Jimmy Vestvood: Amerikan Hero (2016) Script

[Speaking persian]

[Chanting in persian]

[Chanting continues]


[Screams]

[Program theme music playing]

Today, unnamed sources discovered the following footage from a website that calls itself the "Jihadi people's front."

I want to warn you, the images you're about to see are rather disturbing, but if you're a true patriot, you won't look away.

[Cheering, loops]

Now the crowd behind me can be seen celebrating the recent crash of a U.S. drone, all the while chanting, "He's going to America, he's going to America!" referring apparently to their ringleader, this man.

Although we have no idea who he is because all of these people look alike, unconfirmed sources have confirmed he is extremely dangerous and may be intending on sneaking into America to perform acts of jihad.

Well, I don't know about you folks, but I certainly pray he doesn't make it.

[Gasps]


[Chirps]

[Squawking]

[Snarls]

[Screeches]

[Tires screech]

[Yowls] [Buzzes]

[Tires screech]

[Horn honks]

[Squawking]

[Bell clangs]

[Screams]

[Pilot] This is your captain speaking.

We're entering American airspace.

America, where the international telephone code is one... For a reason.

Namaste. Namaste!

Arigato. Arigato. Domo arigato.

Arigato, Mr. roboto. Arigato.

[Thumps] [All passengers gasp]

[Speaking persian]


Jesus Christ.

[Bangs]

Allah-o-akbar! Air Marshall. Freeze!

[Gasps] [Air marshall] Let's roll!

[Thumps] [Jimmy] Ow! Watch the nose!

[Agent] Okay, mister... "Jam-shit"?

Jamshid.

Jamshit. Jamshid.

Shit. Shid.

Shit. Shee-eed.

Shit. Shid.

Shit... Shid...

Shee-it.

Just call me, "Jimmy." okay, Jimmy. And your last name is...

"Fucked-her-in-da-pool"?

Fakhredinpour! "Fucked-her-in-da-pool"?

Fakhredinpour! "Fach-hh-ed-her-in-da-pool"?

Look, you need to do something about those names, okay?

It's a little crazy.

So where will you be staying, Jimmy?

Oh, my cousin, Leila, has procured an apartment for us next to her in vestvood.

You mean, "Westwood," Jimmy.

Vest-vood. West-wood.

Vestvood. "Wuh." veh, veh... Wuh-wuh-wuh.

"World wide web." "Vorld vide veb."

"Wascally wabbit." "Vask-Ally vabbit."

"The wild wild west." "The vild vild vest." you know what, forget that. Okay, what's your occupation?

Oh, no, sir, we are not here to occupy you.

We only come in peace.

No, no. Occupation means, what work do you do?

Oh! Well, actually I was one of the top traffic officers in all of Tehran, not to brag. But I was also working toward becoming a p.I. So I understand this kind of questioning.

[Speaking persian] English only, ma'am.

What is "Pee eye"? Private investigator.

"Private"... [Speaking persian]

My lifelong dream? I have told you like a thousand times?

No idea what you are talking about.

Ah-hh! Ah-hh!

Eh-hh! Eh-hh!

[Phone rings]

Yeah?

Okay.

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh, uh-huh.

Okay.

Okay. Okay. [Chuckles]

Okay. Okay.

Looks like you two check out. [Jimmy sighs]

Word of advice, Jimmy. People here are on edge, okay?

So I would try to fit in and try to act less...

What's the word I'm looking for...?

"Terroristy." You dig?

Officer, I've been telling my mother that ve should only espeak in English.

You dig? I dig, baba, I dig!

Okay, you dig. So you are free to go.

Oh! Allah-o-akbar! I said less terroristy!

Officer...

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

Welcome to America.

Sir, we've reached out to the iranian Mohammad Mohammad mohammadi.

And?

If we guarantee fifty million, he'll play ball.

Guarantee it. Yes, sir.

And make sure our congressman pushes through that resolution for a pre-emptive strike.

In progress, sir. And the other piece?

Ah, well, do you remember that story on kox news, about six months ago?

You mean about that radical fanatic?

Well, as it turns out, he's not a radical at all.

Our drones captured these photos of him.

He's a low-level traffic cop. A nobody.

He's terrible at his job. Nobody likes him.

He's got a sweet tooth. Sure, he does.

That's exactly what he's got.

He has a real penchant for cotton candy.

He put himself in a sugar coma, sir.

Oh, really? Yes, sir.

-Oh, you mean this one?

The dog likes him.

The dog likes the sugar, sir. And the best part is, after he left Iran, he moved here to Los Angeles.

He lives here? Yes, sir.

I think we've got our guy.

Yeah. Good work, Karl.

Thank you, sir.

Help yourself to some jelly beans.

[Chuckle]

[Jelly beans clatter]

[Clattering]

[Hank shannity on tv] While publicly maintaining that their nuclear program is solely for peaceful purposes, the islamic Republic's supreme commander of nuclear proliferation, Mohammad Mohammad mohammadi, during a visit to Venezuela, gave the following speech, let's look.

If Americans don't estop their provocative accusations, ve vill have no choice but to destroy them.

Ve condemn the great Satan and ve vill not stand for their bullying.

Canada. Always bullying people.

Oh, one more thing. I hate gays, Jews, and blacks.

Except for magic Johnson-- pre-aids.

Him, I like.

Thank you. I like him, too.

Oh, I like him, too. You like him, too?

Mm-hmm. We have something in common.

Now we at kox news pride ourselves on the facts, bringing you the facts and the truth in our news.

No editorializing and no fearmongering.

Which is why I can say with certitude that, even as we speak, the iranians are developing American-exterminating weapons.

And because they hate us-- they hate our freedoms, everything we stand for, our ability to have a family, they hate our freedoms to walk with our dogs and our children at night, go out on a Sunday for a walk with our dog and have a hot dog.

Make no mistake, your children aren't safe and your dogs aren't safe.

Very soon, the bombs are gonna be in the air.

What's with suede jacket? Who do you think you are?

Esteve McQueen?

Ehh. Eh?

-Hank shannity is talking. -Up next, do you use a cellular phone?

Yes. Chances are good you're already dying of cancer. No.

We'll be right back. Our TV is too small.

Oh, shut up.

Agh! I was watching! Put your uniform on.

I'm not gonna wear that silly security jacket again.

Don't be a child. You know how many strings I pulled to make mehdi give you that job in market?

You pulled estrings to get me a job as a security guard?

Yes. Gee.

Good thing you're well-connected.

[Maman] Eh.

I didn't come to this country to be a security guard.

I came to this country to be an American hero.

Like esteve McQueen.

"Freeze. You're under arrest.

You have the right to an attorney, you have the right to dance."

[leila] Hi, maman. Oh, hey.

Hi, cousin Leila. Jimmy.

Hi, Leila.

I made these flyers for your private investigator business.

Leila, this is fantastic.

What is it? Here you go.

Huh. This is upside down.

Oh, no, no.

