It's Complicated (2009) Script

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(WOMAN LAUGHING)

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

(INAUDIBLE)

(LAUGHS)

MAN: Hi, Jane. Hi!

Happy, happy, happy...

Anniversary.

(EXHALES)

Some things never change, do they?

I just thought you might be drifting.

He was pausing. JAKE: Exactly.

JANE: Okay. Happy anniversary.

You two have led an extraordinarily blessed life.

Mmm. For as long as I've known you, you've managed to always somehow do everything entirely right.

That's so true.

But honestly, how could it be 30 years?

When did we do that trip to Spain?

It was for both of our what?

Fifteenth anniversaries.

God, that was a great trip.

Yeah.

OLIVER: Hey, guys. How's it going? TED: Hey!

Hey, OIlie. How was graduation?

It was fantastic. When's Luke's graduation?

Next week.

It's in three days.

Oh, I'm sorry. I mean, this week.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Are the girls going?

Yeah, they can't wait.

OLIVER: How long is Luke home before he has to go back to work?

Um... Only a week. Oh!

That's it?

I know. I hate it.

AGNESS: Hi, I'm back. JAKE: Hey.

AGNESS: Here you go, babe.

(SIGHS) Well, congrats again. Great, great party.

And I'll see you two in New York.

Absolutely, I'm looking forward to it.

Yeah. Good. Well...

AGNESS: Hey, Jane, what are you wearing to the graduation?

Oh! A suit or a dress. Probably a suit.

Fancy. Okay. I like that.

Uh, Janey, we'll see you there. Where are you staying?

We're at the Park Regent.

You said you were at the Four Seasons, right?

I don't know. Where are we?

We're at the Park Regent, too.

Oh. Good. That's... That'll be convenient, actually, for...

(LAUGHS)

Okay. So, well... See you soon.

TED: Bye, Janey.

SALLY: I'll walk you out.

I thought it was very sweet how well you and Jake were getting along.

Yeah. Felt like old times.

We do know how to do this by now. It's been 10 years.

Really? Yeah.

That's crazy. I know.

(SIGHS) Bye-bye.

LAUREN: Gabby, stop. You are never gonna fit all this in.

You can come back for the rest of it tomorrow.

GABBY: I can't come back...

Oh, God. That is all my clothes.

This is clothes?

(CHUCKLES)

Oh, good, your mom's home. She'll figure this out.

Gabby, you're leaving now? I thought you weren't going till the morning.

Yeah, except all my friends are there and they want me to come tonight. So...

But it's gonna be dark soon, honey.

And you can't even see out the back window.

It's Saturday night, people will be on the road, drinking...

Mom. Mom, she'll be there in a couple of hours. She'll be fine.

Okay. I'm just gonna leave this stuff here and come back for it in a few days.

You want me to drive it down in the morning?

I could be there by lunch.

We could go to that big Bed, Bath and Beyond, get kitchen stuff.

Gabby? Gabby, can you look up from that thing?

I got it covered, Mom.

Hey, gangster. You gonna help me carry these?

You know it. Yeah.

GABBY: What up?

HARLEY: Oh, no, don't trouble yourself. Okay.

Why start now?

(GRUNTS)

(LAUGHING)

Mom, are you afraid to sleep in the house alone?

No. GABBY: Are you?

No, I'm not! One of you is always moving out.

I'm just wondering who I'm gonna watch The Hills with.

Oh! Mamacita.

(LAUGHING)

GABBY: (SIGHS) I'm gonna miss you.

JANE: Mmm-hmm.

Oh, my God!

L. A!

(WHISPERS) Oh, my God!

JANE: (LAUGHING) Stop!

Really doing this. Okay. Yes, you are.

Do it.

Oh, Mom. JANE: What?

You don't happen to know where Dad is, do you?

'Cause I tried calling him to say goodbye.

He was at Ted and Sally's.

He was? How was that?

You and the two of them at the same...

I mean, that must've...

(HARLEY CHUCKLING)

HARLEY: How was that?

It was...

Whatever. It was fine.

Was her lunatic child there?

(LAUGHING) Not this time, no.

(CELL PHONE VIBRATING) Now, listen to me.

Call me as soon as you get there.

(GASPS)

Do not forget. Gabby!

I will! I'll call you.

You knock 'em dead, little one.

Hey, and call us when you get there, too.

None of this on the road. Dangerous.

Right. Thank you.

Okay. Bye!

JANE: Bye.

GABBY: I love you, guys. HARLEY: Bye.

They grow up so freaking fast, don't they?

I just hate it. I hate it.

Mom, maybe you should get a dog.

Oh, my God. Goodbye, you two.

Bye. Love you, boss.

Love you.

LAUREN: Bye, Mom!


Here you go.

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

JANE: Reynaldo.

Yeah? Too much sugar. (CHUCKLES) Little bit.

I know. Have you been helped?

Hey, who wants coffee while you're waiting?

Everything okay? MAN: It's great, thanks.

JANE: (CHUCKLES) Good.

Go check on table five, would you?

Sure.

JANE: Thanks.

Hello. Hi.

PETER: Jane!

Peter. Hi!

Hi.

How are you?

Hi!

I can't remember, have you ever met Adam Schaeffer?

Yes. No.

Well, it was... It was quick. Well...

Look what we've got.

Your plans.

(GASPS) I'm so excited!

(GIGGLES)

I've been thinking about this addition for...

Ten years.

Ten years? I know.

(CHUCKLES) Mmm-hmm.

(JANE EXCLAIMS)

Ooh! This is nice. I like this wall of windows, Peter.

That was Adam, actually.

Oh!

And I love where you've put the stairs. That is so good.

Adam's idea.

(EXCLAIMS)

I'm finally getting a real kitchen with four walls and place to put everything I want.

You actually understood what I wanted.

All Adam.

I'm happy you like it.

I'm so... Hi.

(LAUGHS) Hello.

So, you read all my e-mails.

All 47 of them, yes.

Jane, it's 10:15. Yeah?

Oh, it is.

Sorry, I have an appointment, a dentist appointment.

Sure.

And, could you just leave those here so I could make a few notes and...

Oh, actually, I do have one tiny note now.

In my bathroom, no "his-and-her" sinks.

Oh, okay. Sure. No "his."

Just "hers."

And you don't think in the future you might want a "his"?

(LAUGHS) Oh, God, we're talking code about my life now.

No, no, I didn't mean to be.

The truth is, in my current bathroom I have two sinks and sometimes, the other sink makes me feel bad.

One sink. Not a problem.

But we should schedule another meeting. Is Tuesday good for you?

Tuesday's great. 8:30 too early?

At the house? I'll be there.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Hi. Hi.

Hello, I'm Dr. Moss.

Hi, I'm Jane Adler.

So, what brings you in today?

(CHUCKLES) Well... Please don't take this the wrong way.

But I'm the type of person who kind of makes fun of people who get plastic surgery.

Well, I understand that.

You do? Good. Mmm-hmm.

Because, you know, some women can look a little fake and plasticky.

And, I don't know, just, in my opinion, worse.

I agree.

Well, good. Because... Okay.

So, as against the whole thing as I... As I am, (STAMMERS)

I do have a problem that's really bugging me.

My left eyelid is really saggy and sometimes I find myself holding it up when I'm watching TV or reading or...

I was just wondering if that's something you could fix.

Look straight ahead. Okay.

Well, you have the same amount of excess skin on both sides.

Really? Oh.

Well, I'm only interested in fixing one eye.

Jane, what you need to fix this is a brow-lift.

A brow-lift? What is that exactly?

Well, we surgically cut at the hairline.

We make an incision right here and then we pull the skin back a little tighter over your skull and staple it in place right over your ears.

Now, recovery is not all that bad.

You could be quite numb, and you'll probably have a headache that lasts anywhere from, say, three to six months.

Three to six months! Oh. Awesome.

(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS)

AGNESS: Yes, it did. I am under a lot of pressure.

I don't know if you're aware of that.

No, no. I think that is something that you should fully be aware of.

Okay. Okay. But that's not what you said.

Jane!

Hey. (CHUCKLES) Oh! Hi.

Hello. Hi.

PEDRO: Jake. Jake.

Jake. Jake. Jake. Jake. Jake. Jake? Hello, Jake?

Uh, hold on, Pedro. I'm talking with somebody.

Pedro, up! Now!

(PEDRO MIMICKING GUNFIRE)

JAKE: So, what are you doing in this building?

Dentist.

You don't go to Sharon anymore?

No. Changed.

Oh.

(PEDRO MIMICKING CAR ENGINE)

(PEDRO EXCLAIMING)

(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS)

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Yeah...

Okay, buddy. Here we go. PEDRO: Jake.

Okay, Pedro, honey, don't do that. Pedro.

See you in the Big Apple. I'll see you there.

