K-911 (1999) Script

Okay. Lets go.

Hey! Hey! Hey!


Another ticket.


Parking on the wrong side of the street?

This is a Ford Dyslexia!

Its gonna be a great day today, Jerry Lee. Come on.

Man: Park it over there.

Man: What? What? What? Its bank day.

All right, I know were here to get some Kibble money.

I'm gonna go to that ATM machine and get some cash.

Stay here and watch my car. I spent a lot of money restoring this car.

You protect my car.

And don't change the music.

Stay. Don't bite my...

Watch for bad guys near my car.

Woman: When's your car gettin done? Man: Wednesday, I think.

Woman: What a hassle. Man: Yeah.

"Checking, savings." No savings, checking.

"Smoker, nonsmoker?" Nonsmoker.

"Democrat, Republican?" Democrat.

Man: Didn't I tell you to stay in the car?

Get in the car. Good boy.

Get down! Police! Get down!

Get down! Police!

Police! Down, get down!

No, not here. Not by my car! Oh, man.

Guard: Code Red! Code Red! We're under fire.

Repeat, were pinned down and under fire.

Some partner you are. Why didn't you warn me, at least?

Guard: Is this guy after the money, or is he just pissed at your car?

Can you reload, please? Thank you.

My speaker!

My stereo.

Were gonna take this guy out. You cover us, and don't be afraid to use the gun!

Come on, Jerry Lee!

Hey, come on. Open up.

Come on. Shut the door.

Okay, so I forgot. Its a bulletproof window.

All right, you son of a bitch, we both have armor now.

We got him.

No, no, not the running thing. I hate the running thing.

Lets go.

Jerry Lee!

Man: Jerry Lee!

Come on. Jerry Lee, come on!


Damn it!


He's gone.

Why didn't you jump? Come on.

What do you mean?

What, are you leavin it all for me? Huh?

Christ, what's with you lately? What's with you?

We almost had that guy.

You know why cops have dogs?

So they don't have to do this! That's the deal.

Management, labor. Foreman, employee.

Boss, secretary. I walk, you run.

I cuff'em, you catch 'em. You get treats, I get a promotion.

I can't breathe!

My car! Jerry Lee, look what he did to my car!

Look what they did!

I couldn't even sell it to a cheese factory.

Hey, Dooley! Check this out.

Its a modified M-16. A company called...

Armaments 2000s doin' the retrofit.

Its supposed to be for military use only.

Where did you hear that? I saw it in a gun magazine.

Did you pick that up on the street? Yeah.

Are you supposed to be messin' with evidence? No.

Give me that. Go get me some coffee.

Well, Jerry Lee, so much for the Brady Bill, huh?

Dooley? What are you doing here? Hi, Captain.

What happened?

Uh, well, there was a, uh, equipment failure.

Equipment failure? The bad guy had Air Jordan's on. It was no contest.

What about Jerry Lee? He needs four little Air Jordan's too?

You mean they make those for dogs? That was a rhetorical question.

You know, Captain, you should let people know when you plan to be rhetorical, cause your tone of voice never changes.

You think you're funny? Sometimes.

This isn't one of those times. Jerry Lee, he just hit me!

Quit bein' a smart-ass. Tell me what happened. Again!

The bad guy had a full body armor on.

That should have given you the advantage. It was that lightweight stuff.

What can I tell you? The guy had a rocket up his ass.

What the hell is that? This here?

Uh, this was the shooters. This is a modified M-16.

A company named Armaments 2000 does the retrofit.

Its apparently for military use only.

How do you know all that? I'm trying to better myself by taking night seminars.

Ah, shut up, will you? You better sit down. You look pale.

Probably because you hit me. And give that dog there a drink of water.

Jerry Lee is fine, and so am I.

You don't look fine. Sit down before you fall down.

Now. Detective Harris? Yes.

Its the smog! Take this to the lab and check it for prints, okay?

You know, Dooley, every time you go someplace lately, people try to kill you.

Well, I'm a popular guy. Look, I'm serious here.

You've lost three suspects in three weeks! Come.

You are either out of your league... I am not out of my league.

Or you've lost a step. What are you talking about, "lost a step"?

You should have taken time off after Tracy died.

That has nothing to do with it, Captain. Oh. Are you sure?

Absolutely sure.

When was the last time you had a physical?

Physical. Is that the blood pressure, when they do the...

I want you both checked out. You understand me?

I obviously can't count on you anymore.

Hey! What about my car?

Have your detailer look at it. He can probably rub it out.

Rub it out?

I guess I can drive it at night. Nobody'll see it.

Come on, Jerry Lee. Come on, get in.

My poor car.

Aw, he got my cup holder too.

Woman: I'm so sorry we're late.

Man: Its okay, I haven't been waiting long, and thank you very much for meeting me.

Dooley: Ah, you know what? Its my fault.

Woman: Devon Lane, this is my husband, Detective Dooley.

Dooley: Nice to meet you. Devon: Oh, the pleasure is all mine.

Devon: I'm so excited. Dooley: Can we get some drinks over here?

"Devon, you want a beer? Its Devon.

Dooley: Devon. Sorry. What's with the tape recorder?

Devon: I'm a writer. I tape everything.

Tracy: Devon, I just want to say that I see real potential in your work.

Devon: Potential? Really? Tracy: Oh, yeah.

He's been a cop a long time. Maybe he can help you with some of that cop stuff.