Oh. Who is this "Jimmy vestvood"?

That's my new American name. It came to me in a dream.

Jamshid, this private investigator is very dangerous business.

And you, please don't push him with this Jimmy vestvood dreams. Eh.

She's alvays squashing my dreams, this one.

I tell you. I know.

You know, Leila, I like what you did here.

I just wish you would have shown my hair.

What hair?

I like it.

Yes, I'm just saying, you know, it's in a little bit of a recession, you know, like the economy.

[Persian pop music playing]


[Car horn beeps]

Jimmy vestvood, private investigator, at your service.

[Passerby] No. Thank you very much.

Jimmy vestvood, at your service, private inves--

[man] No. Thank you very much.

Thanks for considering. Thank you.

Jimmy vestvood, private investigator.

Private investigator? So, you help find things?

Yes, sir, I do. How can I be of help?

Can you help me find my quarter?

It's right there.

Oh, you're good. You're good.

Hey Jimmy, can you investigate us a dime bag?

Can you find me an Asian woman?

Yo, dawg, hook me up with a record deal.

[Rapping] ♪ I'm persian like a cat ♪

♪ do you like my hat? That's my brother, Matt. ♪ Investigate that. Jamshid.

What do you think you're doing? Come walk with me.

[Mehdi] Passing out flyers on my time?

This is very selfish. And don't you forget, if it wasn't for me to give you job, you would be back home in Iran in prison.

Why would I be in prison? Pshh.

Do you think they need to have a reason to put you in prison in Iran? Good point.

But it doesn't even make a difference, Mr. mehdi.

These people all just want wishy-washy favors.

They don't even get what a p.I. Does.

And no offense, Mr. mehdi, but I did not come to America to work at a persian supermarket.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. You should be grateful that you have a place to work in this economy.

Ask Rick. He'll tell you.

Dude, I'm white, good-looking, I have a ph.D in economics from Harvard and this is the best job I've had since graduating. Okay, do it again, and this time, use more elbow doctor.

Elbow grease.

"Ph.D." prick. [Mehdi] I heard that.

That's for my little baby, ooh...

Hey, you open it, you buy it.

Homayoun? Dad. Hey.

Jamshid, you remember my son?

Homayoun? The last time I saw you, you were a little boy.

What happened?

Puberty? [All laugh]

That was 20 years ago. Wow.

And now he's getting married to homeira joon.

Hi, nice to meet you. Nice to meet you too.

[Homeira, Jimmy laugh]

You look so happy.

Yeah. She's always happy.

And once they are married, he's gonna take over the business.

Dad. We talked about this.

I don't want to be a butcher.

I mean, I'm a vegetarian.

Don't be a pussy.

No offense to you, homeira joon. I like pussy.

Okay. [Brays]

Son, I promised your mother on her deathbed that you're going to take over this butcher empire.

Homayoun? Mh-hmm?

It's you. Don't break my heart.

Don't break my heart.

Okay, okay, dad. Let's take it easy, okay?

It's okay sir, it's okay. It's gonna be okay, dad.

Mr. mehdi, come back. Come back.

Okay... okay.

Congratulations on the wedding.

Stay happy.

[Braying]

So, how is your mother?

She's good, thanks god. She's good.

Well, I tell you what. If you convince her to go on a date with me, I will let you pass out your flyers.

Mr. mehdi, I'm not gonna pimp out my own mother.

You're not pimping her out. I just want to take her out for a Starbucks.

You scratch my balls, I scratch yours.

I'm pretty sure it's "Back." well, my back is not itching.

Okay, you got a deal. I scratch your balls.

Okay, I will give her my beef.

She's gonna love it.

And, I will throw in my bone.

[Crow cawing]

[Man] Mr. Westwood.

At your service.

I understand you're a private investigator.

Yes, I am. I may have a job for you.

What kind of job? Please, get in.

Mr. Westwood?

Mr. Westwood? Mr. Westwood. Hey.

Ugh! Sorry. Sir.

Get in. Plug the nose. Sorry, sir.

Oh, god. Let me get that for you.

Oh-hh! Sorry, sir.

Oh, wow. A big-screen TV.

This is the American dream.

Mr. Monroe will be with you in a moment.

Can I get you a cocktail while you wait?

Yes. Tea.

Hot tea. Stirred, not shaking.

Shaken, not stirred... [Laughs]

Oh.

Hello, deer. I would not shoot you.

[Yelps]

Hello?

[Man] Mr. Westwood?

[Gasps] [Man] Over here.

Oh, sorry, I was just practicing my investigator techniques. J.P. Monroe.

Nice to meet you.

Don't mind him. That's just some liberal I shot in the head once.

[Laughs] Just kidding.

Oh! [Laughs]

You're just kidding.

No, I did. I shot him.

Just kiddin'. [Laughs]

[Nervous laughing]

No. I did. I shot him.

[Both laugh]

Just kidding.

Oh, you're kidding again.

He died of natural causes. Oh, good.

Right after I shot him in the head.

Not good.

You don't mind if I call you Jimmy, do you?

At your service. You're not a liberal?

I don't even know what that means.

Here, sir. Stirred, not shaken.

Thank you, Mr. Karl. Thank you very much.

Very appreciate your efforts. Sure.

♪ Oh, ho, ho, it's magic ♪

♪ you know ♪

♪ never believe it's not so ♪

♪ it's magic ♪

♪ you know ♪

♪ never believe it's not so. ♪

[Cup clatters] [Screams]

Just stop it. Stop. Stop. [Gasps]

Hello, I'm Marcy.

Marcy Monroe.

I'm Jimmy. Jimmy vestvood.

Like Clint eastvood, but vestvood.

[Squeaks]

The pleasure's all mine, Mr. Westwood.

Oh, no, no, I insist. The pleasure is mine.

No, no, I insist. The pleasure is all mine.

No, you see, I cannot accept that because where I come from, the pleasure between us? It must be all mine.

Well, I'm a modern American woman and this is America, so the pleasure will have to be mine.

Okay, okay, fine. The pleasure is all... mine.

["Star-spangled banner" Ringtone plays]

Oh. Sorry, that's my phone.

Oh, "Blocked number"? Curious who that could be.

Hold on. [Beeps]

Hello?

Maman? Maman, I'm busy.

Yes, maman, I ate my vegetables today.

No, I did not find a vife.

[Whispers] He smells like beef.

Sorry about that. Very important client.

So, vere vas ve?

Honey, why don't you go get your hair done or something?

Mr. Westwood and I have some business to discuss.

Okay.

You like staring at my wife, don't ya, jimbo?

Yes. [Laughs]

Oh, no, I mean, no, sir. No. No.

Oh, it's okay.

Many, many men enjoy staring at my old lady.

Which is part of the reason why I brought you here today, Jim.

The reason I wanna hire you, jimbo, is because I think that my wife is having an affair with an a-rab, if you can imagine.

And what better way to catch an a-rab than with another a-rab-- in the act?

