Keep the Change (2017) Script

Oh my god, look at that.

It's so sad they all messed their lives up, those people.

Say, why did the bum vote for Obama?

You're supposed to say, why.

Okay, why?

'Cause he wanted change!

Wow, that's funny Mr. Cohen.

Hey, you remember my cousin Matt, the actor?


Yeah, he's doing a show on Broadway now and we're gonna tear up the town together.


Yeah, he knows all the real cool spots, real underground places, you know?

I thought you were going drop me off in the Village.

Mr. Cohen, I told you, your mom said that I need to make sure you get into your meeting.


Oh gosh.

Hi everyone.

Welcome to the summer semester of Connections.

Over here on this table we've got some clipboards, that's where you'll register.

If you have any questions about Lit Club you can ask Mar.

Paint and Pottery you can ask Annie, she knows everything there is about those groups, and if you have any questions about Drama Dreams we have Sarah and Sammy.

They can tell you anything you need to know about those.

Would you like to talk a little bit about Drama Dreams?



Yes, Dorsey.

All right, here you go.

Hi everyone, welcome.

Drama Dreams is a wonderful, magnificent opportunity and way to shine and do a little mix and match and you do a great deal of acting and improvisation and spontaneous performances that are so flexible.

You go with the flow.

And it's very unscripted, so...

This is such a good party.


The music's really great.

Because if you saw what happened with Bernie Madoff and all the other people, and AIG and Lehman Brothers.

We were kinda like bookies or so I found out later on and then kinda like...

Wait, who's Bernie Madoff?

He's a man who ripped off investors.

His initials are BM for a good reason.

Because he is a human bowel movement.

I know it's your first time here, downstairs there's I think this juice bar.

They've got this really good kale shake down there if you wanna do a little juicin' with me.

What is with the fruity music in this place.

You have a problem with the music?

Oh no man, it's cool, it's cool, I'm good.

Who's the new initiate and what's wrong with him?

Well I guess it's just, you know, sensory overload.

I don't have a problem, I'm just passing through.

I bet you say that to all the boys.


I'm not going back there!

Hold on.


I said I'm not going back there!

You wanna go to jail, David?

You want to ruin your father's life?

Dad, make her stop!

I mean, I know she hates me and she just wants me to roll up and die and wants me to jump off a goddamn roof.

David, give it a rest, okay?

It's not therapy, it's a fruit cake place.

Like the judge said, you show up, you sign your name, six weeks later, dismissed.

Maybe next time, don't tell pig jokes to a cop.

And what the hell am I going to tell Angie?

Who's Angie?

The girl that I'm seeing.

I thought her name was Melinda.

No, that didn't work out between me and Melinda.

If Angie has a problem with this, her mother can give me a call.


David please.

Sorry, I can't help it, I'm trying.

I don't belong there mom.

I don't like the look of the people at that place any better than you do, but if you don't do this, you won't be able to leave the state.

No Florida, no beach club.

You'll spend the rest of the year stuck up here with aunt Rudy.

Is that what you want?


Just get it over with then so everything can go back to normal.

Oh sweetheart, come let's have some fruit.

You go lie down with some fruit, maybe a cool bath, your PJs?

Hi, I'm Mar.

What's your name?

My name is Sammy.

It's nice to meet you, Sammy.

It's nice to meet you, Mar.

I'm so happy that you are here in this organization that my parents really helped found.

That's so...

And Connections is a branch of that.

Oops, sorry to cut you off Sammy, I have trouble reading non-verbal cues because of my vision impairment.

That's okay, Mar.

I'm always respectful to people around me.

Their needs and their wishes.

That's so cool.

Mar and Sammy that was great, thank you so much.

Who wants to go next?

Sarah, all right.

Who's gonna partner with Sarah?

Andrew, how about you?

Haven't heard from you much today.


Hey, David.

We're gonna stick with the same thing, friendly conversations, with people who we maybe have just met or don't know very well.

Does that sound okay?

Yeah, that sounds like a plan.

All right.

David, sound okay to you?


Okay, go for it.

So David, what would you like to talk about?

Do you like to speak about movies, operas, ballets, Broadway musicals?


Me neither.

I'm not really crazy about speaking about any of that kind of stuff.

Yes, Sarah.

Dorsey, David's being really quiet, and shy.

He's not participating.

He's not contributing to his fair share in the conversation.

He's just being so, really in dead silence.

So let's ask the group what they think could help David be more involved in the conversation.

I think Sarah, threw a little too much information at David all at once.

Sometimes, when you're in a conversation with someone new, that's not good, it can scare them.

Any other suggestions?

You cannot bring up a conversation topic, if neither of you is interested.

So let's find a common interest.

David, you can even pick the interest.

How about the Brooklyn Bridge.

Oh, okay!

That sounds wonderful.

What do you really love and enjoy the most about doing at the Brooklyn Bridge, I mean we should really make some plans to go together.

That would be very interesting for both of us.

And we could both have a wonderful time together.

We can both jump off the bridge.

Dorsey, David's really, really not cooperating with me.

I can't believe she actually took me so seriously.

Well David, I actually think that this would be a really wonderful homework assignment for the two of you.

You can practice those conversation skills and come back and share that with the group.

David, I need you to cooperate.

Just missed my freakin' elevator.

I just want to get out of this building.

David, that's very irrelevant.

We need to focus on getting our homework assignment completed that Dorsey assigned us to.

This is very exciting for me!

Maybe for you.

