Joe Somebody (2001) Script


Hi! How are you?

Welcome to "Bring Your Daughter To Work Day" here at STARKe Pharmaceutical.

Very nice. Very nice. Home movies and, uh, family photos.

That's... nice. It's novel.

Pat, this is just a first cut, of course. You know, it's...

So, I was wondering how next month's Good Chemistry video is coming along.

Um... I can have it by Thursday. Ooh, Pagel wants a look by Wednesday.

Gee, Wednesday would be... Perfect! Gotta run!

That-that... This might be a good time for you and I to talk about that promotion of mine.

Or those basketball tickets?

All right. We'll do it some other time.

Okay, then.


Hey, let me give you a hand with this. Just hand me your staple gun.

The... what? The staple gun.

It's right behind you. Oh! Staple gun.

Thank you. You are really saving me here.

You're welcome. You know, I love this whole "Choose Happiness" thing.

Yeah. It's, uh, based on the classic philosophical concept that happiness is a choice, not a condition.

Maybe they're getting it on a subliminal level.

It's Joe, isn't it? Joe... Scheffer.

Yeah. Meg Harper.


You did that great video for my department last summer.

I know...

It actually, um... it made me cry.

Why? Cause it was so...

... bad? No, not-not at all. Because it was so good!


How have you been, Joe? I got a divorce, actually.

Oh. Oh!

I'm so sorry. No, no. That's okay.

You all right? Yeah. You know, it's-it's weird.

No, yeah, but I'm doin' great. I stay busy.

During the week, it's all about my daughter Natalie. She's 12.

And on weekends, schedule's totally whacked. I work out all the time.

Me too! I got concerts, plays... Uh...

I hike now. Got some Vibram sole boots.

I do a little trekkin'. I travel extensively.

Well, sounds like you win. I dance!

Oh. Yeah.

Not professionally, mind you, but I do go to clubs with other... others.

Look, geez, Joe, get off your ass and do something!

I'm-I'm thinkin' about getting a pilot's license. I was kidding.


I'm not gonna take lessons. Not gonna fly. I was joking too.

Hey, um, you know what? I should buy you an almond-spiced latte.

It's the least I can do for helping me with this... this whole... with the banner.

I got this work to do. I-I should just finish my lunch.

I understand completely.

Okay? Okay.

Volomin, from STARKe Pharmaceuticals.

Making you better than you really are.

Possible side effects may include depression, general discomfort, headaches, blurred or distorted vision, loss of balance, dry mouth, numbness, periodontal disease, lockjaw, tremors, heart palpitations, varicose veins, liver damage, kidney failure, loss of taste, loss of smell, loss of sight, early Alzheimer's, cardiac arrest, and in extremely rare cases... death.

Volomin. Making you better than you really are.


Hey, Nat!

Hi, dad!

Yeah! Oh! Mmm.

Did you have fun?

Weekend from hell.

They took me to another silly-ass hippie restaurant.

With the most absurd one-man play ever produced.


Dad! Just find an alternative.


Everything on the menu was made with curd.

Curd this, curd that. I mean, I ordered a hamburger, and I got a ten-minute lecture on animal rights from the waitress.

And the guy in the play was half naked.

What? Which half? Dad!

Did you get the T-Wolves tickets?

No, I-I-I didn't this time. You know, the list for company tickets is real long.

And, you know, I'm gonna get a promotion... Dad!

The best view is on TV anyway.

Rick's here.

Mah, mah, mah, hah-mah. Hah-mah, may, mee, mo, moo.

Hey! There he is. Hah. Hah-hah-mah.

You become a farmer?

No, Joe, I'm an actor dressed as a farmer for an audition.

Sorry. Come on, Nat, let's go.

Hah, yah, yah, yah.

Hey, Joe. Hi, Callie.

We had a great weekend. Did she tell you about the play?

Yeah. The actors were naked.

So were the ushers. They were not!

Callie, "Beauty and the Beas"t is in town. What's the matter with that?

Joe, we're just trying to expose Natalie to serious theater.

Bye, sweetie. Here's for lunch today, okay? Ooh-ahh.

Thanks, mom.


I love your hair down. So sexy.

Stop. Really? So soft.

We should probably get going.

Come on, dad. Bye, Joe.

Bye. See you next weekend, sweetie.

We're gonna see an authentic Indonesian dance troupe.

It's a dream come true, mom.


Why do I have to spend weekends with them?

Can't we just drive by every Saturday and wave?

Your mom's a little eccentric. Think of her as an exotic flower.

And that made you what? Dirt? Nat, she's your mom.

So... let's get started on this "Take Your Daughter to Work"thing.

I'm supposed to interview you, and then write a report for school.

All right, let 'er rip.

Okay. Uhh...

Did you always know you wanted to be a video communications specialist?

Actually, at first I wanted to be Batman.

But he had no powers. And Aquaman... I don't like water.

So Spider-Man. That's what I always wanted to be.

Come on, dad, this is supposed to be serious. Natalie, I really don't know what to say.

Um, I have a really great job.

But to be honest, it's not the job that I've always dreamt about having.

I thought you wanted to be a writer. You're the writer, okay?

Dad, I've read your play ten times. It's amazing! How come you only wrote one?

Writing was a dream I had when I was a kid. And then I grew up.

But dreams are important to hold on to! Come on!

You're gonna be a great writer. You have that special spark.

I know that, but that spark is gonna go out unless you write. Now write this. Write, write.

Hey, watch it, ass... guy.

Nice save.

You all right? Yeah, I'm fine.

What's his hurry? He's just a lunatic.

It's so crowded. I think they manufacture people here.

Below, in the basement, they make people.

Look, look, look, look, look. Oh, wait, she's pullin' out.

Hey! That guy's an ass-wipe! Natalie.

Sorry. I meant "ass-guy".

