Johnny English Reborn (2011) Script

(DOOR OPENS)

(DOOR CLOSES)

(FOOTSTEPS)

AGENT #1: Johnny English.

AGENT #2: Five years ago, he was our top agent.

AGENT #1: Yeah. Took his eye off the ball in Mozambique.

(SIGHS)

Does it have to be him?

He's the only one our contact will talk to.

AGENT #1: So where is he?

(MONKS YELLING)

WANG: You came here to forget your life of shame.

But the path you must tread to new life will be not be easy, English.

(MONK GRUNTING)

WANG: Our purpose here is simple. To strengthen what is weak.

Make hard what is soft.

(YELLING)

WANG: This will take time.

(WHIMPERING)

Mind must be master of the body.

Strong mind can separate the body from its suffering.

Good concentration, English.

Sorry? (EXCLAIMS) Hot! Hot! Hot! Hot!

WANG: You are not young.

But with age comes wisdom.

(YELLING)

(GRUNTING)

WANG: When mind is master of the body, you will be warrior once more.

(YELLS)

(MONKS CHEERING)

ENGLISH: Master, what is my destiny?

I'm in touch with a higher power.

(COMPUTER BEEPS)

MI7 wants you on the first flight back to London

ENGLISH: Master, am I ready?

WANG: No.

Window seat or aisle?


RECEPTIONIST #1: One moment, please. Good morning, sir.

RECEPTIONIST #2: Toshiba British Intelligence.

For electronic products press one. To speak to an agent, press two.

Certainly, sir. Can I redirect you to our website?

Toshiba British Intelligence.

Good morning, sir. Can I help you?

Johnny English.

RECEPTIONIST: Pegasus is expecting you.

Look into the camera.

Don't smile.

Pamela Thornton, Head of Ml?

Johnny English.

Have a seat.

You've been away for some time, English.

But you haven't been forgotten.

ENGLISH: Come on. -(YOWLS)

People here often talk about your adventures in Mozambique.

Well, Ml? has come a long way since then The guns, the fast cars, and the chauvinism are all on their way out.

(WIND BLOWING)

Frankly, I didn't want to see you back.

You are everything I came into this service to change.

But my hands are tied. -(CAT MEOWS)

And there are times when one has to go against one's better judgement.

We have a situation.

Indeed.

There's a good puss. There's a good puss.

There's a good pussy. Who's a good pussy?

I'm impressed. Who's a good pussy?

Philby never lets strangers pick him up.

I'm very much atone with the animal kingdom.

(MEOWING) There's a good puss. I know, I know. Who's lovely? Who's lovely?

Who...

(CAT PURRING)

We're all lovely.

Kate Sumner, our behavioural psychologist.

I've heard a great deal about you.

Glowing reports, I trust.

Tell me, Ms Sumner, what exactly does a behavioural psychologist do?

Monitor observable behaviour for signs of internal psychology.

We read people.

Well, we must get together sometime. I think you'll find me a real page-turner.

(GRUNTS)

Ah.

So, Pegasus, this situation.

Ex-CIA agent Titus Fisher has contacted us from Hong Kong.

He has intelligence of a plot to assassinate the Chinese Premier at the Anglo-Chinese talks next week.

We need you to go and find out what he's got.

Well, in that case, Pegasus, count me in.

(CAT YOWLS)

Agent One will meet you downstairs.

(PEOPLE LAUGHING)

AMBROSE: So, I just scaled the walls, blew the whole place to kingdom come.

An hour later I'm sitting in the bar with a White Russian in my hand.

Who was very lovely, too, I can tell you.

Simon.

Hello, Johnny!

Simon, you look wonderful. But, then, you always did.

Welcome back. How long has it been?

I don't know. Five years, three months and six days, or something.

Of course, Mozambique.

That was a balls-up with a cherry on top.

Come on, let's get you sorted.

Welcome to the toy cupboard.

I won't leave you my number.

You know Patch.

Patch Quartermain, the man himself.

English.

Please, don't get up.

No chance of that.

(METALLIC CLANGING)

Lost them testing the B-6 exploding brogues.

Oh, I'm so sorry. How are you?

Have to be this one, I'm afraid.

Lost this to the D-10 doorbell. (CHUCKLES)

Ah. Well, it's great to see what's left of you

(CHUCKLES) This is rather good fun, actually. Top speed of 60 mph, and I've managed to add the odd thing.

This way. I haven't got all day.

Don't!

QUARTERMAIN: Would you stop meddling, English?

Here she is.

