Intolerable Cruelty (2003) Script

(THE BOXER PLAYING ON RADIO)

(SINGING ALONG)♪ I am just a poor boy ♪ ♪ Though my story's seldom told ♪

♪ I have squandered my resistance. ♪

♪ For a pocketful of mumbles ♪ ♪ Such are promises. ♪

♪ All lies and jests ♪

(MIMICS ECHOING DRUM SOUND)

♪ Just a come-on from those ♪ ♪ gals on Seventh Avenue. ♪

♪ Whoo-hoo! ♪

♪ So lonesome that I took ♪ ♪ some comfort there ♪

(VOCALIZING)

(MUSIC STOPS)


(BANGING)

(FOOTSTEPS PATTERING)

Bonnie? BONNIE: Who is it?

Donovan?

Bonnie? Yes?

Donovan!

(FOOTSTEPS PATTERING)

(DOOR LOCKING)

BONNIE: In here.

Yes? Donovan, is everything all right? Yeah, the production meeting was put off, so I thought... Who's here? Here?

Hmm. Who owns that piece-of-shit van down there?

Oh!

It's just a guy going door to door selling pool cleaner.

So why'd he lock himself in the den?

Well, he... Oh, God.

You remember my friend Ollie? Ollie Olerud? Short, cretinous wanker.

(EXCLAIMS)

Ollie's in there? Yes.

I see.

Well, I'm glad he finally got himself a job.

I'd always picked him as some sort of deadbeat, but happy to be proved wrong.

So he's selling pool cleaner now? Well, this is the neighborhood for that.

Just door to door, "Running low on chlorine?" That kind of thing.

It's quite a coincidence him dropping by, and you two knowing each other so well.

Donovan, please. Let's just all talk. I mean, I think...

How you doing, Donovan? How you doing, man?

Good day, Ollie. I'm great. You?

Hey, can't complain, man. Excellent.

Well, let's get right down to it, then, shall we?

We'll take a couple of vacuum hoses.

We probably need a new filter around about now. Maybe...

Wait a minute, darling. Do we actually have a swimming pool?

Okay. Okay, man. Now let's be reasonable about this, okay?

So you caught me porking... Having relations with your old lady.

BONNIE: God.

And now, we're all feeling just a little bit embarrassed by the whole thing, so...

(EXCLAIMS) What the hey, man? I mean, I know it's a drag and all, but these things...

Hey! Hey, hey. We didn't actually have sex.

(STAMMERS) I was depressed, 'cause I'm impotent, you know.

(CRYING) Unable to achieve an erection.

I have been for over a year now, man, and I needed someone to talk to.

I mean, think about it, man. A year without an erection?

BONNIE: Leave him alone!

(GROANS)

You should have seen this coming, you Australian piece of shit!

Bitch. That's my Daytime Television Lifetime Achievement Award.

Cheesy bastard!

(SCREAMING)

You whore!

(GROANS) Christ!

Okay!

All right, you want fun and games? All right.

I'll give you fun and games. Explain this away.

(FIRES GUN)

BONNIE: (SCREAMS) Ollie!

DONOVAN: That's my Jag! That's my Jag!

That's my bloody Jag!

You bitch! Bitch! Bitch!

Bye-bye, baby!

Oh, what are you looking at?

(LAUGHS)

Explain this away, darling.

(LAUGHING)


WOMAN: (ON PHONE) Miles Massey's office. Hey, it's me. Any messages?

Yeah. Quite a few. Where are you? Just whitening.

Jim says he wants a meeting today if possible.

What else? Chapman says his wife is now in Tahoe.

All right, tell Amstedler I'll return in 20 minutes.

Get Wrigley to look up Oliphant V. Oliphant, Commonwealth of Virginia, for its relevance in the Chapman filing.

Oliphant v. Oliphant. Relevance in Chapman.

She said she took the kids to Tahoe?

That's right. Wait. Which side of Tahoe?

She said it was a cruise.

Yeah, well, if the cruise goes all the way around the lake, she's left the state, and she's in breach.

Tell Wrigley to prepare a filing to attach. Mmm-hmm.

Everything. Primary residence, beach house, ski cabin, auto, stocks, bonds, dental floss.

Gonna lose you.

Uh-huh.

MILES: (ON PHONE) And tell Fred Armatrading that we have pictures of his wife with the oral surgeon.

Oh, and get a fruit and pastry basket in the conference room for my 9:30.

Didn't have time for breakfast this morning.

Where are you? Coming at you.

Your 9:00 is here. Bonnie Donaly. Bonnie Donaly.

Mrs. Donaly.

Mmm-hmm.

Yes, your husband did show remarkable foresight in taking those pictures.

And, yes, absent a swimming pool, the presence of a pool man would appear to be suspicious.

But, madam, who is the real victim here? Let me suggest to you the following.

Your husband, who on a prior occasion had slapped you, beat you.

I think that word is not inappropriate. No, I...

Let me finish, please. I'm not concerned with who slapped whom first.

Your husband, who had beaten you repeatedly...

No, he never...

Please. Repeatedly, was at the time, brandishing your firearm.

It was his gun. And we'll get it back for you.

Trying, in his rage, to shoot an acquaintance, a friend of long standing.

They never really cared for each other.

And if not for your cool-headed intervention, his tantrum might have ended this schmo's life and ruined his own.

As for the sexual indiscretion which he imagined took place, wasn't it, in fact, he who was sleeping with the pool man?

No? Am I going too far here? Were his sexual... No.

I don't... Sorry. I'm not omniscient.

The point is that he acted upon an assumption which he cannot prove, and, I take it, you deny.

Well... Fine. I'll take the case.

It's imperative that I meet with Oliver Olerud before we proceed any further, so that I can massage the kinks out of our testimony.

Do you really think we could put all this across?

The truth is so self-evident to me, Mrs. Donaly, that I'm sure that I'll be able to make it equally as transparent to any jury, should your husband decide to take it that far.

We'll need to caucus again to draw up a picture of your husband's net worth.

A map of enemy territory, so to speak. You said that he's a television producer?

He has a soap opera, The Sands of Time. It's a silly show.

Well, it'll be yours soon. Thank you very much.

Oh, thank you, Mr. Massey. Yes. Bye-bye.

Still you have to admire him for taking those pictures.

LAWYER: Now, Mrs. Gutman, you testified that you were your husband's sexual slave for 36 years during your marriage.

Except for two years when he was in the Navy in Southeast Asia.

And before your marriage, what was your profession?

MRS. GUTMAN: I was a hostess for BraniffAirlines.

And what is your husband's profession?

He manufactures staples and industrial brad tacks. He's very successful.

How would you describe your husband's sexual proclivities?

Well, at first, he was a very gentle and tender lover.

But then he became more and more fixated on toys and machinery and devices of various kinds.

I can't help it. You don't decide to become bored. It just happens.

You're just looking for trouble. It's a midlife crisis.

Look, get yourself a new car.

I have a new car. I have two new cars. I have a tab at the Mercedes dealership.

Torn the house down twice. Rebuilt the cabin in Vail.

Got three of those yard people.

Gardeners. Gardeners. Got a man who waxes my jet.

These encounters were videotaped. Sometimes there would be a gismo.

LAWYER: A gismo? He had a device he called The Intruder.

