Kindergarten Cop (1990) Script

Excuse me.


You shouldn't be here.

I know. Ask for at least $1,000, okay?

I'll get as much as I can. You hide.

His wife took his kid and a couple of million, and we won't get a thousand.

Shut up and stay hidden.

I told him I was coming alone.

Hey, Mr. Crisp.

How's it going?

You said you had information about my family.

Yeah, yeah, I do.

Well, let's have it.

Well, it's going to cost you.

Like $1,000?

Okay, that's obviously not my final offer.

750 would be fine.

I mean, more than fine.

Just tell me what you have, Danny, and I'll take good care of you.


That sounds fair.

I was doing a delivery for Corky last week out of state, and I ran into your ex.

How'd she look?

She looked great, Mr. Crisp. Yeah.

She changed her hair and stuff, but she looked like a million dollars.

In fact, she looked like about $3 million.

Did she see you?

No. I was changing a tire, and suddenly, there she was across the street, taking her kid into this school.

My boy?

Looked great.

He looked very healthy.

It's a real nice, healthy place where they're living.

It snows in winter there.

Danny, where are they?

At the school where I saw them...

Astoria Elementary School.


It's in Astoria, Oregon.

All right.

Did you tell anyone else this?

No. No way.

Hey, I'm not stupid, Mr. Crisp.

You're not?


Danny! No!



Get up!

Don't you die on me!

I didn't kill him. I didn't kill him.

Was it Crisp?

I don't know. I didn't see anything.

I was in a box over there...

What are you doing?

Hey, hey, hey!

Stop it! Don't do that!

Don't go anywhere.

Let me go!

No! Let me off of him!

I don't like what you've done. I really don't like it.

It feels terrible, and it looks dreadful.

I'm trying my best.

Maybe your best isn't good enough.

I'm back.

Oh, great. Well, that was fast.

It was easy.

I have some great, exciting, wonderful news, Mother.

Oh, you always exaggerate, Cullen.

Everything is always great, terrific.

So, what's so great?

I just found out where they're hiding.

Are you serious? You really know where he is?

Manicure, Mr. Crisp?

Oh, how could I say no to you?

Tell me.

What's happened?

Just let me handle this myself, Mother.

I know what I'm doing.

Everything is under control.

It's all right. I'm a police officer.

Crisp, you're under arrest.

Put your hands on your head and get up!

Kimble, not again!

Your hands!

They're up. When will you leave me alone?

Drop the gun! Drop the gun!

Hey, I'm a police officer. This is an arrest.

This man's crazy. Look at him.

He'll kill me. You're just going to stand there?


I'm a cop!

I'm Detective John Kimble. This man is under arrest.

I'm checking.

You can't just walk in here and put a gun in my face.

I'm trying to get a manicure.

I have witnesses.

I have a witness, too.

It's murder one this time.

Now you're mine.

The bastard handcuffed me to a dead man!

A dead man!

Come on. Sit down.

Now, did Danny ever say what Crisp's wife looked like?


Did he ever say what name she was using in Oregon?

He didn't say anything.

Look, I just want to go home.

After the lineup, I'll drive you home. I'll even buy you dinner.

I'll even cook you dinner.

I'm not doing any lineup, and there ain't jack shit you can do about it!

I've been after Crisp for four years, and she's letting my key witness walk away?

Kimble, sit down!

Sit down.

Sit. Sit.

Now listen to me. He killed your boyfriend.

All you have to do is point your finger, and we can put him away for 30 years.

He wasn't my boyfriend. I hardly knew the guy.

I know you're in there.

I know what you want, but you ain't getting it.

No lineup, no testimony.

So shove your handcuffs up your ass!

Now let me out of here!

Slow down!

Open it and let me out!

O'Hara, meet Kimble.

Kimble's been on this a long time.


Let me take care of Cindy.

She'll make Crisp. I guarantee it.

What are you going to do, handcuff her to your car and take her for a ride?

I'm not going to offer to cook her dinner.

Kimble, hold on a second. I...

Difficult man. Got to get to know him.

Oh, I can't wait.


Hey, baby.

What you mean, "Hey, baby?"


Oh, excuse me.

I forgot to introduce myself.

My name is John Kimble, And I love my car.

I'll keep an eye on it for you.

You got a beautiful ride.

Shit. Who does he think he is? He's lucky I didn't kick his ass.

Open up.

You can't come in.

Thank you.

What the fuck?

All right, party's over. Everyone go home.

Next time, my place.

So who are you, man?


I'm the party-pooper.

Hi, Cindy.

Do you mind if I sit down?

No. Sit down, man.

Oh, it's so nice to see you again.

What are you doing here, you asshole?

Cindy, I don't like you using foul language, not a classy girl like you.

Don't you have anything better to do?

You don't understand.

I have nothing else to do, and I have nowhere else to go.

Why are you staring at me like that?

I like you, Cindy.

I'm going to be around you a lot.

Days, nights, weekends, holidays.

No. No, you can't.

Yes, I can.

I'm going to hang out with you until the end of time.

All right, move it in. Let's go.

Step onto the numbers.

Face front.

Everybody, hands to your side.

That's the creep.


Number five. That's him.

Good. Very good.

Mr. Crisp, you will be remanded into custody until your trial.

Bailiff, remove the prisoner.

Shh. Don't say anything. Just take it easy. I'll take care of it. Trust me.

You know what to do?

I'm your mother, aren't I?

Mind if I talk to my friend a little bit?

I'm not talking to anybody without my lawyer.

He's right in here.