ENGLISH: Ah, the Rolls-Royce Phantom.

Truly the Rolls-Royce of automobiles.

Armour plating, all the bells and whistles. Say "Bonnet."

- Bonnet. AUTOMATED VOICE: Command accepted.

Voice activation recognises only you.

Rolls has fitted one of their experimental engines.

The nine-litre V16. Goes like the wind.

Only quieter.

Beautiful.

QUARTERMAIN: Keep up!

Here's what you'll be taking to Hong Kong.

Ah, yes. A satellite receiver, tracking device, Semtex chewing gum.

Now, what did I just say?

(EXCLAIMS)

(TECHNICIANS LAUGHING)

(SNICKERING)

That's the new P-two digital dart gun.

Gentlemen. May I remind you all that MI7's current weapon of choice is dialogue?

We do love it when you get strict, Pegasus.

(CHUCKLES)

English, you go to Hong Kong tonight.

Fisher will contact you there.

To ensure protocol is observed, I'm sending someone with you.

Agent Tucker.

It will be an honour, sir.

Well, it'll be good to have somebody to carry the bags.

You made a laughing stock out of this service once, English.

Not on my watch. Clear'?

(IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) Crystal clear, Pegasus.

(CLEARING THROAT)

(GROANS)

Just like old times, eh, Johnny?

I'm off to Switzerland. Let's catch up when you get back.

(IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) There's nothing I'd like more, Simon.

(ENGLISH CLEARING THROAT)

Has anyone seen the voice-changing travel lozenges?

Um...

No. No.


Come on, Tucker.

I'm not 21 till September, sir. I'm not really allowed in.

Tucker, you're an agent working for Her Majesty's Secret Service.

Just act the part.

Ten thousand dollars' worth, please, my lovely.

Thank you.

And a receipt, please.

Be alert for contact, Tucker.

We're looking for a Chinese man in spectacles.

Would you like another drink, sir?

Sir, the Chinese man in spectacles.

One more beer. No more bets, please.

Contact.

Evening.

Your grandmother is sick.

What?

Your grandmother is sick.

Well, she's dead. That's how sick she is.

(GASPS)

Is he dead, sir?

Yes. -(WOMEN SCREAMING)


- Hi, Mum. WOMAN: What's the matter?

No, no, no, no. Nothing's the matter, no.

I felt a bit funny last night, but I'm okay now.

So, what have you got for us?

The people behind the plot to kill Xiang Ping, the Chinese Premier. A group called Vortex.

Never heard of them.

Paid assassins. The best there is.

Come on, Fisher, I need names, I need evidence!

Vortex has a secret weapon.

This is one of three keys that, when used together, gain access to it.

Without this, Vortex is finished How did you get hold of it?

It's mine.

I beg your pardon?

Vortex is three of us.

ENGLISH: Come off it, Fisher You, a hired assassin? You couldn't hit a barn door with a banana And as for Vortex, clearly you got the name off a box of washing powder.

Vortex was in Mozambique.

What?

Yeah? Really?

Mum? Mum, Mum, I gotta go. Gotta go.

FISHER: We were all there that day, Johnny-boy.

Excuse me. Sir! What?

Sir, there's a...

Quick, come on! Come on!

Madam, let me help you with that.

Here. Yes, I think you should vacate the area.

There are some very dangerous people about.

There we go.

(SCREAMS)

Get after her, Tucker, get after her!

What?

TUCKER: Sir! Sir!

Over here, Tucker!

I lost her, sir.

Look what I found.

TUCKER: This way, sir! This way!

You get down to the street. I'll take the roof.


WANG: You are not young. But with age comes wisdom.

(YELLS)


(SPEAKS MAN DARIN)

Hand it over, chimp.


(ELEVATOR MUSIC PLAYING)


Come on, Tucker.

Can I help?

I am commandeering this vessel in the name of Her Majesty.

Right-0, Wing Commander.

WOMAN: How exciting!

Now, what's your poison? Can I get you something?

We've got vodka, rum.

Your safety is our priority.

But you can help us by familiarizing yourself with this leaflet.

Créme de menthe, a smidgen of port, and that's about it, I'm afraid.

I'm Shirley.

Hello, Shirley.

ENGLISH: Just a tad to your left, Shirley. Thank you.

(SHIRLEY GASPS)

(SCREAMS)


I say, Wing Commander!

(SPEAKING MANDARIN)


Well played, sir! Well played! Just like a gladiator!

(ALL EXCLAIM)

(ALL GROANING)

Come on. Put 'em up.

