Ingenious (2009) Script

Ingenious Yes, now, you pick out the collar.

You tell me which one you want.

Which one? Which one?


I don't know if there's anything here I could possibly use.

Mr. Webber?


Matt Reeder, International Gifts.

Oh, right, right.

Yeah, how are you doing?


He's not talking today.


You know, why don't you... why don't you wait back in the stockroom.

Thank you.

Anything with fur?

Ooh. That's gonna' hurt.


Is he a member?



I have a question for you.

Being an employee here, do you get to play a lot of golf?

Yeah, that's why I work here.


What's your handicap?


Me, too!

No, really?


Well, six-pack.

I'm a really good drinker.

That's corny.

I know, that's terrible.

What do you say we... we hit some balls sometime?

I'll drive the cart around.

I can watch your stroke.


Uhh, Preston.


How are you, buddy?

You've got a great smile, man.

You must have a good dental planner.

Sam Schooler.

How are you?

So, what do you got?

Now, the unique feature of The Dreaming Dog Watch, Mr. Webber, is the animation.

As the seconds tick by, you can actually see what the dog is dreaming about.


I'll be darned!

It's clever.


And if you look, you'll notice the... all the animation.

We call it The Frustrated Golfer's Watch.

And you can see all the curse symbols after you get a little back slice.


You know what I mean?

We've all been there.

I know I have.

It's priced right.

What rates you got? n is just the one for the moment.

But we are..

Oh, no, you see, Matt, my customers would buy this watch like crazy, okay?

Provided you had their dog on it.

Oh, hold on.

Call me crazy, maybe it's just me, but aren't all your members golfers?

Uhh, yeah.

And they all wear watches, don't they?

Yeah, just not novelty watches.

Ahh, gotcha'.

More of a Rolex crowd.

A lady with a Yorkie is not going to buy a watch, as cute as it is, with a Lab on it.

Well, I know what you mean...

You gotta' get all the breeds, all right?

Yeah, see, I like to follow give the customer what they want.

You know what I'm saying?

Yeah, I gotta' go.

Careful now.

He jumps.

You're going to tell me that this isn't quality?

That's exactly what I'm saying.

And I'm also saying that you, you need to pick up a book on salesmanship.

Yeah, well, I wrote that book, buddy!


>> Walter, I see you're still at it.

>> First time I ever double-crossed the governor.

>> What can I do for you?

>> You mind if I sat down?

>> There's been a lamp burning in the window for you honey, >> go ahead.

>> Oh, I jumped out that window a long time ago...

You can hit your head against the wall, try every angle, rack your brain, and then one day, out of the blue, you get an idea.

The big idea.

The one you've been waiting for.

A chance to win.

I'm going to go to bed, honey.

I've got a six o'clock flight.

Being with Gina made me want to do anything to win.

Well, I can appreciate that, sir... I'm not here!

...but our accountant has been super busy.

Mr. Bederman.


No, he's in a meeting.

Yes, sir.

All right.


It's here!

Brenda, you get a raise.



Ooh, is that it?

Yeah, Okay.

Where's Brenda?


Where's she at?

Hold my calls!



I always wanted to sell a million of something. Let's see this!

I babied this one.

Calling Hong Kong all night, faxing diagrams...

...back and forth. Come on, cut the shit!

Let's do this!

Let me see it!

And now, The Lucky Lottery Watch.


Lottery Watch?

That's beautiful!

Six winning numbers.

Wait, is it different every time?

Totally random.

Wow, It's amazing, man Imagine how many places we're going to sell that bad boy!

First of all, everyone who sells a lottery ticket.

Chain stores, department stores.

Vegas! Vegas!


We're going to Vegas!

Excuse me, guys, but product development is essentially defining a need, right?


Does someone playing the lottery really a watch to pick their numbers?

Bean! Bean!

This is not a watch.


We, you and I, are selling a dream!

That's right, baby.

Hold this, take it.

Sixty million people play the lottery.

This is a product that cannot miss.

We have a storeroom full of products that can't miss.

We got the remote control beer mug.

There's thousands of those.

We've got that handbag.

Bad ideal.

And the Fish Stories Clock?


Whoa, whoa, hey, Professor Positive.

You didn't even invent that.

Yeah, I like it.


It's good, man.

Let's make a million, huh?

You push this button on the side of the case and 6 numbers pop up.

6 numbers.

Different numbers every time.

How's he come up with all these ideas?

Well, believe it or not, he used to claim it was the hops, you know, in beer.

Now it's the universal mind.

The universal mind.

Their bookkeepers theory is all ideas come from some kind of collective consciousness, one universal mind.


I know.

But to Matt, you know, it made perfect sense that all ideas are floating around in space like some kind of old radio and TV broadcast, and his mind is a receiving station.

A receiving station.

I know he's a little off.

Yes, but that's why you liked him.

I know.

That's what I've always liked about him.

You keep dreaming up the ideas, buddy, I'll sell them.

I will.

That's for sure.

You know what I mean?


Now, we are going to need seed money for the new watch.

No, we're not going to the casino, okay?

Read my lips.

We're not going to the casino.

We're not going to the casino.

That's right.

All right.

We're going to the dog track.

That is the same difference.

It's a big difference.

It's a dog track, it's not a casino.

And if Gina asks you, "Did you go to the casino?"

And she will!


Say no with authority, because it's true.

It's not the casino.

Say, "No, goddamn it, Gina!

I did not go to the fucking casino!

I told you I wouldn't, didn't I?"



You gotta' turn it around On them just like that.

>> It's Bayou by a bundle!

Sam loves to gamble on anything.

"Will the temperature hit a hundred tomorrow?"

"I bet you I can eat six jalapenos."

It cost him a lot of money, and two marriages.

But he shrugs it off.

Three or four?

Your dumb dog on that one.

I like it, let's do it.


While we have this moment, look, look, look!


See that dog taking a shit?