That's Mark McKinney. He's a seven-year employee.

Wh-wh-what's he doing in the ten-year lot?

Maybe he's gonna stand around for another three years.

No, he's not. I'll be right back.

Excuse me. Mark? Yeah.

Yeah... This is a... a-a ten-year lot.

And... you're not a ten-year associate, are you?

You're kiddin', right? No.

No, no, no, this is actually the ten-year lot.

And, uh, this is the last space, and if I don't park here, my... my daughter and I will have to come way over from the west lot.

You actually brought your daughter to work...


I thought only the mothers were doin' that.

I'd just appreciate it if you'd park someplace else.

You know what I think, um...

What's your name again? Joe Scheffer. I work in the Communication...

You know what I think, Joe? I think walkin' from the west lot is probably better than gettin' your ass kicked in front of your little girl. Dont' you?

W-wait a minute, wait a minute! Are you.. are you like threatening to hit me?

Tell you what, Joe. Uh-huh.

I'm gonna give you to five to get back into your car.

No. I'm not gonna... No.

No. No, look, this is the ten-year lot. One...

Do you have any idea of the crap... Two...

... I've been through to earn that little piece of black... Oh!

Daddy! Daddy! Stay in the car! Sta in th car.

Turn around, and get back in your car.

That's my space! Oh! Daddy!

Daddy! Daddy!

Leave 'im alone, dirtbag! Don't call anyone a dirtbag.

Daddy, are you okay? I'm good.

You're bleeding. So this I just tripped.

I'm okay. Let's go. Let's go.

I think maybe I'm just gonna take you to school.

Hi. You've reached the Scheffers.

Wait for the beep.

Dad, pick up.

Dad, it's been two days.

Hey! Dad?

Are you okay?

Yeah, I'm... I'm great. You don't sound great.

Mom and Rick have friends over for yoga.

So I can.... I-I-I can sneak out and be home in no time.

No, no. No, Nat. Um, I got, um...

Friends from, uh... We got a bunch...

- We're gonna edit... Dad, just tell me something.

Is it you don't wanna see me? Or is it you don't want me to see you?

Yes to the... the second one.

Dad, please just let me come over, just for a little while. It's okay. Everything's all right.

I'm just... I'm just sittin' here drowning my sorrows in a... a quart o' Ben and Jerry's Chunky Monkey.

So, let's see.

Either you're lying or you've grown an ovary.

How old are you again?

Dad, I'm scared.

What are you scared of?

I'm not sure. I just... just miss you.

It's gonna be okay, Natalie, I promise. It's gonna be fine.

Okay. Your turn.

What are you scared of?

Disappearing, I think.

Hang on a second! Hang on.


Are you smoking?

Please. Like the coordinator of the company wellness program would smoke!


You should've come with me to the Human Resources Conference.

Hawaii... It was... It was amazing. I brought you a little... something.

"George Kahumoku, Jr. Sings Hawaiian Love Songs."

You don't have it, do you? No.

So, so, I-I'm gone for three days and employees are fighting like, uh, schoolkids in the parking lot.

I mean this McKinney, I know everybody hates that, uh, big jerk. But this Joe, uh, Shepherd guy...

Scheffer. Scheffer. Yeah.

Joe Scheffer.

He did the video for the wellness program last year.

Remember? Oh, he's the A-V guy.

Video communications specialist. Ooh! Well, that's... that's very different then.

Actually, Jeremy, he's a good guy.

I ran into him the other day. He's quiet, hard-working...

Maybe a little shaky right now. He's going through a divorce.

Oh. It's really sad actually.

He kept telling me how great...

Any work-related problems prior to the incident?

Well, he was promised a promotion almost a year ago, and never happened.

So, basically, he's a schmuck.

The guy's a devoted father, a hard worker with nothing but positive reviews.

That makes him a schmuck?

Well, his wife left him. He was passed over for a promotion and he just got bitch-slapped in the company parking lot.

I'm gonna go with... yeah.

So, what are we doin' about it?

Well, "we" have left him several messages. I'm waiting...

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. That's not enough. It's been three days.

Meg, we're under review. The efficiency Nazis are all over us.

Employees fighting in the parking lot sort of... undercuts the-the company wellness program, if you know what I mean.

Do you think I'm not doing my job properly? It doesn't matter what I think.

But what if he decides to sue? What if he... sues the living daylights outta the company for, uh, failure to create a safe work environment, or, uh, uh, emotional distress? I mean...

But-but you and me, Meg... Megs, we're on the same... page.

We're the A-Team. We can make this go away. I know we can.

I'll call him again. No, no, no, no. That time has passed.

You go get Joe Schlepper. Joe Scheffer.

Joe Scheffer.

Go get him? Go get him.

At his house? At his house.

Go get him...

Go get 'im at his house and bring im back to work. I know you can do it.

Megs? Yeah?

Yeah, go get 'im. Yeah.


Hi, Joe.

Have you, uh, you left the house at all in the past three days?

I had some cleaning to do. Mm-hm. I can see that.

Is that, uh...? It's bleach, huh?

It's the only thing that really gets the stains out.


Would you hold that for a minute? Sure. Um... Joe.

We'd really like for you to come back to work.

You and I can work through this thing together.

Do you think this will dry darker than the rest of the ceiling?

No, I think... If this dries darker than the rest, then I'm gonna notice there's a stain up here.

I'm always gonna look at this stain right here.

I'd have to paint the whole ceiling. I might as well do that right now.

Joe... Joe... Joe, could you please slow down for a minute?

I would really like to talk to you about this.

What's... in the bag, Joe? Is that bottles? No.

Oh! I'm gonna need more bleach.

I would really like to help you.

Please... Joe.

He took something from me.

Your parking space.

But it's not exactly your parking space that he took, now, is it, Joe?

Yes, it is. It's exactly that. It's my parking space. That's what it is.

