It's Pat: The Movie (1994) Script

There comes a time in everyone's life

when he or she must ask themselves

some very important questions:

Who am I?

What am I?

Where did I come from?

As I remember it, I started life

down the road most traveled.

[pop]

Ha ha! Here we are.

Whoops! Baby: Ooh!

Whoa-ho. Sorry there, little tyke.

Mrs. Riley, congratulations.

You are the proud mother of a beautiful 7 1/2-pound baby--

Doctor, come quick. There's an emergency in Ward G.

Well, is it a boy or a girl?

No time. Look for yourself.

Whoop.

It's Pat.

Uhh.

♪ [piano]

♪ A lot of people say "What's that?"

♪ It's Pat ♪

♪ Ma'am or a sir ♪

♪ Accept him or her ♪

♪ For whatever it might be ♪

♪ It's time for androgyny ♪

♪ Here comes Pat ♪

♪ [scatting]


♪ [continues]

♪ It's time for androgyny ♪

♪ Here comes Pat ♪

♪ Here comes Pat ♪

♪ Pow ♪

Pat, narrating: Hi. That's me in the fourth grade.

Oh, on the right.

Will you be my valentine, Pat?

What?

Are you kind of confused today?

I was always very popular.

Pat, will you be my valentine?

Oh, I'm sure.

Why don't you take a reality pill?

Terry is my valentine.

[giggling]

By the time I reached high school, I was confident, and I thought

I'd figured out all of life's big questions.

To me it was the adults who seemed confused

Have a nice day.

Then I reached maturity.

I finally found a job that allowed me

to take full advantage of my special people skills.

Here comes the mail.

Boy, this is the career for me.

Oh.

Eileen.

Prepare yourself.

That battle-axe mother-in-law of yours is gonna come for a whole month.

And, uh, you're being audited.

Hope you get to keep your home.

The world was my oyster.

But then I turned 33, and, like many great figures in history before me, it was a year that changed my life

as I knew it forever.

How long have we known each other, Pat?

Four and a half days.

Let's make it five.

Got a complaint from Mr. and Mrs. Kogan.

Seems you opened a letter from their son and you told them he was gay.

That's right. I say that's life.

Move on, accept.

That's a federal offense, Pat.

Being gay?

Opening someone else's mail.

Oh.

Well, I'm looking forward to the sorting seminar this weekend.

You're fired.

What?

What I mean to say is there's nothing wrong with your work per se.

It's just that I kind of have to let you go.

But I don't want to be fired.

I didn't think you would.

You're not, uh, disgruntled, are you?

No.

You're fired.

Madness!

Whenever I lose a job, I like to forget about my problems

and help others-- say a neighbor in need.

Pat, can I help you?

Oh. Hi, Kathy.

Every time I look in your front window, I notice the clock on your VCR is blinking.

I could fix that for you in a jiffy.

Oh, uh, okay, if you want to.

Well, I can't do it right now.

I have to come back when it's convenient for me.

[chuckling]

[humming]

Hi, Tippy.

Oh. Oh, Pat. What do you want?

I just thought I'd stop by and pick up a few personal items.

Oh, no, no, no. Please, remember?

No, I don't want to know about your sex life, okay?

I just want to get a few toiletries.

Uh, first of all, I need some protection.

Oh, dear God. Okay. All right.

From underarm wetness.

I'm never one to offend.

2.50, then, all right? And you're out.

What am I, in a race? Whoa.

Well, kind of. It's late.

And I need a lubricant.

What?

For my eyes. They're drying up, due to the pollen and dust in the air.

Oh. Oh, great.

Help me, someone. Just help me.

And I need some feminine napkins.

Oh, I'm in hell. I am in hell now.

You never know when Aunt Wilma's going to stop by for lunch.

Thank you. That's it, all right?

Guess so. Okay.

There you go. It's yours.

Okay. Don't you want me--

Go now. Just go on--

...pay or anything?

No, it's on me. Go ahead and go now.

Okay? You're gone. Bye-bye now.

Bye.

Tippy was clearly unhappy in her job.

Well, so are most people.

Not me. I was free as a bird.

Girl: ...a very busy day.

Man: I saw the guy. They built right on him.

[laughter, chatter]

Hey. How you doing?

Houston, we're proceeding onto Silver Lake Drive... past the magazine stand. You copy?

Ah-choo!

[speaking Japanese]

...fella.

[speaking Japanese]

[speaking Japanese]

[blender starts]

Hey, sprechen-sie Americano, por favor.

[chuckling]

Let me give you a piece of advice, Kathy.

Hello.

Don't ever work in the restaurant business.

They just expect you to serve people.

[chuckling] I quit.

Pat, I'm in a towel.

Should I be embarrassed?

Uh...

What the hell is in your nose?

Oh, tissues.

I have allergies and sniffles.

You know, there are millions and millions of microscopic dust mites that live all over your body, and conceivably they can crawl up your nose and lay eggs in your brain.

Yeah, I've heard that, Pat.

Why don't you just leave them in?

No, it's all right.

Pat, we have to have a little chat, okay?

You can't just barge in here whenever you want to, okay?

I'm trying to get ready for a date, all right?

And we really barely know each other.

Oh. Well, you said you wanted me to set the clock on your VCR.

Once, Pat. I said it once in passing.

Uh...

Well, it's really very simple.

Any moron could do it.

So you finally got a date, huh?

Ha ha. Yeah. Lucky me.

[beep]

So what's his name anyway?

That's none of your business, Pat, okay?

I'm going to draw a little boundary.

I understand. You're a little sensitive on that topic.

So did I tell you I'm unemployed?

Yeah, about, uh, 400 times.

Say, do you think you could make an announcement about it at the radio station?

Absolutely not.

All right, well, think it over.

But when you do make the announcement, let me know. I want to tell my friends to tune in.

