John Lives Again (2017) Script

♪ Making your move ♪

♪ You come down as fast as lightning ♪

♪ Crossing the stage ♪

♪ And now you can feel the excitement ♪

♪ So shake it up ♪

♪ Turn it on ♪

♪ Shake it up ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Your daddy don't know ♪

♪ What your mama's gonna do tonight ♪

♪ I said your daddy don't know ♪

♪ What your mama's gonna do tonight ♪

♪ She's breaking your heart ♪

♪ You'd better be your own best friend ♪

♪ 'Cause once you learn the steps ♪

♪ It's something you'll never forget ♪

♪ So shake it up ♪

♪ Turn it on ♪

♪ Shake it up ♪

♪ Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah ♪

♪ Your daddy don't know ♪

♪ What your mama's gonna do tonight ♪

♪ I said your daddy don't know ♪

♪ What your mama's gonna do tonight ♪

♪ Shake it ♪

♪ Shake it up ♪

♪ Shake it up ♪

♪ Shake it up ♪


♪ Your daddy don't know ♪

♪ What your mama's gonna do tonight ♪

♪ I said your daddy don't know ♪

♪ What your mama's gonna do tonight ♪

♪ Shake it up ♪

♪ Turn it on ♪

♪ Shake it up ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Your daddy don't know ♪

♪ What your mama's gonna do tonight ♪

♪ I said your daddy don't know ♪

♪ What your mama's gonna do tonight ♪

♪ Yeah your daddy don't know ♪

♪ What your mama's gonna do tonight ♪

♪ Your daddy don't know ♪

♪ What your mama's gonna do tonight ♪

Okay.

No.

Ugh.

Ugh.

Okay.

I think it's passed.

I am so sorry about that restaurant choice.

No, it's not like you could have known.

I didn't see they failed the health inspection until we were on the way out.

I mean they really gotta make those signs bigger or put a giant red X on the door, something.

Okay, it's fine.

It's really like...

The ice cream is sort of settling my stomach.

What are you doing?

Kissing you.

Why?

We're on a date.

It's the first and I feel ill.

I'm sorry.

Yeah.

It's okay, just take it easy.

Geez, you're a really different sort of guy.

Different.

I can work with different.

I should go.

Oh, really.

Was it the whole kiss thing?

No.

Maybe.

Yes.

I just really wanna go.

Okay.

So.

Are you sick now too?

Just right now?

Oh, I should be so lucky.

What do you mean?

Cancer.

Oh.

Wow, I had no idea.

Soon, I'll have none of this left.

We were at lunch for two hours, I mean, why didn't you say anything?

I don't wanna spend what little time I have left letting myself be defined by it.

You are so brave.

Don't die, don't die, don't die, don't die, don't die, don't die!

Okay, cheers.

I broke my cold streak.

Congratulations man, I knew you could do it.

Yeah.

I want details, details.

So I meet her online.

And to start, it's not going great, but,--

But, my man turned it around right?

Exactly, exactly. Yes.

Now she is not grooving it.

But after I tell her I have cancer,

in the bag.

You have cancer?

What, no!

God no.

Don't you think I would of told you that?

Why the hell did you tell her you had it?

Taylor, come on man, at this point, what else do I have going for me?

Cancer is not something you have going for you.

Cancer is a bad thing okay.

You don't joke about cancer man.

Yes, yes, but do we blame people for their cancer or, or do we take pity on them for having it, huh?

Yes, now you get it.

Okay.

Let me get this straight.

So you're at a spot in your social life where you're actively going online to meet girls, not to take on a normal date, but to trick them into a pity screw?

Uh huh, yeah.

And you see nothing wrong with this whatsoever?

It's not illegal.

I didn't hurt the girl.

Okay, but what about you?

Don't you find it unhealthy for you?

I think not scoring period, is even less healthy.

Oh my god.

I have clearly failed in my duty to you on so many levels, I'm sorry.

Taylor, come on man, don't mourn, you gotta be happy for me.

I found my niche.

Alright look, you were hands down the best storm captain.

I remember frosh week practically crying because I didn't fit into any of those frat openers.

Okay, and you just said--

"This is not your scene man, "go find your niche."

Fine okay, I did say that, but I said that to all the dorks.

I'm sorry, but it's true.

I say the same thing to the new guys in sales.

Yeah and you were right.

Different approaches for different guys.

This is not a niche okay.

This is sick and weird.

And besides, it's not sustainable.

What do you mean?

Well how do you expect to continue this relationship with this girl?

Come on.

There is no way she doesn't see me again.

You can't say no to cancer guy.

She'd feel terrible.

Okay, fine.

She's gonna go on a couple more dates with you, but eventually, she's gonna wanna know how your treatment is progressing.

I tell her I'm in remission.

Oh my god--

At that point, she's stuck with me.

I'm around.

But she's gonna meet your friends, your family.

She's gonna meet me.

I'm sure as hell not going along with this lie.

She is going to find out and it's gonna be over like that.

You are missing the whole point here.

Okay, I am 29 years old.

I have never been in a relationship longer than six weeks.

I have very modest goals here.

Did you cut out a part of your hair?

Really?

Really?

Awe shit.

What is it?

"John, you're about to have the battle of your life.

"My cousin died from cancer last year

"and it tore me apart.

"I'm so sorry, but I can't be a part of your journey.

"I can't do that to myself again.

"I feel so terrible but that's the way it is.

"Wishing you good health, Amy."

You see?

Shit man, I thought, I thought women liked broken guys?

They do, but it has to be a guy that they can actually fix.

Unless this girl's an oncologist, that's just not gonna fly.

I guess you're right.

That's not gonna work.

Alright, let's just recap here.

I mean it's what?

10 years beyond frosh and you are still at the same spot that you started in man.

It's not that bad okay, I have made strides.

I've been with five girls since then.

Well, three for real and two were just in and out.

What do you mean just in and out?

