Grand Canyon ain't nothin'.
Being a grandfather, or a father, now that's harder than being the Grand Canyon.
It's just a hole, sitting there, doing nothing.
Okay, but are you even okay without havin' a Grand Canyon?
Or should we just kick some sand up all over it, and fill it up like a cat box?
All I'm sayin' is the Grand Canyon is where Joe was left that very day.
Yo, Ebony, Ivory? You talkin' about Joe Dirt?
Yeah. I know a little something about Joe Dirt.
Stopped into an old radio station I worked a few years back.
Stayed for, it must have been a week.
Wove some bat-shit crazy tale.
So bat-shit, he should have hung upside down from the ceiling when he was telling it.
I remember a big kid, bigger heart.
Sure, you know, I'm not saying the IQ wasn't subterranean.
I mean, that intellect was barely skimming the treetops.
Now, I ain't saying that I ain't in "agree-ence" with you.
But somewhere in there, the speechifying you making, it just ain't sounded right.
Hey, John C-minus Reilly.
It's not "agree-ence", it's "agreematude".
And by the way, what's with the mouth for God's sakes?
The teeth look like a half-completed Lego project.
What are you gargling with, M-80s?
Are those deciduous teeth? I'm waiting for them to change color, fall out and float down to the Grand. Who's your orthodontist, Moe Howard with a ball-peen hammer?
I mean, for God's sakes, man. It looks like Willie Stargell took a bat to your mouth.
Now listen, JD has got himself in another bind here.
But, why not let the boy tell ya his own tale, in his own way?
Let's drop that needle, guys.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait a second.
That's a sweet song, I get the thematics, but this is Joe Dirt.
We're gonna start this puppy off, we gotta go old school. Try it again, guys.
I'm Dirt. I'm Joe Dirt.
Those look like pretty comfortable shoes you got on there.
My boots don't feel so good, but they're, like, magical or something.
Look, cracker, don't you be talking no Forrest Gump crap to me, you little bitch waffle.
Sittin' there talkin' all that honky-ass whiney crap like, "Mama said life is like a box of chocolates."
Boy, sittin' next to you for even ten seconds makes me feel like I should take a shower in a bath full of Clorox.
If I said "hi" to you, you're not going to call me, like, a dumb crap Forrest Gump or something, will you?
Well, let's play it by ear.
Are you waiting on the seven cross-town bus?
No, I'm just waitin' for the concert to be over, over there. I tidy up after.
Tidy up? Dirty, yeah. I'm sort of, you know, a roadie.
You travel with the bands, and you pack up their equipment after concerts and their amplifiers and stuff? Yeah, exactly. But, no, not per Se.
I don't travel with them. Mostly I mop up after they're done.
Like, I clean up the poop and the barf and things. And your occasional fart items.
And peepee, you know, whatnot.
So, you don't actually travel with them, and such. Not a roadie.
No, exactly. I don't know where that started, yeah.
Now we're on the same page. Why aren't you in there, watching them perform? Well, I ain't exactly allowed in the building during the concerto, if you will.
But, if there is a diarrhea emergency or something, I get to go in and clean it up.
And I can hear a little bit. So there are some perks.
I enjoy my job. 'Cause if people have a hard week, and they wanna rock out at a concert, I like to help, you know, picking up their garbage and bodily fluids, just so they can relax. They can thank me later.
They don't. But that's cool.
It don't stop me from being All In, All The Time. You know how it is, yeah.
So much has been happening to me that I don't even understand it all.
It's all just happening way above my pay grade.
Above zero? Just kidding.
Sorry, that was rude. That's a good one. You got me.
That's pretty much how it is. See, my new story picks up after my first story, and yet it goes back to the day I was born.
Well, you've got me intrigued. And I don't see the bus coming nearby, so start at the beginning.
It starts where every good thing in my life ever got started.
Man, that's the greatest town ever.
And today was the best day ever. Man, I was marrying Brandy.
Hey! Come here, get down!
It was like I was dreamin'.
Brandy knew me better than I knew myself.
Like, she knew that I didn't know what seven times seven was.
I mean, yeah, now I know that it's 77, but still.
She knew me.
And just when I thought it couldn't get any better, it did.
We were gonna have a baby.
Morning sickness came on fast.
Get it out.
But Brandy was a real trooper about it.
And then the big day arrived.
Joe, honey? How are you doing?
Yeah, yeah, I'm doing good, baby. I'm doing good.
Please make her smart like Brandy. Please make her smart like Brandy.
Don't make her dumb like me. Joe?
I don't know what to do. Just tell me if there's something I need to help you with.
Honey, honey, breathe. Okay? Yeah.
In and out. That's it. Oh, man.
We're gonna see our baby real soon.
I hope she looks like you.
I mean, shut up, because, no, please, she has to look like you, baby.
Don't waste a favor. What if God listens? You can't...
You are the most handsomest man that I have ever seen.
Baby, I think them drugs put your eyeballs to sleep, because you don't know what you're saying.
All right, let's take a look.
Centimeter dilation, looks just about right.
Hey, Doc, are you smoking?
Was it the cigarette that gave it away, Sherlock?
Doctor girl? Mister, may I call you Brandy?
Because I feel like once I've seen your muff, we should be on a first name basis.
Okay, this exchange doesn't sound too "doctorish" to me.
How cool. Did you go to med school?
No, I did not.
So, you don't know how doctors talk. I thought maybe you did the way you sounded all confident about our exchange not sounding doctor-like.
My Joe went to the school of hard knocks but graduated with honors. Please treat him with respect.
That's nice, Brandy, ya always say the nicest stuff about me.
Well, I can't help myself, baby.
Well, well, our little girl is crowning. You're about to meet your baby.
Hear that, baby? I love her so much already!
Miss? Hold on a second.
Sue, I think there's another baby up in there.
Did I hear there's probably another baby? Hey, we're in a meeting.
Hey, Doc, I just wanna... Whoa. Jackpot! Give me some!
What? It's a medical term.
It's a medical term, it don't sound like one.
Wow! Did you go to med school?
No, we went over this earlier. Hey, Doc, I do see another baby in there.
Although I'm no baby expert.
You ain't no expert? I wanted to get in on this one as soon as I heard it was gonna be Brandy-Boo up here in these here stirrups.
What's that? Get out of here, man.
What are you doing? Don't talk that way.
Oh, shit. What now? What's the matter?
There's three up in there. Three what?
Three babies, dumbass.
I told you. I told you. Well, I see them now.
Today is the day when these tiny little lives begin their journey that, God willing, will outlast everybody in this room.
Joe and I would appreciate it if you would show the proper reverence.
Baby, that's so good. She got the speeches down. That's poetry right there.
You're my little MLK, baby.
This Brandy chick is pure gold. Inside and out.
A woman like that loving a man like him. I must have misjudged this fool.
What do you say we deliver these babies?
Wow. Martin Scorsese couldn't compose a better shot.
What more could a guy ask for?
That wasn't it.
Hey, what did Brandy just say? Let's deliver us some babies.
You got it, Joe Dirt.
Give us some room. Three babies comin' up.
Push! Push! You got this. Come on. You can do it!
Are they talking?
Congratulations, you have triplets!
Brandy, you hear that? We got us a little NASCAR pit crew. I'm so happy.
Joe, it's sweet that you wanna name them Brandy Junior, Brandy Brandy, and Brandy 2.0 the Special Edition, but they need real names.
You're right. You're the brains of the outfit. All right, how about this, I've been thinking Def Lep, Skynyrd and Seger. Joe! Be serious.
I know. The Def Lep one is wrong. That's no good. All right, how about this?
383 Magnum, 440 Magnum, and 426, it's a Hemi.
It's a Hemi. Everyone loves a Hemi.
Joe, I am naming them.
All right, you constructed them, you did all the work.
You made 'em perfect and amazing. What do you got?
Cheyenne, Abilene, and Dakota.
So perfect. You're so good at this, three for three.
Yeah? You did good.
Look at 'em.
So everything was good.
Sure there were some bumps.
Like this local guy, Jimmy Yauch. Man, he was worse than Robby.
What you doing over there?
Makes the smoke minty fresh.
What, are you a scientist now?
No, I drive a truck for Kipper's tow yard. I thought you knew that.
And you suck what? I didn't hear that.
First of all, no, and second, who's feeding you all this false information?
Well, that would be your mother, son.
I think you better stop. You better stop now.
'Cause like Omar say, "You come at the king, you best not miss."
But, I didn't come at you. Anyways, boys, I been working on a song.
About the hottest shorty boo that ever did walk the face of the Earth.
And I'm telling you this right now. Brandy, one day she will be mine.
Now this I swear.
Check this out.
I'm a son of a gun not a box of six-gun repeaters I'm a backdoor man not just some Walmart greeter I'm rocking a double five-five wiener Looking for Brandy's love meter
Damn it, I know I suck. I ain't got no poetry.
See, with a girl like Brandy, you got to have some poetry in you.
But it's a catch-22.
Because a woman like that puts the poetry in you.
Damn it to 'Frisco. I hate poetry. I can't stand poetry.
Damn Joe Dirt. It ain't right!
It ain't right. It should be me, man. It should be me and not Joe Dirt.