It was something he had the engineers at the factory design.

And then he had a prototype built out of the parts from our vacuum cleaner.

I see.

So the vacuum cleaner wasn't available to me for several months.

Several months without the appliance? Yes.

Problem is everyone is willing to compromise.

That's the problem with the institution of marriage. It's based on compromise.

Even through its dissolution. Mrs. Gutman here, she's gonna score some points concerning her husband's sexual politics.

Naturally, we'll try to impeach.

And then the entire process will find an equilibrium point based on the skill of the individual lawyers.

And then both parties will go home with their portion of the staple factory.

That's life. Life is compromise. That's not life. That's death.

Struggle and challenge and ultimate destruction of your opponent, that's life.

Let me ask you something. Attila the Hun. Ivan the Terrible. Henry the Eighth.

What do they have in common?

Middle name? No, they didn't just win.

They destroyed. JUDGE: Mr. Massey? Mr. Massey?

Again I ask, have you any questions for the complainant?

I'm sorry, Your Honor. I was just consulting with an associate.

Now, Mrs. Gutman, do you know a man named David Gonzalez?

Well, he's the tennis pro at the club.

The tennis pro?

Then why are your letters addressed to him, "Dear, David and Goliath"?

(CAR TIRES SCREECHING)

(WOMAN WHOOPING)

(WOMAN LAUGHING)

WOMAN: Go, Rexie! Go, Rexie, baby!

Whoo-hoo!

REX: (LAUGHS) Cabin seven.

Choo-choo.

(IMITATES TRAIN WHISTLE)


Choo-choo.

(EXCLAIMS)

Choo-choo.

(IMITATES TRAIN WHISTLE)

(WOMAN GIGGLING)

(SCREAMS)

GUS: I'm gonna nail your ass.

Oh, yeah. I'm gonna nail your ass.

(REX SCREAMING)

Boy, I'm gonna nail your ass. Your ass. The old billionaire.

Come to papa. Come on.

I'm gonna get it. I got it.

(BOTH CLAMORING)

GUS: I'm gonna nail your ass.

I'm gonna nail your ass. Yeah.

REX: This is a silly misunderstanding. I'm gonna nail your ass.

Get that thing off me now!

Yeah, I'm gonna nail your ass. I'm gonna nail your ass. I'm gonna nail your ass!

Yep. I nailed his ass.

I thought he'd outgrown trains.

They never grow up, lady. They just get tubby.

How charming. An aphorist.

Oh, yeah, I've always had ample proportions but believe you me, it's all muscle.

I'm as hard as a rock.

I'm not one of these cream-puff, sit-behind-a-desk private dicks.

I'm an ass nailer. So I see.

Gym four times a week. Hour and a half, plus stretching.

Lifecycle. Lifestep. Lifecircuit. Gus Petch don't pussyfoot around.

I must say, for someone in your line of work, you don't exhibit a great deal of tact.

You want tact, call a tactician. You want an ass nailed, you call Gus Petch.

Christ, you seem to be taking it pretty good.

I've seen them come in here weep and wail like Baptists at a funeral.

Like they hired me to prove their husbands weren't fooling around.

Don't get me wrong, Mr... Petch. Gus Petch.

Whilst I don't find this terribly amusing, I am delighted that you found this material.

This is going to be my passport to wealth, independence and freedom.

(CHUCKLES)

Sounds like to me you gonna nail his ass.

Honey? Honey?

MARYLIN: (ON INTERCOM) Rex, get away from the door.

Honey? (LAUGHS) My key doesn't work. Can we talk about this?

Rex, get away from the door.

Oh, look, I know that you're upset, honey.

Rex, for your own safety, get away from the door.

I don't like having to set the dogs on you. For crying out loud. If we could... Dogs?

(DOGS BARKING)

(GASPS)

MARYLIN: Yes, dogs. I wanted some security since I'll be living here alone.

Look, Marylin, can't we have a civilized discussion about this?

Our lawyers can.

(SCREAMS)

You've a discovery hearing at 5:30 for the Maxine Gopnik case.

Discovery. Gopnik. And a Lance Kelso called.

He read your article about palimony settlements in same-sex partnerships.

Lance Kelso.

And would like to schedule an appointment. Same-sex.

Arthur Yardumian and his tax attorney want to reschedule their caucus for tomorrow.

Yardumian.

Arthur had to fly to Atlanta for a deadbeat dad hearing.

Atlanta. And your 10:30 is here. Rex Rexroth.

Rex Rexroth? Real estate. He's okay.

Mr. Rexroth. Call me Rex, please.

Miles Massey. Please, sit. Relax.

Consider this office your office, your haven, your war room for the duration of the campaign.

Thank you. Now, sir, tell me your troubles.

Well, my wife has me between a rock and a hard place.

That's her job. You should respect that.

When I first met Marylin, we were crazy about each other.

Not emotionally, of course. Just we couldn't keep our hands off each other.

But then... (SIGHS) Then...

Time marches on. Ardor cools. Yeah.

So we had an understanding.

Whereby? We could see other people.

Has Mrs. Rexroth pursued the opportunities implicit in your arrangement?

I can only assume.

Not in court you can't. Has she retained counsel?

I don't know. She has Rottweilers.

Not a good sign. And have you, yourself, exploited your understood freedom?

There's a lady, a young lady. She lets me be myself.

Of course. And your wife is aware and/or has evidence?

Video. Ha!

To cut to the chase, forensically speaking, is there a prenup?

"The fault, dear Brutus, lies not in our stars, but in ourselves."

Let me ask you this, what kind of a settlement do you seek?

What are, for you, the parameters of the possible?

Well, that's the problem. I can't afford to give her anything.

Nothing?

Well, yeah, I know that sounds a little rough, but, listen, I'm about to close a deal to develop some mini-malls.

I am mortgaged up to my heinie.

If this deal goes south, I am ruined. I will lose millions.

So you propose that, in spite of demonstrable infidelity on your part, your unoffending wife should be tossed out on her ear.

Well, is that possible?

It's a challenge.

Why don't you come out to Malibu and see my new beach house tomorrow?

I didn't know Dimitri had a beach house. Neither did I until my lawyer found it.

Quite a paper trail. Had it in the dog's name.

WOMAN 1: Well, tomorrow won't work. I'm having a body wrap. How's Wednesday?

Hair appointment in the morning. Afternoon?

Shrink. How's your Thursday?

I'm having facial injections. That kills Friday and Saturday.

BOTOX? Butt fat.

Does that really work? You tell me.

Hello, darlings.

(ALL BLOWING KISSES)

So, you and Rex are...

Well, as my private investigator put it, "We're gonna nail his ass."

I've been trying to nail George's ass for years, but he is so careful.

(CHOKING)

(COUGHS)

Are you all right, Claire? Down the wrong pipe. (LAUGHS)

So who's your lawyer? Freddy Bender.

I have an appointment this afternoon with Rex and his schnauzer.

WOMAN 1: So who's Rex's guy? Miles Massey.

Miles Massey? Of Massey Myerson?

MARYLIN: Do you know him? By reputation, and, Marylin, he's no schnauzer.

He got Phyllis Rumsey that cute little island of George's.

George was so impressed, he hired him when he divorced his second.

Muriel Rumsey. Who's she?