That's what you do, you go in and out a bunch of times.

Right, yeah, no.

It just wasn't a bunch of times.

It was more kind of like in and then out.

So it was just in one time and then out?

It wasn't like in out, in out, in out, in out, in out?

Pretty much.

What did you do?

Did you go in and then get freaked out and start crying and run away or something?

Pretty much.

Alright, this is not, this is not good.

Okay, here's what you're gonna do okay?

You are going to set a goal.

You, look at me.

You're gonna visualize a path and then you need to get on that path and you need to stay on that path.

Okay?

Okay.

Yeah, well I guess, I guess I just really want a girlfriend before I turn 30.

Okay great, great.

Because you can't have the wife and kids unless you start there, right?

So, you're on the path.

Yeah, yeah, it's like those movies where the guy, he wants to lose his virginity before the prom, except this, this is the more mature version.

Yeah, yeah, it's the more mature version.

Yeah.

See the problem for me, the real problem is, I want the girl, the girl don't want me.

Everything else in my love life is actually pretty great except that last little piece, I just, I can't get over that hurdle.

You're at a point in life where people are, they're very established in who they are.

And once they know that, hey, they're on their path.

So you gotta ask yourself one question, who are you?

Who am I?

Well, my name's John.

Sure.

And I want a girlfriend.


Pst, pst, pst.

Hey, go check out that guy standing around the corner.

Go check out a guy?

You know what I'm saying.

Go check out what he's flipping through.

Go.

1984.

He's thinking of buying George Orwell.

Yeah Richard, I know, I helped him find it.

Doesn't it drive you crazy?

John, what the hell are you talking about?

Alright, look.

How often does this happen?

A dude like that dressed in his fancy business clothes walks in here to buy a book we all read like way back in the day.

Did he seriously not go to high school?

That should be on one of those lists.

You know, on the internet.

What lists?

You know, like those blogs.

Top 20 Things Asian Parents Do That Only Asian Millennials Would Get.

Something like that.

Things that really annoy bookstore staff.

I know those lists, but that doesn't annoy me.

The guy wants a book, this is a book store.

Oh come on Richard, don't leave me hanging here.

It is crystal clear that he was some dumb meathead who spent all of school getting drunk and playing football.

And then his daddy gave him a position at the firm.

Okay, so now all of a sudden, he waltzes in here and says, "Gee, I wanna read smart people books."

So he reads 1984, maybe Catcher In The Rye.

And then he goes to the parties and he's talking to all these people like he's the only one on planet earth that's actually read the book, and he thinks he's saying these profound things about it and society.

Meanwhile, meanwhile Richard, we were all there 10 years ago but we've gotten over it.

But see, of course you can't say anything to him, you just gotta let him go on.

I think you're being too hard on the guy John.

What are you talking about?

This is what we do.

We analyze people's book choices.

Okay.

Here's my take.

If you're right, which you may not be.

Because he could be rereading it.

He could be buying a copy for his younger brother, but if you're right, what's the big deal?

Maybe he realizes he's missed out on some classics and now that he has his act together he wants to spend his time this way.

I don't think most people would mock him for that.

I think they'd respect it.

You think that guy has his act together?

Yeah.

I mean look at him.

He seems confident, he seems established.

Established, you see that's what I gotta be.

Not me man, I'm staying off the grid.

Look at all these guys passing by out there.

Same age as me, same background.

But they all work at their firms making like 70 grand a year doing things people do in ordinary life that I don't even know about.

Richard, how did all these guys suddenly just, get it together?

It's the women that do it for them.

They domesticate the man.

The man rises to the woman's standard.

You go to a single guys house, piss all around the floor near the toilet.

Guy with a girlfriend, no piss.

Why?

Because she either makes him clean it up every time, or he pees sitting down.

Yeah, heard about those guys.

So if you wanna be an established guy you have got to first get with an established woman.

Yeah, but I don't think women like guys that far beneath them.

And that's the paradox.

You can't get established without an established girl.

But the established girl will only go out with an established guy.

So you have to trick the girl into believing you're established.

Bingo.


♪ Can I touch you to see if you're real ♪

♪ Cause in nothing there's something I feel ♪

♪ Can my heart take the strain ♪

♪ Or will it break down again ♪

♪ In your lips I sense a danger ♪

♪ You've got the eyes of a stranger ♪

What?

What the hell are you doing?

Time for a little magic.

It'll never work.

I feel it.

The time is right. ♪ Have I been sleeping ♪ I'm doing this Richard. ♪ For all these years ♪

♪ Is it magic that makes you appear ♪

♪ When you walked in the room ♪

♪ I felt my heart race ♪ Can I help you find anything?

No I'm good thanks.

What do you have there?

1984.

Great choice.

You're gonna love it.

Really?

I'm actually a little bit embarrassed to be buying it.

Why?

Well I just feel like most people read this back in high school.

They're gonna see me with it and think I wasn't paying attention for like 10 years or something like that.

No, no, no, no they won't.

Actually, you know, to be honest, I think they'll respect you for brushing up on your classics.

It's a real sign of self-confidence.

Really?

Well, I mean I can't speak for everyone, but I find it a very attractive quality.

Do you actually feel that way?

Sure.

Wow.

I feel kind of relieved.

I don't know why, but that means a lot to me.

Well I've never seen you in here before.

My name's John.

Just moved from BC, Vanessa.

Nice to meet you.

Maybe you'd like to go out Saturday.

Sure.

I'm so sorry, I know that was very abrupt.

I just, well, I felt like I had to ask.

It's okay.

Here.

Just put your number in my phone.

Great.

Yeah.

Well listen, well I'm really looking forward to Saturday.

Nice to meet you Vanessa.

You too.

Enjoy Orwell.

That was not supposed to happen was it?

That was a fluke.

The God of Eros was asleep at the wheel.

What are you gonna do now?

Not screw things up for a change.

Okay.