Sorry about that guitar thing, man. It got out of hand.
It is what it is.
We all have our cross to bear.
Mine is Joe piece of Dirt.
Jimmy, that dude was trouble waiting to happen.
But my girls, man, look at them. They was growing like weeds.
Three beautiful flowers.
Yeah, more flowers than weeds. Forget weeds. They was growin' like flowers.
But deep down inside, I was feeling like, who was I to be happy, you know?
'Cause I was always nervous, feeling like it could all go away.
Turns out I was right to be worried, because soon it all started unraveling on me.
I got this job as a logger, and one day, it all started coming crashing down on me.
It came down real bad.
Luke, I am your logger.
You can't hear it, but it was funny. All right, here we go.
I think I cut 66 logs so far, man.
Probably get a good price down at the mill.
Hey, Dirt? Yep.
You strong? You know it.
Pick that up.
Kinda walked into that one, didn't I? Yeah.
Hey, Dirt. You look like Elmer Fudd in that hat.
Shit, more like Elmer Fudgepacker.
Yeah, that guy in the cartoons. Yeah, I guess. Looking stupid, yeah.
I seem to have forgotten my lunch, maybe you could give me the apple core when you're done with it?
Nah, you can't have that, boy.
I do have something for ya. Here you go.
Mind if I join ya? I got one for ya. Come on, dirty Dirt. Come on.
I got one. I got one for a face to land on, myself.
A little up close and person...
Boy, that one has got sauerkraut.
Hey, little logger boy.
Sexy Joe. These boys giving you trouble?
No, Missy, we're just funning around.
Can you keep a secret?
Yeah, I guess so. Then keep this a secret.
That secret had some secret sauce in it.
How was hers the worst one? Oh, man, Missy.
I still got some meth gas left inside.
Get this guy a paper towel.
You're right, kraut. Can you read farts, boy?
Tell me what I had for supper last night.
All right, that's it, man. 22 times ain't funny no more.
Is this where you wanna be when Jesus comes back? Fartin' in Joe Dirt's face?
I will take my chances.
Why are they farting on you?
And right there, it started to dawn on them that their dad, the dad they used to think was Superman, wasn't no Superman.
He was a loser. He was just Joe Dirt.
Y'all leave him alone.
Stop farting into his face, or there's more whoop-ass where that came from.
Missy! What? I have a medical condition.
I can't catch a break.
Honey, are you all right?
Yeah, Brandy. I can take care of myself.
I don't need you kicking these guys' butts for me.
I know you can take care of yourself, baby. Of course you can.
And that was it. They saw right through me.
I'm just the boy who was left at the Grand Canyon.
Like some empty Popsicle wrapper, you know? Like cherry or lemon-lime.
Orange is another flavor...
You see now, I never invented something great.
I didn't do anything like that. I didn't invent antigravity or Snausages, or them "Back off, Jack!" Yosemite Sam mud flaps.
Those are cool. I wish I did.
I just thought, if I was rich or famous, you know, then I could make 'em proud and then they'd love me for real.
Joe, that's ridiculous! You love them, they love you. Go tell them, it'll be fine.
'Cause everything just went away, like I knew it would.
You know, one time, when I was growing up, I was in one of my many foster homes and they had a guy come speak to us, and he was super smart, he was wearing glasses and everything.
He said something that stuck with me, I'll never forget it.
He said, "Revolutions never happen in countries where things get so bad
"that people can't take it anymore."
No. "Revolutions happen when things just get a little bit better."
People get a taste of what they've been missing.
And I got that.
I got my family, and now it's gone.
Gone, what happened? Well, this is the part of the story where it gets really weird.
There was a storm coming. Man, a big storm.
A "mess up your hair really bad" storm.
Get into the basement. Come on! Cover your eyes!
It's all going to be okay! Cover your eyes!
Come on, girls. Basement. Go, babe.
Come on, babies, hurry.
Daddy, I'm scared. It's just wind. I know, baby, it's just wind.
Daddy, my princess tiara. I left it in the trailer.
It's okay. It'll be there tomorrow, honey. But it was a birthday present from Daddy.
I'll go get it. No. Don't go.
I'll get it. It's okay, baby. I'm Superman. I'll be back.
Daddy, be careful. We love you!
Be careful, Joe.
Come on. Hurry!
Dang, that twister's getting close!
Yeah, this one is for real.
Please don't scratch my car!
Girls, what happened to the storm?
What are you talking about, loser? Go make us some cash like Kanye.
Treat us like North.
Sock him in the jaw. He's all yours. He's all yours.
Back him up, back him up. Knock him down.
I'm gonna whup you 'til you ain't nothin' but loose bones and loose change...
You see that? Y'all see what happened?
A trailer come out of the sky, and lands on Lucky Louie.
Lucky Louie's dead. That could have been any one of us.
You done killed the most vicious leader to ever head up the Smokin' Jokers.
You killed Lucky Louie, with just one house.
No, no, man. I didn't kill nobody. I was spinning in the twister and it was a bad storm, it threw me. What storm?
It was black clouds, now it's all tweet-tweet. I don't know what happened.
You killed Lucky Louie, and now you're our new leader.
Long as you wear these, we go where you go, and we ride where you ride.
Oh, man, these are nice. The ruby's a little fruity, but I'll take them.
Name's Foggle. What's your name, brother?
Joe. Joe Dirt. Joe Dirtay.
Which is it?
Joe Dirt. You all hear that?
All hail, Joe Dirt. All hail Joe Dirt.
You guys ain't gonna fart on me, are you?
Long story short, we stomped those three dudes so bad, they got to take their boots off to piss.
Anyway, that kinda ass-kicking fun is an everyday thing for us and now you get to tell us who to kick, and in which ass.
All right, man.
Well, kind of like monkey see, monkey do, I like that.
Okay. How about this? I need a vet, 'cause these puppies are sick.
I need a vet, 'cause these puppies are sick.
Not bad, I'm a good leader.
But I'm actually not. I'm no good.
I know I couldn't lead a colony of ants to a melting Hershey Bar to be honest, believe me, I've tried.
But I do have three daughters I want you to meet.
I've got a pretty wife, I'll bring her down. We'll all have fun, maybe brunch.
And by the way, you know, all the kids stuff, blah blah.
So no talking about fighting, and drinking, and spitting, and punching, and kicking, you get it. 'Cause, you know, that kind of violent imagery for a child, I don't want.
Besides, this is the year 2015, I don't know about even a motorcycle "gang" fighting...
"2015"? It's not 2015. It's 1965.
No, I'm sayin' now is 2015, June 2015.
No, it's definitely June, but it ain't no 2015, Mr. Dirt.
This is June 1965.
June 1965? Well if that's true, I'd be running around in diapies, that's when I was born.
I don't got no diapies on.
But anyway, I like it here, and I wanna meet everybody.
And I think as a new leader, I'm gonna name everybody.
'Cause, you know, gangs have nicknames. I think that's fun. I'm gonna start in the back.
You think I'm ignoring you? Back there, you got sort of a beak on your nose, like, a little bit like a bird.
What's a funny bird name? "Bird" is not, that's too uninteresting.
A mean one is vulture. You're Vulture from now on, if anyone asks you, okay?
Let's look around the room.
All right, here we go, there's Mean Marvin, No Soap Sam, Douche Bag, Jolly Mean Giant, Church Burner, Fruit Loop, Palm Tree, Crazy Eyes, Dopey, Inky, more like Stinky.
We got Pillow Biter, Reload, No Nut, Momma Hates You, Gooey Load, Queefie, Jock Strap Jonny, okay, Tea-Bagger Vance, Nucky Futz, Charlie Dog, Super Dumb, there's Going to Hell, there's Gary.
Con Artist Connie, One Eye, Two Eye, Two Eyes is no good. Everybody has two eyes, right?
I'm running out. Porn Stash, Little Killer, Medium Killer, Flat Ass, Boogie Oogie, Cher, Mitch the Bitch, Knee Caps, No Teeth.
Knock knock. Who's there? You're Ugly. "Ugly"?
That whole thing is your nickname.
And you are, I forgot you, Foggle. How about, Lead Singer of Blue Oyster Cult.
You'll get that one. That's funny. You seen him? You get it good.
Maybe the bass player, it's exact.
Anyway, as your new leader, I command ye to roll up your sleeves, and let's do some charity work. Let's do some good for once, you know?
Let's get out there and help, because that's where we wanna be when Jesus comes back.
Who's with me? Come on now, let's do this.
You hear that, everybody?
That little queer wants us to help people in need.
Is that queer, man? Is that queer? Think this is queer?
Well, next time don't make it a question.
You're all like, "Is this queer?"
So that just walks you right into the answer, which is yes.
Just make it a statement, dumbass.
Yeah? What about...
Yeah, hey, Foggle, you're strong.
Strong smellin', yeah. Got ya, hold 'em up. Hold 'em up.
Got ya good. It took you that long to think of that?
To be honest, I thought of it about a week ago, and then I've been waiting to use it.
But I didn't think I would. It's been in the chamber loaded up, and guess who got it? You.
Guess what else? I got your boots.
You think you're gonna get 'em back? Not quite, termite.
Give us those boots. I'm running away. Good luck catching me.
