In the Army Now (1994) Script

BONES CONWAY: Well, uh, here's lookin' at you, pilgrim.

So, Jack, this is good.

JACK KAUFMAN: What are we gonna do tonight?

BONES: Oh, you know what? I was gonna ask you. What?

JACK: Can Gabriella hook me up with her, uh...

BONES: Oh, you know what? She's got this new friend she met the other day at the mall.

Her name is Rosa. JACK: Yeah? Hook me up.

Yeah, she's Spanish. Espanol. JACK: Hook me up. Si, si, senor.

BONES: But the only thing... Wow, watch out for that.

BONES: The only thing is, Rosa, she's kind of dumb. She's kinda...

Watch out for the water! Water, water! Ahh!

Whoa!

She's kinda like, she's kinda like large.

JACK: That's good for me.

Bones, look out! You're gonna get killed, right there.

BONES: If it's too hot for ya, son, get outta the kitchen.

This is war. No room for the faint of heart.

When you're in the heat of battle, and you lean down and put your hand in a puddle of goo, that two seconds before was your friend's face, that is war, son, now that is war!

This right here? Well, this is just a game.

Look at this road right here. See that? Hop it.

BONES: Yeah. Boom! Watch this. You're doin' great.

That's nice. See how I just blew all those guys?

Look. Now there's the thing.

Look up! Look up! Look up!

No, on the... Oh.

VOICE: Game over. You are dead.

Shouldn't we get back to work?

I'm working. Look, I'm testing out new products.

What are you so paranoid for, anyways?

Pretty soon we're gonna have our own store.

Look, Quinn's gonna fire your ass from this place.

Do you think I'm scared of that... What is he?

He looks like a Lurch.

"Hey, I'm Quinn."

Are you afraid of him? No.

Bones?

Quinn's lookin' for you.

I told him you were playin' video games.

Hold this, okay? I gotta do somethin'.

Oh, yeah, you're not afraid, huh?


This is all for you. See all the money I'm savin'?

Wow, Quinn, look at you! You're lookin' fantastic!

Is that a new suit? It's got to be Armani.

Oh, it's J.C. Penney.

At least you wear it well.

Is that Brut I smell?

What did we say about leaving the sales floor?

You told me not to, and I won't.

If this place catches fire, I'm sellin' tape decks to the firemen.

You're not selling anything to anybody!

That's why we're letting you go. Where?

Home. No, no, no, no, Quinn. Hey, hey, you can't fire me.

C'mon! I'm a Crazy Boy! I'm a dedicated Crazy Boy.

Bones, let's not drag this out.

Look, Quinn, hey look. C'mon. Please.

I mean, my rent's due.

My mom, she needs another tummy tuck. Please. Come on...

No, Bones. No, not this time.

Please, there's a lot of personal...

Please don't let me...

Please don't let me go, Quinn. I could be crazier.

Let go of my leg!

I could be totally insane!

Bones, let go of my leg. WOMAN: Bones, you have a customer waiting.

You'll have to excuse me, Mr. Quinn. I have a customer, a customer who evidently asked for me by name.

Hi! May I help you, miss?

Yes. You sold me this Watchman last week, and, uh, I'm afraid I have to return it.

See, I knew you'd be returning it.

It's too small. It'll ruin your eyesight.

And besides, I could tell the one you really want is this one.

This is our top-of-the-line.

Our very best 35" projection stereo color monitor, with advanced super-digital P-in-P.

I'm sorry. That's way out of my price range.

Not with our $200 rebate, no money down, ten-month deferred, 64-month layaway plan.

You ask yourself, "How could it be?" Right?

♪ Because-a we're-a Crazy Boys! ♪ Sorry, they make us do that.

That's a very nice offer, but this is just a...

Plus this screen, though, it promotes good eyesight.

Really? Uh-huh.

Four out of five optometrists recommend it.

Okay, I'll take it.

BONES: Okay, fantastic. Here you go.

I'm gonna take this to the cashier, and I'm gonna arrange everything.

Thank you very much.

WOMAN: ...you're needed for a carryout.

Huh?

Hmm? C'mon. Am I not still a Crazy Boy?

That is Brut I smell, you pervert.

Bones!

C'mon.

BONES: Shh. Coming.

NEWSCASTER: Friends of both parties...

Have been making frequent appearances at the courthouse all day...

Gabriella, you were outstanding.

Yeah, right. This is the last time I save your butt, okay?

I work too, you know. I know. It was an emergency.

The guy was about to fire me.

It's always an emergency.

They better take that TV back. They're gonna take it back.

Now, how 'bout just giving your little Italian sausage man a little kissy-pooh?

NEWSCASTER: The U.S. has issued strong warnings...

GABRIELLA: You are so irresponsible!

Can't you be serious for one minute?

BONES: Okay, I'll be serious. Let's get naked.

GABRIELLA: Not now! Not here!

Why? Don't you love me anymore?

GABRIELLA: Yes. Yes. Of course I love you.

Yeah, but look, your boss is gonna catch us. Come on, a little...

I don't care about that perverted fatso in a J.C. Penney suit.

Bones!

BONES: Jack, turn it off! Turn it off!

Turn it off!

Well, uh...

I can't believe he actually fired us.

Oh, come on, Bones, we blew up 22 TV sets.

Yeah, but don't those things come with warranties?

I'm sorry, man. You know, I didn't realize Quinn could see you in all of those TVs.

No problemo, my friend.

I was sick of gettin' down on my knees for that guy, anyway.

Whoa! Bones, I had no idea.

Begging for my job.

I know. I know.

You know what, Jack? This is amazing. You know what this does?

Yeah. This brings us one step closer to the store.

No, no, no. What this does is it brings us one step closer to living in the dumpster.

How are we gonna get rent for the store if we don't have rent for our apartment?

Excuse me. Can we play through?

Yeah.

Sorry, we were just discussing...

Hey! Oh, my God!

Army!

Navy! Air Force! Marines!

No.

Did you order a code red? Answer me!

Did you order a code red, man?

You want the truth? You can't handle the truth.

Yay! He's goofin' off.

C'mon, Bones.

Wow, that was my Nicholson impression. JACK: Good.

I do it sometimes when I play golf.

Bones, c'mon, man! I couldn't help myself. I'm sorry.

When you join the Army, is it true you have to give your whole life away?

Nah. It's nothin' like that with us. We're in the Reserves.

What's that?

Let's just get this straight here.

After our basic training, we owe you two weeks a year and one weekend a month for which we get paid.

And on top of it, you're gonna throw in $2,500 just for signing up?

Basically, yes.

Wow! Then how come everybody isn't in the Reserves?

Do people actually know about this stuff?

Well, we do try to advertise.

Oh, yeah. Um, "It's not a job, it's an adventure."

No, that's the Navy.

"The few and the proud?" No, that's the Marines.

