It's Not the Size That Counts (1974) Script



Est-ce que je suis la seule?

La seule, mon coeur.


Eldest pour tumours?

Toujours... et toujours... cherie, Garissa.

Get him! Come on, come on! Hurry up!

OK! OK, sweetheart, Hold it right there.

The name's... Jeffcott.

Worldwide investigations, Okay?

Are you, uh... Percy Edwin Anthony?

Pas obligatoirement.

Vous ne me peux pas duper. Et je parle le Francais aussi bien que vous, mate.

C'est pas vraie.

Je suis un detectif." Privvy...

...etje bosse pour la votre femme, right?

Mm. I mean... merde alors!

Nice little bit of fruitcake you got there. Congratulations.

Alright, lads! In you get! What the...

Call the next case' please.

Anthony vs Anthony.

M'lord. My client' Mrs Moira Luella Anthony...

...petitions for divorce on the grounds of adultery by her husband...

...Mr P. E. Anthony...

...on various dates during the past year...

...with Mrs Clarissa Cloughampton.

Well, actually it's pronounced "Clatton".

Oh, excuse me... Mrs Clarissa Clatton.

It's quite alright.

Miss Doris Sedgewick, ...Olivia, Lady Buxtehude...

...Mrs Agnes Barnes Mullins...

...Miss Philippa Barnes Mullins...

...Miss Shirley Bernstein...

...Miss Annabella McAllister.

...Miss Esmerelda Jones...

...Miss Karmasutra Gupta...

...Miss Maureen Sugden... Cooee!

...The Countess of Meihlone... Percy!

Oh! Sorry, me lord.

Miss Barbara Crockett...

...Miss Ulla Bergstrom...

...Madame Genevieve Beausoleil...

...Her Highness, the Renee of Badawar...

...Senora Isabella Covarrubius.

Percy Edwin Anthony.

Percy Edwin Anthony'?

Oh! THAT Percy!

THAT Percy!

That lewd, promiscuous, disgusting... lucky little swine!

"God knows I've tried hard"

"To just say no"

"But your devil eyes excite me"

"And suddenly, I can'! let go"

"God knows I need you'

"I can't pretend"

"When your burnin' arms that hold me

"My heart just starts to melt again."

I don't think the judge likes me.

I don't think he does, Percy. Prejudiced, I would say.

Definitely prejudiced.

Can't imagine him showing me any... what's the legal word for it? Clemency.

Not a monkey's, old chap.

And don't forget...

...he's now the Secretary of the Society for the Retention of Capital Punishment.

They can't hang me, Manny! Not for putting it about! Not these days.

What doesn't help, old sport, is that one of the co-respondents is the judge's niece.

Oh, my God!

Well, it's worse than that, really. He only calls her his niece.

He keeps her in a pad off the Old Brampton Road.

Ewwww! That's disgusting!

Which one? Sedgewick.

Doris. Sedgewick? Doris!

She said I was the only one!

That hurts. That REALLY hurts.

I'm sure, squire.

Perhaps you understand how your lady wife feels?

But recently I was trying to make amends. Honestly! I was!

During the last few months, apart from Clarissa, I've only been unfaithful to my wife once.

Who was this with?

The Ada Lampkin Formation Dancing Team.

Just the ladies, Manny!

"God knows I've tried hard"

"To just say no"

"But your devil eyes excite me"

"And suddenly, I can'! let go"

"God knows I miss you'

"'cause I can't sleep"

"But while I'm lost and lonely"

"I'll dream about you every night and day,"

Oh, yes... the ladies' man, isn't it?

Too late for that now.

Short hair and an MCC tie ain't gonna do you no good.

Your number's up' my son.

You is about 10 pay your penance for your permissive ways, you is.

"Some of us were meant to bring joy into the life of others."


"...and some of us is randy pricks."

D.H. Lawrence.

Have you come to express the indignation of the girls in blue, madam?

Or to escort me into Court?

Wouldn't go in to no Court if I was you.

Scarper... if I was you. How? If you was me.

It's not impossible.

Well, um"? 2-1-7.

Well, er". 2... 1-7.

It would seem an opportune time to improve relations between police and pubic.

Promise not to blow my whistle?


Oh, Percy!

Oh, 2-1-7!

Iris' please. Oh, Iris!

Will you think of me, Perce?

Forever and ever, Iris.

I think you're the top of the milk, you is, Perce.

(ripping sound)

The zip's caught... in your knickers.


"Where's Percy?"

That is the question everyone is asking.

Ever since he disappeared during that...

...sensational divorce case of a few weeks ago...

...Percy has been missing.

Nobody's seen him.

Nobody knows where he is.

Our reporter investigates.

Well, I have with me a man who's...

...investigated the very same Percy once before.

Now Sir, the, er, name is, um...? The name's, er... Jeffcott.

Er... Jeff'? No, no, no, no, no. It's one word: "Jeffcott".

Worldwide investigations.

Universal Private Eye.

Now, look. I'm very sorry, Sir...

3A, 14 Prince Consort Gardens, Harlesden.

Look' I'm just simply trying to... Catch the No. 11 bus to Willesden Green.

You get off there, you turn left and you see a little alleyway.

You go up there, you go upstairs...

...and my secretary Maisie, she's the best knee-trembler in Kensal Rise, ...if your knowledge of this man actually gives us any theory at all?

Well, well, you see, this guy...

...This guy, he figures he's gonna finish upon an alimony rap.

Like, that's a lot of G's for the rest of his natural So he figures, he figures' "no way!".

"No way!!!"

So he' so he takes it on the lam out the country. That's all.

Oh, excuse me. I beg your pardon' Sir.

It's alright. It's alright. It's alright.

Don’t fuss. Don't fuss, I'm alright. Thank you very much.

Now, I'm going to try and grab a quick word with Sir Emmanuel Whitbread...

...surgeon extraordinary, and the man who performed the first...

...and only, penis transplant in medical history.

Sir Emmanuel is, of course, now the director of the Whitbread Institute...

...for Sexual inadequacy.

And I can see him at the door, and I'm just going to try and grab a quick word.

Sir Emmanuel, would you be kind enough to answer a few questions?

Could you tell us exactly what has happened to Percy'?

Do you think the unprecedented publicity has been too much for him, or... could he really be suffering from something?

Just a quick word, Sir Emmanuel?

There's a great deal of interest in this matter, as you probably realize.

I'll tell you what he's suffering from, old boy- folly de grandeur, that's what!

He's grown too big for his breeches.

He's too cocksure by half!

Thank you, Sir Emmanuel.

And so the question remains unanswered.

Is this the end of the story'?

Have we seen Percy's last stand?

Well, we may never know, because Percy just seems to have vanished... the face of the earth.

"Dancing with you, here in the soft moonlight."

"Pink champagne, too, here in the candle glow..."

