Inner City Rats (2019) Script

All I need is $36 and a handgun.

We got handguns.

What's the $36 for?

That's how much it's gonna cost for a bottle of Henny.

You nervous, why you want the Henny?

I just always make my best decisions when I drink.

What's up Pop?

Slide me a bottle of Henny on the cool.

But yo let me ask you something, why we so stuck on the neighbors?

Because who the fuck else is there?

The pussy boy.

Pussy boy, who the fuck is that?

The Ellen Degeneres looking motherfucker.

What?

The clerk from the fucking store!

You think he'd put up a fight?

You talking about robbing a store that we was just seen on camera buying from?

I just started thinking about it, why not?

You wanna end up on the nightly news and have every motherfucker in the city knowing our faces?

Then I say we stick to the neighbors tonight.

It's easy, it's low risk.

But easy doesn't always mean the biggest reward.

Yo we gotta start somewhere, easy doesn't sound like too bad of a fucking place to start.

We got it planned, we're familiar, and most importantly it's not a store that we discovered two minutes ago!

But listen to me...

Also, you know that every bodega got a Pakistani motherfucker with a shotgun behind the counter waiting to blow your shit off.

That was a young white dude though!

It don't matter man!

Look it plays out two ways, he's pussy and he doesn't give a fuck or he doesn't give a fuck

'cause he's too pussy!

Yo Dre, why you so set on this fucking store?

Well that's the best part, while I was looking for my diet strawberry daiquiris, I was walking around and I saw a big brown box in the back.

The top was slightly open.

Uh huh?

Some interesting shit was written on the inside of that box.

And what'd it say?

R-O-L-E-motherfucking-X.

Rolex!

That's what I saw written on the little green case peaking outta the big brown box in the back which I bet houses at least 10 more watches judging by the size of the box.

Hey stupid, there's no way that store had 10 Rolexes.

There's no way that shit even had one.

Your eyes are playing tricks on you Dre.

Real Rolexes? Nah.

But official or not, I could name five motherfuckers, Pip from Queensbridge being one of them, who can't tell the difference between a Rolex and a plastic watch you give a little kid for his fucking birthday.

And you know how much them shits could be worth?

I don't gotta fucking tell you, you already know.

Yo Dre, I don't normally change plans, especially not last minute.

But this time, I'mma go with you on this one.

But we gotta do this shit right, no dummy shit, okay?

Of course no dummy shit, of course.

I'm rolling with you.

We gon' need some shit to cover our faces, ski masks or something.

So where the fuck we getting ski masks at?

Hey can I help you find anything today?

Yeah where can I find a couple of black ski masks?

Uh I'm sorry, we only carry those in the winter.

Any other type of mask will do, it don't have to be black.

What's the occasion?

Wedding! Picnic!

I see.

The blue or black?

You know I like polka dots.

Register now!

I shouldn't even have to say this shit, but I'mma say this shit: You make a move or you try to fight back, I'mma blow your fucking brains out and you going to bed without a faggot ass head!

Whatever you say!

So get every goddamn cent out of that fucking register!

You fucking talking so much, get every goddamn cent!

Don't actually get us no fucking pennies and nickels though man!

We just want the cash!

Paper only!

Wait wait wait wait wa!

They got the rolls of quarters, those are worth like $10.

Fuck man!

If you got those then give them shits to us!

But we don't want no goddamn pennies!

That's it! That's it!

Man that's it?

That's all that's in the drawer!

What!

That's not even like 84 bucks!

Yo they still got the box, we still got the box, at least we got that!

Go see that shit cause I swear to God man, if we did this shit for 84 bucks, I swear to God!

Yo I got a gut feeling it'll be there.

I got a gut feeling!

There's something else in the drawer.

What's underneath those Twix man?

I know you got more under there!

Go get that shit!

Man put that shit in the bag, just like this cuz.

Put that shit in the bag!

Oh shit!

Ah fuck!

My fucking...

Fuck, goddamn! Yo I'mma get the box, I'mma get the cash and be out!

Hold on, hold on, hold on!

Bullshit bro!

Fuck, ah shit!

Oh fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.

I got this, bro!

Oh shit, fuck Dre.

Oh shit there better be something in that fucking box.

Oh there better something in that fucking box.

Fuck!

Fuck.

Where the fuck are the Rolexes?

Fuck.

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck me.

Why do I always gotta make stupid decisions?

Oh we should have robbed my Czech neighbor not this fucking store!

Fuck it's because I never drink Hennessy, I always drink Paul Masson.

Fuck!

Oh shit!

There be better something in that fucking box!

Yo Pippin we should leave now.

Shit.

Shit.

What!

Ow!

You stupid motherfucker!

