Idiocracy (2006) Script

As the 21st century began... human evolution was at a turning point.

Natural selection, the process by which the strongest, the smartest... the fastest reproduced in greater numbers than the rest... a process which had once favored the noblest traits of man... now began to favor different traits.

The Joey Buttafuoco case--

Most science fiction of the day predicted a future that was more civilized... and more intelligent.

But as time went on, things seemed to be heading in the opposite direction.

A dumbing down.

How did this happen?

Evolution does not necessarily reward intelligence.

With no natural predators to thin the herd... it began to simply reward those who reproduced the most... and left the intelligent to become an endangered species.

Having kids is such an important decision.

We're just waiting for the right time.

It's not something you want to rush into, obviously.

No way.

Oh, shit, I'm pregnant again!

Shit! I got too many damn kids!

I thought you was on the pill or some shit! Hell, no!

Shit! I must've been thinkin' of Brittany.

Brittany? No, you didn't!

There's no way we could have a child now. Mm-mm.

Not with the market the way it is, no.

God, no. That just wouldn't make any sense.

Come on over here, bitch! He don't care about you!

Yeah? Well, there must be somethin' he likes over here.

She don't mean nothin' to me, baby! Clevon!

Oh, shit. It wasn't me! It wasn't me!

Well, we finally decided to have children... and I'm not pointing fingers, but it's not going well.

And this is helping.

I'm just saying that before I have in vitro, maybe you should be willing to--

It's always me, right?

Well, it's not my sperm count.

Yeah! Yeah! I'm gonna fuck all y'all!

That's my boy!

Whoo! Whoo!

Clevon is lucky to be alive.

He attempted to jump a Jet Ski from a lake... into a swimming pool and impaled his crotch on an iron gate.

But thanks to recent advances in stem cell research... and the fine work of Doctors Krinski and Altschuler...

Clevon should regain full reproductive function.

Get your hands off my junk!

Unfortunately, Trevor passed away from a heart attack... while masturbating... to produce sperm for artificial insemination.

But I have some eggs frozen... so just as soon as the right guy comes along, you know--

And so it went for generations... although few, if any, seemed to notice.

But in the year 2005, in a military base just outside of Washington, D.C... a simple army librarian was unknowingly... about to change the entire course of human history.

Come on, asshole! Go on! Take him to jail!

Hey, Bauers.

This is Peterson, your new replacement.

My what? I'm gettin' replaced? Yeah, they didn't tell you?

No. Some new assignment.

They're being all weird and hush-hush about it.

I don't want a new assignment. I tell Sergeant Metsler that every time.

I'm good at this. Good at what? Sittin' on ass?

No one ever comes in here.

Yeah, I know. It's perfect for me. No one bothers me. I can't screw up.

If I can just stay in here another eight years, I get my pension.

I'm all set. Can you just get me out of this?

No way. Not this time. It's coming from high up.

Jesus. I don't understand. Why me?

Every time Metsler says, "Lead, follow, or get out of the way," I get out of the way.

When he says that, you're not supposed to choose "get out of the way."

It's supposed to embarrass you into leading or at least following.

That doesn't embarrass me.

Look, Joe. You don't have a choice.

You're just gonna have to follow.

Like, follow me upstairs, like, now.

Right now? Shouldn't I train this guy?

I think he can figure out how to sit on his ass and watch TV all day. Let's go.

Gentlemen, meet Joe Bauers... our first subject for the Human Hibernation Experiment.

Now, as you know, throughout the years... many of our best pilots, soldiers and military leaders... often go their entire careers without ever seeing battle.

With the Human Hibernation Project, we will be able to save our best men... frozen in their prime, for use when they are needed most.

Joe, here, is not one of our best men.

Mr. Bauers was chosen primarily for how remarkably average he is.

Extremely average in every category. Remarkable, truly.

The most average person in our entire armed forces.

Additionally, he has no family, is unmarried... is an only child, and both parents are deceased... making him an ideal candidate, with no one to ask any nosy questions... should something go wrong with the experiment.

We had a little less luck in finding a female researcher's dream within our ranks... and were forced to look into the private sector.

This is Rita. Like Joe, she has no immediate family.

Rita agreed to participate in this experiment... in exchange for dropping of certain criminal charges and a small fee.

We did, however, have to come to an arrangement with her pimp... a gentleman who goes by the name Upgrayedd, which he spells thusly--

With two D's, as he says, for a double dose of this pimping.

Upgrayedd agreed to loan us Rita for exactly one year... and keep quiet on the matter, in exchange for certain leeways... with the local authorities in running his pimp game.

First, however, there was the difficult challenge of gaining his trust.

Collins, could we skip to the technicals, please?

Sure. Let me just finish here.

You see, a pimp's love is very different from that of a square.

Collins!

Fine. We'll move on.

It is a fascinating world though.

Jesus, Collins.

Yeah, that's--

Anyway, the experiment in which these two subjects... are to be placed into a dry freeze... for exactly one year is set to begin tomorrow.

As you know, this is highly classified.

However, if successful, we believe humans can be stored indefinitely.

So this is kinda crazy, huh?

What unit are you with? Oh, I ain't in the service.

Oh, private sector. Okay.

So, uh, what do you do? A little of this, a little of that.

Wow, that's great.

You know, I really envy people that can make a living that way-- doing a little of this and a little of that.

I, uh, had a neighbor, Glen. He used to make chainsaw sculptures... and then he'd sell 'em at the flea market.

Yeah.

So, uh, you an artist or somethin'?

Uh, yeah. You do paintings or--

Yeah, paintings. Okay, great.

Mm-hmm. What do you paint mostly?

I don't know, just... people and fruit and shit.

Wow. Well, must be great to be able to make a living doing something you love.

Yeah. It's not all it's cracked up to be.

Who wants to go first?

Me.

What the f-- Oh, hell, no. Uh-uh.

Hey, no. You probably don't want to do that with the I.V.s attached and all.