How 'bout when you come back to work, we give you an assigned space, huh?

I can't go back. Why not, Joe?

Would you mind not saying my name so much?

Maybe you could just come in for a couple of hours...

I'm sorry... I can't.

McKinney's been suspended, Joe. You said my name again.

Fine! Okay, fine. I-I will never say your name again... ever.

Look, McKinney's not coming back for a few weeks, Joe.

And then he has to attend my five-step anger diffusion workshop called "RELAX".

That stands for... Releasing... It doesn't matter.

No. Uh, Regulating Emotional Levels And... "X." What the hell is "X"?

I'm not comin' back. Do you think...

... that you could not...

It just doesn't matter what you say. Oh, geez! What do you want?


I'm sorry.

Did you say "What do you want?"

I'm-I'm taking this too personally.

Things have been really difficult in our department, and I need...

What do I want?

I need you to come back.



You're having a panic attack.

Joe, do you know what that means?

It... sounds... pretty self-explanatory.

Okay. It's just, um... It's a chemical misfire.

You're not dying, Joe. Ten years in a goddamn cubicle.

And then you wake up one day, and then...

And I don't have a place to park.

What can I do for you, Joe?


Zylol... From STARKe Pharmaceuticals.

For the best you can be.

Possible side effects may include nausea, drowsiness, dry throat, cough, unexpected gas...

What... do... you... want?

Okay. Now what do you want?


God, tell me you didn't bleach yourself.

Just the shirt. Coffee?

Thank you. You're welcome.

Joe, have you ever heard of manic depression?



See, this... This is way out of my league.

And, um, what I do have, though, is the number of a great psychiatrist.

No, I'm cured!

Okay, right. She's probably in the office this morning...

Meg! Oh, this is... You cured me! I cured you?

Yes! When you asked me that question that scared me so much that I almost passed out.

For the first time since I can remember, I have an answer. I know what I want!

And it's all thanks to you. Excellent.

I am gonna kick Mark McKinney's ass! Yeah!

You gotta be kidding.

I know, it sounds crazy, but I think he really wants to do it.

You mean Scheffer's gonna... come back for seconds?

McKinney smacked 'im all over the parking lot, for Christ sakes.

Well, that's sensitive. I'm sensitive.

I like herbal tea and Deepak Chopra and people who come back to work.

He's gonna come to his senses, right, Meg? He's not gonna fight.

Meg! Besides, it's not like he knows where McKinney lives.

Damn it!

You don't have a gun, do you?

I didn't come over here to shoot you.

Well, if you're here to threaten a lawsuit, my attorney tells me I can keep you tied up... I'm not here to sue ya.

You took something of mine. I want it back.

When your suspension's over, I wanna fight you again.

You're all hopped up on samples, aren't ya?

What are you on? Zylol? Volomin?

I'm not on anything! I just know what I want.

I want a rematch.

Oh, my God.


Oh, look. Low blow. Low blow.

What are you, like 12?

The guy's gonna hit you back. He's got arms!

What are you doin' here? Don't you have school today?

I needed to see you.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Okay. I wanna see you too.

We gotta get you back to school. Dad, I really wanna talk about this!

You know that big jerk took it easy on you, right?

What makes you think he won't kill you this time, huh?

Dad! You made your point.

Good. Now, it's my turn.

I don't want you skipping school anymore.

Just biology lab. I can make it up. It's not just a biology lab.

It's a choice that'll affect the rest of your life.

First you skip biology.

Then you don't get in the right college, then you end up in a dead-end job...

And then you're a middle-aged guy fighting in the parking lot at work, hm?

Miss Scheffer, you missed fourth period again.

Funny thing.

You might have gotten away with it if not for these little disappearances.

Gotten away with? Blending in.

Could you get to the point? Could you sit up?

Go on!

Hiding in the back of the classroom, not speaking up. What, just skating by?

Is this about my grades? Yes, it is.

I just pulled your elementary school records. What did I find?

Straight A's right down the line, baby girl.

Advanced courses in math and English.

Still tryin' to find the art fair, spelling bee or writing competition you didn't win?

I was an over-achiever. I'm settling into my natural groove now.

But you just couldn't "vanilla down" the writing, could you?

In my 15 years as a counselor, I have never seen writing like yours from a 12-year-old.

Look at me.

Now, I understand you were invited to write for the theater club and you said no.

What are you afraid of? Dogs. Not all dogs...

How are things at home, Natalie?

See you, Meg. Bye.

Hey, Neva. Meg...

Who's in there? Joe Scheffer.

Really? Everybody is talking about this thing.

It is all over campus. Thanks.

There are plenty of people I'd like to... slap around.

We all have those feelings, Joe, but we suppress them.

Then we go home and we drink. That's what separates us from the animals.

That and cable.

Hi. Hi.

What's going on?

Joe here issued a physical challenge to Mark McKinney.

But now, now, he's come to his senses. Yeah, yeah, right, Joe?


I can see how goin' to his house was a mistake.

Whoa. And I probably stepped over the line.

And how do I know he didn't go easy on me the first time?

That's right. We can fix this, Joe. We-we can fix this.

Let's just get Mark on the phone and put an end to this nonsense right now.

What do you... what do you say?

You okay? Yeah, I...

I could, uh, use a drink actually.


Water. Scotch and water.

Just water.


Um, there's a water cooler just down the hall.

Yeah, I-I'll get it. And I'll be... I'll be back.

You're Joe Scheffer, right? Right.

We just wanted to say hello. Dan Lasky. Hi, Dan.

And I'm Abby. Hi, Abby.

Been waiting for three years for someone to drop that jerk.

Wh-wh-whoa. Hey, everybody.

This is my hero. Kick his butt, Joe.

Really. Kick his butt.


Joe Scheffer. Huh?

Yeah! This is the man!

All right, look out now.