They don't listen to your show normally.

Oh.

Oh, I'm sorry. I got to go.

Do you?

You're my best friend, Kathy.

Oh, Am I?

Uh...

Okay.

Bye-bye now.

Okay.

Unfortunately, I was forced to take a job

that was totally humiliating.

I was beginning to doubt my identity, my true purpose in this world, when suddenly the most wonderful thing happened.

Whoa. Is it hot in here, or is it just me?

[chuckling]

This thing is set at 82 degrees.

Haven't you people ever heard of sweaters?

Can I help you?

Pat Riley, Southland Gas Company.

Uhh.

[glass shatters]

This is a disgrace.

Hasn't anybody checked this?

[grunting]

[glass shatters]

Excuse me. Um...

Hello.

Hi.

Hi. I'm Chris.

I'm-- I'm the bartender here.

Hi. I'm Pat. I'm--

I'm your gas management specialist and advisor.

Oh.

Well, pleased to meet you... gorgeous.

The pleasure's all mine... you.

Ahh!

What's a person like you doing in a place like this?

You know, I ask myself that all the time.

I mean, I've got a PhD in cultural anthropology, but I just love bartending.

I've been here for ten years now, and I've just heard so many incredible stories and met so many fascinating... people.

I wish I could find a job I liked that much.

Uh-huh.

I'm overqualified for Southland Gas.

I'm already looking for something else.

I guess you could say I'm a restless spirit, a lover, a liver of life.

I'm eternally searching for something more.

Wow.

I think you and I have so much in common, Pat.

Pat: Do you like movies?

Yes. Yes, I do. I love movies.

Oh, do you know what I specially love are good movies.

You're kidding. I love good movies, too.

Really? Oh. You know what I hate are bad boring movies.

Me, too. We're so alike.

[chuckle]

I think that dinner is probably one of my favorite meals of the day.

Mine, too.

This is downright eerie.

Oh, you want to know another thing I hate?

Senseless evil.

I'm not even gonna tell you because you won't believe it.

[whispering] Me, too.

Once I got it home, I realized I didn't like it.

I mean, who wants a plaid bath mat anyway?

So I took it back and exchanged it for a delicious tan one.

Uh, or brown, really. [chuckling]

Ohh.

Pat, you've led such an amazing life.

I find you-- I--

I find everything about you endlessly fascinating.

Join the club.

[Pat giggling]

Hey, is that a big fan of yours?

That's my little joke.

Oh!

Take it easy, hon. Take it easy.

Ohh! Okay. All right.

Are you all right, um, uh, you there? yeah, hon, did you break anything?

I crushed my nuts.

Ooh! Ooh!

That's got to hurt.

Oh, shoot.

There goes my afternoon snack.

Chris: I know.

[clatter]

Who are you?

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm Kyle Jacobs, and this is my beautiful wife Stacy.

Hi.

We just moved into apartment 2F.

I'm Chris. Hi.

And this is Pat. Pat lives across the way from you in 2B.

2B or not 2B, that is my apartment.

Oh, boy.

Oh, wow. Come on, let's go.

Okay.

Stacy: Bye-bye.

Strange couple.

You know, you can't really tell.

It's peculiar.

Yeah, it's peculiar, yet wondrously provocative.

[scoff]

Kyle!

What?

Guy.

Save that filth for the bedroom.

[Pat, Chris moaning]

Both: Will you marry me?

Both: Yes.

[laughing]

Ahh. Uhh.

You know something?

I love to stroke your pussy, Pat.

I know.

Muffy likes it, too.

[meow]

Hi, sunshine boy.

I am going to the grocery store.

Can I get you anything?

No. Thanks.

Okay.

Nuts. Hmm?

Uh, maybe some nuts.

I've been having this weird craving for nuts lately, okay?

Okay. Nuts it is.

Oh. By the way, I was just down in the laundry room, and I saw our weird new neighbor Pat.

What's Pat's laundry like?

I don't know what Pat's laundry is like.

It's not like I go around looking at people's dirty laundry.

What? There was, you know, bras, panties, boxer shorts, jock straps.

Well, Pat was doing laundry with Chris.

They're engaged.

And we're invited to the engagement party.

Great.

Okay. Well, listen, I got to go.

Mmm.

Bye.

Kyle: Pat, Pat, Pat.

Ooh! [glass breaks]

What's in a name like Pat?

One afternoon, Chris surprised me

by putting a new spin on our relationship.

[snoring]

I thought we were so clearly defined as a couple.

Had we fallen into a certain kind of role playing

from which we could never recover?

[snoring]

[chuckling]

What an exquisitely lazy day.

Yeah.

Well, you know, it's Thursday.

You know, my day off.

Uh-huh.

So I guess you've got the day off, too, huh?

Yeah. I got fired from that security guard job down at the La Brea Tar Pits.

Those woolly mammoths aren't kidding.

Once you get stuck in the tar, you never get out.

Uh-huh. Yeah.

Uh... gee, Pat, you know, I--

I can't believe you lost another job.

I just--

Oh, come on.

I work like a dog.

I had 23 jobs last year.

How many did you have?

Just the one.

Then I'd hardly call you a big job expert.

Pat, I think there's something you should read.

Uh, in this magazine, uh, they have a new study, and they found that if you don't have a satisfying career by the time you're in your early thirties, which you are, Pat, then you'll probably never achieve any sort of real happiness, your marriage will fail, and your chances of finding a good job are, uh, about as likely as your chances of being struck by lightning.

Well, actually, being struck by lightning is more common than you think.

I've been struck three times.

Pat, I think you might be missing the point.

Uh... the point is, Pat, that, um, if you can't commit to a job, then how can I possibly expect you to commit to, you know, say, a marriage?

Ouch. Point taken.

You're right, I should try even harder.

