James vs. His Future Self (2019) Script

Well now that makes even less sense.

I'm not stupid. You're stupid.



Movie night's officially underway.

Come on, let's go.

Your Cantonese chow mein's getting cold.

Come on!


So, what movie are we watching?

Oh, come on. You had one job... pick the movie!

I know but I'm closer than I thought.

The Higgs Boson perpetuating the Higgs Singlet...

No, no, no. No, remember, we said no dirty talk on movie night.


Okay, okay, fine.

A little bit of time travel theory dirty talk, but no equations.

Okay, so you know how I originally thought I needed a particle accelerator operating at 40 TeV to test my theories.

Oh, boy. Do I ever.

'Kay but I think with a few more adjustments I could get it to work at 20.

Yeah but see, the Large Hadron Collider only goes to 13.

Get it down to that and I'll hook you up once I get that job at CERN.

I... I just don't understand why you wanna go all the way to Switzerland.

I don't know why you won't apply for a job there.

No one has a bigger hard-on for the LHC than you do.

'Cause Dr. Rowley's here.

But she doesn't even have a particle accelerator!

Why do you care so much if I move to Switzerland anyway?


I don't. I don't care.


Yeah. Go. Enjoy.

I will go. - Go to Switzerland...

I am going. - Enjoy the mountains...

That's what I'm gonna do. - ...and the chocolates and the little army knives and mysterious bank accounts.


Oh my god.

What are you doing?

Oh, I am taking mine to go.

But what about... what about movie night?

The only reason why you came out of the garage is because you're literally starving and I had food.

I'm not literally starving. Meredith made me pancakes.

You know what?

Don't worry about it.

We'll just do it tomorrow night. - Ah...

And don't try to tell me that you have plans, because the only person that you could possibly have plans with is currently standing in front of you giving you a lecture about how you don't have any plans.

Don't stay up late.

I'll pick you up for work at 8:00.

Honest to God, bro.

Hey, if you're not gonna date Courtney, can I?

I'm right in the middle of something here, okay?

Absolutely. Super, super-duper important science stuff, right?



Hey, so, I thought that you'd like to know that tomorrow is the 15th anniversary.

I know what day it is.

Right, so, I thought that we should... spread the ashes.

I really don't think this is the right year for that.

Mm-hm, but you've been saying that every year since the tenth anniversary. - I feel like it's more of a 20th anniversary sort of thing, you know, a nice round number.

Yeah but it's gonna suck whenever we do it, James, whether it's...

...then or now, so we...


Another time.



Fine. I'll...

I'll meet you there tomorrow after work, okay?



I think I'm gonna be up for a while.

Can you please make me a cup of coffee, please?

Dude, you have a PhD in experimental particle things.


It's hot water filtered through coffee grinds, that's it. Jesus fuck, man.


Check out that sky tonight?

You can see the constellation Equuleus.

It's a small horse.

No, thank you.

All right.

Hey, you like Delta blues?

Oh, nothing gets me through the night like a little Delta blues.


Good-good bow.

I'm so sorry.

I'm gonna have to exercise my right to a conversation-free ride.

All right.

Hey, you never know when you might meet someone... have a conversation that could change your life.

Um, excuse me, why are we stopped?

I just wanna talk to you, James.


You don't wanna do that.


Come on!


Somebody help me!

Who the hell runs into an alley when they're being chased?


What's your plan, bud?

Oh, I don't think you've run the numbers on that jump.

Please don't kill me!

I have a wife and two small children.

You do not.

No, uh...

You leave now and I won't hurt you, okay?

I know parkour.

That's not how parkour works.





Ah ... ah ... Agh.


Ah, shoulda seen that comin'.



Well hello, Sunshine.

Welcome back.

What's happening?


Why did you take my pants?

Oh, yeah. You peed yourself.

From the taser, presumably.

No. No, no, no. Stay there.

I know what this looks like. I know.

I know your instinct is to run, but please, just... you just gotta listen, all right?

Let's do this the easy way.

All right.

Ah, fuck it.


Ah! Agh!

What the...

Wha... wha... what did you MacGyver a solenoid?!

Ah! Ah! No! No no no...

Tomorrow, Dr. Rowley is gonna announce that she is offering a permanent position for a new project and she will be seeking submissions.

How do you know this?

You will be tempted to submit your time travel theory which is fuckin' genius but you will not!

You cannot. If you do, you will end up desperately alone, driven insane!

You will end up losing everyone that you care about!

That's too big.

That's... that's too much. Yeah, sorry.

That... no. Start off slower.

Yes, simple. Simple.

I'm gonna keep it simple.

I'm going to simply introduce myself to you, that's all.

No, no, no. I don't wanna hear your name.

No, no, seriously.

You leave right now, it's like this never happened, okay?

I... I barely even remember what you look like.

It's like super cloudy.

James Dolinsky.

Why... why are you saying my name like that?

It's terrifying.

That's my name too.

I am also James Dolinsky, because I am you.

From the future.

I'm from the future!

You... you're from the fu... We... not you-you, me-you...

We are from the future!

Okay, that's good!

Very, very funny.

Well done. You got me.

Meredith, you can come out now, okay?

And by the way, in the history of shitty sisterly things that you have done to me, this one takes the prize!

Look, I know it's a lot to take in. All right?

It's a lot to digest, absorb.

Oh my God.

Okay, all right.

Okay. Sure, I'll play.

So you're me, from the future.

So tell me, Me, how do we execute my brilliant time travel theories, huh?

You already know. You're working on it.

Harnessing the power of the particle collider.

Okay. Very, very impressive research.

You've been briefed, I see.