Cade Raymond. Cade, how are you doin'?

Good, good. You know what?

I'm calling your fight "The Thrilla in Vanilla".


Get it? No.

Couple suburban white guys...

Huh? Oh, yeah.

Hey, Joe?

You like squash? With butter and brown sugar? You bet!

Because I need a partner tomorrow at 5 o'clock.

Oh, squash squash! You know. Up at Club 13.

Club 13. You never been up there.

You know, I get busy downstairs. Joe, my man.

We've got to fix that. Huh?

You're kiddin'. You can play, right?

Yeah. Cool, cool. 5 o'clock.

Right. You the man.

You the man! Yeah.

I got my money on Joe Scheffer.


Great. Uh, uh, Mark, Joe's here now.

Oh, all right, I get it.

You wanna back out. Probably wanna be best friends.

Mark, what I want is for you to remember the fight.

Right? Three weeks, the ten-year parking lot at 8:00 a.m.

You got it? Bring it on.

No, no, no, Mark? Mark? Mark? Wow.

You comin' or goin', dude?

I was just driving by... to take, you know... You know, to-to find out, well, more, um...

Somethin' bad happen to ya? No, no, no, no, no.

I-I thought it just is... a great time for me to take a... a self-defense class.

You got your ass kicked, huh? Who told you?

You didn't read about it in the paper? What?

Front page. Daily Wuss.

Come on. Guys who get their asses kicked, that's 90% of my business. Come on.

Come on.

Is this you? Yeah.

"Maximum Punishment."

That looks good.

No, Maximum Punishment was watching the damn thing.

"Tom Sawyer"? Loose adaptation.

Tom played a rival ninja. I killed 'im.

What happened? I don't know.

The producer had foreign distribution. 35% he'd charge.

"Oh, I need the money for my wife! I have a house in Las Brisas."

No, no, no, I mean, you know. What happened?


Come on, I wanna hear a really sad story.


I, um... I got beat up in front of my 12-year-old daughter and a bunch of coworkers.


Yeah. I was really hoping to give a shit.


What? You got your ass kicked.

Now you wanna get all Bruce Lee and stuff. You're losin' me.

Hey, I-I didn't come over here to have my angst reviewed by some has-been movie star.

Ooh! "Angst reviewed", "movie star" in the same sentence.

You must be very proud of yourself... for a man who just got made into a wimp in front of his daughter.

Why don't you just shut up?

Why don't you come over here and make me?


Come on.

I figure I got it comin'. You don't think I'll do it, do you?

Geez, I'm sorry.

I'm really torqued, man. I-I-I didn't mean that to hurt.

Are you all right? Take a deep one, man.

That's it. Take it on, just draw it in, dude. You'll be all right, you'll be all right.

Jesus. I'm really sorry, man.

Hey, lemme give you a free lesson, all right?

My way o' saying "Don't press charges".

Mr. Scheffer? Welcome to Club 13.

Follow me.

Did you bring your own equipment? Was I supposed to?

No, not a problem. We've got everything you need.

Great. Load me up.

Holy crap! Dude, the hockey rink's next door.

And, yet, somehow it works for you.

Hey, hey, hey, it's my partner you're talkin' about. Joe Scheffer.

Hey, Cade.

I'm Peter. Hello, Peter.

I'm Peter too. Peter. Two Peters.

Actually, it'd be four peters.

All right, Joe. We're serving. Good, okay.

Over here. Mm-hm. Right. From here in the red thing.

I haven't played since, you know... yesterday.

You okay?

Yeah. Yeah. It's a little longer than I'm used to.

All right.

I think it's dead. That's pretty funny.

Maybe I should serve first.

All right, gentlemen, here we go. Let's get it on.

Okay, that's six-one.

Your Zen approach is really workin'.

Hey, don't be fooled now. First he gets inside your head, then it's all action.

Ow! Ow! Oh!

Ooh! Nice stop, Joe.

You must have balls of steel.

Looks like you need some work on your forehand.

But I do have that "balls of steel" thing goin' on, right?

Scheffer, you are one funny guy.

You think that's funny? Wait till they bill us for that display case.

Come on, let's play.

They're killin' us. All right, Joe. Game point. Let's do this.

Yeah! Whoa-ho!

Did you see that?

Great shot! That was amazing! Good save.

We gotta do this again.

Abby Manheim. Yeah.

It looks I'll be seein' you Friday night. Friday night?

Yeah, we're celebrating Abby's five-year anniversary with the company with a little... karaoke thing. Countin' on you bein' there.

You are? You kiddin' me? You're Joe Scheffer.

And finally, how does it feel... to have created one of the most vibrant theaters in Minnesota?

Suffice it to say, the first time I saw that 118-year-old curtain go up, a curtain went up in my heart.

Thank you so much. Hey, Amy, thanks.

Great to meet you. Thanks.

Hey. Hey.

Well, what's goin' on?

Well, I got a call from Natalie's counselor. Seems our gifted child has been hiding her light under a bushel.

She was asked by the theater club to write a play, and she declined.

What? Wait, wait, wait.

Natalie, what's this about? It's so nothing.

It's so something. And you're gonna do it.

Says who? Says me.

How was I?

When you said the curtain went up in your heart, it was so sexy.

What a line! Was I okay?

Hey, Rick! You mind not doin' that in front o' me? Huh?

Callie, could we talk outside?

So, what is it?

Could you please keep Natalie a little while longer?

Sure. Thanks.

Hey, have you been workin' out?

Um... I played squash with some of the executives at work.

Squash at work!

You? Yeah, me.

Huh. Bye.


I'm ready. I'm very excited.

I-I've given it a lot of thought, and I know exactly what I wanna do to that guy.

New gi?

Yeah. Cool.

Okay. I wanna psyche the guy out. Okay.

I mean, this is like half mental, right? Yeah.