(TUCKER GROANING)


Well played, sir! Well played!


More champagne, my lovely.

Certainly, sir.

Tucker' are you sure you don't want a Shandy or something?

I have got to finish this mission report, sir.

And Pegasus wants to see us as soon as we touchdown.

The mission report?

Oh, come on, Tucker. Live a little.

You should learn to savour success.

Work hard, play hard. Isn't that right...

Barbara?

Vortex is finished But better still, for years I believed what happened in Mozambique was my fault.

Now I realise it was only partly my fault.

What did happen in Mozambique?

Excuse me, sir. We're coming in to land. Can I stow that overhead for you?

Certainly.

Sir, I don't think he's a "Susan."

But then you're not a linguist, are you, Tucker'?

It's not "Susan," it's "Shoooshan."

From the Xinzhou region, unless I'm very much mistaken.

Thank you, Shoooshan.

Foreign Secretary.

I hope you've got something for us, English.

The Prime Minister is extremely concerned.

ENGLISH: He has every reason to be so.

There is a plot to kill the Chinese Premier.

Masterminded by a group of ruthless assassins called Vortex.

Good Lord.

The danger, however, has been averted.

Now that we have this.

English? Now, I know what you're going to say, it's a pretty small object Well, it's often the little things that pack the biggest punch.

After all, David killed Goliath with a pebble. Sir.

The mighty Vortex has been slain by my possession of this small key.


Shoooshan.

Susan.

We got it, but Fisher talked.

Understood. We'll deal with English.

You've got some more cleaning to do.

Mummy, Mummy! Mr Rhubarb's here!

Izzie, darling, why don't you show him into the conservatory?

I'll be with you in just a minute.

Okay. Come on, come on, let's go!

MR RHUBARB: Shall we? IZZIE: Hurry up, Mr Rhubarb Perhaps when you've found your key, you'll give me a call.

PEGASUS: I'm very sorry, Foreign Secretary. I had hoped to have more for you.

ENGLISH: Oh, God.

(GRUNTING)

(VACUUM CLEANER WHIRRING)


Pegasus! I've got her!

Come on, you witch.

English?

She was in Hong Kong! She's the killer!

She's my mother!

Couldn't she be both?

(EXCLAIMS)

Mummy, Mummy, are you all right?

Let me get you a cup of tea.

You'll be fine, Mummy. Who was that man?

Yeah, I think a cup of tea, that's what's required.

Pegasus, I am truly, truly sorry.

Don't apologise to me. Apologise to her.

I cannot apologise enough, Mrs Pegasus.

It was a simple case of mistaken identity, I'm afraid.

Now, I completely understand how upset you are, but I was hoping perhaps...

TUCKER: Sir!

Tucker! That's her! It's the killer from Hong Kong!

No, it's not her, sir. It is! This time it's really her!

It's not her, sir! Yes, it is!

ENGLISH: Make way!

Sir.

You murderous crone!

IZZIE: Granny! What's he doing?

ENGLISH: Take that! And that!

IZZIE: Hey! Stop it.

(CHILDREN SCREAMING)

English!

I've got her this time, Pegasus!

This is the witch who works for Vortex!

Want any more' you old hag?

English! Granny!

You humiliate me in front of the Foreign Secretary, you lose our only lead on Vortex, and then you try and kill my mother!

Twice!

Pegasus, we have another lead. Vortex was in Mozambique!

They were responsible for the death of President Chambal!

No! You were responsible for the death of President Chambal.

(CHILDREN LAUGH)

Well, you certainly gave Mr Rhubarb a run for his money.

Still, at least we know Vortex was in Mozambique.

When you told Pegasus, you displayed all four indicators of someone telling the truth.

SUMNER: This is a facial action coding system.

Its high-speed cameras record microexpressions, invisible to the naked eye.

It detects what we call emotional leakage.

Ms Sumner, I'm a trained agent. I don't "leak."

I want to take you back to Mozambique.

(BEEPING)

Is that really necessary?

SUMNER: Take a look at this.

SUMNER ON TV: I want to take you back to Mozambique.

SUMNER: There.

Could we call that leakage?

Now, play ball. I'm taking a risk being here after hours.

If Vortex was in Mozambique, perhaps you saw something.

I'm going to take you back there using hypnosis.

Oh, please. Spare me the new age mumbo jumbo.

Mr English' please. I'm a professional.

I'm not going to just snap my fingers and make you say the first thing that comes into your head.

Plump pillows.

Excuse me?