Yo I promise next time we'll plan it better, I'll make sure it's straight.

No!

We just killed a motherfucker and robbed a store midday.

The cops is gonna be on their way any fucking minute now.

And we did it all for a box full of nudey mags and old cum!

Yo, I made a...

How's that for a gut feeling?


Oh fuck.

Oh fuck.

Yo!

Oh shit!

I take it those sirens are for you?

What'd you fucking do?

Whack the entire A$AP Mob?

Ah yo, do me a favor, take my gun.

Shoot me.

Look man... You can have this money, I swear to God.

Look I admit, it's not the lottery but it's 80 bucks and some snacks that you ain't have five minutes ago.

Alright man, I'm not gonna shoot you or take your money or do any other stupid shit you want me to do.

Instead I'll tell you this: a few blocks down there's an abandoned art studio, I just passed by it.

If you can make it down there, well you might have a chance at escaping the little girls in blue.

But that's not gonna do much for your knee problem, the only way you're gonna take care of that hole in your knee is getting arrested and taken to a hospital.

The choice is yours man, not mine.

Wait!

I got my own shit to take care of!

What the fuck man, what the, yo, what the fuck!

Hey, hey yo!

Yo!

His name's Diablo.

He lives above a gym.

You'll see it.

Is he there right now?

He's always there.

This guy doesn't do shit, his whole life is guns, guns, guns.

I'll call him and let him know to expect you.

Jezebel, you are a lifesaver.

I need a name.

Uh my name's Terrence.

Oh Terrence like uh, Terry?

Yeah sure.

Okay cool, cool.

What's up man?

I'm a friend of Jezebel's.

A friend of who?

Jezebel.

Jezebel...

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.

Alright, yeah, nice girl.

What's up man?

I'm looking to buy something from you.

Oh I see.

So you want to come in?

I'd like to, yeah.

Alright yeah, yeah sure, man.

Come on.

It would be rude of me if I don't offer you some of this delicious pot roast that I have back there in the fridge.

No thanks.

No thanks because you don't like pot roast or because you are not hungry?

Uh, little bit of both.

Okay but let me tell you pal, this recipe is delicious, man.

The first time I tried it, it blew my balls off.

So are you sure?

Yeah, I'm not looking to get my balls blown off today.

Alright, alright, fair enough.

Now, I always ask this to start, what is the main reason you want to purchase one of my weapons, huh?

Just protection, is that okay?

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's fine.

Do you have a price range you wanna spend?

Well I really only need it for one day, is it cheaper 'cause of that?

Protection for one day, huh?

Come on, pal, don't bullshit me.

Who's ass are you looking to blast?

What? Someone can't have protection for one day?

We both know what that means, man.

Well I don't know what to tell you, pal.

Alright, no pressure.

If you don't wanna say, you don't wanna say.

Alright fuck it, you really wanna know who?

I'm all ears.

My fucking wife, that's who.

Your fucking wife?

What for?

She's a fucking slut, that's why.

Damn man, that some crazy shit right there.

Uh-huh.

Well listen pal, I'm not judging here, that's not my place.

Well, I appreciate that.

Well let's go back to the price, man.

Honestly, I cannot give you a better price based on how long you're gonna keep the weapon, you know?

If it's 30 days, 30 minus, 30 years, for me it's the same.

How much to buy one?

Alright, now you're talking!

I have some babies here that start from 500 even and some shit that goes to thousands.

What uh...

What's that one?

Oh that baby right there, that's an M60, my friend.

That's the one they use in the military.

Yeah, have you seen that?

But that's way too big for you, man I don't wanna recommend you that.

For you, what you need is a handgun.

Ah.

Look, honestly this is all out of my price range.

Maybe I can work a deal?

No, no, no I think this whole thing is a bust.

I'm gonna take a different route, but I appreciate your time.

Alright, your call.

But first, I'm gonna ask you to set down that Beretta 21 A Bobcat back on the bed where you grabbed it.

What uh, what are you talking about?

The handgun that you took from the bed, I want you to put it back.

I don't know what you're fucking talking about.

Really dude?

You want me to pull a gun out of you?

Let me tell you pal, this is a battle you ain't gonna win, I know these babies more than you know your freaking dick, alright?

I still don't know what the fuck you're talking about, I didn't take a handgun.

I didn't take anything from that bed.

Come on, what we doing here?

Hmm?

You really want this?

Okay.

Alright.

Fuck.

Look it fell off the bed, I picked it up...

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's your story, get the fuck out of here right now.

Sure.

Yeah there's only one door, you can see it, use it!

Fucking asshole.

I don't care, man.

Bye, bye!

I didn't mean anything by it just so you know.

Fucking idiot, stealing from me.


Ah man, this shit's good.