Devon: Would you? Dooley: Well, yeah, sure. You okay, honey?

Tracy: Ill be fine. I'll be back in a few minutes. Excuse me.

Devon: Tracy told me you read my manuscript.

Dooley: Yeah, I did. I didn't read the whole thing.

I read the first and the last chapter.

That's really all I had time for.

Devon: The first and last chapters? Dooley: I gotta tell ya, uh, its- it wasn't really that real.

Devon: It wasn't real? Dooley: No, it wasn't real. I didn't believe a lot of the... all that cop stuff you have in there, the shootouts and the bank robbery.

That's not really how it happens.

Devon: It wasn't real? Dooley: That's all right. It's your first attempt, man.

Don't worry about it. You'll get there.

Woman: Any loss of appetite? No, I'm eating pretty well.

Not you, the dog. Oh, uh-

No, he's fine.

Okay, I'm gonna increase the speed and incline. Why?

Well, that's the standard test for canines, Detective.



I can hold the handrail. Humans can hold the handrail.

All right, all right, all right.

Have you noticed any changes in him?

Yeah, he doesn't chase the little chuck wagon across the kitchen floor anymore.

Any loss of hearing or smell?

Well, that depends on what you mean by "any."

Well, maybe sometimes, a little bit.

Well, there's nothing wrong with your dog. Really?

He's just suffering from the effects of aging.

You should slow him down a bit. Why?

Would you send your grandfather out to try and do your job?

I wouldn't send my grandfather to microwave popcorn.

So why would you send out Jerry Lee? Cause my grandfather's too old.

So is Jerry Lee. What do you mean? Look at him. He looks great.

Do you know that dogs are leading longer and healthier lives these days?

Where did you hear that? Seminar. At night. I try to better myself.

Oh, you're trying to better yourself? Maybe you should get a checkup.

You've got high blood pressure. Your face is bright red.

That is a drinking problem!

Well, what do you know? You're a vet.

You both need to be on special diets.

The same one? No. You should be on a low-fat, low-sodium diet.

The dog needs to be on a senior maintenance meal plan.

What the hells that?

Lamb and rice for older dogs.

It might give him some flatulence for a week or so, but nothing to worry about.

Nothing for you to worry about. I gotta live with the damn dog.

You trying to be funny? No.

I forgot my wallet, so can I write a check?

Do I get any free samples?

Senior maintenance.

Hey, your day. You checked out great.

You just, uh-

You're out of shape.

Come on. Lets go.

Come on. Lets jump.

Come on!

Hey, hey. Come here, you. Come on.

Come on, just do it.

Ow! Ow!

Come on!

Jump, jump, jump!

Hey! What are you doing on my spot?

That's my spot.


That'll make you feel better.

You all right?

What's the matter with your lamb and rice?

You don't like it? Here.

Huh? Here.

How's that? Nothing, huh?

But this is good for us.

Think we should work out every day.

Very tribal.

Yeah, some insurance company you are. I called the office three hours ago about my car...

Hey! Jeez!

Jerry Lee! Come here. Lie down. Down.

Man: I just saved you 300 calories.

Who is this? You should be drinking light beer.

Less filling, and it won't slow you down.

And Dooley, you better pay attention to the "won't slow you down" part.

I could have beat you running backwards, old man.

What do you want? Don't tell me you haven't figured it out yet, Detective.

Three times in three weeks, Dooley.

I could have taken you out anytime I wanted.

I want you to know how it feels to have someone else control your destiny.

Jerry, down! How it feels to have someone else destroy your life.

What do you want? It's hard to lose a loved one.

Isn't it, Dooley? But then, sometimes life just has a way... of kicking you in the face, just when you think you've got it made.

Hey, why don't you come in.

You and I, we can have a beer, we can chat.

And then I'll bust your ass.

You're in no position, literally, to start playin' bad guy, Dooley.

Dooley: ... about my car. Hey! Jeez!

Jerry Lee! Come here. - "Chapter Six. Spoon-fed information by our hero", Detective Dooley finally figures out he is the target.

But he still has no idea why.

Who is this? Life is about to get a little more real.

Man On Tape: I could have beat you running backwards, old man.

Don't tell me you haven't figured it out yet, Detective.

Three times in three weeks, Dooley.

I could have taken you out anytime I wanted.

Dooley: Well, at least we know now were being set up.

Now, if we could just keep Byers off our back.

You let me do the talkin, huh?

Oh, am I sore.


Dooley: How are you feelin'? Come here.

Come on. Stay with me. You know what, Jerry Lee?

That vet was wrong. Were not getting old.

Were getting sexier and better and wiser.

Man: Everybody duck. Its Dooley.

Don't listen to him.

Lay down, Jerry Lee.

What's with him?

What? He's not a morning dog.

Listen, last night the shooter called. Took a shot at me.

Hit my beer. Why didn't you call it in?

I got another beer. But wait a minute, he said something weird.

Something really strange. He said, "Its hard to lose a loved one, isn't it?"

Is he talkin about Tracy? I don't know.

Could be anything. Could be a revenge act, it could be somebody I know.

I-I-I don't know. Harry Stipe. Harry Stipe.

He swore that he would get you after what happened to his brother!

No, Harry Stipes doin' five to ten. Not anymore. He got paroled.

Harry Stipe is out? Yeah, it just came in.

Stipe is out, and nobody told me? Just came across my desk.

