Kate & Leopold (2001) Script


Time.

Time, it has been proposed is the fourth dimension.

And yet, for mortal man, time has no dimension at all.

We are like horses with blinders seeing only what lies before us.

Forever guessing the future...

...and fabricating the past.

Brilliant. Quite right, Your Grace.

How, you ask, can we lift these shackles and live not in the moment..

...but in the glorious expanse of time's continuum?

Listen, and I shall tell you.

The secret lies in the enduring power of our achievements...

Yes! ...our creations!

As the pyramids testify to the Egyptians... so my glorious erection shall represent...

...our culture in perpetuity.

Behold, rising before you the greatest erection on the continent.

The greatest erection of the age!

The greatest erection on the planet!

Hold this. Of course.

For the Herald, Your Grace. I understand you'll be making an important announcement tonight.

Good afternoon, ladies. Please, excuse me, please.


And the Perrier-Jouet should be chilled. You understand? Chilled. Yes, sir.

Leopold! Leopold, where have you been?

Leopold!

Otis, I demand explication! It's half past 5:00! He's not even dressed!

He'll be ready, my lord. I assure you. I don't want him ready. I want him resplendent!

Ah, Miss Blaine.

You dance like a... like a herd of cattle.

You are a rare woman who lights up a room simply by leaving it.

Might you be rich, Miss Blaine? You see..

...whilst I am the third Duke the little secret of those of us in the Royal Court...

...apart from our general uselessness is our massive indebtedness.

It's always been your misfortune, Leopold...

...that you so thoroughly amuse yourself with the sound of your own voice.

In a life as stagnant as mine..

...that I can amuse myself at all is an evolutionary marvel.

Please don't touch that. The device you were jabbering about.

To take priests to the bell tower.

To take anyone, Uncle, to the floor they so desire.

Buildings continue to climb. Soon they will outstrip the stamina of our legs.

You speak of progress and invention.

Yet what I offer you downstairs is reality.

Take a wife. Marry.

Marriage...

...marriage is the promise of eternal love.

As a man of honor, I can not promise eternally what I have never felt momentarily.

Born into privilege, yet perversely ashamed of it. That is your tragedy.

My God! If my brother could only see you, he'll be heartbroken.

You are no duke! Of course I'm not.

The monarchy is dead, Uncle. We are relics. That is reality.

The new Royals are men of accomplishment. Men like Roebling, with his bridge..

...Edison, with his lamp, Diesel, Bell, Westinghouse...

Those men made themselves from nothing!

You, on the other hand, were born with everything and from it, fashioned nothing.

As of tonight, I wash my hands of you.

Take a good look at your dance card, Leopold.

A wealthy bride is your only surety.


Your Grace, may I present Miss Tree of the Trees of Schenectady, sir.

Miss Tree?

It's an honor to be making your royal acquaintance, Your Highness.

Shall we?


I've never been to England... but...

Father's teeth were made there.

He's quite rich, your father?

Oh, yes..


Many dreams, all useless.

Who are you?

No, no, no.

Please, wait, no. I don't want to harm you. Stop! Please!

Sir, wait!

Please stop! Please!

Stop! Leopold!

Pardon me. Pardon me.

Go! Go!


Stop, sir! Please!

Oh, my God.

No!

Let go!

Just let go. It's okay!

You don't understand! Let go!

Oh! I don't want to hurt you! Let go!

What?

I'm sorry. Well, you should be.

It's just that... if a guy like that can get a girl like you, what's left for a guy like me?

A guy like that can get a girl like me.

But a girl like me will never love him.

Are you saying you love me?

It's possible.

Turn it up higher.

Some more, turn it up higher.

I've never felt so happy.

That's right, you can just leave it blank, Ok?

It's really just about what you're feeling. All right?

Guy in the windbreaker right there.

Two ladies right in front of him.

Hey.

So how did you think it went?

Well, if I had to guess, mid 60's.

Why don't they love it?

She's not likeable. She's right.

Absolutely. I can do some trims where she sleeps with her boss.

Cut that whole section. Excuse me?

Excuse me. What are you talking about?

The movie, Richard, your movie? I'm aware of that.

I want to say something.

I think Julie is likeable. Very likeable in this picture.

And real.

What, excuse me, you've never made a mistake in your life?

You have no flaws? You never slept with the wrong guy?

I'm not the protagonist in a major motion picture.

Let me tell you something, you people, you are sucking the life out of American cinema.

Richard, come on.

It's a comedy. But it's also a drama. It can be about something.

"You are sucking the life out of American cinema."

"You are sucking the life out of American cinema"?

Maybe he's got a point, though? What?

Well...

Don't you ever think that what we do is a bit... crass?

We find out what regular people think and we pass on their wisdom.

That's what we do. Is that crass? Is that cold? I don't think so.

We make peanut butter creamier. We make cereal crunchier.

Sit-coms funnier. Boring movies shorter.

We made Smuckers get the seeds out of their jam.

We did that. If you ask me, we're heroes.

It goes with the territory every once in a while some pompous jerk... sticks his head out of his cave and says...

"Hey, I like seeds in my jam. Without seeds it's just jelly."

"You people are sucking the life out of my condiments."

I say to him... this is what I say to him, Darcy...

You, baby, are one percent of one percent.

Your opinion is irrelevant.

I went out with a visionary like you for four years.

And I had to pay his rent?!

Because he couldn't stoop down and get a job, like the rest of us?

This is not about Stuart. Yes it is!

It is about Stuart. It's about anybody who can't face up to reality.

I don't care if it's crass. Give me the number. Give me the bottom line.

Give me the truth straight up, no chaser.


Bart!

Quiet!


Oh my God!

We must remember, Bart...

...that sometimes, it is okay to color outside the lines.

Hello? My Palm Pilot. You still have it.

Kate, it's 1:00 in the morning.

And clearly you're awake, so what is the infraction?

Look, Kate, I don't know where your Palm Pilot is.

And I can't do this right now. Not now. I'm expecting a call.

Oh, Bart. Oh, I'm sorry, baby.

She is not a happy person.

Goddamn it!

You know what, Stuart? You know what? I'm... - Kate...

Please. I've got somebody here, okay?

I know. I saw her.

No, you didn't. Yes, I did!

It's a him, if that's any kind of consolation to you.

So, look, now that you know I'm not getting laid, just go to bed, okay?

Nuh-uh, don't. Do not hang up on me, Stuart. Don't do that.

Kate, please.

I beg of you. Something big is happening.

Something...

...that validates my entire life.

"Something that validates your entire life." What could that possibly be?

Are you sitting down? Yes.

No, you're not. Yes, I am.

No, you're not. Ye...

Okay.

I found it.

What did you find? A portal.

A crack in the fabric of time.

It was over the East River, Kate, just where I said it would be.

You found the portal? A portal into April 28th, 1876.

I jumped off the Brooklyn Bridge...

...and took a walk in 1876 today.

I followed my great, great grandpa, around old New York.

Are you listening? Avidly.

This here's the twist, Kate. Here's the kicker.

What's the kicker?

He followed me home.

Your great-great grandfather... Yes.

Viscount of Buffalo. No, he's not a viscount...

The Duke of Buffalo... No, the Duke of Albany.

Albany followed you home through a crack in time. He's a brilliant engineer.

He patented the counterweight pulley. He invented the elevator, for Christ's sake.

