Katt Williams: Priceless: Afterlife (2014) Script

He's the undisputed king of underground comedy.

You've seen him in "Friday After Next,"

"The Pimp Chronicles One and Two,"

"It's Pimpin' Pimpin',"

"American Hustle,"


"Katt Williams: Live,"

"Wild 'n Out," and more.

He shut down the Internet single-handedly.

He's knocked out everyone from 108 to 308 pounds.

He's back and better than ever.

Ladies and gentlemen, let's get ready to chuckle!

Presenting Katt Williams!

♪ This shit is legendary ♪

♪ Trip like Jason Terry ♪

♪ Pussy pink as Katy Perry ♪

♪ This shit came from nowhere ♪

♪ Drama, please don't go there ♪

♪ Pussy Michael Jordan ♪

♪ No hair, bald, had no hair ♪

♪ Bandz a made her dance ♪

♪ 20s will bring her friends ♪

♪ Cities, a change of plans ♪

♪ Boy, I came here off Gramps ♪

♪ For a dollar, you'll do all this for a dollar? ♪

♪ Play, make you think she a scholar ♪

♪ Accent like she super proper ♪

♪ Lick the swimming pool ♪

♪ Make her say, "Fuck all the rules" ♪

♪ Don't mind if she get used ♪

♪ That poor nigga say, "Fuck school" ♪

♪ So I made this foreign type ♪

♪ Aw, yeah, now I'm so in tight ♪

♪ I said she married to the moola ♪

♪ Show some motherfucking rocks ♪

♪ Hallelujah ♪

♪ This shit legendary ♪

♪ Trip like Jason Terry ♪

♪ Pussy pink as Katy Perry ♪

♪ This shit came from nowhere ♪

♪ Drama, please don't go there ♪

♪ Pussy Michael Jordan ♪

♪ No hair, bald, had no hair. ♪

You go, Katt!

Is the IE in this bitch this evening?

I had to get here, 'cause there's a lot of shit going on, not just in the world.

There's a lot of shit going on with me.

I don't know if you checked it out.

I was going through some shit.

They arrested me five times in five cities in five days.

What the fuck?

Bitch, I am not the international man of mystery.

What the fuck?

They arrested me so much, soon as I see the police, my body just automatically assumes the position.


See how I made the hog-tie available?

'Cause they know I like to fight.

It's fucked up.

I got arrested in a Target.

How the fuck do you go to jail in an electronics superstore?

A white man at the Target caught me off guard.

He called me a pussy and a nigger and a pussy and a nigger and a pussy and a nigger.

And I said, "I am not fixing to be one of these."

Bam! "What the fuck did I just do?

What the fuck?"

See, life has a way of sometimes sending you subtle wake-up calls.

Anytime you are standing next to Suge Knight and you are the person going to jail, that is a wake-up call for your ass.

I'm in the pictures like this.

Get my shit together.

It's fucked up.

I said to myself I don't know what the fuck's going on.

We going to have to figure this shit out.

Used to be if I had some problems, I could go to my therapist at the weed place.

Yeah, Ontario's still got weed places.

Couple over here.

Couple over here. Couple over here.

I was in LA.

Ain't no weed places in LA.

They got a dispensary.

I don't know what the fuck that shit means, but I think it means "Big as fuck."

You are just in that motherfucker, just...

Why do I have a shopping cart?

I'm just saying you are not supposed to have

500 different types of deliciousness in the same place at the same time.

Got niggas overdosing from smelling too much weed.

"Mmm, that is blueberry.

That's blueberry for real.

That is fresh as shit right there.

That.. white fire?

I ain't never even smelled real fire before.

That is delicious.

Girl Scout cookies? I love them.

Do you have Thin Mints?"

It's fucked up.

And I should have stayed out there where it was safe with the leafy products, with the bud, but they got a room in the back.

That's right. They got a "This shit right here, nigga," they got one of them rooms in the back.

You got to be careful in that motherfucker.

All they got back there is concentrate, spackle, sparkle, wax, butter, dabs, or whatever the fuck you want to call it.

You be thinking to yourself, "Much motherfucking weed as I done smoked, I ain't scared of shit. I don't give a fuck what type of motherfucking weed it is."

That's what you be saying.

Then they come over and put that little thing on there and walk off, and you be like, "That little booger right there can't hurt no-motherfucking-body."

Don't you believe it.

It's like hitting 300 blunts at the same damn time at the same damn time.

I fucked around and got my high high.

Do you realize how difficult that is to do?

You know when you done got too motherfucking high.

You, "Uh-uh. Uh-uh. Uh-uh.


Uh-uh. Fuck that, nigga.

