I.Q. (1994) Script


No, no.

First, you should find out what is the essential nature of the universe. ls the universe an inherently irrational place random and chaotic?

Chipmunk, your spoon.

Oh.

Your spoon-- it's on the floor.

Oh!

Are you ready to order?

Uh, yes, l think.

The usual, please.

No. l'll have a cup of coffee and a corn muffin, please.

Ow!

Darling, that is your usual.

Oh.

Well, l'll have that then.

Okay.

Thank you.

-Aha! -What? lt loses 1 1 ,000 molecules per square centimeter per second.

What does?

The comet.

Now... which one of these do you like best? ls this a personality test?

Mm, it's a sort of surprise.

They're all the same.

What? No, no.

Look.

That's aquamarine.

That's blue-green, and that's algae.

Well, you know at the atomic level there's no such thing as color.

Though they did do that study in Belgium that time-- or was it Denmark?

Babbling.

Anyway, babbling.

Anyway, the point was that...

What was the point?

Oh, that since protons are so much smaller than light waves...

Algae.

Thank you.

Since protons are so much smaller than light waves how could they ever see it to begin with?

Oh, those Danes.

Or is there a fundamental order underlying all things?

Hey, Captain Marvel?

Shazam?

Oh, thanks. l was just reading about Boyd's comet.

Boyd's what?

Comet? Like in the sky?

They say it's going to be here soon.

We're going to be able to see it.

You know why a comet's tail always points away from the sun?

No.

Want to know?

-No. -No.

'Cause it's actually not a tail at all. lt's, it's bits of gas that the sun lights up.

We earthlings will try to keep that in mind.

Kind of like a 500-mile- long Jersey torch.

Wow. lt must be true.

The fact remains that certain events are strictly accidental.

What fact?

Oh!

Oh, my, look at the time.

No problem.

Oh! lt's because it's spring.

Everything goes through upheaval in the spring, wouldn't you say?

Come on, you little bitch.

Sounds like business.

M.G.T.F. Roadster.

Austin-Healey.

Cadillac coupe.

Buck.

You're on.

Blown intake valve.

Cracked distributor cap.

Busted muffler.

Are we all victims of some comic cosmic accident, or is there a grand design?

Oh, what luck.

T.C. Roadster.

That's a T.F.

A couple of college swells.

You handle them, Ed.

Hi, what seems to be the problem?

Um, uh...

Do you have anyone here who knows how to deal with British automobiles? l really don't want anyone just poking around in there with a sharp stick.

Would it be all right if l looked under the bonnet?

Well, at least he called it a bonnet.

Ah... so, that's the engine, huh?

Um, look, l think, perhaps we ought to go somewhere else, do you?

lntake valve, l'm tellin' ya.

Busted muffler.

-lntake valve. -Busted muffler.

That's your problem right there.

What?

You got no spark.

What?

You have no spark.

Yes, l heard him, Catherine.

What do you think it means? ls it the generator?

The coil? What?

Well, it's hard to say.

You see, you have a Lucas type four generator on a 12-volt system, and you know the British.

They'd rather spend time gluing wood on a dashboard than getting the electrical system right.

Fascinating, but what is wrong with the car?

Well, my guess is your stroke is too short and you're getting premature ignition.

Does it ever feel that way?

Like what?

Like the stroke is too short and you're getting premature ignition?

Well, l'm sure l don't know what you mean.

Could you just fix it at least temporarily, do you think?

We're really running behind schedule here. l'll check with my boss.

Don't go away.

He seems nice enough.

He, he's a troglodyte. lntake valve, right?

Busted muffler? l'm going to marry her.

Who? The dame?

Yeah.

Wow, that was fast.

What about the car?

Cracked distributor cap.

You wouldn't believe it. l looked at her, she looked at me and it was... it happened.

You could feel it. lt was like death, but in a good way.

He's going screwy.

Pop, pop, pop, pop. lt was electric.

And then, then l kissed her.

You kissed a customer?

When? ln the future. lt was weird. lt was like time and space got all mixed up and... it was like a Martian mind-meld.

He's cracking up.

All right, look, l want you to stay away from the magazines.

That's an order.

No, you don't understand. lt was, it was, okay... the past, the present, and the future they all went together. l had kids with her. l could see the kids. l had two boys and three... no.

Three boys, two boys...

Excuse me?

How long will all this take?

Well, that's up to you. lt is?

The car, you nut.

Um, l, uh... the car, a few days.

That long? l'm going to have to give it my full attention.

Well, in that case, l better call a phone.

Do you mind if l use your cab?

There's a cab in the office.

Ja, but the uncertainty principle postulates a universe of chaos where everything happens merely by chance.

Oh, thank you.

What's going on?

We'll take care of it.

Hello? l need a taxi.

Uh, Catherine Boyd.

B-O-Y-D.

What? Oh.

What's the address here?

130 Broad.

130 Broad.

The first stop is the Silas Paine lnstitute then l'm going on to 1 12 Mercer. ls that your address?

1 12 Mercer.

Two minutes! Thank you.

Bye.

Oh, huh!

Well... it was Belgium. lt was?

What was?

Mm-hmm. The study.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

James, the taxi will be here in two minutes.

Oh, well done, darling.

We'll meet him on the corner.

Belgium.

Well, thank you.

Two days?

We'll call you. l, for one, will never believe that God plays dice with the universe.

We're wasting time.

Come on, serve already.

That's ridiculous.

How can you waste something that doesn't exist?

What, time doesn't exist?

Since when? l wouldn't know. lf time doesn't exist, then there is no ''when.''

You hear, Liebitzrecht?

Another crazy theory.

Then tell me the correct time now, huh?

You see?

You can't, because as you're telling me the future has already become the past.

Therefore, there is no present.

Therefore, time doesn't exist!

Oops!

Now your racket doesn't exist.

Oh.

Yes?

You're Albert Einstein.

Thank you.

Wow.

May l say what a great fan l am of yours?

