Jeff Dunham: Relative Disaster (2017) Script

So, we're driving to the show?

Yup.

With the wife?

And the kids.

Hi, Jack.

Hi, James.

Remind me again why we're doing this?

This Ireland trip is about the family being together and discovering our roots.

Thanks, sweetie.

Well, I just discovered I don't wanna go.

Walter, you're part of this family whether you like it or not.

Hey, look what I found smooshed under the seat.

This old, unopened letter to you, Walter, -dated 196-- -Give me that.

Oh. Hey, Audrey, what's this extra baby seat for?

For when Bubba J passes out?

What the hell?

You'll see.

"You'll see"?

-What does that mean? -What is this?

Another baby?

Speaking of Bubba J, has anybody seen him lately?

-Oh, he wanted to ride on the roof.

I'm making a left turn! Whoo!

Well, we're here.

Well, we must be in Ireland. These bugs taste like beer.

Greetings, Irish infidels.

Please welcome to the stage, the biggest infidel ever, Mr. Jeff Dunham!

What a warm welcome. Thank you for being here this evening.

I wanna start by saying--

People are saying, "Why in the world did you go to Dublin, Ireland, to do your Netflix special?" I'll tell you why.

I got a ventriloquist dummy in the third grade, started practicing, doing shows, through elementary, junior high, high school, paid my way through college.

Did almost 20 years of comedy clubs throughout the U.S. and Canada, then turned into small theaters, then big theaters, then giant arenas, and all around the world, and here we are. This is all because of folks like you.

Thanks for making that happen. There you go.

Are you ready for the reason you're here?

Are you ready for the little people in the boxes?

All right.

Thank you.

The first guy I'd like to introduce I think audiences enjoy, because everyone knows someone like this, in your own family or where you work.

Please help me welcome my old friend, Walter.

Oh, shut the hell up.

-How you doing tonight, Walter? -Who the hell cares?

Lighten up a bit, we're in Dublin.

Oh, yay, Dublin, yay.

You know, I've heard the Irish pay more attention to our American politics than most Americans do.

Yeah, seems like it.

Yeah. But you watch just for the comedy.

So, in the U.S. presidential election, you guys know everything.

Do you know who the real loser was?

-Who? -Bill.

Why is that?

Because now, Hillary is home every single night.

And with Trump in office in the U.S., Jeff, now, be prepared.

-For what? -Soon José Jalapeño, your Mexican guy, will be out of the show.

Poor José. You're gonna have to settle for an American pickle on a pole.

Wrapped in bacon and deep-fried.

Hey, did you notice in the trunk there, I'm building a little wall?

Did you see that?

Yeah, keeping that little bastard on his side.

And I'm gonna get Jeff to pay for the wall.

You know, Walter, José is legal in the U.S.

Oh.

Then I guess I'll build a little gate.

Yeah, little fucker would probably dig right under it.

Using his stick.

Wait. He can pogo right over the thing.

Doing, Doing, Doing, ole!

And you know what else? The racial stuff is worse than ever.

I don't know if it is here, but it is there.

-That's right. -Yeah.

Can you even use your African-American character, Sweet Daddy Dee, anymore?

Wait, I'm sorry. We're in Ireland, yeah. It's obviously not African-American here.

They don't say African-Irish, do they?

They just say black.

Oh. Oh, that's a lot easier.

I don't wanna offend anyone anywhere, but can I just please say black?

-Okay-- -I am not Northern European-American.

I don't care. I'm freaking white.

Or off-white, or pink, I don't know.

All I know is there's black, brown, red, yellow, white.

I don't care. Just mow my lawn.

What?

Walter.

What?!

I said "white" last.

Get the white guy to mow my lawn, I don't care.

The white-trash cracker from the trailer park.

And don't call me racist.

-All right, why not? -Because calling someone racist is racist.

I'm actually an I-don't-give-a-craprican.

Slightly less angry than the I-don't-give-a-shitricans.

Now, whatever you do, stay away from the I-don't-give-a-fuckricans.

They have meetings.

Back to what I asked earlier, can't you use Sweet Daddy Dee anymore?

Yeah. I've been using him in some of our videos.

Okay, but he's not on the tour bus right now.

-Not now. -Okay.

Well, when you do bring him back, just make sure you don't put him in the back of the bus.

Yeah.

Black puppets matter.

On a different subject, you say one of your daughters is getting married?

-Bree, my oldest. Getting married soon. -Oh, good. That's great.

You were adopted, right?

-Actually, I was adopted. -Good. yeah.

Are you sure?

Yes, I'm sure.

Or is it just something your parents said to make themselves feel better?

-No, I was adopted. -Okay, okay.

Are your biological parents gonna walk your daughter down the aisle?

Why would they?

Well, they're good at giving kids away.

That's a good joke.

No, Walter, I'm giving her away.

Yeah, see? It's genetic.

The tradition is for the bride's father to give her away.

Yeah, you're gonna be going, "Here you go, pal. Good luck."

Not even close.

But come on, seriously.

When the bride's parents are divorced like you, it's gotta be hard for the father to keep a straight face

-when talking to his future son-in-law. -How's that?

You're gonna be saying, "You realize, son, she's related to that bitch in the corner."

No, no, it's fine.

If you say it, it's a lawsuit. If I say it, it's comedy.

-What do you think? -I really can't comment.

Oh, you're still paying, aren't you?

Keep telling jokes, puppet boy.

So, are your daughter and her new husband gonna have kids soon?

I have no idea.