No, no. I, uh, I shouldn't have said anything.

I shouldn't meddle.

No, that's good, come on.

No, no, I should--

This is a relationship.

You should talk.

Oh, Pat.

Come on. It's a beautiful sunny day.

What do you say we get up off our butts and go do something?

Oh, do you want to go for a hike?

No. I know. Let's go to the Burger Bag and get some fries.

Okay, that's good. Yeah.

Come on. Let's do that. Okay.

[giggling]

Wednesday, August 2, 11:05 p.m.

Pat reads People magazine, watches "America's Most Wanted," writes in the computer.

What a strange combination of attraction and repulsion that I feel for my neighbor Pat.

I don't even know if Pat is a man or a woman.

Such a Sphinx-like riddle posed by the very existence of Pat.

Stacy: Kyle? What are you doing in there?

Uh, nothing, honey.

I'll be out in a minute.

Okay.

[water running]

Uh-huh.

[humming]

Oh, my God, this is it.

Ahh!

11:07.

Urination.

You never get through a carton of O.J. before it expires.

Yeah. Me, either.

What's up, Kyle?

Oh, I just wanted to show you my new video camera here.

Here-- Here's my new video camera.

Uh-huh. I just got it.

I could videotape your honeymoon.

I mean your engagement party.

Oh That'd be great.

[chatter]

♪ [dance]

It's good to go.

Hey, I've lived in the same building with Pat for seven years. I still have no idea.

Yeah. That's why I came.

I thought maybe this Chris person would give us some kind of a clue.

I thought I'd find out about Chris when I met Pat.

Look at it this way, honey: they're lucky to have found each other.

I guess there's someone for everybody.

Hi!

[giggling]

Hey, you two.

Here's a present we got for you.

Oh, looky what we got. Attention, everybody!

We got as present!

[chuckling]

Let's open it.

Oh! Oh! both: This is something we'll both enjoy.

[laughing]

Here, open mine.

Ohh!

I should get married more often!

Not if I can help it.

Ohh! Ohh!

Now Chris will leave my towels alone.

Oh, you, you're incorrigible.

That's what you love about me.

It's true.

You know what I always say: we're made for each other. [sputter]

Eww.

Oh, Pat.

So, um, are you going to change your name?

Which one are you asking? Either.

No, no, no. Pat and I don't believe in that kind of sexist tradition.

Do we, hon?

Ohh.

But wouldn't it be so romantic to have the same last name?

Oh, gee, I don't know.

What do you think? Think we should?

I don't know. Do you? It's up to you.

It's kind of your decision.

I really think you should decide.

Okay. I think this is a conversation we should be having at home.

Do it now.

[chatter]

Okay, everybody, we've got a little show.

Uh, attention, everybody!

This is my engagement party!

[slurp]

And now Chris and I would like to sing a song for you. [chuckling]

We would?

Yes, sir, the magic of karaoke.

Hit it!

Pat--

[whispering] I'll lead and you follow.

[music starts]

♪ Everybody loves somebody sometime ♪

♪ Everybody falls in love somehow ♪

♪ Something in your kiss just told me ♪

♪ My sometime ♪ Kyle?

♪ Is now ♪ People, you're talking again!

♪ [rock beat]

♪ Dude looks like a lady ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Dude looks like a lady ♪

♪ Uhh ♪

♪ Dude looks like a lady ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Dude looks like a lady ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Dude looks like a lady ♪

♪ Oh, yeah... ♪ Honey? What?

Don't you think you've had enough?

No, I don't. I don't think I'll ever have enough.

Kyle, you have been so strangely lately, ever since we moved into this building.

Ever since we moved here with Pat.

What are you talking about?

Stacy, that is a neighbor, a person that lives in the building, that's all.

Yeah, well, why are you so obsessed with him?

Her? It?

Obsessed?

Yes.

I think it's ruining our life together.

Mmm.

Wouldn't that be wonderful if all the problems of our relationship could be boiled down to one pat answer.

There you go again.

An androgyne has come between us.

You know, it's weird.

It's almost as if--

as if--

Oh, God.

You're in love with Pat, aren't you?

Whoa. What are you, insane?

Stacy, that's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. God!

[sobbing]

[door closes]

Ohh...

[sobbing]

Love.

What's love got to do with this when you love something you don't understand?

Dear Diary: My performance at the engagement party

was a triumph. I know that I've found my true calling.

I'm an artist.

Kyle: Ding-dong.

Am I interrupting anything?

Oh, no, just keeping a record of my innermost thoughts and feelings right here in my laptop diary.

Really? What kind of stuff do you put in here?

Oh, just anything anyone could conceivably want to know about me.

Wow. I know people who would give anything to read this.

No way, José. This is raw, uncensored, and completely personal data.

Do tell.

So...

Oh, whoa, Pat.

Is that a banana in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?

No, it's a banana.

If you're hungry, get your own.

This is my snack.

Fine, fine.

Oh, Pat, listen, I've got great news.

You were so incredible the other night at the karaoke bar that I sent my videotape of your performance to one of those home video TV shows, and they want to put you on the air.

Oh, that's great!

All you have to do is sign this release form.

Okay? Ohh!

All right.

Name.

Okay.

And this-- right there, the "Sex" part.

No, no problem.

That's my joke.

That's very funny, Pat. Very funny.

Uh, do you have a driver's license?

Uh-huh. Mm-hmm.

Good.

A dog got at it, but you can still read the number.

That's all they need.

Yeah. Uh, do you have a birth certificate?

Uh, yes, I do, sir.

Good, good, good, good.

Middlesex, New Jersey.

The rest I can't make out.

I know. Um... do you have a photo of you in the nude?

What?

I don't know why.

But apparently it's something to do with, like, uh, requirements to be on TV.