We wanna report, my job and my responsibility, David, is to report to Dorsey and keep her posted on how everything goes that we observe at the Brooklyn Bridge.

We have to make this plan.

We were the one that committed.

We have to stick to our commitments and plan properly.


David we have to make plans, we're not planning properly, we have to plan properly David.

See you later.

Have a nice life.

Hi! Hi!

You must be Angie.


I'm David, that's right. So nice to meet you.

It's great to meet you too. I didn't know if you were gonna recognize me from the website.

You look even more beautiful than in person than on your profile.

Oh my god, thank you.

Oh my gosh, sorry.

I'm usually not this nervous, but you know I rarely meet nice, normal, guys.

Thank you.


So uh, do you want anything to eat or anything?

You seem hungry or nervous or something.

No, I'm on this no-carb diet, so that's all you.

Did you know that milk had carbs in them?

Wow, milk had carbs.

So I'm excited about this U2 concert tonight, you know? Yes, me too!

I love U2!

I love Bono, I'm obsessed with him.

I know everything about him, like his date of birth: May 10th, 1960.

Whoa, 1960.

You kind of look like him a little bit.

Hello, hello!

Yeah, the glasses. That's good.

That's good.

Um, do you always keep your sunglasses on?


It's my allergies.

Do you need a napkin?

No, I just... so, um, you into sports at all?

Um, sort of.

You heard of Kobe Bryant?

Yeah, this morning he was traded to the LA Rapers.

I'm sorry, that wasn't funny.

I got a funnier one.

My two favorite things, Jello pudding and rape.

I'm just gonna run to the bathroom.

Excuse me, I'm sorry, excuse me, sorry.




Such a fucking bum.

Fucking bum!

Welcome to Drama Therapy I'm so happy to be here Delilah.

Excellent, so this summer, we're actually gonna be working towards a performance.


Oooh, wow!

Yeah, and what we're gonna be doing is we're going to be exploring who we are and then we're gonna be able to show that to the world.

And so one of the things we're gonna do this summer is we're going to create our performance around the idea of superheroes.


So what I want you guys to be thinking about, think about if you had a superhero power, what would it be?

I love it.

That is fantastic!

I love it, it's just what I've wanted for years.


What happened?


You missed our homework assignment.

What homework assignment?

Remember, we were supposed to write a report about the Brooklyn Bridge.

Look, how about this.

Why don't you do this professionally, okay?

I'm gonna pay you money to do this.

I mean, you want money.

How much do you want, $20?

David, that's not the assignment, you're giving me a really hard time which is completely not okay, completely unacceptable.

Look David, if you're not gonna cooperate with me and contribute to your fair share, I'm going to advocate myself and speak my mind to Dorsey

'cause this is completely unacceptable.

Okay, you want to go to the Brooklyn Bridge, we'll go to the Brooklyn Bridge, okay?

We'll go to the Brooklyn Bridge, okay?

Will that get you off my case?

What does off your case mean?

It means you'll be satisfied.

Very much so.


Um, I find it really really scary.

But I feel so much safer on the bus, and the only way to get home to my grandmother's home safe and sound is the bus, and taxis are so expensive and I find them so nerve-wracking.

What are you Rain Man or something?

I mean, you have to have a system for everything, gotta go to Kmart, 41 Oak Street, lights at 11.

Don't you just want to live without going according to the system, without sticking to the line once?

Believe me, I took the bus once, it was a messed up experience for me.

I got on the bus, it was goddamned crowded, I felt like a sardine, then when I sat down, this homeless guy got up to me and started harassing the shit out of me and I felt like yelling out hobophobic slurs, not homophobic, hobophobic...

What's Hobophobic?

It's a phobia against bums.

Look, it's one thing if you want to take the bus by yourself, you can do whatever the hell you want on your own, but when you're with me, let's take a cab.

Buses are for paupers, and cabs are for the prince and the princess.

You know, why don't you just sit back, lay back and enjoy the ride.


So how much do I owe you, sir?


Here you go, $20.

Keep the change.


C'mon, come join me David!

I'm having a wonderful time!

My first time ever at the Brooklyn Bridge!

It's a gorgeous bird's-eye view!

Where are you going, David?

I'm free now.

But, how am I getting home?

How do you usually get home?

I plan to take my bus.

So then, take the bus.

The bus from the JCC is the only way I know how to get home to my grandmother's home safely, and I count 13 stops.

Oh Jesus.

How old are you Sarah?

David, I'm 24.

And how long have you been living in New York?

I've been living in New York City my whole life since I was a little born child.

So you mean to tell me that you've been in this town for 24 years and you don't know how to get to your grandmother's house from here?

Well, the JCC, the bus from the JCC is the only way I know how to get home.

That's the only way.

You happy now?

I had to take you all the way back to the JC bus stop.

I guess you want to take the bus, we'll take the, look there we go, it's your bus stop right there.

Okay, take the bus, okay?





Um, David.


Um, what about, what about, what about.

What happened?

When are we gonna finish our homework assignment?

At the Brooklyn Bridge?

We were there all day?

We just did.

But it's not complete, we're supposed to write a report about it.

I don't know, do it with one of your friends.

But David, I really feel strongly about doing this with you, I really, really wanna do it with you because I find you really smoking hot and so sexy.

Hey Mom, is it okay if Geraldo drives me into the city today?

It's a Sunday, what are you doing in the city?

I just feel like hanging out and stuff.

You know, for that group.

I didn't think you were forced to go there on the weekend.