Okay yeah.

Just remember, if you start to lose control, just stop, count to three, regain your composure.

You can't lose this.

Let's go!

Well okay, let's just say he's not my usual type, but I thought, what the heck you know?

I might as well mix things up for a change.

I gotta go.

I gotta go.

Vanessa, hi.

Wow, you,

you look wonderful.

How are you?

I'm great.

How are you?

I'm on top of the world.

Exactly.

That's pretty funny.

Yeah, I don't know.

Wow.

So let me get this straight, you picked up everything and just moved to Toronto, just like that?

Well I didn't come here blind.

I had the job offer at the bank and the terms are great, so, I'm a senior analyst now.

Wow, and what exactly does an analyst do?

It's really beautiful in Vancouver.

But I was just getting so bored you know?

There was nothing happening there so I came here for some adventure.

Well I'm sure they had a copy of 1984 in BC.

You probably didn't have to come all this way for that.

Yeah.

But seriously, I really admire your bravery.

Oh no, no, I'm not brave.

Once I got here I realized I don't know anyone, I don't know anything.

Last thing I feel is brave.

No but that's I guess what I'm talking about alright.

Like not anybody can just jump into the unknown like that.

So tell me, what did you do in BC?

Listen, you are so sweet to listen to me talk about myself for so long, but let's talk about you.

Okay.

What do you wanna know?

I don't know, everything.

Where do you see yourself in three years, what are your career goals, you know?

To be honest, I'm just taking it the way life throws it to me.

And how is it throwing it to you right now?

Pretty relaxed, pretty chill.

That's the way I like it now, so...

Maybe I should chill out more too.

You know, my brothers always telling me that.

Nigel's like, "You just need to be in the zone more."

And if I was more zen I would probably be like less impulsive.

Yeah, he's really into zen meditation.

He says it's really good for his work.

And what does he do?

He's a consultant.

And what does he consult in?

Nigel is like my favorite person in the world.

He's done so well for himself.

He has more money rolling in than he knows what to do with.

Wow.

Yeah, he's just got that magic touch.

And he's probably right, if I was more zen I'd be less impulsive.

You know, I'm not even sure what consultant means.

To be honest, I did something really big the other week, and god I'm kind of regretting it.

Okay, you gotta tell me.

Okay.

Well, so one of my only friends in town was looking for a place same time as me.

And we both went to see this place that we both really liked.

And so, we went halves on it.

Big decision, wow.

Lots of potential fallout.

Exactly, I'm kind of horrified by what I did.

Yeah, but same thing happened to me a couple of years ago.

Really?

Yeah, yeah, a buddy and I rented this tiny tiny place together.

We threw up a curtain, divided it.

Sometimes the curtain would fall down.

One night he comes home completely unexpected and well, there I am, you know.

Jerking off.

Yeah, I got it.

So, not always the best living arrangement.

Clearly.

Good point, yeah.

My situations a little bit different though.

You got one of those stand up dividers, stretches out like an accordion?

You know, those are smart 'cause those stay up.

No, it's just that it's a two bedroom.

When I said that we were splitting it, I meant that we bought a condo together.

Oh wow, you bought a place?

Yeah.

That's big.

That's huge.

Congratulations.

Thanks.

We might not get the financing so who knows.

Well I'm glad it's a two bedroom

'cause I actually still have that curtain and I was wondering if it was right to lend it to you.

It still has a stain.

Yeah.

I would have passed.

That's a good call.

One, two, three.

What are you doing?

Sorry, I didn't mean to talk out loud.

I'm just

remembering that I have to take these.

My three pills.

Are you sick or?

No, no, I have cancer.

What?

No, no, these are to prevent the cancer.

There's pills to prevent cancer?

They're multivitamins.

With a prescription label on them?

Very multi.

Okay.


What's going on here?

It was just a kiss.

Nothing really, I just I thought, you know, a kiss.

Okay.

Too soon.

Yeah, you think?

Do you even have the pills down yet?

At least two of them.

Okay, I think I'm gonna go.

No please, look, I can salvage this.

God I'm so sorry.

Things were going well.

Yeah, yeah they were.

I've had a really rough day, and I know I'm acting like a total weirdo and I do, I sincerely apologize.

Okay, it's okay, I understand.

Great, great, so let me take you out next week some time and I can totally make it up to you.

Look John,

I really like talking with you, but I don't think we can continue with this.

There was a this?

No, no.

Look, you're a really nice guy, we're in two completely different places right now.

I don't know about that.

I mean Bathurst really isn't that far from Defferin--

In our lives, John.

You know, I really like talking with you.

You're a really nice guy.

You were really nice to me at the book store.

Listen, if you wanna meet up as friends, totally down for hanging out again.

Okay, yeah.

No, no, for sure.

So yeah, I guess just call me the next time you wanna hang out.

Hey, I covered this okay.

Okay great.

You know what, let's just leave it at the botched make-out.

I think you've had enough for one night.

Fair.

Bye John.

Idiot.


God you idiot!

One, two, three!

Hello.

Amy, Amy hey, it's John from the other night.

Oh, hi.

Listen, I want you to know I got your text and I completely understood.

But I wanted to call and tell you something.

What is it?

I have amazing news.

I just heard back from my specialist and I don't have cancer anymore.

Wow, that is amazing news.

Isn't it?

I mean I have a new lease on life.

I'm so happy for you.

So, what do ya say?

About what?

Well I mean being with me will now be a heartache free experience.

So do you want to get together again soon?

Maybe give it another go?

I mean you and I, we had great energy if you know what I'm saying.

So you don't have any cancer at all?

Exactly.

Everything is fine?

Yeah, I have perfect health.

Not a problem in the world.

Yeah, to be honest, I'm really not that interested.

You were pretty weird.

Wait, what?

No, no, no, your text gave me the impression that--

That was pity.

I'm really glad you're feeling better but I'm super busy, gotta go.