Which way am I going?
Get back here!
You ain't man enough to wear those boots. You know that, Joe Dirt.
You ain't nothing. You know that in your heart.
We will track you to the gates of hell.
Let's go. Yeah.
What a dumb name. He needs a cool name, like Joe Dirtay.
Why don't you go play Boggle?
God dang, that's so funny, why didn't I say it?
I think of all the good ones too late.
Well, I got my tennis shoes, and his stupid boots!
Well, I don't need these sneakers no more.
Fetch that, Boggle!
Man, it usually takes me 27 times. Nice.
Hey, how come ya threw your sneakers up over that power line?
Why? You've never seen that before? No, silly head!
Silly head, 1965.
I must've travelled through some sort of vortex and tumbled through time, like a time traveler.
I don't know what's happening.
But I'll tell ya, that happens in the future.
We find out carbs are bad for ya, just a heads up.
Hey. You really from the future?
Maybe you should move down to Louisiana, help me start my fishing business!
You and I together, man, we could catch a lot of shrimp!
I mean, there's rock shrimp, Atlantic shrimp, salt shrimp, boo-boo shrimp, tater shrimp, shrimp on a stick, shrimp remoulade, shrimp in your pasta, you know what, fuck shrimp!
Okay, so, no on the shrimp biz?
What's the situation with your hair?
Did I call your number?
Are we in a deli?
We are not. And I did not. Goodbye.
Did you call number three yet?
Did I call number... No, that was a metaphor, this ain't really a bakery, man.
Yeah, I know. I was just patiently waiting my turn.
You see that? He's patiently waiting his turn, all right?
That's nice, instead of yelling out nonsense.
Yeah, one day I'm gonna dig a hole.
Well, that's great, man.
See, there you go. You're gonna have a great, big hole.
It's gonna be the biggest one, and I'm glad you're setting goals.
It's gonna be in my living room.
Yeah, well, you had me, then you lost me there.
Are you married? I am married. Now, that's a normal question.
I'm married to Brandy. She's sweet. Wait a minute.
Is she like a great big fat person?
A great big fat person? She is not. She's about 115, I'm guessing.
I really wish those numbers were turned around.
Well, then she'd be a great big fat person.
Yeah, no, I like her 115. Anything over, like, 400 I'm not super attracted to.
I'd like to cut her skin off, and then sew it together, so that I could wear it as a human tracksuit.
Maybe I'm hearing you wrong, it sounds a little not normal, what you're saying?
My name's Bob.
If I had any friends, they'd call me Buffalo Bob.
Why don't you give me a call if your wife ever becomes a great big fat person?
Buffalo Bob, that sounds...
You have no idea what kind of hell I can bring you!
All right, enough, you broken record!
Does what it's told!
Say it, don't spray it, brother! Dang.
Was that all in my living room?
'Cause that's step one.
Gotta run. There's a huge crazy party behind that shed.
You can go, there's three tickets left.
What are you up to?
Genghis Khan what?
It's a comic book store?
If I'm back in time, I could maybe buy...
Is that Brandy?
Like a beaut.
You got that $5 you owe me?
See, I was thinking, you know, since we're both seniors now, maybe it's time we, you know...
Wait a second. I think I see Jill.
I've gotta go talk to her. She needs help with her homework.
Homework is important. I'll be here, waiting.
Wow. That was a total red light.
She gave you nothing but brake fluid. You're smothered in it.
So funny I forgot to laugh.
Guess it's time to try the old "Popcorn Surprise."
What's a "Popcorn Surprise"?
Listen up, here's the skinny.
See, I put a hole through the bottom of a large tub of popcorn.
Does the popcorn fall out?
I don't know, it doesn't matter, all right?
After I cut the hole through, I put my thingy up through the hole.
Wait, hold on now, fella, you lost me. What's a thingy?
Get smart and get smart fast!
That thing you use to go number one?
So that's what keeps the popcorn from falling out.
I guess so, but that's not the point.
All right? Anyways, after I get my thingy stuck up through the hole, she reaches to grab the popcorn, presto! Handful of thingy!
That's cool. Spread the word around.
It's gonna be classic. Yeah, all right, all right!
Go, go, go!
So, he finally made his move on you?
Yeah, he's sweet, but I don't have those kind of feelings for him.
You need to check your temperature, girl, because he's the most dreamiest boy in school.
Brandy, hey, sorry. I just ran five miles chasing you!
What are you doing here?
What are you wearing? That looks funny.
I'm sorry, do I know you?
Brandy! And my name isn't Brandy.
Well, if it's 1965 and you're Ashleen...
Yeah, it's 1965, strange-o. What about it, you freaky guy?
Oh, my God, are you Brandy's mom?
I don't know what you're sayin', but I have always liked the name Brandy.
I could see me namin' a daughter that.
Yeah, you can, 'cause you...
Why are you talkin' to our girls, and what's the deal with your hair, you weirdo?
Yeah, show him your muscles, fellas.
Maybe he'll scram. And scram fast.
Check this out.
Do you even lift?
Listen, I better go, because these guys are getting a little cranky.
All right? So listen, Ashleen, I think I came here to the past to fix something about myself, you know?
So, I deserve the daughter that you're gonna have one day.
I don't know what you mean. I don't know either.
And by the way, do not eat Jimmy's popcorn, okay?
"Jimmy"? No, his name is Rory.
Fudge! That's Jimmy's dad! Man, this shit just got officially weird.
Hey, you watch your language, buddy boy fella!
You want a big bar of soap in your mouth?
Hey, are you a vet?
'Cause these puppies are sick.
Yeah, you like that one? Talk to the fist, 'cause the hand is pissed.
Those are from the future! You just got futurized.
You got a burn, and it came down from the future and got you.
You're a little dazed right now, it'll go away. But don't fight it, just...
Hey, he's gonna give you the "Popcorn Surprise."
What's a "Popcorn Surprise"?
I'll give you a hint, it's more surprise than popcorn, okay?
Just promise me you don't put your hand in that cup, all right?
Just think of me as your guardian angel, all right?
Looking out for the love of my life.
How are you, son? This movie's a hoot, isn't it?
Dad, what are you doin' here? Mom!
I want some popcorn.
Don't stop, don't stop!
I like it.
Don't stop, don't stop!
It won't come out!
Oh, my God.
Man, old comic books in mint condition for 10 cents apiece.
Give Joe Dirt lemons, he gonna make goldenade.
Nah, lemonade, he gonna make lemonade.
This must be why I'm here.
To get rich.
So my girls will love me for real, instead of the loser that I am.
I'll buy 'em presents.
This one is gonna buy Abilene braces.
This one's gonna buy braces for Dakota.
And this one. What can I get Cheyenne?
I can get braces.
And this, Brandy, you're gonna get a new used car!
Don't worry, little tree, that won't hurt ya. You're gonna grow up big and strong.
Pretty nice. Take that, Home Depot. Life's a garden, dig it!
Well that was easy. Now that I'm rich, I'm gonna get back to my trailer.
'Cause that's where this whole thing started, and maybe that's where this whole thing ends.
No, no, no.
No, no, no. Crap.
Well, well, well.
If it isn't Joe Dirt.
Now see, when I ride with a man like this guy, I got a nice thick phonebook between us.
Like this thing right here.
That way we're not really touching each other.
Now, Joe here, if he were to ride behind a man, he probably wouldn't have a phonebook dividing him from the other man.
No, no, no. He would say, "No, I don't need no phonebook in between us, "because I'd rather be nice and cozy."
Or if he puts something in between him and the other man, he would want it to be a little bit thinner, like a magazine.
Or like a menu.
A really thin menu. Like a Kleenex.
You wish you'd thought of Kleenex.
I want those boots, Joe.
Foggle, look what I'm doing.
I'm takin' 'em off.
You know you ain't man enough to wear those boots.
You give 'em to me, boy. No.
What if I unzipped and rubbed 'em on my private parts?
You wouldn't like that!
You don't put that nowhere near your thingy!
That scare you?
I'll do it. Yeah, I'm crazy, I do it!
Look, here come the police! Too bad 'cause you're the bad guy, I'm the good guy.
Are you Joe Dirt?
Yeah, hey there, hi there, ho there, Officer, what is crappenin'?
Figured it was you.
You had that weird hairdo they said you called a "mullet."
Yeah, that's me.
Did you buy comic books with this here money?
Yeah, you know I did, that's right.
Well, then, you're under arrest for using counterfeit money.
What, no! It ain't counterfeit, it's future money!
From my future pocket!
You just tell that to them down at the station.
I'm under arrest so those guys can't kill me now!
What guys? Those guys!
See ya later, I'm innocent, sorry!
Hey, get back here!
I bumped your car, sorry!
Come on, we gotta go get him.
Pursuit on foot going west on Hartford.
It ain't over, Joe Dirt.
We're your personal demons from hell!
Where's my phonebook?
So I was on the lam. They even let the dogs out on me and everything.
But I got away, man, I pretended to be a scarecrow in a field.
Them stupid cops, they never caught me.
What about the dogs?
The dogs, I dunno, I don't remember.
Anyway, so there I was, on the run.
Escape from the police.
Police dogs have a real good sense of smell.
