Junior (1994) Script

Hello, there's a baby here.

There must be a mother. Hello!

There's a baby!

Help!

Hello? Is anybody here?


Miscarriage-prone female reproductive system is merely an extension...

...of the body's natural and necessary instincts to reject foreign matter.

Just two drops. The body mistakenly identifies the embryo...

...as an unwanted foreign substance...

...and creates antibodies to fight and reject it.

From this equation comes the idea for the drug, Expectane...

...which acts to neutralize the interfering antibodies...

...and promote successful embryo attachment.

Minnie here, had a history of miscarriages.

As a result of our treatments, she's now in her seventh month of pregnancy.

She takes 10 cc of Expectane three times a day.

Hey, Keith. Good morning.

-Ned. -Larry. Hey, big day.

-Are you nervous? -FDA? Piece of cake.

-Sign those plan documents, will you? -All right.

Hello, Louise. Hello, everybody.

Mrs. Parrish is in for a second trimester sonogram.

You have an initial consultation with the Lanzarottas...

-... and Mrs. Logan's here for a final. -Okay. Bagel, please. Thank you.

-Hello. -Doctor.

-I'm ready to explode. -Not here, you're not.

Perfect.

-Just one more month. -Yes.

-Get me new blood and urine samples. -Blood and urine samples.

Dr. Hesse, good luck with the FDA.

Luck is for the ill-prepared.

-Car's waiting out front. -Thank you.

I had them check the traffic reports.

And the big dweeb?

He and Mr. Banes will meet you downtown. Good luck.

In testing the drug on chimpanzees with a history of miscarriages...

...I found conclusively that in every instance the side effects observed...

...were consistent with the behavioral and metabolic changes in subjects...

...with normal, unmedicated pregnancies:

Nausea, mood swings, appetite fluctuation, irritability...

Typical "lamb chop's got a bun in the oven" type behavior.

This drug works.

Madam chairperson, ladies and gentlemen...

...we respectfully request the board's approval...

...to carry on into an invasive human protocol.

Thank you.

You got to let us try this on real women.

Women in need.

Our sisters.

-Our daughters... -Dr. Arbogast.

If you could see the couples that come into my office.

-Their pain and frustration is genuine. -Dr. Arbogast.

Ma'am?

This is an FDA hearing, not a telethon.

We have all the information we need.

Thank you.

As director of Leland University's biotechnology research program...

...I thank you on behalf of my esteemed colleagues for your consideration.

Let's go, gentlemen.

-Thank you very much. -Thank you.

That went pretty good.

I'm sure you'll be very comfortable here.

We have all the latest videocassettes, the current magazines.

Give it to Louise when you're finished.

I'm sure you'll be very comfortable.

Just relax and enjoy it. That's the ticket.

Dr. Arbogast?

Your wife, sorry, your ex-wife's in your office.

-She says she needs to talk to you. -What?

Yeah. In there.

You're doing great. See you in a month.

-Hi. -Angela, what are you doing here?

I've got something really important to talk to you about.

-You might want to sit down. -I'm busy, Angela.

I'm pregnant, Larry.

Really?

That's wonderful.

-How long? -Seven weeks, give or take.

The Kelman wedding. The night of the Kelman wedding.

-Yeah, that's the only time we did it. -No.

He was in and out of my life very quickly.

Not quickly enough, apparently.

-He who? -It's not important.

You sure it's not mine?

Come on. After all the years we tried...

...I don't think it's going to happen one night, by accident.

Thought maybe one of mine could have bribed his way in or something.

What do you want from me, Angela?

I want you to be my doctor.

Thank you very much, Angela, but I....

Even if I wanted to, I couldn't. We're related.

-Not since the divorce. -Dr. Arbogast.

-Dr. Arbogast. -In a minute!

No. That's final.

I'll ask Ned if he's got any room. If there's anybody better than me, it's Ned.

I'm sorry. Noah Banes is on one. He says it's important.

Ned Sneller? Forget it. He looks at me, Larry.

Banes.

I'm on my way.

What seems to be the trouble?

They've jammed the lock.

Dr. Hesse?

Dr. Hesse, this is totally unacceptable behavior.

-Open this door, now. -I will miss you most of all.

Pop the hinges.

Banes. What's going on?

Dr. Arbogast, good news and bad news, I'm afraid.

FDA decision, wicked bad news.

-They turned us down? -I'm afraid so.

And the review board has terminated your project.

I'm sorry, but lab space is tight, and money's even tighter.

-They canceled the project. -Please, Banes.

I got $300,000 in this drug. You got to cut me some slack.

Would that I could, but it's out of my hands. Blame the review board.

You're head of the board.

Yes, I am. Rock and a hard place.

What's the good news?

Well, I really hate to dance on your grave.

But I landed Dr. Diana Reddin and her ovum cryogenics project.

I need you to be extremely careful with this.

-Lady, if I hear that one more time... -They're very fragile.

I've just got to set the level for the incliners.

-Don't touch that! -You shouldn't be up there!

Stop! No!

Help me! Help me! Help me now!

-My babies! -Out of the way!

Thank you. Thank you.

That's not necessary.

Get off me.

Sorry.

Thank you so very much.

Leave me alone.

-Dr. Reddin? Are you all right? -Yes.

I'm fine. Thank you.

-No harm done. -No.

Are they...?

Okay, let me just check these. Thank God.

They're all right. They're all right.

Frozen eggs, huh?

Yes. I call it the dairy section.

If it weren't for the lightning reflexes of...

Where is he? He's gone.

-Hesse! -Dr. Hesse has left the building.

Wait. It's his laboratory, isn't it?

-Was. -You like it?

Yes. But I don't want to displace anybody.

You won't be, I promise.

Take the chimps back to the primate lab. We won't be needing them anymore.

-Where you going? -I'm going back to Europe to start over.

You're running out on me? I don't believe this. What are you doing?

We're partners. You can't just leave.

We're not partners anymore. I have no lab, no funding, no future here.

Wait a minute. What about all the people you'd be leaving behind?