You give me the names of your drug suppliers and distributors, and I'll tell the judge what a nice, cooperative killer you are.

You think the jury's going to convict me on the testimony of that junkie?

You could be right.

But what about your wife?

You remember her?

All that hard-earned drug money she stole from you?

How much was it, $3 million?

I bet she would make a much better witness.

Kimble, you've wasted years chasing after me, and what has it gotten you, hmm?


I'll be out in a week, and you'll still be eating take-out food in that dump you live in.

Yeah, I know all about you, Kimble.

Without me, you wouldn't even have a life.

My old lady left 'cause of the money.

Yours left because she just couldn't stand the sight of you.

I've never seen anyone so little eat so much.

Yeah, I know. I'm hypoglycemic.

If I don't eat regularly, I get a little nuts.

So, where you from?


How long you been a cop?

I been a cop for 12 years.

My father was a cop, my brother was a cop, my mother was a cop's wife.

And I have no hobbies.

Good news.

You two are booked on the first flight to Portland tomorrow.

Locate Crisp's wife and offer her immunity in exchange for her testimony against him.

No offense to O'Hallahan, but this is my case, and I work alone.

He works alone. Not anymore.

She's going in undercover as a substitute kindergarten teacher.

Not exactly a job for you.

I used to be a teacher.

We'll be fine.

What do I do?

She locates the kid, you find the mother and the cash, and Crisp spends his life making license plates.

Bon voyage.

Oh, and Kimble, the name's O'Hara.

Okay. Here's the wife at 17. Real name's Rachel Myatt.

She's from Hannibal, Missouri, class of '76.

Cheerleader, first violin in the school orchestra, captain of the girls' softball team.

Her ambition was "To travel, "experience life, and meet interesting people."

Like Crisp.



Don't let him get to you.

That's her 10 years later.

It's a great shot of an ear.

You get in touch with her parents?

They're both dead.

The only relative she's got left is the kid.


Okay. This is the only picture we have of him.

Cullen Jr., aged 3 months.

That helps much.

It's the best I could do.

Breakfast, sir? Ma'am?

Please. No. No, no.

That's a first.

Listen, I was just thinking.

Maybe we should take a wild stab at getting to know each other before we have to pretend we're married.

What do you want to know?

How long have we been married?

A long time.

People won't expect us to talk much to each other.

I want to read it, too. Stop it.

Please? Let me take a look.

Hey, come here.

If you don't stop screwing around back there, this is what I'll do with you.


What's the matter?

I don't know.

I just don't feel so good.

You hungry?

I got to get out of here right now.

Get those tree stumps out of my way before I vomit all over them.

Is your wife okay, sir?

Compared to what?

Maybe it was the burrito. Or it could've been the sausages.

I don't think it was the crab salad.

It couldn't have been the donuts.

Excuse me.

Oh, I hate feeling like this.

I hate it, too.


Uh-oh what?

Uh-oh, pull over.


Yeah. Please hurry.

The key! Give me the key!

Do you need a hand?

You okay?

I'm fine.

I'll be fine.

Class starts at 9:00 in the morning.

I'll be fine.

You look much better already.

Oh. Kindergarten, 6-year-olds.

That's why I quit teaching, you know.

I got so sick of other people's kids.

I was afraid that I'd never want to have any of my own.

I have a son.

He's 13.

I remember when he was 5.

He lives with his mother and stepfather.


What's the matter?

What... is... that?

Oh, excuse me. I forgot to tell you. This is my ferret.

He doesn't bite. Don't worry.

Come on. Come on out.

This is all I need, an obstacle.

A goddamn obstacle.

He sends me an obstacle.


Oh, God.

Don't worry.

I'm going to make it.

I just need a minute.

I'll be ready in just a minute.

I just got...

Oh, God.

How do I look?

Take off the gun.

That's a good idea.

The little bastards are going to eat you alive.

Get some rest, and don't worry.

I've been working undercover for a long time.

They're 6-year-olds. How much trouble can they be?

On second thought, take the gun.


I sent you to the principal's office because you punched Jenny.

I know. She poisoned your hamsters.

She told me all about it, and she's very sorry.

And I'm sorry that I didn't believe you.

But you shouldn't punch people. But she...

Mr. Kimble, Miss Schlowski will see you now.

Let's go back to class.

Can I help you?

I'm John Kimble, your new kindergarten teacher.

We were expecting a Miss O'Hara.

There's been a change of plan.

Four weeks into the new semester, my superintendent told me I had to replace Mrs. Hagley, a kindergarten teacher of 25 years' experience, with an undercover police officer, and he wouldn't even tell me why.

I don't suppose you would do me the courtesy of filling me in.

I can't do that.

Oh. You can't do that.

I'm watching you.

All I have to do is tell my parents that you're with the police, and they'll yank their kids out of this school so fast, we'd have to close.

And don't you think I won't if I feel my children are in any danger.

They're not in danger.

I assume you have some teaching experience.

They wouldn't have sent me otherwise.

Just wait here a minute.

Everybody sit down on the carpet!

Good morning, everyone.

Good morning, Miss Schlowski.

Your teacher, Mrs. Hagley, had to go on an important trip.

Where'd she go?

That doesn't matter.

Did she die?

No, Lowell. She went to see someone.

Did they die?

No, Lowell.

Everyone dies, you know.

I know, but not for a long, long time.

Now, until Mrs. Hagley comes back, we have someone special to help.

This is Mr. Kimble, your new kindergarten teacher.

Now, let's everybody say, "Good morning, Mr. Kimble."

Good morning, Mr. Kimble.