Give me the parole officers name. I want his address. Not so fast, Dooley.

Come on! Give it to me. Sit.

There's some guy out there gunnin' for you. You're not going anywhere alone anymore.

Not this again. Welles, get in here.

Welles? And bring Zeus with you!


Hey, whoa-ho-ho!

Meet your new partners.

No way!

You're not gonna actually let them in here, are you? I certainly am.

Detective Dooley. Officer Welles.

Sergeant Welles now. Oh. Sorry, I didn't know.

Good, you two know each other. Yeah, we had a moment a little while ago.

Before he, uh.

Look, I don't see what that dog has gotta do that Jerry Lee can't do.


Very impressive, Welles.

Dooley? What?

He was trained in anti-terrorist tactics.

Could he go into a mini-mart and pick up a six-pack of beer?

He attacks through windows.

Well, Jerry Lee has mastered Windows 98.

Got his own chat room. "Dogs for Dogs"?

Jerry Lee can do that.

You can do that, can't you?

Captain? I really don't think this is a good idea.

I couldn't agree more with her. Dooley shouldn't even have that dog.

He's not trained as a canine officer. He's a dog with a pet.

Ooh! Aren't we a little moody?

Zeus and I can handle this case alone.

I got news for you. Once I get a parolees address, this case is closed.

Then I got news for you. A parolee doesn't even fit the profile.

Profile? What is this, an Olympic moment?

This is a police investigation here. Really? I wouldn't have guessed.

You don't need a profile to catch a bad guy.

All you need is a good cop with good instincts.

I'm glad you said "good cop," because so far, your instincts suck!

You two are gonna get along great.

Dooley, I need to talk to you alone. No offense, Sergeant.

No offense taken, Captain.

See you outside, partner.

Hey! If you're gonna ride with me, get out of that uniform and be on my desk in five minutes.

"At. " He meant "at." No, I meant "at."

"At." At my desk.


What is wrong with you? Didn't you go to the sexual harassment seminar?

I missed that one. I was-I was at another seminar.

All right, forget about it. Shell probably be cool about it.

Ah, look. Put Jerry Lee outside. He can't testify.

Look, just have him wait outside. He can keep a secret!

Have him wait outside! All right. Come on, Jerry.

Uh, I got a delivery for, uh, Detective Dooley.

Sign, please.

Uh, there's a complementary card in there. Thank you.

I saw the vet report today, and uh, you need to...

Dooley: What?

You better give some serious thought.

You need to give thought to getting a newer dog. What?

Well, one like Zeus. Yes. Zeus?

That crazy, psycho dog? Are you kiddin' me?

He wouldn't last five minutes with me, I'd kill him!

Look, he probably doesn't even drink.

I don't need a new dog. You know what I need is a bigger gun, one like this.

Will you put that away, you idiot? Or one like this.

Where did you get this? This is L.A., not Dallas. How about this one?

Look, I got a guy out there with an M-16 takin' shots at me, and all I got... is this.

Dooley, firearms, that's not the problem. The problem is Jerry Lee.

What? Well, if he misses a step, you could lose your life.

Don't you understand? That's why I'm giving you both new partners.

I read that vet report.

The vet report said you were in the best shape you've ever been in your life.

Alert. Responsive.

He's a killer!

You're a stud dog, Jerry Lee.


You see that? You see his sly and uncanny way?

He's pretending to be asleep so he can pounce.

Good boy, Jerry Lee. Come on. Lets go.

Come! Jerry.

Hot dogs! Hamburgers! Chili!

Hey, Dooley. These flowers were just delivered for you.

Must have been a wild night.

"Was last night as good for you as it was for me?"

Who gave you these? The delivery guy.

What did he look like? Green pants, black belt.

You saw him from the waist down, that's it?

I was sittin' in... What are you doing? Touching evidence again?

Puttin' your prints all over this? Listen to me.

You see these gloves? Yeah. I want you to wear these things. Forever!

Okay. Take these down to the lab and have them dusted.

Welles: Zeus! Come! Come on. Lets go.

That Welles and that stupid psycho dog is probably sittin up at the desk.

You and I can go get the bad guys ourselves.

Hey! We were just looking for you.

Weren't we, Jerry? Check this out.

If you look at the holes, they actually spell out something.

It says, "Even though I'm older and slower", I'm still the same asshole as I was before."

Very funny. That's very funny. You think that was funny?

Come on, Jerry Lee. Zeus!

I can do that.

All right, look. I want to get one thing straight... before we go on here, all right?

What went on between you and me is history.

Now, you have got to let it go.

I don't even think about it anymore.

And neither should you. Okay?

Okay. What do you mean, okay?

I mean okay. Okay, you agree with it, or okay, you don't think about it anymore?

Okay. I don't think about it. How can you not think about it?

You said you don't think about it. Well, of course not.

I mean, I'm-I'm-I'm... But what? What?

What? You're so irresistible, how could I not think about it?

Well- Because, you know, it was one night.

Heat of the moment stuff. Absolutely right!

Right. Get in.

What was that? What? Nothing.

And you, dog, lets get one thing straight between you and me, all right?

Number one: No barking, no drooling, no f- passing of gas... or performing any bodily functions in or about my car.

Number two: You always sit in the back seat.

Number three: Never give me any lip.

That's negotiable. That's negotiable.

Just relax. Jerry Lee, watch him.

Ticket! Look at that!