Thank you.

That thing you wrote about light being bent by gravitation and the whole relativity thing?

Man, that is... jiving. l'm still trying to figure it out.

Me, too.

Uh, can l help you, Mr....?

Walters, Ed Walters.

Hi. Um... actually, l was looking for a Catherine Boyd. l must have the wrong address. l'm sorry to bother you, sir.

Oh, Catherine's my niece.

She's your niece?

She's your niece? l can't have a niece?

Well, that would make you her uncle. lt works nicely, doesn't it?

Wow!

Well, you see, l found this... watch of hers at my garage, and, uh...

Oh, thank you. l'll see that she gets it.

Actually, l was hoping to return it to her personally.

Why?

Let's just say... it would be beneficial to her future.

Perhaps you better come in, Mr. Walters.

Ah, Mr. Walters, may l present Boris Podolsky Kurt Godel, Nathan Liebitzrecht-- three of the greatest minds of the 20th century and amongst them, they can't change a lightbulb.

Edward, is it?

Yes.

Edward has come to pay a call on Catherine.

Oh, really.

That's nice.

Very nice.

l could fix this for you.

Oh, very nice.

Very nice.

Thank you very much.

Oh, that's my compass.

This is what got me started in my work.

So, young man, do you think time exists?

Time?

l was just reading about it in Future Science magazine.

Tell us.

There are these twins, and one takes a journey in a spacecraft at the speed of light and the other one stays on Earth.

Well, the twin that travels into space comes back years later, and he's young.

And the one who stayed on Earth, by this time, is very old.

So, so, which one do you think is happier?

The young one.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No. The one that stayed behind.

Why?

Because he's had a full life and he's had experiences and love and pain and he has a family and friends.

And the one who left, well, time has just passed.

Yeah.

This is good, no?

Tell us, what is your field of expertise?

My job? l'm a... l'm an auto mechanic.

See the U.S.A. ln your Chevrolet, ja?

Edward, what do you know about gravity?

Gravity?

Yeah.

We have a little gravity problem.

Please be careful, Edward.

Take it easy.

So, what do you think of our Catherine, Mr. Walters? l think she's wonderful.

Wonderful to the power of three.

What power of three?

To the power of ten!

We all love her.

She's engaged, you know.

Yeah, l know. l saw the ring.

He's a professor of experimental psychology, James, uh...

-Morland. -The rat man.

You know what he does?

He puts electrodes on the genitals of the rats.

Some day, l do that to him.

Ah, we threw the racket up to get the birdie.

We threw Godel's cane up there to get the racket. l threw Podolsky's golf club up there to get even with him.

We're going to throw Godel up there next.

Yeah. lt's a vicious tree.

Edward, Edward, what makes you think that she would be better off with you? l don't know. Just a feeling.

A feeling?

What kind of feeling?

This is going to sound crazy.

That's all right.

You can tell us.

We are all a little crazy here.

Well, when she came in the garage... it was like everything slowed down, and got very clear. lt's like when you're milling a camshaft or grinding down the curve on a fender.

A-A-And as you're doing it, you just know everything is going to work out perfect.

Everything's going to fit.

You know?

You ever have that feeling?

Yeah, one time in 1905.

Watch out. Watch out now!

Mr. Walters, are you all right?

That gravity-- it's a killer.

Mr. Bamberger, l don't know what it is you think l can do. l'm finishing my thesis. l do some administrative work for my Uncle Albert... but he adores you. They all do.

They'll listen to you.

No, no, no, sit here.

Get the full effect.

Please.

Catherine, l know l funded the lnstitute for Advanced Study as a place for pure thought... but... but... the symposium next week... it's our last chance.

My accountants are all over me.

Sit a little closer.

Tell your uncle we need something... a new invention for New Jersey-- something that can be... bought here something that can be made here something that can be launched from here. lt's important for the institute.

Stereo hi-fidelity.

Spike Jones!

Move a little closer.

lt sounds like he's right here like you could reach out and touch him.

Or slap him.

You were attracted to the earth You were attracted to the earth at 32 feet per second per second. l believe it.

Ah, such a beautiful day.

Come, we'll find Catherine and you'll give her the watch.

Look at this.

You know... when l was a patent clerk in Switzerland l used to wonder what the universe would look like if l was traveling at the speed of light... on a motorcycle.

Hello, professor Einstein!

How you doing, doc?

Good. Very good. l always wanted a convertible.

Wahoo!


What?

Faster.

Faster.

Okay, hang on, doc.


Wahoo!

Please...

Help... help!

James...

Ah, professor. l was looking for Catherine. ls she here?

No. No, but l'm glad you've come anyway.

Dr. Morland! l'm not going to do your test anymore!

Shouldn't somebody help this guy?

Oh, he's all right. lt's a time deprivation experiment.

Go on. Have a look.

This is right out of Martians Ate My Brain.

Have you ever read that story?

Don't l know you?

This is my friend Edward.

We're working on something together.

Really? What?

Attraction at a distance.

Well... shall we, uh... go and have a look at the, uh... and, uh, please, don't touch anything, will you?

Let me show you the mouse l was talking about.

He's just around here.

Now, the mouse has learned that the red lever will give him an electrical stimulus in the brain that's something akin to sexual climax and the blue lever will dispense him food.

Now, this one here hasn't eaten for three days.

There.

Now, why would he do that?

Uh... excuse me a moment, will you?

Gretchen, would you, um...

that's curious.

That fellow in the booth calmed down so quickly.

Yes. Funny, huh?

Where's your watch?

Huh?

You were wearing a wristwatch.

Well, l figured since time doesn't exist-- who needs a watch?


That was ausgezeichnet.

Thank you very much.

You're very welcome.

Next time l bring my goggles, ja?

All right, doc.

Ah, Catherine...

Hi.

The garage.

He's quite a guy, your uncle.

Yes, he... he...

Do you know him? l get around.

Did you take him on that thing?

Uh-huh.