Good morning.

They're all yours.

I'll be watching you.


How are you?

I'm very happy to be here.

First, I would like to just get to know you.


I'm going to ask you a bunch of questions.

I want to have them answered immediately.

How many of you were born in Astoria?

Raise your hands. Let's see them.

Okay, hmm.

Now, anyone that was not born in Astoria, somewhere outside like California, raise your hands.


I need to go to the bathroom.

Okay. You can go.

Boys have a penis. Girls have a vagina.

Thanks for the tip.


I need to go to the bathroom, and I can't get these things off.

I'll get someone to help you.

I'll be right back, okay?

You've learned that the "E" is often silent when it immediately follows another vowel.

Now write and say these words...

Oh, um...

Class, uh, Catherine, can you take over for me, please?

Thank you.

"E" is the fifth letter of the alphabet.

Yes, can I help you?

I have a problem.

Mr. Kimble, I need to go real bad.

First day?


I'll take care of her.

Thank you.

You know, kindergarten is like the ocean.

Don't turn your back on it.

They're okay.

Don't worry. Everything is under control.



What are you doing with this?

Aren't you going to break it up?

No. Two more days of this, and he'll quit.

Shut up!

Shut up! Shut up!

Shut up.

No. Don't start this.

Oh, no.



This is your new class mascot.

What happened to your dog?

This is not a dog.

This is a ferret.

What's a ferret?

That's a ferret.


If he bites you, you get rabies and die.

No. That's not true. He never bites.

Can I pet him?

Sure, but one at a time, okay?

Good. Okay, next one. Come on.


Good. Yeah.

Good. Now we're having fun.

What's that supposed to mean?

Mrs. Hagley is a lot better than you.

Is she?

Is she really?

My mom's a teacher in this school, and she's a lot better than you, too.


On Monday nights, my mom tutors and Mrs. Quinn takes care of me.

She's better than you, too.


And Frankie, my swimming teacher, and Gus, my T-ball coach, are better than you, too.

I really appreciate your honesty.

You happen to know someone that's not better than me?

I don't know that many people.


Are you there?

How did it go?

Go away.

It went that well, huh?

You take over tomorrow.

And blow our cover?

Can't do it.

They're horrible.

Tell me about it.

He's gay. What kind of a man teaches kindergarten? He's obviously gay.

A male kindergarten teacher isn't what I'm used to.

Samantha calls him "The Giant."

There he is.

Where, honey?

Holy cow, is that your new teacher?


Oh, my God.

What are you doing?

I'm not wearing makeup. None of us are.

You're married. You're allowed to look like slobs.

Be good. I'll be back to pick you up.

Good morning, Mr. Kimble.

Good morning.

I told you he was big.

Play with the kids, honey.

Hi. I'm Jillian, Sylvester's mom.

Do you have a minute? I'd like to speak with you.

Sure. Please.

Thank you.

A male kindergarten teacher. That's unusual.

You're not from around here, are you?

No. I'm not.

Neither am I.




I have a small problem.


You see, Sylvester's father doesn't live with us anymore and I've just been worried about Sylvester.

He's been acting a little strange lately.

You know, doing odd things.

Like what?

Well, it seems that's he's becoming a little obsessed with playing with dolls.

You know, it's weird.

I think I can help you with that.

Really? He uses the dolls to look up girls' skirts.

I caught him doing it yesterday.

Oh. Oh, well, that's a relief.

But I'll keep an eye on him, okay?

Thank you.

Does Sylvester ever see his father?

No. No, not since he was two. His father lives in California.

That is far away.


Well, if you give me his name and number, I could talk to him about taking more interest in his son.

That's very kind, but I don't think so.

But it's tough on Sylvester, don't you think?


No, what's tough on Sylvester is his father left us for another man.

Are you married, Mr. Kimble?

No, I'm not.

He's not married, Mom!

Welcome to Astoria, the single-parent capital of America.

Thank you for your time.

I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America, and to the republic for which it stands, one nation under God,

indivisible with liberty and justice for all.

Are these all your lunches?

You mean you eat other people's lunches?

Stop it!

Now we're going to do something extremely fun.

We're going to play a game called, "Who is my daddy and what does he do?"


Is your daddy a fireman?

He's probably big. Is he a wrestler?

A basketball coach?

No, no.

What's the matter?

I have a headache.

It might be a tumor.

It's not a tumor!

It's not a tumor at all.

What I meant was you tell me, who is your daddy and what does he do?


Get it?

We start right here. You.

My dad repairs cars driven by women who are pinheads.

My dad doesn't do anything since the crash.

My dad gives money to people that doesn't have money, and then people use that money, then they give other money back and they give the same amount of money back to my dad.

My dad doesn't live with us anymore.

He lives in New York and drives a taxi.

My mom hopes he's going to die real soon.

My dad watches TV all day long.

My dad works on computers, and he's, um, the boss of his company, and, um, he has a mustache and a beard.



He doesn't have that much hair because...

And he... His head is so big that he can't wear any hats.

My dad's divorced.

My mom's divorced.

My dad, um, is a psychologist, and he helps people that are hurt or lost their feelings, and, um, that's it.

Our mom says that our dad is a real sex machine.


I don't know what my dad does.

I haven't seen him in a long time.

He lives in France.

My dad is a gynecologist, and he looks at vaginae all day long.

Thank you. Very good.

Okay. Next, uh...

What's his name with his back to me?

His name's Zach Sullivan.

He doesn't like anyone to talk to him.

He's a poo-poo head.

He's a poo-poo face.

He's a ca-ca poo-poo.