Hmm. "Keep going, going and gone?"

No, no. That's the, um, Energizer bunny. Gentlemen.

We're, "Be all you can be."

Yeah.

♪ In the Army You need us, and we need you.

It's a win-win situation.

I got one more question. Could I get a pen?

Oh, no. Actually, could we just have a second...

Uh, amongst ourselves? Certainly.

Take all the time you need.

Just hold that ballpoint.

Just one... JACK: Come here.

This is insane! "Why doesn't everybody join?"

Weren't you listening to him in there?

Shh.

It's like joining a health spa, only they pay us.

Oh, my God. You're going nuts. We are the beneficiaries.

We get a guaranteed check for eight years, and a special skill.

A special skill? Yeah, yeah.

Look at the pamphlets. Yeah, here we go.

"Land Combat Missile Op?" Opportunities!

"Tactical Fire Specialist?"

You heard him talkin' about combat pay, right?

You know, you have to be in combat to get paid for that, right?

He said Reserves aren't called up unless there's a major conflict.

When was the last war, huh? Yeah!

World War II?

No! Twenty years ago.

Have you ever heard of Vietnam, huh?

Desert Storm? No? No. Uh-uh.

What? I'm kidding. Gimme the brochure.

We're gonna go to the Unemployment Office. No, just let me see it.

Let me just check. "Tank Turret Repair, Land Mining Specialist."

"Water purification?" Water purification!

That's it. What?

Water purification. I'm telling you, it's a snap.

My brother's a pool man.

Hey, look, you take dirty water and you make it clean.

How hard can that be? I don't know.

And, hey, if there is a war, what are we gonna go in there with?

Water balloons?

That's... I mean... But, but... Jack.

Yeah? This is for our future, okay?

If we can sign up now, we get a guaranteed check for $2,500.

If you times that times two... Wow!

That's $6,000. That's nice.

I know. Yeah. It's a nice chunk of change. Huh?

But, hey.

This is for our store.

Yeah. Look, I'll even give you first billing.

No, you don't have to do that. No, no, no.

"Jack's and Bones' Palace of Stereos." Oh...

Let's just do it. All right. All right. all right. Let's do it.

Oh, yes!

♪ Get a haircut and get a real job

♪ Clean your act up and don't be a slob

♪ Get it together like your big brother Bob

♪ Why don't you get a haircut and get a real job

♪ I need to try that 9:00 to 5:00 scene

♪ I told myself that it was all a bad dream

♪ I found a band and some good songs to play ♪ Hi. Um...

See, everybody knows me for my hair.

What I need you to do is just, just a little bit on the side.

Not a whole bunch. Kinda keep it like it's still...

I'd like to see you in something short but sassy.

A real '90s look.

Something that works as well on the rifle range as it does in the disco.

Okay. That's perfect.

♪ Get a haircut and get a real job ♪ MAN: All right.

Does my head...

I mean, look at it. I don't know. Yeah.

Does it look bigger than it did...

I mean, do I look like a baked potato? Honestly?

Yeah, honestly. It... It looks great. It really does.

Really! Really? Really!

It looks macho.

All right!

Look at these, man. Look at these.

Army issued. See, I think those are unique.

Idiotic! No, those are unique.

See, you're distinctive. No one has them. Really?

You're king. One of a kind. All right!

They broke the mold when they made you, Jack.

JACK: Bones, I can't... I can't do it!

Jack, come on. I can't do it, man! I can't do it.

This is just like your childhood, remember?

Yeah, yeah. You're right, you're right.

That guy is exactly like my dad.

See? Come on!

Wait a minute, though! My childhood sucked!

No, I can't do it, man. I can't...

I can't handle being yelled at by some muscle-bound drill sergeant.

No, man. I can't do it.

Get the hell off the truck!

Oh, whoa.

She can drill me anytime.

On the double, right now! Come on!

Move it! Move it! Hello, Sweet Pants.

Get down here! Get down!

Oh, rough stuff. Hi.

And take those glasses off!

What'd you think? You're on some beach or somethin'? No.

What's your name, Private?

Bones Conway, reportin' for duty, sir!

All right!

I mean, ma'am, sergeant, whatever.

You will address me as Drill Sergeant.

Do you understand?

Yes, but you don't need to yell, 'cause look, I'm standing right here.

I'm not yellin' at you, Private.

Drill sergeants do not yell.

We simply speak in a voice loud enough so everyone can hear.

That way we all learn from each other's mistakes.

Oh, okay. Thanks for explaining it.

From here on out, your butt is mine.

You will obey every order without question!

Grunt!

Oh, you're a funny boy, huh?

Cutie pie, right?

Well, I don't know ya, but I don't even like ya.

And I make it my personal mission to turn you into a soldier.

For the next eight weeks, I'll be all over your butt like white on rice!

Is that a promise?

Give me 20!

Well, my wallet... Here, hold these. Drop and give me 20!

Boy, you better get on the ground and give me them push-ups.

It's been a while.

All the way up and down, right?

Pump! Pump.

One!

Is that good?

Get up! Get up!

Everybody up!

On your feet. Off the racks right now, sleepin' beauties.

Get your butt off that rack.

Ow! Ow! Ow!

Get up! I'm up. I'm up.

I'm up!

Extend to the left!

ALL: Extend to the left!

Forward!

All right, Privates, on command begin like the last drills.

Run in place. When I say go. Go!

Jack? Yeah?

Where'd the sun go?

There is no sun anymore, Bones.

The sun is gone.

We died, and this is hell.

Oh, okay. Thanks for explaining it.

Private, you've got that weapon around backwards.

Oh. Thanks.

LADD: See the picture on the front of this weapon? BONES: Mmm-hmm.

It's put there for Privates like you.

It's idiot proof.

Seven, Drill Sergeant!

The gig line runs down the seam of your shirt, through the edge of your belt buckle, down the seam of your zipper.

This is a straight gig line.

See it, learn it, do it.

From here on out, anyone without a straight gig line will have to answer to me.

Conway, what the hell is this?

Drill Sergeant, I guess my gig line needs straightening, huh?

Ah!

Oh!

Thank you, Drill Sergeant!

Don't thank me. Thank your recruiter.

Come on, boy! Come on! You can't do it!

I know you can't do it!

There are two types of bayonet fighters, the quick and the dead.

What are you? ALL: Quick!

What are they? Dead!

What are you? Quick!

What are they? Dead!

What are you? Quick!

What are they? Dead!

Any volunteers? BONES: Yeah!

What are you, crazy? I sure am.

I'm a crazy boy!

Hello!

LADD: Conway. Yes, ma'am.

Come here. I'm on my way.

Mmm.

Hi. Hit me.

Let's not fight. Come here.

Hit me or you'll be sorry!

I can't hit you. You're a girl.

And...

I love you.