Stupid freaking cancer!

Get lost asshole!

Yeah, we're trying to make-out here!

This is my day.

What do you think of this?

"Calling all grade five and six girls.

"Do you have what it takes to tell it like it is?

"Sign up for the public speaking contest in the office.

"Winners get certificates to Laser Quest."

Girls like Laser Quest right?

I think I can confidently say I don't know.

And I don't care.

Oh man, you have no idea how stressful organizing this stuff is.

Try me.

Okay John, being on the Parent Teacher Association not only opens you up to all kinds of criticism, other parents and teachers, but it also changes they way they view your child.

Which creates a very difficult situation for everyone involved.

Then don't do it.

Wait, why are you organizing a public speaking contest?

Because Maria wants us to get in on the ground floor.

I don't know, she calls it activist parenting or something.

Yeah it's creepy.

Your kids in junior kindergarten and you're flouncing around with grade five girls?

I'm not flouncing.

Look, you don't have kids okay?

You don't even know what it's like.

Yeah I don't even have a girlfriend, thank you.

I'm sorry.

Sorry it didn't work out with Vanessa but you know, it kinda sounds like--

Like I blew it?

Yeah, like you blew it.

But it's okay, there'll be others.

Well I'm actually seeing her again this weekend.

We're gonna check out a couple of galleries on Queen West so.

So it's all back on?

That's great.

Eh, it is and it isn't.

John don't speak to me in in betweens man.

Okay I'm making flyers all day alright.

Just tell me like it is.

Alright look, when we parted it wasn't like she said "She screw you jerk, get lost."

It was more like, "Hey, you're really cool, "but kinda weird, so let's just be friends."

What, you're just gonna go out with her just as friends?

Yeah.

And I don't know how I feel about it.

When girls say that, you're not supposed to actually go through with it.

They still want nothing to do with you.

It's just something they say because they don't have the guts to say

"Screw you jerk, get lost."

Taylor, it's not my fault.

She texted me.

Interesting.

Yeah.

So, I'm gonna see it through.

Okay but that's energy, and time, and resources that would be much better spent chasing another lead.

Unless of course you actually wanna be friends with her.

Of course I don't.

I mean that's total madness right?

I mean did think that I could be her friend for a little while.

Let her get to know me better and then I could give it another shot.

No you can't okay.

Once you go into the friend zone you stay in the friend zone.

But I can turn it around.

There's no turning it around alright.

Many have tried, everyone has failed.

Any man who says differently is a liar.

Look, transitions can happen quite seamlessly.

You my friend are living proof.

One minute you're building beer bongs with sorority gals, the next, you're the PTA guy.

No, no, no, that's completely different.

Alright, let me paint you a picture here okay?

When you're single, it's all about finding the mate.

Whether you're at the bar with your buddies or playing sports, it's still about gathering these ingredients that make you the kind of guy who's gonna snag the perfect woman.

Alright?

It's primal, it's in our DNA.

But then, once you have the family, the kids, and the wife, it's all about protecting the nest.

Then you suddenly care about traffic calming zones, and PTA's, and making flyers for Laser Quest.

Well that's it then.

Well that's it, that's how I'll win over Vanessa.

Go to the community traffic forum?

No, no, no, listen, listen.

So when young people, right, they're still in the dating realm.

The friend zone switcheroo can not be accomplished.

No.

But Vanessa and I, we're getting older.

Okay times a ticking.

So soon all of her dating conquests, they will all have failed.

She will start to realize that her ovaries are rotting and she will get the itch to make the switch over.

Trust me, I have seen this happen, and it happens fast.

Who does she turn to?

I'll tell ya, whoever's around.

Me.

So now you're saying you wanna marry this girl.

Well I'm not having much luck dating her.

You're insane.

But you may have some logic to your madness.

But there are some risks involved.

Such as?

Well what if Mr. Right comes along, then what?

No, I'll get rid of those guys.

Smear campaigns.

The biggest pain to the friend zone is being the shoulder.

The shoulder?

The straight male support system.

Okay, you never ever ever complain about a woman hanging out too much with her friends or with gay dudes.

Because those people allow us to escape this excruciating conversation.

But the straight male support system guy, he's doomed to live that fate.

I have never played such a role.

Well I have.

I mean for a little while but I nipped it in the bud.

But it's horrible, okay?

They've got you on the phone til three a.m. and they're talking about all these guys that they're dating and how horrible they are.

And she wishes she could just meet some nice, normal, respectful guy like you.

And it kills you inside.

But then she drops this bomb.

The sex is so good.

She's gonna stay with the douche guys.

That's brutal.

It is brutal.

Now, if it's on the phone that's one thing.

Because you can put the phone down and go make food or go jerk off to porn or do something else.

But if it's in person, man sometimes, sometimes she puts her arm around you.

What?

Sometimes she's sitting in your lap.

No.

Sometimes she's just wearing a bra.

That's torture!

Yes, I know!

Okay that's why no self-respecting man lives in the friend zone.

Alright because to live in the friend zone is to live as a unich.

But the problem I have is, there is nobody else and I want to pursue her.

I hate to support this path you're going on but if you wanna go on it, here's what you do.

You find that perfect guy.

Not the guy that she says that she wants.

The guy that she keeps going back to okay.

You find out who that guy is, and then you become that guy.

What do women want?

What does Vanessa want?

Are these questions even answerable?

The fact that you've asked the question is half the journey.

You go forward son.

It's too late for me.


Alright, great, why don't we set up right here.

Yeah sure.

Great, thanks again for agreeing to do this.

First let me get this guy rolling.

Sure.

It's kind of a strange place to do this no?

Okay.

So just like the ad said, I want to talk to you about your dating experience.

Sean I mentioned that I wanted to meet a guy who did well with young professional women.

So tell me, how would you go about meeting them?

I'll be at a bar right?