He's a poo-poo ca-ca.

Poo-poo ca-ca!

Quiet. That's enough.

Hey, Zach.

Did your daddy teach you this game?

Come on, Zach. Let's all play together. It's so much more fun.

Leave me alone!

What's that?

It's a fire alarm!

Come on, come on.

Everyone together! Come on.

I'm on fire!

Come on. All together!

I'm on fire!

Very straight. Very straight.

Come on, come on. Get all together.

Everything together. Come on.

Come on. Quiet.

Quiet! Come on.

Shh! Quiet.

Well, we're all glad the kindergarten class could join us.

That's four minutes. You should be ashamed of yourselves.

All the other grades, your times were an improvement, but they're still not good enough.

I'm very disappointed.

All right, let's get back into school.

Mrs. Sullivan!

Mrs. Sullivan!

So the doctor says it's a stomach flu.

I'm fine. I can eat anything I want.

Let's find a restaurant.

Can we talk business?

There are 14 boys in the classroom.

So far I have three possible suspects, one likely.

Here's a picture. You listening?

I'm listening.

His name's Zach Sullivan. What do you think?

He's cute. Doesn't anybody eat around here?

Listen, he's a dead ringer for Crisp. Look.

Maybe. Come on, John. I'm hungry.

A table for two. Thank you very much.

Two hot dogs.

Two hot dogs?

Mr. Kimble! Mr. Kimble!


It's him, Mom.


Hello, Joyce.

Dominic has been a great help. He's a good kid.

Who's that?



Oh, that? Uh, that is, uh...

I am his sister.

Oh, really? I wouldn't have guessed.

You have to excuse my brother. He has no manners.

My name is Ursula. Wonderful to meet you.

I'm visiting here from Austria.

I'm Joyce Palmieri. I work at John's school.


And this is Dominic.

Nice to meet you.

Would you like to join us for dinner?

No. Ja.


Yes, of course. That would be great.

Hi. There will be four of us.

Table 27.

Why did you tell her you were my sister?

Relax, butch. The love doctor is here.

Come to me. I want to start.

Okay. I want a rib eye steak with mashed potatoes and a large green salad.

Oh, no. Wait a minute.

I want to start with the spicy chicken wings.

Are they the tiny ones without meat?

Actually, it's quite a large serving.

Ah, good.

Ooh, good arms.

And a large bowl of the clam chowder.

Uh, and the blueberry pie with ice cream for dessert. Ja.

I like how they talk.

I've been trying to get to know the parents, but some of them are avoiding me.

Some of them are like that. It's a strange town that way, especially with new arrivals.

What do you mean?

I think a lot of people that come to small towns are trying to get away from something, or they're hiding something.

Like what?

Well, for example, what brought you here?

Me? Well, there was an opening for a kindergarten teacher.

Yeah, but what made you become a kindergarten teacher? I mean, it is a bit unusual.

John is a bit unusual.

Well... You are.

I was born in Austria. My father was a teacher. My mother was a teacher.

So is Ursula.


We have a tradition in Austria where we follow the footsteps of our parents.

So, when I moved to this country, I taught geography and physical education in Arizona, and then I coached basketball at an all-girls school in Rhode Island, but none of it made me really happy.

Why weren't you happy?

Ja. Why weren't you happy?

Well, I got tired of teaching teenagers.

Because by the time they came to me, I felt there wasn't much I could do with them.

I realized that the real action is in kindergarten.

How long have you been teaching kindergarten?

It's my second day.


Ooh, excuse me, but it's good. It is good.

Thanks again.

Nice to meet you.

Thank you. Bye.

I had a great time.

Ja, me, too.

Well, Kimble, I think you scored.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

What are you talking about?

I'm only interested in her because she works at the school.

She knows the children and the parents.

If you were any stiffer, we could take you surfing.

Now, I know you like that woman. What is your problem?

The only problem I've got is that I'm doing your job.

You should be cleaning up the paint and reading stories about bears that go shopping.

I'm stuck with your job.

Yeah. You are.

That's right. I am.

Look, you're going to be out of here in a few days.

You told me yourself you had a few good leads.

You'll be back dealing with junkies and murderers in no time.

They're pushing me around.


The kids.

They're walking all over me.

Listen, Kimble. You got to handle this like any other police situation.

You walk into it showing fear, you're dead, and those kids know you're scared.

No fear.

No fear.

Today we're going to play a new fun game.

It's called "police school."

I'm going to be your sheriff.

You're going to be my deputy trainees.

Come on. Stop whining.

You kids are soft. You lack discipline.

Well, I've got news for you.

You are mine now. You belong to me!

You're not going to have your mommies here to wipe your tushies.

Oh, no.

It's time to turn this mush into muscles.

No more complaining. No more, "I have to go to the bathroom."

There is no bathroom!

Now, the first thing the deputy trainees have to learn is to freeze whenever you hear this.

Now, the next time you hear this whistle, each one of you get one toy.

How many?


Good. Then bring it back to the carpet, pronto.


Wait for it.

Wait for it.

Sit down.


Go quickly. Get your toy.

Go. Go for it.

Yes. Very fast.

Good. Quickly. Bring the toy back to the carpet.

Bring it back to the carpet.

Quick, quick, quick. Back to the carpet.



Emma, take your toy to the carpet.

I'm not a policeman. I'm a princess.

Take your toy back to the carpet.

I'm not a policeman! I'm a princess.

Take it back!

All right.

Very good.

You did very well.

Now we're going to play another game.

When you hear two whistle blows, take your toy back where you got it and come right back.