"is all that I need. So why not cuddle up close?"

"Just you and me, the sea and pink champagne..."

Friday, March 12th.

Fiftieth day at sea.

So far, I have managed to avoid all...

...shipping lanes and aircraft flightpaths.

I... am... alone.

And experiencing a calm of spirit I haven't known since... ooh...

...before my accident.

"Do you let it hang low, do you swing it to and fro?"

"Do you tie it in a knot?"

"Do you tie it in a bow?"

"Do you get a funny feeling, when you bash it on the ceiling?"

"Oh, you'll never be a sailor if you let it hang low."


Testing, testing.

"A thin muslin shift clung enticingly to the contours of her young body,"

"Lying in folds across her boyishly flat belly..."

"...and drawn taut across the swell of her, firm, brown breasts."

"He could see the rosy pink nipples..."

" rose buds about to explode."

Nothing. Huh!

You're finished, old squire!


Not a shadow of your former self.

Oh, Bollingers!

The B-52 army transport which exploded over the Pacific at 04:32 hours, California time...

...was en route to Honolulu, on a routine supplies mission.

No explanation for the explosion...

...which resulted in the total destruction of the aircraft... and the tragic loss of its crew... possible at this time.

But' sabotage is not, repeat, not suspected.

That is all.

Some of us have reason to believe that the plane was carrying...

...highly toxic, chemical warfare material.

Will you confirm or deny this?

Sorry, Frank - I've given you all I have.

It was PX-123, wasn't it? No comment.

If it was PX-123, what'll the effect be of all that gunk floating about in the sea'?

No comment! No comment! No comment!!!

And that's our positive information at this moment in time.

Well, Dr Klein, you're head of the Department of Chemical Warfare.

What WILL be the effect of all that gunk floating around in the sea?

Dr Klein?

Er, did you say something, General?

I asked you a question, dammit!

What happens if PX-123 gets into the domestic water supply?


...I'll level with you, General.

I'm damned if I know.

Testing, testing.

"Beneath the frayed denim of her Levi shorts..."

"he could see the swell of her tight buttocks."

"...even prettier up close."

"Her complexion was flawless and creamy smooth."

"A softness in her lips, as though they were made to be kissed..."

"Under the blouse, her well-formed breasts pointed at him."

Dr Klein?

What is it, Dr Fainlveather? I think you should take a look at this.

It's PX-123 I DO wish you wouldn't do that.

My God, It IS PX-123!

You didn't object too much to it last night.

Concentration one per hundred thousand.

I just don't like it in the lab - that's all.

Now will you please cut that out! Alright.

What sample is it from? This one, This one? Mmm-hmm.

Ahoy! It's traveling, huh?

Alright. Mark up a positive.

Yes, Sir.

Colorado River, Colorado.

Latitude 109 degrees. Longitude 36 degrees.

Doctor, what does this mean?

It means, Dr. Fairweather...

...that any day now, PX-123...

...will be in the domestic water supply of every country in the world.

Dr Klein! Will you please stop that!

There is a time and place for everything.

Alright - when? What time?

I don't object to the stationery store. Good!

Well? Anything to report?

Oh, er, it's nothing positive, General- we're still groping.


Oh, wow!


Focus, focus...

What's the matter with the... thing?

Well, move in!


"Miss Annabella McAllistair. Miss Esmeralda Jones."

I think.

"Miss Karmasutra Gupta. Miss Ambrosine Fitz-Fonesque."

"Miss Maureen Sugden. The Countess of Methlone."

"Miss Barbara Crockett. Miss Ulla Bergstrom."

'Madame Genevieve Beausoleil."

"Her Highness, the Renee of Badawar."

"Senora Isabella..." Forgotten all about them.

Oh, my God!

And I'd forgotten all about you!

I've got some bonza news, good people.

All the little animals in here have been on an exclusive diet of lettuce leaves...

...heavily impregnated with PX-123, for fourteen days now.

And, as you can see, with absolutely no ill effect whatsoever.

Personally speaking, I have never known such healthy bunnies.

And believe you me, General- I know my bunnies.

Don't I? Good morning, Hilda. Good morning, Fred.

Male and female, of course.

Bucks and does, Doctor." we used to call them back in the old days of the Australian Zoological Institute.

But, you know, General - that's one thing that's faxing me, Take... take little Hilda and Fred here. They're the champions.

They're usually in like Flynn at the drop of a lettuce leaf.

At it all the time - the little buggers never stop playing "sink the sausage".

Or "carrot" - in this particular instance.

Well, maybe it isn't the screwing season?

Please watch your language, General. There are does present.

There are does that do...

...and does that don't, Speak for yourself, Doctor, From my clinical experience, General.

With bunnies...

...every season is the screwing season.

Even art books!

Manet's "Olympia".

Alright, it's erotic... but it's a masterpiece, for God's sake!

Supposed to stir the soul, not the bloody loins.

You... little bastard.

What do you mean, "they're all impotent"?

I mean, in a word' General - that not one of the poor tittle buggers can do it.

Do what?

Must I be explicit, General?

Dip the wick.

Sink the sausage.

Play hospitals. Cars and garages.

Ships and harbors. Bunnies and burrows.

What's the matter with you, General? Can't you understand plain Australian?

And you dragged me away from the White House just to tell me that?

Where the hell is Klein?!

This is his rabbit!

I-I mean, his pigeon.

Dr Klein.

Dr Klein! Dr Klein!

Dr Klein!

What's the matter'?

I don't know, Don't you find me attractive?

You must be joking. I'm crazy for you!

Well, in the lab you can't keep your hands off me!

What's wrong with here?

Are you allergic to the carbon paper?

I don't know, Honestly, this has never happened to me before.

I'm sorry! Ohh!

Dr Klei... Oh, there you are, Dr Klein!


I felt you had to know, Dr Klein, that all my male bunnies are...


See this little doe, here?

Yes, It's weeks since she had a decent buck.

Dr Anderson...

...I have news for you!

"Here I am"

"Just aching for you'

"Please, take me soon"

"Can't wait much longer"

"You are the one"


"The one I love" Never!

"The love inside" Never!

"Is growing stronger"

"Can't you see?"

"Open your eyes'

"You're missing me"

"You're missing love"



I'm coming!

I'm coming!

I must get... to the nearest port.

"You've missed so much"

"My love, my peace, my heart"

Ladies and gentlemen of the press...

...will you please be seated.

This same bulletin is being simultaneously issued to the press... every capital city in the world.

Due to the pollution of domestic water supplies.

The entire male population of the world... impotent.

Thank God! Thank God?!

I thought it was only me!

Tout les hommes du monde - et, par consequences, ce qui plus importante...

...tous les hommes de France - sont impuissants!

Radio Fusione e Televisione ltaliana.

Tutti gli uomimi nel mondo... sono impotente!