Now? Night manager at McDonald's.

But, Marylin, do we have a man for you.

Thorstenson Gieselensen.

He just separated from his third. He's in fish.

He is fish. Well, he's tuna.

Ladies, I'm not seeing anyone until I've finished nailing Rex's ass.

But, Marylin, this man is tuna.

Sarah, one husband at a time.

I'll do the talking. I know you'll be tempted to chime in, but remember that you're in an emotionally vulnerable state.

I'm the professional. Oh. Okay.

MILES: Freddy.

Freddy Bender, this is Rex Rexroth. And you are the lovely Marylin.

Please, Ms. Rexroth. And you must be Mr. Massey.

Please, Miles. Sit. Sit down.

Freddy, I was sorry to hear about the Goldberger award. Pastry?

(STIFLED SNIGGERING)

We did very well. We did very well.

Not to worry, Mrs. Rexroth, you're ably represented.

I'm sure Freddy's just too modest to tell you he used to clerk for Clarence Thomas.

Pastry? Going begging.

(STAMMERS) Don't try to bait me, Miles. Now if you have a proposal to make, let's hear it.

Well, at this point, my client is still prepared to consider reconciliation.

My client has ruled that out.

My client is prepared to entertain an amicable dissolution of the marriage without prejudice. That's a fart in a stiff wind.

My client proposes a 30-day cooling-off period.

My client feels sufficiently dispassionate.

My client asks that you not initiate proceedings pending his setting certain affairs in order.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

(LAUGHS MOCKINGLY)

What's so goddamn funny? Please, let me handle this.

All right. So much for the icebreakers. What are you after, Freddy?

My client is prepared to settle for 50% of the marital assets.

Why only 50, Freddy? Why not 100?

While we're dreaming, why not 150%? Are you familiar with Kershner?

Kershner does not apply.

Bring this to trial, we'll see if Kershner applies.

What's Kershner? Please, let me handle this.

Kershner was in Kentucky. Kershner was in Kentucky?

Kershner was in Kentucky! All right, Freddy.

Forget Kershner. What's your bottom line? Primary residence, 30% of remaining assets.

What are you, nuts? Have you forgotten Kershner?

Freddy. It's a negotiation. FREDDY: See you at the preliminary.

Freddy, we're all friends here. It's a negotiation. Hey!

Freddy! Fine. We'll eat the pastry.

(DOOR SLAMS)

I thought that went well.

(MUSIC PLAYING IN BACKGROUND)

MAN 1: (CHUCKLING) Oh, yeah.

MAN 2: Gus, you outdid yourself.

(MEN CHUCKLING)

Let's go back to the football game. Kiss my ass.

It's halftime, man. This is some good shit. I'm about to nail his ass, right here.

Oh, Gussy, go back to the Rabinowitz tape again.

Hold on. Now here come the good part.

Look at this. (PHONE RINGING)

She about to take off her panties. Yeah. Come on, come on, come on.

(LAUGHING)

WOMAN: Gus? Mmm-mmm. Yeah?

It's Miles Massey. Take a number.

WOMAN: It's about a job tonight. God damn it!

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

Shit, did you see that?

(SOFT PIANO MUSIC PLAYING)

MAITRE D: Here we are.

Ms. Rexroth. I am so delighted you decided to come.

I must admit, I was curious. Something to start. Some wine, perhaps?

Red? French.

Bordeaux? Chateau Margaux.

'57? '59.

'54. Mr. Massey.

MAITRE D: Good, sir.

Your husband had told me you were the most beautiful woman that he'd ever met.

I didn't expect the most beautiful woman I'd ever met.

"Dismiss your vows, your feigned tears, your flattery."

"For where a heart is hard, they make no battery."

"Who ever loved that loved not at first sight?"

Now you didn't ask me here to pick me up. You could be disbarred for that.

Maybe I'm reckless.

What was your performance about this afternoon?

What did your lawyer say?

Oh, Freddy thinks you're a buffoon. He says you've been too successful.

You're bored, complacent, and you're on your way down.

But you don't think so. How do you know?

Why would you be here? Why did you ask me?

Can't I be curious? About what?

Do you ever answer questions? Do you?

I'll have the tournedos of beef. The lady will have the same. Thank you.

Thank you, sir.

I assume you're a carnivore.

(CHUCKLES) Oh, Mr. Massey, you have no idea.

Miles, please.

Tell me more about yourself.

All right, Miles. Let me tell you everything that you need to know.

You may think you're tough, but I eat men like you for breakfast.

I've invested five good years in my marriage to Rex, and I've nailed his ass fair and square.

Now I'm going to have it stuffed, mounted, and have my lady friends come over and throw darts at it.

Man hater, huh?

People don't go on safaris 'cause they hate animals.

So it's just for the hunt with the trophy at the end?

No. Nothing so frivolous.

This divorce means money. Money means independence.

That's what I'm after.

What are you after, Miles?

I'm a lot like you. Just looking for an ass to mount.

(WHISPERS) Well, don't look at mine.

(GUS GRUNTS)

Yeah. Two, three.

(GRUNTING)

(EXHALES)

(DOGS BARKING)

(LAUGHS)

I got you. See this?

Yeah?

I'll just have a salad, please. Baby field greens.

What did you call me?

No, I didn't call you anything.

You want a salad. Do you have a green salad?

What the fuck color would it be? Why are we eating here?

MARGE: What's his problem?

Just bring him an iceberg lettuce and a mealy tomato wedge smothered with French dressing.

And for you?

Ham sandwich on stale rye bread. Lots of mayo, easy on the ham.

Slaw cup? What the hell.

Hello, Marge.

How are you, Gus? I'm all right.

Okay. Now, I minoxed her address book.

Don't call me anymore for this penny-ante shit.

I shoot action. Me and the lkegami, Jack. Thank you, Gus.

And those Rottweilers were a menace, man. I told you she had dogs.

Yeah. But you didn't tell me they had a hard-on for anus africanus.

Gus. Did you see any evidence?

Any "telltale signs" of indiscretion on the part of Ms. Rexroth?

What are you talking about "telltale signs"? Look, I see an ass, I nail it.

I don't sneak around sniffing the sheets. God damn it, I'm Gus Petch!

Couldn't you be disbarred for that? Oh, I don't think so.

Maybe if I'd had the patty melt. You had a guy break into her house and photograph her address book. No, Wrigley.

I happened to let a man know that I was interested in her address book.

That's not criminal.

I also happened to let him know that I was taking her out to dinner.

That's not a crime either. No, I don't see myself as culpable in any sense.

You, on the other hand, could be disbarred for developing and examining these photos of her address book.

But that doesn't really concern me.

Right. Who are you looking for? Tenzing Norgay.

Tenzing Norgay. That's someone she slept with.

I doubt it. Tenzing Norgay was the Sherpa that helped Edmund Hillary climb Mount Everest.

And Marylin knows him.

No, you idiot. Not the Tenzing Norgay. Her Tenzing Norgay.

I'm not sure that I actually follow that.

Few great accomplishments are achieved single-handedly, Wrigley.

Most have their Norgays.

Marylin Rexroth is even now climbing her Everest.

I wanna find her Norgay.

But how do you determine which of the people on here are...

How do you spot a Norgay? Yeah.

You start with the people with the funny names.