You know what, Stuart? You know what? I'm not your girlfriend anymore.

I haven't been for a whole month now.

You can tell me the truth. I am telling you the truth, Kate.

You can tell me you went and picked up a transvestite in Times Square. I don't care.

You know what, Kate? This is it, right here. This is it, in a nutshell. Our downfall.

You never... not once... believed in me.

Oh, I did, Stuart. I did, for four years. And I got burnt.

Okay, you want to know who he is? I'll tell you who he is.

He is a hacker. High end. English. I know him from Columbia.

He's in town for the Mac Expo at the Javits.

We went out, got a little sloppy on Guinness and he passed out on my couch.

And that's the truth? Mm-hmm. That's the truth. Okay? Are you happy now?

Is that plausible enough for you and your little focus group?

You know what, Stuart?

I blew my best years on you.

Those were your best?

Look...

I'm sorry.

I have to go. You'll get your Pilot in the morning.


Orange alert.

What is it?

Bart! No!

Bart, stop!

It's okay.

You? It's okay.

Where am I? Well, um, there's not an easy explanation for that.

If it's a ransom you seek, my uncle won't pay a cent. Except, perhaps, for my demise.

No. no. You're not being kidnapped. Bart, quiet!

I can scarcely see, thanks to your spray.

My eyes feel like Steak au Poivre. So I ask you again, where the hell am I?

As far as I'm concerned... you might be Jack the Ripper!

And you would have me believe that I'm being detained at present in the hereafter? The time to come?

Yes. Bart, quiet! He needs a walk.

And you would have me believe that you you are my progeny.

A product of a marriage unmade.

Yes.

Oh! And you would have me believe that you have found a crack in time.

You, of all people, should understand. I mean, you're a scientist. You invented the elevator.

What is an elevator? What the hell are you talk... Where the hell am I?!

I told you... you haven't actually gone anywhere. You're still in New York.

That, sir, is not New York!

I'm afraid it is.

No, Kate. Hello. Hello there. What's your name?

Leopold.

Tell me something. I'm having trouble with my G-5.

How much RAM do I need to properly run OS 9.6?

Clearly, the Mac Expo is out.

So you must be a man out of time? Or Sergeant Pepper?

You know what? Actually, we could use a little privacy. Stuart, I want my Palm Pilot.

I'm not... I'm serious. Maybe later on, Kate. I just want my Palm Pilot, Stuart!

No. No. Hey, give me my Palm Pilot! Give it to me.

This is madness.

This is madness. Who was that? I feel as if I've seen her...

Women have changed since your time, Leo. They've become dangerous.

It's on the landing!

You say this is no kidnapping. You say you mean no harm.

Then why is it, sir, you will not unlock the door?

I'm sorry, okay? I'm sorry about her. I'm...

Look, with all due respect I can't let you just go running around free out there, okay?

This is New York City. It's not such a safe place anymore.

Look at you. You look like some sort of psychotic escapee from a Renaissance faire.

I understand you have some anxiety but you have to trust me.

I'm going to get you home, okay?

I promise.

Bart!

The portal opens up again next week. Monday.

I know that, because it was my back-up in case I didn't make it last night.

It's on a cycle, you know? Kind of like, uh... total eclipse.

Once every 20 years. You understand?

Generally, I understand everything. Since I've met you, nothing.

I can only assume I'm in a nightmare brought on by agita, or else I am dead.

You're not dead. Come here. Sit down. Here.

Want some milk in yours?

Bart, can I just have...

Sorry. He's really got to go out.

I'll be honored if you took a look at those.

Um, I'll explain everything when I get back. He's got to go out or he's going to drop a bomb in there.

Come on. Let's go.

Back in five.

One quick trip to Spectra, Bart...

...and you and I will be Nobel Laureates.

Come on, Bart.

Hey, let's go.

Come on. Let's go.

Oh, Jesus!

Oh, God.

Good boy, Bart!

Stay!

Stay, Bart! Stay!

Oh, Bart, please stay!


Stuart you forgot the pointy thing!

Stuart...

Look, this is not complex. He gave me the Palm Pilot but he forgot the pointy thing.

I've been warned about you. Oh. Really?

And what, pray tell, did the great disappointment say?

That you were dangerous, though you hardly look it. Oh, really?

A lady in trousers isn't dangerous, merely plain.

I take it you're a career woman. Yeah, market research.

Mm. Fine avocation for women, research.

Perfect for the feminine mind.

You're a trip, Lionel.

I myself once courted a librarian in Sussex.

Good for you.

I must confess I feel as though we've met on a previous occasion.

Well, Lionel, seeing as I've never met a single friend of Stuart's.

I'm not even sure he's ever had any. I really don't see how that's possible.

Oh, man! Bart!

He just made Lake Erie out there. You just can't toss a dog out into the hall like that.

You can't do that. I assure you, I did not.

Let's go. I beg your pardon?

Come on. Let's go!

Bart...

Look, pal, I don't care how many elevators you got. This one's in my building.

Hang-hang on a second.

Sorry about the elevator, Miss Kate. I've got them on the phone right now.

Hey, Gracy. This is Lionel, Stuart's friend.

How do you do?

Ten minutes? I need someone here right now.


Watch it, man. I beg your pardon.

Hey, what are you doing?

You need to be going that way. There's an electron...

Hello? Hello? There's an electronics store. Hello?

I'm sorry, miss.

There's a patch of grass across the street. Take him there. He'll do his business.

Can you give this to Stuart, please? It's his cable bill.

They haul our furniture and cradle our children but this morning, from the Battery to the Bronx... elevators have mysteriously...

So sorry.

I do beg your pardon. Stupid!

I beg your pardon.

Are you going to remove that?

I beg your pardon?

Pick it up and put it in the trash.

Absolutely not.

Maybe you don't understand. It's against the law to leave it there.

Are you suggesting, madam, there exists a law..

...compelling gentlemen to lay hold of canine bowel movements?

I'm suggesting you pick the poop up and throw it away now.

I refuse. Respectfully.

All right. What's your name, fancy pants?

Leopold...

Alexis Elija Walker...

...Thomas Garrett Mountbatten.

All right, Stuart.

Have a nice day.

I appreciate you putting in a good word for me but J.J.'s not back from London.

Right. Bye. What's with the elevators? It's happening everywhere.

Darci.

Last page.

Sorry.

Did everyone live happily ever after?

He lost his leg to gangrene waiting for her on the island.

But they're together now. Wonderful.

Oh, look, you got your Palm Pilot back. A nightmare.

Okay, so who do I owe?

Okay, Bobby at Hasbro. Reeves at Crunch.

And the finals came in for "Love for Sale." The call with the studio's at 4:00.

The margarine thing's in 15 in the conference room.

J.J. wants to talk to you before that. Oh, and one more thing.

I remember that you told me to start thinking ahead...

...so I know your brother's getting back..

...from his retreat tomorrow and if you want something in the fridge... Darci...

Can you tell me why I'm upset right now?

Because, uh...

J.J. called this morning. That is why I have a cell phone. So you can call me...

Kate, Kate, he didn't call. He just popped his head in here and spoke two sentences.

So he's back?

Margo says he's going to make a big announcement about the merger next week.

Margo? What does she know? How does she know anything about anything?

Oh. All right.

