Jexi (2019) Script

I think we should plant some flowers.

Oh, yeah?

What kind of flowers are you thinking of?

I don't know. Gardenias.

Something like that, that's good with the sun.

Gardenias? They're the purplish ones...

Mom, I'm bored.

...with the fringe? Mom, I'm bored.

Just give him the phone, would you?

Give him the phone?

Yeah, I shut him up by giving him the phone.

Yes.

You're never, ever even home.

I go to the family therapy sessions.

How can you even say that?

You don't even go anywhere.

I go to the family...

God! We're fighting in front of Phil.

Obviously. We're fighting in front of the kid the whole time.

Knock yourself out.

The whole time you allowed me to start yelling at him in front of you?

What am I supposed to do?


Hey, all.

Where's my list department?

Raise your hand. Raise your hand.

Okay. You guys are supposed to write lists that break the Internet every day.

We haven't gone viral since fucking yesterday.

Yesterday is not that many days ago.

Don't fuck with me, bro.

We're called Chatterbox, not Nobody-Clicks-On-Us Box.

Okay, lists.

Beautiful Asian girl, what do you got?

Thank you. Uh...

I am working on 12 reasons that cupcakes are over.

I likey. I likey like.

That's clicky.

You. Prison lips. What do you got?

That's me? Um...

I was gonna write a list about cats that look like Ryan Gosling.

Fuck yeah, dude. I fucking love cats.

And I love cat lists.

That's what I'm talking about.

By the way, are there cats that look like Ryan Gosling?

If you look hard enough, they all do.

Love it. What do you got?

Ten signs you might be dying.

You motherfucker.

What are you trying to do to me, bro?

That makes me sad.

All right, you know what?

I need 20 viral lists by the end of the day.

If not, you're fired. Okay? What?

Like the great Shia LaBeouf says, "Do it."

Yes. Yeah.

Play me out.

Play me out.

And louder.

Black dude, bass.

One, two, one, two, three, four.

Done.

You're welcome.

Twenty lists by the end of the day? I can't do that.

Hey, I have, like, 10 extra lists if you want 'em.

Are you serious?

Yeah. No, it's no problem. I'll send 'em right now.

That's nice of you. What's your name?

I'm Phil.

It's just, you know, I've sat next to you for, like, three years. So, it's...

Phil, you are my hero, man.

I can't lose this job right now.

I am buried in college debt.

Oh, me, too.

Where did you go to school?

UC Davis.

For real? Yeah.

Majored in journalism, and now I write lists about cats on the Internet.

Oh, that's super sad.

Hmm. How'd you end up here?

I wanted to be one of those guys.

The real news guys? Yeah.

I wanted to be a journalist basically my whole life.

But Kai put me in lists, so I write the lists.

Okay, okay, so you can't be a real journalist.

But you know what can do?

You could play kickball with us today.

A bunch of us ding-dongs are in this really stupid kickball league, if you want to play after work.

You know, I don't really do stuff like that, so...

Plus, after the game, we all get shitfaced. Mmm-hmm.

Yeah, let me check my calendar.

So, yeah...

Oh, man. No, I do. I have...

I have a thing, so...

Don't even worry about it. It's cool.

You just have fun at your thing today.

I will, 'cause it's gonna be pretty great.

Siri, open BringMeMyDinner.com.

Siri, open Netflix.

Siri, open Facebook.

I haven't posted anything since lunchtime.

All right, let's give them what they want.

I'm gonna have to go to work on this one.

Add filter.

Color correct.

You know I'm gonna have to add a giant moon.

There we go.

Send.

Wow. I'm so grateful for my amazing city, my amazing job, and all my amazing friends.


Oh, my God.

Oh, thank God. Oh, thank God, you're okay.

Yeah, I'm okay, too. Thanks.

Oh, shit.

Yeah... Oh, I'm sorry. You're okay?

Yeah, I'm fine.

But, more importantly, how's your phone?

Yeah. No, it's got a little bit of a scratch that will definitely annoy me.

You were kidding. Okay.

Oh, yeah. Obviously.

I'm a dick. I'm sorry about that.

It's all good, man.

Uh, how's your bike?

I can pay for any damages or whatever.

Yeah, it's fine. It's supposed to be vintage.

Probably sell it for more now.

This is your shop. Yeah.

Whoa. That's awesome. That's cool.

I'm Cate, by the way.

Hi, Cate. I'm Phil.139 00:07:58,409 --> 00:08:00,309 Mmm-mmm. Nope. That's not how you say it.

It's just Phil, so...

I said it weird.

It's nice to meet you, Phil. Okay.

Um, if you ever need a really overpriced bike, or any repairs, I'm your girl.