Even if you were a scarecrow, how could the dogs not find you?
You know, they did find me, but I got lucky, they just walked away.
How did they just walk away? I mean, they just walked away?
They knocked me over on the pole on the ground, and they just walked away!
I dunno, they had dog stuff to do.
You're focusing on the wrong part of the story.
I can't imagine. Why would they just walk away?
God dang, with the dogs! Who gives a care?
The dogs, all right, you gotta solve the case!
All right, they all humped me, is that what you wanna know?
You found it out, Nancy Drew, you solved the case of the horny dogs.
Well, glad you got a good chuckle out of it.
It was terrible, I was man's best friend!
More like, man's best friend with benefits.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
I don't know if you started the "dogs like to hump people's legs" fad, but think about it, you started the shoes on the line, and the mullet.
You know, you might be like the white trash Johnny Appleseed.
You know, once I extricated myself from the dog pile, they were done, basically, once they got the money shot, if you get my drift, which I hope you don't.
God. Anyway, so there I was, on the run. I was runnin' through the night, and you can't believe what I saw.
I like any place that sounds like "boobies."
Where's the crowd when you need 'em?
I got some LOLs going.
Man, that singer looks like a young Ronnie Van Zant.
Wait. That's Ronnie. Bob. Gary.
Oh, my God! This is Lynyrd Skynyrd!
Before they were Skynyrd!
Man, you guys are so good.
So, you really dug our sound?
I do think you guys have potential.
Well, cool, 'cause we're just barely scratchin' by.
Not makin' a dime.
Well, I think that's all gonna change.
But I have one criticism, and do not take this the wrong way.
I'm just saying, maybe tinker with the name of the band, you know?
You don't like "The Wildcats"?
No, yeah, no, I don't.
Actually, because "Wildcats" is too, like, generic and boring, like any animal.
It's like "meerkat," you know?
You know Meerkat Manor? You don't, no.
But it needs to be more distinct, I feel.
I mean, this is rock and roll. A name means everything, man.
All the cool bands have cool names.
You wanna kick ass, you want it to stand out.
Wildcats, I just don't think it does it, man. Do you got any other ideas?
Yeah, I got one. What about "Wham!"?
It sounds kickass, right?
It's like, Wham!
It says, if you mess with us, we'll beat you down!
We'll blow you away!
We don't care where, in a dark alley or in a public toilet.
I feel like "Wham!" is just, gut instinct, not the way to go.
What about "Frankie Goes To Hollywood"?
What about "Cher"? "Cher"?
What about "Air Supply"?
Oh, my God, be real!
What about "Kajagoogoo"? What?
"New Kids On The Block"?
What, we're getting colder!
Okay, you said we're gonna be big, right?
Going straight to the top. All right, then "One Direction"!
What is crappenin'?
Nah, I'd do "Pet Shop Boys," though.
What about "Spice Boys"? That's pretty good. Yeah.
Come on, man, we need some contenders here, what is this crap?
I got one. Now get ready for this, okay?
It's a little outta left field.
But be open-minded.
Not that guy. That's like our gym coach's name.
We don't even like that guy.
I know legend has it it's your gym coach.
That's a long story.
But seriously, guys, I know he's your coach, but you change it a little bit.
You add a "D," you add a random "Y," another renegade "Y" over here, and then it's Lynyrd Skynyrd and presto-change-o, people remember that!
No, that guy gave me lice... I dunno about Lynyrd Skynyrd, man.
You remember that time he chased the other coach around in his underwear in the gym?
The guy's just whacked out. But you're...
Oh, my God, that's so good.
Trust me, you guys are gonna be big, that song is so perfect, I'm telling you, that's like an anthem, like a Southern toe-tapper to say the least, man.
On the huge-ometer, it's gonna break the needle.
Like a big wedding song? More like divorce.
Really? Where does it go, man? It's too slow.
Too slow, listen to this guy!
Oh, my God, it's gonna be nine minutes!
Yeah, I know, I mean, it could be. It could be 9:08.
Nine minutes, eight seconds, yeah.
When you've got it that good, don't rush it.
What I would do, I would talk at the beginning, sing sing, if it's about a bird, you know, lettin' it go free.
And then maybe just kill some time in the middle with an instrumental.
Like, anything. I would probably go...
Man! You got it!
I kid you not, like I said, you're gonna be rich and famous, trust the shit outta me on this one!
Yeah? Big rock stars with a truck full of money and girls and jammin' into the night, livin' the great life? You know it, man! Exactly!
Everyone's gonna look up to you, you're gonna have tons of fans, your kids are gonna be proud of you, your family's gonna have so much money.
You could buy anything you want.
We could buy our own airplane. Yeah!
What's the matter?
You guys, it was nice to meet you, but...
You're gonna be great, man. I gotta go.
I was eight years old when I heard about that plane crash.
Just goes to show, you never really know what's going on in people's lives.
You know, everything could look great, and you could wish you were them, but then... Sounds like a lesson in there.
Yeah, I know there's a lesson, and I know I was supposed to walk into that club and meet Skynyrd that night, but I ain't real smart, and my head always feels all jingly jangly, which is a Southern term meaning, gangly wangly.
There's always noise in it, like, if people are dropping change in there and not picking up the pennies.
It makes me crazy, man.
But then when I think I'm startin' to figure stuff out, along come these assholes.
Let's get us that Joe Dirt!
Get back here with those boots!
You little bitch.
Don't you get on that train!
Don't you get on that train!
Take that, Foggle! What a burn!
And so there I was, just clickety-clackin' through the night.
I got to thinking, how does this Foggle dude and all of them always know where I am?
It's almost like they're livin' inside my head, you know?
I mean, there's definitely a lot of empty space in there.
But where would they put their motorcycles, where would they go to the bathroom?
I'm sick of being alone.
I wish Brandy was here right now.
I can pretend she's here.
I got a few minutes.
Okay. In the bedroom.
I come up behind. Tickle her back.
Pull that scrunchie out. Yeah, get the hair down.
Pick up the pace, pick up the pace.
Had to light my cigar.
Show was just starting. Keep goin'.
Nah, you didn't see nothing.
Yeah, we did.
You over there lookin' like a paint shaker goin' at it.
Can we get in on that action?
Yeah, maybe we can figure out some kinda naked pyramid or something.
I like that idea. Come on, little doggy.
I ain't no party boy.
Just a dream. Thank God.
But this time, not just them.
You get us, too.
You like sausages, Joe?
I like sausage, I usually get bacon, but I mix it up.
I like to have fun at breakfast, you know?
Maybe you should take a little nibble off mine.
No, that's not supposed to be there.
Don't walk here!
You guys on Viagra?
It's me, Joe.
Kicking Wing? Holy crap on a crutch!
What's up? I missed you.
But they don't call me Kicking Wing anymore, I'm Kicking Ass.
I took your advice. Man! That's a good one.
That's cool, I got tons of good ideas, man.
So, where have you been, how's the fireworks game?
I'm not in the fireworks game, Joe. Growth potential wasn't enough.
I'm a drug dealer now.
What! You don't do drugs.
I don't get high on my supply.
Baby, who's this clown?
This is the legendary Joe Dirt!
So, you sell heroin and all that kinda crap?
No. Just aspirin and weed.
What! I can get aspirin from a baby!
I can get weed in a vending machine in Denver!
'Cause you know what, no one gives a care about weed any more.
Understand, rubber band?
Well, aspirin and weed is the ones I like.
Well, that's your problem. You're not sellin' to the mirror, my man!
You're forgetting about the consumer! Again.
I'm a really good drug dealer.
Kim Possible, you're gonna stand there, calling yourself "a really good drug dealer," and you ain't got no crystal meth?
No black tar?
These are the basics!
No Xanny bars? White crosses? Special K? Moon rocks? No zip-its, pop-its, whippits?
Black beauties or cocaine? Also known as yayo, power flour, talk chalk, devil's dandruff or sniffy jiffy?
No. No shanaynay?
No. Just aspirins and weed.
So, you're supposed to be taken seriously in your chosen new profession?
And you don't move no purple microdot? No gold paint to huff?
No angel dust?
PCP? Molly? Charlie? Charlie Car? Crank?
Ice? Crack? Boom? Pow? Shnizzle? Zoomers?
Boomers? Husker Dus?
Wait, I think that's a firecracker, isn't it?
No, it's both.
No yellow jackets, morning wood, or one single bottle of codeine cough syrup?
With or without the Jolly Rancher.
You must get high all the time.
You seem psycho.
Wait, was this a dream?
Yeah, this is gonna be a dream.
Then I can say somethin' mean back. All right, say it again.
You must get high all the time. You seem psycho.
You must bone a lot of dudes. You seem like a whore.
I do. Backfire!
I'm so glad this is a dream and you ain't a drug dealer!
You're right, Joe, it is a dream.
Come on, Kicking Ass, kick him off the train, I wanna get high.
Don't you understand, Joe? This whole dream represents you trying to become something you shouldn't be.
Think about that, Joe.
Man, it was great to see Kicking Wing, but not as a drug dealer.
And that's when it hit me. What he was trying to tell me!
What he wanted me to figure out was... Then I got sleepy.
Yo! Molly Mulletson.
It's me, the clumsy segue fairy.