What's the matter? Man, Upgrayedd didn't tell me they'd be putting me... in no damn coffin with tubes and shit!

Oh, no, don't worry about it. It'll be safe. Trust me.

Who's Upgrayedd?

He's my boyfriend.

Man, how do you know this shit's safe?

These guys know what they're doing. Don't worry.

They've tested it on dogs and everything.

What happens is, the drugs will kick in, we drift off to sleep... we wake up in a year, you'll be paintin' again.

It'll be fine. All right.

Upgrayedd. That's an interesting name. Is he Dutch?

See, 'cause I knew this, uh, Dutch exchange student.

His name was Untgrad.

Okay, my niggas, we're almost set here.

Just go ahead and lie down. Relax.

See you in a year.

The Human Hibernation Project... was one of the army's most ambitious experiments... and one of its most secretive.

But it was not immune from human error.

Freeze!

Soon after Collins's arrest and the massive scandal that followed... the base was closed.

It hadn't even been a year, and the entire project was simply forgotten.

Things looked bleak for Joe, but they were even worse for mankind.

As Joe and Rita lay dormant, the years passed... and mankind became stupider at a frightening rate.

Some had high hopes that genetic engineering... would correct this trend in evolution.

But sadly, the greatest minds and resources... were focused on conquering hair loss and prolonging erections.

Meanwhile, the population exploded, and intelligence continued to decline... until humanity was incapable of solving even its most basic problems.

Like garbage, which had been stacked for centuries with no plan whatsoever... leading to the Great Garbage Avalanche of 2505... which would set in motion the events that would change the world forever.


Hold on. Next, on The Violence Channel... an all-new Ow! My Balls!

All right.

That guy got hit in the balls.

Ow, my balls!

Huh?

Where's-- Hold on. Shut up!

Where's Officer Collins? Shut up!

Next week on Ow! My Balls! Hormel goes to Paris!

Are we on base? I'm gonna base your ass on my fist.

In your face, ass! Shut up.

I'm sorry. It's just-- Where am I?

Shut up! I told you already!

Yeah! Wouldn't shut up!

Come in here and not shut up.

Yeah, you were like, "I'm not shuttin' up," and I was like--

Unaware of what year it was...

Joe wandered the streets, desperate for help.

But the English language had deteriorated... into a hybrid of hillbilly, valley girl, inner-city slang and various grunts.

Joe was able to understand them... but when he spoke in an ordinary voice... he sounded pompous and faggy to them.

Paging Doc--

Report to, uh--

Dr. Lueboo... uh, report.

Your floor-Your floor is now clean.

Your floor-- Your floor is now clean.

Your floor-- Your floor is now clean.

Hi, uh, I was in an army experiment, and I'm not feeling so well.

I think it might have been the drugs they had me on.

I've been hallucinating.

My head is just killin' me.

My-My-My joints are all achy and I--

Is this a hospital or--

Actually, I don't even know where I am.

Please proceed to the diagnostic area on the right... and have a healthy day! Oh. Thanks.

Thank you!

Uh, 'scuse me. I think this might be Gatorade or somethin'.

I was just looking for some regular water. Water?

Yeah. You mean like in the toilet? What for?

You know, just to drink.

You've got hepatitis!

Oh, is someone not feeling well?

Your illness is very important to us.

Next. Welcome to the Healthmaster Inferno... powered by Jormi Technology. Uh, this goes in your mouth.

This one goes in your ear. And this one goes in your butt.

Come on.

Hurry up, asshole! Come on!

Shit. Hang on a second.

This one-- No.

Hey, come on. Uh--

Hurry up! This one. This one goes in your mouth.

Come on!

Thank you for waiting. Dr. Lexus will be with you shortly.

That's a weird misprint.

Hey. How's it hang, ese?

Yeah. Right. Well, not so good, you know.

I don't really know what's going on, but I'm seein' things.

I think it might be because of these drugs the army put me on.

But, if you could, uh, just get me well enough to get back to base--

Right. Kick ass.

Well, don't wanna sound like a dick or nothin'... but, uh, it says on your chart that you're fucked up.

You talk like a fag, and your shit's all retarded.

What I'd do is just like, like, you know... like, you know what I mean? Like--

No, I'm serious here. Don't worry, scrot.

Now there are plenty of 'tards out there living really kick-ass lives.

My first wife was 'tarded. She's a pilot now.

I need for you to be serious for a second here, okay? I need help.

There's that fag talk we talked about.

All right, so that'll be... this many dollars.

And if you could just go ahead and, like, put your tattoo in that shit.

That's weird. This thing has the same misprint as that magazine.

What are the odds of-- Where's your tattoo? Tattoo?

Why don't you have this?

Oh, God.

Where's your tattoo? Oh, my God.

Why come you don't have a tattoo?

Oh, my God! You're not unscannable, are you?

Oh, my God!

You're unscannable.

Unscannable! No! No, you don't understand!

You gotta let me talk to someone in the army! Wait a second.

They're all dead. Everybody I know's dead!

Oh, my God! Oh!

No! Stop! Calm down! Calm down! Calm down!

How'd this happen? How did it happen?

Your floor is now clean.

Your floor is now clean.

Joe had awakened to a world in crisis.

The economy was in a state of deep neglect.

A great dust bowl had ravaged food supplies.

And the number one movie in the country was called Ass.

And that's all it was for 90 minutes.

It won eight Oscars that year, including best screenplay.

Enjoy your Extra Big-Ass Fries.

You didn't gimme no fries. I got an empty box.

Would you like another Extra Big-Ass Fries?

I said I didn't get any.

Thank you. Your account has been charged.

Your balance is zero.

What? Oh, no. No! Please come back when you can afford to make a purchase.

I'm sorry you're having trouble.

Come on! My kids are starvin'. I'm sorry you're having trouble.

This should help you calm down.

Please come back when you can afford to make a purchase.

Your kids are starving. Carl's Jr. believes no child should go hungry.