Do I need to make a call to that woman, Dorothy?

No no no, it's not that.

It's this voluntary thing, you know?


I just figured I'd get extra credit.

They'd let me out earlier for like good behavior and stuff.

You're here to audition for my play.

A lot of you are vying for the same part.

I hope that this does not cause any problems with your relationships.

These pages aren't numbered but flip the page.

Here scene three, do you see it Sarah?

Pardon me pretty lady, I couldn't help but notice you in tears.

What seems to be the trouble?

I'd love to help.

David, you made it!

I want you to audition for my play, for the leading role of Travis McHenry.

You look just like my idol that I have loved ever since I was a teen, he's on a show that did not last very long but it's called Malibu Mohawks.

Oh, Malibu Mohawks?

My cousin was on that show.

Your cousin? Matt Cone, Matt Cone!

Matt Cone's your cousin?

He's my cousin.

He's more like a brother to me

'cause I really worship him. Matt Cone is your cousin?


Like a brother to you?

Just tell me why he's your idol, huh?

Why do you love him so much?

He looks like the person who really can sweep me off my feet.

And I know that he is as wonderful, he's as fancy on the inside as he is on the outside.

Okay, what is it you want me to do?

I want you to try on some clothes for Travis.

Why don't we try on this beautiful, Handsome, white shirt.

I want to see how you look in it.

What the hell is this? C'mon David.

This looks kind of gay, no offense.

Travis is bi-sexual.


Whoa, whoa.

I'm not going to play gay...

I think you can...

I like women you know?

Are you sure?


This is a man's shirt.

Travis is a man.

It says Ann Taylor Loft.

Ann Taylor is the designer.

Yeah, that's a woman's designer.

She's the designer, she doesn't wear the shirt.

The men and the women will love you, try it on.

You do realize those people are weird in there, don't you?

Huh? No.

No, what do you mean no?

You don't know that they're not exactly normal?

Um, no.

I mean, do they have you brainwashed or something?

What's brainwashed?

Like, they think for you.

You don't want to be like that, you want to be normal like me.

Sorry, I sneezed.

Are you okay?

Yeah, it's been a very hot day today.

I bet, it's really hotsy-totsy today.

You don't have to say stuff like that, it's kind of irritating, I mean, hotsy-totsy, sharing is caring.

Yummy in my tummy!

See, there you go again.

I mean, why do you say stuff like that?

It's very irritating.

So in other words, it rubs you in the wrong way?

Yeah, that's right.

So meaning, it's not your cup of tea and it doesn't float your boat?

See, you're doing it again.

You don't want people to think that you're abnormal or anything like that, right?

Like those people at that program.

I don't know.

No offense or anything, but I think you're above them.

What's your problem anyway?

I don't know what's wrong with you.

Well, I have autism.

Is that it?

Um, no, I also have an LD.

What is that like a venereal thing?

No, it's a learning disability.

Oh, huh.

Well, I guess everybody's got problems.

That's true, so what's your problem, David?

I don't know, I guess I got a little bit stressed out this year, but I've been getting better, you know?

Why do you have to go home so urgently, anyhow?

How about if I take you out instead tonight?

What will I tell my grandmother?

Well, if not, then how about tomorrow night?

Tomorrow is Game Night.


Thursday, we're going on a field trip to the zoo.

How about Friday then?

Friday is show tunes.

Show tunes?

Yeah, show tunes is every single Friday.

Every single Friday?

I enjoy it very much, show tunes.

How about, just miss one show tunes?

Just for me?

So I guess, I'll see you this Friday?

This is my bus.

We're gonna continue today working with our theme of superheroes.

Sound okay?

Yes! Wonderful!

So the question I asked you guys last week, and I asked you guys to think about it a little bit was:

If you had a superpower, what would it be?

Uh, I guess it would be to, I guess it would be to,

I guess it would be to let the world know who I really am, you know?

To let the world know who you really are?

But to really express myself in a variety of ways.

My superpower would be to get Matt Cone to fall in love with me and to propose to me.

Matt Cone is kissing me, our shirts are off, we're lying down, his stomach is touching mine.

All right.

Let's try to stay focused. Okay?

On the count of three, I'm gonna ask you guys to change the way you're sitting in your chair, and I want you to think about how this superhero would sit.

You ready?

Okay, hold on I didn't count to three yet.

Oh sorry. Okay, you ready?

One, two, three!

Ooh, careful.

Look at all of these amazing superheroes here.

What incredible characters.


If you had a superpower, what would it be?

I'd be invisible.


So I can go into the ladies' locker room.

To do this stunt, takes a lot of confidence.

You all should be confident.

Give him a hand!

So, a guy walks into a sex shop and says, "I want an inflatable doll."

What's an inflatable?

You know, those sex dolls, you have sex with those inflatable dolls that you see at the Porno Stop.

But so he says, "do you want a male doll

"or a female doll to do it with?"

"I want a female doll to do with, what do you think I'm gay

"and I want to do it with a male doll?"

"Okay, do you want a black doll or a white doll?"

"I don't know, I'm not sure, I guess a white doll?"

That's so racist and offensive.

Well it gets even more racist and offensive!

"Do you want a Jewish inflatable doll, "a Christian inflatable doll or a Muslim inflatable doll?"

He goes, "Why do you ask me that?"

"Because the Muslims, they blow themselves up!"


You don't get it?

No I don't, I find it really offensive, and so confusing.