-Oh, please encourage them to do that. -Why?

So, I can make fun of you for having your own kids and grandkids that are the same age.

How screwed up is that?

"Here you go, son. Go change your uncle's diapers."

-But seriously, more kids at your age? -Why not?

Because by the time your boys are old enough to play ball with, your actual ones will be hanging down to your ankles.

"Dad, wanna play kickball?"

"I already am."

-So, you really are adopted? -Yes, I am.

You ever tried to find the other ones?

-My birth parents? -Is that what they're called?

-Birth parents? -Typically.

Yeah, they're the ones that had you, took one look, and then dumped your ass.

-I don't think that's how it went. -Sure, it did.

They handed you to a nurse and went, "Run!"

I don't think so.

Or maybe they got freaked out when you cried and it sounded like it came from the kid lying next to you.

I guess we'll never know.

So, you never met your birth parents?

-No. -Right.

So, when were you born?

April.

1961?

-'62. -What?

April 1962.

-In Dallas? -Right?

No, I meant I was in Dallas.

-Okay. -For a few days.

-Uh-huh. -In '61.

You and your wife.

No.

Just me.

Um...

But you and your wife were dating at the time.

No.

I hadn't met her yet.

Uh, were you dating anyone in July of '61?

-No. -Oh, good.

Yeah, yeah.

I'm not sure you call it "dating."

-What? -Just watch the video.

It was the summer of love.

And love was free.

Unless you were paying for it.

I was very popular with the ladies.

Hey, baby.

Wanna get down and feel the funk?

-Walter. -Calm down.

It's not what you think.

-We're jumping rope. -What?

Well, that's enough jump-roping for tonight. Whatever-your-name-is.

This rock's gotta roll.

I'll never forget you.

Dad?

Bastard?

-And who was the woman? -I forgot.

-You forgot? -Yeah.

Then what made you bring this up now?

That old letter that Peanut found in the back of the car, it had a photo with it.

-Of who? -Well, looks just like you.

-What? -You wanna see it?

All right.

So, you're saying you think you could be my--

-Well, that's awful. -How do you think I feel?

I could have an adult son who still plays with fucking dolls.

-Your wife's younger than you, right? -Audrey is younger.

-How much younger? It does. -Doesn't matter.

How much younger?

Eighteen years.

I actually like you a lot more now, Jeff.

-So, was it love at first sight? -Pretty much.

I wanted to say to her, "Where you been all my life?"

Yeah, and she would have said:

"Well, for the first half, I wasn't even born yet."

Eighteen years. When you were 21, she was 3.

You should be a registered sex offender.

What was your pickup line when you met? "Hey, kid, want some candy?"

Seriously, what did you do on your first date?

What, you take her shopping for school supplies?

You helped her with her homework?

-We have chemistry. -Class together.

Poor Audrey.

Why "poor Audrey"?

You know, whenever anyone sees a younger woman with an older man, they automatically think she married him for his money.

-That is not what happened with us. -No?

No. In fact, when Audrey and I met, she had never heard of me.

She had no idea who I was.

Of course not. Her parents wouldn't let her watch the comedy channel.

She is more familiar with Sesame Street.

What, you sweep her off her feet by doing Cookie Monster impressions?

"Oh, I love Audrey.

Do you want a kiss or a cookie?"

"You're one, two, three times older than your wife."

"Rubber Duckie, you're the one."

"Oh, Jeff, make it talk."

I'd love to have been there the first time her father had met you.

He would have sounded like Scooby-Doo.

Huh?

Uh-oh.

Her mother would have sounded like Shaggy.

Zoinks.

Then you got married and had kids right away?

-We waited a few years. -Oh, yeah.

Sometimes, you gotta let it build up, don't you?

But I think you're doing the parenting thing a little late.

I like being an older dad.

Why? Because you all get to wear diapers together?

"Okay, who pooped their diaper?

Dad."

I've heard of parents trying to bond with their kids, but you're taking it too far.

There's great things about being an older parent.

Oh, yeah. At the movies, you get child and senior citizen discounts.

Well, I guess they have good parents.

Thank you. Did you have a good relationship with your parents?

Uh, kind of hit and miss.

Sure. Sometimes good, sometimes bad.

No, hit and miss. Sometimes I got hit, and sometimes they missed.

-It was different back then. -Sure.

Back then, time out meant Mom had knocked you senseless.

-What about your dad? -Oh, she hit him, too.

By the way, did I hear you call yourself middle-aged?

-That's right. -And you're 55.

-That's right. -Yeah, being optimistic there, aren't you, chachi?

Middle-aged, middle, the center, halfway.

You are not gonna make it to 110.

And if you do, your kids are gonna be like, "Dad, it's time to die.

We're in our 70s now, we have our own problems.

Just fucking die."

It's gotta be weird, though, all the songs that get stuck in your head.

-Like what? -The Beatles and the Teletubbies.

Baby, you could drive my car, and the wheels on the bus go round and round.

So, do you ever fall asleep with the kids?

I do, and it's very sweet.

Yeah. Not exactly what you imagined when you fantasized about sleeping with twins, was it?

"Who's your daddy?"

-Say good night, Walter. -Thanks, Dublin.

That's Walter.

Thank you.

So, there's another reason that we're here in Dublin doing this show.

I am adopted, as Walter talked about.

And recently, I did the DNA thing where you'd check your background of where you're from, and I found out that I am a huge percentage of Irish descent.

And my act always reflects what's going on in my real life.