Look at him. Look at him.


Number 2!

Number 2! Number 2!

Our luck is about to change.

2... 2... 2.

Can Do!

Can Do!

This is the one, bro!

No, no, man.

Look, he's coming down from a beating.

Okay, listen to me.

Ahh, a jockey told Carl, the bartender, that if you see a horse shit before a race, you bet all you got on him.

He said that.

The dog is shitting, and that's why you're betting on him?

Yeah. Think about it. Look at me!

He's 22 to 1.

Come on, it makes sense, right?

He's lighter, he's happy, he's relaxed.

It's horrible!

Think about it.

Let's do this, all right?

Come on, he's a jockey.

Why would he lie?

Now, calm down, let's take it slow.

We just got here, Okay?

Okay, so how much you got?

I got two $20.

Can I have a 10 dollar two-four on..., and a 10 dollar 2-8 on...?

Fuck! Great!

$400 on 2, Can-Do, to win.

Thank you.

I said tickets.

Put away your money.

Here comes the bunny!

And two, let's go, baby!

>> And they're off!

>> ...jump in the lead, followed by >> Late-For-Dinner and Can-Do!

>> They're going into the first turn!

>> Down in the back stretch. >> Flea's-Ferrari chases down

>> the number 2 Can-Do.

>> Can Do gets passed. >> As they head for the wire, >> It's Flea's-Ferrari pulling >> away now by a length!

>> Flea's-Ferrari takes it!

$400 on the dog shit theory.

You should be proud.

Fucking Can-Do bullshit.

I can't blame Sam.

He was just trying to raise money for our business.

Sam did construction for a while before we teamed up.

Me, I've never had a job.

I've always worked for myself.

It can be tough, long hours, no guaranteed paycheck.

But you have a chance to win.

Bye, girl.

Bye, sweetie.

Bye, see ya'-

So I go out there and the gate agent ask me for volunteers, you know, to give up their seats.

Sounded like a game show host.

"A voucher for a room at the Marriott, and we'll get you out on the 7 A.M. non-stop.


So these two guys sitting there yell, "Throw her in", 'pointing at me, "We'll do it."

Ahh, smart guys.

So what's new here?

Nothing, really.

Just the same old, same old, looking after cash flow, you know.

You guys haven't been by the casino, trying to help it, have you?


I, ur,... I told you I wouldn't, didn't I?

Just asking, Matt, just asking.

Well, I am just telling you.


Oh, I can't wait to get out of this uniform and take a shower And I can't wait for that either.

Oh, guess what the big rumor is at work.

Southwest buying you out, that one?

They're going to be offering an early retirement.


For you?

You're too young and sexy to be retired.

With a cash incentive, twenty-some thousand.

Twenty thousand?

Of course, I can't even think about it until your business does something, we pay down our cards.

I don't think you'll be waiting too much longer.

It's like Thomas Edison said, "To have a great idea, you've got to have a lot of them."

Yeah, but while we're waiting on that light bulb, we're getting in deeper and deeper.

Come on.

Every bad idea I have just gets us closer, and closer, and closer to a really, really, really good idea.

Oh, I've got a really good idea.

I've been up since six, baby.

I've been up about a minute and a half.

So I said, "Care for a calzone, sir?"

And he, real uppity-like goes, "Miss, you don't know what you're serving.

I'm Italian.

It's pronounced calzon-e.

You emphasize the 'e'.

If you're going to serve it, learn how to pronounce it."

I just moved the cart on up the aisle.

Yeah, sister...


Then my friend Rita, who's on the other side of the cart, leans back and says, "Hey, Gina, would that be asshole or asshol-e?"

You're not real into it.

Another round?

I'd be really good after a few of these.

So, I think it's great you guys have been friends since high school.

I don't even know that guy.

I could tell you some stories.

Please don't say anything, come on, man.

Gina, you know, she still thinks I'm a nice guy.

No, I don't I knew you were an asshole the minute I met you.

I don't have to pretend anything.

No, you don't, baby.

No pretending.

I'm really glad we're all together.

So anyways, thank you, dickhead.

Sure, buddy.

G, you know that Cinda's going to be coming with us to the expo, you know that?

Oh, really?

Fill out orders, you know the ropes.

That's right.

I don't know the first thing about the watches.

Babe, you don't have to.

All you got to do is be a goddess like you are, a big smile.

You know what I mean?

And say, "It's animated!"

It's animated!

Not like that like we practiced.

Like you did it.

Hey, excuse me.

You want to win a million dollars with the touch of a button?

I do..

Push the button.

It's animated!

Like that!

I'll buy one, right?

Come on!


I'll buy three.

I keep telling Gina when the money rolls in, she's gonna' wonder where it's been all this time.

When can I start wondering?

Next week, sister, when we start selling a trillion watches.


That's right.

Quit your goddamn job!

Yeah, I'm gonna' quit, okay?

Sam says I can.

Can do, sister!

YOU can do it.

Can Do.

Can Do, the dog.

What dog?


We were selling the dog watches.

Am I missing something?

Have you heard Sam's dog shit theory?

Look, what kind...

We're eating, no one wants to hear about it.

No, no, it's hilarious.

They were at the dog track last week...

Hey, You were at the dog track?

Did you go?

No, I went.

You didn't go.

I went with Bartender Carl, and dominated, by the way.


It's delicious.


That's great.

I'm really sorry, honey.

No, it's my fault.


How stupid can I be?

I'm picking up extra trips to pay down our credit cards, and you're here gambling.

I know, I know.

It isn't fair.

Listen, we were just trying to get more money so we could fund...

If I hear that excuse one more time, I'm gonna' scream.

I'm gonna' quit for good.

You said that two weeks ago, and a couple of months before that, and a year before that.

It's getting to be a joke.

Gina, listen.

The way we figure it, sixty million people play the lottery.

If I can sell one percent, I mean, that is one out of a hundred, that's sixty thousand watches!