Tovarischi. Moy bolshe ni tselny muschini.

Excuse I.

I think we've heard quite enough twaddle and hoohah from...

...all those unsavory little foreign persons, don't you?

I think I can speak for every wholesome Australian housewife...

...when I say how thrilled to bits we are by this wonderful news.

Which only goes to prove, I think, that Dame Nature herself, MUST be an Australian.

My husband. Norm...

...never tampered with me on our honeymoon.

And, thanks to this happy accident... joy can now be shared by millions of young brides... who were absolutely dreading the population explosion.

I'm proud to say that my husband, Norm...

...shares my views on marital hygiene.

He's rarely spoken to me of unsavory matters...

...and since the birth of my youngest son, Kenny."'s a point he's very seldom raised...

...and is most unlikely to raise again.

Buenas tardes.


For heavens sake! Just a flaming minute!

I'm just as anxious as you are, you know!

Or do you want to go on without me, and I'll meet you there'?

'Cause as long as you stand there in that state, I can't get my trousers on!

Thank you.

"Tonight is gonna be the night"

"I try to stay awake, I try"

"I just can't win"

"So now I'm givin' in to all I feel"

"I'm in a nervous state"

'Findin' it hard to conceal"

"Tonight is going to be the night"

"And it's gonna be just out of sight"

"I've tried to behave"

"But now I've gotta see my family"

Buenas tardes.

Buenas tardes, senor.

Una... Fundador. Porfavor.


Where can I get a woman?

Por favor.

No entiendo.

Just a minute. Uno minuto, uh.., Senor.

Puede... dirigirme... al bordelo... mas." cercano?


Um... Pu... puede... dirigerme... erm... al bordelo... mas... cercano? Comprender?

A bordelo, eh'? A Jig-jig-jig-jig?

You know? Bang bang!

Comprender yet?

Cochine Inglese! No tienes compasion!

Does it amuse you to insult our manhood?

Yo! Pablo Peralta de la una leccion en cortesia!

Sorry... t-tum right where?

Gah! Easy, Pablo. Easy.

I'll handle this.

What are you playing at?

What are you trying to do, you bloody fool Get your head stoved in? You're English!

Yes. Barraclough. Foreign Correspondent.

English newspapers? No! Don't panic, old son.

They haven't used anything of mine since a U-boat scuttled itself in the harbor.

Cheers. Cheers.

You know you really upset old Pablo with that... little joke of yours.

I've been at sea - on my tod for months. Almost a year.

I've sailed 500 miles out of my way to get to this dump.

And I did it for one reason, and one reason only - and that's to get myself a good fu...


Will you please stop doing that!

Do you mean to say you've been at sea for a whole year?

That is exactly what I mean.

That explains my tension.

My... impatience. Explains my shaking hands... perspiring brow... my fevered loins.

What'? No pods of call?

No pods of call, no.

What about your radio?

I have no radio.

What about water?

I drank only champagne.

Stay there.

Oh, I don't suppose you have any... pesetas you can let me have'?

I-I'll pay you back later, of course.

No foreign currency, I'm afraid.

I was hoping to find a brothel that takes Diners Card.

Oh, well... can't be helped'


I want my camera!

Dame mi maquina.


Give me my camera, or I'll puke all over your nice clean bar again.

You give me the money that you owe me.

I give you camera.

Look - if you give me my camera, I'll double the money I owe you.

What do you want, eh?

My dearest Senora Lopez.

A word in your shell-like.

Ooooo, hahaha! The good Lord is merciful!

Welcome to the mouth of the Amazon.

And to this house of joy, of course. Venga!

Todas las chicas!

Ah, you like, eh? Oh yes!

Isn't she beautiful? Sexy? Yes.

Look, look! Very much, yes!

Their hair's like silk.

And not expensive - no, no, no.

Look at her. Look at her - look at her legs.

And the bosom, mmm!

And everything, is everything the best in my house.

Don't you think so'? So young, so pretty, so innocent, And, perhaps, a little bit of...

Oh! No?



They're all - what you say'? Up for grabs.

See... haha. Now you choose, por favor.



Difficult. Very.

However. Si?

Av. Chiquita!


Que pasa?

Get your arse up those stairs and don't argue. Vamos!

Now, where were we'?

The mirror room? Ah, si! Chiquita?!

Numero siete!

It's a waste of my time and your money.

Sorry if I interrupted your... chess... game or something.

I've been at sea, you see?

And, well...

...naturally one gets a little, um...'s only natural, really.

I mean - all that fresh air.

Hurry up, huh? Just get on with it.

Sorry. Won't be a jiffy.

Well, er... Miss.

Oh! What a Whopper!




Get back, you scum, you!

Give Percy a little bit of privacy.

Thank you.

Thank you so much.

And... I'm sorry again about the inconvenience.

I didn't mean to come at the wrong time.

You say sorry... my lovely? I'm sorry.

I mean, next time - no come so soon, uh?

How was it? Wooh!


Well, Chiquita?

He want to see you next, Dolores!

Wowee!! Yippee!!

Ah! Dolores, What's a girl like you doing in a place like this?

Stand still!


Dirty, rotten, filthy... lucky swine.


That's what a nice girl like me hasn't been doing in a place like this.

Could you manage Maria next?


Maria! Vamos! Pronto! Get!

Ah, Maria! This should be good!

He's going through the card. The bastard!

Oh! I forgot to ask... do you take Diners Card...?


American Express?

Barclaycard or Fortes Trust Houses. Access?

Harrods? Oh, Si. Si. Yes!

Really?! Harrods?!

Well, who'd have thought it!

Who? Barraclough'? Hah. I don't believe it!

It's that piss artist, Barraclough.

Wants to know if we'll accept a call from South America.

I don't believe it. Huh! Straight up!

What's the Spanish for "get stuffed", then?

No, hang on.

Hello, Millie? Mr Simmonds here.

Put that reverse-charge call through to me here, love, will you'?

Bloody nerve of it.


Listen, you drunken bum...

...if I ever hear of you passing yourself off as a reporter for this...

...newspaper again I'll have you hung by your...

What's that again?

You found a man who can... what?!

Yes, and I've got pictures of him doing it!

His name's Percy Edwin Anthony... mend he came here out of the blue a couple of hours ago.

And ever since, he's been up at Signora Lopez'.

And when I say he's up there, I mean... he's... UP there!

What's that name again? Not yours, you bum!


Edwin Anthony?

Holy cow!


Well, I'll say...


Uh I'd just like to say, thank you very much.

Sorry if I seemed a little... over-indulgent, like.

Just that I've been at sea, you see?

Hadn't actually had a good... done the deed since...

...PC 2-1-7 in the back of a van overlooking Portland Bill.

Well... it's been very nice... very nice indeed.

Oh, almost forgot there. How much? How much?

