Keeping Mum (2005) Script

Thank you. You're welcome.


Oh, my!

Mrs. Jones, Rosemary Jones?

Rosie, please, I prefer Rosie.

Is everything alright? Yes, fine...

I was just checking the... trunk, the big leather trunk. Is that yours?

Yes, that's mine.

Good, thank you. Good.


Mrs. Jones?

Good morning, officers.

Two dismembered bodies, Rosemary.

Why don't you just tell me who they are?

My husband and his mistress. They were planning to run away together.

So you thought you'd just kill them instead.

Well, I couldn't very well stand idly by, could I?

Rosemary Jones, you've been found guilty for the crime of manslaughter.

Manslaughter! And at the time you committed these acts, you were suffering from such an abnormality of mind, that it seriously impaired your responsibility.

I therefore make an order for your detention... in a secure unit for the criminally insane.

Not to be free, until such time as the home secretary decides that your continued detention... is no longer necessary for the protection of the public.

I don't suppose there's any chance for a cup of tea, is there?


Thank you very much for coming. Very nice to see you again.

Goodbye Mrs. Martin. Marvelous sermon, Vicar.

Very kind, thank you.

Thank you, Reverend Goodfellow. You're very welcome, Mrs. Parker.

I just wanted to have a word with you about the flower arranging committee.

Oh, ah, yes of course. Perhaps... This afternoon.

Mrs. Goodfellow is not with you again?

Oh no, no. Sorry about that. She's been very busy. Mrs. Parker.

Next week perhaps? Perhaps, yes.

Although, she is incredibly busy at the moment.

Oh!

For fuck's sake. Jesus Christ!

What's a girl got to do to get a decent nights sleep around here?

Holly!

Don't forget about Tuesday. Oh sorry, it's Tuesday.

Oh, Petey.

Fuck off. Holly, it's time to wake up.

Holly...

Holly, I know you're in there, would you please come out, right away!

Mother! I don't think you want me to do that.

I think you'll find I bloody well do.

Is that you, Carl? No, this is Mark.

Nice to meet you, Mrs. Goodfellow.

Holly, this is totally unacceptable. I'm 17, it's been legal for a year.

Legal does not make it decent.

Is everything alright, Mrs. Goodfellow?

Yes, everything is fine, Mrs. Parker.

Is that Holly I heard? Holly? No.

Oh. Morning, Mrs. Parker.

Morning.

You know the thing that pains me the most? No. But you'll tell me anyway.

You're an intelligent girl. An intelligent girl who's got a libido.

An intelligent girl knows what to do with it. - I know it.

Oh, Holly.

We used to be such friends. Hello.

Now you cross with me all the time. Because you are a total and utter bitch.

Ah, look at you two. Morning, sweetheart. Morning.

It's sort of as we feared, the pond.

I've been chatting with the chaps at the Water Board. Looks like it's algae.

It could be one of two or three different types apparently.

Some of them poisonous. They're worried about the water-table.

Anyway, they say it will get worse if it's not dealt with.

A lot of things will get worse if they're not dealt with.

They'll come back to me with the details. The devil's in the details, Dad.

Could we not say that word on a Sunday.

Dad!

Alright. Where are you going now?

I've got work to do. You've just been to work.

I've got to write a speech for that convention, God's mysterious ways, and that's all I've got to show for it, a title.

See, you're an utter bitch to him. No, I'm not.

And I know why, you're not getting any. What?

The same reason you're angry with me and Mark.

Oh, in the van, in front of the house, on a Sunday.

That might have more to do with it. I don't think so.

Oh, you must be right then. Well, I usually am.

Can I get you any?

Petey, how long have you been there? Holly says you're not getting any.

Can I get you some? Oh Petey, that's very thoughtful, but no, you can't.

Let's face it. I'm no good at this. No, you just need a little tweaking, a little Lance adjustment, but that's another story.

Alright now, Gloria.

I told you that the key is in the swing. Well, I never had a good swing.

I disagree. I bet you could swing really well.

Now, you grip that shaft, gently but firmly.

Now, spread your legs. A little more. Oh.

Now you bend to the ball slowly.

Yeah. Now, bend your knees.

Yeah.

Feel good? Yes, feels fine.

Okay.

Now you just keep your eye on the ball. Okay.

You let me worry about the hole. Right.

That's quite good. Well, your ball is in the rough, but it's a good feeling, huh? Yeah.

One more?

Okay.

Mrs. Parker asked after you again this morning. - Surprise, surprise.

I think I'm beginning to run out excuses. Well, then don't make any.

You know what you can do, you can go down and kill that bloody dog, and I'll put in a month of Sundays.

Was that a brassier over Holly's shoulder this morning?

You're a half day behind the rest of us, you know that?

We call it a bra nowadays.

Why did she have it over her shoulder?

She was doing the laundry.


Mr. Brown?

Mr. Brown, it's Mrs. Goodfellow, about Clarence, it's about your dog.

You woke me. Yes, well, your dog woke me.