How many whistle blows?


Good. Ready?


Come on.

Come right back to the carpet.

Yes. It works. This is great.

Faster, faster. Come on. Yes. Come back. Terrific. This is working. Wait.

I mean, you're very good deputies.

Your sheriff is proud of you.

One, two, three, four.

One, two, three, four.

One, two, three, four.

Wait! Take me.

Down. Up. Down.

Yes, yes, yes! You've got it.

Yes, Wanda. Good.

Very good.

Big circles. Big circles. Good.

Now do the same thing. Way back. And down in big circles. Big circles.


This is a fire drill!

This is a fire drill.

Run to the door.

Dominic, don't forget Ferret. Yes. It's a fire drill. Come on.

Oh, this is terrible.

Come on. Come on.






One more. Come on. Down and up. Yes!

Yes! Zach is the winner. Come on, you guys.

March, two, three, four. March, two, three, four.

Swing your arms, two, three, four.

Swing them high. Two, three, four.

One, two, three, four.


One, two, three, four.

Reading, writing, arithmetic.

Reading, writing, arithmetic!

Too much homework makes me sick.

Too much homework makes me sick!

When it's time to pass the test...

When it's time to pass the test...

Kindergarten is the best.

Kindergarten is the best.

E-I-E-I-O And on that farm he had a duck E-I-E-I-O

All right. Take your milk.

It makes you big and strong.

It's story time, Mr. Kimble.

All right.

We all like this one and if you read us a story now, everybody will go to sleep.

All right.

I used to read this to my son.

What's his name?


Your son.

Oh, Alex is his name.

Where is he?

He lives with his mother.

You see, his mother and I, we are...

Divorced. I know.

What's a divorce?

It's when your daddy lives someplace else and comes over to take you places, and your mommy says he's a deadbeat.

No. It's when the daddy doesn't want to see his little boy anymore.

That's not what it is.

Why don't you want to see your little boy? Was he bad?

No, he was not bad.

It wasn't his fault at all.

You see, his mommy and I, we just nev...

Just sit down, okay?

Let me just start reading.

Why don't you all lie down?


Good. And rest.

"If you were a bird and lived on high

"you'd lean on the wind when the wind came by.

"You'd say to the wind when it took you away, "that's where I wanted to go today.

"Where am I going? I don't quite know.

"What does it matter where people go?

"Down to the wood where the bluebells grow.

"Anywhere. Anywhere. I don't know."



I didn't mean to startle you.

I must have dozed off.

I can't believe you got them all to sleep.

I worked them hard.

I was wondering if you'd like to come to my place for dinner tomorrow night.

I would like that.


Great. Well, here are the directions.

How about 6:30, 7:00?

That would be fine.



You... You've got a little mustache.

Oh, it must be from the milk.

Well, I'd better get back to class.

I'll see you tomorrow.

See you tomorrow.




This is Henry Shoop, my fiancé.


Your fiancé?

Yeah, my fiancé.

Henry, this is obviously my partner, John Kimble.

Oh, jeez. Uh...

Hi. How you doing?

Let me get this, and I'll be right out.


It's okay, honey.

I'll be right out.

It's my birthday.

Well, congratulations.

Thanks. He came up here just to surprise me.

And he made me my favorite. Pasta a olio.

I love you, Henry.

I love you, too, Phoebes.

Uh... Well, I've got to head back tonight.

I've got to work.

Henry's a chef.

I'm a chef.

You're marrying a chef?

I'm marrying a great chef.

That figures.

You mean that, a great chef?

Of course. You're a genius, Henry.

Not just a good chef?

Well, nice to meet you. Congratulations. Happy birthday.

Thanks. You want some of this?

It wasn't overcooked?

You're the best.

It wasn't a little overcooked? No. Al dente.


Excuse me. I'm John Kimble, Zach's teacher.

I didn't know he was following me.

Hi. I've been leaving messages on your machine.

I'm sorry. Things have been hectic.

What about now?


Go for a little walk. Your teacher and I have to talk.


I know what this is about.

I suppose you saw the bruises on Zach's legs?

My husband has started counseling about this.

He's been going for three weeks now.

Please don't bring the school system into it. It will make matters worse.

He's beating you, too?

If he wasn't going to counseling, I could see the point of saying something.

But I'm sure there won't be any more occurrences.

You won't say anything, will you?


If he does it again, I press charges.


You got the stuff?

Thanks, man.

Here, lady. I gave her your stuff. Where's the rest of my money?

Who are you, old lady?

Your fairy godmother.

Come in.

Hi. It took all day, but I found out Zach Sullivan and his mother...

Aren't related to Crisp. I just found out.

Oh. I got a bottle of wine for your big date...

It's not a date, I know.

But Joyce shouldn't think that.

Thanks. I don't think it's a good idea.

Why not?

Quickest way to slip up doing undercover work is doing things you normally wouldn't do.

Wait a minute.

You mean you wouldn't take wine to a woman who's invited you for dinner?

Of course you would. And flowers as well. Here you go.

She'll love them.

Well, here we are.

Wow. This is quite a place.

They must be paying you a lot more than they're paying me.

I wish it was my house. It belongs to a friend of mine.

After the divorce, he said we could stay here in exchange for keeping the place up.

You must have nice friends.

Yes, I do.

Dinner won't be ready for a few minutes.

Can you start a fire?

It shouldn't be a problem.

I'll show you where the wood is.

All right.

Come on. Come on!

Right here.

In here.

This is my secret hiding spot.

Wow. This is amazing.

I made it myself.

