It's a Disaster (2012) Script

♪♪ [ "1812 Overture"]


♪♪ [ Continues]


♪♪ [ Finale Begins ]

♪♪ [ Ends] [Woman ] Oh! Oh!

[ Man ] What?

The song. The song?

The-The song— Uh, the "1812 Overture."

The-The finale from "1812 Overture."

Yeah. What about it?

Well,youjust— Itwas building to the big finale, andyou Cut it off right before it ended. Oh, God. I'm sorry.

Oh, no. Please don't be sorry. No, I-I'mjust being stupid.

It's— It'sjustthat whenevera song Comes on, ifit— ifit's building to, like, the big Chorus orwhatever, and ifit gets Cut off, then I feel unfulfilled psyChologiCally.

Oh. Huh.

You don't getthat?

Uh, I guess I haven't really thought about it.

You didn'twantto hear how it ended?

Well, I've heard it before. No, I'm sureyou have.

You didn'twantto hear it just now?

No— I mean,yeah. Sure. You want me to put it baCkon?

Oh, no, no. Please, no. Then we'd be sitting in a Car listening to a song— Guesswhat? I wantto hear it now. [ ChuCkles ]

[ Man On Radio] Maybe during our previous membership campaign, you stood on the sidelines and said "I'll waitto call in"— Right.Wewere listening to the radio.

The radio. Yeah, it's the radio.

[ Man On Radio] Wait no more.

There's a pledge drive right now.

We can go inside now. Oh, okay.Yeah.

[ Horn Honks ] Oh, couldyou— Oh, sorry. Uh— [ Horn Honks ]

[ Chirps ] All right.You have to— All right.

Yeah. [ Honks, Chirps ]

Thatshould do it. Ahh! Right.

Can I, uh, helpyou with it? No, no. I got it.

[ Honks ] Hope they like it.

Haveyou made it for brunch before?

Notvegan. No. Lexi's gonevegan, so everyone has to suffer.

And-And Lexi is, uh, Peter'swife? Lexi is Buck'swife.

Emma is Pete'swife.

Okay.Yes.

All right. [ Dog Barking ]

IfLexi and Buck startsinging songs, just nod and smile and pretend it's good. Okay. [ Chuckles ]

One more thing. Don't say anything about Shane and Hedy's wedding.

Who? Shane and Hedy.

Shane and Hedy— no wedding. Long story.

Okay.

Ohh!

♪♪ [ Stereo: Pop ] Hi.

Okay. Hi, hon.

Hi. So this is him?

Glenn. I'm Emma.

Hi. Ooh. Good choice.

Great. Come in, kids. Please.

Wow. This place is great. Thankyou.

Do you, uh, rent or own? We are proud homeowners.

We got it really cheap because there was a murder-suicide in the kitchen.

Oh, really? Yeah.

Technically, the couple died in the ambulance on the way to the hospital.

But the real estate agent said everybody else was spooked away.

Wow. Hello.

Hi. Hi. Hi. I'm Hedy.

This is Glenn. Glenn.

Glenn. Nice to meetyou. Nice to meetyou.

Can I, uh, take your coat? I'm putting it upstairs on the bed in the bedroom...

'cause sometimes the cats like to pee— And we've also hired her as our coat-check girl. Oh, congratulations.

Yeah. Good. Please remember to tip her. She gets real mad.

[ Chuckles ] I'm serious.

Do you want me to put that on the table? I'll just put it in the kitchen.

Jenny and Gordon aren't here yet.

We're not waiting for Jenny and Gordon to eat? No. We'll give them till 1 2:30.

'CauseJenny and Gordon are notoriously late. Oh. I got friends like that.

No, they're worse. [ Woman ] Tracy! Hey, hey, hey!

Oh, it's so good to see you.

Hey, how are you. Pete. Pete, Glenn.

Yeah. Glenn. Welcome to our humble abode. Oh, thanks. It's adorable.

Oh! I've heard so much aboutyou. Oh, thanks.

This is Lexi. Oh. Oh, the vegan.

The vegan? That's how she refers to me? I'm the vegan?

No. No, 'cause we were talking about the stew.

Oh. Shejust mentioned—Yeah.

Right. Honey, I told you you didn't have to make anything different.

I'd be fine. I didn't wantyou to feel left out.

If I didn't want to be left out, I wouldn't be a vegan, right?

Well, I made it, and it's delicious.

I'm not even hungry, so— It's really good.

You guys are so cute. Oh.

Oh, thanks for coming. Do you want a drink?

Uh, yes, please. [ Chuckles ]

[ Whispering ] Sorry about that.

Bring your soup? Uh, started as soup.

Oh, yes, I've been there. Um, babe, I putyour coat on the bed.

So wheneveryou're ready to put the phone away. I got it. Thanks.

Um, you've got, like, five minutes. No, I've 25 minutes.

We've been here for 1 5. It starts when we get here.

No, it starts when we were talking about it.

Babe, I'm in the middle ofan auction.

Can youjust say hi to Glenn? Human interaction.

Can I help you? No, I got it. Please, relax. Do you want a mimosa?

Okay. You sure that you don't need my help? Yeah, I got it.

Uh, Glenn, a mimosa? Know what?

I think Glenn looks like a man that appreciates the finer things in life.

How about a scotch? Uh, sure.

All right. These snap peas are the shit.

He's cute. Thanks.

Can you behave please? What? What did I do?

Literally, wejust walked in the door, and you're already picking a fight with me.

How is that different from every other time we see each other?

I'm on a date, and I'm trying to impress the man.

What number date is this, Tracy? Third.

Oh, wow. Ifwe make it to number five, we'll be golden.

What is that supposed to mean?

Just that usuallyyou cut them offbefore that. You check the scores?

I don't know. Are you online?

I'm on eBay. Why are you on eBay?

He's trying to get a comic book.

No, it's notjust a comic book. It's colorful.

Um, it's a near-mint X-Men, 1 20.

The first appearance ofAlpha Flight.

I have no idea what you're talking about. What is an Alpha Flight?

It's a Canadian superhero team from Marvel Comics.

There's a Canadian superhero team? [ Chuckles ]

Who do they fight— Quebec secessionists?

No. This guy has it on sale for five dollars, and it's worth over 1 60.

Whoa! Wait, 1 60 U.S.?

Wait. Where did you say thatyou met Glenn, at the hospital?

At the grocery store.

♪♪ [ Alt Rock ] Where'd you and Tracy meet?

Online. Well, no shame in that. That's where we found ourvet.

That's great. That's really good.

Yeah, it'll help you get through this. [ Chuckles ]

I'm sorry. What?

Couples' brunch. Oh, no. I'm looking forward to it.

Really? Yeah, sure.

Can I askyou a question, Glenn? Sure.

Ifyou had to call someone up, tell them some bad news, would you tell them right away orwould you chitchat first?

Chitchat. Yeah. You know, small talk. "Howyou doin'?"

No, I— "What's goin' on?"

I know. I know. "Nice weather. Just— It's crazy."

Right, right. No, um— Uh, well, I suppose it would depend on the severity ofthe bad news.

Hmm. What do you mean? Uh, well, if I'm calling to let somebody know that, um, you know, a family member passed away, then no chitchat.

I wouldn't beat around the bush with that. Right.

Um, but if I was calling to let them know that, uh, you know, they didn't get an apartment, then, yeah, chitchat.

Yeah, you know- Mmm.

Talk a little bit. You in the apartment rental business?

No. No, I'm a teacher.

So why do you call people and tell them they didn't get an apartment?

[ Chuckles ] I— I don't.

I'm sorry. I thought the conversation was hypothetical.

No, the conversation is real, Glenn.

The problem is hypothetical.

Oh. Yeah.

Hey. Are we gonna talk about this, or are you just gonna—

You need something? No, I'm okay.

I can't get a signal in there. Hmm.

You getting a signal? Hmm?

On your phone? Mmm.

Well, feel free to use my computer in the living room.

Oh, I don't want to interrupt brunch. Mmm.

I got nothing. Very considerate.

Um, well, the reception back here is pretty spotty.

You might want to try the front porch. Okay.

I can drink this out there? Yeah. Ofcourse you can. Whywould you— Weird.

Emma, we need to talk about this.

So Glenn agrees with me. About what?

That it's better tojust rip the Band-Aid off.

What did you tell him? I didn't tell him anything.

I just asked him a hypothetical question.

Well, he's not stupid, Pete. He's gonna know what you're asking for.

Wejust met the guy. How is he gonna have any idea what I'm asking for?

And how— how do we know he's not stupid?

[ Sighs ] We had an agreement.

Yeah, well, agreements change.

No, they don't. That's why they're agreements.