What did you say? I said your dog woke me.

Well, he's found his voice. Yes, he has, hasn't he?

I was wondering whether we could perhaps keep him inside just the night-time.

Got your sandwiches and sports bag? Yes. Yes!

Daddy is picking you up this afternoon. But Daddy forgets.

No! And tomorrow it's a new housekeeper, and she's paid not to forget.

I thought you were going to be brave and take the bus this year. - Next year.

No, you said that last year. Come on, you're going to have a good time.

See you around, Goodfellow.

My shoelace is undone.

Tell me about when you were a girl. Oh Petey, you know already.

Alright then.

When I was a girl, I lived in a big scary house.

With the black women. No, they wore black, they were nuns.

Mostly Irish, and mostly evil.

And you were there because you were awful. No, I was an orphan. Orphan, darling.

Come on, off you go have a good day. Remember to make Daddy remember.

Promise.

Oh, she's here already? The housekeeper.

No, no, just her trunk. It arrived while you were out.

It's a lovely old thing. Isn't it? Well, well, well.

Look at that. Grace.

Is it a sign, do you think? No, I think it's a trunk.

In the books I read when I was a boy there was always a trunk just like this, full of treasure. You will remember to pick up Pete?

I can't this afternoon. Alright. I'll write it down.

I've got to take Mrs. Applebee to the garden centre.

Now, where's the pen? The Pen?

Oh, look at this.

You've made it really nice up here. Grace should be very happy.

You know, Lilian and Brian have made love in every single room in their house.

Their house is smaller. Yes, but they went around twice.

I'm late for work already. So, what's half an hour?

You take this off, and you're just a man, Walter Goodfellow.

Don't forget Petey, now.

Oh, Lord, yes. I think I wrote it down.

Yep.

Hello!

Petey!

Petey?

Walter?

Hi, Darling. We're just talking about the Algae and... - Where's Petey?

Oh Lord. I'm sorry. Mrs. Hallyway rang me about her crisis of faith.

She was on the verge of losing it. I know the bloody feeling.

Let's get him. No, this is really unnecessary.

Should I push him? Do you want to be pushed? - No, please.

I'm going to count to three. Three. No!

See you in the morning.

Oh, deary, deary me. Look at you.

Give me a hand. Let me help you up. You look so uncomfortable.

No one has a clue where he is. I don't understand.

There he is!

Who the bloody hell is that?

Hey, what are you doing with my son?

Come here, come on. Quick. Oh.

You must be Gloria. Get in the car.

Look, I think, there might be a misunderstanding.

You bet your life there's a misunderstanding.

Grace Hawkins.

You're Grace Hawkins. Yes.

Mrs. Hawkins, welcome to Little Wallop. Thank you, Vicar.

I'm sorry about earlier, Mrs. Hawkins. Oh, no. Not at all.

Under the circumstances you did just the right thing.

I could have been anybody, and please call me Grace. - Reverend!

Ah, Mrs. Parker, may I introduce you to our new housekeeper, Grace Hawkins.

Mrs. Parker is chairman... chair of the St. Michael's Flower Arranging Committee.

Which I wanted to talk to you about. We will talk about it, we really will, but Grace has literally just arrived, and I was wondering... - The tricks...

We'd better go in. They'll be forever. ...are quite unbelievable.

In my whole experience in 43 years on this committee.

I'm well aware of this problem.

Oh, this is just...

He's a persistent little fellow, isn't he? It's not what I call him.

I've given it a good airing, but it's still a little bit musty.

Oh no, it's perfect.

It's just as I imagined it. A perfect home for a perfect family.

Well, let's hope they make us an offer. A sense of humor.

I like that. Good, because you're going to need one.

There you go again.

How are we going to get that upstairs? Oh, we'll find a way.

What do you think is in it? I don't know and I didn't ask.

Holly! I just want to know what's in it.

Memories, dear.

A life time of memories.

And a few clothes.

You must be Holly. My, you are tall.

You must get that from your father's side.

Oh, this is David. Hi.

Oh!

The women in this family certainly share a taste for good looking fellows.

Holly, are you taking the weight? This way.

A sharp left, darling. Watch it, watch it.

Sorry, sorry. Now this door's very narrow.

Slowly down. Watch your fingers. That's fine.

Well now, I don't think the occasion should go by without a few words.

Walter. Just a few words, Gloria.

Lord, thank you for this day.

And thank you for bringing us Grace, who joined our family today and who we hope will be very happy here.

And thank you also for Carl...

Mark... David.

David, who we've also only just met, actually, but who seems to be a very... ah... nice young man indeed. Amen.

Alright, who would like a cup of tea? Yeah, we'd better get going.

Thank you for that, Walter. Vicar, sir. Oh, you're very welcome, Grace.

I meant every word. Thank you.

God, you drive me crazy.

Oh God. No...

No, stop, stop!

Okay, I know where we could drive. That's five minutes away. - Not the shed.

You know it? Of course I know it!