What about your girlfriend? What's her name again?

-I don't have a girlfriend. -You're better off.

How about your colleagues?

I happen to know for a fact...

...that your skill and dedication is an inspiration to everybody.

They'd be lost without you.

They will find someone else to mimic over coffee in the lounge.

That's not true. They don't do that.

-Come on. -I'm not well liked.

-I like you. -No, you don't.

I talked to my guy at Lyndon Pharmaceutical, the Canadian firm.

-Larry. Good-bye. -They'll give us additional funding...

...provided we find a volunteer for an Expectane protocol.

Can't do the protocol without FDA approval.

We can if we don't tell the FDA.

Are we going to let Washington bureaucrats...

...stand in the way of progress?

What woman will take an unapproved drug while she's pregnant?

Who says we need a woman?

What are you talking about?

The experiment wouldn't have to identify the subject's sex.

Just the human tissue reactives.

Remember Moe?

The monkey? He went five months to term.

-You mean to do the test on a man? -Why not?

Are you allergic to anything?

To me? You're nuts.

-Boarding pass? -I don't have a boarding pass.

Only ticketed passengers with boarding passes beyond this point.

Hear me out!

Sir, I need your ticket.

-Gate 68B to Paris. -Quick. Thank you very much.

Pardon me. Excuse me.

Sorry. Excuse me. Pardon me.

Oh, my God.

You wouldn't be pregnant pregnant.

Sort of a guest host situation.

We fertilize the egg.

We implant it in the peritoneal cavity.

Dose it with Expectane. Tiny thing, grain of rice.

You carry it through the first trimester. We get our data. Boom, it's over.

4A. To your left.

51F. All the way back.

I'm going to just go....

I guess I was wrong about you, Hesse.

I took you for a scientist.

-I am a scientist. -Yeah?

Where's your vision?

Jenner infected himself with smallpox to test his vaccine.

-That's Jenner. -So why not you?

Is it possible? Who knows?

Natural?

So what?

Good science? You bet.

Come and claim your place in the Pantheon.

You're just trying to manipulate me.

Yes, I am. So what?

Excuse me. I have to ask you to take your seat.

Yeah, all right. Just a second.

Look, cards on the table.

I don't like you any more than you like me.

You got all the warmth and charm of a walleyed pike.

If we weren't partners....

But the point is, we are partners.

We're on the verge of something fantastic.

Something important.

I need you to carry it through with me.

-This could really work. -Yes, it could.

-Are you sure you can find an egg? -No problem.

Okay, who's the lucky one?

"Junior?"

Okay, Junior, let's go for a ride.


God. Dr. Arbogast.

-Dr. Reddin, what are you doing here? -Where?

I don't know.... Where am I?

Oh, the lab. Good. Excellent.

My lab. My lab.

So what brings you here?

It's like when a ball player gets traded...

...and he goes out into the ballpark.

He comes back and, you know, just...

...alone with his thoughts.

Just to memorize the turf...

...the infield...

...the angles of the light.

What?

-You have a piece of cheese. -Sorry. It's from my sandwich.

So what are you doing in this lab?

-Here, right over there. -Thanks.

Actually, I'm.... I see you kept Minnie and Moe.

-Yes, Minnie and Moe. -Kept them.

I could hardly turn out an expectant mother, could I?

-No. Well, Alex will be very happy. -Good.

Because I get the feeling that Dr. Hesse blames me for the loss of his facility.

He did take it kind of hard.

I'd hate to see his work go unfinished due to budget constraints.

Would you tell him that I'd be more than happy to help out...

...with lab time and materials, even some space...

...if, I don't know what you think, he might be amenable to sharing.

That would be extremely generous...

...and more helpful than you can imagine.

So, is there a Mr. Dr. Reddin?

Who?

No.

Sorry.

Maybe we could have dinner sometime.

-No. -No.

-Your back? -Yeah, back.

-So.... -You're off.

-Bye. -Bye.

-Thanks for coming. -Okay.

Way to go.

This is it.

Terrific motility.

-Excellent count. -Let me see.

Strong swimmers. Big load. Way to go.

2:45 a. m. Subject takes 15 cc Expectane...

...supplemented with 100 milligrams of progesterone...

...two milligrams of estrogen.

Salud.

-So how's the Expectane taste? -Bitter.

Well, we'll add some flavoring when we market it.

Good idea.

All right. Let's find the spot.

All right, let's see.

Peritoneal cavity.

Let's see here.

That looks like a good, clear window right there.

There's plenty of room for the embryo through the first trimester.

-A little lower. -Yeah.

-Right over here. -That's it.

All right.

Let's put a bun in your oven.

Where did you get the egg, by the way?

The egg?

Colleague of mine. An anonymous harvest.

Had a couple of spares. Just relax.

Here we go. Yeah.

Navigating.


Mama.

Larry? Larry!

What? Hi.

-Where am I? -This is my house.

You're staying with me during the protocol, remember?

Let's see how you are.

I forgot.

Here. Put that under your tongue.

This your bedroom?

No, it's my ex-wife's bedroom.

Cheery, huh?

She decorated it herself.

She had taste. Give her that.

You had separate bedrooms?

No. We didn't always have separate bedrooms.

Good. There are many stops along the road to divorce.

Blood pressure's good. Let's check this out.

Normal. Very good.

-I have to pee. -I need that, too. Here.

Fill her up.

We're going to do the tests at 8:00 a. m. and again at 10:00 p. m.

I got a prenatal monitor and a blood screener ordered up.

Do you mind? Can I have some privacy?

You know, it was really nice of Dr. Reddin to let us share her lab.

I'll go there to analyze and collate the fluid samples.

All right. Sounds good.

That should be enough.

All right now, this watch is set to go off every four hours...

...to remind you to take the Expectane.

What do you think? Six times a day should do it.

That should do it.

Let's see how we did.

I must be crazy to be doing this.

You may be crazy, but you're also pregnant.

Congratulations.

I'm pregnant.

So embryo three is entering its two-to-four stage.

Today we'll be extracting an eight-cell cluster...

