If You Meet Sartana... Pray for Your Death (1968) Script

Don't be afraid, dear.

The insurance company always sends someone to protect us.

It's in the regulations.

Strange. He looked like a ghost.

It's the heat.

Hey, Dunn.

He's our man.

Hey, Morgan.

He's our man.

You look like a scarecrow.

I'm your pall bearer.

Good morning. Good morning, Father.

Hey, Slim. Take good care of that bag.

All in order, partners.

The biggest deal of my whole life.

We may be equal partners, General, but I despise your attitude.

I don't like you either, but business comes first.

It's terribly hot.

Are you going to Green Hill? Yes.

We should introduce ourselves.

It's a long journey.

Reverend Logan. Meggie Sam.

Roy Hughes.

Let's go!

It's El Moreno’s gang.

El Moreno's gang. You need to help us.

Calm down. You need to protect us.


Son, you're crazy.

You said it.

Come on.


The gold. General Tampico will be pleased.

Come on.

Take cover.

Hey, Roy.

Good job, Lasky. Congratulations.

Come on, boys.

Let's get out of here.

See you at Agua Esmeralda.

OK, Lasky.

Bad news, General.

El Moreno and the coach carrying the gold didn't show up.

Lieutenant El Moreno is better than the lot of you.

No doubt about it. He's the best.

Don't try to tell me he double-crossed me.

Are you thinking what I'm thinking, Clem?

Yeah. Let's take the gold.

I wouldn't try if I were you.

Lasky and Morgan wouldn't let us have it for long.

If you're not with us, get out of here.

Clem's right. What are we waiting for?

The Most Excellent Don Jose Francisco Mendoza Montezuma Rio de la Plata Perez Rodriguez, also known as General Tampico, salutes the first citizen of Gold Spring.

Let's go in, dear.


I'm here for my share.

Stewal, I didn't know Lasky was our partner.

Shut up, Alman.

You'll get your share, Lasky.

5000 dollars.

5000? We agreed 2000. 5000.

You filthy swine.

A swine would have asked for 10,000.

Now get out.

This is just an advance, don't forget, if you want the insurance money.

I'm sorry, Mrs. Alman.

So long, partners.

How dare he?

I see you've made a good deal, Stewal.

Now we just need to wait for a little blackmail from the mayor's young widow.

Just think about getting fat, Alman.

It's the only thing you're able to do.

May I? Thank you.

You need 200 dollars to play.

You bring bad luck, Dusty.

Go and cough on your coffins.

I've just finished one.

Good. Go and climb into it.

It's exactly your size.

You damned gravedigger!

He's my friend.



Move that tobacco box.

It bothers my eyes.

I'm out.


I'll raise you.




Damn it.

You bring me luck, Meg.


Full house, aces high.

If I'm not mistaken, your 5,000 is missing, my friend.

Royal flush.

These things happen.

Thanks. And what would you like?


Hey, you.

Royal flush.

Answer me.

Where are you going with all that money?

You cheated.


What if I'd been the fifth?

Self-defense, eh, Lasky?



Call the others.


There's Clem's wagon.

Lasky's been here.

Your time's up, Lasky. Where are you, you scum? Come on out.

It's damn hot.

Good morning, Reverend.

You're lucky to be my friend, you know that?

Old Dusty will be your guide.

You could get lost in this town.

I hope you know what I mean.

I like you. And people I like have a right to live.

Hey, friend.

Did you hear what I said?

A drink! Not now.

Come with me.

It's too crowded in here.

I like to shave myself. Now's not the time.

Calm down, Dusty.

Easier said than done.

Imagine old Dusty sitting on a chair for an hour getting thirsty.

I mean, a drop of whiskey wouldn't do any harm.

I'll tell you a story.

You think I'm a kid?

But this is a true story.

A while ago, a band of Mexicans attacked a stagecoach.

They were just about to share out the gold when another man and his band ambushed them and killed them all.

So now that man's as rich as King Solomon?

No, he's not.

The case was full of rocks.

So they tricked him.

Those rocks were worth their weight in gold.

I swear you've lost me here.

And the man?

He killed his own men.

How do you know?

Another man, who wanted 50 per cent, told me.