I have my three older daughters, and now my two toddler sons, and we have a blended family, and there's a lot of things to joke about.

A lot of people can relate to that.

That's what this special is all about, it's all about family.

But we came to Ireland, because you guys are great audiences, but also because I'm following my roots.

Also, Audrey and I have done due diligence about this.

We're happy about it, but we know there a lot of babies here in Ireland that need homes.

And so, while we're here, we're gonna be adopting an Irish baby.

And his name is Seamus.

Hi, Seamus.

Little baby Seamus, so cute.

Goo, goo, goo, goo.

Cootchie, cootchie, cootchie-coo.

Touch me like that again and I'll bite your fucking arm off.

-I'm sorry. I thought you were a baby. -I am.

-You sound quite a bit older than that. -That's what a few pints a day will do to you.

-Pints, you mean beer? -That's right.

-What happened to drinking from a bottle? -Oh, now you're talking.

I take whiskey as well.

-No, a baby bottle. -I don't care what it is.

If it's 90 proof or better, I'll take it from a fucking tin can.

-Don't you wanna be breastfed? -Don't we all?

But, Seamus, why did you start drinking alcohol so early?

Oh, well...

Uh, I saw the size of my John Thomas.

-Your what? -My winky.

-Oh, well, that will change. -I hope so.

What if a woman looked at you when your knickers were down and said, "Well, that's a cute one."

You'd be hammered all the time as well.

-You'll be fine. -If not, later in life, I'll have to drive a really nice sports car.

Wait a minute. I have a nice sports car.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Well, at least you have a big head.

Do you know who the first person to comment on that was?

-Who? -My ma.

-What did she say? -Oh, something along the lines of:

I think a C-section might have been a bit easier.

-Really? -Well, it's the difference between you opening a convertible top and getting out of the car that way versus having your arse shoved out the keyhole.

Well, I hope you're happy with Audrey and me adopting you.

Sure. And if it doesn't work out, I'll just go live with Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt.

They need a kid from Ireland to complete the collection.

I guess you don't know, Seamus, but they're divorced.

Oh, well, too bad.

I'm probably too white for them anyway.

Oh, fuck you, that's a good joke.

What do you like to play with? Was that a baby rattle I heard?

Actually, I think that was Walter's artificial hip.

Asshole!

Look, Seamus, have you been enjoying everything with us so far?

Oh, I like all your friends in the trunks.

-I've asked the guys to leave you alone. -Why?

I don't think they'd be a very good influence on a baby.

Everything's fine. If not, I'd kill you.

-That's what I mean. -If you think that's dark, you should see what Bubba J's been doing with the breast pump.

I'm never drinking from that thing again.

-By the way, who taught you to curse? -Peanut.

Babies should not curse.

I know. That guy's an asshole.

-Say, is Achmed around? -He is. Why?

I wanna show him how I can set off a bomb in my nappy.

I could clear this room right now.

Are you looking forward to living in the United States?

I don't think I'm going to care for your pubs.

Our pubs? Why is that?

They close.

Who the fuck does that?

Look, is there anything you'd like to do, or see right away when you get to the U.S.?

I'd like to see Mount Rushmore.

You know about that. That's the giant mountain carving with four of our most famous presidents.

Can you name our presidents by their heads?

Is this a Bill Clinton question?

So, at this age, you already know about politics?

-For sure. -What do you know about Donald Trump?

I think he could have been my mom's doctor.

-Why is that? -How do you think I was born?

He grabbed her by the pu--

But from what I could see, I liked him better than his opponent.

-Hillary Clinton? -That's the guy.

-No, she's a woman. -Really?

-Mm-hm. -Maybe I am drinking a wee bit too much.

And I like all your news channels.

What's the one with all foxes on it?

-Fox News. -Yeah.

The one with all the young ladies and their huge--

Ah-ah.

--personalities.

Hanging out.

I watch ten minutes of that, and I'm starving.

-That reminds me. I got a joke for you. -All right.

Do you know why chicken breasts don't have nipples?

-Why? -Because if you froze them, they'd poke a hole in the package.

Say, you never told me what happened to my real mother.

Oh, I thought you knew. She gave you up for adoption.

Oh, she did, now? And why would that be?

I was told that the main reason was because she was an alcoholic.

That was the best part.

-What? -Her milk tasted like Baileys Irish Cream.

-And you know why they took me from her? -Not exactly.

She tried to make me her designated driver.

And by the way, why did you keep pulling your diaper off last night at the hotel?

Uh... Sometimes, the boys need a little air.

We were in the lobby.

Boys' night out.

-Say, I've got another one for you. -What?

Do you know what a baby calls a topless woman?

-What? -A free bar.

-Walter told me that one. -Oh, he did?

Uh, you do know we have twin boys at home

-who are gonna be your new brothers. -Oh, sounds lovely.

I hate to drink alone.

They don't drink alcohol.

Baby steps.

Are you sure they're twins?

-Of course. -Maybe you're just seeing double.

That happens to me a lot. The other day, I thought I'd hit the mother lode.

-How is that? -Four nipples.

-And you say your boys are twins. -They are.

You told your wife to make it a double.

What are their names?

-Jack. -Oh, as in Jack Daniels?

Sure. And James.

Like Jameson Whiskey?

I love this fucking family.

So, Seamus, can you walk yet?

No, not yet, but I can do the pub crawl.

-I don't think you should be in a pub. -Why not?

I can barely hold my head up, I keep falling over, and I can't walk.

I fit right in.

