Killing Hasselhoff (2017) Script

Barry, do you hear that?

Superhero: The Musical! I'm telling you, I know what I'm talking about.

Get on the phone. Call the heads of all the studios. This is gonna be huge.

Chris!

No!

I don't know what's worse: a half-naked oiled-up David Hasselhoff or this bullet in my chest.

You're probably asking yourself how I got into this situation.

Let's go back a few days.

Tommy's house. Where it all started. He's a reality TV producer.

Anyway, we're all there for Tommy's annual Celebrity Death Pool party.

That's me, Chris.

I own a nightclub called Habitat that's barely making ends meet.

My pick in the pool every year is David Hasselhoff.

I almost won last year as the Hoff nearly plunged to his death skydiving blind on his reality show.

As usual my luck didn't pan out while Hasselhoff's did.

I mean, as far as death pools go, I figured that was like drafting LeBron right out of high school.

What started out as an innocent game with my boys ended up being one of the worst weeks of my life.

Six years ago today, 18 men, all of whom are here, chose one celebrity and put $500 into a bank account.

We then made a gentleman's agreement that whoever's celebrity died first, that man would walk away with... $9,000.

And what's the total now, Tommy? A staggering, a shocking, may I say life-altering amount?

$567,000.

You could buy a lot of weed with that.

So you want Hasselhoff to die but you also booked his after party.

Isn't that a conflict of interest? I like to hedge my bets.

I'm just curious. Would you rather have the money or a lifetime of awful karma?

So you wanna have the wedding at Chuck E. Cheese?

They have a house band there. It's all animatronic robots.

If it's cool with you, it's cool with me.

It's definitely cool with me. Sounds like the best wedding ever.

You don't even have to buy gifts. You could win 'em with tickets.

It's amazing! Why is no one doing this?

Time to re-ante. Let me hear it, people. Come on.

With these contracts so begins the Celebrity Death Pool 2016.

Yes! Whoo!

I remember a friend of mine once saying to me, "A joint chequing account with Chris? Chris Kim?"

And of course I objected. Ann, your trust will soon be rewarded.

This is gonna be our year. This man is definitely going to die.

I can feel it in my motherfucking bones.

You're pathetic. Thank you.

I just want you to know, I'm doing this godawful terrible thing for us.

Love you.

Yeah, yeah, I know, it's a little sad that we bet on celebrities to die, but, hey, what can I say? I don't have many hobbies.

Think maybe he's dead?

Fish? Did you kill yourself? Because if you didn't kill yourself, answer the door.

Hey. Hey.

Six years and you've never missed a re-ante.

Where were you, buddy?

Well, where shall I start? Oh, I know.

My girlfriend's being probed on a regular basis by some Antonio Banderas-looking motherfucker with a massive dick.

So there's that. What are you talking about?

Yesterday I accidentally hacked into Jenn's Facebook account, like I normally do, and I'm reading her inbox, two messages in, boom, there it is.

A big description of some bastard with a huge cock.

What? Here it is.

Sebastian Hollingbone. Damn!

I know, right? It's like he's born to be on the cover of a romance novel.

He is the Latin Fabio. Oh, my God, he is beautiful. Just chiselled and...

Calm down, Tommy. Thank you. You're not fucking helping.

It's not natural.

What makes you think Jenn is banging this roided-out meathead anyway?

Uh... This. And I shall recite.

"I long to stroke on your foot-long cock.

To lick it all over from the base to the top.

Once it is hard I'd like it inside me, to poke and to prod and to lead me to ecstasy."

Fuck! I've gotta stop reading it. Damn, that is graphic.

I mean, what the fuck?

Almost three years and she's writing this guy dick poetry.

Okay, yeah, that is a cock poem.

But on the bright side it is a terrible cock poem.

Yeah. The metre's abysmal. The rhymes are forced.

She'll never get it published.

Is... That's what you're telling me? That it's not gonna get published?

You fucking dickheads! That's not the point!

The point is, why is she doing it?

Jenn's barely even touched my tiny knob recently.

Let alone use iambic pentameter to describe it.

And now I know why. Because of Sebastian.

Every fucking picture of him is shirtless!

It's like he's allergic to shirts!

I wear shirts. You guys, you got shirts? Yeah?

Wearing a shirt right now. Yeah, cos you're fucking normal.

Okay, dude, dude. Come on, man. Fuck this guy. Fuck Jenn.

Who the hell does she think she's cheating on?

You're Paul "the Fish" Fishman.

Thanks, Tommy.

But I've gotta be honest. I don't have a very big dick.

Okay, you know, neither do I. Just more of a Korean genetic thing, but that's fine.

That's why we own a Hollywood club. We overcompensate. That's what we do.

Once we renovate you'll be knee-deep in all the pussy a 25 per cent investor with a mediocre member can handle. Huh?

How do you like that?

Yeah, obviously that... that sounds good, you know.

But I think I'm losing it. You know, everywhere I look I see Sebastian.

Everywhere. He's behind you, by the way, mocking my tiny penis.

Hey, gotta remain positive.

Where's the old optimistic Fish? Come on.

I don't know. I think he's been defeated by Sebastian's hollingbone.

Dude, I need you to be strong for me. I really need you right now.

Okay, I'm sorry. Okay? It... I'm just...

Shaking me all the time, you know? I'm sorry.

Breakups suck. I get it. You have nothing to worry about.

Okay, look. Blue skies ahead, buddy. You gotta buck the fuck up.

Hasselhoff's throwing an after party at your nightclub this Saturday.

The Hoff? The Hoff.

Is he gonna sing? Yes. No!

No? Okay, good. I'll try and make it.

If I'm still of sound body and mind.

Yeah, okay.

Wait, wait. That feels weird.

I'm sorry. Don't cry.

So, yeah, I had Hasselhoff in the death pool and was also hosting his after party.

Just cos I want Hasselhoff to die doesn't mean that I'm not gonna try to make a couple of bucks off of him while he's still alive.

It's a win-win.

There he is. Here's my guy. Come on. Not you. Hey. How are you?

Hi, Tommy. You must be real proud of this guy.

Yeah, I am.

Refill? Yes, please.

Zoink.

So... Ann, where's Susan?

I'm sorry, but my roommate's never gonna sleep with you. She's engaged.

I forgot that she's engaged. Why does she have to be engaged?