And I'll be on my own just looking around and maybe there'll be a bunch of ladies, mostly keep to themselves, but maybe there'll be one that keeps looking my way.

So when her friends are in the ladies room or whatever, I'll go over and strike up a conversation.

Now, I'm casual, but I'm firm.

'Cause the ladies, particularly the professionals, they like it firm.

That's the key you know what I'm saying?

They don't wanna be boss anymore, they wanna be bossed around.

So I tell her, not so much asking, more like telling her, "Maybe you and me should meet up later."

Okay, so you think firmness is a big part of this.

Yeah, you gotta be firm.

'Cause she says yes and then we meet up at another bar right?

But then a little bit later, she's just begging.

For?

It.

Begging for it?

Oh yeah, for it.

Sean, what do you think it is about you in particular that makes her beg for it?

Well.

Hey.

Right?

Right?

Sure, yeah.

That makes sense.

So Sean, do you carry yourself in any particular ways?

Well there's a lot of palookas out there and make no mistake, Sean ain't no palooka.

No, no of course he's not.

So I don't whine.

I'm not like, "Excuse me miss, maybe if possible we could."

No, no.

When you're dealing with Sean he lays it on the table straight.

And the ladies respond.

They like the way I walk, they like the way I talk.

It's all good man.

Wow, you have covered a lot of ground for me.

And frankly, I don't know if I have any more questions.

Well I was just getting started.

Oh, okay.

Well what else did you have to say?

Don't you wanna hear all the details of what happens when I get the ladies up to my place huh?

Well I think--

Or maybe you want me to pull it out right here.

Oh excuse me?

Do you want me to jerk off here or no?

Why the hell would you do that?

Is this some kind of joke?

Quiet!

You're the guy who puts up an ad saying that he wants a good looking stallion for a solo video where he chats about what he does with his women.

No, no, no, no, Sean, Sean, Sean, there's clearly been some confusion here.

I just wanted to meet someone for dating advice, that is all, that is it.

So you don't want me to jerk off?

No, god please stop saying that.

Are you sure?

Yeah I'm sure.

This is ridiculous.

Hey, it's what I do.

Don't demean my profession.

I'm sorry.

I'm very very sorry.

Clearly there's been some large misunderstanding.

Here, here is the 20 bucks.

Thank you for coming out.

Okay well if you're paying anyway I can bring out--

We're done here, we are done.

Done and done and done.

Thank you.

Geez man.

You know if you want some advice on how to be easy with the ladies you gotta learn to simmer down.

Take it smooth.

That is a great point.

And you are right, thank you.

Yup.

Just saying.

Yup, thank you, thank you.

Holy.

The macho guys I am supposed to be like mess around on the side for 20 bucks.

What the hell is going on?

This project is doomed.

Okay, what have we learned so far?

It's all about the confidence, and the confidence is all about the walk.

Right, got you.

Show me your walk.

Okay okay.

Not natural at all.

Go back, lead with your chest.

Hurry up man,.

Okay no, try with your chin.

With the chin yeah.

The actual chin?

Yes sir.

Okay John no, no, no, no, no.

Stop, stop, stop.

Try with your dick.

With my what?

Your dick, lead with your groin.

This is ridiculous.

Hurry up man!

I don't.

It looks terrible man.

Look, I'm not a confident walker okay.

I'm an awkward guy.

We exist.

Okay, secret weapon, secret weapon.

Okay, here.

No, no, no, no, no, I don't do suits okay.

I can't pull 'em off.

They don't look natural on me.

John this is not a suit, it's a sports coat.

Pretty sure they're the same thing.

I don't know the difference, but I do know that if you call it a sports coat it seems more natural to just wear it about.

Fine, I'll try it.

Thank you.

It's not gonna work.

It's gonna work.

Huh.

This actually doesn't feel too bad.

It kinda molds you.

I haven't worn one of these since my grandfather's funeral.

And that's the problem man, the clothes make the man.

Now, walk, with your chest.

Okay.

Let's give it another shot.

Okay okay.

There it is.

Not too shabby.

That's a walk.

I was almost strutting.

We have made a man out of you after all.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Hello ladies.

May I interest you in a vintage copy of Kafka.

Perhaps later we can have a little metamorphosis of our own.

I think we've done it man.

You can now confidently walk through the galleries of Queen West without holding your head in shame.

My bucket list gets shorter by the day.

Come in for the real thing.


So, no condo after all huh?

No, we couldn't get the mortgage.

At least not the terms we wanted.

It's for the best in the end.

Oh see, now this, this is great.

I never would of thought you knew anything about art.

Oh I don't.

But working at a book store you kinda learn tidbits about everything.

Are you gonna stay there a while?

No, it's just short term.

Oh yeah?

How long have you been there?

Seven years.

But I'm actually thinking about buying the place.

You know, the owner's getting old and I figured I could get a loan.

That would be cool to own your own place.

Yeah.

But do you really think a bank would give you a loan for a book store?

Isn't it a tough industry?

Yeah maybe I won't do that.

I used to work in a book store when I was in school.

I really loved it.

Yeah you should know this wasn't my plan.

Yeah for sure.

I just don't have many other options right now.

Sure you do.

Yeah well I've kinda used them all up.

How?

I spent a lot of years trying to make it in some stupid band.

That's awesome.

Except I can't sing.

Who cares?

Only the lead singer needs to sing.

Yeah, I was the lead singer.

Oh.

Yeah.

Well, at least you tried.

Can't say the same.

What are you talking about?

You have your degree and you're working in your field.

That's great.

Yeah, and now I'm back at square one.

Yeah but you have a great job here.

I'm sure your one in Vancouver was pretty sweet.

Nothing worth mentioning.

Alright, well look at it this way.

Okay, you're starting a new chapter, you're in a new city, you're beautiful, you're the toast of the town.

Thanks.

You don't need to be such a downer.

Look who's talking.

Hey, I have downer street cred.

I have a lot of downer experience.