How can someone your age be at a pub?

Oh, all the drunks just think I'm a leprechaun.

I got thrown out of the pub the other night.

-What did you do? -I tried to show off my lucky charms.

To make it worse, I yelled that they were magically delicious.

And that's Seamus, our new Irish baby.

They like it?

So, this next guy is from somewhere down south in the U.S.

Please, help me welcome Bubba J.

-How are you doing, Bubba J? -I'm doing pretty good.

-What do you think so far? -Well, I've been listening, and I think this is one of the best audiences we have ever had.

-Well, that's nice of you to say, Bubba J. -Well, yeah, I'm drunk.

-So, I actually don't know. -Okay.

-You're drunk? -Yeah.

I've been in the trunk with that Irish kid.

He talks funny, but he can drink me under the table.

The hell is that?

Oh, it's me.

It's your baby picture.

I thought those photos are supposed to be cute.

I look like Gollum from Lord of the Rings.

Hey, that reminds me. I was on the tour bus a little earlier today.

-Yeah. -I was talking to the other guys.

They're talking about some guy around here they saw who was in his 50's.

-Yeah? -He and his wife just had twins. Ha, ha.

How stupid is that?

Hey, I wonder who drools more, him or the kids.

Yeah, you can give him a baby shower, but at his age, that'd be a sponge bath.

And when he takes his kids to college, folks will be like:

"Hey, it's parents weekend. Why'd you bring your grandpa?"

-What? -Bubba J, you're talking about me.

You took your grandpa to parents weekend?

No, I'm the 55-year-old guy that has baby twins.

Does your wife know?

She had the twins. I'm the father.

-Oh, good for you. -Thanks.

Yeah, I forgot I went and visited your boys the other day.

-How did that go? -Well, like I said, I forgot. I was drunk. Surprise.

But I do remember they are good-looking little boys.

-Thank you. -And your wife is pretty, too.

Well, thank you. And I'm sure your wife is beautiful as well.

No.

-No? -Well, maybe after a six-pack.

How about after five beers?

Too soon, too soon.

But your wife really had twins?

-She did. -Which one of them's yours?

-They both are. -Oh, you dog.

You know, come to think of it, I got twin kids of my own.

You have twins as well?

-Uh-huh. -I didn't know that.

-Yeah. -Well, are yours easy to tell apart?

Not really, but I'm getting better at it.

I know Tommy is 9, and Mary is 3.

And she's black.

Your daughter is black?

Yeah, that was a tough one to explain to my wife.

Wait, what?

Well, I had to swear up and down that I had not slept with a black woman.

Bubba J, your wife gave birth to the child.

I know, and she's gonna be pissed off when she figures out that kid might not be hers.

Hey, are your twins attached?

No, they're not conjoined.

What?

-They're not conjoined. -Conjoined?

I like that. "Here come them Dunham boys. Conjoined, conjoined, conjoined."

-But they're not? -No.

That's too bad, 'cause you could have had all them two-for-one specials.

When you go out in public, you'd never have to say, "Stay together."

'Cause they're already conjoined, conjoined, conjoined.

No, they're not Siamese twins.

No, they're American twins.

So, for twins, did you, "chica, womp, womp," in a twin bed?

No, Bubba J. That's not how it works.

The kind of bed you have does not impact the child.

I don't know. My brother's a queen.

-And my sister's king-sized. -Oh.

Hey, hey, hey.

-Why did you have two? -Well--

In case you dropped one?

-No. -My mama swears I was not the twin she dropped.

Oh, so, you're a twin as well?

No.

You said you weren't the twin she dropped.

Right, 'cause I wasn't a twin.

Duh.

-So, she did drop you? -Well, yeah.

You're not real smart, are you, Jeff?

-Are your twins identical? -No, they're fraternal.

Oh, they're in a sorority.

I'd love to have more kids of my own, but my doctor said my squigglers are too drunk to swim.

Yeah, they're like drunk drivers veering off the road and crashing into bushes.

So, Bubba J, did you date a lot of women before you got married?

Just my wife.

Oh, good for you. You married your childhood sweetheart.

Oh, no, I didn't marry my dog.

I meant the first girl you fell in love with.

Oh, you know, she had her stomach stapled.

Oh, she's a big girl?

No, she's a centerfold in a magazine.

Say, did your wife boob-feed your kids?

Breastfeed.

You said breast.

-Yes, she did. -In public?

-Not a lot. -Mine did.

-Yeah. -I tried not to look.

-Right. -You're not supposed to look.

-Right. -You're a pervert if you look.

-Right. -That's where my wandering eye comes in handy.

I'm looking over here, but I'm also looking over here.

Whoo! Look at that!

So, you got two toddlers at home and also two kids in college.

-That's right. -Think about this.

Which ones throw up more?

Hmm.

-So, it's five kids from two marriages. -That's right. I have a blended family.

That ain't blended.

I got a cousin who has a kid that's half human and half donkey.

That's blended right there.

Their Christmas card looks like something went horribly wrong at the manger.

-The manger? -Well, I think it's a manger, 'cause every time somebody looks at the picture, they go, "Jesus Christ!"

Anything else going on?

Well, I'm no longer looking for work.

-Oh, good. So, you found a job? -No, I'm just no longer looking for work.

Is there a job you're interested in?

-Well-- -What do you like to do?

-I like doing this. -You like talking to people?

-Uh-huh. -Well, are you up on social issues?

Well, one time, I caught something from a girl, and it itched, so I had to get a shot.