You got two seconds to hit me.

Okay, but this is gonna hurt. Any other volunteer?

ALL: Oh!

Oh, shit! I'm sorry. I was just gonna...

I'm gonna teach you a lesson.

Never...

Drop...

Your guard.

Got it!

Can I please throw up now?

Get up! Pump! Get mad.

Yeah, you get mad, you! Get mad! Thirty-eight, Drill Sergeant!

Now, listen to me very carefully, Private.

This is exactly the same as practice, but this is a real, live grenade.

I want you to do exactly as you've been trained.

Yes, Drill Sergeant.

When I give the command to execute, I want you to drop the pin, throw the grenade.

Yes, Drill Sergeant.

Drop the pin, throw the grenade.

Yes, Drill Sergeant.

Execute.

Move it!

BONES: Help! Help!

Thanks, Drill Sergeant. You saved my life.

I owe you one.

No, you owe me 50.

Fifty!

♪ Mama, mama can't you see ALL: ♪ Mama, mama can't you see

♪ Drill Sergeant Ladd made a man outta me

♪ Drill Sergeant Ladd made a man outta me ♪ OFFICER 2: And that I will obey the orders of the President of the United States.

ALL: And I will obey the orders of the President of the United States.

And the orders of the officers appointed over me.

ALL: And the orders of the officers appointed over me.

According to regulations...

ALL: According to regulations...

And the uniform code of military justice.

ALL: And the uniform code of military justice.

So help me God.

So help me God.

You look great! Nice to meet you. Bye.

Be good. Take care. Bye.

Ah, it's the uniforms, man! I know.

LADD: Private Conway!

Never thought I'd say this, but I think I've done the impossible...

I've turned you into soldiers.

BOTH: Thank you, Drill Sergeant.

Carry on.

Uh, is this, uh, unit 341? That's us, soldier.

Hey, Bones Conway, here. This is my partner Jack.

Hi. Christine.

Nice to meet you. Looks like we'll be working together. Good.

Christine, a la G.I. Jane, right?

What brings a pretty little lady like you to water purification?

I wanted infantry, but until they ax that crap about women not being allowed in combat, I'll just have to settle for kickin' your little butt.

Oh!

That would be nice.

Feisty one, huh? I like that.

Shut up.

I'm gonna have to kill your friend.

Hey, Bones Conway.

Hey, Fred Ostroff. Good to meet you.

You okay, Fred? Oh, man, I'm fine.

Thanks. Thank you.

So, uh, what do you do when you don't purify water?

Well, I'm goin' into my final year of dental school.

Wow. Now that is great.

No, it's not. Why?

Did you know that dentists are more feared and loathed than any other profession?

That's including lawyers.

No. See, I don't think people hate dentists.

It's just the sound of that drill.

Yeah. And then they stick that sucking thing in the back of your mouth like this.

And the nurse says, "I'll be right back."

Then they jam those cardboard x-ray things.

And then they...

And you know when there's... you have a cavity, they take that pointy thing and they...

All right?

The nurse leaves, and she goes to lunch.

And she jams it back there, right?

Meanwhile, there is a lead apron, right, on the thing, and you're sitting there like...

Can somebody... Help me?

See, see? That's what I'm talkin' about.

If you don't want to talk about it, it's okay.

Oh, no, no, no. It's good. We should talk about it, 'cause my therapist said that I need to get it out.

Kinda like an emotional enema.

So we talked about it and said, "Why not join the Army Reserve?"

"Be all that you can be..." On the weekends.

Yeah. Yeah.

Maybe it'd help me to face those things in my life that I'm most afraid of.

And what are you afraid of?

Uh...

Well, I'd have to say, uh, damn near everything.

Floss? Hey!

Keep it.

Good morning.

INSTRUCTION OFFICER: Purifying our water is one of the most vital operations in the military.

It is absolutely vital that you know your equipment inside and out.

Two soldiers must man the hose at all times.

This is for your own safety, people.

Okay!

Never lose control of your hose.

Turn it off!

Turn it off!

INSTRUCTION OFFICER: After careful training, you will be able to produce potable water from the most disgusting, swampy, parasite-infected, diseased water. Hey, guys!

Look. It's our first glass of purified water.

All right!

Go for it, man. Try it.

Nah, I'm not gonna try.

Here, you try it. I'm not gonna try it.

We should get Christine.

BOTH: Yeah! She'll taste anything.

I'm not gonna try it.

Oh, let's get Freddy.

BONES: Okay. CHRISTINE: Oh, Freddy!

No, thanks. I'm allergic. It'll make me break out.

ALL: Well, then, who's gonna try it?

Who's the leader of this outfit?

ALL: He is.

Son, I've been doin' this for a long time, and I gotta say, this is the best damn glass of purified water I ever had.

Congratulations!

Keep this up, and I'll be puttin' you in for Private First Class.

BONES: Thank you, Sergeant.

But I could not have done it without the inspirational guidance of my brother, the pool man!

Be right back, honey.

Excuse me.

Better go freshen up.

You're not gonna follow me into the bathroom, Bones.

No, come on. Bye. Oh, baby.

Speak-a French and Italiano.

♪ Baby, baby, let's get together

♪ Honey, honey, me and you

♪ And do the things, ah, do the things

♪ That we like to do

♪ Oh, do a little dance, make a little love ♪ Bones!

Put your clothes back on.

Come on. He hasn't seen you in eight weeks.

Yeah!

Honey! Look what I did for you. The Army did this.

You look buff. I know.

Did you miss me? Of course I did.

Uh, oh...

Honey, wait, wait. Hold it here a second. Listen, hey!

We're in the middle of a party.

Your friends might come in. That'd be cool.

I don't think. I think it's very rude if we stay here more than a couple minutes.

Two minutes? That's perfect. Uh-huh.

I look to be cuddled afterwards.

Mmm.

Hold that thought.

Somebody better be dead. Hello.

MAN: This is an official message.

I saw a flock of wild geese migrating south.

I say again, the geese are migrating south.

Yeah? Well, uh, my goose is about to lay a golden egg.

So, you're gonna have to cruise the south solo, okay? Have a nice flight.

Who was it? Someone who's into birds.

What? I don't know. Caw, caw!

Look, you saw the goose. I'm the walrus and Paul is dead.

And I'm tryin' to bury my beak here, so give it a rest!

All right, that's it.

Jack!

BONES: Get the phone. Who is it?

It's a freak calling about wild geese migrating.

Hello. Bones!

What... No, just don't. Christine, don't. Look.

Which way?

Who cares?

North or south?

South.

Yes! Yes, yes!

What?

You guys, don't you remember?

About the code?

So that if we got called up for active duty then we would know it was for real.

It's gotta be a mistake. It's gotta be Chad.

Hello, Mama? It's Frederick.

Uh, you sittin' down?