So he popped his head in here. All right, so you have to tell me exactly what he said, Darci.

You have to start at the beginning and tell me...

He said, "Tell Kate I'm going to sit in on Farmer's Bounty."

J.J.

Good morning, Kate. Good morning.

I'll see you in there.

Good Lord, it still stands.

The world has changed all around it but Roebling's erection still stands!

That, my friend, is a miracle.

What? It's a miracle, man!

It's a bridge.

Tell me when did they adapt it for steam engines?

The fire brigade.

I don't know how it happened. I found him in a shaft.

Stuart!

Leopold, what are you doing out here?

Get back inside!

They're taking him to Goodman Memorial.

Fresh creamery butter.

Is there anything more comforting?

There is and I know you will agree when you try Farmer's Bounty...

...with the essence of real butter in every bite.

Your first choice. However, 45% of our demo circled "shifty"...

...as his key descriptor. Not good.

This is what I say. Everybody should be trying Farmer's Bounty..

...with the real, rich, creamy taste of real butter.

Try it, and you will be losing pounds. Poof! Boom! Voila!

Your second choice. Unfortunately, the group found him obnoxious, abrasive..

...and a whopping 72% found him just plain creepy.

The spot rolls out in four days. We have to...

The product is shipping. What the hell am I supposed to do?

We have to do another session. Tomorrow.

I had my assistant book the response room at National so we can decide then and there.

Kate, are you all right? You okay?

I'm fine. Geez, Kate, I'll ask for a decaf.

Monica, I need you to call Barney's. I need a white blouse, size small...

...in Kate's office by lunch.

Oh, dear.

Hi, you've reached Stuart. Please leave a message.

Leopold? Leopold, look, don't be frightened. This is Stuart, okay?

Is it Bell's talking telegraph?

I saw a prototype at last year's faire. I need you to pick up the handset, Leo.

You pick up the green handset, because I need to talk to you...

Are-are you there? Hello?

Leopold, thank God. Listen, they're taking me to X Rays.

Everything's going to be fine but you have to stay in the apartment, do you understand me?

Oh, Stuart, I saw Roebling's bridge today.

I saw it... complete. Yes, yes, but listen to me.

You can't go out again. You have to stay in the apartment.

Stay in the apartment? For how long? Leo, I'll be back tonight. I promise.

No more field trips.

Would you...

Hel... hello? Stuart?

Hello?

Blast!

Hello.

Hello.

Who are you?

Hector. My mom works late on Wednesdays...

...so I watch TV with Stuart.

Want some Pirate's Booty?

Excuse me, J.J., I wanted to thank you for the shirt. That was very nice.

Come in, come in.

Yeah. Uh-huh.

Absolutely.

Oh, good, good. Yeah, she's here right now. I'll tell her.

Okay... okay. Bye.

Sit down.

That was Barry. He was thrilled with your work at the screening last night.

Oh, good. Good.

You're a rarity among women, Kate.

I'm sorry?

You don't cling to illusion. You don't get...

...caught up in emotion.

You don't do pretty.

I don't?

You skew male. You're like a man.

A man who understands women their desires, their needs.

You understand them but you're not really one of them.

You don't mind my being frank, do you? No. I don't. No.

Edamame?

Kate?

But one day, he lowered the Jolly Roger... Stu?

...and set sail in search another kind of treasure.

Not money, not jewels, not gold... but a bride.

Despite his being a ruffian of the brine fearless in his plunder...

...and merciless with the sword the Pirate King was also lonely.

You see, he had never met a lady.

He never met a girl?

No. Not a girl, not a lady, not even his own mother.

So what happened?

As with all comedies the most ridiculous thing imaginable... the Pirate King fell in love with the major general's daughter.

I had the good fortune to see the premiere last month at the Fifth Avenue Theatre.

Since when is Penzance at the Fifth?

Is it your habit, sir to simply enter a conversation without introduction?

Whoa, you are deep in it.

It's cool. I'm an actor, too. I'm Charlie. I live downstairs.

Kate McKay, senior vice president.

Darci, it hasn't happened.

All he did was dangle a carrot. Until he makes a decision..

...the pressure's doubled. When's he going to make a decision?

We're having dinner tomorrow to discuss it further at Commune.

Kate? Yeah.

I have Stuart on the line. No!

He says he's... No!

...in the hospital. kate: I got the number of a specialist. a bone guy-- he did cdavid cohn's elbow-- so he'll check on you tomorrow. you're not listening to me, kate.

I can't be here tomorrow.

I can't be here today.

I have to go home now.

Leopold is just sitting alone in my apartment right now. God knows what could happen to him.

Do you know he got outside today?

Of course he did... I made him walk your dog.

What?

No, Kate, you can't do that! He can't go outside!

Jesus Christ, Kate. He's from 1876, Kate.

He doesn't know our customs. If something were to happen to him it could be catastrophic.

His mere presents has already caused an occlusion.

Occlusion!

If he doesn't go back on Monday, I may cease to exist!

I'm his decedent, Kate, along with God knows how many other people.

If he doesn't go back to April 28, 1876, he doesn't get married, he doesn't have children, and you want to know what?

What happened with the elevators today, well that's going to seem like a walk in the park. - Stuart!

This is embarrassing. It's embarrassing now, all right?

I'm sorry that you got hurt.

But there happens to be a lot going on with me right now.

Someone has to keep an eye on him.

Stuart, he's a grown man.

He's a grown man. He's fine.

He can take care of himself. No. Wait. Aah! I'm going.

Kate, please.

Just take this to Spectra, okay? Get it developed.

You'll see... I'm telling the truth. Tell Manny it's important.

You want double prints?

That's not funny, Kate. This is not a joke.

You need help, Stuart. You need help.


Charlie?

Hey, Kate!

Can I see you downstairs for a minute?

I invited someone to dinner. He's up there all alone.

Stuart's in the hospital. I didn't think you'll have such a problem...

No, you didn't think, Charlie. You didn't think.

You came home early, one day early from actor camp.

Okay, it's not actor camp and yeah, I came home a day early, all right?

There was this tai chi broad who kept trying stick her fingers...

No, this is the point. You immediately march upstairs to my ex-boyfriend's apartment...

...and you invite his freakish friend... See, that's what it's about. It's not that I went up there.

It's that it was your ex-boyfriend... No, it's not about Stuart.

Greetings, Kate. Charles.

Hey, Leo.

Be nice.


So, when's Stuart getting back? Couple days, maybe a week.

He promised me that he would return late this evening.

Well, maybe he will, Leopold. He's so big on keeping his promises...

May I have the next course?

There is no next course.

Where I come from the meal is the result of reflection and study.

Menus are prepared in advance timed to perfection.

It is said, without the culinary arts the crudeness of reality would be unbearable.

We had a saying in the McKay house:

"You shake and shake the ketchup bottle. None will come, and then a lot'll."

What is that? I beg your pardon?

Why are you standing?

I'm accustomed to stand when a lady leaves the table.

Tell me, Charles when Stuart and your sister were engaged...

...did you happen to read his papers on the temporal universe?

I spent the morning perusing them, and must confess...

Stuart and I were never engaged. Not even close.

But I did read...

Thank you.

But I did read his papers however, to show support.

Is Stuart still trying to make a time machine?

That's the beauty of it, he discovered no machine was necessary.