(PEDRO GRUNTING)

(WOMEN LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY)

That is beyond!

When the three of them got in the elevator...

(EXCLAIMS) Between that and the staples and the headache for six months...

That was the most insane hour of my life.

(LAUGHS)

Jake has lost his mind.

Yeah, I don't know.

Oh, I know. He's a complete prick for cheating on you.

I can't disagree with you on that.

And then he marries her. A known lunatic.

Well, she has a big job.

(SCOFFS)

Why do you always say that?

Because she does. She runs the whole marketing department at KY or whatever that station's called.

She can't be that big of a lunatic.

Janey, come on.

He cheats on you with her, your 20 year marriage ends.

Then six months later, she leaves Jake and runs off with some random guy, has a baby, then leaves that guy for Jake.

And she's not nuts?

Oh, Jo, you are so lucky Jerry is dead.

(LAUGHS) Thank you.

No, I mean, you don't have to bump into him.

Well, that's true. DIANE: Yeah.

(TRISHA LAUGHS)

Oh, Janey, do you wanna meet a guy I met on Match. Com that I didn't like?

Oh, wow, what a great offer.

No, thanks. I don't think so.

Well, he wasn't that awful.

Sounding better every minute.

You know, it's not healthy to not have sex for however long it's been.

(EXHALES LOUDLY)

Trust me, I am not not doing it on purpose.

Oh.

Okay, I don't know if this is true...

TRISHA: Mmm-hmm.

...but I read online about a woman that hadn't done it in so long that her vagina closed up.

(LAUGHS)

What? Get out of here! Come on.

I swear to God, it grew back together.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Wait, was it ever one piece?

TRISHA: What? Ooh, no.

No, she had to have a vaginoplasty.

Ouch!

JANE: Oh, God!

"Hello, Dr. Moss, I have a little situation that needs fixing."

Bubbee. Bubbee, if you wanna have your situation fixed, you have to date someone.

Seriously.

(SIGHS)

Anyone.


Oh, there he is!

(GABBY EXCLAIMS)

JANE: (GASPS) There he is!

Oh, hello.

JANE: Good to see you! We missed you. Hi!

Who is this guy? Hey, hey. How are you?

Oh, I love it when we're all in the same time zone!

So, what's up, Luke? Did you decide to have that party?

Oh, yeah, big time.

What party?

Are you guys going to sleep over?

Yeah, if you give us your bed and change the sheets.

You're having a party? When?

Hi. Adler, two rooms.

Hopefully next to each other.

I have an Adler, J. In a Superior Suite. Park Avenue view?

Oh, I'm sorry, here it is. Adler, J., two standard doubles.

Sorry about that. Right.

We are not the ones in the Superior Suite.

Mmm.

Have the other Adlers checked in yet? Just wondering.

No, they haven't, ma'am. Not yet.

Now, I just need a credit card and your signature.

Can the girls come with me now and help me set up?

Oh, and by girls, he means the three of us.

Wait, hold on. Set up for what?

I have reservations for us for dinner. That's not happening now?

I don't know.

Me and my friends are having this huge thing at our apartment and the girls said they'd help us set up.

(SIGHS)

We're gonna be together all day tomorrow.

Mom, it's his last night before graduation.

Okay, okay.

Can I do anything to help, or you know...

Love your credit card.

(LAUGHS) Oh.

Here it goes. Once again.

(CHATTERING)

(SIGHS DEEPLY)

(WOMAN CHATTERING SOFTLY)

(EXHALES)

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

Hi! Hi.

Adler, for one, Room 2112.

Your table is almost ready, Mrs. Adler.

Would you like to wait in the bar? Sure.

BARTENDER: Hi.

Hi.

(EXHALES)

I'll have a Pinot Noir.

Right away.

No, you know, I'll have a very dry Tanqueray Martini, straight up with a twist.

Mmm-hmm.

(JAKE LAUGHING)

(SOFTLY) Hey.

Where's your...

Uh, Pedro got the stomach flu.

So, I'm flying solo.

Really? Didn't know you knew how to be by yourself.

Any chance you could go easy on me?

Just a one-night free pass.

(CHUCKLES)

You look good, Janey.

Yeah.

You do. You always do.

Your hair's shorter. Longer.

I like it.

Mrs. Adler? Your table is ready.

Yes? Thank you.

Do you want some company, Mrs. Adler?

Could we eat at the bar? Absolutely.

All right. We both have to eat.

Mmm.

When was the last time we had a meal together?

You and me? Alone? 1999.

So, come on. Once every 10 years.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

So, how are things in the fertility world?

I can't believe it took you this long to bring that up.

Sperm issues?

Apparently, yes.

(SIGHS) A baby?

Really, Jake?

So, the next time you go to a graduation, you'll be, what, 58 plus...

I believe the number you're looking for is 79.

(CHUCKLING) Okay. Yeah.

Seriously, how is that good?

Why are we talking about this?

I thought we were going to have some fun.

Where did you get that idea?

JANE: Why do you want to know this? You're obsessed.

Just tell me, how long were you seeing him for?

Oh, please, it was five years ago.

I know, but I always wondered. So? Mmm-hmm.

Little jealous?

Yes.

Oh, the man is married now.

I don't care. How long?

Eight months.

Long.

(LAUGHS) Not long.

No!

(INAUDIBLE)

(BOTH LAUGHING)

(WHISTLES)

(INAUDIBLE)

(UPBEAT SONG PLAYING)

This song reminds me of your birthday party. The one in our old house.

Oh! Oh, that was such a fun night.

So fun. You wore that halter dress.

(EXCLAIMS) Yeah.

Oh, man.

You wanna dance?

No.

(JANE EXCLAIMS)

(BOTH WHOOPING)

You're married to someone else!

Tell me about it.

(GASPS)

(BOTH PANTING)

(GROANS)

Home sweet home.

Oh! Oh, God!

That was one crazy ride.

I thought we were going to break the bed.

(LAUGHING)

I'm having an out-of-body experience.

Totally.

You're so great, Janey. I forgot how great. Holy shit.

(STUTTERS) Please just shut up.

I'm so dizzy.

And the Pilates are paying off, by the way.

(GROANS)

(VOMITS)

Oh, no! Are you okay?

Look the other way, Jake.

Why?

Because I have to get up.

Well, Jane, I've seen your...

Look the other way, Jake!

(JANE VOMITS)

(TOILET FLUSHING)

(JANE GROANING)

Are you okay?

What is wrong with us?

What do you mean? This was amazing. We just had a great time.

(GROANING) Oh, a great time.

This is the dumbest thing two people have ever done!

Oh, really? I don't know. I haven't thought it through, but off the top of my head I thought it was smoking hot, so something about it wasn't so dumb.

And FYI, I like that you stopped getting bikini waxes.

You've gone native.

(SOFTLY) I was into it.

(CROWD CHEERING)

I love you.

Do you see him? No.

(JANE EXCLAIMS)

GABBY: There he is!

(CHEERING)

(ALL WHOOPING)

Hey!

Oh!

(SCREAMING)

(WHISTLES)

(LAUGHS)

Look at Dad.

(WHOOPING)

Lukey!

(SOBBING)

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

All I hear is, "Luke David Adler." I got to go up.

I got to jump over these people.

From our seats it looked like you were crowd-surfing at a Metallica show.

LUKE: Come on.

(ALL LAUGHING)

You okay?

Yeah. Totally.

(GASPS)

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

(THUDS)

I would like to propose a toast to your mother.

To me? What?

Now, I've done my part with you guys, but, Jane, you...

Very talented you.

Oh, God!

Gabby, I'm serious.

Jane, you've done a magnificent job, as you always do.

When I look at you three beautiful kids all grown up, I think of all the work your mother did...

Much of it without my help.

Dude, pull it together.

Yeah.

Janey, I take my hat off to you.

Okay, Jake. Thank you.

Out of nowhere, sudden appreciation. But, thank you, really.

Not totally out of nowhere, Jane. If you know what I mean.

(CHOKES) Which I don't. But...

What's he...

I have no idea. It's just...

Can we just move on?

Okay, I would like to say something, too. For real.

No offense to the lovely Agness or her charming offspring...

(SNORTS)

Not nice.

Not nice.

I know, I'm sorry.

But I just wanted to say, I really loved today.

Just being with the original five.

Plus Harley, but he's like one of us.

I don't think we've ever done this before...

Had a meal together and hung out like this.

You mean other than the first 13 years of your life.

LUKE: Oh, I know what she's saying.

It's been awesome just for a whole day to be just us.

Something feels right in the universe again, doesn't it?

So, who's coming home, when? No one's told me the details.

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Hey. So how's Pedro feeling?

(JANE EXHALES)

Okay, we're gonna pack Luke up.