Now, has my idiot sister also told you that the Large Hadron Collider in Switzerland operates at a TeV of 13...

Yeah, and you need 40. I know.

But what you don't know is that Rowley already has one.

She does? Wow, okay.

So tell me, where does she, uh, where does she keep this multi-billion dollar enormous secret machine?

That's the crazy part. It's tiny!

It's like... it's like this big.

She keeps it in her office behind a table!

Oh, behind the table.

All right.

Why would he believe that?

That necklace that you're hiding inside your shirt, with the ashes of Mom and Dad in it...

Meredith has one of those too.

And in fact, tomorrow is the 15th anniversary of the day that their plane went...

Okay, you listen to me, buster.

I don't know who you are, but you have... you have precisely 30 seconds to get your butt out of my garage...

God fucking damn it!

That's it.


What are you doing?

We have the same dick.

Hooks to the left, three freckles on the tip, like the Big Dipper.

Oh my God!

Oh, come on. Now don't be like that.

Just take a look at my dick, we can clear this whole thing up.

Please put your penis away, Sir.

Come on, there is nothing weird about this!

Okay, all right.

Well, let's take your dick out and we'll see if the Little Dipper... - I believe you!

I believe you! I believe you! I'll do what you say!

Okay, I'll quit my job.

All right, well then look at my fucking cock!

Ahh! Ah! Ah.

How far back can we go?


Okay, Siri, call 9-1-1.

My brother's being molested.

It sounds like talking with someone might help.

You can find me where Bryan Gunderland beat the shit out of you in seventh grade.

...9-1-1 support...

Oh goddamn it, Siri! You're so unreliable.

Back away, perve-ass.

Hold your fire, Meredith. I'm leaving.

Oh! God.

Thank you.

So in which direction was this man's penis bent exactly?

I am not answering that.

Did this man's penis in fact resemble yours?

Maybe you could work with our sketch artist.

Can't you do one of those line-up things?


I'm not looking at a row of weird dicks.

Look, the point is, I'm not even pressing charges here.

This man...

Hey, you called us.

She called you.

You're an idiot. What are you gonna do?

You're just gonna let this guy walk away after everything that he did to you?

You've done so much worse to me and I sleep in the room next to you with the door unlocked.

That's not helping your argument.

Okay, look.

This man sounds potentially dangerous, but I cannot force you to do something you don't wanna do.

If you change your mind, call me.


Doctor. - Come on!

The most amazing thing happened last night...

Yeah, Rowley just emailed.

She said she wants us all in for an announcement in 20 minutes.

An announcement.

This is the part where you get in my car and then we drive away?

Yeah, yeah.

No no no. - No?

Remember? Just let me...

All right.

Looks like The Great and Powerful Oz hasn't materialized yet.

You know, for someone who spends so much time worshipping CERN's Hadron Collider, you do your fair share of mocking the person who actually helped build the thing and who wrote you a very nice letter of reference, I might add.

I'm sorry, I missed that due to cataclysmic boredom.


Attention, colleagues.

As you know, the Rowley Institute has recently celebrated its third year.

Where was I?

Attention, colleagues.

As you know, the Rowley Institute has recently celebrated its third year since opening its doors.

Now you applaud.

Our stock has shown unprecedented growth resulting in an influx in financing.

I have convinced the board to allow me to use this money to...

..offer a permanent position to one of you, my valued employees and colleagues, where you will lead a team on a new project of your choosing.

Project submissions are due Friday. And remember, a tiny change today...

...brings a dramatically different tomorrow.

This is another place where you applaud.

So here's the facts.

We know that I invent time travel.

We know that I do it with Rowley.

Hey! Dr. Rowley, you're not gonna believe this.

I'm gonna become a future time tra...

That doesn't work. She'd fire my ass.

Should tell Courtney.

How can we not tell Courtney?

I feel like not telling Courtney's a dick move.

Courtney, you're not gonna believe this.

I become a time traveller.

I figure out time time travel and I come back and I take myself hostage and I pull down my pants and I show myself my penis.

Ah! Why does every scenario end with me showing someone my dick?

Oh... wait a minute!

I talk to him.

Pros and cons.

Pros, talk to him, you get some answers.

How did it work? How did you figure it out?

How far back can we go?

Cons, mmm, interacting with him could create a paradox, could destroy the entire universe.

That's very bad. Paradoxes are bad.

Universe is good.

Of course, I talked to him yesterday.

Talked to him yesterday, universe still here.

Universe is fine, right?

Universe is good.

Should I go alone or should I bring someone?

I should bring someone.

Should I bring someone?

No, not gonna bring her. Okay. Here we go.

In here!

How'd you know I just got here?

Well, we have the same memory.

Although things keep changing so it kinda updates.

I don't know, it's hard to explain.

You mean like a... like a download?

Uh, sorta like déjà vu, only backwards.

And colder.

30 minutes ago you decided you were gonna come find me and so my memory changes.

You're taller than me.

Oh, yeah.

Taller, better, slightly bigger dick.

Time travel really fucks you up, man.

The past and the present both pullin' you towards them, it stretches you out a little bit each time.

More, depending on how far back you go.

I mean, this trip did me in, man.

Look at me!

I think my brain's stretching too.

Put those on the table, would ya?


Hey, when did we learn to bake?

Oh, about the same time we learn sewing and gardening, how to build an off-the-grid sewage system.

See, that... that's amazing to me.

You want me to give all that up?

Yeah, well, we are forced to learn all that because we have to live in isolation!

And rely on our survival skills, which, by the way, you don't fucking have.

What else? What else? Come on, I'm all ears.

Tell me more.

Look, time travel... it's amazing, for like ten minutes.

And then it's like you're being forced to watch reruns of a show that you hate and can't turn off.