Chad is an African country, the one that Libya's about to invade.

Uh, turn off the music.

Do you remember when you told me that every Black man should visit the motherland?

Bones, why do you think I chose water purification?

Mmm, is your brother a pool man? No.

It's because Chad is in a desert.

And water purification is the Reserve occupation most likely to be called up if there's a desert war.

And there's a desert war, and we're going!

Mmm. That's it, Bones. I'm gonna kill you.

You gotta relax here.

Okay? I'm gonna get us outta this one.

Trust me.

At ease.

Sir, I know we're going to Chad, but there's something you need to know about Jack and I before we go, sir.

Yes?

Uh, Bones and I are very close friends.

Very. Oh, I see.

In that case, boys, I guess you're not going to Chad.

Sorry to disappoint you, sir.

Uh, just one thing.

Mmm-hmm. Anything.

Kiss 'im.

'Scuse me?

Kiss your friend.

You don't have a problem with that now, do ya?

Oh, no. Uh-uh.

He kisses me every day.

Just do it.

Oh, shit. Is it hot in Chad?

As the Libyan raids against U.N. forces near the border continue, this U.S. force is being readied to deter the invasion threatened by the Libyan leader in his television broadcast last night.

As the buildup here continues, the first Army Reserve units arrived here today.

These units will aid in the supply... Hello, Mama.

...and logistical support of the growing U.S. presence here.

These troops are in high spirits, and the morale is high.

And their hopes are high that this mission... All right, soldiers, let's go!

...will remain a peaceful one.

Reporting live from Chad for Worldwide News Report, this is Stu Krieger.

I am First Sergeant Brandon T. Williams.

It is my intention to run this company like a clock.

If one gear slips in my clock, my clock'll tell the wrong time.

If one spring is loose in my clock, my clock'll tell the wrong time.

First Sergeant Williams likes his clock to tell the right time.

Do you understand me?

ALL: Yes, First Sergeant!

What did he just say?

I don't know. Something about his clock being broken.

Have my words fallen upon deaf ears?

Yes, Sergeant! I mean, no, Sergeant.

Don't you know I'm your First Sergeant?

Well, actually, I wish you were my First Sergeant, but I already had a couple ones already.

Drop and give me push-ups!

You will continue to do push-ups until you learn to address me as First Sergeant, is that clear?

Yes, First Sergeant! Count off!

One, First Sergeant. Two, First Sergeant.

Three, First Sergeant. Four, First Sergeant.

Five, First Sergeant. Six, First Sergeant. Don't eyeball me.

Seven, First Sergeant. Eight, First Sergeant. Nine, First Sergeant.

10, First Sergeant. 11, First Sergeant. 12, First Sergeant.

13, First Sergeant. 14, First Sergeant.

123, First Sergeant. 124, First Sergeant.

125, First Sergeant. That's enough. On your feet!

Son, I bet you did a lot of push-ups when you were in basic training, didn't you?

Yes, First Sergeant. Well, you just did your last push-up, soldier.

I will never ask you to do another.

Thank you, First Sergeant.

You just graduated to peelin' potatoes.

BONES: 6,543, First Sergeant.

6,544, First Sergeant.

Oh, First Sergeant. 6,545, First Sergeant. Ooh.

Six thousand, one... 600,000, 5,452, First Sergeant.

Shit, I lost count.

BONES: Wait, we got it! We got it! We got it! Look!

CHRISTINE: That's my butt!

JACK: Good one, Bones.

MAN: ♪ Kumbaya ♪ CHRISTINE: Stop it!

Oh, cool, look. Hey.

It's a sunroof.

Oh, look.

Gabriella tucked a little note into my duffel bag.

JACK: Aw! BONES: Yeah.

"Dear Bones, by the time you read this I will already be..."

What? "I will already be in Milan with Guido."

Oh, she dumped ya. Sorry, Bones.

I must say, this guy sounds really nice.

He's got a villa right on the Adriatic Sea.

Jack, don't rub it in.

No, no. You're better off.

She's a horrible speller. There's only one "S" in loser. Look at that.

And, "Immaturish"? I don't even think that's a word.

Gabriella, she... She broke my heart.

Sorry.

Well, fortunately, I'm too shallow to stay bummed for too long.

I'll take that.

Mmm.

Uh, would you mind turning the light off please, Jack?

Oh, yeah.

Fred, you checked your bag for scorpions. Right?

For scorpions?

He's messing with you, Fred.

JACK: No, I'm not.

Chad is the scorpion capital of the world.

Yep, Fred. They're big ones too. 'Bout as big as my fist.

JACK: They outnumber people two to one.

And that margin grows with every sting.

So, have a good sleep, Fred.

Good night, everybody. Good night, Bones.

Night, Sue Ellen.

SUE: Night, John Boy.

Scorpions!

Yeah, right.

I got one. I got one!

I got one. I got one!

I got one. I got one!

I got one. I got one!

I got one. I got one!

Very funny!

We're just tryin' to help ya get over your fears, Fred, really.

Fred, don't worry about it. You come sleep with me.

I'd rather take my chances with the scorpion, thank you.

God, I hate this.

It's not that bad. It's like camp.

♪ John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt

♪ That's my name too ♪ That's my name too

♪ Whenever we go out the people always shout

♪ There's goes John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt

♪ Da, da, da, da

♪ John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt BONES: Come on! ♪ That's my name too ♪ Shut up!


Don't eat the chicken.

Man, it tastes just like frog. Are you... Can I...

Thanks. Enjoy.

STERN: Ready! Go!

Who are they?

Special Forces. Mmm.

14.11 seconds.

Damn! Try it again.

SOLDIER: Go! He's incredible.

Time me.

All right.

Go!

Shoo! Shoo! Shoo!

Shoo! Shoo!

Shoo! Shoo!

Where'd it hit? Oh, that's not good.

What happened? That is not good.

JACK: Oh, great. He's comin' over.

Just... Just don't look at 'im.

You lose somethin'?

Yeah, thanks.

You put it in my lasagna.

You better call 911, get an ambulance, find a doctor, order a toe tag...

...'cause I'm gonna tear off your head and spit it down your neck, you understand me, boy?

Huh?

Hey! Hey!

You have to relax a little. Take it easy.

We're in the middle of a war, and we're on the same side.

MAN: Yeah, dude.

Would America have won the Civil War if Benjamin Franklin did not get along with Eleanor Roosevelt?

SOLDIER: Right on! BONES: A little knowledge.

A little knowledge to parter.

Hmm? Go ahead, man.

If our soldiers, our American soldiers, acted like this in Desert Storm...

Saddam Hussein would still be running Iraq.

SOLDIER: Uh, what?

Excuse me.

So maybe we're a bunch of Reservists fresh off the plane, right?

It's obvious. But you regular guys, you've been here so long that your brains are fried!