I'm the Vicar's wife, Lance. I'd have to drive half a day... before I'm not recognized. So let's stay.

You want our first time to be in a car. Honey, I just want our first time.

I'm not doing it in a car.

Women in my age don't do it in cars. That's the sort of thing my daughter does.

She does? No, I hear you. There's a time and a place, Lance.

Like Mexico. Exactly, like Mexico.

Which is exactly where we are going to be. When?

Soon, I promise.

I just want a break. I just need a break.

Just a couple of weeks. We'll be there in a heartbeat, baby.

Naked and living of the fruits of love.

Warm sun. Tequila.

Hot salsa.

Would that be the music or the food. I think, a bit of both.

Ah!

Good night then. A little good night kiss.

Are you crazy? They're all watching. That's Mrs. Parker! - Who?

Oh, come on. She probably... She probably can't even see.

Just pretend you're a taxi and go. Go on.

I'll call you. What the hell am I doing?

I hope you know because I have no clue.

Wow! Oh my Lord.

So you must be Holly.

See you next time sweetie.

Jesus Christ.

Can't we have some good old fashioned rock to smite that little fucker dead.

Then I might start listening to you again.

I'm sorry, did I startle you? No, no. Is everything okay?

Oh yes. I just wanted to thank you. Thank you very much.

No, not at all. It's me who should be thanking you, really.

Well, good night, dear. Good night.

You know, my father was a minister. Really?

That's a coincidence. So, I know their little ways.

Well I think you'll find Walter is quite set in his.

You just leave him to me, dear. Why couldn't I just do that.

Should I close the door? That would be lovely.

Good night, dear. Good night.

Alright.

Oh!


Clarence!

Clarence?

Where's that bloody dog?

Wakey, wakey.

I thought you deserved a lie-in.

Breakfast is ready when you are.

Oh, I slept straight through. Makes a change.

Fantastic.

Grace, this is absolutely fantastic. Thank you, Vicar. Here's a toast, dear.

Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, did you know that, Holly?

I vaguely remember Mom failing to drum that into me.

Good morning.

As it's such a big day for you, Vicar, I've given you extra.

It's only a bit of fun, Grace. Oh, can't I talk you out of it.

No.

It's going to be the most embarrassing day of my life, again.

It's all in a good cause. That doesn't make it less embarrassing.

I think it could be fun. She's new, she'll learn.

Chin up, chin up. I just need to warm up a bit, I think.

Bad luck Vicar. Oh dear.

No, I just can't watch. Oh, Holly.

Why hang around just to see him humiliate himself in front of the whole village?

As if I don't get enough of that every Sunday.

He's a handsome fellow, isn't he? What?

Your husband.

Come on!

Cuts quite an athletic figure.

I'll be back in a minute.

Let's cheer for your father, shall we, perhaps that'll help. - Come on, Dad.

Come on, Vicar. Hi.

Perhaps next time. I'm sorry.

I was waving. Oh dear.

Sorry, sorry. I'm sorry about that. Come on, Vicar.

Pray for guidance, Vicar.

That was only just in.

Sorry.

Sorry.

You alright, Vicar? Oh, I'm fine.

I'm just winded. I think I'm fine. No, no.

I promise you. I'm sure I can carry on. Take a breather.

Come on. You okay, Dad?

Yes, I'm fine. - Hard luck, Vic. Oh, thank you, Grace. I did my best.

Would you like a nice hot cup of tea? That sounds wonderful, Grace.

Come on, let's get your father some tea. Thank you.

To me, to me!

That was bad luck out there, Reverend. Thank you.

Well, I guess these things happen? Yes, they certainly do. They just did.

I went for the ball, Ref.

Well, I got to hand it to you, Walter, you sure took it like a man, I'll say that for you.

I'm sorry, I... Have we... Oh, sorry, Lance.

I see your wife.

I'm her golf pro. Oh yes.

She takes her golf very seriously.

Yeah, always comes on time, too.

Oh yes, she's very good like that. Very good.

Well...

Nice to meet you, Walter. Nice to meet you, Lance.

Are you trying to make this as awkward as possible?

We were just two guys shooting the breeze.

Nothing to worry about. Besides, you can't blame a man... for wanting to check out his competition. Yeah, but that's my husband.

So, guess what.

I talked to my travel guide last night. Really? And what did he say?

When are we leaving? It's all good.

Here you go, Petey.

I'll drive so I can show you the way, then you can drive. - I can't.

No, it's alright you're on my insurance. No, I can't drive.

Well, it's never to late to learn. Good morning.

Hi, you haven't seen Clarence, have you? No, I'm afraid not.

It's not like him, it's not like him at all.

Oh, dear. Never mind, the best night's sleep I've had in a long time.

Every cloud has a silver lining.

Clarence!

You little bugger, where are you? Clarence!

Get out of the way! Move!

I've got to order a new track suit. Would you like me to come in with you?

Is that a good idea? Yeah.


So in Mexico they have these endless miles... of perfect glistening white sand beaches.