What?

Not a social disease, a social issue.

Oh, I thought those are the same thing.

It itched, and that was an issue.

Especially socially.

No, issues within the community.

Oh, yeah, she's spread it around the whole damn community.

In fact, I feel like scratching right now.

But my arms ain't long enough.

Look, Bubba J, have you ever gotten a job?

You mean, from that girl?

No, a paying job.

Well, I offered her ten bucks.

Look, Bubba J, you like talking to people, and you care about them.

-Yeah. -You pay attention to the community.

-Sure. -Well, you could be in politics.

-I could? -Absolutely.

-I really do like to get things done. -Really?

No, I'm just fucking with you. I don't care.

Look, aren't you worried about Big Brother?

Well, yeah, that guy's also my uncle.

-Wait, your brother's also your unc-- -Don't even try.

It's like arithmetic, it will F you up.

Look, Bubba J, in politics, you have to give speeches.

-Can you do that? -Oh, yeah. I memorized one.

Ahem. I did not have sex with that woman.

Bubba J, that reference is almost 20 years old.

-Really? -Yeah.

Oh, okay.

I did not have sex with that little girl.

Oh, shit. Too far?

-Too far. -Okay.

Do you have any experience with debate?

Oh, sure. I use de-bait to catch the fish.

And then I can pull up some chain-link between the U.S. and Mexico and hire a secretary of defense.

I'm killing. This some funny shit, right here.

Look, Bubba J, if you were in office, would you reduce the unemployment rate?

Well, yeah, by one.

-'Cause I got the job. -I know.

-What about everyone else? -I'd make another speech.

Ahem. Get a job, you lazy bastards!

Look, Bubba J, with your appeal, I think you could reach out to young people.

Well, my uncle tried that. He got put on a list.

I'm saying, you should get out and press the flesh.

-No, that's what he did. -No, no...

You don't know what "press the flesh" means?

Well, one time, I sat on my own nuts. Is that it?

I don't know how I did it.

It must have been hot out.

Ain't never been the same, you know.

That's when my eye went crooked.

I was drunk when it happened.

I'm pretty sure that's where the phrase "beer nuts" came from.

-Say good night, Bubba J. -Thanks, Dublin!

-Good job. -Thank you.

Well, thank you.

Ladies and gentlemen, I have said it before, and I will say it again with pride.

Please help me welcome the world's favorite terrorist, Achmed the Dead Terrorist.

Greetings, Irish infidels!

Good to see you, Achmed.

Oh, it is good to see you, too, infidel number one.

Thank you. You're in a good mood. Why?

-I cannot believe I am here. -Why?

Because I was detained at your airport for days.

Why were you detained?

-Seriously? -Well--

I was detained, because everyone here thinks I look like a terrorist.

-But you are a terrorist. -That's racial profiling.

-But in this case, everyone is right. -You are violating my rights.

-What rights? You're a terrorist. -It's in your constitution.

-We're not in the United States. -Same shit.

-What--? -Freedom of the pressing of buttons.

-No such thing. -Freedom to assemble shit and blow it up.

-Wrong-- -Stop laughing!

What happened at the airport?

I'm in line, and the Immigration guy goes, "We are vetting you."

I never heard that word, "vetting."

I thought he was gonna kick dirt on my dog.

-Wait, you have a dog? -Yes.

-What kind? -The pain-in-the-ass kind.

-What's his name? -Little Bastard.

-Why'd you name him that? -I think it's funny to say:

"Come here, Little Bastard."

-Is he a good dog? -No.

-Why? -He's always trying to play fetch with me.

-That's good. -No, not with me. With me.

It's not funny.

If I yell, "Fetch, boy," he grabs my leg and runs like hell.

Stop laughing!

You think the sand on me is from the desert?

No, Little Bastard buried my ass in the fucking beach.

It's not funny.

-So, what happened at the airport? -The Immigration guy yelled at me.

He goes, "Why are you in this country?"

-What'd you say? -It scared the crap out of me.

I panicked and just blurted it out.

"I'm here to blow up shit."

-That's when he detained you? -And he did a cavity search.

It's not funny. Look at me.

Find a place on me where there's a cavity that I can hide stuff. Nowhere!

I didn't even have cavities in my teeth.

-Really? -No, I floss after every meal. Yup.

-Well, how about under that? -Don't touch my turban.

-What's under there? -Under where?

What are they laughing at?

-Well, I said, "under there." -Yes?

And you said, "underwear."

What are they laughing at?

You said you have underwear on your head.

That's not even a sentence.

-Underwear. -Where?

No, underpants.

What? I don't wear underpants.

Don't look.

I free no ball.

So, how'd you get away from Immigration?

Easy. I put my leg in Little Bastard's mouth and yelled, "Fetch!"

He dragged me all the way here. Here I am, yay.

But now I have a headache.

-Are you getting sick? -Just a headache.

-You could be getting sick. -It's just a headache.

-It really could-- -Read my lips.

I mean...

Shit. Read my teeth. Read my damn teeth.

-It's just a headache. -Have you had enough water?

What?

Some people don't realize how important water is.

It's really important. And sometimes if you don't drink it, you get dehydrated, You don't know it, you get a headache. It's really good for your skin.

Silence!

I kill you!

Oh, thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Silence, I kill you. Silence, I kill you.

Silence, I kill you.

Silence, I kill you.

Achmed, why do you always say that?

-What, "silence, I kill you"? -Yeah.

Because "hush, hush, or I give you a noogie" wouldn't cut it.