I got too high. Uh-uh.

Fuck you. I saw where the Illuminati live, nigga.

Get me the fuck up out of here. Where's my car?"

Fucked up.

But no matter what the fuck was going on with me, I couldn't be depressed.

We Americans.

If you motherfucking watch the news, America don't give a fuck about a tragedy.

We are the shit.

I'm not saying we the greatest country in the world...

Yes, we is!

But we the greatest country in the world, and everybody knows it.

Not because we're better.

Not because of that.

Tragedy happens to everybody.

But as Americans, we don't give a fuck about tragedy.

Our motherfucking motto should be, "Fuck outta here."

Soon as we get a tragedy, we, "Fuck outta here. That's our shit.

Fuck outta here. That's.."

So proud of America.

First time we saw it was the Oklahoma City tornado.

I ain't never seen no shit like that.

That changed my motherfucking life.

I don't give a fuck what's going on.

It's your house.

Nothing is worse than getting to your house and your house is not there anymore.

Your GPS keeps saying, "You are here."

"Bullshit. I left a house in this bitch.

I remember that shit specifically."

That's some fucked-up shit.

How the fuck do that feel for you to wake up and your whole city be gone?

Like you done missed the Rapture or some shit.

You just wake up to...

"Jesus, you couldn't have woke a nigga up?"

It's fucked up.

'Cause black people know we ain't ready for that shit.

We just figured out what to do in case of eviction.

We just figured out if the police show up, act like they on your side, just, "Thank God you showed up, Officer.

Could you hold that microwave?

Thank you so much. Kids, get on out of here and let this officer help us."

It don't matter, though.

As America, we too gangster.

We don't care.

America is too motherfucking gangster.

And it don't take a whole bunch of Americans to represent America neither.

It can be one white woman in a field by herself, missing teeth... and she can represent America just fine.

They'll be right in the field, just, "Ma'am, a tornado just came and tore down your whole city.

What are you going to do?"

"We going to fucking rebuild.

I was goddamn born here.

I'm going to goddamn die here."

Some American shit.

Why is America that strong?

'Cause of all of us that's in the room tonight.

Not because white people are better or Hispanics are better, because blacks are better.

No, nobody.

We all are the same.

That's what..

That's what makes us different is that we the same.

That's why we different.

It's the reason why we the same.

It's 'cause we different.

For white people, I don't know how to explain it to you, but for niggas, same difference.

Just saying we all need each other.

Life is already too fucked up as it is for you to be hating somebody

'cause of what the fuck they look like.

You don't have to do that.

You.. no, no.

You could hate somebody 'cause they ain't shit.

See how that's not racist at all?

"Fuck you, 'cause you ain't shit."

That has no color attached to it at all.

Reason I say that is because if we really are the greatest country in the world, then we need to decide that we going to get rid of racism if possible in 2014 while we have the opportunity.

Just saying we all need each other.

The new racists don't even hate on minorities.

They just hate the ones they can beat.

That's why they ain't mad at no big, swollen black nigga with dreads and shit.

They ain't fucking none of them up at all.

It's always some 17-year-old light-skinned nigga that look like he just had a backpack on and got a belly full of Yoo-hoo, and he end up dead.

I keep saying, praise Jesus, let one of these racists run up on me at a gas station, bless God, and tell me my music is too loud and see if I don't shut off music for the both of us.


Fuck is you shooting niggas for in the backseat?

They can't even reach the radio.

Racists ain't shit.

We all need each other.

Fuck the dumb shit.

Everybody's life is too hard.

Minorities, our life is already fucked up.

Tell the fucking truth.

Not to say, white people, y'all's ain't fucked up, but y'all's fucked up and our fucked up...

two separate cadences.

For white people, this is fucked up.

Good, good, good, good, good, good, good, fucked up, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, fucked up.

For a nigga, it's a whole different cadence.

It's just...

♪ Fucked up, fucked up, fucked up, fucked up ♪

♪ Fucked up, fucked up, fucked up, fucked up ♪

♪ Fucked up, fucked up, fuck.. ♪ Have you double-Dutching in your own shit.

We all need each other is my point.

The racists done got out of control.

These motherfuckers got time to be mad at breakfast commercials.

What the fuck?

When did a racist care about a balanced breakfast?

These racists mad at Cheerio commercials.

I was mad at the Cheerio commercial too, but I was mad for a completely nonracist reason.

I was mad that a white woman and a black man would get together and feed their baby Cheerios.

That don't have no flavor at all.

You couldn't have gave the little nigga some Count Chocula or Cocoa Puffs or something, told her about her heritage, for crying out loud?