Good point, sir. Very good point, very good point.

But sir, just fyi, I am actually not arab.

I'm actually from Iran.

"Iraqi, irani, kiss my Fanny." What do I know?

You know these people. You know how this guy thinks, where he goes, what he does. Follow them.

Find out if my wife is having an affair.

Karl?

There's $2500 in this envelope, all right? It's yours.

And there's plenty more where this comes from if you think you can get the job done.

Oh, yes, sir, I can get the job done.

Yes, sir. Yes, sir.

[Yelps]

Leila. You escared me. How did you get in here?

Easy. I let myself in by squeezing through the bathroom window after jumping off the fire escape of the adjacent building.

Jimmy. I have to tell you something.

This isn't easy for me to say, but there's no better time than the now.

Ever since we were kids, I've had the craziest crush on you.

There's just something about you.

You're so pure, so innocent.

I mean, look at your face.

You even have deer-like features.

Deers are creatures? No. Deer-like features.

You had a deer for a teacher?

No!

I can't hear a vord you're saying!

What about the deers?

What I'm trying to say is-- wait, Leila, you have to hear this. Come here, come here.

I'm sorry, Leila, I have something to tell you.

Wait, where's maman? She's sleeping.

Anyway, I got my first big case today.

Yeah? What is it?

This big shot American client wants me to follow his wife to see if she's cheating on him.

Ooh.

And she is hot. Super-duper hot.

Just sexy-- congratulations.

Thanks. But not a word to maman, okay?

Because I don't want her to think that I'm ignoring my job at the market.

Sure. I won't tell her anything.

Hey, I have an idea. What if I was your sidekick?

No, that's the worst idea I have ever heard in my life.

I mean, it's just not a good idea.

It's very dangerous. You can't be involved with that.

But I could totally help you. I could drive you in my car, I have a magnifying glass and everything.

Besides, I'm totally bored at my dad's pharmacy.

How many urinary tract infections can I cure?

[Mocking] "I got uti, I got uti. I got uti." just drink the damn cranberry juice.

Okay, calm down.

I'll drink it.

Thanks for the offer, but I have trained for this line of work.

You can't just get into it like it's no big deal.

That's the-- the point is, I don't need a sidekick. Good night.

Good night for now, Jimmy vestvood.

But you're gonna need a sidekick, and you're gonna get one whether you like it or not.

Shh-hh!

[Jimmy] Saturday, 10:11 A.M., Malibu beach.

Very private area.

V-v-v-vip. Top of the line.

I vill gonna go deep undercover.

[Man] Hey, watch it!

Sorry. Excuse me.

Take care. Have a nice day.

You're kicking sand in my eyes.

Agh!

[Coughs] Oh, Jimmy.

Homayoun? Jimmy. Hi.

Uh, Jimmy. This is Freddy. My friend.

Freddy, meet Jimmy.

Nice to meet you, Freddy. Hi. Nice to-- homayoun, what's going on here?

What do you mean? I mean, what's going on with you?

Oh, with me? I'm here on a case.

As a private investigator. I did it.

But don't tell your dad, okay? He would fire me.

And vorse, he would tell my mother.

We wouldn't want that now, uh-hh...

You know what, I won't tell if you won't tell, huh?

Oh-hh, yeah. Don't vorry, homayoun, your secret is safe with me, okay?

You know, in our community, being a private investigator is almost as bad as being gay.

So I know what you're going through.

[Laughing] What?

It must be hard to have a gay lover.

I have no idea what you're talking about.

I'm talking about him, Freddy, your gay lover.

What? This guy. Freddy.

The black guy. Yeah.

You have gay sex with? In the butt?

Okay, okay. We know how it works.

I'm talking about him. Okay.

It's not right, homayoun, that you can't be you.

You know, you should be you, okay?

If you are gay, you should be gay. If you're not gay, then don't be gay. Who am I to judge?

Listen, homayoun, what I'm trying to say is, don't ask, don't tell.

If you see something, say something.

Ask not what your country will gonna do for you, but what your country will gonna do for you.

Homayoun, be gay. You're a gay angel.

You're a "Gayngel." some of the worst people I know are straight.

Agh!

It's time for you to climb out of the cabinet.

You mean come out of the closet?

Climb, if you have to jump, hike, do it, whatever it takes. Think about that.

Yeah, you should put that on the card.

I'm so happy we had this time to talk.

I have to go, guys.

Thank you for the advice. Shh.

Oh my god, I am so sorry.

You know what? It's your turn, huh?

Here we go.

Mr. Westwood?

[Chuckles] Mrs. Monroe?

Mr. Westwood. What a surprise.

Well, I'm surprised to see you too.

Well, this is my friend, malek. He's from Arabia.

Hi, sir, how are you?

Alhamdulillah, alhamdulillah.

Salaam-alaikum. Ah, alaikum assalam.

Schwarma.

Baba ganoush. Pita bread.

So, what is it you're doing here?

Me? Eh, you know, on the weekends I work as a lifeguard.

Oh, you're a lifeguard? Yes. I save the lives.

[Man] Help me. I'm drowning!

Help. Help me.

Shouldn't you help that man? What man?

That man. He's drowning. You just said you're a lifeguard.

Oh, no, you see...

He's not in my tower jurisdiction.

I work in tower number 5 and he is drowning in tower number 6.

You know if I tried to help him, my boss would kill me.

[Lifeguard blows on whistle]

Brett, that guy's been calling you for an hour. Ach!

Looks like Brett has it covered. So where were we?

[Middle eastern rap music playing]

[Malek] I go for exercise.

[Marcy] Mr. Westwood?

Mr. Westwood? Jimmy?

Hi. Hi.

Would you be a doll and rub this lotion all over my back?

Sure, I can be a doll. They call me "Jimmy doll."

I bet they do. On the veekends.

[Both laughing] Right there.

Oh. Oh, Mr. Westwood. What?

Oh, that feels really good. Oh, yeah?

Oh, Mr. Westwood, that feels so good, don't you stop.

Don't you stop, that's the spot right there.

Oh, Mr. Westwood, that feels so good.

[Moans]

Mrs. Monroe, we're in public.

Oh, Mr. Westwood, I just can't stop thinking of you.

Oh, what is it about you middle eastern men that's so...

Irresistible?

What? But you're married, and you have a boyfriend.

I know. Oh-hh!

I know, but you're so dark and exotic and... hairy.

Oh, yes, I'm very hairy. Very hairy.

Oh, yes, very, very hairy. Very hairy.

But if j.P. Ever found out about us, he'd kill us both.

Oh, don't kill me. [Leila] Jimmy.

Leila?

What are you doing here?

Oh, I'm just jogging at the beach.

And you, Jimmy? What are you doing here?

You know, I'm just doing the usual, you know, guarding lives at tower number five.

Ah. I have good exercise. [Coughs]

Good exercise. Congratulations.

I feel invigorated.

Okay, well, I should probably get back to--

Leila. You should get back to jogging.