What's this? Don't touch that!

It's a laser, and it'll burn a hole right through you.

Okay. I'll be careful.

Oh, don't shoot.

Boom! Boom!

Don't shoot.

I put up these lasers to protect us.

To protect you from what?

The bad people.

Do you want to see something else?

Come on.


See that?

You mean the tower?

I'm going to plant one of my lasers on that antenna.

But I'll have to do it at night.

Otherwise the bad people will know where it is.

Last one to the table is a rotten banana!

Have you guys had fun?

Yeah. Be right out!

What you doing in there?

I'm lost. Where is the dining room? This house is huge.

Follow me, silly.

These are beautiful pictures of you and Dominic.

Thank you.

When I was putting Dominic to bed, he mentioned you had a son, too.

That's right. But I'm divorced.

I'm lucky. My ex got remarried to a very nice man.

He's really good to my son.

I see him a lot.

What about your ex-husband? Does he see Dominic a lot?

Uh, no. After the divorce, he moved back to France.

What about child support and alimony?

Does he take care of you?

I'm sorry about being so personal.

I was so glad to see him go I didn't worry about that part.

Dominic doesn't even remember him.

I prefer it that way.

Are you sure?



Well, Dominic was talking to me about having to move around a lot to keep the bad people away.

Bad people?

Something about having to leave in the middle of the night and leave his toys behind.

Oh, God.

I thought he'd forgotten about that.

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you.

It's not your fault.

The truth is, my ex-husband is a walking nightmare.

He didn't leave us, we left him.

He found out where we were and tried to kidnap Dominic.

He doesn't know where we are now, and I'd like to keep it that way.

Of course. I'm glad he's in France and doesn't live nearby.

He doesn't live in France.

I told Dominic that he lived in France.

I didn't know who my ex-husband was when I married him.

I was young and stupid, and I made a mistake.

I don't want Dominic to pay for it.

Look, nobody around here knows anything about this.

I can't even believe I told you.

You have to promise me you won't tell anyone.

You can trust me.

That's very good. Perfect. Okay. Let's try it again.

Mary, you first.

Four scores and seven years ago.

Four scores and seven years ago.

Our forefathers brought...

Four fathers?

Mr. Kimble, did Lincoln have four fathers?


I had three fathers.

One named Walt, two named Ralph.

Did Lincoln have four mothers?

As a matter of fact, he had two mothers.

Unfortunately, the first one died.

I knew it.

Um... Okay.

Let's take a break. Come on.

I want you to walk around in a circle. Go.

Start. Come on.

Well, Joyce's story about the house checked out.

It belongs to a guy who only uses it during the ski season.

She's got under $1,000 in the bank, no stocks, no bonds, no other assets under the name Joyce Palmieri.

Her teacher's salary is less than mine, which is pathetic.

Keep looking. Check for offshore accounts under Dominic's name...

She doesn't live like someone with millions of dollars.

She doesn't even seem the type.

Kimble, this might not be her.

It's got to be her.

Why? Because she doesn't want to have anything to do with her ex-husband?

I know it's her.

Know what I think?

You want it to be her.

You really like her, and it's scaring you.

Excuse me!



Ladies, surprise.

Obviously, I'm not into baking cakes, so I brought these little things to donate for the raffle prizes.

Who the hell is that?

She's the one I was telling you about.

Her husband ran away with another guy.

It's been terrible for her.

You're not getting mellow on me, are you?

Three, four.

Hi. One, two, three...


Come on. One, two, three, four.

Come on. Go, go.

I see they stuck you with the Gettysburg Address this year.

They sure did.

Company, halt!


About last night...

I've been thinking about it, and...

I'm glad I told you all those things.

So am I.

Um, I... I better get going.

Yeah. I have to get going, too.

Is everything okay?


See you tomorrow at the fair.

I'm looking forward to it.

What are you looking at?


March! One, two, three, four.

I was just talking to the teacher, that's all.

Yeah. Don't laugh.

Okay. I'm proud of you. Keep going.

I'm sorry Zach's late. The car wouldn't start.

You be a good boy. I love you.

Hi, champ.


What's the matter?

Oh, no.

I fell down again.

Hey, wait a minute.


I forgot to close the door to the basement, and Zach had a bad fall.

The doctor says it's not as bad as it looks.

You all say the same thing, "He fell down."

Don't you have anything better to say?

It's true!

I don't have to justify myself to you!

You have no right talking to me like that.

How are you doing?

You must be the Mr. Kimble we hear so much about.

You hit the kid, I hit you.

You bastard!

You're not worth it.

I'm pressing charges against you.

Excuse me, everybody.

I'm sorry. I shouldn't have hit the man, especially in front of the children.

It was a mistake.

I checked you out.

There is no record of you ever having taught at any public school, in California or anywhere else.

Mr. Kimble, you have no teaching experience whatsoever, do you?

Someone finally noticed.

I thought the introduction of a ferret was a horrible idea, but the children seemed to like it.

I thought the use of your police whistle was outrageous...

That's all I could think of.

Please allow me to finish.


But it worked.

I have no idea what kind of police officer you are, but you're a very good teacher.

Thank you.

Now, will you tell me something? Don't lie.

What did it feel like to hit that son of a bitch?

It felt great.


Well, tomorrow morning.

Bright and early.

Thank you.


Yeah, that's her.

And there goes our goddamn case.

Tell O'Hara and Kimble their witness is dead, so Crisp is going to walk.

We want them back here.

We've got lots of other cases to clear.

O'Hara says they think they've located the wife.

And the money?

They're looking into it.