So we go with Clint Eastwood. That stare o' his.


"You talkin' to me?". I won't say that, but... No, I gotcha, I'm followin' you.

Okay, okay. Then I cut loose. A lot of moves.

You teach me a lot of that... that "Crouching Dragon, Hidden Tiger" stuff, right?


You know, I'm sure the run across the buildings is a bit advanced, we can get to it.

Then go to the Matrix stuff. A lot of movement. A lot of movement!

I mean, this stuff's gotta be unsettling.

And then you go into a pose. Hah!

What do you think?

Well, not good. Why not?

That's why. Okay?

Okay. All right. Let's go.

Look! There's one of my balls.

Feelin' better? Yeah.

All right. We only got two weeks.

So, we're not gonna train you to be a warrior, cause, well... let's face it.

Come on. Let's keep it simple, all right?

Got it? You all right? Uh-huh.

All right.

Now, I want you to show me what this guy did to you.

Okay. Um, let's say you're me. That's where I work. I drove in.

Said "Hey, you can't park there." He said "Yes, I can."

Silent movies, okay, Joe? Let's get right to the action.

Come on. Show me exactly what he did. Here.

Stand there. I'm you. Okay?

You want me to hit you? Well, I want you to try, Beavis.

You're goin' to kick me in the nuts again.

That's it. There you go.

He-he just... It was a quick slap. Okay.

I could've done that, but it was fast. I could hardly see it comin'.

Okay. Look over there.

Wow! I like that! Yeah?

So, it's just hands. Just show me the...

Okay, okay, easy, windmill.


Okay. All right. Try to hit me in the face.

Ready? Yeah.

Okay. Good.

Okay, okay.

All right, crosses... and jabs. Mix it up a little bit. Crosses, jabs.

Now, really try to hit me. Come on.

Ow! Cover your face!

That hurt. Always keep your hand up. Come on.

That hurt! I know it hurt. Cpme on, let's go!

Okay, let's do it again. Does anybody ever come back here?

I could wear that.

That is a ten-year associate's suit.

But you're not a ten-year associate.

You shouldn't be wearin' a suit like this. No, I'm not kidding.

I'd just appreciate it if you'd wear another suit.

Look at me.

Um, tell you what.

I'm-a give you to the count of five, to get out of that suit and get your shiny little blemish-free head back into storage.

One. Two...


I'll take everything I see here.

And if necessary I-I will buy that head.

Joe! Joe! Joe!

Hey, Meg!

Hold up, Meg, Meg! Meg!

Are you leavin' already? Yeah. Yeah.

Looks like you're hangin' with the cool kids now. Nice hair.

You like it? Hm.

Oh, you wanna do something else?

You owe me that almond-spiced latte.

Um, actually I keep pretty early hours.

It's only 20 to 8:00.

I have, uh... extensive grooming rituals. Maybe some other time.

Okay. Some other time.

Some of the best times I've ever had have been... other times.

Yeah. Good night, Joe. Good night.

Good night, Meg.

How 'bout Monday?

What's that?

Monday would be another time.




How you feelin' today? Confident. Very confident.

Still confident? Aw, just kick me in the nuts.

Dude, come on. We're down to ten days.

Let's go to the back.

Come on, come on, come on.

Let's do some evasion. Come on. Come on, come on.

Let's go.

I want you to focus. I want you to hit my chest.

This is a body, not a bag. All right? Now, come on. Give it to me.

Come on, come on. Come on. No. No.

No, no, no, no, no.

You gotta concentrate.

I am concentrated! You put your hands up like that...

Come on! Give it to me! Come on.

Face. Cover the face.

What do I want?

Why don't I just "Buff Up"?

Buff up.

Ain't gonna help.

Checkout lane 22 is now open.

One, two, three, four...


Aw. Excuse me!

Hey. Excuse me. This is the ten-item lane.

You can't stay here. What are you gonna do about it?

He can't stay here, right? This is a ten-item limit.

Huh? Doesn't anybody here care?

This guy has got way more than ten items in his cart.

What are you gonna do about it?

Sir? Sir?

Sir! Can I help you?

No. I got it. Okay.


To you, Monster Man.


What's that? Ah, that's a... high-protein drink.

With candy? For bulk.

So... this is gonna be you, huh?

Eventually it will be.

Dad, fighting that guy is not the answer.

Look, Natalie, as soon as I decided to fight, good things started to happen, with the exception of that protein shake.

Come on, Nat, I want good things to happen to me.


Hi. This is Meg Harper. I'm the wellness coordinator at STARKe.

Oh! You probably want my dad. Yeah, thanks.

Dad! Meg Harper, the STARKe wellness coordinator.

Natalie. Hi, Meg. Hi, Joe. Hi.

Um, look. You... you kinda caught me offguard the other night, and I forgot that I... I sort of... already have a... a thing on Monday night.

Thing? Yeah.

Well, what time's your thing? At 7:00.

But if you wanted to meet me afterwards, um... I don't know.

You could meet me at the St. Agnes Gym in St. Paul, anytime after 9:00, cause by then I should be done with... my thing.

That'll be great. I'll stop by after 9:00.

That's great. Okay. Bye.

You ready? Yeah.

On one. Ready, and...

One, clap. One, clap. Two, clap. Two, clap.

Keep your face covered.


Smokin' Joe! Feelin' good, huh?


Okay, come on, big guy. Come on. Come on, come on.

You all right? No!

Shower? Yeah.

Joe, you look great. Wow!

Hey, Joey. Joe-Joe!

Hi, Pat. Just tryin' to take care of my emails. I got 109 of them today.

Mm. Senor Popular.

Hey, let's take a walk.

Where we goin', Pat? Uh-uh, bear with me.

You've been doing some pretty amazing work lately, Joe.

I have?

Oh, you've really kicked it into the next gear, mister.