They needed a photo of you in the nude, kind of, you know, totally...

I haven't had one taken of me recently.

Well, I think any photo--

They said any photo in the nude would do.

I remember that now. I do have one.

Good.

I have to get this back. It's kind of an heirloom.

Just give it to me, Pat.

That's...useless.

When am I going to be on TV?

[phone rings]

Hey, I'm gonna be on TV!

Hi. Did I tell you I was going to be on TV?

Oh, I did, huh?

Okay, bye.

Howdy, Tippy.

Boy, do I have something to tell you.

What, Pat? What do you want?

I'm going to be on TV.

Oh, dear God.

Well...

[gurgling]

Thursday night at 9.

Thursday night at 9, Channel 12--

[gurgling]

Guess what, Kathy. I'm gonna be on TV.

Who's there?

Who do you think?

Hey, you know what?

My key works in your door, too.

Isn't that great?

Tonight's the night of my big broadcast.

I'm on the verge of superstardom.

Should I buy a house in Malibu or the Hollywood Hills?

I don't know, but I sure wish you'd buy a new car.

I mean, this driver's ed car is ridiculous.

Was it ridiculous to spend only $500 at the Pine Cone High Rummage Sale?

I don't think so.

What's eating you?

I'm just worried you're getting a little carried away, that's all. I want you to try and remember this is just a short segment on one of those silly home video shows, okay?

You're jealous that I found such a fulfilling career.

I am not jealous.

I'm sorry I put a positive spin on things.

Maybe I should be gloomier, like you.

I happen to be very proud that you're going to be on TV.

I just want you to be realistic.

I mean, this isn't necessarily going to pan out into a career, you know.

That's exactly what you said when I wanted to be a brain surgeon.

Oh. And?

How was I supposed to know you needed 12 years of medical school?

What a scam.

I'm going the back way.

Pat, we should go straight.

[arguing]

For once, would you not argue with me?

Pat, you are impossible to deal with when you're like this.

You're like a child.

Tonight at 9, Channel 12!

Announcer on TV: Now here she is, your hostess, Arleen Sorkin - [applause]

Welcome back to America's Creepiest People, the show that allows us

to feel a little bit better about ourselves

by giving us the opportunity to laugh

at those who are less fortunate.

What you are about to know is...

Now the whole world will know the splendor that is Pat.

For this next segment, we recommend

viewer discretion.

If you have small children, you may want them to leave the room.

♪ Uh, freak out ♪

♪ Le freak, le chic ♪

♪ Freak out ♪ Mmm.

♪ Aw, freak out ♪ Kyle, are you all right?

♪ Freak out ♪ I'm fine. Uh, no problem.

It's just that you've been in there for three days.

I need time to think.

Fine. I'm going out.

♪ Le freak, c'est chic ♪ Ohh.

Where's that stupid remote?

Ohh!

Oh!

♪ It surely can be done ♪

♪ Young and old are doin' it, I'm told ♪

♪Just one try, and you too will be sold ♪

♪ It's called The Freak ♪

♪ And they're doing it night and day ♪

[laughter]

♪ Allow me, I'll show you the way ♪

♪ Aww, freak out ♪

♪ Le freak, c'est chic ♪

Freak out!

♪ Aw, freak out ♪

♪ Le freak, c'est chic ♪

♪ Freak out ♪

See what I mean?

Pretty creepy, huh?

Creepy?

Well, I think that was sort of magnificent... in that uniquely Pat-like way of Pat's.

Oh, who can unravel the enigma of Pat?

To answer that question, we have with us today

Camille Paglia, author of the bestselling book Sexual Persona.

[applause]

So what do you make of this Pat person

we've just seen?

Well, Arleen, I am stunned

by the Pat phenomenon.

Pat symbolizes, crystalizes, explodes the sexual ambiguities

of the 20th century.

[applause]

Thank you for that

illuminating analysis, Camille.

[TV off]

Pat, Pat, Pat.

Would a Pat by any other name smell as sweet?

What if Stacy's right?

Could this be love?

If so, what kind of love?

How to account for these peculiar passions of mine?

Howdy, Kyle!

Pat!

Was that great or what?

Oh, you were fantastic.

Please, come in, come in.

All right.

Make yourself comfortable.

Don't mind if I do.

Make yourself very comfortable, Pat.

You know, Pat, seeing you on television was-- I mean, I was-- you were-- my God.

I was kind of a spectacle.

Spectacular is more the word, Pat.

Super spectacular.

You know, Pat...

[romantic music starts]

...this is a moment, Pat, that utterly demands champagne.

[chuckling]

You know, Pat, I wanted to tell you that the camera really loves you.

I mean, really, really--

[cork pops]

...loves you.

Well, it's true I've always been exceptionally photogenic.

[chuckling]

Ahh.

A toast, then, to... to America's newest superstar.

[ding]

Oh, this bubbly goes straight to my head.

Careful.

Well, I don't really feel like dancing, Kyle.

Of course not.

You must be... awfully exhausted after such an exciting day.

Well, it was on TV.

I'm the luckiest man in the world to be able to share this moment with you, Pat.

Kyle.

Wow.

Whoo.

Is it hot in here, or is it just me?

Why don't you just loosen up a little bit, Pat?

Maybe we could, uh, have some fun.

Okay, I think I understand what's going on here, Kyle.

You got the wrong impression about me.

I mean, I like you as a friend, okay?

A friend.

To tell you the truth, you're not exactly my type, if you know what I'm saying.

Plus, Kyle, you're married, and I'm engaged, so... Oh, Kyle, this is just embarrassing.

I'm gonna go.

Oh, sweet mystery that is Pat.

"Why don't you loosen up a little?"

The guy needs therapy.

Pat, you were, uh...

Hi. Thank you.

Thank you.

Kathy, so what did you think?