I have no idea what that means but I want you to tell me everything.

Now tell me... tell me, how far back can we go, huh?

Look, our whole life... our whole life we've had an all-consuming passion to be the master of time.

But you don't even appreciate the time you're in right now!

The beauty that can surround you at any given moment...

Would ya slow down on the fucking croissant?


Little bite. Let it melt on your tongue.

Hm? Slow.




Twelve years from now, Rowley and I figure out how to send me back in time.

A one-way trip every time.

I mean, there's no way forward.

Right, so you have to stay there, just waiting for time to catch up.

Exactly, exactly. And we're pushing it.

I mean, we start off with a few minutes, then a day, a month, a year.

Two years, three years, five years!

I'm stuck in a place like this wasting away, total isolation!

Meanwhile, I'm bouncing through time, Rowley's sitting in her desk, having the same cup of tea!

Wait a minute, so, lemme get this straight.

So what you're telling me is that on top of becoming the world's first time traveller I'm also gonna have these years of peaceful sabbaticals with nothing but solitude where I can practice my theoretical applications?

Is that what you're saying?

What? No!

You do not want this life!

Yes I do.

I do want this life.

You're too late!

This is science.

It's what I'm meant to do.

You don't have a fucking clue.

There's a reason I came back now.

I'm still sort of a good guy when I'm you.

But Friday, man, that's doomsday.

You take that position, that is the beginning of the end.

Your ego, your self-righteousness, it's gonna smother all the other parts of your life... love, joy, family.

So I came back to stop you from making that mistake, one way or the other.

What if I can do both?

No, what if I... can change?

Like, fundamentally change by Friday, and then accept the position?

I'll vanish.

If you truly, fundamentally change, then you won't make a complete mess of my life and there will be no reason to come back, and thus, I won't exist.


But if you don't get your shit together by Friday, I am gonna fuck up your life so bad that you'll never invent time travel in the first place.

Oh, that's my... - Yeah, I know.

I'm gonna need that for um...

Oh, I know what you need it for, yeah.

Why don't you come back for it after I'm gone?


You... okay.

Just gonna put it in there?

So, uh, quick question.

If you were me... - I am you.

So, how would you advise me to start this process of change?

Um, maybe have some quality time with Meredith?

You need to do the thing that if you don't do it, you're gonna regret it for the rest of your life.

You need to tell Courtney how you really feel about her.

She's the greatest thing that ever happens to you and you just let her slip through your fingers.

That's not...

Courtney is my friend and I do not feel that way about her.

Of course you do, you just keep it all locked up inside and then you jerk off thinkin' about her, real quiet so that Meredith doesn't hear.

I masturbate at an appropriate volume.

What, you think I should be louder so that my sister can hear?

It's eerie quiet, okay?

It's like you're drivin' a fuckin' Prius.

Okay, let's just say hypothetically that I did have certain feelings for Courtney.

You do.

How do I tell her about... that, without, you know, jeopardizing the friendship that we have?

I'll show you!

Yeah, I don't think that's a good idea.

It'd be my pleasure. I insist.

Yeah, and I... I insist that you don't.

I got you.

I don't know what that means...

I gotcha covered.

Why are we here?

I should be home for my movie date with Courtney.

You're meeting Meredith here to dump the ashes.

She's gonna be here any minute.

Right, of course.

Hey! It's important.

Yeah, I know.

I know.


So uh, what's your plan with Courtney?

I'm gonna do what you said.

You know, what you suggested.

I'm gonna be in the moment.

I feel like you're just tellin' me what I wanna hear so I'll leave.

I got this. Okay? Trust me.

Oh, boy.

I love you!

See? Isn't this better than working on your proposal?

I commend your choice, Doctor.

Well, thank you.

I am trying to, you know, live in the moment a bit more, appreciate life and stuff.

Here you are.

What is this, wine? - Yeah.

Meh, I'm not really in the mood.

Hey, knock knock!

Anybody home?


Uh, I'm sorry... have we met before?

I'm James.


Uh... I'm... I mean, I'm... I'm Jimmy.

I'm ... um ...

James' Uncle Jimmy.

Uncle Jimmy.

He's actually...

He's named after me. It's...

Jimmy! Wow, it's nice to meet you.

Weird that I've never met you before, or heard of you.

Yeah, well, I've...

I've been kinda estranged from the family for a while.

My fault. Workaholic.

Priorities way outta whack.

But I am back now.

Yeah, a whole new man.

Yeah, a lot of time to sort out my shit.

God, Courtney, it is good to see you.


I mean, I... I assume that you're Courtney?


Yeah, 'cause James has described you...

I mean, in passing, before.


Anyway, I just got to town, I thought I'd surprise you, James, and make you dinner, but I did not realize that you had company.

So I... I'm gonna go.


Oh no, that's okay.

It's just movie night. Stay.

I don't wanna be the third wheel.

Third wheel to what?

Him picking apart every plothole?

He really is annoying, isn't he? - Yeah.

I mean, we get it, the Imperial troopers should have definitely shot down the escape pod with R2 and 3PO, but then there would be no Star Wars.

They didn't have to show the trooper noticing the pod escape, that's all... that's what I was suggesting.

Oh my god, what a nerdball.

Hey, have you guys eaten, huh?


Well why don't we scrap the movie, I'll cook, we'll eat, we'll drink, we'll catch up a little bit.

Okay, that sounds like fun.

I'll help you. - Great!

I like cooking.

Very good. Thank you very much.

Ah, tequila?

Oh my god, she's incredible.

I told you, I have this.

Yeah, well I realized sending you in here alone is like asking a five-year-old to man a space station.