This is awkward. Well, deal with it.

Yeah. I'll deal with it.

[ Children Chattering, Laughing ]

[ Beeping ] Damn. I bet this game is so good too.

I got nothing. Me neither.

I'm with AT&T. How aboutyou? I have no idea.

But I will ask this young lady to use her phone. Mom, slow down.

No, I'm not at home. No, I'm not watching the news.

Excuse me, miss? Miss?

Hey, can I, uh, borrow your phone real quick?

I'm currently on the phone. Oh, okay. I'll wait.

What's his name? Could you not—

[ Siren Wailing ] What's his name?

Mom? No, I don't know. Some guy on the sidewalk. He's cute.

Could you not? Come on. He loves it.

One ofthem, kinda. I— Hey. Hey. Shit!

[ Scoffs ] Oh, can I— Miss?

All right, well, see ya.

Oh, God. I'm so allergic to dogs.

Next to the place where I get my pedicure... is this vintage store that opened up.

I knowyou guys think I have the worst fashion sense ever, but I did find— I like vintage. I found this really awesome bag.

[ Tracy ] Except for the mothballs. [ Hedy ] I thinkyou'd— I thinkyou'd really like it.

You usually hate the bags that I buy. An evening bag or a bag bag?

A bag bag. Do you want to come upstairs and see it?

Yeah. [ Sirens Wailing In Distance ]

I'll— I'll just be right back. [ Sirens Continues ]

[ Dog Barking In Distance ]

♪♪ [ Stereo: Rock ]

Mmm! Good carrots.

You want to see my glockenspiel?

Oh, you're, uh, referring to the musical instrument? Yes.

[ Chuckles ] What else would I be referring to?

No, I don't— Uh, 'cause—Yeah.

Tracy had mentioned that, uh, you and Buck, uh, perform. Oh, yeah.

We perform all right.

Ifyou behave yourself at brunch today, maybe we'll letyou tap it.

[ Chuckles ]

♪♪ [ Continues ]

[ iPhone Clicks ]

Do you bump? [ Typing ]

Hmm? Excuse me? Bump. It's an app.

Oh, yeah. Oh, the thing with the-the information sharing.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You want to try it?

Yeah. I'm not sure what, uh, how that works.

Uh— This one? Okay.

Okay.

Uh, all right. I don't thinkyou have to actually hit it.

Hmm. I'm not getting any signal at all.

No connection. Awkward. All right— Ohh! Ohh!

[ Clatters On Floor ] I said you don't have to—

[ Laughs ]

What is goin' on here?

Are you guys bumping? We were bumping.

Glennzo, are you bumping mywife behind my back? What's going on here?

Their screens aren't even protected. That is gross. Oh, Glenn.

Ooh, is that hummus? Yes. Vegan, yes. Uh, where's Hedy and Tracy?

They are upstairs in the bedroom eating each other out.

[ Laughs ]

You ever seen BlackSwan, Glenn? [ Giggles ]

I told you it's so big. It's super big. But there's so many flaps.

The flapsjust get in the way. [ Hedy ] I know whatyou mean.

[ Laughing ] You're like— Did I say something funny? Why? What happened?

Uh— Uh, Lexi had made ajoke, uh, that, uh, you and Hedywere upstairs in the bedroom... having a lesbian relationship. [ Lexi ] Yeah!

[ Laughing ]

It sounds so gross when he says it.

Lesbian. Oh, that one. What? It would be hot.

So, uh, Glenn, what do you do? He is a teacher.

[ Glenn ] Yes. Oh, my God. Me too.

Tracy didn't tell you that? I, uh— She's a teacher. I didn't— Notyet.

What grade do you teach? Uh, fourth. History. And you?

Um, 1 2th. Mostly A.P. chemistry.

But now this semester, they're letting me do a little bit ofconceptual physics.

Sorry. [ Glenn ] Oh, boy.

What are you— an animal?

So what school are you at?

St. Andrew's Elementary. Is that the one by the mall?

[ Glenn ] Yes. She loves the mall.

Oh, it's fun. I love the mall.

[ Emma ] It's a good school. What school do you— I'm at M.L.K. downtown. Oh, I thought they closed that down after the shooting. No?

No. They tried, but they didn't succeed... because some ofus teachers got together and we rallied and we got a charter.

So— And it actually made me a bit ofan administrator on campus.

You didn't tell me that. But it's an un— They're unpaid. Unpaid administrators.

Yeah, but it's not about the money, baby.

If it was about the money, I would have taken thejob at the National Science Foundation.

Right? Am I right? Right. Right, yeah.

Yeah. I'm right.

Emma, I'm sorry to do this, but this isn't working.

Are you still cool with me using your computer? Yeah. Go for it, totally.

No, come on. What? What?

Do you have to do that right now? Babe, I'm dying here right now.

Okay? I mean, you remember the guy... who found the Declaration of Independence for five dollars at a garage sale?

You're not the guy who found the Declaration of Independence.

I'm about to though. And I don't know what's going on, all right?

Shane, as long as you're disrupting the brunch, I would like to vote we go in there and check out the score on the game.

No. We have it on the DVR. Just watch it when we get home.

It's not like watching the game live. Hey, guys. Guys, seriously.

[ Shane ] I don't care. I think the men would all agree that, uh, we'd love to go in there and check on the score ofthe game.

[ Buck ] I would second that. Glennzo?

Score ofwhat game? The U.T. game.

Hook 'em, Horns. [ Glenn ] Oh, right. Right.

No, that's the devil sign. [ Laughing ]

You guys go watch the fucking game already. Yes, please.

Great idea. [ Lexi ] Yeah. Sure. Let's eat. Have fun, honey.

Lexi, I'm not gonna resist a lady's offer. [ Chuckles ]

Come on. No.

Great.

Glenn, you'd better go. It's gonna get all vaginal in here.

Okay. All right. New word, please. She can't say the V-word.

No, I can say it. I know it's— [ Laughs ]

I can say it. I just— You can go.

Is it okay? Um, is it okay to go? Oh, yeah, yeah.

Okay. I just wanted to—

[ Static ] [ Lexi ] Bye, Glenn.

He's so cute.

Hejust asked for your permission to get up.

He's so cute. I'm gonna introduce him to my father.

[ Laughs ] Okay. Wait.

I want to know what happened to Brad.

It turned out he was fucking crazy.

What? Right.

Brad didn't seem crazy.

What do you mean "right?" How can every guy you ever date... turn out to be crazy? Theyjust do. I don't know. I really know how to pick 'em.

Glenn doesn't seem crazy. Are you saying it's me?

No, no. What was crazy about him? How was he crazy?

Perfect example. I needed some mouthwash.

So I'm at his apartment, and I open the medicine cabinet, and there are giant glassjars ofnail clippings and human hair.

Ew! Wait, that's not crazy.

His or someone else's? Does it even matter?

Yeah, it might to theJustice Department.

Well, I asked him about it, and he said, "I don't know. That'sjust how I was raised."

Well, that makes sense. No, that's not right.

Wait. Whoa! Whoa! He doesn't know any different.

It's disgusting. Whywere you looking for mouthwash at his apartment?

Oh, wejust went right over that part, didn't we?

Because I am a lady, and I like to have fresh breath.

What? It'sjust— All right.

[ Pete ] Do you have picture? [ Buck ] Nope. Notyet.

Hey, who's, uh— Who's this other guy in the picture with Tracy?

That's, uh— Brent?

No, that's Roger.

Oh, that is Roger. Yeah.

Yeah. He was a good guy. I liked him.

[ Buck ] He was cool. [ Shane ] Yeah, that was short-lived though.

Hey, guys, I don't mean to freakyour minds out, but I have $65 riding on the game today.

[ Pete Whistles ] Hey, uh, Glenn?

No need to tell the ladies that, all right?

Yeah. Right.

[ Shane ] Pete, your Internet's out too.

What? Yeah, well, one thing at a time.

Uh, Pete, how long y'all been married?

Eightyears.

Lexi and I actually met at theirwedding.

She was a bridesmaid, and I was in the band.

And he was told not once but twice by the wedding planner... to stop fraternizing with the guests. Yeah.

And rules are made to be broken, dude.

If I hadn't broken your stupid rules, where would I be today?

Probably someplace where the Internet's working.

And how long have you and Lexi been married?

Eightyears.

But I thoughtyou said— Butyou met at the— Sang on a Saturday, sexed on a Sunday, married on Monday.

It's true.

Dude, look, when I met Lexi, I knew that she was the one and that we would be perfect together.

And we didn't give a shit what our parents or sponsors... or anybody else had to say about it.

We marched on down to city hall, and we laid it to rest.

That's great. Congratulations. She seems like a great gal.