Taken it up a notch. That's why it is my pleasure, no... my honor... to promote you!

Ah, not to manager of media services, as you'd hoped.

But all the way to director of internal communications.

That's higher, right? You betcha.

Hey, hey. What's this?

An empty space so close to the building?

Who does it belong to, I wonder?

No. Tah-dah!

Huh? Huh?

Huh? Wow.

Huh? Wow!

I don't know what to say, Pat!

But wait, there's more. How can there be more?

Your own key to the health center, Club 13.

You're official now. Oh, look at that.

And... Timberwolves! Tonight.

Best seat in the house.

No frickin' way. Oh, yes, frickin' way.

Yeah, where's them bosses now, huh?

The Minnesota Timberwolves would like to welcome you to tonight's game between the Los Angeles Lakers and your... Minnesota Timberwolves.

Joe! Joe! Over here!

What a surprise. Hi.

Hey. Aren't these seats great?

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah!

Ladies and gentlemen, Governor Jesse Ventura and the Target Center would like to welcome this evening's Wolf Pack corporate sponsor, STARKe Worldwide Pharmaceuticals.

For the protection of the players and fans, and in the spirit of good sportsmanship...

There we are.

Mah, meh, mi, mo, moo. Moo, maah. Mah, mah, mah.

Does he have to do that all night long?

It's like living with a friggin' cow.

He's an actor. They do that. What'd I miss?

Mom! What? Oh, it just started.

Matos for the Lakers, top of the key, moves it on the wing to Burns.

Oh, my God! That's your father!

... one of the best of the Lakers. Shot in the air is no good.

Rebound's tapped towards the sideline. Ooh!

- Ooh. Reggie Blunt went right into the crowd.

I got the ball. That had to hurt.

Are you okay, Joe?

All right? Yeah. Thanks.

Did your dad get that promotion?

Apparently. Are you all right?

Yeah. Hey, that was one heck of a fall.

Does dad know the Governor?

Careful when you sit there. I don't know.

Mah, mi, meh, moo. Ay-ah, ay-ah, ay-ah.

Ay-ah, ay-ah, ay-ah. Rick!

Put a cork in it. Sorry.

Please. Sorry.

Sor... Sor... Sor...

Oh. She shoots, and... she misses. Oh, okay!

Nice try. Too bad.

And this is gonna tie it up. Bring it on, Wonder Bread.

Did you call me Wonder Bread? Don't be scared of me, Sharone.

I'm not scared o' you. Oh, no? I own you.

Oh! Yes! Yes!

Uh-huh. That was mine. That's right.

So it's true. What's that?

That white girls can't dance. Oh, really, Sharone.

Yeah. That's right.

All right. You guys gotta get outta here, cause I gotta go home. Bye.

Bye. Good job. Nice work, Sharone.

Take some dance lessons.

So, you showed up after all. I left a T'wolf game at halftime.

I had a... a courtside seat.

Well, let's see if you learned anything.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Wha...

Scheffer heads towards the hoop.

You know, when he gets this look in his eye, the defense has no chance.

He's like a... a force of nature, really. What can they...

Oh. No one can score on 'im.

Joe Scheffer... Oh.

Just got beat... by a girl.

What was that back there? It's like a big sister program.

I just started volunteering a couple of weeks ago.

I grew up around here.

How long were you standing there anyway?

I got there right before you did that... little, uh, victory dance.

If that's what you're asking. Oh, oh, no, no.

Please say something right now to make me feel less like throwing myself down these steps.

Okay. I'll be... flat out amazed if I can think of anything else for at least a week.

That'll do.

You're really good with those girls. Thanks.

Yeah, you know the people at work.

I think maybe I'm getting them a little late.

Yeah? Mm.

I got a promotion today.

Director of internal communications. Really?

Oh, I don't know about that. Oh.

On the house, Meggie. Thank you, Mike.

Meggie? Yeah. My mom used to work here.

As a matter of fact, I did most of my homework in that booth right over there.

Cheers. Cheers.


Mm. I don't know about the hair.

You don't like it? Well, it's just... I don't know.

You look like everybody else now.

And before, I was...

Well, you were you. You were... Joe.

You were exactly who you were.

Well, I wasn't gettin' a lot of... positive feedback with who I was. Mm.

Maybe you were asking the wrong people.

We need music. Yeah! Oh, I got... I got money.

I got quarters.

Random picks? No. I grew up in this bar. I told you.

I know this jukebox by heart. Right.

Try me.

Yeah. Okay.

Sit down, shut your eyes and don't look.

Shut your eyes. Shut your eyes.

Uum... A7.

"The Way You Look Tonight."

F-6. Uhh...

"I Like It Like That."


"You," uh...

"... Go to My Head." Joe, are you flirting with me?

It's been so long, I'm not really sure.

Well, let's say that you were.

Okay. You wanna dance?

Here? On the bar.

No. Come on.

You okay?

I'm sorry. I just don't think I'm ready.

To dance?

Yeah, I'm not ready to dance.

Um, sorry about tonight. Oh. Don't be.

Really, I understand that it, um, hasn't been that long for you.

Yeah. Um...

My ex-wife put a pretty big hole through me, and, uh, it still hurts when the wind blows through.

And you think that by fighting McKinney you can... close this hole?



Night, Joe. Night, Meg.


You really shouldn't flirt with someone until you're ready.

Okay. Okay.

Jeremy. Hold the elevator.

What's going on with Joe Scheffer? Good morning.

Boy, that is a great color on you.

Director of internal communications? Oh, well.

What the hell is that? That position doesn't even exist.

Presidential compliance. What is that?

Uh, uh, read your manual. Meg. If Joe Scheffer stays home and pours bourbon on his cereal, he can sue us for negligence, but if he comes back to work, we make him happy.

A reasonable period of time passes, we're free and clear.