Money. What about the money?

Oh, forgive me! But of course.

I am sorry it cannot be more.

These are hard times, senor,

Come again soon!


Thank you. Thank you.

You know, given half a chance I think you could start a revolution.

No... we're not that good... are we?

Is anybody that good?

Perhaps they just had a thing about an Englishman's thing.


...maybe we caught them at a funny time of year.

Humidity, or... something.

Anyway... calmed you down, hasn't it?

It was nice.


That Maria. Wasn't she something?!

So sweet. Lovely smile and eyes. Firm, big...

"Oh, I know I'm gonna miss the sand in my hair."

"Roll In the tide and the salt in the all"

"Deep inside, it's true"

"I'm a home-lovin' man"

"Comin' home to you'

"I know I'm gonna miss the wind in my eyes"

"The shimmer of light when the seagull flies"

"Though I've traveled far"

"I'm a home-lovin' man"

"And home is where you are"

This has just arrived, Prime Minister. From the Admiralty.

Ee, what'? What just arrived?

Percy's progress.

Oh... yes. Where is the filthy, rotten, lucky, I mean, er...

...where is he at, Catchpole?

Well, I can't understand longitude and latitude, Prime Minister.

I'm not a nautical man.


You spend enough time down at that pub near the Naval College.

God almighty, the apathy and indifference!

I only use that pub to get your sandwiches, Sir.

But you forgot the mustard. I did not!

Nor the pickled onion.

Oh, good, good - let's have 'em. Come on, come on.

Good, that all looks nice.

Now then, about this, er, Percy feller. He mustn't be lost.

You must tell that to the Air Force and to your Naval cronies.


...that lad is Crown property...

...and I don't want him sea-poked by the Americans or the Moody French.

We might be a poor relation of the Common Market. We might be a fifth-rate nation.

We might not have much of an Empire left.

But by God, there's only one erection in the whole universe... and it's got a GB plate on it.


Catchpole? Yes, Prime Minister.

This is French bloody mustard, you ponce!

I want it known that my suicide was not a last desperate act...

...born out of despair and loneliness.

And the fact that my Bollinger '69 has run out.

No! It is an act of faith.

Faith in a better world, Where a man can hold his head up high.

And, only... his head.

There you are. That should do the trick.

That should close the file on Percy Edwin Anthony...

...once and for all.


...I can go ashore... some deserted, out-of-season Devon resort...

...steal away under cover of darkness...

...and start a new life... welcome obscurity.

Percy Edwin Anthony...

...we hereby commit your body to the deep.

Ta ta, Perce,

Eventually, I could seek out Clarissa, I suppose.

Trouble is, I can't see Clarissa living in obscurity.

My wife certainly went to a lot of trouble.

Are you Percy Edwin Anthony?

Not necessarily.

Are you sure you're not Percy Edwin Anthony?

Don’t think I know you, do I?

Oh, yes, you bloody do. Do I?

Don't remember. Been away' you see. Been at sea.

We want Percy! We want Percy!

Just look at that bloody crowd.

Have I ever had a turn out like this? Have I? Have I hell!

Not even at Durham Miners' Gala.

I don't know what's happened to the old values...

...that made this once-proud country.

I mean, in them days, Catchpole, this kind of adulation...

...used to be reserved for monarchs or prime ministers.

Or your war won or Everest climbed, a four minute mile or a golden disc, I don't know. What's he ever done? Nothing!

Just happens to have the only eight inches in the country, that's all.

Nine, Sir. What?

Well, speak up' lad. Don't mumble.

According to Whitbread, the surgeon, Sir - it's nine.

Or even nine and a half. Depending upon humidity.

Good God!

We want Percy! We want Percy! We want Percy!

On behalf Her Majesty the Queen...

We'd better get him out of here!

I bought you these.

To welcome you back to your home...

Calm down! Calm down! Calm down!

Get the mounted horses! Yes, Sir! Right, Sir!

The mounted horses, Sir!

Right, Sir!

What about the pound in your effing pocket now, mate?

Look, chaps' would somebody please tell me what on earth's going on here.

Put me in the picture? Clue me in, as it were? Alright?

You know who I am, surely?

I'm Henry Snope, lad.

What am I supposed to say?

"You are Henry Snope, and I...'

"...claim the five pounds and a night out with Miss Dairy Queen."

Mr Snope is... the Prime Minister.

I've been Prime Minister for the last six bloody months, lad.

God almighty. Apathy, indifference... What's happening to this once-proud nation?

I'm terribly sorry, Mr...

It's not our fault.

We inherited a legacy of four years' Tory misrule, didn't we? You forget that.

And I'm Charles Bleeker. Head of the Special Branch.

Top security. I haven't done anything!

Oh, yes, you have, mate. Oh, yes, you have.

Honestly, lnsp... Sir!

I-I've been away, you see?

I've been rather out of the picture.

I haven't stayed on top of things.

On the contrary.

You're the only bleeder who has!

About a year ago, an aircraft of the United States Army Air Force took off." from an airbase in San Diego, California.

You mean, I'm the only one? The only one.

But, in the whole world? In the whole, wide world.

I can't spell it out any dearer, lad.

Well, I'll be... You will, mate.

And frequently. Why?

Why only me? The drinking water.

There you were, bobbing about on the Pacific Ocean... quaffing your Bollinger '62.

'69. Oh, really!

Now, I'm...

All right, Catchpole. We know you know your vintages.

We know you're always quaffing champagne out of the... of Bentleys at National bloody Hunt meetings.

I drank nothing else but, right?

We were mixing that filthy water with our Scotch...

...and castrating ourselves in the process.

So, nobody... well... none of you have... Er, no.

None of us. Not for a long time.

Seems even longer. Getting longer with each passing day.

Women. Are women affected?

None of them.

The desire's still as strong as ever. Getting stronger every day.

All over the world, In every corner of this great planet earth.

From the frozen wastes of Siberia to the uncharted regions of the Orinoco.

There is a woman, wanting it.

And, there is a man.

Unable to give her it.

Except me.

Oh, er, except you.

We want Percy! We want Percy! We want Percy!

We want to love you!

We want Percy! We want Percy!



Never mind the far reaches of the Orinoco.

Just let me provide for half the King's Road.

Don't be disgusting! You filthy... I've been at sea, haven't I?

All that fresh air, does something to you.

Pull yourself together, you horrible rascal!

Bat as much as an eyelid and I'll have you, lad!

Steady, Bleeker, steady. Simmer down, simmer down.

Sorry, Sir.

Bit over the top' was I, Sir?

I'm a celebrity!

I mean, now, shouldn't one, as a celebrity, make a... gesture to those legions of little Percy hoppers?

You aren't making a gesture to anyone, lad.

You're far too important for that.

You've got the only one in the country!