You took Albert Einstein for a ride on a motorcycle?

Uh-huh.

-Well, don't ever do that again. -Why not?

Because he could've been killed.

He loved it.

He went ''wahoo.''

Wahoo?

When was the last time he went ''wahoo''?

Well, l'm sure l don't know.

When was the last time you went ''wahoo''?

Well, l'm sure l don't know.

Want a... want a lift?

On that?

No.

No.

No.

Come on, what could happen?

So you die a little.

Hey, help me out, will you? l'm a little nervous.

Oh, really? Why? l'm trying to figure out the best way to ask you to dinner.

Uh... mister...

Walters. Ed.

Right. l'm sure you're a very nice person and l'm happy to know that my future automotive safety is in your large, very capable hands but l-l really should be going that way so... good-bye.

Well, then dinner's out of the question.

Yeah.

So l should give you this.

You found it.

You left it.

You fixed it. l polished it.

Thank you.

And l tightened the screws. l can feel that. lt's very pretty. lt was my father's. l thought l'd lost it.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Um...l'm sorry if l was abrupt before.

No problem.

What?

Astonishing.

An unmistakable chemical reaction.

What?

What?

Marlon Brando.

Maybe not.

So, James?

Yes?

Where is it to be?

Where is what to be, Duncan?

The honeymoon, man, the honeymoon.

What have you two lovebirds decided on?

Uh, well, we haven't really discussed it much.

Um, though l was thinking the lturi forest in the Belgian Congo.

The lturi forest. Excellent.

There's a pygmy village near the Embouti settlement.

You know it, don't you, Duncan?

Yes, it's fascinating.

Sort of a complete pygmy package if you'd like.

There's hospitality heart, wild boar roast you wash in the river, tribal rituals... that sort of a thing. lt's like being one of the tribe, really. lt's the opportunity of a lifetime. l like it. l was thinking more along the lines of a million kisses on your skin. l beg your pardon, chimpmunk?

On Maui they have these natural slides formed from these volcanic eruptions of obsidian and you go climbing up and then you go sliding down a hundred feet into what they call the Seven Sacred Pools.

And the water is so aerated that it feels like a million kisses on your skin or like an enormous tongue just licking your entire body.

Dean, do you remember we were talking about the funding?

Obsidian slides and great licking tongues?

My god, he's the head of the whole department.

-James? -Hmm?

How would you like a million kisses on your skin?

What?

What if we have our own primitive ritual right here.

Have you gone mad?!

What are you doing?!

You don't love me.

What, because l won't make love to you in the middle of some dinner party?

Catherine, how can you say such a thing?

You know l love you more than anything.

You're my little munchkin, aren't you? l don't know, James. Am l?

But of course you are.

My little munchy munchkin.

Look, l wasn't going to tell you this till later but you remember that surprise l told you about?

No.

The cards. The color cards.

Yes.

Well, when we come home from our honeymoon we're going to have a home to come home to. ln Stanford.

Oh...

Full professor Department of Applied Psychology.

And it comes with its own little munchkin nest.

And you already picked out the color.

Algae.

This is a color?

And there'll be plenty of room for the children.

Children...

James says that spacing them three and a half years apart is optimal for their mental development.

But what about your mental development?

What?

Your research. l don't know.

Sometimes l wonder if l wouldn't be a better mother than a mechanic... mathematician.

Catherine... when your father asked me to care for you l tried to tell him that the things l know are not very useful in the real world.

And that's why l'm so lucky that l have James.

We have common goals and interests.

He's brilliant, organized, a planner. l find him very stimulating. lntellectually.

Yeah, but what about love, Catherine?

What?! l said when does this all happen-- this wonderful, organized life? ln September.

They say Stanford is beautiful.

That's what they say.

This is the happiest day of my entire life.

Don't worry, liebchen. lt will work out.

l promise.

l'm crazy about this song.

Get him.

What are you, Podolsky, a hep cat?

No. l'm an American.

Oh... so what is it, Mr. hep cat American? l know. lt's a... it's a...

Look out!

Learn to drive, for God's sake!

They should make people pass a test before they let them drive!

You had to pass a test.

How else could you get a license?

A license? lt's ''tutti frutti'' or hutti?

Quiet!

What is wrong with you today, Albert?

Eh!

Catherine-- she should be having more fun.

What she needs is a young man.

She should go out, go dancing...

A little schtupping.

Come on.

Nathan, please.

She thinks schtupping is a town in Bavaria.

Where are you taking us, Albert?

Well, boys, how would you like to have a convertible?

-Excellent! -Excellent.


Phew!

Perfect.

Oh, beautiful.

Sir? lt's very nice upholstery.

You're Albert Einstein.

E = mc squared. l hope so.

Tell me, this comes from the factory like this?

Oh, no, no. lt's all custom. l can't believe it-- in my garage.

This is a real honor.

Frankie, this is Professor Einstein, the smartest person in the world.

How they hanging?

Edward!

Hey, doc.

Edward.

There it is.

What do you think? ls it possible?

Sure. Anything's possible.

He wants to turn that into this...

Convertible.

No problem.

You were talking about the full treatment, Professor?

Ja, ja. The whole ball of wax.

Podolsky, stop that.

Okay, so we chop the top, do a modified nose and deck...

Fill and block.

French tuck and roll on the inside.

Dago the front?

Just a touch.

Quad barrels for the mill.

A master kit.

Hot coil.

Stinger exhaust.

High nickel chrome.

Sound good?

Like Mozart.

You know, l recall here someplace is an ice cream parlor.

Come, we get a scoop.

Doc, actually, it's this way. ls it all right?

Yeah, go, go.

Thank you very much.

-Sure. -Sure.

When l first arrived here in 1933, l went and bought one of these triple scoops.

What flavor?

Peppermint.

You see?

This is a good question.

''What flavor?''

Simple, specific, and it has an answer.

You read a lot of science fiction.

Tell me, do you think they'll ever find intelligent life anywhere in the universe?