That's you taking early retirement.

That's a down payment on our house.


I hope it's a huge hit, I really do.

But if you ever gamble again...

Don't blame Cinda, man.

Blame me.

I do blame you.

I swore I told her not to say anything.

Yeah, just don't worry about it, man.

So was it a long ride to the airport this morning?

Yeah, the old silent treatment I used to look forward to those with Rhonda, actually instigate them.

You think I talk a lot, man?


Gina giving you a hard time about having to fly so much?

I wouldn't blame her if she did.

Withholding sex yet?


It's the only entertainment we can afford.

But you know what? That's a good thing, buddy, because that's the last thing to go.

Oh Rhonda, towards the end of that train wreck of a marriage, she'd tell me, "Sam, no!

I'm mid-month.

I'm bloated.

I don't want you to look at me."

I don't want to look at you!

I want to fuck you!

What a psycho, man.



Liar's Poker for the tab.

Oh, well, can't very well turn down free beer, can I?

Hey, fuck you, man.

Loser's first.

Okay, I'll go anyway.


Three fours, my friend.


That's not going to do it.

Four sixes.

Oh, it's there, don't worry.

Five sixes.

Good God, you're terrible!

Keep it, keep it, keep it!

God, I don't like this stupid game!

Who made that up anyway?

Hey, Carl!

Two morons, Sammy.


The thing is, America is the place where a little guy can have a big idea.

Anybody can do it, come up with bubble wrap, a super soaker, a lottery watch.

A million dollars You gotta' see in It's animated!

One idea can change everything.

All it takes is one.

Check it out.

It's gonna' change every time.

How do you feel about winning some cash?

I feel good about it.

Let's do this, all right?

Come on.

All right.

Check it out.

Check out this great new watch.

Hey, how are you doing, buddy?

Lucky Lottery Watch, how do you feel about it?


Come on now.

Hey, I know you like the lottery.

Check it out, a new way to play the lottery! oh, yeah.

More than two shakes, you're playing with it.

You know what I'm saying?

I've got the dress, I've got the smile.

It's animated.

I need a drink.

It's animated.

It's not working.

Tell me about it.

What is this, kid?

What is this?

Is this a Lab, or is this a Retriever?

That is a Lab.

It's one of our best sellers.

It's cute, very cute.

Listen, who makes the business decisions for this company?

That would be me.

Matt Reeder.

Hey, Matt, how are you?

How can I help you?

Oh, no, no.

The question is, how can I help you?

See, my company is the leader in TV direct response advertising.

What we'd like to do is stop by...

We're not doing any advertising right now.

Wait, wait, wait.

It's a whole new concept.

We pay you.

Okay, we're really busy here, so...

Listen, I picked up a brochure, so I'll give you a call later.

I'll explain what we do, okay?

Come to the office and we'll talk.

We're really not interested.

You're not interested in making money?

Listen, I'll give you a call.

I think you'll like what I have to say, okay?

Maybe I can get you some customers, right?


Customers are nice.

Nice to see you.

Fucking queer.

Who's that asshole?

You know, I mean, I wouldn't call it a dud.

I'd call it a start.

Sam, use some common sense.

I mean, look, I'm as disappointed as you are.

That's fine.

Hey, look, maybe that's the problem, buddy.

I don't know, maybe there's just too much fucking common sense around here!

Let's, I don't know, shake it up a little bit!

Let's think outside the box!


All right, I got it.

Here's one.

Get a little publicity.

Find a lucky lottery winner, and say we pay him a couple grand, I don't know, to say that they got their numbers off of our watch.

They go on TV.

They say to the entire world, 'I got the numbers off of this watch'

Sam, will you listen to yourself.

They just won the lottery.

Why are they going to lie for us for a couple of thousand bucks?

I don't know, man.

I'm just throwing it out there.

And that's assuming we have a couple of thousand bucks.

Yeah, we're delinquent on everything, and withholding is right around the corner.

Okay, here we go, small thinker.



Okay, we gotta' figure this out, unless you want to be pounding nails again.

All right, well, I'm the only one coming up with some ideas.

Anyone else want to chime in here?

Here's an idea.

We could've done four or five breeds of the dog watch for what we wasted at that expo!

But we didn't, did we, Bean?

The highest re-order rate of any product we've ever had, ever You know what, I want to fucking choke you sometimes!


Goddammit, Bean, you're really starting to piss me off!

Hey, hey, you are starting to piss me off, okay?


Come on, amigo.

Hey, hey, hey, man.

Come on, come on.

Okay, let's go see the bank manager.

With Our financial statement?

Don't be ridiculous.

No, we'll just go to him without all the negative shit On it.

I hope you're kidding, because that's bank fraud!

I can never tell with you anymore.

Yes, Bean, he's kidding.

Because I won't sign it!

Bean, he's kidding.


Look, we're on the same team, right?

I need you, man.

I say whatever it takes.

I don't know what that is.

Whatever it takes.

Sam and I are essentially out of business.

I didn't know it was that bad.

I mean, we got enough money for one maybe two payrolls, and that's it.

You know, maybe it's for the best.

Go to work for Louisa, and get away from Sam and his schemes before you end up in jail.

I kind of like you, I don't want you in jail.

Well, you know, a problem is an opportunity in disguise.

I mean, every store who buys the dog watch sells out.

We just need more breeds.

Could you get a loan from your credit union?

No, Mam No!


No, Matt!


I mean, how many failed products have you had lately?

That stupid jogger TV hat I tried to talk you out of?

Watch TV while you jog?

The ten second toothbrush for people in a hurry?

Come on, Matt!

Yeah, that was stupid but this is completely different.

It is night and day.

Every store that bought the dog watch sold out!

I need more breeds to get more accounts.

Gina, this can work, trust me.

This can work.

Say it doesn't sell for any reason.

Would you promise to go to work for Louisa?

Look, it's a proven product.

We've sold these!