Because engaged people can't have sex with other people.

But, wait, they can! And I'm gonna do it.

I'm gonna have sex with her and you can't stop me from having sex with her because I'm already having sex with her in my head right now.

Oh... Ah...

Okay, yeah, that's very nice, Susan. Oh. Don't make Ann watch. That's...

Whoo! Stop.

Copy that.

Dolores.

Fishman, you okay? Okay. Yeah. Yeah, I'm...

No. Yep.

Good lad. I...

All right, everyone.

Let's give a warm welcome to our founder and CEO, Mr Richard Mayweather.

Welcome.

All right, let's get down to business.

Now, company profits have stalled in the third quarter.

I've been thinking long and hard about how to turn things around and here's some thoughts.

I want you to consider the difference between steel and pudding.

They're both made out of molecules...

Sebastian!

It seems, my lady, that my manhood has sprung to attention.

My dew-soaked ladydom awaits your staff!

I wish to ravish you on this table!

Sebastian! Yes, please! Oh!

Ravish away, Sebastian.

My previous lover never gave me... Don't... Don't do that!

That's right, Fishman. We can no longer stay passive.

My desire must be sated in the most forbidden of places.

Now dispose of your skirt and prepare to receive many sweet reams.

Oh! Yes!

No!

You're not fucking her, do you hear?

I'll kill you, you son of a bitch! I'll rip your love muscle right off!

Do you hear me? I'll kill you!

This is gonna be a big money night! It fucking better be.

Chris, you worry too much about money. Look at me.

I have two pairs of pants, two pairs of shirts, no underwear and I'm happy.

Yeah, cos you're always high. Yeah, I forgot about that.

You even have weed in your hair. Just a big...

I've been looking all over for you! I better go smoke this.

Now if I'm not back in 20 minutes, it means I forgot to come back.

What was I doing again? Good luck, Rob.

Every time he walks away I feel like it's the last time I'll ever see him.

Amazing, tonight, everybody. Simply amazing.

"Has he still got it?" Hell, you never lost it.

Habitat, here we come!

Barry? Let's go to Orchid.

Orchid it is.

Ah! Hey, Barry.

Everything is all set for Mr Hasselhoff's arrival, so what's the ETA?

Chris, unfortunately we're not gonna be able to make it tonight.

Mr Hasselhoff has changed his mind.

One of his many talents. What the hell are you talking about?

Well, we need someplace a little fancier, you know?

Are you fucking kidding me? We had a deal!

You are mistaken if you think that cussing and yelling is gonna make us magically appear at your shitty little club.

Let me speak to David Hasselhoff directly, please.

Bye, cocksucker. Goodbye.

Hello?

Fuck!

He's not coming.

Maybe I should go home.

Boss, we got us a little problem.

Who's in the VIP suite? Jenna D'Andrea.

And that's a problem why? She's only 16.

What?! It shows that you signed off on her, which is weird as hell cos the girl's on a kids' TV show.

Oh, shit!

You Ricky's dude with the X? No, I'm the owner.

Well, your name ain't on the guest list.

What? The owner ain't gotta be on the guest list, homie!

Hey, let him in. He's cute.

I've always wanted to have sex with a tiny Asian man.

It's on my fuck-it list!

Hi. I need to talk... Don't talk, eat this.

What was that? It's a lude, man.

Lude? What the fuck are you?

A Vietnam vet? Shh!

No negativity here. Positive vibes only.

You need to grow.

Speaking of grow... No, no, no!

Mom!

It's always so good to see my little girl making new fuck buddies.

You're her mom? Yeah.

We're just trying to ditch that kiddie-star rep and stir up some controversy.

No, no! Okay, well, this time is over.

What the fuck is going on in my VIP suite?

Oh, my...

And the mom?! You disgust me.

I will not stand by and have you turn this Judeo-Christian-friendly Hollywood nightclub into a fucking whorehouse. Huh?

So, Grace Jones, stop making out with white Grace Jones.

Girl from The Ring? Flacco and Chalupa?

Pack up your dildos, batten down your anal beads and take this orgy to the streets where you belong because this party is over.

This party ain't over till I say it's over, bitch.

My eyes! My eyes!

Insanity outside a Hollywood nightclub last night.

A huge star being smuggled out undercover after claims of being sexually abused by the nightclub owner.

So who is this woman?

It's child star Jenna D'Andrea, claiming that Chris Kim, owner of Hollywood club Habitat, sexually assaulted her.

She says that he put his face in her crotch.


Annie, listen. I don't wanna hear it, Chris.

I mean, seriously, I feel like this is a bad dream.

Me too! It's a fucking nightmare. I just...

I know you're furious but can you at least hear me out?

How long have you been doing this?

Doing what? I haven't done anything they said I did.

Really? So you weren't doing coke and groping an underage girl?

I saw it, Chris. The whole world saw it!

My mom called me crying last night. Fuck. Your mom saw it.

Everybody's mom saw it!

This is a ridiculous misunderstanding. You gotta believe me.

You know, I'm a teacher, Chris. My students watch her show.

Just imagine what I'm gonna deal with at work tomorrow!

Annie...

Will you just go?

Please. Just go.

Annie...

I'm broke, lost my fiancée and the Hoff just won't die.

Can we change the sad music, please? God, I'm pathetic.

You wearing a wire? Why would I wear a wire?

That's what people say when they are wearing a wire.

Now it's time to spread 'em.

Fine. Go ahead. Sorry. Just doing my job, guy.

Hey! Hey! Is your job supposed to be checking for a tiny listening device strapped to my taint?

In a sense, that's exactly what it is. Fantastic.

Your mother must be very proud. Yeah, she is, actually.

I'm her favourite. Where do you fall in your family's pecking order?

I'm guessing somewhere near the bottom.

I saw you on TV this morning. I didn't do it. Not any of it.

The old "I didn't do it".

Popular phrase in this town. Unfortunately it doesn't always work.

Okay. Sorry.

No. Okay.

Mr Kim, so today is payday.

Mr Wasserstein, I'm actually asking for an extension.

An extension? That's a... That's a ballsy request.

No, I just need a little more time. Just, just anything.

Mr Kim, if you'll indulge me a brief story.

I call it the parable of the loaves.

Jesus Christ.

Years ago there was a ten-year-old boy living in Brooklyn.