I think she follows me around.

Just put it in the glove compartment.

Dooley! How many parking tickets do you have?

Put 'em in the glove compartment and shut it. Do you know how to park a car?

Shut it!

Ugh, I'm gonna need a tetanus shot from just sitting in this car.

Dooley: We're going to Harry Stripe's.

Were going to arrest him, and you'll never have to see me again, all right?


Dooley: Your dog likes to look through windows? He attacks through windows.

Dooley: Yeah, but can he sing? Welles: What?

Jerry Lee can sing. Yeah, right.

Hear that? Come on, Jerry Lee.

Welles: I'm tellin' ya, he's not the guy we're lookin' for.

And how would you know that? Because he doesn't fit the profile.

Profile. Welles, this is a profile.

A profile is only good when you're trying to narrow down suspects.

We need a list of suspects first.

Its not him. Okay, then. Stay in the car.

And you too. You stay. Jerry Lee? Lets go.

We are not staying in the car.

Don't look at me like that. Look at you like what?

Not you. Him.

I got a weapon. I'll use it.

We are trained K-9 officers. We don't do "stay in the car."

Why don't you... and your little puppy go in through the back?

He's not a puppy. And why do we have to go in the back? Why don't you?

We don't do back doors. Come on!

Wow. Look at this.

You know, I hear they're converting this to condos?

If we take some out of your money market fund, we can buy one of these and use it as a rental.

I hear conversions can be a great investment.

Condos and-Jesus!

I mean, Jesus, I'm glad you're here.

Watch our backs, please.

All right, Jerry Lee. Time to go to work.

Wait up. Come on.

Jerry Lee. This is Harry Stipes.

Remember? Come here.

Sit down.

Where is she now? We should have went around back.

What's the matter, Harry? I hit ya?

Harry: You son of a bitch! You ruined my best pants, man!

Ooh, you got a potty-mouth there, buddy!

You kiss your mom with that mouth?

Throw out the shotgun, and any other weapons.

And don't forget any.

I got Jerry Lee here with me.

You know what hell do if he finds them!

Hey, listen, man. You just keep that dog away from me, all right?

I don't want to deal with Jerry Lee again, man.

You know, last time we met, it wasn't a good thing.

Jesus, Harry.

What, are you planning to go back to night school? I need a little protection.

You know what I'm saying, man? Is that everything?


Okay, Jerry Lee.

Oh! Oh! Hey, man, you get that dog away from me, man. Back it up, Harry.

Easy, Jerry Lee. Easy. Check it out. Back up, Harry.

Hold it right there. Stipe Easy, doggie. Calm down.

Shh! So, where you been lately, Harry?

Shootin at armored cars? Makin' midnight calls? Welles: Zeus!

What? Step away from the window, Harry.

Huh? The window, Harry. Step away.

All right, man.

So, where were you yesterday? What do you mean, man? I was right here.xxxx Don't lie to me, Harry. I'm not lyin' to you, man.

Look, you see this? Its not a social beeper.

Its a house arrest bracelet. It's like a LoJack on my leg.

It goes off, everybody's here.

Cops, SWAT team, my parole officer, everybody!

All right, okay. Let me see your parole papers.

I'm really happy you're here, man, I gotta tell you. And you too.

They're out there and they want to kill me.

They want to kill me. Here you go, give it to him.

Ooh! Hey, easy.

Thank you, Jerry. Hey, man, you know what?

I want to thank you for putting my brother in. Where'd you get the gun Jerry?

Oh! They were here when I moved in!

Oh, really? I didn't see the sign when I came in: "Free cable and ammo."

Oh, yeah. There's a sign. Jerry Lee?

Fat Tommy, man. Fat Tommy got 'em for me.

I thought you couldn't leave the place. He delivers.

So, if he didn't make it in 30 minutes, you get free ammo?

Hey, you know, I didn't think about that.

Fat Tommy get military weapons too? Oh, yeah. Military stuff.

He's got everything, man. He's got a big-time supplier.

Who? I don't know.

Police, freeze! Aah!

I heard gunshots! Wait. Where's my dog?

Dog? What dog?

Great instincts, Dooley. So, what now, big guy?

Dooley: You know, after battle, dogs and men like a treat.

Jerry Lee was good, so he gets a treat!

Where's he goin'?

Uh, he knows its treat time.

I can't believe you're going to feed your dog this.

Surest way to kill him is with this garbage.

He should be eating nothing but senior maintenance.

You know what? I tried that senior maintenance. I liked it. I mean, with a beer.

I don't have any money. I forgot my wallet at the station.

You got $30 on you? Figures. Yes.

Hey! What's with your dog? What? He's fine.

I don't think he likes me.

What? What's with this guy? He has to go to the rest room.

Oh. Oh, to be a dog. Excuse us.

No, no. He wants some privacy. Do you mind?

The dog? The dog.

Thank you. I like it myself sometimes.

Excuse me? Excuse me.

Have you seen a white poodle?

White? Mm-hmm.

No. Mm-mm.

Hurry up!

Where's your dog?

Jerry Lee? Jerry Lee!

Hey, what language is it that you speak to that dog?

Dutch. He was trained in the Netherlands.

Oh, the Netherlands! Scuse me!

Jerry Lee was trained in Oxnard.

You know, the best K-9 dogs come from Oxnard.

I could learn so much from you, Dooley.

God, I hate it when people don't pick up after their dogs!