So, you know that girl that said, "I'm not working during the week

"because I have to go do camp in Cranford?"

Right. So I go, "Oh well, "I'm Jewish, I don't like to do camp."

Hold on, what camp is this?

I don't know, I think it's a concentration.

I'm just kidding!

That's not funny!

I need to concentrate.


So what camp is this?

Um, I'm not sure.


But, I go, "I don't like to go to no camps, I'm Jewish!"

Well, I'm, you know what David, I'm Jewish, but I've been to sleep-away camp and I've performed in a lot of musical theater productions and plays.

Oh, it was a stupid joke I said, I'm sorry...

Can you give me a time to ask you, maybe, what the joke means?

I'll explain the joke, I mean, I'll explain the joke.

Because words can have multiple meanings. Because, it's like, yeah, there were multiple meanings.

Just like with...

Maybe when there's a pause I can ask you for clarification...

Words... Wait, don't interrupt me, I can ask you for clarification.

I'm sorry, I'm getting nervous, I didn't mean to interrupt. Maybe when there's a pause to ask you, so I know what it means.

I need specifics.

I only said it to make you laugh, not to make you argue with me.

It sounds like Who's on First.

I don't want to hear Who's on First, I just, all I care about is understanding your jokes.

Sarah, I made a boo-boo, okay?

It's not you, it's me.

I didn't mean to annoy you just now, okay?

How ya doing, chicken and rice.


I have an opportunity that I think you'll appreciate as a gay man.


Uh, lamb gyro please?

Dude, I'm not gay.


Sorry, I'm not gay. Thank you.

But you have such gay mannerisms.

You're so artsy.

You're so suave and you seem to flirt with all the guys.

How would you and Matt like to come to our exclusive club of show tunes on Friday?

I can't this Friday, I have plans.

Cancel them.

Nah, I'm supposed to see Sarah that day.

Sarah is gonna be at show tunes.

She can't get out of this Friday?

She can't, ever!

She is the star, she is the diva, she is the songbird, she provides the music.

Without her, there'd be no music.

Well, I gotta see Sarah that day, I mean, we have plans, you know?

I mean, to go out on a date.

She's my girlfriend.


Yeah, she's my girlfriend.

Oh my god!

You know what then, nevermind.

Don't come to show tunes, it's okay, forget I ever said anything.

Don't come to show tunes.

Wait wait, what the hell, you just offered me and then you take it away?

No, it's okay, I changed my mind...

I got to see Sarah that day!

You can see Sarah another day.

Please don't come to show tunes.

Why not?

Why not?

How much?


There you go, keep the change.

Thank you. Have a good day.

Your turn, Zach, if that's your real name.

Uh, how 'bout something from Les Mis.

Could we please do something else?

We hear it all the time from Sarah.

How about a song from Cats?

Which version?

Can it be the same one?

I prefer it wasn't, we like some variety in this thing.

Zach, could you pick something else?

No. It's not up to him, Sammy.

All right, your turn, hippy guy.

My name is Dylan, don't call me that ever again.

What's your pick.

The Acid Queen.

Great song, but not a show tune.

How about, Paradox, or When You Had Left Your Pirate Fold, from Pirates of Penzance?

You always pick that one, but the game requires me to indulge you.


Hey everybody.

What are you doing here?

I told you not to come.

Gotta give this to you.

Wow, you look great!

I mean, you look great in red too.

I love the red dress by the way, you know.

I was figuring, maybe you wanna get together later, after this thing, you know?

Go out somewhere to eat?

Why aren't you happy to see me?

David, I know how smokin' hot and sexy you are, but this is not the right time and the place to be having this conversation.

We're not gonna discuss it here any further.

So, what exactly is it that you do, David?

I'm a filmmaker.


I have a project in the works.

Let me guess, you... still live with your parents.

Never earned a nickel in your life, and never actually make films, just talk about making them.

Am I on point here, so far?

I'm a legit filmmaker.

I have a film, which is in consideration of the Palm Beach International Film Festival.

Here, take a look at this.

My movie.

Please take that thing out of my face, a bunch of random home movies strung together in no aesthetic order.

So, Sarah, my darling, it is your turn.

Why don't you ever let me sing?

As my girlfriend, Sarah has special privileges.

Now sing my beautiful songbird!

Magnificent, brava!

Sarah and Will are a couple?

Let me explain, Sarah is basically a player or a man-izer.


This is part of her nature.

She said she really likes me, that I'm the cat's meow.

She also describes the holocaust as a bummer.

Can you understand this about her?


Don't expect anything other than dates and sex.

Can we play the title song of Anything Goes?

Help a brother out man?

Get that fuckin' thing out of my face, it's not my fault you fucked your life up, you fuckin' asshole!

Fuck you, you bum!

Fuck you!

Chill out, dude.

Shut the fuck up!

Okay, Sarah, Zach?

Now, we did scene three before, now we're gonna try it without scripts.

That being said, Zach, same thing.

Butt-naked would be best.

All my clothes are staying on.

Then, that is fine.

To him directly?


Oh, Travis.

I'm so impressed you came to me.


What? You don't know his name.

No, just say it without the name?

Say it without the name.

Oh my God, I'm so impressed you came to me.

The joy of my life!

It makes me, I'm so thrilled!


What? Do you tell him how you feel, right away?


Why you didn't tell me you had a boyfriend?

What do you mean?

Exactly what I meant.

Why you didn't tell me you had a boyfriend?

Well, I don't know how you felt about open relationships...