I'm gonna help you, all right?

I'm gonna be your Sherpa guide to love.

How is you being here gonna help me profess my feelings for her?

Just follow my lead.

Yeah, we're gonna talk about that later.

Yeah. - Yeah.



How 'bout a drink, huh?

Let's have some tequila.

Let's make some chow and open that bottle!

Let's do it!

You got limes!

Try this.

Um, mm, I don't like guac.

Oh, this is good guac. I made it.

Yeah, I had a bad experience as a kid, so I...

What, you're gonna rule out guac after one bad experience?

Come on, you're a scientist, damn it.

You cannot give up on something until you have ruled out every possibility.

Okay. - All right!

I'll try it.


He's been in the garage, just like working for hours, hasn't eaten in days, right?

He sees the chicken, he like eats it off my plate.

Two days later, he's like, "I have a stomach ache.

"I have to take a shit but I'm constipated."

Anyway, guess what happened.

Chicken bone came out of his ass.

Oh my god!

Oh, you got a... little schmutz on your...

Oh! Right here? No...

May I?

Oh! Yeah.

It's like... it's like no matter what I'm doing, I'm always aware that there's like an infinite number of other things that I could be doing.

Exactly, and the trick is you gotta keep doing all of them.

Grab as much as you can, without letting it fuck you up!

You gotta keep your balance.

Yeah, like stay grounded.


Like gravity, exactly, yeah.

And not waste my time and my energy thinking about all the other things.


Those "what ifs", baby.

They will drive you insane.


So I don't know.

Like, what's... like, your advice, if you have any?

Oh, I don't have a fuckin' clue!


No, I know.

But I guess there's some sort of Zen Buddhist bullshit that probably applies, you know?

Don't dwell on the past.

Don't dream about the future, just... wherever you are, be all there.

Be all there.

Yeah. Wow.

Well, yeah. You know what?

I'm gonna take off.

Oh, no. It's still so early!

That was great. Thank you for dinner.

I'm sorry for crashing the party.

Well, you know what?

I had a really great time.

Thank you so much!

I had so much fun.

Really fun.

That was great.

Thank you so much.

What the hell was that?!



How did you...

What did... what did you do to her?

I listened to her.

You spend years livin' in shit almost all by yourself, you get really good at connecting with people when you get the chance.

Mostly with prostitutes, but uh...

I can't do this. I don't know how.

How the hell... I'm supposed to just magically transform a friendship into a romantic thing?

I don't know. - Relax, okay?

You can do this.

You know everything you need to know about this girl.

You even know what's going to happen.

She gets the job at CERN, she moves to Switzerland, and you get so consumed with your time travel bullshit with Rowley that you never see her again.

What? I... that's not...

I mean... She's my best friend.

I don't go visit her?

All right. Now, don't fuck this up, okay?

I got my whole evenin' planned around this potential new memory.




Hey. You wanna finish the movie?

No. - Okay.

No, I don't wanna finish the movie.

I wanna... I wanna listen to you.

Listen to me what?

Well, I mean, you and I, we spend a lot of time together, right?

But we never actually talk about real things.

We never talk. I want you to tell me...

What are you thinking right now?

Um, what's the deal with your uncle?

Is he married? Is he stickin' around, or?

Oh my god, I'm joking!

What is happening to you right now?

Why are you being so weird?

Do you ever think about Schrِdinger's cat?

The uncertainty principle, you mean the cornerstone to quantum physics?

Yes, of course. - Yes, yes.

So you've got this cat, right? - Yes.

He puts the cat in the box.

No, I know. - With radiation.

Is the cat alive or is the cat dead, right? - Yeah.

It's both... - James.

I don't wanna talk about this. - until you take a look...

No, listen, listen. That applies to so many things.

It could be anything.

It could be milk in the refrigerator.

Yeah. - On its expiration date.

Or it could be, uh, a relationship between two consenting adults.

What are you doing?


Have you ever...

We're together all the time, but we never...

Why have we never?

We've never tried to open the box.

Yeah, because we...

I mean, I thought we didn't see each other that way, so...

Yeah but the uncertainty principle, right?

Yeah, but, I mean, I thought... well, if something was gonna happen, it would've happened by now and it didn't happen by now, so, I mean, it's not...

What are you doing?

I wanna know if our cat is alive or dead?

Are you serious right now?


Oh my god.

Oh, boy.

Oh my god! I'm sorry!

No. No, no, no. Listen...

I'm so stupid.

No, I... Listen. I'm sorry.

Um, you know what?

I... I am. I'm... I'm...

I'm open.

Not like that. I mean I...

I'm down to try the opening of the box thing.

Although, I don't like that phrase.

I think it sounds weird, but, um...

Look, we're not gonna start by uh, making out in your kitchen, are we?

You know, we can... maybe we can go out?

Like adults on a date and if it's not super weird, you know, we could maybe, uh, try the fun thing, you know, the other part.

Yeah, really? Would you be open to that?

I... yeah. I mean, you're not the only science nerd that gets horny.

Oh. - You know, um...

You know how long it's been since I've been on a date?

Like, a long... a long time, and it... it's hard.

It's hard to find someone when you're ten times smarter than 98.38% of the male population.

And... so, you're gonna ask me out properly.

When you said "horny" earlier...

James, please focus.

Okay! Okay, I'm gonna ask you out.

Would you... Courtney, would you like to go and open the box with me tomorrow night?

You're gonna have to...

No, we're gonna have to rephrase that. - Fine.

'Cause it just sounds weird to me.

We can totally do away with that one.

So, yeah. Great. - Listen, you're just...

You're gonna have to put some effort into it.

Okay. - You know?

Um, change your shirt, for example.