Breed their dogs in the park.

They don't take care. They breed dogs in the park. That's the worst thing in the world..

Dooley! What the hell are you doing? Have you lost your mind?

Jesus, do you always throw women around the park? Stupid kid.

Let go. Tell the mutt get off.

Clog! Heineken! Heineken! Oppenheimer. Dutch Schultz!

Come on, let go. Let go! Zeus!


My shirt. He wrecked my shirt.

Jerry Lee!


Where have you been? What, did you take her out to dinner too?

Come on, I got your hot dog.

You get lucky, I get shit.

Come on. What took you so long?

Dooley: Hey, Welles, give me a. I thought he was gonna shoot ya.

Welles What? A kid with a toy gun was gonna shoot me?


Welles: Why are we parking all the way out here?

I don't want anybody bangin' my doors.

Banging your doors? Your doors are all shot up.

Don't be so negative. Oh, Zeus.

Come on. Hey, Jerry Lee. Come here.

What is that smell?

Smell? Oh!

Mikey. What's up, man?

Excuse me.


You know where Fat Tommy is? Never heard of him.

Fat. Tommy. Big guy. Never heard of him!

He's big. He's got a big belly. Is he at brunch now?

Don't know who you're talking about. Buffet? Lunch? Dinner?

Nope. Come on, you must have seen him walkin down the street.

With a light on him, he looked like a fire truck? Never.

Jerry Lee, you hear that? He never heard of Fat Tommy.

Thanks, man. Nice haircut.


I can do that. Keep your elbows up.

Little higher. That's it, that's it. Yeah.

Gonna get some tape.

Gotta wrap the tape.

All right, everybody. Listen up!

Yo! Listen up!

Yo! I'm talkin' to you, Rocky!

I'm lookin' for the Fat Man.

Oh, I didn't know this was "I'm not talkin' to the cop" day. I understand.


That's quite a command you have there, Dooley.

Well, smarty-pants, I thought maybe Id let you and the psycho dog, you know, do a little work.

I think we will.


Come on, lady, call your dog off!

You know, your dog has some real control issues.

Think you should work with him at it.

You know.

Man: Whose mutt is this?

Okay. Now watch some real police work.

Man: Get this dog outta here!

What the hell are you idiots doin up there?

Hey, Fat Tommy, how ya doin?

Keep that dog away from me!

Wow! Look at you! You've lost a lot of weight.

You're lookin' good, Fat Tommy!

What, did you have your stomach stapled? Keep that dog away from me.

I'll sue you this time, I will.

You might have to, unless you tell me who's sellin' the M-16 retrofit.

I don't know what you're talkin' about. I'm a legitimate businessman.

Say hello to Jackie Hammer. Maybe you heard of him.

They call him "Fists of Steel."

He's the super middleweight kickboxing champion.

He's the ultimate fightin' champ.

I don't get that pay-per-view, you know?

I'm sure he's very good. I'm very impressed. You impressed, Jerry Lee?

Show him, Jackie.

Fat Tommy: Jackie, stay away from that dog.

Hey, Fat Tommy, what are you worried about? He's a good doggie.


Good thing your boys got a cup on, huh?

Otherwise, he'd be known as Little Jackie Hammer.

I bet you got a lot of money on this guy, huh?

What kind of a psycho would teach a dog to do something like that?

Actually, he taught himself. Jerry Lee.


The name, fat man, or the boy loses his nuts.

Tell him. Please.

Phil Cage. Phil Cage? As in, "Phil's Salvage Yard"?

Yeah. Jerry Lee.

You can let go now. Jerry!

By the way, you look good. You've lost a lot of weight.

Keep it up. Thanks, Dooley. I'm in the zone.

Yeah, its workin' for you.

Fat Tommy: I told you guys never to get caught in the corner.

What was all that Kung Fu crap about? It wasn't Kung Fu.

It was Krav Maga. God, Dooley, get out of the 70s.

Zeus and I trained for two months at the Israeli Defense Force.

Oh, yeah? What did they feed him? "Kibbutz n' Bits"?

Ah, "Kibbutz n' Bits." Did you like that?

Come on, now, I know you thought that was funny. You're laughing inside.

You shouldn't hold it in like that. It's not good for your health.

Phil's Salvage. This is Phil speaking.

Dooley and the police are raiding your place in ten minutes.

Who is this?

Get the boys, get the money, get the guns, we gotta get the hell out of here.

This is the perfect place for your car.

Shall I call and have a black-and-white pick us up?

Very funny. Cute. Almost quaint.

I'm gonna go and talk to Phil.

I want you to stay in the car. What?

Stay! I'm not a dog.

Well, that's obvious. Dogs listen.

This time, were going in the front.

Fine! Its your choice! Oh, you're actually giving me a choice?

Yeah. Front, back? Well take the front.

Fine. No, no, no, no, no. I see what you're doing here.

What do you want? I want the front.

Then we'll take the front. Well l'll take the back.

What happened to "Jerry Lee and I don't do back doors"? I'm trying to compromise, dear.

You want the back? Yes.

Then well take the back. Fine. I'll take the front.

No way! That's what you wanted me to say, and that's what you wanted me to take.

Well take the front. Fine! Take the front!

I don't care! Sure you don't. We'll take the back.

Zeus! Bad dog. Bad dog.

Works every time. Come on.

All right. Keep your eyes open, Jer.