He can't sue. That is presidential compliance.

And what happens after that reasonable period?

What happens to his job, to him? I don't know! Who cares?

I do.

I'm afraid I'm going to have to let you go.

Mr. Scheffer? Hm? Yes.

I'm Deidre, your executive assistant. I have an executive assistant?

Yes. And her name is Deidre. Right.

Would you like to see your office? I've been looking at it.

This isn't it.

You have a thing for the A-V guy?

No. No, I don't. Yeah.

No. See, cause I always thought, um, you know, you and I, we-we...

Do you think that we should be discussing...

Discussing? This? Mm.

Here. You're right. You're absolutely right.

Let's stop wasting time. Tonight, let-let's go to-to Grumpy's.

So we get some margaritas, maybe some ribs, and have some fun. What do you say?

Jeremy... that's never gonna happen.

Oh. That's fine.

Jeremy, look. No, I-I... I get it, about... about Joe.

Uh, you don't... you don't care about 'im, but you care about 'im. It's your job.

You're the wellness coordinator. You care about his... wellness.

Actually, there's... Stop for a second, Meg.

You remember why your little wellness program even exists?

I am here to help...

... to keep corporate objectives. That's the only reason you're here.

You're here to make people believe we-we... we care.

I'm a propagandist? Yeah. You're a propagandist.

Presidential compliance, Meg. You tell anyone about our conversation, and you can start sending out your resume.

We were never under review, were we? Oh, yeah!

No, we're-we're under review, Meg. We're all under review a-all the time.

And that includes, uh, your boyfriend, Scheffer.

What the hell is that supposed to mean? You'll see.


Oh, it's too much.

You've come a long way, haven't you, Joe?

Just look at this. This is great.

Just when you get to think that no one appreciates your work, that nobody... Great, so here's the deal.

McKinney's due back next week, so your big day is almost here.

A small problem, though. What's the small problem?

The company is posting security guards in the parking lot for the foreseeable future, so that fight is not gonna happen here, Joe.

But it has to happen here, I told everybody.

I know, I know. This is your, uh, 15 minutes of fame.

What do you mean, 15 minutes?

It's a... it's a cliche. Maybe you'll get 20. I don't know.


What if...

What if... What-what if...

What if somebody...

What if... Ah, here.

Thank you.

What if somebody could change the venue?

Now, what if the fight actually happened in a schoolyard?

How cool would that be? Could you do that?

Oh, no, no, no, no. No. No, I-I-I couldn't, uh, officially... do anything.

Well, why would you, not officially, do this?

Because I know how you feel, Joe.

I was nobody too.

Guys like McKinney used me to limber up for real fights.

If I had a shot at a guy like that now, I would...

I envy you, Joe. I really do.

Frank. Go long, buddy, go long. Thanks, Joe.

You're Randy Moss today, buddy!

Wow. Is it hot in here, or is it that outfit, Linda?

How 'bout some fresh grapefruit? Thank you, Joe.

Meg, you never saw my new office.

Oh, yeah, you know, I've been really busy.

You want some fruit? Um..

Joe, squash tomorrow?

Yeah, but this time let's find some players that can actually play.

I hear that. Look, Joe, I-I've gotta get going.

Home? Oh, no.

Not until you see this. This is yours?

Well, mine and the... bank's.

Come on. Get in.


This is me. That Lumina? I don't know who that was.

This... is me.

I'm glad to see you so happy, Joe. Really.

Are you mad at me?

This, um... This is my problem. I'm gonna work it out.

Wait a minute. Meg, come on.

When I had a problem, you helped me work it out.

Did I? Yeah.

Now that there's a problem with you, I wanna be here for you.

I wanted to be a guidance counselor. Okay.

I wanted to help girls like me.

Those girls who were too busy cleaning the house or... or paying bills to... do homework or join the pep squad.

But I thought... I should make a little money first, right?

You know, put something aside.

Before I knew it, I was waking up in a better apartment.

I was... going on vacation to places like Saint Barts, and... I had a 401K! Meg.

We all like nice stuff.

Did I tell you that that Caddy has 12 speakers in it?

And you can adjust the... I gotta go.

Seriously, Meg. If you need to talk again, you know where I live.

Thanks, Joe.

For what? I... I don't think I helped you very much.

You know, I... I don't think I helped you that much either.

Stretch, stretch. Pull, pull.

Good, good, good. All the way.

Stretch, stretch. Good, good, good, good.


Punch, punch, punch.


Higher, higher.


One, two.


Good, good, good, good, good.

I'm comin' low, comin' low. Ready?

Oh, man. You pushed me.

I'm comin' now.

Always go for the nuts.

You're good. You protect it. Keep it up.

Get your hand up there.


Looking for something?

Gum. Got any? Open the coat.

No. Open it.

So, you're in your room, watching TV, and it suddenly occurs to you.

What I really wanna do is put on a teddy and an overcoat and chew some gum.

It didn't really come to me like that.

First I put on the teddy, and I got cold, so I, uh...

Natalie, just give me the key. Not a chance.

You wanna back up and run over him again, at least you'll have to knock first.

I am not going to run over your father.

I miss him.

Where's actor boy? Actor boy's gone.

He left this afternoon. His loss.

I... I feel so alone.

How can you feel alone? I'm here.

Hey. I'm supposed to be the mother.

Oh, you're a mother all right.

Joe, Joe, Joe. Joseph.

Hey, people are going nuts about this fight.

They say you got a trainer. Some, uh, kung fu guy?

Jeremy, I'm really not in the mood for this, okay?

Give me something here, Joe. What are we talking about?

It's the fight. The fight. You know, I can make a ton o' money.

There's three to one odds against you showin' up.


You're gonna show up on Monday, right, Joe?

Where's Meg? Oh, oh! She quit.

She quit?

Yeah, she was coming unglued and everything was a light drama.