...and freezing it...

...for induced suspension and development arrest.

-Dr. Hesse? Can I get you anything? -I'm looking for any...

...cryogenic disruption to the DNA footprints.

-He's fine. -Good. Excellent.

-Let's get on with it, okay? -What about this?

-Here to see the new mama! -Hi, Dr. Arbogast.

-Hi! -Banana, they'll love it.

Mother and daughter are doing fine.

She's a pretty baby. Looks just like you.

Got your ears.

You like that? You can eat it.

Don't you want to eat it? Yeah.

Hey, big guy, how're they swinging?

-What's the matter? You okay? -Yeah.

What, what?

Look, my HCG levels aren't where they should be.

Let's up the hormone supplement five milliliters.

How you feeling otherwise?

I just can't keep anything down.

That's morning sickness. It'll pass. Eat crackers.

My nipples are very sensitive.

What?

My nipples, they feel like, kind of, tingling.

-Tingling like sore or like itchy? -You surf?

Surf, because I got that a lot from paddling out.

It's something about the wax and the salt water. It irritates them.

-You get what? -His nipples are tingling.

-I don't surf. -It could be your laundry detergent.

I used to get that when I used a non-biodegradable soap.

Thank you for your concern. It's very nice.

Or it could be that polyester shirt.

I don't know how much more of this I can handle.

You're doing great. I talked to my guy at Lyndon.

They saw the initial data. They are ecstatic.

I'll meet with their CEO at the convention in San Francisco next month.

What? Cramps?

Come on. Get up. Let's go walk it off. Let's go.

Let's go.

I don't want to cut back the hormones altogether.

It'll jeopardize the protocol. A tingle and tummy ache won't kill you.

-Okay. -Dr. Hesse!

Boy, here she comes.

Excuse me.

Just what we need.

I know this is none of my business.

I can't help but notice the lethargy, the nausea...

...the vials you keep leaving in the wastepaper basket.

Yes?

Do you have a substance abuse problem?

-What? -No!

There's nothing to be ashamed of.

I was involved in a study in Oxford where it was categoric...

This is serious. I'm very concerned.

It's been going on for nearly a month, and I think he should see someone.

There is a tragic disease that afflicts the men of his village in Austria.

They even named it after the place.

It's called, "Gelandensprung Syndrome. "

-"Gelandensprung?" -Yeah.

-You've heard of it? -No.

I'm not surprised. It's endemic to only a few places in all the world.

Well, what is it?

It's a terrible, debilitating...

...relentless, you know, kind of...

Fatness.

-"Fatness. " -"Fatness?"

Striking young men in their prime, turning them into big...

-... wheezing.... -Strudelhunds.

-"Strudelhunds. " -"Strudelhunds?"

Pastry hounds. Yeah, that's the...

...insult that they hurl upon them.

I'll go get you some crackers, because...

...it'll head off trouble that's approaching.

He'll be all right.

-Banes! -But you're not fat.

Because I'm taking a new formula.

I've only nine more weeks of the protocol.

It's funny how you don't appreciate somebody until they're gone.

I'm not gone. You're gone. What do you want to talk about?

It's about our contract. Got a couple of minutes?

-Not really. -I really need to talk to you.

I feel so humiliated.

Don't be. People get sick all the time. There's no need to be ashamed.

I feel like I've lost control over my body.

Control's important to you, isn't it?

What do you mean?

Same three shirts, week in, week out.

Same coat peg...

...same wash basin. That odd little ritual with the liverwurst and apple every day.

-I like order. What's wrong with that? -Nothing.

It's just an observation.

And I don't like being sick.

Is there anything wrong with that?

-It's just that men... -Men what?

They're pathetic when it comes to pain.

You should try being a woman sometime. It's a nightmare.

Your body goes peculiar with your period and doesn't stop until menopause.

It's a lifetime of leaking and swelling...

...and spotting and smears.

Crippling cramps, raging hormones, yeasts!

And that's if everything's normal.

-I never wanted to be a woman. -I'm just saying.

That's perfectly normal. Not to worry.

Just stay off your feet.

Use an ice pack for a few minutes every hour and call me in the morning.

It's okay, that's why I'm here.

-Bye. -Look at this.

Leave 'em alone.

-Don't snap at me. -Angela, this is my house now.

You may live here. You may die here, but this will always be my house.

Floral, hound's tooth, then paisley.

Alex, Angela.

Angela, Alex. Colleague of mine.

Nice to meet you.

-God, excuse me. -Charmed.

I'm going upstairs to my bedroom.

He's...

...going through a confusing time. He's staying here for a couple of weeks.

So what do you want?

I don't like Sneller.

We've been over this.

Ned Sneller is a top guy.

-He's creepy. I'm not going back to him. -You're being ridiculous.

-I can't deal with this. Where's the father? -I haven't been able to reach him.

He disappeared?

They're touring. I don't know. Europe, Asia? I can't remember which.

Who is?

Aerosmith.

One of Aerosmith knocked you up?

What a lovely phrase.

Excuse me.

-I'm a little shocked here. -You're going to have to deal with it.

I don't have to deal with it. We're divorced. Remember?

It's not like I'm asking you to fix my car.

Call Louise in the morning and she'll fit you in.

Thank you.

I am happy for you.

Thanks, Lar.


What's the matter?

She was Daddy's little girl.

Now he's giving her away.

Come on. Get a grip.

Physically, you're in tiptop shape.

Everything's right on track.

-One more week. -Okay.

I'm sorry.

I'm just not myself.

Just relax.

Don't wait up for me tonight. I'll be late.

Why? Where are you going?

To the pharmaceutical convention at the Hyatt. I'm meeting the Lyndon guys.

The convention is tonight?

I told you it was tonight.

Please take me with you.

No. You stay home. Get back in bed and just take it easy.

-You don't understand. -I do understand. No!

-Please, listen to me. -No. It's bad for business.

I'm pregnant and all alone.

Will you stop saying that?

You're not pregnant pregnant. You got to think of this as an experiment.

Think of it like you swallowed a piece of gum.