His mother was crazy. His father a drunk.

So naturally he had to fend for himself most of the time and in that he was hungry, he took to stealing scraps of bread from a local baker.

They knew and it was no big deal. But soon enough, the boy got cocky.

He started stealing more and more.

Now, the baker had a son around the same age as this little boy and one day the baker's son witnessed the boy stuffing an entire loaf of bread down into his drawstring pantaloons. Now, stealing scraps, that's one thing.

I'm sure you would agree an entire loaf, well, that's another matter entirely.

So for three months the baker's son beat the boy bloody, until it was certain that he had learned his lesson.

That boy who stole the bread...

That was you? What? No. Fuck, no.

I was the boy who beat the shit out of that boy. The baker's son.

The point is this, Mr Kim.

You owe me $400,000 and I really enjoy beating the shit out of people who steal from me.

I just need a little breathing room.

Mr Kim, you should consider your breathing room is the fact that you are now currently still breathing.

Now you gave me your word that you would give me the 400K on a date that we both agreed upon, Mr Kim.

If one man cannot take another man's word, all order is lost.

And still, Mr Kim, I'm rooting for you. Nick, however, not so much.

You have 72 hours beginning now, Mr Kim.

Okay. Thank you, sir.

You could have supported me just a little bit more with the bread story.

You and your hyperbole. Now it's a whole loaf?

I'm being hyperbolic?

Yes! It's a whole loaf that he's stuffing into a pair of drawstring...

That's the whole point of the story. It starts nice with a little scrap.

I mean, he's looking at me like, "Then what, then what?"

You said pantaloons. You said pantaloons.

That's exactly what he was wearing. Whatever. Okay.

That's what I had. Maybe you're right.

I had dungarees, he had pantaloons and I watched him stuffing it.

It might have been a bun.

Maybe you're right. Go fuck yourself.

Let's go down the list.

I'm accused of dealing drugs, serving alcohol to a minor, sexual assault on that minor, so Ann kicked me out.

Plus, I owe 400 grand to a goddamn psychopath and my last-hope investor lost his fucking mind.

Ah, Fish. Yeah, Fish. His brain melted.

A 5150. A 72-hour psychiatric hold.

This is some heavy shit.

Why'd you go to Wasserstein? Because I'm desperate, Tommy.

I will help you with anything you need.

So you'll lend me the money?

I would love to give you the money but I don't have the money, okay?

Work's not going great. The last two shows failed.

Look, if Redneck Atheist works out, then we're good, but I gotta tell you this thing's been real hard to cast.

No, no. No, no.

Thanks. It's my shit storm so I'll take care of it.

I'll tell you what I can do. I can talk to Ann. She trusts me.

I'll go over there and explain that you don't touch kids... any more.

Come on!

Shit!

Come on!

Fuck! Fuck! Fuck you! Fuck!

Shit!

Oh, come on!

Fresh garbage, buddy.

David Hasselhoff? Yeah!

This will fetch so many Deutschmarks on the market.

Even the hobo loves the Hoff. Let me guess. German.

Why does everyone keep saying that? It's so strange.

But enough about me. What's wrong with you? You look so sad.

You're like a sad, sad man.

Speak to me, sad man, of your sadness.

I feel like the whole world is taking a gigantic piss on my head.

I can relate to this so hard. Just this morning a Schnauzer pissed on my face.

But it's okay. It's karma. You know why?

Because two days ago I was urinating on his face. What?

When life shits on you, you shit right back.

Yes. That actually makes a lot of sense right now.

I know, right? It's why I fling faeces at people I don't like.

Not you, though. You're very, very nice.

You're like a Mr Miyagi with a toupee minus 20 years and 20 pounds.

You're, like, waxing on and off all day long! I love you!

Also, can I give you a hand job for a dollar?

No? How about a beer?

Okay. You like to drink, probably?

Yes, I'm a raging alcoholic.

Shit!

Hey. The hand job's on me.

You eyeing me now? You want a go? You judge me all you want!

It ain't my fault Mama's Family was cancelled in 1986.

And like the Dark Knight said, it is always darkest before the dawn.

I'm a good person and I'm stronger than you know and I will persevere with my dignity!

Annie? I'm not breaking in.

I really need to talk to you. Shit's gone really bad.

I'm so sorry about what happened the other night.

I said a lot of things that I regret.

Annie?

No, no, no. Chris, hey, hey.

Jesus Christ! Really, you chose to come out of the shower right now?

What are you doing here? What am I doing here? What...?

So you said you were gonna talk to Ann?

I did talk... Huh, pal?

I did talk to her!

Chris! Chris!

Where's Susan?

I don't know. Oh...

It's a sebaceous cyst. It's not a big deal.

Fuck! Fuck!


When life shits on you... you shit right back.

Hi, Fish. Hey.

I don't know how to play this game.

Is that moustache real? Of course it's real.

I'm sorry, you're... You're looking good.

Do you want a grilled cheese sandwich? No, I'm fine.

You sure? I had the nurse make it. It's Colby.

I'm actually in the middle of a very exciting experiment.

Every day I get a different sandwich with the same cheese in it.

Which cheese is winning?

Well, it's the same cheese every time. It's a Colby.

If you're not gonna eat that... it's gonna go to waste.

Because I'm telling you now, Sebastian will not touch it.

He's over there. Look. Lifting weights. Look at him.

So muscly.

Don't stare at him. That's what he wants you to do.

He likes it when you look.

God, I'm so sorry. You really lost your mind.

I don't think I've lost it. I think it's been misplaced.

That's why I'm here. Yeah.

I'm looking for it. Searching around, you know?

While we're on the subject of losing minds, I feel like I've... I've misplaced mine.

I heard that you molested some kids. No. No...

What the fuck you doing that for? No.

I'm going off what I heard.

I just found out that Ann is fucking Tommy.

What the fuck?!

Ann is actually Tommy? No, no, no. No.

That makes sense!

You can see it. They're never in the same room at the same time.

No, they are. They are. A lot.

They're in the same room a lot. That makes no sense.

No, my best friend is fucking Ann!

I am not! You know what? You get out! Security!

G'day, mate. Just another grilled cheese sandwich.

Yep. Two eyes. One pointer. Not you. Tommy!

Right. Yeah.

I see.

I'm not your best friend.