Open relationships?

This is what you call this?

David, I still need to, I need to still properly smooth you out here.

I mean, what you don't understand is, there's so much fish out there in the sea.

And you let all these fish, touch you?

No, it's just, all these men who are on top of me, all over me. Oh my god... or on my lap.


Am I hearing right, they sit on your lap and all that?

My god.

Okay, I'm going to use a really, really ugly word right now.

I'm not ugly.

I didn't say you were ugly.

I said I'm using an ugly word.

Does the word promiscuous mean anything to you?


It means that these men, do not respect you.

That they just want you for one thing.

Right in the spur of the moment, I feel as though you're putting a lot of social and emotional pressure right now to me.

When was the last time Will actually included you in a conversation, huh?


I'm not pressuring you.

You do what you want to.

I'm not gonna force you to be my girlfriend.


Sarah and David, you had some homework, right?

You went to the Brooklyn Bridge?

How was it?

It's kind of irritating.

Okay, irritating, how?

Sarah, what about you?

What did you think of the Brooklyn Bridge?

Well, to be very honest with you, Dorsey, even though David found it really irritating to focus on the positive, I had a wonderful time.

Terrific memories there.

Can anybody else relate to that?

Yeah, I don't envy anybody...

Are you getting in, Mr. Cohen?

What about your friends?

One, two... gah!

Be angry!



One more for good luck!

You wanna kiss your boyfriend.

What about you, girl?

I don't know how.

Here, use this, use this.

I just felt like watching.

I have very severe diet restrictions to gluten, I wanna make sure there's no gluten.

I just want to make it absolutely very, very crystal clear.

And if it has no gluten, I would really love the lobster salad.

Does mayonnaise have gluten in it?

No, all right.

Okay, yeah.

Look at this, this is fun.

It doesn't have to necessarily be on the beach David, you know?

Well this is what the beach is about.

David, I just really don't like the sand on my feet.

Come on, I just wanna hold your hand.

Can't we do something else?

Like mix and match and explore a variety...

What you want to do Sarah?

Okay, what do you want to do, okay?

What I want to do David... We're in Coney Island here.

There's like a million things to do here, what do you want to do?

Oh my god. Oh, look, look!...

David, look!

Look at this, I love, this looks so exciting, look at the one right here, look!

David, sweetheart, this looks so exciting and tantalizing.

It looks like the strings are going to break, I don't want you to get hurt.

We won't get hurt, you'll protect me.

I want to go on them with you.

I just figured, you'd like the teacups, the horsey rides, the boats.

Perfect for a lady like you, you know?

I don't want to go on the baby rides, I've aged out of those stages.

Do you want to go on the sling ride?

Where's the sling ride?

Look at that, up in the air.

The boat rides, are still not appropriate for my, the boat rides are still very babyish.

We can always go on the horsey ride, you know, like the merry-go-round?

Everybody goes on the merry-go-round.

Everyone of all ages.

Okay. It's not just for babies.

Okay, I trust you on that, we'll do that.

What's wrong?

Don't you want a horse?

No, horses are not for men.




I'm having a blast, David, woo!



Sorry, it's my allergies.

It's okay, it's okay!

Oh, I'm out of control, get off the ride!

Stop the ride!

Stop the ride!

About that thing, the horsey ride, I just got real sick that's all, but I'm okay now, you know?

I mean, I'm not contagious or anything like...

Sarah, look at me.

I'm okay.

I mean, I've really been getting better.

Well, I always say, you can't go wrong with a little Gilbert and Sullivan...

Gilbert and Sullivan?

For this?

How 'bout some Justin Timberlake.

Hey, Will.

Let's do Mirrors and Cry Me A River, they're both on your Best List.

I'm excited to see what you present in the showcase.

Oh really, I thought you were just passing through.

Are you a fairy princess?

I really love your outfit, it's so beautiful!

I love green, it's my favorite color!

Hey, thank you!

God bless you!

Here we are, my cousin's play.

You're just gonna love it.

Hey Matt, it's David.

We just saw your show, we're still at the theater, so I don't know what to do.

You want to meet us at the restaurant?

Is there anything I can help you with though?

No, I don't really need anything.

I wanna know what your hobbies are, what are you passionate about?

I don't have hobbies.

I just work.

Oh, what are you so passionate about working in the theater?

What do you love about it so much?


I don't love anything about it.

Please give me a call, okay?


Hey. We're not exactly asking for autographs, have you seen Matt Cone?

I just work the door, I'm just security.

If I show my ticket stubs, can I go in?

I really got to see him.

You can't go in here.

Well, they do come out here, the actor's right?

I'm not asking for any trouble, I'm not a bad person or anything, I just...

You're not getting any trouble.

There's no trouble, you just can't go in this door.

He's my cousin, you know?

I don't care who your cousin is, or your brother, your uncle, your grandmother, I don't care...

I feel like you're angry at the world, ya know.

You should just lighten up, ya know?

I mean, I'll tell you a joke, Shia LaBeouf was in the car with Lindsay Lohan.

Do you know who was driving?

The cops!

You trying to get hurt?

You wanna get hurt tonight?

Being up so late, it's gorgeous.

Well hurry up, the light, the light.

David, it's so deserted here, like there's no one, there's no souls, like it's practically not even...

Watch out for those bikers!

Isn't this place great?

Oh my god.

You know you're at a good restaurant when the ambiance is beautiful.

So, take a look at the menu.

David, but the language is so confusing, I mean...