Then we went to a T.G.I. Fridays, got wasted, consummated in the bathroom.

Yeah.

There—That— That place is fun.

How long have you and Hedy been—

I, uh— Oh, uh, no, we're not married, uh, yet. We're engaged.

Oh, great, great, great. How long you been engaged?

Uh, sixyears.

You've been engaged for sixyears?

Yeah.Just 'cause two people get engaged... doesn't mean they have to get married right away.

No, no. Ofcourse— And there's no need to succumb to pressures...

-just 'cause society says you should. Totally agree with— I think thatyou should set the date when the time is right.

You know, when both people are secure in their careers... and can afford a nice home and, uh, you want to start a family.

Yeah, and cars can fly. What was that?

Huh? I think, uh— I think Hedy's getting pretty close to setting a date.

Oh, yeah. Yes.

Oh, you're the one who's— Oh.

Oh, I mean, it's notyou. It's—What I meant— Well, you know how, uh, traditionally, the-the— [ Stammering ]

Uh, hey, where is the— Yeah. Restroom.

Oh, sure. Sure. It's upstairs to the left.

Upstairs to the left. To the left.

What's traditionally?

Hey, don't forget tojiggle the handle. It'll just keep running.

You shouldjust maybe change the channel. Maybe it'sjust the one station.

No, I really tried everything.

Uh, did somebody forget to pay the cable bill this month?

It's not that. We have the whole bundle, package thing.

Internet, TV, land line.

[ Beeping Tone ] Who still has a land line?

It's for faxing. Who still faxes?

The guywho owns this TV still faxes.

Got nothing here. That makes sense, yeah.

[ Beeping Continues ] Are you fucking kidding me?

[ Scoffs ] [ Handset Settles In Cradle ]

[ Lexi ] We're walking out ofthe place, and this guy comes up to us, and he's, like, "Do you want some blow?"

As ifhe had heard us talking about it inside! Like an angel or something.

No, I think they're called drug dealers. [ Laughs ]

So we gave him a hundo, and he hooked us up with some primo shit.

We hung out with the white lady till, like, 7:30.

Wait. When was this? Last night.

Are you kidding? No.

Did you sleep? No. I'll sleep when I'm— Well, you're gonna sleep when you're dead.

How many times do we have to tell you how bad cocaine is foryou?

All your little angels shot down.

You'd think I'd stop telling my drug stories to doctors and chemistry teachers.

Yeah, you'd think, but then you still do it.

And ifyou want to sing, it's gonna fuck up yourwhole nasal cavity.

Really? You didn't pay the bills?

What are you talking about? You knewyou were moving out, so you didn't pay the bills.

What? What?

I paid the bills like I pay them every month... because you're too lazy to do it.

Well, then why is our Internet, cable and land line out?

Who has a land line? It's for faxing.

Emma, why are you moving out?

Do you honestly think that I am so childish that, what?

I would purposely sabotage your new bachelor pad? Yeah.

I thinkyou'd think it's hilarious.

I betyou didn't pay the electric bill because you thought it would be funny... if I bumped into shit in the dark.

I paid the goddamn electric bill. [ Electricity Zaps ]

♪♪ [ Stops ]

[ Sirens Wailing In Distance ] [ Chuckles ]

I had nothing to do with this. Ofcourse not.

Hey, bro, I thinkyour power's out. Yeah, you fucking think?

Whoa, whoa, whoa. They're fighting.

The electric company? Don't waste your time, man. It's not worth it.

Emma, why are you moving out?

Whoa, wait. Emma's moving out?

That's what she said. Why?

Well, ask her. Why?

I never said I was moving out. I did.

So you're moving out? No, I said that Emma's moving out.

[ Together ] Why?

God! Because we're getting a divorce!

[ Sirens Wailing In Distance ]

I thoughtyou wanted to wait until the end ofbrunch.

Oh, well, I guess someone let the cat out ofthe fucking bag... when he revealed I was moving out.

So you really didn't pay the electric bill? No, I paid the fucking bill!

You guys know the power's out, right?

Yes! [ Together ] We know!

Did I miss something? Pete and Emma are getting a divorce.

Really? Why?

Okay. You know what?

This is not how this was supposed to go down. Yeah.

We wanted to wait until the end ofbrunch to tell you, but we'vejust decided that it's what's right.

That's reallyvague. [ Emma ] Well, it's complicated, Lexi.

Marriage is complicated. You know that.

So it's a mutual thing. [ Pete ] Yeah.

It's not like one ofus caught the other one cheating or anything.

This isn't happening. No, you're not getting a divorce.

No, you'll still see us, okay? Just not together.

Well, you know, maybe physically together, but not together together.

But what we don't want is people picking sides.

We reallywant to remain close friends with all ofyou.

Yeah. Unless some ofyou feel very strongly about one ofus over the other.

Tracy, for instance, ifyou want to stay in touch with Emma and completely shut me out ofyour life, I'd understand. No, Pete, I would never.

Just, you know, think about it. You don't need to make a decision now.

So does this mean brunch is over? Do you want us to leave?

Shane, theyjust told us they're getting a divorce, and you're still thinking about Alpha Force? Alpha Flight.

I honestly didn't know iftheywant us to leave, because I have a feeling it's about to get a little uncomfortable.

Oh, do you have that feeling?

Which is exactlywhy I wanted to wait until afterwe ate to bring this up.

[ Sighs ] You know what?

He's right. It is about to get uncomfortable.

But I'll be the one who's leaving.

[ Mouthing Words ] [ Sighs ]

[ Sighs ]

[ Water Gurgling ]

Oh, hey, I think the power's out. Shut the fuck up, Glenn!

I am so sorry. I didn't mean that.

I'm under a lot ofstress right now, and I'm taking it out on you.

Glenn, you got to jiggle the handle. Oh. Oh!

Oh, did you suddenly want to talk in private now?

Emma, come on. You can't leave.

How many times are we gonna have this conversation?

No, right now. You can't leave right now. [ Sirens Wailing ]

This is the last time we're all gonna be together like this. [ Sirens Blaring ]

The last ofour famous couples' brunches.

Have you ever, in the last eightyears— No. You know what? Let's go farther back when we were dating.

So let's say 1 2 years. Have you ever in the last 1 2 years... truly looked forward to one ofthese couples' brunches?

[ Sirens Wailing, Blaring ]

Well, what do you mean "look forward to"?

Look, Emma, you didn't even pack any socks.

Well, I'll buy more. Where are you gonna go?

It doesn't matter.

Maybe, uh— No, she's not supposed— That's not the point.

The point is that she— Or toothpaste.

I'll get them at the same store where socks are sold. Emmers, wait!

Don't call me that.

Um, enjoy my quiche. [ Sirens Wailing In Distance ]

[ Screams ]

What?

Um, there's a— There's a man— A man? He's wearing a hazmat suit.

[ Knocking ]

It's Hal.

What? [ Shane ] Who's Hal?

He's our neighbor. Does he always wear a hazmat suit?

What does Hal want? [ Emma ] I don't know.

Is there a reason to be afraid of Hal? No, he's nice.

I mean, he doesn't mow his lawn enough, but I don't— Can I suggest that maybe we let him in... and then we can find out what he wants from his mouth?

[ Knocking ]

[ Door Closes ]

Pete.

Hey, Hal.

Emma.

Hey, Hal.

You guys having a party?

It's brunch.

Oh, that's cool.

I guess I missed my invite.

It's a couples thing.

Oh. Oh, okay. So I invite you guys to all my game nights, my barbecues, but since Linda left me, I guess I don't even socialize anymore.

No, Hal, we didn't— No, we never intended to— I mean— Hal. Hal, why are you wearing a hazmat suit?

Are you kidding?

You really don't know you're wearing a hazmat suit?

You guys haven't heard? Heard what?

That a bunch ofdirty bombs were set offdowntown.

Uh, what's a dirty bomb, bro?

It's a radiological weapon.

It combines radioactive material and conventional explosives.

I'm sorry. Is this like— Are youjoking?

No. I was watching the U.T. game, and the news cut in.

You guys didn't notice that the power and the cell phones and land lines all went out?

Youjust thoughtyou forgot to payyour bill?

Wait. So how many bombs? What was the blast radius?

Five or six. It was right downtown.

Oh, my God. It took out half the financial district.

Most of Messenier Park. Oh, I love that park.

God, I hope the taffy guy is okay.

That's like— That's like 1 2 miles away.

If five or six- Yeah. Then the national news cut in.

They said there were attacks on Los Angeles, New York, Orlando.

And they were about to say more, but the TV cut out.

Orlando? Someone thinks Orlando is on par with New York and Los Angeles?