Yes! I have many shirts.

And maybe take a shower?

I'm gonna take a bath or a shower.


Whichever, and um, I'll maybe see you tomorrow.

Yes. - I will, I will. Excuse me.

And um, yeah. I'm gonna...

All right.

So yeah, don't mess this up.

I won't. I won't.

Okay. - All right.

Good night. - Good night.

That was not terrible.

Oh, I forgot to mention, we can also teleport.

I'm kidding. I snuck in the back.

So you saw that?

I did it, man. I did it.

I... I told her how I felt.

Now I got a date tomorrow night.

How does the date go?

Does the date go well?

I have no idea.

It hasn't happened yet.

What I do know is I'm still here, which means we got work to do.

I really don't have time for this.

I... I should be working on my presentation.

Spoiler alert: you get the job.

Now come on up here.

It doesn't even look like you're doing anything.

I'm calming my mind, focusing on my breath, letting my thoughts go.

Get your ass up here.



All right.

Now close your eyes.

Put one hand on your chest, one on your stomach.


Take a breath, deep breath.

Good. Now let it out, slow.

Think I'm doin' that wrong.

Meditation isn't about doing, it's about being.

Being present.

Not letting your mind take over.

Yeah, that's... that's not easy for me.

I know that, that's why I'm here to ease you into it.

Just take it in, the breeze.

The sound of the birds, the scent of the world.


Ah! Good, good.

Now right there. You're present.

Right now!

You're not thinkin' about the past, you're not thinking about the future.

You are right here, right now. Good!

Now close your eyes.


Focus on that searing pain in your cheek.

Okay. - Okay.

Don't fight the pain. Let it in.




Breathe! - Ow!

Be one with yourself.

Oh! Why do you... - Focus.

My god, you want some hotdog with your ketchup?

Oh, I've missed it so much.

Wait. We...

We seriously don't have ketchup in the future?


None. Everybody's worried about honey, saving the bees.

Let me tell ya, we way overcompensated for the bee issue. Becomes a real problem.

I mean, like, terrifying.

When what we should've been worried about was nightshade vegetables.

Not a tomato on the fuckin' planet.

Ah, there we go. - Thank you.

Thank you.

So, why'd you ditch Meredith yesterday?

I left ya there. I dropped you off!

I'm tellin' you, you can't hide shit from me, man.

You think I don't know that all you wanna do is go back and see Mom and Dad?

Huh. Maybe tell them to not get on the plane.

Wait a second. Wait a second!


So can we go back that far?


No, I couldn't figure it out.

Well, just because you couldn't doesn't mean that I can't.

I'm you, genius.

Show me your numbers.

You know, I can pick up where you left off. I...

I ran the numbers.

I nearly lost my mind in the process.

Look, it took me a long time to come to terms with the fact that we can't save them.

I really think if you let me run the numbers...

Goddamn it, listen to me!

You need to take care of this.

You need to be a goddamn proper fucking brother to that sister of yours, because one day she's gonna leave you.

She's gonna give up on you altogether and you're gonna have nobody.

And you're gonna deserve it.

What? It's dirt!

You know what's in these fucking things? Pigs' assholes!

The dirt is the least disgusting part of this!


Hey. I'm sorry about yesterday.

I didn't, uh...

I didn't make it to the boardwalk.

Really? I didn't notice.

Right. Yes.



I have a date.

You dress like you're higher on the spectrum than you actually are.

Process of elimination... nah!

Yeah? Okay.


So, I...

I didn't see you at the office today.

Yeah. I um... took a personal day?


I meditated.

Yeah, right.

No, I'm serious.

I told you, I'm trying...

I'm trying to be more present.


Has that got anything to do with Uncle Jimmy?

I mean, I don't know what happened in the past, but I think that he should stay.

I've decided.

He's great!

Right. - No?

Are you guys ready to order?


Yeah, I think we are.

Um, let's see.

To, to, to, to.

So, he's gonna have the butter chicken.

Yep, he is.

And he's gonna have it ridiculously spicy.

You know, just spice the hell out of it. He loves it.

Can do. And for yourself?

Yes. So, she will have the...

Ah. The Marrakesh panini with extra yoghurt please.

She loves yoghurt. Lots of yoghurt.

When you think there's too much yoghurt on there, add some more yoghurt.

It should be just soggy.

Thanks so much.

Uh, and some more drinks.

I really think you're gonna love your dinner.

And I think you will like yours.


So, is this weird?

You and me, on like a proper date?

Yeah, it's weird. It's...

It's weird, but all dates are weird, right?

To weird.

To weird.

Ooh. - Oh, wow.

Wow. That's...

That's what I wanted.

No problem.

It's good, huh?

Yeah, not bad.


Oh, there it is. There it is.

Want some yoghurt?

No, I'm good. - Great.


I can't even watch!

I did it.


That's classy.


No. - I can't do it.

Oh my god.

Oh, that's gonna be hot later, comin' out.

Hot mud.

Ugh! - Later.

Did you not wanna know that?

Hey, that's classy. - Yeah.

This is date talk.

I'm pretty good at dates, obviously.

I'm... I'm dying right now.

You got a little, um... - Mm?

On your...

You have... It's... No, it's here.

Here. There you go.

You all done here?

Yes. - Yes, we are.

I will take this to go, please.

You want the sauces?

Yeah. Yeah, my mom and dad, they used to bring leftover Indian sauces home when they went for dinner and then, you know, the next day they'd make us curries or something with it.

You know, it was one of my...

...favourite things.

Okay. About three minutes.

What are you doing?


Yeah, that's the problem.

Take that off. - Yeah.



I'm sorry, that was really presumptuous of me.