We're inside a dream that's inside a daydream that's being influenced by a vague sense of ennui.
And this is Joe Dirt 2, and why have we overwritten this?
Now go back to sleep, you're gonna wake up in the middle of nowhere.
Them dreams is trying to tell me somethin'. Especially Kicking Wing!
I don't even know what Zander Kelly was doin' in there.
And I have no idea what "on we" means either.
All in all, I was startin' to feel like Alice in Wonderland.
You know, if Alice was a cool dude and Wonderland was a place where everyone benches a lot.
You're cool, and...
Yeah, that's a bad comparison, but things was definitely getting weirder.
Hey, guys, what's crappenin'?
What's your name?
Well, listen, it's a bit unusual and I've heard all the jokes and I've heard them about my hair, so you might as well skip it.
It's Joe Dirt.
Dirt? That's a pretty shitty name, don't you think?
Yeah, I guess we're not going to skip it.
Yeah, listen, it could've been Connor or Willow or Aiden or Jaden or maybe Colby or Tristan...
How's your health?
That's a bit personal.
My health is good, I feel like it might get worse in a few minutes...
You ain't a smoker, huh?
No, but I do dip Skoal.
Just a pinch between my cheek and gum.
I've tried Cope, you know, between us.
But it's a little strong. I get dizzy.
I like to call it the poor man's amusement ride.
You're about to go on a big ride.
Sore to the touch!
Somebody's getting a bad stitchin' award.
What did they do?
Seashell? I'm at the beach!
So they harvested me. What?
Harvested you? Yeah, they dug deep. They got my kidney, they got my gallbladder, they got some liver parts.
I guess they were making some cat food or something, I dunno.
I thought that was just, like, an urban legend.
How creepy. Yeah. Yeah.
You know, maybe I started that.
After the surgery, they left all kinds of crap inside me, like, you know.
On accident, I'm guessin'. What?
They left scissors inside me, they left a hamburger wrapper, 39 cents in change, and some of those plastic pluggy things that you stick in a corn cob to hold it better?
Also one of them cans that says moo when you turn it upside down?
No. You say, no?
There we go.
It's nice to see you laughin'.
My little girls would laugh so hard at that. They'd think it's so funny.
I wish I could hear that.
So, where was this beach? Actually, it was a desert island.
I was there a long time.
About 12 years.
"Dear Whoever Finds This Message in a Bottle, I'm trapped
"on a desert island, and I'm losing hope of ever being found, man.
"I probably just wasted time writing the word 'man,' it wasn't a necessary word
"and I don't have much ink, so that's dumb.
"I'm using my own blood.
"I'm crossing off 'man. ' Sorry for the mess.
"As I gaze out to sea at the rocks that look like
"a giant church steeple, it makes me think of
"the day I married the love of my life, Brandy.
"I miss her. I miss my girls. I'm lonely out my ass.
"I hope somebody gets this and replies.
"PS, No smokers. I'm just kidding.
"Signed, Joe Dirtay.
"PPS, AKA Joe Dirt. I ain't foolin' nobody with the Dirtay thing. I'll give up on it."
Tastes like jellyfish.
Oh, yeah. You like that, Wilson?
You're not getting away! Yeah, take that!
Okay, this one goes out to all the angel fish out there.
You know who you are. Let them in the front. Come on now.
You like that, shell?
Hey, which way out? I need an exit sign.
There you are.
Sorry for the delay, folks. I took a crap.
I buried it. I put some sand on it. It's not totally gone, but...
Nobody go looking for it. I didn't think you would.
I hope this is mine.
"Dear Joe Dirt, you sound so lonely and lost.
"And as I gaze out of my Marriott Hotel window, "I can see the same church-steeple rocks you mention in your letter.
"Anyway, what hotel are you staying in?
"I'm in room 347. Write me back or call."
What the fuck!
Twelve years I missed going to effing, freaking, fucking Taco Bell?
Are you Bigfoot?
What? No, man. No, I'm not Bigfoot.
Hey, Bigfoot, why did you climb all those rocks over there instead of using this trail?
What year is it? It's 1977, Bigfoot.
Man, what city am I in?
It's Miami, Bigfoot.
I need to go down just to wipe.
It's rough down there. I've been wiping with seaweed and clamshells for 12 years.
Bye, Bigfoot. You gotta get going? Okay.
Yeah, see ya later, Bigfoot.
Okay. I'll catch ya later.
Maybe I'll write it in a bottle and throw it to ya.
I'm kidding. Wait, is this the way down?
Twenty-seven cents for all-new JD threads.
Now I just gotta get the bugs out of my hair.
Skynyrd, man. Those poor guys.
I'm complaining about my stupid problems, and these guys...
Screw them, man! I was on an island for 10 years. I'm in Florida!
What a dumb crap! I just get stupider!
Wait a second. Is that dude, Clem?
Wait, that's Clem!
I'm sorry, excuse me.
Hey, hey, Clem.
Frank, Frank, Frank, Frank.
Mr. Bennedetti, I'm sorry. My name's Joe Dirt, I'm from the future. I know it sounds crazy.
I heard about the future.
Everybody's got a big head, right? Enlarged. Eat pills to live.
You fly around with a jetpack.
Not quite yet. I mean, we have a Bedazzler.
Jetpacks are not at the Walmart just as of now.
But we have the Cronut.
It's really doing well. I ate 30 once. I was drunk. It was like 28, but I brag and say 30.
But here's the real thing, in the future, I just want to tell you, it sounds crazy, I know, but we're friends.
You're like a dad to me.
I mean, we hang out and you live in Silvertown. You save me from bullies.
Vinny, whack this kid. He's talking nonsense.
Then dump his body in a trunk, then dump his crazy hair in a different trunk.
You got it, Uncle Frank. No, no, Mr. Vinny, wait one sec...
I'm telling you I'm from the future. I'll prove it.
There's a TV.
What's that, NASCAR?
I know NASCAR.
That's Daytona 500, I bet. I can tell you who wins. Is that good?
If this was true, you would become very important.
You've got five seconds. I start counting on three.
What? Wait, what happened to one and two?
I had them whacked. Four.
Wait. God... Okay, hold on.
Daytona Speedway, 1977. That's, oh, my God, Richard Petty, I think.
Then you got Darrel Waltrip in Gatorade. AJ Foyt is third.
Then Donnie Allison, and who's fifth? Five.
Cale Yarborough! Go! Yeah! Yeah!
Guys, we just found a goose that lays the golden eggs.
I laid 'em. This goose's name is, what?
I'm Joe Dirt! Joe Dirt.
It's all right.
This was all paying off.
We was getting richer.
I was getting richer.
Look, I did a perfect cartwheel. Dad, I bet you can't do that.
Daddy... But I was missing my family Really missing them, something awful.
...a perfect cartwheel. Dad, have you ever...
It sounds crazy, but I recorded a bunch of actresses doing a little jibber-jabber, to remind me of home.
I can do somersaults. Hey, Joe Dirt, watch my cartwheel.
Wait, no, not Joe Dirt. Daddy, watch my cartwheel!
Dad, look, I can do a back handspring! Can you do a flip, too?
So anyways, that's the whole story.
I know you believe me, 'cause all those races I predicted and stuff came true.
Anyway, Clem. I know the future, and I know something about you, and I know something about your wife.
We must not know. We're not supposed to know the future that is laid out for us.
Because choices must remain for us to make.
That's how it must be.
What, are you saying that if you could learn what's gonna happen in the future, you don't even want to know?
Each day must remain without horizon.
We save it for the now.
Okay, yeah. I know what you're saying. That you never know how hot it is until you lose your shade tree.
No. I speak with more elegance than that.
I'm not talking trifles from a calendar or a bumper sticker or a poster of that cat.
You've seen it. It's everywhere.
A cat hangs upside down from a tree. Underneath the cat it says, "Hang in there."
Right. This is nonsense.
The cat must not just hang there. The cat must go fix its problems.
The cat must find the thing that gives it trouble and smack that thing in the side of the head with a brick.
The cat must ask, "Does your mother sew?
"Get her to stitch that."
You see what I'm saying? Yeah, cats are hard to train. I know.
But, Clem, I mean, Mr. Bennedetti...
You've convinced me that we are friends in the future. Call me Clem.
I love it. Well, Clem, you just turned my life around, man. You made me rich.
Yeah. This is like a crazy accident, I saw you.
Because now I'm gonna be able to buy my kids so much stuff.
I'm gonna be so important to them now.
Joe, I think, you've not learned all the things you need to know from me, but, for now, there's something more important that bothers me.
This girl you talk about, this Brandy? Yeah.
Something nags me in the back of my head.
What if you miss the first time you meet her?
Everything's gonna be off.
The future's gonna be bat-shit crazy.
That's so true. That's so smart. I didn't think of that.
Clem, I need to make it back to where I first met Brandy.
To make everything happen.
That's when her dog's balls got stuck on her porch.
He was licking his balls, and it was 40 below zero outside.
What do you expect? Yeah.
Joe, let's have one for the road.
I don't even know if I should have a drink because I got my liver taken out.
Who gives a shit? Okay. Yeah. Okay. Let's do it.
No kidney, no problem.
That's right. Let's do it.