You are an unfit mother. Your children will be placed in the custody of Carl's Jr.

Carl's Jr. "Fuck you. I'm eating."

Welcome to Carl's Jr.

Would you like to try our Extra Big-Ass Taco... now with more molecules?

Hey! Is this particular individual the unfit mother?

Me? No. Okay. This particular individual is unscannable.

Listen, I can explain, okay? I was in an army experiment.

Wait a second. There's the other pod from the army experiment.

There was a girl. She was from the same experiment.

Yeah, that's enough of your bullshit, sir.

Joe was arrested for not paying his hospital bill... and not having his U.P.C. tattoo.

He would soon discover that in the future, justice was not only blind... but had become rather retarded as well.

You shut up! Now--

I'm fixin' to commensurate this trial here.

We gonna see if we can't come up with a verdict up in here.

Now, since y'all say you ain't got no money... we have "proprietarily" obtained for you... one of them court-appointed lawyers.

So, put your hands together and give it up for Frito Pendejo.

You're my lawyer?

Says here you, uh, robbed a hospital?

Why'd you do that? Yeah. I'm not guilty.

That's not what the other lawyer said. What do you mean what the--

Listen, you gotta get me on the stand, okay?

I can explain everything. We can take 'em to your house, show 'em the pod.

Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!

Now, prosecutor, why you think he done it?

Okay, number one, Your Honor, just look at him.

He talks like a fag too.

And "B," we've got all this, like, evidence... of how, like, this guy didn't even pay at the hospital.

And I heard that he doesn't even have his tattoo.

I know!

And I'm all, "You've gotta be shittin' me." But check this out, man.

Judge should be like, "Guilty." Peace.

Objection! What are you objectifyin' on?

Come on. Just get me on the stand. Okay.

Um, Your Honor? Hmm?

I object... that this guy also broke my apartment to shit.

Yeah. What?

And you know what else? I object that he's not gonna have any money to pay me... after he pays back all the money he stole from the hospital!

Don't say I stole. You're my lawyer.

And I object.

I object that he interrupted me while I was watching Ow! My Balls!

That is not okay! And I rest my case!

Your Honor, I'm pretty sure we have a mistrial here, sir.

I'm gonna mistrial my foot up your ass, you don't shut up.

Please, listen. "Please, listen."

I didn't steal anything.

I was part of an army experiment--

Joe stated his case logically and passionately... but his perceived effeminate voice only drew big gales of stupid laughter.

Guilty!

Without adequate legal representation, Joe was given a stiff sentence.

Meanwhile, Rita had awakened to find that the world's oldest profession... was a lot easier when the world is populated by morons. was a lot easier when the world is populated by morons.

Welcome to AOL, Time Warner, Taco Bell, U.S. Government long distance.

Please say the name of the person you wish to call.

Upgrayedd.

There are 9,726 listings for Upgrayedd.

Please deposit $2,000 to begin connection.

Man, what? Oh, yeah, baby.

Hey, look, can you just-- can you wait a second, please?

Oh, yeah, baby. I can wait so good.

Really?

Think, uh-You think maybe you could wait a day?

Baby, I can wait two days.

Huh. That's good, 'cause I charge by the hour.

Oh, yeah? Well, you gonna be glad you waited, baby.

Thank you very much, young man.

What the fuck?

Goddamn, shit's changed in a year.

What are we doin' here?

Okay, sir, we're engaged in procuring your tattoo.

Welcome to the Identity Processing Program of America.

Please insert your forearm into the forearm receptacle.

Thank you.

Please speak your name as it appears on your current federal identity card--

Document number G24L8. I'm not sure if--

You have entered the name "Not Sure." Is this correct, Not Sure?

No, it's not correct.

Thank you. "Not" is correct. Is "Sure" correct?

No, it's not. My name is Joe--

You've already confirmed your first name is Not.

Please confirm your last name, "Sure." My--

My last name is not Sure.

Thank you, Not Sure. No. What I mean is my name is Joe.

Confirmation is complete. Please wait while I tattoo your new identity on your arm.

Wait a second. Can we start over? Can I cancel this?

Can we cancel this and just go back to the beginning?

They're gonna tat-- Ow. Could I speak to your supervisor?

Ow! Please hold still for your photograph.

Oh, that's fuckin' great.

Okay, sir... now we will begin to proceed to obtain your I.Q. and "apitude" tests.

What for?

Okay, sir, this is to figure out what your "aptude's" good at... and get you a jail job while you're being a particular individual in jail.

If you have one bucket that holds two gallons... and another bucket that holds five gallons... how many buckets do you have?

Two?

Thank you.


'Too.


Desperate and scared...

Joe used his superior intelligence... to come up with the best escape plan he could think of.

Hi. Excuse me. I'm actually supposed to be getting out of prison today, sir.

Yeah.

You're in the wrong line, dumb ass. Over there.

I'm sorry. I am being a big dumb ass. Sorry.

Hey, uh, let this dumb ass through.

'Too. Yeah. Got it.

Uh, yeah, I don't see you in here. So, you're gonna have to, uh, stay in prison.

Could you check again?

'Cause, I was, you know-- I was definitely in prison, okay?

I got sat on my face and everything. Maybe check those files back there?

"Excape." "Excape."

"Excape." "Excape."

"Excape." "Excape."

The Masturbation Network.

Keepin' America 'batin' for 300 years.

And now, Sweet Bang Tube.

Oh, yeah, give me some. Cut me a piece.

Oh, yeah, that's--

Go away! 'Batin'!

Damn it.

All right.

Hey. Hey, get out of here. Hey, get out of here!

No, wait, listen. You let me, an innocent man, get thrown in jail.

So? Shut up, 'cause you broke my house.

Hey, I could have you disbarred-- disbarred-- for what you did to me.

Then maybe you'd go to jail for not havin' any money.

Oh, really?

Yeah, really. Now, look. Okay, here's the deal.

I've been thinking. It's been 500 years.