Man: That you, Dooley? Yeah, its me, Phil.

Hey, Phil. What's goin' on here? I thought you went legit.

Oh, I could bullshit you, Dooley, but the truth is, its easy money.

Come on!

Those new guns, Phil? How do you like'em?

Well, from this point of view, they're quite impressive.

You know, Phil, this is your third strike.

They're gonna lock you up & throw away the key. Why do you think I'm shootin' at you?

Its nothin' personal. That's nice to hear.

That's very caring, loving and supportive. I had a good mother.

Zeus, stay!

Oh, boy.

Dance! Dance!


Ah, what is life if not to dance!

What kind of piece you usin'? 9mm, standard issue.

Yeah, I could set you up with something special. Yeah?

Tell me about that M-16 retrofit.

Little too pricey for you, Dooley.

You got any names? I didn't ask it!

You know what he looked like? I wasn't looking at his face, I was looking at the money.

I'm sure he looked like your average, creepy kind of gun nut.

A lot like you! Well, Phil, you're gonna need that sense of humor... when they lock you away for the rest of your life...

Wearin' that cute little sun dress.


You cook too? A lot of takeout.

Cuff him. Call for backup.

I'm goin' after Phil.

Come on, Jerry Lee.

Oh-oh-oh, man!

Down! Down! My car!

Move, move, move, move, move, move, move!


My car!

Oh, no. Not the running thing again.

Come on!

Yeah, yeah. Look at that. Look at that bike.

Come on, come on!

Drop the gun! I can't.

Jerry Lee? Where are you?

Dooley: Jerry Lee!

Oh! Oh! Holy shit!

You're under arrest!

You have the right to remain unconscious.

Anything you dream will be held against you in a court of law.

Its about time you got here, Jerry Lee!

Jerry Lee?

Everything okay? Yeah.

Jerry Lees fine. He only drinks water every couple days.

Just like a camel.

Probably on his fathers side. That's an interesting trait.

Its very efficient too. He pees all at once.

Is your dog on steroids or something?

No. Why? I've never seen a dog like that not pant.

He's not tired.

How old is Jerry Lee? Oh, I don't know.

Well, how long have you two been together?

Its the longest relationship I've ever had.

You've got everything tied up here, so we've got a couple of personal things to take care of.

Come on. Come on.

Man: Ah, too bad, Dooley. Where are the marshmallows?

Can somebody give me a ride?

Oh, this is a hill!


Ah, this is too much.


You know, this isn't a bad mode of transportation, Jerry Lee.

No gasoline, no insurance.

No parking tickets.

I gotta get a little carriage seat for you in the back, though.

Hard day, huh, Jer?

A lot of action today.

Hey. Come here.

Come up on my spot.

You can sit up on my spot. Attaboy.

There you go. I just love ya the way you are.

Good dog. Powerful dog.

Handsome dog. Pretty dog.


Hey, you want some chili?

Oh, you want more brush?

You want some chili? I can make you some chili.

Got pretty ears. Look at your ears, how pretty they are.

Look at that. You're so handsome.


Hey! Hey! Hey, that's my car.

No, no, no, no. Its not junk. It's not junk.

Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on!

Get this thing out of here. No, no. Not my car.

Get this garbage truck out of here!

Back it, back it. Back it. Back it up. Up! Up! Up!

Look, I just had it towed back here.

What the hell do you think you're doin'?

My car!

For cryin out loud.

A ticket!

Jerry Lee?

Hey, Jer?

Made your favorite coffee.

Half cream, three tablespoons of sugar.

Hey, Jer.

I think its a good idea you stay home today.

Take a nap. Get a little rest.

I'm gonna put on some videos for ya.

There, look, I got, uh- I got Beethoven, your favorite.

The original. Jer?

Dooley: Oh, Jer.

Jerry Lee?

What are you doing?

We can't go in this car.

Jerry Lee, you can't go.

You can't go to work with me today.

Jerry Lee, come on. Go inside.

Go inside.

Oh, you're playing Mr. Deaf, are ya?

Do you want a time-out? You want a time-out?

Fine. Time-out!

Time-outs over. Now you're grounded. You are grounded, young man.

You go up into your room, no music, no TV, no Beethoven, no park!

You gotta go to the bathroom? Backyard for you.


Come on!

I'm gonna count to three, and if you're not upstairs, in that room, you're in big trouble.



Two and a half.

Three! Fine!

Fine, go! Run away, Mr. Independent, I-Dont-Need-Mr. Dooley!

Go on, Jerry Lee! Go with your friends!

Sure, grass is greener on the other side, huh? Who are you yelling at?

Jerry Lee. Why?

Oh, Mr. Big Shot decided to run away.

All right, so, jump in the car.

Well go look for him. Zeus will seek him out. No, no, no, no.

He has to come to me. That's the prodigal son. He's gotta go and come back.

I would be doing him damage if I went and chased him down the street.

I am not gonna do it.

Jerry Lee?

He's just been actin' so weird.

Did he ever run away before? No.

He's very sensitive. Just like you.

I'm not sensitive. He's sensitive. I'm.

I'm just moody.

Dooley: Jerry Lee!

Well, maybe Byers is right.

Maybe Jerry Lee just can't cut it anymore. Byers said that?

Yeah, more than once. So, that's why he assigned us to you.


Where is he going?

Dooley: There he is!

Welles: In front of the storage building.

Jerry Lee!