That's because it's Italian, it's another country.

David, I don't speak any Italian, it's very confusing. I don't either.

Just order anything that sounds pretty.

Under antipasti, there's esparigo di campo, esparigo oliva oil, foggi montinada.

David, that's so confusing that I have no idea what that means.

That's how Italian works, you know?

Good evening.

Hi my name is Kevin, I'll be taking care of you.

Hey Kevin. Good evening Kevin.

What's up Kevin?

Something for the lovely lady and gentleman?

Well, I just want you to know, I'm expecting two more people.

Oh great, well we do have some specials tonight:

Mozzarella con Funghi, Scallopine Tutta Terra, Farfalle con Pollo, Carciofi, Marsala, Salmone, that's with the little white wine sauce.

It sounds so beautiful and romantic.

See, it sounds like music, Sarah.

It sounds great, here why don't you order whatever you want, okay?

Excuse me for a minute.

Okeydokey artichokey, oh my goodness.

I mean, we're holding the table for you, but you want to meet for drinks after or something?

Ah, sorry bud.

This cast party's not letting out, but it'll be just you and me next time.

I promise. Yeah, yeah and Sarah.

You gotta meet this girl, she's beautiful, classy and she's crazy about me, Matt.

All right buddy, I can't wait to meet her.

Yeah, we'll do a double date.

Wow, this is a lot of food.

I'm glad you're getting comfortable here.

How do you like it? This is to die from.

Yeah, it's good, isn't it?


And here we are...


Would you like anything else?

No, I'll just have the check, here.


I've never seen you so happy before, aren't you glad you came here?

This is a $900 bill.

What were you doing there, traveling Europe?

I met a girl.

David, come on, one of the internet women, your imaginary girlfriends?

No, this girl's real.

Sure she is.

She wants to marry me.


David, that is not funny.

Where's she from?

From that group?

This is a gold-digger.

From now on, you go to your classes, you come home.

Look I'll pay you back.

You couldn't pay me back for a Lifesaver.

It's not the money.

It's where will you be when we're gone?

Who's going to take care of you when Dad and I are gone?



Hi grandma.

Hi, who's this?

This is my boyfriend, David Cohen.

Hi David. Hi.

Would you like a tequila?

Uh, no thanks, I'm not thirsty but thank you.

Oh, you're welcome.

Okay, excuse me, I'm going in. Oh, I'm sorry.

Yeah, it's all right.

She's my Grandma.

She's an alcoholic.


There's me at my bar mitzvah.


Yeah, I was a cute kid back then.

That's my prom date.

I didn't even get to kiss her.

That's too bad.

Well, that's high school.

Say hi to the camera, David.

So what do you think, huh?

Isn't it great?

I mean, that's my whole autobiography, you know?

Overall, I really, really loved it.

It's a powerful film.

You have to admit, it is very creative, don't you think?

Yeah, it's really... to be very honest with you, I mean, it's very powerful and very creative.

I really loved it very very much overall, except for... That's right, it's a work of art.

Yeah, that's what I really loved about it, for everything except for the ending which was really, really confusing.

But that's the point.

Nobody says, when I grow up, I choose to be that, you know?

And sometimes, changes happen for the worst and people just have a sad ending after that, and that's realistic.

Like that, you know those tics and all that.

Those noises that I make?

I'm perfectly aware of that, but David, let me give you also positive critiques, what I did really, really love, your childhood memories, your bar mitzvah and your graduation, they were so rewarding and so special.

You know my cousin, Matt Cone?


You know how Sammy always says, oh Matt Cone this, Matt Cone that, I want Matt Cone.

You know why?

He's a very, very important person.

He's an actor and all that.

A real big-time celebrity.

Mm-hmm. He's going to like put this in a film festival.

Palm Beach International Film Festival.

He's gonna open the door for me, and I'm gonna catch my big break in Hollywood.

You know? Cool.

Sarah, can I ask you something?

Yes David, sure.

I mean, I know that, I seem like a big shot driving around town with my limo driver, and taking you to all these nice fancy restaurants.

It never occurred to you, oh this kid's just a total bum with no future, just a complete bum.

You don't think I'm a bum, do you?

Absolutely not, David.

I think you're really, really bright, very smart, really, really a glorious hunky, sensational and just so sexy and attractive-looking.

To a point that it's really getting me in a very horny and sexually-arousing mood right now.

Wow, oh my god, you have your hand on my leg.

That feels so sexually arousing.

Oh, god.


Go Josh, go Josh, go Josh, go Josh, go Josh.

Go Sarah, go Sarah, go Sarah.

It's so easy, it's a piece of cake.

I'll teach you, David.

I don't like to dance, come on.

But I'll teach you, it's a piece of cake.

Come to the dance floor.

I would like to make a toast to Sarah and David.

As somebody who has dated many men, I never thought you would find love like you did with David.

You two are really going to make it as a couple!

I know it.

So here's to you, to Sarah and David!

To Sarah and David!

It's getting a little sappy for my taste here.

When we say I love you,

we're really trying to say to the other person, I like you enough not to wanna rip your face off and feed it to a dog, feed it to a mongrel.

That would be a bummer.

I don't believe that for a minute.

I think you two will get married, and Matt and I will get married and the four of us are going to be family together and friends together.

How can you have friends, if the person next to you is the one who's gonna sell you out to save his own ass, you know?

It would be boring, imagine if you didn't have someone to nuke.

Come on man.

Do you watch a lot of Fox News?