All one had to do was to develop formula to forecast portals...

...natural windows in the fabric of time.

Apparently, Stuart located one utilizing modern...

Utilizing modern theories of weather prediction.

What's a portal?

An opening which exists for but a moment.

This explains why one must jump through it from a height... in order to achieve the required velocity. The speed of gravity, to be exact. It's quite brilliant.

You are so method. You don't even break for a second, do you? It's unbelievable!

Oh, stop it, please! No more! Stop, please? I beg you. I'm tired. Can you go away?

Can you just go away? Can you go away?

She's drunk, Leo. Oh, shut up, Charlie!

And you, can you go upstairs? Can you go away?

I am truly sorry if I have offended you in any way.

Goodnight, Charles.

Goodnight, Leo.

What the hell was that?

He thinks he's from the 19th century, Charlie. He thinks he's a duke.

I know.

Isn't that cool? No.

Kate, he's in character. He is an actor.

Oh, really? For what show?

You know that just because someone doesn't have a paying gig...

...it doesn't mean they're not working on their craft.


What's going on here?

I think there's something wrong with his, uh...

...thing.

Give me that telephone. No.

Give it to me. No, I need to...

What do you expect me to do? You took away my cell phone.

They're not allowed on hospital property. I have to make a phone call!

You're not going to make one now.

No, no, you don't understand. This is a very important phone call.

I have to leave this hospital now. I can't be here anymore.

Mr. Besser, I am tired of telling you this.

You are not going nowhere until Dr. Feinstein signs your release!

Did you ever take any earth science, Esther, hmm?

You look like a smart woman.

Ever hear of the time-space continuum? Sounds important, doesn't it? Well, it is.

You want to know something, Esther? It's broken! Okay?

And I'm the only guy who can fix it.

So why don't you go down the hall there and get on your little telephone...

...and call Dr. Feinstein...

Goodnight, Mr. Besser. You tell him that...

You tell him that I...

Point the toes, pull your shoulders back.

Take a deep breath in and then exhale into downward-facing dog.

Oh, be quiet! Be quiet... oh!

Bart, shut up!

That thing is a damned hazard! It's just a toaster!

Well, insertion of bread into that so-called toaster produces no toast at all...

...merely warm bread! Inserting the bread twice produces charcoal.

So, clearly, to make proper toast it requires one and a half insertions...

...which is something for which the apparatus doesn't begin to allow!

One assumes that when the General of Electric built it he might have tried using it.

One assumes the General might take pride in his creations...

...instead of just foisting them on an unsuspecting public.

You know something?

Nobody gives a rat's ass...

...that you have to push the toast down twice. You know why?

Because everybody pushes their toast down twice!

Not where I come from.

Oh, because where you come from...

...toast is the result of reflection and study.

Yes, you mock me.

But perhaps one day, when you've awoken from a pleasant slumber...

...to the scent of a warm brioche smothered in marmalade and fresh creamery butter...

...you'll understand that life is not solely comprised of tasks, but tastes.

Say that again.

Pardon me?

Did they start yet? Yes.

Session list.

Leopold, Darci. Darci, Leopold.

I'll like him to read. Can you tack him on at the end?

And, Leopold, go with Darci. She'll take you to the greenroom and explain everything.

I need to work out. I need a place I can work out.

If I could get Mr. Duke? Is he ready? Where is he?

Oh, my God, look at this. Let's skip this one.

Mr. Duke, right here on the floor.

Excuse me, that's your mark, right there. Just stand on that tape line.

Look, forget this guy. I can't waste any more time, J.J.

We need to make a decision now.

All right, we've got plenty of good choices. Let's cut it off, Kate.

That would be a mistake, J.J.

Kate, the client wants to move on.

We should see this last guy. It'll... Two minutes!

I think he looks like the Quaker Oats guy.

Well, Phil, it's really not about what you think. It's about what they think.

They've been in a coma all day and now look at them.

To them, this guy is a dream.

He's handsome, honest, courteous.

Stands when you walk in a room. Brings you brioche in bed.

If you eat his margarine...

...maybe your hips will shrink and he'll come to your door.

I take it this is to be delivered in direct address as on Geronimo.

Geronimo? He means Geraldo.

Exactly.

Okay, everyone... quiet please. And action.

Start talking, bud.

Fresh creamery butter.

Is there anything more comforting?

I say there is.

And perhaps you'll agree when you sample fat-free Farmer's Bounty...

...with the genuine essence of creamery butter in every bite.

With every mouthful of Farmer's Bounty you shall receive butter's...

...luxurious comfort in your mouth without adding to the luxury of your waistline.

Not bad, Kate. Where'd you find him?

He lives in my building.

Where do I sign? Right here, and here.

That was spectacular, Kate. Thanks, J.J.

A lot to talk about tonight at dinner.

Nice work, Mr. Margarine. Thank you.

Outfit was a great idea. Nice.

Yes!

Yes! Yes!

Yes!

You seem pleased. Oh, you did so great in there!

Man!

You are going to be on a national television spot!

I take it you're dining with that man tonight.

Huh? Oh, yeah, J.J. He's my boss.

You require a chaperone. His intentions are obvious.

I'm alone with you. Do I need a chaperone?

We're not courting, Kate. If we were, as a man of honor...

...I would have informed you of my intentions in writing.

Good day.

Hey!

Kate, why don't we take one of these. They're for tourists.

Sorry, she doesn't seem interested. Oh, hey, hello. Hello.

Hey! Hey!

Hey! Hey, you...

Kate!

Hey, you asshole!

I'm going to get you!

Hey! Asshole!

Goddamn it.

Give me your hand. What?

Your hand, woman!

What do you think you're doing?


I warn you, scoundrel I was trained to ride at the King's Academy...

...and schooled in weaponry by the palace guard. You stand no chance.

Where you run, I shall ride and when you stop, the steel of this strap will be lodged in your brain.


Your boyfriend's a very good rider.

Yeah.

Are you for real?

Pardon me?

Are you for real?

I believe so.

You're a duke.

I was born a duke.

I've never felt like one.

Stay. Sit.

On your feet. Stay.

Stay.

Good boy.

I'm off to dinner. What are you two doing?

I don't know. Maybe we'll watch the rest of the game or go out or something.

Oh, thank you.

Kate, may I repeat my offer to serve as a chaperone?

No, thank you, Leopold.

Charles, don't you find this inappropriate? As her brother, I would think...

As her brother, I would think that my sister would invite me to an audition.

Could be just me, though. Seems kind, but...

Charlie.

You're not exactly a margarine spokesperson.

I can't sell butter, Kate? I don't mean to be insulting...

It's insulting. I'm an actor. You don't have faith in me to sell butter?

No. No. I'm sorry.

I can do British, Kate. I'm an actor.

I can be anybody! You're a very, very good actor.

I am a good actor. You are. Okay, fine. all right. A Victorian dude who's never...

...seen a Mets game watching TV. Okay.

Scene... I say, are those little people in that box of phosphorous?

Crikey, I believe it is! This game's more beguiling than cricket!

Good golly, oh, Jesus! It looks like Mike Piazza just hit a game!

How about Canadian? Oh, right on. Right on, you like butter, huh? Yeah, what's that aboot?

Good night. Good night.

...all those people up in that stadium. Know what they probably could go for? Some margarine!