I've earned it.

This one is really good.

Totally wanna buy it.

Look, I don't wanna tiptoe around what happened the last time we hung out.

I just wanna get it off my chest and I wanna say I'm really sorry for everything that happened.

It's okay.

No, no, it's really not okay.

Because I have this apology conversation with people all the time.

And it's becoming a pattern and frankly, it has to stop.

Look, honestly I think it's cool that you're just willing to hang out with me.

I didn't think you'd be okay with just being friends.

Totes magotes.

Good, 'cause I could really use a good friend right now.

Really?

Yes, I have been on a date with a different guy every single day and it's just getting too much, you know what I mean?

Like I just need a break.

Yeah, I'm actually just coming off a break.

I was hoping to jump right back on.

Yeah, I keep trying that but I just can't say no.

It's tough out there.

Like a jungle.

Tell me about it.

On the West Coast they come up to you and ask you out, but here it's unrelenting.

Bam, bam, bam.

Bam?

Yeah, that's another thing, the sex.

Oh wow, you're taking a break from that too.

I hear ya, I've done the same at times.

Self-imposed of course.

No, not a break from that.

I mean I wish, but I just keep doing it, and doing it, and doing it.

Even though I tell myself not to, it's exhausting.

Well, good news, 'cause this is your night off from that.

Yeah!

And isn't it fantastic?

I could just take a deep breath in and relax.

No pressure.

Normally at this point there would be all that tension about if we're gonna do it later.

Or at a bar it would like, "Oh if he's paying too much

"now I have to go through with it."

Just like the mental calculations that don't end.

And yet for us, we both know where we stand.

Yeah.

Isn't it awesome.

Totally liberating.

You'll survive it.

I have no doubt.

♪ He's changing lanes ♪

♪ Sees his chance ♪

♪ He passes up ahead ♪

♪ She's losing him ♪

♪ In romantic traffic ♪

♪ A place with no signs ♪

♪ To tell you where they're going to ♪

♪ Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do ♪

♪ Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do ♪

♪ Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do ♪

♪ Oh-oh, oh-oh ♪

♪ She's changing lanes ♪

♪ A bit too slow ♪

♪ Someone hits her from behind ♪

♪ And she finds new love ♪

♪ In romantic traffic ♪

♪ A place where dreams ♪

♪ Turn off and on like the street lights ♪

♪ Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do ♪

♪ Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do ♪

♪ In romantic traffic ♪

♪ Oh-oh ♪

♪ Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do ♪

♪ Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do ♪

♪ In romantic traffic ♪

♪ Oh-oh ♪

♪ I'm driving in it ♪

♪ Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do ♪ I'll bet you were the uber preppy one.

I wasn't.

No, no, even better, even better.

I bet you were the girl in class that wrote in those girly little bubble letters.

John, if you must know, I was suspended.

Ooh for what?

We smashed the principles car windshield in grade six.

That's actually pretty badass.

Yeah exactly.

What's the worst thing got up to?

Forgetting to go to book club one week?

Can you just back off?

Okay I was a very sensitive young man.

Awe so lame.

Vanessa.

Hey, Javier.

Hi, I'm Javier.

Who are you?

Hey, I'm John, nice to meet you.

Hey.

So what's shaking?

Oh not much, we're just hanging out.

I told you about my friend John right?

Oh.

You're the weird guy.

I never said that.

Yeah, yeah that's me.

Creepy John they call me.

Why do they call you that?

It's a joke.

I'd be pissed if my friends called me that.

No, no, I mean it's a joke I made right now.

Besides, they wouldn't call you creepy Javier.

They'd probably call you like hazy Javier.

Are you making fun of my lazy eye?

What, no, god no.

No your eyes look perfect.

Yeah, that's right.

Okay, so we're just having fun, right guys?

Speaking of.

Yeah.

I was meeting a couple pals here.

We're gonna head to the bowling alley downtown.

You wanna come?

Yeah, it sounds awesome.

You in creepy?

No, thank you.

I actually have a job interview in the morning so--

Wait what?

You never mentioned that.

Yeah, yeah, it's nothing really.

I mean I don't really expect anything to come from it.

I just putting out feelers.

Well good luck.

Thanks.

Well yeah, I should go.

I'm gonna leave this.

John you don't have to.

I insist, I wanna cover yours.

Javier, great to meet you.


Sorry.


So why do you wanna become an analyst?

I appreciate the question.

After a lot of reflection I believe that my future is not in the book sales industry.

And the analytic skills that I have developed over the years would allow me to flourish as an analyst.

Okay, so what would you say you learned the most while earning your degree in Women's Studies?

Well I can definitely tell you after four years of study I still know nothing about women.

So information retention isn't your strength?

No, no, no, no I wouldn't say that.

No, I just mean that I thrive on putting myself in challenging situations.

Okay.

So we're going to do a self-evaluation now.

I'll give you a series of questions and you will rate yourself on a scale of one to 10, with one being the lowest rating you can give yourself and 10 being the highest, okay?

So I can just give myself whatever ranking I want?

The goal here, is provide an accurate assessment of your skills in the workplace.

Okay.

Alright then, and how would you rank your communication skills?

Nine?

Excellent.

And how would you rank your analytic skills?

Nine?

Your interpersonal skills?

Oh that's a 10.

That is definitely a 10.

Excellent, and how about your leadership skills?

Well, let's say eight.

You know, I'm not looking to make CEO.

Yet.

Okay, now I see here you ran a girls public speaking contest.

Tell me about that.

Yes, yes, that is just a little pet project of mine.

I just, I firmly believe that it's very important to give back to the community.

Because if girls don't have a voice in our society, we can't grow.

Sorry.

Well John, I will give your application to our staffing consultants and if something comes up they'll be in touch.

That's it?

That's it.

How'd I do?

I can't disclose that.

Right.

But we appreciate you coming here today.

I start next week.

What the hell is a Junior Logistics Analyst anyway?