How's everything else going?

Well, I am angry, because Facebook won't let me on Facebook.

-Because you're a terrorist. -No. Because I don't have a face.

-Maybe I need more water. -Maybe.

-Anything else bothering you? -I don't know.

My 72 virgins are driving me crazy.

-Why? -Why?

Do you know what happens when 72 women all live in the same place together?

We suicide bombers are actually killing ourselves just to get away from the angry virgins.

So, this has been a while that you've had them.

Is it still 72 virgins?

I'm working on it.

I'm exhausted.

I just wanna play golf.

-Oh, you play golf? -I wish. I don't have the equipment.

-No clubs? -No putter.

No balls.

Not even a bag.

-What are they laughing at? -Never mind.

And all of those women, I am not getting any younger.

I'm like the tired popcorn guy.

-What? -"Come on, get it while it's hot."

Do you at least enjoy being with the 72 virgins?

Yes, but I can never remember all their names.

If you don't, how do you call out to one of them individually?

Hey, you, in the burka.

Then they all turn around at the same time.

It's like prairie dogs with hats.

If I had a hammer, I could play the world's largest game of whack-a-mole.

Whack-a-virgin.

Hey, wasn't that a Madonna song?

I understand your first wife was with you in the beginning.

And at the end.

-So, what first attracted you to her? -Her goatee.

She had that much facial hair?

No, no. She had a little animal that went:

-I see. -No, no, you don't wanna see.

-How's that? -My first wife was not a pretty woman.

-No? -No. At the mall, Santa Claus looked at her and went, "Ho-ho-holy shit."

-But your first wife-- -I didn't care about her looks, because on our first date, I got pretty far with her.

-You mean you, like, kissed her? -Oh, a lot more than that.

-Really? -Yeah. I got to look at her ankle.

-Her ankle? -Oh, yeah. Just thinking about it...

...gives me a big nothing.

-Really? -Yeah.

-Maybe I need more water. -Maybe.

You know, I think comedy and suicide bombing have a lot in common.

-How's that? -Timing.

Think about it. I kill you. Perfect.

I ki-- He fucked up.

So, was your wife one of the 72 virgins?

No, no, no. She was long before them. And then she divorced me.

-I'm sorry. -It's okay. I got the goat.

-How have things been going lately? -Oh, not bad.

Oh, that gets the laugh.

I'm actually dating someone who is not one of the annoying 72.

-Really? -Oh, yeah. She is also a suicide bomber.

-You have a lot in common. -Yeah, she's dead.

And when I say I wanna jump her bones, that's all she's got.

Yeah, us having sex sounds like a horse on cobblestones.

When I give her a back rub, it sounds like a xylophone.

So, if you get 72 virgins, what does a female suicide bomber get?

Crock-Pot.

-Non-stick. -That's great.

But she is a very interesting woman.

She claims she has edible underwear.

Oh, you have heard of this.

Yes, but what flavor edible underwear would a female terrorist have?

Cherry Bomb.

-You get it? It's like two jokes. -Yeah.

Hey, speaking of that, how are your twins?

-Oh, shit. They turned on me. -Yeah, they did.

The boys are fine, thank you.

But your wife getting pregnant, that must have been surprising.

-Surprising? -Yeah.

You know, like finding out a landmine still works even though it's really old.

Chica, chica, womp, womp.

The two new little Dunham terrorists.

-They're not terrorists. -Just wait.

-All kids are terrorists. -No, they're not.

Hey, when you're holding one of your little boys, you never know, any second he might go off. Boom. Stink bomb.

-What are their names? -Jack and James.

You are so fucking white. Oh, my God.

Jack and James?

Sounds like a nursery rhyme for two gay kids.

Jack and James went out the door To fetch a pail of lattes

What are your kids' names?

Achmed Junior, Achmed Junior Junior Junior, Achmed Junior, JR and Steve.

-Steve? -One of the virgins is white.

One of my boys is getting ready to go through puberty.

-That is a tough age. -Yup.

They never listen.

-You have to repeat things over and over. -Like what?

The same things my father used to say to me all the time.

-What's that? -"Stop pulling on your dynamite.

It's gonna go off.

And then you'll be blind."

Achmed, when my girls were young, one of their favorite games was "got your nose."

You ever play...?

I am seriously going to kill you after this show.

So, Achmed, what were your parents like?

Well, after my father went to work, I didn't see much of him.

Where'd he go?

Over there, over there, up there, down there, over there.

That's...

That's terrible.

Yeah. So, now, whenever there's a sandstorm, I'm like, "Dad."

Achmed, there's been a curiosity about you in the past ten years.

I get questions about you all the time. Are you gonna tell your life story?

-Like in a book? -Yeah.

Oh, that'd be great. Once upon a time...

The end.

If you could go back in time, is there anything you'd do differently or change?

I'd cut the other wire.

It's not funny!

Well, did any good come of your death?

Well, it was near a hospital, so technically, I'm an organ donor.

Yeah, for the hospital staff, it was like a gross Easter egg hunt.

But now with no skin, I can't get the tattoo I always wanted.

-What tattoo was that? -Skull and crossbones.

Not funny!

Or maybe a face!

-Covered with water! -Maybe.

Damn it. Remind me not to blow myself up anymore.

Well, things could be worse.

How could they be worse?

Well, I could've found out my mother was a whore and my real father is Walter.

Sucks for you!

Achmed, one of the biggest topics now that everyone is worried about is that scary group who wants to take over the world.