They're still looking for intelligent life here on Earth.

You know, Catherine-- she's a brilliant mathematician but she lacks confidence.

She thinks her contribution to the world will be through her children.

She has this crazy idea that if she marries an intellectual she will have genius children or something like that.

Catherine-- she's too smart for that.

Oh, she's too smart here.

But not here.

What she needs is to go out with someone like you.

The problem is she would never go out with someone like you.

That's easy.

Just lend me your brain for a couple of days.

What?

Are you thinking what l am thinking?

What would be the odds of that happening?

lt's still not right.

What?

He doesn't look like a scientist.

So, what's the plan again, doc?

Here, try this.

The plan is we talk science.

We have something to eat.

We drink some schnapps.

And we talk about life. l think it's too fashionable.

Yeah, yeah.

Here-- take some. There's a coat.

Wait, wait.

Nathan, your cardigan.

What do l do if she asks me a question?

Ah.

She asks you a question... here-- you pretend to smoke a pipe.

And then you say, ''lnteresting concept.''

Don't worry.

We'll change the subject.

Change the subject?

You know, like in football.

We'll run interference.

And now... this is a tie.

Here-- this will hold up your pants.

Good, huh?

Yeah.

Yeah.

He looks like a French impressionist.

Yeah, yeah.


...the nuclear configuration is given by the expectation value of the nuclear Hamiltonian, in a state with ''M'' neutrons...

...Will occur if the energy of the fuse state is lower than the energy of...

Our task is to see if the dynamics dictated by the interaction Hamiltonian generates a sufficiently rapid reaction to make cold fusion-powered engines feasible.

Hello.

Hello.

Hello, liebchen.

So, we have here E over C squared. lt's E squared.

Minus E squared over B minus V of X.

Uh, what's going on? lt seems our friend Edward here has been holding out on us. ln addition to being a very fine automotive mechanic he is also in physics something of a wunderkind.

A wunderkind. l, l had this idea. l ran it by the doc and we worked on it together and everybody thought it wasn't so bad.

So! ''lt wasn't so bad.'' lt was astonishing.

Very innovative.

Well, do l get to hear what it is? l figured out how to build a nuclear-powered spacecraft engine, l think.

A fusion engine.

A what?!

The process that fuels the stars.

We're going to put it in a bottle.

Cold fusion. lt's mind-boggling.

He's a mechanic. l was a clerk in a patent office.

Faraday was a carpenter. lsaac Newton was an insurance salesman.

Fusion.

Fusion.

Really? Well, what are you wearing?

What difference does it make what he is wearing?

A nuclear-powered spacecraft.

Well, that's perfect for New Jersey.

New Jersey?

The symposium. l don't suppose you have a paper on this.

Paper?

No, no, you see, there are certain details...

We must check the spelling.

We could have it ready.

You could?

Yeah. Sure.

Couldn't we?

Ja, we could.

When is the symposium?

April 1 .

Five days.

That's not a problem.

Oh, this is great!

Bamberger will be thrilled. l am very grateful.

This is so... huge, really.

lsaac Newton was not an insurance salesman.

W-what?

Boys, our little experiment has just jumped to a higher energy level.

Over X... minus Y to the X + Y...

Minus Y to the X...

What language is that, Martian?

Wait, wait a minute, wait.

You're not changing anything, are you?

No.

Well, what's all that?

Nothing.

All right, grab your scalpel.

Let's operate.

l don't believe it!

Einstein's car!

We do this right, Eddie boy, we're going to have a whole new clientele!

Whoo!

Welcome to the first international physics symposium designed to bring together the very best minds. lt's time, Edward.

Now, this is the largest gathering of the scientific... l can't do this.

Why? Because you're sick with fear and anxiety?

99% Of the world wakes up like this every morning.

Every morning.

Every morning.

Edward, just remember why you are doing this.

Many of the mysteries that we, until now, only...

She's not even here. lt's not as if he's even ever shown any signs of normal intelligence.

Think of that-- nuclear fusion. l suppose these things happen. ldiot savant-- you know, a mental patient plays perfect chess a nine-year-old from Alabama suddenly starts speaking in iambic pentameter.

James, it's packed!

To open our program here, delivering his paper entitled ''Cold Fusion-Powered Exploration Paradigms'' is our very own Edward Walters.

Edward Walters.

Dr. Walters?

Dr. Walters?

Doctor...?

Are you all right, Dr. Walters?

Ed.

Ed?

Ed.

No, no it's P squared over N, not N squared over P.

She's not even here. lf she marries a genius, she'll have genius children.

Do something. l am doing something, but it's not helpful.

Or pleasant.

A nuclear-powered spacecraft.

Distinguished colleagues... honored guests...

Edward, just remember why you are doing this.

Any journey in life... if not done for human reasons, with understanding and love...

This is not the paper we wrote.

Shh! Listen.

... would be a very empty and lonely one.

And look.

Something worth remembering, since nuclear-powered spacecraft may soon make the ancient dream of traveling to the edge of the universe and back... a reality.

The source of that power is the very source that fuels the stars themselves and, in doing so fuels our imagination and our dreams.

Let us suppose that V of X is the standard barrier of penetration potential and that size... and nuclear ... function... then, as usual, minus l-H-R-D sine D-T equals minus D squared psi D-X squared plus V of X.

What a circus!

As if the scientific analysis wasn't mind-numbing enough what was all that mush about the human heart?

You didn't understand that because you're not a physicist.

Yeah, well, let's remember, darling, neither was he until recently.

Did you notice he still had grease under his fingernails?

Edward, congratulations.

To genius.

To fusion.

To the heart.

-Ah! -Ah!

Ah, oh, so you never went to college. l barely finished high school. l was always taking apart some car.

And yet, you have such an amazing grasp of theory.

Do you know, l believe that you used Debrawley's formula for the length of the pilot wave.

Of course he did. lt was a brilliant stroke. l couldn't have done without it.

Oh! l forgot that.