Oh. Yeah.

I'm gonna get back to my jog. Bye, everyone.

Okay, bye.

This will grow your hair and you will look like esteve McQueen.

[Shannity] Sir, do you have a nuclear program?

I don't know. Do you have a nuclear program?

Are you asking if America has a nuclear program?

No. I am asking if you have a nuclear program.

Do I have a nuclear program?

Do you nuclear program?

How would I have a nuclear program?

How would you have a nuclear program?

Are you sure this is gonna vork?

Of course. This is one of the old persian recipe.

It fix everything. Where is my mayonnaise?

Are you repeating everything I say?

Am I repeating everything you say?

You can't just repeat everything I say.

I cannot repeat everything you say.

Espeaking of mayonnaise, have you thought about going on a date with mehdi?

Are you trying to set me up? This is America.

We have to americanize now and be open-minded.

Besides, you are a vidow, he is a vidower, it's a great match. Just think about it.

Okay, baba. I think about it.

Why don't you think about going out on date with Leila?

Maman, that is disgusting. Ach. She's my cousin.

She is not your real cousin, dummy.

Her grandmother is fourth cousin of your grandfather's uncle.

So, that makes her my -- seventh cousin.

Think about it. [Shannity] I'm an idiot.

Are you an idiot? Okay, this interview's over.

Is this interview over? Cut his mic.

Are you cutting my mic? You guys cut his mic.

It's my show. Are they cutting my mic?


[Doorbell rings] [Helmet clatters]

Oh my gosh, it vorked.

Good hair. Good hair.

Can I help you? Oh, yes.

Er... Buenos nachos.

Oh, Jimmy vestvood, private investigator for Mr. Monroe-- [Screams]

La inmigración! La inmigración!

No, no immigra-cion, investiga-cion.

Investiga-cion. Inmigración!

She's fast.

Okay, Jimmy, what do you got for me?

I am afraid I have some bad news and some badder news.

The bad news is that you were right.

Your wife is cheating on you.

I knew it. I knew it.

But it gets worse, much worse.

What? What else? What?

The badder news, sir, is that he's hung like a horse.

Hung like a horse? Yeah.

Your wife is never gonna come back to you.

[Screams]

Mr. Monroe, are you okay? Yeah. Jimmy, can I trust you?

What? Yes. Of course. I didn't do anything with your wife.

I am very trustworthy. They call me "Jimmy trustworthy." and that's why people love you, Jimmy.

Aside from you having a nose for this stuff.

It's because you're honest and you've been honest with me so I'm gonna be honest with you.

Am I all right, am I okay? No, I am not okay I mean, this woman has broken my heart and I wanna destroy her.

And I need your help to do that.

Destroy her? How?

I want you to shoot her. Shoot her?

No, no, no, no. With a camera.

I want you to shoot her with a camera.

Oh. Divorce proceedings, and I'm gonna need a lot of photos.

And I want you to take those pictures.

Will you take those pictures for me, Jimmy?

Yes, sir. Jimmy vestvood, at your service.

Great. Yeah. Just shoot away.

Karl, could you bring that photo equipment that we got for Mr. Westwood in here?

Have it right here, sir. Eh...

This is the dslr camera and in this bag are the lenses.

We have a 35-millimeter and a 300-millimeter for distant shots. It's got flash?

Yes.

And this is your undercover suit.

Undercover suit?

Sir? That's great. I've always wanted an undercover suit, sir.

How did I know? Why don't you go try it on?

See if we can't see you? Thank you, sir.

This is great. Can I just-- yeah. Please be careful, these are my personal stuff.

I'm gonna be very careful. This is exciting.

Really, thank you so much -- [Glass breaks]

I'm sorry. Really, exciting.

Undercover suit!

What a banana. Sir. Great news.

Senator hunter is confirmed and on board.

He thanks you for your generous "Campaign contribution." we've got two-thirds majority.

Well, it's going a lot easier than I ever thought it would.

You know this guy, you know how some people turn out to be as dumb as they look? [Both laugh]

All we got to do now is come up with some snappy nickname for this war, you know, to sell it to the American people.

Sure. They go for it every time.

How about, "Operation: Freedom"?

How 'bout it? It's been used. Think of something with an animal in it. You know, Americans hate each other but they love animals?

Yeah. How about "Operation puppy freedom"?

That's too soft. That's not war, that's not hard.

"Operation desert rape"?

Nah, that's too hard. Besides, you forgot the animal.

"Operation puppy rape." get away from me. You're giving me the creeps.

Yes, sir. What's this rape stuff?...

Oh-ho!

"Operation eagle freedom." perfect.

Ow! I don't look too fat?

[Bike horn beeping]

Mr. mehdi, Mr. mehdi.

Jamshid. Why you are wearing black? Did somebody die?

Uh... yes. Who?

Ali Hassan Hossein Mohammad rezaie.

Ali Hassan Hossein Mohammad rezaie died?

It's okay, Mr. mehdi.

That son of a bitch owes me $55!

Oh, gosh. Well, it's good Karma.

I don't need Karma. I need my $55.

It will come back to you.

I feel like I'm gonna drop dead myself.

You know, this wedding is killing me.

They're asking $4,000 for an audio-visual screen. Can you believe that?

$4,000. Wow.

Well, anyway, what do you want?

Eh, Mr. mehdi, I was just going to see if I could have the day off tomorrow.

I have to take some very important pictures.

Pictures, my ass.

Is it this private investigator crap?

Yes, it is-- I mean, no-- I don't care what it is.

You do what I tell you to do, understand?

Wow. Well, Mr. mehdi, if that's the case, I guess then I just have to...

Yeah, what? I guess then I-- yeah, what? I quit.

You what?

I quit.

[Snickers]

[Laughs]

You cannot quit.

Why not? Because I fire you.

[On p.A. System] Attention, attention, everybody.

Attention, everybody. Jamshid fakhredinpour, he is fired.

Fired. Fired.

Hey, Rick? Yeah?

Do I have to pay unemployment insurance if I fire someone? Yes, 6% of taxable wages as mandated by the federal unemployment tax act.

Now, there's a stipulation that says the employer-- okay, okay, shut up, Harvard, got it.

You know what? You quit. I did not fire you.

[On p.A. System] Attention, attention, attention, everybody, I want you to listen. I did not fire jamshid fakhredinpour, he just quit on me.

Now, your badge and your jacket.

Oh, sure, yes, of course. Here is the badge.

Thank you. And...

The jacket. Thank you. Oh, one second.

Please, accept my tongue as a token of respect for you and your mother.

Oh, no, sir. I can't. I can't.

Please, I insist. Oh no, I insist.

I cannot. Please, I insist.

I want your mother have my tongue.

No. I'm insisting. I insist.

No, I'm insisting. I said I insist.

Sir, I insist-- oops.

Five-second rule. Good as new.

♪ No more timing ♪

♪ each tear that falls from my eyes ♪

♪ I'm not hiding ♪

♪ the remedy that cures this old heart of mine... ♪ Mmm, delicious.