And ifs not being wasted on shameful, sensual pleasures of the flesh.

My God! What have you got in mind for it?

Er, the details of that have not yet been finalized.

But for the moment you can say "farewell desire", "goodbye nookie".

You're going under wraps, lad.

This is a matter for the United Nations.

Well, I don't agree, thank you very much!

In fact, I think I'll just be on my way.

I can still leave, can't I'? This is still a free country?

I'm the Prime bloody Minister, lad!

Of course it's a free country!

That is one quality I have retained for this once-proud nation.

Good, good. Well, good - I'm glad to hear it. Right then, I'll be on my way, then.

This is the legacy of four years' Tory misrule...

Oh! I rather gathered you were leaving...

...old sport.

Let me give you a hand.

Or two.

Oh! Ooh.


Thank you. It was my pleasure.

Should we do it again? Slowly? Oh, yes.

My name's Maggie.

Oh! I nearly forgot.

Stick it up! I mean stick them up! Er, whatever they say.

Please. Maggie... don't wave it around like that.

I'm sorry, but I'm not missing this chance.

Hands up! Trousers down.

I can't do them both. Not at the same time.

Alright, then. Trousers down.

The army's outside.

I'm supposed to be under wraps.

I'll get shot! You'll get shot if you don't, Alright, alright.

Alright, I surrender.

I surrender.

I'll just...

...tum the shower off.

Well, hurry up. We haven't got all night!

Worst luck!



Hello! I'm Angie.

Oh, my God! They're everywhere!

Crawling out the plumbing, Now listen... Angie. Be a good girl.

Ah, yes, but, uh... I'm not a good girl.

I was Miss Teenage Lust, 1973. Oh!


I-It's just that... the United Nations wouldn't like it.

United Nations isn't going to get it.

I am.

Oh! Look!

There's no need to be shy.

Oi! Hands off-he's mine. Get lost! I saw him first.

Girls, girls, girls! Please, don't fight.

Remember. Two's company...

...but three's a ball.

A threesome! Fantastic!

I go first! No, me! Me!

Girls, girls! Look". I'll choose.

Grab 'em, men!!!


We were only playing a little game.

You play all the games you want to, old son.

The sporting equipment belongs to the world.

Let's hope I can make it go round.


This is Heathrow Airport, London.

And an international research team has just arrived.

Headed by the prominent toxologist, Dr Kermit Klein.

Accompanying Dr Klein is Dr Candice Fairweather.

And the highly respected Australian zoologist, Dr Anderson.

Now, they're here in London to find an antidote...

...which will cure the effects of PX-123.

Where am I?

They always says that!

Who always says that'?

People what's brought 'ere.

How did I get here?

Drugged, I suppose.

Brought 'ere under cover of darkness, Drugged like all the rest of 'em.

You want some cocoa? Oh, yes, please, Corporal.

Yes, please' Corporal.

Yes, please' Corporal.

You can call me Brian.

Brian? Yes, mate?

Where am I?

In a Government establishment.

Unknown. Unspecified.

And top, top secret.

It's about, three mile south of Godalming, on the B2130.





...sort of place... is this?

Well, it's a sort of a cushy nick. Nick?

Yeah. VIP nick, They bring you 'ere to give you a false sense of security an' comfort...

...prior to interrogation an' torture.

Mind, I don't think you're down for that - torture.

It ain't on me schedule.

This way' please.

This is the person you asked for, Sir.

You are Jeffcott?

Yeah, yeah. That's me, yeah.

I'm sorry we kept you at the door so long, But the footmen are playing the gardeners at cricket.

That's okay, mate. I mean, uh... that's perfectly alright, Sir.

That will be all, Miss Hanson.

You know who I am?

I, uh, recognize the face, Sir, um.

I've got a trained, photographic mind.

Well, my picture was in the Express only this morning.

Well, I've remembered it ever since.

I mean, you have to in my business.

Then you will know that I am... Mammoman!

The world's richest man?

Well, a billion isn't what it used to be' Jeff.

No, ifs, uh, Jeffcott, Sir. It's all one word.

Jeffcott. If you like.

Now, this Percy person. This Percy Edwin Anthony.

You know him, I believe? I believe you know his ways?

You... sought him out once before, didn't you?

Once before.

And once again.

That is the point of this exercise, isn't it?

Now, I am aware that he is a "guest" of the Government.

Under lock and key, no doubt.

But, uh... people can be bought.

People can co-operate, can't they?

I've always found that, Mr Jeffcott. Haven't you?

It's just a question of the right word, in the right ear.

Or the right amount of readies in the right pocket.

Right? What?

Oh, yes Sir, yes.

And you are such a stupefying idiot you couldn’t...

...possibly be connected with Mammonian, could you'?

Well, yeah. I mean, no - no, Sir.

Oh, now look, Sir. This... this isn't my line of business, Sir.

I mean, I'm more for the old adultery, you know?

Rather than corruption in high places.

I mean, if you want somebody followed, Sir - I'm your man but...

What was that, Sir?

That would be the gamekeepers shooting the young campers.

Take a dim view of trespassers and poachers.

People who do not follow my instructions.

Now, where were we, Mr... Jeffcott?

Corruption in high places, Sir.

We, therefore, add our support... the motion tabled by our esteemed colleague...

...the delegate of the People's Republic of Cuba.

That each nation here assembled shall choose, from among its citizens, one woman.

That woman to perform for her nation... this task of such selflessness...

...such heroism and nobility of purpose.

Into the hands of these women of all nations, fellow delegates."

...we now do solemnly entrust the future of all mankind.

What's that all about, Hervey? The Chinese are asking for two women to our one.

Wouldn't you know it.

There he is,

There we are, old sport.

Sorry about all that Top Secret bullshit.

All that "going by the book" nonsense.

Pardon me, Sir.

But I've played it by the book all me natural, Sir.

Oh, do pipe down, Bleeker! Are we still on the 2301?

Happy now? We won.

Maureen works near here, Maureen Sugden.

Works a petrol pump. Just near here.

I used to know her. You know...?

Quite regularly.

Usually behind the car wash.

Couldn't stop for something, could we?

Your windscreen's filthy.

Now Percy, please... We've been through all this.

Your body is Crown property... The sheer Moody irony of it!

I'm the only Moody one who can, only I bloody can't!

Wish I'd had a glass of that blasted water.

Try and pull yourself together, you wretched little man.

I'm quite together, thank you.

Heart and pulse quite normal. Perfectly in control.

Maureen! Percy!

Maureen! Oh, Perce! Perce...!


Whatever it is - no!

I just don't want to know. I'm tired of being a guinea pig. Of being a... freak!

I'm not doing anything for anybody.

But it's for the sake of humanity! For mankind!

More than that - it's for England.

I don't give a monkey's about England.

For your Queen? No.