Three of us leave day after tomorrow and Luke's coming home end of the week.

JAKE: Uh, I will. Great.

I'll call you when I land. Bye.

Hey, Janey, what flight are you on?

I'm on the 4:00.

Oh! Too bad, I'm on the 5:00.

That's nuts! Why don't you try to get on the same flight?

Yeah, I could try.

It's been great, but let's not push it.

Mom, he's just trying to be nice.

I know. I know. I know. Okay, I gotta take off, kids.

So, thank you for staying.

Absolutely, yeah.

You be good. I'm so proud of you.

(CHUCKLES) Thanks, Mom.

(CHUCKLES) You can call me if you need me.

Mmm-hmm.

(CHUCKLES) It was really fun.

MALE NARRATOR ON CAR STEREO: Just follow a few basic rules to make your divorce a less hurtful one, by breaking the cycle of conflict.

Accept your ex for who she is.

A very big ho!

MALE NARRATOR: And try to remember when you first fell in love...

There she is. And there she goes.

Jane!

It's Adam.

Oh! It's 8:30, Tuesday morning!

Are we still okay?

(EXHALES) Yes! Yes! I totally forgot.

(PANTS) Really sorry. Can you give me a lift back up to the house?

Sure. Come on in.

Thanks.

MALE NARRATOR: But perhaps the most important lesson in going through your divorce is to learn to forgive.

Forgiveness is the key to...

Oh! Oh! Sorry.

Forgiveness is...

(SOFT CHUCKLE)

(CHUCKLES)

In spite of your hurt feelings, prove to her that you are...

(GIGGLES)

(LAUGHS) Well...

(EXHALES)

Just getting a divorce?

Yeah. Two-and-a-half years ago.

Whoa!

(CHUCKLES) It's, uh, been a process.

Here's the good news.

In two more years, you'll actually begin to feel normal again.

In two more years I'll begin to feel normal?

Why am I having trouble seeing that as good news?

Maybe that was just my experience.

Oh, God, I hope so.

(CHUCKLES)

ADAM: Oh, I have an idea. Let's see if this works.

So, if we move this wall back a bit, uh, we can bring this arch forward, which is really where you want it, right?

(CHUCKLES) Yeah, I would love that. I thought so.

(SIGHS)

I have an idea. What if we move my bedroom wall like 6 or 8 feet that way, just so I can get more of the morning light?

Not possible?

(CHUCKLES) Yes. But you'd wake up in the morning, walk out your bedroom door and fall 12 feet into the kitchen.

(LAUGHS) I forgot it was all open up there.

But I see where you're headed, so let me see what I can do.

By the way, this property is so great.

Have you lived here a long time?

About 10 years. I tried...

(MUSIC PLAYING ON CAR STEREO)

Oh! I bought the place right after my divorce and, um...

(NERVOUS CHUCKLE) It's taken me until now to be able to finally do this.

Good morning.

Uh... Hi.

Am I interrupting?

Adam, this is my ex-husband...

ADAM: Oh! ...Jake.

Adam Schaeffer, my architect.

Hi. Good to meet you.

Uh, can I take a look? Do you mind?

(CHUCKLES) Well, everything's not 100% worked out yet.

Wow! You're finally getting that kitchen you always wanted.

(CHUCKLES) Yeah.

Hmm. Huge bedroom.

(STUTTERS) No, it's not huge. It's...

Why don't I show these to you a little later when we're closer to...

ADAM: Uh... I... I think our next step is to stake out the addition and see how it feels size-wise.

Yeah, that would be great.

So, I will e-mail you and we'll set something up.

Sounds great.

Jake, nice meeting you.

Yeah, you, too.

Got time for a cup of coffee?

JANE: Sure.

Why haven't you returned any of my calls or e-mails?

Jake, come on! This is just too weird.

We have to just never do what we did ever again.

(INHALES)

You are an adulterer and I am an awful person, basically.

(VOICE QUIVERING) I haven't slept in days.

What we did was so wrong on so many levels.

And it was so right on a couple of levels, too.

Admit it.

No, it wasn't.

On no levels was it right.

You can't say we didn't enjoy each other's company.

Sitting at the bar, dancing.

After dancing. Come on.

You and I haven't had fun like that in 100 years.

Yes, because we're not supposed to have fun like that.

We are divorced.

(SIGHING DEEPLY)

Are you, like, what, unhappy at home? Does she not understand you?

Or did you just want to know what it would be like with someone my age?

What is this?

I'd be lying if I said I never think about you, Janey.

I think about you a lot.

And, no, it's not perfect at home, obviously. Look at me.

I've got three grown kids and I'm going to kindergarten interviews.

I'm a walking cliché.

And I can't, literally, can't stop thinking about what happened in New York.

Fate brought us together once, maybe it happened again.

And I know you've moved on with your life, I get it.

But you can't deny that something real and honest happened that night.

Can't we just go with it? See where it takes us?

No one has to know.

(CHUCKLES) Wow.

You were so great, so loose and sexy.

How often do you get to be like that?

You can run and open restaurants and build your perfect kitchen.

But what about having someone to hold you in the middle of the night?

Not high on my list these days.

What if that someone is someone who's known you since you were 23?

And loved you for most of your life.

Oh, man!

I forgot what a good lawyer you are.

Give this a shot, Janey.

Life is short and it's tough.

Don't discount what we have together.

You know what they say, "People who live in nursing homes that have plants live longer

"than the people without plants."

So you're saying this is a healthy choice for me?

Honey, I know it is.

(LAUGHS)

(JANE BREATHES HEAVILY)

(JANE GROANS)

Oh, God! Oh, God! It's official.

(WHIMPERS) We're having an affair.

Why do you need to label everything?

Because that's what this is.

Yes, in its crassest form maybe, if we were two other people.

Just because we were married for 19 years does not not make this an affair.

Okay, but since we were together for so long, it's not really that wrong.

Really? You want to run that logic by your wife?

(CHUCKLES)

Okay, will you do me a favor?

You're on my side. Can we switch?

I'm feeling a little, uh, disoriented.

Since when is this your side? Since 10 years ago.

Come on, just... Please?

(BOTH GRUNTING)

Can I interest you in a little...

(CHUCKLES) No.

Why do you think the sex is so much sexier this time?

I don't know.

(LAUGHS) I got to go to work.

Okay. Me, too.

You see what happens when you're not looking out for me.

She lets me eat everything. Pasta, cream cheese.

(SCOFFS)

Would you hand me my robe, please?

(CHUCKLES)

And, um, turn around.

(SCOFFS) Why do I have to, uh, turn around?

Because the last time you saw me standing up naked I was in my 40s.

Things look different lying down. Just...

(CHUCKLES) You've gotten kind of nuts.

(CHUCKLES) Yeah. You know what, Jake, I think it would be really good for us to just not talk for a couple of days.

You know what I think, just for the record?

I think we're doing something kind of brilliant.

All the things that tore us apart aren't issues anymore.

I'd say our problems actually went away.

(LAUGHS) What?

Didn't you always say you felt you weren't being heard?

Wasn't that our big issue?

Both of us always feeling rejected and unappreciated.

Look at us now. You're so much more together.

You're not exhausted all the time.

You're not catering every weekend or busy all day with the kids.

And I'm calmer. Not as obsessed with work.

I'm a partner. I'm there.

We both grew into the people we wanted each other to be.

Really?

Well, you're better than I am at remembering all the details of our...

Do you remember never having time for sex?

(LAUGHS) Now look at us.

We've already done it two times this week and it's only Tuesday.

I swear to God, if half the people who got divorced got back together after 10 years, their problems would be solved.

I think we're on to something.

(CHUCKLES) Not sure I agree with that.

And, also, we are not back together.

And I know other divorced people think about this.

They wonder, "What if?"

You know, I think this is very French of us.

(LAUGHS) How is it French of us?

I have a young wife but I am having sex with my old wife.

Not old. You know, "ex." I didn't mean "old."

You're doing that thing when you act like you're not listening to me, but think about what I said, okay?

You got any of your homemade granola here?

It's been so long since I had any.

Oh, you miss it?

So much.

We sell it for 6.50 a bag at the store.

(CHUCKLES) Yeah, well, why give it away when you can...

(GASPS) God!

Ooh. Kiss goodbye?

Mmm.

(CHUCKLING) Ooh! She wants to be courted.

I can do that. Oh, honey, thanks for the coffee.

Oh, God!

(WOMEN CHATTERING)

Oh, my God! Now what?

(GASPS) Three pies? Oh, this is a feast!

I don't know what's got into me lately, but I have so much energy...

(BREATHES HEAVILY)

...which is probably the result of all the sex I've been having.

(LAUGHS)

(BLOWING RASPBERRY)

I'm actually not kidding.

I'm having an affair.

With a married man.

(GASPS) What?