When your friend walked in in that outfit I was getting a little nervous for you there.

"If you eat his margarine, maybe your hips will shrink." It's brilliant.

You saved Phil from his own ambivalence.

I knew it was the way to go... in my gut.

I'm counting on that gut.

Can I get a bottle of your 95 Lynch-Bages and a bottle of Evian?

I'll tell you one thing... your friend is going to be bigger than Mr. Whipple.

You're not sleeping with him, are you?

No.

No.

Leo. Leo, come on. Come here.

How's it going, man?

See the girl with the long brown hair? That's Patrice.

She's lovely. She's mine.

Congratulations.

Hey, everybody, this is Leo! Leo, this is everybody.

What's up? Dennis. Hello.

Shelby, Allison, Monica.

And this, this is the insatiable Patrice.

Hey, Charlie.. Hey. How do you do?

Patrice, let me assist you. Thanks.

You got it? I was going to get it.

Let me get that for you.

There you go.

You look nice tonight. Very...

Like a Judy Blume book.

That's good, because I thought for a moment that body of water here was a moat.

No, that's a pond. The gardens are devastating.

They are. They're very, very beautiful. Ooh.

You'll have to come and see them firsthand. Right, right.

After the merger I'm going to be stuck over there, setting things up.

I'll be craving a little face time from my new top honcho in New York.

What are you saying? I'm saying you should come visit.

I'll fly you over for the weekend. Oh, yeah, I heard that.

The other part... the part before that. The part about the top honcho.

I didn't understand that, that part.

How about catching an opera Saturday? La Boheme's at the Met.

Okay, so she comes back... the audience is about to leave...

...she comes back on stage and she starts squirting the audience with this turkey baster...

...filled with this pine mist.

And she's screaming "Un-sex me! Un-sex me!"

But no tears. Just raw human passion.

Isn't Willem Dafoe part of that group? Yeah, and he did this monologue about how...

...all the best things in life are hidden in people's basements.

Like the Louvre.

I'm sorry. You were saying, Charles?

Just... No, what about the Louvre?

Tell us what you were going to say.

Well...

...only a fraction of the Louvre is on the walls. The rest is in the basement.

You've been in the basement of the Louvre? Oh, yes.

I was an art history major at Vassar.

And so, what's down there?

Well, that's where the real show begins. Unspoiled by dilettante.

DaVinci, Michelangelo, David, Chardin.

"Allow me to assist you, Patrice. Oh, let me light that for you, Monica."

"What, this? This is my family crest. Been in the family for..." Oh, in the basement?

"What do they have in the basement? Why, the works of da Vinci...

...Michelangelo, Chardin, David...

...all surrounded by great coral sponges to absorb the moisture."

Just for the record, I was working it.

I was in the zone and I would have gotten her number if you hadn't turned the evening into a guided tour of the Louvre.

My apologies.

Let's get one thing straight. Patrice, she thought you were cute... probably gay and cute.

And cute, Leo, that's the kiss of death. Perhaps.

Perhaps? Certainly. I believe this is her number.

As I see it, Patrice has not an inkling of your affections. And it's no wonder.

You, Charles, are a merry-andrew.

A what? Everything plays a farce to you.

Women respond to sincerity.

This requires pulling one's tongue from one's cheek.

No one wants to be romanced by a buffoon.

Now, that number rings her. Yes.

So ring her tomorrow. I can't. She gave the number to you.

Only because I told her of your affections.

Wha-What did you say?

Merely that you admired her but you were hesitant to make an overture...

...since you'll been told she was courting another.

Shit. That's good!

Wha-What did she say? She handed me the napkin.

Charles, it's quite late. No, no, no, she won't be home yet.

I get her machine, I leave a message ball's in her court.

You're ladling calculation upon comedy. The point is, to keep the ball in your court.

You're right. You're right.

Okay. Nothing need be done till tomorrow.

Tomorrow. Then I make my move.

An overture, Charles. Make your intentions known.

Think of pleasing her, not vexing her.

No vexing.

You're intoxicated. We should retire. I'm sure Kate will be home.

I doubt it. But it's nearly midnight.

You like her, don't you? Who?

Kate.

You do! Oh, Charles, Charles.

You like my sister!

Well, you made your intentions known, right? Right?

You've been drinking. Leo, Commune... right around the corner.

We could stop in, you could give me a couple of pointers...

...pull out a chair or two you could throw out a gesture here or there.

Yeah, see, it's one thing with Patrice. You don't give a shit.

It's a whole other ball of wax when it's a girl you like, huh?

Yeah, who's the merry-andrew now?

You want to vex my sister!

I have to confess that I'm a little bit confused.

No. Thank you.

When you asked me to dinner tonight I was under the impression that we were here to discuss...

The merger. Yes. Right. Yes.

And a possible promotion. Yes.

Yes, that, too.

And, well, dinner is winding down and we haven't really discussed...

...anything even remotely relevant to what I thought we came here to...

I don't believe I've ever seen you this flustered, Kate. You haven't even kissed me yet.

Yeah. Right. Well...

I like you, J.J., I do. I like you quite a bit.

Um, as a matter of fact I think you would agree that a working...

...a successful working relationship requires a great deal of...

What exactly is our working relationship?

Hi, Kate!

Hi, Charlie.

Well... what are you doing here?

We just thought we'll come by to say hi. J.J., right? Right.

Kate. Might I have a word with you? Now?

In private. No! No.

Mr. Margarine.

Please... please join us.

And where did you say it is? In Sussex.

Near Ballmour. Yes.

Built in the 18th century. Early 18th century.

Really? Are you quite sure?

Yes. He's got pictures, Leopold.

Perhaps you were swindled, because I can assure you...

...as of the late 19th century there's nothing but farmland near Ballmour.

You're mistaken. That's not possible.

Well, it's quite possible, Leopold, that you are mistaken.

No, it is not.

...the only manor house in the county. I know because I grew up there.

Leopold, it wasn't...

Leo, do you enjoy opera? I do. And do you?

Oh, yes. It keeps... keeps me alive.

Do you have a favorite? Boheme. La Boheme.

I've seen it 12 times. That's... that's how I learned to speak French.

You speak French? Fluently.

What did he say?

"How sweet your face looks gently encircled by the soft moonlight."

Oh, I like that.

From the opening scene of Boheme. A stunning duet.

Andre sings it to Mimi. Andre...

I invited Kate to the Met next week. She's never been.

Patrone is singing Andre, and she turned me down.

Can you explain that, Leopold?

Well...

La Boheme is one of man's great achievements and should not be missed.

But perhaps Kate resists on moral grounds.

How so?

Should we get the check? Well...

...some feel that to court a woman in one's employ...

...is nothing more than a serpentine effort to transform a lady to a whore.

J.J.

This guy's charming, Kate.

The Duke of Margarine thinks me a serpent.

No, he doesn't. No, not a serpent.

That's too grand a word. Simply a braggart and a cad...

...who knows less French than I, if that's possible.

And by the way there's no Andre in Boheme... it's Rudolfo.

And though it takes place in France it's rarely played in French...

...as it is written in Italian. Good night.

Sorry.

Kate, might I have a word?


Morning. Hi.

You want some coffee? No, thanks.

You want to read... you want to read your paper? No, thank you, Charlie.

I want to go to work and try and clean up this mess you made.

You sure you don't...