Oh, yea, oh yea!

Family Court of the Fifth District of Los Angeles County now in session.

The Honorable Marva Munson presiding. All rise.

Have you sat before her before? No. No, the judge sits first. Then we sit.

Well, have you sat after her before? "Sat after her before?"

You mean, "Have we argued before her before?"

The judge sits in judgment. The counsel argues before the judge.

So have you argued before her before?

WRIGLEY: Before her before, or before she sat before?

REX: Before her before.

I said, "Before her before." No, you said, "Before she sat before."

I did at first, but... Look, don't argue.

I'm not. No, you don't argue. We argue.

Counsel argues. You appear.

MILES: The judge sits. WRIGLEY: Then you sit.

MILES: Or you stand in contempt. And then we argue.

The counsel argues. Which you've done before.

Which we've done before. Ah.

But not before her.

Rex. Sit.

GUS: (ON TV) There it is! I got it!

(WOMAN SCREAMING ON TV)

GUS: I'm gonna nail your ass. I'm gonna nail your ass.

I'm gonna nail your ass. Yeah!

I'm gonna nail your ass. REX: It's a silly misunderstanding.

Get that thing off me now!

GUS: Yeah, I'm gonna nail your ass. (CRYING)

I'm gonna nail your ass. I'm gonna nail your ass.

Devastated. Simply devastated.

Thank you, Mrs. Rexroth.

MUNSON: Mr. Massey, any questions?

(SNIFFLES)

"Dismiss your vows, your feigned tears, your flattery."

"For where a heart is hard, they make no battery."

Mrs. Rexroth, do you know those lines? Objection, Your Honor.

Grounds? Poetry recitation.

Let me rephrase. Mrs. Rexroth, how high is that wall around your heart?

Your Honor, this is harassment, and frankly, it's still a little arty-farty.

Rephrase. Mrs. Rexroth, have you ever been in love?

Yes. Of course.

With Rex.

And you've always loved him?

"Who ever loved that loved not at first sight?"

(SOBBING)

So it's your sworn testimony that you have loved Rex Rexroth since first you met?

Yes.

Thank you.

No further questions, Your Honor.

MUNSON: Who's next, Mr. Bender? FREDDY: We rest, Your Honor.

Mr. Massey.

Your Honor, I call Heinz, the Baron Krauss von Espy.

Heinz, the Baron Krauss von Espy.

MAN 1: Heinz, the Baron Krauss von Espy! Problem?

Puffy.

MAN 2: Heinz, the Baron Krauss von Espy! Tenzing Norgay.


Mr. Krauss, do you solemnly swear that... Krauss von Espy.

Mr. Krauss von Espy, do you solemnly... Baron Krauss von Espy.

Solemnly swear that the testimony you are about to give shall be the truth, the whole truth nothing but the truth, so help you God?

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

No maybes.

(REPEATING IN FRENCH)

But of course, yes.

The Baron does not lie. MUNSON: Have a seat, sir.

Did you sleep with him? Don't be a fool.

(DOG YELPING)

Shh. Elsbieta.

(SHUSHING)

Baron von Espy, what is your profession?

(LAUGHS) Silly man. I am a baron.

Yes, but do you not also hold a day job, paying job, a square job?

Well, one has to live.

I am the concierge of Les Pantalons Rouges at Bad-Gadesbourg in the canton of Uri.

And what does that job entail?

I satisfy such requests as the clientele may present.

MILES: Towels, ice, et cetera?

We have bellmen for that. No, no, no.

Such requests that, were you at home, you would address not to your valet, but to your majordomo. (DOG GROWLING)

(SHUSHING)

I see. Baron, do you recognize that woman?

Chere Marylin. But of course.

Look who is here. Hi!

(LAUGHS)

And she was a guest of the Red Trousers?

Oh, many times for relaxing and making Alpine recreation.

Mmm-hmm.

I am curious about her visit of five years ago. January, 1998.

Can you remember any specific request she made at that time?

Yes, I can.

And what, at that time, did she tell you she required?

She said that she required a husband!

(DOG BARKING)

Do you want some bones, huh? Does Elsbieta want some bones?

Has anyone any bones?

Does anyone have any bones? Bones? Dog candies?

No, they are not candies. Milk-Bones. Hard, crunchy bones for the teeth.

Hard...

(MUNSON CLEARS THROAT)

We'll attend to the dog later.

Now, Baron... Where were we?

"She said that she required a husband."

"Do you want some bones? Does Elsbieta want some bones?"

"Has anyone any bones? Hard, crunchy bones for the..."

Right.

Now, a husband. That's an unusual request.

Did she specify what kind of a husband she was looking for?

MARYLIN: (WHISPERS) Stop him. Objection.

Grounds? Hearsay.

It's not secondhand, Your Honor.

This is direct testimony about the Baron's own conversation.

I'm going to allow it.

She said she wanted a very rich husband.

She wanted to know the businesses and the wealths-es... The wealths-es.

Can I say this? Wealths-es of our various eligible guests.

And did she have any other specifications?

Objection, Your Honor. Inflammatory. What's good for the gander, Your Honor.

Is this a legal argument. "What's good for the gander"?

You got to play your tape, Freddy.

Mr. Massey has a point there. I'm going to allow it.

Were there any other specifications?

She specificated a silly man.

FREDDY: Objection, Your Honor! MUNSON: I'm going to allow it.

She specificated a man who, though clever at making money, would be easily duped and controlled.

Objection, Your Honor. Shut up, Freddy. She's allowing it.

She specificated a man with a wandering pee-pee.

How you say? A philanderer whose affairs would be transparent to the world.

Objection, Your Honor!

Finally, a man whom she could herself brazenly cuckold until such time as she might choose to...

We would say, "Faire un coup de marteau sur des fesses."

You would say, "Make hammer on his fanny."

Your Honor, objection! Irrelevant! I'm going to allow it!

Tell us, Baron, did you introduce her to such a man?

Sir, I am the concierge!

And to whom did you introduce that calculating woman?

I introduced her to that silly man.

(ALL GASPING)

FREDDY: Your Honor, objection!

Let the record show that the Baron has identified Rex Rexroth as the silly man!

I did it! It was I! I introduced her to that silly man!

You son of a bitch!

The red-faced angry one. (LAUGHS) I introduced them!

Absolutely! I did it! It was I!

I just love trains! I love trains! If you please, sir!

(BOTH GRUNTING)

I'm not sick! You're the one who's sick!

BARON: If you please, sir, not the larynx!

Objection, Your Honor! Strangling the witness!

I'm going to allow it.

(GRUNTING)

Well, I think it stinks. They left you with nothing.

Makes you wonder about the entire legal system, like Rodney what's-his-name.

They bought Massey's argument.

If I lied and cheated and was with Rex only for his money, then he shouldn't have to give me any.

SARAH: Well, that makes no sense. Why else would you put in all those years?

(SARAH GROANS)

MARYLIN: Are you all right, Sarah? SARAH: (BREATHING HEAVILY) Yeah.

MARYLIN: What is it? SARAH: Peptic ulcer.

I have medication, but I can't take it before elective surgery.

(SIGHS)

You shouldn't be living here alone, Sarah. My goddamn husbands gave me the ulcer.

But a bottle of Bromo can't love you back.