Did they say who did set them off?

Were there any ships or— Ships? You know, were the attackers not of this earth?

Anyway, the radiation cloud is probably coming.

So I would recommend that you guys probably tape up your windows, close the air vents, put on your hazmat suits.

Who the fuck has a hazmat suit? Yeah.

I have a hazmat suit.

Hal, ifwe're supposed to stay inside, then what are you doing here?

Batteries in my emergency flashlight died, so I was gonna see ifyou had any extras.

What kind of batteries? [ Chuckles ]

"D" batteries.

I don't— What do you even use "D" batteries for?

Emergency flashlights.

Do you want to check?

We don't have any. Yeah. No.

Okay. Well, you guys enjoy your couples-only brunch.

Yeah, wait, wait, wait. You can't just leave us here like this.

Yeah, I can.

So that just happened. [ Chuckles ]

Whoa! That was awesome! What the fuck? Who is that dude?

It's finally going down.

It's going to be fine. I just need my Adderall.

Well, I guess I'm not going anywhere.

Okay. Uh, all right. Uh, we heard what he said. Right?

We need to secure the house. Okay, you don't actually believe that guy, do you?

He's probablyjust huffing some paint fumes in his garage... and making this up to screw with us.

No, it makes sense. It's Invasion 1 01 .

You cut off all lines of communication to keep the locals confused.

Radio! If this is for real, it'll be all over the radio.

What about the one my mom got us for Christmas?

No. I sold that at a garage sale. What? Why?

Because we already have a clock by the bed, and that one was really ugly.

-When did we have a garage sale? -I had one when you were in Singapore for your convention.

You had a garage sale when I was out of town? I did! You keep everything!

Another radio? Guys, do you have another radio?

Is there another radio besides that one?

How about some of us look for a radio... and the rest of us gather supplies so we can seal up the house?

And if some of us just want to chill, that's— that's cool too.

Break!

[ Sighs ] I'll keep an eye on the window.

Okay.

[ Sirens Wailing In Distance ]

When was the last time we cleaned this? This is ridiculous.

Oh, my God. "D" batteries. Oops.

You guys have enough rat poison down here to kill Chuck E. Cheese.

What is the deal? Costco is the deal.

Ohh! No. No?

Oh, sweet! You found a radio!

[ Grunts ] Check it out.

[ Sighs ]

I don't think that's gonna help out in our current situation.

Can we just focus on the task at hand?

What if a bunch of marauders come and we need to whack them with something?

[ Crash ]

Hedy?

God! There's so much spackling tape! Hey. Hey.

It's gonna be all right.

Hey, why didn't you tell me?

About what? About the divorce.

Is this really the time to be having his conversation?

Hedy!

Oh.

How long have you known? I don't know. A couple of months.

A couple months? Yeah. Well, divorce is complicated... and it takes a lot of research.

You have to be legally separated. You have to fill out all these forms.

There's just— There's a lot of bureaucratic bullshit.

So then you knew when we had our— Yes, of course I did.

Nah. That's cool.

Holy crap. Are you disappointed?

You're disappointed. Eh.

What? You get, like, more philandering points or something... if the woman's happily married? It's not that.

It's just less of a challenge.

It's like when you're bowling, and they put the things in the gutter.

You're unbelievable.

Shane.

Hey. I think you need to go and help Hedy out.

With what? She's in shock.

We're all in shock, Tracy. No, no, no.

Like shock shock. Like real shock.

Okay. I'll be there in a minute.

Look, we need to talk. Wait. What? Why?

I don't know ifyour apathetic attitude is some sort of coping mechanism... due to the stress at hand, which is fine.

Dude, no stress. None of this shit is real.

Is anyone infected? Infected with what?

With whatever's out there.

But we don't know what's out there.

And that's exactly what's scaring me.

I mean, how many times have you seen on the news... that someone thought, like, a weather balloon was a U.F.O.... or a bear was a giant Sasquatch?

Just because the media reports something— [ Can Rattling ] doesn't make it true.

Don't even get me started on the supposed "moon landing."

Have you seen any bite marks, scrapes?

No? Uh— All right, well, just— Ifyou see anyone acting weird, you let me know.

Weirder than you're acting right now?

We might have to make some tough decisions.

Okay.

I'm gonna go check on Hedy.

Thanks. I appreciate that.

God! I don't even know what we're looking for.

Duck tape. Duct tape.

That's what I said.

Oh, yeah? Say it again.

Duck tape.

Duct.

Duct tape. With a "T."

It's for sealing ducts.

You just blew my mind.

Maybe you're right. Maybe this is a hoax. I hope it's a hoax.

But the wise thing to do is let's get a radio, find out for sure. All right?

Whatever floats your boat. Well, that floats my boat.

Okay. Well, I can't remember the last time I bought a radio, except for my car.

Ow.

Hey, uh, where are your car keys?

Huh? Your keys.

Where you goin', Glenn? Nowhere. I just need your keys.

It's the... flamingo key chain.

Well, there's— there's two here.

It's the bluish one. Emma and I used to— There's blue on both of these.

Yeah. They're both to the same car.

But this is hilarious. Em and I used to have this thing... where we'd stop by every photo booth and get pictures of-

[ Laughs ] There's—

[ Sirens Continue ]

[ Exhales ]

Hey.

What's up?

I, uh, saw you talking to Glenn.

Yeah.

What do we know about that guy?

He's a teacher. He likes scotch.

Can he be trusted? With my car keys?

When the shit goes down.

The shit.

Pete, things are gonna degrade very quickly.

The rules of society are gonna break down, and your life is gonna be in the hands of the people you can trust.

Okay.

Do you have any weapons?

Weapons? Guns, mace, crossbows.

Uh— Actually, I have some Chinese throwing stars... that my uncle brought back from Dallas.

Yeah? Pretty sharp, so—

Oh, these are nice.

[ Metallic Ringing ]

All right.

Let's just keep this between us.

Okay.

[ Squealing ] Oh!

Hi, Glenn.

[ Sighs ]

Are we going somewhere? No.

You know, I lost my virginity in a Saab. [ Seat Belt Buckles ]

This isn't a Saab. Just making conversation.

Where'd you lose your virginity, Glenn?

♪♪ [ Stereo: Pop ] Oh, I love this song.

♪ I need to get out and find the love of my life ♪ How do you make it go to the radio?

♪ Things can get so good ♪ Lexi.

[ Beeping ]

"No user is connected"? What— Must be a satellite subscription. Satellite?

Satellite radio. 200 commercial-free channels for 1 5 bucks a month.

There's this new agey one I really like.

It's called The Chakra.

Oh, Glenn, where are you going?

Should I take off my belt?

[ Beeps ] ♪ Things can get so good— ♪♪

[ Car Alarms Blaring In Distance ]

[ Car Alarms Blaring ]

We should go camping soon, dude.

We haven't been camping together in years.

I'm gonna organize it. I'll set it up.

Cool.

[ Sighs ]

I don't see anything.

Radiation's usually invisible. No, no.

People. I don't see anyone.

[ Exhales ] I don't even see dogs.

What kind of neighborhood doesn't have dogs?

Dogs don't usually roam around neighborhoods... unless they're with people.

But squirrels— I'm not seeing any squirrels.

I don't know. I don't know, Shane.

Hey, where did you find those?

In a shoe box underneath the bed.

Oh.

So, what do you want to do— cut each strip in half?

Two pictures each? [ Sighs ]

No. You can keep them.

You don't have a subscription to your satellite radio?

Yeah, we do. No. I let it lapse.

You did? Yeah.

I've just been listening to my iPod and podcasting.

You only have satellite radio? Yeah. Paid extra for it.

You paid extra for less features?

That guy at Stereo Town totally swindled me.

Told you not to go to Stereo Town. It's close.

Closest is always best. You went to Stereo Town?

How long would it take for a full-blown mutation to occur?

A mutation ofwhat?

Human beings. Never.

No, um— No, no. Mutation.

Mutation mutation.

Okay, now you're just repeating the same word.

Nuclear mutation.

Assuming the debris was radioactive, exposure to the fallout would only cause D.N.A. mutations... in inherited genes, so only children of those exposed would be affected.

In which case, the deformities would be horrific.

But, no, they wouldn't be mutants.

I don't think you understand what I'm asking.

I'll just explain it later.

[ Glenn ] You just have a choice between more genres.

No, but I get— Hey, duct tape.

Did you say duct tape or duck tape?

What? Duct tape. With a "T"?

Yeah. Holy shit.

Am I the only person that doesn't know this?

Everyone focus up here, all right?

No dice on the radio.

So I think we should seal up all the cracks in the house.

No outside air should get in at all.

Right, Hedy?