Kate... Uh, Kate!

What? I-I just thought maybe you'll want a-a kiwi for-for-for the subway.

That's a papaya, Charlie. Oh. You're right. Okay.

But while using the product...

...80% found the product too soft to be...

...effective.

This, of course, presents a conundrum for us marketeers.

How do we maintain a soft feel on the exterior of a plastic wrap or pack while retaining...

...the useful tensile strength in the sheets?

Now, I'm going to suggest to the Summer Soft people...

...to scale back to a limited release of the product...

...in the mid-Atlantic states, where we can refine the product...

...on the basis of extensive...

Dearest Katherine...

I behaved as an imbecile last night...

...animated in part by drink...

...in part by your beauty and in part by my own foolish pride.

And for that I am profoundly sorry.

Please accept as a gesture of apology...

...a private dinner on the rooftop tonight at 8:00.

Okay, where are we on Farmer's Bounty?

Kate?

Care to share with us?

Farmer's Bounty?

Where we are.

Where we are is good.

Um, as you know, we found our spokesperson.

The response room final showed a 96 in the top two boxes.

His key female descriptors... were "handsome", "romantic" with several write-ins of...

"What a hunk."

Great.

J.J.?

J.J., hi.

Um, listen, I just want to apologize again for what happened last night. There was no need for things to get that way.

I appreciate that.

So... everything's okay?

Yes, Kate.

I didn't jump; I fell.

There's a difference... a subtle difference, but nonetheless a difference.

So,why did you fall down there? Because there was no elevator.

And you feel that was your fault?

Look...

If you brought your great great grandfather forward in time before he'd had a chance to invent the elevator or spawn his seed it stands to reason that nature would correct itself and the elevator and you would cease to exist. but, clearly, you do exist.

You know what, I'm sorry.

I got to concede that you are a very busy man...

...and I'm sure there are plenty of peopleclamoring for your particular brand of attention.

Unfortunately, I am not one of them.

So if you don't mind, would you please unlock this door?

I'm concerned you might be a danger to yourself.

And in such cases...

Will someone please open... Aah! Aah! state law requires that I keep you under..

Fuck!

Everything all right, Dr. Geisler?

Yes, Gretchen. Everything's fine.

Stuart, I'm going to prescribe something called Prolixin.

It's a mild antipsychotic. Nothing too strong.

"I was wondering... I was wondering if you would like to accompany me..."

"If you've already been previously engaged I understand."

Tonight at 7:00, 7:30. Please don't be late.

I got to talk to you about this, okay? ’Cause there's some shit here that just cannot be said.

Did you assemble a bouquet for Patrice?

Look, you just can't tell a woman she's... "gracefully serene".

No, no, this will not do.

Wha... Why? What is wrong with this one?

The orange lily implies extreme hatred.

The begonia and lavender danger and suspicion, respectively.

Every flower has a meaning, Charles.

Might I suggest the amaryllis...

...which declares the recipient a most splendid beauty.

Or the cabbage rose.

Darci!

What is this? It's a reply to Leopold's invitation.

You're going, right?

I haven't decided yet.

Oh, you haven't decided if you want to have dinner on your rooftop with a duke?

Who thinks he's from 1876! No!

And I would appreciate it if... Kate, come on, okay?

I don't know what this guy did to piss you off...

...but that is the best apology letter in the history of mankind.

Just sign it, Kate. It's 4:30. We'll fax it.

Kate McKay's office.

They hung up.

Hi. Is Patrice there?

Hey, Patrice?

Hi. It's me, Charlie.

Hey, Charlie. I was just calling to find out...

...if you got my flowers... your flowers.

I was calling to see if you got the flowers I sent you.

Yeah, I did.

And I was just wondering if you would like to go to a movie tonight...

...and maybe afterwards perhaps accompany me to dinner?

I mean, I... I understand completely if you're otherwise engaged.

But, uh, you know, I just wanted to say that, um...

Yeah?

I wanted to say that you've, uh...

...you've made an impression on me.

And-and it-it's not just the way you look...

I mean, which are great. Your looks are, you know, top-top shelf. But, uh...

I don't know, it's, um...

What?

You're graceful.

You know, the way you move and speak.

I mean, some people have a way with words and, you know, you...

...you do.

The bottom line is, I like you.

Patrice?

What about 7:00?

7:00?

7:00 would be heaven. Okay.

See you then.

It worked! It worked cool!

Who's going out with Patrice? Charlie's going out with Patrice! Charlie's going over there.

Oh, better go get ready. Better go get changed.

Shouldn't change too much, though ’cause she likes me for who I am.

Hey. Charlie, you look fantastic.

Yeah? Yeah.

I got a date. I got to go.

Bye. Bye.

Kate? Yeah?

Um, have a good time tonight.

Bye.


My God.

This is beautiful.

The very word for which I was searching.

May I?

She was a real romantic, my mom.

When Prince Charles and Lady Di got married, she had a party.

She made crumpets and jam.

It was like a Super Bowl party, but for moms.

She cried for a week.

I don't know the story of Prince Charles and Lady Di.

Oh, you don't want to. It's a cautionary tale. Further proof.

Of what? You can't live a fairy tale.

I'm not very good with men.

Perhaps you haven't found the right one.

Maybe.

Or, uh, maybe the whole love thing is just a grown-up version of Santa Claus... just a myth we've been fed since childhood...

...so we keep buying magazines and joining clubs...

...and doing therapy and watching movies with hit pop songs...

...played over love montages...

...all in this pathetic attempt...

...to explain why our love Santa keeps getting caught in the chimney..

Otis always told me love is a leap.

Lamentably, I was never inspired to jump.

By my 30th birthday, I had, according to my uncle, become a blemish on the family name.

So he brought me to this country with the proviso I marry an American.

A girl with a good deal of, um...

Charm?

Money.

Since my parents died our family fortune had become, shall we say, depleted.

I would be married now if I hadn't followed Stuart. I was to announce a bride that night.

Who?

I don't know.

Someone. One of them.

What are you doing?

I'm just cleaning up.

Would you do me the honor of a dance?

Please?


I am not much of a dancer.

You're doing famously, then.

Leopold...

...this was lovely.

But I don't know if I can leap even if I am inspired.

People might think I'm brave, but I'm not.

The brave are simply those with the clearest vision...

...of what is before them.

Glory and danger alike and notwithstanding, go out to meet it.


Hey.

Morning, Charles.

How was your evening with Patrice?

Good.

Nice.

How was yours?

Good.

Nice.

So, Leo, don't you think it's time you tell me who you are?

What do you mean? I mean...

...it's a blast doing the duke thing with you 24/7, but...

...I don't want to see Kate go through Stuart: The Sequel.

I know she seems pretty tough but she hasn't had it that easy.

She's always getting stuck with people who don't hold up their end.

Like me.

I just don't... I understand, Charles.

You do? Yes.

So...

...who are you?

I am the man who loves your sister.

Okay, door's open.

Shut the lid.

Push the drawers in.

Close the door, and...

...you push this button.

A word to the wise: Don't press that till she wakes up.

So she sees you doing it.

Oh, clever. The proverbial tree in the woods.

If a man washes a dish and no one sees it...

Did it happen? Right.

A cup of coffee, my dear. Thank you.

Breakfast?

Nine-grain toast with strawberries and mascarpone, madame.