Just saying the racists is getting out of control.

These motherfuckers got mad at me

'cause I wasn't mad at Paula Deen.

What the fuck, motherfucker?

I can't be mad at everybody.

Have you not seen my life, motherfucker?

Did you think I was fixing to judge for..

I'm on my..

I'm on my fifth second chance right now.

What did you.. what did you think I was going to say?

First of all, I can't even really be mad at her, 'cause I'm a fan.

I done seen what this bitch can do with 45 minutes and 12 sticks of butter.

You ain't just fixing to tell me what the fuck she said.

I ain't saying she didn't say it.

I'm saying I would like to hear the context...

in which she said it.

It might have been all right.

She might have said, "Hurry up with them niggas' chicken."

"Don't make niggas wait all day on pork chops."

Just saying we all need to be able to laugh.

Fuck the dumb shit.

I got white heroes.

One of my motherfucking white heroes is that white lady that tried to swim the English Channel.

That bitch is my motherfucking hero.

This bitch is trying to swim an ocean by her motherfucking self.

One white woman in the ocean by her motherfucking self with sharks and...

whatever the fuck is in there, dolphins and porpoises and shit.

And that's not the part, minorities.

It ain't that this white woman is swimming this ocean by herself.

It's not that.

She is swimming... for free.

They not giving this bitch shit!

She don't get a prize, a Prius, a ribbon, nothing.

She just in the middle of the ocean swimming her motherfucking ass off, just...

Meanwhile, you can't get a black woman to get in the pool at your pool party.

It's this bitch's pool and her pool party.

She still ain't getting in.

This white woman got stung

176 times by jellyfish.

What the.. when do you stop, ma'am?

When it hits your vagina? Is that when you stop?

When that tags that old clitoris, is that when..

"All right, bitch. Get the boat.

Get the boat. We only got one of those."

Just saying, we all got to be able to laugh.

It's very important.

Minorities, your life is hard.

Sometimes, you need to be able to just go home, laugh about some shit for 22 minutes, and then get back to your shit.

The best part is it's free.

You just got to do the shit.

All right, start off, minorities, by if you feeling fucked up, find you a white show to watch with no niggas on it at all.

I wouldn't tell you this shit if it didn't work.

Two of my motherfucking favorite motherfucking shows, I'm embarrassed to tell motherfuckers about.

I watch every episode, but I don't be out in the open.

I shut my curtains and hide and shit, like "12 Years a Slave," and don't want no other niggas to see me.

But I watch every episode.

My favorite show for two years in a motherfucking row is still motherfucking "Swamp People."

That is my shit.

Oh, my God.

If you have not seen this shit, you have not lived yet.

It's some beautiful shit.

I think I just like seeing minor.. rednecks in their natural environment, not killing minorities. I think that's what it is.

I love this shit.

I watch every episode, but I don't know why, because every episode is exactly...

The same!

Like the last goddamn episode.

They don't change shit.

Every episode start with a man in a boat going nowhere fast as shit.

He just...

And he's saying some shit you can't fucking understand.

And then you accidentally understand some of the shit, and it scares the shit out of you.

He just...

"We got to go out there and get him, boy.

We got to go out there and get him, boy.

We don't go out there and get him, he ain't going to get hisself."

"Nah, I guess he ain't going to get hisself.

I guess that makes perfectly good sense."

And these white men get out there in that swamp, and they are catching

700-, 800-pound alligators.

And that's not the part, minorities.

They are catching these alligators with their hands!

That's right. Look at the niggas.

Don't even believe me. With their real hands.

Not a weapon. Not a stick.

None of that.

Stick their real hands in the water to get the alligator.

Black people is at the house, like, "Don't stick your hand in there!

There's an alligator in that son of a bitch."

But when you see.. you see that white man reach up out that motherfucking boat, grab that motherfucking alligator line, the whole show, just...

"Shoot him, Billy Bob! Shoot him!

Shoot him! Shoot him, Billy Bob!

Shoot him! Shoot him!

Shoot him, Billy Bob! Shoot him! Shoot him!

Shoot him, Billy Bob! Shoot him!

Shoot him! Shoot him, Billy Bob!

Shoot him! Shoot.."

Then the whole show just flips.

Now they showing it from underwater, and it's muddy and bubbling and shit, like the alligator has a camera on his head.

And he's in the show too.

And then they cut to commercial.

Every time, I say, "I will not be here when you get back."

Just saying, we all need to be able to laugh.

So for my white friends, here's something black you can laugh at.

I've done the research.

I'm pretty sure there's no coonery in there anywhere.

I just know every time I see the shit, I fall on the ground laughing, almost pee myself.