Well, there's only one roll.

One-man job, so— Uh, oh. I'll— I'll do it.

Good man, Glennzo.

We should close up all the air vents too. I was just about to say that.

Buck, you mind taking care of that? You're the tallest.

I'm on it, boss. [ Lexi ] Guess what?

Everyone, I have a surprise. Come with me.

[ Footsteps Thumping On Stairs ]

No, guys, I'm actually serious. I found something. Come on.

Right here. Pete, focus.

Okay, all right.

Close your eyes. No.

Close your eyes. Come on, come on.

No peeking!

Nope.

Are you ready? Yes. Yep.

Drumroll, please! No!

Ta-da!

Oh, my God. I forgot about that. A monkey?

No, no. It's a radio. I just— It hit me.

I remembered singing in the shower here to "Louie Louie" once.

Nice sense memory. Gracias.

Wait. What did you just say?

Gracias. No, you said you remember... singing in the shower here to "Louie Louie" once.

Yeah. When?

What? When did you take a shower here?

It was a long time ago?

No, I'm sorry. Let me rephrase the question, Lexi.

Why did you take a shower here?

Pete? You want to help Lexi out with this question?

Okay, guys, we cannot turn on each other right now.

That's exactly what the enemy wants.

I'm in agreement.

What's everybody doing— Is that a radio? Have you tried it?

[ Emma ] Not yet. Why not?

'Cause I just found out... that my husband is fucking my best friend.

Best friend?

Okay, let's put a pin in that for now, why don't we, and find out if this works and ifwe're gonna live or d—

[ Radio Clicks On ] [ Static ]

Oh, thank God it works. [ Emergency Broadcast Tone ]

[ Woman ] One, seven, nine, one, one, eight, eight, two-

It's like Lost. Shh!

...Emergency Broadcast System.

Please stay in your homes as first responders... address the areas within the initial blast zone.

This is not— This is real. [ Continues, Indistinct ]

...United States Air Force, five, five, zero.

Please stay in your homes and take proper precautions.

Depending on your distance to the blast radius and toxicity levels—

[ Gasps, Inhales ] first responders— Tracy, you're a first responder. Shouldn't you go? ...four to five days.

I— [ Scoffs ] I'm not on call today.

We need to get the fuck outta here.

What part of "stay in your homes" do you not understand?

This isn't my home.

We can take up the semantics of possessive pronouns next week.

First of all, we don't even know if that signal was from our side.

And, four to five days. Do you know how long that is?

Yes.

Ifwe stay in here for four to five days, to go out and form motorcycle gangs, loot and pillage all the good canned goods and shotguns.

We're gonna go out. All we're gonna find is refried beans and motor scooters.

I liked motor scooters. Oh, shut up.

[ Hedy ] Hey!

Can I have some scotch?

Ab-Absolutely, Hedy. Help yourself.

Hedy.

[ Continues, Indistinct ]

Hedy, Hedy, Hedy.

Okay, we need to make a plan.

A plan? Yeah, yeah.

Me and you— that's all that matters right now.

Tracy could be an asset 'cause she's a doctor.

And maybe Buck knows how to work a rifle.

But I don't know if that's just some mental association I'm making... because his name is Buck.

Do have a rifle? No, no. We're gonna get one.

There's a guns-and-ammo store down at Duvall Street right by the T.C.B.Y.

Oh, yeah. I love that place. I know. I know. It's great.

Right now, we need to make a break for the car and hightail it outta here.

My uncle has that cabin in—

I'm gonna— I'm gonna go get a drink.

That's my plan.

Drink plenty ofwater. Get as much water as you can, babe. All right?

[ Sirens Wailing In Distance ]

Oh, God.

Hey. Look who's up and at 'em.

I'm just closing up the vents so we don't die.

You know, I actually used to work... at an air-conditioning place in high school.

And get this. The guy who ran the place was named A.C.

[ Chuckling ] A.C. ran an A.C. shop.

Do you think that when we die, we have to wear the clothes we died in for all of eternity?

No way. I bet we get those kickin' white robes... like you see in the old cartoons.

I look awful in white.

Maybe Emma would let me borrow some sweats.

I bet you get a sweet-ass harp too.

[ Sirens Continue, Louder ]

Hmm. [ Laughs ]

Do you have any idea how many human beings... are estimated to have lived and died on Earth... throughout all of time?

I have absolutely no idea.

1 06 billion. Wow.

Yeah. So what you're saying is that when we die, we're going to a place where 1 06 billion people... are sitting around playing the harp.

That would be really fucking annoying.

Well, maybe heaven is what you make it in your mind.

No.

♪♪ [ Stereo: Country Rock ]

♪♪ [ Continues ]

Can I come in? No.

I wanna talk about this. I don't.

Please, can I come in? No.

It didn't mean anything, Emmers.

I told you not to call me that.

It happened after we'd already decided to go through with the divorce.

I thought it was over. It is over.

And it doesn't make it okay.

[ Helicopter Whirring In Distance ]

[ Helicopter Approaching ]

[ Glass Rattling ]

[ Shane ] I can't see anything.

It's probably helicopters.

Yeah, but are they ours or theirs?

We still don't even know who "they" is.

They "are"? [ Scoffs ] They "is."

They are. Fuck this.

I'm gonna get outta here, take a look around. No, no, no! Shane!

You guys, don't even try to stop me. No! No!

I got him! I wanna see what's out there!

Curiosity killed the cat, Shane!

And in this case, the cat died a slow and painful death from radiation poisoning.

[ Knocking ]

[ Woman ] Hello?

Gordon and Jenny. -Jenny and Gordon.

Oh!

[ Gasps ] Oh, shit.

They look terrible. I like Jenny's jacket though.

Hey, Jenny! I like yourjacket!

Thanks. Hey, uh, could you guys let us in?

What's going on out there?

It's bad. It's real bad.

Can you be more specific?

[ Exhales ] I've seen things.

Could you maybe name one thing?

[ Coughing ] Look, Gordon isn't doing so well.

Do you think you could let us in, please?

Um, actually we can't...

'cause we already duct-taped the door.

Well, can't you just re-tape it?

But ifwe let you guys in, you'll infect us all, so— I'm a doctor. I don't make this shit up.

[ Coughing ] We're not gonna last out here.

Well, maybe you should learn to show up to things on time.

Huh? Is that what this is about?

Every brunch, Jenny. Every brunch.

It's just really inconsiderate.

We really tried to make it here on time. No, you didn't.

You didn't think about punctuality... or how it affects other people's lives.

Some people make dishes that are hot... and meant to be served... at the designated eating time agreed upon.

You're still mad about that thing with Claudio, aren't you?

Let's not rehash old wounds, Jenny.

You've got much bigger problems now.

It was New Year's Eve, Tracy. It just happened.

Who— Who is Claudio?

[ Thud, Groan ]

Open the door, Tracy. Tracy! Okay, bye now.

That was some cold shit, Tracy. Yeah.

Was it? I thought it was kind of harsh.

No. It's us or them.

And judging by their rapid cellular deterioration, the toxicity level must be pretty dense and fast acting.

But radiation usually takes weeks to— It's not radiation.

The emergency broadcast said V.X.

As in V.X. nerve gas.

As in... the most toxic chemical weapon ever synthesized.

[ Crunching ]

That's not good, is it?

No. It's not good.

[ Shane ] Holy shit.

That's the stuff from The Rock.

Well, babe, what does this mean for us?

It means we're all gonna be dead... in, like, three hours.

What'd I miss?

[Jets Roaring Overhead ]

♪♪ [ Rock, Muffled ]

Jesus, how many times have we been in this position?

Terrorist attack?

We don't know it's terrorists.

Yeah, well, I'll take the over on that one.

I mean, literally, how many times have we been in this position?

You locked in someplace, me leaning against the door trying to get you to let me in.

If I had a nickel. Right?

[ Window Motor Whirs ]

Pete, there's something I need to tell you.

What? I—

[ Gasps, Coughs ]

Ooh. Hey! Hey.

Is it cool if I finish this off?

Yeah, sure. Yeah. Yeah.

Thanks. Oh, one more thing.

Um, it's not radiation. It's a chemical weapon.

And Hedy's pretty sure we're all gonna be dead in a few hours.

Just F.Y.I.

♪♪ [ Continues ]

What did she just say?

[ Floorboards Creak ]

Hey there, stranger.

Oh. Hey, Lexi.

Um, ifyou don't mind, I just wanted to, uh, get a little alone time, if that's okay.

Well, Glenn, ifwishes were horses, it'd be Christmas every day.

[ Sighs ] Hedy's right.

We should probably live these last few moments on earth to the fullest.

Am I right? So you believe her now?