JOANNE: When did this happen?

Where did you meet him?

(CHUCKLING) "Where did I..." Well, it started in New York.

New York, last week?

JANE: Mmm-hmm.

We did it once there and once here.

Or maybe, maybe more than once there.

I don't know. I was drunk, so I'm...

You had drunken sex with a married man in New York when you went back for Luke's graduation?

(CHUCKLES) Yeah. Turns out, I'm a bit of a slut.

(CHUCKLES) Apple, blueberry or plum?

(LAUGHS) Wait, wait, wait, wait. Hold on.

(GASPS) You're not saying...

(CHUCKLES)

What?

No! You're not!

(CHUCKLES) Oh, yes, I am.

I am having an affair with Agness Adler's husband.

(ALL SCREAMING)

JOANNE: Oh, God! You're not.

That is genius.

Well, it's also sort of wrong.

I know. I know.

Oh, please, it's not that wrong.

(SOBS) But I'm... I'm so happy to be able to tell somebody.

This is the most out-of-control thing I've ever done in my life!

Literally! You know me.

BOTH: Yes! Yes! We do.

You've never done anything wrong or bad ever. No.

Ever!

DIANE: So, you're allowed this one.

Well...

I'm sorry. I kind of love it!

And he was yours first.

True.

(CHUCKLING) Not that I want him back, by the way.

Of course not. JANE: Oh, man.

You can do better than Jake.

Thanks.

No. I mean, you've outgrown him.

You've blossomed. You've feng shuied your whole life.

(LAUGHS) Yeah.

Just please don't let him talk you into saving him.

I won't.

DIANE: Janey, there's something perfect about this.

You don't have to cook for him, or clean up after him.

You don't even actually have to sleep with him.

I know. I have an ex with benefits.

(ALL LAUGH)

But, girls, what about the fact that I'm now the other woman?

I'm the one we hate!

Oh, forget about that. Agness is still the one we hate, even in this scenario.

Yeah, karma is the ultimate bitch in this one.

Let's hope so.

Okay, tell me everything! You're not getting away with anything.

You tell me everything.

I want details. Details, details. No, you earned this...

JANE: Reynaldo!

Mmm?

I want to change the breakfast menu.

Give it more life. What do you think?

What did you do, something to your hair?

No, I don't think so.

Something about you looks different.

A little more caliente?

Caliente?

(CHUCKLES) You see it, Eddie?

Whatever it is, it's working.

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

(CHUCKLES) Hello? Oh, no, I didn't do this again.

(PANTING) Adam, I'm so sorry.

My mind is just... Forgive me.

You know, if I were your shrink, I'd say maybe you don't really want to build this addition.

Oh, no, no, that's completely not true.

I'm really sorry.

It's okay.

(BREATHES HEAVILY) Oh, I like it already.

Yeah, it's feeling really good. So, this becomes your office.

Uh-huh.

You come down your new hallway.

The windows all along here. Okay.

Great. Love it!

And from here to there... Well, let me get the door for you.

(LAUGHS)

Your kitchen.

We're in the eating area now. How's the size feel?

Good.

Right now, we're at either end of the table.

(CHUCKLING) Oh! Well, it feels perfect!

I thought so, too.

Yeah. Oh!

(EXHALES)

This is heaven!

It's gonna be cool.

You wanna go upstairs?

(GASPS) Oh!

So if you were lying in bed, this would be your view.

Oh!

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Oh, gosh! Are you all right?

Mmm-hmm. Yeah. I'm fine. I'm...

JAKE: (WHISPERING) Janey? Call me.

(GLASS SHATTERS)

(AGNESS GROANS)

AGNESS: Jake!

Coming!

What were you doing in there?

Going to the bathroom.

The toilet isn't flushed.

Yes, it did.

Why were you in the shower with your clothes on?

(CHUCKLING) What are you talking about?

I heard the shower door close, Jake.

What do you have, x-ray ears?

Mmm-hmm. Yeah.

(PANTS) What's up, Pedro?

Jake took a shower with his clothes on.

(FORCED CHUCKLE)

Oh, Pedro, darling.

Well, what's he talking about?

I don't speak Pedro.

That's your department.

Don't go in the kitchen, P. I broke something.

Yo, can you help?

Yo, can you?

That looks amazing.

(LAUGHS) It's called croque-monsieur.

It was the first thing I learned to make when I was living in Paris because the ingredients are really, really cheap.

When did you live in Paris?

When I was in my early 20s.

I went there to take a six-day pastry class, and I ended up staying a year working as an apprentice in a bakery.

Wow, that's brave.

(CHUCKLES)

Thank you for taking my 47 e-mails and turning them into something so beautiful.

You are rapidly becoming one of the most appreciative clients I've ever had.

(CHUCKLES) I don't know what it is but I...

I'm always surprised when I can count on someone.

(SIGHS)

Really? (LAUGHING) Yeah.

I know it's none of my business, but I was just trying to figure out why someone like you is divorced.

And what did you come up with?

Something in the "you're too nice" department.

That, and my wife fell in love with my best friend.

Oh! No. Ex-best friend.

We were on a biking trip, he and his wife and me and my wife, through Tuscany, and on the last day of the trip, they announced that they were in love.

(EXHALES) How awful!

Not a great plane ride home.

Oh! I can just imagine.

Sitting there for hours and hours with your wife, who you know is...

Oh, that's rough.

Well, actually, they went on to Venice.

I flew home with Carol, that's his ex-wife.

And you can't imagine what it's like sitting next to someone who's crying on a plane for 10 straight hours.

(CHUCKLES) I don't blame her.

I'm talking about me.

(LAUGHS)

But anyway, they're married now, and it's pretty much an ongoing awful thing.

But you and your ex, when he stopped by the other morning for coffee, I thought, "Wow. That's the way it's supposed to be."

You two really seem to have it figured out.

Well... Yeah. We're not as figured out as you'd think.

(ADAM AND JANE LAUGHING)

I hope you don't think that I've been interrogating you, but I know what it's like to have an ex who's remarried and not have that much going on in that area.

I mean, do you date ever? Or...

Oh, constantly, actually.

(CHUCKLES) Constantly? Really?

Yeah. Everyone I know or have ever known has fixed me up and sometimes I just meet women.

I don't really know how it happens, but...

(CHUCKLING) But no girlfriend yet?

Not yet.

Mmm-hmm. Just like dating.

Actually, I find it really stressful.

You know, the last time I was in the dating world was 1978.

(CHUCKLES)

And it's so much more complicated these days.

(CHUCKLES) Oh, I know.

I can't tell you how nice it is to have a conversation with a woman and have the pressure off, not to mention a home-cooked...

(CHUCKLES) That was a compliment.

(CHUCKLES) Yeah.

Do you have a guy in your life at... At the moment?

No. No?

(CHUCKLES) No.

(JANE LAUGHING)

(CHATTERING)

(LAUGHS MOCKINGLY)

(EXCLAIMS)

This was so nice and relaxing.

And the lavender ice cream was the best dessert of any sort I've ever had, like, in my life.

Aw! Oh! Thanks.

I always make ice cream when I can't sleep, so I'm glad someone was here to eat it.

(CHUCKLES)

Great getting to know you a little.

Yeah, it was really fun.

Well...

Bye. Okay.

(CHUCKLES) Bye.

Bye.

(CHUCKLES)

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

(CHUCKLES) What? I'm coming.

(GASPS)

O.M.G., I thought he'd never leave.

(EXHALES)

Hello, Jane. (CHUCKLES) Hi.

You're looking very beautiful tonight.

(MOANS)

Oh, I love when you smell like butter.

What are you doing here?

Missed you. Mmm-hmm.

It's 9:00. Where does your wife think you are?

Yoga. Shall we do some downward-facing dog, perhaps?

(CHUCKLING) Not tonight, big guy.

(CHUCKLES) Is it really necessary for you to always say no before you say yes?

I'm not gonna think less of you, you know.

Really, Jake. I'm a little tired and I was gonna take a bath, and just...

Okay. So we'll just hang out.

(GASPS) Is that croque-monsieur?

Yeah.

Whose plate is this, yours or his? (CHUCKLES) That's mine.

(MOANS)

My God! Just like I remember it.

Don't you ever eat at your house?

Pedro dictates most meals, and he has a very limited palate. Mmm-hmm.

What kind of ice cream is that?

Lavender honey.

Not sleeping?

Not at all. You?

Never slept better. Mmm-hmm.

And my digestion is finally back on track.

You've turned my world right-side up, Jane.

You know what that means, don't you?

(SIGHS HEAVILY) No.

That I've never really known how to live without you.

You know, maybe we should be growing old together.

(CHUCKLES) I hate to tell you, big guy, we already grew old, apart.

What is with the "big guy"?

Is it because I'm fat, or is it a term of endearment?