No, we can totally do clothes-on stuff or we can not do anything.

You're adorable.

What do we do with that?

Use your imagination?

So I go up here?

No, no! Not my face.

On your lips?

No, not my... - No?




Oh, that feels nice.

That's because when the skin drastically changes from one temperature to...

I understand the way heat transfer works.

Oh, okay.

It's a loop.


It's a loop!

Wait, what?


Of course, of course, of course.

Closed time-like curves are allowed solutions in relativity.

In general relativity!

Oh my god.

Oh my god!

Hey, wait. Don't do that. Don't do that.

I'm just gonna take one second here, please.

No, no, no. Take your time.

I can see that that's really important to you, so...

No, Courtney, wait.

Please, please, Courtney!


Look, this changes everything and it wouldn't have happened if it wasn't for our moment.

Wow, I'm... I'm honoured to be a footnote to your seminal discovery.

Make sure you spell my name correctly on the acknowledgements.

What are you doing here?

How was your date last night, shithead?

What? Why are you...

Why are you even asking me that?

I thought everything I did was like memory for you.

Well, the alcohol makes it a little fuzzy but I'm pretty sure I'd remember sleeping with the love of my life for the first time.

Also, I'm still here, which means that you didn't hold up your end of the bargain which means it's time for me to fuck up your life.

What? What are you gonna do?

Rowley! - What? No, no, no, no.

You brought this on yourself.

Stop it!

Edna fuckin' Rowley, where are you?!

Don't do this.

I'll quit. I promise.

No, you won't.

Doctor Edna fuckin' Rowley, kindly get your ass out here!

Jimmy, what's going on?

I'm Doctor Edna fucking Rowley.

Do I know you?

I am begging you!

Look, I screwed up really badly with her last night, but I can fix it!

Okay, but if you... if you do this right now in front of her, it'll ruin any chance I have with her, so please, please?


You got till the end of the day.

Well, that was anticlimactic.

A note to all of you: if you're going to swear-scream someone's name, at least have the decency to say something compelling when you finally have their attention.


Hey, I uh...

I really need your help.

I don't know who else to turn to.

Can you meet me at a bar?

I need to tell you stuff, okay?

I need your ideas, but first I gotta get drunk, 'cause he knows everything...

Stop it! You had me at drunk.


That's so gross!


I didn't know you could do that!

That's not healthy.

Not a healthy choice.

Oh! Oh, wait. Okay.

I got it! - Okay.

I got it! Okay, okay.

Let's just assume for a moment, for the sake of fun, that we live in your fantasy nerd-fest reality, and this creep actually is you. - He is.

Okay, so he wants you to change your life so that you don't become him, right? - Yeah, yes!

And I can change all the changes that he wants me to change.

I just don't wanna do it his way, I wanna do it my way.

So he's in your way!


So you know what we need to do. - No?

We need to get him out of your way!



Yeah! - Yeah!

Are you guys sure this is the place?

Yes, yes. I'm a scientist.

He is so smart.

Show her your science license.

I told you a million times, there's no science license. It's not a thing.

Watch this. Why is the sky blue?

The light from the sun is a particular range in the electro-magnetic spectrum...

There's the fucker!

What? What?!

You are such a shithead, James.

Wait, sir, I would like to remind you at this time...

This is it. We're finished.

Kiss life as you know it bye-bye.

Excuse me, sir.

Are you threatening this man?

Oh, no.

I'm makin' a promise.

He doesn't mean that.

I... I don't want that held against him in a court of law or anything.

She's so mean.

Do you think she's single?

Don't touch anything.

Your tetanus shot isn't up to date.

This place smells like cardamom and sadness.


Have you seen this creepy baby?


Okay, Uber's almost here.

Let's keep this party going.

What you wanna do? You wanna go back to the bar?

You wanna go get froyo?

Wanna go back to the bar?

I gotta go to the office.

Do you get it? I lost everything.

I gotta... I gotta catch up.

No, the workday's over, man.

Plus you are still drunk.

You can catch up tomorrow.

Tonight we're gonna have fun, you and me.

Meredith, please.

I'm out.

Hey, wait. Wait!

Don't be ridiculous. I'll drop you off at home.

At home? That's just it. I don't want to go home!

I hate it there. Do you know that?

All I ever do is make sure that you don't starve.

And I put up with all of your stupid, obsessive...

Forget it.

Wait. Wait a second. Would you wait a second?

You need me, I help you, you bail.

Fuck you.

I need a coffee.

I need a coffee.

Anyone here?

Dr. Rowley?

Dr. Rowley?



James, where are you?

Up here!

So... um, I just...

I wanted to clear the air after what happened.

Wait, what the hell is this?

If Rowley catches you up here she's going to...

What is this?

I knew she was working on a particle accelerator.

How did she...


It's not a ring.

No! It's a linear collider.

Do you think that she made one? I mean...

Yes, I think that she made one and I think that it's somewhere in this building and you and I are gonna find it.

Now, that's... that's not why I came up here.

We have to clean this up.

We have to put everything back the way it was.


No, no, no, don't you get it?

You don't ever have to go to Switzerland!

We have a Hadron collider right here.

You can stay!





What makes you think I wanna stay here with you anyway, James?

Okay, I know. I messed up, but I'm ready to change.


You keep saying that, but you just act weirder and weirder.

Like, what happened in the office today with Jimmy?

You don't know the first thing about that nutcase, okay?

He seemed like he needed help.


Why can't we just stop what we're doing tonight and go help him?

I think that'd be pretty difficult

'cause visiting hours are probably over by now.

Why, is he in the hospital? - Nope.

The zoo?

The zoo?! - I don't know!

He's in jail!