No clue, isn't it great?

Yeah, really great.

Oh come on.

What?

You expect me to be happy about this?

Yes, I'm moving up.

You're selling out.

How?

I'm just getting a permanent job.

You already have one.

I'm not going anywhere here.

This isn't a career.

Because we already have careers.

We're artists!

This is what we do to support our careers!

We are not artists.

I sang in a band once and you draw cartoons on the side.

That's my art!

That's what I'm passionate about.

Don't knock that.

I know.

And you should pursue your passion okay.

But you're 23 years old.

You might have a graphic novel coming out in a year or two.

I won't.

We're in totally different places in our lives.

But we're buddies man.

We're partners in crime, we solve mysteries.

We help people find alphabetized books.

Look, my time with Vanessa has made me realize I wanna know where I'll be and what I'll be doing five years from now.

You know, I knew that harlot would get between our bromance.

Every bromance comes to an end.

But you were my first man.

I promise you I won't be your last.

Not every bro could rock glasses like that.

Thanks brother.

It's just I'm gonna miss you man.

Yeah, we've had some great times.

I want you to have these.

No, I can't take them.

No really.

I wanna give you my signature look.

No seriously, I can't take those.

I'll look like an idiot.

I mean they work for your face but eh eh, not mine.

Yeah that's true.

Sorry.

It's just a temp position, a three month contract.

Well it's still something.

You probably beat out a lot of people to get it.

Yeah, I guess you just have to sell yourself.

Exactly, that's what Nigel always says.

Sell, sell, sell.

I am really looking forward to meeting him at your party tomorrow.

Yeah it should be a blast.

I hear he's bringing like 10 girlfriends.

I thought he wasn't from here?

Oh he's not.

But his popularity with the ladies stretches from sea to sea.

Huh.

Will Javier be there?

I'm not sure.

So what's with you guys?

What do you mean?

I don't know, I mean are you like a couple?

No, I told you, I'm not looking for anything.

I know, I know, that's why I'm asking, obviously.

He is just someone who I have a good time with.

Well that is, that's nice.

Yeah it is, it is.

What are you doing?

I'm just taking off my pants, comfortable.

Mm hmm.

It's too bad though.

What's that?

With Javier.

I know it wouldn't go anywhere even if I wanted it to.

Why not?

Well I'm really attracted to him physically, if you know what I mean but he's just missing all that other stuff.

What other stuff?

I don't know, he doesn't listen to me.

Well at least not like you do.

And we don't laugh.

I mean we do, we do.

But it's not witty.

It's just like, dumb shit.

Well having fun is important.

It is, it is.

And doing different things, like Javier would never suggest that we go to an art gallery like you did.

What was that?

Nothing.

Oh, I thought I heard breaking glass.


Hi.

Hi.

I'm just setting up the music.

Are those for me?

Happy birthday.

Thanks.

Where is everyone?

Oh, there's a couple of girls in the bathroom.

I don't know them, and Nigel should be here any second.

We were planning a really small gathering.

You could of fooled me.

It was the only day Nigel had to come and see the place and he had business here or something.

Oh.

Shouldn't today be all about you?

I don't mind.

It's a nice change from going to a bar.

Yeah.

Thanks.

Well, what do you think?

Yeah you!

Do you think it works?

I think it's perfect.

Whoa, hey hey.

I thought you were gonna put the music on?

Right.

Okay, drink time!

Woo!

You want a drink.

Monday is my birthday.

Tuesday is happy hour.

And Wednesday is when the monsters come to play.

Toast!

Okay, for the birthday girl, Melissa.

We just met, but you are the most beautiful girl I've ever seen.

I will drink to that.

So sweet.

I love this place!

It's perfect!

We can do this!

It's only listed for 2.2, I can get it for two million.

Gut reno!

This is gonna be the most amazing nightclub ever!

I will put a water slide over there.

I will put mirrors on the ceiling, maybe I will put some dancers in a cage.

No I'll put some panthers in a cage.

I can do whatever I want, I will break all the rules because I am Nigel.

Fireworks for my baby sisters birthday!

Hi.

Thanks for organizing this.

This is my friend John.

Hey, nice to meet you.

Yeah, you too.

I just dropped a giant dupe, you?

No, no, no, no, I take all my dumps at home.

No, dude, I just smoked a horrifically fat dupe.

I'll cut you in on the next one.

Let's get some real dancing going on in here!

Vanessa switch up the song.

I wanna see some creativity.

Yes!

That is more like it!

Yeah, really feel it.

Really use the space.

Yeah, sure.

♪ You're on your own ♪

♪ You're on your own ♪

♪ And meet a friend ♪

♪ Who doesn't kill but wounds for life ♪

♪ The sun blinds you through the trees ♪

♪ While watching clues fall from the skies ♪

♪ And she smiles ♪

♪ At the point of the knife ♪

♪ You never see anyone ♪

♪ How the strong will survive ♪

♪ At the end of their gun ♪

♪ We Run ♪

♪ Frozen smiles for men returned ♪

♪ They never even left this place ♪

♪ She kissed me softly on the cheek ♪

♪ And a shadow cut across her face ♪

♪ At the point of the knife ♪

♪ You never see anyone ♪ Isn't it beautiful?

♪ How the strong will survive ♪

♪ At the end of their gun ♪

♪ We Run ♪

♪ I walked for miles and miles to the sea ♪

♪ I know you never tried to deceive ♪

♪ At the point of the knife ♪

♪ You never see anyone ♪

♪ How the strong will survive ♪

♪ At the end of their gun ♪

♪ At the point of the knife ♪

♪ You never see anyone ♪

♪ How the strong will survive ♪

♪ At the end of their gun ♪ Yes!

Man the party never stops with those girls.

Yeah.

What's up out here?

Awe nothing, just clearing my head.

I once went to a silent meditation retreat for three whole weeks, did not say a word.

Wow.

Yeah, the toilet broke after three days.