So I guess, what I'm really trying to say is...

SOLDIER 2: Come on, genius, spit it out.

That doesn't mean we all can't be friends...

Please.

There's only one problem with you newbies.

SOLDIER 3: Tell him the truth man.

You don't eat enough.

No, that's, that's...

OFFICER: Attention!

As you were.

Son, I bet the Mess Sergeant could use a volunteer to peel potatoes.

Yes, sir!

Can we count on you?

Yes, sir.

Carry on.

I happen to know, on this base, there's not one unpeeled potato.

I heard the, uh, Libyans are already backing down, and we're gonna be outta here in two weeks.

Yeah?

Well, I hear they're sending 20,000 more troops, and we're gonna be here 'til Christmas.

Wait, wait, wait, wait. Hey! Wait!

Where you goin'?

It's not like I got bad breath.

Help.

And until they comply with U.N. resolution 991, I don't think anybody's goin' anywhere.

Uh, you're amazing, Christine.

How do you keep up with all that stuff?

Christine?

Christine?

All right, quit screwin' around.

Chris, send some water with this mud!

Chris!

Jack?

You...

Fred?

How's it feel to be dead, water boy?

I don't know. How does it feel to be a dick, dick?

Dammit! Where's my water?

There was none delivered last night, First Sergeant.

Goddamn piece of shit newbies.

How am I gonna run a decent H.Q. without my coffee?

That is truly a pathetic sight.

Who perpetrated this?

Ow!

Who did this to you?

I can't tell you, First Sergeant.

What? You have too much honor?

No! I've been threatened with death.

Untie these clowns, and get me some water!

DRILL SERGEANT: ♪ I just love it any ol' way PLATOON: ♪ I just love it any ol' way ♪ I have an announcement.

Do you guys want your water, 'cause you're lookin' a little bit crispy?

You better... Oh, I know. I know. I know.

Tell me if this is right. I better call 976, find a doctor and tag an ambulance, 'cause you're gonna tear off my toe and spit down my head, right?

Do you guys want your water or not?

SOLDIER: Sergeant!

Report to Captain Roberts. You've got a mission.

SOLDIER: Water boys, report to First Sergeant Williams, you've got a mission too.

Listen up! Captain Denby says we're gonna resupply the forward U.N. peace-keeping base.

This is a very simple, routine mission.

You will fall into line in a very large, very prepared convoy.

All you have to do is follow the truck in front of you.

When your troops get thirsty, you will give them water.

Conway, you look confused.

Are you sure you wanna send us to a forward area?

We're just water boys. You are soldiers!

You will get in that convoy, and you will be a credit to the United States Army.

Is that clear? ALL: Yes, First Sergeant!

Then muscle your lollygaggin' butts and move out!

ALL: Yes, First Sergeant!


Dammit!

Forget it. They're gonna send a tow truck.

Man, what I wouldn't do for a double-meat, chili cheeseburger right now.

No, a margarita on the rocks.

Mmm.

Or some fresh, buttery Jiffy-Pop.

That's not popcorn, boys.

Hmm?

That convoy's under attack.

Really? I don't think so.

A maniac's shooting at us!

It's not a maniac. It's the enemy!

What the hell are you doing? Surrendering!

Don't shoot!

Damn!

Nice goin', Christine.

Did you have to shoot so close, huh? You scared the shit outta me.

Well, excuse me for livin'!

I was just tryin' to save your worthless little life.

Christine, are you aware that after a near-death experience, there's often a desire to have sex?

Yeah, Jack. That's right.

I feel it. All right!

Just not with you... Ever!

Got it? Yeah. Got it.

I'm glad we could have this little talk.

I didn't feel anything.

You guys, let's get outta here The truck's on fire!

Stay low. It's gonna...

...explode.

Where's Bones?

BONES: Hello!

Now rickity-tick your mustering lollygaggin'.

Let's lollygaggin' outta here!

Isn't the road that way?

Takin' the shortcut.

Is there one? Mm-hmm.

The road curves around like this.

All we gotta do is cut through the desert here, and catch up with the convoy over there.

Watch out! Come on!

I think I know what I'm doing here.

I guess this is the wrong time to tell you guys I get very easily carsick.

CHRISTINE: Bones, I don't see a road.

I have the best sense of direction of anyone you know. The road's over there.

Three miles... Maybe four.

JACK: Oh, yeah. Maybe 10, maybe 20.

Maybe our truck is sinking.

No!

Push!

Just forget it, okay? Just shut it down. We'll dig it out.

No, stand back. Stand back. I'm gonna rock it.

Will you quit? It's not working.

You're sucking too much sand into the air filter.

I order you to shut it down now!

You order me?

Yeah, but I'm Private First Class.

Okay? I'm ordering you. Come on.

The only reason you made...

Private First Class is because your brother's a pool man.

Huh? You happy?

Get off! You happy?

Yeah, well, I hope you brought your Triple "A" cards.

Let's see.

Oh! Well, look. You cracked the block.

I could've done it if you hadn't stopped me.

Yeah! You're so full of it.

You know what? CHRISTINE: Shut up!

We gotta figure out what we're gonna do.

Why don't you just ask our fearless leader here?

Private First Class Bones, the one with the highest rank.

All you had to do, Jack, was just listen to me. Okay? I was trying to...

All I've ever done is listen to you, and look where it's taken me.

Look! We're in the middle of some African hellhole under a flesh-frying sun with the sky filled with vultures ready to pluck out my eyeballs.

Vultures don't come around unless something's about to die.

Are you ripping the sleeves off your jacket?

Well, that's gonna look sexy.

Jack, tomorrow we have to walk away from this water truck.

We have two canteens between us.

We're gonna fill up the sleeves of our jacket's with water and then we have more water.

Am I the only person who paid attention in survival class?

There's a scorpion on my back!

There's a scorpion on my back!

That's enough!

There's not a scorpion on your back!

Uh-uh.

There is a scorpion on my back!

Fred, there's nothing on your back.

You keep on imagining things.

Thank you. I needed that.

I'm sorry I snapped.

Look, you don't have to apologize.

You're right!

I see things very clear now.

All right, Fred! Hey?

FRED: Look guys, I want to apologize to everybody. Okay?

He's okay. I feel like a brand-new man.

All right. Now, can we get some rest?

Okay. Thank you.

What are you doing?

Just felt like going...

You're always playing!

Did you guys see that thing? It was...

BONES: Follow me. I know exactly where I'm goin'.

♪ When all there's left to do Trust me.

♪ 'Cause you're fightin' what's been done

♪ This is where sadness breathes

♪ The sadness of everyone

♪ Just like when the guys quit the damn at Otter Creek

♪ And all the water backed up

♪ Deep enough to die ♪ You guys, get down. I see something. Get down!

It's a truck! There's the road. We are saved!

I told you I had a flawless sense of direction.