A whole "psycho-femmo" nervous breakdown. You know, she was... she was smoking.

People were complaining. I'll tell you something, I was gettin' uncomfortable.

There was all this... sexual tension between us.

There was what? Oh, yeah, yeah.

We-we had a... a thing. You and Meg?

Alwas. Yeah, yeah. Corporate retreat, Cancun. She's very hot.

Skinny, but hot.

What, you want the details? Yeah, we're poolside, she wants me to...

Nah. I don't want the details.



I'm looking for Meg Harper, apartment 508.

Oh. She's up on the roof.

Are you sure?

Son, I'm an 82-year-old man, and she's a 31-year-old woman.

Trust me. I know where she is.

I heard you had a nervous breakdown and quit.

Nervous breakdown?

Do we need to review who the psycho is here?

Oh. I need more bleach. I need more bleach.

Gotta have more bleach. That's what Jeremy said.

He also said that... you slept with 'im?

Oh! Does that bother you?


Never happened. If Jeremy chained me to a bed, I'd-I'd set myself on fire.

Why'd you quit?

Um, well... I am the new assistant guidance counselor... at Pembroke High School.

I know. It's kind of a huge cut in pay.

I think I... may have to give them money, actually, but...

This is wonderful. You're great with kids...

And you'll have an opportunity to show them that victory dance.

Yeah, okay. Thanks, Joe.

Joe... You can't fight.

It's not right. If you lay a finger on McKinney in that parking lot, they can fire you.

Jeremy moved the fight. We're not fighting in the parking lot.

He wants to see you get your ass kicked.

Nobody's gonna get their ass kicked. Let it go.

And no one is gonna get fired. Everybody loves me over there.

Uh-huh. Then where were they before?

If I back out, I will never know who I am.

You are the guy that admitted to me that your ex-wife put a hole in you so big that it still burns when the wind blows through.

The guy who kept helping me even after he had stapled his sleeve...

The guy who kept helping me even after he had stapled his sleeve... to a "Choose Happiness" banner.

You mean the guy that got his ass kicked in the parking lot?

No, no. I mean the guy that kept getting up every morning, being a father to his daughter - that's the guy that you are.

I was nobody. You have no idea what I'd be giving up if I don't fight.

I know what you would be giving up if you do.

I'm sorry, Meg. I have to fight.

Yeah? Because you're afraid not to.

Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay! You... are winded!

You take five! You're killing yourself. Water?

Is there a beer in there?

How come you got out of doin' movies?

I guess I kinda turned into an unbearable shit.

Aren't there a lot of people like that in this business?

Yeah. But it helps if you got something that nobody can live without.

You know somethin' funny? When my first picture became a hit, there were a whole lot of people just lined up waiting to kiss my ass.

Then when the movies started to tank, well... you know, they lined up behind somebody else's ass.


You gotta have people in your life who are there for you.

Whether you're somebody or not.

Did you find somebody like that?


It's 6:30. This is Dave Ryan. Good morning, Twin Cities.

Look outside. You're gonna love the day today.

Eighty-five degrees, mostly sunny. Maybe a little of hazy sunshine.

Other than that, it's one of those perfect days...


Dad! Hey, dad, wait up!

Dad! Dad!

Dad, wait up!

All right, even odds now, people.

Bet early, bet often.

Where the hell is he? Hey, hey, hey.

Has anybody got the time? Yeah.

Ten after.

There he is.

Hey, Joe! Come on, man.

Take him down!

All right, Joe!

We're with you, Joe!

Take him, Joe!

Joe, Joe, Joe!

Let's go. You want some?

It's go time, baby. No more bets.

Rope a dope his ass, now. What do you say?

I can do this. Hit him with your left.

Hit him with your right. Be like Ali even though you're white!

I can do this.

Then do it.

Are we gonna fight or not?

We're not. Say, what?

Get over here!

Hey, Joe.

Sorry, man.

It's okay.

I'll be damned.

Scheffer! Scheffer, get back here!

You're fightin' him, or you're fightin' me.

Okay. Okay. No, no. Let's go. Let's get it on. You and me.

Been workin' out every day for the last eight years, amigo.

Jazzercize, spinning, pilates, advanced pilates. Pilates?

Good goin', Jeremy.

Have fun with that little tramp. Everyone else has.


That-that's gotta hurt, huh?

Here, wake up. Hey, you get up. I didn't mean to... Take a breath, take a breath.

Here, you better help him. It really hurts.

Better lay him down or something.



Very impressed.

Thank you.

McKinney got lucky. How's that?

I was just about to do... this!

Good. That was good.

Good job.

Do you think I could've taken McKinney?

Think you just did.

What the hell?

You're in my spot. What are you gonna do? Beat me up?

Meg, Meg, Meg, Meg, Meg! Wait, wait, wait.

Come on, come on, come on. Gimme a chance!

Let go. I can't let go. I'm crazy about you.

You're crazy about me?

You're crazy about me? Meg, Meg, Meg, Meg.

You're crazy about me? Meg, I didn't fight McKinney.

I didn't fight him. Okay?

I went to the school... and I realized...

I'm not afraid anymore.

I'm not afraid not to fight.

A parking space isn't worth fighting for.

You're worth fighting for.

You have a gift for helping, I know, because you saw something in me when I lost sight of myself.

You're what I want.

I-I don't think there's anything about you that I don't like.

My ears aren't perfectly even.

I like that.

There's something else. What's that?

You really did cure me.


No hole.

You put up one hell of a fight, Joe.

I think I'm ready for that dance.

Me too.

Man, I blew it.

I'll say. Want a brick?

There's nothing I can do about it now. -Sure there is.

Start keepin' your damn elbow in. What?

Now? Come on.

Take a shot.





Author! Author!

Go on up there.

Go on. Go on.

Take a bow!

Take a bow.