Jerry Lee, what are you doing?

I'm sorry, Jerry Lee. Did I hurt your feelings?

What's with you? He's not running away, Dooley. He wants you to follow him.

Zeus, come!

I think he's on to something. I hate stairs.

Jerry Lee?

What do you got? He's keying in on something.


Okay, Jerry Lee, back off.

Move out of the way. What are you doing?

I'm picking the lock. We do it all the time.

That's what worries me.

You have a better idea? Yes.

One of us will stake out the room from across the hall, the other will go get a warrant.

Jerry Lee and I do not do warrants.

Or back doors. What else don't you do?

We don't do flavored coffee. We don't do aroma therapy. We don't do raw fish.

Normally known as sushi. Yes, we don't do that.

We don't do tofu. We don't do collagen. We don't do colonics.

We don't do e-mail. We don't do head shrinkers, group therapy, social workers.

We don't do cute little doggy outfits. We don't do shopping.

We don't do Near Beer or little speedos. Thank God.

And we don't do sporks. I get the point. I'll get the warrant.

Don't touch the lock.

And we don't do, "Ooh, is that a pimple on your back? Can I squeeze it?"

Jerry Lee, she didn't say we can't touch that lock.

That's it.

You're a good singer.

Okay, were done singing now. All right? You happy?

Stop it! Stop! Come on. The bad guys gonna hear us.

Yeah, see? Look. I could stuff you and put you on the wall.

See? Like a moose head.

You know, you're the best dog I ever had.

You're the only dog I ever had, but you're still the number one guy.

You know, this is hard for me to say, but-

Get away from me. Is that you? Was that you?

Oh, my God! That is rancid!

What did you eat?

Did you just cut another one? Did you?

There's something alien in you!

Whew! Whew! Whew! Whew!

You're off that lamb and rice diet!

Oh, God!



Oh! Oh!

What is that smell?

What? What smell? Oh, don't tell me you don't have a sense of smell.

My God! My eyes are watering. It was Jerry Lee!

Stop blaming the dog. Honest to God, it was Jerry Lee.

That is so sad, man. You need to go to a doctor.

No! I swear! It was Jerry Lee!

All right, I got the warrant. Shoot off the lock.

I advise you to wait, however, considering the gas in this room.

You're gonna blow us up.


Oh, yeah, he's a gun nut, all right.

Welles: Looks like he's some kind of writer.

Everything's written under a different name.

He's got pictures of his girlfriend or his wife hanging up.


Its not his wife. It's mine.

Welles: They're picking up the manuscripts later.

So, what do you think? I mean, they're all cop stories. Every one of ''em.

Tracy was an editor.

That rejection letter she wrote was really nice.

Tracy was nice in every way.

That's why you disappeared that night that we, um-



I'm sorry about that.

No, don't be sorry. It was nothing to apologize for. You just weren't ready.


Dooley, you really gotta stop blaming yourself for what happened.

No, I'm serious. Listen, people die.

That is a fact of life.

You're a really good cop.

And so is Jerry Lee. You got really great instincts.

You know? And they can't teach you that.

Trust me, I know.

Thanks. You're welcome.

Is he gonna bite me? Probably.

You know, that dog is very co-dependent.

Can I take him in the other room? You can try.

Zeus? Ham, cheese?

Look what I got. Look what I got.

Come on. Lets go in the other room.

That's good. Come on. Come on. Come on.

That's my finger. No, that's my finger. That's my finger.

You want a time-out? Want a time-out? Want a time-out?

My finger, my finger. Let go, let go, let go.

Thank you. Dooley!

I'm not gonna share. Dooley, come here!

What? Come here.

What? This guy. This guy is writing about you.

He's got everything. He's got the bank shoot-out, Harry Stipe, Fat Tommy.

Who wrote this? Um, I don't know. A guy named Jeffery Barnes.

Probably a fake name. Barnes.

No. These all have different pen names.

Who's the hero?

Devon Lane.

Right? Yeah. Devon Lane.

Devon Lane. Devon Lane.

I don't know why I- I know Devon Lane.

Devon Lane turned in a manuscript to Tracy.

She rejected it, but she wanted me to meet with him... to talk to him about what is was like to be a cop.

He was really strange.

He kept staring at her through the whole-


I'm gonna have an APB put out on him immediately.

Good work. You too.

Hey. Hi.

I'm kinda hungry.

You hungry? You wanna eat? Yeah.

Yes! I am a good cook.

I am a great cook. I'm gonna fix you something.


You're gonna love it. You're just gonna love it.

I'll clean it up. I'll clean it up.

Damn! I'm gonna get tupperware.

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"Coldsky." "Brrrsky."

All right, all right. I'm dropping it.


Wanna go for a walk?

Go for a walk?

Watch her.

Okay, don't move.

Okay, a date. I wanna take her out on a date.

Date. "Daten-wagen."

"Daten-varganaire." "Daten-schwarnenegger."

Tulips. Heineken, Amsterdam, clogs.

I gotta get a Dutch dictionary.

All right.

I mean, she, you know- She came on-What?

You gotta go? You gotta go?

You know, I like this neighbor. She's a really nice old lady. You shouldn't-

Oh, my God.

All I got are twenties. That's all I got is a twenty.

Oh, my God!

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Good night, Zeus.

Come on. Go to sleep.

Go to sleep.

Zeus, lets go.

Good morning.

Good morning.