Yeah. It's a catch-22.

I have to admit, I don't like living alone. I mean, do I need 46 rooms?

You could see people. It's risky. Palimony.

Son of a bitch Marvin Mitchelson.

I'm telling you, honey, getting laid is financial Russian roulette.

Maybe I should just tear it all down, build a cottage.

More landscaping.

Well, with my money, I can't afford to be fooling around.

And besides, I have you. It'll be fun, just the girls.

Well, thanks, Sarah, but I can't sleep on your couch forever.

I'm going to marry again, nail the guy's ass good.

And this time, there'll be no Puffy von Espy.

MARYLIN: Knock, knock. Excuse me. Mr. Donaly?

Mr. Donaly? (SNORTS)

Mr. Donaly, excuse me.

You are Donovan Donaly? I'm in a meeting.

Mr. Donaly. I need a name.

(CLICKS TONGUE)

And of course, we will have to litigate. Sentence, paragraph.

Naturally, the first concern for both parties is the welfare of little Wendell Junior.

Nevertheless, we do question whether the continuing expenses for his special ed classes are truly justified, given the great strides...

(INTERCOM BEEPS)

WOMAN: (ON INTERCOM) Mr. Massey, the senior partner would like to see you.

Herb wants to see me? If you have a moment.


Oh!

HERB: Fourteen summary judgments sought.

Thirteen granted.

(WHEEZES)

Eighteen movements to void for respondent's prejudice.

Eighteen granted.

Twelve court days on the Rexroth case alone.

(WHEEZING)

Three hundred and twenty billable hours paralegal services.

(WHEEZES)

Six hundred and eighty billable at full attorney rate.

(WHEEZES)

Eighty-five lunches charged.

(LAUGHS)

(GASPS)

(GASPS) Counselor, you are the engine that drives this firm.

(INTERCOM BEEPS)

WOMAN: (ON INTERCOM) Mr. Massey?

Please, no calls. I'm feeling a little fragile.

I'm sorry, Mr. Massey, but I felt certain you'd want to know.

Marylin Rexroth wants to see you.

Marylin. (STAMMERS) When did she...

She's here now.

Is she armed? (LAUGHS) Give me a minute.

(GARGLING)

Marylin. How nice of you to...

Marylin, shame on you. (CHUCKLES)

Marylin, what a lovely surprise.

Marylin, what a...

Who the hell are you? Hello, Miles. So nice of you to see us.

May I introduce Howard D. Doyle of Doyle Oil.

I'm goddamn pleased to meet you.

Marylin here, she says you're the best. Says you're aces.

Well, thank you, Mr...

Any relation to John D. Doyle of Doyle Oil?

Oh, you must be talking about Grandpa John. My papa's John D., too.

The Deuce, we called him. You know, kind of the rebel of the family.

But they knocked off that whole John D. Routine when they christened little old yours truly here.

Grandpa nearly had a stroke.

He did have a stroke, but that was later, during the labor activity in '52.

The government stepped in. They called it mediation.

He called it incipient communism, you know, and of course, that's when he had his stroke.

Golly, the whole left side of his body is as useless as tits on a boar hog.

He lingered in a vegetative state for years. Well, that is fascinating, Mr. Doyle.

What say we have a seat? A seat?

Here Marylin's had me runnin' up and down Rodeo Drive all day long.

Kind of hit-and-run shoppin', you know. Take no prisoners.

Forced march kind of thing. My God, my dogs are barkin'.

We started out at this little old place right off of Wilshire... It's been quite a day.

Had pewter things. But anyway, Miles, I know you're busy, and you charge by the hour, so I'll get straight to the point.

Howard D. And I are planning to marry.

Well...

Well, I suppose that congratulations are in order.

HOWARD: Well, thank you, Miles. You know, the urge to wedlock and form a lasting monogamous bond sanctified by ritual, it's pert-near universal.

As a matter of fact, it might be of some interest to you, being in a related business.

Even your indigenous Americans, I believe it was your Cree, used to...

Howard and I are here because I've learned through bitter experience that when it comes to matrimony and law, you are the very best.

And as you are well aware, my previous marriage ended in an unjustified stain upon my reputation.

My motives were impugned. I was slandered in court.

I was painted a harlot.

Oh, honey, you ain't no harlot. Oh, yes, honey.

So it's my desire to remove any trace of suspicion from the mind of my dear Howard Doyle.

Oh, honey, come on, now.

I wish to execute a prenuptial agreement.

And I'm dead-set against it. I mean, just anti the whole deal.

Howard's lawyers prefer it. I insist upon it.

Oh, damn lawyers. No offense to the present company or anything, you know.

Now, is it my understanding that the Massey prenup has never been penetrated?

That is correct.

Not to blow my own horn, but they devote an entire semester to it at Harvard Law.

They got a hell of a school up there. Ain't no doubt about it.

We donated that Doyle building up there here a while back.

MILES: Mmm-hmm.

Now, I myself went to Texas A&M. I'm an Aggie.

Business? Tight end.

And I had a fair amount of success against the split-T defense.

You see, when they line up symmetrical thataway, it allows me to buttonhook and, you know, do a down-and-in, and up-and-out and different things, post pattern every now and then. Your tight ends don't generally run a post.

But if the QB calls it, hell, I'm ready.

MILES: Interrupt for a second? Yeah.

I wanna make sure that you both understand what it is you're asking.

The Massey prenup provides that in the event of a dissolution of the marriage, for any reason, both parties will leave it with what they brought in and earned during.

No one can profit from the marriage.

The prenup protects the wealthier party.

Without it, that party is exposed, a sitting duck.

Not a hell of a lot of romance in that. No, sir, there is not. No romance.

More to the point, no wriggle room.

So are we sure that this is what we want?

Absolutely.

It's my gift to Howard for his peace of mind.

Whether or not he's worried about it at this moment.

Oh, honey pie, do I look worried?

Excuse me, Mr. Doyle.

Could I just borrow your charming fiancée for a moment?

Well, okay. You gonna leave a deposit?

(ALL LAUGHING)

What are you up to?

Something you won't understand, Miles. Howard and I are very much in love.

I don't know what you're thinking, but I have to warn you, the Massey prenup has never been penetrated.

You sign the prenup, you can't get his money.

Thanks for the professional help.

Marylin, think of me for a moment, not as an attorney but as a friend.

Does that mean you won't be charging us for the hour?

Dump him. You can't nail his ass.

Is that all?

No, that's not all.

I could have you disbarred for that.

It was worth it.

A romantic divorce attorney.

You fascinate me.

MILES: I'll get right on it. I'll whip something up.

All right. Thank you.

How's Lionel? MILES: He's fine.

He asked me to deliver the keynote address at this year's convention in Vegas.

That's quite an honor. MILES: I suppose.

On top of a great victory. What was that?

"What was that"? Rex Rexroth?

He kept everything? You win? No compromise? Isn't that what you wanted?

(SIGHS)

Oh, good God, Miles. What are you looking for?

I don't know.

Okay, I won.

What then?

How many cases has Herb Myerson won?

The old man? More than anybody. He's a legend.

And look at him. He's 87 years old.

He's the first one into the office in the morning. No home life.

Who needs a home when you have a colostomy bag?

She can't really love this dope, can she?