Yeah I don't remember the last time I ate a whole fucking meal.

Yeah right.

You know what, food, man, is like a fucking drug.

Like I feel high off hot dog right now.

Yeah greasier the better, dude.

Yeah and the best part is you can't overdose on no hot dog.

Yeah you can become a fat fuck though.

Not me, man Have you seen my fucking diet?

I could eat pure lard every day for a month and gain maybe one pound tops.

Yeah, that's what coke will do to you.

No man, I'm telling you, it's my body, alright?

My body is like a fucking Chinese sweatshop the way it gets shit done, it works fucking overtime.

Yo after we're done with this shit, you wanna go take some orders?

That fucking idiot didn't even have enough money to last us like a whole day.

Yeah fuck yeah, man.

Let's do it.

It's been a minute since we last took orders.

Yeah and we're gonna have to start doing it like every day or else I'm gonna have to get a real fucking job dude.

Yeah fuck that, me and a real job ain't ever gonna meet.

Not in this life.

Yo fucking Daniel's having like a day party right now.

Wait he is?

What he didn't tell ya?

I guess it slipped his fucking mind.

Yeah well you wanna hit it up afterwards?

We don't have any fucking shit to do anyway.

Yeah sure, fuck yeah man.

Let's do it.

I don't know where the fuck I put it.

Well keep searching man they're somewhere.

Thanks man, that's really, really fucking helpful.

I wonder if I should shave my head.

Oh wait a second, I think I know where they are.

It'd be easier to manage.

I could take fewer showers.

Here we go.

Yo Vince.

Vince!

Yo I think I'm gonna fucking do it, man.

I think I'm gonna shave my head.

Good for you, man.

That's fucking great.

Here's yours.

Oh shit.

You found 'em.

Good afternoon, miss.

Hi, how ya doing?

Hi. Hi!

Hey, I'm alright.

We're taking orders out here, just making sure the line inside doesn't get too long.

The fire marshal's been on our ass.

Not from around here, are you sir?

Nah, you can tl?

Where you from?

Houston, Texas.

Arkansas. Proud of it.

Long way from Arkansas.

So what can I get for you today?

Uh man, I'd have to think about that.

I don't know, I haven't seen the menu yet.

Oh well let me simplify for you.

Okay, you can have a burger with one patty, you can have a burger with two patties, or you can have a burger with three patties.

Oh man, let's just go with two patties.

Only two patties?

Yeah.

I'm really not that hungry.

What's your name, sir?

Ronnie.

Debbie.

Debbie!

Let me ask you something Debbie. how often do you come to New York?

Not very often.

Not very often?

Yeah, this is actually my first time.

This is your first time! Yeah!

And can I ask you a personal question, Ronnie?

Sure.

Have you tied the knot yet?

Oh yeah, I got a wife and two kids right back at the hotel right now.

Does your wife want a man that grabs the bull by the horns, or does your wife want a man that can barely finish two patties on one burger?

Live life to the fullest, you gotta have three patties.

Come on, sure it's a little bit more expensive, but you're gonna be able to tell your grandchildren that when you went to New York City you gave it your all while you were there.

Alright, let's do it.

Why not?

That's true.

That's true.

I'm a big boy, I can handle a little extra meat.

Well I want you to have a shake with that too and a large fry, really make your wife proud.

Let's do it, let's make her proud.

Let's make her proud, Ronnie.

So that's a burger, fries, a shake, and a water.

Are you sure you don't want anything else?

No, I couldn't possibly eat more than that.

Alright, well that will be $31.

Okay Ronnie, that will be $36 today and we only accept cash.

$36.

They were not lying when they said New York City's expensive, were they?

Here you go.

Thank you.

Your food will be ready in no time.

Alright, thank you very much go on inside, they'll know how to find you.

Great, thank you so much!

Thank you.

Yo these fucking tourists are too easy, dude.

Debbie was pretty fine, I'd have let her fuck me.

How much you get?

31, you?

I got fucking 36 bucks from that fucker.

Hey that's not bad, that's enough for a G, G and a half.

Dude it's probably more than these fucking actual workers make.

Now let's bounce before some of these faggots start asking for their food.

Let's do it.

Hey!


Hey what's good?

Hey what's good?

Hey, what's good?

Hey wake up.

Hey you are missing the party.

You're missing the party.

Ah, fuck that.

'Cause it's like here's my dick, right.

Wait. And it's like skin.

No skin.

Skin.

No skin.

So wait there's skin at the front and no skin at the back?

No you pull it back, dude So like when you fucking jack off, you don't even need anything.

You just fucking fuck yourself.

You know what I mean?

So if someone tells you to go fuck yourself, you say "I'm not circumcised so I always do".