Brilliant mind. Beautiful face.

Incredible.

And completely out of my league.

Mmm.

I'd like to take you back to Mozambique.

Tell me what's happening, Johnny. Where are you?

ENGLISH: President Chambal's inauguration day.

SUMNER: Yes, you're head of security.

ENGLISH: Everything's going perfectly.

Today we climb the mountain!

MADELEINE: (WHISPERING) Agent English.

CHAMBAL: The people have spoken, and the message is clear.

A future of peace and prosperity!

The backup electrical supply has been cut.

No, it hasn't. It's been turned off.

Do you know how to turn it on?

I should be getting back.

Well, operations like this are always difficult.

But it's very satisfying when you get a result.

The President couldn't be in safer hands.

The future belongs to Mozambique!

Thank you.

-(GUNSHOTS) -(PEOPLE SCREAMING)

The fireworks have begun.

The sound of freedom and celebration.

(CLAMOURING)

Easy, Johnny. Easy. Go back. Before the Jacuzzi, what did you see?

ENGLISH: Yes.

Fisher.

On the terrace with two others.

SUMNER: Yes. All three members of Vortex were there that day.

Who can you see? Who can you see, Johnny?

ENGLISH: Artem Karlenko.

PEGASUS: Artem Karlenko, double agent.

Recruited by MI7 in Moscow.

Retired after his penchant for killing people threatened his cover.

Five years ago, he turned up here as Sergei Pudovkin.

Rich, very rich.

A member of the exclusive Oakwood Golf Club, which is where you'll be meeting him.

He's in a match play competition, sir.

I'm making you his opponent for the day.

Done it, sir. You're booked in as Mr Peter Adams.

Thank you, Tucker.

If Karlenko is Vortex, I want you to bring him in. Alive.


Mr Pussykin?

Pudovkin. And you must be Mr

Um...

Adams.

Beautiful car, Mr Adams.

Ah, the Royce.

AUTOMATED VOICE: Ready, sir.

Thank you.

Shall we?

Let's go.

AUTOMATED VOICE: Command accepted.

So, what line of business are you in, Mr Adams?

Pudovkin.

Sorry. Yes, I'm Mr Adams, and you're Mr...

Whoever you said you were Well... Stop!

Sorry, I thought I had forgotten something.


Glove, sir'?

I may not know much about golf, Tucker, but I know how to hold the bat.


Shot, sir.

ENGLISH: So, what line of business are you in, Mr Puddykin?

KARLENKO: I made my money in the removals business.

A friend of mine had shares in a removals business. Titus Fisher.

You haven't come across him at all?

I warn you, Mr Adams, not to stray into the rough.

You get in there, you might never come out.

I'll bear that in mind, Mr Puddykin.

Pudovkin. Please.

(BALL HITS)

(MAN GRUNTS)

Shot!

As was my friend Fisher, actually.

In the back.

By his cleaner, of all people.

But they didn't take much.

Just a key

Break, left to right, I think.

Thank you.

(SPEAKS RUSSIAN)

(GRUNTS)

(STAMMERING) In the trees.

Come on.

(KARLENKO MOANING)

Oh, my God. He can't die. He mustn't die.

ENGLISH: Let's get him out of here. Come on! Come on.

TUCKER: He's not looking good, sir.

We're getting you to a doctor. You'll be fine.

You do know how to fly these, sir?

It was part of basic training. Good.

It's just like riding a bike.

(TUCKER YELLING)

Yes. It's all coming back to me.

(TUCKER EXCLAIMING)

This is helicopter Golf Hotel Zulu Zulu Tango.

We have a casualty on board. Request guidance to nearest hospital.

MAN ON RADIO: Where's your exact location?

Our location? Location?

She shot out the navigation system. Hang on.

(CAR HONKING)

Runstock. Our location is Runstock.

MAN ON RADIO: What is your altitude?

What's our altitude?

TUCKER: About 18 inches.

Hello? Hello?

Sorry. I'll just move.

TUCKER: What now, sir'?

ENGLISH: We'll have to stick to the road. Let's follow the 1328.

There's bound to be a hospital in Dingham.

(KARLENKO GROANING)

Look after him, Tucker. Look after him.

(CAR HONKING)

I think we're losing him, sir. We can't lose him, Tucker.

He's our only lead. Try something else.

TUCKER: (SINGING) Don't give up on us, baby Lord knows we've come this far

(VOCALISING)

BOTH: (SINGING) We are The angel and the dreamer

(BOTH VOCALISING)

Don'! give up on us, I know We could still come through

(MEN SCREAMING)

TUCKER: Look, sir! Follow that ambulance!