Have them tell the wife we're letting Crisp go, and he knows where she is.

If she wants police protection, she'll produce the money.

Yes, sir.

Sorry it took so long, Cullen.

Hey, you're looking great.

I love you, Mother.

We're going to be a family again, son.


Fourscore and seven years ago...

Fourscore and seven years ago...

Our forefathers brought forth on this continent...

Our forefathers brought forth on this continent...

A new nation...

A new nation...

Conceived in liberty...

Conceived in liberty...

And dedicated to the proposition...

And dedicated to the proposition...

That all men are created equal...

That all men are created equal...

And that government...

And that government...

Of the people...

By the people...

And for the people...

Shall not perish from this earth.

Thank you very much.


I'd like to introduce you to our kindergarten teacher.

He came to us as a substitute teacher, and he's proven to be a wonderful asset.

Let's welcome him into our community and hope that he considers staying on a permanent basis.

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. John Kimble.

Nice town.


Ahh! Smell that fresh air.

We should think about buying something up here, like some log cabin in the woods near a lake.

Kids love that outdoor kind of stuff.

I'll be in the pharmacy.

Try not to step in anything.

I'd like to help you.

But we're pretty much out of the race cars, unless...

This is the last one.

It's still in great shape.

If you don't mind waiting, I'll wrap it up.

I'll knock 10% off...

I have a better idea.

I'll pay you twice what he's charging.

I promised my boy I'd get him one.

I'd love to help you, but my kid's been bugging me since Christmas.

I'll pay you four times what it's worth.

Get your kid something even better.

Sorry. Can you gift-wrap it?

Hanna, could you wrap that, please?

No harm in trying.


Great, Dominic. You're doing well.

I'll wait over here for you, okay?


Great day, huh?

We've run out of time.

We've got to press Joyce now.

What do you mean?

Cindy O.D.'d last night.


They released Crisp this morning. He's probably on his way here.

Salazar told me to tell you this.

If Joyce is Crisp's wife, she's got to cooperate about the money, or she gets no police protection.


Ursula, how are you?


I've got to tell you the truth.

Her name's not Ursula.

She's not my sister.

I beg your pardon?

We're not who you think we are.

What is this?

We're police officers.

We know who you are...


This is a joke, right?

No. This is no joke. You took $3 million.

I think...

Crisp knows where you are. He could be here any minute.

Where's Dominic?

You'll get immunity for your testimony, but we need you to help us.

Where's Dominic?

On a pony.

We'll offer protection if you tell us about the money.

There's no money, you son of a bitch.

There never was!

No, it's not fair!

I'm not finished yet!

The bad people have found us.

What do you mean, "no money?"

Why are you mad at Mr. Kimble?

Because he's a jerk.

Leave me alone!

Joyce, wait! Wait!

If you didn't take the money, why is he after you?

He doesn't want me. He wants Dominic.

She's going to run again.


Unless we do something about it.


Hey, snap out of it!

Daryl. Daryl.

I'm sorry. I wanted to give you a second chance.

$200 cash.

What is wrong with you?

I'm still not getting through to you, am I, Daryl?

Mother, got this great surprise for Junior.

That'll be $57.90.


Children's aspirin, children's decongestant, antihistamine.

A thermometer?

A lot of flu going around, right?

It is the season.

The boy's not sick.

Doesn't hurt to take precautions.

Mother, you are going to make him sick.

You stuffed all this crap into me, and nothing was wrong.

That's why there was nothing wrong with you.

Now, how can you argue with that?


Joyce! Dominic!

You bastard! Where's Dominic?

I don't know. What happened?

You led him here. If he has Dominic, I'll kill you.

Let go of me!

We'll find him. Stop it.

We'll find him.


Did he say anything before he left?

He said something about getting his lasers.

Lasers? I think I know where he is.

Aah! Help!

Help! Help!

Somebody! Help!

Hold on!

I'll get him down.


Hold on. I'm right here.

Good boy.

All right. Just hold on.

Okay. Just hold on.

Oh, good. Okay.

I was going to put the lasers in the antenna.

I know. Don't worry about anything now.

I got you. Just hold on tight now.

Hold on tight, okay?


If I lost Dominic, I don't think I could go on living.

You're not going to lose him.

That's right. I'm not.

Cullen said I stole his money so these creeps would follow us for a reward.

You don't know what he's like.

Oh, yes, I do. I know him well.

That's why I don't want him to get you two.

Can't trust you or anybody.

You can trust me.

That's what you said before.

And you turned out to be a cop.

I... I didn't mean to hurt you.

I wish I was a kindergarten teacher, but I'm not.

I'm a cop.

That's all I know how to be.

I have to get out of here.

You have a son.

If you were me, you'd do the same thing.

I have a son I've hardly seen in seven years.

I don't mean anything to him.

My ex-wife got remarried.

She doesn't want me to be part of his life.

I lost my family.

I should never have let it happen.

Why are you telling me all of this?

I don't want to lose you.

I don't want to lose Dominic.

I swear you'll never have to run from him again.

Don't worry about anything, okay? We're going to be right across the hall.

Everything's going to be fine.

We just want to be extra careful.


Don't worry.

All right, all right. Settle down.

Good morning.

Good morning, Mr. Kimble.

Sit down.

It's very nice to see you all again.

Meet my very good friend, Phoebe O'Hara.

Good morning, Phoebe.

Miss O'Hara is going to talk to you about something very important.

So pay attention to what she has to say, okay?

Remember, no fear.



Boys have a penis. Girls have a vagina.

Well, you taught them the basics.