Okay, may be the funniest shit I ever seen.

There is a commercial starring a nigga named Mutombo.

Now... if you have not seen this commercial, you have not lived yet. Let me say that.

Now, if you don't know who Mutombo is, he used to play basketball, played for the NBA, maybe, like, in 1979 or some shit like that, but he was one of the greatest, known for blocking shots.

That was his shit.

Now they got this nigga just randomly running through white people's workplace, just randomly knocking shit out the air for no reason at all.

Just, "No, no, no."

What the fuck is that shit?

"No, no, no."

Every time I see that shit, I almost pee myself.

Many times I been arrested, that might be the only thing I haven't tried.

Stay tuned to TMZ.

If I get pulled over one more motherfucking time, that's how the fuck I'm getting out of my car, just, "No, no, no."

"We already did this shit."

Just saying, all got to be able to laugh.

Motherfuckers thought that because I was raised homophobic, that might have meant I was homophobic.

Wait a minute, motherfucker.

Don't speak for me.

I could tell you how the fuck I feel.

Just 'cause I got an opinion don't mean shit.

At the end of the motherfucking day, I thought we was talking about rights, and I thought they was human rights.

I think they human rights, so if you a human, you deserve your motherfucking rights.

The reason for that is I don't give a fuck what you are doing in your life, 'cause I'm too busy doing what the fuck I'm doing in my life.

End quote.

Yes, yes.

Now, now, people thought that because I might have an opinion, that meant I was homophobic.

No, no, no, no.

Let me say.. let me say publicly.. let me say very publicly if there was a dude and I had some shit to say, that's not because I was homophobic, motherfucker.

I'm not homophobic.

I'm pro-pussy.

There is a difference.

I think you need to understand, I..

I was trying to help.

I wasn't coming from a place of hate.

I thought some of them had made a mistake.

I'm saying, if you try a vagina and it leads you to a life of asshole, wait a minute.

If at first you don't succeed, Sir, try, try again.

What the... you must have got the wrong vagina.

They are delicious.

You should try another one.

All of them are delicious, I think.

But I realized..

I realized it was a contradiction... because if you ask me about gay dudes, I have some shit to say, but if you ask me about lesbians, I don't have shit to say about lesbians.

I've already had this conversation with Jesus.

He know I love lesbians.

I don't even think lesbians should pay taxes.

I really don't.

I think they are already taking care of two vaginas.

Just saying.

We can't afford to be judging all the time.

Our life is too motherfucking hard as it is.

You got to be able to just laugh some shit the fuck off.

I just don't like when they try to force shit down our throats.

Had Jason Collins come out as the first openly gay basketball player.

That's fine and all, but, nigga, you can't suck at both things.

I said we didn't know you was gay, and we didn't know you was a basketball player, nigga.

What the fuck?

This nigga averaged 0.3 points a game.

We do that shit from the house.

How the fuck he going to be the first openly gay basketball player?

Am I the only motherfucker in here old enough to remember Dennis Rodman?

What the fuck was that shit?

That was the first gay basketball player.

Get the fuck out of here.

I watched that nigga get 38 rebounds in foundation, mascara, eyeliner, eyelashes, lip gloss, Chap Stick, lipstick, rouge.

That nigga's the master of the all-ass defense.

He just...

"You want this rebound, you going to have to touch my penis."

"No, no, no."

Sometimes you just got to be able to laugh.

They had Michael Sam come out.

He fixing to be first gay NFL player.

And when that shit came out, everybody had an opinion.

He was right here, and everybody over there had an opinion, and everybody over there had an opinion, but nobody's opinion was solid.

They go up to the player, "Do you care that your teammate is gay?"

"Hell, no. I don't care what he chooses to do with his own personal life.

As long as he comes in here ready to win championships and knows the playbook, then we have a teammate."

"You mean, you don't mind sharing a shower with him?"

"I can shower at the house.

It ain't that big a deal, I'm saying.

I'm generally fresher than a motherfucker anyway."

Just saying, can't make judgment all the time.

Sometimes you got to be able to laugh.

I don't have to be motherfucking political.

I don't play football.

I'm a football fan.

I ain't in charge of the NFL.

I love the NFL.

I love to see football games.

And as a fan, let me just say, it's going to be some exciting shit when the first gay motherfucker walk on the field, and all of y'all think it's going to be regular.

No, the fuck it ain't.

No, it's going to be some exciting shit.

You think you been tackled before, nigga?

You think you been sacked before, nigga?

I bet you ain't never been sacked till you get sacked by a 6'8", 285-pound nigga that was looking at your ass anyway.