Who? Who loves who? Marylin Rexroth.

She signed a prenup for an oil millionaire.

A Massey prenup?

Yeah. Well, then she is not after his money.

Only love is in mind if the Massey is signed.

(APRIL COME SHE WILL PLAYING)

(SINGING) ♪ April, come she will. ♪

♪ When streams are ripe ♪ ♪ and swelled with rain. ♪

♪ May, she will stay. ♪

♪ Resting in my arms again ♪

(CRYING)

What the hell's wrong with you?

♪ April, come she will. ♪

Thank you for coming to this celebration of the love between our two friends, Marylin and Howard.

In today's cynical world, it's so hard to take that great leap of faith aboard the ship of love and caring.

But today Marylin and Howard are taking that leap and telling us, their friends, that they do believe, that they do have faith, that they do love.

Do you, Howard Drexler Doyle, take Marylin to be your shipmate on this journey through life, through gale and doldrum, seas choppy, wild, and calm?

HOWARD: Yes, I do, Father Scott. (WRIGLEY CRYING)

And do you, Marylin Rexroth, take Howard to be your shipmate and companion to ports of every clime, be it in first class or steerage?

MARYLIN: I do.

SCOTT: Then, by the power vested in me by the State of California, and as captain of the good ship Amore Veritas, I now pronounce you man and wife.

(SOBBING)

What do you think?

MILES: What are they, ladles? Berry spoons.

Spoons? Berry spoons.

Everybody has spoons. And nobody needs berry spoons.

Everybody eats berries. Who are you, Pollyanna?

HOWARD: Hey, everybody! Folks! Hey, y'all! MILES: Where'd you see them at?

A Martha Stewart catalog right next to the silver napkin rings?

HOWARD: I need your attention for a minute. Stadium-seat ass-warmers?

Dear God, Wrigley, how many cockamamie personal possessions do we have to amass?

Miles, why so angry?

Now, I know it's not common practice for the groom to give his bride a gift on their wedding day.

But ever since I met Marylin there, I can't seem to quit givin' her things.

(PEOPLE LAUGHING)

And I don't wanna stop 'cause it feels so darn good!

(PEOPLE APPLAUDING)

Chow Sing, bring that barbecue sauce over here, little buddy.

There you go.

Put that thing on my neck now.

Now, honey, it's like the padre said. I want love and trust between us.

Love, and trust, and not a thing else.

And this here deed that I'm fixin' to perform.

Well, honey, let me just...

You see this?

(ALL LAUGHING)

This is for you, darling. This here is for you.

(CROWD APPLAUDING)

This here is for you, baby. Every last little speck of it.

I love you. I mean, I love you like a son of a bitch!

I trust you!

This here is for you, baby. Brilliant!

Baby, this is for you.

What is it? HOWARD: I really love you.

It's the prenup.

I love her! I trust her!

Ladies and gentlemen... It's the prenup!

HOWARD: I trust her! (LAUGHS) Brilliant!

You look so beautiful.

Ladies, if you'll excuse us. We have to talk.

I would like to offer my congratulations. It was a beautiful gesture of Howard's.

Well, Howard is a beautiful person. A diamond in the rough.

And I have a feeling that someday soon, you'll be taking that diamond and leaving the rough.

In a month or so, once I've established that I've tried to make the marriage work.

May I offer my services? Oh, thanks.

But, no. No, I'm retaining Freddy Bender.

Poor Freddy. He was awfully blue after my last divorce.

Well, I admire your loyalty.

To lawyers, anyway.

I guess without the prenup, it's something that even Freddy could manage.

But how did you get Howard to do it? It felt like it was his idea.

Surely, Mr. Massey, you've addressed enough juries to appreciate the power of suggestion.

Mmm.

(MAN SINGING IN DISTANCE)

Look, now that the marriage is winding down, have dinner with me.

No. No, nothing doing until the ink is dry on the settlement.

Oh, this'll be no settlement. If I know Marylin Rexroth, this'll be nothing short of a complete and total annihilation.

You're gonna win. Excuse me?

I can always tell, going to Vegas, who's gonna win.

Well, thanks, but I'm going on business.

I always win.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

You know why I hate this town, Wrigley? You see, people get to Las Vegas, and all of a sudden, the rules of the moral universe don't apply.

When God is dead, all things are possible.

I saw an ad in the paper, "No-fault divorce. Two-week divorce without a lawyer."

Made me sick to my stomach. "No-fault divorce."

Good God. Talk about your oxymoron.

What's the world coming to? One man can only do so much.

One man... What are you talking about?

Freddy.

WRIGLEY: Mmm. I had lunch with Freddy Bender yesterday.

He tells me that Marylin Rexroth-Doyle is now richer than Croesus.

Ah, yes, but is she richer than Mrs. Croesus?

She could buy and sell you 10 times over.

My God, is that her?

Mmm.

Freddy said she was flying in with him. Celebrating, I guess.

I'm fascinated by that creature. Richer than me, huh?

Well, she deserves every penny. And now she's single again.

Excuse me.

No, you should stay away from her, Miles.

Recite your keynote address. Take a cold shower.

You're looking well, Marylin. Hello, Miles.

Obscene wealth becomes you.

I should've known you'd be here. Be here?

I'm the keynote speaker. How nice for you.

"Nailing Your Spouse's Assets." Excuse me?

My speech.

Oh!

Oh, I'm sure you'll bring the house down. It's an easy crowd.

At this point, I would think you're probably the only person that I can't teach anything to. Really?

Mmm.

Now, correct me, but since by now the ink must be dry, I believe I have the right to collect. On?

You promised to have dinner with me once you were free.

I said I wouldn't whilst I wasn't, which implies no promise once I am.

Noted. Let me rephrase.

I would be delighted, honored really, if you'd... (GASPS)

Howard! Howard!

Howard!

(LAUGHING)

You named him after your ex. I'm sentimental.

Well, I'm free this evening, so I suppose a little dinner would do no harm.

Le Veuve Clicquot Ponsardin 1990, sir.

Yes. Thank you. I'll take care of it.

Marylin, this is a moment to savor.

Yes, we were adversaries, but we were also professionals.

So let us raise a glass to friendship.

To victory.

So how does it feel?

Sorry? Victory. Independence.

Oh.

Well, frankly, Miles... It's not everything you'd hoped for?

I know the feeling.

Independence. Two-edged sword.

My friend... My best friend, Sarah Sorkin.

Sarah Battista-O'Flanagan-Sorkin?

The O'Flanagan settlement?

Ah. Hmm.

Anyway, three fine settlements.

More money than she could ever hope to spend.

Yes. Her vaunted independence.

Don't tell me. She sits around the house, afraid to see people, afraid to put her portfolio into play.

And only a peptic ulcer to keep her warm at night.

Yes.

There's a certain point when you've achieved your goals.

You realize that you're still not satisfied.

Yes.

We should order.

You know, I'm not really hungry.

Neither am I.


(SHUSHING)

HERB: Eighteen hundred billable hours.

Twelve hundred twenty-one motions to void.

Five hundred and sixty-four summary judgments.

A hundred and twenty-nine thousand nine hundred and ninety-nine lunches charged.

(LAUGHS)

(PANTING)

(PHONE RINGING)

Hello? MARYLIN: (CRYING) Miles?