(CHUCKLING) I have no idea why I keep saying that. I'm sorry. I'll stop.

Thank you.

I love how quiet it is in your house.

Mmm.

I have no quiet in my life. Ever.

Well, you live with a 5-year-old.

Yes. And let's not forget Pedro.

(LAUGHS)

What are you saying, exactly? What's going on over there at your place?

(EXHALES)

My marriage is not turning out as I hoped. That's obvious.

Agness started out really looking up to me. We never used to fight.

But now with the kid, lately, we're all about what school he's going to and she thinks we need a bigger house, more help.

I was hoping to cut back at work, but now that's never gonna happen.

And she wants to have another baby before Pedro gets too old, which I get.

But since we're always fighting...

(CHUCKLES) Oh, God. Listen to me.

Isn't a baby part of the deal when you marry a woman that age?

Is it? I guess so.

She's got me booked at the fertility center every other day, and she is so amped up on hormone injections, I'm gonna have to find an exorcist if she doesn't calm down.

(CHUCKLES)

I wish it was funny.

Incredible ice cream.

Hmm.

I'm turning around.

Hey, remember when we used to smoke pot and eat your ice cream in the hot tub?

(GIGGLES) The hot tub? That feels like a billion years ago.

Yeah. How long has it been since you, uh...

(PUFFS REPEATEDLY)

Me? Since before Lauren was born.

Twenty-seven years.

At least.

Huh?

(GASPS)

Are you kidding me? Oh, put that away. Oh! It's been too long.

Exactly. (CHUCKLES) I'm not gonna...

Okay. I'm gonna leave this for you. It's kind of amazing.

You take a few hits, get your sea legs back, and, uh, we'll finish the rest of it together.

(CHUCKLES) Maybe.

So, that nerdy architect likes you. You know that, right?

He's not nerdy.

And he definitely doesn't.

We're just... We're working together.

I was watching while you leaned over to open the oven, and his eyes were glued to your ass.

Hey, do me a favor?

Tell me the truth, Janey. Is this a great affair or what?

(CHUCKLES) I don't know. It's my first.

We don't even have to have sex, and it's fun.

(CHUCKLES)

I wish I could sleep over.

(CHUCKLES) I got to talk to my shrink about this. This is...

This is a lot to handle. You better go, I guess.

(EXHALES)

(WHISPERING) It's okay.

(WHISPERING) No.

Whoa! What is happening, Jake?

(BOTH MOAN)

(PHONE RINGING)

(JANE CHUCKLES)

Don't get it.

I always get it. I have three kids.

Hello? Hi. You're still on the phone?

(CHUCKLES) Plane, I meant plane.

Uh-huh? Well, how was Luke when you left him?

Oh, that sounds like fun. Yeah, let me know what I can bring.

No! I have no idea where he is.

Okay, sweetheart. I'll talk to you tomorrow.

Oh! Now I'm lying.

Lauren and Harley are giving Luke a graduation party this weekend. Sweet, huh?

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Hello, stranger. Welcome back.

I'm, uh, just getting into my car.

Yeah, this weekend sounds great.

Let me know what I can bring.

(EXCLAIMS SOFTLY)

(MOUTHING)

Okay.

(CONTINUES CHATTERING)

(LAUGHS)

Why am I laughing? I mean, it's like nuts!

(SQUEALS) Dr. Allen.

Jane, hi. Am I seeing you today?

Oh, no. I just wanted to talk. And I was wondering if by any chance you could squeeze me in for an emergency session?

(CHUCKLES) Because I'm sort of in desperate need of advice.

I brought you some coffee cake that you like.

Not as a bribe or anything. But...

I only have 20 minutes before my first patient.

Well, that's fine! I'll talk fast.

So at this point, I just need some sound, unbiased guidance.

Is having an affair with you-know-who a good thing or a bad thing?

It's a bad thing, right? This can't be... How can it be good?

It's not good, it's not bad.

(MUTTERS)

I've made a list of everything this could possibly be about at my end.

May I read it to you?

Oh, please, of course.

Uh...

(CHUCKLES) Because I e-mailed it to myself.

(CHUCKLES)

Okay. "Am I still trying to figure out why the marriage failed?

"Do I want to get back together?

"Do we have unfinished business?

"Is this about revenge? Or am I...

(SHAKY VOICE) "Am I just Ionely?

"Or is it my caretaker thing?"

I mean, the kids are finally gone now, and all of a sudden Jake is back, and I get to take care of him in some way.

Now, I understand. I get how therapy works. I really do.

We look at things, we examine them. Weeks turn into months.

And we're going on eight years now.

(CHUCKLES)

And I'm okay with that. I really am, believe me.

I... I like it, I do.

But in this case, I need you to tell me what you really think.

Like, "Don't do this."

You know, I'd like you to say, "Don't do this. It's absolutely wrong," or, "Go ahead. You'll be fine."

I actually want to be told what to do.

What's interesting is, I'm already seeing you open up more than you have in some time.

I'm thinking, through this affair, you may learn to view the world in a different way.

I'm sorry, what... I just need something more concrete.

I'm... Are you saying that I should just keep seeing him?

Because honestly, I think that if the guilt...

The guilt and the fear could go away, I could just...

I could let go a little bit and, um, you know, I could figure this out.

I wouldn't resist looking at this.

(SIGHS)

Okay. And another way of saying that might be...

Let go, Jane. It can't hurt.

Thank you.

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

NURSE: Santa Barbara Fertility Center, will you please hold? Thank you.

Jacob Adler?

Have fun.

Okay, you know the drill. You can hang your things in the closet.

The remote's on the dresser, and the materials are in the drawer.

Please deposit your specimen in the cup, and I'll see you when you're done.

(SIGHS)

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Hey, where are you?

(STUTTERS) Uh, I'm at the office.

Want to grab some lunch?

Absolutely. When?

Can you do it now? I have about an hour.

We could meet at the Stanhope, get room service.

I'll be there in 10.

See you there, Adler.

She's coming back.

HARLEY: Oh, I'm not kidding.

That is exactly what the guy said. I'm stunned.

Look at me. I'm still stunned.

Oh, by the way, I talked to my brother this morning and he is so excited about his party.

Really?

Mmm-hmm. Great!

We can fit 40 people in our place, can't we?

Absolutely. People won't sit down, but...

(GIGGLES)

HARLEY: No big deal, right?

HOTEL CLERK: Hi. Reservation. The name is Adler.

Hey. There's your...

My what?

And here's your key.

(COUGHING)

(GASPING)

Harley!

I'm really sorry, I didn't mean to spit on you.

I just had to kiss you. While you were choking?

Yeah, but it worked. 'Cause I'm not really choking anymore.

Who did you just see?

No one. That was weird.

I thought it was your cousin from... From... Oh, my sweet lord.

Now what?

Honey, I just totally forgot.

I have a conference call at 1:15.

Back at the office, so I gotta go.

Waitress! Honey, I'm serious. Stop eating. Help me call the waitress.

Anyone over here. Look over there. Call that one.

No. Harley. Harley. Harley. Harley, we can't leave.

We're meeting with the wedding specialist.

Yeah, and you know what?

Mmm, I just don't know if today's the best day for me for that.

Oh, my God!

(ROMANTIC SONG PLAYING)

WOMAN: (SINGING) When you just give love And never get love You'd better let love depart I know it's so And yet I know I can't get you out of my heart

You Made me leave my happy home You took my love and now you're gone

Since I fell for you

(EXHALES)

Your sweet love Brings such misery...

Jake? Jake! Jake!

I adore October weddings. Let me show you something we did last October.

Stunning, right?

And you can do as much of the flowers or as little as you want...

Hey, hon, I'm gonna make that call from...

...keeping with an autumnal theme. Great.

This is a gorgeous cake... You guys just keep doing this, and I'm gonna... ...with the chocolate ribbons.

LAUREN: Oh, I love it.

(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS)

Ah! Doctor.

Hi. I received a call about a Mr. Adler.

Yes, 408. His wife says he's conscious now.

DOCTOR: I'm on my way.

Okay. Blood pressure's good.

How is his heart?

Do you have a heart condition, Mr. Adler?

No. And I just had a check-up.

You did? That's good.

And when you got dizzy, did you feel your heart was beating funny?

Yes. But I was admiring my beautiful...

It's nice to hear after all these years. That's great.

(CHUCKLES)

Did you forget to take any medications today?

Took 'em all. What all did you take?

Lipitor, baby aspirin. Flomax.

Flomax?

Yes. Otherwise, I pee 40 times a day.

How long have you been taking the Flomax?

Not long. I only take it sporadically. I have to sneak it, actually.

It reduces semen, which is not good for my wife right now. Sorry.

Really?

Yes. I prefer a lot of semen.

I always have. Wow.