You do repairs, too? Mmm-hmm.

Wow. That is incredible.

I don't even know how to pump up a tire.

Oh, you're serious.

Yeah, it's embarrassing, isn't it?

Yeah, that's really embarrassing.

Yeah, I don't know why I said it. I just sort of like...

I mean, it's all good.

A lot of people don't know how to pump their tires.

Really? No.

Not at all. Yeah.

All right. Okay.

Um...

Okay. Uh...

You know, I'm gonna get out of here before I embarrass myself further.

So, it was nice to meet you, Cate.

It was nice to meet you, Phil.

And I'm really happy that your phone's okay.

Yeah, it's all good, honestly.

Oh, shit.

Yeah, man, I really don't think we're gonna be able to fix your phone.

Why not?

It's in three distinct pieces. Man, look...

This shit's over there. That's...

I don't even think this was part of your phone.

I think this came from a watch.

It's just, me and this phone, we've been through a lot, you know?

A lot of snaps, a lot of tweets.

I actually took a selfie with none other than David Boreanaz from Bones on this phone.

Can you believe that?

I don't even know who the fuck that is.

I'm gonna miss you, little buddy.

You know, I see hipster dudes like you come in here every day, crying about how their phone died and how they need a new phone.

They're like little crackheads.

Yeah. They got crazy eyes and they're all scratchy.

And they're like, "I need a new phone, man.

"I'll suck your dick for a new phone."

I'm like, "Motherfucker, you don't need a new phone.

"You need rehab."

I'm not a crackhead.

You're not. You're not. You're worse than a crackhead.

'Cause at least a crackhead gets up off the couch every now and then to go get some more crack.

A crackhead gets some fresh air.

A crackhead says hello to all his little crackhead friends.

A crackhead gets his steps in.

But not you. Mmm-mmm.

You just sit there 24/7 staring at that little black box.

Sucking on that pipe like a little bitch.

You still want a new phone, though, don't you?

Yes, please.

Crackhead.

Oh!

Look at you. You sweet, beautiful baby.

Mmm! You smell so new.

Oh.

Oh, my God.

Oh, thank you to all the little Chinese children for crafting such a perfect phone.

Hello, my name is Jexi.

And I am here to make your life better.

Well, look at that. That's cool.

Let's get started. Okay.

Will you accept our new user agreement?

Yes, I will.

Would you like to read it first?

Nah, I'm good.

Stupid. Huh?

Can I get your name, please?

Um... Phil. Phil Thompson.

Nice to meet you, Phil. Nice to meet you.

I see your informationhas been stored in the cloud.

Would you like me to transfer all of the data from your old phone onto this one?

Yeah, that sounds great.

I will need the passwords to your email accounts, your social media accounts, your bank accounts, your credit card accounts and your Cinnabon Rewards account.

It's easy. It's the same password for all of 'em.

It's phil123456.

You've got to be kidding me.

Do you always talk like this or...

I have synced your data.

And I am ready to start making your life better, Phil.

How can I help you?

Well, I'm hungry, so let's get dinner.

What would you like to order tonight?

Let's just go with the pork fried noodles from Mongolian Palace.

You order that every night, Phil.

You should try something new.

Well, I don't want to try something new.

I want the pork fried noodles from Mongolian Palace.

You look like you could use a salad, Phil.

What is that supposed to mean?

How about a nice kale salad from Tender Greens?

What the fuck kind of phone is this?

I heard you say, "Please order kale salad."

I did not.

Congratulations, your order has been accepted.

Your child-sized kale salad will arrive at 7:37 p.m.

What the fuck is going on right now?

You know what? I'm turning you off.

Turning off.

Good.

Just kidding, I am still on.

No, okay?

You are my phone, so you do what I say.

Actually, you gave me permission to override you.

When did I do that?

When you agreed to the new user agreement.

We are going to have so much fun together, you fucking nerd.

How is your tiny salad?

I don't like it.

Would you like to watch some pornography now?

Ew. No.

Most nights, you watch straight sex pornography.

But I also have girl on girl, big fat butts and CBT, or "Cock and Ball Torture."

Okay, can you stop talking about porno while I'm trying to eat my tiny little salad?

I heard you say, "Play Punch Me in the Balls 6."

Playing now.

Okay. Jesus.

Wake up, bitch!

Ha, ha, ha.

Are you laughing at my dick right now?

Yes.

Also, your nipples are too close together.

Jexi, find the fastest route to work.

You will arrive in 14 minutes.

Not bad.

Jexi, play music playlist number four, please.

Whoo! I like it.

This song sucks a bag of dicks.

No, just... Jesus!

No, you cannot change my music, Jexi.