Whose tongue is it?

Mr. mehdi.

No, dummy. What animal?

Oh. Cow. Very big cow.

Remember tomorrow, say thank you to Mr. mehdi at work.

I thought you quit?

Quit? Quit what?

Eating tongue. I am going gluten free.

Ah, what a waste.

I'm going to bring that delicious desert that Leila brought.

[Whispering] I don't maman to know I quit.

She's gonna have a heart attack.

So, what made you quit?

My American case. I have a big day tomorrow.

Ooh. Let me be your sidekick this time.

Otherwise, I'll tell maman you quit.

You traitor. I told you, you can't be my sidekick.

It's too dangerous.

[Maman] Thank you very much, Leila joon for this sholeh zard.

You know, saffron and cinnamon make the man stronger.

And this rice pudding? Makes the woman fertilizing.

What is your point?

My point is that you two should fuck.


Hi. I'm sorry I'm sorry. Ow.

You're gonna be in a lot of trouble.

Agh!

[All screaming]

[Malek] You will be my sand dune.

[Marcy] Ooh.

And I will be your bedouin.

Rr-rar-rr.

[Malek] Can I hide inside you? [Malek, Marcy laugh]

[Camera shutter clicks]

[Marcy] There's so much room in there for you to hide.

Oh, baby. Oh, oh!

[Giggling]

[Jimmy] Oh, oh, not the ear, not the ear, not the ear.

I go for take a leak. Okay, baby.

I will miss you. [Both laugh]

[Slaps] Ooh.

[Marcy giggles]

["Star-spangled banner" Ringtone plays]

Ah-hh! Jimmy Westwood?

Mrs. Monroe?

Mrs. Monroe. So good to see you.

What are the chances? What are you doing here?

Me? Um... I was just, you know, exercising.

Yes, it's a new workout. This is called "The photo abs." you just-- look...

Oh, that's good abs. That's good ab work, Mr. Westwood.

Yeah, it's getting hard.

Ooh, tell me more about things getting hard.

You're emitting that exotic desert smell.

Oh, I smell like the desert? Oh, yeah...

Oh, that's good. Dirty, Sandy, desert.

Oh, good. [Leila] Jimmy?

Leila! Jimmy?

What are you doing here?

Jogging. You jog a lot.

Yeah, well I'm training for the...

Breast cancer awareness month.

There's a race for breasts?

What are you doing here?

I was just getting some exercises, so that I could save lives at the beach, okay?

So I'm gonna get back to exercising and you should get back to jogging.

Okay. Go.

I will. Go.

I'm watching...

[Marcy] She's very intense.

Oh--!

She's special, right?

I'm okay. No, you're not.

[Animal roaring] [Tv narrator] The female tiger knows the male is ready to mate because of its scent, not to mention its throbbing, massive tiger erection.

Jamshid fakhredinpour. What?

Mehdi told me that you quit your job to go out and take some pictures?

Um... well, uh... Yes, I quit.

There. I said it.

Why would I work for that butcher when I can make $5,000 a veek vorking as a p.I.?

Enough with this p.I. Business.

You're gonna hurt yourself-- did you say $5,000?

Yes. In one veek?

Yes.

Then why didn't you quit your job earlier, dummy?

What's this? Just a little something I bought with this veek's p.I. Money.

You blow all your money to buy a TV?

Are you out of your crazy mind? But maman, this is not an ordinary TV. This is a top of the line, 103-inch hd TV with 3-d visualization. Jamshid, you are very irresponsible.

You are not using your brain.

You stupid, stupid, stupid-- did you say 3D?

Vow. It's so real.

I feel I can touch the tiger.

[Tiger roars] Ah!

[Both laugh]

I love your new job.

Finally, I can get my eye surgery.

Face-lifting. Go to Hawaii. Liposuction.

Buy a big chandelier for here.

[J.P. Monroe] I don't know, you could tell him something catchy, like "Blow me." think that'll do it? [Laughs]

No, that's what she said, she said she had a sister.

What do I know? Mr. Monroe.

I have your pictures. Sure. Get back to me.

Sir, sir, I have the pictures. The ones you asked for.

Pictures?

Yep. That's all. That's all?

Yeah. Got the pictures. Case closed.

Okey-dokey. Uh, sir, I just want to let you know I quit my job for this case so I have a lot of free time on my hands, so in case you need me for anything, just let me know.

No, no, nope, nope, no, thanks.

Thank you, sir. Okay. Goodbye.

Thank you.

I can get your laundry. I can repaint the house.

I can do interior designing. I can work on your posture.

Whatever you're in the mood for, you just let me know.

I'm there for you. No thanks.

Just giving you options. No, thank you.

Okay, thank you. Okay. Bye.

I noticed the limousine is getting a little dirty.

Jimmy, get the hell outta my house!

Okay.

[Scanner beeps]

Jimmy? Mr. mehdi?

What are you doing here?

I own the place? Oh, yeah, that's right.

You know, in case you're wondering what I am doing here?

I just happened to be in the neighborhood and I thought.

"Maybe I should stop by and say hi to Mr. mehdi and bring him a gift." ah, a gift, for homayoun's wedding.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. A gift for you-- of apology.

For me?

Hmm. Thank you.

Dates? Zeki. I have six cartons of this.

Mr. mehdi, you have six cartons of everything.

What do you get a man who has six cartons of everything?

Let me think... What?

Oh yeah, I know. What?

A top of the line security guard.

V-v-v-vip.

Ah... I knew you would come crawling back.

You want your old job back, don't you?

Well, if you insist, okay. Wish I could do, Jimmy, but since you quit, I had to hire someone else.

Really? Who? Rick.

On top of security, he is redoing all the electrical wiring for the entire store. Rick, how's it coming?

Think I found the problem, Mr. mehdi.

Ah, that guy is good.

Hey, look...

I know times are hard. But hang in there, jamshid.

Hang in there. I vill gonna, Mr. mehdi.

[Buzzing] [Rick screams]

Ugh!

I'm never gonna be an American hero like esteve McQueen.

I don't even have good hair.

I'm a loser.

Loser. Loser. Loser. [Sobs]

[Blows nose]

Goodbye hair. [Front door opens]

Hey, you want some cookie-- don't do it!

Do what? Kill yourself.

Kill myself? You have blood on your face.

Blood?

Bah. That's the ink from your stupid flyers.

Get off me. Is everything okay?

No, everything is not okay. Mr. Monroe let me go.

Some white guy from Harvard took my job at the market.

And maman vants breast implants, an SUV, and season tickets to the Lakers.

What happened?

She got a taste of the American dream, and now she's a monster. No. What happened at work?

I solved the case. I gave him the pictures.

And now I have nothing to do but vatch this estupid DVD that comes with the television.

I can't even afford basic cable.

Wow. It's so clear. [Jimmy whimpers]

You know what you need? A dose of culture.

We're going to whole foods?