Well, either way, I say we get nuts.

Knock, knock. Oh, hi.

What's going on in here? I was just doing some stretching.

I was leaving. I was taking off. No, no, no, no. Glenn, stay.

No, no. You probably want to be alone. No, no. I insist.

All right, I was— Have a seat, buddy.

I— Okay. I'd just come in for a little alone time.

Thanks, honey. Oh, a little alone time with Lexi?

[ Stammering ] Lexi just walked in. Shejust came in.

I was in here trying to clear my head.

What is Tracy up to? What's she doing down there?

Glenn, you ever been married?

Uh, no, I have not. Hmm.

I don't— How old are you?

Uh, well, my license says 42. Do you know why... most marriages in this country end in divorce, Glenn?

Uh— [ Stammering ] There's a number of reasons— Because of inequalities within the marriage. That's one of the reasons.

One spouse has more money or more friends, or one spouse has amorous feelings... for someone outside the marriage.

That's when it becomes important for the couple to communicate, I think.

Because that's the key to a good relationship. But, Glenn, Lexi and I... are the poster children for the perfect marriage.

Oh, thanks. You don't have to tell me that.

I see the love in your hearts. And do you know why?

Do you know why, Glenn? You love each other.

You're so... forgiving. Because we share. We share everything.

We split everything 50-50— That's good.

Right up the middle.

Oh, no, no, no. Oh, no, no.

No, no, no! Glenn. Oh, Glenn.

Absolutely not! Just try it.

Absolutely not! Don't freak out.

Absolutely not! It's only fair now. We're stuck.

So rude!

Oh, baby. Damn it.

I was too aggressive. I get so aggressive. No, honey.

We're gonna get it right. We'll get it right.

Who has access to V.X. gas?

The Iranians.

But why would the Iranians want to mess with the United States?

Who gives a shit, Shane?

Can you open that for me?

You don't wanna know who did this to us?

Does it matter? It matters to me.

If I'm gonna be murdered, I'd like to know by whom out of common courtesy.

[ Phone Rings ]

It's the land line. [ Ringing ]

Are you gonna get it?

The phone lines must be on line.

Hello?

[ Man ] Hi. May I speak to Pete Mandrake?

Uh, who is this?

This is John with Liberty Financial. What?

I'm calling with an exclusive one-time offer— It's John from Liberty Financial.

Yeah, I might be interested, but where are you calling from?

I'm calling from the Liberty Financial call center.

What the fuck is going on out there? I'm sorry. I— Where are you calling from?

[ Filipino Accent ] Manila.

Manila, Philippines? YES.

Do you not know what's going on out there?

What do you mean? Isn't this on TV over there?

Our television is not on, sir. Turn the TV on!

[ Airplanes Whooshing ] Hey, Mikey. Mikey.

They have a television. Open the TV.

This guys says something on.

[ Speaking Filipino ]

Just turn it on, man.

Oh, holy shit! What is it?

Holy shit, man! Is that the Golden Gate Bridge?

What happened to the Golden Gate Bridge?

Or is that the Bay Bridge? I get them confused. What happened to either bridge?

Oh, man, this is fucked up. What does it look like?

It looks like they— [ Line Clicks, Beeping ] Hello.

Hello? [ Tapping Plunger ]

[ Beeping Tone Continues ] Nothing.

Man, telemarketers call at the worst time.

Mmm.

[ Sighs ]

[ Door Opens ] [ Exhales ]

Oh, hey.

Oh. [ Hedy Groans ]

Uh— [ Urinating ]

Do you want me to leave? No. I don't give a fuck.

Um— What are you doing in here, Glenn?

Just hangin' out, trying to get a little... peace of mind.

Mmm, yeah. I see. What are you doing?

Peeing. Right. Right.

[ Sighs ] [ Seat Slams ]

Guess I don't have to flush.

[ Sighs ]

[ Pill Cases Clattering ]

What are you doing?

Well, if I'm goin' out, I'm going out riding the snake.

♪♪ [ Piano, Classical ]

You found music.

Actually, I think it's, um, automated.

No. I believe this is Beethoven.

How are you holding up?

You know, I never went to Europe.

Never. Not once.

I— I never even went to Montreal, which I hear is very European.

I never went scuba diving.

I never went to the ballet.

I've never been in love.

[ Sobbing ] I've never even watched The Wire.

All of those things are overrated.

[ Tracy Sighs ] Except for The Wire. That's really good.

Last season's not very good, but— Montreal? Come on.

Think of all the good things you've done.

Like what?

Waste countless Sundays at these... stupid fucking couples' brunches?

How about the countless lives you've saved?

The people you've helped, the lives you've improved, the hope you gave people. [ Inhales ]

Yeah, well— [ Chuckles ] Yeah, there is that.

I'm gonna go get that wine that we brought, and I'm gonna open it, and we're gonna drink it.

And we're gonna light some candles, and we're just going to... relax.

[ Exhales ] Okay?

Yeah. Okay.

Okay, good.

Don't think about all the stuffyou didn't do, all right?

All righty.

♪♪ [ Classical ] ♪♪ [ Humming ]

Hey, babe. Hi.

What are you doing?

I, uh— I'm making desert.

Luckily this stove runs on gas.

Can you pass me that decongestant right there?

Thank you.

Are you making meth?

No. That would take far too long, and I'd need many more ingredients.

But this is more like a poor man's ecstasy.

[ Pills Rattling ]

The world's about to end, and you're gonna do ecstasy?

Is there a better time?

Hedy, we don't even know who did this to us.

We don't know if it was the North Koreans.

We don't know what happened to San Francisco or Chicago.

[ Yelling ]

Do you know why we never set a date... for the wedding?

It's 'cause you worry about everything.

You second-guess everything.

I mean, I love you. I do.

I care about you so deeply.

But the thought... of planning a major event with you?

That makes me want to claw my fucking eyes out.

And look at you now. I mean, we're gonna die.

Like, we're gonna die soon, and you're worried about Koreans.

Well, what do you suggest I do?

I would, you know, suggest that... we have a little fun.

I mean, remember that one time when we went to Cancún... and we found the midget with the marijuana... and we got all freaky?

Babe, we are not in Cancún.

We're in the middle ofWorld War I I I.

Then I think it's only fair I tell you... [ Pill Cases Clattering ] that this whole "end of the world" thing... has really got me reexamining our relationship.

And... frankly, I'm out.

Out ofwhat?

I'm done with us.

You're done? Yep.

The wedding's off.

[ Deep Breath ]

You know what?

You can't cancel a wedding ifyou didn't set a date!

Watch me. [ Clinks ]

Enjoy your drugs.

Do you think we'll be angels in heaven?

Hell, yeah— Heaven, yeah, we will.

Do you think there's an angel band?

I know there is, and we're gonna be a part of it.

'Cause guess what they need. What?

A glockenspielist. [ Laughing ]

♪♪ [ Stereo: Folk Rock ]

[ Sighs ] ♪♪ [ Man Singing, Indistinct ]

What happened to us?

I don't know.

We were so good.

Right? Yeah.

Couples' brunch. What about it?

You were always so excited about 'em.

You know, making sure the right people came, trying all kinds of new cheese and wine.

I— I didn't care.

I mean, I didn't want any part in the planning.

I— I barely even wanted to show up.

And that's— that's our marriage right there.

Yeah, you were always trying new things.

Rock climbing, painting and... knitting.

Crocheting. See? Crocheting.

I just coasted along.

I just got... wrapped up in what I was doing.

I'm sorry.

I appreciate that.

But...

I mean, I organize because I don't trust anyone else to do it.

And I do all those other things... because I'm looking for something that I like.

Some version of me, I guess, that I like.

You know, for the record, I liked the first version ofyou. Yeah, I know.

But maybe that's part of the problem.

We got married so young, Pete.

And we were together all the time, which was— And it was so good for so long, but— It's like I don't even know a me that has— that's different from us.

Because it's just been Pete and Emma this and Pete and Emma that.

And neverjust Emma, and I... needed to figure that out.

And in-in retrospect, possibly, filing for divorce was... a drastic way to do that.

And I'm sorry.

You kept one. Yeah.

What do you say?

Can we get back together... the last couple hours of our existence?

So, like an agreement?

Yeah, like an agreement.

Okay.

[ Laughs ]

So, what did you need to tell me? What?

When Tracy came in, you said there was something you needed to tell me.

Was there?

♪♪ [ Piano, Romantic ]

Madame?

Do you have anything else?

Oh. Madame, I assure you this vintage is fantastic. [ Pouring Wine ]

And the last year, I think, they're making this.

Then cheers.

[ Smacks Lips ] Mmm!

Wow. You and me, huh?