That's important.

Okay, now, today we're going to talk about something else that's really important.

Today we're going to talk about strangers.

If a stranger knocks on your door, never answer the door.

Because we never talk to strangers.

Let's say that together.

We never talk to strangers.


Can we talk to kids?

Yeah, it's okay. You can talk to kids.

What about dogs?


Can we talk to dogs?

Yeah, you can talk to dogs.

But what you can't do, what you must never ever do is...

Never talk to strangers.

On the kindergarten level, we try to emphasize the three C's:

Caring, courtesy and courage.


That's my philosophy, too.

Are you a single parent, Mr. Green?

No, my wife had to stay behind to complete the sale of our home.

I'm checking the schools before we buy a home here.

Most kindergarten children can't read yet.

My son can.

He reads at 6? That's good.

And writes. I taught him myself.

He sounds like a special child.

He is. He's a great athlete.

Here's what you've waited for. The kindergarten.

Have a look.

Oh, Dominic, Dominic, Dominic is king of the mountain!

Way to go, Dominic.

Here's your crown.

Congratulations, Dominic.

The king of Mount Kimble!



He looks odd, but he's a wonderful teacher.

Yes, I'm sure he is.

Did you see Cullen Jr.?

Yeah, yeah.

She calls him Dominic.

She'd always wanted to name him Dominic.

What a dumb name.

Put that cigar out. It's unhealthy for the kid.

Then you make your airplane go up into the clouds.

Check it out.


Okay, stay calm.

Okay, it's probably a fire drill.

Oh, man.

Kimble, the hallway's full of smoke.

Okay, this is a fire drill. Come on.

This is the real thing.

Just the way we practiced.

Go out there.

Fast. Just the way we practiced it.

Come on.

Come on.

It's only water. Don't be scared.

Stay close to the wall. Let's go.

Come on. Come on.

Dominic, stay close to me, okay?

Stay close to me.

Stay behind me.

Don't get separated.


Are you all right?

Come on. Let's go.

Dominic, wait!


Help! Somebody help me!



Stranger! Stranger!


Dominic! Where's Dominic?


Okay, stay together. Stay together.

Stay together. Hold onto your partner.

Okay, don't lag behind.

Hold onto my hand.

Stay together.

Where's Dominic?

He's inside. Kimble's looking for him.




It's okay. It's okay. I'm not going to hurt you.

I'm not going to hurt you.

It's okay.

I'm a fireman.

I help people.

Well, where's your hat?

My hat?

I love this.

I can't fool my own boy. He's just 6 years old.

You're right. I'm no jerk fireman.

I'm going to tell you something, Dominic.

It's going to be hard for you to understand, but you got to believe me.

I'm your father, Dominic.

Your father.

Don't you recognize me?


Sure you do. It's me.

Don't you remember twinkle, twinkle, little star?

We have the same kind of hands.

Don't you remember?

You're not my father. My father lives in France.

Your mother told you that, but that's not true!

I'm your father!

I've been searching for you for five years.

Help! Help!

Dominic, I'm your father.

You're going to have to do what I say. Do you understand?


Don't you know there's a fire?

We thought it was another drill.

Well, get out!

Yes, sir.

Whoa, honey. That's a fire in there.

I got a kid in there. I'm a cop.

If I need a ticket fixed, I'll call you.

In the meantime, stay out. Go on.

All right.

Quiet, you hear me? Quiet.



Let go!

Just what I need.

Please, let him go.

Let him go!

How the hell do you get out of here?

Please, please, don't do this!

You're scaring him!

Scared? Of course he's scared.

You told him lies about me.

My son doesn't know me because of you.

Listen! Just listen.

You stole him from me!

Please, give him back.

Don't touch him!

Dominic, I had to do it!

I didn't want to do it. She made me.

Everything's going to be okay, Dominic.


Come back.

We're getting out of here. Dominic?

Going to start a whole new family.



I love you. Do you understand?

Tell me you understand that.

Say it. Say it!

I understand.



Hold it! Right there. Drop it! Hurry!

Don't. Don't.

He's not your hostage. He's your son.

Drop it. On the floor.

You'll do this to your own son?

Drop it! I'm losing it! Hurry!

Relax. I'm putting it down.


Here it is. Here it is.

Just don't harm the boy, okay?

Good. Good. That's smart.

All right.

Why don't you let the boy go now?

The boy is mine!

He's my boy!

You get your own goddamn family!


Are you okay?

I'm okay. Get Dominic.

Okay. Dominic!


Where's my grandson?

I don't know.

Where's my grandson?

Go to hell.

That's where you're going, you son of a bitch!

You're not so tough without your car, are you?

Mr. Kimble, are you all right?

Oh, I hate this.

Nah, he doesn't want to eat that.

He's a tough guy.

Tough guys don't eat Jell-O.

I'll come back later.


Hi. How you feeling?

Much better.

How about you?

I'll live.

Check out of here. This stuff will kill you.

Just don't throw up on me.

I'm not going to throw up on you, but I am going to kiss you.



Thanks, partner.


How's everybody feeling today?

I brought goodies. Did I do that?

Give me the flowers.

I got some goodies and...

I got it caught.

And something I cooked myself.

I almost didn't recognize you with all your clothes on.

You look good yourself.

Did I... I'm sorry.

The wedding.

Yeah. Uh...

You're coming to the wedding, right?

Is it safe?

I wouldn't miss this for the world.


Where do we send the invitation?


They're all yours.

Hi, kids.

Mr. Kimble!

I'm back.

Didn't join the union until...

Class, excuse me.