Daddy, where are you?
Not feeling good, I bet, huh? No.
I think I was drunk. 'Cause, you know, I had some of my innards harvested.
Yeah. That would explain the empty spots on the X-ray.
But drunk is an understatement.
They found you running naked with a Roman candle sticking out of your ass.
You tried to eat a bunch of pigeons, then you climbed onstage at a Donnie Osmond concert, screaming, "What did y'all do with Van Halen?"
And then this huge guy punched you incredibly hard directly in your testicles.
Check this out.
You're gonna love this.
Your balls are basically like, "Hey, man, let's go see what his throat is talking about!"
There was a tour bus that was driving by. There was a bunch of Japanese, and you know how those people are with their cameras.
My wife is Asian!
What's up with the jokes? Like, what are you, like some grand wizard or something?
No, man, I didn't say nothing. You nodded.
You nodded like a motherfucker.
Anyway, the punch was so masterful that your testicles are up way inside you and they would have gone a lot higher had they not bounced off your heart.
Wait, my ball sack's where?
Your balls are in your stomach and your sacks are literally being digested as we speak.
And that's not fantastic, so what we're gonna have to do is yank them out.
You mean, gently extract? Yes.
By extract we mean yank.
And so, we have these things that look like salad tongs. Actually they are salad tongs from the Sizzler salad bar.
You know, there's always some good pussy at Sizzler.
Sizzler, yeah. I'm usually buried in cornbread. I don't look up.
I usually say this may hurt a bit, but this is definitely gonna hurt.
All right, are you ready? Let's breathe.
Whoa, is there a parakeet!
Damn, man, why are you yelling? Why did you yell in my ear?
Well it hurt, like a mofo!
Yeah, but what about my ear?
You could've turned your face that way. You could've screamed at that wall.
But you wanted to yell in my... Whoa!
Whoa, what? Whoa.
Whoa, good news?
You can say that I definitely extracted your balls.
A lot of credit goes to the workout regimen I've been on.
They're hanging a little low, man.
They do hang, but how low?
Clackers, that's my balls. That's too far.
Don't worry, balls have a great healing mechanism.
You'll be back May, June.
Wait, May or June? I've got to go to Silvertown by tomorrow!
You shouldn't do that. You shouldn't travel.
See, your balls look like tube socks with lemons in them.
And that's usually the side effect from the yankotomy I performed.
But if I don't go to Silvertown, I don't meet Brandy, and my whole future is thrown off. Do you understand? I gotta go!
Good evening, folks, we'll be starting our descent into Spokane, Washington, in a few minutes.
So, if anyone needs to use the restroom, please do so now.
Good idea. I'm gonna take a pee real quick.
Give me a second.
Are those your balls?
Yeah. Is that an apple?
Dang, too much turb. Gotta sit down and pee like a little girl.
Sir, are you okay in there? No, look!
My nuts got sucked in, look! Oh, my God!
What'd you do that for? That's so stupid. I'm not on trial here. I did an accident.
What's going on?
Oh, good, sweet, Lord God. I need help.
This man has gotten his ball sack stuck down the toilet.
I just got sucked. It's an accident. I pushed the thing.
I'm sorry. I quit. I hate balls to start off with. No, no, no.
No, I'm... Don't quit, I need help!
You are helping me out with this. I don't know what to do.
They didn't deal with this in stewardess school.
Sir, you've got to lift them up when I flush. Okay?
That doesn't sound like it's gonna work.
One, two, three. No, no, no!
It didn't work! It didn't work.
Well, we're gonna try it again. I'm gonna try it again. One, two, three.
No, no, no!
What're you doing? I'm sorry. Don't do it! I never say the "B" word.
But it hurts too much. You can't do that. We need to think of a new strategy.
What is going on out here, ladies? Have a look.
What is... What the... Whoa! Whoa! Yeah.
I'm gonna get you guys some help. Let's clean that up.
You want me to clean this up first or get the guy's balls out of the toilet?
Watch your face, sir. It's coming in! Get out of here with your foot!
I'm gonna get you back to your seat, you gotta get your nuts up out of that...
Don't kick me, Jackie Chan!
I passed out for a minute. Right.
Not again, you bitch!
Do you really have to parade me across the tarmac?
Is there not a shortcut?
I'm out here on display.
I'm usually in a Hemi.
Man. Is there a second gear on this?
You see what that is, right? You see it?
This is crazy. His left nut is right in that one gear.
Right there in the gear box. And his other one, his other nut...
Where'd you take off from? Miami? Miami.
His other nut's probably back in Miami. Where?
They might have to ship it to you, buddy. Are you funning me?
Just hand me pliers and, what do you think about a saw?
A saw? Wait, like a hacksaw?
Like to hack it off? No, no. No saw by my balls. Thanks.
Hey, buddy, can you let us concentrate? How long's this gonna take?
Like four or five hours. Whatever, it doesn't matter.
Four or five hours? No way, man. I gotta take an airplane to Idaho.
I gotta be honest, man, planes are out of the question.
You're gonna have to drive. Drive? I can't drive with these balls.
Plus I drive Mopar, not some crummy rental car.
So I rented a car.
And now I was heading home, but of course I ran out of gas. Typical.
Everyone saw that coming.
And then I hopped a train, and that was fun, 'cause the guy even let me drive it for a second.
Well, I screwed that up fast.
I didn't stick around to fill out no paperwork, I just started running.
I'm actually a good runner.
I'm actually not.
If it isn't dirty Joe Dirt.
Man. Hey, Foggle.
Phonebook's looking a little thinner these days.
How 'bout you give us them boots.
And we'll kill you only half as slow as we was gonna.
How did you find me, man?
I met you back in 1965.
Joe Dirt, we're the dream you can't slip.
The ache in your heart. The darkness just outside of your light.
We've been hounding you since the day you was left behind like garbage by your ma and pa.
We're an allegory and a reality, and your time is up.
This is gonna be good.
I don't like your tone.
You're talking to my boy all wrong.
Who are you?
I've come to check on my boy, Joe Dirt. He's my goose that lays the golden eggs.
You don't mess with my goose, unless you're a gander.
Tell me, are you a gander? No!
No, I'm not a gander!
Clem, I'm so glad to see you, man. But I gotta get out of here.
I've got to get to Brandy's house right now!
I want those boots, pissant!
Joe, go meet your woman.
I will take care of these dunskies.
You know, we're kind of running the show here.
We've got our chains and knives.
Don't bring a knife to a gunfight.
Especially if I've got the guns.
Not now, darling.
Hey, Clem, you don't have to do this for me, buddy.
Joe Dirt, we may meet again someday.
I don't know.
But for that to happen, you must meet your destiny.
You've learned how hot it is when you lose your shade tree.
Go get your shade tree back.
Hey, by the way, why doesn't it sound fruity when you say that?
You don't have time for the explanation.
I don't. Bye, Foggle. I gotta go. Joe Dirt.
You're done with Joe Dirt. You must never haunt his dreams again.
You must never be that voice of doubt that makes him think he's not good.
Your dance with Joe Dirt is done.
I'll let you know when it's over.
Hey, does your mother sew?
Get her to stitch that!
We've got to get you unstuck.
Is there anybody out there that will help me?
Thank goodness. We've gotta help Charlie.
I was born to help Charlie. What's going on?
I was thinking maybe warm water and a spatula?
That's a great idea. Okay.
Man, keep your mouth shut, mutt.
All right. I'm looking at you, too. He's all good. Come on back.
Jimmy, thank you! You're welcome.
It ain't nothing. How did you do that?
Don't worry about it. That's a guy thing, right there.
I'm sorry, do I know you?
It's me, Brandy, Joe Dirt.
What kind of name is that?
It's me. We're supposed to meet here, right now. Right exactly now, with Charlie.
We become friends, and eventually we get married.
Boy, what are you talking about?
Is you wasted or something?
Mr. Dirt, I can't talk right now.
Jimmy and I need to tend to my dog. Brandy, I'm rich now.
I'm super rich.
I'm somebody that's worth loving.
Mr. Dirt, money doesn't interest me all that much.
I'm more interested in a man that is kind.
Like somebody that would help a dog in distress.
Well, hell, just yesterday, I saved 15 raccoons by giving them mouth-to-mouth
'cause they was choking on garbage and stuff.
Heck, I'll save anybody.
Especially you, Brandy.
You know, 'cause I am armed!
A-R-M-D right there.
Well, it was nice meeting you, Mr. Dirt.
Yeah, later, Dirt.
Jimmy, would you like some ice cream? Why, hells to the yes. Get on in there!
And that was it.
I missed my destiny.
Just like that it was all gone.
I'm sorry, Joe. I really am.
Thanks for listening. I appreciate it.
Right now you're probably the only friend I have.
There's my bus!
Wow, where's the fire, lady?
He got kicked to the curb!
Joe Dirt fucked up a couple things.
Damn, she just left him.
That boy was left with nothing.
But, you know, last time all he had was his freedom.
And you know what freedom is.
Just another word for nothing left to lose.
Look at you all growed up and being Starsky and Putz!
I had a cousin named Randy.
But much like Ned Beatty braced against the shale wall in Deliverance, this time he's got shit tons to lose.