Someone has to have invented a way to travel back in time by now.

You know, I think they were pretty close even in my day. You know?

With Einstein and guys like that? Uh-huh.

You know, scientists? You know? Uh.

A time machine, for time travel.

Do they have one? What?

Jesus. I knew that was too much to hope for.

No, no, they got a time machine.

They do? Yeah.

Are-Are-Are you sure? Yeah.

Can it get me back to 2005? Oh, yeah, but it's, like, really expensive.

And it breaks all the time 'cause some smart guy made it a long time ago.

I don't care. Just get me there, okay?

Well-- Please!

Listen, I-- I-- I "supersize" with you... but didn't you go to jail for not havin' enough money?

Okay, how about this? You get me to the time machine, and when I get back...

I open a savings account in your name.

That way, 500 years later, it'll be worth billions.

Billions! 'Cause?

'Cause of the interest, it'll be worth billions of dollars.

Oh, I-- I like money. Yeah.

How many billions? Like, 10.

Yeah, suck one. Time machine costs, like, 20.

Yeah? Okay. Uh, 30, Frito.

Thirty billion dollars.

Thirty billion. So if you gave me 30 billion... and the time machine's 20--

What's the minus of 30 and 20?

Uh, it's, uh-- it's 80, Frito.

It's $80 billion. That's a mighty big minus, isn't it?

Yeah. I like money though. Police! Open the door!

We're looking for an "excaped" individual.

This particular individual's name is Not Sure. Eighty billion.

Oh, um, he-- He's... somewhere else.

You got something I can wear? Yeah. There's Pro-Wear on the top, assorted in the middle.

A Coke machine in the vicinity caught his tattoo.

Seemed to be heading for this particular "domistile."

Okay, sir, we're comin' in.

No, you can't come in. Can too!

Come on! All right, let's go get my billions.

Oh, okay, one more thing. We gotta go find this girl, Rita, first, okay?

Is she bangin'? Yeah, sure, she is.

That wasn't really part of the deal.

Okay, I'll, uh, throw in another couple billion, all right? I like money.

Okay, her pod's up here on the right. She shouldn't be far away, I hope.

Mmm, girl. Oh, yeah? So when we gonna do it?

'Cause you been chargin' me by the hour, and it's been, like, three days.

Oh, yeah. Soon, baby, soon. Hey, you know what?

Why don't you come back tomorrow?

Yeah, yeah, baby, yeah! Yeah?

When I finally utilize you, you gonna be paying me.

That's right. Whatever you say, sir.

Hey, you still on the clock! Yeah, girl.

Thank you! Rita!

Rita! It's me, Joe, from the experiment. Get in the car! Come on.

Oh, yeah! What the hell, man?

Just get in the car. I'll explain everything.

Where we going? Just get in the car.

Trust me. What happened to those army guys?

Wait a minute. You got cops after you?

Yeah. And you made me get in the car? I got two strikes, asshole!

Frito, take a right here. Right, right!

Into that dust storm, Frito.

They must have just forgotten about us.

It's been 500 years? Oh, hell, no!

Upgrayedd is gonna kill me! He gets mad when I'm a day late with his money!

So, you owe your boyfriend money?

Well, yeah, he's sort of my manager too.

You know, he helps me sell the paintings and shit.

Look, Rita, you gotta understand that Upgrayedd's been dead for a long time now.

Yeah, man, but you said there was a time machine, right? Yeah.

Yeah, there's a time machine now that can take us back to the past... but there was no time machine back then, so--

Upgrayedd don't care where the time machine is. Now, then, last week--

He will find a way to come get his money!

All I'm saying is you don't have to worry about it-- You know what?

Last time you told me not to worry was 500 goddamn years ago... when you were trying to tell me to get into some coffin.

Look, Rita, I don't know how this happened, okay?

But I'm doing everything I can to get us back there, okay? I promise you.

You are harboring a fugitive by the name of Not Sure.

Please, pull over and wait for the police to incarcerate your passenger.

Hell, no. You know what? Let me outta here. Thank you for your help.

If you don't have one of these, they're gonna throw you in jail.

You don't want to get thrown in the jails here. I've been in them.

They're bad. You're better off being with us, as bad as that sounds.

What are you doing? Why are we slowing down? Turned off my battery.

Look, how far is it? Can we just take a cab or something?

Oh, shit.

Oh! Oh, shit!

Yeah!

What the hell's wrong with you? That's your car.

Oh, hell, yeah! He's on fire!

Come on! Let's get out of here.

Hey, how much farther is it?

Uh, it's, like, far.

Man, I could really go for a Starbucks, you know?

Yeah, well, I really don't think we have time for a hand job, Joe.

Man, he don't seem too bright. You sure he knows where he's going?

I sure hope so. He's our only chance.

How'd you hook up with this guy, anyway?

He's my lawyer. And he's not a very good one either.

He's a goddamned idiot.

There's a shuttle down in the Costco. It'll drop us right by the time machine.

Jesus Christ. Oh, look. One more thing.

He thinks he's gonna get billions of dollars if he takes us there.

So if he mentions anything about a savings account, just play along, okay?

Yeah, what if this time machine don't work?

Then I'll spend the rest of my life trying to fix it.

Welcome to Costco. I love you. Welcome to Costco. I love you.

Welcome to Costco. I love you.

Shuttle's down there in electronics, about an hour from here.

We've been walking forever. You sure you know where you're going?

Yeah, I know this place pretty good. I went to law school here.

In Costco?

Yeah. I couldn't believe it myself.

Luckily, my dad was an alumnus and pulled some strings.

Hey, come on, Joe. I already told you... we'd all like a hand job, but we don't have time for it.

Hey, baby, wanna go out?

Wanna go out, honey?

Shuttle comes every few minutes. Shouldn't be long.

Do I got time to use the bathroom?

Uh, the toilet. Be right back.

Yeah, back that thing up.

Hey, you mind if I pound on that, Joe? What?