A tiny piece. Dentyne.

I won't be in your way. I'll take walks. I'll disappear.

I feel so isolated.

Okay, you can come. But don't do that thing with your eyes.

-I can come? -Yes.

But I have nothing to wear.

I'm starting to get a little headache over here.

I feel we could make a definite contribution here.

Sounds good.

Excellent.

And you got to remember...

...we're talking about five million prescriptions a year in the US, minimum.

What's the window on the human experiment results?

Between you and I, you'll see results within a week.

-That fast? -Yes.

-We are very impressed. Keep us posted. -Thank you.

Interesting pitch, Larry.

-What are you doing here? -You know me.

I like to keep my ear to the ground.

You know that human experimentation is against University and FDA guidelines.

I'm just trying to raise some awareness and some new money...

...telling people we're further along than we really are.

Is there a woman out there taking Expectane?

Absolutely not.

-Where have you been? -I had so much fun.

I had a walk and the most wonderful massage in a health club.

I had a great time. Then I took a nap right there on the table.

Franks in blankets? These are my favorites.

Alex, you look...

...radiant.

-Thank you. -We should be going. Let's go.

-Want some franks in blankets? -No.

I'm sorry.

It's a wonder the woman is still alive.

She looks so beautiful tonight, don't you think so?

Where have you been?

-Long line for the loo. -Hors d'oeuvres?

Sausage rolls. Thank you. I love these.

These are my favorites.

You look so....

I don't know.

-Enthusiastic. -Yes, you do. You look positively lit up.

-What's the good news? -No good news!

Life.

Music and friends.

-Franks in the blankets. I love it. -I think we should be going. Let's go.

We should go.

Going, always going.

And one day, gone.

Just like that.

When we should be pausing to hear the joyful melody of life itself.

He doesn't get out much.

Neither do I.

I always loved this song.

-Would you like to dance? -Would you like to dance?

I don't know how.

I've never danced before either.

-Then, I think we should give it a try. -Good.

-Could you hold this? Thank you. -Thank you.

Where you going?


-Okay? -All right.


Excuse me.

I found it.


Prince Charming, the coach is leaving.

Thank you. I enjoyed that very much.

I loved it. Let's do it again.

Good night.

Now, what is taking so long? They lost it, I know. Why have a ticket?

What are you doing?

Come over here.

What are you doing?

Feel how soft my skin is.

It's time.

We're closing out the experiment.

Banes is sniffing around and your hormones are out of control.

There's still a week left until the trimester is over.

We have plenty of data. The Lyndon guys are poised.

I don't want to risk anything going wrong.

Come on.

What?

I can't help but wonder what it would be like.

What what would be like?

To have my baby.

That's it. We're closing out the experiment tonight. Now.

Get in the car. Come on.

"To have my baby. "

"Feel how soft my skin is. "

Where'd you go, to France to get the car or something?

-I never realized how lonely I was. -Get a dog!

What are you so gloomy about? Come on. The experiment worked.

With Moe...

...I tapered off the dosage gradually.

To aid his system with the hormonal rebalancing.

You go cold turkey.

You may have a couple rocky days, but I don't want to risk any complications.

Just stop taking the Expectane.

The embryo will break down and be reabsorbed naturally into your body.

Home sweet home.

I'll get all the data over to the guys at Lyndon.

I'll be in touch with you as soon as I hear anything, okay?

-If you have any reaction, call me. -Sure.


I don't know if you're a boy or a girl...

...so I'll call you Junior.


"Happy birthday to you

"Happy birthday to you

"Happy birthday, dear Alex

"Happy birthday to you"

What a surprise.

-How'd you know? -We looked it up in your file.

Did you bake this?

-Did you bake this yourself? -The ingredients mutated a bit.

Happy birthday, big guy.

You're sweating like a racehorse. You all right?

It's hot in here.

-No, it's not. -I'm really hot.

-What? You got a fever? -I made the icing.

You think you're the first clown who woke up one day and said:

"I'm bored. I think I'll have a kid. "

I didn't say that. Why are you being so negative?

Hello? Anybody home?

You're a guy.

This is totally against the natural order. Guys do not have babies.

We leave that to women. That's part of the beauty of being a guy.

Didn't your father ever have this talk with you?

If you don't want to help, say so. I don't need a lecture.

The hell you don't.

If you could feel for a minute the sense of joy and connection...

...that carrying your baby brings, you'd understand.

Listen to you. Have you lost it completely? Now, come inside.

If I carry this baby to term, it'll be a miracle.

I'd love, protect and nurture that miracle with everything I have.

-Stop it! -No! I want my baby!

Sorry I'm late.

We'll just be a couple minutes, then I'm ready.

Your ex-wife's inside. You're late for her appointment.

-Hello, Dr. Hesse. -Come here, sit down.

-I don't want to sit around here. -Sit down!

Right here.

There's nothing to be afraid of. He thinks he's pregnant.

It's a very fascinating case.

I'm working with the University's psychiatric center.

Auto-physiological suggestion.

-What's going on? -Get in there.

-How're you doing? -How are you? Nice to see you.

-You're looking good. -Thanks.

-Okay, you can go. -That's it?

Something very important came up.

-I'm important. -You are. Very.

But this is urgent. Get dressed and we'll reschedule. Sorry.

How far along are you?

Twenty-one weeks.

-Is this your first? -Yes.

Have you thought of any names?

Junior, if it's a boy.

And if it's a girl...

...Junior.

Those are nice.

-How about you? -Alex.

Excuse me.

-Good luck. -Thank you.

-Junior would be good. -Junior's good.

There's the feet...

...and the hands.

This can't be happening.

But it is.

That little string of pearls.

-The spine. -That's the spine, yeah.

There's the head.

My baby.

Listen to this.

That's the heartbeat.

That's very fast.

140 beats a minute.

Perfectly normal.

In fact...

...everything's perfectly normal.

Except for the fact that the mom is also the dad.

If this gets out, your life is over.

You're a freak.

My license? Kiss it good-bye.

It's not going to get out.