Yeah technically you have to say that legally.

You do? Yeah, yeah.

If you're not circumcised, you have to say you're not circumcised?

I don't think that's right.

What?

You said you have to say that legally that you're not circumcised.

I'm not circumcised.

So you have to say...

Legally.

Wait.

You have to legally announce that like before you have sex...

No dude, it was totally legal.

You have to be like "by the way I'm not circumcised" or else like you're breaking a law or something?

It's not illegal to be circumcised.

No but listen, I need a fucking shot right now.

I need a shot.

I need a fucking shot.

Someone give me a shot, man.

Let's go.

You taking a shot with me?

You're gonna take a shot with me.

Yore taking one too.

Everybody's fucking taking shots.

Everybody's taking shots.

My sister can go fuck herself for all I care.

I won't fucking answer to that bitch.

I don't, I don't answer to that bitch.

What do you mean?

I don't fucking, she's always like...

What do you mean "fuck herself"?

What does that mean?

You don't know?

Like with her fingers?

Fuck you, man.

She's not you.

You're taking a fucking shot!

Get that shit together, let's go.

Let's go. Pour it out.

Let's go.

Let's go, let's go.

That's right.

There we go.

There we go, there we go, there we go.

I like that, uh!

Oh!

Ah shit.

Woooo!

I love it, I love it.

Stop it. You're looking really sad all of a sudden.

It's just like, I don't understand what crabs are.

'Cause I've had crabs...

They're little critters that live in the fucking ocean, you dumb ass.

It looks like little fucking animals in my fucking pubic hair.

Do they pinch you?

Yeah they bite, dawg, and they fucking burrow inside me.

Like I keep fucking shaving and you know I'm Jewish so it grows so fast and then it's like they just come out after.

It's like even if you shave, they don't go away.

I know.

That's how crabs are.

I don't understand why they're called crabs.

They're not like from the ocean.

Does it look like a crab?

I've seen crabs, crabs are huge.

These are little fucking little tiny motherfuckers.

It's a hermit crab. No it's not.

You have hermit crabs.

I have hermit crabs?

Yeah that's what it's called, that's the official...

Hermit crabs?

Yeah it's like the doctors they call it hermit crabs.

Dude I was like fucking, fucking this fucking Indian chick and she was like a Buddhist and she told me that you're like kinda like a fucking hermit crab but you die and then you just like change shells, but that's what's all over my dick.

Shit!

Kidding me, kidding me.

You're kidding me!

Yes!

I don't want to.

I'll fuck you up right now.

Don't make me, Kookie... Short round, I will, hey don't fucking ball tap me.

Kookie, give me the fucking cash.

Give me the fucking lighter, bitch.

You know what?

You should take kung fu lessons 'cause then you can get your ass kicked on a regular basis and pay for it, you know?

Thank you.

Thank you.

Yes, yes.

No, no, no, no, no fuck that.

What the hell is that?

What the hell is that shit?

Is this fucking guy cool?

Of course I'm cool.

Everybody thinks I'm cool.

Nah I'm just playing, but you're not gonna fucking piss on my couch again right?

Dude, I can't believe you even bring that shit up man.

That was a one time ordeal.

I swear to God never to be repeated.

Swear to me fucking Kookie.

I swear to me fucking Kookie that's never gonna fucking happen again.

It took three days to clean my couch.

Ah man I can't believe you still kept that shit, but...

I don't have any fucking money.

Are you serious?

Why'd you invite this motherfucker?

This is for you. This is a

"I'm sorry I peed on your couch" stick.

I'll take that.

Yeah okay.

But we gotta go upstairs and smoke it cause everybody else is gonna want a piece of it.

Right, right.

Hey come on, man.

Yo dude.

Why are we fucking on top of the roof?

Because why aren't we on top of the roof, until we are, but why weren't we on top of the roof from the beginning?

Yo he's cool man, whatever.

Fuck outta here.

You know what?

You're so complaining all the time, Jesus.

You know, you gotta like enjoy the little things, that's what your girlfriend says, right?

Vince fucked your sister.

Oh fuck you man, Vince doesn't fuck anything, he just says that shit.

I fucked your sister at summer camp.

Huge tits bro.

Huge fucking tits.

Me and all the counselors.

She said she enjoyed the little things.

Oh shit.

Oh shit. Hey yo Vince, you got that pass me that light.

This is fucked up, man.

Dude, the fuck on top of the roof, the bitches are downstairs.

Why are we up here?

Get em up here bro.

Huh?

The bitches are downstairs.

Yo fucking Sherlock Holmes over here.

Solving mysteries left and right.

Fuck you man.

Hey you want this shit?

Come on, lighten up.

You know what?

This is, I got something for you.