I meant to say...

Tommy's my second-best friend.

Good. Okay. That's more like it.

In fact, that's classic second-best-friend behaviour.

I feel for you.

My life is in shambles, man.

The only way I can deal with it is...

I have to kill Hasselhoff.

Yeah. It's the only way to turn my life around.

To win the death pool money.

He's had a pretty good life. Yes, yeah.

Exactly. I'm not a murderer. I don't want to do this. I'm not like Dexter.

Fuck, no. You're not Dexter. No.

You kidding me? Yeah.

He plans things out. He's meticulous. Thank you.

Shh, shh, shh.

Just keep things on the down. Before Sebastian and I became buddies I actually wrote a list in my journal of the many ways I wanted to kill Sebastian.

Now, it's pretty much endless.

Well, it's three pages, but... Check it out. Look.

Gun, okay?

Rope. Candlestick.

I was playing a board game at the time when I came up with those ones.

Horse accident. Is he into horses?

No. I don't think so.

A monkey attack. Scarf caught on sidecar.

You got a sidecar? No. No.

Mortal Combat?

That's a game. Yeah.

Bullfight. Mm.

Difficult.

Funny berries? Just sort of get him to come over.

"Hey, look at these funny berries I found in your garden.

I've had a couple. They're fine."

Sinkhole? You hear about those big holes that suddenly appear?

It was on the news. Half a town's been swallowed up?

Get him into one of those towns.

Anyway, it's all in there. You take it. It's out of my hands now, see?

Now, don't show that to Sebastian on your way out, will you?

I know what you're thinking. I've mended my bridges.

This is for you, to burn yours.

Thank you so much. Thank you, Fish.

Get well. All right. Good.

Wait! Check it out.

David Hasselhoff has a shellfish allergy.

That's my phone. Yeah, sorry about that. I just...

I've learnt a bit of light finger in here.

Anyway, that could help you out. Shellfish allergy.

Okay. Thanks. Okay. All right. Go.

Oh, wait.

Here.

Thirty Lorazepaz, all right?

It says do not mix with grapefruit juice. Could cause fatal reaction.

Might help you on your job.

Okay, thank you. Okay. Good.

You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. Absolutely.

Wait!

Take that as well. Quick, before they see the switch.

I'm fine.

All right. Time to kill Hasselhoff.

To be clear, this isn't about me.

I'm doing society a favour.

Okay, maybe it is about me, but I had to gather some intel first.

Cover your grey chest hair.

David Hasselhoff! I come bearing wonderful gifts.

Is your manager like the Penguin or something?

Eight fantastic scripts.

Not interested. What, you didn't get my email last night?

Yeah, I got it.

Are you drinking again? No, no.

No.

So you were thinking clearly when you sent me that email that said two words: superhero musical?

Superhero musical? Crystal. Let's go down the list.

First of all, I have the voice of an angel.

I look phenomenal in tights. I'm stronger than most men.

Even though I don't have superhuman strength per se, I...

All right. Let's just not forget something.

You're David Hasselhoff. You're not Christian Bale.

Whoa! Whoa. Whoa. Let me finish.

Christian Bale wishes he was David Hasselhoff.

Thank you. Come on. I'm super famous all over the world.

I mean, hell, in half of Europe I am a goddamn superhero!

Barry, I know what your problem is.

When you look at me you see this perfectly chiselled tanned exterior.

What you don't see underneath is this complicated human heart I have.

I wanna show the world the real me. I wanna go full Hoff.

Just read one script! I'm begging you. Please!

Look, if it's a rights issue, we could create our own superhero.

Like... Electric Man.

He could shoot lightning bolts out of his dick.

It isn't a rights issue. What?

Do you remember what we talked about last week?

Obtainable goals. Obtainable.

Barry, I have driven a talking car.

I have saved people's lives from mutant electric eels.

On TV! And in real life.

You have an autograph signing in two hours. Let's just focus on that.

Because that is real.

And I am a goddamn certified modern-day superhero.

And I am going to prove it to you. Love you.

Mean it.

Great. Now I've gotta kill a guy who shoots lightning out of his dick.

Sit down.

Sit. May I?

Please, relax.

I realise this is probably a highly unpleasant situation for you so let's do some deep breathing so as to better centre ourselves.

What do you say?

All right.

There. All better.

I want you to tell me where I can find Chris Kim.

I don't know where he is. Bullshit. Start talking, lady.

It's... it's the truth. I swear. He thinks I slept with his best friend.

I haven't been in touch with him. Who gives a fuck?

Chris tells me that you two share a joint bank account?

I would like to see that. It's basically empty.

Chris is terrible with money. He's in way over his head.

Yes. He is. Please don't hurt him.

Little lady, please don't be confused by my tranquillity.

You're sitting with a man who does bad things to good people.

Whoa, whoa. Hey, hey.

Hey.

You can check. There's nothing.

My cheque book is in there. You can...

You expect me to believe he has nothing? No investments?

No 401K? IRA? Nothing at all?

He doesn't have any investments. He's...

Unless David Hasselhoff drops dead, he's basically destitute.

Wait. Whoa. Excuse me. What was that?

He doesn't have any money. Not that part. The talking-car guy.

What are you talking about? Hasselhoff.

Chris is in some stupid celebrity death pool with his friends.

If David Hasselhoff dies, he wins something like a half a million dollars.

Half-mil if the Hoff kicks the bucket? Fuck me. I want a piece of that.

Yeah, you know what? I do too.

All right. Thank you very much for your time. We'll see ourselves out.

Nick, what's the name of that place we passed on the way in?

Cattleman's? Yeah. I could use a steak.

Sounds good. Maybe a blooming onion. Should I leave this closed or open?

I'll just leave it open.

Be damned if this jacket doesn't fit just like a glove.

David, you look great. Like a second skin, Barry.

You know, I hate to sound egotistical, but if I was a woman, I would...

You'd do yourself. Yes, I know. You said that inside already.

And honestly, buddy, there's no way to say that without sounding egotistical, so you just might wanna pump the brakes on that one.

Okay, let's get going. We're running late.

KITT, calculate time to destination. Calculating, Michael.

Time to destination: 12 minutes, 14.63 seconds.

Oh, no, no. I missed a spot.

Thanks, buddy. Seriously?

How much is he paying you? Nothing. He...