And what we're going to do, for the rest of our lives, is to find our own little stretch, our own little private place, just you and me.

And then what I going to do, is, I am going to cover your body with coconut cream every day, and I am going to start at your toes, and I going to lick my way up slowly all the way to your little...

Well, that sounds lovely. When do we go?

Fuck!

How was he? - Oh, petrified. Oh, poor Petey.

Hello?

Hello, Lilian. I can't really talk right now, can I call you back, later?

I found the perfect spot. Bye.

Yes, that was Lilian, an old friend of mine.

Clarence!

Clarence!

Clarence, where are you?

And then once we broke into the boy's college in the middle of the night, me and some friends and did a striptease for the lads.

It wasn't any old college either, it was religion and philosophy.

Is that where you met Walter? That's where I met Walter.

He was post-grad and I was a first year, and he was...

He was just different from the others.

Still is. Not many like him around.

Put your finger on here, will you? But why is it, when they eventually do find God, that they lose their sense of humor?

Oh.

Hello?

Lilian, again.

Where are you?

That was Lilian and I'm going for a nip into town and meet her for lunch.

Lilian?

I'd so like to meet her. Yes, of course! Uhm...

I'll sort something out.

Bye-bye. Bye.

Gods ways are mysterious, that's why we say:

God's mysterious ways.

I mean, look at Job and all that befell him. He asks the Lord:

"Why are you doing all of this to me?"

And God could have explained, but instead he just said: "Trust me, Job."

Now that's mysterious.

God?

Yes, Walter?

How do you think it's sounding?

Well, the title stinks, for a start.

Hi, I'm sorry. I can't agree with God about that.

Goodness, Grace. Hope you don't mind.

No, no, no, I was just practicing for the convention.

It's very thought provoking.

Dry and boring, I think, you mean.

But that's me all over. Nonsense.

I'm not the most vibrant of individuals.

A bit serious, perhaps.

You've hit the nail on the head there. Reverend Goodfellow!

Reverend Goodfellow! I just wanted to speak to you about...

Mrs. Hawkins. Mrs. Parker.

Is it possible to have a word with you, privately?

It's about the flower arranging committee.

It has taken a turn for the worse. I have never in all my life, I have never, never... Mrs. Parker, the Reverend is practicing his sermon.

Ah, yes, I have a convention coming up.

I see.

Very well.

Goodbye, Mrs. Parker.

Oh, dear. I hope that didn't... Of course not.

For goodness sake, you are a busy man, Vicar, people should realize that.

Right.

Yes.

Now.

About your sermon.

Yes?

Do you like jokes?

Jokes?


So you see, God is very tired and he say to St. Peter:

"Look, Peter... Petey," he says, "I'm absolutely exhausted. I need a holiday, I really do.

Is there anywhere you can suggest?" So, St. Peter thinks for a bit, and then he says: "Well I know," he says, "what about the moon?"

And God said: "No, I don't think so. Not the moon, there's no atmosphere."

Yeah, that's funny. I'm not finished, yet. So then God says:

"I really want something different." So, St. Peter says: "Well, what about Earth?"

And God says: "No, I went there 2000 years ago.

I met this nice little Jewish girl, and they're still talking about it."

I did good, huh?

You look beautiful.

After you.

Fabulous, right? Oh yes!

The tickets are on their way.

Baby! Oh, baby!

Oh, this is it! Oh God.

I need... Wait!

What? Let me take my clothes off.

Okay.

Oh, man. Oh, God almighty!

Slow, slow, slow.

Oh, yeah! Oh, God almighty. You make me crazy.

Oh God, what's that? What?

That.

This is my love thing. I know what it is.

I thought you Brits like this kind of thing. - No.

You do not think this is hot?

No.

You didn't turn your phone off.

Hello?

What?

Who the hell's this? Oh.

A girl. I don't know any girls.

I got it, I'll just take it off. No, keep it on.

In fact you could put everything back on. I think we had quite enough for today.

Good Lord.

"Giggle with God".

Oh no.


Is everything alright, Vicar?

It's just so quiet, Grace.

Lovely, isn't it?

Have a good afternoon. And you.

Very good.


Is your dad going to make you pray tonight?

Shut up. Does he make you pray to baby Jesus?

Just leave me alone. Run to granny, you prat.

Are you alright? Yeah.

You know, I was wondering, if you had a magic word, what word would it be?

I mean, what's your favorite word? My favorite word?

Broccoli Broccoli?

Well, I don't know. Why not?

It's alright, Petey, it's alright.

You just close your eyes. Keep them closed.

Now say the magic word.

Broccoli.

Now open them.

See what happens.

Look, there's God boy. It's alright.

You're dead, God boy, you're dead!

My breaks aren't working! I can't stop!

Who's that? He's Billy Martin.

Wow! Good old Broccoli. Shall we have some for supper?

Hi, Mom.

You know, flour can be so sensual.

In Heaven it took me 3 months to find a priest up here for the wedding.