He's just on the line, just...

Blue 42!

That nigga's gonna sack you with love in his heart.

"I'm down. I'm down. I'm down."

We have a big dick malfunction.

So anyway, I want to come out and finish, but... all of my nuts are out of these pants right now.

Don't worry. I ain't went nowhere.

I'm just noticing my whole testicles sac is...

I'm going to try to just do the jokes from right here.

I couldn't see the screen this whole time.

Ladies, where are y'all at? Make some noise.

You motherfuckers ain't shit.

Y'all ladies talking about you love me, and you didn't tell me my motherfucking perm had left the building 20 fucking minutes ago?

You didn't say shit?

I looked up there and thought I saw El DeBarge and Rick Fox walking up while I'm trying to talk this shit.

I'll be right back. Give me 30 seconds.

Sorry about that.

I tried to run back there and change pants and forgot the lion was out there.

I ran right up on that motherfucker.

Fuck them pants. Fuck that. I can...

I was talking about we all got to be able to laugh at the end of the day, and I talked about the homosexuals and shit, because it's a big motherfucking deal, and things ain't like they used to be.

Used to be if we had big questions, there was places we could go and get our questions answered.

But things done changed now.

If you want to know some answers, you got to find 'em out yourself.

I don't know if y'all been to church recently, but church is not answering any questions about anything at this particular time.

I ain't talking about white church.

I ain't talking about black church.

I'm talking about church.

Church, as official, has said you can feel free to come in and praise and worship all you like, and by all means, pay your motherfucking tithes, but if you have any questions for Jesus, you should ask him in the parking lot on the way to your house.

You going to have to figure this shit out yourself.

White church, we thought they was fixing to answer some questions about the Catholic scandal.

They ain't answered no motherfucking questions at all.

Kind of fucked up.

I was getting ready to say something about 'em, and then they switched their shit up.

Have you seen the new Pope?

This motherfucker ain't like the rest of the Popes.

This motherfucker is special.

This motherfucker is almost a nigga.

He say some shit you ain't expecting and then just walk the fuck off.

They asked the new Pope. They was like, "New Pope...

New Pope, what do you think about homosexuals?"

New Pope said, "Who am I to judge?"

Ah, that was some gangster shit.

I'm glad to see a Pope that don't look like he ready to die.

Shit done changed.

They had a Pope that quit.

What the fuck?

How do you call in for work, and you work for Jesus?

"Yeah, Jesus, I'm not even going to be able to make it today.

Nah, Jesus, it's 10:15 traffic.

I was not expecting this, Jesus."

Just saying, got to be able to laugh.

I joke with the church, but you got to believe in something for real.

You got to find something to believe in.

Let me just say that.

I can't tell you what to believe.

I'll say I'm old-fashioned.

I'm a dinosaur.

I still believe that there is a God and that if you need Him, you could call on Him, and He will help you, just like He be helping me all the time.

That's just my own personal opinion.

I think you should believe in something.

These atheists have gotten out of control.

These motherfuckers is on some different shit.

Motherfucking atheists sending me death threats and shit.

Let me.. listen here, Mr. Motherfucker Atheist.

Ain't nobody goddamn scared of you, motherfucker, 'cause you ain't got no backup.

Who the fuck is you going to tell?

If you kill me, I'm going right to Jesus and snitching on you, motherfucker.

Jesus, You ain't going to believe what they doing down there!

You an atheist. Who the fuck you going to tell?


You don't believe that shit.

Motherfucking atheists done got out of hand.

Now they want to tell us what the fuck we believe.

I mean, "You believe in God, so that mean you don't believe in science."

What the fuck is you talking about?

Motherfucker, I prayed to God before every science test.

I don't know what the fuck you talking about.

Jesus was in my class, you son of a...

Atheists going to tell me, "Well, you believe in God, so that mean you don't believe in evolution."

What the fuck is you talking about?

I thought evolution meant something started off like this and then later changed into something else.

I think God made the animals and then watched them bitches evolve like the rest of us. What the fuck?

Atheists fucked up.

Atheists hear my whole story, hear what I believe.

Then he going to tell me, "No.

That don't make no fucking sense at all."

Okay, well, tell me your shit.

His shit is that two motherfucking atoms just came the fuck together... just came together out of nowhere, banged together, and made this whole perfect Earth.

Fuck outta here.

You stupid enough to believe that fuck-boy shit, after this show, go outside to the parking lot and bang on your car till it becomes a better car.

You just out there, just...

"Still a Corolla. Still a Corolla.

What the..."

Fucking atheists.

His shit don't make no motherfucking sense neither.