I'm a Fox News junkie.

I like it the way Homer Simpson likes Duff at Moe's Tavern.

Do you know what Homer Simpson said to the drug dealer?

No, what?


Oh my god, oh my god...

You know, I'm with Nancy Reagan there.


Can you pass the potato... and the macaroni?

Are there any more chicken cutlets?

Here you go, Sammy.

On your way, you're Russian.

When you get in, European.

When you come out, you're Finnish.

What does a soda machine have in common with Monica Lewinsky?

Both say insert Bill here.

Oh, let Sarah!


Come on Sarah.

I don't know any jokes.

The jokes are gluten free.

I don't know any jokes.

Don't pressure her, come on, come on guys.

I don't know any jokes.

It's okay, it's okay.

I got one, I got one.

This one got me into a bit of trouble.

Why did the Jewish guy divorce his wife when she became a cop?


'Cause Jews can't eat pork.

So we've got our showcase Night to Shine coming up really soon, and I also have registration for the fall semester.

If anyone wants to sign up for the fall be sure to register and write your name down because this registration goes really quickly.

There's a clipboard going around this side of the room, but I'm gonna start another one over here.

Just put your name down, and I hope to see you in the fall, so we can have more fun together.

I just don't understand why you're leaving.

Why aren't you coming back, David?

I don't know, I just can't.

Can I ask you something, Sarah?

Do you want to live with your grandmother forever?

I mean you do want to grow, right?

You're a grown woman.


Don't you wanna have all the things that normal people have?

I want to marry you.

I don't see myself being with anyone else but you, Sarah.

If I had to go to Florida, would you come with me?

To Florida?

No, no, no, she can't come to Florida.

I don't even know this girl, and you want her to live with us for six months?

What if she just comes for the ride and she can stay at Aunt Evelyn's and Uncle Harry's?

In Boca.

She's not some girl from some crazy house though, she really has it together and she's beautiful, and she's Jewish too, mom!

You'd love her so much, you'd probably want her to be your daughter-in-law one day.

Maybe, maybe someday we'll meet her, but we don't bring people to Florida, especially people that we don't know, okay?

That dad and I haven't met so...

Okay, well what if I told you she's upstairs right now in my bedroom.

I invited her for the weekend.

Look, this has no gluten in it, it's very good, it's very healthy.

Wow, it looks really delicious and yummy in the tummy.

Potatoes, beets.

Here try this try it and tell me what you think of this.

Oh I love it, it's absolutely delicious, groovalicious and really yummy in the tummy.

So, Sarah, how did you two meet?

Oh, well Carrie that's a great question.

David and I, us two met at a place called the Jewish Community Center and I found the perfect one, right here.

Mm-hmm It was a dream come true, it was very romantic and sexual.

It was what?

I mean, Mom, Dad, you see how happy I am, you know?

Sarah is the most amazing thing that ever happened to me.

She's the one for me.

How long did it take to realize that this was the one?

We met over a month ago, but officially, we've been going out for roughly two weeks.

Mm-hmm. We've been dating.

Two weeks?

Yes. Mm-hmm.

That's 14 days.


Half a month.

If you have any questions, you know what to do, okay?

Don't worry about trying to understand.

Just follow the leader!

That's right, follow the leader, okay?

Just pretend you're interested in what they have to say.

If they laugh, you laugh, if they look serious, you look serious, okay?

In other words, I will try my best to lighten my load, take a chill pill and have a wonderful time.

Yeah, we just need to chill out tonight, okay?

In other words, to get the lay of the land, cool ourselves off and have a wonderful time.

You don't even have to say that, just say, yeah okay cool, that's great.

Okay, cool, take a chill pill, lighten our loads...

You know that saying, less is more?

I remember perfectly, David.


Uncle Jimmy!

How are ya?

This is my girlfriend Sarah.


Yeah. Holy moly!

Let me get a look.


What did the duck say to the bartender?

Come on. Here we go again.

It's okay.


Put it on my bill.


Multiple meanings!

Hi, oh how lovely to meet you.

I'm Sarah Silverstein, David Cohen's girlfriend.

And I love being a performing artist, singing, acting and working with.

Let me ask you this, Aunt Jessica, or what about you, what's your name?

What are your passions and careers that you guys like to do for fun?

Well, we love artwork.

We like to go to art shows, and we like to travel.

What kind of art shows, do you guys like?

We go to a lot of craft shows.

Oh, wow.

It's a really great pleasure to meet you, what a blessing.

I really love your outfit too, I love the color pink, it's my second favorite color.

Thank you, you're very interesting.

Thank you, it's a pleasure meeting you too.

I mean, boy you really love those garnishes.

Down the hatch-a-roonie it goes.



I tasted it, it was so yummy in the tummy.

Didn't you have enough to eat, sweetheart?


Are you all right?

Everybody's okay. I'm fine, I'm perfectly fine.

Did he ever tell you any of his jokes?

Oh, many many times in the past.

They're a bit, very confusing.

It took me a lot of time to process and understand them.

Two Jews walk into a bar. Right.

They buy it!

You know why he cracks me up.

I don't know.

I love your song.

What? I love your song.

What was the name of that song?

Thank you.

We have to clear out the boathouse for Matt.

Matt's here?

In the boathouse.

Matt, my cousin, Matt, Matt Cone.

Ladies first.

Thank you.

Just walk on the pebbles.


On the pebbles, on the pebbles.

No, on the pebbles.