50 per cent of the cargo.

The cargo of rocks? No, the gold.

But the first man was greedy and wanted it all for himself.

How did it all end up?

A gravedigger took

the one with the smallest brain away.

Shut it.

All right. If you don't like music.

Hey, speaking of gravediggers... since we have to wait, I'll show you something you might like.

I used to be a sculptor...

Ending up here in Gold Spring making coffins isn't too good for a prizewinning sculptor.

Yours truly makes the finest coffins in the county.


Lasky Bell's a bad apple, you know that?

I've seen him snuff out a candle 100 paces away with a Winchester.

And Morgan's just as bad.

He'd rather use a knife than a gun.

It's quieter.

I can't begin to imagine what you're planning on doing.

But if you want my advice, I'd give those two a wide berth.

You're having a look at my studio, right?

I call it "the anteroom of the beyond."

It's the perfect place for an artist undertaker.

Hey, wait a minute.

Give me back that dollar. You don't need it.

You think I own this place?

It belongs to the bank. I just work in here.

Not that there's much to do in this town.

It's a shame someone like you doesn't get much work.

I don't mean to brag but I still know how to do it.

I turn sculpture into funeral art.

As far as I can see, Dusty, the rich are respected even when they're dead.

And they rip you off when they're alive.

When I was young, I won first prize in a sculpture competition in Boston.

This lovely engraved gold plaque.

But it wasn't gold. I was swindled.

It was gold-plated bronze.

Whose is this?

Miss Jane ordered it. Mayor Randall's widow.

She wants to take her husband's body to Tucson, where he came from.

And she wants to do it in style.

Hey, you can eat a bit if you want.

As long as it's not dead man's flesh.

I had a strange impression when I saw you for the first time down at White Canyon.

You were prowling around the bodies like a hyena.

You've got a customer, Dusty.

The story you told at the barber's was very interesting.

It's a shame it has to end here.

Hey, Dusty, what do you think?

I've got one all ready in his size.

I missed you on purpose just now.

I don't shoot people from behind.

Turn around.

Get out, Dusty.

On your horses.


If I'm not mistaken, you want 50 per cent of the gold from the coach.

You're not mistaken.

All right, Lasky. That 50 per cent.

A lot of people in Gold Spring will regret shedding so few tears for our poor mayor when you step into his shoes.

I hate old shoes. I'd rather have new ones.

What do you think, Evelyn?

Al, you won't have time to get fat now you're looking after the bank on your own.

Hey, partners.

Someone else knows about the gold.

Did you hear that, Jeff?

We're no longer the only ones who know.

Who would that be, Lasky?

The man with the musical watch. Sartana. He knows everything.

Do you think we're idiots, Lasky?

5,000 dollars for that man's corpse.

All right. And 10,000 for me to keep quiet.

The blackmail goes on.

Jeff, the two of you should agree on what to do.

I'll come to you as soon as he's asleep. Wait for me.

Not tonight.

The time isn't right, Evelyn.

Even if Lasky hasn't tricked us, I still need to stay vigilant.

See you tomorrow, Al.

It may all just be a game of Lasky's.


I needed to see you. I couldn't stand it any longer.

Jeff. Coming here was a stupid thing to do.

You're still the mayor's widow.


What's the matter, darling?

It's not about you.

Someone else is after the gold. Someone who knows about it. Sartana.

We have to hurry, Jane.

Your husband's body needs to leave straightaway.

And we'll follow.

Take him to your room.

Do you want to keep me company?

Let's go. In my room.

Mine's cosier.


I've heard people talking about you. They say you're mysterious.

Go in.

What... It's a surprise.

A French lady taught me. It's a new way of making love.

You throw a rope over a beam and tie one end tight to the back of a chair.

Like this.

I can't wait to see how it ends up.

The men here have no imagination.

How does it work?

Love in a rocking chair.

What are you waiting for?

It's not easy, you know.

Don't just sit there staring at me.

If you don't give me a hand we'll be here all night.

A hand? How about both?

As long as you play the game all the way to the end.

I can't wait to find out.

You'll do what I ask you.

The game's getting more and more interesting.

It's serious business.

I've got a job to do in town and you could be very helpful.