Good idea.

TUCKER: Sir. Sir, quickly.

Karlenko. Karlenko!

The second key.

Vortex is KGB...

Yes. CIA.

Yes? Yes?

MI7.

Unbelievable. A vole in MI7.

A mole, sir.

What?

There's a mole in MI7.

There's a mole and a vole?

No, sir. There's a mole, not a vole.

Well, I disagree. There's certainly a vole.

I mean, we know that much.

But what you're saying is there might be a mole as well.

(MOBILE PHONE CHIMES)

Pegasus.

There's a meeting at MI7 with the Prime Minister.

And here again, eyes down and to the left, indicating dissent.

With Xiang Ping, it's all about the eyes.

Thank you, Ms Sumner. If the talks go ahead, I'd like you with us.

Yes, Prime Minister.

Good evening, gentlemen.

Mr English. Ms Sumner.

Right.

So when is the Prime Minister going to grace us with his presence?

I'm the Prime Minister.

(SNORTS) Yeah, you wish.

All right. So we're all here.

(CLEARING THROAT)

These talks with China are of paramount importance.

Rogue slates in Southeast Asia have begun secretly to develop nuclear weapons.

It is vital that we get China onside.

Traditionally, China has been impervious to our concerns, but I believe Xiang Ping, given the opportunity, can and will help defuse this situation.

FOREIGN SECRETARY: Well, with his pro-West stance, it certainly offers an opportunity, but the talks can't go ahead unless we can guarantee his safety.

I believe, with the correct security, that we can.

If Vortex is operational it's just too dangerous FOREIGN SECRETARY: I'm inclined to agree, Prime Minister.

AMBROSE: There is a way.

The Swiss are willing to lend us Le Bastion.

That's their government fortress in the Alps.

It's a stunning example of architectural engineering at altitude, and completely impregnable.

I mean, that should solve all our security issues.

Then the talks go ahead.

Pamela, I hope you've brushed up on your Mandarin.

I'd like you in the room with me, and your best man on security.

Yes, Prime Minister.

Where are we on Vortex?

English?

Vortex is three men. Fisher was one, Karlenko was another.

Karlenko was killed today on the orders of the third.

PEGASUS: Any leads?

Yes, but I need time.

PEGASUS: We do not have time.

We need to know the identity of the third person in Vortex.

Give me 24 hours.

Another bottle of Romaine-Conti?

Of course. And would you like to choose dessert?

Yes. You.

And bring two spoons.

(BOTH CHUCKLING)

Cheers. Cheers.

Cheers.

So, come on, Johnny, what was it you wanted to ask me'?

Simon, do you know what this is?

Some sort of key?

Karlenko and Fisher both had one, and they were both killed for them.

Well, I'll give it to the boys at the lab and see...

Karlenko told me that the third man in Vortex is in MI7.

And you believed him?

Simon, I have to ask you a question, face to face.

Do you have any idea who it might be?

Johnny, I thought you were about to accuse me.

No! I mean, honestly.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

What? Simon Ambrose, the evil mastermind!

Don't. Stop it- The traitor in our midst!

You! You!

Simon, you are so funny.

(GURGLING) Hysterical.

Oh, dear.

(MOBILE PHONE BEEPS)

Would you excuse me for one moment, Simon?

Sir. Tucker, can'! this wait?

Sir, it's Ambrose.

Yes, I know it's Ambrose. I'm having dinner with him.

No, he's the third man in Vortex.

Simon Ambrose?

He went to Eton.

(DOOR OPENS)

Simon.

Leave it.

What are you... Move.

All right, all right. Come on, move.

Tucker.

You said you never knew Karlenko. That's right.

Then how do you explain these?

I hacked into Karlenko's computer. You and him in Mozambique?


Sometimes I have trouble myself, old boy.

You're Vortex! You're the third man in Vortex!

Tucker, this is ridiculous.

(URINATING)

Sorry, I'll be with you in just a tick.

It's true, I was in Mozambique.

What?

I was there because of Patch Quartermain.

Patch? Sorry, I'll just be one second.

He's the man you're after.

You're bluffing! Sorry.

I work for a secret organisation inside MI7 set up specifically to bring him in.

A secret Secret Service?

Yeah? What's it called?

What's it called?

Armitage.

A secret secret secret service called Armitage?

We answer only to the PM.

It's extraordinary, Simon...

AMBROSE: Indeed, it is.