I know this is unfair to you. And it's dangerous for both of us...

...but I want my baby.

And I need your help.

Move back in with me. I want you off your feet as much as possible.

And no going to the lab.

-But... -No buts about it.

You're in for a lot of sacrifices. You'd better get used to that.

Okay.

So, otherwise how are you feeling?

Anything unusual?

Jesus, what the heck am I talking about? "Anything unusual?"

I've noticed the side effects of pregnancy are amplified...

...with the dosage of Expectane that I've required.

The morning sickness, the mood swings.

Sleepiness, sexual appetite.

Sexual appetite?

Yesterday, just scooping the middle out of a honeydew melon gave me...

-... a Steifen. -A what?

That's normal.

I get them all the time.

It's nice to be back.

It's going to be a lot of fun.

-Do I have the same room again? -You betcha.

What do you want to do tonight? Should we stay in or go out for dinner?

Didn't I close down the Expectane project six months ago?

Then why would Diana Reddin's account show continuing...

...requisitions for Expectane components?

Is she up to something with Arbogast and Hesse?

I don't know, sir.

Larry, I'm not whining.

It's just that you said you'd be home no later than 6:00.

It's 6:45. The pasta is ready. In five minutes, they'll be soft.

Well, fine, then come home whenever you want!

Selfish.

-Diana. Hi. -Yes, it's me. Hello.

Someone gave me these papers for you...

-... from the lab. -Thank you.

Who?

Who?

I'm lying.

I just, actually, I just wanted to see you.

You did?

-Come in, please. -Thank you.

I'm sorry I lied.

What a lovely room!

Very nice of Dr. Arbogast to put you up.

-It is. -Nice man.

How are you? How are you feeling?

Good. Thank you.

And you?

Good.

Cooking?

Smells very nice.

You want to sit down?

Please.

Alex, do you believe in reincarnation...

...past lives or anything like that?

-No. -No, neither do I, so it can't be that.

Can't be what?

I have this strong recurring feeling that I know you.

You do know me.

I know.

No, but I mean...

...I mean from before...

...somehow, from earlier.

I was born in Jakarta.

And raised in England, from the age of five, in Kent...

...and summers in Cornwall.

What are you looking at?

I was born in Austria, in Gelandensprung.

-Home to the Strudelhunds. -Yes.

Well, I've never....

I've never actually been to Gelandensprung.

Salzburg, once.

Delicious chocolates.

Good-looking waiters.

You're twitching.

What's the matter?

Does my body disgust you?

-What? -My body?

Is it disgusting?

No! I mean, I like...

...upholstery on a man.

In fact, I was madly in love with my cousin, Trevor, for years...

...and he was very portly.

Maybe it's physical.

-This connection. -Yes. No, it is, definitely physical.

Out of the blue, I get these sudden, these pangs of concern for your...

...for your well....

You mean sex?

I hadn't thought of that.

I have.

Have you?

Well, then, that's...

-... that's probably it then, isn't it? -Yes.

No, wait. Wait. If I...

I let myself in.

Where's Larry?

-He's out. -Found it. There we go.

It's in. Contact lens.

-Just flipped out, right over the sofa. -Who's that?

Dr. Diana Reddin. Nice to meet you.

Going now. Bye. Good, you were right.

-Yes? -I have my own bedroom.

I'd love to see it sometime.

I can't stay. I have to go.

Got it.

Do you ever think about calling before you come over?

I'm sorry if I interrupted.

What is that great smell?

I'm cooking.

You're cooking?

What?

Pasta.

You want some more rocky road?

Diana?

She seems like a very nice person. Definitely a little nervous.

You think it's serious?

I'm in a particularly vulnerable stage in my life right now...

...so I'm taking it slowly.

That's very smart.

Can I have more of those ribs?

How about you and the father?

-Haven't heard from him since it happened. -Bastard.

I never expected to hear from him.

I'm happy. I love being pregnant.

It's just that I'm not 21 anymore. I'm single.

-It's a little bit scary. -Tell me about it.

I love those pickles.

There's a couple of chicken wings left.

What?

Anybody ever tell you that you eat like a pregnant woman?

I just like mixing cuisines.

Baby pushed.

What's wrong with you?

Sympathy pains.

I hardly know you.

You must be a very sympathetic guy.

Lately, yes.

-I think she really likes me. -Yeah?

What makes you say that?

She said she likes a little upholstery on a guy.

And she kissed me.

You're kissing?

Wait a minute.

You're in no condition to start a relationship.

-Don't be so negative. -What do you mean, negative?

Wait a minute. I'm not negative.

What do you think?

Couldn't find one with a parrot on it?

It's nice.

I'm starting to believe in fate.

My baby.

Finding a compatible woman.

I think it's all part of a design.

-Maybe I should see a psychic. -Psychiatrist.

We should both see him.

I hate my body.

Looking prosperous there.

-The pants are loose in the waist. -I could take them in.

Better leave room to grow.

-That's a good idea. -That's the spirit!

-I'll cuff them for you. -Okay.

-What? -Junior kicked again.

-Junior? -Yeah.

Why Junior?

The book says to talk to the baby.

I didn't know if it'll be a boy or a girl, so I called it Junior.

Why?

Nothing. I was....

It's something. You have that look.

No, the guy I got the egg from, he called it Junior.

He was making a joke, you know, just a funny coincidence.

Who is that guy? You said a colleague of yours had an anonymous harvest.

-Yes, a colleague of mine. -Do I know him?

No, you don't know him.

-Do we know about the donor egg? -No, it's anonymous.

Well, well, how very domestic.

All that's missing is the pitter-patter of little feet.

Forgotten, but not gone. What the hell do you want?

I couldn't help overhearing you. Something about a donor egg?

I don't know what you mean.

Come on, guys, it's me, Noah. I'm nobody's fool.

I checked with the primate lab.

They told me the chimps haven't been tested on since the project was canceled.

But you're still producing Expectane.

Well, the truth is that...

...we had a surplus of the steroid base.

-Rather than let it go to waste... -Surplus.