Imagine what could've happened.

I think we would have dated for about a year-

Mm-hmm. and then gotten married.

Wow. Fast.

Well, I mean, it felt right, you know?

And we had a very nice wedding.

Uh, nothing too fancy, but a destination wedding.

Oh, yeah. Uh, Hawaii.

Kauai, to be exact. Kauai.

And then we had kids. Lots of kids.

Lots of kids. Lots of kids.

Lots of kids. Seven. We had seven kids.

Damn. Damn!

They all went to Ivy League schools. Of course.

How about that? On scholarship. On scholarship.

The boys were— You took 'em to space camp, so they became astronauts.

[ Chuckles ] Yep.

The girls became... senators?

To a good life.

[ Footsteps Thumping ] Where's Buck?

Uh, he's upstairs in the bedroom with Lexi.

Sorry. Oh, hello. Cute.

[ Glenn ] I'd knock first.

I really like being alive, honey. I know.

It's gonna be even better when we're in heaven. Trust me.

What ifwe come back as animals?

Hmm. Then I will come back as a starfish. [ Laughing ]

[ Emma ] Come on, Pete.

Hey. We're done ifyou guys need the room.

Oh, hey, guys. But we'll go again ifyou guys want in.

Put some clothes on. Why bother, man?

Let's go out the way we came in.

Put some goddamn clothes on before I punch you in the face.

Okay, okay. Pete— What is the bee in your bonnet?

Do you know he and Emma slept together?

Yeah. Yeah, that's right.

What? Wait. What?

I knew about it before it happened. I gave him the thumbs-up.

I texted her while we were making out.

Drunkenly. Let's remember that.

Gave me the thumbs-up. We always give each other the thumbs-up.

So you knew about me and Lexi? Yeah. It was my idea.

Your idea? Yeah, dude. I felt bad 'cause your wife cheated on you.

My wife was cheating on me with you, Buck! You! [ Lexi ] That's not the same.

Cheating is cheating. It doesn't make a difference if it was me.

So that's why you slept with Pete?

We thought it would help with peace of mind if he ever found out.

[ Screaming ] Okay, okay! Stop! Stop it!

[ Lexi ] No, no. Everything is fine! Get off of him!

♪♪ [ Chord ] Emma!

Look what I found! [ Arguing, Shouting ]

Are those my clothes? Yes.

We should have a dance party.

No, no, no! Get off me!

Oh! Are we wrestling? [ Lexi ] Yes!

Me too! What the hell?

Yay! Please, you guys!

[ Hedy Laughing, Shouting ]

[ Wind Blowing ]

Everyone out. Oh, shit!

Out, out, out! Get out!

Come on, come on! Close the door! Close the door!

Quickly, Pete!

[ Gasps ] [ Panting ]

[ Gasping ]

You know what?

I'm gonna go set up the glockenspiel... so we can have our dance party.

I'm gonna go find the duct tape... so we can seal up this door, okay?

And, Pete, sorry I broke your window, man.

Ah. [ Pete ] It's okay, buddy.

It's okay.

I love you.

Emma, I never meant— It's okay.

Really? Yeah.

I never meant to— It's okay.

Really?

I swear, if I ever run around with your husband again— whether it's Pete or some new guy— I will give you a heads-up.

I appreciate that.

Pete, look, I— You made a mistake, and I made a mistake.

Can we just— You wanna dance?

Yeah. Yeah?

I do.

Mmm— But not, like, right here.

Yeah, that's a good idea.

[ Hedy ] One, two, three, four! [ Drumsticks Beating Time ]

♪ When I'm walkin', I strut my stuff♪

♪ And I'm so strung out ♪

♪ I'm high as a kite I just might ♪

♪ Stop to check you out ♪ ♪ Stop to check you out ♪

♪♪ [ Singing Continues ] Then the guy starts throwing them at me.

And there's a whole bowl of these mints.

And I'm running out, and I'm saying to him, "Excuse me"— I'm trying to still be nice.

"Those aren't my pants. They're not"— I mean, what am I—

♪♪ [ Singing Continues ]

That's so bad. Mmm, well—

[ Glenn ] Oh! What the fuck?

Why aren't you dancing? What?

Why aren't you dancing? All right, all right.

Put them thingies down and come and dance now. Wait, wait. No, no.

Yes, yes, yes! Could we just wait?

Couldn't we just— Give me a second. All right.

♪ Let me go on ♪

♪ Big hands, I know you're the one ♪ [ Hedy Whooping ]

Guys, I think I see a plume of smoke in the distance.

♪ When I'm walkin', I strut my stuff♪

♪ And I'm so strung out ♪

♪ I'm high as a kite— ♪♪

[ Crows Cawing ]

♪♪ [ "House of the Rising Sun" ]

♪ There is a house ♪

♪ In New Orleans ♪

♪ They call ♪

♪ The Rising Sun ♪

♪ And it's been the ruin ♪

♪ Of many a poor boy ♪

♪ And God, I know ♪

♪ I'm one ♪

♪♪ [ Glockenspiel ]

[ Together ] ♪ Mothers ♪

♪ Tell your children— ♪♪ No!

What the fuck? What gives?

[ Others Shouting ] Shut up!

Now, ifyou guys wanna sing "Kumbaya" as the world's about to end, then be my guest!

But I'm not gonna just sit in here and lay down like a dog.

Now, the way I see it, we have an hour, maybe two, before the air runs out.

So ifwe're gonna make a move, it's gotta be right now.

Yeah, but what move is that?

I'm taking the S.U.V., and I'm getting outta here.

Where are you gonna go?

I don't know.

Is that my backpack? Yeah.

If I roll up the windows, kill the A.C., it'll give me some time.

Not long, but... maybe enough time to find something, anything.

And it might be a fool's errand, but I'm not gonna regret it.

'Cause I'll know that if I die, at least I died trying.

Who's with me?

[ Door Slams ] [ Murmuring, Clearing Throats ]

Good? Okay, everybody take calm, short breaths to conserve air.

And keep the talking to a minimum. Right.

Starting now.

Are we ready?

Here we go. [ Ignition Clicks ]

Say, Glenn, when you checked my radio earlier, did you remember to turn the car off after?

Lexi— Lexi was in here listening to music.

Lexi. Lexi was listening— We were in here too. Oh, my gosh.

♪♪ [ Classical, Melancholy ]

♪♪ [ Glockenspiel: Single Note Repeating ]

I know I'm new to the group, but...

I think we should set the table and... eat like we were supposed to.

You know, I think we should eat and drink... and swap stories, you know, and-and— and enjoy couples' brunch...

the way we were meant to.

I can be down for that.

It would be a shame to see my quiche go to waste.

Yeah. Well, then let's do it.

Is your quiche vegan? Yes.

How about you, Shane? You hungry?

Nah, I'm good. [ Hedy ] Come on, Shane.

When the North Koreans come... and they take you away to some makeshift camp, they're probably not gonna feed you anything more than gruel... for, like, days.

North Korean food does suck.

Okay, okay. Well, great.

Right? Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Okay, good. Let's-Let's do this.

I'm gonna go grab some wine. Yeah?

Okay.

[ Wind Whistling ]

♪♪ [ Piano, Classical ] [ Emma ] Okay, I got one.

Uh, something I've never told anyone.

When I used to work at that pizza place in college, um, I used to take money from the register.

Wow. Really? Mm-hmm, yep.

Why? So I could steal it, Pete.

Why do you think? All right. Yeah, granted, but— How much— How much did you take? Uh, you know, probablyjust, like, three grand.

[ All Exclaiming ] [ Pete ] Just, like, three grand?

And I'm— I'm impressed. That's— Wow. Thank you.

[ Buck ] Okay. I've got one.

This is something I've never told anyone.

I fucking love Love Actually.

There's nothing wrong with that. I'm serious. I watch it every Christmas.

Why are you ashamed of that? I love that movie.

I'm not anymore. I'm free now.

You worked through it. I'm proud ofyou.

I think I killed somebody. [ Chattering Stops ]

This one night, I was driving home, and this homeless guy just stepped right out in front of me.

Bam.

And I just took off.

Well, you know, I'm sure there was nothing you could've done.

Oh, no, there was.

He was still breathing when I left.

[ Footsteps Descending Stairs ] [ Tracy ] Glenn?

I'll be up in a minute.

Glenn, what are you doing down here? Everybody—

Tracy, are you familiar with the Rapture?

The band... or the Blondie song?

The prophecies in the Book of Revelations.

No, I don't like where this is going.

At the end of times, all true believers... who are alive before Armageddon— which is the final battle of the Apocalypse, which... has clearly started— will be taken by God from Earth to heaven.