...That you'd think for one moment that I would fall for such a steaming pile of old baloney.

Well done, Tucker. You're not Spy of the Month for nothing.

Thank you, sir. Here, let me take that.

Now go home.

What? You're the one talking baloney.

You're in way over your head, boy. Now run along.

No! I won't go, sir. He's lying.

You've let me down, you've let the Service down and, frankly, I think you've let yourself down.

But I... Now get out!

Patch Quartermain, of all people. Blowing his own legs off?

Now that's what I call deep cover.

And to think how much I admired him.

He hates you.

Really? He always has.

He thinks you're a moron with no place in MI7, a jumped-up grammar school nobody That's why he tried to destroy you.

Now, Johnny, just because he ruined your life, that's no reason for you to go rogue and take him down on your own.

God forbid I should put a crazy idea like that in your head.

Good night, Simon.

Johnny, that key you showed me. We might need it to bring him in.

Thank you. You're welcome, sir.

Silly tit.

Bingo.

Arrange a meeting with our client MADELEINE: Of course.

Pegasus.

We have the third man.

It's Johnny English.

ENGLISH: Hello, Patch.

Looking for forgiveness?

It's all over for you now, English. It's the end of the line.

Yes, you'd like that, wouldn't you, Patch?

After all, I'm just a jumped-up grammar school nobody, aren't I?

(CHUCKLING) What are you talking about?

I know that you are the third man in Vortex.

No, Johnny. You are.

No, you are.

No. You are!

Standby, all agents.

And it all ends here.

PEGASUS: Take him.

(SILENCED GUNSHOT)

(METALLIC CLANGING)

(GRUNTS)


Johnny.

WOMAN: Hey! Watch it!

Got him! Move! Move!

Don't lose him. Go, go!

Halt!

(CAR HONKING)

Heading west into Vine Street. Mobilise all vehicles.


Idiot!

You've lost him! I don't believe it.

Oi! Who do you think you are?

(ALL GASPING)


Gotcha.

(SIRENS BLARING)

AGENT: Agent English, pull over! Pullover!


MAN: Stop ii!

AGENT: Get after him.

(POP MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO)

(SCREAMS)

Kate, Kate, I'm not Vortex. I've been framed.

You must believe me.


CHI HAN LY: How will it be done?

Same as in Mozambique. One person, apparently working alone.

Who have you chosen?

Leave that with me.

My account in Zurich. 500 million US dollars, as agreed.

You've been out for hours

(GRUNTS)

Well, you're lucky it was just a flesh wound.

Now, look, I'm going to Switzerland tonight, but you can stay here while I'm gone.

Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm.

I've been going through the news footage from the night Chambal was killed.

And there's something not right.

Seconds after President Chambal was shot, the assassin collapses and dies.

And the autopsy says heart failure.

But, if you go through the classified CCTV footage...

(CLATTERING)

You all right?

Yeah, fine.

Take a look at this.

Fifteen minutes before the assassination, look, he's manic.

He's completely lost control of his body And then, suddenly, catatonic.

Here, wait.

There.

Someone was talking to him.

I don't think he had any idea what he was doing.

I think Vortex's secret weapon...

Is a mind control drug.

And only one fits the symptoms.

Timox... Timoxylin Bubby...

SUMNER: Timoxeline Barbebutenol.

The CIA ordered its destruction 10 years ago.

And the agent in charge of its disposal...

ENGLISH: Titus Fisher.

I don't know how to thank you.

I'd love a take-away.

Consider it done.

Flying low.

So, Johnny, what are you going to do about Vortex'?

I don't know. If only Simon was here. He'd know what to do.

Why do you think he's better than you?

Well, the man's a god.

Well, I prefer mortals.

Pure, complicated, maddening mortals.

I've come to realise that what's really exciting to me is great loyalty, determination, and courage.

You have always fascinated me, clinically.

But now you...

Ms Sumner, your pupils are dilating.

Are they?

Your cheeks are colouring.

Eye contact deepening.

Heart-rate rising.

Ms Sumner, I believe we're emotionally leaking.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

The bedroom, quickly. Absolutely.

Now!

Hello? AMBROSE: Hello.

Oh, Simon. Hi, Kate.

You ready? I'll drive you to the airport.

SUMNER: How nice. I'll just get my bag.

AMBROSE: You alone?

(WHISPERING) No. (LOUDER) Of course.

AMBROSE: Been working?

SUMNER: Been brushing up on the Chinese PM. You?