He's hooking me up with a part in his superhero musical, man.

But there is no superhero mu... But there will be.

There will be. KITT, engage super pursuit mode.

Super pursuit mode engaged, Michael.

If you've never been, let me assure you that Venice Beach is batshit crazy.

So if ever there was a town where I could blend in and inconspicuously kill the star of "Knight Rider", this was it.

Whoa. Spend a lot of time in the panty-grab, huh? Just kidding!

Hi. Excuse me. Can I have one large pizza?

Here you go. Keep the change. Thank you, sir.

Thank you very much.

Jessica and Rose.

Wow! You look good in that bathing suit.

Hell, you'll never drown!

There you go, Rose. Have a lovely day and call me later.

I loved you as Nick Fury.

You look just like me. Barry, get his number.

If I ever wanna fuck myself, I'll give you a call.

Excuse me, excuse me.

Special delivery coming through. Excuse me.

Barry, feeling a little dry.

Next.

Sorry about that. Sorry. Excuse me.

So sorry about that. I'm sorry. Excuse me. I'm sorry.

Hell, no. Are you tryin' to cut?

I'm not trying to cut and get an autograph.

I'm here to make a special delivery to your overlord.

Each of us aspires to receive sage wisdom from the Hoff.

Yeah! That's right, yeah!

What is with you guys? Are you guys, like, a gang?

We're just fans, bro. Hoff army! Hoff army!

Dude, and, like, that's normal? I'm sorry. Am I not normal?

Oh, you're very normal, Professor Klump, and by the way the Fat Albert call-backs are down the street.

Fat Albert? Hey, dickhead!

What about me? Am I normal?

More or less, midget John Stamos.

Fuck you, man. Let me go.

Okay! Hey! Hey!

Hey, hey, hey!

Get the buoy!

Ladies and gentlemen, the Hoff will take a ten-minute break.

He'll be back to sign your autographs. But don't worry.

There's a huge after party at my house.

Excuse me. Could we wrap up this beating, please?

I have other things to do today. No!

Yeah, that worked out well. Obviously I suck at murdering.

And now my life is about to get a whole lot more complicated.

You Nick?

So Redix, huh?

What's that? First name, last name, nickname?

One word. Redix. Like Madonna.

Cher. Jewel.

Redix. Oh.

Chocolate cake. Okay.

So, Redix, are you up to speed on what Wasserstein needs you to do?

Oh, yeah, baby.

It's a shame, though. I'm a fan of David Hasselhoff.

Yeah. He a beautiful man.

Tall. Wonderful hair. Sexy motherfucker.

Mm-mm. Yeah, yeah, I know what you mean.

Got, like, that Tom Selleck thing going on. You know what I'm saying?

Except without the Selleck 'stache.

Could you imagine Hasselhoff with a Selleck 'stache? Oh...

Damn. I'm getting hard just thinking about that.

What, are you gay? Yeah, you got a problem with that?

No! I just... I mean, I would never... I mean, look at...

Yeah, I get it.

You're fucking with me. That's good. You almost got me.

Didn't your mom ever tell you not to judge a book by its cover?

Yeah, but... But? But? But nothing.

Let's get one thing straight.

I'm a gigantic rage-filled mocha-skinned badass and I kill people for a living. So, yeah, my cover's hard as fuck.

But inside it's a gay-ass book, baby.

Who's a motherfucker gotta blow to get some milk around here?

Here, take my milk. I ain't drinking your milk!

Why not? That's gross.

You took my cake. Cake's one thing. Milk's another.

A man needs his own cup of milk.

You put dicks in your mouth and you won't drink my milk?

You pour some milk inside a dick, I'll drink that shit.

But I ain't drinking it out of your nasty-ass cup.

You people confuse the hell outta me. Black people?

No! Gay people. Okay. Okay.

I'm fine with that. That's confusing to some people. I get it.

After having the shit kicked out of me by those Hoff-loving carnies, it was time for plan B.


Hey, man. You Korean?

Nah, Chinese, dude. Close enough.

Gena Lee Nolin. You still look hot.

Twenty years and you still look hot. Thank you.

You look the same as on Baywatch. Thank you!

You got my money, funny boy?

Winslow! Holy mother of God, you scared the shit out of me.

Grapefruit juice.

I haven't slept in days, player. You know what's up.

Life in the service industry. You know what I'm sayin', player?

Zoink! Gotta take care of Mr Jack Hoff over there.

Jack Hoff!

Cos he's a jack-off.

Do you know how many orgies this guy ruined with his weird sound effects?

I mean, God. The old favourite?

Oh, please. Oh, God.

Mr Hasselhoff, I know you don't indulge.

No, thank you, thank you, thank you. Everybody, listen up!

A toast! They say in life there are no second acts.

And what do I say to them?

Fuck Hoff!

I mean, sometimes there's five acts and the finale!

And then an encore!

To the encore!

Robot needs juice.

Do you ever stop?

Is there anyone at this party I like?

Me? How about a three-way?

Rick Fox.

The most attractive man in the NBA.

David Hasselhoff. The most attractive man in Hollywood.

Hoff and the Fox! Yeah! Fox and the Hoff!

Well, see you around.

Let's do this again sometime. Okay.

Caitlyn Jenner.

You haven't changed a bit! Come here, you old motherfucker.

I need everybody's attention!

Uh...

No, no, no, no!

All right... Save him! Weren't you a lifeguard?

No. No, I just played one on TV.

Better save him, David. It's a huge liability.

Oh! Ah! Shit!

Why is he running in slow motion?


Okay. All right. Okay.

All right.

One, two, three, four, five. Breathe.

He's not breathing. I need some help.

Little man, come here, help me. Okay, when I say breathe, you breathe.

One, two, three, four, five. Breathe.

One, two, three, four, five. Breathe, little man.

One, two, three, four, five. Come on, Michael, come on.

Oh! Oh, oh, yeah.

Oh, no. Oh, whoa.

He's choking. Hang on, I got you, I got you, I got you.

All right, little man, you okay?

Barry! Where the hell have you been?

I just saved two people's lives. You were in there getting a hand job.

You are fired for the next five minutes until I calm down.

I think The Black Keys got their name from this toy keyboard, which is odd.

You never hear about the white keys.

They'd be a bigger group. They must have come here at some point.

Focus. Foc... I'm in the focus group.