For the flag? I said no. And that's final, For God's sake' lad. AH we're asking you to do is... make love to the choicest bloody females in the land!

"... The field of green. Red white and blue, what does it mean to you?"

"Surely you're proud? Shout it out loud. Britons awake!"

Ladies and gentlemen, we present... live from London!

The United Kingdom finalists, for the Miss Conception International Contest.

Let's hear it!

Thank you. Thank you and God Mess yer, ladies and gentlemen.

Now tonight, we are assembled here, to choose...

...from among contestants from all over the British Isles...

...the lady who is going to be Miss Conception International, United Kingdom.

All right. Without any further ado, shall we join the ladies? Yes'? Yes!

Oh! What a fantastic sight. Eh, fellas?

I bet that exceeds your wildest dreams!

I know most of you have been having some, er...

...fantastic dreams lately!

Now, it's all up lo all of you, and, of course...

...our panel of distinguished judges at the from, here... to choose who is going to be Miss Conception lnternational, United Kingdom.

Who is going to be your own, your very own, Miss Conception?

Which girl is going to win the prize... make her the envy of every woman in this whole world?

Whoa! Look at the knockers on that tot!

Who is going to get her hands on Percy?

No, but, seriously folks. Also, the wonderful knowledge for both of them...

...when they realize, that they're saving the whole world...

...from extinction.

Ladies and gentlemen our first contestant!

And to think I get paid for this as well! What a job, right'?

Now then, me darlin'... um... what is your name please?


Could you come a little closer to the microphone, miss?

Patricia Birchwood.

Ah... Patricia Birchwood, isn't that a lovely name, now.

Now, Patricia - let's see where you're from, shall we'?

Oh, yes! Bristol City, fellas!

No... but seriously, Patricia. I mean up till now...'ve really come through this competition with flying colors.

I mean, you've had the... um... physical

...and the sexual arousal and the fecundity test.

And also the erogenious, ahm Erogenous!

What's that? Oh, well, hello there, Professor, yes.

Ladies and gentlemen, thank you very much indeed.

Eroge... E... E...


Ladies and gentlemen - down here, the Professor.

A wonderful, wonderful man.

And a wonderful brain. Professor, please...

...please, Professor. Would you ask your first question, please?

Miss Birchwood?

Would you kindly tell me all you know of the three laws of thermodynamics.

Let me see, now. Yes.

The First Law of Thermodynamics... heat and mechanical energy are mutually convertible.

And the Second Law of Thermodynamics... heat cannot flow continuously, from a colder to a hotter body... a sew-sustained process.

And the Third Law of Thermodynamics... the absolute zero temperature... minus 273 degrees centigrade...

...can never be reached.

Absolutely correct!

Wasn't she wonderful? Isn't she really wonderful?

Um... excuse me.

Now then, me darlin'. Just think carefully, now.

If you do win this competition... what would you really, I mean, what would you really want?

Are you joking?

What I really want is a good fuck!

Thank you. Thank you very much indeed.

Promiscuous, permissive little tart!

No moral decency. Flaunting their wherewithal tike that.

Mmmm... cop Miss Darlington!

Oh, Percy, Percy, love! Percy!

Shhh, shhhh, shhhh!

Not so loud!

How'd you get here?

I saw you, Perce. I followed you on me moped.

Course, they wouldn't let me in, So I shimmied up the drainpipe.

But I'm twenty floors up, Maureen!

Oh, love will find a way!

Oh, Maureen!

Oh, you always loved me - didn't you, Perce'?

Of course I did.

Why else would I use the 2301?

It's much quicker up the A3.


I didn't know whether you would love me as a real woman... or just because I give you Green Shield Stamps, Even when you didn't top up.

I've always been grateful.

You must have furnished your flat on my Stamps, Perce.

And I furnished my head, Maureen.

Undo my bra, love!

He's at it again!

Anthony - you horrible, wretched creature! Unhand her!

For God's sake, Bleeker!

She's an old friend. One old friend isn't go to do any harm, Take your hands off me!

You eunuchs!

Leave me, you eunuchs!

Gawd preserve us - what are you, eh?

The world has selected its finest for your pleasure.

The creme de la creme of the Earth's crumpet... compelling for the unique privilege of your nine bleedin' inches.

In my day, lad... it was twelve!!!

We want Percy! We want Percy! We want Percy! We want Percy!

And here they come - looking absolutely stunning in their national costumes.

And first out of the coach is going to be the very, very beautiful Miss India.

Resplendent in her national sari.

And here's the very' very lovely Miss West Germany.

The beautiful Miss Hungary.

And here comes the utterly amazing Miss Greece.

There you are, viewers - what a sight.

What a bevy of... talented ladies.

And following up at the end there, obviously Miss Brixton.

I've said it before and I'll say it again.

There's absolutely no substitute for superlative craftsmanship.

Ooh! No substitute at all!

Here we are, Ducky. Just slip into this.

Bleurgh! Do I have to wear this?

What difference does it make'? You'll be having it off in a minute.

Oh! What have I said?

Well, doctor'? Oh! No, no. Fine, fine.

Pulse is a little faster than normal. But, then, wouldn't yours be?

Don't worry. There's a fully equipped medical team standing by...

...and countless volunteers for mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

Get everyone out of here, Catchpole.

Certainly, Sir.

Ooh! You beast!


No need to tell you how important this is.

England expects.

The eyes and the ears of the world will be upon us.

Or... upon you, of course.

It's not being... not being televised, is it?

Of course not!

Well, er... not public-wise.

I mean... I have to have film for... for my diary... For, for the records!

History, lad!

I'm terrified now.

You know'? Doing it for mankind.

It's a heavy thought.

Oh, it's just pre-match tension, old son. I mean, butterflies in the stomach.

The butterflies are a bit... lower down, in my case.

For God's sake, Percy, lad. Percy!

You're doing it for England!

They're the finest eugenically selected specimens of the world's womanhood...

...not one with an IQ of less than 150, is coming in here...

...and you're going to give her one!

For England!

Think of it like that, lad.

The gold medalist for sexual bloody intercourse.

I'll try, Prime Minister.

I'll try to rise to the occasion.


How long has this been going on?

Since first thing this morning.

Look at the lime scallywags!

They haven't actually copulated yet, but they're getting affectionate.

They're getting warm!

Which serum did you use?

Don't get over-excited please, Doctor - you're hurting my arm.

Anderson - which serum did you use?

This one.

8357 stroke B stroke 8432'

Anderson, you're doing a grand job.

You don't propose using that on human subject, do you, Doctor?

That is exactly what I intend.

But it hasn't been clinically tested. It may not be safe!

What I am about to do now, I do for all womankind.

You are beautiful. And I want to make love to you.

Of course. But first... let's eat.

Oy vey. No gefilte fisch?

Who's he? That's my husband.