We're trying to track clown Johnny English

There's some questions we want to ask him, about Vortex.

I don't suppose you've seen him, have you?

No.

Not hiding him away?

Not my type. (CHUCKLES) Shall we?

Mmm-hmm.


Ambrose.

(VACUUM CLEANER WHIRRING)


(WHIRRING STOPS)


(EXCLAIMS)

(SCREAMS)

(ENGLISH GRUNTING)


There's a Mr Adams to see you, Colin.

Hello, Tucker. What are you doing here?

Every agent in the country is after you.

We were right about Ambrose What do you mean "we"?

And if we can act fast, we can still...

You wouldn't listen, would you?

You think you know it all. Well' you don't!

Being an agent means everything to me.

And, thanks to you, I'm suspended!

Would you boys like some orange squash?

No, thank you. Bye, thanks, Mum.

Tucker, Ambrose is in Switzerland. We are in Tooting.

I am here because my country needs me.

And because it needs you, too.

- Royce. AUTOMATED VOICE: Ready, sir.

Come.

AUTOMATED VOICE: Obstruction detected.

(ALARM BLARING)

Set the sat nav for Switzerland Let's kick some bottom.


AUTOMATED VOICE: You have arrived at your destination.

Good luck, sir!

Le Bastion. One way up, one way down.

Come on. Let's get the stuff.

Whoa, look. The T-2 ground-to-air missile!

That's a D-7 bulletproof shield.

Take it from me, Tucker.

I was working with these while you were stringing conkers.

(CHATTERING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)


The P-8 grapple hook?

Check.

ENGLISH: Estimated height? Thirty-five feet.

All yours, Tucker.

Can I just say, sir'?

This is just great.

Well, go on.

The D-16 ascender, and up we go.

Are you sure that's the ascender, sir?

Yes, yes, I'd know it anywhere.

AUTOMATED VOICE: Agent in distress. Agent in distress.

(ALARM BLARING)

(INDISTINCT)

(DOG BARKING)

Agent in distress. Agent in distress.

I am over here!

Shut up! Shut up!

I am over here!

(SIREN STOPS)

MUFFLED AUTOMATED VOICE: Activating visual locator.

Three, two, one.

(SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

MAN ON LOUDSPEAKERS: Intruders in Sector Four!

(MAN ANNOUNCING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

(DOGS BARKING)

Dear God, let me not die at the hands of the Swiss.

Tucker, now listen. I want you to attack me What? After a struggle, you can "arrest me" and take me inside as your prisoner.

Sir, I can't. Tucker, that's an order.

Hit me. Hit me.

Come on, harder.

Better, sh'? -(GRUNTING) Yes, much better.

I can see how people get a taste for this.

I got a better idea. I'll shoot you!

No, no, no.

Die, Vortex scum! Tucker!

(AGENTS SHOUTING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

Agent Tucker!

It's Johnny English.

Bag him.

AMBROSE: The glass can withstand mortar attack.

The door's one-way. You can get out, but no one gets in.

Excellent.

You ready, Slater'?

I'll have them send refreshments to your room when you're ready, Pegasus.

Thank you, Agent One.

I'll take it from here, boys.

Hold it right there!

Let me see your ID.

ENGLISH: (WHISPERING) Excuse me What the...

Stop!

Warning, this is a designated conflict zone.

(GRUNTING)

(CHUCKLES)

Sir'? Sir?

(MEN CHATTERING)

(GRUNTS)

PEGASUS: Thank you so much You're welcome, Pegasus.

ENGLISH: Pegasus.

Go on. Go on.

(GASPS)

What the hell is that?

Sir'? Sir?

English! Pegasus.

They're going to make you kill Xiang Ping!

You're insane!

Agent One, thank God.

ENGLISH: He won't help you. He's the third member of Vortex.

Aren't you, Simon?

ENGLISH: Here to give you some Timoxy bubby...

(STUTTERING) Timoxy bubby Timoxy bubby...

To give you a drug that will make you obey his every command.

ENGLISH: I'm intrigued, Simon.

How exactly were you going to administer it?

By injection?

Some hideous gas through the air vents?

Or by spiking her drink?

Timoxeline Barbebutenol.

He'll enter the manic phase any moment now.

(SCOFFS) I have to warn you that I've been trained to resist this kind of thing.

(STUTTERING)

ENGLISH: You swine.

Agent One, what's going on?

He's quite harmless at this phase.

The drug will kill him, but just before it does, there'll be a short window where he'll do everything I tell him to.

Poor Johnny.