Yeah, step down.

It's okay, it's okay.

I got you, I got you.

Oh, sand.

I'm on the sand, you're on the rocks.

See, we're on our way to the party.

See, you're not getting muddy at all.

Ooh, you don't have to step on that rock but, yeah, here we are.

We live our lives, we're busy, and all this stuff going on.

Yeah, but that kind of implies that like you're not present enough with each other on a day-to-day basis enough to know that...

Yo, Matt!

What's up Matt?

Whoa, David, holy...

Dude, I can't believe you're here.

What's going on?

Yo, it's my girlfriend, Sarah.

Your girlfriend?

Yeah, my girlfriend. Yeah?

Is he paying you?

Shut up, Matt!

Oh, I'm just kidding.

You're just pulling my chain, Matt.

Yes, I am, Sarah.

I'm sorry, I have a messed up sense of humor.

It's cool man, it's cool, yo.

Yeah, come on in, celebrate with us.

Let's make this a bigger holiday.


Yeah, so you remember Karen of course.

Hey Karen, how are you?

How are you?

And Julia...

Hi, nice to meet you.

What's up Luke?

What's up David?

What's up man? Good to see you brother.

And this is...


Hi Sarah.

Sit down, you guys, please.

Thank you guys so much for hosting us.

Thank you for having us.

So this is David's place that we are crashing at.

David, this is amazing, thanks for having us.

Thank you, it's an honor having you guys here.

Yeah, it's an amazing honor It's our pleasure. for us to be here with... I mean the star of Malibu Mohawks, a movie star.

No, no, no...

He loves it, he loves it.

Not talking about that right now.

Why don't you tell him our other news.

Oh my god. I popped the question!

Wow, you're getting married?

Yeah. You said yes?

Yeah, I said yes, I'm wearing the ring.

Of course!

Congratulations, mazel tov!

Thank you.

So are we!

You guys too?

We've been discussing it lately, like in theory and all that, you know?

You don't waste any time, huh man?

Are you nervous? It's been the best two weeks of my life.

Yeah, David was especially really, really nervous...

No I'm not...

Yes, it's about the penis going inside the vagina.

Oh? No, no, no.

But I definitely did teach him how to have sexual intercourse, in a very constructive way, for the very first time at my bedroom in my apartment.

Use a condom.

Oh I love condoms, I live in a condom!

She's just very sheltered, she thought you're talking about condos.

Not only am I very innocent and really beautiful princess, but I'm a lyric soprano singer with perfect pitch.


That's wonderful, isn't it?

That's great, okay?

Okay, okay.

She's got a nice voice.

Please stop, please stop, please stop.

Please stop!

Stop it, zip it!

Please, please, I'm sorry, just please, I'm sorry you're right in my ear and piercing my ears, okay?

Okay, please?


I mean, Matt was applauding it.

I know, I know, but you don't understand.

People are clapping because they're trying to be polite, they don't like your music...

I was just...

You're embarrassing me, I was just... in front of some very important people.

You're even embarrassing yourself.

Just trust me.


So, how about this?

A guy walks into a sex shop, right?

And he says, I want an inflatable doll.

What's wrong?

Where's Sarah?

Well, she begged me to take her home.

Geraldo's driving her back.

What happened?



The mailbox is full and cannot accept any messages at this time, goodbye.

David, give me some of the lox please.


David, will you pass dad the lox, we've asked you three times.

Thanks, honey.

You okay?

He's a little upset about that girl.

Oh, your bride?

Are you joking?

Nevermind, it is a private joke.

Oh, it would have been a lot, sweetheart, with all you go through, to take care of someone with problems like that.

What was her issue anyway?

She had an LD.

An LD, what's that?

Learning disability.

Oh, I'd say more than that.

Was she brain damaged?

I mean, you'd ask her a simple question and she'd talk your head off.

It was a non-verbal learning disability.

She also ate a dozen radish roses off my fish platter.

A dozen radishes, I'm not kidding.

I thought she was sweet.

She was weird.

David, better you should find someone who maybe is more advanced at things than you are.

Like, Melinda, that girl you used to date?

Angie, whatever happened to Angie?

The girls from the internet.

Well, we go to Florida next week.

Maybe that'll cheer him up.

I liked her because she was weird, Mom.

I'm weird too.

What do you think about this for Annie, and this for Zach?


Is Sarah backstage?

I really need to speak to her, okay?

Backstage is for actors who want to be in my play, not for actors who called it a load of bullshit, like you called it.

I want to be an actor in your play, okay?

I'll even go butt-naked if you want.

I'll even do a gay sex scene with you, just let me see Sarah.

After what you did to her, she decided she wants nothing to do with you, so please go away, you asshole.

The other day my dad said he wanted some wine, "Dad, do I have to?"

I get very angry when innocent people get hurt by bullies.

And it is my job to protect them!

Try to find, what's going on in their mind, when you see somebody who's in need.

For those of you who don't know me, my name is Jared Klimber and I'm from the south shore of Long Island.

I would like to take a moment just because...

What do you do with the mad that you feel when you feel so mad you could bite?

What do you say when you see a fawn?

Oh dear?

Hi, I'm Sarah.

I really want to take this time to show the entire world my musical theater beauty-glow.

You getting on or not?

You getting on or not, man?

Here, keep the change.

Exact change.


One, two...

Sorry, I've never been on a bus before.

Do you have $2.75, sir?

One, two, three, um...


I don't know how much...

Nope, just one more quarter.