Nobody could tell maintenance, it was disgusting.

You sure you're not hiding out here from something or someone?

What do you mean?

I see the way you look at my sister eh?

Trust me, we are just friends.

She told me you're her best friend here.

Really?

Vanessa, she actually said that?

Yup.

Wow.

Well listen man, John.

I really appreciate you being here for Vanessa.

You know, in dealing with it's been pretty tough on her.

Dealing with what?

You don't know.

I don't know what?

Awe Vanessa!

I tell her she's gotta include people and then...

She just hides it.

Wait, wait, wait, she's okay right?

Yeah, now.

Her firm in BC was a scam.

She was pretty much the only one that didn't get charged.

She didn't know anything about it but it's been pretty rough on her.

Plus her resume's now just useless.

But she scored that sweet gig out here didn't she?

I guess that's what she's telling people.

Oh my god.

I thought she had it all together.

Oh she does, where it counts.

Unbelievable.

Wow.

John, John.

I'm really glad that there's someone like you for Vanessa to lean on.

You know, when I'm not around anymore.

Where are you going?

I never wanted to be a consultant.

I said it.

I never wanted to be a consultant.

Okay, what did you want to be Nigel?

I wanted to be an activist.

Really?

What kind of activist?

What?

I don't remember.

But now here I am.

Here I am making so much money.

So much money.

Guess how much money I make.

I really don't--

No guess.

Come on just guess!

Say a number!

Don't low ball.

100,000.

No, wrong!

$275,000 last year.

Wow.

Wow.

And you know what else?

No, no I don't.

I'm unhappy.

Ha!

I am deeply deeply unhappy.

Sorry to hear that.

It's okay, because tonight the pain stops.

I don't follow ya.

Before I walked in here, downed a whole container of meds.

No, no Nigel, that's not good.

No, it is too late man!

No, no Vanessa!

Oh god, oh god, feel that.

We gotta get you to a hospital, come on.

Vanessa!

Oh my god.

Why did I have all you can eat earlier?

Oh, that stinks!

I think it's good.

Oh no, here we go again.

Oh god.

Let it out.

Let it out.

Somebody call 9-1-1!

We gotta get you going.

Oh my god.

Nigel, just--

No, just stay stay stay.

I gotta tell you something.

What?

Just listen.

Don't do it.

Not on me.

You seize the moment.

Didn't I tell you, this was all gonna end in tears?

Didn't I say that?

What else could I have done?

You should of cut and run from the beginning.

But I never wanted to.

What are you gonna do now?

I still don't want to.

So how ya doing?

Long day at the hospital is pretty draining.

I bet.

Yeah.

Let's come sit, relax.

Coffee?

Yeah, thanks.

You've had a big day too.

How was your first day at the office?

It was fine.

I mean it's an office job.

Everyone has one.

That's it?

Yeah.

Forget about that.

Sit, please.

Honestly.

So how's Nigel?

He's gonna be okay.

Good.

That's really good.

Yeah, they have him hooked up on an IV, they said his fluids were all out of whack.

He just needed time to level out.

Wow, you were definitely right about him.

He is unique.

That guy is the real deal.

It's not the first time this has happened either.

What can I say, I have an interesting family.

I know.

Nigel told me that he told you.

I feel terrible.

Why did you lie to me?

Does it matter?

Yes.

You were the girl who was supposed to be too good for me.

The one who elevated me.

I'm sorry, but that's a lot for one person to carry.

And now I find out you're just a regular asshole like me.

Did it ever occur to you John that we're all just regular assholes like you?

No, no, no, no, no, don't say that.

Why not, it's true?

Because, if this, what I am what I'm doing is already it, if I've arrived, I don't wanna know.

What was I supposed to do here?

I needed to get away from everything.

Just tell the truth.

Yeah well you wouldn't of liked me then.

What difference does it make?

You've never liked me.

I kind of did.

Kind of?

Yeah, I kind of did.

And then I really didn't.

And then I kinda did again.

And then I really did.

Really?

Really.

More than Javier?

Javier's just someone who I--

Okay, no, that's enough, that's enough.

I will take that as a yes.

It is a yes.


Wow.

Now what?

And now I'm going away.

You're, you're what?

I gotta get out of here for a bit, I'm gonna travel.

Where?

Nigel and I are going to England on the weekend.

He has meetings there next week and I'm just gonna hang out there and then explore.

Vanessa you're not, you're not just graduating high school.

This isn't the time in your life where you go to Africa for a year to find yourself.

Maybe it is.

No.

No this is the time in your life when you realize you like me more than Javier.

Well I guess it's gonna be the time for both those things.

Yeah but that feeling might not make it a year.

Yeah, same goes for you.

I guess I'm worried about that too.

I just, god I've never been in this situation before.

And you're doing great John.

You don't need me.

Need has nothing to do with it.

Maybe I'll come back to Toronto at some point.

And we'll keep in touch.

That's what I should of done.

What?

When you were in your underwear talking about Javier on the phone.

I should of made you do it over Skype.

Maybe I'll only be gone a couple months and then we'll just see where we're at.

It'll kill me.

For like a day or two.

And then I'll be over there and I'll be on some news site and I'll see the headline, John Lives Again.

And they'll be reporting that you've become a new man.

Maybe because of you that's already happened.

Yeah well look at me, I'm a mess.

Unemployed girl on the run with a brother who gets his stomach pumped every six months.

When I first saw you, you, you seemed like the most put together girl ever.

Well it's a tough act, I'll tell you that.

Well, I am gonna hold you to your promise of naked Skype sessions.

That never happened.

But you do promise to email?

Grab a drink when you get back?

Promise.

Okay.

Well I should go.

Thanks for the coffee but Nigel gets out in the morning and he's gonna crash at my place for a few days so I gotta get it ready.

Yeah, no no of course.

Say hi to your brother for me.

Yeah okay.


It's all back.