Just answer the question, Matt.

Say it doesn't sell, would you go to work for Louisa?

Look, you ever hear about what happens to pro athletes when they sign their first contract?

What's that got to do with anything?

Suddenly, here comes the family with their hands out

"Gimme, gimme".

I mean, that's how I'm going to feel working for your sister.

Well, you'd get over it!

Al, I'm a happily married woman.

No, no, no.

Just what I needed, another success seminar with my in-laws.

A guy in a bar told me once, if you want to know what God thinks about money, look at who he gives it to.

Al, I love you, you know that.

I'd do anything for you.


Matt, another beer?

Okay, sure.

But first, get me that signature, Okay?

Al, stop flirting with my wife. We get guests.

Get me that signature today.



Oh, God, I need a drink.

Now, now, now!

Coming right up.

I've got one ready.

I'm so sorry I'm so late.

So sorry.

Here you go, my love.

Oh, thank you.

What do you think?

Thank you, you wonderful man.

Go get 'em.

I'm good.

I'm good.

So, it's so good to see you guys.

You are good.

So, Matt, what do you want? Medium rare?

Did you get my message last week?

I was in Boise and Sacramento.

Oh, world traveler.

Well, guess what.

The week before Christmas, you two are coming with us to Telluride.



We won the winning donation.

At the Lupus Charity Auction.

Fourteen grand, huh?

For a disease, don't know what the hell it is.

But it got us a four bedroom condo right on the slopes for a week.

Yeah, you ski right in, ski right out your front door.

We thought of you guys the second we got it, huh?


There's no way we can afford Telluride for a week.

Oh, come on!

It's all paid fort Yeah, but the skiing, the restaurants...


Live a little, have some fun for a change.

You guys have got to stop worrying about money.

So how's business?

Could be better, you know.

I have an office and a desk could have your name on it.

I mean, anytime you want, no pressure.

There is a hot rock massage that'll make you wet, and I don't mean sweat What do you think?

Oh, seriously, Matt.

Do you know what we call real estate?

Steal estate!

Stop throwing your money away on rent.

Yeah, you can get my little sister the casita she's always wanted.

A little more wine?

You too, hun?

No, no, I'm good.

Seven thousand, that's amazing!

Her credit union has a formula based on her salary.

Just be glad she got the loan she did.

But seven grand, that', that's amazing.

Never mind, I should shut up.

You know, it's three more breeds, right?

We have the Lab.

We should do the Retriever, the German Shepherd and the Beagle.

It's better than one Lab.

But not really, man.

I mean, everybody I talk to wants the top ten or nothing, right?

They don't want to piss off the Boxer people, the Poodle people, blah, blah.

I know.

Look, just be satisfied, all right?

It's a good thing.

You know what we're good at?

Lately not a whole lot.

A little bit of BJ my friend.

Now, let's head to that reservation.

No, listen.

Oh, come on, you are a real asshole.

No, listen to me, listen to me.

Okay, look, we want to do 3 breeds, right?

That's $1900 each, that's $5700.

We have $1300 left to play with, right?

Now, we hit a few hands we have.

What is this and this?

That's a stack o' black, Okay?

You pull that in, what do we got here, cowboy?

That's a nest egg!

That's 12 grand!

That's the top 10 breeds, my friend!

That is the difference between walking out of a store with an order for 10 dozen instead of...

3 dozen.

But Gina, she gave us that money, all of that money, for watches.

Yes, but she would want us to protect this investment, wouldn't she?

Okay, look at it this way.

We lose that $1300, which we won't, because we dominate.

Say we do.

We still have the $5700 left to do the top 3 breeds.

We do dominate at blackjack.

Yes, We do.

Lift Off.

Yes, We can.


Get my man some French caviar, hun.

Here we go again!

I'm not afraid.

I ain't afraid.


We got to.

Do the math!

Oh, it's gonna' be good.

Do it again?

Twenty-four thousand!

Oh, do it again!

Do it again!

Put it all in, baby!

We're all good!

All right, he's got a Six!


Seven thousand dollars.

Dealer's sitting on a 16, hits a 5?

It's unbelievable!

What happened?

We out of gas?


I can't go home.


Not until I figure this out.

All right.

Insurance fire.

Insurance fire!

Let's just torch all of our watches.

Is that so wrong?

It's win-win!


New what?



The guy, do you remember?

The guy from the booth, said he'd put the watches on TV and give us a percentage.

Oh no, man.

The knock-off king?


What do you mean, the knock-off king?

Yeah, man, all the guys in the next booth said that that guy lurches around all the trade shows to rip people's ideas off.

Forget in Fuck him!


I doubt it.

The guy runs a huge company.

He's got ads on major cable all the time.

God, imagine how many he could sell.

Sixty-four million dog owners.

Remember Bean's stat, 4 out of 5 of them write their pet's names on greeting cards.

Newkin can reach those people.

You know what, buddy?

That's the reason why we should do it on our own, you know what I mean?

Why turn it over to some cheese dick and end up with nothing, man, and get railroaded?

No way!

I don't trust a guy that can eat his own fist, okay?

Call me crazy!

You see the chompers on that guy?

Come on, man.

You want to do business with him, seriously?

I'd like to do business, Sam.

That's what I'd like IO do.

You boys are old enough to remember this.

This is one of the all time TV products.

The chirping bird clock.

How many of those did you sell, if I can ask?

Oh, Jesus.


We sold... 781,260 clocks in 105 days.

But wait, there's more!

I love those commercials, the guy...

Yeah, we're very proud of that.

Now, those numbers are just a start, because once you create interest in a product on TV then you go for the after market.


We're sitting at the adult table with Sears and Wal-Mart.

At the adult table, Matthew, do you hear that?

With Sears and Wal-Mart. if I may,

You see, it's animated, so you can actually see what dogs dream about.

Millions of dog lovers out there, Larry.

Our customer, too, older female.