It's...

...apparently low...

...in polyunsaturates.

It's really good.

It's good.

What should we do today?

Oh no, no, no, no, no, no.

Thank you. No.

You know what makes me happy? You don't look good in those.

They're so completely inappropriate for you.

Kate.

Kate, Kate, come.

Leopold?

Leopold?

Hey, what are you doing? It boggles the mind that it is still here.

This is my uncle's home. Well, was. This is where I lived.

Good Lord.

A portrait of my parents... and me.

Uh... uh, Leopold?

Look, I just don't think that we should just be barging around here like that.

Leopold?

My old quarters.

What are you doing?

The place where I put everything I most cared for.

Things I didn't want my uncle to touch.

My mother's ring.

Oh, it's beautiful.

You know, I live on an island...

...connected to everything by bridges...

...and I never cross them.

I've lived here for ten years, and I've...

...never been to the other side of anything.

You've never traveled?

No.

Do you...

What?

Do you miss where you're from?

In a way, I...

I miss...

I miss its rhythm.

It was slower?

Quite a bit slower.

Like today? Yes.

Do you hear that, Leopold? Do you hear that music? Yes.

Have you ever seen the movie Breakfast a Tiffany's?

Uh, no. "No."

Not yet.

You see that guy down there with the light on? Mm-hmm.

He listens to the soundtrack...

...of Breakfast at Tiffany's every night until exactly midnight.

And then he turns his light off... goes to sleep.


Oh, that means it's Sunday. Oh, I don't want it to be Sunday.

I want more of this. More 1876.

But, Kate, you don't work on Sundays. We can have more.

Well, oh, no, ’cause Sunday is the day before the day I work, so...

...it gets poisoned.

I see.

Besides, tomorrow is the day we shoot your commercial.

Kate.

Would you...?

Might you ever...

...consider...?

It's time for bed.

I'm so relaxed. That's all right.


You're tucking me in. Yes.

Huh, you're my Otis.

Yes, Your Grace.

Oh, wait.

Hey, hey, don't... don't go upstairs. Stay.


I love you, Kate McKay.

Scone, Your Grace?

Ah, thank you, Millard.

And you brought the Farmer's Bounty? But of course.

Ah! Fresh creamery butter.

Is there anything more comforting?

I say there is...

...and perhaps you'll agree when you sample fat-free Farmer's Bounty...

...with the genuine essence of creamery butter in every bite.

With every mouthful of Farmer's Bounty...

...you shall receive butter's luxurious comfort in your mouth...

...without adding to the luxury of your waistline.

Farmer's Bounty. Now, on this one

...take a bite and smile.

And... cut! All right, check gate.

Good enough for me. Can we get a Dedo up here and something...

Oh, excuse me. Excuse me.

Is this an actual sample of Farmer's Bounty?

Yeah. Why?

This tastes like saddle soap. Well, that's not really your concern, now, is it?

Not my concern? This product tastes like raw suet.

How is that not my concern? Hey, pal, it's a paycheck!

Wait a minute. Paycheck?

A... This is an outrage! Don't worry about the taste. Come back.

We need another shot. Something that brings the light up on this..

Leopold.

Leopold!

Leopold!

Leopold, what's going on? What are you doing? They-they need you back in there.

Do they?

Yeah. They have to shoot the rest of the spot. They're not finished yet.

Well, I want no part of it.

Why? Have you tasted it?

Farmer's Bounty? Yes, Farmer's Bounty.

Yeah, I've tasted it. It's revolting.

I know.

You know it's revolting yet you have no qualms enlisting me to endorse it?

It's diet...

...it's supposed to be awful. I mean, what is the problem?

The problem is that for no reason beyond my affection for you...

...I find myself peddling pond scum to an unsuspecting public.

Hey, listen, you know the stakes are very high for me here.

You can't just quit because... Yes, I can. And so can you.

When one finds oneself participating in an endeavor entirely without merit...

...one withdraws. No. No.

Because sometimes you have to do things that you don't like.

Sometimes you have to suck it up and finish what you started. It's part of life.

You sound like my uncle.

Look, Leopold...

...Jansen Foods is a very important account for my company.

If you don't go back in there then I get into a lot of trouble.

Is this what you do at work, Kate?

Research methods to deceive people?

Refine lies until they resemble truth?

It's no wonder you dread your work week.

Oh! Man, I don't have time for this. What has happened to the world?

You have every convenience, every comfort yet no time for integrity.

No. What I don't have time for are pious speeches..

...by 200-year-old men who've never had to work a day in their life.

You have no idea what I've done with my life.

And you-you have no idea what I've done with mine!

I haven't had all that many comforts and conveniences, Leopold...

...because I've been paying dues all of my life...

...and I'm tired, and I need a rest...

...and if I have to peddle a little pond scum to get one then so be it.

Very well.

We're kidding ourselves, Leopold.

In point of fact I don't even really know who you are.

You still don't believe I'm the man I say I am?

We had a great weekend; that's that.

And now it's Sunday. It's over.


There's such a lot of world...

...to see...


I know.

I know, I know, it sounds crazy...

...talking about...

...finding a crack in time under the East River.

But in, in point, in point fact, Gretchen you know...

...it is no more crazy than, uh... a dog finding a rainbow.

Dogs are color-blind, Gretchen.

They don't see color.

Really? Just like we can't see time.

We can feel it.

Oh... we can feel it passing...

...but, uh, we can't see it; it's just a blur.

It's like, uh...

...it's like we're riding in a, in a supersonic train...

...and the world is just blowing by.

But imagine if we could stop that train, Gretchen. Hmm?

Imagine if we could stop that train...

...get out...

...look around and see time for what it really is.

A universe...

...a world a thing as unimaginable as...

...color to a dog.

And as real...

...and tangible as that chair you're sitting in.

Now, if we could see it like that...

...I mean, really look at it...

...then...

...maybe we could see the flaws as well as the form.

And that's it.

It's that simple.

That's all I discovered. I'm just a...

...just a guy who saw a crack in a chair...

...that no one else could see.

I'm that dog who saw a rainbow.

Only, uh...

...none of the other dogs believe me.

I believe you.


I can see that some... things have...

...happened since I went away.

But...

...you have to go back.


You understand you'll be going back to the same day you left...

...April 28. Yes.

So you understand you might be repeating a few things.

You might even see me.

Just don't follow me this time.

Can I go in?

J.J., you asked to see me? Come on in.

I understand you, uh, put out a fire at the shoot yesterday.

Guess Mr. Duke's got a bit of an ego on him, huh?

Yeah.

I'm going to England this week...

...and I made a decision.

You're going to be the top New York honcho.

So, this is going to be your office.

I'll be making it official tonight.

Thank you, J.J. Thank you.

You earned it.

I'm heading over to Jansen to sign... the buy-out papers, FTC stuff. So...

...I'll see you later at the thing.

What did he say? I got it.

Oh, my God, that's wonderful! Just give me one second, I'm sorry, Darci. One second.

Hi. You've reached Stuart. Please leave a message.

Hello?

Leopold, I-I don't know where you are but if you're there, please pick up.

I got it.

I got the job.

I'm the new senior vice president at CRG.

Uh, please call me. I, um...

I'm sorry about the way things came down yesterday.

I apologize. I, uh...

I just really need to see you. I'll love to see you tonight...