What do you have for me?

Check this shit out.

Yeah jump.

He got his cock out, what the fuck?

Are you fucking serious?

Fuck you!

Fuck Kookie!

Dude fuck this guy, man.

Look at his fucking dick. This is what I'm talking about man.

The fuck is that? Oh my God.

Yeah get it out, dude.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey!

What? Fuck!

Check this shit out.

Hit the guy in the fucking suit.

That motherfucker?

That motherfucker.

Boom!

Oh! Shit Yeah fuck you, motherfucker!

Fuck you!

Yeah hey, you like piss?

That's what you get for wearing a fucking suit!

Yo wait, you see that dog, dude?

Yeah get it, get it.

Yo dog!

Fuck you, motherfucker!

What's up dog!

Yeah I scared the shit out of that dog!

Hey! Hurry up, you're gonna fucking miss it.

Dude, it's the fucking best moment right here.

Do it!

Do it.

Hey!

Get away from the ledge.

I said get away from the fucking ledge.

You're under arrest.

This whole goddamn roof is under arrest.

Why don't you suck my dick?

Oh shit!

Fuck.

It's Francisco, what's good?

I'm outside his place, Kelly's already up there.

We probably don't even need guns.

All he does is fucking smoke weed every day, he's no threat.

Yo that's what I call a nonissue.

I'm expecting us to be in and out, just like the burger.

It's one motherfucker, maybe he has a friend, it doesn't matter.

The point is he won't be expecting shit.

For all I know, Kelly's already figured out where his stash is and is making him his bitch as we speak.

It's all worth it for the good shit we're gonna get.

I'll call you when it's done.


Hey Francisco man, you finally showed.

It's alright, I was always the tardy guy in school, have a seat next to Kelly.

Have a seat.

Hey Stevie, how you doing?

I appreciate you guys being able to do this tonight, it's been a fucking nightmare of a couple of days.

Well this is the first time I've been out in a minute.

I just got over a bad flu, man.

I was just coughing and sneezing and...

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, you're serious?

Yeah.

The fuck is wrong with you?

What? You're gonna bring your germs in here, your Mexican filth fever, really you trying to get me sick?

Chill man, I'm healthy now.

Fuck, I'm not even Mexican.

You don't gotta worry.

I'm just busting your balls, man.

But really though, there's a sink over there, could you go wash your hands?

My immune system's a real cold-hearted bitch.

Sure.

And use the soap.

So what's with those guys over there?

I don't remember you having any bodyguards last time.

Well Bernard and Frazier are the canines.

And those two big, beautiful bastards are Buddy and Al.

They're a quiet bunch but they get loud when they need to be.

They're pretty fucking scary, man.

I had to install this whole state of the art security system cause shit is just getting too dangerous nowadays.

You know, I look out my window and I think half of the people out there would rob me and slit my throat over an ounce of fucking weed.

Oh hey man, I mean you do sell good shit, don't get me wrong, but don't you think that might be a little excessive?

People say that shit but you can never be too careful.

I was watching TV the other day, I never fucking watch that shit, there's too many subliminal messages.

You know what I'm saying Nevertheless it was on and they're airing this documentary about a drug dealer murdered in his own home by people he sees all the time.

Not some hitman but people he considered to be his friends.

I thought to myself "fuck that shit", so Buddy, Al and those Airbuds there were hired.

Airbuds?

No more like fucking Cujos, man.

I guess at means they're effective.

You ever had to use them yet?

No and honestly, I hope I never have to, but doesn't mean they're not experienced though.

Used to belong to this mob boss Uptown.

Killed more cats than curiosity with him.

But, gentlemen, how 'bout we change the subject?

Yeah, yeah, yeah fine with me.

So what, you guys call me out of the blue, you buying, selling, you got a deal, you have an offer?

Talk to me.

Let's see that green shit of yours that's so fucking good.

Do me a favor, give me that maroon suitcase over there.

Oh Francisco, why don't you go get that shit?

We're looking to make a deal that makes both of us real happy, lots of money for you, lots of product for us.

Perfect.

So this is where you keep your stash?

There's no lock or anything, just open it up.

What the fuck are these?

CD's.

I don't get it, man.

This is how I roll now.

What you think I just leave my stash out in the open for any motherfucker to just walk in here and steal it out from under me?

No, guys, that shit's for the pigeons.

This is way better, just play one.

Is it just sound or a video?

It's a fucking CD not a goddamn DVD, alright yes just sound.

Okay, sorry man.

Play one.

Does it matter which one?

You guys are making this way more complicated than it needs to be.

You pick up a CD, you open up the player, you put it in, you press play.

♪ My friends turn me on

♪ I live for drugs


Midnight Frostbite.