Hello? Marylin?

Sarah Sorkin just died!

Marylin! Her ulcer.

Perforated. Infection. Yes.

Miles? Yes, Marylin?

She was alone.

She'd been dead for two days before her Pilates instructor found her.

Marylin, listen to me. No arguments. No discussions.

I'll have Wrigley meet us at the Wee Kirk o' the Heather.

Wrigley!

The vows are from an Arapaho dawn-greeting ceremony.

The music is Simon & Garfunkel. And this is the Massey prenup.

You the two getting married? Mr. MacKinnon here will be officiating.

Sorry. Short notice. Pen.

Marylin, you're welcome to examine this.

This is the Massey prenup.

As you know, it's ironclad. We tried to reach Freddy Bender.

We tried to reach Freddy Bender to have him here for your protection, but we couldn't find him. (WHISPERS) I couldn't get him.

Are you two here to get married or to bullshit?

So you can't hope to benefit from the marriage?

Not in any way.

And my wealth is completely, completely protected?

As if a lead veil had been drawn across it.

(SIGNING)

Do you still want to marry me? More than ever.

(WRIGLEY SNIFFLING)

Are you renting kilts?

(WEDDING MARCH PLAYING)

(MUSIC STOPS)

Do you, Miles Longfellow Massey of Massey, Myerson, Sloan and Gurolnick, LLP, take Marylin Hamilton-Rexroth-Doyle to be your lawful wedded wife?

I do. Yes. I do. I do.

Let me finish. Jesus, have you never been married before?

To have and to hold, to love and to cherish, till death do you part?

I do.

And do you, Marylin Hamilton-Rexroth-Doyle, take Miles Longfellow Massey to be your lawful wedded husband, to have and to hold, to love and to cherish, till death do you part?

I do. I now pronounce you man and wife.

(BAGPIPES PLAYING)


MILES: I'll take care of you later.

(MARYLIN GIGGLING)

No, no, no, no, no. No. This is all wrong.

Is it the kilt?

Do you love me? More than anything.

Can I trust you? Yes, you can trust me.

Darling, you're exposed.

A sitting duck.

I hereby declare the 12th Congress of the National Organization of Matrimonial Attorneys Nationwide open.

As our first order of business, it is a privilege to call to the podium our keynote speaker.

From the Los Angeles firm of Massey, Myerson, Sloan and Gurolnick, a man whose name is synonymous with bitter disputes and big awards, Miles Massey.

Thank you, Branco.

In the world of...

In the world of matrimonial law, there are...

In the world of matrimonial law, there are multiple tactics.

(AUDIENCE MURMURING)

Friends,

this morning I stand before you a very different Miles Massey than the one that addressed you last year on the disposition of marital assets following murder/suicide.

I wish to talk to you today not about technical matters of law.

I wish to talk to you about something more important.

I wish to talk to you from the heart.

Because today, for the first time in my life, I stand before you naked,

vulnerable,

(SIGHS) and in love.

(AUDIENCE MURMURING)

Love.

It's a word we matrimonial lawyers avoid.

Funny, isn't it? We're frightened of this emotion, which is, in a sense, the seed of our livelihood.

Well, today Miles Massey is here to tell you that love need cause us no fear.

Love need cause us no shame. Love is...

Good.

Love is good.

(AUDIENCE MURMURING)

Now I am, of course, aware that these remarks will be received here with cynicism.

Cynicism, that cloak that advertises our indifference and hides all human feeling.

Well, I'm here to tell you that that cynicism which we think protects us, in fact, destroys.

Destroys love, destroys our clients, and, ultimately, destroys ourselves.

Colleagues, when our clients come to us confused and angry and hurting because their flame of love is guttering and threatens to die, do we seek to extinguish that flame so that we can sift through the smoldering wreckage for our paltry reward?

Or do we fan this precious flame, this most precious flame, back into loving, roaring life?

Do we counsel fear or trust? Do we seek to destroy or build?

Do we meet our clients' problems with cynicism

or with love?

The choice is, of course, each of ours.

For my part, I've made the leap of love, and there's no going back.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is the last time I will address you as the president of N.O.M.A.N. or as a member.

I intend to devote myself to pro bono work in East Los Angeles or one of those other...

God bless you all.

(TENTATIVE APPLAUSE)

(APPLAUDING LOUDLY)

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

I love you, man.

So, Wrigley, I'm gonna be relinquishing my partnership in Massey Myerson.

If you care to join me in my new endeavor, I'd be delighted.

Of course, I can't offer you the same kind of financial remuneration you've grown accustomed to, but the work'll have to serve as its own reward.

Barkeep, we'll have two of your finest scotches.

That's the... I propose a toast.

MILES: Barkeep! That's the soap that used to belong to...

You'll be serving in a junior capacity, of course.

Donovan Donaly.

Miles, that's... (STAMMERING)

MILES: It'll be a small operation, a boutique firm.

Let me tell you what they called me in medical school.

MILES: In any firm, there can be only one ramrod.

I don't see why my leadership skills should...

WRIGLEY: Howard? Mackenzie the Mechanical Marvel.

WRIGLEY: It's Howard. You see, I have no nerves.

He's not an oil tycoon. An actor.

Doctor, this is highly unusual.

WRIGLEY: So Marylin married a soap actor.

So she's... She's poor.

Get yourself some clean scrubs, and have them prepare the OR.

Well, thank God you have the prenup. I have no prenup.

You have no prenup. I have no prenup.

(DISTORTED VOICE) You haVe no prenup.

(BOTH SCREAMING)

Thanks.

Okay.

Marylin? Oh, hello, Miles.

(DOG SNARLING)

Going back to LA? Yes.

Look, Miles, I think it's only fair to warn you that after a decent interval, I intend to have Freddy seek an injunction that would forbid you to approach within 500 feet of my house.

You mean my house.

Oh, I believe the residence will be part of the settlement.

Marylin, didn't last night mean anything to you?

Oh, well, about as much as it'll mean to you, half of your net worth.

Miles, you'll always be my favorite husband. But no more sentiment, darling.

I really have to be going.

The dog's rented.

You didn't win. Excuse me?

I can always tell, coming back from Vegas, who didn't win.

(SIGHS) You're right.

But you're going through with it?

Yes.

I just felt so sorry for him for a minute there.

At the preliminary hearing, he just looked so beaten.

Well, he was beaten fair and square. I know, but...

Oh, their pathetic look.

It's what they all fall back on when they don't have a prenup.

Just stay strong until the divorce is final.

Relax and enjoy your pool.

Do you think he's eating enough? Marylin!

This woman has humbled, (WHEEZES) shamed, and disgraced the entire firm.

Yes, Herb. Counselor, this firm deals in power.

This firm deals in perception.

This firm cannot prosper, nor long endure if it is perceived to be dancing to the music of a hurdy-gurdy!

It's just...

Herb, for the first time in my career, I don't know what to do.

I'm a patsy. I'm a sitting duck. I'm lost.

Lost?

I'll tell you what you can do. You can act like a man.

And let me tell you something, smart guy.

You thought you had it all figured out.

(MOCKING) Trust. Marriage. All your goddamn love, love, love!

Now, you listen to me. I'm gonna talk to you about the goddamn law.

We serve the law! We honor the law!

And sometimes, Counselor, we obey the law.