Well, uh, it was so much like the engagement party.

It was just like being there.

I knew you'd love it.

Hey, we have a celebrity in the building!

Me! [chuckling]

I was brilliant.

I know now that I was born

to bring joy into the lives of millions.

[ring]

Hello. TV's Pat speaking.

Chris: Hi. Hi, it's me.

Uh, you were really great on the show tonight.

I know.

Uh, look, Pat, uh, I'm really sorry about earlier.

Well, I understand how you can get overemotional sometimes.

No biggie.

You know, Pat, you really should follow your dreams.

But, you know, maybe you should just pick one dream and follow it, okay?

Okay.

So we're in love again, right?

Oh, Pat.

We were never out of love.

Oh, Chris, you believed in me all along.

Psst, Pat.

Sorry. I have to go.

There's somebody at the window.

[dial tone]

Pat, you're a wonderful person.

All right, Kyle, listen, uh, I have to go to bed.

I'll talk to you later.

Don't close the door on my hand! Aah!

[crash]

Hey, weren't you on TV last night?

Yes, I was.

Can we talk to you for a minute?

Okay.

Pat, aren't you?

Aw, who wants to know?

Oh, we're Ween.

What's a ween?

We're a band, you know.

That's Gene Ween, and I'm Dean Ween.

You know, like Simon and Garfunkel, Peaches and Herb.

It's kind of sad you got stuck with that name.

Yeah, anyway, we're doing a gig tonight, and we were wondering if you wanted to come out and play.

Great! I'm in a band!

I hopped aboard that bus

knowing I was on the road to fame and fortune.

[chanting] Ween! Ween! Ween! Ween!

Ween! Ween! Ween! Ween!

One minute, Pat.

Don't mind the cameras, Pat.

Do your thing, and you'll look great in the video.

Thank you.

Pat.

How exciting.

Just think, all those thousands of people looking at me and only at me.

All of them watching and waiting for me to fill their lives with meaning.

Pat, you okay?

Where's my axe?

Your instrument's set on stage.

All right. Knock 'em dead.

Thank you.

Ween! Ween! Ween!

[cheering]

Pat, we're Ween.

[high voices] ♪ When you've had your fun ♪

♪ And your work is done ♪

♪ You must not succumb ♪

♪ I can feel you breathe ♪

♪ At least I can make a Norwegian side ♪

♪ Please don't hide ♪

♪ So, Mom, if you please ♪

♪ Pass me the pork roll, egg, and cheese ♪

♪ If you please, on a Kaiser bun ♪

♪ Mom, if you please ♪

♪ Pass me the pork roll, egg, and cheese ♪

♪ If you please, on a Kaiser bun ♪

Hi. Thank you.

Hey, you were incredible tonight, Pat.

Oh, you thought so, too?

Pat, great show.

Yeah, you were amazing.

Well, the tuba is a sadly overlooked instrument.

Care for a mushroom?

Oh, hey, I don't know what's in these.

These could be psychedelic, right?

Oh, I know about these music industry parties: sex, drugs, and rock 'n' roll.

Woo-hoo!

[sitar music]

[groaning]

I see trails... the realistic pillows.

Gene, you have a polka-dot monkey on your nose.

Pat, those aren't hallucinogenic mushrooms.

They're from Safeway.

Oh.

Hey, you guys, I played with the Ween!

What? Ohh.

Gross.

I played with the Ween!

Hey, I played with the Ween!

Hey, everybody!

I can't believe you did this!

I want a divorce.

[playing "Three Blind Mice"]

Ohh!

Ahem!

Mm-hmm.

Hey, dudes!

Well, just another gig.

Are you ready to rock 'n' roll?

Hey, Pat, what's up?

Just getting ready for the next gig.

Oh. Pat, I think there's been a misunderstanding.

We just wanted to get some footage of you for our next video.

You were great and everything, but that's all we needed.

Well, maybe I should go out as a surprise bonus attraction.

No, it's too late to change the lineup.

Well, maybe I could just jam with the band as a special celebrity guest.

We appreciate that, but we just can't do it.

I'll perform for free.

I'm sorry, Pat. Not tonight.

Okey-dokey.

Well... see you at the next gig.

Pat, try to understand we booked you for just one performance.

That's all. We were filming a video.

Didn't you read the contract we gave you to sign?

Well, yes, of course I did, but I can hardly be expected to read all the fine print.

I mean, I just naturally assumed that I would go on tour with you and then I would get a record contract of my own and have a fabulous music career.

Isn't that standard contract?

No, not as such.

You guys were nothing without me!

I hate show biz!

It's a cutthroat industry!

Aw, I know, hon, I know.

All I am to them is a body, an image!

I understand.

To them I'm just a piece of meat to be chewed up and spit out!

[sobbing]

Oh, Pat.

Maybe it's all for the best.

Feel sorrier for me!

How can I feel sorry for you when you feel so sorry for yourself?

I miss my career.

[whining]

I miss the limelight and the adulation of thousands!

Oh, Pat, being famous and having a career, they're-- they're not the same thing.

What are you talking about?

Well, a career implies having a skill.

You think I'm untalented!

No, I don't.

I'll show you! I'm a renaissance person!

I don't understand why you insist on blowing this thing so out of proportion.

I don't think you know what you want out of life.

I just want fame and riches. Is that too much to ask?

Oh, Pat.

Those are the goals of an empty soul, Pat... one that I frankly do not want to spend a whole lot of time with, so--

And you're not being supportive enough!

I need something for me right now!

Come on.

No.

Well, I'm not gonna beg.

Where am I?

What kind of spell have I been under, Pat?

I mean, you and I are clearly fundamentally incompatible, and I just think--

I think we should call it quits, Pat.

I think it's... over between us, and, uh, I should be going.

Goodbye, Pat.