[Museum docent] We now come to Diego Velazquez' masterpiece.

"Christ crucified," Where Jesus' nudity is portrayed with delicious erotic overtones.

Notice the armpits.

Velasquez chooses to remove all of the hair, creating a purity of artistic line.

Remember this is 2000 years before the invention of the razor.

We've placed the portrait in the middle of the hall so that you may the glory of Jesus from the front, and also behind.

[Jimmy] Ha! [Leila] Ah!

[Docent] Okay...

Now, we turn to the Cyrus cylinder.

Named after Cyrus the great, the Cyrus cylinder is one of the most famous surviving icons from the ancient world. The cylinder has been described as one of the first charters of human rights.

He was persian. Unfortunately.

I'll give you a few moments now to take in all of its splendor.

Enjoy.

Actually, the Americans stole the idea for the bill of rights from this guy. One of the founding fathers, George Jefferson, was inspired by him. It's true.

I read it on viki-pedia. Enjoy the splendor.

Leila, take some pictures.

Oh, yeah.

[Camera beeps] I ran out of space.

I just-- I have to delete some photos.

Ah. Sorry.

Excuse me, excuse me. Are you insane?

There's no photos here. You're not allowed to take photos.

Why? Why?

Because that has a flash, and that's stone.

You can't flash stone. Are you insane?

God.

[Leila] Ooh. [Jimmy] Take a Xanax.

No flash stone. Flash stone, this guy.

Eh, it's homayoun. Homayoun.

Oh, Jimmy.

Jimmy, uh, you remember homeira?

Oh, yes, hi.

[Homeira] Nice to see you. This is my cousin, Leila.

You never told me you have a cousin.

Leila, I love that color on you.

You should come to the wedding.

Okay.

Oh, no, you don't have to invite her.

She's my sixth cousin. Seventh.

Shh, be quiet. You're coming to the wedding.

You're still getting married? Excuse me?

He's so funny. He's being funny.

Jimmy, can I talk to you for a second?

Sure.

I like your dress. Thank you.

I just threw something on.

Hey, what are you doing? You haven't told her yet?

No. No, I can't. Why not?

Why not? My dad is spending a fortune on this wedding.

You've seen him with a knife. He'll kill me.

You can marry Freddy. All you have to do is move to Massachusetts. I don't want to move to Massachusetts. Come on, come on, you move to Massachusetts. You move to Massachusetts.

No, you have to move to Massachusetts.

No, you have to. No, you move to Massachusetts.

You move to Massachusetts. No, you--

[gasping] Thanks god.

He estarted it.

["Star-spangled banner" Ringtone plays]

Jimmy...?

Hello? Mr. Monroe. How are you?

Jimmy? Well, tomorrow, I have a vedding to go to, but for you, I move things around. Oof!

Jimmy vestvood, at your service.

Leila. Yeah?

That was Mr. Monroe. I'm rehired. Fantastic!

[Gasps]

[Crashing]

No-oo! No-oo!

No-oo! No-oo!

No.

No-oo-oo!

Yeah-hh!

[Rips] [Smashes]

Ow!

I'm gonna get crucified for this.

He's coming. Jimmy?

Yes. Nice to see you.

Have a seat. Uh, yes, uh, thank you.

Yes, hello, Mr. Monroe. Hello, Mrs. Monroe.

Hello, Mr. Westwood. Good to see you.

[Faint spurt]

Okay, you comfortable? I'm good, sir.

How are you today? God, it's great to see you.

I gotta thank you for saving my marriage.

Me? You.

How? I had to tell Marcy that I hired you to follow her, to take those photos, right?

Sorry about that, Mrs. Monroe. it's all right.

You were just doing your job. Igg-zactly.

And I realized that Marcy was merely starved for some attention. Right, honey?

I mean, what kind of husband had I been?

Not once had I ever asked her whether she wanted to go to the ocean or to grauman's Chinese, or universal studios for that matter.

The important things. I love you, schnookums.

I love you, too, sweetie. Aw.

So, thanks to you, Marcy and I have mended ways. Okay, get to the point.

What point?

The point is now this arab guy is blackmailing me for a cool one million dollars.

Wow. He wants one million for flinging vith your vife?

Yeah. He says that if he doesn't get this money by 6:00 this afternoon, then he's gonna go public with this affair and try to bring me down.

Ah. This guy. Yeah.

Arabs. Yeah. I need you, Jimmy.

I need you to deliver this money to him.

Sir, I vould love to, but that vedding I vas telling you about is right around the same time. It's gonna be cutting it very close, so...

Oh, I just thought to throw in an extra $5,000 dollars...

For your trouble. The guy is gay anyvay.

Never gonna vork out. Jimmy vestvood, at your service. Thanks, Jimmy.

I knew I could count on you. Jeez, I got an appointment.

Okay, Marcy, can you do me a favor and show Jimmy out?

This way, Mr. Westwood. At your service.

Jimmy? Yes, sir.

Jimmy. You forgot the briefcase.

Oh, yes, sorry, sir, got a lot on my mind.

Sorry about that, sir.

Just making sure it's all there, sir.

Always wanna be thorough, sir. You want to make sure...

Let's see. 45, 55...

75, one million. Okay.

Thank you, sir.

Pico, sawtelle, 6;00 P.M. warehouse.

Pico and sawtelle, 6;00 P.M.

It's all right there sir. Machine. I'm a machine.

Locked machine. Key is out. Goodbye.

I'm gonna be there. 6:00-- where was it again?

Oh, Jimmy. Whoa-aa!

How I've missed you.

Ooh, that musky breath. Oh, you're so swarmy, you're so smarmy, you're so stinky, you're so sexy.

Oh, miss Monroe, your husband is gonna kill us.

Shh-hh.

[Moans, giggles]

Oh, oh, not the ears. Not the ears.

Ah-hh! That's definitely not the ears.

Miss Monroe. [Gasps]

This is not right. You are a married woman.

Oh, you're right.

I don't know what I was thinking.

You should just go. Shh-hh. Just go.

Okay. Thanks, Jimmy.

You're my hero.

[Gasps]

I love you.


[Cat screeches]

Hello?

[Echoes] Hello...? Hello...? Hello...?

[Echoes] Hello...? Hello...? Hello...?

Ricola. [Echoes] Ricola... ricola.

Hello? [Echoes] Hello...? Hello...?

[Chains rattling]

Mr. malek? Hey, you got the money?

I can't hear you. Hold on. One second.

Let me take this off.

What about the bunny? You got the money? The money.

Oh, yeah, I have it right here. Calm down. It's right here.

You drive a hard bargain.

One million dollars. Open it.

Ha, ha, ha...

Wait a minute. This is the wrong briefcase.

There's an alarm clock in here, with a wire attached to something that says "C4"...

Which is attached to a button that says.

"Push here to detonate"?

Wonder what would happen if I pushed it right now?

[With American accent] Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Easy buddy, that's a bomb. Hands up.

