shelter in Bethlehem.

Then we cross the Atlantic for a proper English dinner.

No, further out. Further out.

I'll say, you look handsome.

You're allowed to take one present.

Well, how about three?

Oh, okay. Okay.

Yeah? O.M.G.

Do we have more?

Wow.

Okay, and cue the harem.

And heavenly glow.


This really is the land of enchantment.

Oh, so nice.

They let you out.

Yeah, Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas. Hey, bud.

Come on, you want to come over here and give me a hug?

Attaboy.

How you doing? You okay? Oh, God.

This is absurd! It's just the way it is!

This was never supposed to be permanent.

Why are you doing this?! You trying to infuriate me?!

You trying to cause as much anguish as you possibly can?

Oh, stop it, the world doesn't spin around you.

No, it spins around the boy, and you're trying to yank him away from the one decent Christmas he's ever had in the middle of the fucking night!

That's what this is all about isn't it, some big spectacle!

Do you know that presents and all the decorations in the world, that doesn't make Christmas.

For a little boy, it does.

No, family makes Christmas. And I'm his father.

You seem to have forgotten that I'm your father.

Oh.

Do you want to go there?

No.

Please, at least stay the night.

Why is the music so loud?!

What?!

You were shouting.

Oh, yes.

Yes! Yes!

Well, this Christmas looks epic. Santa has come early.

I'll believe in Santa if this is what it gets me.

Smokin' board.

Why don't we have a proper breakfast tomorrow?

Um, we should start a brioche.

And then perhaps something sweet, a nutty sticky bun.

That means, "Paul, go make brioche and a sticky, nutty bun."

Don't I know it?

Who would like a drink?

Bo?

I'm sober.

Ah, yes. So am I.

Unlike you, however, I'm going to do something about it.

I'll have a... I know.

What? What? What is it?

They're gone.

They're gone.

I didn't even get to say goodbye.

I know. Me either.

We drove 200 miles to get here.

You said you would meet us.

All right, we've been here for hours.

We look like a couple of child predators.

The only thing we're missing is a white van.

I apologize for my friend.

We're quite normal.

Do you want some candy?

Are you all right?

Well, you sound like you may have relapsed.

Don't get me wrong. I used to love cocaine.

Let's talk about what we have in common. Heh.

All right, let's not.

I'm just saying that if you need help, I know a very good rehab facility in Tucson, Arizona.

Um, it has a high failure rate, but the food's terrific, and the group sessions are hilarious.

Hello?

Hello...

Shall I move the orchid?

It's fine.

Wherever we go, it's so depressing.

He feels like he has to pass it on to other people.

It's like having a broom up his ass.

What's going on...?

Hello.

What's going on in here?

I was in the kitchen, and I suddenly got very upset.

Didn't I? Yeah.

And Tino was comforting me.

Why is the door closed?

It's not like that, Paul.

Why is the door closed?

Nothing happened, Paul.

I'm bereft about the child being gone.

So am I.

You didn't even want him here.

How can you say that?

Shame on you.

You know, you dismiss me left and right.

But I did all the work. I was the parent.

You clowned around.

Well, all right then.

You know what, it doesn't matter.

We're not talking about the kid.

This is about that.

Has it been going on since you hired him?

I didn't touch Tino. Nothing happened.

He was just a shoulder to cry on.

I'm your shoulder to cry on.

Anyway, you know what? It doesn't matter what happened in there.

It happened before. Which you admit.

With that gardener. You admit.

Yes, I admit.

Well, it's going to happen again.

It won't happen again.

Look, I think you and I both know things have been pretty fucked up between us for a long time.

When the kid showed up, I pretended everything was... fine.

But I can't pretend anymore. I can't.

Paul... Listen to me.

You know that if you were dying, I would cut the heart out of my chest for you.

I would die so that you would live.

That's how much I love you. That's how much I worship you.

And I think that you actually know.

You know that.

And it doesn't matter to you. It does matter to me.

It doesn't matter. And I can't stand it anymore.


You know, I, uh... I didn't tell you, but I got a call the other day from Rachel Ray.

Oh.

What's she like? I hear she's really nice.

No, not from her.

From my friends who produce her show.

They, uh... They offered me a job in New York.

I'm going to take it.

Well, I'm almost done up here.

I just need to get my books from your office.

Yeah, I boxed them all up last night.

Thanks for your help.

Did you get a spray tan?

No.

Jemima, had me at "ski in, ski out."

I'll be there Friday. No, I can't come Thursday.

I've got to see my lawyer.

Oh, just stupid stuff.

Yeah. You can have all these bags.

I don't really need them.

Good. Because they're mine.

Oh.

I... I think this might be the best thing for both of us.

Well, we had a good run.

Oh, and remember to keep an eye on the tile guy tomorrow.

I think he's overbilling us.

I don't give a fuck what you think about the fucking tile guy, you fucking cunt!

Oh. And you were doing so well.


Please don't leave me. I can't live without you.

Don't go.

Don't go, please, please, please, please.

I love you.

I sure hope he's not talking to me.

Keep driving.


Fuck!


And this motion will be accepted by the court at this time.

The child shall remain in the custody of Erasmus Brumble and Paul Morgan.

Oh, well, I must say, all that courtroom melodrama makes a man very hungry.

How are you doing? I'm hungry, too.

So what shall we eat?

Let's not do a whole thing tonight. I'm exhausted.

Why don't we just pick up some sushi?

You know, supermarket sushi is like God shitting on mankind.

It is everything that is wrong with this country.

I didn't say supermarket sushi.

I've never had supermarket sushi in my life.

Unless it was late at night and I was blackout drunk and I don't remember, and that probably happened.

I could make some sushi. I did train with one of the world's leading sushi chefs.

That was at a demo at Williams-Sonoma in Albuquerque. I was with you.

You know, your version of events is so pedestrian.

Also known as reality.

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Well, why don't we just do a pasta at home?

I'm trying to avoid wheat and dairy, Paul.

Oh, really, is that since you had the grilled cheese sandwich for lunch?

It's a constant struggle.

Yes, it most certainly is.

Guys.

Why don't you ask me what I want for dinner?

Well, we just assumed it was Taco Bell.

No, I still love it, but I'd like something else tonight.

Really? What would you like?

I'd like to have pork tenderloin with caramelized apples and ginger.

What the hell?

What the fuck?

All right.

Let's get this kid a pork tenderloin.

Maybe some polenta. With goat cheese.

Oh, my God. We've created a monster.

I created a monster.

No, you are a monster.

And now I have to contend with two of you. Good God.

Oh, Jesus.

There's a fucking rainbow.