BONES: What a coincidence! That truck looks...

That looks like our truck.

BONES: Hey, listen you guys. Hey.

I figured out why we went in circles.

Do you remember our map-reading class?

We didn't follow the sun!

Look, this stream is due west.

All we have to do is walk away from the sun in the morning, and towards the sun in the afternoon and we should be there by nightfall.

So you're saying we should risk being dried up into human jerky again...

...just to follow another one of your half-baked plans.

I'm not saying anything, okay?

I mean, I'm pretty sure this is gonna work.

But since I let us down before, I say from here on in, we put everything to a vote.

We can't vote.

You order. We follow.

Okay, well, I order us to vote.

That is not how the Army goes. You have to tell us what to do.

What if I'm wrong?

Then... We die.

I order us...

To do a sunbaked... Plan thing.

We're dead.

BONES: Hey, guys, just think of it as a very long day...

...on a very big beach in a very dry year.

JACK: Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Wait a minute. It's the ocean.

I don't see anything.

What, are you blind? The...The waves!

It's the ocean!

It's a mirage!

It is a mirage!

And there's Caesars.

And right across the street is the Barbary Coast where you can get a $3.99 buffet.

It's the ocean! Come on!

Come on! Let's go!

Come on! First one in!

Come on!

Here's a canteen. Go get your boy 'cause he's buggin'.

Are you okay, man? Are you okay? Here.

Take a sip.

Listen.

Look, Jack, we got two choices...

One, we could put your clothes back on, we get ourselves out of this mess.

Go back to Glendale. Start up our own store.

Become rich and famous!

Or two, you can lie here butt-naked and crust away, leaving your skull to be found by a young Arabic prince that's gonna use it for an ashtray.

You don't want that in your head.

You make the call. Come on, let's get outta here.

What do you say? Come on.

Here. Here.

Here. Here.

Come on.

Come on.

Hey. Oh, Jack, look at that ass!

Maybe you should stay naked, get some sun on those cheeks.

What?

Oh, man, now I'm seeing things.

The palm trees right on the horizon.

CHRISTINE: Oh! It's another mirage.

Oh, my God, I see it too. It's not a mirage.

Those are the palm trees! It's the oasis!

Oh, man. You saved our lives!

Where's my kiss? Christine?

This stream was due west. Right?

It was on the map, right?

Where's the water?

This is sand.

Nobody move.

There is a big snake right by your feet.

Ah!

BONES: Thanks for not movin', Jack.

Throw me the gun.

If you don't attack it, it'll go away.

I, I don't want it to go away.

I want to have it for dinner.

Throw me the gun.

Ah!

You want some of this, baby, huh?

There you go. Come on!

Oh, oh...

Oh, no. Oh...

I'm still gonna getcha!

You're gonna die, vermin! I'll kill you!

Huh? Shudda-budda-da-da-da!

Huh?

It's a win-win situation.

Would you look at that?

JACK: Water from the bullet hole.

Water! Yeah!

JACK: Water! Water!

Fresh water! I can't believe it!

Is it snake yet?

Depends how you like it. Well done!

He used to be afraid of scorpions, now he's eatin' snake!

That is impressive, Fred.

I thought we were all gonna die.

But you pulled us through.

I don't know how, but thank you.

That was, uh...

Pretty exceptional.

So what are you gonna do if I get us rescued?

Um...

I will take off all your clothes, tie you to the bed,

rub warm oil all over your body, from the bottom of those feet to the top of that head, and proceed to have the nastiest, freakiest sex with you that you have ever imagined.

Wow.

Oh, that's it. Dammit! I saw her first!

And look what happens!

The same thing that happened with Gabriella.

I saw her first.

And Wanda Tushman.

In the third grade. I saw her first!

And that girl in Palm Springs that turned out to be the guy.

I saw that thing first, too.

You know why I'm not just strangling you right now?

'Cause you can't cook a snake?

No.

Because no matter how long we've been friends, I never thought you'd be the kind of guy that would save our lives, let alone kill a snake.

But you did. Hey, man, thanks.

Yeah.

I think it's the U.N. flag.

We're saved!

Guys, Christine and I are gonna need some time alone.

Sure, man!

REPORTER: ...President in the situation room of the White House today.

And the President is scheduled to address the nation tomorrow at 6:00 P.M. Eastern Standard Time.

We will... Welcome.

You are the reservists from Glendale, California. Correct?

According to W.N.R., you are presumed dead in a truck explosion.

Um, where are we?

You are on a military base well inside Libya.

That is all you need to know.

Oh, I forgot to mention.

The war is starting tomorrow.

How'd you know that?

American TV.

Your country is expected to start bombing our air bases tomorrow.

And when that happens, we will unleash missiles with chemical warheads against your bases.

Consider yourself lucky to be here.

Sleep well.

You know, this is fine. It's like the time you got us arrested in Tijuana.

Except we're in Libya.

And your dad's not gonna pick us up here, brother.

Yo, aren't you guys also American?

Ah, see. I see.

I was wounded and I don't feel well.

Please sing a song to comfort me.

Sing a song? Any song!

They could hear you.

Oh, because of the thing.

Oh, okay.

♪ Rescue me Sing.

♪ I want your tender charms 'Cause I'm so lonely

♪ And I'm blue ♪ My team was on strategic recon.

Oh?

You know, that's when you go behind enemy lines.

And try to locate their assets like tanks and bunkers.

We were on our way to a resupply drop and we were ambushed.

The other guys were killed. Killed?

♪ I need you by my side

♪ Can't you see that I'm lonely I took a bullet in the leg, and they brought me here.

♪ Uh-huh, I don't know any words to this song ♪

♪ Kiss me, baby ♪ Kiss me, baby

♪ Kiss me, baby, yeah Hold me, baby ♪

♪ Love me, baby ♪ ♪ Love me, baby ♪ Use this to dig around the base of the bars on the window.

I got one of them loose already.

Escape? What are you, crazy?

♪ Ahh, oh-ho ♪ Uh-huh Look. It's the duty of every POW to try to escape.

We're in the middle of a desert.

What good is it gonna do for us to escape?

To complete the recon mission, soldier.

The special operations cargo plane was instructed to make a supply drop at a rendezvous point about 15 K north of here.

If we can get off this base, I can get us to the rendezvous point.

You're insane. Okay, the Libyans are gonna launch chemical weapons.

We're much safer here.

No. I'm a soldier, and I got a job to do.

And so are you.

Now get to work, Private.

♪ I'm lonely

♪ Yeah, rescue me Pretty baby ♪

Bones. Ah-ah, ah-ha.

My heart.

You know what?

You didn't scare me. I just felt like screaming.

Don't worry about it. Most men think I'm scary.

So, you can't sleep, huh?

I'm too excited.

Excited? They might torture us tomorrow.

They might even kill us.