What the fuck is Midnight Frostbite, man?

That's the name of the weed that goes with this song.

Oh so that's what you're doing, you got songs that correspond with the weed you're selling?

I always say you can tell a lot about a person's musical tastes by the type of weed that they smoke, right?

And not everything goes with Pink Floyd or Bob Marley, okay?

I got light shit, dark shit, weird shit, and it all corresponds with a different synthetic strand.

This, this is that I wanna choke fuck you on the sidewalk at three in the morning kinda mood, you know?

But hey, pick another one, get a better idea of what I got.

So uh, where do you keep your actual stash Secret.

I want you to play another one, get a better idea.

That's a good one.

It's a two parter, now the first track is when you're first coming up into the high and the second part is when you're real deep into the night or afternoon, morning, whenever you smoke.

So what, I'm gonna be like the member of a '70s soul group if I smoke this shit?

Originally this was called Agent Orange, but then I synthetically mixed it, spliced it together with California Dreamin' and turned it into a trip.

Hey Stevie, let me ask you something.

Ask away.

I know you said it's a secret

and I understand that, but is your stash close by?

I mean the reason I ask is as much as I fuck with this new method, there's nothing like smelling and touching, you know?

Yeah I'll tell you what, you find one you like, I'll let you touch and smell the shit out of it, but until then, let's just say that Nicolas Cage in "National Treasure" would have a real hard time finding it.

That's good. Yeah.

Hey, no but I do see where Francisco's coming from here.

I mean you gotta admit it's pretty fucking difficult to get an idea of the strand solely from the music.

I mean, we don't even know what this weed looks like, tastes like or smells like, and when you're looking to buy something new, which we are, all three of those things are very, very important.

So um, what do you think?

We could go and see your stash.

I'm enjoying this.

You guys don't seem to be.

No, no, no. Hold on, no, no, we never said we aren't enjoying it.

This is fucking great.

We're just not used to doing business in this fashion. Right.

Guys I'm conflicted here, okay.

I've got two devils on my shoulder.

One, the salesman in me is saying hey Stevie, these two guys are gonna have a much better idea, buying experience if you will, if they can touch and smell the shit, see what I have to offer.

The second is the felon in me, saying don't fucking trust body and keep your shit hidden away and therefore safe.

What's a guy to do?

Look man, there's a disconnect here if you don't think you can trust us.

I mean, come on.

Here's the thing, I don't like to think anything, I like to know.

Amen.

You mind if Francisco and I have a quick word in the corner?

Yeah sure.

Just don't come back saying some shit I don't wanna hear, huh?

Right.

Yeah sure, I mean.

Come on.

Alright just act like we're having a normal conversation, okay?

Let's not get this fucking wack job any more paranoid than he already is.

Okay, it's pretty fucking obvious this shit ain't going down anymore.

No shit. And even if by some miracle he does manage to show his stash, snatching it's outta the question now.

Well we weren't anticipating dogs and Shaquille O'Neal's two cousins to be guarding the place.

What's next?

We just gotta buy some shit and fucking split.

Well you know he's expecting us to buy some real fucking nice expensive shit.

Problem is I don't really have the inclination to spend that kind of money.

You're going to have to start to develop that inclination cause that's the only way we're getting out of here on good terms.

Unless.

You armed?

Yeah the guard didn't catch it in the pat down, what about you? No, no I forgot my piece at home because last time we came here a fucking banana gun would have been sufficient.

Well I'm not about to start a gunfight where I'm outnumbered by people and by dogs.

Where does that fucking leave us then?

Like I said, we buy something, it doesn't have to be big, it could even be a dime bag, just enough to appease him and make it appear like we didn't waste his time and leave with nothing.

We cook up an excuse as to why we need to leave early, the vaguer the excuse the better, then we promise we'll return in the future which of course we never do and we forget about this crazy fuck forever.

How does that sound?

What are we gonna tell the boss?

We'll figure that out later.

Fuck I can't think of anything else.

Me neither.

Alright, let's do it.

You guys get enough time to talk through what you needed?

Yeah.

And?

We're gonna have to continue this transaction some other time, man.

I'm sorry.

And why is that?

Well we had some um, unexpected financial shit that came up.

But we do wish to purchase a small sample.

A dime bag, so you know we didn't waste your time.

Right.

Guys, there's a reason I have an $8000 apartment and why I can afford to hire 24 hour black guy/canine security.

It's 'cause I put in the fucking work.

I worked hard to develop my own shit so that I can make sure that my shit is the shit.

You put my shit next to any guy's shit, I guarantee that my shit is gonna shit on their shit.

But you know, as they say, when you're at the top, every fucking body wants to bring you down.

Now figuring out who people are, that's the hard part.