Yeah, the Kardashians.

No.

-No, ISIS. -Oh, those guys.

-Were you ever in ISIS? -No, I was in a smaller fringe group.

We just blew up things. We called ourselves the Tali-bam!

But I love the Kardashians.

-You do? -Oh, sure.

That is one scary-ass family.

I cannot stop watching their show.

Really? Who's your favorite Kardashian?

The black one.

No, that's Kanye. He's West.

I'm pretty sure he's south.

-Not the direction. -No direction?

-Not that direction. -Which direction?

None.

-None? -Well, one direction.

He's in a boy band?

No, I said he's West.

Well, I guess. He's certainly not north.

-No, that's his daughter. -No.

His daughter is up north?

No, his daughter is North.

That's what I said.

His daughter is North West.

He's quick.

-No. -Is he still west?

-No. -Now no?

No, he's a West.

What are you, Italian?

"I don't a-care if he's a-north or a-south."

No, he's West, but he's not out west.

His daughter is North, but she's also West.

So, she's North West, and the whole family is West.

You've finally started experimenting with crack, haven't you?

-But Kim is Kanye's wife. -Yes.

-And where is she? -I don't know.

But you know everyone else is west.

-She is, too. -A-ha!

Wait.

-Do you know who Kim's stepfather is? -No.

She's a lovely woman.

Stop screwing with me!

I kill you from here!

Not funny!

And you're making it worse, because I'm hangry.

-You mean hungry? -No, hangry. I'm hungry and angry.

You're looking a little thin.

Silence!

-Did you eat today? Oh. -Just breakfast.

-Cereal. -What's your favorite breakfast cereal?

Life.

And then I usually add a few grape nuts just so I can say I have some.

Not funny!

-You like any ethnic foods? -Mexican.

-Oh, I love Mexican food, too. -Yeah.

So, if you like Mexican, do you like soft or crunchy tacos?

Uh, in this instance, are you using taco as a metaphor?

Because your answer will determine my answer.

-No. -Crunchy.

Okay.

-Yes. -Soft.

I bet there's some school dropouts here that are very confused.

"I thought a metaphor was a new kind of Mercedes."

"The Mercedes Metaphor class. It's like something else."

1139 00:56:54,577 --> 00:56:58,164 You know, in all honesty, sometimes in these places, I don't feel safe.

-A little outnumbered? -Yeah.

I understand.

I should have some sort of signal if I need help.

Well, I saw in a movie once where they told a guy to blink really fast if he felt in danger.

Oh, okay.

Son of a bitch!

Bubba J's arms are too short and I don't have any fucking eyelids!

Maybe I need more water!

Maybe. Say good night, Achmed.

Thank you, Dublin!

I kill you!

And now for our last guy this evening.

He's purple, he's wacky.

Please help me welcome my buddy, Peanut.

-How are you, Peanut? -Good. How are you?

-I'm fine. -That's good. That's good.

Two infants at your age, how the hell did that happen?

Didn't anyone ever tell you about the birds and the bees?

Yup, but nobody mentioned the birds and the dinosaurs.

I wonder what their first words are gonna be.

-Mama? Dada? -More like, "Grandpa."

Don't worry, you'll probably be deaf by then anyway.

Grandpa.

Hey, you can all share the same mushed baby food.

-Or eat your shit. -Stop it.

-Is it hard to tell the twins apart? -Not at all.

But soon, it'll be hard for you to tell anything apart.

"No, Dad, that's a toilet plunger. That is not a dog dish on a stick."

At your age, playing catch means trying to stop Daddy from falling down the stairs.

-You got no balance. -Stop it.

I got to watch them take their first steps.

Yeah, they get to watch you take your last.

The great thing for them is when they misbehave, you won't remember what they did wrong.

"If I told you once, I told you a thousand times some shit."

You're senile. -Stop it.

I can't wait to take them to their first game.

What, bingo?

-'Cause you're in a home. -Stop it.

Will they be riding on the back of your motorcycle? No.

The back of your electric scooter. Yay!

"Come on, Dad, let's run over the extension cord again." Yay!

Thump, thump, yay!

You don't have to take them to Disneyland. You can just put them on your chairlift.

-You can't use the stairs. -Stop it.

Stop it.

Play hide-and-seek?

No, because you'll forget what the fuck you're looking for.

You'll be so old by the time your sons are ready to hear the sex talk, you'll be saying to them:

"When a man and a woman love each other very much, the man takes a blue pill.

Waits for it to kick in, then lowers the railings on his hospital bed.

Throws his legs over this side and breaks his hip."

Wow, breaking your hip right after taking a Viagra.

"Well, before we put a cast on that, sir, we're gonna have to wait four hours."

-You got a boner. -Stop it.

Just do not ever give them that talk.

No one wants to hear the sex talk from their grandpa.

I'm not their grandpa.

Hey, if it looks like a duck and it walks like a duck...

-You're a fucking duck. -Stop it.

-Might fucking quack. -Stop it.

Stop it!

I feel sorry for your boys, 'cause when they're old enough to go to school, other boys will be saying, "My dad can beat up your dad."

They'll be saying, "We can beat up our own fucking dad.

Just have to knock him out of his wheelchair first."

Then you'll be laying on the ground yelling:

"Help! My 5-year-old sons kicked my ass and I can't get up!"

-'Cause you're weak. -Stop it.

-You're gonna get them a dog? -Eventually.

No, get them a dog now.

Get them the Shar-Pei, one of those full-defurred dogs.