...but I have this thing at Farmer's Bounty. But I'll love to see you later.

I miss you.

I miss you.

Hey, Stuart.

How you feeling?

Where's Leo?

He went home.


He was for real.

He was for real.

Holy shit!

Look at this!

Oh, my God.

Chilled, do you understand? Chilled.

And be sure to leave another case of the Chateau Marid.

Yes, sir.

Leopold!

Leopold! Where have you been?

Otis, I demand explication! It's half past 5:00! He's not even dressed!

He'll be ready, my lord, I assure you.

I don't want him ready. I want him resplendent!

Here's the invitation. You've got your table number, your car number...

...and I've got Morty down there the guy you like. He's on the Madison side. Also, your phone sheet is in here.

And Stuart called you a couple times. So... have a great time tonight. You look beautiful.


I don't think this is right. I'm supposed to be going to 2640 Madison.

That's where we are, Miss McKay.

Have a nice evening.

Hello.

Hello. Invitation, please.

They're still plugs. They're just randomly seeded with Minoxidil.

No cornrows. Excuse me.

Hey, Kate. Congratulations.

Thank you.

The hell with facelifts.

I'm into mini-lifts now. Just a tiny little bit each year.

I hear they're bringing back the 840 next year. So I'm just running out the lease.

Kate, congratulations. Thanks, Bob.

Hey, Kate. J.J. Hi, Barry.

Congratulations. Thank you. Thank you very much.

Anyway, I'm just glad they've got them fixed.

I was going to move my office down to the lobby.

Excuse me.

Kate, don't powder your nose for too long. I'm going to give this speech in a couple minutes.

Okay.

All this time I thought that I had pretzled fate...

...and it had to be untwisted. But what I never considered...

...is that the whole thing is a pretzel.

A beautiful 4D pretzel of kismetic inevitability.

Okay, you know what, get off Park as soon as you can, and then go up Madison.

I was supposed to go back.

He was supposed to come forward then he was supposed to go back again and...

...so was she.

Now it is my pleasure and honor...

...to take priests to the bell tower.

You speak of progress and invention.

But what I offer you down the stairs is reality.

Take a wife. Marry.

Let us not bother with this banter, Uncle.

Tell me whom you want me to marry. Well, who has the most money.

Well...

...that would be Miss Tree of the Trees of Schenectady.

Good.

Consider it done.

Otis, fetch the ring. I will announce at midnight.

Invitation, please. Uh, hello. My name is Stuart Besser.

I'm sorry, I know we're not on your list but his sister is Kate McKay;

...she works here. I'm sorry, sir, I can't just let you in.

...and I learned that there was one thing that I could do...

...and it didn't require money and it didn't require a fancy school.

I learned that I could please people.

And there is nothing wrong with that!

I am a people pleaser, people!

Thank you so much. I am so...

Kate!

Stuart! Charlie! What are you doing?

Take a look at these pictures, Kate.

No! No-no-no-no! Now it's time to introduce the woman...

...who's going to be holding down the fort in our New York offices...

...our own little rising star, Miss Kate McKay!

They're introducing me downstairs right now! Just listen to me for a second, okay, please?

I'm sorry I was a lousy boyfriend.

I'm sorry I let you down. I know all you wanted was someone you could trust...

Oh, Stuart, really I can't talk about our relationship right now.

Please.

Maybe we weren't such a waste of time after all.

I mean, maybe there's a reason I was your guy. What are you talking about?

Maybe I was supposed to help you find your guy... Leopold.

You got to go back, Kate.

You got to go back there.

Go back?

How?

You have to jump off the Brooklyn Bridge within the next 23 minutes.

Kate?

Kate!

Kate, just look at the pictures, okay?

Is there a... a Kate McKay in the house? Yeah.

Here I am! Kate?

Here she is. Here she is.

Well, without further ado the new senior vice president...

...of our New York offices.

Here she is, ladies and gentlemen... Kate McKay.

You okay? Yeah. I'm sorry.

Thank you. Quite an entrance, huh?

Thank you, J.J. Thank you very much.

Wow.

Well...

...it's a great night.

We here at...

...CRG have always considered ourselves to be in the "Find what people want" business and at Jansen...

...you guys are in the "Make what people want" business.

So, imagine what we can do together.

We'll be able to find out exactly what people want...

...and make it for them.

So... yeah, so our customers...

...will be able to get exactly...

...what they...

...they want.


And, uh...

...it's a great thing to...

...to get what you want. Uh, it's a really good thing.

Unless what you thought you wanted wasn't really...

...what you wanted because what you really...

...wanted...

...you couldn't imagine, or you didn't think it was possible.

But...

...but what if someone came along who knew...

...exactly what you wanted without asking?

They just knew. Like they could... hear your heart beating... or listen to your thoughts...

And what if they were sure of themselves...

...and they didn't have to take a poll...

...and they loved you...

...and you hesitated?

And...

I have to go.

I, uh...

I'm sorry, but I have to go.

Kate?

Stuart, can you tell me...

...in short, complete sentences featuring no words over two syllables...

...why exactly I am in these pictures?

Probably not. Try.

Because you were there. I wasn't.

I would remember. Believe me, I would remember if I was there.

Because you're going to be there. If we get there in time.

These are pictures of the past, not the future.

Not exactly. Theoretically speaking if you go to the past in the future...

...then your future lies in the past.

And that is a picture of you in the future in the past.

We have to make a run for it. Let's go.

Come on, come on.

Let's go, let's go. Come on!

Whoa, where the hell do you think you're going? $6.80 on the meter, pal.

It's going to close, Kate! Come on!

Ladies and gentlemen, may I have your attention?

The Duke of Albany...

...will be making a very important announcement...

...in 20 minutes from this very stage.

And I believe it shall be an announcement...

...that will justify...

...the playing of a bridal waltz.

Okay... this is the hard part.

What? The girder.

The girder? You have to cross the girder, Kate.

That girder?

Stuart, I can't cross that girder. I can't go across... You love him, right?

What?

Leopold.

You love him, right?

Yeah.

That's all you need to know. Now go.

You'll be fine. Katie...

Charlie...

Charlie, what am I... How are you... No, don't worry about me.

Now, Kate, now. Now?

The portal's going to close.

All right. Go.

Jesus. Whoo!

Oh, God.

You can do it.

Don't look down.

Shit.

Charlie...

I'll love you forever.

Love you.

It's okay.

Lady... lady, what are you doing?

Step back, lady. It's okay.

Step back from there, lady. Come back, lady.

Central, be advised This is Breech Post Four.

I've got a jumper on the southwest location of the bridge.

Have a supervisor, ESU and Harbor respond to this location forthwith.


Ladies and gentlemen...

...it is with a glad heart and a bright eye that I proudly introduce...

...my beloved nephew Leopold...

...Duke of Albany.

Thank you, Uncle Millard. Thank you.

I'm sorry, madam, but this is a private affair.

No, you don't seem to understand.

I need to get inside. I need to get inside right now and...

What seems to be the problem?

Are you Otis? Well...

...let us proceed. Please raise your glasses...

...so we may toast to my bride-to-be...

...the woman whose welfare and happiness shall be my solemn duty to maintain.

The future Duchess of Albany...

...Kate McKay...

Of the McKays of...?

Massapequa.

...Massapequa.

I love you. I love you.