No, no, no. What's going on? I'm focusing.

Now. Now. What's going on?

Yesterday we had soup, but it was off. They said it was seafood chowder.

It was just off. Tonight it's Scrabble night. I'm the only one playing.

Chris is gonna kill Hasselhoff. Line up your slippers.

Go back. Go back. Line up your slippers?

Chris is gonna... Chris is gonna kill Hasselhoff.

I gotta go find Hoff's house.

No, he's gonna kill Hassel... I tried to stop him!

But I may have given him some murder ideas.

Sebastian, they weren't meant for you. They were not meant for you.

They were meant for you, but we changed. We're a mended bridge.

Do you like The Black Keys?


Barry!

Hi, David. Hey, you really gotta read this script.

It's about the guy that founded Toys For Tits.

Tots. Toys For Tots.

Toys For Tits. That's a better title. Now that's a script I'd read.

Okay, so nothing I tried was working to off the Hoff.

This guy just won't die. So I had to resort to more drastic measures.

Excuse me, little girl. Do you know of any Glocks in the area?

Hi, hi, hi. Excuse me.

Hi. Hi.

What's up, bro? Can I help you, man?

Yeah, I would, um... I'd...

I don't know how to phrase this. Phrase what, amigo?

Ah, ah, ah, ah. Spit it out, bro. A gun.

I... I need a gun. A gun. Oh! You're asking me for a gun?

So you assume because I'm Latino and I'm walking down the street that I just know where you can get a gun, bro?

Okay, when you put it that way, I understand...

You're in my heart, bro.

I like to think in this day and age, with the colour of my skin, it doesn't dictate whether I know where you can buy a gun.

No, it's not about the colour...

What else do you want? Drugs?

An empanada recipe? Let me guess.

Directions to George Lopez's house?!

Please don't stab me in the neck. I'm a bleeder.

Got you!

Homie, I'm just messing with you, bro. I was workshopping my Latino accent.

Check it, check it, check it, check it. I'm an actor.

Oh!

Yeah, Big-Time Rush. You ever see that?

No, no.

No? Fuck it. Look, um... I am now selling guns as my day job.

Oh, how wonderful! Yeah.

I love it when actors get work. Yeah, man. Do you have 300 bucks?

Sorry. I have 200.

Two hundred. Look, I'll make it work.

Meet me round the corner, all right? Si.

Bye, vato.

David, do I have to even ask?

My superhero is a master of swords. A swordsmith.

Is that a word? Swordsmith?

There is no superhero musical. Maybe not now, but there will be.

Pull!

Pull!

There's no superhero musical.

Okay, I'm running out of options and time.

I need to get close to Hoff again.

Gotta love social media. Nice photo, you well-coiffed prick.

Can I help you? Yeah. Is this Mr Hasselhoff?

Depends on who the fuck you are.

Uh... I'm... I'm Chris. From Bird Oasis.

I know you normally come into the office but we had some issues with this employee who worked on your two cockatoos last.

I don't mean to cause any alarm but...

This employee wasn't doing anything sexual, was he?

What? No, no, that's a really weird conclusion to draw.

There's been issues with the medications.

We decided to do some house calls on our very important...

All right. Come on in. Thank you.

That means "How are you?" in German. You say, "Gut."

Gut.

That means "good". Come on in.

Gorgeous. Who is she?

That's me. Gut. Okay.

Beautiful room. Ah, thanks.

I had it custom-built for my babies here, Dolce and Gabbana.

You look familiar.

Yeah, I'm, uh... Chris from Bird Oasis.

No, no. It's the mouth.

Uh... I'm, uh... I, uh... I do some... mouth modelling?

Crest White Strips commercial. Okay.

Damn, I'm good! You were good in that commercial, too.

Great mouth. Anyway, make yourself at home and take care of my babies.

Call me if you need me.

# Hoff stuff, baby, want some Hoff stuff

# Free at last, kill the Hoff, kill the Hoff

# Kill the Hoff, kill the Hoff

# Kill the Hoff Huh? Nothing?

I'm glad we had this talk, Dolce.

Where was I? Oh, yeah, I gotta kill your boss.

Let's do this shit. I'm gonna do this.

What the fuck am I doing?

I can't. Put down the gun, Chris.

Jesus Christ!

Did you hear that?

David! I think I heard a gunshot.

Barry, it's just the TV. Relax, bro.

Read your scripts.

What are you doing here? Trying to stop you from shooting.

You're making a huge mistake. You fucking Ann was a huge mistake!

I told you I didn't have sex with her. It was Susan, her roommate.

I told you I wanted to fuck her, like, 45 times.

What?! Ah...

She's engaged. Yes, I know. And you know what? I don't care.

I saw Annie half-naked in her apartment with you!

Unfortunate that she was coming out of the shower at that time, but you of all fucking people should understand a crazy mishap.

Do you need proof? I don't need fucking proof.

Well, look at the... Whoa. Whoa.

Wow. That is a lot of piercings for one vagina.

Look.

Happy? Happy?

And this way. I was angry.

Angry. Yeah.

What the fuck am I thinking, dude?

Gotta get the fuck out of here!

Shit! Fuck!

Large guy with a Glock. Was that part of your plan?

This is my first murder, dude. I'm just making this shit up as I go along, man.

I really fucked up.

Man, I just... I fucked up.

We're all gonna fucking die if the Glock...

Don't be a fatalistic little bitch. We'll get you the money somehow.

Ann still loves you, asshole, okay?

So screw your debt. Screw the club. She loves you.

That's all that matters. Let's get out of here.

Oh, whoa, whoa. Oh, shit! Oh!

Okay, don't shoot. Nobody shoot.

Says the fool with the Ginsu.

Who the fuck are you?

Who the fuck am I? Who the fuck are we?

Hey, Chris. We've come to help you off the Hoff.

And we're gonna take all that cash money.

I can't wait to kill some people up in here.

You can't kill me because if you do, I can't collect the money to pay Wasserstein.

I bet you could collect the money missing some of your fingers.

Then the money would have blood over it. Who wants to have bloody money?

Shut the fuck up! You got jumps? No. No, no.

Please, don't make me pull the trigger.

You just call me nigger? What? No!

Cos it sounded like you said nigger. No, no, no!

I said don't make me pull the nigger! Trigger!