Why that kind of dog?

Well, when they're teens, everybody will be used to having some blind wrinkly thing wandering around the house bumping into walls.

-You. -Stop it.

-But they're healthy? -Yes.

-Good, 20 fingers and 20 toes? -Yes.

-Two bats and four balls? -Yes.

-You'll bring them on the tour bus? -Probably.

Be like us and make them sleep in the suitcase?

-'Cause you're an asshole. -Stop it.

Just make sure you teach them how to tell time.

I will. But why?

So, they'll know when to give you your medication.

-Are they talking yet? -Not yet.

But we're starting to watch everything we say, 'cause eventually, they repeat everything they hear.

What are they gonna get in trouble for saying?

Prune juice.

Osteoporosis.

-Funeral arrangements. -Stop it.

Have you kid-proofed the house yet?

-Everything but a couple of antiques. -What, you and your mom?

-'Cause you're both old farts. -Stop it.

Think of how old you'll be when you teach them to drive.

-It'll be fine. -No, it won't.

They'll learn to drive if their indicator is always on.

When they graduate from high school, you gonna give them wheels?

-Probably. -What, the ones off your walker?

-And two fucking tennis balls. -Stop it.

So, with the kids in the house, is the chica, womp, womp, kind of affected?

-A little bit. -Yeah, now it's: chica, womp, womp, womp.

You used to have on music like Sade and Luther Vandross.

Now you do it to the sounds of the baby monitor.

Chica, chica, womp, womp You light candles, but now it's to get rid of the smell of the diapers.

-Yeah. -Not just the boys'.

What are your wife's signals when she's ready for love?

Does she coyly wipe the spit off her shoulders?

"Hey, Daddy.

I can change your diaper.

Want something to drink?"

Oh, like you have never thought of that.

Are you gonna be one of those really cautious dads?

-What does that mean? -Kids wearing knee pads and helmets.

-Probably. -I mean, you should.

You didn't have that when you were little.

-No. -Probably affected you.

No.

Jeff.

You're talking to me.

This isn't real.

I know. It's hard for you to accept, isn't it?

You should've worn the fucking helmet.

What are you--? What are you doing?

Being annoying.

This is awkward.

I know.

I don't like this.

Exactly.

If I were any closer...

I would be in you.

-Back off. -I can kick your ass.

What is wrong with you?

Stop it.

What the hell is that?!

Is that my hair?!

Put it back!

-Give me it back! -You know how this works, right?

-What? -You have a hole in your head.

Is this gonna hurt?

I hope so.

Wait, -I just asked you if this is gonna hurt. -Yeah.

I bet no one has ever asked you that before.

Okay, here's one. This is the one you've heard a lot.

Is it in yet?

Say good night, Peanut.

Thanks, Dublin!

[Black Star Riders' "Soldierstown" playing]

♪ They know he's bound for Soldierstown It's written on the moon ♪

♪ They're pulling all the shutters down Listening fearful of his tune ♪

♪ He'll sing his song of sixpence Break his fist upon a door ♪

♪ They know the score in Soldierstown He's journeyed here before ♪

♪ There is no choice, no compromise Give up one of your kin ♪

♪ To save the other children To save your bone and skin ♪

♪ Tonight's the night, you must decide Which son will stay or go ♪

♪ The devil rides in Soldierstown His boots cut through the snow ♪

♪ A shadow falls on windows Praying that he'll pass ♪

♪ Listening for the death knell Of his breath upon the glass ♪

♪ You all must lose a finger If you wish to save a hand ♪

♪ The stranger chants a mantra That the townsfolk understand ♪

♪ Now every son and daughter Has been taken in the night ♪

♪ Condemned, they say, to slaughter If they dare to take the fight ♪

♪ It's midnight out in Soldierstown There's a knock upon the door ♪

♪ The youngest pushed out in the snow To save the other four ♪

♪ You can hear the screams in Belfast town Or so the story goes ♪

♪ You can trace the sets of footprints In the deepest winter snows ♪

♪ There's nothing here in Soldierstown Save misery and pain ♪

♪ The crops all failed in Soldierstown They never grew again ♪


♪ The stranger, though misunderstood Had to come to save their young ♪

♪ To steal them from their poverty Turn their faces to the sun ♪

♪ To a place where law And love were taught ♪

♪ And peace, it overflowed ♪

♪ One night a soulless father Met the stranger on the road ♪

♪ I'll fight until one of us dies He screamed into his face ♪

♪ "I admire your noble notion" Said the stranger, touched by grace ♪

♪ But first please let me show you Where the young you gave me play ♪

♪ In meadows filled with laughter Growing wiser by the day ♪

♪ One day your son may save you all From the hell of Soldierstown ♪

♪ "But take him back," the stranger cried His patience wearing down ♪

♪ A stranger came to Soldierstown When 20 years had passed ♪

♪ Looking for his father Breathing slowly on the glass ♪

♪ There is no choice, no compromise Give up one of your kin ♪

♪ To save the other children To save your bone and skin ♪

♪Tonight's the night, you must decide Which son will stay or go ♪

♪ The devil rides in Soldierstown His boots cut through the snow ♪

♪ You can hear the screams in Belfast town Or so the story goes ♪

♪ You can trace the sets of footprints In the deepest winter snows ♪

♪ There's nothing here in Soldierstown Save misery and pain ♪

♪ The devil rides in Soldierstown He's smiling once again ♪

♪ The devil rides in Soldierstown ♪