How long do you think it would take me to find a lawyer? - Yeah, I like that.

Oh, Gloria, you're back. This is Mark... ah...

David... ah... Grant.

Oh, now this is a good one. Holly! Come and listen to this.

Sit down. So...

This Vicar is stopped for speeding, and the policeman smells alcohol... and sees an empty bottle of wine on the passenger's side floor.

And he says: "Have you been drinking, Reverend?". And the vicar says, all innocent, like... all innocent, like...

And the vicar says all innocent, like:

"Just water, Officer." And the policeman looks over to the bottle and says:

"Well, that looks like wine to me."

"Wine!" cries the Vicar, "Good Lord, he's done it again."

That's funny. Yes, that is quite funny, isn't it?

Mummy! Mummy!

Billy Martin came after me, but Grace was there and I said "Broccoli", and now he's dead. Billy Martin's dead! Oh my!

Aren't you a busy bee? Grace, this is Grant.

Ah... Is it Halloween?

Jokes, Grace. Have lots of them! Oh, well done, you.

Oh... isn't this nice? Billy Martin is dead!

Could we have a word? Billy Martin is dead?

Oh good Lord, no. No, he's not dead, he was just unconscious, if I may judge.

But, please, don't tell Petey, because he's so excited.

Grace, can you come and look at the pie? Of course, dear.

I fucked up big time. She shouldn't use that language.

Let me get this straight. My son's rid of his bullies.

My husband has become a comedian.

And my nymphomaniac daughter has discovered cookery.

What's going on?


Oh, I'm so sorry!

I'm so sorry. Did I wake you? No, not at all.

Did I disturb you and Walter? Chance, be a fine thing.

Good night. Good night. You know, men do sometimes lose their way, dear.

I mean, Walter is sweet soul, but he's a bit... slow-witted like the rest of them.

I'm sure he'll find his way back to you in the end.

So you were married, too? Yes, I was. A long time ago.

Did he lose his way? With a little help from another woman.

Oh. Completely lost his head over her.

Do you have a couple of minutes?

You sit down. I've got something to show you.

Oh, here it is.

Look, that's me when I was six.

So sweet. I was a live one.

Was?

Here he is. That's him.

What was his name?

Arthur.

He's very dapper.

I was a fool for a handsome fellow. I was young. I was very young.

Too young.

And then he dabbled.

And that was that.

Walter only dabbles with God nowadays.

In that case he'll come back to you.

God would never stand in the way of such a beautiful young woman.


Will you find your way back to me?

Could you?


Clarence, is that you?

Clarence?


Oh my God! Clarence!

God!


Do you think he found that bloody dog yet? Oh, Mr. Brown is on holiday.

Is he? Where has he gone?

I think, he said Down Under. Oh.

Hey.

So...

I have been up every night thinking.

If we only get one chance for happiness in our entire lives, Gloria, that nobody should ever die without having found it.

I'm not alone. Huh?

I'm not alone.

Oh.

So, I talked to my guy, and Mexico is on.

I got a date tomorrow. What?

I told you, when I move fast...

Oh, that's too fast, change it. I can't, the ticket's are booked.

Change the tickets. Honey, they're booked.

You can't change them?

Gloria, this is everything we've been dreaming of.

And the hotel? - Hotel's perfect. On the beach, like you said?

Yes! I mean, walking distance, seconds. The best hotels are on the beach, Lance.

Gloria, this is so much better than a hotel.

For fuck's sake, it's a time share. Here we are.

Oh, Grace! Grace, this is Lance, my golf instructor.

Lance, that is Grace, our housekeeper. It is very nice to meet you, Grace.

Gloria has told me all about you. You're American.

Yes. That obvious, huh?

Well, please don't let me interrupt you. Oh, sorry.

We just talked about our next session, our next practice session of golf. Weren't we, Lance?

Right, practice session. We can talk about it later, can't we?

Well, actually... I kind of need to know now.

It can't wait? It's all confirmed.

Well, I have concerns. What... kind of concerns?

I just want to make sure we have the right equipment... the right kit.

I'm not sure we have the right wood.

Hey, you are talking to me.

You do not have to worry yourself about wood.

Yes or no, Gloria?

Alright.

Okay. Good.

It was nice to meet you, Lance.

It's a pleasure to meet you, too, Grace.

About 5 o'clock? The place?

The usual place? Okay.

Okay, well, you ladies, have a lovely lunch.

He's got a marvelous swing.

Has he?

I visit 2000 years ago, I met this nice Jewish girl, and they're still talking about it. Ha, ha, ha...

But joking aside, it's true:

2000 years later, and we are still talking about it, and that's because it's something worth talking about.

Oh, Grace.

With these jokes, things come alive.

They really do. Excellent.

You're doing very well, Vicar. Thank you.

Now, have you thought about sex?

Ah...

Sex? Yes.

For the convention or... The bible is full of sex.

Haven't you noticed? The bible?

The song of Solomon, for example.