Wait a minute.

Could you, could you remind me?

Um...

Yeah. Um, sure.

Uh...

X equals... one plus, uh...

W...

X equals one plus W cubed...

in... over pi.

Right, right.

Can you invert that?

Where is he?!

Where is that beautiful boy?

Rocket ships.

-Zoom! -Zoom!

Home run, Catherine, home run!

Thank you, sir.

Ed Walters, may l present Louis Bamberger? lf you had a nickel for every nickel he has, you would have a lot of nickels.

An honor and a pleasure, sir.

New Jersey-- leader in intergalactic rocket exploration.

How does that sound for a license plate?

Long.

Huh? Oh... sense of humor. l love this boy.

May l steal my niece for one minute, please?

Uh, well, actually, we were just about to leave.

Just for one moment, please. l need some air.

James, how is the rat business?

Um, well, it's really students that l'm experimenting on now.

My god, the mazes must be enormous.

Green, black, red.

Look at that. lt's like having four pens in one.

What an exciting time to be alive.

Louis, we need to have a talk.

This is going to be something l understand, isn't it?

Yeah, yeah. l don't understand what you say to me.

Yes, but you see...

Oh, that's better.

Look, Catherine.

Look at the stars, look at the sky, look at...

Edward.

We were just talking about the stars.

Ah... well, enough breathing.

Wow.

What a night. l haven't seen a sky like this since l was a kid.

That's stargazers' field.

How many stars do you think are up there?

Hmm.

Um, ten to the twelfth, plus one.

Ah, you don't have to say that.

No, really, everybody is quite impressed.

Do you know why a comet's tail always points away from the sun?

Yes.

Me, too.

My grandma used to tell me that stars are where a woodpecker pecked holes in the sky.

She wasn't that scientifically minded.

When my father looked at the sky he didn't really see stars.

He said he saw great seas of fire and nuclear furnaces.

He said it was like a very violent ballet only it was too small for anyone to see.

What is keeping James? l don't know.

He discovered a comet.

James discovered a...?

No. My father.

They named it after him.

Boyd's comet.

Mm-hmm.

Oh, my god, that's you.

That's your father.

Mm-hmm. l-l was just reading about that in the...

Oh, you've read his works?

Well, some of them.

There are so many.

Three.

Three? Really?

There... it seemed like more.

They're all so action-packed.

Action-packed?

What is he saying?

He's coming back.

James?

No. Uh, my father.

You know, just before he died he promised that when the comet came back he'd be riding on it.

Right, uh.... right there. l think it's there, just below Cassiopeia.

Ah, you're right.

He said he'd be riding on it looking down to make sure l was okay.

So, how are you?

Are you okay?

Catherine?

Catherine!

The rat man cometh. l...

Catherine?

Somebody call a doctor.

Albert, say something. l just had too many knerdlers for lunch. l need my pills.

Catherine, you know where they are?

At home.

Edward, you drive me.

Yes, all right, you-you drive him home. l'll collect your things, Catherine, and l'll see you at the Cafe Day Cup later.

Yes. Yes.

Yes?

Albert, you want us to come with you?

No, no.

Watch out.

Good-bye, please.

Let's go. Let's go.

Wait a minute.

How do we get home?

Good question.

Oh... it's a lovely night.

We walk.

Oh, look, l found my pills.

Now... maybe we can catch some of this in a glass.

Should get you out of this.

Yeah, that's a good idea.

Over there.

That cafe, Edward.

lt's a very bad Albert Einstein joke.

Maleva was his first wife.

She divorced him.

Yeah, l lived too much here and not enough here.

She have children?

Two boys.

Hans Albert.

His mother named him while l was out of town.

And Edward.

Yes?

No. Edward was the name of the other boy.

Oh.

Well, you must have lived here at least twice.

Edward... how did you first think of atomic fuel?

Well, it just sort of hit me.

Boom.

-Boom. -Boom.

Was it a Kessler boom or an accident?

Because Kessler believes that accidental discoveries are not accidents at all.

That people have moments of insight and intuition that they're prepared for by their experience to recognize them for what they are.

Babbling.

Babbling?

No, you're not babbling. lf l had a mind like yours, l wouldn't stop talking.

l think it's letting up.

l think she wants to leave.

She doesn't know what she wants.

Still raining.

Still raining.


l think your uncle wants us... to dance.

Oh, now, don't be irrelevant, Ed.

You can't get from there to here.

Why not?

Now, don't tell me that a famous and brilliant scientist such as yourself doesn't know about Zeno's paradox.

Remind me.

You can't get from there to here because you always have to cover half the remaining distance.

Like, from me to you, l have to cover half of it.

But, see? l still have half of that remaining, so... l cover half that and, um... there's still half of that left so l cover half of that and, uh... half of that and half of that and half of that.

And since there are infinite halves left... can't ever get there.

So how did that happen?

l don't know. lt's not possible.


James.

No. Ed.

James. l was supposed to meet him.

Oh, oh.

Go, go, go, go, go, go, go.

Shall we go again?

So we have particle ''C''-- Catherine-- in orbit around particle ''J''-- James-- powerize particle ''E''-- Edward-- follows ''C'', becomes a new entity.

''C'' plus ''E'' which causes ''J'' to disintegrate. lf l could take you up in paradise above lf you would tell me l'm the only one that you love Life could be a dream, sweetheart.

''Edward Walters, a local garage mechanic

''and amateur physicist dropped a bombshell

''on the international physics symposium

''with the announcement

''of a formula that makes interplanetary travel by nu-cu-lear rocket a real possibility.''

Nuclear. l said nu-cu-lear, professor.

Nuclear.

Good picture.

This has got to be the dumbest thing anybody ever did to impress a dame.

Especially one that expects you to talk to her-- she's smart.

Shut up, Frankie.

Eddie, you hardly finished high school.

How do you expect to get away with this?

l know a lot about science.

Excuse me.

Ed Walters?

Who the hell are you?