Nigger?!

I heard it that time for sure. Not nigger!

I'll shoot the first white motherfucker!

I'll tell you what I do! I do that!

Everybody, stop saying nigger!

Hey, what's going on?

What? Wait! What? Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh, I get it. You're looking for Ted Nugent's house.

That's two doors down.

Happens all the time. If you like, I'll walk you over.

Yeah, you're not in charge, Hoff.

Little Asian guy's in charge.

Specifically in charge of what happens to you.

Well, what's gonna happen to me?

You know what? That's a pretty fair question. Here's the thing, Hoff...

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Listen, tough guy.

You want something to do with my client, you gotta go through me.

With pleasure.

You shot me in the foot!

Oh, it's in there deep! Run!

Oh, my God!

He's so much more handsome in person. So tall.

My foot hurts, but by heart feels great.

Stop thinking with your dick and go after him! I'll get those two assholes!

My bad, my bad! You're right, you're right!

You fuckers!

Where's your car? I Uber'd it.

Uber'd it? Who Ubers to a murder?

Catch! That was our only gun!

Jeez!

Drop it.

Shit! Fuck!

What do you people want with me, anyway?

I've never done anything to anybody.

I got half a million reasons and they all green, baby.

Is this about money?

You put a hit out on the Hoff for money?

Memorabilia, you know, it's quite a big thing.

I got... I got bathing suits from Baywatch!

I stole one from every one of the girls from the dressing rooms.

Yeah. Yeah, I got the Knight Rider car outside.

You know KITT? You could sell KITT. Lot of money.

Lot of money for KITT, yeah.

I like all that shit. I'm a fan. I am. Good.

But I work for a greedy motherfucker that wants you dead.

So, yeah, I love Baywatch. Knight Rider, that was my jam.

Oh! When I was 16 years old, I taped three pieces of red liquorice to the dashboard of my Toyota Celica.

Drove around like I was Michael Knight on adventures and shit.

I flew my ass to Gutenberg, Germany, to watch you perform two nights.

Both nights you blew the roof off. Thank you. Thank you.

Amazing show. Thank you.

Every Fräulein in that spot had her panties wet.

I didn't wanna leave Germany. Okay. I get it. Thank you.

But I got a job to do.

So turn that candy ass around.

Don't give me those baby blues.

Don't you do it.

Don't give me that winning smile. Don't you dare.

Turn that ass around!

Yeah, real slow, like.

Oh, good God.

Look at that back.

So shiny. Look like a planetarium.

I just wanna fly my rocket ship through your space.

I'll tell you what, another time, another place, I'd tear that ass up.

Yeah, baby.

That's what I'm talking about.

Just look out at the water. Okay.

Think about saving some buxom bitch.

Wha... What?

Can I ask you a question?

You ever thought about growing a Selleck 'stache?

Days like this make life worth living. I gotta be honest with you guys.

I've never killed anyone in a house this nice.

You wanna be a reality TV star? I can make that happen.

The... The... The Real Hitman of Los Angeles!

Just drop the gun. I'll set the whole thing up.

I hate reality shows. I'm more of a scripted guy.

One, two, three.

Dang! Fucking teeth!

Chris!

You killed my best friend.

This ends right fucking now.

Yes, it does, cocksucker!

Don't rape me.

I mean, kill me first and then you can rape me. That's okay.

Fool! Do I look like a rapist to you? I don't rape nobody!

I make love to my puppies.

When you're backed into a corner...

When life pushes you in one direction... and your heart tells you to go in another direction...

You gotta dig deep. Yeah.

Find the courage to make the right choice.

Yeah. You do.

It may not be easy. No.

But easy ain't always right.

That's episode 213 of Baywatch.

Crack Crack Goes The Waves. Yeah.

When Hobie bought all that crack and was smokin' it with the kids at the beach.

Started homin' out the other girls.

You had to yell at him! You gave him that speech!

I wrote that scene. Man, I'm so conflicted.

I don't know what to do. Okay.

Do I kill you or do I make sweet love to you?

Is there another choice?

Those are the only two choices we got, baby.

Either I murder you right here or I murder that ass.

No, I... I just don't know what I'm gonna do.

I'll tell you what you're not gonna do! Kill my best friend!

Oh, man!

Get the fuck out of here!

Damn it, Redix! You're letting your dick get in the way of your gun!

You need to kill this beautiful man. Fuck this shit!

Yeah. Fuck this shit.

Didn't anybody ever tell you not to bring a knife to a gunfight?

Didn't anyone ever tell you not to hassle the Hoff?


Dick! You shot me in the dick!

You okay? You saved my life.

Are you okay? Yeah.

Bullet just grazed my head, I think.

Let's get out of here. Wait, wait, wait. Not yet.

Fuck.

You pulled a ninja sword off the wall, dared a black man with a gun to shoot you in the face, then you deflected the bullet like a fly!

I ain't gonna lie.

That's the sexiest shit I seen in my life.

Don't shoot him, please!

Shoot him? I'm about to suck Michael Knight's dick!

You should have seen the shit I saw!

It was like MacGyver fucked Batman with Iron Man's dick!

I quit!

Barry, you hear that?

Batman. Superhero. And this nigger can sing!

The musical! I'm telling you, I know what I'm talking about!

Get on the phone. Call the heads of all the studios.

This is gonna be huge!

You disgust me. No, no! Don't shoot him!

Chris! No!

Chris!

Freeze!

Fish? How did you get here?

I got a ride here with my new friend Sebastian.

If you even think about blinking...

Hoff didn't die, right? No.

Keep freezing. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. So sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Chris! Chris!

Chris!

I'm still alive. Okay, I'm still sorry.

Okay. I'm sorry. I was about to fall asleep.

Did you blink? Ow, man.

Be honest. When I turned away, did you blink?

Y'all got a dick Band-Aid or some shit?

Ann?

My family wants to have me committed, but...

I have a little surprise for you.

What are you doing here? I tried to kill you, like, two times.

But you didn't. You saved my life.

And in the process, man, Jesus, you almost got yourself killed.

How are you feeling?

Lucky. Really, really lucky. Oh. You didn't hear.

That Wasserstein guy? He's dead.

When the Hoff army found out he put a hit on me, he didn't stand a chance.

You know, I am not surprised.

They are an especially aggressive bunch.