Good morning. "Guten-morning."

What do you think?

Like it?

Okay, bud, its you and me.

Don't blow it.

Breakfast, anyone?

Was it something we said?

Did she leave?

Well, its you and me again, Jerry Lee. Come on, outside.

Come on, come on, come on. Leave me the marshmallows.

She's calling, probably to apologize. Come on.

Hello. You know, you could've stayed for breakfast.

Devon I heard you finally got around to reading my masterpiece.

Poignant, huh?

You wanna know the ending?

If you get to her first, she lives. If you don't, she dies.

How's that for real, Dooley?

See you soon.


Where's that number?

Pick it up. Pick it up. Come on. Answer it.

Pick it up!

Damn it!

Telephone Ringing.

Byers. Hey, Dooley.

What? Wait, slow down. Slow down.

What are you talking about?

He's after her. Welles, that's who! Welles!

Oh, no, no. Come on. Huh?

He would never come here. He's not that crazy.

Listen to me! Welles You're completely surrounded.

Shut up! You're in a police station, for Gods sakes. Oh, my God.


Hey! Hey, what are you doing?

What are you doing with all these tickets? You're following me!

You got a vengeance- A boot? You put-

I need a ride! There's an emergency going on. I need to take-

Here. Here, I'm sorry. You want this?

You want this? That's what I think-Hey!

Get in. I'll show her.


Officer: Get down! Get down!

I can't see him! Officer 2: We're under fire!

Devon: Take your shot!

Goddamn it! Put your gun down! Byers: Hold your fire! Get down!

Stop that man! Welles: Everybody get down!

Devon: Shut up! Its all over.

Byers: Lay down, everybody! Lay down!

Oh, for crying out loud.

Byers: Hold your fire! He's backing out!

Okay, lets move up! Come on! Officer: Move! Move!

Come here!

Zeus, go on back!

Welles: Back up!

You'll never make it out of the building. That's not the ending I wrote.

Hey! Well, the good guy finally arrives, just in time to see another loved one die.

Let her go. This is between you and me.

I got the station locked down, Dooley. He can't get out.

Now, put the gun down, Devon, and nobody gets hurt!

Did you know he killed his wife?

I didn't kill her. Tracy was very sick, and she died.

Sick of you. Sick of being a cops wife.

You drove her to an early grave.

Get your dog back. Dooley: Can't do that. Get him back, Dooley.

You think he listens to me?

Get your dog back, Dooley. Get him back, or Ill shoot him right now.

Tracy loved that dog.

Loved that dog more than anything. Not more than me.

She didn't even know you! Yes, she did. She read my book.

That's me in that book.

She said I had potential. She believed in me.

Dooley: I'm sorry I didn't like your book. You didn't even read it.

I read part of it.

Devon: Tracy didn't have any problems with my writing being real.

She liked my work! I won't shoot the dog. I'll shoot her.

Shoot him, Dooley. Just take him out. Shut up!

Shut up, Byers! Shut up, Byers! Shoot him!

Shut up! I'm not gonna shoot him.

He needs help! I don't need help.

Yes, you do.

Tracy would want you to get help.

She would? Yes, she would.

You're just saying that. No, I'm not.

You're lying to me. I'm not.

Yes, you are. You're lying to me.

All right. I'm lying to you.

I can't help you.

I don't wanna help you. You're an idiot. You're a nut. You're a jerk.

You understand English, or do I need to speak in Dutch?


You all right? Yeah.

Byers: He's going upstairs! Let's go!

Come on, Dooley! You can make it!

Only two more flights, Dooley!

Devon: Come on, old man!

I need E.M.S. vehicles and a SWAT team on the roof. Right away!

You're pathetic, Dooley!

What Tracy saw in you, I'll never know.

You didn't deserve her!


She said my character was strong.

She said I had potential!

Come on, Dooley!

Come on, old man!

She wrote me a letter, Dooley! She ever write you a letter?

You moron!

That letter she wrote you was a rejection letter!


Aah! How do you like the ending to my book, Dooley?

Do it! Ill do it when I'm ready.

Do it!

Go ahead! Do it!

Shut up!

I'm in control here, Dooley.

This is my story, not yours!

Where do you want it?

Cause I'm deciding where you should get the next bullet.

You got any preferences?

Is this real enough for you, Dooley?

You did it! What took you so long? Whimpering.

I knew you could do it, buddy.

Welles, cuff him.

Wait! You can't have dogs in here.

They're police officers, ma'am.

They're dogs! Get them out of here.

The California State Health Code, section 4578, says absolutely... under no circumstances are dogs allowed in the hospital.

What? Come on. Jerry Lee.

Come on. Don't slime me. Your breath is so bad.

What have you been eating?

Okay. I'm okay.

Don't do that!

Welles, I wanna thank you for picking me up.

Are you actually showing me some gratitude, Dooley?

Well, yeah, I'm trying. Good boy.

I am not a dog. Yes, you are.

Dogs get treats. Treats?

Dinner. What do you want? Chinese or Italian?

Oh, you pick. Your choice.

Oh, you're actually giving me a choice? Yes, your choice.

Well, then I pick Chinese. Chinese is fine.

No, that's what you wanted me to say. We're going for Italian.

Well, Italian is fine. You actually want Italian?

Yes. Then we are going for Chinese.

Chinese is fine. I don't care. Yeah, sure you don't.

Works every time, Jerry Lee.