All the nonbelievers... will be forced to walk a hell on earth... for a seven-year period of tribulations... in which they will sit in judgment.

I fear for all ofyou.

I love you, Tracy, and I love your friends.

I have huge love for them, and I want to help with theirjudgment.

Tracy, I... would like to ask you... to sit beside me at the marriage supper of the Lamb.

[ Whimpers ]

[ Quavering Voice ] Oh, man.

Well—

[ Sighs ]

Honey? Oh, whoa!

Yeah.

[ Emma ] Honey? Yeah.

He's crazy. Who's crazy?

He's crazy. Glenn.

I think he's really cool. I do. Yeah.

I think- No. No, no, no.

He's certifiable. He belongs in a tiny little padded room... with one tiny little window.

[ Footsteps Approaching ]

[ Chuckling ] Hey.

I found some wine. [ Emma ] Great. [ Pete ] Perfect timing.

And I'm sure, Tracy, that you are probablyjust... taking one thing about that person... and blowing it out of proportion.

No! No. No, I'm not. I'm not.

You always think that I am, but I never am. I never am.

I know you think that I'm some sad, pathetic character from a Cathy cartoon... or a sitcom that Brooke Shields would've been in.

But it's true. It's always true!

He poisoned your wine, by the way.

[ Gags ] What? He did what?

Guilty as charged.

What the fuck? Glenn, you're a guest in this house.

That is not fucking cool, dude. No!

Okay. Everybody calm down. You calm down!

I am calm, Shane. I'm extremely calm.

We can see that, Glenn. What's in this?

Well, I crushed up about 40 sleeping pills... and, uh, 30 muscle relaxants.

And then I put in a— a good heaping amount of rat poison.

Are you trying to kill us?

Yes, Hedy, I'm trying to kill you.

Oh, well, then that would do the trick.

Uh, what were you thinking, Glenn?

ThatJesus Christ— sorry— is gonna put us all on trial?

You're paraphrasing. She's paraphrasing.

Oh, okay. My bad. My bad. Let me rephrase that.

Johnny Crazy Balls over here is gonna save us all from seeing Armageddon.

That movie was awesome. So that is what is going to happen?

Okay, let me rephrase that. Please.

This is very serious.

Every one ofyou sitting at this table... will sit before St. Peter as he judges you... to see whether you gain entrance into heaven.

Now, I am going to heaven. That is a fact.

I desperately want you all to join me there.

Ifyou drink this wine, you stand a far greater chance... of spending the rest of eternity in heaven.

Wow. You were right. You see?

You see? Do you see?

Is shit in the Bible, or are you making this up?

"No one knows the days or hours, [ Together ] not even the angels in heaven."

Matthew 24:36.

Lexi. Yes.

You see, Buck, I teach this for a living, so I know what I'm talking about.

I thought you said you teach history. Because I do teach history.

I teach Bible history. That is history.

You didn't put that in your Internet profile, now, did ya?

I thought you met at a grocery store.

I don't wanna be the one to say this, but I think Glenn might actually be on to something.

What? Have you gone fuckin' insane too? No offense.

Purely from a biological standpoint, when the nerve gas slips into the house— and it will eventually slip into the house— we are all going to go through a very long... and a very painful ordeal.

Ordeal? What do you mean "ordeal"? Yeah.

That sounds ominous. I don't like ominous.

Deets, please. [ Emma ] Yeah.

Okay. Uh, well, you might start with blurred vision and a headache.

Move quickly to nausea, intense vomiting and diarrhea.

That would be followed by copious sweating, involuntary muscle twitching.

♪♪ [ Woman Singing "Ave Maria" ] Then there's the blindness, dyspnea and seizures.

The initial violent contractions... will turn into sustained super-contractions, which results in the paralysis of all the muscles in your body.

And ultimately it's the paralysis of the diaphragm muscle... that leads to death by asphyxiation.

Ifwe're lucky, we could lose consciousness before some of that.

Ifwe're lucky.

♪♪ [ Continues ]

So.

Well, I'm in.

Till death do us part. Mm-hmm.

Seriously? We're just gonna go all Jonestown on this?

Did you not just hear that laundry list she just rattled off?

I don't even know what a "disnepsis" is, but I don't fuckin' want it.

It's gonna be a lot less painful to drink the wine.

Yes.

Well, it— it might be better than me falling into enemy hands, given my knowledge of American pop culture... and the industrial-military complex, but— Do you have any white?

I'm sorry?

If this is gonna be my last drink on earth, I just don't really care for merlot.

[ Glenn ] Can— Can I jump in?

When I was down there, and I— I had some of the wine before I put all the stuff in it.

And, um, it's pretty good merlot.

It really is. I'm sure it is, but still— Shane, will you just drink the fucking red wine?

Wait, wait, wait, wait. I mean— It kind of makes sense, but— Can we all agree that I'm right? That he's fucking crazy?

Oh, yeah. Duly noted.

[ Glenn ] Well, can I tell you someone else... who was considered the F-word crazy?

Was Saul ofTarsus, so—

What do you think?

No. No?

No.

I mean, what— What if a SWAT team comes bursting through the door... at the last minute to save our lives?

What if this vegan stew has some sort of immunity to the chemical... and we're all gonna be just fine?

What if- What ifwe survive?

I mean, is that completely out of the question here?

I just don't want to lose hope.

You're right. I'm with you.

Oh, you guys are so sweet.

So have fun shitting blood, and let's do this.

I don't know. I— I don't know. I kind of... want to do it if everybody else is gonna do it.

But then maybe I should stay with Pete and Emma. I—

No. I don't know what we were thinking. Never mind.

Really? I don't wanna— No, no, no. We're with you guys.

We're in. Yeah, we're in.

Okay. [ Glenn ] Okay.

I will see you all... at the pearly gates.

I'm Jewish, by the way.

What?

Okay, um, let me take the moment to say... thank you all for coming today. Yeah. Thanks, guys.

Everyone's been a really great friend. [ Mouthing Words ]

Honestly. [ Mouthing Words ]

This is the best one of these things we've ever had.

[ Chuckles ]

Oh, no. Please no. Don't.

So, how should we go about this?

On three?

On three, or roshambo style?

Like, "One, two, three, go."

We'll just do one, two, three, go. Drink.

Not saying "drink." Just— Say the words "One, two, three, go."

And then we'll drink. Perfect.

♪♪ [ "Ave Maria" Continues ]

Glennzo?

You want me to say it?

It's your gig, bro.

[ Exhales ] Thank you, Buck.

Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay.

[ Hedy Exhales ]

One, two— Wait. Quick- Quick question. Sorry.

Um, is it okay to take one sip, or do we have to chug the whole thing?

I would chug it. It's better safe than sorry.

Chug. Okay. Okay, sorry.

Continue. Okay.

[ Exhales ] I'm gonna start over again.

I'm not gonna continue from there. I think it could be confusing.

From one? From one.

Okay.

[ Glenn ] One, two, three, go.

♪ Ave Maria ♪ Okay. Seriously, what's the deal?

I was waiting to see if everybody else did it.

I was doing the same thing. That's what I did.

Yeah. We were too. Yeah.

Okay. Let's do this for real.

Let's really do this, okay? Why didn't you drink this last time?

Because I suspected that was gonna happen, and I was right, so— Okay.

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

♪♪ [ Ends ]

Are we doing this, or what?

♪♪ [ "1 81 2 Overture" ]


♪♪ [ Ends ]

♪♪ [ Alt Rock ]

♪ Things are lookin' up ♪

♪ We're going strong ♪

♪ We're making the move ♪

♪ We're taking 'em one by one ♪

♪ Things are lovely when they go wrong ♪

♪ And on and on ♪

♪ Forever until they've gone ♪

♪ It's a disaster, baby ♪

♪ I know things have been tough lately ♪

♪ And we know there's no relief for us in sight ♪

♪ It's a disaster, baby ♪

♪ I know that I drive you crazy ♪

♪ The world's at the end of days ♪

♪ So I guess you're here to stay ♪

♪ Yeah, things are looking up ♪

♪ It won't be long ♪

♪ Still moving on ♪

♪ Till the atmosphere's completely gone ♪

♪ Things are lovely ♪

♪ When you're alone ♪

♪ Nowhere to go ♪

♪ Disaster all around ♪

♪ It's a disaster, baby ♪

♪ I know that I drive you crazy ♪

♪ The world's at the end of days ♪

♪ So I guess we're here to stay ♪

♪ The world's at the end of days ♪

♪ So I guess we're here to stay ♪

♪ The world's at the end of days ♪

♪ So I guess we're here to stay ♪♪

[ Drink Pouring ]

[ Glass Clinks ]

[ Man ] Cheers.