Okay, so good. Thanks so much for coming.

Looks like he's going to live.

Yes. My guess is Flomax is probably the culprit here.

I suggest you stay off that for a few weeks.

Which, apparently, your wife will appreciate.

Yeah, really good for me.

And I suggest you rest quietly for the rest of the afternoon.

No hanky-panky, Mrs. Adler.

(CHUCKLES) No chance, I can assure you.

Okay, are you acting like this because of the wedding?

Tell me the truth.

Not at all, I swear to God.

Because I really don't want to be one of those couples where the guy goes into a coma the whole time we plan the wedding. God, no. Please.

LAUREN: It's not worth it to me.

(EXHALES)

He's fine.

Okay!

We are back in business! Oh, honey!

Don't you just love it when a song raises you up, makes you think you can do anything when all you have to do is hear it and you're motivated, you're inspired, (CHUCKLES)

... you don't stop believing... See? Just that move?

You have no idea. Not everyone's like that.

Jake, I have a confession to make.

Back when we broke up...

I knew it wasn't all your fault.

You mean that? You've never said that to me before.

I know.

Because when you cheated, I didn't have to.

I think in some way I gave up on us.

And I'm not sure you ever really did.

I still haven't.

Are you and Agness still having sex?

Only if she initiates it.

(GROANING)

I'm trying not to rock the boat at home until you and I figure this out.

It's a lot trickier at my end than yours.

Right. Yeah. Okay.

I know you're going to think I'm leaving now because of what you just said, but, I really... I have to get back to work.

(SNIFFLES)

We got really close there for a moment.

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Hello? ADAM: Hi.

Adam? I'm not interrupting anything, am I?

(EXCLAIMING) Hi.

Hey, I just found out there's a French film festival in town and made me think of you.

So I was wondering if you might want to go to the opening night tomorrow.

Oh, that sounds so fun!

Tomorrow night? Um, let me think.

Tomorrow night. Tomorrow's what?

(WHISPERING) Say you're busy.

Agness has got a dinner thing tomorrow.

I can come over.

Come on.

You know, I would really love to.

But my son is coming home from college the next day, and I have a bunch of things that I have to do to get ready.

I'm really sorry.

Yeah. It's no problem. We can...

Maybe we can see something another night.

Absolutely. I'd love that.

Take care. You, too.

Hey, Melanie, how would you and your husband like two tickets to the French Film Festival?

Reserved seating, VIP parking.

Seriously? Thanks, Adam.

You'll make the whole thing? The roast chicken?

And mashed potatoes. And sautéed string beans.

And double fudge chocolate cake.

I know your favorite dinner, Jakey.

You haven't called me "Jakey" in 10 years.

(LAUGHS)

So, do we have a date?

(EXHALES)

We have a date.

(LAUGHING)


Why are you taking your cell to the bathroom?

Oh. I didn't mean to.

(SOFTLY) Carry him to his bed, will you?

Yeah.

And hurry back. I'm ovulating.

You are?

Why do you think I canceled my dinner?


(SIGHS)


(PEOPLE LAUGHING)

Oh, Mom, I keep forgetting to tell you about our meeting at the Stanhope.

We went there for lunch two days ago and met with our wedding specialist, and I think it could be the place.

Two days ago, you went to the Stanhope for lunch?

Yes, we did.

And we saw nothing.

Harley, what is that supposed to mean?

Who wants wine? Anyone?

Mom, you have an insane amount of food in here, even for you.

Well, I knew everybody was coming for the weekend, so I just made a bunch of stuff last night.

Looks like Dad's favorite meal.

(LAUGHS) Very funny.

Very.

LAUREN: Oh, my gosh.

GABBY: Yay, he's home.

Yay.

Oh, my God.

Harley. Yes!

(BOTH CHEERING)

Hey! LUKE: Hi.

JANE: Here he is! Hi, darling.

LUKE: Hi, Mom.

Mom, this looks amazing!

Welcome home.

LUKE: Thanks. HARLEY: How you doing?

LUKE: Good. JANE: Oh.

LAUREN: Look at this.

LUKE: It smells so good. I am starving.

Hi.

Hey.

Where should I put this?

Wherever.

That looks incredible.

Thanks.

Jake, glass of wine?

Uh, sure, thanks. Jane?

No, thank you.

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Hi, Agness. Just got here.

Okay, I will. Yeah. No, I know.

Sorry, guys, I gotta hit it.

Bye-bye.

JAKE: I've gotta stop at the market.

Agness made some pasta thing, and she ran out of olive oil.

At least she's finally cooking.

So, uh, I'll see you guys at the party tomorrow.

Yeah. It's gonna be so fun.

I told you I'm bringing someone, right?

No. Who?

Adam, my architect.

You're bringing your architect?

Yes, I am.

Like, as a date?

Yeah.

I like the idea. Me, too!

Yeah, I think it's gonna really round everything out nicely.

No one's drinking wine but me. No?

Here. Now you can stay another five minutes.

Hey. You have three bottles in there.

Janey, could I speak with you privately just for a sec?

(SIGHS)

Okay. Okay. Yeah...

All right. I think someone's talking graduation gift.

(LAUGHS)

What is it, Jake?

I don't get not calling me back.

Okay, I don't care what your excuse is.

So, that's it.

She didn't go out, Jane. She changed her plans.

And every time I tried to call or write, she caught me.

I wanted to be here.

You know what?

You were worried about rocking the boat at home.

Well, you're rocking my boat now. And I don't like it!

Honey, don't let one night... You don't understand.

I'm not... I'm not even blaming you. I fully participated in this.

But I just don't want to do it anymore.

The last thing in the whole world I should be right now is your mistress.

Sitting around at 9:00 at night, wearing heels and perfume and blowing all the candles out and wrapping everything in Saran Wrap because your wife canceled her plans.

It was just... It was... humiliating.

You lit candles?

Shut up.

Look, I've had a pretty good life these past 10 years.

I have figured it out.

I no longer feel alone or divorced. I just feel normal.

You know how long it took me to get that balance back?

No. No.

Well, I'm going in the wrong direction here.

You know, the worst part is, it feels like it used to feel.

All the little untruths that...

Hard to catch, but they mount up.

Janey, come on. It was one mistake.

No, it's...

Everything okay out here?

Kids are getting hungry. JANE: Yeah.

We're done. We were just...

Oh, Jane, it's none of my beeswax, so...

(SOFTLY) Please don't tell me.

What's up?

Nothing, punky. LAUREN: Yeah?

So we're gonna see you tomorrow night for sure, right?

JAKE: Absolutely.

What did you see and what do you know?

Nothing. Really. Harley!

Okay, he checked in, then you arrived.

Then you met at the elevator, possible kiss there.

Then the doctor went up and the doctor came down.

Then there was a thumbs-up, but that's it.

I have no idea what happened in between.

Have you told Lauren?

No, and I won't.

Hey, Mom. Dad's leaving.

Looking good. Oh, sorry. Wow.

Yes, it's so good.

Mom, it looks beautiful. Thank you.

LAUREN: Yes, it does.

Hey, Dad, thanks for picking me up.

Yeah. Bye.

JANE: ...overdone it a little?

GABBY: Just a little bit!

(ALL CHATTERING)


(UPBEAT SONG PLAYING)

Yeah.

(INAUDIBLE)


(CLEARS THROAT)

Hey.

Hey.

You look fantastic.

I'm feeling a little fantastic.

This is for you.

Really? Thank you!

Come on in. Wow. That's so...

Mmm. Will you hold that for a sec?

Oh, my God!

Mmm. Mmm.

Could be the best cake I ever made. You want a piece?

It's beyond.

I think I'm good.

Okay. Can't believe you brought me a gift. So nice!

An appointment book.

I sort of assumed you didn't have one.

Because I never remember our...

Yeah. Yeah.

Oh! I took the liberty of marking our next two appointments with Post-it notes.

And I wrote the... Wrote it in red.

Mmm-hmm.

And highlighted them in neon yellow.

Thank you. Because I thought that was a...

Oh.

I'm sorry.

I'm not.

Wow. That cake is good.

(LAUGHING)

I get it!

JANE: So, let me ask you a question.

Please don't think that I'm weird or out of line or anything.

But do you by any chance poke smot?

Do I... Do I what?

I mean, do you smoke pot?

Oh.

I haven't asked anyone that question since I was 22.

Mmm, no, I don't.

But I have. Uh, but I don't think I've had any since my kids were born, so not like in 27 years.

Oh, my God! Our kids are the same age.

And I haven't had any since my kids were born either.

Except for tonight.

I had one hit from this!

(CHATTERING O VER POLICE RADIO)

You might not wanna hold that up quite so...

I actually know him. Blueberry scone and a latte.

Oh. Hi.

Hi.