For all I know, Buddy and Al over here could turn a couple Nat Turners on me and wake me up one night with a bullet in my head.

But I'm particularly confident in their loyalty.

I can't say the same about everybody else though.

So yeah, a dime bag, I'm not sure I'm interested in selling you two a dime bag after that load of a bullshit excuse you guys gave me.

You know, for a second, I thought I had Louis CK and...

fuck, you know I can't think of a Mexican comedian's name right now but you guys get the point.

I thought I had a fucking couple of comedians in here because of that bullshit joke of an excuse.

Some financial shit?

Really?

No guys, my desire to sell you two some high quality shit has faded.

But I am interested in selling you two an opportunity.

Oh Stevie! An opportunity to leave this apartment exactly the way you are now. Stevie, come on!

I'm not finished!

Now, I'm sure that Buddy here could break off your fingers, just as easily as Al could rip your knees caps off, and that would be very easy.

Even easier still would be if Al were to hold you down while Buddy gave you a root canal with a screwdriver.

Now, he is a licensed physian, I'm pretty sure he would do a great job.

But none of that's gonna be necessary if you play a little game of trust with me.

I'm sorry, are you fucking with us right now?

You call me out of the blue, talking about something big, and then all of a sudden you gotta split when I don't show you my stash?

Something's not fucking right about it and I wanna know about it right now.

Everything is fucking fine, Stevie!

Shut the fuck up, Kelly!

Who the fuck is named Kelly anyway?

That's a goddamn girl's name.

No guy is named Kelly.

Alright guys, this is how this works, you two are gonna tell me exactly what it is that you two spoke about over there or you're gonna leave this apartment saying, "Oh gosh, I wish I would have told Stevie

"the truth, I'm so sorry, Stevie."

Oh well you want to know what we spoke about in the fucking corner, you son of a bitch?

I want to know the fucking truth!

We already told you the fucking truth and you called it a load of bullshit, what the fuck?

It's true!

We have a money issue and it's gotta get resolved.

There's nothing else to say.


Well I'm about done with this shit.

You guys still want that dime bag?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah we do.

Here's the second part of that synthetic strain.

Ooh, it's a real party when you smoke this shit.

Yeah it's good.

Yeah this is good, man.

We'll take this.

Yeah it will blow you away guys.

Let me go get it for you, okay?

We're so close to getting out of here.

That fucker scares the fuck outta me, man.

Yeah, those guys are big.

Hey man, you really a licensed physician?

Man what kind of stupid question is that?

Shut the fuck up, man.

Are you fucking stupid?

Shut up.

Ah where the fuck is he?

Make sure they don't leave.

Oh shit!

Fuck you, you son of a bitch!

You don't know who you're fucking with!

Fuck you!

Get the fuck off!

You know, I was thinking about what to do with you rats, and well, your teeth are looking a little yellow, so maybe they could use a good cleaning, uh?

No, no, no!


What's going on with the noise, man?

There is nothing going on with the noise.

What the fuck is going on?

Holy shit.


Fuck you!

Fuck!

What the fuck happened!

My fucking mouth is destroyed!

Get the fuck off me!

Please help!

The fuck is your problem with the Knicks?

I got a debt the size of Madison Square Garden for betting on 'em.

Sound like you ain't got nobody to blame except for yourself, player.

Do you know the last time they won a championship?

Hey wait, hold up.

What's up?

Are you a Knicks fan?

No.

Damn alright never mind.

Aye I fuck with that shirt though!

Thanks bro!

You're popular here.

Alright is there anything specific you wanna do while you're in the city?

I gotta get those dumplings again.

Oh at Radiance, Radiance dumplings.

But those dumplings are expensive. I know.

Did Mommy give you the card?

Of course she did.

Of course she did.

'Cause I can't be funding you for an entire four days, you know that?

You know, also, we should hit that vintage guitar shop on the way to your house.

Okay.

So that's it?

Guitars and dumplings?

That's all you want?

I mean, yeah.

Guitar, dumplings, a bar.

Uh a what?

A bar.

A bar? Yes.

Why are we going to a bar?

You wanna drink?

Yeah I wanna drink.

I can't take you to a bar.

Why, 'cause of Mom?

Yeah cause of Mom, I told her I was gonna take care of you and watch out for you, not take you to a bar and have you drinking tequila shots.

Bro I really need to take a piss.

The theater's like two blocks, can't you just wait 'til we get there?

No I need to go now.

We're in the middle of the street, come on.

I'll just go in an alley.

You can't go in an alleyway bro.

You're a big boy.

Alright how 'bout here, the lights are on, let's check here.

We already closed the kitchen.

I just need to use the bathroom, is that okay?

Yeah sure.