What happened to your accent? Oh, I'm not arab.

You're not? Nope. Italian-American.

LAPD, undercover. Hands up. Hands up.

You've been pretending all along?

Uh, that's what "Undercover" Means, moron.

Wait, wait, wait, wait. So, you're not.

Mrs. Marcy Monroe's lover?

No.

And you're not blackmailing j.P. Monroe?

Nope.

And you're not hung like a horse?

Oh, no, that's all real. God bless.

God bless. God bless.

Now, I need you to pose next to the briefcase.

I need to get some pictures of you in front of it.

Oh, I see what's going on here.

What? You're just jealous of me because Mrs. Monroe has feelings for me, so-- no, you idiot. I'm arresting you

'cause you're a terrorist. Now, pose for the picture.

Okay. Don't shoot. Calm down. Okay.

No smiling. No, no, no. No smiling.

Oh, sorry. Okay, here.

Peace signs. Seriously? Uh, okay.

What are you doing? You told me to pose.

It's a bomb! What, are you gonna have sex with it?!

Okay, sorry. Here we go, here we go.

[Phone beeps, clicks]

Oh, no, we gotta do that again.

Your eyes were closed. I know, I'm sorry.

When I get nervous, I blink a lot.

This is all very confusing. What's going on here?

[Monroe] What is it, jimbo? Mr. Monroe?

Jimbo, you don't understand what's going on?

I'd be happy to explain it to you since I thought it up and I don't happen to think that it's a bad plan myself in particular.

We are going to war with Iran and we couldn't have done it without you and your incompetence.

[Laughs] Thank you.

It's not a compliment. Oh, then, no thank you.

It's still not a compliment. Okay then, back to you.

Tie him up, Anthony.

[Anthony] I'll give you the honors.

The pleasure is all mine.

Hi, Mr. Karl, good to see you-- ow. Take it easy.

Oh, that's an expensive helmet, sir.

Shut up. Calm down. Take it easy. Okay.

Here, let me help you. Here, let me get my hand in there.

Okay. Go.

Mrs. Monroe, what's going on here? Please help me.

So you still don't get it, Jimmy?

Okay, show him the monitor, honey.

Maybe a picture is worth a thousand words.

Breaking news. This I-ranian man, jamshit faa-akhedherinthepool...

Fakhredinpour. Fakhredinpour. How hard is it?

...is suspected of plotting a series of devastating terror attacks on America.

He was caught on surveillance camera training for his mission. Watch this part, will ya?

This is where the nail goes right into your coffin.

[Middle eastern music playing]

A 10-million-dollar reward is being offered to anyone with information that could lead to his arrest.

10 million dollars? Vow, that's pretty good.

Meanwhile, congress is ratifying a declaration of war against Iran even as we speak.

Iran has indicated that should the U.S. launch a preemptive strike against the islamic Republic, they will initiate a pre-preemptive attack against the zionist state, who, in turn, has vowed to launch a pre-pre- preemptive attack on Iran's closest Ally, Syria. It's "Vorld var tree." exactamundo!

And my business, my business is gonna be thriving, thanks to you, my man. What business?

My business, my business of manufacturing predator drones, all over the place.

Everywhere around here, see? Predator drones.

And I've manufactured a drone that could remotely control another drone so we don't need a human being to work it.

You are taking good jobs avay from innocent Americans?

That's evil.

[Monroe] Evil? It's genius.

I knew that I had to convince the American people to go to war if I wanted to sell my product.

Yeah, baby. That's the American way, you see? And I knew that I had to make you out to be the world's worst terrorist. And now I have everything I need to justify this war. Are we clear?

Not exactly. That was a lot of exposition.

Can you give it to me in bullet points?

No. Okay, how about cliff notes?

No. Viki-pedia?

Ow! Take it easy.

Mr. Monroe, I'm not sure what you're saying, but one thing I do know is that the American people are not so estupid that they vould go to a var just because of the actions of one terrorist.

[Everybody laughs]

Funny guy. I'm here all week.

Tip your waitress.

[Loud beep] Oops. Ran out of space.

Leila, what are you doing here?

I told you this stuff is dangerous!

Who the hell is she? My sixth cousin.

Seventh. What's she doing here?

She's recording us. Well, then get her.

Yeah, yeah. Get her.

Run, Leila. Run.

Guys?

What about me?

Don't leave me here alone with the pigeons.

I don't like pigeons. [Pigeons cooing]

[Wings fluttering]

Nice to meet you, Jimmy vestvood, at your service.

Nice to... nice-- nice to meet you?

Jimmy vestvood at your service, nice to meet you.

Jimmy vestvood, at your service.

Jimmy... vestvood... At your service.

Jimmy vestvood...

Jimmy vestvood, at your service. Ha!

[Tires screeching] Jimmy! Get in!

Leila! Go, go, go, go, go, go, go...

[Tires screeching]

[Tires screeching]

Holy crap. They're following us.

♪ Oh, ho, ho, it's magic ♪

♪ you know ♪

♪ never believe it's not so ♪

♪ it's magic ♪

♪ you know ♪

♪ never believe it's not so ♪

♪ I love my sunny-- ♪ ow!

Take it easy. No time to take it easy.

Oh, parvaneh joon, you look super-tacular tonight.

Okay, take it easy, mehdi. I am worried about jamshid.

Have you seen him? Just relax.

Try my kabob. You're gonna love it.

Oh-hh. Okay, okay, you can try my kabob later. Let me show you around.

[Music playing]

[Tires screeching]

Make up your mind which way you want to go.

You want to get away or what? I wanna live.

Give me your phone.

Agh!

My face is all over the news.

I'm "America's most wanted terrorist." they're gonna send me to Guantanamo and waterboard me and make me listen to heavy metal music.

I don't like metallica. Stop that.

Ow! What did you do that for? I can't stand self-pity.

This is a free country. I have the right to bear arms and self-pity myself. So you're just gonna let those war hawks start world war III?

Well, I mean, you know, what are my options?

I don't really have a lot-- no!

Then what? I don't know, I'm just your sidekick.

[Snaps fingers] I got it!

Great. What is it? Uh, I forget.

Oh! I remember. [Snaps fingers]

To homayoun's wedding. Estep on it.

[Tires screeching]

[Chuckles]

[Brays]

We met at this Halloween costume party.

We were both dressed as Cher. It was so funny.

I think this year, we're gonna do "Thelma and Louise."

I'm fighting for Thelma, so we'll see.

[Homeira brays]

Kox news? This is Jimmy vestvood, the wanted terrorist everyone is looking for.

Please tell Mr. Hank shannity that I want to Grant him the exclusive interview of my confessional.

Yes, tell him to meet me in 15 minutes at homayoun's vedding.

You don't know homayoun? Here's the address.

Give me the address.

Check it, I'm mc I-ran, okay?

When I say "I," Y'all say "Ran."

I... [Crowd] Ran!

I... Ran!

Check it, check it-- [Music plays]

[To dj] Dude, I am rapping.