Ah, no, that is the passionate declaration of love... from a devoted man to God. No!

It's about sex.

Right.

Here, read it again, Reverend.

I'll make you a cup of tea.

"Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth:

For thy love is better than wine.

His fruit was sweet to my taste.

His left hand is under my head, and his right hand doth embrace me.

Behold, thou art fair, my love.

Behold, thou art fair.

Thy lips are like a thread of scarlet.

Thine eyes are as doves behind the veil.

And comely is thy mouth.

Thy two breasts are like forns feeding among the lilies.

Thy navel is like a round goblet... wherein no mingled wine is wanting.

Thy belly is like a heap of wheat, set about with lilies.

Let thy breasts be as clusters on the vine.

And thy mouth like the best wine.

Open to me my dove, for my head is filled with the drops of the night.

Come, my beloved, let us see if the wine flourishes... and the tender grapes appear... and the pomegranates bud forth."


Wow... showtime!


Oh. Come on.

Come on to Uncle Lance.

No, no, don't. Come back.

Oh yeah!

Oh, my Lord. They're just like little rose petals.


Oh.

Oh!

Oh, bingo!

Oh God, Lance, you're a lucky man. Good evening.

Good evening. Can I help you?

Grace, right? Yes.

I lost my... Have you seen my wallet? I seem to have dropped it here.

Got my pen, got my speech, and I'm really rather nervous. You'll be fine, and I'll think of you.

Good. Jesus Christ, you two, put it away.

Bye-bye. Bye, Dad.

Cheerio, Petey. Goodbye, sweetheart. Bye, Dad.

Grace.

Forgotten something, darling?

Have you seen Mr. Brown lately? No, he's in Australia.

I hope the convention goes well. Yes, thank you, Grace.

Goodbye, all.

Reverend Goodfellow!

Reverend Goodfellow! Mrs. Parker.

About the flower arranging committee... which I will be more than happy to talk to you about in a few days, when I'm back.

Oh.

I see.

Oh.

I noticed that your housekeeper... was having a great deal of trouble with her car last night.

Her car?

That's not Grace's car, Mrs. Parker. It's not?

I've seen it there often enough.

At first I thought it was a taxi.

Well, goodbyes are never easy, but it's not forever, dear.

Hello, it's me. It's after five, and I'm here and you're not.

So, well, it's funny actually, because I only came here... to tell you that I'm not coming, but I guess you beat me to it.

Perhaps you're already there with one of those girls you don't know.

Have a nice life, Lance.

Before the break we were talking about murderers on parole...

Oh, there you are.

Dinner's at eight? He didn't show up then?

What? Your American.

Your golf instructor, your practice session.

No, no, he didn't. He's sick.

Oh.

Yeah, he... he called it off.

Yeah.

A woman they called the Trunk Murderer.

Rosemary Jones, Bill. - Don't get me started on Rosemary Jones.

It really Is a sorry day and a sad society when someone like her Is released.

I think we have some pictures, do we? Yes: The Trunk Murderer, so called, because they found her husband and his mistress chopped up In her trunk luggage.

A month ago she was released from prison. Mom!

Yeah?

I think you'd better see this.

Mom!

A classical pathological psychosis. - But the parole board said, she demonstrated the capacity to change. - No, no, the point Is, that she Is out loose and among us now. - You mean, she's wandering the streets... and up to her old tricks again? - I wouldn't put It past her, Theresa.

Oh my God.

God's Mysterious Ways. I think, it's a good title, Reverend Goodfellow.

I really do. I like it. Really? Thank you.

And they'll like it, too. I'm sure.

I'm taking a look. No, I don't think, it's the appropriate way. Holly! Have you ever seen inside it?

No. Exactly.

Hang on!

Gloria, are you here? Holly?

Are you up there?

Shit!

Shit!

Hello?

Are you in here?

Alright, my word!

Please be there, Lance. Who's Lance?


Here we are. How does this work again?

Missed call, press green.

Hello?

This is Grace speaking. Would you like to come out from under the bed?

Coming.

Great to see so many new faces here today. I know some of you came a very long way, thank you. And some old friends, Morgan. Great result for the rugby at the weekend.

Now, down to the more serious business of the day, our opening address.

I'd like to introduce the Reverend Walter Goodfellow... from the Parish of Little Wallop!


Good evening.

Good evening, Gentlemen...

Uhm... Ladies and Gentlemen.

Uhm...

It's an honor... to... to deliver... the opening address of the convention, uhm, and my subject... is "Cod's Mysterious Ways"...uhm...

"God's... God's Mysterious Ways", I'm sorry, I'm sure that Cod have mysterious ways.

But it's the mysterious ways of God that I wanted to talk about this evening.

Cod will just have to wait for their own convention.

So! God's Mysterious Ways.

I'm so glad we can have this little chat.

What have you done with Lance, Rosemary? You know, I prefer Rosie.

It takes me back to my childhood.

What have you done with Lance, Rosie?