Just put a dollar in the tip jar when you leave.

Thank you.

You know, we got a fresh brew if you wanna buy some coffee.

No I'm okay thank you.

Alright, I mean, you're already paying for the restroom, might as well pay for a cup of coffee.

Okay yeah sure, I'll take a cup of coffee.

I'll just charge you a dollar.

Okay.

Hi.


Thanks.

It's a fresh brew, right?

Made in the last 24 hours.

What's wrong?

You don't like the taste?

No, it's good.

It's just different.

You know, I don't like coffee.

I own a coffee shop, but I can't stand the taste. love the smell but I hate the taste.

That's interesting.

You ready?

Yeah.

Thank you very much.

Have a good night.

You got it.

Thank you.

Hey boss, your door's locked.

Yeah and it's gonna stay locked.

Come back over here.

What do you mean?

Why?

Don't make me repeat myself.

We're gonna do whatever you want.

Archer if they ask for your wallet, give them your wallet, okay?

I didn't catch your name, guy.

My name's Allen.

Yeah.

You're about to be passed the fuck out Allen, because that brew had a quart of ketamine in it.

I need your little brother to finish the drink.

It'll be a whole lot easier drinking a nice little cup of joe than dealing with the butt of that gun.

Just drink it.

Don't waste a drop now.

What should we do to pass the time?

Archer we're gonna be fine.

We're gonna be fine.

Allen!

That answer your question?

Come on, let's tie him up.

Where do you want him?

Put him in the storage room for now.

And him? He goes to the normal spot, right?

Yeah put the little one in the operation table.

Hey Daryl, this one is scared.

I bet your heart is going 100 times a minute.

You know, someone would pay 200 grand for that right there.

Looks like we're gonna make good on our promise after all.


What the fuck?

Oh fuck.

Oh fuck.

Oh fuck.

Fuck.

Hey!

Hey!

Hey!

Archer.

Archer!

Archer!

Archer!

Fuck.

Fuck.

Oh.


Hey, hey, hey help!

Hey!


We'll see what they wanna do with the kid.

We can start working on the motherfucker tonight.


Daryl!


Archer!

Archer!

You okay? Yeah.

Alright I'm gonna get you outta here, okay?


Are we gonna tell Mom about this?

I think there's some things Mommy doesn't need to know.


Yo my fucking legs are tired.

We not through walking yet.

Yo mad people are gonna be noticing your shirt bruh, I'd do something about that.

Yo he's right. People are either gonna think you just got done splatter painting or a motherfucker's brains got blown out onto your face.

Mad talkative now...

Pablo this isn't funny...

This isn't funny, Pablo...

I'm pulling it.

Whatchu want me to do?

You could buy a new shirt.

Buy a shirt, yeah get one by the fucking tourist station, they're gonna have some mad cheap.

Nah, I'm not fucking with no I Heart NY tee.

I wanna get a place around here.

No more rats or roaches.

I'mma get a clean place, get some exposed brick, get some artwork in that bitch, just get boujee as a motherfucker.

What's good? Hey, how are you?

Not bad.

Cool, yeah.

Good to see you.

We have a sale rack going on if you wanna check that out.

Word, okay.

But yeah, let me know.

Alright bet.

By the way, I love that shirt.

That's so sick.

Did you do that yourself or?

Nah, it was an accident.

Okay.

I spilled cranberry juice all over it.

Okay word, well I mean it works, it looks cool.

But yeah, let me know if you need anything.

I got you.

Yo it's way too fucking hot for that, bro.

Way too hot.

I don't get hot, bro.

Yo I thought you said you didn't fuck with something that has I Love NY written on it.

Bro, there's a big difference between some cheap ass shirt made for tourists by fucking eight year olds in China, and this shit, bro.

What do you think, you like it?

Hell yeah.

Alright decide quickly.

We gotta get going, man.

Come on.

Yeah, yeah, this is it.

So where are you working now again?

So I used to work in Times Square like selling tickets to comedy shows and shit.

I can't fucking stand that place now.

Yeah no, I mean my dad always said Times Square ended in the 90s when it got cleaned up and stuff, so I feel you.

I mean honestly, me and my homies are on some entrepreneurial shit right now.

To be honest, it's looking pretty fucking auspicious, feel me?

Aside from the occasional hiccup.

Alright well, yeah I wish you the best of luck.

Do you want a bag for this or?

Nah I'mma just take it just like this.

Okay word, well thanks for coming by and I'll see you soon.

Yeah bet, I'mma see you. Okay, cool.

Yo you bought it?

Yeah.

Alright well we need to split so...

Let me just try it on.


Damn this shit is fly as hell.

Too fucking cool.


Gosh damn, this burger is taking forever.