Oh, my God. That was horrifying.

I instantly saw myself in a mug shot.

My heart is... leaping out of my...

Wow. That's the most insane dashboard I ever saw.

It's like we're in a cockpit. Spectacular!

Adam, what kind of car is this?

Uh, Jane.

Hi.

Did you get this high from one hit?

Yes! I don't know what they've done to pot in the last 30 years, but it rocks!

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

(GUESTS CHATTERING)

Just don't take too much, because it's really strong.

(INHALES DEEPLY)

(LAUGHING)

(GRUNTS)

I haven't had fun in almost three years, Jane.

Bring it on.

Who's got the reefer?

(IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) No one. Keep walking, please.

(GIGGLING)

How are you feeling?

Totally fine. Me, too.

(GASPS)

Hi!

Oh! I love your dress!

Hey, Harls.

Harls? Uh-oh.

Adam, this is my oldest, Lauren.

Hi.

And her fiancé Harley.

Right.

We're on a date.

(BOTH SNICKERING)

(ROCK SONG PLAYING)

MAN: (SINGING) The one good thing In my life Has gone away I don't know why She's gone away I don't know where Somewhere I can't follow her

You got to come meet them.

I need to go.

Hey, nice to meet you. Bye. Nice meeting you.

We're gonna get some drinks.

It was really nice to meet you.

ADAM: Bye.

Adorable.

Thanks.

By the way, how great is this party?

It's great! Let's be the last to leave.

(LAUGHING) Okay. Oh!

Hey, there's your ex-husband.

Uh-oh, and he's headed right toward us.

Oh, what?

Not a great time to be feeling groovy.

Ooh, why so intense, big fella?

(LAUGHING) Hi.

Hello, Jane. Hi.

Hey!

Adam.

Good to see you again.

Hi.

Adam, this is Agness, Jake's wife.

Hi. Hi.

Ah! That's... That's such an odd sentence for me to say since that was me for most of my life.

I mean, seriously. How weird is that?

Both of us married to the same man!

Hey. What are you gonna do?

Yeah. Why go there?

Because there... it's fascinating!

I mean, if you think about it, it sort of links us in a sort of cosmic, crazy way. Doesn't it, Agness?

I mean, of all the men on the planet, we both said "I do" to this guy!

Oh, wow!

Yeah, 25 years apart.

I know you are having, like, an aha moment, but I think I'm gonna get a refill. Adam, good meeting you.

Great meeting you.

Ah, ha-ha.

(LAUGHING)

Thank you.

She has a really scary tattoo.

Janey, could I talk to you for a quick sec?

He always needs me for a quick sec.

Uh, are you okay?

Oh, I'm very okay.

What's going on? You're acting insane.

I'm stoned.

What?

You smoked that joint I gave you?

Yeah. You told me to. It was amazing.

Well, you weren't supposed to smoke it with him, you were supposed to smoke it with me!

Ooh, somebody's jealous.

Well, yes, of course. Why shouldn't I be? You're my...

What? What am I, Jake?

You're my ex-wife, lover...

Hmm.

...oldest friend, girlfriend.

Okay, you are hilarious.

And because of that, even though I kind of hate youllove you, I'm gonna let you have some of this.

You love me?

I mean, I heard "hate" had top billing, but...

Oh, my God. Are you smoking weed in the guest bathroom?

Yes, we are.

And we'd appreciate it if you would not tell anybody about this.

No, never. Just add it to the list.

Care for a toke? No.

I don't smoke marijuana.

Me neither. Okay, one hit.

Okay. All right.

(LAUGHING) Oh, my God!

Is that what I look like?

Oh, man!

(COUGHING)

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

(EXCLAIMING)

I love this. Turn it up.

(UPBEAT SONG PLAYING)


They must be hammered.

Something like that.

(COUGHING)

Sweetest divorced couple in the world.

(INAUDIBLE)

(LAUGHS)

Jake, I gotta go.


Wow.

Fun is not overrated, is it?

You know what's great?

What?

How much I like you.

Thank you.

I really like you a lot, too.

Even though... Oh, you didn't say "a lot."

I was thinking it.

So, I'm not too old for you?

How can you be too old for me when I'm older than you?

(LAUGHING) I just figured that all the women you're fixed up with are 35 or...

Jane, your age is one of my favorite things about you.

And... do you think...

Do you think you have any more of that chocolate cake at your house?

Hungry? Starved.

(JANE LAUGHING)

Oh, God.

Oh. Officially now the best date of my life, pre- or post-divorce.

(LAUGHING) Get out.

Okay. So, basically, I can make you anything on the menu.

No!

Or even not on the menu.

Really?

Mmm-hmm. Just name it.

Okay. Wow.

Uh... Oh, what about a warm chocolate croissant?

Oh, it's my specialty.

Okay.

(LIVELY FRENCH SONG PLAYING)

(BOTH CHATTERING)


Here it goes.

Oh, my God!

Oh, baby.

(MOANS APPRECIATIVELY)

Hmm.

It's crazy how good this is.

And I'm not even stoned anymore.

Neither am I.

Well, then, merci, monsieur.

(CHUCKLES)

Do you remember when I asked you the other night if you were dating anyone, and you said no.

But it felt to me like you were maybe saying yes.

(INHALES DEEPLY)

I was sort of seeing someone.

But it's over now.

(CHUCKLES)

Honestly.

Because I don't wanna fall for someone who's seeing someone else.

I wouldn't be able to take that again.

I understand.

I wouldn't say it was over unless... Unless it was.

Great.

Oh, it's a cooking scar.

(CHUCKLES) Big batch of hot caramel.

And what about this one?

Oh, that was boiling sugar.

(CHUCKLES) Yeah, I wasn't very skilled in the beginning.

(BREATHES HEAVILY)

That is a... From a large French

sauté pan.

Would it be all right if I...

Mmm-hmm.

(BREATHES HEAVILY)

I was going to say "kiss you."

I figured.

And if you feel this is in any way wrong because we're working...

I don't.

I don't.

Hey, sleepy.

Hi.

What time did you get in?

I have no idea. Lauren and Harley drove me home.

(CHUCKLES) I'm surprised you remember that.

Hi! I didn't know you slept over.

We were playing Scattergories with Gabby, and Harley fell asleep on the couch.

Oh, sweet!

(LAUGHS)

I got cold in the middle of the night.

Wow.

(GIGGLES)

Okay, who's hungry? Who wants what?

Hey, baby.

Hi. What is Dad doing here?

Everything okay?

(EXHALES) I left Agness.

(GASPS) No. Don't say that.

Janey, she saw it in my eyes.

Saw what?

That I'm still in love with you.

I admitted it, told her all about us, and I've left her.

For you.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

What do you mean? This is crazy, Jake!

Are you telling me the truth?

This feels so right, Jane.

What's going on?

Go set the table. I'll be right in.

Uh, Mom, nobody cares if the table's set except for you.

Okay, then do it for me. Just go in. Please?

What's up, Dad?

Uh, just having some problems on the home front.

I wanted to talk to your mom for a sec.

Uh, problems on the home front?

Is one of you seeing someone else?

JAKE: (CHUCKLES) Oh, no. No.

Nothing like that. I just, uh, need a hotel or something for a few days, till I get my head together.

It's that serious?

Mom, can Dad stay here for a few days?

JANE: No.

He can share my room.

You know, I don't think that's the best idea, Luke.

Daddy. Are you crying?

(INHALES)

(SOBS) I'm sorry.

(SNIFFLING)

Mom!

(CHOMPING)

Mommy is the best cook in the world.

(FORCED CHUCKLE)

(INHALES DEEPLY)

(WHISPERING) Think about what he's doing.

He's nuts. Mmm.

Thank you for saving me, Janey.

(EXHALES) Jake.

You knew all the kids were here.

Shouldn't we have talked about this?

Agreed that it was the right thing to do?

I'm sorry.

No, no. This is just so typical.

Only thinking about what works for you.

I guess I should have called before showing up.

And I'm not sure you left Agness.

(CHUCKLES) Maybe she saw something and threw you out.

What's the difference? I was drowning over there.

I'm not gonna get that many more chances to figure myself out. Yeah.

Janey, let's use these couple of days to see if we can make this work!

No. We can't, Jake.

I told you this the other night. But...

No, you... Please listen to me. You...

You were pissy because you thought I stood you up.

Things are different now. I'm a free man!

(BREATHES HEAVILY)

Can we just hug?

I hate that you're being so distant.

It's literally giving me a pain in my stomach.

Oh, God. Come here.

(GROANS)

(MUMBLES) You okay? No. See? Too much.

Okay. Good note.

Uh, can I help you with what you're doing?

Maybe hold your basket?

I'm fine.

Okay, I'm going to go to the video store and get us a DVD we can watch tonight.