Jail? Jesus!

James, what happened?

There is stuff that you don't know about him, okay?

He threatened me, and he threatened my well-being and he threatened my future at this institute and I will not have it!

Okay, James, come on.

He's family. All right?

You have to bail him out.

Why, so you can fuck him?

Oh, man. Wow.

I'm sorry, I didn't...

Look, I know I screwed up last night, but I had a moment of clarity and I'm not gonna apologize for wanting to be a great scientist just because you're not fully committed to it.

I'm not fully committed?


Why, because I actually have a life outside of this building?

You know what? Maybe you're right.

Maybe I am into Jimmy.

Maybe I'm attracted to someone who knows how to relax and have fun and isn't focused on singlet trails when he's kissing my tits!

You can't make me choose between science...

No, no, no. No one's asking you to choose between anything!

It's about fully committing to where you are in the moment.

Right. "Wherever you are, be all there."

Yes! And you don't know how to do that, James.

Cat's dead.

I can't help who I am.

Well, you know, I...

I really hope that you get everything you want, because in the meantime, I'm gonna be fully committed to what I want, in Switzerland.

That's right.

Dr. Keller called from CERN.

I got it.

I'm the first Canadian to be hired in a permanent position in the theory division.

How's that for not being fully committed?

Wait... - No, no, no.

This isn't the part where you follow me in some grand romantic gesture, okay?

So what part is this?

It's the part where you leave me the fuck alone.

Behind the table.

He has!

You have until tonight to prove it.


I mean, we don't invent time travel for another...

Your future self.

Bring him to me.

You've already seen him.

He was the one that stormed in here swear-screaming your name yesterday.

I'll need a closer look.

Yeah, that's...

That's gonna be a challenge.

Um, he knows everything.

He even knows that we're having this conversation right now.

He would know that I'd be coming after him.


Not my problem.


If what you're saying is true... if your theories are correct...

I'll make you my partner.



Very good.

Jimmy! Hello?

I know you can hear me.

You weren't at the police station.

I assume Courtney bailed you out?

Partner, huh?

Boy, you're really movin' up in the world.

We can make this right.

It's almost over.

Courtney's on her way to Switzerland, Meredith finally knows the truth.

Yeah, but... you know it's not working, don't you?

Your little plan to stop me?

I mean, you haven't destroyed my career and you're not gonna stop me from inventing time travel.

Yeah? How do you know that?

Because you're still here.

You're right.

That's why we're movin' on to plan B.

Plan B?

Okay! Great. Plan B.

I didn't know there was a plan B.

That's... What is plan B?

Kill Rowley.

Plan B is terrible. That's a very bad plan.

Very bad plan, you can't...

You can't do that. You...

You wouldn't do that. We...

We don't have that in us.

Oh, I think we do.


If you kill Rowley, sure, we don't create time travel, but then you can't come back in time in the first place to kill her anyway.

You would create a paradox that would destroy the entire universe!

Well that's an interesting theory.

Let's find out.


I give up.

You win.

I can't believe this is what we've become.

I'm not the bad guy here.


Hey, I'm the one trying to save you!


Seventh grade dance.

This is where Bryan Gunderland kicked our ass.

Yes, he did. - Mm-hm.

Right over there.

I believe he farted in our face, if memory serves.

He certainly did.

Well, don't worry.

I got him back.

Yeah, what? Did you slash his tires?

I fucked his wife.


I did! - You did not.

(UNCLEAR), I'm tellin' ya, I found her.

Horrible! Horrible!

I have created memories that I don't even wanna have.

How'd you do that?

Guess I was in the moment.




Welcome back.

Dr. Rowley will be here any moment.

I trust that you will be respectful.

Oh my god!

Funny, is it?

Oh, yeah.

It's kinda hilarious how badly I fucked this up.

And all because I underestimated how much of a shithead I used to be.

I think there's a way we can all win here.

I really do.

Oh, no. The only way I win is if that puckered asshole of a scientist is dead.

Hey, she's a brilliant mind and I will not...

You know what? Save your ass kissing till she gets here in about five seconds.

You're gonna need it.



Hello, Edna!

Hello, my dear!

So good to see you!

You're looking quite youthful.

Come in!

Welcome to my humble abode.

I would offer you a cup of tea, but I'm a little tied up at the moment.

It's incredible.

I know. I know! And this is the work that you and I...

It's incredible that you think I'm foolish enough to believe that this blubbery, bulbous, pasty-skinned, asexual, repugnant degenerate is actually you.


Dr. Rowley, please wait.

James, unless you can produce empirical evidence in the next ten seconds...

I can. I ask... - A tissue sample?

Well, no. - Blood? DNA?

Uh, not exactly.

James, what are you...

We have the same, very specific penis.

It's like the Big Dipper with, um...

Hey, keep your dick in your pants there, James.


I am so sorry for my behaviour yesterday.

It was uncouth to say the least.

How are the treatments going for the lymphoma?

Oh, right!

Yeah, you just found out about that last week, you haven't told anybody. Sorry!

Hey, spoiler alert though: you kick the crap out of the cancer.

Full recovery.


It's me.

You don't know me like this, but I know you.

I know that your first boyfriend left you for your sister and you haven't spoken to her since, and that your father is a cold-blooded son of a bitch.

And that's why you never felt that you had a family, or ever really needed one.


I've never told anyone any of this.

No, you haven't and you won't for about nine years.

Shall I go on?



That's quite enough.

My instincts were right about you.

Yes, they were.

Oh, this is so good, Edna.

I'm gonna save you 12 years of frustration and missteps!

Untie me.

Dr. Rowley, I think you've heard quite enough for one day.