He likes to watch. Excusez-moi.

Dr Fairweather. Where are we going?

Dr Fairweather. What are you doing'?

Dr Fairweather. Please!

I insist on knowing. Where are you taking me?


In here!

"Are you ready?"

"Really ready?"

"Cause I'm coming. I'm coming for you!"

"I'm an American child, and I'm ready for you."

"I'm gonna drive you wild. I know you want me to."

"I'm an American dream."

Right on, man! Let's groove it...

...and improve it.

Yeah! Wild!

White is beautiful...

But it worked straight off with the rabbits! I promise.

But listen, Dr Fairweather - this is the fourth you've made me take.

Maybe they're not safe?

"Safe", did you say, Dr Klein'? "Safe"?

Did Louis Pasteur think of safety when he shot himself full of bacilli?

Did Marie Curie think of safety when she exposed herself to radiation?

Did Paul Ehrlich think of safety when he gave himself the clap?

All right.

I only hope it works out better for me than it did for poor old Paul.

Oh, hallo. Hallo, Sheila.

My name's Marlene. G'day, Marlene.

Confucius, he say: "Three in a bed is better than two in a paddy field".

No! No! Stop! Stop!

Enough! Enough! Please! Please! No, please!

You... horrible little specimen.

Take 'em away.

Take them away! That's it! That's it! Enough!

This is how the world ends, gentlemen.

Not with a bang...

...but with a whimper.

The Percy Crisis. With two-thirds of the world's female representatives still to come...

...Percy has gone into a state of post-coital collapse, The event, Motherhood International, organized jointly by the United Nations...

...was only in its second day, although a spokesman...

"promised an early resumption of normal service.

One of the many offers of help which have poured in from the medical profession."

...has come from Sir Emmanuel Whitbread... mine eminent surgeon who performed the historic operation on Percy some years ago.

Look. ls there anything wrong with the lad, or is he just being bloody-minded?

Well, there's nothing organically wrong with him. In the broad sense, I mean.

You might call it... "too much of a good thing".

One might say he hasn't got the courage of his own erection.

Can he be... er... treated?

Of course. But to do so I should have to remove him from his present surroundings.

Remove him? In secrecy, of course.

With respect, Sir.

Have you any idea how many people are waiting outside to get their hands on this little bugger?

And all for different reasons.

Yesterday we spotted an Orthodox Jewish lot who want to circumcise him.

Well, that's rather outside my field.

Well, I must be leaving, gentlemen.

If I may bowdlerize a popular expression... the balls, gentlemen, are back in your court.

Fear not! They'll have to let me have him.

"What do I see? The face of an angel."

"Staring at me. Staring at me."

Ah! Thank you, Jeffcott.

In you get, Mother. Mother!

Get in, you fool!

Menopausal amnesia.

You lose him, Harris, and I'll have you!

More than your life's worth' lad. Yes, Sir.

I won't lose him, Sir.

More than my life's worth, Sir.


How long do I have to stay like this?

Oh! Hold tight, Mother.

The sods trying to shake us off!

I know I'm always asking this...

...but what the hell's going on?

Not now' there's a good chap. I'm baking for a street.

Ah, there it is.

Look at that Moody fool!

Watch what you're doing, Harris. You almost hit that van.

Drive on, man!

Drive on, Sir? That's what I said, What are all those people gawping at?

I don't think they are people, Sir.

I think they’re sides of beef.


That's a pig!

Well, why won't you tell me what's going on, and where we're going?

And why?

And who's responsible for all...

Oh, shut up, me boy! You wanted out, didn't you?

Oh, yes. It all got too much.

Well, you are out. And it won't be too much any longer.

No more pressure.

No more responsibility.

No more sexual gymnastics.

It's all over, me boy.

Hey! You're not going to cut it off again?!

Well... hah! The thought had crossed my mind.


I know this one.

Manet's "Olympia".

Used to make me randy on the boat.

The real one’s in the Louvre, you know?

No, The real one is the one you are making at.

The one in the Louvre is an exceptionally fine copy, mark you.

That's reassuring.

Er, thank you' Miss Hanson.

Well, I'm happy to meet you, Sir.

Well, I'm... happy to meet you, Sir. I suppose.

Oh, Percy... this is Mr Stavros Mammonian.

Oh, well, I never!

You know who I am?

Well, I know you have a few oil tankers and a few wives...

...and are not short of the odd drachma.

Obviously bright.

Fine... fine build. Yes.

Slightly round shoulders. Probably smokes too much.

Otherwise a... well, a healthy young specimen You shall be well recompensed, Whitbread.

Oh, I hope so, Sir.

It wasn't easy but I... I pulled it off.

Under the circumstances, I do hope that that is a figure of speech.

Why am I always the last to know every flaming thing'?

What do you mean, "well recompensed"?

I will tell you why, young man.

I am, as you see, an unwell man.

I have had many wives, as you say. But, alas, no children.

Therefore there is nobody in a direct line to inherit Mammonian Shipping.

So it's down to that again?

"Percy and His Magic Penis"!

"Is it a man'? Is it a bird? No, it's Super Stud!"

You said you'd get me out, yes!

Out the Moody frying pan, into the fire.

And it's his old lady's fire I've got to light!

Don't be outraged, young man.

The kings of ancient Greece did it all the time.

Ye Gods! Yes, them too.

You've abducted me, Stolen Crown property.

How much is he paying you?

The recompense includes yourself, young man.

And it was generous.

You can start a new life in the sun.

A villa in Acapulco, with...

...tiled floors and dusky sewing girls.

Come over to lunch with me on Sundays, and we'll compare polo ponies.

Look... I just can't manage it.

You can have too much of a good thing.

And I... had too much of a good thing.

Which has left me with not much of a thing!

It'll all come back to you, I promise - with rest.

And a lot of chicken noodle soup.

Honestly, Doc...

...I can't look a woman in the face. It will be only one time.

I'm sorry. It's just not on.

Think of it as a gift. For me.

For the man who has everything.

No! Not even for me?

Oh, this is my wife - Clarissa.

Clarissa... the famous Percy.


Oh, but of course. You two already know each other.

Oh, a long time ago.

But I think he's changed.

Now let me take a closer look.

Ma chere. No, he... he hasn't changed.

Oh, Clarissa.


Oooh... Good heavens!

Don't drop a stitch.

Oh, God...


In God's name, what did you do that for?

Just for old times' sake.

Now, the home news.

Since the discovery of PX-123 in the world's water supply...

...and the subsequent effect of "erectus interruptus".

The number of suicides fell slightly last month.

According to figures issued there is a drop.

Yes, Anderson?

Oh, take a dekko... there.

Rabbits! So what's new, Anderson? We ail know you have a thing about rabbits.

Dr Fairweather.

My God! They're at it... rabbits.

Which serum did you use?