They always want to prove evolution and show you an animal that fit all the criteria.

Want to show me motherfucking scorpion.

"Katt, look at this scorpion.

You see his motherfucking skin?

You see how tough his skin is?

That's so you can't fuck with it.

Then he got these motherfucking pincers so you can't fuck with it.

Then he got this motherfucking venom for you can't fuck with it."

Well, get the fuck over here, motherfucker, and look at this goddamn pig, and tell me why is this motherfucker delicious from the rooter to the tooter...

with no defenses at all.

This motherfucker is delicious everywhere.

Look at his sides. That's bacon.

Who would put bacon on the side?


Jesus cares about your breakfast.

He does. He always...

Atheists want you to believe two motherfucking atoms banged together made this whole Earth.

That shit mean they should be able to get on the Space Shuttle, fly around, and find a place where them same two atoms had banged together before and made some other perfect shit.

That's not what they see.

Every planet they see is more fucked up than the last planet. Just...

♪ Fucked up, fucked up, fucked up, fucked up ♪

♪ Fucked up, fucked up, fucked up, fucked up. ♪ How you know it's fucked up?

Ain't nobody on it.

That's why we got to watch everything.

You can't believe shit.

I'm saying.. I ain't saying you can't trust nobody.

I'm just saying can't nobody be trusted.

These motherfuckers have already told us the NSA can hear every conversation we make and see every text that we send.

So you explain to me how the fuck a whole airplane could go missing in this bitch with 271 motherfuckers on it, and everybody trying to act like ain't shit happened.

Aren't we in the same country where two airplanes ran into our goddamn buildings, and we don't know where they are, right?

We can all see this shit.

The police is on some different shit.

I know you noticed it here.

I want you to know it's like that everywhere.

The police is on some different shit.

Now, I know it's some cops in here.

We do not mean y'all.

Y'all are doing a great job.

We appreciate it.

Just doing your job, keeping us safe out there, and thank you so much.

It's the ones outside we talking about.

They on some different shit.

The police used to be serve and protect.

Used to be you are presumed innocent until you are proven guilty.

Police is on some different shit.

They done figured out they can kill your ass today and come up with a story for the news tomorrow.

They done figured that shit out, and they done got so good, they can show us the truth, and we can see the truth with our own eyes, and then they can lie to us at the same time and confuse us about the truth we just saw with our own eyes.

Okay, the first time we all saw it was at the Boston Marathon bombing.

Everybody was looking for the fake-ass, bullshit-ass terrorists.

He had a four-day head start.

He could have been anywhere.

But we knew he was in the boat

'cause they told us he was in the boat from a helicopter.

"That's him in the boat right there.

That's him in the boat."

Drew a picture around him. "That's him laying down at the bottom of the boat. That's.."

Then they said, "The police are here.

We going to back up, let the police go in and begin negotiations."

And all we heard was...

Then they cut to commercial.

By the time they came back, that motherfucker had 20 holes in his chest, a tunnel in his throat.

The next day, they say, "He was in a gunfight...

but he didn't have a gun."

Ask a nigga, that is not a gunfight.

That's a drive-by right there. That's.. that's an execution you got caught in.

Second time we saw it.. second time we saw it was in LA when they was looking for the ex-black cop, Christopher Dorner.

That was some scary shit.

They wanted that nigga bad.

Let me just tell you I was in LA at the time, and let me just say you do not want to be a nigga when they are looking for niggas.

That was some scary shit.

I didn't realize how much of my time I spent being black till I had to try to drive white for two days.

I'm all up on the steering wheel.

Them motherfuckers wanted that nigga bad.

They shot up two Hispanic women in a pickup truck delivering newspapers at 4:30 in the morning looking for a nigga. Wait a minute.

That is too early and too late for niggas.

We not fixing to be nowhere at 4:30 in the morning, not even if we supposed to be.

But we knew he was in the cabin

'cause they told us he was in the cabin.

"He's in the cabin.

The police have him completely surrounded.

There's nowhere for him to go.

We're going to back up, let the police go in and begin negotiations."

And all we saw was, "Get that motherfucker!"

Then they said, "It looks like he committed suicide."

They just barbecued this nigga on national TV.

I know the police is on some different shit.

You don't have to tell me.

I found out the hard way.

They did some shit to me I didn't even know they was allowed to do.

I knew they could take a nigga to jail.

I thought that was it.

These motherfuckers put me in a real mental institution with real crazy people.

What the fuck?!

I might have thought I was crazy till you put me in here with the real crazy motherfuckers.

Now I know I'm sane as shit.

You ain't lived till you try to break up a fight with a motherfucker and hisself.