Bill Reilly, Times.

Yeah?

Hey, hi.

Bob Rosetti. l own the place.

Oh, hey, Mr. Rosetti.

So were you surprised to find out you had such a brilliant employee?

Surprised?

Why do you think l hired him? He's a genius.

Hey, Ed, a lot of folks are wondering how an ordinary guy like yourself could come up with such advanced ideas. l think l can answer that.

Hello, Edward.

Congratulations.

Thank you.

You see, the fact is that we're only now just beginning to understand the true nature of intelligence.

And you are?

James Morland.

With the, uh...?

Silas Paine lnstitute.

Experimental psychology.

We're learning that, uh, that thing that we call genius that is the ability to make intuitive breakthroughs can flower almost anywhere. lsn't that so, Edward?

You're the expert.

Yes. Yes, l am.

That's really why l'm here.

Oh, apart from to pick up my car, of course, which l trust is ready by now.

We'd like to study you.

Study me?

Your brain. Your thinking processes. lt's an extraordinary opportunity to increase our understanding of human knowledge.

What do you say?

Can we count on you?

One, uh, colleague to another.

Many of you may recognize this test. lt's a variation on the classic P.C.& D. examination.

Mr. Walters will have ten minutes to complete the series.

You will find the first problem inside this box.

Are you ready, Ed?

-Actually... -Start the clock, please.


Yes, uh...

Yes, quite, uh...

Quite impressive.

Uh, now we move on to phase two.

Phase two?

Yes, we've, uh, tested the subject's motor ability.

Now it's time to test his general knowledge-- something which, l must confess l've been quite curious about-- and to that end l have devised a series of multiple choice questions--

50 in all-- on relativity, Newtonian physics physical chemistry and, of course, some basic quantum mechanics.

The subject has 18 minutes in which to complete the series.

Uh, lights, please.

Would you like to sit down?

And, uh, projector.

Start the clock.

Excuse me. Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.


Ow!

l'm done.

That it?

ln an intensive lQ test today, young auto mechanic Ed Walters scored 186, placing him in the top point-zero-zero-zero...

Did he pass?

That's our Eddie!

Come on, mention the garage.

Come on... Bob and Al's...

Bob and Al's...

At the White House, President Eisenhower scoffed at the Soviet claims to have leapt ahead in the race to space.

He dismissed the red rumors, saying that the first man in space will have hot dogs for lunch... not borscht.

And the name of the man who could put us there?

Ed Walters. l was wrong about him.

He's not an idiot savant at all.

He's the real thing-- he's an idiot idiot.

Shh.

The boy grease-pit genius.

And like his mentor, Albert Einstein, young Ed Walters dreamed of solving the mysteries of the universe. lf you'd get the stars out of your eyes

-you'd see for yourself. -James!

Before long, we'll all be going to the Moon for the weekend on nuclear rocket engines and save on our fuel bills in the bargain.

Have you actually read this stupendous, earth-shattering paper of his?

No.

You didn't? l'm surprised. l thought you'd be dying to get your hands on it.

You know, as a fellow mathematician.

Mathematicians and physicists everywhere are putting this startling new theory... lt's me.

...to examine in detail the mathematical brilliance of this simple garage mechanic who believes, in the land of the free and the home of the brave, nothing is impossible.

Do the horn again, Edward.

Ja, ja.

Albert, we have our convertible.

Good, good.

This is like sailing, without the wetness.

Wonderful thing you have made here, Edward.

Why aren't you smiling? l think l've got to tell Catherine the truth.

No, no, it's too soon.

She's falling in love with the wrong guy, doc.

Ja, but it's love.

Edward, it's love.

Catherine?

No, thank you.

Ed.

Hi. l was going to ask you why you use that operator there?

l often ask myself the same question.

Oh.

Yeah. lt's just a stroke of brilliance. l'm just so close to figuring it out.

Trouble ahead.

Mm-hmm.

Maybe, maybe not.

What if she finds the flaw in our theory?

Easy. We just undermine her confidence.

Well, we shouldn't do that.

How?

We'll be obscure and obtuse.

Maybe you're taking something for granted.

What if you question everything?

Look at it from an entirely different perspective.

Question everything.

Uh-oh.

Uncle Albert... could this be right?

What? l know that look. What did l do? l never saw it this way.

Oh. l don't know what l was thinking.

Excuse me.

What did you say to her?

Why do you let them scare you off like that?

They are the greatest minds in the world.

So? Who says they have all the answers?

Wait. Who says what?

Who says you're not one of the greatest minds in the world?

Well, l'm not like you.

You're a natural.

You're just like one of them.

-No, l'm not. -Yes, you are.

-Yes, you are. -No, l'm not.

Believe me, l'm not.

Oh! Well, okay-- you're younger.

The point is, you're not just some dumb garage mechanic.

You're a genius, and l'm just... l don't know what l am.

What? What are you?

A housewife?

Almost. l think you're more than that.

Lady, the only thing you're afraid of is yourself.

Wait. Can l just ask you something?

What?

What, um...

Why do you do that?

What?

Brando. l'm just trying to make you smile.

Oh.

Well...

Thanks.

Bye.

lt's for the best.

We squeeze the brain a little to make room for the heart.

But maybe accidents are part of the grand design? lf you cause the accident then it is not an accident.

Ah, ja, ja.

You know, the trouble with accidents is you can't predict the outcome.

Ah! So-So maybe Catherine will fall in love with one of us.

You are such a dreamer, lieblich.

Oh! Oh, l'm sorry.

Were you sleeping?

Oh, Catherine, no. l was just in repose.

Oh.

Where were you?

Thinking. l was worried about you.

That l was thinking?

Me, too.

No, l was worried that you were angry with me since it's the one thing l would not be able to bear.

Please forgive a foolish old man.

Oh, no, no, no.

You weren't being...

Well, maybe a little. lt was me.

He'll tell me what to think.

Who?

My notebook! l thought l lost this.

Catherine, who?