[sobbing]

Dear Diary:

I am at the lowest point in my life.

First my music career was sabotaged, and then Chris became unreasonable, and I had to break off our engagement.

Thank goodness I still have you, Dear Diary, a confidante to whom I can bare my soul's most secret yearnings

and vulnerable feelings.

Oh, well, I'm sure everything

will look better in the morning.

Ohh...

[bottles rattle]

You're a stupid lettuce-head.

Oh, no!

[humming]

You're all wet, Pat.

Ohh!

Ohh...

I'm being haunted by the specter of my former lover.

I should record that dream in my diary.

No! My laptop!

Ohh! Ohh!

My diary's been stolen!

Ohh! Help!

Oh, Kyle!

Kyle! Ohh!

Oh, madness!

Oh, my diary's been stolen!

My diary's been stolen!

Oh, no.

Kyle, at this very moment, some diabolical cat burglar could be reading the most intimate details of my private life!

Kyle!

That's terrible, Pat.

Hey, I have frames just like those.

Wait a minute, Pat.

Don't you need a password to gain access to the diary itself?

Yes. Yes, I do.

And what was that password again?

I would never tell that to anyone.

Not even a closest friend, a nearby neighbor, somebody that can--

Well, I'll give you a hint.

It's in the dictionary.

Ohh, all right, Kyle.

I feel a little bit better.

Good.

Okay, I got to go.

Mm-hmm. Okay.

Hmm.

[buzzing]

[Pat's voice] Access denied.

[chuckling]

It was worth a try anyway.

A.

[buzzing]

Dick.

[buzzing]

I will know your secrets, my love.

I will possess you utterly.

Whoever had stolen my diary

had left few clues behind, and I was soon on the trail, sniffing out leads.

Hey, dudes.

Any of you guys steal anything lately?

What are you talking about?

Like my laptop diary.

It's been stolen, and I want it back.

What the hell are you anyway?

Oh, I know what you're thinking.

Am I a Crip or am I a Blood?

No. What we want to know is are you a brother or a sister?

Word. Yeah.

Well, I'm an only child.

There's a word for what you are.

Charismatic?

Spike, what is the word I'm looking for?

Androgynous.

Yeah. That's it.

Oh, that's right. Androgynous.

That's what everyone says about me.

Good old androgynous Pat.

Pat's always cheerful and androgynous with everybody.

So what the hell are you?

A man or a woman?

Ohh...

Ohh! Ohh!

What the hell was that?


Hmm.

Ohh!

May I help you with something?

I need a makeover, pronto!

Makeover.

Yes, I need to look more like my own gender.

You know what I'm saying, Gunther.

Oh...kay.

Let's go.

Fantastic.

I don't think so.

Oh, that's quite flattering.

You've got to be kidding.

The minimalist.

[speeded-up chatter]

That's it! It's me!

Oh, I love my new look!

Oh, you're a genius, Gunther.

All in a day's work for Gunther.

I may have looked fabulous on the outside, but inside I was a mess.

At a time like this, I needed a friend.

I needed my best friend.

Man on phone: I mean, he was-- he was looking at me funny, and I had the gun in my hand, so-- so I-- I shot him.

Well, anger is nothing more than hurt that hasn't been dealt with.

You need to work on healing your inner child, okay?

I want you to have a 20-minute conversation with your inner child every day.

And remember, no fighting.

All right, so let me know how things go.

Okay, great, we're going to pause here to pay some bills.

I'm Kathy Griffin on "Love Chat."

Pat.

Hi, Kathy. How you doing?

What are you doing?

I'm working, Pat.

Oh. Listen, I need a job. Can you get me one?

Okay, well, why would I get you a job?

Have you forgotten who set the clock on your VCR?

That thing would be flashing from here to Tuesday if it weren't for me.

Oh, right. Look, Pat, I'm trying to do a little show here, okay?

Maybe we could talk about this later.

Kathy, this isn't about you right now.

This is about me.

What am I gonna do?

Security!

Oh, great!

Do I get to wear a uniform?

[phone rings]

[ring]

[ring]

[ring]

[ring]

Hello.

Woman: I'm having an affair with my next door neighbor.

I feel terrible about it. Who can I talk to?

Well, try your husband.

[ring]

Phone's ringing!

[ring]

[ring]

What do you want?

I would like this individual escorted from the building, please.

Uh, just a second. I want to hear this.

I have no idea what you're talking about.

Oh, my God.

Pat is taking calls on the air?

I know.

Well, go to commercial. Pull the plug.

No. This is great talk radio.

That's the most repulsive thing I've ever heard.

Look, Troy, that is trivializing their pain.

Okay? Pat isn't helping people.

At least Pat's not putting people to sleep.

Oh. Oh. Okay.

That's a slur directed against me, right?

Look at all the calls coming in.

Oh, You are so disgusting.

Hello. Whoa. Um...

All right, can I help you?

Man: Sometimes I have suicidal thoughts.

I feel like I want to jump off a building

or slit my wrists or put a bullet in my head.

Well, have you considered drowning?

I mean, they say it's like God giving you a big wet hug... forever.

Stop calling here.

Female chorus: ♪ Ooh, "Love Chair" ♪

Announcer: Tune in same time tomorrow for more...

Hey, you know when that "On the air" sign is on, that means you're on the air.

Oh, heh heh. Oops.

You know, you're a natural?

Well, your station's listeners really bummed me out.

They're a bunch of crackpots.

Well, Pat, those are exactly the kind of people who call a radio talk show.

Well, they're too freaky for me.

Why can't they just have normal relationships?

Pat, why don't you be the new host of "Love Chat"?

Great.

I'm hired!

Guess what, Kathy. I got a job.

I have a radio show called "Love Chat."

Yeah, I know, Pat. That was my show.

Well, small world.

No, no. I got fired today.