Mmm-hmm. We'll have movie night, like old times.

How's that? I'll make the popcorn. (SOFTLY) Oh, God!

Fine.

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Hello?

I love knowing that I'm coming back here.

(CHUCKLES) Hi! Oh.

Yeah, I slept great. How about you?

Um. Oh!

(GIGGLES)

I know. It was.

It was, I know.

Thanks, Daddy.

Can I help you, sir?

BEN: What? Oh, no. I'm just...

Are you here for an affair, sir?

(GABBY LAUGHS)

BEN: What?

MAN: The Singleman party, sir?

Oh, yes. The Singleman party.

MAN: It's in the main ballroom.

BEN: Ah, thank you.

(WHISPERS) I'm so happy.

LUKE: I never have food in my apartment.

GABBY: I know. I don't either.

LUKE: Oh, get the mashed potato.

GABBY: Yum!

Why are we still hungry?

LUKE: (CHUCKLES) I don't know.

GABBY: It's... LUKE: Oh!

Any leftovers?

Uh, are you kidding?

Any of that noodle thing left?

Oh! Where's your mom? She disappeared so fast after the movie.

She's probably sleeping.

I think she's on her computer.

Tonight was weird.

So weird. Still is.

I loved tonight.

Yeah. That's why it's so weird.

Just to see you in your robe in our kitchen.

Remember when you weren't even allowed in?

Mom used to go out to the car to talk to you.

You know, I don't even really remember you and Mom as a couple.

What do you mean? You were 10 when we broke up.

I was 12, actually.

And I don't know, it's just... It's all foggy to me now.

You don't remember us in Hawaii or all of us sleeping together in that tent in the backyard?

Yeah, of course. I just... I don't remember, like, you and Mom hugging or waking up together.

Luke.

(CHUCKLES) It's okay. I'm not damaged or anything.

Dude, speak for yourself. I am definitely damaged from this divorce.

Hello, troops.

Why are you still here?

I don't know. You and Mom sleeping in the same house?

Harley thought we should stay.

She exaggerates. I just thought, perhaps, you might want to talk later or...

Is that the noodle thing?

Oh, I'm sorry. I think I ate it all.

Dad!

I didn't know anyone wanted it.

(ALL LAUGHING)

JANE: Back up. Back up. A little bit back, so I can see. Oh!

Very festive.

Okay, thanks.

It was gift from my ex-sister-in-law.

I have no idea why I kept it. Into the pile.

Hey, Jane, take a look at the pile.

Yeah. Nice!

Ah! The pile's moving.

Murphy, get out of there.

(LAUGHING)

When I was in India I had this made, but the guy ran out of fabric, so he didn't give me long sleeves, or short sleeves.

It's weird.

Uh, and kind of girly.

Not what I should be going for.

How about this? Gray sweater, very old.

Oh. But cute.

You're sure? Now you don't have to say that just because you nixed the last 20 things.

No. You have to keep that. It's cozy.

You are helping me so much, by the way.

Okay, Adam, I feel like... I gotta pee.

Oh, good. Me, too. I'll meet you back in 30.

I'm putting you on the desk.

I'm not in there.

Can't hear you!


(HUMS)


(SCREAMS)

No! Mother of... Whoa!

What?

What are you doing in here? I wanted to see you.

Get it off! Why are you naked?

Why do you think?

Oh! I'm gonna be sick!

(EXCLAIMS IN DISGUST) Not working! Big close-up!

Oh, the other side.

No, no, no! No!

No! Okay!

Mom! Everybody okay?

What's happening?

Okay. Just let me explain.

The reason that I left Agness was not just because my marriage wasn't working.

I've also fallen in love...

Back in love with your mother.

Maybe, I never stopped loving her.

Is this a joke?

I know it's shocking, but I think this is the best thing that's ever happened to me.

Your mother and I have been seeing each other ever since New York.

(SCOFFS) Mom, is this true?

That part is, but...

I found my way home.

I hope she'll take me back.

Why is everyone crying? Why isn't this good news?

(SOBS) Because we're still getting over the divorce.

Oh! Mom, are you and Dad getting back together?

No.

We're not.

(SIGHS)

(EXHALES HEAVILY)


Lauren...


(GASPS) No! What...

(EXHALES)

(EXHALES DEEPLY)

Glad you're here, boss.

(SIGHS)

Now, Jane, I know you don't need my advice, but...

(CHUCKLES) I got this one.

Yeah. Yeah, I know you do.

(EXHALES)

Knowing how to be divorced is next to impossible.

And sometimes, over the years, I have thought that your dad and I weren't quite finished.

(EXHALES) And as it turns out, we weren't.

So, I went out of my comfort zone, which I found out if you're really honest with yourself, isn't all that comforting.

And I experimented with a part of myself because I wanted to know if after all these years there was still something there between us.

And was there?

Mmm, there kind of was. Yeah.

But, Mom, you have to understand how bonkers this sounds to us.

Mmm.

For two people, who for years couldn't be in the same room together, to then have an affair.

I know. It was hard for me and I was doing it.

I hope you'll forgive me for confusing you.

And betraying your trust.

But, I did this for me.

And I did it for him.

And I realize that even though your dad and I once had something extraordinary, now we no longer really fit together.

But he is a part of me. He always will be.

So, it's over now? You guys are back to being divorced?

Mmm-hmm.

For better or for worse.

Come here.

My littles...

Okay, I'm coming in.

(GRUNTS)

JANE: Oh!

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

ADAM: So, did you get the elevations?

ADAM: Yup, we like them, too.

Uh-huh. Yeah. No, we can definitely do that.

And I can have more for you by mid week.

Sean, uh, can I call you right back? Someone just...

Thanks.

Hi. Hi.

May I come in?

Uh, sure.

(EXHALES)

I didn't call you last night because I wasn't sure you'd take the call.

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

And then I thought that could go on for months.

I would've taken the call.

Oh! Okay. Well...

Anyway, it's better to say these things in person, Adam.

The man that I was seeing...

I think I'm up to speed on that part.

Yeah. Anyway, I want you to know it didn't last long.

You're divorced. I mean, maybe you can understand when a marriage ends there's doubts and hurt and when you have kids, you just...

Sometimes you wonder if you did the right thing, and the moment presents itself and...

I get it. I could imagine it. I could.

And I told him that it wasn't going to work out between us, but I guess he didn't hear me or believe me.

And, uh, unbeknownst to me, he showed up at my house yesterday and he has left Agness.

Jane, I actually think I understand what happened.

But, you know, um, I'm not as macho as I appear.

And I think it's probably best for us if we don't get any more involved.

Because your relationship with Jake isn't really done.

And I know you're saying it is, but he's still in love with you.

And for everyone's sake, I think that should probably get resolved.

Wow. So that's how grownups talk.

Please don't tell me that you're going to quit my job and ask Peter to take over now.

'Cause then I'll never get to see you. And...

Um... I was thinking of asking Peter to step back in.

I hope you don't.

Thanks.

(EXHALES)


I'm sorry.

How far back does that sorry go?

How far back do you need it to go?

Way back.

Consider it an all-inclusive apology.

From not being the husband you needed to showing up nude on your bed last night.

Yeah.

(CHUCKLES) What were you thinking with that move?

That you would find me irresistible.

Mmm-hmm.

I never considered the alternative.

Got to love that about you.

Oh, man.

I can't believe I got up to bat again and blew it.

You didn't blow it.

(SIGHS)

We blew it.

We blew it the first time around.

This time we just should've known better.

Too much time has passed. Too much has happened.

And you don't think we could make it right?

Does that mean you thought it didn't feel right either?

Being with you, Jane, is the best I'm going to be.

But do you agree it...

It wasn't really...

It was complicated.

Begging for an answer.

I thought it was good.

I wanted it to be good.

Well, it's as close as I'm going to get, I guess.

(WHISPERING) Do you always have to be so hard on me?

(EXHALES DEEPLY)

No, I don't.

I don't regret giving it another shot.

Probably would've been better if you hadn't been married.

(CHUCKLES)

It may never have happened if I wasn't married.

(LAUGHING)

Yeah.

(CLICKS TONGUE)

(INHALES)

I don't regret it either.

(SIGHS)

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)


(GASPS)

Good morning.

Good morning.

Did you know it's good luck to start building in the rain?

Really? Oh, yeah.

It's a well-known, very good, really lucky omen.

(CHUCKLES)

Good. I can use one.

Would you all like to have your meeting inside?

It's dry and I have hot coffee.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Jane, I need to ask you something.

You don't happen to have any of those amazing chocolate croissants, do you?

(LAUGHS) Oh, you like those, huh?

I do have incredibly fond memories of them.

Oh, well, I don't have any here, but we could go into town and get some, right out of the oven.

Do you want to do that?

(LAUGHS) Okay.