Come on, you get some has-been celebrity on there with their pet Corgi or something.

Could have a big upside.

How many breeds you got?

Well, right now it is just the one, but when we partner with AmeriDirect, the American Kennel Club top 20.

All right.

If we pick you up, we fund all the TV ads.

We handle inventory management, retail distribution.

All right.


So, question, yeah.

What's our cut?

If we pick you up, an untested product, 4%.

How about a little dinner before you fuck me?



Untested product?

Do you know how many of those watches we've sold?

How many have you sold on TV?

Our volume is 50, 100 times anything you can possibly produce, especially with your limited financial capability.

Oh, really?

And how do you know anything about our limited financial capability?

We vetted International Gifts.


What happened?

We checked you out.

What, I'm gonna' sit across this table from two people I don't know shit about?

What am I, stupid, huh?

That's debatable.

I don't know.

Well, you guys have no money.

Why did you come to see me, huh?

Why are you sitting in that chair, huh?

You answer me that!

You know, I...

I what? I...I...I what?

Why did you come to see me?

You tell him, tell him why you came.

Tell your little snot-nosed friend why you came.

Because I can move your merchandise.

Well, that's because you're the king.

I am the king.

You are the knock-off king!

All right young man, that's enough.

That's all.

Not smart.

You boys are out of your league.

What a goddamn prick!

You're the prick.



I'm the prick?


Come on!

We're not going to bend over for this guy.

We're gonna' do it our own way.

I'm fucked.

You gave me your word.

That money was going to buy watches.

It was.

We... we just... um... Gina, I've been trying to figure out a way to...


When I get back from this trip, I'm moving into Louisa's guest house.

I'm gonna' use one of her cars.

You can have the Chevy to drive to work.

Gina, I...

Or drive it to a car lot and sell it for gambling money.

I don't care.

I'm thinking about myself for a change.

Like you do all the time.


...can we just talk about it?

No. Don't touch me.


What's going on, amigo?

This is sexy, it doesn't look like you.

You've got some very cute clothes.

I've never seen these before.

You should let me help you make some outfits.

I could spruce it up a bit.

I like them.

And you sleep on these, okay?

These are for decor only.

How did it ever come to this?


Did she call you back yet?


I... I really did it this time.

I'm gonna' share something with you that I learned a long time ago.


They can't stay mad.

They are emotionally resilient creatures, man.


They're all fucking crazy!

But they're resilient.

She'll be back before you know it.

You know, buddy, it's not like you got caught cheating.

You know what I mean?

That's a whole other 12 miles of bad road and STDs.

You know what I mean?

But you can... you can lie.

You can forget anniversaries.

You can get drunk, show your ass in front of the in-laws.

That's all...they'll forgive all that shit, man.

But do not, you can not get caught cheating.

Bro, they don't like it.

It'll fuck you every time, trust me.

So in about probably 26...27 days, Gina will be back.

You want to bet on it?

I'll bet you on it.

Well, you guys have been really great to work for.


Oh, Bren.

You've been really great as well.

I'm so sorry.


Yes, great.

So, what are you guys going to do now?

Well, listen, think of the alternative.

I mean, look at my ex-husband.

Forty-seven years old, he's got the dick of a teenager.

At least Matt's faithful, you got that going for you.

I like you and Matt together, you know?


No, stop.

I've had it.

Has he always gambled?

Oh, please.

I met him on a Reno turn, remember?

Oh, yeah, yeah, you told me that.

Did I tell you that he and Sam flipped a coin to see who would ask me out?

No, I don't remember that.

I should have run the other way as soon as i heard that.

I really should have.

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Fuck me!

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>> Only $19.95, The Dreaming Dog Watch...

I'm coming around the bend.

Who's flexible?

Who's a dancer?

Come on!

Yeah, that's me.

Yeah, you like that, don't you?

It's me, pick up.

Goddamn in Fuck! Hold on.

Pick up!



It's Matt. It's Matt.

Yo, what's LIP, buddy?

Turn on channel 28.


I'm really kind of busy right now.

Goddamn it, turn on channel 28!

Fuck, give me the remote!


The remote!

I'm so close!

Okay, hang on, hang on!

I got it.


Hold on, okay.


Jesus, you sound hysterical!

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>> Call now! You there?

So did you have Mr. Newkin sign a non-disclosure agreement?

No, we didn't.

You didn't?

Well, that's not essential.

By copying your design exactly, Mr. Newkin has exhibited malice of forethought.

What? What does that mean?

Oh, sorry. You have a case.

Hot damn.

I told you, man.


How far are you willing to go on this matter?

Like a virgin on prom night, baby!

All the way!

Let's do this!

Sam, I don't think that's the question he's asking.

Would you be prepared to take this on a contingency basis?

No. I couldn't do that.

But you said we had a case.

Yeah, but this type of case can be protracted.

It can go on for a long time.

But I might consider going with a contingent contingency.

Good, I want in I'm in!

What is it?

Contingent contingency.

I'll write them a letter If they respond with a good offer, I'll take it on contingency.

And I say to the guy, I say, "Sir, I'm sorry, but we do not have mints or gum on this plane."

And he gives me this big exasperated sigh, he says, "Do you mean to tell me you do not have one goddamn mint on this entire plane?"


Yeah, definitely.

And a jerk.

So Gina, come outwith us when we get to Portland.

No, thanks, Randall.

I'm just gonna' order room service and take a long hot bath.

I know what you're going through.

It's not easy.

Tell you what.

I'll bring up a really good bottle of wine, and give you a massage.

Have you ever had a Shiatsu before?

I mean like deep tissue, just really... emotions just float out.

The first time I ever had one, I cried.


Yeah, it's good, it lets it out Have you ever had one?

No, Randall.

Sit back.

Just trying to help.

Poor girl.

A cowboy philosopher once told me, "If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging."

This is bullshit.

I know about these things, bro.

They turn you into feeling like a fucking plucked chicken.