I like having sex with chicks. Yeah?

Yeah. I think everybody does, Frito.

Not like I do. Like when you get it like this, sideways.

Then you just, like, back it up. And then you--

That's real good. Then you-- Oh, yeah!

Stop! You're gonna get us caught, okay?

Warning! Warning!

Costco has detected a dangerous fugitive in aisle 16,702.

Hey! What about Rita? We can't just leave her here.

I don't care. Come on!

Oh, shit. Wait a second. What are we gonna do?

Wait, okay, I know. Here's what we do.

We go to the time machine, then when I get back to the past...

I tell her not to do the experiment.

Then she won't even be here. That'll work, right? Uh--

No, wait. Please stand clear of the doors.

She already is here. That must mean I didn't go back in time, right?

Uh-- No, wait, hold on. It just means I haven't done it yet.

Okay, so I go back and I tell her not to do the experiment.

Then I won't have to do it either because she won't be here.

Then I won't have to come back and save her, right? I--

But then, wait. Why am I still here? Uh--

Goddamn, how does this time travel work?

Please stand clear. Freeze! Hands up! Don't move!

Put your hands up! Don't move! Freeze!

Look, if you guys are taking me back to that jail... just go ahead and shoot me, 'cause there's no way--

Ow! Fuck! Ow! Ow!

What? Ow! Ow. Ow. Ow.

What?

Ow! God! Hey, stop! Damn it.

What is this? Okay, sir, this is the White House.

What are we doing at the White House? What?

Ow! Ow! Goddamn!

It turned out the results of Joe's I.Q. test... had caught the attention of the highest levels of government.

Okay, wait a minute. I'm the smartest guy in the world? Says who?

The I.Q. test you took in prison.

You got the highest score in history. Brought to you by Carl's Jr.

Yeah, dumb ass, you're even smarter than President Camacho.

That's how come he's making you secretary of interior.

Okay, so who are you?

I'm the secretary of energy.

He won a contest. Got to be a cabinet member.

I'm the secretary of state. Brought to you by Carl's Jr.

Why do you keep saying that? 'Cause they pay me every time I do.

It's a really good way to make money. You're so smart, why don't you know that?

He's the secretary of defense. Hi.

And, uh, funbags over there is the attorney general.

Hi.

And that's the secretary of education.

He's kinda stupid, but he's President Camacho's stepbrother.

Still, he does a pretty good job, eh?

You know, I think there's been some kind of mistake...

'cause the test I took was real, real easy.

I'm not the smartest guy in the world. Okay?

Okay, even if that were true, I can't be the secretary of the interior.

I don't even know what it is. You better find out.

Sit down. It's President Camacho. Hey, hey, hey, yo...

I gotta take care of some "bidness," baby, so I need y'all to wait outside.

Dwayne Elizondo Camacho, five-time Ultimate Smackdown Champion... porn superstar, and president of the United States... had called a special summit with the smartest man in the world.

So you smart, huh? No, no.

I thought your head would be bigger.

Goddamn.

It look like a peanut.

Let's get you sworn in.

Ladies and gentlemen, the president of America!

President Camacho!

Shut up.

Shut up. Sit your monkey ass down.

Chill out.

Shit.

I know shit's bad right now with all that starvin' bullshit.

And the dust storms. And we runnin' out of French fries and burrito coverings.

And the dust storms. And we runnin' out of French fries and burrito coverings.

Yeah!

But I got a solution. That's what you said last time, dipshit!

I got a solution. You're a dick!

South Carolina, "whassup?"

That's what I thought!

Now, I understand everyone's shit's emotional right now... but listen up.

I got a three-point plan to fix everything.

Break it down, Camacho!

Number one, we got this guy, Not Sure.

Number two, he's got a higher I.Q. than any man alive.

And number three, he's gonna fix everything.

I give you my word as president.

He'll fix the problems with all the dead crops.

He's gonna make 'em grow again.

Crops? And that ain't all. I give you my word.

He's gonna fix the dust storms too.

I give you my word.

He's gonna fix the "ecomony."

And he's so smart... he's gonna do it all in one week.

President Camacho stood before the world and promised everyone... that Joe would solve all their problems.

He would not only end the dust bowl and heal the economy... but he would cure acne and carsickness as well.

And if he didn't...

President Camacho made another promise.

He would kick Joe's smart balls all the way up to the roof of his smart mouth.

And then, he would throw his brainy ass back in jail.

I should, uh, be honest with you, Mr. President.

I don't know how to be secretary of anything.

I mean, I've never even voted, actually.

I don't know what the secretary of the interior even is.

Come on, scrot. Don't be a pussy. It beats jail, don't it?

Besides, you do a kick-ass job... you get a full presidential pardon.

No jail time. Yeah?

Fuck, yeah! Now gimme a beer.

And get you one too.

Shit!

Hold on, vato!

Whoo!

Do somethin' smart. Yeah.

Uh, okay. Uh--

I'll, uh--

Hey, we found that lawyer you wanted. Oh, okay. Great, thanks.

Uh, right now, I'm going to, uh, you know, confer with my counsel.

You understand? So I'll be right back.

Gotta go, uh, work on some crop stuff, get that taken care of.

Hopefully get it worked out by the time we get back here. Sounds pretty smart.

Wait here, okay? Wait there.

Dude, this is trepidatious. You got me a room at the White House.

Everyone gets laid at the White House. Everyone.

Yeah? Yeah.

I'm real glad you're happy to be here, Frito, but I brought you here to help me.

I don't know the first thing about growin' crops... much less the goddamn "ecomony."

Econ-Economy.

Let's see. Growin' crops--

No, I just need you to tell me how to get to the time machine.

Oh, that's easy. You go down by the museum and stuff.

It's, like-- It's, like, by the museum... sort of, but, well, actually, not really.

More like-- But on the street. You go, um-- Wait. Let me start over.

Okay, you know where the time machine is?

Hey. Just draw me a map, okay?