I know. It's just like the night before Christmas.

Yeah, well at my house we got presents.

I'm talking about the anticipation.

We might die. We, we, we might escape.

We don't know what's gonna happen.

That's the coolest thing in the world.

Most girls are into horses and stuff.

You're weird.

Most men say that, too.

I like it.

You do?

Yeah. Horses are boring.

So...

...if I do get us out of here and I will, is it true what you said about tying me up and all the wild sex stuff?

Only if you kiss me again.

Okay, wait. Wait...

I think I got it. Wait, look... Wait, look at it.

You got it? Yeah, look at it.

Stern?

Stern, you gotta wake up. I can't turn the alarm off.

It's not an alarm. It's an air-raid siren.

Oh, thank God!

I thought it was... I was having another panic attack.

BONES: It's okay, it's okay.

Yes.

Almost. Try it again.

Okay. Cross yo...

That was good. Just a little more to the left and you got 'em.

Yeah. You guys just keep trying.

BONES: Do you guys realize what we are doing right now?

This is a scene from Pirates of the Caribbean.

All we need is that mangy dog, right?

And we can go...

STERN: Quiet. Just try it again.

Ah.

How much do you love me?

Uh, I'm sorry, I don't get it.

What is it with us and trucks?

We get 'em, we break 'em, we smash 'em, we crash 'em.

We run out of gas. I don't get it!

Yes, yes, yes. I understand that.

But we're not getting tortured by Babaga-douche right now, okay?

No, instead we're lost in the desert again.

Without food and water. Again.

Stuck with this Special Forces guy.

He can't even walk 'cause he got his leg shot off.

Fred, we're free!

Yeah, and we're gonna die free!

Or maybe not.

BONES: 55 American dollars.

Then on top of it, see this truck?

Serious, bona fide Libyan Army fighting machine.

And it's all part of this amazing offer, my friend.

I mean, if you're lucky, it might even have a Kuwait track.

You can play abu-dabu-da stuff on it.

Huh? And you ask me, how could it be? Why such a deal?

Because we're crazy boys!

We're givin' it away!

Hmm?

You like this watch?

BONES: Is it interesting? JACK: No, no, no.

Not the watch. He likes it.

Come on. It's got the faces of the moon and a compass.

What? This has a compass? Yeah.

Really?

Yeah, well, we've been stuck in the desert for three days, and you're telling me this watch has a compass. Sorry.

Ooh, Jack, oh, you're gonna get some noogies later.

I'm gonna just pound you like this.

JACK: I forgot. Yeah, well, uh...

Well, you're gonna forget about your little watch here, Jack, because it's gone!

Uh-huh? Here you go, my friend.

BONES: Hey, you guys. In my life I've seen a lot of camels' toes, but I've never seen one on a camel.

I think he's got a crush on you, Bones.

Really? How can you tell?

'Cause he's been nibblin' on your ears. Yeah?

And licking on your neck.

It's okay.

You're just a camel.

STERN: Our supply drop's on the other side of that Libyan base.

BONES: What Libyan base?

Bones, are you blind?

It's a Libyan base covered with a camo tent. What are you talking about?

I guess we're gonna have to go around it.

Around what?

CHRISTINE: See that Jeep right there?

BONES: Mmm-hmm, I see the Jeep, but I certainly don't...

Oh! You mean that Libyan base, the one under the camo tent!

I thought you guys were talking about some other Libyan base.

FRED: Will there be medical supplies?

STERN: Medical supplies, uniforms, food, water, radio.

Everything you need.

BONES: Yeah, but where is it?

It's supposed to be right here.

Hey, you guys! Come on!

Hey, come on, you guys! BONES: What is it?

CHRISTINE: Come on!

ALL: Yeah!

BOTH: Hot Wheels!

BONES: Stern, these things are intense!

No wonder people join the Army.

♪ Be all that you can be

♪ You're in the Army ♪ What happened to him?

His leg looks pretty bad.

I think it's infected 'cause he lost a lot of blood.

But look at his gums! They're fabulous, man.

Not a touch of gingivitis. He's been flossing.

Yeah, but why is he acting so wasted? Oh, that's the morphine.

Absolutely! The "morphine," the better.

BONES: Hello! Somebody answer us, please!

You gotta believe us. We're stuck out here in the middle...

Please, just help us...

Get ahold of yourself, soldier.

Oh, thank God, it's you!

Listen... Don't say my name.

What did I say to you when you first arrived in Chad?

Uh, something about your clock being broken.

Close enough.

Okay, calm down, son, we're gonna get you outta there.

Now listen carefully.

Your call sign is now Glendale.

Our call sign is now Burbank.

Did you recover the fast-attack vehicles, Glendale?

Oh, you mean those dune buggies!

Yeah, those things are intense.

Good. This equipment was intended for the Special Forces team to carry out a vital mission.

You are our only assets on the ground with the right equipment in the right place.

Say what?

You have to take over, Glendale.

Listen. Let me explain something.

First of all, Sergeant, we're water boys.

Okay, please... You're soldiers first, Glendale!

Now, listen up.

The Libyans have a mobile scud launching base right in your area.

These scuds are loaded with chemical weapons and targeted at U.S. bases.

Our aerial photographs haven't been able to find 'em.

You want us to find 'em? But what about Stern?

Stern can find 'em. He'll be up pretty soon. Stern?

Daddy, why can't I go to ballet class?

Teacher says I'm a natural.

These scuds can't be spotted from the air because of heavy camouflage.

Camouflage? Why didn't you say so in the first place?

Listen, we saw the thing this morning.

Stern wrote down the coordinates. Right, Stern?

We'll tell you where it is. You guys can come here and bomb the hell out of it!

Come on. Send the Air Force.

It's not enough to tell us.

You have to go back there and paint it.

Paint it? Trust me. It looks perfectly fine the way it is.

I mean, paint it with the laser.

The laser target designator. It's in your equipment.

All you have to do is return to that base, point the laser at it, and call me back on the radio.

The Air Force will do the rest.

You can be a mile away in perfect safety.

All right. Wait a minute.

Chris? Get over here. CHRISTINE: What?

Bones, they can't make us do anything.

We don't know how to use this stuff.

Fred, you use lasers in dentistry, right?

Uh-uh. I know what's goin' on! You're gonna try to make the brother hold the laser, right?

No. My laser was a little, itty-bitty laser.

This is a big laser. There's a difference.

WILLIAMS: Glendale? Glendale! Mmm-hmm. No.

Can't they just evacuate the bases?

Or we can take an hour out of our busy lives, hop in these cool dune buggies, pop the base with the laser, and let the Air Force blow the hell out of it!

Now, you listen to me, Glendale!

Please hold yourself there one second.

I'm just trying to have a moment with my friends.

Is that okay?

Just have a cup of java. Please chill.