"Fuck you, nigga. Fuck you."

"One of y'all is right.

That's all I'm trying to say.

I ain't trying to be in your business or nothing."

It's fucked up.

Here the fuck I tell jokes for a living.

These motherfuckers got me handcuffed to a nigga who's scraping demons out his face.


I'm over there like, "Jesus, this is your humble servant, Lord.

There's clearly been a miscommunication, Jesus.

Just saying this burden is a little bit too heavy for your servant, Lord.

If you could just remove this boulder off a nigga's back, Jesus, I'd really appreciate it, Lord.

I'm just.. I'm just saying, Jesus, my cup runneth over, Lord, is what I'm saying, and, thing is, I ain't even thirsty, Jesus, not a little bit.

You can take this whole cup, the pitcher, the carafe, all of it, Jesus."

Fucked up.

You in that motherfucker, and all you thinking is, "I can't wait to get the fuck out of here, and there ain't shit going to make me stay in this son of a bitch."

But they got some medication in the crazy house that will put an elephant on his back.

And I don't know if you can see from your chair, but I'm not even a baby elephant, and they still gave me the whole elephant's pill.

I have a trunk, but I am no elephant.

They had me on five, six medications at one motherfucking time, just trying to break a nigga.

They had me on some shit named Seroquel.

I don't know what the fuck is in Seroquel, but I think Satan's penis is in it, I really do, because it's from Hell.

That shit... if you whisper "Seroquel" to me, I become a different nigga.

Just.. Seroquel.

I'm just trying to find my happy place.

I love these soft-ass pants.

It's fucked up.

I got out that motherfucker.

I said I'm going to fix every motherfucking thing that's wrong with me.

I'm going to fucking get all my shit together.

That's when I realized you can't even trust simple shit.

We used to think our doctor gave a fuck about us.

We used to think our doctor wanted us to get better so we would be better.

Our doctor don't give a fuck about us.

That motherfucker is making money, and that is it.

He is a drug dealer just like the drug dealers.

Ain't no motherfucking difference.

It's fucked up. It's fucked up.

'Cause the medicine commercials have really gone over the top.

They don't even give a fuck about us as people any-motherfucking-more.

Do you remember when they used to at least have the common decency to whisper the side effect at the end of the.. you could barely hear the fucked-up shit that could possibly happen to you.

They just, "Possible side effects are...

Now these motherfuckers say the motherfucking side effect so motherfucking loud and proud, you forget what the fuck they were supposed to be curing in the first place.

And they just keep going and going, just...

"Are you tired of hangnails ruining your life?

Well, just take this simple pill, and in two weeks, you'll be jumping rope and running back to usual.

Possible side effects are loss of the rest of your toes, fucked-up ankles, dislocated kneecaps, separation of thigh meat, hip dysplasia, innie-outie belly button, female breasts.

If you have two Adam's apples, if your chin falls off, if you go blind or deaf for any reason.."

What the fuck?!

Just cut my goddamn toe off, bitch.

I got shit to do.

Just saying you got to try whatever you can.

If you in a relationship, you can't afford to take that shit for granted, 'cause you don't know when bullshit going to happen, and you need somebody that you can post the fuck up with in times of trouble.

I didn't know you could stay single too long.

Nobody fucking told me that.

I fucked around, stayed single so long, now I'm in the gray area.

I'm in the gray area.

I didn't even know there was a gray area.

I stayed single too long.

Everybody I fuck, she's either too young or she's too motherfucking old.

If she's too young, she's a greedy rabbit.

If she's too old, she's a needy fish.

Both of 'em got different shit.

If she too young, you know she too young.

How do you know?

She is doing everything she ever saw on any porno on your nonporno dick.

Shit that has nothing to do with sex at all.

She just...

Fellas, have you ever been fucking her, and she too young, and you realize halfway through this is not a fuck, this is a fight?

She don't give a fuck about your pelvis at all.

Fellas, you ever had her knock you off your pivot foot?

She just...

A greedy rabbit.

Both of 'em talk too much.

But at least the greedy rabbit is saying inspirational, motivational shit to the dick.

She just, "Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, that's good.

All right. That's good.

Right. Yes, yes, yes, yes."

The old one talk too much too... but you can't understand shit she saying.

When you do, it's going to scare the shit out of you.

She just, "Raah.


Eh, glory.

Ah, Jes.. hah.

Ah, hot water, corn bread.


She's too old.

She's a needy fish.

Got to pay attention to her.

They ain't like a young one.

As a fella, you just used to showing up at the battlefield... unsheathing your sword, and jumping right into the battle.

Not if she too old.

No, you got to watch her.