That midget, that red-headed man...

Chris, Tommy explained everything about the death pool.

I've decided to invest some money in the club and help you renovate it.

On one condition. You stop playing the death pool.

You're right. You're absolutely right. I am so sorry, David, and I officially withdraw from the death pool.

That's my man!

Now, you got a girl named Ann sitting right next to you who loves you more than you deserve. Don't let her regret it.

I won't.

I love you. I love you too.

Well, looks like my work here is done.

All's well that ends well, right?

Fish is now out of the mental ward, Tommy didn't have sex with Ann and I don't owe anyone any money. And David Hasselhoff?

Let's be honest, that guy's gonna outlive all of us.

Kid Cudi! Whoa!

Shit! David fucking Hasselhoff!

How are you? You look awesome.

You too. You just don't fucking age. No, neither do you.

Ladies, listen, everything I know about crushing pussy and solving crimes I learned from Michael Knight. And that's the truth.

Yes, yes. Hey.

Oh. Wait. You still remember our secret handshake!

Of course. Boom! In the holster. You still got it.

Like a disease. Yeah. Ladies, enjoy the night.

Cudi, enjoy the ladies.

Can't believe this, dude!

It's so fucking crazy. I don't deserve this.

Hey, you took a bullet to the chest. You deserve this.

I think we're the luckiest people in the world.

I love you so much.

Come on, you guys. There's people watching.

Hey, Tommy. Lot of top-shelf pussy here tonight.

I could get used to running a club like this. Lot of fun, you know?

There's no memorising lines, no cars or tits upstaging me.

I like it!

Chris, you gonna change your pick for the death pool?

No, I'm out. No more death pool. I got everything I need right here.

And I don't have anything against David. I respect him.

They found someone to take my spot? Don't worry. We got a guy.

Can I have Chris Kim to the stage?

I'm sorry. Show time. See you.

Chris Kim to the stage. Who took Chris's spot in the pool?

Er, well...

Well... I did.

No way! Who did you pick? I picked myself.

We all gotta die someday. Might as well make a few bucks on it.

Cheers!

I'd like to welcome everybody to the grand reopening of Habitat! Give it up!

Okay.

I'm so excited. I wanna introduce my new friend, my new business partner.

And, hell, he's my new fucking idol, David Hasselhoff!

Thank you! Thank you very much! Give it up for Chris Kim!

I must admit...

I must admit I haven't known him very long and at first he actually wanted me dead.

But when it counted most he had my very toned back, so this goes out to all the lovers and all the creamers and all the screamers.

To you...

And to Chris Kim.

Hit it, Joey.

Oh, come on now. We're gonna crush it.

You know I'm gonna crush it.

Here we go now. Come on.

# You know I crush it almost all the time

# Not just a pretty face, I got a brilliant mind

# Of course I got haters but I don't got the time

# They don't matter to me because the world is mine

# I can't lose cos I don't quit

# So get out of my face cos you know that I'll be crushing it

# You know I'm fucking crushing it

# Yeah, I'm fucking crushing it

# I crush it down, I crush it down pat

# Rolling in my car with the bitches in the back

# If you try to second me I'm gonna have to attack Look out! # Now tell me

# What you gonna do about that Oh! # I can't lose cos I don't quit

# So get out of my way cos you know that I'll be crushing it

# Oh, I'm crushing it

# Oh, oh

# Oh, I'm crushing it

# Oh, oh

# You know I'm fucking crushing it

# Oh, oh

# I am, I'm fucking crushing it Everybody!

# The Hoff is crushing it # Oh

# The Hoff is crushing it

# Oh, yeah

# You know the Hoff crushing it

# Oh Goddamn! He's fucking crushing it!

# Oh, baby, oh

# The Hoff is crushing it

# The Hoff is crushing it

# Oh

# Go to the man

# Ooh, ooh

# Ooh

# Ooh, crushing it down

# He's crushing it down

Where to, David?

Wherever there is injustice.

Wherever there's someone in need of a hero.

Wherever there are women.

I could use a tune-up, David.

Whatever you like, pal. The night is young and I'm ready to roll.

Well, guess Hasselhoff is the man.

No, no, no. Hasselhoff is the fucking man.

Turbo boost? Turbo boost engaged.

Okay. You're good. I'm fine.

Man, look at you. Have you... Have you... Have you gained weight?

That's a good look on you. Yeah.

I love that. I've been drinking.

That's why I'm here.

You know, I'm looking for him. Searching around, you know.

No!

Push it through the other side! Don't push it through the other...

I actually made a list of the ways I wanna kill him.

Leeches.

Oh, could do with going to Amazon.

Come for a quick trip there. Don't wear your trousers.

Rack of wedding dresses. What the fuck...?

Get after him! Get after him! I need a second to be alone.

Ah, come on. Come on.

Come on.

God. Oh, God, that's...

Freddie Mercury. Oh, no.

That should just say "mercury".

Either I kill you or we have sex right on this cow-ass carpet right here.

That... That's from Rawhide and...

And we... It's gonna get rawhide. No, no.

We abouts to get rawhide.

That's a lot of money. There's a lot of things in my house that are worth...

I want you to put a lot of things in my house.

No. When I say house, I mean my asshole.

Whoa. Whoa. Yeah.

Were you... were you ever imprisoned?

Voluntarily.

Voluntarily!

# The Hoff! We're gonna kill the Hoff!

# We're gonna kill him and maybe eat him

# No, too much

Ruptured appendix.

Not funny. He's gonna die with that.

Just... just subtly rupture his appendix.

Um...

Put a tie on too... too tight.

Gotta go to the wedding! I'll help you with that. Fuck, he's dead!

It fucking didn't work!

Fat man's hugs.

Okay, yeah, yeah. I just had a bit of fun at the end.

Oh, my God!

Those are the only two choices we got, baby.

You know what? There's gotta be another choice.

No, man. Either I murder you right here or I murder that ass.

No, there's, there's... Let's think of a third choice together.

I ain't got one. Please.

Things come in twos. No, I...

No, they don't. They come... They do?

Only. Things only...

Bullfight. Okay. Dress up as a bull.

Sinkhole. You hear about those big holes that suddenly appear?

It was on the news? Half a town's been swallowed up.

Get him into one of those towns.

Oh, fuck you!

Ah, acting. Somebody has to do it.