I didn't ask you to some.

Okay, guys, let's get started.

If you're going to be a dick, just leave now.

I'm just saying, it's not even legitimate.

Hey, good crowd.

It's all fucking propaganda if you ask me.

We're all here for the same reason.

Our lives have gone out of control.

We all wanted to be big shots, be rich, powerful, but without the effort.

A something for nothing approach to life.

Sounds good to me.

My name is Kelly, and I'm a compulsive gambler.

Hi, Kelly.

My name is Glenda, and I'm a compulsive gambler.

Hi, Glenda.

My name is Matt, and I have a gambling problem.

Hi, Matt.

Hi, it's me, Louisa.

I signed you up for the real estate exam next month.

I hope you're serious about this.


I just wanted to let you know that I'm sending you a check for the payment to your credit union.

And, well, when you feel like talking...I'll see you.

I kept telling myself something Edison said:

"A lot of people don't realize how close they are to success when they give up."

The combo, man.

The shooter.

So did Newkin's lawyer end up saying forget it?



I mean, it starts out the way they always do, "Thank you so much for bringing this to our attention, but..."

Go fuck yourself, right?


Say good night, Sammy.

Good shot, man.

You sell any LA-Z-BOYS lately?

I am in danger of being employee of the month.

That's good.

Well, I'm asshole of the day.

I think I could get used to working there, and then wake up suddenly 20 years from now...

Oh, please stop talking about it, that scares the shit out of me.

Am I gonna' end up some pathetic, lonely sixty-year-old framer?

Hey, guys.

Like another one?

Can't hurt.


Ice cold ones coming up.

Oh, yeah.

It's time for a beer.

Thank you, man.

I'm gonna' go drop the kids off.

"Oh yeah...

...time for a beer."


Hold on, Mr. Chow, it's coming in right now.



No battery compartment.

That's gonna' be a problem.

We need room for the circuit board.

Well, it is too bulky.

Yeah, I know it looks bad, but...

Yeah, well, get your engineers on it, see if you can, I don't know, reduce the circuit board.

We'll try. I'll send you a fax.

Okay. Tonight, yeah?

We'll try.

Excellent. And no buttons.

Oh yeah!

Time for a beer!


Where's the fire?

You all right?

Yeah, I'm great.

Jesus, man!

Let me ask you a question.


We, together, have run our business into the ground, my wife left me, we're working shit jobs, we're completely broke, and we're approaching middle age.

It's reason to be depressed, wouldn't you think?

Do I look depressed?

I don't know.

Look! Do I look depressed?

Is this a trick question?

Bro, we've been friends for twenty years.

We've been through a lot of shit.

But I'm telling you, man, we are on the verge of living the dream!

All right, look.

Sammy's here, everything's gonna' be okay.


You need hugs?

Come on, it's Okay.

No, you know, I don't need a hug.

You know what I do need?

What's that?

I need a beer.

I like beer.

Do you like beer?

Let's have a beer.

Why don't you get us some beer.


All right.

I'll get you a beer.

All right.

You're acting weird, man.


Oh, is there not an opener over there?

That's too bad.

I flaked.

Hey, why don't you try this.

You sure you're all right, man?

You seem crazy.

I feel like I should be concerned about you.

>> Oh, yes! I like beer!

That is hysterical.

>> Oh, yes! I like beer!

Wait a minute.

Where'd you get this?

Where do you think?

You son a bitch.

How much?

$6.95 retail.

Well, it sounds amazing, man!

It's an automatic sound.

There's no buttons.

But the best thing about it is it surprises you!

It's a total surprise!

What's the minimum?

Five thousand units.

Oh, shit.

I can sell that in a week!

Bro, this is it!

This is the one!

This is a chain store product!

This goes everywhere, man!

Jesus Christ!

And hey, you know what? this little thing right here, this is gonna' get you Gina back, man.


If I can repay her.

Oh, I promise you that.

We gotta' get this out before Newkin prick-ass gets a hold of it, right?

Oh, Newkin's not gonna' find out about this!

We introduce it at the L.A. Gift Expo.

L.A. Gift Show, right, right! You know what I mean?

We'll kill Newkin!

And hey, look at me!

I'm gonna' get the money for this, somehow some way!

I just spent the rent money on this prototype.

Yeah, well, I got it.

I don't care where, I'll get it.

Oh, yes! I like beer!

Oh, yes!

I like beer!


How are you?

You look great.

You, too.

How are you, Sam?

What's going on?

Well, I'm...summer time, right?

Pounding nails in the desert, that sucks man.

Something to drink?

Just water, please.

So, did you talk to Matt?

You know, he's doing all right.

He's doing his thing.

But my idea man is reduced to selling furniture in a strip mall.

Sam, is that why you called, to tell me you're worried about Matt?

Well, look, I know he fucked up, okay?

But don't we all, right, you, me?

I mean, you should just be happy that Matt won that coin toss instead of me, because I am the train wreck.

I am the fuck up, right?

I mean, you should just call him, and say, "Hey, Matt, how are you doing?"

And he'd say, "Oh, Gina, you know, I've been doing a little bit Of this, a little bit of that."

Try it.

Oh yes! I like beer!

Did Matt come up with this?


How's he do it?

Oh, you know, it's simple.

I think it has to do with like the metal and the...yeah, I have no idea.

But ur, Gina, this... is the one, telling you.

So we've been talking to some investors and...

I just thought maybe your sister Louisa might be interested.

Matt ask you...?

No, he hasn't. He doesn't know I'm here.

Was this his idea?

No, that would be mine.

Yeah, you know, call me crazy, but she likes to make money.

She wouldn't touch this, Sam.


No. Trust me. Listen, I got to get going.

I've got an early check-in and I haven't packed yet, so...

All right.

I got it, I got it.

I got it.

It's fine.

We've got a big show coming up, so...normally I would never ask this, you know.

I'd's just that, you know...