You used to being able to just watch her face and know how you doing.

Not if she too old, 'cause you don't know none of her faces.

She fixing to come and die with the same face.

How the fuck am I supposed to know?

She just...

Just saying, they're both different.

I stayed single too motherfucking long, and the world is beginning to change.

And I been hearing ladies think motherfuckers have changed as it comes to them.

Ladies, I can't speak for all men in attendance today, but I can speak for all heterosexual men in attendance today, and, ladies, let me say nothing between men and women has changed at all.

We love y'all now the same way we have always loved y'all.

We put pussy above everything on Earth, same as usual.

Pussy, then the rest of it, that's how it goes.

Pussy's so good, we don't even have good reasons for it.

Pussy is delicious... because it has pussy in it.

That's been good enough for men for thousands of years.

And as men, we hate to see pussy get attacked.

We all as men remember where we were last year when we saw pussy get attacked for the first time, when Michael Douglas got on TV and said he caught throat cancer from eating pussy.

Every man in the world stopped in front of his TV, like, "What the fuck, Michael Douglas?!

Don't throw pussy under the bus, you son of a bitch.

Say you were smoking Cuban cigars and sucking dick, you motherfucker."

Life is already too hard as it is.

You can't die from eating pussy.

That's in Revelations.

You already embarrassed to eat the box for the first time as it is.

Now this bitch done got a hair in my throat.

I thought she was trying to assassinate me. I..


Ah, you dirty bitch. Agh.

Agh, I can't believe you brought that smoky-ass uterus over here, bitch.


Ah, I feel a tumor in my throat already, bitch. Agh."

In conclusion...

when we leave this building, the police is going to be out there.

The people that.. the people that hate you not because you better than them, but because you try harder than them and you work harder than them, and you care more than they do... those people are outside, and.. and the people that say even if you doing good, you is fixing to fuck up, them people are outside.

And the people that see you fucked up and go, "I bet you don't come back," they outside too.

But what's in here is people that know no matter how shit looks, the real shit is going to be the real shit as long as real shit is valuable.

Because everybody in the world has a price, because if you didn't, you'd be priceless.

This is to the motherfuckers who cannot be bought, but can be fought. Y'all been all that.

I'm Katt Williams. Thank you ever so much.

Please give it up for our director, our announcers.

Please give it up for.. I see you.

Please give it up for yourself for believing in me.

God bless you, and good night.

This is how we do it.

♪ Let's do it ♪

♪ All out like Janet at the Super Bowl ♪

♪ Falling on these hos like I'm getting rolled ♪

♪ You niggas burn me all day in my street clothes ♪

♪ Pull up, and I'm flexing with your new ho ♪

♪ Yep, man, that's just how I do it ♪

♪ 20 deep in the club like it ain't nothing to it ♪

♪ Money is the language and, yeah, I'm flowing ♪

♪ Like a high-top fade with my last name Ewing ♪

♪ You ain't heard, you ain't heard ♪

♪ I'm the man round here, money, hos, and clothes ♪

♪ That's the play around here ♪

♪ Couple freaks in the club, girl, do your thing ♪

♪ Back it up on the young, shit, that's what I gave ♪

♪ Hey, I got a swag ladies kill for ♪

♪ Whip outside, and it's sitting on the low post ♪

♪ The homeys turnt up, probably got the four-four ♪

♪ So chill, brah, we don't want to have to let it go ♪

♪ Boo-yah, go like Slick Rick the Ruler ♪

♪ Ass so phat, I need a ruler ♪

♪ We be going all out, everybody know us ♪

♪ Every time I show up, better that we go up ♪

♪ Bitch, I speed in a whip like trotter ♪

♪ I ain't worried about a header ♪

♪ I just count gwap ♪

♪ Turn up all these hos in here ♪

♪ Going strong in the VIP, let 'em know we here ♪

♪ We going all out ♪ ♪ All out, all out ♪

♪ Yeah, we ball out, ball out, ball out ♪

♪ Going all out, all out, all out ♪

♪ Going strong in the VIP, let 'em know we here ♪

♪ Hey, all out like Girls Gone Wild ♪

♪ Ball so hard, hating niggas want to foul ♪

♪ Like, swish, we be doing hard in the field ♪

♪ Got a couple hos here to wheel ♪

♪ Pushing at the 110, whatty ♪

♪ Banging that even 40 ♪

♪ 24s on the thing, I call that shit Cubby ♪

♪ Got gold in my Rolly, money make you wanna know me ♪

♪ I'm copping everything like Axel Foley ♪

♪ G-G-Got the club all turnt up ♪

♪ Turnt up... ♪