But, Counselor, this is not one of those times.

(WHEEZING)

Are you Wheezy Joe?

Which of you is Smith?

Well, we're here representing Mr. Smith on a matter of some delicacy.

Who's the pigeon? The what?

Who you want me to kill? Yes. Well, we would like you...

Mr. Smith would like you to neutralize, terminate, render unto a state of, so that she isn't so much...

Breathing. Yes. A business associate by the name of Marylin Rexroth-Doyle-Massey... Smith-Massey.

Is that one person?

I have some photos here of Miss Rexroth, and that's the address that she's staying at.

That is Mr. Smith's address. Massey's, Smith...

It's Mr. Smith's address. Although Mr. Smith is not directly involved.

WRIGLEY: Because of an impending legal matter, we need this to happen within a certain time frame.

On an expedited basis. You're in a rush.

We're not in a rush. Mr. Smith is.

(STUTTERS) She won't... She won't suffer, will she?

Not unless you pay extra.

I've been workin' on the railroad.

WOMEN: All the livelong day.

REX: I've been workin' on the railroad.

WOMEN: Just to pass the time away.

REX: Can't you hear the whistle blowin'

Rise up early in the...

(GROANING)

WOMAN: Whistles go "toot-toot."

What's the matter, Rexie?

(PHONE RINGING)

WRIGLEY: Hello?

Yes, he's here. One moment, please.

Miles.

It's for you.

Hello? Yes?

What?

I see.

My God. What?

That was Marvin Untermeyer. He was Rex Rexroth's personal attorney.

Yes? What do you mean he was?

Rex had a massive coronary in the middle of a business meeting.

He's dead.

Well, I'm very sorry to hear that, but you two weren't close, were you?

Marvin said that Rex's will was four years old. Never redrafted it.

He was stinking rich. Yes?

Everything goes to Marylin.

(BOTH SCREAMING)

She's not poor. She's richer than you.

She is exposed. No prenup. She's a sitting duck.

She's a sitting duck. Can't kill her. No need.

No. It would be pointless. She's exposed. It's pointless.

WRIGLEY: Why kill the only woman you've ever loved when she's the richer party?

MILES: She's rich. And I love her. Don't need to kill her.

Ah! What, "Ah"?

You've reached Wheezy Joe. Joe!

What do you want?

Hi, it's Miles Smith... Mr. Smith calling to say, on behalf of myself, that it is... No-go.

No-go concerning Marylin.

I'm speaking with no knowledge. This is what Mr. Smith wants.

This is what I want.

I am Mr. Smith. Thank you.

That was good. You think I'm protected?

Am I protected? I think it would hold up.

Marylin. Yes, yes. Marylin.

What do we do? What if he's on his way there?

Yes. Oh!

If he's on his way there... Oh, no! Marylin!

Get her out and buy some time. Buy some time!

(RINGING)

Hello?

Marylin, you must leave the house immediately.

It's imperative that you leave the house. Hello, Miles.

Hello, dear. Now, Miles, pending final settlement, you know that I'm entitled to use the house. No, no, no! You don't understand, Marylin.

It's an emergency! Yes. An emergency!

What is it?

I forgot that I left the gas main on, which leaks!

Good gosh. That sounds dangerous. It's a deadly, odorless, colorless, liquidless gas that attacks the central nervous system and causes diarrhea and facial tics!

Okay. All right.

Well, thanks for calling, Miles. Okay. Bye-bye.

I think she bought it.

So, tell me,

who sent you?

(DOGS GROWLING)

Mr. Smith.

Is this Mr. Smith?

No.

That's his lawyer.

Whatever they're paying you, I'll double.

(TIRES SCREECHING)

WRIGLEY: What now? MILES: We wait for Wheezy Joe.

We tell him it's a no-go.

Careful. Rottweilers.

(WHISPERS) Looks like she's gone. Looks like she bought it.

WRIGLEY: Good stuff. There's no one here. MILES: Except for the Rottweilers.

WRIGLEY: Sure. Rottweilers.

MILES: You go that way.


(DOOR CREAKING)

Wheezy Joe?


(BOTH SCREAMING)

Wheezy Joe, thank God you're in time.

You're not in time. We're in time. Thank God we're in time.

Look, it's a no-go. You get it?

No one need be the wiser, so you can just go on home.

Goodbye. You know, thank you so much.

Hear that? Okay? No, no. No, no.

No, no. No-go. No contract. It's off. It's...

Will you explain to the lunkhead? No-go. It's a no-go.

We'll settle your contract later. Look, you're fired, pal. Let it go. Walk away.

Golden parachute. Don't let the screen door hit you.

Does he speak any language? Here's what happened, Mr. Carnera.

We feel that...

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

(ALL SCREAMING)

(WHEEZING)

(INHALER HISSES)

(GUNSHOT)

Wheezy!

Told him it was a no-go.

(MACHINE BUZZING)

(DOOR OPENING)

Gentlemen. WRIGLEY: Freddy.

Hello, Marylin. Hello, Miles.

This is where we first met, remember? Of course I remember.

It's hard to believe that when you walk out that door today, you'll be walking out of my life forever.

It's not something I wanted either.

But then, I guess something inside of me died when I realized that you'd hired a goon to kill me.

Wait a minute. You hired him to kill me. No. Both of you wait a minute.

Nobody hired anyone to kill anyone. Hear, hear.

Apparently, from what I can gather, a burglar broke into your house.

WRIGLEY: Miles' house. Whatever! (CLEARS THROAT)

A burglar broke in intending to loot the place, repented, became despondent over his lifestyle and shot himself.

So where does that leave you and me? FREDDY: Well, we've outlined a settlement.

We think it's very generous.

My client is prepared to consider a reconciliation.

But how could I trust you, Miles, after all this?

FREDDY: See, that's exactly right. The point is...

You wounded me first, Marylin.

I'm not proud of what I've done, but God knows, I did trust you once.

If you could just give us another chance.

(LAUGHS) Well, if you'll pardon me here, but I think my client is well beyond the point of considering...

How could I ever trust you again? I mean really trust you, Miles?

Marylin, there is nothing in the Massey prenup that says it can't be executed after the parties wed.

Well, if this indeed is a Massey prenup, and a cursory examination tends to support that it is, then... (SCREAMS)

(CRYING)

Oh, my God, Marylin. You're exposed.

Marylin.

Counselor! Freddy!

Freddy! Come on, Freddy! No fair!

Freddy!

Did you hear something? Only the patter of little lawyers' feet.

Where did you find Howard?

The actor? From a TV producer. I think you know him.

I gave him an idea for a new show, so he made me a partner.

I guess that means I'm a partner. I guess it does.

And what exactly is it we're partners in?

ANNOUNCER: (ON TV) Who gets what, and who gets who?

You'll find out on America's Funniest Divorce Videos.

Here's the star of our show, Gus Petch!

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

You goddamn right, folks. I'm Gus Petch. And we got a great show for you.

We gonna make you laugh. We gonna make you cry.

But most of all, we gonna nail your ass! AUDIENCE: Ass!

(CHANTING) Nail your ass!

Nail your ass! Nail your ass!

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

AUDIENCE: (CHANTING) Gus! Gus! Gus! Gus! Gus! Gus! Gus! Gus!