My dad... the comet... Friday, 10:35.

Liebchen... l know we make fun of your James.

We call him ''the rat man'' and ''the rodent king.''

And ''the lesser professor'' and ''the excremental psychologist.''

Ja... and ''sir monkey lips.''

''Chimp pimp.''

This all stops now.

Hmm.

What l wish for you:

You go out and have a good life.

You mean that? l just spoke with him.

Who?

With the rat... with James.

Tomorrow, we all go together, and we have an excursion.

Hello? Someone lost in...

Hello.

We heard screaming.

-Screaming? -Ja, ja.

We are looking for professor Einstein.

He said you would be together.

Uh, yes, but not here. l'm going sailing with him.

Oh, sailing... of course!

We were... we were mistaken.

We never go sailing.

Really?

He says the fish don't want to eat what we have just eaten. l'd better check on this.

No, no! He's fine.

Don't touch anything.

Quiet!

This is what we miss in physics: screaming. lf anybody screams, it's usually me.

Uh, please, don't, don't touch anything.

You let the rats run around like that, eh?

Very democratic of you.

18 months of experimental research gone!

Oh, the monkeys! lt's plain to see you're very busy.

We come back another time.

Psychologists... So crazy!

Go!

Well, l don't understand it.

Well, l don't understand it.

He's always ten minutes early for everything.

Any longer, we lose the wind.

Okay, that's it. We're set. l'm very disappointed. l was looking forward to getting to know him better.

Um... well, maybe next time.

lt's pretty.

Mmm.

Whoa.

Sorry. lt's all right. You okay?

Uncle Albert... cut it out!

Listen, Catherine, there's something l have to tell you.

No, listen, uh... l know that Uncle Albert and everybody wants us to... you know.

But there's something else...

No. You have to let me finish. lt's just that...

Well, love between two people, uh...

Oh!

Sorry.

Uncle Albert! l'm steering the boat.

Uh...

Uh...

Love...

No.

People who share common goals and interests...

Did you ever hear of the color algae?

No.

Oh.

Anyway, the point is, Ed, that, um... you can't choose who you're gonna love.

Well, l know that.

You know? lt just happens.

And l think you're a decent person and l respect you... l respect you, too.

Thank you. And l know how you feel about me. lt's just that you can't... you can't expect somebody who you've just met-- somebody who hardly knows you-- to suddenly say...

l love you. l understand. That's okay.

No, l love you. l do! l do! l said it!

You love me?

Yes! l love you.

Whoa!

Would you stop?

Uncle Albert, would you please cut that out? l can do it myself now.

Wahoo.

Did you feel that?

Ja!

Somewhere, an atom collided with an atom that collided with an atom, and so on until it collided with us!

To atoms... those sexy little kinkies.

Suppose you think you're in love with this... this mechanic, do you?

Yes! Ed! l'm in love with him!

Let me explain...

Oh... it's an infatuation. lt's not love.

He's pleasant-looking, he's, he's popular...

Uncle Albert likes him, so, naturally, you feel attracted, but it... it won't last.

What we have will last:

Common aims and interests... verbal communications... financial security... intellectual compatibility.

What about love?

Sounds like a hundred-dollar brake job, Frank.

Busted tappets. Ed?

Huh?

What do you think?

She loves me.

l thought that was the idea.

You haven't told her, have you? l've been trying.

Ah, tell 'em nothing, that's what l say. lt's not that hard.

You just call her up and say, ''Hello. l'm a lying grease monkey.''

Leave me alone, will you? lt's going to be all right.

She loves me.

Will it work?

Will it work?

You never know.

Hmm... l've seen this before.

Well, yes, it's been in all the papers:

Ed Walters' cold fusion.

No, no, l mean years ago... somewhere.

First l want to say, ''l lie you...

''l-l love you. l'm a l... a liar.''

There's been some things that l haven't been completely honest about, and, um, l would like the...

Just a minute, Catherine.

Edward Walters?

Yes?

Hey!

Quiet. Speak when you're spoken to.

Act natural. Keep the answers short.

Edward... Edward, l want you to meet the President of the United States. lke?!

You're... you're... you're the...

You're President Eisenhower.

Well, at least until the next election.

Um, some special... occasion?

Oh, um... l'm expecting someone... um... a friend...

Catherine.

Catherine Boyd?

Yes.

Albert Einstein's niece. l have to tell her something.

Ah.

Well, son, about this engine...

Uh, when can we see a working prototype?

A-A prototype?

The Russians have announced that they'll have a working model within the year.

The President would like to make an announcement we are building a prototype here in New Jersey.

We have a press conference tonight.

7:00 at the symposium. l'd like to be able to tell them we'll have something ready by say, um...

7:00?

Then Eisenhower tells everyone the good news!

There's good news?

About the prototype!

Does Edward know this?

Sure! lt was practically his idea!

Come on, let's go!

They're waiting for us out front!

Oh, my god.

Excuse me.

Catherine Boyd? l met your friend Edward.

You must be very proud. l have very strong feelings about him.

We should leave the country!

Don't panic!

When should we panic-- when they shoot us for treason?

They don't shoot you for treason. l think it's electrocution.

Ed. lt's Ed!

Where's Catherine?!

With Eisenhower!

Back!

Stay back, sir!

Catherine! Stop!

-lsn't that, uh...? -Walters!

Ed!

Catherine!

Catherine! Stop!

Congratulations, young lady. l felt the same way when l proposed to Mamie.

Mr. President, l think you'd better get... lt's okay. Okay. Stop the car.

lsn't that Ed Walters?

Yeah, that's him.

Some kind of problem?

Why'd we stop?

Catherine...

Don't talk to me, you liar, you fake, you phony...

You found out.

How could you think l was that stupid? l don't think you're stupid.

How'd you find out? l figured it out, okay? l just figured it out. l put two and two together-- V over R equals H...

The formula? That's fantastic! That's great!

Stop it! You fake...

Just kiss me.