Oh, Kathy, that's terrible.

Why?

Because they gave you my show.

Oh, that must be awful for you, Kathy.

Is there anything I can do?

Uh, yeah. Could you give me my job back?

I don't think they'd go for that down at the station.

Plus, I wouldn't do it because I really need this job.

Well, then do me a favor and get out of here!

Okay? I'd better go.

Ramrod. Ramrod.

Come on, baby, be the one.

[buzzing] Come to Papa.

Access denied. [chuckling]

[muttering]

[laughing]

[buzzing]

Pig! I'm sorry.

Okay.

[female chorus scatting]

Announcer: You're listening to KVIB FM.

And now for the southland's hottest talk radio, here's Pat.

Hi. This is "Pat Chat."

And I'm your host, Pat Riley. [chuckling]

I'm ready to listen to all of your most personal and intimate problems and then, uh, solve them for you, so, uh, let's take our first call.

Woman: I've contracted a horrible disease, and I've been told I don't have much time to live.

[sobbing] What should I do?

[baby crying]

Why don't you go 1-800-Waah-waah-waah waah-waah waah-waah? [chuckling]

All right, next call.

Kyle: Pat, I-- I-- I like to dress up

like my sexually ambiguous neighbor

[cuckoo cuckoo]

and prance around the apartment all night.

Sure you do, Mr. Looney Tunes.

Adios!

I'm tired of these cranks.

Let's screen these callers, people.

[doorbell rings]

Hi. Blast from your past.

Hi. I'm a famous radio personality now.

That's really-- That's great.

Uh, Pat, there's something I have to tell you.

Can I come in?

Pat, you know, I never want you and I to be enemies, okay?

But, uh, I have to go away for a little while.

Where?

I'm leaving on Sunday at 5:30 for Tibet, on a spiritual quest.

A quest?

Yeah. Um, I'm gonna be gone for at least a year, Pat.

What?

So I really thought it was important that I come by and tell you that I think I'm probably always gonna love you, Pat.

Well, then great! Then we have no problems, then.

No, Pat. What I'm trying to say that I'm really sorry it didn't work out between us.

Well--

Well, I'm also sorry that you couldn't have been more sensible.

Goodbye, Pat.

People. Can't live with them, and you can't live without them.

Ohh...

Damn, I must have missed it.

[Kyle imitating Pat's voice] There's only three left.

I know that. Thank you.

[chuckling]

Zymase.

Access denied. [chuckling]

Zymotic?

Ohh...

Zythum.

Please work.

We're in. We're in!

We're in, we're in.

We're in, we're in.

We're in.

We're in.

Ohh...

We're in, we're in, we're in, we're in, we're in, we're in.

We're in, we're in.

The diary.

"Once I got it home, I realized I didn't like it.

"I mean, who wants a plaid bath mat anyway?

"So I took it back and exchanged it

"for a delicious tan one.

Well, more brown, really."

Pat on radio: ...be all tender and sumptuous enough

to bring tears to your eyes.

And people everywhere are making Tom Chuck's

their dinnertime destination.

Come and enjoy!

All right, sounds good.

Okay, I'll remind you

this is KVIB. I'm Pat.

You know what I always say: we're made for each other. [sputter]

Oh, Pat.

[chuckling]

Pat.

Always try to be equal partners in a relationship.

Thank you very much.

I'm Pat, and I'm here all night, ready to lend a sympathetic ear.

Let's take our next call.

Hello.

Chris: Hi, Pat.

Hello. Don't waste my time.

What's your name, caller?

Well, it's--

You can call me Chris, Pat.

All right, Chris, what's your problem?

Well, I had this special someone in my life-- we'll call this person Pat-- and, well, we were engaged, yeah, and, uh, well, I just didn't feel that Pat was ready to make a commitment, not to-- not to a job or to me.

But now for the first time Pat has some job stability, and-- Uhh?

I just want to tell Pat that I-- I love Pat for who Pat is and not for what Pat does.

And I really wish we could get back together again, Pat.

Well... you're not giving me much to go on here, Chris.

Can you be more specific?

Well, I guess what I'm trying to get at, Pat, is that, well, I'm leaving for Tibet tomorrow, you know, to get over Pat, and I'm not so sure that's the right thing to do now, Pat.

Well, if you're asking for my advice, and I guess you are, I would say that this Path person just sounds like a real nightmare.

I say hit the road and don't look back.

[chuckling] Next call.

But--

Some people, I don't know why they get hooked up with these losers in the first place.

Listen, what I have to give you people is tough love.

It may not sound pretty, but I can help you.

That's right, I'm Pat.

I'm here to help you all night long.

"Chris can be so frustrating.

"I mean, who is wearing the pants in our relationship anyway?"

Exactly what I want to know!

"I have a confession to make.

"Dear Diary:

Something not even my closest friends know about me."

"I haven't vacuumed under my couch

"since I moved into my apartment.

There, I said it I feel so much better already."

That's it?

Th-Th-Th-That's all?

The most intimate record of every detail of Pat's life, and not a single clue about Pat's sex?

Why?

Why? That's so unfair!

I'm sleepy, and you people are boring me.

This is KVIB FM. I'm your host Pat.

Now let's take our next call, and make it something lively!

[Eastern European accent] I'm wanting to be telling you that I'm having something that none of your other callers have.

What's that, your sanity?

No. Your diary.

What? Who is this?

All in good time, my little elusive friend.

And if you're ever wanting to see your diary again, you'll be meeting me at Ripley's Odditorium

at high noon.

How do I know this isn't a crank call?

Have you been vacuuming under your couch lately?

[shuddering]

Excuse me.

[nervous chuckle]

Kyle: Psst. Hey. In here, where we're less likely to be heard.

Oh.

Are you the lunatic who stole my diary?

You mean...this?