But, come on, it's Joe Dirt. There's always one more ace up his wife-beater.
Let's pick this story back up.
Get out of the road!
Hey, dude. Where'd you come from? You scared the crap out of me.
Looks like you've just completely given up, huh, Joe?
Look out... Man, that car just drove through you!
Like a car driving through you. Are you some sort of ghost or something?
Ghost-like. Yeah, check this out. Put your hand right here. Just touch it.
No, that's your private parts, man.
Private, but you're invited. Go ahead. Put it right there.
It'll go right through me. I won't even feel it. I won't even feel it. Go ahead.
Really? All right, I ain't being fruity. Yeah. All right.
That felt nice. No man, don't say that. That's wrong.
You could've bought me dinner first. We just met.
You talk slow, but you move fast.
Yeah, it's like there's a dog whistle in my pants and only you can hear it.
Do it again, one more time, I wanna see if you can get me off again.
No, I didn't get you off, man, I ain't no party boy.
Come on, Joe. I'm just messing with you. I was trying to lighten the mood.
I never figured you for a quitter.
Weren't you the guy who once said, "Life's a garden, dig it?"
Yeah, I also said, "Say it, don't spray it." But that Joe's gone, man.
"Life's a garden, dig it," ain't nothing but a bumper sticker.
Well, don't you think that sometimes bumper stickers have a little bit of truth in them?
Yeah, you know the one that says, "Wrap it in latex, or she'll get your paychecks."
That one's got lots of truth. Yeah. Sure.
Sure, and then I remember that one that said "Coexist."
Yeah, that's not as funny.
And then they took the coexist and they changed it to "Joe-exist" to put his hands on dick.
Come on, Joe. I want you to come with me. I want to show you something.
I wanna take you to Silvertown.
Silvertown? No way, man. That place is 1,000 miles away. Literally and finger...
Were you going for "Figuratively"?
'Cause I know that you were just going for some homo action in my pants just a minute ago.
Joe, when you're with me Silvertown is just a second away.
Wait a second, is this Silvertown?
Man, it's all gone to hell. What happened?
You didn't happen, Joe. It all went to hell.
Although, my guess is you would have rather had it go to the Thunder Down Under.
The Thunder Down Under show? That's a bunch of dudes dancing around.
Why do you keep saying crap like that?
You couldn't wait to get your hand on my dick.
And I get it, you know, we all want what we can't have.
You want to touch what's on the other side of the light, and the closest thing to you was my dick.
But you wanted to wear it like a fucking wristwatch, which would be great, right? Then you could say, "What time is it? It's 15 minutes to dick."
Snapper, 11 o'clock.
I'd drink a gallon of her piss just to see where it came from.
That's nice. Yeah, yeah.
I've got Brandy, she's my girl, and I don't...
But I guess, what they say you know, "You're on a diet don't mean you can't look at the menu."
Just because you're petting the dog don't mean you can't have sex with it.
Right? I don't know.
You're creeping me out. You're so creepy. You're so creepy.
My dick had you at hello and now you're talking about having sex with animals and shit.
I don't get you.
No, dude. Okay, you're twisting things around.
I just said Silvertown looks way different, but I didn't say sex with animals, that don't turn me on, man, that's...
That's weird stuff, I mean...
Maybe Jessica Rabbit...
It's not called Silvertown anymore. Jimmy Yauch bought this joint, changed its name to Jimmy Town.
What? Dude, why would he do that?
Well, he got rich, Joe. He got rich as hell.
But all he does anymore is sit around and pop Molly cut with ketamine and shit.
Trip his balls off.
Joe, about what happened back there, you know when you fisted me?
I don't want things to get weird between the two of us.
But if I could just be serious for a second, "What do balls taste like?"
You know, did you go to guardian angel school?
Because I feel like maybe you flunked out.
Hey! Hey, you little punks!
Come back here!
Third time this week kids have ripped me off.
This used to be a town for families, community.
I don't know, the last few decades, hell, something's gone missing. It's like... Well, it's like the glue is gone.
Someone stole Silvertown's glue?
Wait, is that one of them metaphors you talked about?
Who are you talking to? Oh, sorry, man. This here is Clair.
He can't see me, Joe.
For Christ's sake, kids ripping off comic books, assholes standing around talking to themselves. It's all just bullshit!
Joe? Brandy's just outside of town.
Brandy lives here?
This don't seem like her kind of place at all.
Well, these days this is her kind of place.
Her life went down a different path on the day that she didn't meet you.
She's changed. I mean, she is still cute as a little puppy.
If that little puppy had great tits and a nice ass.
It's like diarrhea, I can't stop. You should see for yourself, though.
Hey, man, how did you do that?
Well, because I'm an angel, you moron!
Joe, I want you to find Brandy. Okay.
You hear that? It's poetry.
Brandy finally gave me the gift I knew she always had to give.
All the great words.
The great magical turns of a phrase.
That lives within me now and informs my music.
It's all because of her. So you know what I'm thinking?
You all want to get wasted?
Yeah! Get real wasted, real fast!
Yeah! Party like a rock star?
Well, all right!
Here's what I'm thinking, tampons!
Come on, man, hear me out, man.
You soak them in vodka, and then we shove them straight up our asses.
No, no, it will get you hammered ASAP, man.
Mark McGrath does it every night.
I don't know. That seems weird, a little.
Do you guys question the iPhone?
Well, yeah, but this seems different than an iPhone.
You can't compare an iPhone with a tampon.
Stop being such a bunch of pussies now! I demand you to stop being pussies.
Now start to soaking and get to shoving!
Or you're out of my entourage! All of youse!
Keep soaking and shoving. Soak and shove.
I want to hear you boys say it now. Soak and shove.
You better be right about that.
All right. Oh, yeah.
It's hard to get in there, boss.
Don't worry about it, man. Just keep shoving, it will get there. It will get there.
How are you doing, Cal?
Eight, nine, 10...
Oh, yeah, 14! These things are going up, like, easy-peasy.
What do you say? What? Who said that?
What are you saying? I thought I was eating them?
I thought you said eat them? He wasn't eating them, man.
You said eat them. I had, like, 14.
I was eating them. They taste like cotton candy.
Wait a minute, did you say butt, man?
Oh, my God, Jimmy. He was putting them up his butt.
This guy! This guy was putting them up his butt.
What an idiot! What an idiot!
They all went up your butt, Cal. I seen them all go up your butt.
No. No! This sucks!
No! I'm done with this party! You suck, Jimmy!
No, you don't suck. You're great, man. I love you. You're awesome. You're the best.
You're the best. He sucks!
No, I'm out. This is terrible.
Dude, stay! Stay! Stay! Hey! Jimmy, this is stupid.
No, Jimmy. What a dumb idea!
Jimmy, we got a situation out here.
Come on, man. We're doing a science experiment here.
Yeah, but there's this guy out here.
Look, man. We caught this dude without an invitation.
You want me to throw his ass out?
I know you, right? You know me, yeah!
It's Joe Dirt. Jimmy, I can't believe you're such a huge star.
This big house, man.
It seems like just yesterday we was hanging out at the gas station...
Now, hold up a second. I ain't never hung out with nobody named Joe Dirt.
And I ain't about to start right now.
You know, I think I confused you for somebody.
Yeah, I think you did.
Hey, get this boy a drink. Maybe clear his head up a little bit.
Nah, man, I'm cool. No, you ain't.
Dang, I walk into that every time.
Hey, is Brandy around?
What did you say? Is Brandy here?
Oh, you asking about Brandy now?
You coming up in my house, actin' all buddy-buddy like, and now you're hitting on my wife?
No, I didn't mean...
Your wife? Brandy's not your...
Oh, my God! When you took my place on the porch, saving Charlie's balls, that's right.
Wait a minute.
You're that dude that walked up on me and Brandy that night on the porch when I was saving that stupid mutt, or something like that.
And you was talking about, "Oh, Brandy, I love you.
"I got so much money it's coming out of my butt."
It's no wonder Colt Ford wrote a song about you.
Colt Ford wrote a song about me?
Yeah, man. The Ballad of Joe Dirt.
And here you are, stupid mullet, stupid face and all of that.
Lookey here, lookey here!
Hey, Jimmy, ain't you just say you married to Brandy now?
She does her thing, I do my thing. That's the way that thing goes.
How you doing? Where are your friends at?
Have you seen the Jacuzzi yet? You're going to love it.
Come on now. You got a twin sister?
How do I light this? This way, babe.
You do it.
This way, silly.
Hey! I remember you.
You're that rich guy.
You were going to help me with Charlie when he was stuck.
Yeah. Until Jimmy beat you to it, and helped me instead.
Might have been the last time Jimmy helped me with anything.
Look, it's the moron with the Tennessee top hat.
Tennessee top hat.
That's actually a good one, fellas. I had not heard that one before.
They've got some new stuff. Oh, yeah?
I bet you never heard that you're a winner, either!
Jimmy would have liked that one!
I love Jimmy!
Where is Jimmy?
Forget about Jimmy, baby.
You're with me now. Katrina, you're so sweet.
You're such a good friend to me. Oh, yeah.
You look so hot tonight, Brandy.
Doesn't she look hot, boys? Yeah!