I don't think it's a question of the serum, Dr Fairweather.

I think it was only a matter of time.

Once we purified the water supply, Dame Nature put the clock back.

In fact, I'm certain of it."

...Dr Fairweather, because I've just noticed something.

What, Dr Anderson?

You're a very attractive woman, Dr Fairweather.

I never noticed it before...

"but you're lovely.

I like you better than my bunnies.

Dr Klein!

I must tell Dr Klein!

I only wanted to play a little botanical game...

..."Gladdies in Vases"!

Dr Klein!

Dr Klein!

Don't do that!

There is a time and place for everything!

It's no good - I can't go on. I can't live in a world without lust!

Dr Klein.

Dr. Anderson's rabbits are doing it!

Come with me, my love... maybe, in the laboratory in the sky...

His rabbits are cohabiting!

Take my hand.

Don't be afraid - ifs but one giant step, Alright.

But' Dr Klein.

What is it, Dr Fairweather? Will you kiss me goodbye?



Hold me, Dr Klein, kiss me!


Dr Fairweather?

Dr Klein...?

Something is happening.

Something is definitely happening!

Oh, Dr Klein.


Dr Klein.

Dr Klein. Oh, Dr Klein!

You are the most... selfish, inconsiderate, egocentric, lying, adulterous...

Oh, Clarissa! I've only every been adulterous with my wife.

I've always been faithful to you.

In principle.

You've made an art out of infidelity... wretched specimen of manhood.

I may be wretched, but I am - in fact - the only specimen of manhood around.

Well, I wouldn't touch you with a ten-foot pole, I've already been touched by a ten-foot Pole... and a six-foot Swede...

...and a three-foot-six Cambodian. You...

Darling, please - I only love you.

Honestly! Darling, that vase is an antique. Priceless.

Don't harm it - it's the only one in the world. Just like me!

You shouldn't harm me, either.

Oh, please. Look...

...I know - I was unbearable. It's just that...

...success went to my crotch.

God, I missed you... you little bastard, you.

Missed the fights'?

Missed the lot.

I missed you, too.

Honestly. While I was at sea, you figured very strongly in almost all my sexual fantasies.

Really? Mmm.

Yes, darling? Nothing.

"Sometimes it's hard to hide true love and true devotion"

"When there's no star to guide us through the night"

"So, darling, cuddle up, and the warmth of my emotion"

"Will keep you safe until the day arrives"

Laddie! What the devil are you doing?

Huddlin' together for warmth, Sir.

I learnt that in combat trainin'.

Not with civilians, you're not!

Well, I think it might be wise, Sir.

I saw this film, once - about these two blokes and Stewan Granger.

Lost in the desolate waste of the frozen north, In constant fear of frostbite and maraudin' wolves.

Huddlin' together helped them, Sir.

Start that wretched motor, will you?!

Yes, Sir.

Think it's a bit cow,

Really! That marathon look it out of me, Clarissa.

"Un embarras du riohesse". That's what I'm suffering from.

It's just going to take a little time to get it started.

Don't worry, darling.

I'll start it for you, hmm?

We made it, Sir!


Get cracking, lad. Look lively. Chop, chop!

Yes, Sir!

Backwards, you fool!

Come on. Move, can't you? Move!


Percy? (Marissa?

Am I the only one?

The only one, my darling.


And this is forever'?

Forever... and forever... dearest Clarissa.

And forever, and forever.

Oh, no! Not again!

Come on, Perce boy!

Back to the grind.

Excuse me, madam. Duty calls.

Shit! Hmph!

Merde alors!

But how has the tragedy of PX-123...

...affected the ordinary man and woman in the street?

I've come here, to a typical bus queue, to ask...

...ordinary people about nearly twelve months of celibacy.

Madam. I hope you don't mind my asking, but how has impotency affected you'?

I always use saccharin - it's far less fattening. Thank you.

Um, Sir - do you mind me asking how impotency has affected you at all in your life?

I don't know, mate. I haven't had a bit in a year.

Thank you very much. Ah, here's two gentlemen. Sirs...

...I wonder how this tragedy has affected your private lives?

Well, personally, it's brought us closer together.

Oh, yes... wild thing!

Thank you very much.

We interrupt this programme for an important announcement.

Very sorry, Father!

Here' speaking from Number 10 Downing Street is the Prime Minister.

The Right Honorable Henry Snope, Get stuffed!

I've got to get out of HERE!!!

...And so, it seems, that while our scientists were trying and failing... to find the solution, Mother Nature was preparing her own miraculous antidote...


We now know that the terrible effects of PX-123 are only temporary.

Reports are pouring in from all over the world.

Suggesting that mankind is once more in full command of his God-given powers!

So, therefore, let me say with Shakespeare's Henry the Fifth...

..."Once more into the breach, dear friends."

Into the breach! The whole nation! No, no, no - eh, eh, no!!


Going up'? Certainly am!


"My God, this feeling's like a long lost friend"

"I thought it was gone, gone - but it's here again"

"And I... am'! gonna waste the time"

"Do you remember?'

"Lying awake each night. You thought we gonna be"

"Watching TV for the rest of our lives"

"Well, I'm happy to report"

"We're doin' nothin' of the sort!"

"I got that old feelin' back inside again"

"I thought it was gone, gone - so I can't explain this change"

"It's hard cos it's kinda strange"

This is all right. Oh! Miss Hanson?

Miss Hanson?

I've got something to show you, Miss Hanson.

Get your clothes off!

I thought you were never going to ask!

Miss Hanson?

Miss Hanson? Miss Hanson?

Miss Hanson?

Miss Hanson?

Ah! Miss Hanson?

Miss Hanson! Was it something I said?

Oh, Miss Hanson! Darling!

UP, please' Down, boy!


No, no - Miss Hanson. Don't go!

There's two million sex-starved men in London, and I had to pick a transvestite!

Oh! Excuse me' madam.

Do you mind? No, that's all right.

Did you notice that young lady, Harris?

I noticed she 'ad a lovely body, Sir.

Firm breasts, slim thighs.

Finely chiseled bones and a flush on 'er cheeks which highlighted 'er basic sensuality.

But that's all I noticed, Sir.

I noticed all that, too!

Yes, Sir!

I have a strange, unaccustomed feeling upon me!

So do I, Sir. Yes, Sir.



Come on!

Thank you, Constable.

Many, many thanks.

That's all right, madam. Madam?

Percy! 2-1-7!

Hello Perce, me old darlin'. Hello!

What you doin' in drag, then?

That's a long, long, long story, 2-1-7.

That's all right. It's a long way from here to Portland Bill.

As you say, 2-1-7.

Do us a favor, love? What?

Take that bleedin' dress off!


"God knows I've missed you'

"I can't pretend. When your burning arms enfold me..."

Bye, Percy! Come again soon!