Yes.

Hey, you look kinda familiar. Do I know you?

No.

You didn't read the diary, did you?

Yes. I decoded it, and I read every word.

Oh, I feel so naked.

And you know what? It didn't tell me diddly.

I know all about your happy childhood, your countless jobs, your idiotic fantasies, your stupid bath mat.

Stop! Stop! I can't hear anymore!

I know everything about you, Pat, everything except the one thing I must know.

What else is there to know?

Take off your clothes.

What? You're nothing but a pervert.

Don't you see?

We were meant for each other.

We're like two complementary pieces in the crazy jigsaw puzzle of love.

I just need to know how we fit together.

Ohh...

By uncovering the secret of you, I uncover the secret of myself.

Kyle!

Now take off your clothes if you ever want to see your diary alive again.

Ouggh.

No!

Where are you?

Pat!

Oh, Pat! Uh-oh! I see you.

Help! I'm being chased by a crazed doppelganger who's reading my diary!

[laughing]

Ohh!

♪ ...of your creator ♪

♪ Stare into the lion's eyes ♪

♪ And if you taste the candy ♪

♪ You'll get to the surprise ♪ Kyle: Pat!

Hi.

Pat.

Don't run. You know you want me.

Surrender, my sweet.

[giggling]

Kyle, you just don't take a hint, do you?

Come to Papa, my little love dumpling.

Kyle, for the last time, you're not my type.

Don't-- Don't-- Don't say that, Pat.

Don't say that.

We should be as one. Ohh...

You and I. Huh?

Kyle. Pat.

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh, no!

Pat! Aah!

Help!

♪ Don't get too close to my fantasy ♪

♪ Don't be afraid ♪

♪ To touch the hand of your creator ♪

♪ Stare into the lion's eyes ♪ Hold on.

♪ And if you taste the candy ♪

♪ You'll get to the surprise ♪

♪ Oh, don't get too close to my fantasy ♪

[silence]

[chuckling]

[cheering]

Hey, buddy, what do you think you're doing out here?

No, no. Okay, I give up. Uncle, uncle, uncle.

Ahem. Then perhaps you could just tell me, if that naked person is a man or a woman.

Show's over, weirdo. Come on.

No!

Pat!

Ohh...

Just one minute, Pat. We'll have this all stitched up.

Thank you.

Pat, can I tell you something?

We admire your persistence and your creativity, but we meant it when we said we only needed you for one show.

That's all right.

I'm tired of people looking at me.

I learned something about myself when I was out there naked: what it feels like to be naked in front of lots of people.

I've had enough adulation.

I was happier when there was only one person who stared at me when I was naked.

Oh, my God.

Chris.

Ohh!

Gladys Knight: ♪ I've had my share ♪

♪ Of life's ups and downs ♪

♪ But fate's been kind ♪

♪ The downs have been few ♪

♪ I guess you could say ♪

♪ That I've been lucky ♪

♪ Oh, I guess you could say ♪

♪ That it's all because of you ♪

♪ If anyone ♪

♪ Should ever write ♪

♪ My life story ♪

Pips: ♪ For whatever ♪

♪ For whatever reason there might be ♪

♪ Ooh, you'd be there ♪

♪ Between each line of pain and glory ♪

♪ 'Cause you're the best thing ♪

♪ The best thing that ever happened ♪

♪ That ever happened to me ♪ Chris!

♪ ...that ever happened to me ♪ Chris!

♪ You're the best thing ♪ Chris!

♪ That ever happened to me ♪

♪ You're the best thing that ever happened to me ♪

♪ I know, you're the best... ♪ Excuse me. Someone named Chris.

Chris! Chris!

To Paris? All right.

Excuse me? Have you seen Chris?

Have you seen Chris? Chris!

Pat. I--

Hi.

Listen, I've been thinking about our relationship, about everything we've gone through and everything I said and how I behaved, and I realized that you need me!

I'm sorry, Pat. I have to go now.

But, Chris, I've had an epiphany in front of thousands of people... naked.

What?

I don't want fame and fortune. I want you.

You do, huh?

It's lonely at the top.

I miss having someone around who loves dinner as much as I do.

And sunny days?

Chris, I'm really sorry.

Pat.

You've never said that before.

I just want to be your spouse.

I just want to be like a typical American.

I want to settle down and have a house and 1.8 kids and lead a life of quiet desperation, like these people here.

Come on, Chris, let's do it.

Oh, Pat.

Chris.

I guess my life is just one big romantic cliché:

boy meets girl, girl loses boy, boy annoys girl, girl wants boy to act differently, girl-- Well, you know, the same old story.

For richer or poorer.

For richer or poorer.

For as long as you both shall live.

You may kiss each other.

[cheering, applause]

Plato once said that the unexamined life

is not worth living. Well, I agree.

It wasn't until I took a long, hard look at my own life

that I realized what I really am:

I'm me!

It's not what you do that matters.

It's who you are.

And only then did I discover the truth.

Chris is my other half, and together we make a whole.

I finally found a yin to go with my yang.

Or is that yang to go with my yin?

Well, in any case, I'm so lucky to be me.

[chuckling]

Hi, this is Kathy Griffin, and yes, I'm back on "Love Chat." my guest today is Kyle, who's gone through some love changes recently.

Now, Kyle, you are a transvestite, is that correct?

Well, um, Kathy, I'm dressed as a woman at the moment, but I also like to dress like a man sometimes.

Okay, well, do your sexual fantasies change, depending on how you're dressed?

No. No, no, I always fantasize about the same... person.

♪ [piano]

♪ A lot of people say "What's that?"

♪ It's Pat ♪

♪ Ma'am or a sir ♪

♪ Accept him or her ♪

♪ For whatever it might be ♪

♪ It's time for androgyny ♪

♪ Here comes Pat ♪