-... we decided to... -We decided to...

-... finish off the production run... -That's it.

...stockpile the Expectane for when the FDA...

...does approve clinical trials.

We were unaware of the University policy, so that's why the little fib.

If there are any budget overruns, we're more than happy to cover the...

Excuse me.

-What's that all about? -I don't know.

-Are you writing a book? -You know what I think?

I think you have an Expectane-assisted pregnancy underway here in this house.

-Sorry, you're wrong. -That hardly ever happens.

I'm on your side.

If you guys are coloring outside the lines, I can help.

I'm speaking English. There's nothing going on!

How can I help you if you leave me outside the loop?

Thanks for stopping by.

Listen, could I use your bathroom before I go?

It's down the hall. Make a right. Pick up the seat.

-Is he gone? -No, he's in the can.

Where are you?

Come out, little mother.

-You think he believed us? -I don't know.

This guy's dangerous.

Stay away from him.

I will. Here.

-I'm taking Diana out to dinner. -Great.

-Who is that? -Aerosmith.

You don't like their music?

Seven years, I tried everything.

I couldn't get Angela pregnant.

One of these clowns...

...one night, one shot...

...mission accomplished.

Just ain't fair.

Which one?

I don't know.

Doesn't matter.

You still love her.

No, it's good it's over.

It's just this baby thing has got me a little, you know...

...I'm having some feelings, you know. That's all.

-I'm sorry. -Yeah. Thanks.

-You look good. -Thank you.

Hi, Angela.

-Is he home? -Yes.

-Is he alone? -Very.

-He will be very happy to see you. -Yeah, I'll bet.

I'm really very sorry.

I'm just a bit confused about this Strudelhund thing.

Excuse me. I believe this is yours.

It is, thank you.

Sorry. Thanks very much. Got it. Safe and sound.

Yes, the Strudelhund thing.

No one's heard of it...

...and then I looked up "Gelandensprung" in my atlas and it wasn't there.

You're right.

There's no Gelandensprung. There's no Strudelhunds.

I'm sorry I had to deceive you.

What's going on?

I want you to know everything about me.

Likewise.

Can you keep an open mind?

I mean, really wide open?

I think so, yes.

I have a most extraordinary condition.

Thank you.

You familiar with the works of Edward Jenner?

The vaccination chap who experimented on himself?

Probably you would never...

-... experiment on yourself... -No, I have actually. I mean...

...nothing so extraordinary as Jenner, obviously but...

...I used my cryogenic technique to...

...to freeze one of my own eggs.

You did?

Why?

...I've always wanted children and I...

...I never found the person that I want to....

And I'm not getting younger, so I thought, well, I'll just save one, just in case.

It's in the dairy section under "Junior. "

What did you say?

My egg...

...is in...

-... the freezer at the lab. -You call it Junior?

I know. Well, I couldn't put my own name because everybody would know.

And you can't tell if it's a boy or a girl, so I thought Junior would...

I know. I've shocked you, haven't I?

I suppose it is a bit perverse having your own eggs on display.

But some people keep their tonsils, their adenoids and appendixes and....

Anyway, enough, sorry. I'm embarrassing you. So, what...

-I'm sorry. I have to go. -Alex?

What's the matter?

Not a roll, not a kick, not in two days.

I know something's wrong.

There's something wrong. Is that what you want to hear?

All the drugs the father took probably messed her up good.

-What drugs? -I read up on Aerosmith.

Wasted for a decade.

Coke, booze, pills.

-What are you talking about? -Which one is he?

Did you think it was someone in the band? Is that what you thought?

That's what you said.

No, that he was on tour with them. He's not in the band. He's their trainer.

-She kicked. -She kicked.

You come with me right now.

-What? -Where did you get Junior?

-I told you. -The truth! We're talking about my baby.

Keep your voice down.

I got it from Reddin's lab. So?

Well, it's Diana's.

-You mean, hers, personally? -Yes!

You were supposed to get an anonymous egg.

I tried. Everybody was all out.

-Can you do anything right? -Wait, don't start with me.

If you'd have stopped taking the Expectane, this would not be an issue.

What a horrible thing to say.

Well, it's the truth.

Keeping it going was your idea, not mine.

Women have such convenient memories when they're pregnant.

Now take that back.

That was a Freudian slip. I know you're not a woman.

The part about I should have ended it. Junior heard that.

-Take it back. -For crying out loud. I take it back.

Like you mean it.

Junior, I'm sorry. I take it back.

I just felt it kick.

-Come. Feel it. -No, I don't think so.

Just feel it.

-Come. We need a healing experience. -Give me a break!

Just do it!

Here.

Just watch.

Be patient. Did you see that?

Right there.

-See his little foot go. -Right there!

It feels so good. Can you believe this?

What's going on?

What? Nothing.

You were touching him.

No.

I can't deal with this.

Can't deal with what?

What are you? What are you two, like a....

-What are you, a twosome? -What?

-No. -What is going on around here?

He's pregnant.

I'm going to be a mama, too.

You're sure it's the Expectane?

Yes. We compared what you gave us with the sample we had on file in the lab.

Who do they think they're dealing with?

That's what really hurts.

-We'll have to find out who she is. -There's something else.

-What? -The sample that you gave us...

...it was part Expectane and part female hormones.

Estrogens and progesterone, to be exact.

Wouldn't that be consistent with an assisted pregnancy?

Not a dosage of this size. This is more like the amount you'd take, say...

...preparing for a sex change operation.

Oh, my God!

You're doing some more charting. We'll have to do the whole thing again.

We're busy.

Please, I need to talk to you.

You need to apologize to me, don't you?

About last night, I'm sorry.

Please let me explain.

All right, then go on, explain.

Guys, would you mind?

What?

I'm pregnant.

Good explanation.

I really am pregnant.

What?

I tested the Expectane on myself.

We fertilized an egg and implanted it into my abdomen.

With drug and hormone supplements...

...I'm now seven months to term.

Oh, my God!

There's more.

More?

Larry was supposed to find an anonymous egg...

...and he couldn't.