Sam, Sam, Sam, Sam!

She wouldn't do it.


Take care, man.

All right.

Hey, come on, give me a hug at least!

Good to see you.

You look gorgeous.

I loved Sam like a brother, but he drives me crazy.

You never knew what he was going to say or do next.

There wasn't a thought that entered his head that didn't come straight out of his mouth.

He acts on every scheme, and to hell with the consequences.

What the fuck?

This is how we get Gina's money back.

Sam, is it drugs?

Yes, it's drugs.

No, it's not fucking drugs.

How stupid do you think I am?

All right, this is it.


You know, every once in a while an opportunity presents itself right under our nose.

We just have to reach out there and grab them!

You're acting weird, brother.

No, don't worry about that.

The bartender Carl, he's got this buddy, J.J.

Now, J.J., he's been going out to the desert and he's been making an absolute fortune swiping saguaros.

Okay, we're getting our seed money from committing a felony.

It's a felony!

No, no, not really, man.

You see, because he's got a permit, and he goes and gets prickly pears and the barrel cactuses, and he swipes, you know, a few saguaros, man.

Now, these things go for eight hundred dollars a foot, and then these arms, these go for four hundred.

$0 this is like ten, twenty grand!

It's like two, three tons!

What do you think you're doing?

Okay, where did you get all this?

Here's a shovel.

Look at the size of that thing!

Let's do this.

A four hundred-year-old plant you're going to chop down?

That no one's gonna' miss, buddy.

Fifty yards off the goddamn I-191 Come on, let's get out of here.

The Border Patrol is gonna' be by, seriously.

Come on, I need your help!


Look at yourself!

You're a cactus thief!

You're a fucking cactus thief!


Grab your fucking shovel and help me dig, man!

Come on, man.

We're desperate, we're not this desperate!

Come on, man!

Just calm down for a second.

Come on, bastard!

Come on!


This is it, man.

I mean, I got nothing.

You know that's not true.

Come on, we've been worse.

Somethings gonna'...we're gonna' figure this out, man, and it ain't gonna' be with this cactus.

All right.

There you go.

That's nuts!

It's nuts!

And you just reached in there and all of a sudden there was this talking...

Beer opener.

I want to show Tom.

No, no, I'm gonna' show...

No, Rita, it's a secret!

A secret!

Tom, check it out.

What is it?

Oh, yes! I like beer!

How cool is that?

Hey, I have got to get one of these.

Where can I get one?

I've got an Air Force buddy who would just flip for this.

Yeah my... my husband invented it, so...

I thought you two were separated?

We are.

I think people grow up with an idea about what their life is going to be, and it's hard to break out of that.

All it takes is a little faith.

It's like when the Wizard gave the Scarecrow a diploma.

It completely changed the Scarecrow's idea of himself, and he was able to do things he never thought he could do.

Your last flight.


It's a little scary.

You think you're gonna' like real estate?

Well, if I can get past the paperwork, and Louisa being a control freak.

Oh, yeah.

You know it. You're gonna' be pretty good at it.

I mean, people warm up to you.

I'm going to miss buddy-bidding with you, Rita.

Don't start. No.

Come down to scheduling with me.

I want to check on my trip trade.




Good luck.

And we were just going to talk.

Well, I'm so glad to have you back.

I'm not ready to come back.

Well, you could've fooled me.

I mean, what's...

I know it doesn't make sense, but...

Could you call Sam and see what he's doing tonight?

There's something I'd like to go over with you guys.

You came up with it.

I might say it, but you said it too, once.

You would say it again and again and again with each product, "This is the one..."

Yes. Okay, maybe.


Yes. See?

See anyway, who cares? What's the point, right?

The point is that I think this is the one you guys have been waiting on.


I showed it around our union meeting last week, and everybody, everybody wanted one.

You show it to your sister?

I did.



She said no.


And she's gonna' freak when she finds out what I've done, but let her.

I'm going to pay for the opening order.

That's your retirement money.

I know, Matt, but I think this is an opportunity.

Listen, Gina, it's really...

Whoa, whoa, will you shut up for a second?

Can't you see what she's really trying to do here?

I mean, I can see it.

She's trying to get a fresh start for you guys.

That's what it is, right?

Sam, this is business.


Well, who cares?

I don't care.

Cut it.

I'm in!

Thank you.

Don't thank me yet.

So, the opening order, plus $6400 additional

to pay Bean what you owe him, and rehire him.

And he controls the checkbook.


Of course.

Yeah, it's fine by me.


The other thing is...


I want one-third of the profits.

The early-out bonus isn't enough for a house, and I'm not sure I'm cut out for real estate.


That's fine with me.

A third?


What happens if you guys get back together?

That's two-thirds!

I'm getting railroaded!

Still a third.

Okay, Gina.

You're shrewd, all right.


I'm thinking of a number here, I'm gonna' throw it out there.

40-40-20. How about it?

A third.

Think about it. 25. How about it?

Look at me. It's a good deal.

A third.

Thirty-three point three, three, three.

All right, fuck it!

Who cares, man?

Let's do this!

There's enough money to go around for all of us!

What the hell am I thinking?



I mean, this is amazing!

I love you guys!

Okay, Dave, let me set the scene for you.

All right.

You just got home from work.

You're heading in the house, and you head straight for the refrigerator, open the door, and...

Oh yeah!

Time for a beer!

This time...the only reason you go to work in the morning is to get to this moment with the beer at night.

Yeah, baby.

Oh yeah!

Time for a beer!

That's it. That's good.

That's it.


You're amazing.

Thank you.

Maybe try it with a chuckle on the 'Oh, yeah!'

Okay, sure.

Take two, Talking Beer Opener?

Yep. Yep.

Oh yeah! Time for a beer!



Hi, it's me.


Any word on the container?

Yeah, they're still stuck in customs.

I'll call the steamship company tomorrow.

I don't imagine it'll be more than a couple of days.