I don't think she looks that hot.
I mean, she's gorgeous, but that's not the Brandy I'm used to. You don't look like that.
I mean, you look slutty hot, and that's good.
Slutty hot is good, it's just not the regular hot.
But believe me, there's a place for slutty hot, guys like that.
But Brandy isn't that kind of hot, you're innocent, sweet hot.
I mean, sluts are great. You know what? I'm digging a hole. I can get out of it.
Brandy, what's been happening in Silvertown?
Brandy's been happening.
Oh, boy, I didn't think those M's was ever going to stop.
This girl's got more M's than M&M's.
No laughs. Absolutely zero.
When Jimmy's here you laugh at everything...
He cuts a fart, everyone cracks up for two hours.
This town is called Jimmy Town now.
My husband renamed it. I kind of miss the old name.
And all that came with it.
I'd like to be all that came with it to you.
Katrina, that tickles.
Jimmy will get mad. He always gets mad.
No, he'll just grab a camera and pop a rod.
You're just a lost little girl, Brandy.
I didn't used to be.
I used to be a strong, independent woman.
I don't know what happened to me.
It could be the heroin. Heroin, man?
What's going on in this town? It's all mixed up.
I don't know what is and isn't mixed up anymore.
You're so deep, Brandy.
You like when I do this to you, don't you?
I bet you're wearing those silk little panties I bought for you, ain't you?
Don't say ain't or your mother will faint.
Your father will fall into a bucket of paint. Your father will fall into a bucket of paint.
Wow. You and me.
We have a connection, Joe Dirt.
We used to always say that.
I say it all the time to our kids... To my kids.
Kiss me, Brandy. Like you mean it, girl.
Don't be halfway with me no more, Brandy.
Okay, that's it. Show's over, everybody. Stop it right there, that's enough.
What are you doing? What the hell?
What are you, queer?
Brandy, in another life we get married, we fall in love.
We have three beautiful kids, Cheyenne, Abilene and Dakota.
Those are such sweet names.
Well, that's because you picked them.
I picked dumb names. Stay on topic, Joe.
Man, you scare me because you come out of nowhere sometimes.
Tell her. Tell her what you've learned.
Tell her how you feel now. Okay.
I think I got it.
Who's he talking to? I don't know.
All right, Brandy. Me and you was together.
And everything was going great, and we was really happy.
And then something terrible happened, and I got taken away from you and the kids, and then now, I think I'm sent back to learn a lesson that if I have money... What the hell!
Come on! Damn it, Joe, you still don't get it?
Look, they told me you were dumb, but it's almost like you're an
"I'm joking" kind of dumb. Look, I give up here.
I guess I'm not going to get my wings and I'm never going to hear that beautiful sound.
Well, you hear a certain kind of clang when an angel gets its wings. Whatever.
I, look... Oh, wait.
When an angel gets its wings? That's from a movie or something, like a TV show?
Shut up, dude!
You're seriously bumming out the vibe in this room.
Brandy here had a monsoon in her panties, thinking about me.
And then you walk in here not remembering lines from It's a Wonderful Life.
I'm trying to get down, and you're getting me down.
Look, this is just too confusing.
I've had too much to drink.
I got to go.
I got to go. Let me... Can I talk...
What did you do?
Brandy, I think I know what I'm supposed to know now.
I'm going to be different!
I don't know what you're saying, just please stop.
I'm married to Jimmy.
But he doesn't feel like he's married to me.
My life feels like it is spinning out of control.
Goodbye, Joe Dirt.
Well, that went great.
I don't know what's going on anymore, man. I don't know what I'm supposed to learn.
Well, you're not very bright.
Come on, I ain't no toaster scientist.
What am I supposed to learn? I bench 150 on a good day.
The fact that I'm supposed to memorize a spark-plug gap on a Plymouth 383?
I don't know. I just want my old life back.
150's not that great.
Hey, wait, you're that woman that yelled at me on the bus bench.
That's right. You fart-eater.
I'm the good witch. I'm the one that sent this hunky angel to you.
No offence, Clair. No offence? Really? Okay.
He's like that angel that saved that cracker-ass Jimmy Stewart.
And helped that white, racist-ass town.
Tell me something, how come they don't ever have any angels to save a black town?
You don't think black towns could use some help once in a while?
You ever seen Detroit? That town is sucking some misery dick.
How come them bitches in Hollywood don't throw us a bone every once in a while?
Wait a second, you're the good witch?
Well, maybe you should work on your, like, presentation, because it comes off a little rough around the edges.
But I have to say, ma'am, with all due respect, this is who I am. I'm Joe Dirt.
Okay? And I'm fine with it.
I'm not mean to other people like you are.
In fact, I made some money with this guy, Clem, and if you need it for that city, Detroit, then you could have it all to help them. I don't care.
Because I thought it was about being rich, and showing my family I had a lot of money, and being famous like Lynyrd Skynyrd, but that don't matter.
It's about me being me. Just me.
And I'm okay with that.
And they're okay with that.
Well I'll be dipped in shit. Holy hell, he gets it.
What? What happened?
You got it, Joe Dirt.
You learned your lesson. Yeah, you're going home, Joe.
You're going home. You know...
I was Foggle, did you know that?
You was Foggle? Wait, you're both sort of, like, homophobic.
Maybe, yeah, I see it.
Well, I was acting, and I made some interesting choices.
Well, a little big at first, but I thought I reeled him in. I had to be convincing.
Those guy would have raped me... Oh, fuck that acting shit!
This boy's going home.
Click those boots together, Joe Dirt, you know what to say.
I just say, "There ain't no place like home"?
Joe, I want to thank you for giving my wings.
You got your wings?
I did. Well, I'm going to get them now.
Am I supposed to hear a clang? You will.
You're the most handsomest man that I have ever seen.
Your dance with Joe Dirt is done.
Life's a garden, dig it.
When are you coming back?
Home is where you make it. You like to see homos naked?
No, no, no, no. Home is where you make it.
Ain't nothing like home. Ain't nothing like home.
Joe! Wake up!
Is this a dream?
Is this a dream again?
No, it's real! Get over here. Come on!
Where have you guys been?
I missed you! Look at you, huh?
Hey! Hey, baby.
I think it's good. Oh, my God!
I know, I gotta get 'em. Get his stick!
Come on, you little hicks.
So that is the whole story, it's crazy.
Joe, we love you just the way you are.
We do, Daddy!
We love you!
We wouldn't trade you for any other Daddy in the whole wide world.
Did you practice that? It sounds too good.
Hold up, hold up.
Wait a second, this looks familiar.
There's no way.
That was all a dream. It doesn't matter, never mind.
What is it, Daddy?
Babe, we're rich.
Rich? Why, you've always been rich, Joe Dirt.
You just needed to find that out for yourself.
Daddy and Mommy!
Mommy likes me. Come on, let's go.
Come on, babies.
He's got a backhoe it's Caterpillar yellow He's a Heller of a feller a drinking storyteller, with a DUI He's illegal to drive But he legally drinks and gets illegally high One night, while he's up in the sky he looked at that backhoe, asked himself
I'm going to drive that thing It's a loophole, man, the DUI don't pertain I'm only driving to the bar down on Main Street Now he's digging Got a hot little honey hanging out of that cab Just digging Got the windows tinted and a bass tune hitting Digging!
Creeping past the Po-Po, incognito Like Joe Dirt, that's how he's living Life's a garden, man and he's just digging
Wearing a cat hat with a meow-meow kitty Rolls up in the club, pimpin' like Diddy With the beer tipping Just sippin' on suds Putting shots back and tripping with his buds No, thank you.
Old comic books in mint condition for 10 cents apiece.
Well, long story short, we stomped those three dudes so hard they got to take their boots off to piss.
Anyway, this... Motherfucker!
What, is it 2015? Oh, my God.
I thought I had this turned off. This is embarrassing.
Joe, I want to talk to you.
I like you. You have funny hair, but I like you.
Hey, funny guy.
As a matter of fact, if you want to stay awake right now, you'll still be on the road, in the middle of nowhere.
Your call. REM.
That's so stupid.
No, thank you.
Man, old comic books in mint condition for 10 cents apiece.
You give old Joe Dirt lemonade, he's gonna give you... Fuck you!
One more, then I gotta go to lunch.
Wait, you're twisting stuff. Like I say something, and then you say it back different.
You're supposed to be a nice guardian angel, like...
I don't picture people like you.
Anyway, I don't get horny by... Let's go.
I don't get horny... I'm gonna get it out.
I don't get horny from animal sex. But I like Jessica Rabbit.
Really? She's fuckable, yeah.
I kind of get a gay vibe from you. Yeah, I've heard that.
Can someone open this for me?
Did somebody fart on this?
What did I do?
What? Those two farts were accidents. Wait. No. What?
"Wait. No. What?"
What? I have a medical condition. They did it on purpose.
Fine. I don't even work here.
Stuff you actually made up to sound cool because you were on shrooms, but actually makes you sound like a dipshit.
So I'm gonna say no.
Hey, John. I'm up here at Load C. Some asshole went diarrhea all over the seat.
Copy that. When can you start?
Laugh like me. Okay.
All right. We're good? Okay.
That's it. Cut. That's a cut.