Who the hell's Lance? Yes, well, that's the question. You see, Lance...

Lance liked to make films.

Can you work this, dear?

Showtime.

Come on to Uncle Lance.

Who the hell is this guy? I'll kill him! That won't be necessary, dear.

Oh my Lord. They're just like little rose petals.

What?

Not the type you would have been happy with in the end, dear.

Don't change the subject. You have a dead man in your trunk!

No, no, he's not in my trunk, dear. He's in his car.

And that wasn't just any man, was it, Gloria?

That was your lover.

That was your lover? Now, you've got to understand, Holly, your mother's been very unhappy, and lonely. Well, you know, your father, well, he's a busy man, and along comes this handsome American... with his accent and his swing, not the type I would approve of at all.

You can't go around killing people just because you don't approve of them.

Oh, that's what my doctors used to say. On this point we could never agree.

Anyway, I could see, your affair was ruining the whole family!

You can't expect me to sit back and do nothing about that, can you?

It has absolutely nothing to do with you! It has everything to do with me.

It's the least a mother can do for her dough... her daughter.

That's something else we need to have a chat about.

They'd send me photos, now and again, the nuns.

This is one of your mother when she was your age.

Wow, Mom, you looked gorgeous.

Aren't we forgetting the small matter of dead bodies?

How did you know about the other bodies?

What other bodies? Oh, you didn't know about the others.

What other bodies?

Just Mr. Brown's dog.

And Mr. Brown.

You killed them, too.

I did it for you, dear.

My mother...

Oh, I've waited so long for you to call me that.

So, what do we do now?

And when I'm asked: "Why do Vicars always answer a question... by posing another question?", I always reply:

"Well, why shouldn't we?"

But what, in the end, all this comes down to, is how we deal in life with the problems that we have to face.

Sometimes it's a question of just taking action, of making decisions, of involving others, of finding your resolve, and seeing it through.

But at other times, it's about something much less tangible.

Sometimes all it takes is a little grace.

A little of God's grace,

and all our problems seem to fade away.

Now, should we demand an explanation from our Lord?

Question his methods?

Or should we merely enjoy the benefits?

Well, I don't think the good Lord wants us to question too much.

Isaiah, Chapter 55, verse 8:

"My ways are not your ways."

And I think, what he basically means by that is:

"I'm mysterious, folks.

Live with it."

Thank you very much. Thank you.

Oh, Jesus Christ, I can't do it. It's alright.

I didn't chop him up or anything grizzly like that. Where are you going?

I'm not doing it. But I can't drive.

I'm not getting in the car. But, I'm a learner.

Officially I need someone with me. I think, under the circumstances... the normal rules do not apply. Grace, wait.

Who is it? Mrs. Parker.

I suppose I have to use the pond again.

Again?

No, I don't want to know. I go inside, and you do whatever you have to do.

And I thought being an orphan was a bad thing.

Oh my God, he's really stiff.

Oh, Holly, do you have to? I never saw anything like this before.

Oh my God.

Oh my God.

Oh, my God, that's...

It's just not fair.

Other daughters get to plan weddings, and bake cakes, and go shopping with their mothers. And what do I do?

Dispose of dead bodies. I could say the same, you know.

Oh, shall put the kettle on?

Men were the downfall of the Jones women for as long as there were Jones women, and that's why you have to be careful about the types you bring home, dear.

Wild and dangerous might be appealing now, but believe me, you're on the same road.

You are. I should get me a boyfriend like Dad?

Oh my God, you would, wouldn't you? There's nothing wrong with your father.

I knew you were a bitch to him, but I always thought you loved him.

I do love him.

I do love him. Then what about the letch?

I'm assuming Dad doesn't know about him?

Because I don't think he should, I don't think he should know anything.

Right, Grace? Mom's the word, dear.


Oh, you're awake. I brought you some tea. Thank you.

Mrs. Parker, last night, do you think she might have seen something?

No, why?

She's on her way over.

That doesn't mean to say she saw anything. Who?

What are you talking about? Mrs. Parker, maybe she saw something.

She did not see anything last night. She saw you last night.

No. Possibly.

Oh my God! I'll see to her.

Oh no, you won't. You'll stay right here. You've seen to quite enough already.

Oh my God. Just keep calm.

Mrs. Goodfellow, did I wake you?

Actually, yes. I was hoping your husband would be home.

I need to speak to him. No, sorry, he's away.

He's on a three day convention. It's about the... the flower arranging committee.

Oh, uhm... you'll have to talk to him, not to me. Cynthia Martin... has been doing her level best to undermine my leadership.

I believe she's planning a coup.

A coup? Behind my back, yes!

If you don't mind, I just need to sit.

Behind my back and behind the Reverend's back as well.

It's a disgrace. I would even go as far as saying, it is amoral. And knowing what I know now, I don't see how I can keep quiet. Jesus Christ, I knew it. She knows!

And when the Reverend finds out, he will be mortified, I can assure you.

I'm going to tell him, Mrs. Goodfellow. Grace. Grace, no.

No matter how much damage is done, he must be told.

Well, I'm sure Walter will have a quiet word with Cynthia Martin, and it will be all sorted out. But it's not just Mrs. Martin.

They've all got their sordid little agendas.

In sixty years, Mrs. Goodfellow, I have never known anything like it.

And in my condition, too. It's really affecting my heart, you know?

I really do wish it didn't have to come to this, but it does.

Your husband must be told. That's quite enough, Mrs. Parker.

Out of the way, dear. What are you doing?

I will not have this family torn apart after all we've been through.

She knows! She was going to tell dad. About the flower arranging committee!

This has nothing to do with anything else...

Mrs. Parker? Oh, dear.

Mrs. Parker, can you hear me? Shit, is she...

Yes, I believe she is.

Oh, God. Oh, God.

She said herself, she had a dickey heart. I think you might have a dickey heart, if someone came at you with a frying pan. Well, it was a simple misunderstanding, it could happen to anybody. This cannot go on, mother! It is enough.

I understand you're upset, dear. I am! I've got two dead bodies.

One in the pond, one in the sitting room. You've got 3 dead bodies in the pond, you forgot... I do not want to know.

This has gone too far, and I mean it.

I understand.

I It's not as if anyone's going to miss her.

Mom? Dad is back.

Hello!

Hello!

There we are. Hello, sweetheart.

Hi, Dad. I'll tell you, I've just had the best...

Sorry, I was saying, I had the best convention.

Hello, everyone. Oh, Mrs. Parker. How are you this morning? - She's fine.

Darling, I thought it was three days. It was going to be three days, but...

It's so lovely to see you. - Bye, Dad. I want to hear all about it.

Well, I delivered my sermon.

And, how did it go? Very well, I even had them laughing.

But you know what was really amazing? It was what happened afterwards.

Because I was getting praise from everybody, from the counsel... and my peers. Normally that would be... But you know what I was thinking?

Why am I here?

Well, you've always been a deep thinker. When... what matters most to me... is back home.

Oh, darling.

So, they made love in every room in the house, did they, Lilian and Brian?

And they went around twice. Twice.

I think we have some catching up to do. No, I have to see to Mrs. Parker.

Oh, gosh, yes. Do you need me? No, it's the flower arranging committee.

I swear, it'll be the death of her.

Mrs. Parker's sudden passing came as a dreadful shock to us all,

but as we well know, God does move in mysterious ways.

Which reminds me of a keynote address, which I deliver recently, of which I think Mrs. Parker would have approved.

Excellent sermon, Reverend. Thank you.

Thank you, goodbye. It was. It was very good.

Reverend Goodfellow. Mrs. Martin.

I wonder if we might have a talk about the flower arranging committee this week.

No, but perhaps next week. I'll let you know.

Oh... very well.

Goodbye.


Who is it?

It's me. Oh, come in.

I think this is for the best, don't you?

"My dearest Gloria, it was a slice of heaven to finally meet you, my dear.

You have made a mad old woman a very happy mad old women.

I'll miss you and your beautiful family, but I'll be visiting, just you try and stop me.

Love to you all, Mother."

"Dear Mother, how many months has it been now? Two, three, four?

Yet still we talk about you all the time.

We're looking forward to your visit, and lots planned for the whole family.

So what's new and exciting here in Little Wallop, you may ask.

Holly's got a very nice new boyfriend, and she told me to tell you, that you'd be pleased with her choice. He's not like the others.

I actually believe he might be a calming influence on her.

And Petey's doing very well, turning into quite a confident young man."

Which reminds me of the time, an Englishman, an Irishman, a Scotsman, a Vicar, a Rabbi, and a Priest all walk into a pub, and the barman says:

"What is this, some kind of a joke?"

"Walter's a changed man, too. I'd even go so far to say, that our life here together is complete."

"I'm by his side in all the ways he needs, and he's by mine in all the ways I need."

Mrs. Parker felt that not enough was being done to this part of the railings... inside the church whilst too much is covered in the front porch.

"By the time you read this you'll have arrived at your new job. Good luck, I hope there are no hitches, but something tells me that you'll do fine."


Hi, darling. You remember Bob and Ted. I'm afraid it's as we feared.

The pond. Algae.

Blue-green algae. Which apparently is quite serious.

It's very serious. Very, very serious.

So, we're just discussing the options. As I explained to Reverend Goodfellow, your pond is in the water-table. So the algae doesn't only effect you, it effects the whole village. And the blue-green algae... is one of the worst you can get. So there's really just the one option.

Yes, as he says, really there's really... just the one option. Which is?

Drain it.

Drain it.

Shall I put the kettle on?

"So, between you and us, I'd say life if very good indeed.

No dramas, no crisis, it just ambles along in its quite merry way.

A couple of hiccup here and there, of course, like the pond.

Which now they tell us needs draining. Which is a bit of a farce, as you could imagine, but I'm sure we'll sort something out."