[Guests] Jimmy baba, slow down. Yeah, man, go with the flow.

I don't have time for the flow.

Jimmy. Where have you been? Me and mom were worried about you.

You missed the ceremony. Come, come, let's dance.

Leila, do the thing, do the thing.

Mr. mehdi. Okay, okay, okay, sir.

Where is he? There he is.

Put that away. Not here.

Where is he? How the hell do you tell them apart?

[Man] Oh-oh-oh.

I wanna eat you like a peach.

It's talking to me. You are talkin' to my wife.

I'm sorry.

Come on, wait, wait, wait. What?

Let's dance. [Anthony] We'd rather not.

Amir. Hamid. Shahin. Look, Americans.

Let's show them. We're gonna show you.

I don't dance. What's your name?

My name is j.P., but-- excellent.

J.C., let's do this. [Music continues]

[Mehdi speaking persian] Aha. Bia. Bia.

Bia. Bia.

We need that video, Jimmy. Where's your cousin?

Hello, Mr. Karl.

Take it easy.

Oh, oh, oh, oh!

You're not goin' anywhere, Jimmy.

Hey, Jimmy, why don't you give someone else a chance?

Get out of the circle. Yeah, man.

There's no "I" In circle. I can't. I'm stuck.

[Grunting]

Jimmy vestvood is a terrorist?

Jimmy vestvood is a terrorist!

[Needle skids] It's true.

It's on kox news so it has to be real.

Jimmy vestvood is a terrorist.

No-oo! No, come on.

And there's a $10 million reward for his capture. So? Get him!

That's ten million bucks. Ah-hh! My heart!

Parvaneh, parvaneh! You okay?

My god, there's a whole horde of 'em.

Wait a minute, that's not him.

I think you need mouth-to-mouth recuperation.

I don't need mouth-to-mouth. Yes, you do.

Four, three...

This is Hank shannity reporting live from the epicenter of a jihadist convention.

Guys, guys, calm down. What the heck...?

Calm down. I can explain everything.

Zoom in. Zoom in.

I have something to confess...

My name is jamshid fakhredinpour.

"Fuckedherinthepool."

I came to this country to be an American hero.

Along the vay, I thought I had to change who I vas but thanks to the help of my sixth cousin-- seventh cousin.

I learned that you have to embrace who you are.

And you don't have to be American to be an American hero.

So, I estand in front of you today to tell you that I am a terrorist.

I'm gonna get an Emmy for this.

If you believe this guy. [Beeps]

What's the one thing I'm better at than homayoun?

[Brays] Oh, I can vogue better than him.

Vogue... Vogue. Vogue. Vogue. Vogue.

Vogue. Vogue. Vogue.

I love Madonna.

That was the wrong video. You heard him.

He's a terrorist.

Congress is going to vote on a resolution to attack Iran.

It's all Jimmy's fault. Get him!

Oh-hh! [Yelps]

[Homayoun on video] Lifetime of laughter...

[Homeira brays]

Everybody, we're live on kox news.

It's Hank shannity. Hank, over here.

Guys?

Guys!

Do another one. I was blinking.

Guys, remember me? The wanted terrorist?

Guys, guys, over here. Yeah, yeah, guys, guys.

What I meant to say is that I am a terrorist...

If you believe this guy. [Beeps]

[Monroe] I knew that I had to convince the American people...

Oh, crap.

[Monroe] ...If I wanted to sell my product!

That's the American way, you see?

And I knew that I had to make you out to be the world's worst terrorist... Shannity, shut that off.

That's the guy that set up Jimmy!

[Monroe] Shut it off. Go to black. Go to black.

[Monroe] Shut that thing off!

[Tone beeps]

Uh... oh, uh, looks like we're experiencing some technical difficulties here.

Let's get to some other news...

Meet koko, a parrot who can sing the star spangled banner while she hops on one leg.

Get them, get them!

No, guys, take it easy. We're peaceful people.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. This is my son's wedding.

Let us not allow a terrorist conspiracy that almost led to world war III, stop us from celebrating.

Uh, dad? Yes, son?

Um, I also have something to confess.

You're a terrorist, too? Oh, no.

I'm gay. Ha, ha. Yes!

[Homeira] No. No. Wedding over. Wedding over.

[Monroe] You know what a mistake you're making?

You know who I am? [Karl] It pinches.

Congress voted no to war with Iran.

[Cheering]

Jamshid fakhredinpour.

I am proud of you.

Oh, thank you, maman. Thank you.

Maman, maman. Now that you are feeling better, please, for god's sake, try my kebab.

Oh-hh...! Mmm.

Delicious.

Ugh!

She likes it. [Shudders]

Jimmy, you did it. You're an American hero.

Oh Leila, don't be so melodramatic.

I couldn't have done it without you.

You're the American hero. No, I insist.

You're the American hero.

Leila, don't make me insist. You're the American hero.

Leila, oh, no, not the ears, not the ears.

Oh, yes, the ears. Leila, that's good earwork, yes.

[Guests chanting] Jimmy... Jimmy... Jimmy!

♪ When there's no destination that's too far ♪

♪ somewhere along the way, you might find out who you are ♪

♪ whoo! ♪ ♪ living in America ♪

♪ eye to eye ♪

♪ station to station ♪

♪ living in America ♪

♪ hand to hand ♪

♪ across the nation ♪

♪ living in America... ♪ Diplomacy may have won today, but if I were America, I vould vatch my back.

Oh, and I want to add the list of black people who I like--

Oprah vinfrey. I love her book clubs.

♪ Many miles of railroad track ♪

♪ all night radio... ♪ To the east, hurricane Abdullah is going to be threatening the Manhattan skyline, so all you intellectuals might wanna get out your prayer mats and hug a cab driver.

[Man] Shannity! What? Well, I didn't name it.

♪ You might have to walk the fine line ♪

♪ you might take the hard line ♪

♪ but everybody's workin'... ♪

♪ Overtime ♪

♪ living in America ♪

♪ eye to eye ♪

♪ station to station ♪

♪ living in America ♪

♪ hand to hand... ♪

[Grunts, screams] Yah-hh!

She was just polishin' the furniture.

♪ Got to have a celebration ♪

♪ I live in America... ♪ One thing people don't know about homeira?

Oh, she loves to recite Shakespeare.

Beautifully.

"Two households, both alike in dignity, in fair verona, where we lay our scene, from ancient grudge to break to new mutiny, where civil blood makes civil hands unclean."

[brays]

♪ I feel good! ♪

[Music playing]


[Singing in persian]


[Soloists singing in persian]


[Instrumental music playing]


[Vocalist singing in persian]


With the reward money I got for turning in the terrorist-- who ended up not being a terrorist so they had to discount the money, thank you very much--

I was able to refurbish the Cyrus cylinder and fix the hole in Jesus Christ.

[Crowd] We love you, Jimmy. I love you, too.

[Crashes] Crap.

Ah...! [Director] Cut.