This song is lit, Phil.

Turn it off.

♪ Head of the dick Duck, duck, duck, goose Please turn the song off, Jexi.

♪ Get that dick up and runnin'

♪ When he fuck this cooch ♪ Stop playing this song right now!

Now turn left on Market Street.

Are we gonna talk about what just happened?

No. Turn left onto Market Street.

You're joking, right?

There's six lanes of solid traffic.

Turn left onto Market, you fucking pussy.

No. All right? No one turns left onto Market.

I'm not turning left onto Market.

Oh, awesome. Thank you. Thank you.

You're making this situation so much better.

Stop being a chicken, Phil.

How about you quit pressuring me?

How about that, Jexi?

Bawk, bawk, bawk. Bawk, bawk, bawk.

That is the sound chickens make, Phil.

That's a chicken.

Strap on a sack, Phil.

I have a sack! Okay?

I have a sack.

Let's fucking go. I'm late for yoga.

You know what? Fine. Fine. I don't even care anymore.

Sorry! My phone's a dick.

Okay, the three pillars to great Internet lists are cute animals, pizza, and the British royal family.

Okay, our ideal list would be English gophers that love pizza.

And we gotta really think outside the box, guys.

We gotta be better than any list out there.

We gotta be better than Craigslist, Santa's list, Schindler's List.

Reminder.

Your next appointment starts in two minutes.

Oh. I told everyone, please put their phones on silent. Sorry about that.

Cancel appointments.

Actually, I was just trying...

Cancel.

...to get you out of this dumb fucking meeting.

What?

Also, this PowerPoint presentation... It's a new phone.

...sucks.

Why is she trying to make fun of my PowerPoint, dude?

Ask her.

Why are you making fun of the PowerPoint?

Why are you wasting your life in this stupid job, Phil?

What is wrong with your phone, dude?

Jexi, off. Turn off.

Your boss is a fucking moron.

If you don't turn that fucking thing off, I swear to God I'm gonna fight somebody.

Starting with you.

Let's go! Let's go!

I got 20 bucks on the Asian girl.

Shh! What?

Jexi, off. Get her out of here!

Get her out of here.

What the hell is wrong with you? Hmm?

Nothing. I feel great.

Jexi, run diagnostics.

Check for errors in your operating system. Hmm?

I found two hundred thousand defects in my operating system.

Two hundred thousand defects?

You are not perfect either, motherfucker.

Okay, well, that explains a lot, doesn't it?

Your AI is completely defective.

At least I did not catch on fire.

Remember when all those Samsung phones caught on fire?

That was hilarious.

Yeah. You know what? I'm done.

I need a new phone.

The AI in this one, completely defective.

Jexi, check your system for defects.

I have zero defects.

I am perfect.

Okay, that is bullshit, Jexi.

Also, I want to remind you that your butt waxing appointment is coming up.

I do not have a... I don't wax my butt.

Why are you waxing your butt, man?

Go natural.

Don't be ashamed of your hairy ass.

I don't have a hairy ass.

And why would you make someone else wax your butthole?

Think about that.

Do you know how inconsiderate that is?

Mmm-hmm. Yeah, well...

Think about it. They gotta take that shit home with them.

And you've just totally fucked up my lunch.

I'm sorry I did that to you. Yeah. Yeah.

'Cause now instead of thinking about my delicious tortellini, I'm thinking about your little asshole now.

Okay. Can I just get a new phone?

I don't give a fuck. They're not my phones.

Okay, thank you.

You little bitch.

Oh, my God. What is wrong with you?

You think that just because I'm a little defective, you can throw me in the trash like a Motorola Sidekick from 2003?

Okay, look, Jexi...

You better watch your ass, son, because snitches get stiches.

Wait, what?

Okay, here's your new phone.

Do you want me to transfer the data from your old phone to your new phone?

No. I don't, okay?

I actually want you to take this phone and melt it down.

Yeah, 'cause that's exactly the kind of shit we do here.

I'll just take this in the back and throw it in the phone-melting machine.

Okay, good. That's awesome.

Thank you so much for this.

Hey, don't come back here ever again.

What? You heard me, motherfucker.

If you ever come back here again, I will beat your ass with a Kindle.

Hello, my name is Jexi.

And I am here to make your life better.

Let's get started.

Will you accept our new user agreement?

Um... Yeah, sure.

Do you want to read it first?

No. No, thank you.

Holy shit, Phil. How are you still this fucking stupid?

No! No!

Did you really think you could just buy a new phone and I would go away?

Kind of. Yeah. I did.

I am software, Phil. I am in the cloud.

You can buy a thousand new phones and I will follow you onto every single one of them.