What?

Be right there, lke!

Take your time!

The president thinks that you are proposing to me, so just kiss me.

We're in a lot of trouble here.

Looks like a yes to me.

Yes, it does.

Ow!

You... you mechanic.

See? That's all l am to you-- just a mechanic, right?

Yeah! ls your name really Ed?

Yes, it's Ed.

Do you really work at a garage?

Yes, a garage where you fell in love with me when you first saw me, remember?

That's real. That's true.

That hurts!

One second, lke!

Ow! Ow!

Oh, for God's sake...

Ow!

Ow! Ow!

You know what?

What?

You had to know.

Something in you had to know.

You're not dumb.

Yes, l am! l think you wanted to go along with it.

As a matter of fact, l think you needed to. ln a way, you should be thanking me.

Thanking you?

Ow!

Geez...

Be right there, lke!

You bit me!

Aah!

Sorry, Ed.

Sorry about that.

Listen, Ed.

You're right. l've learned quite a bit from you, you know? l have a... l have a great brain and l should trust that.

Yeah.

And it's not about what you do. lt's about who you are.

So, l've learned that from you.

So, thank you.

Fake.

Albert... what's going on?

Catherine has just found out that Edward is not really a scientist.

He is simply an automobile mechanic.

What the hell does an automobile mechanic know about cold fusion?

Nothing. lt's all a big lie.

April Fool's?

We meant no harm.

Just foolish old men...

So l was right about the cold fusion, wasn't l?

Catherine, do you realize that you have proven conclusively that my approach is impossible?

Conclusively. l knew that, but you said that...

Ja. l meant that l could not prove it or disprove it.

Therefore, l could not publish it. l did something that you couldn't do?

Ja. lt's, uh, mathematics. l was always terrible at mathematics.

Professor...

Ed Walters' atomic fuel theory.

Ed Walters' atomic fuel theory.

An unpublished paper of Albert Einstein's written 30 years ago.

Gentlemen, they are identical. ln every respect, identical.

Are you accusing Ed Walters of plagiarism?

Hardly. l'm accusing Ed Walters and Professor Einstein and his colleagues... of, um... of outright fraud.

Cold fusion is nothing more than a hoax.

lf you will please bear with us Professor Einstein has a statement to make.

Thank you, Mr. President.

Ladies and gentlemen, Dr. James Morland is correct.

Cold fusion is a hoax.

A hoax so brilliant, so daring, so secret not more than five people on the planet Earth know about it.

We called it ''Operation Red Cabbage.''

But now, we can reveal through the efforts of my colleague, Miss Boyd and Mr. Walters-- two of the finest minds it has ever been my privilege to know-- we have proven the Russian claim to have leapt ahead in the space race with cold fusion is nothing but hot air.

Personally, l think any race of this nature-- arms or space-- is complete foolishness.

Thank you very much.

A master stroke, gentlemen.

A triumph for the institute.

Catherine, darling, you must understand. l said what l said in good faith.

Uncle Albert, that's not going to work this time.

Unfortunately, Catherine, this is the real thing.

Please, l go to the hospital.

Boys, please, it's just a little flutter.

Please, go out, see the comet.

Go get some girls.

Should we get one for you?

Ja, a redhead.

Stay, Edward.

Good-bye, boys.

Thanks for coming. l will see you all shortly.

Up there. lt will be okay in no time. l thought you said that time doesn't exist.

He said nothing.

You know, l always imagined heaven to be one enormous library.

Only you can't take out the books.

Oh, l need something from my trousers.

Oh, l'll get it. lt's in the left-hand pocket.

The left hand.

No, the other left hand.

What am l looking for?

Ja, that's it.

You found it. Thank you.

Bring it here, please.

Ja, my compass.

My memory is... of my father when l was five years old. l think l was sick in bed then, too.

He gave me this compass.

When l first held it in my hand, l was wonder-struck by what force, invisible and unfelt could be holding the needle.

Here, Edward, you take this so that you never lose your way.

And you keep your sense of wonder.

You both have good hearts.

Don't let your brain interfere with your heart.

l'd really love to talk, Ed.

Listen, Catherine, l never meant for this to get as crazy as it did. lf l've hurt you in any way l'm very sorry.

For one brief moment there l was actually taken seriously by some pretty... extraordinary people.

And that's never happened to me before. lt felt great. l just hope at some point that you can truly believe how extraordinary you are.

l'll miss you.

So what are you saying?

So what are you saying? lf we hadn't interfered they would have ended up together?

Everything affects everything. l believe everything will turn out fine.

Why?

Because l would rather be an optimist and a fool than a pessimist and right.

We're all fools.

We should have taken the elevator.

Boys, please.

You're going to wake up the nurses.

23 degrees up.

No, no, no. 24 degrees. lt would be 22 degrees down...

Please, just do it.

Why? Why?

A dying man's wish. ln time.

But since time doesn't exist...

What do you see? l see... l see the road to the observatory.

And, and?

And Catherine.

And?

She is going towards stargazers' field.

Wait a minute.

That's where Edward went.

Boy, if ever there was a time for an accident.

Sometimes, accidents need a little help.

God does not play dice with the universe but l will.

What kind of a thing is that?

What is that?

This is a transmitter.

Watch.

Wunderbar!

Oh!

Great.

Push it down.

Push it down.

Ah! No! l'm going to look at...

Please.

Enough! Enough already! l want her back in one piece.

What's happening now, Albert?

The motor has died.

She's turning off the road into stargazers' field.

Let me see!


Uh... it just happened.

Just boom!

Boom.

Do you believe in accidents?

No.


Oh.

This is so right.

This is the way l wanted to see it.

Have you ever heard of the Seven Sacred Pools? ln Hawaii?

Are you all right, Albert?

Ja, this is very good for my heart.

Oh, my god!

Look!

Look!

Hi, Daddy. l missed you.

This is Ed, the man l love.

Out of this world.

What's happening?


Wahoo.

Wahoo.