You were never really Ml-7, Johnny.

You were never really one of us.

Now you're about to become our most famous agent.

You'll now do exactly as I tell you.

You are a traitor to the Service and to your country.

Shut her up, old chap.

Duck. What?

I warned you.

Okay, Slater. Let's get him ready.

Ready.

PRIME MINISTER: Premier Ping, it's a pleasure to finally meet you.

You had a pleasant flight, I trust?

I was just asking the Premier if he had a pleasant flight.

Kate, Johnny's back on the team.

What?

It's all checked out and the PM and the Chinese have approved it.

Approved what? He's standing in for Pamela.

Isn't it great?

Excuse me. Agent Tucker.

PRIME MINISTER: Good, good. And your wife is well?

(SPEAKING MANDARIN)

AMBROSE: Lock it up, Johnny.

PRIME MINISTER: Wonderful.

AMBROSE: That's it.

Premier, I am most grateful you have agreed to meet me at this time.

(SPEAKING MANDARIN)

It is our pleasure.

Maintain that tone, Prime Minister.

Avoid confrontation, keep eye contact.

I can assure you that the Chinese people have always regarded the British people as completely horrible.

Honourable. Honourable.

Completely honourable.

Of course.

I was very keen to meet...

(SWISHING)

Johnny, stand up and go to the water table.

PRIME MINISTER: Premier, I believe the present danger can be averted if we act swiftly.

Go to your right pocket.

We designed it for Pegasus.

Well, it's too bloody late now.

Just act natural.

(SIGHS)

Prime Minister, traditionally... Somethings wrong.

...China does not respond well to advice...

Pull out the barrel.

Now, Johnny, I want you to kill Xiang Ping.

Oh, dear God, no.

He's being controlled.

FOREIGN SECRETARY: By who?

TUCKER: Ambrose.

Shoot Xiang Ping!

Mind must be master of the body.

AMBROSE: He's resisting it.

His left hand is fighting the right hand.

Come on, Johnny.

TUCKER: If I can interrupt the frequency, I could stop Ambrose from communicating with him.

(GRUNTS)

English, stand up!

TUCKER: Come on. Come on.

He'll be dead in 50 seconds, sir.

Tucker!

Come on.

Pull the trigger! TUCKER: I'm in.

(DANCE MUSIC BLARING)

(RADIO STATIC)

(MUSIC STOPS)

Listen to me, this is Simon Ambrose, (ON INTERCOM) and I order you to shoot Xiang Ping!

Ten seconds, sir.

Fire!

(GRUNTING)

Go, go, go.

Time to get out of here.

Hold your fire!

Stand down!

(HEART MONITOR BEEPING)

His pulse is dropping.

Don't lose him!

Come on, sir.


WANG: Open your head, English, and you shall be reborn.

Almost there.


Thank you, Kate.

I was passing.

TUCKER: Sir.

Tucker!

Welcome back, sir.

Thank you, Tucker.

I won't kiss you, if you don't mind.

Well, whatever.

Where's Ambrose?

English?

Sir. What are you doing, sir'?

Guideline 17-5: Never question a senior agent in the field.

No!


Ambrose' you five-star turd.

(AMBROSE GRUNTS)

(BOTH GRUNTING)

Another balls-up, Johnny.

Ooh.

What's the matter with you?

(YAWNING)

(GRUNTING)

It's all over, Ambrose.

You can betray your country, you can cheat your friends, but you can't get away from Johnny English...

(SCREAMING)

(GRUNTING)

So long, Johnny!

(GUNSHOT)

The D-7.

The bulletproof shield!

Hey! It's not working!

It's the T-2, sir!

Is he... Oh, he's alive! It's the T-2!

Close it. Close ii!

Stupid thing!

Oh, Johnny.

The T-2.

Tucker, you clever boy.


PRIME MINISTER: I couldn't be more delighted.

Vortex's paymasters have been arrested, and China has expressed its gratitude to both Britain and the Service.

We owe English a great deal.

Well, reinstating his knighthood is a truly lovely gesture.

And it will mean the world to him.

Her Majesty will be with him shortly.


(SCREAMING)

Gotcha! Gotcha.

Got you!

ENGLISH: Just about had enough of you, you old cow!

You're going nowhere! Pegasus!

English!

It's her! It's the killer cleaner! Finally, I've got her!

You never know when it's over, do you?

Well, it's over, over, over, over, over!


(SLOW SONG PLAYING)


I don't know how to thank you.

I'd love a take-away.

Consider it done.

(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO)