Keeping the Faith (2000) Script


(MELLOW SONG PLAYING)

The evening fell just like a star Left a trail behind You spit as you slammed out the door

If this is love we're crazy We fight like cats and dogs But I just know there's got to be more

Please call me, baby Wherever you are It's too cold to be out walking in the streets

We do crazy things when we're wounded Everyone's a bit insane

I don't want you catching your death of cold Out walking in the rain

I admit that I ain't no angel I admit that I ain't no saint I'm selfish and I'm cruel But you're blind

If I exorcise my devils Well, my angels may leave too When they leave they're so hard to find

Please call me, baby Wherever you are It's too cold to be out walking in the streets

We do crazy things when we're wounded Everyone's a bit insane

I don't want you catching your death of cold Out walking in the rain

(MUSIC PLAYING QUIETLY) Answer me honestly.

If I was to tell you that I love you and that I'd throw it all away to be with you, what would you say?

Goodnight, Paulie.

Yup. Yup, that's about par for the evening.

But what I wanna see Is the way things used to be Between you and me The way things used to be...

(SOBBING)

Let me guess.

Your old lady got fed up 'cause you're chasing skirt, so she took these little ones and left you.

It's a little more complicated than that.

It always is. Everybody thinks their story has a twist.

But in my experience...

Holy shit. Exactly.

This I've got to hear.

It's a long story, and I know you're very busy...

I don't really feel like... Wait, wait. No, no, please.

Okay, now tell me, Father, how long has it been since your last drink?

It's been about a minute and a half since my last drink.

Now, what about these kids?

Okay. Well, you see the one on the right?

The cute one? That's me.

Very cute. Brian Finn.

Paulie Chopra.

This kid on the left was my best friend, Jake.

He's a priest, too? Jake? No. In fact, he's a rabbi.

C'mon. A priest and a rabbi? I've heard this one.

I've heard all of those. Trust me, you have not heard this one.

Okay? So there's this priest and this rabbi, and they're best friends.

But before they were a priest and a rabbi, they both knew this girl.

PAULIE: The girl.

Who's the girl? That's Anna Reilly.

Reilly? Let me guess, she became a nun?

Not quite. Not quite...

We all met in 6th grade at PS 84, right here in Manhattan.

I think I already knew Jake, then we both met Anna.

Actually, I remember exactly how we met, 'cause...

Well, it was a defining moment.

After that, we were pretty much inseparable.

Jake and I were what you'd call "late bloomers," and a 7th grade girl's attentions can be fickle, but not Anna.

Her loyalty to us was constant.

Anna was the friend every 13-year-old boy dreams of.

That magical cross between Jonny Quest and Tatum O'Neal in Foxes.

We were some trio. Anna called us "Two Micks and a Yid."

She was gonna make T-shirts.

There's 8 million people in New York, but when we were together, it felt like we lived on our own island.

But New York is an island.

I'm trying to sprinkle a little fairy dust here, to tell a story!

I'm terribly sorry. Continue. Go on, sprinkle away.

Well, then disaster struck.

The summer after 8th grade, Anna's father got a job in California, and just like that, she was gone.

As for me and Jake, our friendship just got stronger.

We were like most kids in New York, but there was one unusual component:

We were fascinated with each other's religions.

He showed me the secret rituals of Judaism, and I revealed the Catholic mysteries.

Just remember: Spectacles, testicles, watch, wallet.

What makes two kids want to be a priest and a rabbi nowadays?

People don't talk much about a calling anymore, but I knew it was what I was supposed to do.

Even then, people felt good bringing their problems to me.

My parents had given up on children before me, so my mother called me her "gift from God."

That stuck with me, so at eight I told her I felt I had to return the favor.

She was so happy, she cried.

My dad just wanted to know if working for God came with dental.

Jake's sense of a calling didn't gel as early as mine.

Religion was more of a hobby for him.

Got it, got it, need it, need it, got it, got it, need it, got it.

(CHEERING AND SHOUTING)

Jake was one of those special kids. Smart, popular.

Everything came easy to him. He had an aura.

You took one look at him, and you knew he could do anything in life.

Jake's family had been in investment banking for three generations.

His father and brother Ethan wanted him to join the family firm.

I think he considered it, but he wanted to do something different with his life.

He made his decision to become a rabbi with confidence and resolve.

I don't wanna listen to you!

We went off to seminary the way other guys go off to the Peace Corps.

It was an adventure.

Newly ordained, we were both assigned back to New York City, where we quickly confronted the practical aspects of our jobs.

(INDISTINCT)

(COUGHS)

Ow! Oh! (CLUNK)

(SNIPS) (BABY SCREAMS)

(SCREAMS) Jesus!

Despite these setbacks, we found our groove.

Take it nice and easy. Win them over slowly, okay?

Shabbat shalom, everyone!

I want you to do me a favor.

I want everybody in the back to come and fill up the front rows.

Guys, come on! Let's try again. Shabbat shalom!

Shabbat shalom! Thank you, Mom.

Ma'am, you in the back, come on! God hates a solo artist, I promise you.

We're the Fugees, no Lauryn Hills.

My mom was the only person here at the level of shabbat shalom-iness that I think we can hit.

Sir, you're leaving. It's customary to sneak out after the communion.

Give me something I can work with! Shabbat shalom!

ALL: Shabbat shalom! All right! Now we can daven!

BRIAN: I don 't want to brag, but word got out there was a new act in town, and soon we played to the packed houses I knew were our destiny.

(LAUGHTER)

I know. I know!

Seriously, what is the story of Sodom and Gomorrah really about?

Anyone? Steve Posner. Sexual perversion.

Sexual perversion. Steve Posner's watching too much Spice Channel.

The Seven Deadly Sins. Who can name the Seven Deadly Sins?

People! It was a film with Brad Pitt. You have the ultimate Cliff Note!

And Lot takes them in and he protects them. What happens next?

Anybody? Greta Mussbaum, before she pulls her rotator cuff.

God spares Lot and his family. Bingo! Two-week cruise for Greta!

You're going to the Bahamas!

When you think about it, God is a lot like Blanche Du Bois.

He's always relied on the kindness of strangers.

(INAUDIBLE)

That's what the story's about, us taking care of each other.

God relies on us to take care of each other.

The truth is, I don't really learn about your faith by asking such questions.

Those aren't questions about faith, they're about religion.

It's important to understand the difference between them, because faith is not about having the right answers.

Faith is a feeling, faith is a hunch.

It's a hunch that there is something bigger, connecting it all.

Connecting us all together.

And that feeling, that hunch, is God.

Coming here on Sunday evening to connect with that feeling, that is an act of faith.

So all I have to do is look around the room, at this packed church, to know that we're doing pretty well as a community.

Even if all of you failed my pop quiz miserably.

Let us pray.

Jake and I wanted to kick the dust off our faiths.

Bring them up to speed, no more old routines.

Jake said, "We'll give them an Old World God with a New Age spin."

(CHANTING)

Feel the prana!

We decided to turn an abandoned disco into a joint Catholic-Jewish senior center/karaoke lounge.

A Fiddler on the Roof meets Lord of the Dance meets Buena Vista Social Club.

Not an easy idea to sell, but we wanted to push the envelope.

We would bring our religions into the 21 st century.

We were gonna shove them a little, if we had to.

Jake said we'd be like young cops shaking up the force.

You know. The God Squad.

(UP-TEMPO SONG PLAYING)

Well, it's just like the ocean under the moon Well, that's the same as the emotion that I get from you You got the kind of loving that can be so smooth, yeah Give me your heart, make it real Or else forget about it

I'll ring it.

Nice.

Oh!

Ben Lewis comes into my office this morning, tells me he's retiring.

Rabbi Lewis? Yeah.

The end of an era. I know!

That's exciting. How long until they give it over to you officially?

There are a few backward thinkers on that board who don't get what I do.

Plus, there's the fact that I'm single.

Single? Don't think that's not an issue.

Wait a minute. Are you serious?

If you don't find a nice Jewish girl soon, you won't get the job?

I'm telling you, B'Nai Ezra hasn't had a bachelor head rabbi since the beginning of the synagogue.

Wow. I mean, you better start getting out there more.

It's embarrassing.

Forget that. You want to meet somebody, right?

I just want to meet somebody in a spontaneous and casual manner.

And it's impossible with me. Why?

Because I'm a rabbi! Yes, yes. What's your point?

I don't know if a woman goes out with me for me, or because I'm Rabbi Jake, you know?

There's an expectation, I can't go with my impulses...

Jews want rabbis to be the kind of Jews they don't have the time to be.

And Catholics want priests to have the discipline they don't have.

We knew this. You're right.

Oh, no, man, check this out. God Squad in the house!

Hi, Shabazz. You gonna give it up, Rabbi?

Say your prayers, because I am in no mood today.

Watch your ass, Shabazz!

(FAST-PACED MUSIC PLAYING)

Turn me loose Let's turn it up

Power to the people y'all Turn me loose Hey!

Oh!

Bye. See you guys. Tell your mother I said hi.

I've gotta quit playing the guys from Jewish seminary, it lowers the bar.

Can I just say oy? Amen to your oy.

What happened to our youth? It ended at 30.

Speaking of our youth, I forgot to tell you.

This is big. Guess who called me? Who?

Who is the coolest woman you and I have ever known, ever?

That's easy. Anna Reilly, 8th grade. You got it.

What? She called you? Yeah!

Anna Reilly called you? Totally out of the blue.

Why?

She's coming to New York for work, and she wants to get together.

Really? What is she doing now?

She's analyzing synergies or synergizing analogies.

I couldn't follow it, she's a very high-powered business...

Woman? Yes, thank you.

Wow. You told her about us? Yeah, she flipped.

She laughed for ten minutes, but she was excited.

Man, that is so cool! I know.

I wonder why she called you? What do you mean?

No, I mean, she called you.

Are you in the 8th grade still? It's a legitimate question.

I mean, we're both listed. Finn before Schram, okay?

You're ridiculous. That's a good point. Alphabetical.

Let's toss this, we look like idiots. Shut up, we do not!

You shut up.

Think she's changed?

No, I bet she still weighs 88 pounds and listens to Leif Garrett.

For the record, it's Leif, long A. Didn't you see Behind the Music?

BRIAN: Admit it, you're excited.

The three of us together again. I can't believe it!

Is that her? No.

(AIRCRAFT ENGINE ROARING)

Wow.

Hail Mary... full of something. Mary, full of...

Hello, boys!

I don't understand. I'm like a plumber, I fix leaky firms.

Whoa. Jake Schram. How are you?

Who are you? Tell me everything. Give me the 411.

Job, girls, news... Come on, I know him.

You start, catch us up. All right. Job is good. Really good.

News: My parents are happy and retired, and I take yoga.

Men? That's my life.

Come on, don't cheat us. I don't have time for relationships.

I work like 100 hours a week, you guys have no idea.

Excuse me, we work pretty hard for... Yeah, working for the...

That's a full-time thing. No, I work harder than God.

If he'd hired me, he'd have made the world by Thursday.

So you're saying we won't see you? No, for you guys, I will make time.

Wow. I feel special. That's my bag.

I got it. I got it.

I got it! I got it. Give it to me.

Okay, thanks. You okay? Yep, no, go.

ANNA: Remember the names of the kids from school?

BRIAN: Remember Aram Salaam? JAKE: His father was a diplomat.

He said he had diplomatic immunity.

Elan Portnoy? BRIAN: He always complained.

JAKE: He was always smoking pot. (ALL LAUGH)

ANNA: Remember our shoplifting club? You had to steal to be a member.

You stuck that basketball under your shirt and said you were pregnant.

I pulled it off. You were 12.

It was New York in the '80s, you could get away with anything.

We should get home. Yeah, it's late.

I'm still on West Coast time. It's 8:00 for me. Let's do something.

So, this is a rectory. Sounds like a dirty word. Rectory.

Great place to meet chicks. Totally.

I'll bet. So, what's your chick situation?

Oh, um...

Don't ask, it's not a good story. Why?

His congregation wants to set him up, it makes him uncomfortable.

Why? Pandas don't mate in captivity.

What does that mean?

All these mothers make dates for me that I can't refuse.

They're intimidating. They're like the Kosher Nostra.

Oh!

It's true. They're little women, but very determined.

You're being melodramatic.

Oh, yeah? Check this out. I was faxed one of their daughter's résumés.

Let me see that. Ali Decker. Look at the bottom.

Oh, she has a skills section. Yes?

You win. She put jogging as a skill.

She can't even differentiate between a hobby and a skill.

Maybe she's a skilled jogger. I have to date this girl!

Why don't I say no? Why don't you?

I can't alienate them, I need body count at the temple.

Just relax. It'll be fine.

Oh, God, please let this be painless.

Hi! Hi!

Right on time. I like that in a rabbi.

Hey, this is a great place. My lair.

Really nice. Be ready in a second.

A lot of space. I know. "Thanks, Daddy," right?

You go, girl!

No pain, no gain!

Oh, Tuesdays with Morrie. I love that book.

I'm ready.

You do these tapes? Are you kidding me?

No. Are you kidding me?

No. Exercise is like a religion to me.

No pun intended. Feel my abs!

Not bad, right? Ouch!

Punch me. Excuse me?

You heard me. I'm not gonna punch you.

You'll find, Rabbi, that this princess is no pushover.

I can tell. Call me Jake, all right?

Okay, let's get a few things straight here, Jake.

One, I like you a lot, and unless I'm wrong, I think you like me.

Well, we just met... Two, I am many things.

No one thing defines me. Are we clear about that, Jake?

Yes. Then let me have it!

I'm not gonna punch you. Punch me. Hit me!

I can take it, I'm not scared. I know you're not.

Are you a wuss? I'm not a wuss.

Little wuss, little wuss... All right!

Are you okay? I'm fine.

Just get my bag. Okay. You said you could take it...

That headband's wonderful. I'm glad you noticed.

What is that? It was beaded by the mentally retarded.

It looks really good. They're heavily supervised.

But it really seems to... It goes together well.

No, that's all... Get away from the table!

No, no! Whoa, that's okay. Here, don't! Here, thank you.

You're flushing it down the toilet! He'll spend it on booze.

I had a great time. Thank you, it was wonderful.

Goodnight. Don't you want to come up?

I shouldn't... Believe me, you should.

No, I can't. You're a congregant, and you know...

I'm telling you, you can. I want you to.

I... I would love to, I just... I got a... I have a friend at home.

A friend? A male friend. A guy.

A dog. A male dog. A beautiful puppy named Pinkus.

Pinkus can wait. No, he's a Rottweiler.

Just come up for a minute.

Whoa, no, don't! No, listen to me, this dog is a co-dependent puppy, he needs my help or he goes to the bathroom over everything.

Well, send me the cleaning bill. Go. No, don't go, stay.

You are making me crazy, Rabbi! You're making me so...

Just come up for a minute! No. No.

I can't! Just come on!

Are you okay? Good! Oh, wow!

Go, go! Thanks, I had a wonderful time! See you in shul!


Are you playing games with me, Phil? Are you sure?

Because you know better than that, right?

Okay. If those results are correct, then I say we have a deal.

I'll expect it in writing by the end of the day.

Yes, by the end of the day, Phil. Did I stutter?

Phil, I don't have time for this, okay?

(GASPS) Gotta go, Phil. Gotta go.

No way.

Oh, yeah, baby.

(CLEARS THROAT AND READS IN HEBREW)

(VOICE KEEPS CRACKING)

Okay, it's okay. Take a break.

I suck. They'll take away my yarmulke.

You don't suck. I suck.

Okay, yes, you do suck. But that's okay, you're supposed to suck.

This isn't a talent contest, it's a rite of passage.

This happens in all cultures, it's about you being 13.

God knows your voice changes, that's why you do your haftorah now.

It's a challenge.

God is challenging you. He's calling you a chump!

You gotta come back at him! Say, "Hey, hashem, "you think you can scare me 'cause my balls haven't dropped yet?"

I'm serious! You gotta show him what Alan Klein's made of!

How? By sucking with style! Embrace it!

Say, "I love that I suck." I love that I suck.

Good! But own it. Say it, "I love that I suck!"

I love that I suck! (PHONE RINGING)

Good. You play.

I love that I suck. Keep going with that.

I'll see you next week. Hello?

Hello? You suck! Hey, Anna?

I thought I got the Tony Robbins hotline.

Sorry, just finishing up. How are you? How was the big date?

That's funny. I had an impulse to call you, but I thought it was too late.

You should have, I was stuck here.

Really? So, how'd it go?

Mostly horrible, with a few brief moments of excruciating agony.

But at least it was long. I'm so sorry. What a waste.

People should have to qualify to go out with you.

You're too precious to be on the open market.

That's what I tell them. They should listen to you.

If only you were Jewish. Well, nobody's perfect.

So, what did you wear? What?

I'm not telling you what I wore. Why should I?

I want an image of a young rabbi on the prowl. What's your game?

All right. Blue button-down shirt. A good color for your eyes.

Blue pinstripe suit.

I can picture that. Tasteful, yet with a quiet power.

That's me. Chic, with a quiet power. Shoes?

Black. Kenneth Cole. Leather. Size?

Big. Ow!

Wanna hear about my tie? Baby, no. Save room for dessert.

Don't give up hope. I'll keep it alive.

Goodbye, Mr. Sharp-Dressed Man. Bye-bye.

Oh, nice!

I have a friend here I thought you might want to see.

Will you please turn to page 508 for Ein Keloheinu.

Sorry, Raphae, hang on a second.

I have to say this first because it's really been bothering me.

Ein Keloheinu. It's a joyous song.

It's a prayer about praising the Lord, telling the Lord how much we love Him, or Her.

But no matter what I do, you don't sing it with any feeling.

I mean, I brought in the band.

That didn't work. I brought in my bongos last week.

I think we can all agree that was a backwards step.

So, this morning, I'm bringing in a little outside help.

Maury, if you would!

(SINGING)

(SINGING GOSPEL-STYLE)

You can even sing along. Come on! (INAUDIBLE)

Have a little fun with it!

That's right. Get up! Get those butts out of the chairs. Come on!

Up in the cheap seats!

I can't hear you up there. Sing it out!

Over 70!

Come on, all the young Jews!

(ROOM HUMS WITH EXCITEMENT)

You were wonderful! Rabbi! Rabbi!

(INDISTINCT)

This is astonishing! This is a house of worship!

If my grandfather had seen this...

This is my daughter Ruthie. She's going to be a physiotherapist.

Rabbi, you're so wonderful. You know my daughter Hillary.

(CONFUSED INDISTINCT BABBLE)

Jake, Bonnie Rose. Have you met my daughter Rachel?

Hi, Jake. Oh, hi!

We don't often get celebrities here.

Once when I was young, Bella Abzug showed up for a bris...

I've heard so much about you. The service was wonderful.

Oh. You were really, really wonderful.

We're all aware of your success. She's now in network prime time.

Look, we get on a live feed. My mom does all my PR.

I know what you mean. Mine, too. No, my mother's firm does my PR.

I'm at PMK. We got her special correspondent.

Great!

She just interviewed Arafat. Yasser?

In Arabic. That's great, I didn't know.

What you don't know is a lot. You two should get together.

Sure. I'm free on Thursday.

Thursday, that's great. Okay.

JAKE: Great. Nice to see you, Bonnie.

This is the man you told me about.

I appreciate what you did for us in the war...

How upset are they? They're less than thrilled.

We're less than thrilled. With what, specifically?

With what, specifically? With guided meditation, specifically.

With stand-up comedy sermons, and your loose improvisational style.

With people enjoying services, people showing up at all?

To be serenaded by the Harlem Gospel Choir?

At least they were praying! It was a hell of an Ein Keloheinu.

It's not kosher! What does that mean?

What's kosher? Study your gemara.

Do you feel the same way?

It's not your ideas. Your ideas are very good.

You're just a little aggressive...

But, Ben, come on! It was working! I know, I know.

You shake things up. That's good. When it works.

But appreciate that many people come here for a sense of continuity.

It's not just the board. It's your congregation, Jake.

Mrs. Katz likes to sing Ein Keloheinu the way she knows it.

Tradition is not old habit. It's comforting to people.

I'm not interested in babysitting Mrs. Katz.

I want to push people to grow. Otherwise, what are we doing?

I know, but you have to be patient with them.

You'll find people go a lot farther if they feel they're being led and not pushed!

RUTH: Good for you, Anna.

No more of this "woman behind the man" shit.

Most men are unworthy of the opportunities they've had.

As a woman on your own, trying to succeed, what do you do with that victory energy each day?

Don't you want to share it?

Do what they do. Take lovers. I've had more dates than Jake.

Mom...

It's true. And when lovers bore, which they will, sublimate.

I take classes. Me, too! What's your favorite?

Kabbalah. You? Kick-boxing.

I used to take kick-boxing, but it was too high-impact. I take tae-bo now.

It's doubled my energy. I need that high impact.

RUTH: I know, I take Native American drumming.

You take tae-bo?

RUTH: Look at those pomegranates.

Our-Lady's bedstraw. The most poetic herb.

Now, over to you. Anybody new in your life?

Wow! Twenty minutes. I can't believe we got this far.

It's my right to check. What about that Shapiro girl?

Not the Shapiro girl. Why? She was a looker.

The problem was here. What? Bad skin?

No, not bad skin. What?

You want an example? I take her out to dinner. She doesn't want dessert.

I get pecan pie. She asks for a bite, I give it to her.

Her face swells up like a chipmunk. She says, "Are there nuts in this?"

So what? Mom, it was pecan pie!

There must be somebody for you. Come on, tell her!

He's got a very hot prospect. Who?

Rachel Rose! That's who I'm going out with.

ABC Rachel Rose? Yes, ABC Rachel Rose.

I could be in-laws with ABC Rachel Rose.

Peter Jennings would be at the wedding!

Speaking of in-laws, Ethan and Jackie took me to her mom's new play.

How is Ethan? He just got promoted.

He's a vice-president now. They gave him Dad's old office.

How nice. I got to hear this from you.

Maybe if you called him... I don't want to talk about it.

Mom, he'd love to hear from you. Please, Jake, don't spoil this.

I got you, I'm proud of you. I got this beautiful garden.

I've reconnected with this old friend.

Let's just hold hands and breathe. Together.

You're not breathing. I am.

I don't hear you breathing. I don't breathe audibly.

(CHILD SPEAKING SPANISH)

Blam!


All right, I gotta go. I gotta go! Gotta go, really gotta go!

Why not have that thing implanted in your ear?

I'll be top on the list.

¿ Hola, María, cómo está? Beep! Beep!

Hello, young sir! Hello, Radio Man.

It's like I'm in The Godfather. I'm God's consigliere.

Gotta go through me to get to Him.

Whoa, children.

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

I totally forget how amazing New York is.

I know. Whoever said it, it was really true.

New Yorkers understand people living elsewhere must be, in some sense, kidding.

Can I ask you a question? Yeah, obviously, anything.

It's personal, so...

Are we gonna have the sex talk? Yes!

I want to know how this works for you. It's fine. Fire away.

Really? Yeah, I know you got a list.

Okay.

Well, you don't, right? No.

At all? At all.

So, have you ever...

Yes! Had sex? Yes.

With women? Yes.

So, you're not gay. No.

Sure? Yes.

But even if I was, the rules are the same.

Do you miss it? No.

Are you tempted? No.

You'd love it if the rule changed. I don't think about it.

Do you fantasize? Not really.

How is that possible? I've seen how women look at you.

Especially knowing you're a priest.

I'm not blind, okay. How do you deal with that?

It's not an issue for me. It's really not.

Really? I'm past that point.

I'm completely committed to what I do.

To my work. It defines me, completely, as a person.

And it fulfills me. I'm very happy.

That particular sacrifice is a gesture, a symbol of my commitment.

Quite a gesture. I know it seems that way.

It's like giving up smoking, the first year is tough, but then you don't care if you see people smoke.

I quit two years ago and when I see smokers, I want to French kiss them to suck the smoke out of their lungs.

Well, don't be a priest!

I really admire your commitment. I don't think I could take it.

You've sacrificed for what you do.

There comes a point where I just crave contact, you know, like I want to touch someone, and be touched.

You're amazing.

Thanks. You're welcome.

Thus endeth the sex conversation? Thus endeth.

I bet no one ever asks the Dalai Lama these questions.

Len, don't argue with me. I have it right here, and it's not right.

I'll be back in an hour, run it again. God, I hate these Harvard guys!

Rachel Rose! When's that going down?

Thursday. Thursday night, 8: 00 p. M. Dinner.

Are you excited? Yeah, I have a pretty good feeling.

Where are you taking her? I thought Ernie's.

You can't take her to Ernie's! It's been around since we were kids!

You cannot take Rachel Rose there. (NASALLY) Definitely not.

You must go somewhere new and hot. Definitely hot.

What's new and hot? What do we know about her?

Twenty-nine years old, journalism school, Middle East Affairs expert.

Perfect. Middle Eastern. She can order in Arabic.

What's a good place? Delphini's. Four stars.

You need a reservation.

Will you wear a suit, or go casual? I don't know. I guess cas...

No, suit, definitely a suit. Shut up, Rain Man. Seriously!

Now you're making me think. Relax.

What if you guys came with me?

Bring a priest on your date? What kind of strategy is that?

Not a priest, my friend Brian, and his girlfriend, Anna. A double date.

Pretend you're a couple. Are you busy?

You could bring your cell phone. That's not the point.

What's the point? You don't need a chaperone.

I don't need a chaperone, I need some help. Please?

I'm begging you.

That's how the business is going. People want news to be edgy.

That's why Brokaw stands now. What?

Tom Brokaw stands to read the news. The whole time?

Yeah. He does?

He's done it for about a year now. Really? I gotta watch the news more.

I saw your sarin gas report. It was very powerful.

Thanks. I earned my stripes with that piece.

I got through a bris without fainting. I vetoed the "McOyster."

A grateful nation thanks you. Made me a star.

So, how long have you two been together?

Oh, right... God, we go way back.

We've all known each other since we were kids.

I had a crush on Anna. Really?

I told you that. She knew that. No, you didn't!

Anyway, we reconnected a couple of months ago, and we just clicked, very unexpectedly.

I think it's great to be friends first, don't you?

Always. Friends first.

So, do you write your own reports?

Yeah. I wouldn't trust anyone else to get them right.

You write your own sermons, right?

Actually, I download them off the Net.

I use www. Hotgod.com. Really?

(KICKING) Ow!

No. No, I was kidding.

So, you do write your own sermons? Yeah.

He writes beautiful sermons.

Actually, I like to improvise. Keeps everybody on their toes.

I guess you can't do that too much with the news.

What? Riff.

No, not really.

I bet the Middle East is lovely this time of year.

Well, not if you're Kurdish.

(PAGER BEEPS)

Excuse me.

Oh, my God! The Iraqi Defense Minister just committed suicide.

Is that bad or good? Well, it...

Brian, would you explain it to him? I will.

How's it going? She's beautiful.

She's great, too. She's very adult.

You're doing great, we're impressed. You look so hot in your suit.

Thank you. You look beautiful. You do. You look amazing.

Thanks, men. There's something about you tonight.

An absence... The cell phone.

Uh-uh-uh!

It's set to vibrate. Oh, my...

Wow. That's sexy. Don't you want to be free of that?

No. You don't understand. I have a relationship with my phone.

We have a chemistry together. I can't explain it.

Chemistry's a funny thing. Yes, it is.

Are you speaking abstractly, or specifically?

Abstractly.

Well, looks like I'm going to Baghdad.

Two seconds. It was a pleasure. Yeah.

Nice to meet you. Good luck to you both.

Talk to you soon. All right.

I'll talk to you. Okay, call me.

Call me soon. Thanks, again.

Bye.

What are you thinking about, right now?

It's funny.

I was at the Met yesterday. Again?

I go every week, and I noticed a painting, a watercolor by Bonnard I've passed every time.

This time I looked at it, and I was just riveted. It was so beautiful.

I was just wondering why I never saw it before.

Sometimes we don't see things until we're ready to see them in a certain way. You know?

Very true.

Yeah.

What's going on with Ruth and Ethan?

Oh, uh...

Ethan married a Catholic girl, and that did not go over well.

That's why they're fighting? Not fighting. They're not talking.

Two years now. No comunicado. Are you serious?

Totally. It's... What? Weren't they close, then?

As close as Ruth and Jake. Wow.

That explains a lot. Yeah.

You see why tonight was not just a date.

Hmm!

I feel terrible about having to cut the night short.

I totally understand. When the beeper beeps...

I'm just going to be packing.

Would you like to come up for a nightcap, keep me company?

I'd love to, but I should leave you. I mean, you're going to Baghdad.

Yeah. Yeah, long flight, I know. Well, okay.

But when you get back, we should definitely get together.

I would love to. It's a date. Okay.

Bye. Bye.

Taxi!

Well, this is me. Okay.

You wanna come up for a while?

I'd love to, but I should get home. I have an early conference call.

Me, too. I gotta talk to the big guy.

Right. Calls early.

Rain check, though. Yeah, definitely.

Goodnight.

Goodnight. Goodnight.


Hi. Hi.

What are you doing here? I don't know, what am I doing here?

ANNA: I haven't screamed that hard since the US hockey team beat the Russians.

Incredible. I wanted to do that since you walked off that airplane.

Really? Right away? You hadn't seen me in 16 years.

I know! You were this tough, sexy businesswoman.

I just wanted to pull you into security and give you a cavity search.

That would have been impulsive.

Well, this is pretty impulsive, for me.

Believe me. It felt good though, right?

Yeah, good. Just, I mean, a little complicated.

What would people at work think if they knew you slept with a rabbi?

Could be a scandal.

Oh.

Listen. Yeah?

You know what my life is like. I'm only here for a little while.

Yes.

And I'm fine, just hanging out, having a great time with you.

But sometimes I want to jump you, too. What can I say?

Is that okay? That's okay. It's more than okay.

ANNA: Think we should say anything to Brian?

I think it might be a little weird for him.

You don't think he'd understand? No, I just... I don't know.

I think we should just keep it simple.

I'm for simple.

I have something simple I'd like to discuss with you.

(SLOW SONG PLAYING)

Do you want to know If everything glittering will turn into the gold I see in your hair? I feel it could be there Somehow tonight

And do you want to find Something worth saving? The change would do me right I've been just waiting and hesitating With this heart

Of mine

You're still a mystery But there's something so easy in how you're sweet to me I feel completed Like it's something I needed For this heart Of mine

There's always something so tragic About a hopeless romantic

We have a Jake Schram here for Anna Reilly. Yes?

Okay.

I'll be coming here a lot, so let's forget this name thing, you can just say, "Hey, Jake," and I'll say, "Hey, T-Bone."

That pass is good for one hour. Okay. Thank you.

Wednesday night, you have a call at 7:00 and dinner at 8:00.

All right. I'll make the call, but cancel the dinner. I have a class.

He's late.

Oh, my God. Are you guys getting serious?

No, no, no. Yes, you are.

No, we're not. I saw it, I can tell!

No, no... Oh, he's here!

Hey. Hi.

Debbie, this is Jake. Jake, vice versa.

How you doing? Hi, Jake.

Can I just say... Good. Good for you.

Thank you. You're welcome.

Ah, Debbie... Debbie... Debbie, what?

Oh!

The numbers are good for you, now?

Good. Just run one more scenario and assume an 8% I RR.

Bye.

Hi. You're really gonna run an 8% I RR?

I'd go with 15%, at least. Stick with the Torah.

Look at this place. It's ridiculous! It's so impressive. Wow!

(INAUDIBLE)

Try again. Hey. Hi.

Can we close your blinds and... What?

Remember that guy I told you about? The guy...

Mr. 23rd Floor? Check it out. There, with the huge plant.

Nothing interesting will be going on... Trust me.

Holy Majoly! Told you.

Does he have music on in there? He's, like, porn-slapping her.

Okay, we should go now. He has healthy self-confidence.

Ready? Let's go. Hang on, I'm learning something here.

We'll be late. You'll benefit from this.

ANNA: I can't Wednesday night, I've a class.

JAKE: What class?

ANNA: I try new things. I'm embarrassed talking about it.

JAKE: Don't be embarrassed. Many people take aikido.

Nope. Line-dancing.

Not even close. What's the big deal, why can't I know?

Feng shui? No!

Don't be embarrassed if it is. Don't tell me, I don't need to know.

I like the "mysterioso" quality. It's very sexy.

That's good. All right. I gotta pee. Hold on, I want to tell you something.

(KISSING)

Hold that thought.

Look who's here! Hey! Hey!

Holy... How you doing? Larry, Ellen, what are you doing here?

We're buying a turkey! No, we're seeing a movie.

Are you alone?

No. I mean, I'm with an old friend.

Why, when Emma Gerber wants you to take her daughter out?

You should call, the family's very wealthy.

Though she's no Rachel Rose. They can make donations.

I've got to call her, but right now I'm taking a break from dating.

Whoa! Look who it is!

We were talking about Rachel. Naturally.

Did you come together? No...

This is why I love New York. It's true.

These are my movie girls, this is Roz and Chaya Lentz.

We're seeing the Garcia picture. So are we!

My daughter's been back a week. She said she called you a few times.

She's disappointed not to have seen you.

How you doing? Perfect. LARRY: This is your friend?

This is my buddy, Anna. These are people...

This is Larry Friedman, president of the synagogue.

ANNA: I've heard so much about you.

Nice to meet you. And Bonnie Rose, and the Luntzes...

Lentzes! Lentzes.

They're from the congregation. I didn't get your last name.

Reilly. Reilly?

We, Anna and I and Father Brian, as children, used to play.

What are you seeing?

Andy Garcia... The IMAX... He's in that, right?

I don't think so. We should go. I thought he was in that.

MAN: Where are the paper towels?

There are no paper towels.

I'm in a crisis here! I need help!

I need someone who, when there are no paper towels, they go to a goddamn store and buy some paper towels!

How many jobs do you hope to pull with no paper towels?

You okay? I'm cool.

I need someone with a little common sense around here.

WOMAN: Why not get somebody else?

Okay, what? If we were going out, I'd be pissed off!

That was a scary situation for me, and you made it worse!

That is no excuse for what just went on!

I'm sorry, too bad, you have to deal with it.

Then I'd say... What would you say?

Come on, bring it, bring the pain! Say it, say it all.

It's a good thing we're not going out, then.

Thank God. Thank God.

I wasn't really mad, were you? No, but you'll still get a spanking.


You are in such good shape. Are you all right?

No, you gotta stretch. You gotta stretch, or you'll tighten up.

Come on. Does that hurt? No, it feels good.

Harder.

Harder!

Okay, that's enough. You're such a wimp.

(PULSING HEARTBEAT)

(ROAR OF AIRCRAFT ENGINE)

(GASPS)

(PHONE RINGS)

ANNA: Only three people have this number, so if you're not one of them, leave me alone.

BRIAN: Hey, it's me. Are you there?

(SILLY VOICE) Hello? Pick up the phone!

Probably still at work. It's not that important. Just thinking about you.

Maybe we can do dinner this week, just you and me.

This is Brian, by the way.

You know where to find me. Call me, okay? Bye.

Gotta go now. Give me 20 minutes.

Twenty minutes? I'm late. Okay, 15 minutes.

Fourteen and a half minutes. Please. I have to go back to the mines.

We all have to. Don't you have work?

I do. We're doing a hostile takeover of another congregation.

Okay. You do that. Okay.

I'm officially going now. Okay.

Toll booth. Ding dong.

Time to pay the toll. Okay.

There. I paid.

God was showing off when He made you.

Okay, go.

You'll be back. They all come back.

(MAN WHISTLING)

(HUMMING)

Ah, yes, they all come back...

Sooner or later, they all...

Hey.

Hi, how are you? Good, how are you doing?

What's up, my man?

Why are you here? I want to get the karaoke machine.

Am I interrupting? Yeah, I got a blonde in the back.

Let's go. Now?

Yes. Okay. Come in for a second.

No, the place closes in 20 minutes. Come in for one second.

Hey, ADD boy, right here. If you want to get it, let's get it.

But be with me when we get it.

Stay focused, okay? I'm with you. Okay.

Test, test. Sibilance...

I'm the king of rock. Ain't none higher. This doesn't work.

The guy's in the back, I can't find him.

The contractor wants to come on Tuesday. Can you do that?

Tuesday... We have to punch up or punch out...

I didn't understand, I just said okay. Tuesday, I'm with the Schwartzes.

What about Thursday night? I think they can do Thursday night.

I can't do that, I got a thing.

Can you cancel? We're behind schedule, they're getting irritable.

It's just that Anna wants me to take her to this office party...

I don't know what it is. Really? Is it a big thing?

No, it's just that she needs someone to go with.

No, she didn't mention it to me. No, it's not a... Whatever.

(SINGING) He's a friend and he's always been a good friend of mine But lately something's changed that ain't hard to define It's just he's got himself a girl and I want to make her mine And she's watching him with those eyes And she's loving him with her body and of course I just know it You know that I was Jessie's girl...

(VOCALIZING)

(HEAVY ACCENT) How you guys doing? I'm Don.

Don. Rhyme with flan. Hi, Don.

You have any question? Yes. Indeed, Don, we do.

Is this a good machine? Yes, if you're a cheap bastard!

Just doing comedy with you.

That one is okay, but if you really serious about karaoke...

We are. Then there only one model for you.

The Audio 2000.

This baby got the 16-bit dual DA converter, three-beam tracking.

Digital key controller, so you can change the pitch if your voice sucks.

I don't need that.

That's nice. How much?

Price is not important. No, price is very important.

Okay, you got me, take me away! It's a little bit expensive.

But let me tell you, it's worth it.

When you sing to your girlfriend, and her heart... Boom! Fall down on the floor, then you say, "Thank you, Don!"

Okay. How much does it cost exactly?

(OWN VOICE) All right, here's the real deal, okay?

I don't usually do this, but you look like cool guys, and I got a piece of ass last night so I'm feeling generous.

Oh!

I'll let you have it for 1, 300.

1, 300? Final offer.

Excuse me, I feel a little warm. My friend, he gets a little warm.

Oh, man! What is that?

Get out of here! Is that real? Oh, yeah.

ANNA: They'll love you.

They're fascinated by those who live on less than $100,000 a year.

JAKE: All right, I feel ready.

Give me some business terms so I sound right.

A BSC deal. What's that?

Booze, schmooze and cruise, dude. How do I look?

Incredible. How are my teeth?

Let me see... No, you're perfect. Thank you.

Ready, Rabbi? No, but let's do it, anyway.

(FUNKY MUSIC PLAYS)

Anna, have a shot. Just got to borrow her for one second.

You think you can talk? This woman can talk.

Oh, Len. You know you can.

(INAUDIBLE)

Thank you.

That's his problem, he can't drive.

If the guy just went down the middle, like Sprewell. Same thing.

Excuse me, Rabbi... We need help with a question of Talmudic precedent.

Excuse me.

Very good! "Talmudic." Where did you learn that?

Look at the city!

You think Len was a Ritalin child? Still is.

They love you. Only 'cause I bust their balls.

No, they really respect you. You should be running that company.

Actually, they want me to. What do you mean?

They asked me to run the high-tech group in San Francisco.

Anna! Are you serious? That's...

I knew it was coming. Who else was there?

Listen to you! That's incredible!

If you think I had no life before... I'll disappear.

But this is everything you've worked for, right?

I'm so proud of you, I'm so happy for you.

Well, here's the thing, Jake.

I've been thinking about it, and...

I'm excited, but not as excited as I am about you and me.

And so I don't think I wanna go, because I wanna be near you, so I thought I'd transfer and stay here.

What do you think?

Wow!

That's... unexpected.

It is? Yeah.

Are you sure that's the best thing?

For you?

Oh.

I don't know. I thought you'd be excited.

No... No, I am. I'm just...

I'm sorry, I thought... Am I off-base here?

No, you're not. It was just an impulse. It's totally fine. Really.

I thought that we... I think that tequila made me giddy.

Shall we go somewhere and talk about this?

No, no, no.

No, it's so fine. I'm having a great time. Let's have fun, okay?

No, I don't... Oh...

Whoo! Let's go dance!

(MUSIC PLAYING)

I never had no problems, yeah Burning down the one-night stands And everything around me...


(SINGS TRADITIONAL JEWISH SONG)


Amen. Amen.

Oh, my! Psycho, psycho!

I can't laugh, I'm so full.

How'd you stay so skinny with cooking like this?

He was blessed with my genes. Ethan, that's another story.

When he was a kid, he was a little chub!

He missed school once because he couldn't fit his pants.

You're joking. It's true, he had to call in fat.

Mom, he never called in fat, come on.

Give the guy a break, he looks great.

He's working out with a trainer, he's on a regimen, he looks trim.

He looks trim because she can't cook.

She's a good cook. You'd know if you tried her food.

I don't wanna talk about this anymore. Get it?

I'm sorry. Sorry.

What were we talking about?

The meal was so good. Thank you.

As always. Someone has to feed the skinny ones.

Now you guys get the dishes, and the ladies will talk.

Jake, put on some water for tea.


ANNA: It's like a fairy tale. Those flowers framing you.

That's called a huppah. Wow.

Oh, my God. You look so beautiful together!

Please. We were so young. We were kids.

I give Jake grief, but you're all doing it the right way.

It takes at least ten years to know yourself well and stop being an idiot.

It's hard enough without binding yourself to another idiot.

What's scary is spending ten years going after important things, you get those things, then suspect you went after the wrong things, and, in regard to the important things, you're still an idiot.

Can I ask you a question?

Is my son a good kisser?

You're in a good mood. I'm usually in a good mood.

But you're in a particularly good mood right now.

Okay. Yes, I am. I'm in a very good mood.

Okay. Do you want to share anything?

Not quite yet. Maybe soon. Really? Soon?

Okay.

Well, you let me know. Okay, I will.

I'll be looking out for that.

That's what she said...

I'm so sorry. Jesus, what happened?

Nothing. Girl talk. We're fine.

I didn't go into explicit detail.

I can't believe you did that. It's between us!

Jake, she figured it out on her own.

Did you try to deny it? Come on, Jake, she knew!

No wonder she was crying!

I was crying, too, all right? We had a nice talk about it.

She was upset, but not angry.

She put on that face. She didn't.

I know, okay? All right? I mean...

You have no idea of the nightmare I'm in for now.

This is not a nightmare, okay? Stop it.

Hey, look at me.

Look at me.

I am in love with you, Jake. I love you, too.

No. You are in love with me, you're just scared of what it involves.

Yes, I am. Me, too, but I'm dealing with it.

Because I'm overwhelmed by feelings for you and I want to work it out.

Great, how do I work it out? Okay.

Let's take it from the top. It's not about your mother, brother, or synagogue.

Just you. What do you need to work it out?

Those things are me, understand? I can't separate them out.

It's hard to accept, but the fact you're not Jewish is a problem for me.

I don't think so.

Okay, all I'm saying is that you should be honest with yourself.

I think if it was just up to you, you'd stick with this relationship, but it's a problem because you think other people can't deal with it.

No, they can't. Give them credit, it's the 21 st century.

What does the 21 st century have to do with anything? This is you and me!

I thought we were just having fun. That's my point, I'm having fun.

I'm having fun, too. This is a lot of fun!

Exactly. So, why throw it away?

Can't you see that you're asking me to risk losing everything I value, just to see if we work?

I mean, I love you, but...

We're different in so many ways unrelated to you not being Jewish.

What are you saying?

We have totally different priorities. Look at your life.

I don't think there's room in your life for what I'm spiritually committed to.

That is so unfair.

Your faith is a huge part of what I love about you.

But you must be patient. It doesn't come as easily for others as for you.

You will never find the kind of relationship I know you want, and you will never be the kind of spiritual leader you could be until you learn to put faith in other people.

I'm not saying we should marry, all I'm saying is that I'm in love with you, and I want to give it a real shot.

I don't know what to say.

How about, "I've always wanted someone like you, and I won't lose you."

I'm sorry...

You will be when you realize I've gone and I'm not coming back.

This is my apartment. You get out.

(PHONE RINGS)

It's for you. Who calls at this hour? I'm sorry.

I was dreaming about my mother's sausages.

Hello? Brian? (SNIFFLING)

What's wrong?

I need to talk to you. Can you come over? Please?

Don't move. I'll be right over. No, I'll be right there. Okay.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

(ANNA SOBBING)

Are you okay? Terrific.

I came running right over. Sorry, I didn't mean to call so late.

No, it's fine, don't worry. What's wrong?

Everything. What?

Me! You? You're perfect.

I am a loser! You're not, what are you saying?

I'm a workaholic. No, you're not.

(SCOFFS)

Okay, yes, you are. But you're our workaholic, and we're proud of you.

Brian... What?

You're my friend, and if I ask you something, you'll answer honestly?

Of course, you know I will.

When you look at me, when you look at my life, do you think, "There's a girl whose values are all out of whack?"

No, and certainly not in that voice.

Have I got no spirit? What?

I know I'm fun to hang out with, but does my life seem shallow to you?

Am I spiritually empty? No, are you crazy?

You've got more spirit in you than most guys in robes out there.

You're a natural, you radiate.

Trust me. What's going on here? What's this about?

I don't even know where to begin, Brian.

You're my best friend, and I've been keeping stuff from you.

All these feelings...

Now something has happened, and I can't keep it from you anymore.

It's okay. It's not okay.

There are things I have to say, and I feel bad.

I have things to say, too. Mine are big and bad. I need to...

No, please, just listen...

I love you, too. What?

I love you, that's what you want to say, but you're scared, so I'll say it first.

Brian... It's okay, trust me. Trust me.

We can't fight it, it's too strong. It's okay.

No, Brian, I can't!

It's the vows, isn't it?

It's the vows, they make you feel guilty. I can't believe it.

I shouldn't have had that sex talk with you, I knew it.

I knew it. In my head, a voice said, "Don't go here..."

You don't understand.

Right now, for the first time ever, I feel jealous of Jake.

I envy him. This would be so easy if I was him. I picked the wrong gig.

Let me talk to you! Admit it!

If I was a rabbi, you could love me without guilt.

Listen to me! What?

I am in love with a rabbi.

Sorry? I'm in love with Jake.

(SCOFFS) Yeah.

That's what I was trying to tell you.

I'm stunned. I'm stunned, I'm paralyzed... What?

Excuse me, my mouth just went all dry.

I can't believe this. When did this happen?

We've been together since July. July?

(SQUEAKS) Oh!

July?

We should have told you, but we weren't sure how you'd react.

I'm glad you saved it, because it's definitely less weird for me now.

Brian...

Let's talk about this. You don't drink.

In light of recent revelations, no one is in a position to say what the other one does or does not do with much authority.

Oh, God!

You must think I'm such an idiot.

No, Brian. No, I think I'm an idiot.

I mean, all these moments with you I've been walking on a cloud, it's just been the reflected glow of you and Jake.

That's not true.

I'm so embarrassed.

God, talk about a bad case of the third wheel!

Brian! I feel like I'm on some bad TV show.

Melrose Priest! No...

I don't get this. Why now? Why tell me like this?

After months of lying, why call me over tonight and cry to me?

He broke up with you, didn't he?

That moron broke up with you, and you called your friend, the priest.

I... It makes total sense, it's just...

Tonight, I really didn't want to be one.

Oh, Brian...

(DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES)

(SOBBING)

(CUBAN SPANISH SONG PLAYING)


(RECITING HEBREW BADLY IN CRACKING VOICE)


Yes, I heard about that.

My grandfather and father were mohels.

Excuse me, I'd like to make a toast...

BRIAN: Rabbi Jacob Schram!

Rabbi Jacob Schram!

Oh, Rabbi Jacob...

Oh... Hello!

May I help you? Yes, I'm Father Brian Finn.

I'm looking for my old friend, Rabbi Jacob Schram, and there he is.

Brian, what's going on? Looking smart and breaking hearts.

What are you doing? Don't smile at me.

I'm on to you, and I'm in no mood... What's going on?

You're drunk. I'm not drunk.

I'm not drunk, I'm Irish. This is milk to me.

What's going on?

It's okay. It's not! My best friend lied to me!

And he stole my girlfriend, on top of it. Come here.

Did they change the rules? Take your hands off me!

Give me that! I can't believe you!

Don't lie here, this is the big room.

God doesn't look favorably on it. He throws lightning bolts! At liars!

How did you find out? How? How do you think?

She told you. She was crying on my shoulder.

What did you expect?

Did you think she'd just take it on the chin after how you treated her?

Hey, wait a minute! Listen to me!

Anna is very special, she's not like other girls.

You said some things to her that I resent.

You can't just write her off like one of your dates, I won't let you.

Brian, I'm in love with her! Okay?

I'm sorry you found out like this, but the fact is, that it's between me and her.

It was between you and her, but now it's between you and me.

Why is it between you and me?

Because I love her. I know, I love her, too.

No... I'm in love with her.

What? It came as quite a shock to her, too.

You're in love with her? No one seems to have noticed this...

It's very strange.

I mean, she's like your sister, Brian...

Yes, thank you for adding new depths to my confusion.

Damn it, Jake. You have a whole city full of women at your feet.

Why go for the first woman I've ever had any romantic feeling for?

Wait! Listen to what you're saying.

You're saying I should have sensed the possibility that a Catholic priest had a crush on my secret girlfriend!

BRIAN: So what? You know how much I care about her.

You could have known it would end this way.

I know? What does that mean?

Your casual relationships with women never work, because they always fall for you, because you're smart, funny and cute.

Don't put this all on me. You could've had a fling with anybody.

Why'd you pull her into your bed? She pulled me into her bed!

I don't believe that.

It's the truth. She's a woman, not the Virgin Mary!

Ow!

Let me get this straight.

I'm talking to a priest who went on a bender because his best friend, a rabbi, stole his girl?

Right.

Thank you. I want to thank you for telling me this story.

Why? Because now I can retire.

You have to give me advice. That's what this is about.

Oh, God, what do I know?

I'm a half Punjabi Sikh, one quarter Tamil separatist, my sister's married a Jewish doctor from New Jersey, and our grandmother was an Irish nun who left me this bar, which is a very long story.

You're a Sikh Catholic Muslim with Jewish in-laws?

Yes. Yes, it gets very complicated.

I'm reading Dianetics. I don't blame you.

Thank you for listening to me.

I feel like I should ask for penance. I don't do penance.

I do shots.

I'll tell you what I know.

May those who love us, love us.

And those who don't love us, may God turn their hearts.

If He cannot turn their hearts, may He turn their ankles, so that we may know them by their limping.

Slainte. Slainte.

(MELANCHOLIC SONG PLAYING)

I'll tell you why I don't want to know where you are I got a joke I've been dying to tell you A silent kid is looking down the barrel To make the noise that I kept so quiet Kept it from you, pitseleh

MAN: Anna?

Anna?

I'm not what's missing from your life now I could never be the puzzle pieces They say that God makes problems just to see what you can stand Before you do as the devil pleases Give up the thing you love

(BEEPS)

ANNA: Hey, Brian. It's me again.

Please call me, okay, Finn? Brian, call Anna. Please to call.

Seriously, I really want to talk to you, okay? Bye.

I remember I fell in love with this girl in Prague, in 1968.

(SIGHS)

She was beautiful, like Carole Lombard.

She grabbed me in the alley behind my church, she pressed me against the wall, she kissed me.

I felt like Richard Chamberlain in The Thorn Birds, in the barn with Meggie.

I was so happy, I could die.

Did anything happen between you?

Not really. Flirtations, little moments.

Soon after, the Russians invaded and I moved to the United States.

I'll tell you something.

If she had kissed me back, I doubt I'd be sitting here right now.

I would have given it all up.

I mean, she didn't, but...

I keep thinking about what you said in the seminary, about how the life of a priest is hard, and if you think you'd be happy doing anything else, you should do it.

That was my recruitment pitch, which is not bad when you're starting because it makes you feel like a Marine.

The truth is, you can't tell yourself there is only one thing you could be.

If you are a priest, or marry a woman, it's the same challenge.

You cannot make a real commitment unless you accept that it is a choice, which you keep making again and again.

I've been a priest over 40 years, and I fell in love at least once a decade.

You won't tell me what to do here, will you?

No. God will give you your answer.

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

Hey. Hey.

How are you doing?

What's up?

You're probably still mad at me... Probably? No, I'm definitely still mad.

Did you think you'd stroll over and find me in a good mood?

No, I knew you'd still be mad at me.

What do you expect? You should have just told me.

I'd have been jealous and said it would muck things up, but at least we'd still be friends.

We're still friends, I hope!

Friends don't lie to each other and set each other up for humiliation.

That's why I'm here, I wanted to apologize, if you'd let me talk!

I want to talk, I've got things I want to vent.

Talk, vent, come on! Go ahead, vent!

Okay...

Now I lost my momentum. Go ahead, what do you want to say?

I wanted to say that I handled things badly, and I'm sorry.

You're my best friend. Please forgive me.

That was very simple and direct. Thank you.

You're lucky I am a priest. Forgiveness comes with the job.

You're a good priest.

I got something for you.

I almost didn't because I was so mad at you, but this was too good.

That's the Rabbi Schlomo Schneerson card.

It's the last of the series! You always talk about it.

It's in such good condition. It's mint. I had to get it.

Brian!

Thank you.

You're welcome.

As pissed off as I was, the weird thing is I'm very sorry I didn't get to see you two together.

That would have made me happy, in a weird way.

Have you talked to her? No.

Things are really strange between us now.

Are you guys working this out?

No, no.

But that's offset by the fact that I'm about to lose my job.

Are you serious?

What a mess. I'm sorry.

I was starting to think I had a few things figured out.

JAKE: Yeah. Me, too.

BRIAN: What happened?

Hi.

I don't think I'm the person to offer objective advice on this particular confession.

Brian!

Brian.

You don't have to say anything. Just listen to me.

I'll just say one thing, and then I will go away.

You're my friend, and whatever else is going on, I don't want you to think my feelings for you relate to what I feel for Jake.

That's not the problem, and you know it.

I thought you wanted me and that affected me.

Maybe that's not fair and I'm reading all kinds of things wrong, but it sure felt that way to me.

(SIGHS)

I don't know what to say.

I've just been having so much fun, and...

I've had all of these feelings lately, and not just my feelings for Jake, but this...

Reconnecting with part of myself that has been shut down for a long time.

If I indulged those feelings with you, or if I took you for granted, I am so sorry.

I can't bear that I hurt you.

It's not your fault. I totally set myself up for this.

I'll tell you something, I don't know which feels worse, having my heart broken or doubting myself, because of what that means for me.

Don't you dare doubt yourself. You have a gift, and you know it.

If you start doubting that because of me, I don't know what I'd do to myself.

I don't doubt myself because of you.

I feel at my best when I'm around you, and that makes me doubt everything.

I don't know what to do, Brian. Tell me what to do, and I'll do it.


Is it me, or is confession getting a little touchy-feely these days?

Thank you.

The lights work, the cameras came and the chairs are all set up.

I sent the invitations and we've got the karaoke machine.

Oh! No. We need the disks for the karaoke.

I'll call Don at home. It's all right, I'll do it now.

Excuse me, what is that? A cell phone.

Since when? Anna gave it to me. Look.

She put God on speed dial. I called it, it's the Elvis Presley museum.

Sorry, I have to say this. You know she's leaving next week?

Yeah, yeah. Okay, I'm just checking.

You guys have been talking? Yeah. We had a good talk.

It's okay. Good.

Good. Sure you don't want to talk about this?

I don't! Am I asking you to talk about it? I don't want to.

I'd talk about it if I wanted to. Okay.

It's just that she's leaving... I know, what do you want me to do?

(PHONE RINGS)

Rabbi Schram.

What?

I'm looking for Ruth Schram. Dr. Marx.

What happened? She had a transient ischaemic attack.

A what? It's an "almost" stroke.

What does that mean?

A blockage of blood... Is she all right?

Bring me my Obsession perfume, some macaroons, and my computer, I gotta e-mail.

Mom, the doctor said you must rest for two days...

Get out of here!

If I have to stay here for two days, I'll give them an ischaemic... Whatever.

I assume your brother knows all about this?

Yeah, he's stuck in the Hamptons, but he's checking in...

Yeah. Okay, doesn't matter, I'll be home by tomorrow.

Thanks for being so dutiful.

It's our pleasure.

Where's the third musketeer? Miss Reilly? Working hard?

What? You know what, I need a coffee.

I'll get it. No, that's okay. You stay and talk.

What happened? I don't want you to worry about this.

It's fine, I've dealt with it. Dealt with what? How?

I dealt with it. It's over, and I don't...

I wanna talk about this. No.

I wanna talk! You should rest!

There's nothing to talk about. Yes, there is.

Sit back, relax.

Listen to me.

There's a reason your brother isn't here.

I know. And I'm not going to let that happen again.

You don't know!

I made a mistake.

It's true, he's punishing me a little too much for it, but it was my fault.

It's hard to see your son as a man.

I couldn't do that for him.

You're a man, Jake, a good man. I did a good job with you.

Make your own decisions about what's important to you.

I'm proud of you, no matter what.

Mom...

I love you.

Thank you.

(MAN SINGING IN HEBREW)

(INAUDIBLE)

Rabbi.

How's your mother, Jake? Good. She's here tonight.

That's wonderful. I suppose you have your speech all prepared?

Yeah. Good. Good.

And you'll go out with a bang, huh?

(SINGS IN HEBREW)


(INAUDIBLE)

Shalom.

Since Yom Kippur is the Super Bowl of the Jewish calendar, most rabbis try to cram a whole year's worth of sermons into one big, best-of sermon.

I'm not going to do that tonight.

I won't talk about the meaning of God or the situation in Israel or the status of Jews around the world.

I'd like to talk about something more personal.

I'd like to talk about us, the status of you and me.

A wise man once told me that no rabbi can save anyone, he can only offer himself as a guide to other fearful people.

We live in a really complex world.

A world where boundaries and definitions are blurring into each other in ways that challenge us, not just as Jews, but as human beings.

For a while now, you've let me be your guide.

You've shared your lives with me, you've explored your faith with me in ways that, I know, sometimes have seemed strange and even scary.

But you put your trust in me.

And, over the past few months, I have been violating that trust.

I've been violating it by not sharing my life with you.

For a number of months, I've been seeing a woman who isn't Jewish.

It doesn't matter if I'm still with her, or if I still love her, which I do.

What matters is that I shouldn't have been afraid to discuss it with you.

I'm not sorry for loving her.

I am sorry, I'm very sorry, that I put too little faith in you.

Yom Kippur is the day of atonement,

and so tonight, I stand before you and ask you to forgive me.

This could take a while. Go home. I'll call when the board has decided.

Or you could stick around. Okay?


Come on. Come on!

Yes? Yes! Yes!

Don't mess with me like that!

This is so fantastic. How does it feel?

It feels good.

We've got a lot to celebrate tonight, barring an interfaith rumble!

It's definitely Manischewitz time. We have two cases.

Did you get the disks from Don? No, I'm going to, don't worry.

Not to rain on your parade, but I had to say goodbye to Anna.

I know you don't want to talk about it, but there it is.

There what is? Come on, man, what are you doing?

What do you want me to do? Flagellate myself?

Jews don't do that. We plant trees.

Who's talking about feeling guilty? I thought you'd wanna do something.

You're on such a roll right now. What's holding you back?

You love her, don't you? Yes, I do, I just...

Sometimes that's not enough. Listen to what you're saying!

Not enough? There's nothing else that's worth anything against that.

For years you've talked about how much you want something like this, and when it comes, you walk away over a few minor complications.

What kind of plan is that? You know how God works.

Think He'll give you this a second time 'cause you're on his crew?

Seriously, look at me.

As your friend, I'm telling you, you're making this too complicated.

It's very simple. You love each other, and she's leaving in two hours!

You need to ask yourself, are you going to do anything or not?

Why are you standing here?

You're right! Why am I standing here? The sign hasn't changed.

This is New York City! Who waits for a sign?

Cross the damn street!

Do we need signs to tell us what to do? Cross the street!

I gotta go! Go, yes, go!

Brian, thank you! What happened to free will?

Go! Go forth and prosper!

Sir, may I help you? T-Bone, I gotta see Anna.

(RINGING)

(CHEERING)

I'm sorry, there's no answer.

T-Bone, look at me. Don't you recognize me? It's Jake.

What is this in reference to? It's not in reference to anything!

Do me a favor. This is very important to me.

Go and tell anybody that Jake Schram is here, okay?

I can't do that, sir. Help me out!

Come on, just two guys, T.

Take me with you. I don't know where I'm going yet.

What's that?

You're going to San Francisco to lead the exciting life.

Don't tell anybody, but I need a break from this exciting life.

Really? Yeah, I do.

So, what are you packing there, something like 280, 290?

320. Oh, 320.

Whoa!

Okay, okay... All right!

Next time, sir, I suggest you make an appointment.

Ow!

No, seriously, a toast. To Anna.

To Anna. ALL: Hear, hear.

Thank you. I'll miss you guys. MAN: Yeah, right!

I'm going to miss a lot of things around here, like Len's endless Howard Stern recountings.

And, of course, I'll miss my Casanova boy across the way.

Hey, what is that? What?

Oh, my God. Who is that?

It's Jake. What's he doing?

I don't know.

(MOUTHING) Pick up the phone!

Anna Reilly. Anna, it's Jake. Can you see me?

I can only see my reflection.

I see you, what are you doing?

I tried to get up there, but it's like the Pentagon with that T-Bone.

I decided to try Casanova here. His name's Howard.

I've been thinking about some things, I'd like to talk to you.

(STATIC WHINING)

Am I on speakerphone? ALL: Hi, Jake!

Hi. Go on.

Can we talk? Can I come over? No, now is a good time.

Okay. All right.

Listen, I've been thinking... I just want you to know I'm sorry.

And you were right. About what?

About everything. About us, about me, especially about me.

I acted like an idiot. What are you saying?

ALL: Yeah, what are you saying, Jake?

I'm saying that I love you.

I'm in love with you.

I've waited all my life for someone like you, and I won't let you go.

Please, don't go. Anna, I don't want you to go.

Could we get off the phone?

(ALL CHEER)

Hello? What's going on? Anna?

She's gone, buddy. Move! What?

(ALL CHEERING)

Stuff like that never happens to me. Me, neither.

(JAKE GROANS)

(SINGING KARAOKE) No jokes, no surprises No crisis arises My life goes along as it should It's all very nice but not very good And I'm ready to take a chance again Ready to put my love on the line with you Living with nothing to show for it You get what you get when you go for it And I'm ready to take a chance again Ready to put my love on the line with you Than living with nothing to show for it You get what you get when you go for it Hey!

Everything okay here? All good things.

All good things.

...with you I'm ready to take that chance again Hi.

Rabbi Lewis. Anna, this is Rabbi Lewis.

Good to see you again. And you, Rabbi.

You missed our last class. I thought I was leaving town.

Don't look at me like that. I'd love to start again.

I'd be delighted. Anna...

If you'll excuse us, we're off dancing.

Come on, let's get this started. Okay.

(MUSIC STOPS)

Attention, please. We'd like to kick this off.

So great to see such a great turn-out.

Thank you for coming. JAKE: Congratulations.

It's wonderful to see so much interfaith dancing happening.

Like the end of West Side Story warms the heart.

Let's give ourselves a hand. This is your place. Enjoy it.

Hit it.

(MUSIC RESUMES)

Hello. Hello.

Is three a crowd here? Not this three.

Hold it!

(SLOW SONG PLAYING)

Do you want to know If everything glittering will turn into the gold I see in your hair? I feel it could be there Somehow tonight

And do you want to find Something worth saving? The change would do me right

'Cause I've been just waiting and hesitating With this heart of mine

You're still a mystery But there's something so easy in how you're sweet to me I feel completed Like it's something I needed For this heart of mine

There's always something so tragic

About a hopeless romantic

So though we cannot know If everything glittering will turn into the gold I'm through with waiting and hesitating I want you taking This heart of mine

Heart of mine