Fred, when you first got here, you were completely freaked, right? Yeah.

And now look at you. Huh? You're a regular GI Joe.

A fightin' man from head to toe!

And, Chris, you wanted infantry.

Well, now's your chance. Let's see what you've got.

And, Jack, my friend, you were a complete screw-up.

But now look at you. You're still a screw-up.

But if you did this and you survived, you'd have stuff to tell your little screw-up grandkids.

Basically, you guys, up to a few months ago, we were all a bunch of minimum wage losers from Glendale.

But this whole event has changed our lives.

You know who we owe it to?

♪ The Army ♪ This is something we gotta do!

Come on! Get on with it!

Chris, I know you're with me.

Yeah, boy.

Fred, listen, if you can't handle it, I understand, man.

I can handle it.

Jack, what do you say, man?

Oh, I say... I say you're crazy.

I think you're all nuts!

But you're the Private First Class. I'm the Private.

And I'm gonna follow you, my friend, wherever.

All right, you guys, let's do this thing.

Kick it, man!

Stern, you ready?

Let's go, Bones! I know, I know.

There's just a little bit of business I have to take care of.

Ah, you're gonna have to go now.

You're gonna have to go be all the camel that you can be.

Bye.

All right, troops!

Let's go bust some scuds!

♪ Hit the street runnin'

♪ Had an angle in mind

♪ Lookin' for a shelter

♪ Doin' double overtime

♪ I get a little crazy

♪ But I won't be denied

♪ Gotta find the time that takes the inside outside

♪ Tumblin' in a world of swirl

♪ Rumblin' in a world of swirl

♪ In a world of swirl

BONES: All right. Glendale to Burbank. Come in.

I wish we had cooler code names.

WILLIAMS: What was that, Glendale?

Nothing. I was just saying that these code names suck.

Can I call you General Sweet Pants?

You better remember who you're talking to, Glendale.

Are you in position?

Guy's got no sense of humor.

Yeah, we can see the target.

Have you painted it with the laser?

BONES: Just did.

Good goin', Glendale. The air strike is inbound.

You should acquire the target in seven minutes.

It is vital that you do not take the laser off the target until the target is destroyed.

Can you hold it there for seven minutes?

I got it propped up here on the rock! I can hold it all day long. I'm good to go!

No problem, Burbank.

Good! Lay low.

And report any change in situation.

We'll be standing by. Out.

Come on!

Come on!

Tell me again about the store.

Ah, the store. It's gonna be great!

We're gonna have our own room where people can get their feet massaged...

No!

BONES: Burbank!

Burbank, Burbank, we're under attack!

Hold your position, Glendale.

And keep that laser on the target.

BONES: On the target? We are the target!

Tell 'em to hurry up!

You better hurry. We've got 60 pissed off Libyans headin' towards us.

Stay with it! Stay with it!

Let's get these guys, Jack. Come on.

Okay.

We know how to do it. All right.

This is for the Glendale water boys!

Not bad, huh? Whoo!


Reload.

Ah! Turn it!


Shit!

They missed. BONES: Well, at least they didn't blow up my head.

WILLIAMS: Great going, soldiers. We knew you could do it.

Oh, Burbank?

I'm gonna find you the biggest bottle of champagne in Chad!

Yeah, well, don't pop the cork yet.

The bombs missed.

The base wasn't hit.

You better send another air strike here and send it fast!

Wait one.

Glendale?

The back-up strike of F-111s is being diverted to your target.

E.T.A. three minutes. Three minutes? What, are you crazy?

We don't have three minutes.

In three minutes, we're gonna be shish kebabs!

We're under serious attack!

You'll have to hold them.

Oh, shit! Oh, my God.

You better get the planes here sooner.

The scuds are ready to fire.

Two minutes and 30 seconds.

Hey. Hey! Where's he goin'?

Hey! Hey!

All right, my man!

You stay right here. I gotta go.

BONES: Hey, guys, move over! Move over!

"Cock firing mechanism."

WILLIAMS: Report the situation. Shut up.

"Aim, set range if known or estimate?"

Who came up with these directions? I don't know.

Tell me to shut up one more time and I'm gonna rip your spine out and use it for a putting iron!

Shut up. I'm not good with directions.

"Push safety and hold down."

Okay, now, everybody back!

"Fire by pushing trigger."

Suck on this a-one time!

Oh. Sorry.

Last chance, my friend.


Yeah! Yeah!

Whoo!

Oh, man!

ALL: Oh!

BONES: Guys, at my signal, everybody scream like crazy.

Make 'em think we've got 50 guys up here, okay? Uh-huh. Okay.

One and go!

We scared 'em!

Yeah, don't mess with the Glendale Reservists!

FRED: Behind you!

Two weeks a year, one weekend a month.

We're the few!

We're the proud!

We're the water boys!

FRED: Bones, duck! CHRISTINE: Get down!


Yeah, hey. All right, Stern.

Thanks.

Not bad for a bunch of water boys, huh?

No! Soldiers! I'm proud of you guys.

WILLIAMS: Glendale!

You oughta be damn pleased with yourselves!

Congratulations. You did an outstanding job.

It wasn't a job, First Sergeant.

It was an adventure.


Hey! Hey!

Oh.

You're gonna have to go get a blood test, Bones. What?

♪ Bang, and here we go

♪ Watch the road Don't drive so slow

♪ It takes so long And it's so hard

♪ There's a billion bones in my backyard

♪ I get excited I get so impatient

♪ It takes too long to get back home

♪ But you and I, do or die And we've only just begun

♪ And I feel like havin' fun Have a good day. If you need anything come see us.

Look at that hair! Oh, hey!

How you doin'? Real well.

Jack and Bones, huh? Yeah.

You fellas gonna be all you can be?

It's a win-win situation?

Oh, this is crazy, man! No, it's brilliant!

It's just two weeks a year, man.

One weekend a month.

That can't be right. I swear!

Trust me.

♪ It costs too much

♪ And I talk too much

♪ It takes so long

♪ And it goes so fast

♪ I can't think too straight

♪ Oh, oh, oh

♪ And we've only just begun

♪ And I feel like havin' fun

♪ And I swear I'll be all right

♪ Until the next one

♪ And we've only just begun

♪ And I feel like havin' fun

♪ But I swear I'll be all right

♪ Until the next one

♪ And I start off feeling swell

♪ Pretty soon I'll turn to well

♪ But I swear I'll be all right

♪ Until the next one

♪ And I start off doing fine

♪ Pretty soon I'll keep in time

♪ But I swear I'll be all right

♪ Until the next time

♪ And I start off doing fine

♪ Pretty soon I'll keep in time

♪ But I swear I'll be all right

♪ Until the next time

♪ Until the next time

♪ Until the next time

♪ Until the next time

♪ Until the next time ♪ What should we do? Water purification sounds good to me, man.