You still want the money?

Oh. If I had some money and a room at the White House...

I would be like, "It's mine, all night!" Listen. Cut it out!

Listen, I told these people that you were smart, okay?

So act smart! Smart like you?

"Oh, I gotta go to the time machine. I wanna go home."

I don't talk like that. "I don't talk like that."

Shit, I thought there was two of you.

See?

Doesn't look that big, is it?

Okay. Let's go take a look at those crops.

Especially the ones, uh, you know, out around the museum area.

All right? Hey, come on!

Now, you either lead, follow, or get out of the way. All right?

Whoa. Did you just make that up?

Yes, I did. Now look...

I also need help finding this girl named Rita, like, immediately... and Frito will give you a hand with it. Why?

Well, because, uh, you know, she'd be an essential... integral... asset... you know, for our team, for us to, you know, utilize.

Utilize her! Utilize her!

Utilize!

Hey, uh, but you're gonna bring her here, right?

Oh, yeah. Butt first!

Utilize her! Okay.

Dang! May I approach your benches?

Uh, yeah. This sucks pretty bad.

Frito, why don't you come over here and, uh, take a look at this?

Come on. Hustle over here, buddy. I wanna figure this out.

See, uh, just not a lot of moisture. Have you got the map?

Oh, yeah. Discreetly.

It's right there. I see it. I see it.

Stand up with me.

Yo, Mr. Secretary Not Sure. They found that whore you wanted.

Hey, that may be how you refer to women in the future, but come on.

No, sir. Turns out she charged some guy a lotta money and didn't put out.

Don't worry though. We'll get her out... on a work-release whorin' license as long as you're doin' her.

Get your hands off me. What do you think I'm gonna do, run through the field?

What the fuck are you all starin' at?

Joe? That's Not Sure, ma'am.

Secretary Not Sure. Secretary? Secretary of what?

Say, would you guys mind if we had a little moment together? Alone?

You know, in the bushes?

Oh, man.

Fuck her, Joe! Hey, you want us to come along, make sure she puts out?

No, thanks. I can handle it. Yeah.

I thought you was in jail. How'd you get to be the secretary of interior?

Just keep walking. I'll explain everything.

Okay. Get ready to run.

What? Oh, goddamn it.

Way to go, Frito. You know what? Just make a run for it anyways.

We'll ask for directions on the way.

No way. I spent the last two days looking for it. It ain't easy to find.

Damn it. I can't go back to jail, and I sure can't solve these problems.

All's I know is I better find Upgrayedd before he finds me.

Listen to me. Upgrayedd cannot find you, okay? It's impossible!

Oh, yeah? Yeah! And even if Upgrayedd... could somehow magically travel through time... we got secret service guys with huge guns protecting us, okay?

So don't worry. You're safe.

And you know what? It's none of my business, but when we get back... you and Upgrayedd should seriously think about couples counseling, okay?

And you should also think about maybe finding an art manager who's not also your boyfriend.

Hey! She's not puttin' out?

Uh, no, she is. We, uh-We already did it.

Yeah. He was great.

Okay. Hey, a couple of us guys were wonderin', uh... if we'd go family-style on her.

Uh, yeah, probably not right now.

We should focus on the crops. So let's get back to work. Maybe later.

What the hell is this?

Tastes like Gatorade. Is that that Brawndo stuff?

They're watering crops with a sports drink?

Brawndo the Thirst Mutilator had come to replace water... virtually everywhere.

Water, the basic component of all life... had been deemed a threat to Brawndo's profit margin.

The solution came during the budget crisis of 2330... when the Brawndo Corporation simply bought the F.D.A... and the F.C.C... enabling them to say, do and sell... anything they wanted.

Joe didn't know any of this... but he did see a problem that he might actually be able to solve.

With his options running out, Joe took a bold step.

He would not get out of the way.

This time, he would lead.

For the last time, I'm pretty sure... what's killing the crops is this Brawndo stuff.

But Brawndo's got what plants crave. It's got electrolytes.

So wait a minute. What you're saying... is that you want us to put water on the crops.

Yes. Water. Like out the toilet?

Well, I mean, it doesn't have to be out of the toilet, but, yeah, that's the idea.

But Brawndo's got what plants crave. It's got electrolytes.

Okay, look.

The plants aren't growing, so I'm pretty sure that the Brawndo's not working.

Now, I'm no botanist, but I do know that if you put water on plants, they grow.

Well, I've never seen no plants grow out of no toilet.

Hey, that's good. You sure you ain't the smartest guy in the world?

You wanna solve this problem. I wanna get my pardon.

So why don't we just try it, okay, and not worry about what plants crave?

Brawndo's got what plants crave.

Goddamn it. Yeah, it's got electrolytes.

What are electrolytes? Do you even know?

It's what they use to make Brawndo.

Yeah, but why do they use them to make Brawndo?

'Cause Brawndo's got electrolytes.

After several hours, Joe finally gave up on logic and reason... and simply told the cabinet that he could talk to plants... and that they wanted water.

He made believers out of everyone.

Joe didn't know it, but the beloved electrolytes... were salts that had been building up in the topsoil over the decades... killing plants and leading to the dust bowl.

As secretary of the interior, Joe ordered all crops to be switched to water... promising that, over time, plants would grow and the dust bowl would end.

He was on the fast track to a full presidential pardon.

Or so it seemed.

Man, I hope somethin' grows fast.

Yeah. So we can haul our ass back home.

Man. You really think those people would have starved to death?

I don't know. I mean, how did the world ever get like this?

You know things are bad when they're comin' to me for answers.

It's a weird feeling being smarter than everyone. Mm-hmm.

I'm not used to it. Yeah. Me neither.

You think Einstein walked around thinkin' everyone was a bunch of dumb shits?

Yeah. Hadn't thought of that.

Now you know why he built that bomb. Yeah.

Hey, Joe, listen. Those cops--

Oh, hey. I'm sorry about that. No. No.

They said that you got me a pardon.

You know, if you hadn't done that, I'd still be in jail right now, so...

I guess I owe you one.

You know, you don't have to sleep on the floor if you don't want to.

Oh. No. I'm-- I'm all right. Yeah.

Besides, you know, I don't think Upgrayedd would be too happy about that.

You in bed with a stranger.

Yeah.

I know. I know.

Yeah. Oh, boy.

Oh, shit. It's Upgrayedd.

Oh, shit. It's not Upgrayedd.

Given enough time, Joe's plan might have worked.

But when the Brawndo stock suddenly dropped to zero... leaving half the population unemployed... dumb, angry mobs took to the streets, rioting and looting... and screaming for Joe's head.

An emergency cabinet meeting was called... with the C.E.O. of the Brawndo Corporation.

How come nobody's buying Brawndo the Thirst Mutilator?

Aw, shit. Half the country works for Brawndo.

Not anymore! The stock has dropped to zero... and the computer did that auto-layoff thing to everybody.

We're all unemployed! You think that makes the "ecomony" suck?

Why is this happening? I think it's because we switched to water, but--

You mean this is all your fault? What?

Yeah, this is your fault. This shit started happening when we switched to water!

Brought to you by Carl's Jr. Brought to you by Carl's Jr. Brought to you by Carl's Jr.

Fox News.

He tried taking water from toilets... but it's Secretary Not Sure who finds himself in the toilet now.

And as history pulls down its pants... and prepares to lower its ass on Not Sure's head... it will be Daddy Justice who will be crapping on him this time.

We now go live to Violence Channel correspondent Formica Davis... at the Extreme Court with highlights on today's trial.

Thank you, Velveeta. Well, it started off boring and slow... with Not Sure trying to bullshit everyone with a bunch of smart talk.

Blah, blah, blah. You gotta believe me!

That part of the trial sucked.

But then, the chief "J" just went off.

He said, "Man, whatever.

The guy's guilty as shit. We all know that."

And he sentenced his ass to one night of Rehabilitation.

Hey, rehabilitation? One night?

Doesn't sound so bad.

Not so bad, huh?

Here's some highlights from last week's Rehabilitation.

And who could forget that wonderful finish... by Rehab Officer Tylenol Jones?

And tomorrow night looks even more better.

Word is that Beef Supreme himself might come out of retirement.

Wow. Thank you, Formica.

So you think you can escape again like you did last time?

No. They pretty much fixed that. How?

They chained me to a big rock.

Oh. Yeah.

Look, Rita, get Frito.

Get him to take you back to the time machine without me. Don't wait.

No. You could have split on me before, but you didn't.

Look, you wanna pay me back? Just go back, okay?

Tell people to read books.

Tell people to stay in school, you know.

Tell people to just use their brains or something.

I think maybe the world got like this because of people like me.

I never did anything with my life. At least you were an artist, you know?

So just go back and-- Visit's over!

And Rita, whatever you do, keep painting, okay?

Good luck, Joe.

Okay, that's five down and one more to go.

Are you ready for a monster-truck duel to the death?

Yeah! Let's give it up for the Guitar Army.

Okay, we're gonna do this shit.

But first, to lead us in our Natural Anthem... the star of Ow! My Balls! Hormel Chavez!

Thank you. Thank you.

Hey! Come here!

Come here!

Right in the balls!

That's just how that shit went on TV!

This execution is brought to you by Brawndo the Thirst Mutilator.

After you've killed someone... your body needs electrolytes. Yeah.

So, my car's out front... whenever you want me to take you... to the time machine.

Thanks, Frito.

Yeah. I can't hear you!

That's a real bummer about Joe, huh?

I can't hear you! Yeah.

Oh! Can you turn this up? I love Rehabilitation.

Okay. Let's meet our rehabilitation officers for tonight.

With a combined record of 62 kills... please welcome Vinny Mawumba in the Dildozer!

And his brother Bobby Mawumba in the Ass Blaster!

I get a truck too, right?

Yeah. Here it comes.

Get in.

You still got the chain attached.

Door won't shut. What about the chain?

We could break it. No. He could escape.

I got an idea. Let's put it in the trunk. Yeah. That'll work.

Who's smart now? Let's bring out our criminal.

He tried to ruin the country by pouring toilet water on crops.

He cost millions of people their jobs.

Let's get ready to rehabilitate Not Sure!

Never would have guessed this is how I was gonna die.

Are you ready for some car-on-car action?

Yes.

I can't watch this. This is--

This is gonna be so sad. I hope I don't cry.

Holy shit! Frito, come here! Look!

He was right. The water-- it worked.

Frito, can you get me over there?

Yes.

No, you fuckin' moron. To the Rehabilitation place.

Uh, this way. Yeah!

Come on, Frito. Hurry!

And now the dude that everybody came here to see...

Yeah! the only undefeated officer ever in history... coming out of retirement just to pound Not Sure's ass... driving the biggest, hugest correctional vehicle ever built in history-- bigger than the Dildozer, bigger than the Ass Blaster... bigger and huger than everything ever before in history-- the brand-new Assdozer!

Give it up for Beef Supreme!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh, shit. I think it was too big, huh?

We seem to be "experimenting"... some "techmological" differences... so, uh, shit.

Frito, look!

It's working everywhere! Huh.

Well, shit. That's a big pile of rocks.

Kinda reminds me of this one time that I was-- Man.

Hey! Oh, oh, okay.

Get this shit started! We're gonna start without Beef Supreme.

Let the rehabilitation begin!

Oh, shit.

Come on. Come on.

Come on, Frito. Hurry!

Oh!

Goddamn it.

Yeah! Jesus, that was close.

Mr. President! Mr. President, I need to talk to you.

You gotta stop this thing. He was right about the water.

We passed some crops on the way here. They're growing.

I didn't see no crops.

They're circling around.

They're gonna do the Malachi Crunch on him!