Also, this flyer should go out tonight, so...

It's really all happening.

Yeah. Yeah, it is.

Listen, I've got to go.

Louisa's here, so..

All right, bye.




Well what?

Did you do what I said and ask for your money back?

Louisa, you don't listen!

I told you, it's a done deal.

The container is in Long Beach.

Next week, we're introducing the opener at the L.A. Gift Expo.

Uh, you're so naive.

What do you know about business?

What did you know about real estate when you started?

You're blind!

You've been with him eight years, and what do you have?

You're going to end UP With nothing!

No house, no job, no money!


This is my decision. Not Matt's, not yours. Mine.


This is gonna' bring us some serious FU money, you guys.

You're damn right.

What's FU money?

Fuck-you money.

Wouldn't that be FY?

FY, Bean.

Who needs a hug?

Come here.


One hundred and eighty-four cartons.

Five thousand openers.


Hey, guys, what's a Talking Beer Opener?

Allow my assistant to demonstrate.

International Gifts presents.

What's it say?

The Talking Beer Opener.

>> Oh yeah!

>> Time for a beer!

Oh, that's pretty good!

I've never seen that before, man!

But why didn't you guys use a man's voice like, "Oh yeah! Time for a beer!"

Yeah, really?


>> Oh yeah!

>> Time for a beer!


Checking them!

Damn it!

Check them! Check them!

Check them!

Alvin and the fucking Chipmunks!

Can't catch a break!

No, I tested them all.

They're all bad!

Listen to it!

>> Oh yeah!

>> Time for a beer!


So I mean, what are we gonna' do about this, Mr. Chow?

Well, you send the defective ones back, we'll check them out, see what the problem is.

No, no, absolutely not.

You fix the problem right now!

I need samples and stock available right away for the L.A. Gift Expo!

Let me talk to him.

Shut up!

Absolutely not!

You got to get over there.

I can get you a pass.

Well, let's see what the problem is.

>> Oh yeah! >> Time for a beer!

We can put a gold resistor here, stabilize the recording rate.


Put in a bigger speaker, right?

Make it louder.

Great, great.

How quickly can we get, say, 10 dozen?

Well, we can work hard.

Have it by tomorrow morning.

Huh, great!

Quality control, sound testing, 100%. No more problems.

That's excellent, Mr. Chow.

We... we're going to need the rest of the order shipped air freight at your expense, so we can have openers in the store right after the Expo.

The customer always pays for the shipping.

Yes, but this was your fault, Mr. Chow.

Well, maybe some air freight.

We share the cost, yes?

I'll tell you, the sooner my customers get these, the sooner you get a reorder.


What are they saying?

Uh, yes! "Time for Tsing-Tao!"

China's most popular beer.

I see.

What time is it?

10 minutes to noon.

You ready?

This is it, here we go.

It's like the guy said once, "Everything that's loose in this country eventually rolls to L.A.

And they were all there.

From the Mom and Pop stores to the big chains.

This is the biggest trade show of the year."

Would you like to see a talking beer opener?

That's right, check it out right here.

Talk to her, she'll make it happen, right here.

That's right.

Come on over.

Hey, guys.

Check it out.

Happy Hour just got happier!

Let me talk to you about the sexiest openers...

Excuse me, can I buy a sample?

My husband is a talking beer opener.


Toys For Men.


Oh, yeah, that's near San Diego, yeah?

Yeah, right.

Three stores, actually.

And let me tell you, it's so hard to find gifts for men.

You walk this show, any show, it's women's gifts, women's gifts.

And then finally I stumble on you guys.

You know, I'll take... what's 3 times 72?


Yeah, 216.

You can write it up.

These are great.

Love it.

All right, thank you.

Jesus, Larry, look what's going on!

Are those the two schmucks that came to our office?


Guaranteed one show wonders.

My, my, my-

They're getting quite a crowd.

Yeah, but it's not a product for TV.

Too cheap, $7 retail?

Got to be $19.95 for TV.

That's the magic price.

If it's not on TV, who gives a shit, right?

Hey, Newkin!

How 'bout you, man?

How 'bout you? what an asshole.

Bye now.

What was that?

Repartee, a gift store in Portland, ordered at the show, showed the flyer to a customer, who just ordered 250 for a wedding reception.

That's exciting, isn't it?

You know, we've got this going, but now we got to keep it going.

I was thinking we got to diversify the brands, come up with new ideas.

I was thinking, I don't know, maybe The Three Stooges?

I love Curly.


What about, "Mmmm, beer."


"Mmmm, beer!"

"Oh Yes" "Woo-hoo!"

Matt, Craig's on two!

Tell him we've just moved in, we need 3 more phone lines.

What about that stuff going to Australia?

How about that order going to Australia?

Brenda, hold my calls!

>> Yes!

>> Oh, yes!

>> Woo-hoo!

(In Spanish) >> ...Homer Simpson! (CER-VEZA ... beer)

(In Japanese) >> ...Homer Simpson...!

(In Norwegian) >> ...Homer Simpson!

Take two, Talking Beer Opener.

A beer, sir? (Cerveza, senor?)

Yes, Corona! (Si, Corona!)

Oh, you speak Spanish. (Oh, habla Espanol.)

Yes, Corona! (Si, Corona.)

Nice! (Bueno!)


I'm really happy for Gina.

She finally got that casita she always wanted, bought it all by herself.

Sam gave her a plaque to put over the door that said "Casa de Homer".

Her sister Louisa was horrified.

Hi, Sam.

Hey, Sam.

How are you doing?


All right, guys.

Gina, to making your new house a home, sister!

Here here!


The place looks great.


Yeah, a guy could get used to living here.

I don't know, Matt.

I don't

Gina, seriously.

Okay, I got an idea.

You got a flashlight?

I'm not crazy, am I?

"I know he's a little off.

Yes, but that's why you liked him right now.

That's what I always love about him."


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