We don't have to wait 12 years, James.

Your future self can tell us everything we need to know today.

Yes! - Dr. Rowley, this technology, we are going to learn everything that we need to learn and discover ourselves when we're supposed to. I strongly believe that we need to let this run its course here.

You need to think bigger, James.

Exactly, exactly.

You untie me, I'm gonna unlock all the secrets of the universe.

Okay. Shh.

What is going on?

Why did you do that to yourself?

Time travel apparently makes you mildly unstable.

Another thing we'll need to work out and another reason why we don't wanna rush this process, Dr. Rowley.

All you need to worry about and all you need to know is that everything's gonna work out fine here.

How do you know?

Well, the fact that he is still here assures us that it all works out.

Dr. Rowley, we can do this.

Your engineering breakthrough with my theoretical work?

I mean, the proof is sitting right in front of us.

Well, tomorrow should be an interesting day.


I'll announce your promotion and our partnership.

Now, what... what do we do about him?

I mean, how unstable is he?

Oh, he's fine, he's fine.

But you really should go. Yeah.

I... I-You know what?

You should treat yourself to a hotel room tonight.

Yeah, don't go home.

Go to a hotel, unwind, you know, rest.

You got a big day tomorrow.

Get off the grid!

Don't tell anyone where you're staying, okay, especially not me, and I will see you in the morning.

Indeed, you shall.


I'm gonna untie you, and I'm gonna take that out of your mouth, but you need to listen to me first, okay?

This is my life.

You had your chance and I am truly sorry that it didn't work out the way that you wanted it to.

But this is what I want.

Maybe you'll never disappear and that's fine.

You can go and live your life the way you want to, now, in the present!

And let me live the way I want.

Nod if you understand this.

Right. So you...

Okay. I'm gonna...

Gonna get you out of here. There you go.

Right, right.

You're not gonna say anything?

Nothin' to say.

You're on your own.




There's somethin' I need to tell you.


Courtney, come on! Just slow down.

Give me a second for God's sake.

Time travel?!

You've been you this entire time?

You travelled through time and you didn't think to tell me the second you figured it out?!

I didn't know how to tell ya.


How could this possibly be what you end up like?

Well, I'm gonna try to take that as a compliment.

I... I just can't.

I don't know, I don't know.

What if you are my future?

Like maybe... maybe you do come to CERN with me.

Sometimes people meet at the wrong time.

Like... maybe I was always supposed to meet you at this age.


I've seen your future.

And believe me, being with a 60-year-old time travelling paradox is... not an upgrade.

No, you have so many incredible things that are gonna happen to you.

Do you know how long I've been in love with you?

I blew it.

I blew it so bad.

Turns out I'm too stupid... to deserve you.

That's why you're gonna go.

You're gonna go to CERN on your own, because if you stay here... nothing's gonna change.

How come you always say the right thing at just the right time?

Because I'm from the future.

And I sure as shit got it wrong the first time around.

Don't tell me how it ends.



Hey! You picked up. Thank you.

I'm kinda busy, James.

Yeah. No, I know.

I'm sorry, I won't keep you.

I just, uh...

I wanted to, um...

Tomorrow is Rowley's big press conference, you know, and I know things got weird with us but I really hope that, um...

I'm leaving tomorrow.


Yeah, of course. No, I know.

Uh, what time's your flight?

You know, maybe we could just grab...

I'm sorry, I um... - ...a quick breakfast before you go?

I have to finish packing.


One, another time.

Like, maybe you could come back as a version of yourself that has his shit together?

I'll take your silence as confirmation that Jimmy wasn't playing a horrible trick on me.

I really...

I really wanted to tell you.


Smile, James.

Your whole life is about to change.

All my other projects are irrelevant, compared to the work that we're about to announce.

I'm gonna shut them down.

Just close my facility completely.

We'll move into a smaller lab.

This will afford us enough capital to fund the work for five years.

Fi... but we already know that it takes 12 years.


The first time around it took 12 years, but that's because we didn't know then what we know now, that it works!

You'd be surprised, the difference that kind of confidence makes!

And tenacity and work ethic.

Yes but Dr. Rowley, Jimmy told us that we committed everything to this project.

All of our time, all of our efforts.

All of our energy. We...

It was all we did!

So we sank our whole lives into this work, for 12 years.

So, we'll double our efforts.

Think about it.

Neither of us is married.

We don't have family or any of the baggage whatsoever.

We don't even have a single friend between us.

The only person who even remotely paid attention to you is about to get on a plane.

There's absolutely nothing stopping us from dedicating every waking moment to this work.

Dr. Rowley, it's time.


All right, let's go!

Now boarding at Gate 12, flight 394 to Geneva is now boarding at Gate 12.


Oh, hi. Where are you going today?


Can you take Leslie?

It's faster.


You just made it!

Thank you.

Enjoy your flight.

Hello, everyone, and thank you all for being here today.

Today I have come here to talk about the Rowley Institute's plans for the future.

For the past several years, I've been working with one of the greatest scientific minds of our time...

"time" being the critical word here.

For this young man has developed the key to unlocking the very mystery of time itself.

It was Charles Darwin who said, "A man who dares to waste one hour of time

"has not discovered the value of life."

It is my pleasure to introduce to you my protégé, my discovery, my gift to the world.

A man whose name will soon reverberate throughout the scientific community and far beyond.

James Dolinsky.


What are you doing?

You got a crazy person with a bow and arrow!

Get the fuck outta here!






Nice work, shithead.



Hello. - Hi.

Tear a little piece off.

What, like this?


Just let it melt on your tongue.

Enjoy that moment.

Don't rush it.

Holy shit.


This is... the best thing I've ever tasted.