So he borrowed one from your dairy section.

It's Junior.

My Junior?

Our Junior now.

Our Junior?

-Please, don't be angry. -Why should I be angry?

You lie to me, you steal from me.

You engage in an utterly...

...immoral, selfish...

...arrogant stunt without any regard for my feelings whatsoever.

What am I supposed to be, grateful?

This is just so male!

-I'm sorry. -Just don't come near me!

-I never wanted to hurt you. -What'd you think you were doing?

You think men don't have enough? You have to take this away as well?

-It's pitiful! -Let me see the man who would be mom.

What are you talking about?

The greatest scientific breakthrough in the history of this University.

Bravo. You know, we're in this together. We have a contract.

And I quote:

"exploitation of results from University-funded research...

"... shall be at the sole discretion of the University. " Come on.

-I've ordered some tests. -Leave me alone.

-He said to leave him alone. -Escort Dr. Hesse to the ambulance.

Can't allow it! He's in a very delicate condition.

I'm really disappointed in you.

You and your baby are University property now.

No, I'm not.

My body, my choice.

Come on.

Go!

Just easy. Breathe.

That was really scary.

-Relax. I must hide you. -That ought to be easy.

So what did Diana say?

She said I was selfish and arrogant.

That we'd taken away her dignity and the sacred role of womanhood.

Typical.

I can't tell you how many times I've heard pregnant women complain:

"I just wish a man could go through this. "

You finally do it, and what do you get? Attitude and insults.

-Yeah, you're right. -I'm telling you.

Are you sure you'll be able to go through with this?

I think so. I don't have a lot of choice.

-Hello. -Hello.

It's nice. Hello.

-How are you? -Fine, thanks.

It's quite a place.

-Hi. -Hello. You must be Mr. and Mrs. Hesse?

-Welcome. -Welcome...

...to Casitas Madres.

I think of Casitas Madres as a health resort for expectant mothers.

We want you to completely relax while you're here.

That's really good news because that's exactly what Alexandra needs...

...to just totally relax.

Would you have some lemonade?

I'll have a little if it's okay.

I realize...

...that my appearance might be a bit startling.

It is sometimes difficult for people to take.

If I may speak to your concerns?

Yes, by all means.

When I was a sportswoman on the East German Olympic track-and-field team...

...they dispensed anabolic steroids as freely...

...as here in America they dole out Gatorade.

They pushed it on them. I mean, just...

Nothing was mentioned of the side effects...

...that are now so obviously, painfully apparent.

But I'm all woman.

Believe you me.

Of course.

I'm almost eight months pregnant, and my Larry has to travel on business.

I dread the thought of leaving her helpless and alone.

That's why we're here.

You've come to the right place.

-May I say something else? -What?

You are beautiful.

-Thank you. -Yes, you are.

And you'll love your room. It's got a great big tub.

Big tub. That'll come in handy.

So tomorrow I catch the first flight to Vancouver to meet the Lyndon guys.

Shouldn't take more than three, four days, tops. You okay, honey? Come on.

Okay, right this way.

You have your temperature control and your call button.

It's a very nice room, huh?

And extra blankets in the drawer.

-Here's your key. -I want you to take good care of her.

Of course we will.

-No. -All right. Bye.

Big.

It's nice.

You really think the baby will be born?

I want to say, "Of course. "

But there's no precedent for this.

God knows what's going on in there.

-But everything will be all right? -It better be.

It's my baby too, you know.

Take it easy.

Thanks for everything.


Diana?

It's Alex.

In case you're there, please pick up.

I really need to talk to you.

Push, okay.

A little more gentle with babies.

I love you.


I guess so.


And remember, no names. This isn't a test.

Thanks.

This should be very interesting.

Let's see.

She writes:

"My biggest fear is that I'm not exactly what you call a natural-born mother.

"How will I ever cope?"

You know I think we have to dispense with the myth...

...that some are born with the maternal instinct and others are not.

The little girl tending her doll collection is no more a...

...natural-born mother than the tomboy down the street.

There is no standard. There are no naturals.


Hello, Diana.

Very fetching.

You might want to rethink the earrings.

I'm glad you came.

-I started to wonder if I'd see you again. -I needed some time to think.

And?

It's so unfair what you've done. This is monumentally unfair.

-Will you forgive me? -Don't be asking anything from me.

I totally understand if you never want to see me again.

-I'll take responsibility for the baby. -Wait!

Can we just get one thing straight here? This is my baby, too.

-Don't you ever forget that! -I won't.

-I'm the mother. You're the father. -Yes.

-Is that clear? -Yes.

We'll have to find an intelligent way of sharing the responsibilities.

Creating security and...

...a home life...

...and a normal upbringing!

All this is...

-... very complicated. -I know it is.

And I thought that I would be...

...that I would be the....

You are.

I want us to do this together.


Do you have a private room?

Yes. Why?

Call me old-fashioned, but I'm not having a child with a man I never slept with.

So, where is it?

You coming?


I'd better get out of here before anyone sees me.

If everything is satisfactory, please sign all copies where tagged.

Once we have European approval, the FDA will agree to testing.

-Leave it to us. -Potential for your drug is remarkable.

-We'll be rich. -Loaded.

That's got a nice ring to it. Loaded.


What's the matter?

Would you put this call through to California?

Sure, Dr. Arbogast.

Over there.

I should call the doctor just to be sure.

I just need to lie down.

Damn it.

Lyndon's coming in as partners. This will push us through the FDA.

Are you okay?

Set up an emergency C-section for tonight.

I want everybody out of the building except you and Louise.

You want to do an operation with just the two of us?

Just us. We're the whole team.

You can't do an emergency C-section without an anesthesiologist.

We can handle it. Bye.

She didn't come down for lunch.

-You better call Dr. Talbot. -Right.

Hurry. I need you.

I'm coming! Okay?

-I need the car. I need the keys. -On the desk.

You said to let you know if something was going on here.

Something's definitely going on. They're sending everybody home.

An emergency C-something. Does that mean anything to you?

-Open the door, please. -I want my Larry.