This is an illegal move, okay? So don't tell nobody. Oh!

So, uh-So the winner is, uh--

You gotta be shittin' me. Did he win?

Uh-oh. Look.

Holy shit! It's Beef Supreme!

Beef Supreme! Yeah! Yeah!

Hey, Frito. Frito, you remember those crops we saw off the road... right by the Starbucks? Uh-huh.

Hey. Wanna make some money? I like money.

Hey, um, the, uh-- the main screen is malfunctioning... and they gonna need you outside immediately.

There's a bunch of whores in the hallway.

Come on, Frito. Hurry.

Can't believe you like money too.

We should hang out. Totally.


He's behind the truck!

Yes! Yes!

He's behind the fucking truck! He's over there!

Behind the truck, stupid!

Look!

Shit. That's a good deal.

Extra foam. I got a bunch of money too.

Forgot what it was for. Huh.

You think it was for lattes? Yeah. Probably.

You like money and sex? You're trippin' me out. What the fuck?

Yeah! Yeah!

Just hold on, okay? Everyone just take it easy, okay?

Can I just say something here?

I don't even know what I'm guilty of here.

I never said that I was the smartest person on earth. You people did.

I didn't know that you'd lose your jobs and all your money... and I'm very sorry that that happened.

But I'm tellin' you... if you put water on the crops, it might actually--

No, it will work. I promise you!

You just have to believe me. I just wanted to help you. That's all.

So you can try and shoot me. You can try and run me over, whatever.

But I just want you to ask yourselves one question first.

Do you really want to live in a world... where you try to blow up the one person that's tryin' to help you?

Hold on. Just hold on.


Oh, man. That was great.

Hey, was I wearing pants when we went in there?

Shit. What do I look like, a pants goblin?

Wait. This reminds me of something.

Uh, "Rehabil-Rehabilate--

Rehabilation." Why do you keep trying to read that word?

You a fag? I'll fag your face!

Come on, Frito. Yeah. I don't think so.

Oh, yeah.


This guy just got his ass a pardon!

Yeah!

Man, Rita. I mean, I don't know what to say.

You saved my life. No one's ever done anything like that for me.

Yeah, well... you were looking out for the whole world so, you know...

I thought someone should look out for you too. Thanks.

I can't believe I'm even saying this, but... even though these people tried to kill me... you know, I think I'm actually gonna kinda miss 'em. Yeah.

Frito-- he's gonna give us a ride back to the time machine.

I just, uh-- I hope he's okay to drive.

It's you. Oh, man, I really love your show.

Thank you so much.

Uh, Joe, I'm not going. What?

I had some pretty bad habits back there that I don't want to fall into again.

Maybe it's time I got a new start.

Besides, they offered me a pretty good job at Starbucks here.

I'm gonna be a C.E.O. At Starbucks?

Yeah. Yeah? You're still gonna paint though, right?

Yeah. Sure.

I guess this is good-bye then.

Hey, hey, hey, hey!

I got a couple presidential decrees to make!

I got a couple presidential decrees to make!

Not Sure, get your ass up here, wherever you is.

Let me get that little peanut head up here.

Yo. Yo.

I have decided... to make this man-- the man who solved all our problems--

I have decided to make him... my new vice president.

Mr. President, thanks. That's real cool of you, sir... but I can't accept it, sir. What? Why?

You know, I gotta get home. But we still got all these problems.

Look, you know, you're just gonna have to solve 'em yourselves.

How? Think about it, you know?

You're just gonna have to figure it out like we did with the crops.

But how are we gonna figure out about the garbage "ambulanches" and the "comony"?

And what about the nuc-- "nucular" reactor in Florida?

It's broke and leaky and something's happening.

I thought it was in Georgia. Georgia's in Florida, dumb ass.

Hey. Hey, I know. Let's put toilet water on it. Huh?

Yeah! Good, good. That's a good idea.

Like we did on the crops. Come on, vato.

Hey, you can't leave.

Whatever happened to all that "lead, follow, or get outta the way" shit, huh?

I guess I just can't get outta the way anymore, can I? You know what?

Forget about the time machine. Yeah!

That ride sucks anyways.

Ride?

Welcome to the Time Masheen.

We are going to take you back, first to the year 1939... when Charlie Chaplin and his evil Nazi regime... enslaved Europe and tried to take over the world.

So you knew this thing was just a ride the whole time?

Yeah. You thought you could really travel through time, huh?

Yeah, I guess I did. Yeah.

For the smartest guy in the world, you're pretty dumb sometimes.

So why didn't you tell us? 'Cause I like money. I'm sorry.

But if it's not a real time machine, there wouldn't have been any money.

You know, 'cause I can't go back in time and open a savings account.

Uh, uh, uh--

Yeah. Don't worry about it. It's okay.

Well, I guess we're stuck here.

But then an even greater force emerged-- the "UN."

And the "UN" un-nazied the world forever.

And the "UN" un-nazied the world forever.

And so, after serving a short term as vice president...

Joe was elected the president of America.

Frito became vice president... and Rita, the former prostitute, became first lady.

Today I step into the shoes of a great man... a man by the name of Dwayne Elizondo...

Mountain Dew Herbert Camacho.

Under President Not Sure's leadership, a new era dawned.

You know, there was a time in this country... when smart people were considered cool.

Well, maybe not cool, but smart people did things... like build ships and pyramids, and they even went to the moon.

Yeah!

And there was a time in this country, a long time ago... when reading wasn't just for fags... and neither was writing.

People wrote books and movies, movies that had stories... so you cared whose ass it was and why it was farting.

And I believe that time can come again!

Not Sure, Not Sure, Not Sure!

Joe and Rita had three children... the three smartest kids in the world.

Vice President Frito took eight wives... and had a total of 32 kids-- thirty-two of the dumbest kids ever to walk the earth.

Okay, so maybe Joe didn't save mankind... but he got the ball rolling... and that's pretty good for an average guy.


I'm gonna go find this ho.