What do you need? Just some information.

What are Stewal and Alman like?

You should know them. You've been here a long time.

They're a pair of filthy pigs.

Stewal's a pathetic Lothario.

I'm sure he's involved with Alman's wife.

And the fat man comes here and pays a fortune to see me naked.

He sits there gawking and doesn't even touch me.

I really like that.

Does it remind you of anything?

Yes, Tampico often sings it.

But he's tone-deaf.

And what do you know about that Lasky character?

You're too curious, my friend.

You can put your hat back on.

I'm no lady.

Love in a rocking chair?

Take your things and get out.

You've really disappointed me.


The stagecoach has been attacked.

The gold didn't make it to Green Hill.

The stagecoach has been attacked.

What's that, Speedy?

The stagecoach has vanished without a trace.

It's been attacked.

The gold from the bank didn't make it to Green Hill.

Take it easy, Speedy. You didn't run that fast when you had two good legs.

Didn't you hear what I said?

The stagecoach has vanished.

I wonder who it is that's really got the gold.

Did you hear that? We need to do something.

If we were in Dallas instead of Gold Spring, there would be a special edition in the newspaper with two big headlines on the front page.

"Mayor's widow going to Arizona tomorrow with her husband's corpse."

Let's hope it holds up.

This is my masterpiece, young man.

And the second headline?

"Gold Spring's gold didn't reach Green Hill."

Cat got your tongue?

How do you know there was gold in the stagecoach?

Just a hunch.

A hunch?

But you don't have a nose like mine, young man.

If we're talking about hunches, you know what old Dusty thinks?

You smell like a hired killer.

Or an insurance agent or even...

Or even dead bodies.

I like dead bodies, you know.

How about a little drop now?

I've got a real thirst.

Maybe because you've been talking too much, old man.

Go and get a drink.

A whole lifetime of art forgotten for a drop of whiskey.

Life takes its toll, right, Dusty?

Yes, life makes you better or worse depending on your needs.

You should stick to art, Dusty.

I'd set my mind on it if I were you.

First prize, eh? Yes.

I saw you playing poker, you know.

And I can tell you that you set your mind on winning, and winning in life too.

Is General Tampico's ranch far from here?

Two hours on horseback.


That El Moreno bastard!

Treason is punished by death, General.

What did you call me?

The Most Excellent Don Jose Francisco Mendoza Montezuma Rio de la Plata Perez Rodriguez, also known as General Tampico.

That's how I like it.

Soldiers! Men!

Lieutenant Miguel El Moreno has double-crossed us.

Who's going to take his place now?

Perdido's the new lieutenant. Perdido?

Very good. Very good.

Comrades! Long live the new lieutenant Perdido!


And death to El Moreno.

El Moreno's alive?


Ramón? Ramón!

El Moreno's watch.

Where are my men? Where's the gold?

Calm down, Tampico.

What did you say? The Most Excellent General Tampico.

General, there are two kinds of violence used to gain power and wealth.

We've chosen the diplomatic kind of violence.

Would you like one? I don't trust you, Alman.

They don't contain poison.


You need to sign here.

What's this?

We need to send this if we want the insurance money for the stolen gold.

The savers' gold, and yours and ours.

The gold that never left Gold Spring, Most Excellent General, as a precautionary measure.

It's good for gentlemen to trust each other but it's better not to.

If you want to check, the gold is in the cemetery, in the mayor's coffin.

Three equal shares, General.

What about El Moreno?

El Moreno? El Moreno's dead, and your men too.

All killed by the same man, who sent you the watch and sent us a case full of rocks.

It's true.

Rocks instead of the gold.

You thought we were foolish enough to leave such a fortune in the hands of Lasky's gang or your men?

Now sign.

Very good.

The evidence against us must disappear.

Lasky killed your men so he could steal our gold.


Pull him up.

Well, Lasky...

don't you want to talk?

Give him to me, Joaquin.

You'll come to a nasty end if you don't talk, Lasky.

I'm going to make you pay for the death of my men.

Where did you hide the stagecoach?

Tell me, you bastard.

Sartana's responsible for everything. I know nothing.

El Moreno.

Quick, men. Follow that man!


I want him dead or alive.