In the meantime, let's have our doctor take a look at you.

There is nothing to worry about. I think it's important that I see you.

I don't want to see you!

-Where is he? -He? Who?

He, my, she, my wife!

She's upstairs. Thank God you're here.

Pumpkin?

-Back! Excuse me! -Thank God you're here.

Honey, open up. It's Larry, open up.

I can take care of her.

-Okay, okay. Just breathe. -Oh, my God! Here it comes!

I feel the baby. The baby!

Oh, shit!

Are you all right?

What the hell are you doing here?

What am I doing here? It's my baby, not yours!

-I put it in there. -My egg.

-Your egg doesn't make you the mother. -Shut up!

Take me out of here!

-Do we have to bounce so much? -Just a couple of miles like this.

You okay, Alex?

Feels like Junior kicked a hole through something.

I want to talk to Sneller.

-I want to die! -Breathe.

-Stop blowing at me! -Sorry.

I'm about a half hour away.

Tell me what is going on.

Someone from the University has a bunch of media out front.

-Damn it! Can you get rid of them? -I don't think so.

-What's this? -I don't want to talk on the cellular.

-Just meet us outside! -What's going on?

Somebody tipped the press.

-What are we going to do? -I don't know. I'm thinking.

Better be big.

You pulled me away from dinner with the University's largest benefactor.

This is big, Edward, literally and figuratively.

Ladies and gentlemen, may I have your attention, please?

Thank you for waiting.

I'm Noah Banes...

...director of Lufkin's Biotechnology Research Center.

This is Edward Sawyer, president of Leland University.

We are here to announce a momentous breakthrough in medical science.

Under my personal guidance and supervision...

...and with the aid of a new wonder drug, Expectane...

...Dr. Alexander Hesse of my staff will be arriving shortly...

...to give birth to a child he has himself carried to term.

-Are you saying he's pregnant? -Yes.

I am saying he's pregnant.

-I see him! There they are. -What perfect timing.

Here he is now, ladies and gentlemen. I give you the world's first pregnant man.

What is it?

What are you doing here? This is my building.

Get out of here. I got a medical emergency.

Go on. Back off.

Hi, mom.

What is this?

It's just a woman.

That's my wife you're talking about.

Hey, Ned. Thank you. All right, okay, baby.

Watch your step.

-Okay. -Up here.

Up! Upsy-daisy.

I've got you.

Give me room. Ned, let's get her in there.

-You told us there was a pregnant man. -There is a pregnant man.

He's having a baby, Edward. I swear it.

You're fired.

-Why are we stopping on two? -It's a surprise.

-I prepped the operating room upstairs. -Good. You did good.

-Thank God. Not yet. -Are they here?

Who's here?

Enough with the huffing. We're all alone.

Imagine a tranquil....

Little birdies.

-In here! -Cheep.

-Forget the birdies. -Thank God! Are you okay?

-Up out of there. -Larry, what is this?

-It's our patient. -What's the matter with him?

My best guess, his baby's tangled in the large intestine.

His baby?

Oh, God!

-Is the room prepped? -Yeah, it's prepped.

Go on, Louise, open the door!

Relax. Just relax.

Get him undressed!

Look at the belly on that guy!

-Please, let me do something! -Look.

This is dangerous...

...both for Alex and the baby.

I don't know what will happen. There's nothing you can do.

Just go outside with Angela, okay? Keep her company.

What?

-Not you? Not now? No. -Yes.

-I'll get someone. -I want Larry!

Easy.

Okay, look.

Let's imagine a garden with trees and birds cheeping. Cheep...

Let's imagine drugs.

-What can I do? -Have the baby for me.

You feel that?

-What? -Feel that?

The drugs are working.

We gave you an epidural.

You'll be awake through this. It's safer that way.

Just try and stay calm.

-Here we go. -Just relax. Think about the baby. Okay?

-Blot. -Blot.

That's good. I'm not leaving you.

-Hold on. I'll check. -Oh, God!

This is hard.

-Where are you? -I'm here.

Do you think he's all right?

-It's all tangled up in the intestines. -Transverse colon's got it.

There's a lot of fluid. It's clear.

Suck it down there.

-Now push here. Push. -Ready?

That's your baby.

It's a girl! Seven pounds, six ounces. She's got her mother's looks.

-Father and daughter are doing fine. -I have a girl?

-What? -Another delivery.

Go in there! Talk to me.

-He's coming, honey. -So soon?

-Louise, wheelchair! -What?

-Why didn't you tell somebody? -I wanted you.

Well, you got me.

-It hurts. -It won't be long now.

Do you want Louise to call the father?

What's the point? He's long gone.

-Does he know it? -Yes.

He sent me a dozen roses and an autographed picture with the band!

Breathe, honey. Just breathe.

-Prepare number two. -You want an epidural?

-You want natural childbirth? -I want drugs!

We've got a little baby girl. Look at her.

You did it.

Isn't she gorgeous?

-Daddy loves you. -I can't believe you did it.

Hello, little one.

She's beautiful!

I'm so proud of you.

I'm your mum.

Just a little bit more.

It's a boy!

-Is he okay? -Yeah, ten fingers. Ten toes.

That's your mommy.

Hello, beauty.

I'm your mama.

Yes, it's your mama. And I'm your...

Could we give it another chance?

Yes.

I'm your dad.

You're my boy.

What should we call her?

Junior.

"Happy birthday to you

"Happy birthday to you

"Happy birthday, dear Jake and Junior

"Happy birthday to you"

He's a big boy.

You're supposed to eat with your hands, not with your feet.

-That's a baby. -There you go.

-Those kids need something to drink. -Don't lift anything.

-I'm not lifting. I'm dragging it. -Let me get it.

-Let me do it. -How are you feeling?

Fine.

-Though I might need to pee again. -I don't miss that part.

Me, neither.

You have to have another, Angela. Jake needs a little brother or sister.

Sure, I'd like to, but I don't know if I can go through that again.

It doesn't necessarily have to be you.

No!

It is the most wonderful experience.