Go on, men. Get on your horses!

Hey, there he is!



Our man's run out of bullets.

Come on out, Sartana.

Hands out of your jacket, gringo.

Alman's dead, you two are trapped here and I'm following Stewal, who's taking your gold.

He won't try.

Get moving.

Come on.



Water, quick!


I was starting to worry.

Where's Stewal's house?



We'll leave tomorrow morning, Evelyn.

Tomorrow morning.

At last I'll have the life I've always dreamt of.

You and Evelyn, traveling without ever stopping, and all that gold just for us.

They weren't in tune with the music.

I've been looking for the gold from the stagecoach and I don't know where it is.

But your partner Tampico is going to get it tonight.

Do you take me for a fool?

You're making a big mistake.

I don't believe you.

You don't have to believe me.

But I want 5,000 dollars, Stewal.

That's how much the information's worth.


There's no difference between you and Lasky.

Mrs. Alman.


You have to go, Jeff.

Go and take your gold before Tampico...

It's a trick.

What if he was telling the truth?

It's nearly sunrise.

That's enough.

Tampico, you've got to believe me.

It's a trap.


Not now.

There are a lot of them, Lasky.

We need dynamite.

If we carry on like this, Tampico will end up tricking us all.

It's not Tampico that has to be watched.

It's us, Lasky.

Don't let him out of your sight.

Close it.

How did it go?

Tampico killed him and took the gold.

The mayor's widow is dead too.

I saw to it.


Why did you get rid of her before finding out what Stewal was up to?

It was a rash move.


A very rash move, Evelyn.

Seeing as my gold's in Tampico's hands, you can go to him now.

Oh, no.

Don't tell me you thought...

Believe me, dear, I just wanted to make sure Stewal and Tampico didn't take your gold.

Of course. My gold.


Let's do this.


The Most Excellent Don Jose Montezuma Manuel Francisco...


They've tricked us, partner.

I've been tricked again.

Who's tricked you, Lasky?

Unbelievable, darling.

You're by far the cleverest of them all.

I just did it for my Evelyn.

The gold will leave town in that wagon before dawn.


Deep down I never underestimated you.

But this time you've exceeded all my expectations.

And I'm happy.

So happy not to have been mistaken.

Al. Yes?

It may seem strange to you, but right now I'm thinking of your family album.

You're just like you were in that big photo, wearing your West Point cadet uniform.

You had such a slim figure then. You were fascinating, Al.

And you still are.

Please don't pull that face.

This isn't your wife talking, but a woman who knows she's got a real man by her side.

I didn't know you then, Al, but to me you haven't changed.

Cadet Alman, your glasses.

You'll be able to see that this woman has always loved you.


I'm thinking about all that gold.

How will we get it across the border, Al?

It's going in Randall's coffin.

The mayor's coffin? The one that's being sent to Arizona?

Just the two of us, far away from here.

It's the life I've dreamt of since we were first married.

Traveling, traveling, traveling!

Sure. Wherever you want to go, darling.


Darling, I killed him. Do you understand? I killed him.

Where's the gold?

I only just found out.

We have to go, Lasky. We have to get out of here.

I'll take you to the gold.

Come on.

Lasky. Where is it?

I've thought of everything, darling. We'll be happy.

Where's the gold?

At last, Lasky. We're together.

Where is it?

Let's go.

The coffin. The one on the wagon.

Not now, Lasky. I want to be sure.

It's almost dawn. It's dangerous.

Please, Lasky. Wait.

This place frightens me.

Let's go.

Heavy, isn't it?

You've got everything you wanted. What are we waiting for?

Come on, Lasky.

Go away. Go away!

Shall we go halves?

It's all or nothing.

Just like in the cemetery, Lasky.

I wasn't a ghost then and I'm not one now.

You're a ghost. No.

You're wrong. I've got no bullets left.

Oh, yeah?

I'll see.

Pick up your gun.


When it's empty, Lasky.

I knew I couldn't do it.



Poor Lasky.

He... set his mind on things, you know.

Good bye, Dusty.

But... are you taking the dead man with you?

Hey. Did you hear me?


You still haven't told me who you are.

A first-class pall bearer, my friend.